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taylorroger-s · 5 years

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are you afraid of the dark // roger taylor x reader

a/n heyyy there people! so this is for @forever-rogue ‘s halloween challenge. there were so many awesome prompts that it was hard to choose, but i went with #11 (“is that red syrup? please tell me it is syrup.”), #12 (“i paid $50.00 for this haunted house. I better die.”), and #19 (“let’s split up.” “let’s not”). warnings about halloween stuff???? a haunted house is included, so enter at your own risk. but honestly this is just some fluffy, slightly self indulgent haunted house date

masterlist here!

enjoy :)

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“c’mon rog, it’ll be fun!”

you had your arms wrapped around your boyfriend’s waist with your head resting on his shoulder he ignored your plea and continued his efforts to make pasta while you distracted him as often as possible. you had been begging for the past hour and a half in hopes of persuading him to the local haunted house. autumn had always been your favorite time of year, with halloween being the highlight. each year you would go all out with some elaborate and unique outfit, a highly decorated flat, and attending any costume party you were invited to.

roger wasn’t as keen on the practice, for reasons you couldn’t understand. what was there not to love about oversized sweaters and spiked apple cider? but somehow, he certainly thought something was. so when you heard about a supposedly terrifying haunted house located just a few blocks from your london flat, convincing roger to take you became your singular goal. you were determined to have him share your passion for the holiday.

“what could possibly be fun about paying to be terrified? there’s plenty to be afraid of in the real world, love.” you scrunched up your nose, fingers slowly playing with the hem of his half-buttoned shirt. his long hair tickled your cheek, swaying softly as he shuffled around with you clinging to him like a lost puppy. he let out a heavy sigh, taking your hands off his waist with calloused fingers from years of drumming, and turned to face you, his back resting against the counter. you kept your fingers gripping his as you leaned into him.

“it’ll just be you and i rog, all alone in the dark.” your voice lowered, eyes slowly scanning his soft features and baby blue eyes. he really was too pretty for his own good. you fiddled with the silver necklaces resting against his sternum, occasionally raising your eyes to meet his with a coy smile. you knew exactly how to entrance him, and you could feel his breathing grow shallow.

“you know that isn’t true.” he said, voice low and laced with annoyance. you almost had him. your hands snaked higher and wrapped strands of his blond locks in between your fingers, nails occasionally scraping his scalp. you felt his muscles relax under your touch, and his eyes slowly closed. it was almost possible to see the gears turning in his head, weighing the pros and cons of your request.

“please?” you whispered, placing a chaste kiss to his jawline. once you looked up at him with a sickly sweet smile and eyelashes fluttering softly, he was a goner. roger let out a heavy sigh through his nose. he reached up and took your hand from his hair, holding it gently as he slowly met your eyes.

“i hate you sometimes, you know that right?” he muttered, placing a soft kiss to your palm. you broke into a triumphant grin, rising up on your toes to kiss him on the cheek. his arms sunk to your waist and pulled you tighter, and you moved to mirror his actions. he rested his chin on the top of your head, fingers tracing soft patterns at the base of your spine. perfectly content.

“i love you too.”

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“how do i look?” you chirped, doing a quick twirl to show off your lord of the rings-esque elf costume. most of it was thrifted or handmade, and you were immensely proud of how it turned out. you tried to convince roger to match, but he declined in favor of a flashier alternative. he did love his patterns.

“absolutely ravishing, love.” he responded, adjusting his sleeves as he looked you up and down. you smirked, striding over to press a slow kiss to his temple. he chased your lips with his, but you backed away just before they met. he pouted, but you simply patted him on the cheek and went to retrieve your purse.

“good. now let’s get going, i want to avoid the lines.” roger pulled on one of his fur coats and followed you out the door, hands shoved into the deep pockets with a frown on his face. he hadn’t complained as much as you expected, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t made his disdain for the evening’s plans unknown. the ride was just a couple of minutes, passing in relative silence besides the quiet music streaming from the radio.

“so what does this… haunted house experience entail?” you glanced over at him, but roger’s eyes were still focused on the road ahead. as to his question, you weren’t quite sure of the answer. from the flyer you had seen at your favorite coffee shop, it declared itself as: ‘a haunting experience located in one of london’s oldest catacombs. what horrors rest within its subterranean walls? it is up to you to survive the hidden tragedies, or become one yourself. open every friday and saturday, 7 to 11, from october 15th to the 31st. enter… if you dare” a little cliche, but you were excited nonetheless.

“it’s somewhere in those old catacombs, i think. i really only know what i saw on the flyer.” you shrugged, adjusting the metal diadem resting in your hair. it was all about the details with you. little swirls in golden thread around the hem, forest green fabric from an old dress you found in the back of your closet. details like how his blond hair shimmered under the streetlights, the way his eyes filled with life as he sang the lyrics to his songs with perfect clarity.

“what’s up love?” you hadn’t realized how long you had been watching him. whoops. wasn’t like anyone could blame you, he really was a vision. you became aware of the goofy grin you were sporting, laying your head on his shoulder from the passenger seat. he gave your forehead a brief kiss before turning back to the road.

“just wondering how lucky i am too have you.” your voice was sickly sweet, but the words were completely genuine. roger snorted, taking a slow right onto the street where the haunted “house” was located.

“laying it on thick. it’s alright love, i’m kind of looking forward to this. like you mentioned, all alone, in the dark…” he whispered, wriggling his eyebrows with the subtlety of a lovesick teenager. you simply laughed, shoving him lightly on the shoulder.

“calm down perv. look, here it is” you sat up quickly, peering over the dashboard to see the handful of other cars arranged around a large arch that led into a low building. roger smoothly backed into a place near the entrance, snug between two volkswagens. his constant car talk has definitely rubbed off on you.

the two of you strolled to the entrance in a comfortable silence, hands clasped tight together, swinging as you walked. waiting wasn’t horrible either. there was a group of uni students in front of the two of you, and they chatted for a while about their worries and struggles while you offered light-hearted advice. one of them recognized roger from an album they owned, and promptly asked for a photograph with the beat up polaroid in their gloved hands.

roger turned sour again once you reached the front of the line. his iron will made it difficult to fork over the £25 per person entrance fee, but he soon surrendered and settled for cursing under his breath as you led him into the dark.

“fifty bloody pounds, love. that’s insane!” he rambled as you walked slowly on, arm now slung across your shoulders. a breeze swept through the tunnel, bringing with it musty air and the smell of fresh paint. the mystery just made your excitement heighten. roger, on the otehr hand, still wasn’t changing his tune, slowly bringing you tighter to his side. his bright blue eyes scanned the dim tunnel back and forth, while his free hand was clenched into a tight fist at his side.

“you alright rog? seem a little… afraid.” you whispered with a sly smile stretching across your lips. you pulled away from him slowly, stepping further back until you were only connected by your fingertips as the journey continued. you began to notice some irregular marks and messages on the walls, which only made you more cheerful.

“i’m just saying, i paid fifty pounds for this haunted house, i better die.” roger muttered gruffly, tugging you back towards him as you continued to step just out of his reach. soon, you let go entirely, and quickened your pace. you could hear roger huff behind you and jog to catch up. you took a quick look back at your boyfriend’s gorgeous face, his eyes alight with a childish gleam. you knew you would get him to enjoy it.

but in that moment your eyes were focused on him, your heeled boots caught on the old cobblestones, and you began to fall forwards. but a warm hand slipped around yours just soon enough to soften your landing, and you dragged roger down with you. he ended up with you under him and your intertwined hands by your head.

“now was that really so…” he began in a cocky tone, seemingly about to playfully reprimand your behaviour, when his voice trailed off and his eyes shifted away from you. your brows furrowed and you turned your head, drawing eye level with a dark puddle you had narrowly missed falling into. the light from a nearby fixture shone on its smooth surface, revealing a reddish tint. roger’s face went white.

“is that red syrup? please tell me it is syrup.” he groaned, reaching under your arms to lift you into a seating position. he dutifully checked your head and face for any abrasions, and aside from a slight scrape on your palms, you were unharmed.

