#understand when i get upset and overstimulated because they didn't bother asking me what i wanted or telling me about the plans in advance

[sunny-mercya]

Sensitive Heart

Poly! Billy Loomis & Stu Macher x Male Reader

Fandom -> Scream 1996

Requested by -> Anon

Masterlist

Sidney had become quick to learn, that you're a rather sensible—if not even overstimulated sensitive—boy.

Most things; be it a large crowd, people accidentally bumping into you or someone saying something you had difficulty to understand—hell, even the most mundane compliment; you look really good today—brought you to tears.

And on some days, wether if they are bad or good ones, you would cry for an eternality of hours—exhausting yourself with a sore throat sobbing.

Throughout the school years, you had spend more time in the nursery office thanks to this—whatever and however it's called, Sidney doesn't bother to remember—than being actually injured.

Tatum, who had heard from Stacy—and she had it being told from Mackenzie, who had gotten told it from Helena—the nurses daughter—told Sidney once, that your over sensitivity of personality has been coming from your mother.

Your mother who had pampered you into a suffocating and constant anxious panic. She was a kind soul, with her off shrugging absently affectionate, but treating you well still.

Although, when you were at the age of ten—having been in the hospital again, because of your mother—your father had enough, filled a divorce and complete custody over you and told his ex-wife to leave.

So now, Sidney had to endure your tears filled stuttering jumble of words while accompanying you, yet again, to the nurse office.

Please god, she thought, end me. Holding back a groan, simply nodding along to what you're trying to say. If she's telling you to shut up, you would probably cry a flood then.

~~~

The cold wet washcloth always felt good over your burning irritated eyes. Cooling them off and bringing a sort of pain relief to them.

Mrs. Westbrock had left the office, after assessing you down onto the bed and giving you a glass of water and headache-pills. Nothing new, a normal occurrence for you to be alone—till school hours ended—in the nurse office, when you had another rather server breakdown episode. Then again, every episode brought you to the office.

»Aww, at this point you should ask the Director to let you live rent-free here« Stu did his best to lower his voice, when stepping in. Knowing well how headache prone you would get and he also knows how loud his voice can be.

It must be lunch break or a free period or study all, otherwise Billy and Stu wouldn't be able to visit you. Then again, you wouldn't put it pass them to just skip a lesson or two—and you knew they had done already more than once.

»What was it this time babe?« asked Billy, sitting down onto the chair. Someone would say his tone, when asking you this question, is coming off as annoyed, rude and tutting. It wasn't. It was Billys way of asking you how you are and what the cause was.

You shrugged at him, rubbing your eyes and sitting up a bit—letting Stu prep kisses onto your face.

»I.....don't really remember anymore.«

Billy hummed, knowing well it was lie of you, watching you and Stu, the both of you conserving now over some Cartoon.

»Did Jules brought you here?«

»Nu-uh, it was Sydney,«

Billy nodded, they all were somewhat friends with Sidney, though somehow she always seemed to be irritated annoyed by your mere presence—not that you took notice if it, always busy to greet everyone happily, even when it was hard to do for you.

»[Name]. Tell us, what made you cry.« a bit demanding harsh he sounded, but how would he know if Billy didn't use a dominant force to bring you to speak.

»It, it–it was, someone talked about–about how killing is, is–is something and I got upset over it, because they talked so causally about it, but killing is–is–is bad and taking–taking a humans life is cruel«

You broke into another, new, round of tears. Sobbing into Stu's arms, who cooed at you lovely and giving you sloppy kisses on the cheeks again.

Oh, how innocent sweet you are. Thinking so naively and thoughtful about the world. Aren't you adorable?

~~~

It was weeks after, when Sidney came to the conclusion that the ominous masked—dubbed as Ghostface—killer, who tried to killer her, is Billy Loomis.

Sidney, when she got the chance, pulled you into an empty classroom, cornering you. Doing her best to look as threatening as she could, to make you confess.

She always found it strange how Billy (and Stu) could love someone like you—someone who's a crybaby, skittish and meek in personality. Too Sensitive for a boy to be.

But then she thought, you're the perfect alibi for Billy or perhaps even someone who knows that Billy is the murder.

»You know Billy is the killer, don't you [Name]?«

»What? What are you talking about Syd?«

»It's Sidney. Billy is the killer and you're either good at pretending to play clueless dumb, which you are though, or you're his partner. There aren't any other options.«

Sidney hated it how you pronounced her name so dumbly wrong. It's a simple name, how hard could it be to say it right? Apparently hard enough for you.

»Accusing someone, a friend even, of something so horrific is a cruel thing to do.«

»Oh? I didn't knew you could speak english without stuttering in sobbing.«

Your lips begun to wobble, biting softly onto them to stop the starting trembling—which would soon racked through your whole body. Eyes getting wet, tears ready to spill.

Sidney had no rights to accuse Billy like this and neither had she the right to be this mean to you. You hadn't done anything to make her upset, so why does she say such things?

She clicked her tongue in annoyance, gripping your arm tight when you were about to bold off.

»We both know I'm right. Whether you like it or not.«

You freed yourself from her, jerking your arm out of her grasp and bolting out of the room. At some point colliding with Jules, who was looking for you, scrambling up again and running even faster away.

