#unless she's being eaten by slugs right now which is possible

[balkanradfem]

whiny zuchinni seedling voice: I hate it in here... it's wet and this soil is horrible... you put me in this clay... the pH is disgusting and is that a weed? Is that a weed next to me? I am withering. I am dying mother. Why did you plant me in here. I am never going to thrive in this dirt. I hate what you've done with the place.

[homemade-potato]

shit i forgot to say like a week ago

Here’s chapter two, have fun reading or smthn

Chapter one for those of you who are too lazy to go back (bcs same)

and here it is below the cut (i know, i’m putting effort in today)

This chapter was surprisingly short compared to the last one lmao, it's only seven pages compared to the last one's nine and it's 1500 words shorter which is good for me, but it was still a surprise.

Anyway, enjoy!

Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to their nephew on the front step, but Privet Drive had barely changed. The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the uniform brass number four on the Dursley’s front door; it crept into their living room which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr Dursley had seen the fateful news report about owls. Only the photographs had changed, ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink boy wearing different-coloured bobble hats. But Dudley Dursely was no longer a baby, now the photographs showed a large blonde boy riding his first bicycle, on a roundabout at the travelling fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother. The room held no sign of there being another boy living in the house.

Yes, Harry Potter was still there, he hadn’t been abandoned on the front step of an orphanage no matter how much his aunt wanted to do so, he was asleep at the moment, but not for long. His aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice which made the first sound of the day.

‘Up! Get up! Now!’

Harry woke with a start, his aunt rapped on the door again.

‘Up!’ She screeched. Harry heard her making her way to the kitchen and then the sound of a frying pan being pulled from its wrack and put on the cooker. He rolled back on his and tried to remember the dream he had been having, it had been a good one. There had been a flying motorbike in it. He had a funny feeling he’d had the same dream before.

His aunt was back outside his door. ‘Are you up yet?’ she demanded.

‘Nearly,’ said Harry.

‘Well hurry up, I want you to look at the bacon. And don’t you dare let it burn. I want everything perfect on Duddy’s birthday.’

Harry groaned.

‘What did you say?’ His aunt snapped through the door.

‘Nothing, nothing...’

Dudley’s birthday - how could he have forgotten? Harry eased himself off of his small mattress and started looking for socks. He found a pair under his mattress and, after pulling a spider off one of them, he put them on. Harry was used to spiders because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where he slept.

When he was dressed he went down the hall to the kitchen. The table was almost hidden with presents of varying sizes. It looked as if Dudley had got the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike. Why Dudley wanted a racing bike was anyone’s guess, as Dudley hated exercise - unless of course, it involved beating up somebody. Dudley’s favourite punching bag was Harry, but he couldn’t catch him more often than not. He didn’t look like it, but Harry was very fast.

Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard for the better part of his life but Harry had always been small and skinny for his age and he looked even more small and skinny than he was because he was forced to wear Dudley’s old clothes and Dudley was about four times larger than he was, in both width and height. Harry had a thin face, knobbly knees, black hair, and bright green eyes. He wore wire-framed round glasses held together with a lot of sellotape because of all the times Dudley had punched him on the nose. The only thing Harry really liked about his appearance was a very thin scar on his forehead shaped like a lightning bolt, he thought it looked very badass and had had it for as long as he could remember. The first question he could remember asking was asking his Aunt Petunia how he got it.

‘In a car crash when your parents died,’ she had replied before saying, ‘and don’t ask questions.’

Don’t ask questions - that was the first rule to a peaceful life with the Dursleys, if he didn’t obey that rule…. Well, we’ll get into that later.

Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as Harry was turning over the bacon. ‘Comb your hair!’ He barked as a way of a morning greeting. About once a week, Uncle Vernon peered over the top of his newspaper and shouted that Harry needed a haircut. Harry must have had more haircuts than the rest of the boys in his class put together, yet there was never any difference, his hair simply grew all over the place.

Harry was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother, Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon - he had a large pink face, not much neck, small watery eyes, and thick blonde hair on his head which he inherited from his Aunt Petunia. She often said Dudley looked like a baby angel, Harry thought he looked like a pig in a wig.

Harry put the plates of bacon and eggs on the table, which was quite difficult as presents took up most of the space. Dudley, meanwhile, was counting them. His face fell.

‘Thirty-six,’ he said looking up at his parents, ‘that’s two less than last year.’

‘Darling, you haven’t counted Auntie Maggie’s present, see, it’s under this big present from Mummy and Daddy.’

‘Alright, thirty-seven then,’ said Dudley, going red in the face. Harry, who felt a huge Dudley-tantrum coming on, began wolfing down his bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley  flipped the table.

Aunt Petunia obviously smelled danger too, as she said quickly, ‘And we’ll buy you two more presents while we’re out today. How does that sound, Popkin? Two more presents, is that all right?’

Dudley thought for a moment. It looked like hard work, Harry thought. Finally, he said slowly, ‘So, I’ll have thirty… thirty…’

‘Thirty-nine, sweetums,’ said Aunt Petunia.