“relax rog, i’m not about to bleed out in an overpriced haunted trail… tunnel… thing.” you brushed off his wandering hands as they checked the back of your head one more time for any injury. the excursion had been disappointing so far, but you were determined to show roger how much fun halloween could be.

“now that you’re done examining me, onward! there is more danger that lies ahead!” you cheered, taking his hand and once more dragging him forwards with minimal protest. roger hurried to keep up with your intense pace as the wandering continued. a few minimal scares passed you by, including a figure in a hospital gown that followed you for a solid ten yards before turning back, a woman leaning against the wall with grotesque wounds covering her body, and a pair of performers dressed as otherworldly guards that reacted to none of the sounds roger would make or the silly dances the two of you did. it was like the two of you had suddenly deaged about ten years, reverting back to teens that held hands tightly as you ran through any adventure together, smiles never fading.

roger actually seemed to be enjoying himself. you could feel the “i told you so” rising up, but there was still a little ways to go until the two of you were home free. the section that the guards were defending was an entrance to a maze, with walls just high enough that you couldn’t peer over. there were two choices in direction presented right at the entrance. right, or left? and you had an idea that would surely give roger a good scare.

“let’s split up.” you said, turning to him with a shit-eating grin. you were taking way too much enjoyment out of watching him be scared. you dropped his hand and stepped backwards into the maze before he could lunge forward and stop you.

“let’s not.” he immediately responded, pulling you back into him with a quick spin. you just pouted with your arms locked around his waist until you felt him tense up again.

“fine. but we wait for each other at the end, yeah?” you smiled brightly, grabbing roger’s face and pulling him down for a long kiss, definitely to the dismay of the performers standing like statues all around you. once you let go, he pressed a quick peck to your nose before his hands left yours and you confidently strolled down the right side of the fork. once you could no longer see the entrance, you heard him enter.

there was no spoken contest between the two of you, but being friends forever made it routine for challenges and races to pop up, this being a perfect opportunity. alas, your machismo didn’t last for more than five minutes before you got sufficiently spooked by a person lurking in the darkness. you couldn’t even register their costume because you hurried past them so fast.

from what you could hear, roger wasn’t so impenetrable either. a chorus of ‘bloody hells’ and ‘bastard’ rang out as he stumbled through his own challenges. this was much more than what you had expected from a presumably low-budget theater show.

by the end of the maze (which wasn’t terribly long; just felt like it), you were definitely scared. your hands were clammy, heart racing, and your arms were clasped tightly across your chest. you were out first, which meant you had to stand and wait for roger to exit the maze, only company being more cobwebs and faux skeletons. just a few minutes after you had gotten out, roger followed suit, coming out muttering a curse and shaking his foot free from some unknown obstacle. you almost fell into his arms and he copied the gesture, lifting you up off your feet.

“jesus christ, love,” he whispered in your ear, “that was much more than what i had bargained for.”

“you think i don’t know that?” you shot back, trying to feign your earlier bravado. but at that point in the night, you were tired, anxious, and just a little bit annoyed that you didn’t get the sweet satisfaction of being unafraid while roger would be losing his mind. the remaining section of the tunnel the two of you were much more subdued. his arm was thrown over your shoulders, yours around his waist, keeping him close, your free hand was locked around his hand dangling from your shoulder.

no words were exchanged during the final stretch, settling for listening to each other’s slightly elevated heart rate and shaky breathing. soon enough, you walked back out of a hidden door about ten yards from the entrance. the whole experience had been highly cheesy but quite unique, and you felt as if it was a night well spent. you were also spent, eyes fighting to keep open on the way to the car.

“that surely was something.” you muttered, slumping down in the passenger seat. your fingers were laced tightly with roger’s across the center console as he went about preparing to leave.

“you could say that again.” he replied, sticking his key into the ignition. he took a few long breaths, bringing your intertwined hands up to press a kiss to the back of yours. his thumb lazily traced small circles on the back of your hand as the engine roared to life. you reluctantly released his hand so he could put the car in gear and slowly pull out into the line of people clambering to leave the makeshift car park.

“wanna go find a chippy?” you said, voice barely audible over the rumble of the engine. roger turned to you, a shining grin lighting up his soft features. that was the moment your heart absolutely melted. that gorgeous smile was all for you, appealing to some greedy, selfish part of your heart. his love was all yours. and yours was his.

“you’ve read my mind, love.” roger chirped, pulling out of the car park and onto the open road.

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yeehaw I wrote something i’m pretty proud of! thanks for reading loves!

and happy halloween! thanks to patricia for hosting this challenge! super duper fun! and congrats on 5k!!

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saltine-kakyoin · 5 years

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🎶 and jotaro and also kakyoin AND another character..whoever u want ;)

oho… you’ve sent me another message? you know what comes next bro, u brought this upon yourself….this is us now man

anyhow, AH. thos boys…god this one is gonna be so difficult because I have So Many Songs that are tied to them. as for the other character, i think i will do my boy sergio because i really need to share my brainstorming songs for him before i explode! :0 thank you again for sending these in, bro!! have a good night, ily! c:

this will be long bc i always ramble..i will be tagging this as long post for mobile gang!

Jotaro:

thom- i hate to start this off with a jotakak-themed song because i know some people Despise jk. i’m sorry for y’all who do, but ahh this song has been stuck in my head for days now! :’( In terms of the SDA, i always think of this song as like…jotaro’s bittersweet journey w his feelings for kak. it’s something about the like, ghostly windchimes in the beginning, the phone buzzing in the bg, and the “please don’t run away”s man, ahhh. I listen to this song a lot when brainstorming him coming to accept that friendship is as far as he and kak go. However,“ The pitter patter gave a rather rinse and lather feeling/ As opposed to shitty attitudes that made me bitter after laughter/ And I dearly regretted it” really makes me think of pt. 4 jotaro in any context. We only see the end result of his development from SDC, but like hhh… do you think he regrets being so gruff? I think of that 1 fanart where he’s looking at the group picture + hoping they knew he wasn’t annoyed by them (or something along those lines, i forget the exact line…ahh)

something’s missing- So, ofc not all parts of this song apply.. and truthfully, I listen to this song while thinking of the immediate period after the crusade in the SDA and how the crusaders are all left with this hole in them (..@kakyoin literally.. i’m sorry i had to. also, abdul is the hole). Out of all of them, though, I always think of Jotaro the most w this song- “My dad asks, ‘Were you okay out where you were stranded?’ How do I tell him that I wasn’t just okay… I was so much better?” LIKE DAMN THAT IS ONE (1) KUJO JOTARO… :( i think he comes back from the crusade and just feels.. severely misplaced. Going back to Japan and the girls following him to school every morning feels so alien to him.

tempest rhapsody- this song is just… *chef kiss* It makes me think of like. star platinum’s first manifestation, and of the emotions one would feel during a 50-day crusade to a place you’ve never been before, where you run the risk of death at least once a week…how would it feel to know if you got seriously injured in a fight, there would be a very real possibility that your *cough* dearly beloved *cough* mother could die? this song is my answer to that question

only in sleep- another choir song! i cannot help myself. This one is more for canon Jotaro. I’ve read a few fics about the universe reset where he’s reunited with the other crusaders one last time before everything becomes nil, and…..augh. “The years had not sharpened their smooth round faces, I met their eyes and found them mild — Do they, too, dream of me, I wonder, And for them am I too a child?“ is imo such a jotaro 4 am deliberation

softly- THIS. this was the Original jotakak song, no offense thom. i used to listen to this song on REPEAT while reading nessun dorma, ahhh. so much of the sda jotakak dynamic is shaped from that fic and this song, hghshg. Anyhow, now that I’ve worked on the development of their relationship in the sda, this song is most definitely a song for the jotaro who unknowingly pines in 3rd year and then comes to realize that ah…these are Emotions during uni. during their third year, jotaro and kakyoin do a ton of self-exploration, and spend more than one night floating in the pitch black void of the ocean talking about what they’re going to do after graduation with only the stars to accompany them. they lose this when jotaro goes to florida for uni + kakyoin paris, but they make up for it by calling each other all the time, so “Touch you softly I call you up late at night” made this song an instant hit in my book ghshghw. I adore this song, through and through. ;u;

post-published honorable mention bc i rediscovered him while i was workin on polnareff’s playlist!! DOLLY ZOOM is another really good song for pining jotaro. in the sda, he feels really Horrible about having a crush on kakyoin for a long time because he and his family (that is phrased weird, i am sorry) are the entire reason kakyoin got a hole punched right through his abdomen and spine. they’re the entire reason kakyoin spent months learning how to walk and use his legs again. he doesn’t do anything except bury his feelings because, to him, it’d be Really selfish to do otherwise. i listened to dolly zoom nonstop when i started writing Jotaro’s Decade-Long Yearn because it captures the guilt really well, ahh.

