#unless you're bad at swimming I may judge you then.

[solar-ships]

🎀 and 🌻for the OC F/O Ask game

Thank you so much for the ask!

🎀 - What kind of relationship do you and your F/O have? What's your overall dynamic within their universe?

Ianto and I are still kind of finding our feet. Ever since I created him, we've sort of had a... love-hate relationship, because I speak with utmost affection when I say that this man is a mess. He's done a lot of harm in his canon, and wasn't the easiest person to deal with as his writer, but something happened to me in March that led to me finding a lot of comfort in him, aaaand I think we've kind of been catching feelings since? We're not putting a label on it so far. For the general dynamic... we're pretty similar, personality-wise, which can lead to butting heads, but at this point, it's more playful bickering than anyone, and also makes me low-key melt because I know Ianto prefers to sweet-talk people unless he really likes them/feels like they're close. Romantic tension off the charts and lots of casual physical affection. Gods, he's so... *hides my face in my hands*

Ava and I are the sort of couple that finish each others' sentences. Despite being a few years older than me, it almost feels like your classic teenage romance - she's fun, she's just fun, excitable and adventurous in a way that I'm not, but I let her drag me along. I think we're probably menaces to the people around us, low-key enabling each others' chaos, with constant banter and PDA (she's a cat - if my lap is free, it's her seat now).

I would describe my relationship with Knows-The-Skies as queerplatonic, I think? We're definitely more than friends, but I wouldn't say we're romantic (though I wouldn't mind that, tbh...). Been very close for a very long time, and have managed to become very emotionally attuned to each other. We've got the same fascination with history and the natural world, so a lot of our bonding is through fact-sharing, showing off pretty rocks or interesting bugs we found, or exploring some new area together... and also, she's super touch starved and kind of uses me as a cure for that. It's very soft, patient and kind of understated. I really like it <3

🌻 - If you're in a romantic relationship, what type of partner is your F/O?

I mean... I have to be frank, Ianto is kind of a bad one? Just judging by how he treats his canon love interest. It's the main reason we haven't gotten together earlier. He rarely falls in love, but when he does, it's hard and fast, and it's hard for him to fall out of it again. However, he struggles to maintain them. No matter how much he may like a person, the thrill will eventually wear off, and he'll become distant, turning his focus more towards himself and his other flings (he doesn't do closed relationships). It's not something he likes about himself. However, when you do have him... oh, it's divine. It's like something out of a romance novel. He's almost worshipful towards his partners - red wine, chocolates and cherries, ballroom dancing in ancient palaces or slow dancing in dark kitchens, walks in gardens and rose bouquets, long mornings in bed where he insists that he doesn't care if he's late to work, the kingdom can crumble for all he cares, this is far more important. If I have to describe him as a partner in one word, it's passionate.

Ava tries so hard to be this hot, punk, queer heartbreaker whose attitude towards relationships is so very casual, and it's true that she does like flings and FWB relationships... but she's also got a tendency to fall so hard she can't sleep because she's too busy thinking about them and it's honestly kinda frustrating. If I have to describe her as a partner in one word, it's adventurous. She will climb a window at 5AM to wake her darling up and take them on an urban-ex date. She'll write their names in grafitti or push them to go swimming in the nearby lake after two drinks, just so she can see them in swimwear, all while teasing and complimenting them in the same breath, her love evident every time she looks at them. It can be a bit intense, but it can also be the time of your life.

Knows-The-Skies has some... issues with intimacy. First as a wanted woman, then as a vampire, always as a wanderer, she's very, very aware of how proximity to her could lead to other people getting into danger. Even though she's pretty social by nature, she likes to stay clear of others to try to keep them safe. She needs someone who's even more stubborn than she is, someone she can really feel like she can trust and rely on. If you manage to get her to that point, though? She's ride or die, she'll never let you go. Slowburn that will most likely end in a marriage. If I have to describe her as a partner in one word, it's devoted.

[cherie-zip]

Angel Hotline: A Midnight Talk

The Siren puts a lullaby on me.

"So, care to explain why you're here?" 

The woman sitting in front of me showed no interest in averting her gaze from me, even when I attempted to divert her attention by swaying the glasses in my hands. To be precise, I was too afraid to meet her gaze—her Siren eyes. If I may be honest, I was trying to distract myself from her melodic voice.