A lie. It's a complete conspiracy bullshitting lie, what Sidney had said to you. It wasn't true, Billy isn't a killer.

~~~

»I'm home!« greeted Billy once he had open the front door and stepped in, closing if afterwards. Getting out of his jacket and hanging it up on, he made his way towards the kitchen.

Leaning against the frame of the kitchen-door, Billy watched you, smiling at the sight of you cooking today's lunch—dancing slightly to the music which the radio plays.

»You need help, darling?« he admits, spooking you up like this was—the way how you jerked together into surprise—always a fun thing to do.

»Oh, Billy! How was work? Sure sure, you can set the table and please get Stu« you pecked his lips, when he leaned down, snatching a piece of bacon from the cutting board.

»Where is he?«

»Upstairs, doing the laundry.« you had long returned to the cooking, resuming with what you had stopped.

Billy passed through the living room, stopping at the commode in the hallway, next to the stairs.

Photo frames over photos frames filled the commode, telling their own stories—from their graduation, first house, to marriage, to their honeymoon and then to their Kids and their first kindergarten and school day to the here and now.

There was one photo in particular, which both Stu and him are very found of. It still confuses the kids, who couldn't figure out why a photo of you crying was a found memory to keep and share.

To the kids they had told a story of how they always found it adorable, just how bunny like you were and wanted to capture the moment.

In truth though, it was the moment when the broke you—your spirit of will—and had you forever to love.

It was after Sidney had inflicted your pure heart with self-doubt and questionable unbelief towards Billy. You confronted him, breaking out in hysterical when Billy bluntly admits it with a shrug and when you were about to call the police—Stu stepped in, holding you tight in his arms as you trashed in his hold and shouting words at them you never wished to say again.

They had to break a few of your bones, scaring and threatening you completely in submissive—because if they don't, you wouldn't be able to continue with going to school with them and enjoy life, if they didn't had done it this way—they had to kill you and that would be a shame. After all you're their precious little darling.

It took a few years—after framing someone else for their killings and making Sidney an implausible witness in the polices eyes—to shape you into what your are now; a good submissive husband, who showers them in unconditionally love.

»[Name]'s adorable, isn't he Bills?« Stu trotted down the stairs, flashing a grin at Billy.

»You're right, he really is. I was just about to get you, laundry-boy«

»Funny, man. Urgh, my back hurts. I never do laundry again«

After lunch, when the kids had retired into their rooms or going out to spend time with friends. You and your husbands sat on the couch, cuddling against another and watching another round of romance movies.

Even after all these years, you couldn't stop your sensitivity and the spilling tears from your eyes.

Billy and Stu wouldn't have it any other way. They adored you how you are, in their eyes you're perfect.

»Have I told you, just how–how much I love–love you two?« you asked them in between sobs, romantic movies always made you so moody.

»You do plenty of times, precious. We love you just as much in return.«

Both Billy and Stu pressed a kiss against your lips, tasting your salty tears.

You're their little bunny.

[bbyquokka]

You're more than that ۰˚☽˚

➥ pairing: Hyunjin x F!Reader

➥ genre: fluff, smut. MDNI

➥ synopsis: coming home to see Hyunjin heartbroken, you soothe him – in more ways than one.

➥ warnings: smut, unprotected sex, fingering, mentions of people disliking hyunjins new hair, explicit language, creampie, spanking, overstimulation, shower sex, pet names [babe, baby, angel, prince], brief nipple play - if i missed any, lmk!

➥ words: 2.8k

➥ a/n: Inspiration that contributed to the last section. i felt like this fitted well with Hyunjin. i have some fics in the works two of them im excited to start on so look forward to them!

Feedback and reblogs are highly advised and appreciated!

➥ m.list – ➥ you can also read it on my ao3

Autumn. The time of year where the leaves turn a beautiful yellow-orange. The days get shorter and colder. Halloween is just around the corner. You love autumn but this year, you love it even more.

Why? because not only have you just recently moved in with your current boyfriend, Hyunjin, but it's also comeback season. Him and the rest of the members have worked tirelessly, preparing for the comeback – and with a new comeback means a new image.

Hyunjin came home one day with his hair cut and dyed. You were shocked at first however, you soon grew to adore it. Not only did it fit the concept but it also fit him. Hyunjin knew people would be shocked with it but he hoped people would understand and love it. Majority of people did, however, he soon learnt that not very many people did

Leash in hand, you were on your way back from walking Kkami. You weren't expecting Hyunjin to be home until late/early morning considering it's still promotional season. You went to unlock your apartment door, shocked when you discovered it was unlocked.

"I did lock the door before I left, right?" You asked Kkami, as if he could understand you. He looked at you then at the door, indicating he wanted in – now!

You opened the door, slowly walking inside. You looked at the hanging coats and the shoes and noticed that Hyunjin's were placed in his usual spot. Furrowing your brows, you took your shoes and coat off, taking Kkami's leash off.

You cautiously walked to the living area, jumping slightly when you saw Hyunjin's tall figure sitting on the sofa.

"Gosh babe! You gave me a fright!" You spoke, placing your hand over your heart. Hyunjin simply hummed, his attention on his phone. His thumb moved up his screen, indicating he was scrolling.

You frowned. Walking closer to him your frown softened as you noticed he looked upset and confused.

"Hyunjin?" You spoke softly. His gaze continued on his phone screen, his eyes glossy and wet. Tears pricked his lower lash line and fell down his soft cheeks. Your eyes widened in shock. What could have happened?!

You gently removed his phone from his hand, locking it and throwing it on the sofa beside him. He was still in the clothing he left early this morning, the faint smell of sweat lingering on his skin indicating that he didn't bother to shower or change.

Hyunjin finally looked up at you, his bottom lip quivering as tears fell down his cheeks. You cooed softly, stroking away his tears. You straddled his lap, pulling his head into your chest. The sound of your heart soothing his worries and despair.

"They hate it." He whispered through his soft sobs

"Hate what baby?"

"My hair." You let out a silent sigh, knowing where this was going "They hate it so much. I've seen it all. I've seen all the comments."

"Is that what you were looking at, baby? The comments?" Hyunjin nodded his head slowly, his hands coming around to your back, gripping your clothing like a baby koala.

"You shouldn't torture yourself like that."

"I-I know but it's STAYS! I always want to know their thoughts and opinions."

"I know Hyunjin but some people are not so nice. Those types of people are not worth your time and effort." You kissed the top of his head gently, holding him as close to you as possible.

"Is my hair really that bad? I thought it would have been a good change.." Hyunjin pulled away from your chest as he looked at you with his glossy, tear filled eyes. You cupped his cheeks gently, stroking his skin with your thumb

"Hyunjin. It's not bad, it's perfect!"

"You're just saying that because I'm your boyfriend." Hyunjin mumbles, sighing and looking down at his lap. You lifted his chin up with your finger, forcing him to look in your eyes

"No, I'm not. You should know by now that I tell you what's on my mind and if I don't like something, you will know about it. Sure, it was a shock at first, it's something new! But it's perfect for you, Hyunjin. Besides, you're handsome now matter what you do with your looks. You could have long or short hair, you could even be bald and you'd still look as handsome as ever!"

Hyunjin sniffled, his bottom lip quivering. Fresh tears fell from his eyes as he listened to your loving words.

"R-Really?" You hummed, nodding.

"Really! You're so much more than just looks, Hyunjin. You're a talented man. You sing, rap and dance so well. Your stage presence is suffocating but in a good way. Not only that, but you're so talented at art. Your artwork never fails to blow me away, Hyunjin. Stop doubting yourself and giving all your effort to the people who are so negative on you. Focus your energy on the people that DO care."

"You're right. You're always right." Hyunjin mumbled. You laughed softly, running your fingers through his hair.

"Now let's get go shower, you smell."

◃───────────▹

"Hyunjin, I can't." You whimper. The warmth of the shower water beating down on your naked skin. Water droplets dripping from the ends of your hair as your hands are firmly planted against the cold shower wall, hips out as Hyunjin was driving his fingers in and out of your pussy.

It happened so fast. One second you were getting changed, the next your lips were attached to one another is a hungry kiss. Lips and hands roaming each other, taking in every detail of one's skin. Soft moans and grunts mixed with the sound of the shower water beating down on the shower floor

"You can, I know you can." His nimble fingers were working expertly inside you, stroking your soft walls as his fingers curled up, hitting your sweet spot with each thrust. He leant over you, kissing the valley that linked your shoulder and neck together. His plump lips sucked and kissed your delicate skin, leaving purple marks behind.

His free hand travelled down your sides, stroking the curve of your ass before slapping it, harshly. The sound of wet skin and his hand coming into contact with your skin echoed in the bathroom, sounding louder than what it should.

Your body jolted forward at the sudden impact, chest touching the cold tiles. Soft whimpers left your lips with each slap, your cunt clenching around his fingers. Your lower lash line pricked with tears, threatening to spill down your damp cheeks. The force of Hyunjin's hand increases with each slap.

"H-Hyunjin." You hiccupped. The sting became too much to bear. You hung your head low, panting. Hyunjin licked his lips as he saw your ass cheek turning a bright red. He stroked the tender skin, cooing softly.

"Good girl." He whispered, planting a gentle kiss on your shoulder. You looked at him, your lashes wet from your tears.

"More." Your voice tiny, drowned out by the wet sounds of your cunt and the water from the showerhead. Hyunjin growled as he pulled his fingers out of you.

He positioned himself behind you, hands on your hips. You wiggled your hips cheekily, grinning. Hyunjin groaned deeply, grabbing the base of his cock and teasing your entrance with his tip.

"Hyun, don't tease me." You whined.

"And why shouldn't I tease my sweet baby?"

"Because I'm at my limit! It's been so long, Hyun so surely you must be at your limit too? Don't you want me?" You pouted, battering your eyelashes at him from other your shoulder

"Of course I want you!" Hyunjin pushed his length inside you, stopping until he bottomed out. You groaned at the feeling, head kicking back "I always want you, baby. Everyday and every night, you're all I desire."

His hips started off slow and steady, letting you get used to his size. Due to promotions, he has been rather busy and in the process, has been neglecting yours and his own desires. He could feel that with how tight you feel around his cock.

Soft groans formed in the back of his throat as he thrusted slowly. He so badly wanted to go hard and fast, but you're fragile and precious to him. He wants to savour the moment. You closed your eyes slowly getting used to his size. Soft moans and pants left your lips as you hung your head low, gaze falling at the puddle of water beneath your feet.

"More, faster!" You shakily called out. Hyunjin gripped your hips tightly in his hands, his thrusts increasing in power and speed. The sound of wet skin slapping against each other mixed with the water and your moans.

"Ah fuck Hyun. S-So good." Hyunjin groaned as he leaned over you. His teeth grazed across the skin of your shoulder before he planted lazy kisses. You tilted your head to the side, allowing more access. His teeth sunk into the flesh, a hiss of pain and pleasure escaping your lips.

Hyunjin removed one hand from your waist, letting it travel up your side and to your breast. He cupped it gently, squeezing and flicking your sensitive nipple. Your body jolted slightly at the new pleasure, your bottom lip caught between your teeth, hands balled into fists against the cold tiles.

"You feel so good around me. I've missed this so much!" Hyunjin groaned against your skin. You hummed, purposefully clenching around his cock making him whimper softly.

"Me too, Hyun. You've been so busy lately, I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too, baby. I'm sorry, I've been neglecting you, haven't I?" You turned your head to the side, making eye contact with him. You pouted, nodding slowly. Hyunjin bit his lip, your glossy eyes and faint blush making his cock twitch.

"I'm sorry angel." Hyunjin pulled out most of his length, leaving just the tip inside. You whined, wiggling your hips to try and push more of him inside. Hyunjin laughed softly before repositioning himself and pushing his length back inside you, hitting your sweet spot instantly.

You moaned out loud as Hyunjin continued to thrust against your spot. His cock stroking your soft walls as his tip hit your spot over and over again. Your legs soon started shaking, threatening to give up. Nothing but soft pants and empty words left your mouth as Hyunjin looked down at you, satisfied with your reaction.

"H-Hyunjin. I can't. It's so much, it's so good." Hyunjin grabbed onto your shoulders using it as leverage. You didn't think it was possible but his thrusts became more powerful and faster. You felt the back of your thighs slowly getting sore, your back aching from the position you're in.

"Gosh, I can never get over how good you feel around me, baby. This cunt remembers me so well, I love it!" Hyunjin growled. You whimpered loudly at his words, the knot in the pit of your stomach slowly forming.

Hyunjin felt this with how tight you had a hold of his cock, making it increasingly difficult for him to be consistent. His hands travelled down your sides, resuming their earlier position on your hips.

"Oh gosh, Hyunjin. I think–"

"I know, baby. I can feel it. It's okay, you can cum. Cum for me baby, show me how much you've missed my touch."

You whimpered, the knot in your stomach snapping. Your orgasm washed over you as your cunt contracted and released around Hyunjin's cock. Your legs shook and if it wasn't for Hyunjin keeping a firm grip on you, you'd be on the floor.

A sting of fucks left your lips as you calmed down, only then did you realise that Hyunjin was still thrusting into you. You whimpered loudly, the oversensitivity consuming your body.

"H-Hyun-"

"I know baby, I know but you can take it. I know you can. You're such a good girl for me." You squeezed your eyes shut, reaching behind you. Hyunjin smirked, grabbing both your wrists from behind. He held a tight grip on them, using them as leverage as he thrusted. Your body shook and jolted at the impact, your breast bouncing with each ruthless thrusts.

You could no longer moan but instead whimper. The oversensitivity was too much for you to bear, it was making you sweat and tremble. Hyunjin's movements soon faltered, becoming sloppy and uncoordinated.

"B-Baby." he spoke, struggling to keep his composure. His eyes squeezed shut, his breathing laboured. Your bodies slick with sweat from the activities plus the humid air that caved you both, making it difficult for you to breath.

"I-Inside." You cried out. One finally thrust and a grunt from Hyunjin, he was emptying himself inside you. Your cunt clenched around him encouraging him to milk himself inside you. You hummed at the feeling, Hyunjin shallowly thrusting, chasing his high.

Soft pants left his lips as he coated your walls white. Once calm, he let go of your wrists letting them dangle down your sides as you caught your breath. His cock turning soft inside you as he pulled out slowly, his liquids plus yours slowly falling down your thighs.

As Hyunjin stood back, you felt your legs giving up completely. Thanks to his reflexes, he caught you just in time, making you laugh. Your body ached. Your back and thighs screaming at you as your pussy felt swollen and sensitive from overuse.

"Sorry baby." Hyunjin mumbled, feeling somewhat guilty. You shook your head, kissing him sweetly.

"Don't be sorry, my prince. I enjoyed it just as much as you did." Hyunjin smiled softly, kissing your lips sweetly "Now, help me clean up. The humid air is making me feel dizzy."

◃───────────▹

Hyunjin was sitting on your dressing table chair dressed in nothing but boxer shorts. You stood between his legs, dressed in your favourite panties and a spaghetti strap vest. Towel in hand, you were drying Hyunjin's hair.

"Do you really like my hair?" You looked down at him, removing the towel from his head to reveal his gentle and perfect features. His eyes looking up at you with so much love and admiration.

You smiled softly at him, your own eyes filling up with love as your heart swelled with admiration for the beautiful man. The way he was looking up at you reminded you of a small puppy dog, begging for a treat. You stroked his soft cheeks, humming softly at him.

"Of course I do. it's stunning on you." Hyunjin hummed in thought before speaking

"But –" He swallowed, wondering whether he should speak.

"Go ahead, hun. Tell me, what's on your mind?"

"Why can't others? Why can't other people see past my looks. I'm more than looks and it upsets me that people don't realise or refuse to."

"You're 100% right, my prince. You are more than looks. But some people just refuse to believe that. There are some people, my love, that thrive of other people's misery. Those people, you stay away from. Those people, you don't invest your precious time and energy on, because it will consume your mind."

"Then, what do I do? Ignore them?"

"Yes." You replied bluntly. "You invest all that positive energy on people that care for you, Hyunjin."

"Like you?" You smiled softly at him, nodding slowly.

"Me, Kkami, your family, your members, STAYS. We all have different relations to you, but one thing we all have in common is that we love you, in more ways than one. We know the real you. We know how extraordinary you are, Hyunjin. They're the people that matter the most."

Hyunjin smiled softly, feeling reassured. You continued to dry his hair of any left over moisture, squealing when you felt his fingers pinch your ass softly.

"Hyun!" You whined, slapping his gently with the towel. Hyunjin laughed as you resumed your task. He didn't notice until now but his eyes were level with your breasts. He could see the perfect roundness and fullness you have to offer as well as your hard nipples poking through the material of your vest.

"Fuck." He whispered, cock twitching in his boxer shorts. You looked down at him as he grabbed your waist, pulling onto his lap so you was straddling him, before pulling you flush against his naked skin.