Kakyoin (it is 1:24 am as i’m starting this… let’s see how long i agonize over this part lmao)

ultraviolence- ahh, ze Mindworm Song. I really despise diokak and the fact that he had to spend like…3-4 months with the mindworm just chilling in his brain, but I can’t ignore the fact that he latched onto dio’s friendship and was initially elated to have that whole thing happen. It haunts Kakyoin in canon, and it Most Definitely haunts him in the SDA, and i think he and jotaro have a lot of conversations about how and why and what that whole experience was like. I always end up coming back to this song when brainstorming this year in the au. The beginning just sounds so lonely, and the background choir/ voices really give me the heebie jeebies. Then, there’s the build-up to the beat drop, which really make me think of like. what being mindwormed could feel like? And how it must feel to be so lost in that sauce that you become a passenger in your own mind, lost to the whim of one super manipulative vampire, augh. “You give me love, you know you give me love with your ultraviolet rays” ties into a few of FKA Twigs’ other songs where she sings about not being enough and really obsessively deriving love from someone whose attention is ultimately really harmful and unhealthy, and I think about that and Kakyoin a lot. :(

sound and color- so truthfully, this is my go-to song for any character that dies/almost dies and comes back, or goes through a Huge Life Change. kakyoin fits both of these bills to a T! this song makes me think of getting used to being around such a rowdy but tight-knit group of people who genuinely care about you All Day Long after spending your entire life in isolation. I always think of like, a happiness montage when the second half of this song comes around, and the montage i daydream about for kak during that section is *chef kiss* Sound + Color is like one of the best songs ever, and it’d be a crime to not have a kak setting for it.

first love/late spring- fellas, here’s the kakyoin equivalent to jotaro’s softly. this song was IT, back when the sergio-divergent au and the “All the Crusaders Live” au were two separate things. back then, kakyoin and jotaro’s realization that oh, fuck, they really meant the entire world to each other happened much earlier in the plot. Looking back on that now makes me squint, but I do think that this song is still really fitting for kakyoin exploring those feelings- friendship is one thing, but romance is something entirely different and a lot more intimate. i think it’s a tug-of-war for him, between wanting to jump in to those feelings and wanting to run far far away from them because he doesn’t want to be wrong and ruin their friendship. good times in the kak hole

last words of a shooting star- I really love the bastard fucker side of kakyoin that is explored and celebrated in our fanon, but I can never shake the fact that some of his last thoughts were of his parents (and i think he was sorry for making them worry? which… baby…) and that his polite, “outwardly anxious” presentation was this big facade for like.. the Deep and Soul-Wrenching loneliness he felt because he was a stand user? The first stanza and “They’ll never know how I’d stared at the dark in that room/ With no thoughts” make me think of kakyoin deeply- if his family had never gone to egypt and he’d never met dio or jotaro, what would have happened to him? Who would he be? i’ve always been super attached to that part of kak bc fundamentally… I Relate. but also i am just fond of it because it makes me sob- he deserved so much better than to get murdered by the same man who manipulated his entire identity right at the climax of his character arc….some crimes can never be forgiven, hirohiko….

vertigo- i don’t listen to this song for kak often, but it is a Quintessential Kakyoin song. according to khalid’s twitter, vertigo is a song about “Overcoming overthinking. After every dark days, there’s a brighter outcome. Being at a super low place in your life and realizing that, there’s other people going through that same path you’re walking down. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. It’s also a story about fear of abandonment.” which….Big Kakyoin Energies. The “Are we alive?Or are we dreaming?” part also ties back into the Kakyoin Parties in a Coma for a Month arc- your mind has a wild wild time when you’re in a medically induced coma, theoretically because it’s trying to fill in the blanks for all of the stuff you’re sensing? And coming out of a medically induced coma is a bizarre experience, where it’s hard to tell if you’re still in the coma and just imagining things or if you’re actually awake. Kakyoin has a mad time in the month immediately after SDC, one that i’m sure he doesn’t enjoy too much after the death 13 fight.

honorable mention goes to i am not yours- this has been a kak song to me for a long time as well. the context of the song is way different from my interpretation for this setting, but AH. I just think kakyoin really struggles to differentiate and understand romantic feelings. This song really reminds me of that struggle, and I think also touches nicely on like. the identity issue of it all too.. “yet i am i, who long to be” yanno? ; J ; it’s hard for me to explain

another honorable mention, my statue sinking. in the sda, after the events in egpyt, kakyoin is thrown into a coma for like an entire month while his body gets operated back together, and then he spends months in physical therapy learning how to walk w a prosthetic spine (kudos to cyborg speedwagon being a reverse engineering madman :D). i like to imagine that there’s also some degree of therapy going on this whole time, also. you don’t just get donuted + thrown into a coma for a month without some counseling to get you back on your feet..i think the lasting effects of dio’s influence are addressed here, but only briefly because it’s not something kakyoin is eager to explore. however, I think that this song captures the like... distress? i guess? of knowing that your life has been irreparably thrown off course because of dio. like yes, you met some really wonderful people that helped you learn how deeply healing friendship could be! but also.. you lost months of your life to mind control, and then another month to a coma, and then additional months to training your body to function again....there’s some psychological stress there. While I think that Jotaro and Polnareff are affected the most by the crusade, I think they all emerge from it with some degree of ptsd. Being targeted by complete strangers at all times of day cannot be good for your mental health, you know? Anyhow, I think My Statue Sinking captures that aftermath feeling really well. Everyone survives and recovers from the crusade, but there’s a part in all of them that is lost to Egypt.

on to sergio!! (it is now 2:04 am lmaooooooo) sergio will be easy because I only ever listen to the same handful of songs when I’m writing him hdhgh

i will come to you- this is THE sergio song. i think of this song every time i write about him, whether it’s the “believe in me…” “also believe in me” lyric exchange that i imagine he has with both tomoko and holly; the “and i will pray to my father…my father…and he will abide” part being about him reaching out to joseph with his final breaths and spilling all of the beans about dio and begging him to finish things so that Tomoko and Josuke, the Kujos, and he and Suzi can be safe; the “foreeever……foreee-eever.. forever..” part being where he dies and his soul passes into the next realm.. “even the spirit of truth [golden prophet] whom the world [..yeah..] cannot receive, because it seeth him not [bc suad defects and buries sergio instead of bringing his dead body to dio]. Neither knoweth him, but you know him…for he dwelleth in you and he shall be in you [literally the entire joestar/kujo/higashikata family being so near and dear to him + his spirit being with them even after death]” and then, like.. george i, jonathan, and george ii coming to retrieve his soul during the “heeeee shallll beee in youuu” part… “i will not leave you comfortless. i Will Not leave.. You Comfortless… iiii wiiiill come…. to you.. to You” part being about his soul mingling within star platinum and crazy diamond because he has a Need, even in death, to protect them. UGH (also his essence being especially prevalent in crazy diamond, which is partially why its power is to repair things!! bc hamon! ; O ;) literally I have an Entire music video with sergio’s death set to this music. i’ve listened to it way too many times.