‘Oh,’ Dudley sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel, ‘okay then.’

Uncle Vernon chuckled. ‘Little tyke wants his money’s worth, just like his father. Atta boy, Dudley!‘ He ruffled Dudley’s hair.

At that moment, the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went up to answer it while Harry and Uncle Vernon watched Dudley a racing bike, a cine-camera, a remote-control aeroplane, sixteen new video games, and a video recorder. He was ripping the wrapping paper off of a golden wristwatch when Aunt Petunia walked back into the room looking like she’d just eaten a lemon.

‘Bad news, Vernon,’ she said, Mrs Figg’s broken her leg, she can’t take him.’ She jerked her head in Harry’s direction.

Dudley’s mouth fell open in horror but Harry’s heart gave a leap. Every year on Dudley’s birthday, his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure and theme parks, hamburger bars, or the cinema. Every year, Harry was left behind with Mrs Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away, Harry hated going there, the whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs Fiigg forced him to look at photographs of all the cats she’d ever owned. The only part of going to her house he enjoyed, was when she offered him stale cake and tea about halfway through his visit. The lavender scent of the fondant flowers on top of the cake was always so calming. The bittersweet of the flower’s taste never failed to relax him and then, somehow, he didn’t mind learning about her cats with heavy eyes under the heavy scent of lavender and the heavy, sleep-inducing taste of the tea.

‘Now what?’ said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at Harry as though he’d planned this. Harry knew he should be sorry that Mrs Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn’t easy when he reminded himself that it would be a whole year before he had to look at Mr Tibbles, Snowy, Snowball, Mr Paws, Tufty, Smokey, Misty, and Coco again.

‘We could phone Marge,’ Uncle Vernon suggested.

‘Don’t be silly, Vernon, she’d kill the boy.’

The Durselys often spoke about Harry like this, as though he wasn’t there - or rather, as though he was something very nasty and beneath them, like a slug.

‘What about whats-her-name, your friend, Yvonne?’

‘On holiday in Majorca,’ snapped Aunt Petunia.

‘You could just leave me here,’ Harry put in hopefully (he’d be able to watch the television and maybe even have a go on Dudley’s computer).

Aunt Petunia looked like she’d swallowed another lemon. ‘And come back and find this house in ruins?’ She snarled.

‘I won’t blow up the house,’ said Harry, but they weren’t listening.

‘I suppose we could take him to the zoo,’ said Aunt Petunia slowly, ‘and leave him in the car.’

‘The car’s new, he’s not sitting in it alone.’

Dudley began to cry loudly, in fact, he wasn’t crying. It had been years since he’d properly cried, but he knew if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted.

‘Dinky Duddyums, don’t cry, mummy won’t let him spoil your birthday!’ She cried, flinging her arms around him in a comforting hug.

‘I… Don’t… Want…. Him… T-To come!’ Dudley wailed between huge pretend sobs, ‘He always s-spoils everything!’ He sent Harry a nasty smile through a gap in his mother’s arms.

Just then the doorbell rang - ‘Oh Good Lord, they’re here already!’ said Aunt Petunia frantically and a moment later, Dudley’s best friend, Piers Polikss, walked in with his mother, Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat - he was usually the one who held people’s arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them. Dudley stopped pretending to cry immediately.

Half an hour later, Harry couldn’t believe his luck, he was sitting in the back of the Dursely’s car with Piers and Dudley on the way to the zoo for the first time in his life! His aunt and uncle hadn’t been able to think of anything else to do with him, but before they’d left, Uncle Vernon had pulled Harry aside. ‘I’m warning you,’ he’d threatened, putting his large purple face up close to Harry’s, ‘I’m warning you now, boy, any funny business and you’ll be in that cupboard from now ‘til Christmas.’

‘I’m not going to do anything,’ said Harry, ‘honestly.’

But Uncle Vernon didn’t believe him, No one ever did.

The problem was, strange things happened around Harry and it was just no good telling the Dursleys he didn’t make it happen.

Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of Harry coming back from the barbers looking as though he hadn’t been at all, had taken a pair of craft scissors and cut his hair so short he was almost bald bar his fringe which she’d left to ‘cover his horrible scar’. Dudley had laughed himself silly at Harry who’d spent a sleepless night tossing and turning imagining the kids at school pointing and laughing at him, he was already laughed at for his baggy clothes and Sellotaped glasses. The next morning, however, he awoke to find his hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had shorn it off. He’d been given a week in his cupboard with one small meal a day for that, even though he tried to explain, he couldn’t explain how it had grown back so quickly.

Another time, Aunt Petunia had tried to force him into a revolting old jumper of Dudley’s (burgundy with bright orange bobbles), but the more she tried to pull it over his head, the smaller it became until it would have better fitted a sock puppet, but definitely wouldn’t have fit Harry. Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to his great relief, Harry wasn’t punished.

