#unlovable yet not secret part of myself: how can one person be SO self-absorbed that she reacts to the slightest prompting

[yellowocaballero]

hi! I just want to say sucker's bet? it's so upsetting? but in, like a very good and cathartic way? maybe I'm just ace but I'm pretty sure you're just that good of a writer, but the tension/panic coming off of jon both in the botanical garden + the most recent chapter is just so vivid, it's kind of like a bunch of repeated punches to the gut - like you can really /feel/ the expectation for sex hanging over him, and it's so painfully real, you've done such a good job conveying what that's like <3

Thank you!! I’m so glad it hit “upsetting but like in a good way”, that’s exactly what I was going for.

I wanted a really uncomfortable story that was hard to read. I wouldn’t call this story angst but it’s not feel-good lol. I never want to say the sentence ‘I Write My  Fanfictions To Be Thought Provoking’ but I really wanted to lure people in with the prospect of a rom-com romance and then kind of hit them with what that means. Everybody has expectations for the story and genre, especially in fic, and it’s fun to kind of stop, step back, and think about why we expected that thing to happen. 

Even beyond the ace thing - this is really about how terrifying it is to be intimate, to care, and to build a relationship. The ACT of being in a relationship is so scary lol. Jon’s terror is over the sex, but (god I sound pretentious) the sex is partly a metaphor for intimacy and being understood. It’s so hard to show people our genuine selves. Nobody wants to do it. We are all always doing impression management, we ALWAYS want somebody to think of us in a certain way. To portray yourself without artifice or expectation, to show the parts of yourself that are undesirable, can be the worst and most humiliating thing in the world.

I don’t WANT anybody to know that I’m clingy, or needy, or self-hating, or desperate, or any of that ugly shit we don’t like talking about. We hate ourselves for even feeling that way. But, of course, if we didn’t feel that way, we wouldn’t really be people. And even if we find it hard to love ourselves despite those aspects, if we allow someone else to see them, then we can see that they can accept us unconditionally - despite, or BECAUSE, we’re ugly. Humans connect with humans. It’s what we do. 

I am incapable of talking about something that’s something that’s not the mortifying ordeal of being known. Just so incapable. I hate it. In my defense, every time I think ‘I talk too much about how people are incapable of understanding each other yet we incessantly try and inevitably hurt each other in order to obtain the reward of acceptance and understanding’, I’m faced with a situation like the one I had yesterday. Me and my roommate had the exact same conversation in a grocery store about the Oreos we were buying, and we walked away with one mega pack of Oreos. She was under the impression that they were hers and that I could have some. I was under the impression that we were splitting. The next day I was wondering why she was eating all of our Oreos. She was wondering why I wanted all of her Oreos.

The EXACT SAME CONVERSATION. Yet we didn’t understand each other at all. We heard two different things. We know each other so well, yet we incessantly miscommunicate. How funny. 

But also, in most ways, the sex is about sex. And most sex-repulsed ace people have experienced that feeling of “Will I have to do the mental equivalent of dumping fifty cockroaches into my mouth for anybody to ever love me.” That secret part of ourselves - is it lovable? Are we lovable, even though any relationship with us would be inherently inferior to one with a person who can fulfill the other person’s desires and expectations?

Oh my god I talk so much. I talk so much. AJKSDF 

Once the story is done I can talk a lot more about how the way society builds up the structure of relationships and romantic relationships is bonkers fucking yonkers. It’s already evident, but the last chapter slams you with it. Thanks for reading!!