You dropped the towel on the floor, you eyes level with one another. Hyunjin's eyes glossy and dark with lust and want.

"Hyun." You whispered.

"I need more of you. It wasn't enough. You're intoxicating, addictive. The more I have of you, the more I crave. I shouldn't have bitten into the forbidden fruit because now, I'm addicted to you. Your sweet, honey taste coats my taste buds, fills my veins with adrenaline. Fuck, what do I do to fulfil this aching desire?"

You whimpered at his words, his lips sucking and kissing your skin. You held onto his shoulder, humming softly before lifting his head up to look at you. You leant in, lips ghosting over his own

"You give in. Fulfil your heart's desires with indulgence, Hyunjin. Use me, indulge in me, taste me all you like. I'm here for the taking."

[thedeluluverse]

Annyeong my darling @starfire21! Here is your request! Sorry it took longer than I quoted, hope it was worth the wait! Let me know of anyyyyy feedback ok? Enjoy :) <3333

Author’s Note: Big thanks to @starfire21 for this request as it beckons in a new era of not just BTS fics! I hope y’all enjoy and feel free to send me requests anytime 😊Also, I got a tad bit carried away so if it's too long, sorry! hehe

Summary: Being together for 2 years, there is no limit to how well you know each other. So why do you still try to hide?

Pairing:  softDom!Minho x subbyJYPstaffF!reader.

Rating: 18+

Genre: idol!au, angst, smut, fluff, hurt/comfort, established relationship, coworker romance

Word Count: 3,861

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI.  swearing, angst in a couple parts, fingering (f. receiving), breast play, dirty talk, pet names, overstimulation, clit play, praise kink, neck kissing, guilt, crying, cockwarming, mom and dad issues, reader highkey hates her dad and wants to unalive him so there's talk of that too.

It's been 2 hours, and you are still reeling. Despite living in Korea for about 6 years at this point, your parents still manage to get under your skin. A notification pops up on your phone that your boyfriend, none other than Lee Minho of Stray Kids, has gone live. A small smile appears, knowing that he helps comfort you even through a screen and wondering if he can sense your need for his presence. Probably not, but it's a nice thought!

Once the live is through, you give a sigh of contentment, quickly replaced by the familiar sinking feeling that comes with the trauma you can't seem to shake. You are on the verge of sobbing when your phone screen lights up, showing that your boyfriend is trying to Facetime you. Taking a few deep breaths and smiling, you accept the call and are greeted by an "Annyeong jagiya! Did you see the live?". Nodding your head, you reply, "I did, and you look so handsome today, babe!".

Despite you doing your best to smile enough to not worry him, he can tell that the smile far from reaches your eyes. His tone changes to stern as his eyes bore into your soul; thank goodness there's a screen separating y'all! "Tell me." He demands; you try to laugh it off. "Tell you what? That I love you; you know I do, Min!". He isn't laughing, "Don't play this game with me, angel, I can tell something is wrong. Please, I'm here for you, always.".

At his sincere words and concern for your well-being, the dam is broken, and you start bawling, unable to communicate for about 3 minutes. He understands and doesn't bother you; he just looks at you pitifully, upset that he knows there is nothing he can do to help right now. Once your breathing has regulated, you say, "Okay, well, buckle up, my love, because today was a doozy…" he nods to show that he is ready and you are free to start whenever.

After a sip of water, you begin, "First off, my dad, who I haven't talked to in about 7 years, texted me out of the blue asking what I've been up to, and he misses me (bullshit, you mutter under your breath). So this fucker asks if we can meet up for lunch or something soon. I told him that I was not in the States anymore. He said that my mom was bragging about me and accidentally let it slip that I live in Korea now, so that's no issue since he has wanted to take a trip anyway. “

“I told him to stay out of my goddamn life since that is what he is best at, and he lost his chances to reconcile with me a decade ago. Then he dared to get angry with me and say he deserves to see me because ' he's my father.' I told him he was just a sperm donor and he had no right to me, especially since I changed my last name once I moved out. He didn't like that and said that I was just like my mom, a bitch, and that was it. Now most times, I don't like being compared to my mom, but in cases like these, it's a badge of honor, lol.”.

As you take a breath, Minho stares off from his phone for a moment to process all of that. Now, that situation would be intense to hear about for anyone. Still, it's an entirely different playing field for your fiercely protective boyfriend who knows about your trauma. "I'm gonna kill him." He states, still looking off into the distance.

You damn near spit out your water at the suddenness of this statement, then reply with, "I mean, go for it, have fun even, but make sure I'm there. I want to see his pathetic life leave his blank stare as I deal the final blow." His eyes widen, knowing that your talk of wanting to kill your dad was serious all these years; his only response is to nod, "Anything you want, Princess.".

Blushing at the pet name and feeling a bit better, having vented some of the day away, you say, "You are already fuming; I can just finish up the story later. It's okay. I will see you, la-" "You'll see me as soon as you are done telling me what happened today. Yes, I am pissed at your dad on multiple levels. Still, I care about you even more. So what else happened, honey?". You close your eyes, and with your voice slightly cracking, you say, "My mom. She happened. So she Facetimed me earlier, like 10 minutes after the ordeal with 'dad'.

  She just wanted to check up on me, but I was snippier than usual because I don't like surprises like that and wouldn't have agreed to call just then. I told her that she needs to not just randomly Facetime me because next time, depending on what kind of day I'm having, I may not be in the mood to pick up. She didn't like that at all and tried to play the guilt card of not seeing me in forever despite her knowing I’ve been super busy lately. I told her that wasn’t fair, and we texted enough for her to know that my life has been hectic, so she needs to not try to make me feel guilty for my success."

“So then,” you continue, “she happens to spot that the sink has dishes, trash needs to be taken out, etc., etc., and huffs. I ask what's wrong, and she proceeds to say that, well, despite success looks like you can't handle it all if you can't maintain a clean living space and that after this long, she thought that I would’ve figured out a routine that works for me by now.

  She even had the audacity to say, 'Ah yes, your work is soooo taxing being around gorgeous people all day, you poor thing.' That set me off; I told her that my job is taxing because I want to ensure I am doing my best, so they do not have to worry as much. I have had no energy to do anything when I come home lately besides shower, eat, and talk to Min for a little while before I pass out. The final straw was when she said, ', Oh, so you have time for your boyfriend but not for your mom; I see how it is.' And just ended the call."

  He stares into space again and says, "Wait…what the actual fuck??!! She knows you have abandonment issues and how your energy levels can be, and she dares to pull that…. I'm so sorry, love, for everything." You sniffle, trying to ward off more tears and answer, "It isn't your fault, though; none of this is, which is why I wasn't going to bother you with it or bring down your day. Especially after a live because I know you get a mixed bag of comments with those; I feel extra bad now. I'm sorry; I'm selfish and shouldn't have word-vomited on you. Oh fuck, am I like my dad? I'm really gonna run into traffic now," you half-joke.

"AISH. Y/N-AAAA!! I've told you that you never need to hide anything from me, okay? I am here for you. I would’ve hated it if you kept all of this to yourself until you deemed that I was ready to hear it. Lovingly shut the hell up about that 'like your dad/being selfish' shit. I could tell you weren't okay and asked you to share why. Yanno, I love you and know you have struggled mainly alone for too long."

" Your dad would've just started unloading about his day without even thinking to ask how I was before, so stop. No running into traffic jokes either, alright? You really wanna do that to me and the kids?". The corner of your mouth twitches into a slight smile as you say, ", Okay, you maybe have good points; I'm sorry. And I wouldn't do that to you and those fuzzy little cuties in a million years!"

He smirks, "Good, and stop saying sorry. You did nothing wrong, okay?"; you nod in response, granting you a flying kiss through the screen. "Do you have any plans today y/n?" "Nope MinMin, I'm free the rest of the day; why?" "You'll see, just be ready in 15 minutes, dress comfy. I'll see you soon; gonna hang up now, saranghae jagiya!" "Saranghae jagi, I'll see you soon!". The call ends, and you put on your favorite pair of leggings and an oversized hoodie you had stolen from him on your third date paired with your trusty boots, and you are ready to go!

15 minutes later, your boyfriend is pulled into your driveway and leans against the car waiting for you, not wanting to rush you but letting you know he is there. The second you step past your door, he runs up to you and captures you in the most comforting hug that might've ever existed.

This causes you to cry more, and his only response is to softly rub your back, occasionally pecking your temple and forehead with kisses and soothingly whispering, "There there, y/n, I'm here. It's going to be okay, that's it. Let it out.". After about 9 minutes, he wipes away the tears for you, kisses their faint trails, and leads you hand in hand to his car. As he starts driving, you have no idea what he has planned, and frankly, it couldn't matter less; you are feeling better just being in his company.

Putting the car in park, he turns to you and asks, "You ready?" "for what?" you reply. He emerges from the vehicle and opens your door for you, holding your hand as you walk into the building, saying, "Just trust me.". As soon as you walk in, you are taken aback at how nice this place looks but are too entranced in the calming scents of rain and vanilla to put too much thought into it. He notices you just taking everything in and places a gentle hand on the small of your back to catch your attention, "Let's get this started, shall we? Don't worry, I pulled a few strings, and we have the place to ourselves.".

Returning to reality, you look at him with wide eyes, "Wait….did you rent out a whole ass spa just because my parents were jerks??? This is too much; I'll be okay, I swear!". He calmly places a finger over your lips, looking into your eyes. "Nothing is too much for my baby girl, you need to wind down anyway, and I just had an excuse to pull something like this off. Now… go enjoy my love."

You blush at the effort and care he put into this, all for you, and nod, walking to the back. First, you get the best massage of your life, not counting the ones that Min has given you; of course, once it is done, the masseuse leaves so that you can retie your robe and move on to the next room. Nearly falling asleep from how jelly-like your muscles feel, you don't notice that you aren't alone until you feel a hand gripping your ass cheek.

You bolt up and whip your head around only to find your cheeky partner showcasing the cat smirk that you so adore until he moves closer to you and bends down, placing soft kisses on your shoulders, neck, and all over your face until you are both giggling. "Now, on to the next room." He commands while taking hold of your neck with his strong, veiny hands that impress you more and more every day.

Helping you into the next room as you are still a bit wobbly, Min starts feeling like this was definitely a good idea since it has been ages since he has seen your features this relaxed. Once you sit in the massage chair, he plants a kiss on the top of your hand and then leaves you to enjoy phase 2. Phase 2 includes a full mani-pedi as well as a customized facial treatment due to him knowing that you have sensitive skin. He even asked the staff to provide extra cucumber slices to snack on if smelling them on your face kickstarted your craving.

Throughout the mani-pedi, you receive heavenly hand and foot massages, and you start to wonder if this is all a dream due to how perfect everything has been. As you wait a few moments for them to ensure the next room is ready, your sneaky boyfriend whispers into your ear, "Enjoying yourself pretty?" as your eyes are closed, leaning back in relaxation.

  Your eyes fly open, mainly from the realization that those 3 words created body-wide goosebumps. Hovering over you, he shakes his head and gently lowers your lids, "Keep relaxing, pet. Let master take care of you, yeah?". Biting your lip, you nod slightly while fighting a moan; at this green light, he starts a trail of kisses from your collarbone down to your sternum.

Your breathing becomes more uneven by the second as he takes one tit into his mouth, swirling and flicking his tongue around your hardened bud and occasionally sucking on it as if his life depended on it. He can tell that you are needy from his actions and stops right before the staff returns to lead you into the next room. Not before he leaves little love bites all over your cleavage, though.

Phase 3 is a special treatment that he personally requested. Now, the spa staff is well aware of your heat sensitivity, and you were fine temperature-wise until Min's little sneaky stunts left you panting with flushed cheeks. Well, it seems he anticipated this because he arranged a cooling stone treatment for you in the next room. They spend about a half hour moving stones of all sizes all along your body and double as many times over your pressure points to ensure you don't get overheated.

In the end, you are instructed to lie face down once again as they leave an even pattern of chilling stones all down your back as well as on the nape of your neck. In the midst of cooling bliss, you feel a familiar set of lips kissing up your calves all the way to the back of your thighs. Goosebumps appear again, and you can feel the desire pooling in your stomach along with the increasing wetness between the lips of your pussy.

He barely has to apply pressure to your inner thighs for you to spread your legs for him even wider. Leaning over your back, he nibbles your earlobe and coyly says, "Damn baby, you really are my subby little kitten, aren't you? All it takes is a few kisses and teasing touches, and you are dripping onto this table for me. I'm not complaining; I've just come to taste my handiwork.".

  Before you can object for fear that you'll be walked in on, his tongue is deep in your throbbing cunt, licking broad stripes along your lips. Feeling you adjust slightly in an attempt to grind against his face, he firmly holds down your legs, saying, "C'mon, my needy little babydoll, you gotta stay still so daddy can take care of you. Unless you want them to see that their handiwork has shifted and be privy to your true nature." You groan as if to say, "That's not fair," but you aren't complaining after all…

You finish for the third time, not 5 minutes before the staff walks in with a robe, ready to remove the stones from your back, ignoring the smell of sex as they were paid to do. Sitting on the end of the table, waiting to see what will happen next, Minho saunters in and extends his hand towards you while slightly bowing. Furrowing your brows, you ask, "Um, my dear boyfriend, it's a little difficult for me to walk. Could you tell me where we are going?".

Ignoring your question, he states, "You feel a little chilly."; you huff and reply, "Well, thank you, great compass, that helped a ton. For your information, I am, actually. The stones set me back to neutral, but then, all of that release burned a lot of calories, and now I'm resetting." "I thought as much. Well, welcome to the last stage of Min's 'If I can't kill those who hurt you, I'm gonna try my hardest to kill your unhappiness and soothe your soul for eternity' tour!".

Trying to disguise the tears in your eyes from being seen, you tease, "Damn, that's a mouthful, love…" He just grins and cocks an eyebrow replying, "Yeah, well, so are you, and I'm not complaining."; this makes you blush and scan the area, hoping nobody heard him.

He leads you into a private hot tub/sauna room with the temperature of everything set just warm enough to help you feel normal but cool enough that you won't pass out. You don't waste any time changing into a bathing suit and letting your body succumb to the sensation of the jets and the melting effect that the water is having over every inch of you. Eyes closed and head back, you still have trouble believing all this is real. Ten minutes later, you feel the water rise higher on your body, and it isn't long before you know the culprit is your Min joining you.

Looking to the right of you, where he is sitting, you pull yourself over his lap and start kissing along his neck, all the way behind his ear, and finally over to his lips for a steamy makeout sesh that leaves you both breathless and has him asking, "Well Princess what was that for? I am certainly not mad about it, but I figured you'd be too relaxed to be this bold right now."

It's your turn to smirk as you rub your clothed core against his growing bulge, then whisper against his ear, "See, the thing is…I was relaxed, then you made me all needy, so you have to fix it now, mister." "Oh, do I?" he teases as he slips two fingers inside of your soaked cunt easily, which elicits a very loud “fuck Minho” from your lips. He curls his fingers inside of you, occasionally toying with your sensitive bud while kissing you passionately until you have cum all over his hand 5 times.

He lets you stay collapsed against him for a solid 10 minutes before saying, "Let's go, my adorable little raisin.". Pouting, you lift your head up, meeting his eyes and saying, "But baaabe, I feel too weak to dry off, get dressed, and go all the way to the car…” He chuckles, tucking your hair behind your ear and placing a soft kiss to the tip of your cute nose before explaining, “I planned for this situation as well my love, just trust me yeah?” he says touching his forehead to yours as you nod.

He gets out first, quickly drying off, pulling on a pair of boxers, and heading back to you. He lifts you bridal style with ease out of the hot tub and places you on possibly the best bed you have ever laid on. As he joins you underneath the covers, you curl up against him with your nose on his neck and his chin on top of your head; "Jagi, did you invent a cooling cloud for me to sleep on?" you ask, half out of consciousness.

He gives a deep chuckle in amusement at how tiny you are right now, places a kiss on top of your head, and traces his fingers up and down your spine as he answers, "I'm not thaaat powerful jagiya, but that was precious."

