#unfortunately i don't get my results until the graduation next week & i still have one week of school but the worst is behind me!!

[cheekblush]

finished my last oral exam today!!! 🥳💃🏻🎉👯🏼‍♀️🥂

[thephysicsgraduate]

There are too many first-year graduate students for everyone to fit in the old office, so they dumped us in the abandoned library. I made myself a quaint (albeit temporary) home in a corner by a window.

Still no news on the results of the qualifying exams yet. I'm enjoying not knowing the results, but I will have to face them soon.

I'm only halfway through day two of the semester, and I am enjoying diving into to content of my courses. I'm apprehensive because most of my teaching responsibilities won't be in full swing until next week, and I'm afraid I won't have time for everything. Unfortunately, one professor, who I'm not a real fan of, has dictated that the TA's help sessions run from 6-8 pm on Mondays, 6-9 pm Tuesdays, and 6-10 pm Wednesdays. That means I will have to be at school for more than 12 hours, and I won't get to see my partner at all :(.

Staying 100% positive right now is challenging because the uncertainty of everything is immense, and I'm unfamiliar with the mental landscape I will have to traverse to ensure I stay on track with everything. I want to start research instead of TA assignments this semester, but I don't have funding from any special fellowships or grants. It's not that I hate being a TA, I don't have a passion or extraordinary gift for teaching, and it doesn't fuel my inspiration for the field. Research does that, and I have but crumbs of time remaining in a week to read articles and pursue those endeavors.

[allsystemsarenotgo]

A friend and I were talking one day, and she shared this with me.

She was much like me, raised with a quarter between the knees, terrified of the things we were taught to avoid and trying to live reasonably noble lives. She wasn't allowed Birth Control for religious reasons (pro-life) as well as to prevent enablism. Her family was much more religious than mile, though I still went to church during my Sophomore, Junior, and Senior years of high school.

She married a guy 10 years older than herself, who was a long-time routine customer of her family's business. They married right after she graduated high school, long before she applied to higher education.

She is a nurse now. She has 3 kids, works long hours at a hospital, and her husband is a successful farmer as he always has been. She struggled at times, but she made it through.

She knows life would have been easier without the first child, but she was innocent and naiive and I think she realizes that she jumped in the deep end of the pool before learning how to swim.

I did the same thing.

All through high school I pledged to abstinence until marriage. I hated everything to do with sex. The topic, the drama, the action, the result. I wanted nothing to do with it.

But I also never dated through grade school at all. I never had a girlfriend. Plenty of crushes (M.S. above being one of them), but just as many denials. Because I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have FFA animals, or play athletics, I also wasn't a member of any social group. I was always the kid in the corner of the cafeteria scarfing food down in 5 minutes and sleeping the other 20, or asking to go to a teacher's classroom, where it was serene and quiet.

My freshman year of college, I even wrote an essay on abstinents for English class. That really didn't go over well in regards to having to read it out loud. There might as well have been fruit flying at me.

My dorm was set up such that we had 3 private bedrooms that shared a living space and bathroom. One of the roommates always had girls over, and he never tried to be quiet (or if he did, he failed...badly).

So those two things were my indoctrination to college life. Getting judged and leered at for writing an abstinence essay, and having to listen to a roommate multiple times a week.

Towards the very end of my freshman year, a girl from high school messaged me. We started talking, and she admitted that she had always had a crush on me and was too shy to ever say anything.

Error #1: For no good reason whatsoever, I agreed to formulate a relationship with this female

So when I moved home from the dorms, I hung out with the lass a few times, but my parents were moving out of the country and closer to my school, so I could live at home. That meant that this would now be a 1.5-hour-each-way medium-distance relationship.

So every 4th or 6th weekend during the remainder of that summer and into the fall semester, I would drive up and spend a day with her. Sometimes, I would drive her out of the country and into the city to give her a glimpse of escape (it was very impoverished where we grew up).

Error #2: Doing whatever made her happy

I really enjoyed the time that we spent together. She got me a purity necklace for Christmas that year. She said she understood that my preference meant something to me.

But then, something changed. She would start dropping enuindos and jokes and send me photos that I didn't ask for.

