#unrelated but also it is kind of a funny situation to be extremely sex positive but be very sex repulsed

[caspalooza]

It sounds dramatic, but growing up, I agonized over the fact that I was repulsed by sex. I thought I wanted to be in a relationship but that it wouldn't be possible (or at the very least, not fair to the other person) to be in one without sex in it. I was convinced that romance is The Thing That Completes You, so I thought my options were "deal with sex against my will" or "be alone forever".

When I finally learned the term "asexuality"... well, I didn't really grasp the concept of attraction types, so I pretty much went, "man, I WISH I was asexual, instead there's just something wrong with me" and carried on.

I think I was nearing 17 when I finally decided to look into asexuality for longer than 5 minutes, mostly out of sheer desperation. I had vaguely known that sexual attraction and romantic attraction were separate terms, but I had always thought of sexual attraction as being a hyperbolic term for romantic attraction. And that sexual attraction only actually existed in movies and books and the like for dramatic effect or comedy. I don't remember what made it click, but when it hit me that it was fucking REAL and that most of the people around me had been experiencing it for a LONG TIME I finally felt that moment that I guess every person has at some point in their life of lost innocence. At SIXTEEN. LOL.

It is undoubtedly funny, but it was also scary. Over my life I had experienced things and acted in ways I thought were fine and normal, purely because I was straight up clueless about sexual attraction. It was never taught to me in any form because I guess there's an assumption everybody experiences it and therefore knows for themselves what it's like. So while there was a feeling of elation, I guess, because I wasn't alone and I wasn't broken, there was also a lot of horror and disgust that came with it because a lot of memories from my life were being dug up and put in this new context in a very not good way. And I can be more careful now, but dear lord what I would give to have been taught these things way, way sooner.

The romantic side is a nightmare in a different way. Ages ago, I developed a pretty silly-sounding fear that I secretly had crushes on all the people I met (and/or worse, that they reciprocated) that still won't go away no matter how hard I ignore the voices! That's paranoia for you, I guess. So it's hard to know for sure if I actually have a crush on somebody or if it's just the paranoia, but I think the fact that I know how it feels means I probably have, at least once, even if the thought of actually acting on romantic feelings sounds like the worst thing ever. I used to be really big into the idea of it, though, that's for sure. For years, I lived vicariously through my hundreds of fandom and oc ships. And I do still love exploring romantic relationship dynamics through fiction, but now it's more because I think The Inner-Workings of People and Relationships Are Fascinating than because I have any desire to live it for myself.

At the very least, the realization that I was ace and potentially aro helped me to pull myself out of my sad pit. And though I've never been super involved with the aspec community (out of shyness), If nothing else I credit all the lovely people in it for indirectly teaching me how important and fulfilling friendships and platonic bonds of all kinds can be. And that platonic/romantic/etc. love and attraction shouldn't be tiered as more or less important or fulfilling than one another, just different. It seems like a simple and obvious concept to me now, but it genuinely changed my outlook on life when I was first exposed to it.

Looking back at the things I actually wanted (and didn't want) out of my hypothetical "perfect romantic relationship" (no romantic gestures, just cuddling lol) I realized I pretty much only ever wanted an affectionate, possibly committed friendship (something like a qpr) and only assumed it was romance because... well, everybody is supposed to want romance! And seeing as my early friends and family weren't super affectionate people, it was pretty easy for me to believe that physical affection only came from a romantic partner.

All in all though, I've realized that, at least for me, it's not super helpful to think of different relationship types as strict categories or boxes. Humans are just more complex than that. And It's kinda ironic that the same community that often faces the "loveless" stereotype is the same one that opened my eyes to the fact that there are so, so many ways to experience profound and fulfilling love. And I think that's beautiful!!!!! HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!!!!

[dadgumitsmater]

PHYSICAL !!