Pressing yourself closer to his chest in embarrassment while giggling, you retort playfully whiny, "Don't make fun of meee. Just tell me what magic is underneath us right now, and can we take it home?". He smiles ear to ear, just as smitten with you as the day he met you, and replies, "Well, I thought you might get overheated, so I asked if they could set up the extra room as a nap area with silk sheets for cooling reasons. Sadly, they didn't have any, but thankfully, they did have this other fabric called habotai. It is much like silk but a bit cheaper and slightly more cooling. If you like it this much,  we can send a set home with us."

Barely raising your head, just enough for him to see your eyes, you ask, "Wait, really??" with the wonderment of a child who just got told they can take home the toy they've been eyeing in the store for the past 20 minutes. Kissing your forehead, he nods and can feel fatigue overtake his body; right before he drifts into dreamland, though, your sweet voice permeates the air.

Pressing a palm against his firm chest to let him know you're awake, barely above a whisper, you say, "Um…I don't want to be greedy, but I have a question….if that's alright. I know you've done so much already." He glances down at you and cups your cheek with his palm, "What is it, my star?" you feel your cheeks flush as you ask, "Well, see, the thing is, I was thinking, or rather wondering if you could just…be inside of me? If that's silly, I get it, just, I dunno, I want to feel as close as I can to you. You're so healing you have no idea…".

Before you finish your sentence, he is gently filling you up with his cock and softly presses his lips against yours right as you finish speaking. "I doubt you could ever make a silly request or be greedy where I am concerned, sweetheart. You could want to hula hoop with Saturn's rings, and I'd find a way to grant your wish, my love." Giving a contented sigh, you nod, and you both drift off to the most peaceful sleep either of you have experienced in a long while.

  Even though you felt like absolute trash earlier today, here you are, feeling like the most valuable piece of treasure. All thanks to your fantastic boyfriend who sees you as a goddess and would move mountains if it meant you were at peace. The reason is, to him, you are the rarest gem that he had the fortune of stumbling across in life, and he spends every day trying to think of ways to show you just how special you are to him and in general.

After that day, you both vow to always let each other know what is going on so that neither of you faces hardships alone; from now to eternity, you will be each other’s soul soothers, and you couldn't feel more thankful to have this man by your side now and forever.

THE END

[asdpawprint]

Service Dog at College: My Experience

It's been over a year now since I graduated, and I finally feel far enough removed to look back on the experience without instantly triggering a panic attack, so here's how my experience of going to college with my service dog went!

Max attended classes with me for 3 semesters in total. He was still "in training" for about half of his 1st semester, then considered "fully trained" the rest of the time. He did not live in the dorms with me because I didn't live in the dorms.

In preparation for taking him to class for the first time, we did a lot of training outings on campus over the summer. We primarily practiced 2 hour settles and leading me to exits. I also contacted my college's disability services to notify them that I would have my service dog with me. Luckily, they seemed to already understand the laws around service dogs, so it wasn't an issue.

Actually going to class usually went well. My professors and even fellow students were respectful. I only got asked to pet him a handful of times. He was only stepped on once by accident, even though it was sometimes hard to find a seat in class where he could lay out of the way. I preferred the computer lab classrooms because I could sit anywhere and always have enough room under the desk.

I had 1 class in a room where he had to lay in the way, and the only place he could fit at all was far from both exits. And the professor frequently went on tangents about triggering topics. So I was often stuck there during flashbacks or dissociative episodes. That sucked.

Sometimes professors would forget to give us the 15 minute break halfway through a 3 hour class. Technically, I could leave anyway, but I'd miss instruction. So Max got used to doing almost 3 hour settles. He'd get restless in the last 20 minutes or so, but never disruptive.

All the classrooms I was in had carpet, so I didn't bother bringing a mat for Max to lay on. If the floors had been hard, I would've brought one for his comfort. I offered him water and a potty break outside before and after every class, and during 15 minute breaks if we had them. I gave him treats throughout his work time, but we were never out long enough to feed a meal away from home.

The worst experience we had was graduation.

Before the ceremony was fine: security didn't seem to know what to do with us, so they just let us in without going through the metal detector. Someone from disability services guided me through the tables and forms I had to fill out. They let me sit off to the side for the beginning of the ceremony instead of walking through the miserable crowd of overstimulation (a line of previous graduates on either side) with my peers, and let me have a chair on the outside edge for the ceremony itself.

Then things started going wrong:

I didn't know ahead of time that the floor would be concrete, so I didn't have a mat for Max. He was very uncomfortable and shifted around a lot.

I couldn't wear a treat pouch or access my pockets under the gown, so Max had to work in an extremely overwhelming situation for hours with almost no rewards.

The people with cameras seemed to actively avoid me. I noticed several times that they'd do an overview of the crowd, then stop immediately before my row, then start again immediately past us. That was weird.

The guy telling each row when to start going towards the stage stepped on Max after staring at him multiple times. Then rushed us towards the stage before I could get any treats out of Max's vest pockets. That was very upsetting.

The stairs up to the stage were metal and creaky and had lots of gaps, but luckily Max is well socialized to weird stairs and walked up just fine.

The worst part of all was the end of the ceremony. They invited the whole entire audience to crowd into the arena we were sitting in to "collect their graduate." Luckily, Max perceived it as "So many new friends! How will I ever say hi to them all!" But I was completely out of it. By some miracle, my Dad was among the first into the arena and was able to lead me out. It took over a week for me to recover. I ended up sending an email to disability services suggesting that they should provide options to exit early because that situation easily could've been dangerous.

To summarize, my overall experience with bringing my service dog to college went well (everything else about college was horrible, but they did well with the service dog specifically), but graduation was a disaster.

[sincelastsession]

I'm getting really upset about being in freeze mode and feeling like agoraphobia anxiety when I attempt to even leave my apartment.

I used to be able to go several places.

Now I feel overwhelmed even in the smallest store.

Like I feel like I'm gonna faint or throw up trying to get myself to go.

The last two times I have gone which was a while back I got creeped on but even before that stores were hard.

I get completely overwhelmed even if I have music playing. It's jarring and scary and there too many people and colors and I always have to look at everything and I never feel at ease or safe in the grocery store.

Like Aldi SHOULD be the best store for someone like me to get groceries in but it's just as bad as bigger flashier stores.

I used to have social anxiety but I could really give a fuck less about the grocery store NPCS now except the creepy men. Literally almost every time no fail a creepy man has come up to me while I have headphones in and either sexually harassed me or just straight up is rude or weird at me.

Dad thinks I'm paranoid abt it. Dad has never been harassed by men in public places. He is not there with me when I go places and he doesn't experience it.

Shopping with mom is chaos.

Travis helps when he can.

But no one enjoys shopping with me because despite me trying to turn it into an adventure it's not one for them as I gotta shop in a certain way where I gotta look at every row so I don't forget.

-----------

Today I was able to autopilot to the big Asian markets and it was 3x as expensive as it used to because the cost of living definitely went up again.

I am so goddamn stressed.

I am so goddamn mad.

I didn't get everything I needed.

I can't fucking function like I used to and I'm mad about it and there's not a goddamn thing I can do but stay in hypervigiliant frozen mode.

Because guess what.

I'm not getting to move.

That was BULLSHIT

Even though my doctor is very worried about me.

A grippy sock vacation ain't gonna help shit.

I can't relax. If I don't smoke for pain then I can't do ANYTHING

Grocery shopping has me in bed from one store.

I needed to go 4 places.

I don't have people bandwidth at all.

I can't deal with loud noises at random.

I'm completely overstimulated and hypervigiliant and allllll my other problems are set off.

I know what would fix it all but there's no way to do it.

I'm about to literally ask someone to start taking pictures and manage a fucking onlyfans for me but I REALLY don't want to resort to that. I don't understand how others do it confidently and just sell themselves and it likely wouldn't be good for my cptsd traumas either

How the hell does dad expect me to switch to a phone plan and try to adjust a budget that can't budge

This is fucked.

I also really don't feel like I was advocated for enough or understood and I'm still mad that people keep making assumptions about me.

Why the fuck is it that the shittiest people get away with thier bullshit and me who tries so hard to do good because I want to and I'm not a psychopath gets like the shit end of everything

It really does bother me that people don't take the time to know me.

There was no reset. I'm still getting treated like shit.

There's not going to be a place to move.

I am probably going to lose my temper and get evicted though because I'm so fucking sick of my goddamn rude neighbors.

I can't calm down.

I have been trying to relax and have fun and do things but I can't fucking go outside without a serious panic attack now. WHYYYYY

I'm so angry. You have NO IDEA what the chronic pain I deal with feels like. People fucking judge me because I don't use a mobility device they can't see the pain issue.

They don't fucking care.

I don't even think my partner gives a shit about me.

I'm so sick of people.

I'm fucking sick of crying and asking for help.

I'm so sick of being sick.

I'm so tired of people saying they care and not showing up.

Fuck them.

I understand them. I really do. And I help the best I can.

But people don't even want to be around me and I'm not doing anything wrong.

I didn't mind that you picked my dad to go back first but I don't like the fact that he decided he was going to keep what he told you a secret from me that's not cool when it has to do with my fucking treatment

So now I'm just sitting around trying to figure out what the hell my father told you because he's done this shit before while I was in the ER and I got treated like shit because he went and took the Doctor out in the hallway and told them a bunch of shit that was not true and he's done that multiple times with other therapists privately so I would not like him to see you separately from me ever again in Session please.

I thought it would be okay and I fucked up I should have just chosen both of us to go back at the same time and now I don't know what's going on and he's being weird and secretive

And his presence in that room was completely fake and I was so fucking pissed off because you didn't notice that as far as I was aware

And I'm not mad at you I'm just mad at the fact that he pulled bullshit on you and I just sat there quietly and tried to observe the best I could and then you made the assumption that I checked out and I just had a thought in my head that needed to come out or I was going to end up interrupting and making it worse and

Then after that is probably where I checked out because I was so pissed off about the assumption and it felt like I was having things that I already understand explained to me and it felt like I was running out of time to discuss things that I did need to talk to him about that were important to me in a safe space and then you told me to go talk to him outside and that Did not go well

He yelled at me in the parking lot

Completely took his little bullshit mask off and treated me like shit and he'll deny it next time

Yes I would love to be financially away from everybody and making my own money and able to work but right now I definitely fucking cannot

I don't even know how to do under the table sit without feeling horribly guilty or fucking it up and be my SSI taken away

How am I supposed to play for a fucking phone plan if I can't even pay for Normal healthy Groceries and I couldn't even get all of my Normal healthy Groceries today and I Try to budget so hard and I'm so Bad at math and I've NeVER had a diagnosis of math dyslexia but I can't pass AGED because of that so I can't fucking Go get a degree and anything that might make me be able to make some damn good Money

And then everybody is like well why don't you sell your art but I can't fucking sell my art if I'm not fucking interested in doing it because I'm too stressed out and I have no muse

They just think I can turn things out like a magician or some shit

I don't know what I want to do or what I can do

I think it's pretty fucking unreasonable to expect me to be financially independent so quickly when I have about a million other things I need to work on that doesn't have to do with my parents

Then yes they are big fat triggers and not in the pop culture sense in the clinical sense

I have tons of clinical PTSD triggers and some of them I don't even know what they are but cause I will just be sitting around and all of the sudden I will be having APTSD episode and it sucks

And then I have autistic meltdowns which also suck

And then I have anxiety and panic attacks going on

And then my fucking OCD is driving me insane and I keep repeating myself to the point where I can't remember what's going on presently and I just I'm stuck in this loop of trauma in my brain

And my ADHD is pretty much making all of this worse and I don't know what to do about that

My executive dysfunction is completely out of control. I can do basic things and sometimes force myself to leave the house but I have to have someone with me or on the phone with me to go places and I don't like that I don't like that I'm getting overwhelmed over the dumbest shit

My distress tolerance is broken right now

Also I really need to get laid and I don't know what to do about that and I'm not a one night stand person and my life feels like it's in fucking shambles and I feel like you know maybe some intimacy in an orgasm might fucking fix some of it but I can't even socialize normally enough to get someone to interested in me and I don't even know what I'm doing

Every fucking relationship I've ever had has been some awful fucking man who has used me and treated like shit and cheated on me and almost put me risk for diseases and shit like that

And then the other man that had been intimate with me it was not consensual it was fucking rape it was fucking assault and I can't do anything about that either because I can't prove any of it

And everybody I'm interested in fucking wants a kid and I can't give them kids

And it really sucks to see every person that you've had a crush on or have been in love with meet the love of their life and have kids and have a big happy little family and post all their shit online meanwhile I'm over hereFucking failing at everything

And I'm so tired of people asking me how I'm doing how am I doing I'm rotting in my bed half the time. And the other half of the time I'm just trying to keep it together.

I used to not be like this I don't know what triggered me to be like this I don't know what it was I just wanted to stop.

I mean my whole life has just been nothing but like passive neglectful parenting but also the helicopter parent parenting and that fucked me up and then you know getting molested and being part of pedophilia shit when I was 2 years old really didn't help anything about my development and then my parents just didn't fucking know what they were doing at all and really screwed me up and they didn't care that they screwed me up and oh why is our child doing these major red flags let's just stick her in therapy and tell everybody that she just has an attitude problem and she's a difficult child that'll fix her let's just stick her in therapy and put her on medicine at 12 years old and put her on All these meds till she finally loses her shit because one of them is causing her to lose her shit and then let's send her to a psychfacility that ruins her brain with medications that she was not supposed to get and then let's not help her Sue the psychfacility that really fucked up and broke so many hippa laws.

I don't know what to do anymore

I don't know how to get people to understand me in any way

I feel like I got dropped in another country where no one speaks my language

Everybody is like oh you should join the butt club oh you should just go socialize with people and I don't know how and I don't know how to act and everybody seems to not want to be around me and it's embarrassing

I mean it's not like I didn't hear the people at the metal show talk about how fucking weird I was within earshot and I just ignored it and went on with talking to people that were nice and then I came home and then I cried

Because I'm almost fucking 40 years old I'm almost there and people are still bullies I'm still getting bullied

I don't know the sweet spot that I'm supposed to be in I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do I don't know how to be assertive because my assertive sounds like me being a bitch and then me being nice sounds fake to people and then me being mean is like totally too scary for people and I don't know what to do I don't even know how to dress myself in cute outfits that actually look good but I can do that for other people

I can't get my shit done but I can help other people get their shit done I don't know why my brain needs some sort of loophole but it does

And when I was on medicine for ATHD it wasn't exactly the best time but I was able to function way better than this

I miss being a teenager where I didn't care about how stressful going to a store was or what sort of dumb shit I was getting into like how do I kill the part of my brain that grew up and made me scared of everything

I should not be this stressed out and this worried about my life when I have a heart condition as far as I'm aware that could kill me at any point in time just because it didn't beat correctly

I don't understand why I can't be beautiful and free like my other friends and do sex work or take pretty pictures and not worry about what people think

I wish I could just start over if I can't go Zack and I don't know how to move forward anymore I just feel stuck in this present moment that this doesn't go anywhere

And I can try religious practice but that's not even fulfilling to me anymore right now