Error #3: Not standing up for myself

She said that I meant something to her, and asked me if she meant something to me. At the time, I did not comprehend that as a trap...but I wanted to make her happy, so I said "yes".

The next thing I know, she is booking a hotel for us for Valentine's day. Wherein, I learned a thing or two or five or ten that I really wasn't interested in learning in the first place.

-Provides Clorox to help scrub the thoughts from your mind-

After that, she wanted me to come see her more and more often. But I was tied up with school and life.

Mind you, we usually had a phone call every night, or at least every other night. Same time, right before bed. Sometimes we would fall asleep on the phone with eachother.

Error #4: Accepting anything as fact

Well one night, I called her, and she answered...but it was noisy in the background, like she was driving. But she never talked while driving, and wouldn't answer the phone with family in the car.

She said she was in a friend's car and they were going to the beach for the night, which was completely reasonable for the time of year and her group of friends. She cut the conversation short saying they had arrive, so we bid our greeting. But she didn't hang up, and something told me that I shouldn't either. So I didn't.

"Who was that?"

"Don't mind him. He was just calling to check on me. He's controlling like that."

"He sounds like a jerk"

"Enough about him. He won't do this."

-Provides more clorox-

And that's how I found out that her primal needs were more important than our "relationship".

Unfortunately, shortly after I broke up with her, I was sent a photo of her quite visibly pregnant. Fortunately, the timetable did not add up to Valentine's day (aside of the fact that it was physically/biologically 95% impossible).

That summer, I started a job at the student newspaper. Right off the bat, one of the graphic artists and I got along very well. We spent way too much time at work talking to eachother and goofing off, instead of working. Enough so that our boss took notice and things got tense for a bit with him. We still cranked out work no problem, but we were both too young to understand workplace policy and procedure when it comes to "dating but not dating", which is basically exactly what we were doing. We spent alot of time together. I would go to her dorm after class and we would watch movies and just goof off or do whatever. We enjoyed time together.

Error #1: So cliché. So, so cliché.

So Valentine's day rolls around, and she asks 'the question'.

So something in biology: There is a term called "Once an animal has the taste of blood, they will always hunt for it." Unfortunately, humans can sometimes be considered a sub-species of the animal kingdom.

Like the dumbass that I am, I accept to the terms and conditions.

And at the end of the night, she asks: "So are we officially dating now?"

"I...I guess?", I answered nervously.

Errors #2 to #457: Not escaping

And just like that, I was suckered into nearly 2.5 years of having a FWB while having to, very creatively at times, mask it as a legitimate relationship.

We enjoyed the time we spent together.

We enjoyed going places together.

My mum liked her, her parents liked me. (Dad was skeptical at best and thought I could do better)

The small issue: I struggled to communicate at times. I didn't know how to find my voice, so there were times that I would have to text her how I felt. Sometimes I would hide in a corner just so I could cry. (I later learned of my autism, and it all made sense and I learned how to resolve this)

The big issue: I was completely burned out on intimacy. After almost 2.5 years of emulating laboratory rabbits, I was done. My usefulness had expired.

The biggest issue: We were both suffering academically. We had no common interests at all anymore, and we had put eachother ahead of our own academics so much that we were both risking academic expulsion.

So we mutually agreed to break up.

She dropped out of university (and never went back or finished her schooling), and I changed majors twice before getting my Bachelor of Science.

My first relationship lasted from June 2009 to April 2010.

My second "relationship" lasted from February 2011 until May 2012 (Although we started spending time together in significant amounts starting August 2010)

I have not had a girlfriend since May 2012.

I had one friend in my senior year of college, who gave me some non-physical affection while also keeping me firmly locked in the friendzone. But quality time, by itself, only goes so far.

I have not had any physical affection since May 2012.

I have not spent quality time with a female since May 2013.

For most of that time, from May 2013 to August 2019, I really didn't mind it at all. I have been so tied up in working, hobbies, and life in general, that I completely ignored women.

But as my birthday loomed near in October 2019, it donned on me....I was on a crash course to being eternally lonely.

So I have tried online dating. I have gone on a few first dates, but no second dates.