On the other hand, he’d got into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchen. Dudley’s gang had been chasing him as usual when, much to Harry’s surprise, there he was sitting on the chimney. The Dursleys had received a very angry letter from Harry’s headmistress telling them Harry had been climbing school buildings. But all he’d tried to do (as he shouted to Uncle Vernon through the slats in his locked cupboard door) was jump behind the big bins outside the kitchen. Harry supposed that the wind must have caught him mid-jump.

But today, nothing could go wrong. It was even worth being with Dud ley and Piers to be spending the day somewhere that wasn’t school, his cupboard, or Mrs Figgs cabbage smelling home.

While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia, he liked to complain about things: people at work, Harry, the council, Harry, the bank, and Harry were a few of his favourites. This morning, the subject was motorbikes.

‘Bloody bikers roaring along like maniacs, the young hooligans,’ he said as a motorbike overtook them.

‘I had a dream about a motorbike,’ said Harry to himself, remembering suddenly, ‘it was flying.’

Uncle Vernon nearly crashed the car, he turned in his seat and yelled ‘MOTORBIKES DON’T FLY!’

Dudley and Piers sniggered.

‘I know they don’t,’ said Harry, ‘it was only a dream.’

But he wished he hadn’t said anything, if there was one thing the Dursleys hated more than him asking questions, it was him talking about anything acting in a way it shouldn’t, no matter if it were a dream or a cartoon. They seemed to think he would get dangerous ideas.

It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families. The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice creams and then because the smiling lady in the van asked what Harry wanted before they could hurry on, they bought him a cheap lemon ice lolly. It wasn’t bad either, Harry thought, licking it while they watched a gorilla scratching its head. The gorilla looked remarkably like Dudley, except it wasn’t blonde.

Harry had the best morning he’d had in a long time, though he was careful to walk a safe distance away from Dudley and Piers, who were getting bored of the animals by lunchtime, so they wouldn’t fall back into their habit of using him as a punching bag. They ate in the zoo restaurant and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory wasn’t big enough, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and Harry was allowed to finish off the first.

Harry felt afterwards that he should have known it was too good to last.

After lunch, they went to the reptile house. It was cool and dark in there, with lit windows all along the walls. Behind the glass, all sorts of snakes and lizards were crawling and slivering over bits of wood and stone. Dudley and Piers wanted to see the huge poisonous cobras and thick man-crushing pythons. Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place. It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon’s car and crushed it into a dust bin - but at the moment, it didn’t look in the mood. In fact, it was fast asleep.

Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the brown coils.

‘Make it move,’ he whined at his father. Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass but the snake didn’t budge. ‘Do it again,’ Dudley ordered and Uncle Vernon rapped on the glass smartly with his knuckles once more, but the snake snoozed on. ‘This is boring,’ Dudley moaned and he shuffled away.

Harry moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake. He wouldn’t have been surprised if it had died of boredom. It had no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long. It must be worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom where the only visitor he got was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake him up, but at least he got to visit the rest of the house, he thought.

The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes. Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on level with Harry’s.

It winked.

Harry stared. Then he looked quickly around to see if anyone else was watching, they weren’t, he looked towards the tank once more and winked back.

The snake jerked its head towards Dudley and Uncle Vernon then raised its eyes towards the ceiling as if to say 'I get that all the time.'

‘ I know, ’ Harry murmured through the glass, although he wasn’t too sure that the snake could hear him. ‘It must be so annoying.’

The snake nodded vigorously.

‘Where do you come from anyway?’ Harry asked.

The snake jerked its tail at the little sign next to the glass. Harry stared at it.

Boa Constrictor

Brazil

‘Was it nice there?’

The boa constrictor once again jerked it's tail at the sign again and Harry read on

This specimen was bred in captivity

‘Oh, so you’ve never been to Brazil?’

As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind Harry made both of them jump. ‘DUDLEY, MR DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT IT’S DOING’

Dudley came waddling towards them from the lizard section as fast as he could. ‘Out of the way, you,’ he said, punching Harry in the gut. Caught by surprise, Harry fell hard on the concrete floor. What happened next happened so fast no one saw what happened - one second, Piers and Dudley were leaning with their noses on the glass, the next, they leapt back with screams of horror.

Harry sat up and gasped, the glass front of the boa constrictor’s tank had vanished. The great snake began uncoiling itself rapidly before slithering out onto the floor. Harry could have sworn he heard a low hissing voice that said ‘ Brazil here I come… obrigada amiga.’

The keeper of the reptile house was in shock. ‘But the glass,’ he kept saying, ‘where did the glass go?’

The zoo director himself made Aunt Petunia a strong cup of tea while he apologised over and over again. Piers and Dudley could only gibber. As far as Harry could tell, the snake hadn’t done anything but snap playfully at their heels as it passed, but by the time they were all back in Uncle Vernon’s car, Dudey was telling them how it had nearly bitten off his leg. But worst of all for Harry at least, Piers was calming down enough to say ‘Harry was talking to it, weren’t you, Harry?’ With a smirk on his obnoxious face.