when david heard- so to be frank this is actually more of a joseph song, but it’s only a joseph song when sergio exists + gets murdered. :o i cried the first time i listened to this, and then months later i listened to it while thinking of sergio + like. sobbed fr fr. Joseph is asleep when Sergio calls him, so he gets sergio’s final message as a voicemail on his answering machine hours after the fact. the message itself is chilling because Joseph had no clue his son had gone on this huge mission by himself to kill Dio, and now he’s dead! however, it’s made even worse because Joseph wasn’t there to pick the call up and comfort his son in his dying breaths or do Anything. it’s just like Caesar, which is. god awful. it’s such a horrible realization because sergio, whom joseph named after what caesar wanted to name his own son, has been condemned to the same fate as his namesake. Thus this song- i’ve yet to come across a song that captures the feeling of hearing that kind of news so well. (also when i tag things as my sOOOOON or *cries my son in 8-part harmony a la whitacre*, this is the song i’m referencing :D)

zombies / terrified- ahhh, these songs capture the HORROR sergio feels upon sensing dio’s presence in Japan really well. (also “I’m going to eat you alive/please don’t find me rude, but i don’t eat fast food/ so don’t run too fast” is SUCH a dio mood…) Sergio maintains his composure about the Dio Dilemma for a good year before he flies off the handle, and his entire proto-crusade against the vampire is just. Laced with paranoia, even if he is learning a ton of useful skills. These two songs capture that feeling of something constantly watching/creeping up on you so well, and ever since i discovered them, I’ve listened to them for Sergio inspo.

the prophet- This is the only song I’ve done so far that the characters would actually listen to lmao. Sergio is a Huge fan of The Temptations, and his stand is actually named after this song! (+ the esoteric title for the hermit, which was really amazing luck on my end ; J ;) it also had a huge hand in figuring out what his stand power would be, the lyric that decided it was “God doesn’t listen to the words you pray; he hears what your heart has got to say.” However, the entire last stanza of the song ties really well into his character arc fhshgh. Also, this song just feels like it could Be the child of Bloody Stream, if that makes any sense. it’s so groovy and funky, but the lyrics are like big ominous lmao. I was super ecstatic to find this song- if sergio were to ever get an animation, this song would be the OP, yanno?

armageddon- This is another “this song would be on their personal playlist” song. Sergio’s got a lot of love for all styles of music in his heart, but jazz is his home base and always what he comes back to. I like to imagine that Lisa Lisa’s husband introduces Sergio to Wayne Shorter’s music at the age of like 8 or 9, and Sergio’s just. obsessed with the man’s music for the rest of his life. I really love Shorter’s explanation for the meaning of this song and its album as a whole: “What I’m trying to express here is a sense of judgment approaching - judgment for everything alive from the smallest ant to man. I know that the accepted meaning of ‘Armageddon’ is the last battle between good and evil - whatever it is. But my definition of the judgment to come is a period of total enlightenment in which we will discover what we are and why we’re here.” Like… wig.. I feel like that’s such big sergio energy. Armageddon itself also feels like a really nice ED- it’s lively, but in a good episode-ending kind of way. Do i dream of animating Sergio’s adventure one day? Mayhaps.

honorable mention goes to just my imagination/ my girl- We’ve covered that Sergio adores The Temptations, so it’s no secret that he would listen to these songs ceaselessly. however, i really like the broadway harmonies + instrumentals that they did for Ain’t Too Proud, so that’s what’s goin in here. these songs are THE tomoko/sergio songs…He loves Tomoko and the way she quips + teases + gets up to nonsense with him So Much. There’s a huge part of him that has No Idea what Tomoko sees in a music geek like him, but ughh he is so grateful that she likes him because she is a Goddess. he’s blessed yo..

#long post #i went into a deep meditative state typing this... i don't even remember typing some of this ghdhs #it is 3 am and i am BOPPING to the temptations tho so it's all good #this ask meme is so fun.. litch rally anything w music is bound to be a Good TIme #thank you for asking again!! <3 #fullmetal-the-last-alchemist

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justalittlemango · 4 years

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Putting things into perspective.

So.. obviously.. this feels like the worst I’ve felt in a long time or maybe ever. Or, I’m just dissociating like crazy and things feel really wack, but maybe I’ve been through wacker things? I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of this post to put my thoughts into perspective and compare to past experiences. And with some hope it may make me feel a little more positive about what’s going on right now..

Well, I guess the present moment. Why do I feel wack? I mean, I feel lonely. Even though I’m not, I’m friends with and speaking to quite a few people. Probably the most I’ve ever actually spoken to at any point in my life. So not lonely in terms of friendships, I guess it’s the “love” type of loneliness. Because my boyfriend has gone. I don’t know where. He’s been gone for a while. And it’s affecting me like crazy. Most of this stress and anxiety is being triggered by the thought of him. It all happened quite quickly, a couple months ago he was so clingy and sweet and I’d be the same back. A month after, that all changed completely. It was like the boy I fell in love with had gone. I do blame the meds, but I also blame his lack of accountability. And unfortunately, there were a couple of fallouts, both of us ending up getting hurt. I apologised but got nothing. Nothing at all. Just...ghosted. He came back temporarily for a day or so, but left again. It’s quite wack when someone you felt a new level of love for just disappears.

So yeah.. that’s rough. I’m constantly thinking what he could be doing, how he feels about me and all that. Constantly those thoughts dominate my mind. To the point where it’s disrupted my sleep majorly. I keep stressing in my sleep. Insomnia became a nightly occurrence until I was able to retake control of it more recently. However I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, having distressing dreams, sleep paralysis and all that.. I’m going to assume that’s due to all the stress I’m experiencing. My body doesn’t feel too great either so it’s kind of triggering my health anxiety.

This may also be a part of my seasonal depression because I fucking hate the winter and early dark nights. Feels so depressing. I feel quite isolated. So yes, all those issues in one combination isn’t too great. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a house key here so I can’t really go out early in the day. So I’m stuck inside until it’s night. Oh well, not much I can do anyway.. it is a national lockdown again.. and this lockdown has been the roughest one yet. 10x worse than the one last year. Everything seems so bleak on that front but seems like there may be light at the end of the tunnel soon... I hope.

I think there are some similarities with major negative events I’ve had in the past, such as my first love, when I went to uni in 2016 and whatnot. I mean, the predominant feeling here is loneliness, overthinking and stress. Loneliness always has made me feel ultra shitty in comparison to other things. I hate that I feel lonely since I have so many people to speak to, a lot of friends now.. but it still feels lonely.

So. What’s positive right now? Well.. positive news is that this pandemic seems to be coming to an end (at least here) in a few months. I hope. Positive is that my parents are alive and healthy. I’m currently with my parents right now and I don’t have to worry about money, I don’t have to worry about going grocery shopping or anything like that. I myself, I think, am physically healthy too. My health anxiety tells me otherwise, but I’m trying to just believe it when I feel it yknow? I have friends too that are supporting me. I have a lot of stuff that I would’ve only dreamt of as a kid.. like.. all this technology and a big TV, the only important things to me when I was younger lol.

Money is usually a big stress causer for me, but now I am financially stable and should be good for a while as long as I don’t spend like an idiot. So there’s no need to stress over that at least.

So if I compare this moment to times in the past, maybe I can start being more happy and grateful for what I got right now.

Lets rewind to when I was working as a baker. Having to take a 30 minute train and then a 15 minute bus to the supermarket I worked at. Working those horrid weekend shifts. Having to pick up other people’s pieces because they wouldn’t work as hard as I did. I didn’t like the job mostly because colleagues were lazy and the distance I worked. In all fairness, I hated living in that town. There was nothing to do. It felt trashy and grimey. I hated living there when I decided to move there. I was in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was really working out, but held on anyway. It never did get better really. So.. things in reality weren’t better. It felt nice to get a paycheck. But I remember the stress of public transport, the mixed shifts, not knowing what I’m coming into.. et cetera. So things weren’t as good back then.

Fast forward to summer 2018. I mean, I won’t bother here, summer 2018 was one of the most fun time periods I had. Even winter 2018 was fun despite getting robbed. But it was fun going to Coventry a lot, all the bars/gay clubs around there. Going to Pride. Winning free tickets to Comic Con. Integrating with the Splat community on Twitter, feeling so welcomed and happy. It was the best I had felt for a long time.