And I thought about fostering a dog but then I remembered that I'm in a lot of pain and I was disassociating from that and there's no way that I'll be able to walk by the end of the week if I go and bring a dog home to socialize it and distract myself from everything

I've been really upset because I would love to go to New Orleans to all these events that all my friends go to and be a part of a friend group who fucking cares about me and I can't

I can't see very well to drive at night and I miss out on so much stuff and I cannot afford to Uber there

And I'm sure that Justin would just love for me to come running back because he would take me places and he would take care of me and he would take control but I don't want another fucking man controlling me

And the way I speak is not to mean that I'm trying to be controlling I don't think like that

And I wish people would ask me how I'm feeling and how I'm doing and quit making assumptions about it

I'm not talking about strangers I'm talking about people who know better

And no one owes me anything no 1 has to do anything but it would be really nice if my family would actually learn about what I'm going through

Instead of giving them excuses to tell me to fuck off even more

I feel so isolated and alone and I didn't do it to myself

And I don't have any motivation to do anything and I'm not even de press that's the kicker I don't feel depressed I'm just angry and sad

I miss my old psychiatrist

I miss my dead friends

I miss my grandparents

I miss the moment to my life where I felt free

I miss being loved

And why is it that my sister gets treated so much better than me but also everybody neglects her and when I try to help her she acts like a bitch and I basically raised her ass because my parents didn't teach her a lot I had to and they get mad at me about this but it's their own fucking fault they didn't have any place adopting another child when I was 15 and I needed them most

I fucking lied to the social worker who told me it was all on me whether or not they got a baby

Because they went and took all of the hoarding mess out of the house and put it in a storage unit or something like that and hit it from the social worker

And then they put it all back in the house and they let the dogs piss and shit all over the carpet and I had my cat who never did any of that and then we got more cats and nobody took care of the litter boxes except for me and my dad sometimes

And then as I got older after my mom and sister moved out everything got worse because there's still stuff from my mom after they got divorced in the house and my dad is just letting my sister have it and I can't even get to my stuff and the stuff that my sister has gotten to that's mine she has stolen and I haven't been able to bring anything into this apartment from that house because it smells like pure cat piss ammonia because my dad never got the carpet or the house treated when he could have when he could have afforded it he sat around and acted like a depressed fucking asshole and refused to get help and abuse everybody around him And he has been abusiveIt's awful to me and my mother and even my sister now since I was a child since before I was even born he has been abusive

But that's what happens when your parents don't even date for an entire year and then decide to get married

I wish I wasn't fucking born

I cannot wait to get old and pass away of whatever the fuck

I'm tired of this shit and that above is intrusive thoughts don't you dare put me in a grippy sock land it's basically diet prison and I have severe trauma from it.

I know that people say they care but I don't actually know if they care

Because people will say well if I didn't care then I wouldn't do this they say that I've heard it a million times and then they turned around and stabbed me in the back

I don't know how to fit in with other people and I'm tired of trying I've tried my entire life and I've been rejected so much

Like people don't understand that my entire life has basically been punishment that's all I can remember is just bad things happening

I don't really remember anything good for very long

My brain is so much in flare up that I can't even remember covers scissors I've had with people I really love

But I don't even think that people I really love even care about me anymore

I feel like everyone is just sick of me

Don't feel like I ever got a chance

You don't feel like I got to live my life ever and I don't feel like I'm living it now

My heart feels fucking broken all the time

It feels like a gaping wound

I wish I could just go to like the fucking Mayo clinic and get all of my health stuff figured the fuck out. I don't want to see any more doctors I'm so tired of seeing doctors. I'm so tired of medical shit. I haven't even gotten to sit and read and really actually enjoyed my special medical interest. And having a special interest is kind of like a thing for me and I don't have any interest right now

I have lots of ideas of things I could possibly do or just things to do but I can't execute any of them I can't even get the dishes clean I can't get my room organized for longer than a month or even a week

I can't get this place cleaned up and organized enough to have people over to have a social life of any form

I just want to leave I want to just get in my car fill it with gas and drive in whatever direction and then when the car runs out of gas or explodes or I run out of money I don't know that's what I've been feeling like doing for a long time just running the fuck away from everything

But I can't because it's hell just trying to leave my apartment

I've been wanting to play it's a garden all fucking Spring and summer and I can't even afford to Go get Plants or seeds I can't Work It in my budget to do a garden other than the stupid onions and the aloe plant that I have growing and it's upsetting because like I would love to have something hobby wise to do but I can't Find anything I enjoy I have a million activities that I have bought Myself and I have 0 interest in doing any of them I have interest in doing things I Don't own but I can't do those things Or I would be trying to

I need to join a gym but I don't want anybody bothering me about my weight or talking to me about it but I can't fit in my budget

And no my budget is notebook or a ledger or anything like that it's just I stare at my bank account and I think about how much this thing costs and if it's necessary for me to live or if I can live without it so I can have enough money for the rest of the month and have some reserve emergency money in case one of my therapy cats gets sick

It's speaking of cats my fucking father and sister neglected the cat that I had to take care of that was fucking miserable the entire time that my dad basically forced her to be alive for a few more months on steroids that we're eventually going to kill her and then I finally convinced him it was time to let her go because she's like 19 and miserable and she was not happy and I spoiled her and gave her as much love and attention as I could and I neglected my social life and everything And then I had to use an ice her at the vet I had to be there I had to have Travis and my mom show up because my dad even thoughHe could have driven down the street and faced what he didThe fucking neglect he put that cat through and the work I had to do to just get her Fur clean. They had to cut her nails out of her foot pads. I could seriously stringle him and my sister for promising to take care of her when I notice signs of neglect and then they fucking didn't

And then they both have the audacity to get mad at me for taking over

And there's another cat that I very much need to go rescue and either rehome or keep with me because he's terrified and he pees and poops everywhere because no one gives him the kind of litter and litter box he needs and he probably has a medical condition of some form or a urinary tract infaction and he needs help and it makes me mad because he should be very healthy and happy and getting love And I am so close to calling animal control on my own family

And my mom my mom keeps a big giant dog in a cage that's probably way too fucking small for him all day until she can get at home to let him out to pee which is cruel

That dog was actually supposed to be mine but she took him and she gave him to alcoholic man and now she says that he's hers and the dog has bitten several people and she's just not getting it trained at all and I hate the way that they treat animals like accessories and alarm systems

I mean I fucking volunteer for the animal shelter and foster because I don't want animals to go to awful ass people

Not only did I experience hoarding when I grew up I experienced animal hoarding

You know what interest that I have that I want to do that it's driving me insane

I want to ride horses again and I can't

I way too much and I can't lose the fucking weight because my metabolism is fucking broken right now probably because of stress and the hypothyroidism that my interchronologist will not treat me for because he's a dumb fuck and I'm angry as hell

I understand that people do a lot of things they don't want to do to earn money and that's been mentioned to me before that people think I just don't wantna work or something and it's like no I do want to work I would probably be better at a lot of people's jobs than they are but currently I'm not in the correct state of mind or physical state to do any of this and it drives me nuts because my brain is going a million fucking miles an hour and I'm not manic This is just how it is

Didn't even go get a fucking tattoo like other people do when they are just trying to deal with stress

I don't even feel like I fit in with anybody or anywhere

I mean that's been my entire life

I don't even know who I would be or if I could even build a character and then act like that like everybody else seems to do

Because people who are neurotypical all look and act like they're sticking to this unspoken script and I feel like an outsider observing them being like WTF WHY DID THAT TAKE 8 STEPS IT COULD HAVE BEEN 2. Or WHY DO YALL JUST ASSUME SHIT AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS THAT MAKE NO SENSE like Why do people ask how other people are doing if they don't want to really know why is it that we have to just go oh just living the dream I'm fine why can't I just tell people what's actually going on why is this a thing I don't understand

I'm also terrified that people are trying to make me somebody I'm not that I probably could never be like

It feels like accounts of people who have gone through gay conversion therapy and shit

Like you can't make a neurodiverget person neurotypical it doesn't work that way and I get so tired of people trying to force neurotypical ideas Unto people who don't think that way

I don't know how to explain this to people anymore I just feel like I'm repeating myself over and over and over and over again and I might as well talk to a fucking brick wall because that might be more intelligent than people just fucking ignoring what I'm saying

I would love to be able to go outside right now in the dark and go on a walk by myself unarmed without having to worry but no I can't do that because shit is dangerous and I'm too scared to leave my apartment half the time

I'm exhausted I'm absolutely exhausted and so fucking mad

And I'm tired of being mad I'm tired of being resilient I'm tired of being everything that I'm not and not knowing who I am

I'm tired of trying to fit in and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere I don't even feel like I'm the logger I feel like it was a mistake that I was born

I want to talk to my schizophrenic uncle so bad and nobody understands everybody thinks that I'm going to ruin his progress or whatever and to leave him alone but he doesn't think of me that way he doesn't think that I'm a bad person that's out to get him or anything like that I've been the only person in his life and he's been the only person in my life that actually understands what I go through And I understand all the shit he went through if he's even still identifying as male because my dad gave me some sort of hint that he was in Transition but I don't know that for sure because no one will talk to me about it and I'm mad as hell and if I knew where he lived I would call him and I would drive there and visit him for a weekend if I could afford it

You know I get tired of this being there for myself all the time

I have been alone a lot of my life I have been isolated and abused and alone constantly and the only piece I get is from now until like 5 AM in the morning I get quiet and peace if there's not some crazy ass shit happening outside of my apartment in the middle of the night

When I set next to my dad on the sofa I could feel his energy I could tell that he wanted to jump across that sofa and hurt me and I could feel it I know that his body language might not have said that but he knows how to do body language and all this other stuff because he doesn't want to get caught and get in trouble

Like you have no idea how manipulative both of my parents are and they say they love me and they care about me but why did they do everything they did to me then and why do they continue to treat me like shit and why do I still love them and feel like I have to fucking make them happy and help them and do all these things that everybody else does for their parents but their parents aren't psychos

And I don't care if my language sounds combative or defensive right now I don't give a single shit

Maybe people should have thought before they fucking spoke

Maybe people shouldn't have molested me or raped me or held a gun to my head or hurt me or made me strip to check me for hickeys and then denied doing it and then admitted to doing it and then denied it again and then admitted and then denied and then said that they didn't remember it all maybe it was super inappropriate for my father to sleep in the bed with me growing up and I don't know if he ever did anything to me or not because I don't really remember much but him and my mother fighting all the time

It was super fucking inappropriate for my mother's father to fucking molest me

Was super fucking inappropriate for everybody to just tell me to get over it because he was drunk

It was super fucking fucked up that I had to be at his funeral

If he had a grave in the ground I would go and piss on it Unfortunately he's in a mausoleum and I can't do anything about that

I can't do anything about the people that raped and attacked me when I was a teenager

I can't do anything about the men that walk past and grope me

I can't do anything about fuck all

Because nobody believes women not until it happens to them do they believe you or even worse they don't believe you and it happens to them and your story is still not important

I had teachers tell me that I was going to go nowhere in life and completely fail at everything

Just because they got annoyed with me Because I didn't understand stuff

Not even just one teacher I had another 1 that literally had me screaming crying shaking under a fucking water fountain when I was in elementary school because she just wouldn't leave me alone because I went to the library during lunch too much and she wanted me to go outside and get some sun and I was not supposed to be in the Sun because of medication I was on and I flipped out at her and I cursed her out and I flashed out and all I remember is My home room teacher coming out and telling the other teacher to back off and leave me alone and even she had to sit with me for a while and I wasn't very nice to her in reactionAnd she's dead now and I don't even remember what her name was but she was the only teacher in school the meeting was that everybody thought was awful to understand that I was having problems at home and she could do anything about it

Every close friend I have ever had has left me behind for other people or died

My father hit me in the face and broke my fucking nose in high school that's why my nose is crooked and I had blood shooting out of it right and my mom didn't call the cops because she didn't see it happened and I got told that everybody would lose their jobs and we would lose the house if I called the police

And I went to school with 2 black eyes because that's what happens when your nose gets hit 13 times your eyes get blocked as well

And I told my teachers you were mandated reporters and I told my friends and I begged for help and no one did anything

No one has ever done anything no 1 has taken care of the problem I've tried I've tried so hard to make everybody stop hurting me

just keep hurting me they just keep hurting me in every way that they can

It's not fair and I know life isn't fair but shouldn't it be just a tidy bit fair it seems to be fair for people that have the money for it to be fair it seems to be fair for people who have well-adjusted families it seems to be fair for people who don't have auto immune disorders

And you know it's probably because of abuse and stress I had as a child that I even developed an auto immune disorder it might never have been triggered but we don't know I can't prove that

And I don't understand why my parents think I'm trying to control them what do I have to gain what do I have to gain from trying to just control them to the point that they act paranoid like I'm gonna ruin their lives or something

I don't understand that I don't understand why they even think that I think that way

My parents fucking think that I have like this evil mindset when they're mad at me they're just like you think this and you think that and you this and you that just gasliding the fuck out of me

And they just act like overgrown children and they act like they have different personalities themselves

And I hate this I fucking hate it

Why was there no Justice for my father hurting me and I got a legitimate injury from that

Why was there no Justice for my sister's bullshit and hurt attacking me and starting the whole thing to where he got up and hurt me

He could think he said he could think and he was fine and then he used the excuse that he was fucked up on meds after he did it and then he apologized to me on text but then several minutes later called my mother and told her that I was a psycho and all this other bullshit crap

They fucking talk out of both sides of their mouths and they talk about me behind my back and they trash me and I know that because my sister has listened to it and I have also caught my sister trash talking me and I don't understand I'm not a bad person I don't do horrible shit to people

I fucking could

Nobody understands that I could ruin people's lives I know everybody's secrets because they all tell me their secret bullshit

Do you know how much powerful information I have about almost everyone I know and even acquaintances and even random people who run the state people who are prominent lawyers people who are billionaires people who live in other countries who are important I know lots of things about all these people because they confided in me about really fucked app shit they did and I'm really good generally at keeping secrets and I could fuck everybody's world up and I choose not to

But I'm getting very tired of being nice

But being mean really isn't fulfilling to me

And everybody is like you should be meaner you should be more assertive you should be a bitch and I'm like no you know I would rather not

