#unfortunately unless someone writes a Homestuck figure skating au

[simmonsized]

in exchange for finding the fic for me here is some fun facts about bro having a flat ass, from a swordsman.

like 99% of swordsmen (and women ofc) have very nice asses bc. well. standing semi-crouched for that long to practice and all the moving around and lunging WILL give you some very large leg and ass muscles. can confirm from personal experience.

so, for bro to have a flat ass:

a) his stance fucking sucks and he doesnt move around much

OR

b) vibes so rancid ecotbiology intervened to ensure that thang stayed flat as a pancake.

this is by no means indictment of the headcanon i think it is fucking hilarious. keep going king o7 we love you (genuine)

SEE NOW, this may be true, for most people. Unfortunately Dirk "Bro" Strider is simply as you say, so rancid in the vibes that he does not deserve to have a nice ass.

Although perhaps it is ectobiology, at least a little. As a figure skater, I can relate, because we have a descriptor we call "skater butt" at my rink lol but some of us (not me tho) cannot seem to achieve one no matter how hard we struggle (but that is what butt pads are for; not to protect from falls, but to pretend you got a nice booty heheh)

Seriously, thank you for the fun info, I will now be laughing even harder about his flat fuck friday ass 💖