Summer 2019. Things got dull! Surprise surprise. Health anxiety was still a new concept to me, so when I did have panic attacks, I would go to A&E. I remember those experiences and how awful it felt, especially just being told it was anxiety. That was a frequent worry for me back then. Another worry was my depression. I felt stuck. Still hated living in that town. Nothing to do. Bored. Working long hours. Not too great pay. Having to cover my colleague and doing that wack warehouse job. Having to deal with annoying customers. The stress of all that would be so bad. I remember being sad because I didn’t have enough time in the day to do my hobbies. Arguing with my ex-bf over who’s doing the dishes and cooking etc. I felt like a zombie in that job. Only thing keeping my head up high was my upcoming trip to Canada, quitting my job, moving out and starting university. I didn’t even really have friends at all back then.. I had my one friend, Drop. I didn’t have anybody else necessarily... imagine that now.. though that has happened at points in 2020 too. So yeah, summer 2019 was arguably worse. Mostly with the situation I was in. Dead end job. Stressed. No time. Hated that town. Lonely.

A bit further back.. September 2016 to Early 2017. This was shit. I hated uni. I didn’t get on with my flatmates. My anxiety held me back so much. I felt like such a mess. I was drinking almost everyday to cope. I blew so much of my money. I didn’t go to any lectures. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t attending. Not making friends either. Just in my room doing jack shit. Relationship didn’t feel great either. So I dropped out a couple months later, found a rather unpleasant message said about me in a group chat, and uh yeah, that made me feel wack XD though.. I can’t blame them, I was isolating myself for legit no reason. I also received lovely news that I had a debt needing to be paid off since I dropped out, and it was one I had to pay instantly. I had no choice but to sign on at the job centre and claim jobseeking welfare. It didn’t go well. I slept over some appointments and got penalised. I then left the jobcentre and extended my overdraft to help cover time for my debts. I then went to a different jobcentre. Took me a couple months but then I got my baker job. I just need to remember how horrible that was. I felt like such a mess. A no-hoper. I was partying and going out with my welfare money and a bit of my ex’s money lol (with him of course!) so yeah. That was an extemely difficult situation to escape. It felt impossible to find a job that wanted me. I was grateful for the job I got. Until it got shitty.

And now... fast forward to 2020. The last time I was at my parents house was summer 2020. It felt really strange coming back here for Christmas with all that happened over the summer. I broke up with my ex-bf. It felt like a relief weirdly. I fell in love with a lad that I felt so heavily for. It went well until we would fall out. He and I did break up around July 2020, and then I met somebody who comforted me and made me feel good. But that didn’t last, since I didn’t “love” him and he did for me. So I ended that around Sept 2020. And then, when I started uni for a couple months, that was also one of the worst times I had. I felt lonely. Lost a lot of the friends I made this year (almost all.) My ex-bf was bringing his lad over and having fun and that made me feel weird. Dealing with being single was stressful. I was drinking to cope once again. And yeahhhh...

How I feel right now is similar to Sept 2020 feels when I started uni. Just stressed. Overthinking. Lonely. Wanting to drink a lot. But I won’t let myself abuse alcohol like that. I think I’m coping well for how shitty I feel.. I mean not all the time I feel like this.. but a lot of days I do. But.. at least I am getting on with my work. I am attempting to do my workouts and my Spanish stuff, as well as my portfolio stuff too. Also keeping up contact with a lot of friends. Pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Not being scared to VC friends anymore. I have come quite a long way.

I just need to fix my sleep. And to do that, I need to stop thinking about him. My brain is just so confused about him. One time I will love and miss him, other time I won’t care and want to meet other people. And I’m not really sure how to maintain a dominant side, if that makes sense? The side I would like to stick to is just thinking he’s a time-waster, he’s ghosting me to try and remain distant and that I should just move on... I try my hardest to keep that in my head, but despite all that, whenever I see old messages or pictures, my soft sensitive side comes out again. I really don’t know how to tackle it. THe thing is, I need to tackle it otherwise I will continue to be stressed and not be able to sleep like a normal human again (and god knows I was a normal human before... smh)

I want to retain my view that he’s no good for me, that I deserve better etc.. but it’s like, the meds messed him up.. but why wasn’t he open about it with me? Why did he get so distant from him.. why did he react so bad to my concerns.. why can’t he communicate with me? And now why is he ghosting me rather than sorting it out? Does he want it sorting? Is he wanting to move on? So many questions and unfortunately I just don’t know. Maybe I need to just put my foot down here.

Easier said than done, but if I put my foot down and keep telling myself I deserve better. Listen to what Drop says, I do deserve better and that he is not well, and that the boy I fell in love with is no longer around. He’s gone. Instead, there is a dark shadow of his former self that is ghosting me. I gotta keep reminding myself that there will be better people out there for me. People who won’t treat me like this. And that, as much as I feel bad that the meds did this to him, I can’t respect how he treated me. He’s made me feel all this shit. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care to reply to me. He made a rude remark about my anxiety in a public forum. He’s manipulative. Think about it.. he’s there, he could easily message me, it takes 5 seconds, but it’s CLEAR as ICE that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care to do it. And that should be enough for me to put my foot down and remember that he is no sweetheart. He’s not the Dylan I fell in love with, period.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I can do it. I just need to remind myself that I deserve better. It’s not normal to be treated like this, and that honestly it’s a good thing this all happened before him and I met. On the plus side, I could do something with that £250 I was saving to go see him.. I gotta stop being sensitive. I am way better than this. I gotta remember what my mom said too. Mom always knows better. I was a fighter with all the problems I had when I was younger. I shouldn’t let this present shit bring me down. I’m way better than this!

I’m too good for that kind of treatment. I know my worth. I know my values. And now I know his. And yet here I am losing fucking sleep and stressing over him! Imagine!! Well, I want February to be different. Jan was shit. Feb I hope to be better. I will not think about him as much. I just got to remember that he has disrespected me and treated me like trash. I am no longer going to feel bad. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. I don’t care if this sounds harsh, this is truly coming from the heart. I know for a fact I didn’t deserve the backlash I got from him. Yeah.. maybe I’ll try that. I should try to avoid the habits I tend to do.. like checking his Discord... or his twitter.. or his Switch activity and that. Avoid looking at my twitter cover also. I wish at this point I could just remove him from my bio and cover but I don’t want to fully break.. or do I? I mean.. how can I hold a relationship with someone who acts like this? So yeah. I need to treat this like a breakup.. an official breakup. And that he and I broke up a month or so ago when he decided to ditch me. I shouldn’t feel bad.

And remember the positives: my parents are alive and healthy, I’m with them right now! And that I don’t have to worry about money. No money problems! Not having to worry about groceries either. All I gotta do is my uni work. Pace myself. And I can try find time to do my workouts and Spanish at some point soon. We gonna have a good time Kurt.