Uncle Vernon waited until Piers was safely out of the house before starting on Harry. He was so angry he could barely speak. All he could manage to say was ‘Go - cupboard - stay - no meals,’ before he collapsed in a chair and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy.

Harry lay in his dark cupboard days later, his stomach rumbling and wishing he had a watch. He didn’t know what time it was and he couldn’t risk sneaking to the kitchen to get some food before the Dursleys were asleep.

He’d lived with the Durselys for almost eleven years, eleven long miserable years. He’d been with them for as long as he could remember, ever since his parents had died in a car crash. He couldn’t remember being in a car when his parents had died, but sometimes, when he strained his memory during the long hours in his cupboard, he came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead. This, he assumed, was the crash, though he couldn’t imagine where all the green light came from, a traffic light maybe. He couldn’t remember his parents at all, his aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and, of course, they forbade him from asking questions.

There were no photographs of them in the house.

When he was younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation, an aunt or uncle or cousin from his father’s side to whisk him away, but it had never happened; the Durselys were the only family. Yet sometimes he hoped that the strangers on the street that seemed to know him would do just that, take him away. Although they were very strange strangers, so he thought not. For example, and a tiny old man in a violet top hat had bowed to him once while out shopping, Aunt Petunia, after asking Harry and Dudley if they knew him, had rushed them out of the Tescos without buying anything, the small half-loaf of bread that Harry had stuffed under his huge shirt for just in case aside. A wild-looking woman dressed in all green had once waved merrily at him on the bus. A bald man in a very long purple cloak had shaken his hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. the weirdest thing about these people was the way they seemed to vanish the second Harry attempted to get a closer look.

At school, however, Harry had no one. Everybody knew that Dudley’s gang hated that odd Harry Potter in his baggy old clothes and broken glasses, and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley’s gang, they had a reign of terror in the playground that all were too scared of them to try and overthrow them. However their reign would be coming to an end soon as they go to secondary school.

[haughtlikeme]

Waverly Earp: Who Your Daddy & Mommy?

So this is just a super long post about who could and couldn’t be may or may not be Waverly’s Earp’s parents. It started so small and simple. Then grew.  And grew.  (click the ‘continue/read more link for actual color coded spreadsheets (OMG))

General thoughts on why Ward is/is not the dad:

· He couldn’t even look at her after Mama Earp left.  This implies that he had no attachment to her at all and thus was not her father. OR, that she reminds him only of his failings (an affair he had that produced her) and one of the things that drove his wife away and so is the father.

· In Willa’s diary, she said that “Mama told Daddy that ‘we have to do what is right’.” This is *we* have to do what is right, not *I* have to do what is right. To me this implies that Ward has a responsibility of some sort to this child (like he’s the father) or at least Mama Earp thought he did.

General thoughts on why Mama Earp is/is not the mom:

· At no time was language used indicating Mama Earp was ever pregnant.  Bobo said, “and then there was a baby” (as if it magically appeared). Willa said, “they brought the baby into the house” (as if they hadn’t been preparing for it for 9 months in Mama’s belly). Even Wynonna said, “I remember them bringing you home from the hospital NOT “I remember Mom being preggers”.

So, basically, I’ve convinced myself Mama Earp is not the mom; but I haven’t convinced myself entirely that Ward is not the dad.

Obviously, since I’ve come to various conclusions, those conclusions will be blown up, put through a Dyson vacuum (one of those spiffy new ball ones that you’d see infomercials on during late night TV if you were awake for late night TV), emptied onto the floor, eaten by Calamity Jane, spit up as a hairball, Doc will think it’s a demonic hairy slug and shoot it.  In short, any conclusions I have are just wrong and I love it because this show just surprises me at every turn. But I still love trying to guess anyway.

So, here we go.  The color coding is as follows: BLACK = Impossible* (the * is because NOTHING is impossible in Wynonna Earp). RED = HIGHLY UNLIKELY  YELLOW = somewhere between unlikely and probably not but...?  GREEN = A possibility

 Round 1 Eliminations: Let’s start with some “easy” ones:

Jack (Daddy): His row is entirely black because I figured that any women he encountered would not survive to give birth. Also, all those knives are very Freudian and I’m not sure he’s capable, if you know what I mean. So while him being the dad would be a SUPER creepy twist, I’m going to go with Impossible*. (Also, Jack, if you’re reading this, I totally didn’t mean that Freudian thing, I’m sure you’re awesome, please don’t come after me, thanks.)

Doc Holliday (Daddy): His row is (almost) entirely black, too. I don’t recall him mentioning a bordello down in that well and I also think he might have mentioned by now that he had a conjugal visit some 21 years ago. I do allow, however, that some angel (that he was 100% consensual with but which he attributes to a dream) visited him, thus that square is red (Possible but HIGHLY unlikely).