I mean I've tried to build my own character to understand myself and explain myself to myself which is such a mind fuck because how am I talking to myself when I'm my brain

I mean why does any of this matter the universe isn't even locally real and I understand what that means and that's pretty wild and I don't think anybody else thinks about shit like that and understands the gravity of everything

And I don't care how insane my journal writing looks I just I don't give a fuck you're getting unfiltered brain thoughts because I've got thousands of them just buzzing around in my head and it doesn't shut up until I can have medicine for my ADHD and then I get complete silence or if I smoke enough weed my brain shuts up and I just have stoner thoughts

I'll give you a stoner thought I had the other day

For instance why in the world canfellen's not own guns but a felon could become president and have nuclear launch codes is it that like you know the biggest gun of all

What the fuck is wrong with this world

Sometimes I feel like I was just a soul that was happy on the other side and got shot into a body and shot down the Earth and born and I don't feel like I belong here at all

I mean it would be great if a medicine would solve all of my problems but I've been on everything we've ruled out every fucking diagnosis except for a associative disorder of some form or a personality disorder not specified because I'm not BPD

BPD is what I was diagnosed at before they figured out I had complex PTSD and BPD is a bullshit umbrella diagnosis that they give women who are hystericalProbably just have complex PTSD and poor emotional regulation and they just have it learned to fix that but they're being treated for something they don't even have so of course the therapies not going to work and they're not going to get better

EMDR helped me but I was always furious after the sessions

I was mad because of the injustice

And I don't like therapists that are super hard on me because I'm really hard on myself and I need someone to be gentle and handle me with fucking kid gloves because that's what I respond to I respond to gentle

I don't respond to patronizing gentle bullshit or being chided or I don't even know how to describe it it's a certain way that every single therapist acts when they think they have you pinned for whatever but it's wrong and you know that they're wrong but they don't think they're wrongI don't know how to explain it at all

I'm really pissed off that I went non verbal

I really hate getting that way

But everything gets so fucking overwhelming

And I just shut down completely

And I can't remember things that people tell me and I can't even make a grocery list today I made a fucking grocery list and I left it at home because I auto piloted myself to the Asian supermarket to get groceries there why I don't fucking know I just did

I mean I got stuff but it cost almost $200 and it wasn't even that much food

I don't even need that much and everybody thinks that I'm lying about that because I'm a big girl but my metabolism is wrecked I had to be on steroids for a large portion of my life

Steroids fucked with everything but it was the only thing that was going to keep me alive and make me build muscle because I don't think you understand that you're mad at my aside as eats peoples muscles your immune system starts to just Nibble away your muscles till they're almost fucking gone

I could not walk

I had to learn to walk again I had to go to speech therapy I had to go to therapy to be able to use my Hands and move in general

I have been through every sort of physical therapy that exists

I've been into huge scary fucked medical studies that Ted Kennedy ran at NIH or he funded it

That's really weird I'm still bothered by that I'm always going to be bothered by that I want my fucking files from all of that I want to know what the hell they did to me

You know I look at pictures of my brain on disks because I've had so many Mr i's and I notice things and I'm not a radiologist so I cannot diagnose myself but there's a lot of stuff if I look at that and then I look at a normal brain it doesn't look right

Like the middle part of the brain that sort of looks like a butterfly and looks like a big empty space yeah mine is huge and not connected in the middle correctly like I'll have to show you it's weird

And I have asked doctors about this and they're like oh sometimes people just have that or people with schizophrenia have that and I'm like oh great wonderful

I don't want another goddamn diagnosis of something that's gonna be on my chart and have doctors be like oh my God what the fuck but I also do want to know what the hell is going on so at least I am aware

And Doctor Todd used to tell me that I was too smart and that I was too observant and that other people didn't like that and were not gonna respond well to me and we're gonna act threatened and he explained all this to me he explained how my life would be if I continued to just be myself if I didn't figure out a way to just act differently and settle with some guy that I could tolerate in order to just get the hell away from my parents because he knew what was going on with meAnd he knew that I am so handicapped that I would need a fucking safety net of money in case me trying to sell art or whatever it is I wanna do failed

And he asked about me what is death bed

And it hurts because I feel like he cared about me more than my own family ever did

I feel like I'm just a giant fucking burden to everybody

And I hate this time of year because I don't know what happened to me this time of year because the body keeps the score and so does parts of the brain and from this point in time till my birthday I am a wreck every fucking year and I don't want to be but I am it's just every year this happens

Every year I just get more and more and more stressed out than closer I get to Birthday

And then most people forget my birthday or they do something shitty

And I just want to celebrate my birthday and have a nice party and it's important to me and people are like why don't you just have a normal day I don't do anything for my birthday well you know you didn't have to fucking fights to survive

That's why I celebrate my birthday because I am still alive

And there's lots of people out there that have succumbed to the PTSD and not made it out alive and I am still here

I don't want to be here but I'm still fucking here

I hate it here I wish that aliens would come and abduct me and take me far far away

I don't care if it sounds stupid I don't feel like I belong here I don't feel like a person

I just feel like I'm a mirror or a masking and then I don't know What I am or who I am when I'm not doing that I have an extremely poor sense of self and I don't know how to wrap my brain around creating my own ideas of myself and describing myself to other peoples it's a nightmare

I mean I'm still trying to get the diagnosis of BPD removed from our lady of the leg's records

I'm not even changing that that one's funny that typo is funny

I'm sitting here yelling at my phone crying and that was ridiculous

I mean is there such thing as being too smart and aware and logical or whatever is there such a thing is that what is ruining my life and I just over analyzing everything in my worrying too much what the fuck is it that I'm doing that I'm not in control of because it seems like there's something neurologically going on that no one has been able to figure out

And I haven't been able to see the kind of specialist I would need to see to figure that out

I do know that my dad's side of the family has a history of really weird mental issues and not schizophrenic disorder or it's a frontier like my uncle has that one's just out of the ballpark popped out of nowhere because my grandmother and her son of the family didn't have issues like that and neither did my father's side that I'm aware of but it seems to be like there's been a lot of cluster b type disorders

And then on my mom's side there's a lot of cluster b type disorders that nobody will admit to having but it's blatantly obvious

But I had an uncle a great uncle and he had some sort of mental issue and he died early because ofbut and I don't know how or why or what that was about but nobody talks about it

And that's another thing I take issue within the South growing up here being native to hear everybody doesn't want to talk about anything everybody wants to sweep it under the rug and not look at it no one wants to look at what's wrong everybody just wants to Push the weaker people out of the way or the threat out of the way and carry on with their lives like nothing is even going on no one wants to deal with it

And when I was growing up on one side of the family I was to be seen and not heard and that was dad's side of the family and on the other side of the family I was encouraged to do art and to dance and put on a show for everybody

And it was not good for me

And I missed my grandmother's I wish they were still alive I would go live with one of them

Because they understood me they knew they fucking knew that my parents were fucking insane and they tried to talk to my parents and they tried to tell my parents to stop being awful to me and my parents didn't listen because my parents had grudges against their parents so of course they're not gonna listen

My dad before I had my diagnosis where I had my diagnosis and all the people that were adults in my life before I had a diagnosis of the dramatic site as used to tell me that I was just faking it for attention and that I was a liar and being called a liar is one of the biggest triggers I have because I'm not a fucking liar if I want to lie I will but I don't lie like that I have a hard time lying about 99% of things and sometimes my brain makes an exception depending on the predicament and if it's for survival or something

Also on my dad's side of the family there's lots of gay people and it was all covered up my father even experimented in college and everything and I had to hear about that as a child my mom would get angry and just shit talking to me

They should have never gotten married they should have never had me I should exist and I don't mean that in a suicidal way I just I don't belong here

I really just don't feel like I belong here and it's not in a depressed way or I want to die sort of way even though those are interesting thoughts I get sometimes but it's not like anything I experience experience usually

I just feel not human

I feel like I'm in the wrong body all the time like how did I get here why am I in this body

Sometimes I'm like who is this bitch and her family why am I here sometimes I just want to be a little kid and buy toys for myself and stuff and I can't do that cause I can't afford it isn't I get really sad because I have adult money and I should be able to use it for whatever I want and sometimes I remember I have free will and I think about going and just buying an entire birthday cake for myself when it's not even my birthday but I never do that because why it cost you fucking much

There's a lot of typos that say you when they should say other words and I'm not going to fix that I hope that you can understand it because I've done it too many times through Text-to-speech because I can't type as fast as my brain and mouth go

I just I want to go home and I used to repeat that Uber and Uber and Uber when I was young and upset when my parents would be screaming at 1 another I would stick my head between the couch cushions and I would scream for them to stop and I would repeat I want to go home and I would Rock back-and-forth and I would tell them to stop and I would plead with them to stop and they would tell me to fuck off and go to my room and I would sneak out of my room and stand at the hall door and peak and watch them argue because I was terrified that they were going to kill each other

The things that I heard my parents say 21 another growing up is nothing anybody should hear at the age

One thing that my mom used to say as a funny story is that 1 day I was like a little tiny kid and 1 of the first things I said was you old buzzard because my mom was calling my dad a bastard

I mean I don't see how that's funny at all

I don't think it's very funny that some strange man at 1 of their little Christmas parties at 1 of their little friend's houses made me put my mouth on his Dick when I was a tiny child unless that happened somewhere else

I don't think it's too awesome that I was locked in a closet and my mom found a whole bunch of kids wandering around with no adult and me locked into closet gasping for air under a pile of pillows

And those were the same people that did things to me and I can't prove it because she took me to the Doctor to get me checked out and there was no sign of it but I remember it It's something that I can't talk about in detail it's very foggy but I remember things I remember strange men I was 2 years old

And I was secretly hyper sexual growing up as well and it was shamed for it just a point where I was scared to touch myself and then I became hypersexual again when I went to elementary school probably about middle school and it was weird

And then I was not exactly hypersexual in the fact that I would have sex with everybody and any of these instances but in high school was a thing where I would flirt with entirely to many people and full around with people and get myself in situations where bad things happened to me and I guess that's not really my fault that's just the fault of the other people and the adult that was supposed to be watching us

One reason me and Justin didn't work out is because he was the first person that ever went down on me and I was like 15 or 16 years old and the friend's mom who was there encouraged us to go do that she encouraged me to suck another guy's Dick once and sat there and watched

She would take her giant fat tits and lift up her shirt and press her tits against the window when she would like get out of the car right before she would undo child lock and let all of us out of the car because she thought it was funny she was the most inappropriate adult she would make us bring 20 bucks for pizza and then buy us whatever alcohol we wanted if we gave her the money so she could buy herself a carton of cigarettes And then get us like one pizza to share it was fucked up and I should have been out there hanging out with Travis and all the other people on Carlotta street instead of hanging out In a grown adult's home with people who I thought were my friends who were just taking advantage of me

And the thing is my parents thought it was safer for me to be with the person that had their mom

Instead of hanging out with a bunch of people my own age who were just moving out and living on their own and going to college while I was maybe a little bit younger but should have already graduated

I mean I couldn't get homework done because I was always in fight or flight or freeze at home because my parents would be arguing and then I wouldn't be able to sleep and I can't tell you how many medicines and drugs that doctors tried on me to fix me because my parents were unhappy with me I mean it's possible it's completely fucked my brain up and it's not repairable I don't know I'll probably never know I don't know how much can be fixed in how much I am capable of and how much I'm just not capable of

I've never had official testing done for my autism other than doctors going yep you seem to be autistic and it makes sense to me and I think self-diagnosis is pretty fucking valid but I don't know where I am on the scale or range or spectrum I don't I don't know all I know is I have an easy time doing a lot of things in a very very hard time doing other things that should be easy

And I have an easy time helping other people but I have a very hard time helping myself or getting help for myself but I have 0 issues trying to help other people if I have the bandwidth

I mean I don't even feel like I was born to be a daughter and be treated like a daughter I just feel like I was born to be an accessory and then they got bored with me and I didn't grow up and turn into what they wanted and now everybody resents me and tells me what's wrong with me and I have to fix myself but they can't be held accountable for their bullshit and they don't do anything about it they say that they're gonna hold themselves accountable but then they never do anything about it they apologize but they never show me any changes

So why should I be nice to them why should I care why should I even try

Because they pay for my apartment in my phone and my internet and various things

I don't feel like I owe them anything

They've done enough to me

They've isolated me enough I mean I don't know what else they want that they want to lock me up in some long-term facility so they don't have to talk to me or deal with me I mean what the fuck

What do they want to put me in a little studio apartment and then just disown me

It's just fucking I don't know how to explain this

I'm not a spoiled rotten brat I have never asked for all the tremendous amounts of things that my parents have decided to just give me I don't like surprises it actually throws me off big time and I have giant freaks freakouts

Like absolute meltdowns and people always thought that I was having like a spoiled brat tantrum but no it's just I don't do well with changes I don't like changes at all I have things that I'm used to and ways that I do things and I don't like it when people try to control me And the thing is they do they try to control everything they dread a micro manage me and that happened to me my entire life and I don't want anybody coming near me anymore

And they have successfully fucked me up all of this has fucked me up every bad fucked up thing that has happened to me has ruined me

I don't know if I am able to be helped anymore

I don't feel like I belong here.

I want to go home.

I just want home.

I keep thinking I've found home and it's a lie

[sevikasleftpussyflap]

How would Sevika interact with an autistic reader? I wanna know could she deal with me:D

I love this one! I included autistic traits that I have (I have never been diagnosed, so not saying I am, sorry for the inaccuracies) but if there are some you had specifically in mind just let me know! Also reader works for Silco

The Undercity is full of odd people so Sevika can handle just about anything

When she first met you she did find it amusing that you didn't make eye contact with her, instead focusing on her feet or a spot over her shoulder

She barely got you to speak which she didn't mind. When the two of you were in a room together, it'd be a comfortable silence for her

The first time you spoke it scared the shit out of her, even though the only reaction she showed was he widening of her eyes

It was the same routine, you two in the break room and her re calibrating her arm like usual. The only difference was that you had asked her a question about her prosthetic

You flocked to her as she started explaining, taking an unusual interest in the mechanics of it. You actually kind of make her nervous with that intense stare

So she's talking, and you just interrupt. Butting in with an "Actually-" and telling her how her own shit operates. She is not amused but you do not take the hint

It bothers her that when she checks with Singed, you turn out to be right

Now you just latch onto her, gravitating towards her like a moth to light whenever you see her

Once she mentions something you're interested in, you're going a mile a minute. She can hardly get a word in but she's honestly kind of... fascinated. Not with whatever you're talking about, that's boring as shit, but she's smitten with how overexcited you get.

