#unfortunately for my anons i think i am the funniest person on the planet | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

omnigon · 7 years ago

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I mean... not really... the problem here is that I’m terrified of people on this fucking website. I really haven’t HAD my conception of gender challenged because I USED to believe in it, but then I realised it actually doesn’t make sense. I also believe that everything in the human body has a physical cause. I also dislike believing in things that don’t add up just because people insist that they do. Unless some day it’s discovered that it actually, genuinely is a thing instead of some esoteric self-conception like otherkin I can’t bring myself to give in to it. It’s not about nonbinary people and their lives, it’s about how this website punishes people who disagree with the zeitgeist. How there are people who, when I SAY to them that I don’t believe it, will end being absolutely horrible to me. And I will never have any way of knowing until it’s too late.

So, unfortunately you’re wrong. You don’t know my history. I used to ID as nonbinary years ago, until I realised I’m very much just a man in the wrong body. It was after this point that I really really wondered whether or not any of my previous ID was based in fact, or in tumblr pushing an anti-male agenda that made me subconsiously avoid my actual gender for fear of criticism (”If I’m a man then all those anti-man posts end up being about me, and I’m too weak-hearted for that.”) and I feel like this is something that never gets talked about, The massive inconsistensies in nonbinary labels also makes me question the legitimacy of any of it. It’s very easy to choose to identify as something. It really is. I honestly refuse to believe that anyone is born nonbinary the way people are born trans, UNLESS, (and this is the only thing that would ever make me believe) it turns out that atypical gender dysphoria is a thing like ordinary gender dysphoria. But from what I’ve read (and I’m not an ~expert~ or anything) that doesn’t seem to be the case. So... in my opinion... it’s a choice. In my opinion MOST people who ID as nonbinary are just ordinary trans people who haven’t realised it yet. If atypical gender dysphoria is a thing, I doubt as many people would suffer from it like normal dysphoria, unless it turns out to be more common. I don’t know. This is entirely speculation, because we actually don’t know enough to make the call. But on here, obviously, EVERYONE knows it’s totally real and if you disagree then you are, without a doubt, a filthy transphobe who should die. It really reminds me of religion in this case, something I vehemently oppose.

Also my mental health really doesn’t matter right now. I would feel this shitty even if I were overeating. It took me like 5 hours of sleep to realise why any of this is even happening, and that I’ve done this exact fucking thing before. Every time I get even a LITTLE close to someone on here, and I mean even a little, a thing goes off in my brain that makes me think of why they would hate me. With the last person I was ‘friends’ with on here it’s because I renounced feminism (for egalitarianism), and that person is super into social justice, and that was during a period of my life when social justice things on here felt like an obligation instead of anything I was genuine about. But I knew that if I were against feminism they’d hate me and think I was a piece of shit! So I had to cut them off. Then this, someone who was kinda close mutuals with me, I couldn’t get over the fact that we disagree on this thing, and me being terrified me, I had to cut him off too.

This is going to happen to the next person who tries to get even remotely close to me. I’ll accept it for a while, then my brain will do a little flip in my head and tell me to hate myself for having one or two differences, because that person would surely already hate me if they knew. Same shit different day. The only winning move is not to play, clearly. The problem is, I never remember that I do this. Then, when I’m trying to interact with someone, suddenly I feel shame and guilt instead of fun, and the only way to stop it is to push the person away, ‘cause I know that’s what they would want if they knew about it. Rinse and repeat, forgetting every time, because my brain’s ability to remember shit chronologically is so unbelievably shot, until today I actually FORGOT that I used to HAVE a close-ish friend on here. It doesn’t help that I have a very fucked up past where I was in a bizarre, outlandish situation as a child and I did bad things because I was in such a bad environment. I don’t believe in free will anymore (I’m a determinist and I believe that everything has already happened in the sense that the conditions for it are set up right now, and time is mostly a perceptual illusion, and that all human thoughts and ideas come from the subconsious processes of the human brain, the innerworkings of which we may never fully quantify) but I still blame myself for what I chose to do out of anger. It’s the sort of thing that will definitely make me push someone away at some point.