Rosita (Mama): MUCH NO.  For a lot of reasons. Hot tub being the primary one.

The Blacksmith (Mama): So, when I informed the Blacksmith I was putting together this spreadsheet she said, “I better not be in it.” I told her she was in it. She said, “Perhaps I wasn’t clear. I won’t be in it.” (yes, I speak to the characters in my head and they sometimes speak back, your point is?) In any case, ultimately the Blacksmith scoffed at any possibly she was the mama except when it came to Juan Carlo and some unknown Angelic Male, at which she didn’t utterly laugh or puke, thus her column is mostly black (aka Impossible*). I then brought up to her that, but you know, I totally believe Constance Clootie and you could conceive under the right circumstances…  I said it as a joke to her, but she seemed, like, crackfic intrigued and she didn’t entirely shut it down. Thus I’m slotting that into the Probably Not, but Maybe?.

Constance Clootie (Daddy – yes, DADDY): See above for The Blacksmith for that explanation.

Constance Clootie (Mama): Sure, it’s *possible* she’s the mom. But she had SUCH LOVE for her boys, that I don’t believe she could be Waverly’s mom and then sic zombies on her. I just don’t. So her column I’m marking RED (Possible but HIGHLY unlikely)

Mama Olive (Mama): Okay, I know she’s literally known as ‘mama’ but like, no. Because…no. HOWEVER, I can imagine a poor truck driver coming through town that Mama Olive ‘befriended’…and then ate. And I can imagine Ward discovered this and had to go all Peacemaker on Mama Olive but waited until the baby was born; and then took the baby in.

Either of the Widows (Mama): They were trapped in a box for the last 130 years and in a box 21 years ago. I’m going to to therefore mark their column black (aka Impossible*).

So, now the chart looks like…

Round 2 Eliminations:

Uncle Curtis (Daddy) or Gus (Mama): I just don’t think either of these two had an affair 21 years ago that would result in Waverly. I think they were true to each other. As such, I marked both RED across the board, again *possible* but HIGHLY unlikely. HOWEVER, it is interesting that Uncle Curtis does seem more wrapped up in the curse than just a good neighbor, so there is that.

Shorty (Daddy): I feel like he’s just an honorable guy that would have stepped up if Waverly were his.  So, while it’s possible he’s the dad (like, I don’t think he was a monk), I’m going to go with HIGHLY unlikely across the board simply because he would have been more involved.

Unknown Human Male (Daddy): Okay, sure. Possible but also, eh, this doesn’t feel wackball enough.  But as I type this…I’m second guessing myself.  Maybe the twist is there is no twist! Ahhh.  Still, going to eliminate the dad being a random human dude we haven’t met yet. Unless… the “other person” that visited Willa making promises in the night…?  Okay, I’ll stop going round in circles on this now.

Sheriff Nedley (Daddy): We’ve found him to be a pretty decent guy and actually the perfect kind of Sheriff for Purgatory. But, he does not appear to have a wife. Did she die? Did they divorce? Am I reading way way way too much into a secondary/tertiary character? Probably yes to one of those three questions. In any case, I could see him, unattached, and having a relationship with Mama Earp (who was in an abusive relationship?) or some other female. I do think, however, if he *knew* Waverly were his daughter he’d step up. But maybe he didn’t know. In any case, marking him unlikely to HIGHLY unlikely to be the daddy. (*whew* because that would just be some super awkward family barbecues for so many reasons).

OKAY, so now we’re HERE.

Round 3 Eliminations:

Unknown Revenent Male (Daddy), Unknown Angel Male (Daddy), Unknown Angel Female (Mama): While these are all Probably Not to Highly Unlikely, since they’re all so unknown it’s hard to even speculate (except in specific instances which I’ll discuss in the next section). As such, eliminating these rows and column.

Robert Svain / Bobo Del Rey (Daddy): Wow. Robert. We meet here in the third round of elimination, who would have thunk it. There have been SO many clues that Robert/Bobo had a special relationship with Waverly. But I feel that’s been explained as something different than father/daughter. And while, yes, I accept that Bobo appears to be whom Waverly thinks is her father… I am not ready to embrace that belief yet.  So I don’t rate him being her father as HIGHLY unlikely, I still rate it unlikely.

FINALISTS:

OKAY. So, here’s my further assumption: I’m assuming Waverly knows she’s Wynonna’s Half-Sister (that’s what the DNA said). It *seems* like she’s assuming/knowing that she and Wynonna share maternal DNA but have different paternal DNA. I’m going to ignore her assumption and just say that Wynonna/Waverly share either maternal or paternal DNA but not both.

THUS:

Ward Earp could be the daddy: Now, why do I give the edge of the mama being a revenent rather than a human female?  Well, we do know revenents can disguise themselves enough to have a fling with the Heir without the Heir knowing. Also, once Ward found out his baby-mama was a revenent, he’d have to Peacemaker her; thus his wife saying they have to do the right thing and bring Waverly into the house (since her other parent was sent packing to Hell by Ward). This would also explain why Ward couldn’t look at her…perhaps he was afraid to break the curse, he might have to kill Waverly at some point since she’s part revenent.  Hmm….