Come to think of it, someone once said that it was bad luck to ignore someone who was talking to you. So, I just shrugged my shoulders, giggled, and attempted to meet her gaze. However, I failed miserably; her eyes were incredibly captivating. I had never been this close to a Siren before, and I never imagined their presence could be so intimidating.

"I know what you are," her voice resonated deeper than the ocean. Please, don't ask me which ocean, as I can barely swim in the seashore. "Didn't they say that angels would never belong to the human world?" 

"Nor a Siren," I replied with a smile, accompanied by a wink that seemed to aggravate her. She deliberately displayed her annoyed expression. Perhaps I should appreciate her anger management, as some sinful creatures struggle to engage in pleasant conversations for even a minute.

Finally, mustering up my courage, I took a seat and pushed a glass of chamomile tea towards her. "Don't worry, there's no poison in there. I assure you, chamomile tea is completely harmless for a siren like you. Unless, of course, you have a flower allergy."

She rolled her eyes, appearing increasingly annoyed, but still attempted to take a sip of the chamomile tea I had prepared. She glanced around, as if ensuring that no one was nearby, before handing something to me.

A white feather. 

"Is this yours, or does it belong to another angel?" 

When I say that I let out the biggest gasp of my life, please believe me. It may sound exaggerated, but I was genuinely taken aback when I saw what she held in her hands. My surprise only grew when I realized she had brought it back to me.

"It wasn't mine, but I know to whom this feather belongs," I said with a smile as I carefully placed the white feather in my pocket. "I will return it to its owner soon. Thank you for bringing it to me."

No matter how hard I tried to steer the conversation away, the woman refused to give up. She emitted noises resembling hissing, and then slammed her hands on the table, making her demand clear.

In that moment, I should have been grateful that she didn't opt to sing me a lullaby. Otherwise, it might have been the last time anyone heard about me. Or perhaps not? Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through my back, causing my entire nervous system to react. I flinched involuntarily, providing enough fodder for the siren to laugh at my expense.

"Judging by your laughter, Madam, I believe you already have the answer to your question," I said, taking the empty cup of chamomile tea and secretly smiling, realizing that she had enjoyed the tea I had made for her. "I lost my wings. No, I actually broke them. They say it was a curse when I fell here. Yet, a miracle was bestowed upon me: the ability to heal the broken wings of every angel except my own."

Although her stares remained filled with malice, I could somehow detect a hint of sympathy amidst the irony, as I pretended to keep myself occupied with the dirty glasses.

"Every time an angel falls and breaks their wings, I must always be there to welcome them and do my best to mend their wings, which I have always succeeded in doing," I chuckled, finding amusement in both myself and her attentive demeanor. "Isn't it ironic to know that I am the sole owner of the Angel Hotline, capable of fixing all kinds of wings—you'd be surprised to hear that I've even repaired fairy wings—yet I am not allowed to mend my own."

"Is it painful?" she asked.

Once again, I burst into laughter, but this time tears mingled with my laughter, streaming down my face. The pain in my back resurfaced, yet it was the ache in my chest that hurt the most whenever she reminded me of the pain I endured.

It was undeniably one of the most embarrassing moments of my existence. Allowing my tears to be seen by one of the most sinful creatures, who regarded me with a sympathetic gaze. What could be more mortifying than this? People often claimed that angels were meant to laugh at beings like her, but here I was, finding myself the subject of laughter instead.

"It truly is," I admitted, my voice trembling as the world around me seemed to spin. "I couldn't help but envy the other angels whose wings were perfectly restored, without a single flaw, allowing them to soar back to the land of heaven. They fell, yet were swiftly forgiven. And here I stand, stranded in the human world. My envy consumed me, and perhaps that's why they chose to keep me here, believing I deserve to be cursed for eternity."

"And what are your thoughts on it?" she inquired, her smoky eyes fixed upon me, displaying a visible curiosity. She seemed oblivious to my miserable appearance, as I endured the pain emanating from my broken wings and something within my chest—likely my heart.

Once more, I burst into laughter.

“I think I deserve to be cursed, too.”