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sufjournal · 4 years

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Draft: The one that got away

Journal - yet to be characterised and storied for anonymity I have rewritten this a few times - there’s so many thoughts/feelings i’d like to get on paper but this is the pragmatic summary that i’ve settled for. After an accidental but memorable hook up several weeks ago, I kept in touch with this person I barely knew. I’d found myself in a daily dialogue with someone with whom I had no interest in befriending beyond a certain level (another story for this blog). I am still managing my depression and have carefully chosen the small circle of friends who I give my very limited time, energy and love. After the hook up I was being my usual nice person but this girl was very eager to actually get to know me and the more I casually revealed about myself, the more I could sense she was growing a liking. It was at this point I was reminded that I have a real value proposition - i’m a conscious, kind and smart guy who’s wired to seek growth in life. I have aspirations, am cultured and look after my family. All my friends tell me i’m an absolute charm and i’ve had no difficulty in initially impressing someone - my struggle was always in finding a person that could nurture me in return. I have since radically distanced from this person and I realised that empty sex is far the last thing I want to be doing.. I need to find my heart and soul a home which I can settle into and leverage for my recovery. I needed to get back out there and I finally did it - I signed up to a few dating apps. I had a friend help me pick out the best pics of me (I had a different set in mind) and the app remembered my profile description from ~14 months back, just needed a few tweaks and I was good to go. First day I got talking to a few girls but I instantly realised that I am not the person that i’m trying to sell, my mound is wound with anxieties and my exhaustion for everything in life, onset by the depression, has dwindled my value proposition to barely anything that it was. I am no longer that gym rat who tutored on weekends and worked on cars, cooked meals for home, went on long hikes - i’d even dropped the yoga. I matched a a variety of girls all of whom had a unique appeal to, the prospect of getting to know them and filtering them through my lenses of compatibility (personal/family/culture) There was this one girl though - who brought a different energy with her and really caught my attention that night. I recognised this energy, it was pure and authentic. Instantly I thought that this is a very sweet girl that I have no business entertaining - she was clearly on her own journey, falling in love with herself and the life she’s been blessed with. We spoke for a few hours; we recognised one anothers energy, humour and vibes. She was the awesome badass woman for me, we were building a promising proposition of love, laughter and cuddles. It was the kiss of life, to the depleted heart I carried with me. By the second day I told myself to slow it down, despite not having felt like this in such a magnitude before, I realised that I needed to present the real me, my family and the point of life i’m at. What I didn’t ever think in a million years was how openly she’d accept it all and was ready to stand by my side as we built something special together with nuclear synergy. The love was contagious.. she’d tell me about her aspirations of opening her own pre-school, how she reads her ‘laila’ when she’s sad (she said it the way my mum does, this was so powerful), she paid for her mum’s umrah (instantly made me think of how I failed to pay for my parents’ Hajj the prior year - I realised this was my second opportunity - to one day take her and her mum to Hajj) and I couldn’t stop playing back the vision of her ideal dream with me - brunch/afternoon tea with a nice walk and a cosied up intimate conversation. She had such a love for family, something I do too deep down but she manifested it in a way that i’ve never seen before. Her motivation to love her family was intoxicating and it really got me thinking about all the ways i’d like to retry connecting with my family. She was the girl i’d want to pray with one my wedding night - I’ve loved and hurt many times before and I knew this was different/special/worth holding onto. Whilst this all sounds like a fairy tale, what I cannot articulate is that despite not being a Dr or not being into gym didn’t cross my mind. it was the purity and genuineness of this girl that made me realise that love, chemistry and vibe is what the soul needs, not some crazy competence or intelligence. We joked, loved and connected. Her smile radiated in her snaps, her happiness was infectious and her eyes showed the strength of her soul. It was clear it was an aged soul, one that came out victorious against the battle of life and she had chosen love. She is going to be the mother of some loved and cherished hearts and I could have been the one to educate those kids about the world. It would have been perfect ! I realised that whilst we would be perfect and happy together. I know I have the capacity to love someone purely, i’ve done it before on countless occasions - i’ve touched souls and changed whole life trajectories but i’ve rarely ever had any positive experience for myself. I have one bruised egg left and it can only go in one basket - I told myself to be careful putting it in this one as it was still extremely early on but I had this puppy love excitement that you don’t want to shake off. Day 3 we realised a huge conflict of interest - a childhood best-friend that i’d dated before (will be journaled here in due time). A young and innocent relationship - between 17 - 19, it lasted about a year an a few months before I broke it off. We got back together once 6m later but didn’t last long at all. It was a sufficient relationship to call it young love, we traveled London together, I told her about my aspirations for life and the journey I’m on, we went to reading festival, enjoyed long road trips and just overall good vibes. She however wasn’t the one for me and I knew that, we came from different backgrounds and I knew that once she’d moved away to uni, it would bring our relationship to an organic end. What’s tragic is that she is the worst personality to be on the receiving end of news that her sister in law’s younger sister has fallen in love with her high school bf. Notorious for connivery and capacity to be cruel, it was obvious that if this beautiful relationship were to naturally blossom and thrive, it wouldn’t be long before the ex we do not ever speak of - caught wind and would probably make it her life mission to jinx and bewitch the most evilest of eyes over us and the family. This really broke my heart - that relationship was an isolated instance of teenage memories since which i’ve evolved 3 times over. I would like to genuinely hope that it was the same the other way around but I really don’t know and I don’t think I want to put my love through a lifetime of potential torture. I really don’t know if a royal pardon would even suffice. We realised this on the evening of day 3 and it cut me to shreds. We agreed we wouldn’t let it dampen the vibes, I then made one of the biggest mistake i’d ever made, there was so much momentum to my falling that by the next morning I was thinking of ways i’d tell my mum and all the ways I could support this girl on a lifelong journey of companionship and happiness. I was sending cute texts at 5am when I woke up and knew that there was someone out there who was making me whole again, giving me another fresh go at life. I should have kept my mind shut but the excitement and distraction from the depression was intoxicating. This was day 4 - it was the fell for and lost one of the most beautiful women i’ve ever come across. Day 4 ended with a horrible heartbreak when we both realised that it was genuinely too problematic to pursue this, twin tracked with the depression that was looming over me during this holiday break, it brought me to my knees. I cried, I hurt and I mourned the loss of something special. This felt like the biggest break/hope in 2 years of my gradual decline but its turned out to be the thousandth cut. it hit me hard and I hurt a lot - what’s worse was that the next day was a tough day for her and her family and I really wanted to be there for her. I was excited to show my first gesture of love by supporting her through this day. Day 5 instead consisted of me waking in the morning, missing her dearly, wishing she were with me. I was fighting off the sharpest pain in my heart and naval. It was the pain of heartbreak. Realised that I desperately needed picking up before I started work (day 7) - I sought to busy myself with a productive day and grief this loss in whatever way came naturally. I cleaned, cooked, did some DIY repairs, yoga, worked out and re-organised my room. I then sat down with a book, prayed and now i’m here writing this journal. Throughout the day, I couldn’t help replaying the same things in my mind - why did I fall for her so hard, why am I in such heartbreak, why have I gone to the lengths to write this and is there any light at the end of this tunnel. I know for a fact that if she wanted to still try pursue something, I would vow that this is the basket I put my last egg in and should it break, I will be there to take responsibility, protect and support her and make sure that the glass always remains half full. Realistically we may never get back together - i’m not worth the detriment of her sister and I accept that. I would be willing to do anything I could do liaise with concerned stakeholder sand resolve an amicable agreement/blessing for us to be happy together without something coming back to haunt us. Reflecting on my history with the person in question hugely throws this into doubt especially if she can’t handle the fact that i’ve found love elsewhere. This heartbreak is so real that this journal simply does not do it justice. Instead I hope that this journal will allow me to make peace with the one that got away - despite not having memories - we had vibes and feelings and so this emotional rollercoaster had a high that I never want to forget.

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pryddglwyf · 7 years

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Finally seeing the sun

After what has seemed like the worst year of my life, my dad left in early December, merely the beginning of a horrible year of dealing with grief, my brother being suicidal after ending his 10 year relationship, and my mum’s emotional/ financial decline with my dad going AWOL and her not being fit to work. I dealt with issues regarding my uni course, struggling with deadlines, hating my course and feeling stuck doing something I hate, being exhausted after a week of uni only to go home late on the train Friday nights to go home to a mother who is unstable and isn’t looking after herself and feeling disappointed in having to be the “carer” on the weekend, as well as working the whole weekend, only to walk home in the rain with grocery bags I’ve bought with the money I made that weekend, on £5.30 an hour. I’d go back to uni feeling more drained than the week before and with actually less money, having to buy food and heating for my mum. In January I starting talking to someone who, little did I know back then would change everything. I was an emotional mess, exhausted with life, and felt like I’d never be able to enjoy my life again. But @siggysaurus was the one to turn that around. We, in a way both helped eachother through what was one of the worst years of our lives, we’ve come out stronger, changed, and more in love with life than ever before. I’m seeing a whole new insight to the world, I see the sun and smile, when I used to hate the sun, I was jealous because it shone so brightly and was big and happy and warm, I wanted to be that. I am now, I feel like I can finally get over what has been done to me in the past. I still haven’t opened that door, but I was able to walk through the walls with my soulmate alongside me. I didn’t need to dredge out the past, she accepted me for who I am today, not what I was, or what I did or what has been done to me. She loves me, here, as I am. I have never had someone be the light to my tunnel, I have never had someone give me a new outlook on life or someone who was able to drag me out of despair. I only had myself, pulling myself back into the dark. She was the one who waited for me when no one else could, loved me for my bad sides, when no one else would. I love this girl with all my heart and I mean it when I say I would give my whole being to her. Amy I know you’re gonna read this because you get notifications and I just want to say, although it’s been a long journey getting to the place we are now, it isn’t the end of our love story, it has only just begun and I’m so excited to write the rest of it with you. ❤️ I love you Amy Elizabeth Bell.