Juan Carlo could be the daddy: I don’t think that Mama Earp was ever pregnant, but on the other hand, if she was, Juan Carlo I can imagine being the dad. His kindness and gentleness in counterpoint to Ward. And Juan Carlo is cursed with not being able to take part in the goings on, just observe, so he wouldn’t have been able to raise Waverly himself. And Waverly would have a bit of an umbrella of protection via JC from Ward (but Ward wouldn’t like her very much). Also, Juan Carlo did literally say he was “Father Juan Carlo”.

Ward Earp’s Older Brother could be the daddy: And this is my whackballs theory. Ward could be a second child, like Wynonna is. Something happened that prevented his older brother, let’s call him Wilson (whom I just made up, there’s no evidence there actually is another brother, I accept this) from being the Heir, so Ward inherited it. But then Wilson got someone pregnant and neither he nor the mom could take Waverly in so Mama Earp, knowing the child was family insisted they take her in. Note, this would mean that indeed Waverly would share paternal DNA with Wynonna (at least if Ward and Winston were twins!) So now, Ward, who has been training Willa to be the Heir, now has a new baby in the house who is actually the real Heir (since she’s descended) from the older Earp. So they never celebrate Waverly’s birthday because that’s an acknowledgement / reminder to Ward that he isn’t the Heir and neither is Willa.  And, while I marked this green…. I don’t really think it’s that likely.  But it’s my favorite theory, so there.

[shapeshifting-arch-mage]

Discord RP: 4/27/2018 (Other RP’ers’ swear words are under the cut)

[2488] and finally, lured from the smell of fresh meat. they crawl out. their powers mostly gone. they hiss:

"Fine, go be free. I don't care about you any more" they mumble. they then expel a Soul, is that the mage soul? that powerful soul? it doesn't matter. 2488 looks around, glaring at Mailna. they steal a cookie cake than dart back into the safety of the bushes. odd... doesn't he hunt these areas? 

[Mail] "oh great. he took a part of the cake. meanie"

My lamentations are interrupted by the sudden sensation of being shot out from somewhere. I land on the ground and sprout a pair of tiny red legs to stand up with. I realize that I can no longer feel the presence of the three other human souls, the dragon soul, or 2488.

"...Am I... free?" I wonder to myself. However, the sounds of 2488 showing up and releasing me have attracted the attention of the Temmie, who had been perusing her list of music on her cell phone. Her head darts up and she fixes a wide-eyed gaze on me.

"is... is a... a... SOULs?!?" she whispers in disbelief. Temmie has heard of human souls and how they are far more powerful than monster souls, but until now, she has never seen one in person. Transfixed by the sight of me, she leaves her phone and LED light by the tree and vibrates over to where I stand. "u a SOULs?!?!"

[Mail] Mailna watches

...That voice. I know that voice. It's the voice of a-

Temmie claps me between her paws. "h-h-h-human SOULs... such a... CUTE!!1!"

Wait a minute, wait a minute. If Temmie's holding my disembodied soul, I realize, then that would mean that she could...

...Oh no. Oh no. Oh dear god, no. Right after I just got free from 2488, I'm about to get absorbed again?! What the heck would happen if a Temmie, of all monsters, absorbed a human soul?! Would she become a super-powerful Temmie to rule the rest of them?! With my soul and my powers, she probably could...

[M] "wow. the Island just got a whole lot more interesting"

But on the other hand, Temmies adore humans. Would she really do this to me? Would she- Temmie snuggles me against her.

"is a nice SOUL...! a nice hoomin SOUL...! ...u liek hapY fun rAev time, humin???"

Happy fun... rave time? Is that what she just said? Why would a Temmie ask me that? Temmies don't rave, they just vibrate until their faces detach. At least, that's the closest thing to a dance I've ever seen them do...

Of course, I certainly know another monster- a Fresh-possessed one- who does, but he hasn't shown up in quite some time. I can't help but wonder if I'll ever see him here again...

[C] Corrin wasn't sure what to make of the Big Sister still. It seemed harmless enough. She was about to say something else when something slammed into her side, knocking her out of the Big Sister’s hand. As Corrin fell, she noticed that the figure that attacked her was... HER?!?

"What the? Wha-How is this possible!" Corrin said. She drew Yato out as the chocolate figure also pulled out what looked to be Omega Yato! Two other chocolate figures fell along with it wielding what looked to be a chocolate version of the Blazing and Shadow Yato. Corrin wasn't sure what was going on, but it looked that they were out for blood...HER blood! She transformed into a dragon as she flew over back toward the countertop. The three chocolate clones also transformed into dragons as they gave chase to Corrin. As she reverted to normal along with the chocolate clones, Corrin held her Yato in a defensive stance as the three figures only glared at Corrin, clearly bent on killing her!