You realize you've been making prolonged eye contact during a rant and you start glancing away. She'll step back into your line of sight with a smirk. It's cruel, but she likes it when you're flustered.

If you're really good at masking, she won't notice anything until you get closer in your relationship

Honestly just thinks you're fucking weird

One of your quirks would be your hell-bent insistence on planning anything before doing it. You don't let her surprise you, at all. If she deviates from your usual schedule, maybe going to the bar instead of directly heading to the gambling table one day, you get STRESSED

Your hand will tug at her cape and then she's looking down at you, more specifically, your hand, irritated at the offending limb that's delaying her drink

"Um, babe. We go to the table first, then bar." You explain to her like it's common sense. She'll sigh, roll her eyes, head to the table just to sit down and stand back up before heading to the bar. "There"

The Last Drop overstimulates the hell out of you. She'll get you some noise-cancelling headphones or a booth with a drape to block out flashing lights

When you're anxious you complain as a coping mechanism. She knows this and asks "Do you want advice, or someone to listen?"

She'll also understand how masking can be exhausting for you and doesn't take it personally when your social battery runs out

When you don't want to be touched, you get very upset. It's not her fault because it can happen in a flash. You'll be fine up until you're suddenly not but it's hard to voice how you feel

You'll get bitchy with her and ignore/curtly respond to any of her efforts at making conversation. Surprisingly, she's very understanding and will give you space if that's what you want. If she needs to hold you, she'll do that too.

When you DO want to be touched, you're overly clingy. She'll be on duty trying to intimidate some poor soul and it's hard to do that with you hanging off her arm

Sometimes you're dogshit at understanding social cues. Which is a doozy because her tone is very dry 90% of the time.

Sevika needs to beat some guy unconscious for some reason so she hints at you to leave the room

"Why don't you get me some more whisky?" Everyone's tense. None are meeting the pleading eyes of the poor, stupid soul that decided to try and cheat Sevika at cards. Her glass presses against your chest but her eyes never leave the asshole who's currently pissing his pants. You eye her full glass. "That's already full-" "I'm gonna beat the shit out of this guy, baby." She'll say bluntly. "Oh."

Sometimes her teasing will become too much for you and she has to clarify that she doesn't actually want you dead

When she's injured, had a long day, you don't quite get that it's not the best time to be criticizing her habits

Sevika's arm is gone. All that's left is scrap metal and wires sticking out of an exposed socket. She's struggling to light a cigar and holds it out to you pleadingly. "That's the 10th one you've had today, I thought you were cutting back- sorry, sorry" She releases the most frustrated groan.

Or, "The metal seems a bit rusted here, Sevika have you been taking care of it?" and half her arm's fucking missing

You do not realize when someone's hitting on you and it drives her up the fucking wall

If you're in meetings with Silco, you have a bad habit of interrupting him but he's actually very patient with you aww~

If he’s in a bad mood, Sevika will clamp a hand over your mouth to keep you from interrupting him and turning that rage on you

Sevika's sarcastic comments fly over your head at Mt Everest altitude

Silco's leaning against the desk, smoking a cigar freshly lit by Sevika. "Hm. I guess we should just give into their demands then." Sevika huffs at the sardonic quip. "I'll tell my boys to stand down, let the shimmer go up in flames." "Guys, really? We have the numbers to beat them I don't know why-" You cut yourself off at Sevika's deadpan look. Silco has his cigar-holding hand pinching his brow between thumb and forefinger. "Oh, you're joking."

OKAY OMG you swaddle yourself in Sevika's cape and create a little sensory therapy swing for yourself one time when you're really bored at a card game

You'd be so still in there she'd nearly forget where you were

She'll sometimes not even notice you're tangled in it and stand up, there's a loud tearing noise and then you hit the ground

"What the fuck-" "Why did you move??"

You're both pissy until you sleep it off then it's like it never happened

[bruhstories]

switch

summary: you and yuji have been together for three years now, but on your anniversary night, you allow your own demons to come to the surface. pairing: ryomen sukuna x female!reader (itadori yuji x female!reader, too, i guess?) | aged up characters word count: 3.5k warning & content: cheating?? (is it cheating if it's technically the same body?), unprotected sex, creampie, slight dacryphillia, vaginal fingering, blackmail, reader is kind of an asshole? (can you blame her tho, sukuna is such a daddy ugh), bit of overstimulation, slight dumbification (if you squint)

a/n: i'm back, and i can tell my writing skill is getting rusty. i took a break and it's obvious with this fic, but i need to get my head back in the game. it is what it is.

Yuji was a great boyfriend. In all honesty, he was every woman and man's dream — funny, charming, attentive and, most importantly, caring. He cared about you so much that he always made sure to control his own personal demon. You knew about Sukuna, Yuji told you after a few dates, and you were well versed in Jujutsu Sorcery, enough to know that he was not someone you could mess with. But you didn't want to give up on Yuji, and stuck with him through thick and thin. After almost three years of the beautiful and fun relationship you two had, he asked you to move in with him since you were both adults now, and you gladly accepted, because after so much time, you came to love him, despite seeing Sukuna's outbursts during fights. That thing, that monster, was beyond terrifying, but you trusted Yuji with all your heart, and that was all that mattered.

Or maybe you were unhinged, maybe you wanted Sukuna to come to the surface. Maybe, deep down in your heart, you fell in love with the switch, with the raging, brutal frenzies that you happened to witness on the rare occasions when Yuji couldn’t control the King of Curses. Maybe you weren’t meant to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer, because, as opposed to your optimistic and good-natured boyfriend, you never hesitate to kill – human or curse. Sometimes it felt as if your curiosity surpassed your love for Yuji, and that was a horrendous thought. Surely, that can’t be the real you, right?

Today is your three-year anniversary, and naturally, you want to surprise your boyfriend, so when you come home from a mission, you stop by his favourite ramen restaurant, picking up something to eat, maybe even some dessert. You tiptoe inside when you notice Yuji napping on the couch, and after silently setting up the table, careful not to wake him up, you quickly change into something... nicer. Yuji doesn't really enjoy it when you show some skin, which sucks because you want him to show you off. Nevertheless, you respect him, but tonight is special, surely it wouldn't hurt if you wear a shorter skirt. And a low-cut blouse. And heels. Fuck it, you think, adding a pair of thigh high socks as well, maybe that would rile him up. As much as you loved him, Yuji was too gentle. You liked that about him, truly, but sometimes you just need him to give you a good fuck, which was impossible, no matter how much you begged him to do it. You watch your reflection in the mirror from head to toe, proud of your skimpy outfit, but you can't help but wonder if he might be upset at your choice of attire. Even if he prefers it when you're dressed in pastels, that's not you, the real you. "You look good enough to eat." Yuji's voice breaks your trance and you turn on your heels to look at him. He stands in the doorway of the bedroom, arms folded across his chest, but there's a strange aura around him, and you can't exactly see his face through the dim lights. "You like it?" Your ears perk up, happy that he's not bothered by the clothes. "I do. You should dress like that more often." He sneers, stepping closer to you. "Alright, what kind of prank are you pulling now, Yuji? You never liked these kinds of clothes." You lower your head, your luscious lips turning into a pout. His calloused fingertips grip your chin, turning your head to face the mirror, and that's when you see the black markings on his face. Fear paralyses your entire body, eyes widening in panic and anxiety. "He might not like them, but I do." His voice is lower than Yuji's, calm yet obscenely dangerous. "I- you-" The words get caught in your throat, and you can't take your eyes off of his reflection. You know for a fact there's absolutely nothing you can do to defend yourself from Sukuna without hurting Yuji, and that thought makes you feel incredibly small and downright pathetic. "Little lamb, do you have any idea how hard it's been for me to watch this ungrateful brat take you for granted?" His hand is still leaving imprints on your chin and cheek, the other travelling down your back. "To watch you lose yourself for him, of all people?" "You don't know me!" Lips open without a thought, and you regret every syllable that came out of your mouth. "Oh, but I do." Yuji, no, Sukuna sneers, that same hand that was once on your back is now on your abdomen, painstakingly slowly creeping under your blouse. "Everything he sees, I see. Everything he smells, I smell. What he hears, I hear. But I just couldn't touch what's mine. Until now." You feel him pinching your nipple, and you're ashamed to admit how good his skin feels against yours, his hot breath fanning over your nape. "'M not yours." You grit your teeth, manicured fingernails digging into the plush of your thighs to keep your composure. "There's one thing I can smell that he can't. Wanna know what that is, sweet dove?" He whispers in your ear, and it's dotting your skin with goosebumps. "Enlighten me." "Your arousal." "You're bluffing." Is all you manage to say before Sukuna spins you around, pinning you against the mirror. "Let's see, shall we? I bet you're dripping," he shoves one of your legs to the side with his knee, and you don't stop him, "I bet you you've fantasised about this, late at night, when this brat can't please you. He's well endowed, though, it's a shame he can't use his dick." "S-stop it, please. I love him." "Pardon me if I doubt that." "Please, sir..." Sir? How should you call him? Demon? Cursed spirit? Monster? "How about master?" Sukuna barks back, as if reading your mind sarcasm dripping

down his tongue. You can't stifle a moan when his teeth sink in the crook of your neck, and you know damn well that you want this, and that every word he uttered so far was correct. You have thought about Yuji switching with Sukuna, wondered how he would fuck you, make you chant his name, but you never told your boyfriend, you couldn't. It's sinful, disgraceful and disgusting. Instinctively, you grind up his thigh, tears of shame and lust pooling at your eyes when you slowly give in to the temptation. He's already bruised your skin, one hand toying with your tits, the other lifting your skirt up. It's too late to fight him, because you never wanted to fight him in the first place. You deepest, darkest wish is finally coming to life. "That's better." Sukuna licks his lips, and your half-lidded, glossy eyes land on his tongue. "Please, m-may I kiss you?" Eyes dart away, cheeks burning with desire and embarrassment. "How polite of you to ask." He coos at you mockingly, his face inching closer to yours before absolutely crushing your lips under his. You don't hesitate to partly open your mouth, allowing his tongue to slip between your lips. Fuck, he kisses you so good that your knees give in, and all you can think is that if he's such a good kisser, he's definitely going to fuck you dumb. And you want that more than anything. When he pulls away, you lick your lips, still tasting him on your tongue, and he tastes so much better than Yuji — sweet and addictive. "I really wanted to take my time with you, after all, I waited three long years for this. But you're such an eager little slut, aren't you?" "I'm n-not a slut-" You try to protest, but you can't fool him, especially not when he's pushing your panties to the side, fingers grazing over your slit. "You are a slut. You merely buried that side of you for a pathetic little boy who can't handle a real woman." Sukuna's index finger gently brushes against your clit, enough to have you weak and needy. "Don't worry, Y/N, you don't have to hide from me. You can show me what you really want." It hurts to know that Yuji probably sees and hears everything, that he will probably break up with you after this, but you're too far gone to care about his feelings when finally someone is paying attention to yours. Your hand travels up his thigh, palming his already hard cock, and the way he groans, throwing his head back is satisfying enough for you. It hurts to think that Yuji never appreciates this side of you, and it's more painful when you consider this to be cheating — it's still his body, technically, but it's not your loving boyfriend, and you're perfectly fine with that. He slips a finger between your folds, a quiet moan escaping your lips, and Sukuna knows you won't dare say no to him, or try to reason with him. He adds another finger, but he absolutely does not move them an inch, instead you automatically fuck yourself on his hand, gripping one of his shoulders for support. "That's a good whore." Sukuna praises you, tongue lapping at your collarbone, making you delirious with lust. "You want my cock? Want me to fuck your aching cunt?" It's impossible to refuse his proposition, instead you buck your hips, your fingers gripping his t-shirt and you know you might tear it if you keep this up. "Yes..." You answer him, voice soft and quiet. "Yes what?" "P-please... Yes, please!" "Much better. Get on the bed." Sukuna commands and you obey, skirt dangerously hiked up. You proceed to take it off, but he slaps your hands away, too impatient for such formalities. He did wait a long time for this, you understand that, and so you lay on your back, blouse unbuttoned, panties on the floor and legs wide open for him to take you. Oh, and he adores this sight, how you willingly give yourself to him, your dainty fingers spreading your juices around your cunt, eager to be filled. In those three years of being with Yuji, you got used to his cock, but seeing it now seems like it's the first time. Precum leaks from the blushing tip and your mouth begins to water just by looking at him, and

this pleases Sukuna greatly. "Tell me what you want." He climbs on top of you, hands resting next to you as your fingernails graze over his chest. "I don't wanna say it..." You avert your gaze, a crumb of dignity left in you because you know Yuji hears everything. "Oh, you don't?" He quirks a brow, brown irises bearing a hint of red. "Then you won't mind me killing the brat." This garners your attention, and you feel stupid because of course he would blackmail you. Do you care? No. Do you want Yuji to think you care? Yes. "Please don't hurt him." You look back at Sukuna, tears pricking your eyes. "Why shouldn't I? We both know he doesn't deserve you." "You're wrong, I love-" "This isn't about you loving him, it's about you renouncing your true nature." His hand finds its way on your neck, fingers wrapping around it. "How many times have you begged him to choke you and he refused? How many times did you ask him to fuck you harder and he said no? You're a filthy slut, Y/N, and it's time you got what you deserve." The lack of air has your pussy clenching around nothing, and you hate him so much for being right. Yuji could never give you what you want, but Sukuna can, and it's an opportunity you can't pass. "Now, I'll say this one last time — tell me what you want." He releases the grip on your neck. "Y-you! I want you to fuck me, please, fuck me good, make me yours!" The tears that roll down your cheeks ruin your makeup, mascara mixed with eyeshadow smeared under your eyes. The tip of his cock pushes past your folds, and inch by inch he bottoms out. It feels bigger than before, stretching you open in a beautiful blend of pain and pleasure, your lips forming an O as your eyes roll back. "He doesn't deserve your tears. But I do. Cry for me." Sukuna sneers, his broad frame hovering above you and you feel so small and vulnerable. Yet again you obey, allowing more salty droplets to run down your face as you wrap your legs around his waist, feeling him go deeper. "Fuck, 's big! Oh, god-" Sukuna's palm meets your cheek, a sharp, stinging pain bringing your eyes on him. "Focus, whore. Not god, not the brat, me." He grunts, hips rocking back and forth harder and faster. "Who do you belong to?" You don't want to say it, what would Yuji think of you? He's probably already disgusted, contemplating breaking up with you once he regains control of his body. Another slap pulls you out of your thoughts and you buck your hips against his. "Answer me." "I b-belong to you! You!" "That's right, you're mine. Don't worry your pretty head, little lamb, Yuji won't be coming back any time soon." He grunts with every thrust, and his reassurance is somewhat comforting, because, god, he fucks you so good, you would kill for another opportunity like this. His teeth sink into your shoulder, fingers bruising your skin and you're delighted that he's marking you. All that matters is that you're his, chanting his name over and over again, praying to your new god, and Sukuna is beyond pleased with his work of art. When he pulls out of you, you almost cry, because it feels like a part of you is missing, but he's a merciful god, he won't let his newly devoted subject famished. Flipping you over as if you're made of feathers, he thrusts back into your aching cunt, and you yelp at the feeling of being overpowered by him. Sukuna's stamina is off the charts, because while your legs begin to feel numb, he's fucking into you with such force and intensity that the damn bed slides on the floor. It's raw, the way he's defiling your cunt, and it's sending your brain into overdrive. Your spongy walls clench around his cock, and while he doesn't say anything, the simple fact that he's going deeper and harder makes you feel special. Squirming and thrashing under him, you're desperate for some form of validation, and so you lift your ass up, pushing it back against his hips with a delightful moan escaping your lips. Sukuna takes notice of your sudden change of posture, and the way you curve your spine to try and get a look at him is adorable. "You want something,