#I love you so much #spilled words #our story so far #there's way more to it #but this is just a brief overview #lgbt #ldr

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sturlsons · 7 years

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do you have any content that you regularly keep up with? like fics/comics/shows/blogs? i want to start consuming more content and be more knowledgeable/wellread in general but i don't really know where to start :(

i saw this ask like an hour ago and promptly got distracted catching up on my youtube subscriptions so thank u for the reminder but apologies for the delay,,

LONG reply coming up, discussions of depression.

(if u’d rather skip my sob story just scroll down to the picture of the upset dude with the cigarette)

before i get to your specific question, just a little something, because you’ve unknowingly shed light on one of my B I G G E S T struggles: i’m actually real shit at consuming content myself. i have a horrible concentration span and focus issues in general, and i tend to have tunnel vision for academia and hence spend nine months of the year memorising vocab blindly and watching like three episodes of anime. i regularly try to get myself out of this habit but It’s Hard™, so instead i try to make academic choices which will automatically bring new content to the table. choosing essay topics that i’m not familiar with, using the mandatory individual reading requirements to check out books i’ve been meaning to read, trying to do more than the required reading while i’m at it, etc etc. i also try to make lists of things to watch/read every summer, but usually end up being distracted with my writing projects.

however, kinda good AND bad news. i only started getting stuck re: content consumption after moving to france and starting uni. in india my consumption was OFF THE CHARTS. eating through books and shows, doing research about all sorts of things, you name it. the good aspect of this is that as a child/teenager i already took in a way-above-average amount of information that still keeps me Smart and Cool™ in conversations to this day, but the bad aspect is that most of this was a form of escapism, a way to feed my insomnia back in the day, and then a horrible tangle with my depression which all ended in a huge mess. result: i was a pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, but i was a manically depressed pretentious fuckwit with an enormous amount of trivia in my head, and what’s more-- the most hilarious-- i was actually terrified of moving out of my comfort zone in certain aspects. i used to read new things all the time, sure, watch new shows. but i’d also watch the same shows over and over until i memorised them, read the same books and poems out loud to myself, write the same kinds of fics, listen to the same artists. yeah, that one was weird as shit-- i couldn’t listen to new music, i just didn’t have the courage. the FIRST ever thing my therapist told me to do was check out a new artist by the time we had our second session. that’s when i discovered the national, one of the two most important bands of my life, and since that day i’ve made it a point to listen to at least one new artist a month.

anyway.

so then i moved to france, which was the best thing that could happen to me ever. however, as i quickly discovered (and sometimes still reel from), whether i like perpetuating this mindset or not (i don’t) the truth is at least for me, it seemed for a while that it was my very depression that kept me so Creative and Hungry For Knowledge and Pretentious Fuckwit. the happier i got, the “lazier” i got. i stopped writing for a year straight because i didn’t feel the urge to create anymore, i stopped consuming content because Who Cares I’m Living In The Moment I’m Finally Happy I Don’t Need To Hide Behind A Book. etcetera. most importantly: i was INSANELY focused on learning french and getting into the university of my choice, and since i kept seeing results in that department, i was happy with what my brain was doing.

then this dude broke my heart. if you’re from the jaywalkers readership, that’s when i started writing jaywalkers. you see how that doesn’t help the whole “no no, i’m only intelligent when i’m SAAAD” thing. i wrote jaywalkers, i wrote other fics, i wrote poetry, i sang songs and watched anime and read books and i used my brain more than i’d used it in the entirety of the year before this happened, and i was like, this is it. if i want to be great, i’ve got to be miserable.

two years later, i’m here to tell you that it’s bullshit. bullshit, you’ve gotta be sad to learn things. it’s the best thing for being sad is to learn something, NOT the best thing for learning something is to be sad. i let my habit of seeking comfort by reading/writing make me believe that i could only do that when i was heartbroken. it took me two years to understand that i was wrong. i could’ve been doing all sorts of bullshit in those two years. i could’ve watched all the james bond films! i haven’t watched all the james bond films!

does that mean i’m magically feeding myself knowledge again? nope. because it’s not all about feelings. it’s also about how much time i have, how much energy (physical and mental) i have. i still have a shitty concentration span and can barely make it through a movie without getting the creepy-crawlies over my skin. i still have to do three different things simultaneously or i’ll never get any of them done. i gotta skype someone while doing the dishes. i gotta skype someone while eating. i can’t just eat. i can’t JUST read. i SURE as hell can’t just watch something. but you know what? the only reason i figured (am still figuring) all of this out is because i got rid of the initial block that said i don’t want to. i had to realise that it was up to me whether i consumed content or not, and once i did, THEN i could get to solving the practical problems that came with it.

it’s still a work in progress. a very, VERY fresh work in progress, because i’ve only started implementing big changes this spring/summer. it’s a lot of trial and error, but there’s a lot of solutions. turns out i’m better at keeping up with shows if i make it a regular date night thing with my boyfriend. i’m better at reading things on my kindle since it throws me back to my bookworm days when i had physical books. i’m actually better at listening to content sometimes, which was a huge surprise since i’ve always staunchly believed that my auditory comprehension is utter shit. but i’m still working it out u know? i’ll make it. i don’t want to stagnate anymore.

NOW. ONTO YOUR ACTUAL QUESTION.

here’s the thing, i’m REALLY shitty at keeping up with ongoing content. my preferred m.o. is waiting for whatever ongoing thing interested me to not be ongoing anymore, and then i binge. it’s a concentration/stamina/fucks thing. hence what i do is subscribe to anything i like and save it for later.

like i like knowing what my favourite authors are up to, so i subscribe to them. if an ongoing fic’s summary seems interesting i subscribe to the writer, that way if they write something shorter/complete i can check out their writing style, and i’ll still get updates if the main fic is completed. then i save those update notifs until a time that i can get to them, so that they’re little reminders in my inbox:

i also keep lists of everything that i want to check out at some point. i try not to give myself deadlines (anymore) because i literally never stick to them when it comes to consuming content and i end up feeling like shit. i used to have like, “SUMMER 2016″ lists and shit with like seven movies and three shows and i’d never do any of it completely and that sad little list would just lie there. so instead now i try to just make lists, period. it’s like a humongous queue of things that i want to check out, and whenever i have the time/willingness for it, i refer to it.

and then i keep a list where i keep track of what i checked out.

i find that it’s less pressurising to make a separate list of what i accomplished as opposed to having a to-do list where you check things off. because like, get this. so you have a to-do that isn’t urgent, right? not like, groceries, dinner, dishes. for those it’s totally important to have a reminder right in front of you, like do your dishes brah. but for things like this, especially for someone like me who’s a flake and will say “i’m gonna watch this movie tonight” and then will literally stare in your face without a word the entire evening and not watch the movie, it’s really shit to have a “TO DO: THINGS TO READ” which just lies untouched for a month straight.

instead, i keep a reference list. and then, when i do something, i note it down. that way i satisfy my inner list monster like “i did a thing today!” and at the same time avoid the disappointment of staring at a pileup of titles that don’t have a strikethrough. this helps with everything that isn’t urgent tbh. if you can afford it practically, don’t make a “what i have to do” list. make a “what i did today” list. it actually helps you to stay positive.