Temmie glances up at Corrin and her chocolate clones for a moment, before placing me in her mouth and wandering back over to the tree where she left her phone and lamp.

[Big Sister] A quick glance from the Big Sister would show one she's still around, and piecing the situation together it could easily say this. SAY YES. Give it what it wants. If, of course, the little thing in its arms didn't want to be eaten like that cookie it devoured. The humanity. Then the Big Sister saw as Corrin was about to fight a bunch of chocolate monsters. What the hell. She would give Corrin a little hand, feeling as if this wasn't her place by placing her hand upon the counter where Corrin had stood, giving her a chance for a tactical retreat. However... its attention was on the little white furred thing that had just put another thing in its mouth before going back to a phone. What the hell was happening today.

Temmie attempts to ask me another question, but she doesn't seem to be able to speak clearly with a human soul in her mouth.

"yrrr nr brrkrr rrrvmrrrn???"

"...brrkrr d rrvmrrrn?? brrft drrjrr?? brrft hrrpr frr rrv trrrmmf??? ...hrrmrrrnn???"

[M] Mailna quietly freaks out on the inside.for no apperant reason

I can feel her mouth moving against me as she talks... o_o;

I wiggle my tiny red legs in a pitiful attempt to escape, to which Temmie responds by dropping me out of her mouth and into her paws.

She then asks me again: "u no Baku?? u kno best dJ Baku? is best dJ raEvman?!?1" She vibrates excitedly at the thought of her favorite DJ.

...

...Baku.

...Baku.

Hearing that name coming from her- coming from a Temmie, an innocent, naive Temmie- sends a chill through me as the realization takes hold. She knows Baku. She's met him, and judging by how excited she's acting just from mentioning him- she seems to adore him. That slimeball. That selfish, personal space-invading, awesomely-dressed CREEP. She LIKES him. I'm at a loss for words, and not just because of my current lack of a mouth.

[Big Sister] What the hell was a Baku? What was that thing even saying? Unlike other humans with their odd speech, the Big Sister could barely understand the Temmie with her weird inflections. It was distracting, sending the creature all sorts of mixed signals. Where do they start and where do they end? Perhaps she could inquire about it... the Big Sister would glance to Corrin and give them a small open palm to signify waiting before walking over to the little fluffy white thing. The last step it makes is a stomp, trying to get the little critters’ attention.

Temmie misinterprets my little shiver of nervousness as a shiver of excitement. She was about to keep talking when she hears a loud thud, and turns to the Big Sister. With my soul still firmly in her paws, she asks:

"OO! OOO! u no Baku da ravEman to?1?!! is best dj!! has best fun haPy rAevtImes!1!!!"

All I can do is quiver, uneasy at the thought that Baku has an actual devoted fangirl. And she's a Temmie, of all things. This poor creature most likely has no idea of just who she's really obsessing over...

After all, Baku isn't who he appears to be. While he may appear to be a tall, sleek skeleton monster in a sleeveless hoodie, he's really a tiny little slug-like creature living inside said skeleton monster, controlling his every move. I highly doubt that this Temmie knows that, however, since there'd be no way for her to tell unless she had already learned what Fresh parasites were and how they functioned beforehand. And I very much doubt that she has...

[C] Corrin knew that she was outmatched facing against clones of herself... even if they were made entirely of chocolate. She looked back at the Big Sister as she saw that it gave her a sign that she took as waiting. She nodded as she turned her attention back towards her chocolate coated clones. The Chocolate Corrin (Which for simplicity’s sake will be abbreviated as C.Corrin) that had the Blazing Yato in hand rushed forward as the chocolate coated blade swung at Corrin. Corrin reacted quickly by raising Yato to meet with the Chocolate Blazing Yato. The blades clashed with a ting as tiny pieces of chocolate flew from the Chocolate Blazing Yato. Corrin reached for her Silver sword and swung up to disarm the C.Corrin. She then swung Yato at the C.Corrin, chopping at the chocolate-coated arm, which seemed to have fallen off easily. The C.Corrin jumped back as her arm fell on the table. Corrin could only grip her blades as she observed the chocolate clone’s every move.

"u no Baku?! u no da Baku best dJ?!?! u kno him?!?!" Temmie asks the Big Sister again, vibrating with anticipation.

[Big Sister] Damage control would be attempted immediately. The Big Sister would nod in response, seemingly capable of actually understanding someone. But first... seeing as the little red thing was terrified, as fear was something the Big Sister saw as commonly as corpses, she would extend her hand and make a little gesture with her fingers in a polite attempt to convince the cute creature that the red thing was hers. Of course it wasn’t at all hers but, the kitty couldn’t know. Or was it a super fluffy dog with one of the most adorable faces its ever honestly seen? It would turn back for a moment before taking note that the things trying to attack her were chocolate. Not even close to dangerous. Unless they shot fire or something. But in the meantime, turns back to the little thing and nods. Did the Temmie have two sets of ears? That’s just weird.