[exeggcute]

i've noticed that you're around my age and that you're learning how to draw. how do you shut down the nasty feeling that it's way too late and almost embarrassing to be trying to learn how to draw in your mid-twenties?

gonna be honest... I really don’t! sometimes it’s overwhelmingly embarrassing and I feel super jealous when I see people with cool art styles who clearly have a lot of skill and practice under their belt (although it’s always a wake-up call when I realize that a particular artist I’m envious of is like, a professional with years of education and industry experience. like oh, right, they’ve worked for this! they’ve put in thousands and thousands of hours when I maybe sit down and Draw for like, an hour a week these days!)

in my case it helps a little bit that I have other “artistic” skills as a professional writer (granted, describing the kind of writing I do as “art” is a massive fucking stretch, but still) and can tell myself “well drawing is a fun thing, not a Work Thing, you have other stronger talents that you’ve worked for.” and even that is like (1) it may or may not be true, but being a writer (and in my case, a very specific and unsexy kind of writer) doesn’t get you the same rush of notoriety as being a visual artist, especially in today’s virtual day and age, and (2) I still get those exact same pangs of envy with talented authors. sometimes I read some shit that’s so good it makes me mad I didn’t write it myself, even when it’s like, a personal essay about something that would never happen to me in a thousand lifetimes.

that drifted a little too far from your question but what I guess I’m trying to say is that sometimes it’s hard to shut out the feeling, but you can try to take it as a constructive, motivational tool (”I want to get to this level!”) instead of an obstructive self-blocker (”I’ll never get to this level”). and as much as it feels like one, it’s definitely not a race in terms of like, being the Best Youngest Artist. there’s no quotient that divides your skill by your age and gives you a higher result if you’ve lived less years on earth. hell, even the kind of artist you look up to now (by which I mean “are jealous of”) will probably evolve over time as your own critical eye changes and picks up on new skills and techniques. and your ability to judge your own art will evolve, too--I’m not gonna embed the image here because it’ll get compressed to hell, but here’s a visualization I found really helpful for this kind of thing: the difference between your “art eye” and your “art skill,” and how the lag between the two can make it feel like you’re plateauing when you’re actually not.

I know I said earlier that this isn’t a race, but let me use a metaphor that... well, is very much a race in some ways. but I used to do competitive swimming (WAY back in the day), and as much as all the coaches would say “it’s not a race, you’re just looking to beat your own best time!”... of course we all treated it like a race. like, give me a fucking break! you got ribbons and shit based on how you did! 

but at the same time, there was something gratifying about shaving half a second off your record time. some of the very best swimmers were, without fail, the ones who really did treat it as a race against their previous times. (not that I was one of them by any means, lol.) yes, they would usually “win” overall, but they weren’t truly pleased with themselves unless they were making improvements on their personal records. they didn’t really give a shit about the people in the lane next to them--me swimming slower didn’t make them swim faster. being “better” than the asthmatic with a pinched nerve is one thing, but if you weren’t giving it your best then the victory rings hollow.

and you know, easier said than done. we all want to win. we all want those shiny swim team ribbons that gather dust in your parents’ attic for ten years. but the only way to really grow, whether as an artist or a swimmer, is to race against yourself. the other competitors are always changing, they may not even give two shits about you, and any “victory” you have over them is completely relative. setting your own personal milestones is hard, and the Bad Feelings may not go away, but when you look back and see your improvement it’s really gratifying in a way that comparing yourself to your peers never can be.

I’ve been a “self-taught” artist for basically forever, which means I was always slightly better at drawing than the average person my age (but not by a whole lot). only recently have I made much of an effort to like, go out of my way and start learning a lot of fundamentals I clearly never picked up on along the way. and I still have a damn long way to go, but looking back and seeing the improvement I’ve made over X weeks or months or years has given me a lot of motivation to continue that trend.

which is all just to say: I haven’t found a way to shut down that nasty inner voice, but you don’t have to listen to every word it says. it’s a test of endurance, not speed! keep at it, enjoy yourself, hone your skills, never stop learning. you don’t have to post everything (especially with how demoralizing the social media game can be), but keep all your shit somewhere so you can go back and see how you’ve improved over time. it makes a world of difference