NEXT. i also always, always, always invite recs from my friends. this part involves having exceptionally patient friends, because i always ask for recs. and then i never check them out. literally me checking out a rec is a once in a blue moon thing, so my friends ( @fyolette in particular, may the lord bless her) really have a calm mind because they still always send me things they think i’ll like. i’m eternally grateful for this, ETERNALLY.

so then i make a list of those. recs most commonly involve fics and music. i try to check out music recs within the day/week, and fic recs get tabbed on my favourite chrome extension ever: onetab.

boom. beautiful.

NEXT. how to retain all that Good Content™ that you binge? there’s no easy way, you have to figure it out on your own. before my depression hit i had an incredible memory and grasping power, basically reading through something once was enough to memorise it. this ability took a major hit in high school (which i nearly failed by the way, despite being one of the TOP students of my school), and i’ve never really come back to my full form. most days i fear that i never will, but i still have faith. it’s a long life. and hey, even if i don’t, i don’t shy from hard work. i’m willing to replace what was once natural intelligence with hours of manual labour if i have to. that’s a choice i’ll make.

personally, saying things out loud helps me lots. making flashcards for everything too. i like anki, it’s pretty clean and friendly, but i also struggle with screens when it comes to learning. for me the best way to learn something is to write it out by hand. there’s something about the motion of writing that permanently inks things in my head, so i try to do it whenever i can. i’m trying to shift to digital methods more, though, to save time/money/resources. i like having a split-view. i’ll open whatever i’m reading on one half of the screen, and a notepad on the other, and constantly paraphrase. paraphrasing really helps me. another fantastic thing is to highlight anything unfamiliar (technical jargon, unfamiliar names, cited works, even pop culture references that you don’t get) and make it a rule to google all of it at the end of your reading session. not immediately-- you’ll get sucked into the black hole that is wikipedia and leave your novel aside. do the reading first unless your highlighted term is essential to understanding, and then check out whatever you set aside. that way you understand your current content better, and also branch out into related topics.

i can go on about these tips for ages so if you have any specific questions/would like me to elaborate, hmu.

NEXT. your...actual...question...what content i keep up with...

so firstly, fic, because fic is life. i’m subscribed to: gentlestars, mindheist, porridgemilk, potter, retox, and rix. i’m also subscribed to a bunch of fics/series but would prefer to keep them private, so hmu off-anon if u’d like to know which ones!

i also kept up with OMGCP for an astonishingly long amount of time (for me) and then dropped off, but i do hope to catch up this summer. i adore OMGCP. i also started on WTNV the moment i realised that i’m good with audio stuff now, but i deliberately don’t binge it because its episodic narrative allows me to be sporadic, and WTNV is not something u binge. it’s something u feel in ur heart.

for music, i’m a mainstream hoe so spotify’s global top 50 is always great, i also love their daily mixes. spotify in general is fantastic, sometimes i like setting up a song radio and listening to similar music, it’s great. my cousin/best friend abhi always hits me up with fantastic music recs, he really knows my taste and knows when to insist that i listen to something. always ends up in my library.

the only thing i do on youtube is watch cooking videos and vine compilations honestly (btw nathan/ayitspnayo is the prince of my heart so i’m very much subscribed to him on snapchat, along with vice magazine and lemonde) but my favourites are sortedfood and peaceful cuisine. apart from those two the only channel i really keep up with on youtube is med school insiders. i love this dude. this dude is like my clip art older brother.

for shows i’m currently crawling through weightlifting fairy kim bokjoo, and waiting for narcos S3 and GOT S7. i want to binge either brooklyn 99 or it’s always sunny in philadelphia, or parks and recreation. i don’t know, something funny, u know. we’ll see.

of course it’s incomplete without a tumblr shoutout. i love lolmythesis, wizzard890, pyrrhiccomedy, fyolette, saintjoan and some others that i don’t follow but keep bookmarked to check regularly. also, pretty random, but reddit is fantastic for trivia and more-than-trivia. the todayilearned sub is gold.

so there u go! i’m sure i’ve missed out on some stuff (it’s 4 AM how did this happen i started answering this at 2) and maybe none of this is useful as opposed to half of it being useful, but i sincerely hope that there’s a miracle and ALL of it is useful to u. it’s never too late to start learning things, and i know that it’s overwhelming when u feel like u don’t have any kind of base so u don’t know where to start. like where does one start learning the history of everything. what does one do to get to the point where u know some obscure detail about nikola tesla’s life? i feel u! i feel u! but u gotta start somewhere. pick something that interests u and branch out from it. u can’t know Everything about Everything Ever anyway, so why not accept that from the get-go and spend ur time wisely learning about what u really want to learn about!

and it’s such a big world. i’m sure there’s so much you want to learn about.

youtube

#teesta talks for ts #this is...long #anons #replies

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riisarghwho · 5 years

Text

How I’ve coped with De Quirvains Tenostnovitis

A few years ago, maybe since 2016? I started getting symptoms of Carpel Tunnel Syndrome (the sheath around the wrist constricting your main median nerve causing numbness, pain, locking, stiffness etc) So I headed to the Doctor who referred me to a physiotherapist who....did something... which didn’t feel medical :/ He sort of held my wrist and my hand then moved them in opposite directions which made a popping kind of feeling. Anyway, since then I would get weird feelings in the base of my thumb. I didn’t really think anything of them until it got so bad that it affected my daily life like preparing dinner, picking things up like a cup.

So again, I went to the Doctor who did some easy tests on me and referred me to get a steroid injection after the diagnosis. It did cause some muscle deterioration and bruising which didn’t go away and looked horrible: (Mind the scratches, my cat is a F*CK!)

The steroid injection worked wonders for a few month but then the same symptoms came back and stronger this time :( It started really affecting my study, so much so that it hurt to write so I couldn’t practice Kanji and subsequently I started seeing my grades drop dramatically from 70+ to 45+ and this really affected my mental health. If I wrote through the pain my thumb would punish me the next day to the extent if I moved it too much it would be really painful. It affected my work too, I was put back on light duties and sometimes that even seemed too much. I felt like I was failing in everything, my studies, my work, my mental health! So when I visited the doctor the next time and he told me that because the steroid injection only worked for a few month (Usually a year or more) that my only option was to have an operation, to which I agreed because it was a risk worth taking in my opinion.

So, he referred me to get an X-ray and an ultra sound where they found extreme inflammation on the sheath that surrounds your thumb (basically the same as Carpel Tunnel but only in the thumb). I then received an invitation to a private clinic where I met with the surgeon who was so helpful. During the operation since I was only under local I was awake throughout it so I was curious and asked if he would show me what was going on. He was confident that I could handle it and did. He showed me all my tendons which were as white as bone! and how they move, then showed me the sheath and explained that usually we have 2 tendons inside the thumb sheath but I had 4! So it was inevitable that I’d end up needing the operation.

Afterwards I wasn’t allowed to drive for 2 weeks and since I’m such a lucky girl, my husband took time off work to take care of me for a week. I was also off work and university, however I did try to do laptop stuff with just my left hand :’) it took forever!.

It has been almost a year (in Feb 2020) since the operation and I was told I won’t see a full recovery and mobility in my thumb until the year mark. I have had a difficult recovery if I’m honest. Bumping the wrist every now and again, picking up heavy objects too soon causing it to pop and punish me for a day or two. It has been a learning curve to say the least. I’m hoping I don’t have to visit the Doctor again with it but I do have this gut feeling that I will be since it feels like there is something sensitive on the surface which if slightly touched, sends a high pitched pain up my thumb and bottom of first finger :/ To try and avoid it I’m still doing the exercises that the physiotherapist recommended every now and then.

To round things up, I’m still very happy with my decision to go ahead with the operation because I can now write in order to study at uni, not as much as I’d like to but I’ve got to build up the strength slowly and listen to my body. I think it is also partly to blame for my anxiety that has crept up on me :/ But getting help from a councilor has shown me I’m in control! We can do this!

#operation #de quirvains tenosynovitis #stress #anxiety #strength #mental health #student #study problems #de quirvains disease #carpel tunnel #physical health #triumph #I win

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