1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is he heavyset, thin, short, rangy? 5′11. 2. How old is he? Twenty six. 3. Describe his posture. Does he carry himself well or does he slouch? He’s guilty of slouching. 4. How is his health? Is he fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities? He’s been working on a farm for the majority of his life. He’s pretty fit. 5. How does he move? Is he clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid? A bit clumsy, but never tense. 6. How attractive is this character physically? How does he perceive himself in the mirror? Look at those eyes. You could drown in them. And that smile. Damnn. I mean. He’s alright. 7. Describe his complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred? Light. Mostly smooth.  8. Describe his hair: color, texture, style. Dark blond to light brown-ish. A short... average guy cut... I’m bad at describing hair, I don’t know.** 9. What color are his eyes? Blue. 10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features? Naw. 11. What are his chief tension centers? Eh... his back. 12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does he have six of the same suit? Cowboy hats, jeans, plain tees, plaid shirts. He dresses like a country boy no matter where he goes. 13. Do his clothes fit well? Does he seem comfortable in them? Yeah. His tees can range from a size too large because he likes having some oversized ones. They’re easier to work in. 14. Does he dress the same on the job as he does in his free time? If not, what are the differences? Yeah. 15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando? Boxers.

SPEECH !!

1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse? I hear Larry The Cable Guy’s voice from the movies when I write for Mater, so I’d say pretty close to that. Maybe a little more authentic. 2. How does he normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does he talk easily, or does he hesitate? Not really soft but not really loud either -- unless he’s trying to get someone’s attention or overly excited, then he tends to use a more booming voice. Mater talks before thinking his words through. He can talk fast in the sense that he’s rambling, jumping subjects constantly, but he also puts a drawl on his words. 3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics? An undeniable Southern accent. 4. What languages does he speak, and with how much fluency? English. 5. Does he switch languages or dialects in certain situations? No. 6. Is he a good impromptu speaker, or does he have to think about his words? He never thinks about his words. Sometimes he ends up talking about stuff that just doesn’t make sense but he doesn’t stutter or stumble so he’s decent at it. 7. Is he eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change? I’d say more eloquent unless he’s just extremely upset. It’s hard to get him that upset.

MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL !!

1. How intelligent is this character? Is he book-smart or street-smart? He has the lowest IQ out of all of my characters... but... he tries. 2. Does he think on his feet, or does he need time to deliberate? On his feet. 3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is he more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical? When it comes to farm work and mechanics he’s logical and levelheaded but anything else, expect him to be impractical, imaginative and a little silly. 4. What kind of education has the character had? High school, some college. 5. What are his areas of expertise? What, if anything, is he interested in learning more about? He could be a very successful farmer and he’s working towards being a very successful mechanic. He knows a lot about cars. He’s got his old truck up and running again on his own quite a few times. 6. Is he an introvert or an extrovert? He’s friendly, even outgoing, but I don’t know if he’d be considered an extrovert. He’s spent a lot of his time by himself and I think that’s kind of instilled in him now. 7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is he even-tempered or does he have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven? He never has mood swings. He’s cheerful and he’s driven. 8. How does he respond to new people or situations? Is he suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic? Fairly relaxed. He can be suspicious of someone’s intentions but he still sees the best in them. Lightning was a new person at once too and he became his best friend. You have to give people a chance. 10. Which is his default: fight or flight? His mama has always taught him to turn the other cheek. If someone’s being mean to him he’ll take it with a smile... but when it comes to someone hurting the people he cares about he’d fight them. 11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does he appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks? He likes a good prank but never anything cruel. 12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does he deal with them? Nope. 13. What moments in this character’s life have defined him as a person? Losing his father, meeting Lightning, getting away from home. 14. What does he fear? He doesn’t have any surface fears. There might be something deep down that he’s afraid of, like disappointing his mom or anyone else he loves dying, but they’re not very strong thoughts. 15. What are his hopes or aspirations? To just make a living and start a family. 16. What is something he doesn’t want anyone to find out about him? Mater isn’t ashamed about anything.

RELATIONSHIPS !!