Sometimes, I want to give up. The fight just doesn't seem worth the reward.

And honestly?

Sometimes I feel exactly like my friend's remarks at the top of this post. Sometimes I wish I would have been a little more rebellious, a little more care-free, a little more out-there.

But at the same time, ...

Sometimes I wish that neither relationship would have ever happened.

That I would have never learned the true definition of intimacy.

That I would have never done whatever it took to make the other person happy.

That I wouldn't have been such an easy push-over.

That I would have stuck to my initial pledge in life

That I would have spoke up more and defended myself.

All I am now, is damaged product.

I don't truly know how to love.

I don't truly know how to feel.

I don't truly know how to be myself.

I don't truly know how to be intimate.

I am human, I am male, so of course I have my moments. But I don't want that to be the reason for a relationship. I want it to be the least-important factor, or not a factor at all.

I want a relationship founded on trust, honesty, fortitude, common interests, personality, maybe even a little faith.

Not intimacy.

I just want to not be invisible, or to only have one attribute visible.

I want to be seen for all the other attributes.

I am not A-sexual. I still feel emotions and feelings. I just don't want to let them out of the locked box which contains them. Not without lots of context and preparedness.

[dhalelilah]

It was the fourth week of February 2022, 2nd week for our technopreneurship activity another week means another fun activity. We are tasked to create a team of 4 members only per group, gladly I was able to find a group that somehow matches my personality and got the same ideas. Before we derived to our 5 start-up ideas supposedly our main task we share our MBTI and BIIT results to one another and exchange thoughts about it this was mentioned from my previous blog "Self-assessment"

It was the fourth week of February 2022, 2nd week for our technopreneurship activity another week means another fun-filled activity. We are tasked to create a team of 4 members only per group, gladly I was able to find a group that somehow matches my personality and got the same ideas. Before we derived to our 5 start-up ideas supposedly our main task we share our MBTI and BIIT results to one another and exchange thoughts about it. This was mentioned from my previous blog "Self-assesment". Things went smoothly from the beginning from sharing our test results up to brainstorming our own unique start-up ideas until each members were confronted to face life difficulties.

The 5 start-up ideas so basically these are the ideas we had thought of implementing for the aim of not just having a business venture but to create solutions in our modern day problem by the use of technologies. My group and I proposed these 5 start-up ideas:

Gagote - Fur Care Cdo is a all in one pet care service application in the locality of Cagayan de Oro City and Project Himo an application for fresh graduates who wish to gain experiences for a better job landing opportunity.

Deano - Barter is an application designed for bartering products online.

De Pena - Lihok is an application for the people who wish to stay physically active with the comfort of their homes .

Gallogo - Safe Spot a security application for online transactions to locate your transactors.

It wasn't an easy week I could say as I mentioned earlier that we were confronted by life's difficulties. When everything was set unfortunately we weren't able to present our ideas on time in which other members were not present and we have some technical difficulties. We are able to attend our section's designated schedule for presentation but we don't have enough time to present so we scheduled another time that is convenient to Ma'am Angelie our instructor for final presentation. But then due to unavoidable circumstances by the next schedule we weren't able to report again because the time allocated for the presentation were already used although not everybody presented yet. So we file another schedule for the presentation, again. Finally by God's grace we can already deliver our presentation in a very crazy scenario. I just arrived from my flight by 12 noon rushing to get lunch like crazy because our presentation is by 1:30PM. I chatted my group mates they are all offline, still I keep messaging our GC so they can easily see updates. Thanks goodness Gallogo is online but currently at work and they have strict protocols regarding usage of office materials for personal use. So I need to deal it with myself? I contacted Deano but she is in a hurry sending her baby to the emergency room to the hospital. I was too stunned to speak nor act. About De Pena he was just newly hired as a stock manager working from 8Am to 5PM straight and timing he was busy that moment. I am exhausted from the flight and everyone's dealing with their current disposition. It was not a friendly timing but we are able to make it. I can truly testify the saying "If there's a will, there's a way" although we are all busy we still manage to deliver our presentation nicely. Everybody cooperated in all their means. At the end we are still a team I would like to end this blog with the quote "Together we stand, divided we fall."