Not getting an answer, the Temmie asks again, with more urgency:

"u no him?!? u kno him?1?1! u no da RAVEMAN?!?!?!" She is vibrating harder than ever, to the point where her face can't keep up with how hard the rest of her body is vibrating.

[Big Sister] OK this was weird, but the creature nods again towards her, hopefully she doesn’t require a vocal answer otherwise she would vibrate until she explodes.

"awawawa!! U NO BAKU!! U NO DA BEST DJ RAVEMAAAAAAAAN!!1!" Temmie is completely overcome with excitement. She vibrates harder and harder, except for her face, which continues to vibrate much less intensely than the rest of her. I, meanwhile, am becoming increasingly disturbed at just how fanatical this Temmie is towards Baku. A scumbag like him doesn't deserve a fan this utterly devoted, no matter how amazing his fashion sense is.

[M] Sadly, the cake croc has never heard of Baku. but wants to learn more. But hell no are they going to ask. This is business rivalry. they're bad for business, they're not going to be friendly towards them. well, mostly. i guess.

[Big Sister] As if the cake crocodile had ANY sort of say in the matter of business in the first place. But, for the time being the Big Sister continues to nod slowly while attempting, slowly to not startle the tiny creature, place its hand upon the red “Soul” thing and perhaps slip it out of the paws of the Temmie. Because that vibrating was honestly making the Big Sister extremely confused, but she was acting like she knew Baku and she knew what she was doing.

Unfortunately for the Big Sister, Temmie notices her reaching for my soul. She stops vibrating and backs away, clutching me to her chest.

"n-n-NO!! is... human soul is MINE!!1! IS MINE1!!! IS MY HUMIN SOULs1!!!1!1 IS MINE, IS MINE, IS..."

As she holds me close, I can feel myself moving even closer to her. Moving into her. closer, closer, into her body... and then dread overtakes me as I realize what's about to happen. As I sink into her chest and out of sight, the Temmie begins to glow...

She becomes engulfed in white light...

[C] Corrin held Yato and her Silver Sword in front of her as the three C.Corrins slowly appraoched her with their respective Yatos drawn. Though the C.Corrin that had the Blazing Yato had one of its arms sliced off, it still slowly approached Corrin with the others. Corrin slowly walked back until she felt one of her foot slip. She managed to regain her balance as she looked behind her. She noticed the scene where the Big Sister was doing... something? She couldn't tell what exactly was happening as a white light enveloped what looked to be a cat-dog creature. She turned back in time to parry a blow from the other C.Corrin that had the Shadow Yato. There was no way Corrin was going to win THIS fight! She transformed into a dragon as she flew off, catching up to the Big Sister. She landed beside what she thought was the creatures shoulder as she tried to observe what happened. Fortunately, it sounded like she lost the three clones that were after her... for now.

[Big Sister] Fuck fuck fuck this was too early! Whoops maybe making a move was a dumb idea, no matter how slowly. But you only realize the mistake you made, after making it after all she was not into this shit. So seeing as the scene would probably get really ugly, and noticing that Corrin happened to be backed far against a metaphorical wall... it would take a step back, then another before turning her head away from the scene and dashing away into the resort lobby, planning on hiding wherever. In a pool or a ocean, if Corrin could breathe underwater then they could wait this out.

She stands up on her hind legs as the white light changes to rainbow colors, before finally fading.

...

...The fusion emerges.

"I...

Im..."

...

...We look down at ourselves. We look at our clothes, and our paws, and then we take off the little witch's hat that has appeared on our head, turning it around in our front paws before putting it back on our head.

"im a... wat am i...?""Im a tem... but i got a human soul an' a Tem soul..."

"and I gots... magic??" I remembered that I had dropped my wand right before 2488 crushed me. What happened to it? The Temmie, seemingly in response to my wondering this, suggests an idea. Alright, I suppose it's worth a try...

We hold our right paw out to the side and a line of golden light appears in our palm, coalescing into the shape of a wand.

...My wand! It's back! How did we get it back? Did it return itself to my inventory somehow? I didn't actually get to see 2488 absorb it, so I fail to consider that perhaps it was already in my inventory when 2488 spat me back out.

"we gots my wand back! I gots a magic! Tems magic and humans magic!!1!" We stretch our paw that's holding the wand, brandishing it in a show-offy manner.

"Its a good wand! its so stronk!!" We remind ourselves- or rather, I remind myself, and inform the Temmie. The Temmie, meanwhile, is thinking about how my wand could be used to improve her mini-raves- which reminds us that she left her phone and LED lamp by the tree (having me in her body seems to improve the Temmie's memory and attention span somewhat). We hurry back over to the tree and place the lamp and cell phone back into our inventory.

What should we do next, we wonder? It's getting kind of late, and there are cots in the infirmary to sleep in; we are both aware of that. With our wand, cell phone, and LED lamp safely returned to our possession, we enter the building.