1. Describe this character’s relationship with his parents. Mater could butt heads with his dad from time to time, but he loved the man. He was a hard worker, stubborn, set in his ways. But he was also loving, funny and generous. He gets a lot of his qualities from him, and he hopes his dad would be proud of him now. He is very close to his mama. Also stubborn and set in her ways, she constantly worried about her only son and doted over him, telling her husband not to overwork him. She made sure he got enough sleep and he had enough to eat and he never missed a birthday gift, even when money was tight. Mater believes he was very blessed when it comes to his parents and he loves them dearly. 2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like? He does not. 3. Are there other blood relatives to whom he is close? Are there ones he can’t stand? He was close with his grandparents. His mama’s mama is the only one he has left. Up until he left Radiator Springs again he would check in with her every single day. 4. Are there other, unrelated people whom he considers part of his family? What are his relationships with them? Lightning and Sarah. 5. Who is the character’s best friend? How did they meet? Lightning, they met when he wrecked the town Mater had lived in for his entire life. 6. Does he have other close friends? Sarah... that’s about it. No one really wanted to befriend the dumb kid. 7. Does he make friends easily, or does he have trouble getting along with people? He gets along with people just fine but it’s not easy for him to make friends. People see him as an idiot and nothing more. 8. Which does he consider more important: family or friends? Family. He considers close friends family anyway. 9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has he been married more than once? Single. 10. Is he currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse? No, no. 11. Who was his first crush? Who is his latest? A little girl in first grade that thought she was too good for him. He’s trying to refrain from crushing on anyone because he always gets in too deep and gets his heart stomped on a little bit. But his strike will probably last a day. 12. What does he look for in a romantic partner? Someone that he loves, someone that loves him. He couldn’t date someone that wasn’t a nice person at heart. Kindness is very important. And, obviously, his mama would have to improve. 13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does he relate to them? If no, does he want any? He does not but he wants to have a lot of kids one day. 14. Does he have any rivals or enemies? No. 15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does he fall on the Kinsey scale? Up to this point he’s had no reason to doubt that he was heterosexual, so I’d say a 0. 16. How does he feel about sex? How important is it to him? I wouldn’t say it’s important. It’s great and everything but that wouldn’t be the key part of a relationship and he could live without it. 17. What are his turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits? He’s a simple guy.

BELIEFS !!

1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does he fit type? January 10 which makes him a Capricorn. Parts of it are fairly fitting. He has good manners mostly, good self control, he’s responsible, he can be stubborn, he’s loyal. But he isn’t condescending, unforgiving or pessimistic. 2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in his life? Mater grew up going to church every Sunday, not just because he was made to but because he wanted to. He’s a Christian through and through. 3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it? Be kind. Don’t give up. Stay positive. Never take more than you give. I can’t see him ditching his morals. 4. How does he regard beliefs that differ from his? Is he tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent? Tolerant. 5. What prejudices does he hold? Are they irrational or does he have a good reason for them? I can’t think of any.

DAILY LIFE !!

1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is he rich, poor, comfortable, in debt? Right now it’s alright. Not great, but they can get by. There have been quite a few times in his life that he would be considered poor. 2. What is his social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected him? He’s not at the top, that’s easy to say. 3. Where does he live? House, apartment, trailer? Is his home his castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does he share it with others? Back home he lived in a small two bedroom house with his mama. He loved that house. Here he’s living in the dorms. He’s yet to get his side just how he likes it, but there are already some pictures on the wall. 4. Besides the basic necessities, what does he spend his money on? Gifts for other people, food he doesn’t have to have, car parts. That’s about it. 5. What does he do for a living? Is he good at it? Does he enjoy it, or would he rather be doing something else? He’s a student right now. There are parts he does not like. But if he can do something he loves for a living and make a future for himself, it’s worth it. 6. What are his interests or hobbies? How does he spend his free time? Looking through car magazines, wandering around town, pestering Lightning. 7. What are his eating habits? Does he skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods? He doesn’t drink to a point that it affects his health. He’s been known to skip meals to get his work done, or so his parents didn’t have to go hungry, but his mama kept a careful eye on her growing boy. She had to make sure he got the nutrition he needed. He can cook but it’s so much trouble here he’s prone to eat out more than he ever did back home.

ASSOCIATIONS !!

1. Color? Brown. 2. Smell? Hay. 3. Time of day? Dawn. 4. Season? Summer. 5. Book? Whatever has pictures. 6. Music? Country music. 7. Place? Arizona. 8. Substance? I don’t know. 9. Plant? Anything that grows vegetables. 10. Animal? Cows.

EVERY * LEADS TO A PICTURE !!