I’m just going to give up. I can’t actually like people because I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m a constant disappointment to myself. I’m a failure. I genuinely shouldn’t even be USING this site because the ‘social’ aspect of social media really flies over my head, to the point where my primary usage of this site is actually to archive posts I like, not share them. I’ve known this for a while, but the dumb monkey part of my brain is still ooh-ooh-ah-ahing for other people’s attention, even though not only is it fake and hollow, I really, really don’t deserve even that, clearly. I can’t make friends. Either I’m too stupid for someone, or when I DO get a little close, I sabotage it by pushing them away before they can even get to know me. I don’t even know why I do it, except I’m terrified of being hated. That’s the bottom line, that’s the REAL reason I’m twisted up about all this. I feel like I have many hateworthy aspects and this website seems to punish those who refuse to conform. There’s clearly no point in me trying to find friendship. I need to realise that at this point it’s just not going to happen. I have a desire but no drive, I never, ever talk to new people (Or even people I’ve talked to before) because they terrify me (I mean, what if they’re a genius or a great artist or an asshole or something) so I just sit here and pretend that people I’ve never talked to actually give a shit about me. It’s pathetic. I need to just stop, and realise that NO ONE actually gives a shit about me, there’s no reason to, and since I’m going to ruin it ANYWAY I may as well spare myself the ache and not even bother trying.

I have no idea if this is how other people experience this shit website, I really don’t. I just know that I feel like I’ve been stuck on this site for so long I don’t have any alternatives (and IRL is out of the question). I also have no idea what I’m “supposed” to be doing here or whether I’m using the fucking website correctly. I just... I don’t know. I’m going to give up. Reblog cat videos. Speak my mind even though I know some day an anon will tell me to KMS and I’ll have to actually consider it because everyone else is worth so much more than me, if one of them wants me dead, there HAS to be a good, well-thought-out reason for it. Because everyone is smarter than I am (and I mean fucking everyone I am dumb as dirt). I want to not give a shit and just do me, but whenever I see a post I disagree with, I imagine myself reblogging with my dissenting opinion, and then being made fun of by OP, losing my followers and ending up getting harassed by people who know literally nothing else about me. It’s not like this is outlandish, anyway, we all know how tumblr is. I just feel like once I’m Hated I no longer get to be a person, so even my suffering doesn’t matter. I mean something like this has happened before, but thankfully it was small. I told someone that what they said about people with my specific internal experiences on this one specific thing was actually really untrue, because I experience the thing they said was impossible and just a fad. They told me that not only was the sad, crying message I sent them the funniest thing they’d seen all week, but that I was actually misinterpreting my internal experiences. Now? I never, ever, ever talk about my system and when I DO it’s super short and covert. Because I’m afraid of being called fake. So I guess I’m a hypochrite in this regard. Just proves how shitty I am. Doesn’t change the fact that this website is fucking awful about disagreements. I mean, after that exchange I got an ask about something I said in the PM, which meant that I got screenshotted and made fun of. I guess I kind of deserved it for being openly upset while disagreeing with someone. Obviously on the Internet the whole “U mad?” thing has been going on for years. So as a highly emotional fucking person I don’t GET to be a part of disagreements, because the way I do it is wrong.

Because of all this shit, the shit I went through on this site and IRL, I have learned that I don’t matter, my thoughts and feelings don’t matter, and my wellbeing doesn’t matter. Thankfully, I’m a nihilist who believes that nothing has any inherent meaning or value, everything just Is, so me being human actually means nothing more than the sum of my parts+ my consciousness, making me worth about as much as any average mammal on planet Earth. I don’t think any one really matters though. I mean sure to each other we do, but that’s only because as a social species we have a natural altrustic drive. This is why we THINK we matter when in reality we are animate dust, held together by tape and glue, kept conscious by an organ that has literally gotten us here through sheer trial-and-error. I always hate saying this stuff because I know it makes me sound cold, but I’ve seen the darkest parts of people. I’ve seen humans treated like literal garbage. If humans had inherent value this would be impossible. Just like if God were real this would be impossible. It’s stupid how caught up I am in how other people feel about me when I know objectively, when I’m in the ground, none of it will matter. That, cosmically, none of anything matters. Actually, when I was a young teenager I was so, so distraught by my cosmic insignificance. I can’t help but be a nihlist. I mean, now I’ve come to terms with it and rejected the ideas of God or an afterlife specifically because they place undue importance on humans.

So I’m going to keep sitting here feeling like shit because at this point I have no fucking clue what I could do to feel better that doesn’t require effort I can’t expend right now. I’m not going to fucking eat because I really feel like I don’t fucking need it OR deserve it. Besides, I don’t do this very often, and I was a huge asshole by cutting him off like that. I have no idea how he feels about it but I know that this is the end. And I hate it. It hurts. It hurts but I can never, ever make myself not do it, because the alternative is stewing in anxiety and feeling increasingly nervous about lying by omission by not telling people how I really feel about things. I’m going to be fine, I already covered my forearms in bruises (and stupid dainty crushable little wrists to a lesser degree) so it’s not like witholding food is going to make things even worse somehow. In fact, sometimes when I’m hungry I can’t cry at all, so really I think it’s a good thing to punish myself.

Besides, I’m a really, really shitty person and I don’t deserve to live.

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