pet?" He barely spares you a glance, and his indifference makes your pussy flutter. Your incoherent sentence almost makes him laugh, words such as good and please distinguishable between the other stutters. "Use your fucking words." A slap over your firm ass makes you yelp and jolt up. "A-am I good enough f-for you?" The question takes him by surprise, but he doesn't stop to think. Instead, he digs his sharp talons into the plush of your hips, overjoyed by your eagerness to please him. "You could do better." Sukuna teases you, but you take it personally, sadness and determination coiling inside of your heart. By this point, you don't even remember your boyfriend's name, too high on pleasure to even care. "'M sorry! P-please, I wanna be good!" You throw your head back and he wraps an arm around your neck, pressing his chest against your back. "If you wanna make me happy, you best forget about Itadori." "W-who?" "Your– never mind." Sharp canines flashed in his smirk, Sukuna tilts your head enough for you to catch a glimpse of his eyes. They're dark and vicious, and any sane person would be repulsed by them, but not you. No, you drown in them, completely absorbed by the hatred hiding behind them. The more you stare into his orbs, the closer you are to your climax. And he knows it. "Fuck fuck fuck!" "That's right, little lamb, let go of all that is moral and human." "Don't stop- oh, god, please don't s-stop!" In your frenzy, in his frantic pace, Sukuna's close, too. It would have taken any other woman hours to please him due to his insatiable nature, but you — your cunt clenching around his cock for dear life milks him dry, and inch by inch he pulls out, watching the hot liquid dripping down your trembling thighs. Art, he thinks, this is what art is — your face buried in the pillows, ass up, and his seed spilling out of your sore cunt. You come down from your haze, slowly but surely, and the realisation of what just happened begins to hit you. You want to regret everything, to feel a shred of shame, but there isn't any left. After this night, Sukuna irrevocably owns you, and you wouldn't have it any other way. He lays on the bed, lazily watching you stumble in the bathroom to clean yourself up, but with his guard up in case you want to try anything stupid. Yet when you don't come back, Sukuna wonders if you ran away out the window, which makes him laugh to himself because he could find you anywhere if he wanted to. So, he drags his feet across the room, finding you on the edge of the bathtub, watching the water pool inside with a blank stare. When you feel his presence, you get up and tug at the hem of his shirt. The man flinches, until he remembers that you are harmless and exhausted, and you don't look like you even want to put up a fight, so he allows you to take his shirt off. "Is this for me?" He points at the tub, brow quirked and a mischievous smile on his lips. "Yes." "Are you gonna clean me up?" "Yes." You sigh, wondering if you truly ever loved Yuji, wondering why you didn't even try to fight for him. "Do you want your boyfriend back?" Oh, how you dreaded this question. You cringe at the words, and don't reply. Silence is also an answer, but he's cruel. "I need to hear it." "He will also hear it." Of course he will, that's the whole point of humiliation. Sukuna steps in the tub, dipping himself in the hot water, a hand extended towards you. "Join me." You hesitate to take his hand, lips pursed and eyes narrowed at the man who looks so serene that it amazes you how brutal he was before. "I won't ask again." Complying, and not wanting to anger him, you don't waste another moment to get in the tub, back against his chest. "Can I ask you a question?" "You just did, sweet dove." "Fine, I’ll shut up." "Now, now, don't give me that attitude, or else I'll have to put you in your place. And you won't like it." His nails are pressed onto your jugular, and you know those things can cut, your hips are still bleeding. "Ask away." He lets his hands fall on your shoulders and you exhale the breath that was caught in your

throat. "Why didn't you kill me? Why don't you kill me?" "I need a pet." "Oh." Your disappointment makes Sukuna burst into laughter. What did you expect? A confession of love? "Oh?" He mocks you, tracing circles on your skin with his talons. "Don't worry, I take good care of my pets. Especially if they're loyal and obedient." His hands travel down your body, one pulling your knee to the side, the other moving up your thigh. "You are loyal and obedient, yes?" "Please, no more-" The rest of the sentence dies before you can utter it when his fingers ghost over your swollen clit. "Answer me, Y/N." "I can't come again!" "You can, and you will, because I want you to. Now answer the fucking question." Sukuna toys with you, only pushing his index finger one knuckle deep between your folds before pulling it out, and somehow you can't feel the sharpness of his nails. "Will you serve and obey me, not once questioning my authority?" He pushes the finger back in, curling it upwards and you don't fail to clench your walls once more. "Oh, f-fuck, I will, I will! But please, I can't–" When he rubs your clit, you are done for. You didn't think you could reach another climax, but those circles he's rubbing with enough pressure to both give you pleasure and pain have you melting in his arms. "Swear it, then. Make a pact with me. I can give you anything in return, maybe even the brat." "I s-swear it, S-Sukuna! I swear my loyalty to you!" You hiss between your gritted teeth, hips rolling in synchronicity with his hand. "And in return, what do you want?" "I want you! Oh, god, I only want you!" "Clever girl." The man decides to give you what you want, and with a quickened pace, you squeeze your thighs together, coming undone on his fingers. "I'm going to enjoy your company." Embracing your true nature is your salvation, and damnation. Your boyfriend is never coming back, Sukuna simply won't allow it, and from this moment on, your memories of Yuji begin to fade away, like a bad dream, because you simply must serve your beloved master, your merciful and devastatingly powerful god. That's who you really are.

[oftenderweapons]

Stress Reliever  - Namjoon

Pairing: Namjoon x reader (nicknamed Vixen)

Wordcount: 3.9k words

Genre: smut, angst, fluff

Rating: 18+

Hello! As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ll be publishing longer scenarios which could actually be considered small one-shots. The first theme will be stress-relieving/angry sex (’cause let’s admit it, that’s one great way to blow off some steam and ease some tension) 

I’ll be following the official order, so I’ll start with Namu uwu. 

I don’t really think I need to say this is smut, and filth and an unedited mess. Let’s just move on to trigger warnings. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: swearing; unprotected sex within an established relationship (wrap it before you tap it, and please get checked for STIs regularly) lingerie kink, DADDY kink (like, how could I not) plus Joon is fucking packed and we all fucking know it, dirty language, allusions to cheating (but like, not really, how could one possibly cheat on daddy big dick Joon? Ha, not me), spanking, ddlg/bdsm dynamics, brat!reader, oral (female receiving, mentions of male receiving), peaches and cream (don’t look at me like that, how could I NOT do this) marking, biting, overstimulation and ruined orgasm (listen, daddy makes the rules, it’s not my fault, next time be less of a brat), cumplay, mild angst (lack of attention, abandonement issues). RIP to y/n’s deceased La Perla set. I suppose this is all? This is quite pwp, but not really. About 3900 words.

Also, here you can find my masterlist. Enjoy!

Your day had been phenomenal, your boss had complimented you and assigned you a new office as you joined your new team. You had celebrated going out for lunch with your new colleagues, getting to understand the dynamics and roles within the groups. Since you were given a free afternoon to receive a general briefing and celebrate your promotion you went off work earlier than usual, deciding to get yourself a nice new dress and some celebratory lingerie, all Italian lace and silken bows.

But your mood was sour. Namjoon didn't even bother reading your text, ignoring you all day, which normally would not bother you, but considering how hard you had been working for that promotion and how tired you were, but most importantly considering he knew how much it mattered to you, it really upset you. And you were meaning to make him pay for it. 

As you arrived at home you started getting ready, you bathed and did a face mask, hair all pretty and soft, fixed your nails. You felt gorgeous. Gorgeous and furious. Which was normally a very entertaining combination when you added Namjoon, who was currently absent without justification. He should have arrived home twenty minutes ago. 

When he finally came through the front door, you were lounging annoyed on the sofa. 

"Hi." 

You did not answer. And he didn't even notice, nor look at you. 

He went straight to the bedroom, got rid of his clothes and wore something comfy, going straight to the kitchen. 

"No dinner?" He asked. 

"I'm going out." He looked up to where you were sitting, a little baffled. 

"And no dinner?" 

"I called at the Garden, booked a table for two at nine. You could get ready in fifteen. It's on me."

His forehead creased. "I'm a bit tired."

You raised a brow. "I'm going out anyway." 

He huffed out. "Okay. Let me wear something decent."

Five minutes later he headed out, in jeans and a white shirt. He looked completely insane, the sleeves slightly rolled up, his hair pushed back. "Am I okay?" 

"You look divine." You were too turned on to deny him a compliment. "I'm sorry I made you dress up. I really wanna destress." 

His half tired look in his eyes had disappeared, probably thank to the brief shower he had taken. "It's good, baby."

You headed to the restaurant, his hand perched on your knee during the drive, his head heavy on your shoulder. He still hadn't mentioned your promotion. 

A nice waiter welcomed the two of you, he must have been new, considering you had never seen him before and you and Joon were pretty much two regulars there. 

He accompanied the two of you to the table, your hand reaching for your man, while he looked absolutely lost, completely disconnected from you. Even at the table you tried to spark a conversation but he was entirely unresponsive, only mentioning that he had been working on his new collaboration and he had been late because he had to meet the singer. The fact that it was a woman low-key triggered you. It's not like you were jealous, or maybe you were, but jealousy was a feeling you had felt before and you had always had the self control not to act upon it. However, mixing that mild jealousy with the disappointment of him not acknowledging your promotion and your special effort for your looks, together with his detached demeanour had you starting something you never thought you would have the guts to do. 

You started being excessively polite -- borderline saccharine -- to the cute waiter, asking for his name and behaving in an almost too friendly way, offering him nice smiles and sugary 'thank you's. 

Not that Namjoon seemed to notice. 

You were getting half an idea to gently grab the waiter's wrist and write your phone number on his forearm just to see what your boyfriend would do. 

By the time you finished your main course and got ready to close your meal with dessert, you were so upset you gave up on your usual tiramisu, telling Geonwu -- the waiter -- to hand you the bill. Namjoon seemed to get out of his bubble for a second, as you turned down the dessert, suddenly triggered by your strange change of habit. He must have really upset you, he thought as you gave the waiter your card and waited for the payment to be processed. 

A few minutes later you entered your apartment, kicking your shoes and heading for the bedroom. You hoped he would trip over your discarded shoes. Damn him. 

In front of the mirror in your ensuite, you started taking off your makeup, slowly undoing your hair. You hated him. 

He reached the bedroom too, standing in the door between your room and the bathroom, looking at you through the mirror. 

"I know what you were trying to do at dinner." He crossed his arms. "I don't like it at all." 

"I wouldn't have done it if you had payed attention to me." You took off your earrings and your watch. The necklace he had given you for your first anniversary. "But you were… Busy."

"So you wanted me to pay attention." He came up behind you, pressing himself against your backside. "Sorry thing I already knew you would land that promotion." He kissed your neck, slowly starting to unbutton the mother pearl buttons on your silk camisole. "So I thought I could keep you on edge and make you snap at me, make you so angry you would finally take all that tension off on me."

You held your breath as he nibbled at your neck. "And I know you were trying to rile me up and make me jealous just to get me to fuck you like crazy, uh?" 

He finished with the buttons and untucked your shirt, discovering the black lace corset underneath. 

"Was this part of the plan, little vixen?" He toyed with the strings of the undergarment, his sex now hard against your back. 

You nodded eagerly. 

"Then bend the fuck over cause Imma teach you a lesson." He lifted up your pencil skirt. "These are new, aren't they?" He said teasing the fabric. 

"Yes, daddy. I bought them for you." You just wanted him to snap, hoping that your submission would spark up his dominance. 

You saw a shiver ran down his spine. "So kind, but you didn't bend over yet. And this won't save you from your punishment." He said, pressing a heavy hand between your wing blades and pushing you down. "You know daddy likes giving you attention, so why didn't you ask?" 

"I didn't want to bother you, daddy." You already felt a whine in your voice, a petulant, bratty tone emerging. 

“I still don't get whether I should treat you like the brat you are or like the good girl you’re desperately trying to be.” Suddenly you felt the heavy smack of him delivering the first hit. You moaned out in relief and arousal. “You better keep quiet. You kept quiet while you should have told me you wanted me, so now that you wanna talk you’d better keep it down, brat.” he delivered another spank, making his point clear. “Understood?”

“Yes, daddy.” You lifted your head, your eyes rolling up from under your lashes.

He licked his lips and used his spare hand to hold your chin up high, so to maintain eye-contact. “Good girl.” He caressed your bum delicately. “Shall we say that you received your promotion at nine a.m., and now it's almost midnight. That makes it fifteen hours of you keeping it from me. Considering that you’re always so eager when I spank you I won’t include the first two blows I already gave you. Now hold tight because dirty girls like you don’t learn their lessons from soft punishments.”

By the thirteenth blow you were gripping the sink, knuckles white, face blushed with effort, a coat of arousal and sweat slickening your thighs. Namjoon’s tempo had slightly slowed down in order to softly brush your sensitive skin between a spank and another. “Come on, two more, ____. Enjoy them.”

He hit you with full force. Considering that you’d got used to the pain, your tolerance adjusting to his attack, he must have really put some fury in the last two. 

Now finally done with your punishment, he moved you slightly to the side, so to use the sink to cool down his palms. “Next time I should use a paddle. No use hurting my hands for punishing a spoiled brat.” Some part of you already felt a dark craving, moaning at the thought. He snickered at how hungry you always were for him.

He passed the cool skin of his hands on your glutes, offering you a small reprieve, taking care of you without giving any explicit sign of your punishment being over. You knew it wasn’t, and it didn’t surprise you when he hooked his fingers in your panties and dragged them down your legs, kneeling to unhook them from your feet. “Those don’t deserve to be ripped.” Now at perfect eye level with your slit, he couldn’t help but give in to the smell and taste of you, licking up your soaked thighs, nuzzling his lips against your sex, delivering one sweet kiss. “Can you take it like a girl good and make daddy happy or do you wanna slow down?”

He probably knew how exhausted your muscles must have been from the position you were into. However, you wanted it your way. “Make daddy happy.” You murmured.

He smiled like a madman, still between your thighs, biting one of the few spots that weren’t bright red on your behind. He raised to his feet, towering over your bent shape, his nimble finger undoing his belt and jeans, gripping his hard on and using the tip to tease your entrance. “Baby, you got me so hard, watching you take your spanks so well, your ass so soft, quivering like jelly. You should see yourself right now, baby. Looking like a wet dream.” 

He caressed down your shoulders, using his free hand to hold your waist. You knew he wouldn’t bend down to kiss you, that would be so out of character. And considering he hadn’t stretched you out, you also knew it would hurt. 

“Ready?”

You nodded. “Yes, daddy.” He offered you his hand in your own and you gripped it hard as he slowly sinked in. It took him half a minute to bottom out. A deep groan followed. “So good, babe.” 

You released a heavy breath, squeezing you inner muscles lightly. “Woah baby, fuck.” He swore viciously, carefully beginning to roll his hips, both his hands on your waist, one of yours joining there, reaching for his fingers, craving for a small sign of affection while he was being careful not to hurt the bruises already forming on you ass. His thrusts were slow and deliberate, looking for the smallest sign of discomfort on your face and posture. Once adjusted, you arched further, allowing him a shift in angle that had him hissing and throwing his head back. His beautiful, dark hair followed, catching your attention in the mirror. His chest, still covered in the shirt, inflated, straining the buttons on his sternum. You would have done anything in that moment to kiss the small triangle of skin appearing at the base of his neck. 

Now newly focused, his eyes opened and fixed on you, while one of his hands moved to your breast, still covered in the corset, toying with your nipple, then gripping the flesh with his big palm.

“Joonie,” you dared murmur as his pace intensified. 

“You good baby?” He slowed down again, in fear he was hurting you. 

“So good, Joonie, I just—” You shut up a second, needing to focus before you continued your sentence. “I wanna cum, daddy.”

“It’s okay baby, let me take you there.” He made you turn your face and caressed your cheek tenderly, using his other hand to reach between your thighs, drawing taunting, tight circles on your clit, with just the right pace and pressure. God only knew how he did that. 

“Keep squeezing me baby, so close.” He gripped the back of your neck for leverage and his thrusts got stronger and faster, you completely losing it over the way his hips stayed closer to yours and pushed harder, pulling out just an inch before plunging in again. 

Your orgasm washed over you with sweet relief and you were sure it would have gone on for a bit less than a minute hadn’t Joon pulled out of you, his hand still toying with your clit, his vicious fingers way too skilled not to know how much he was affecting you -- and how wrong it all felt. “Joon, inside!” You cried out, barely coherent, only now noticing in the reflection that his arm was moving aggressively, his lower lip caught between his teeth before it slipped out, his jaw angrily clenching in a way that made you want to turn around and suck him into oblivion. 

“This ass still needs something.” He spat out through gritted teeth. 

Your mouth opened in wonder as you felt him press his tip to your skin, his hot flesh turning even hotter when he groaned out almost desperately, one hand still on his shaft, milking out his cum. 

“Do you like that, daddy?” You teased, wanting nothing but his fucked out babbling to praise you. 

“Love it, vixen, you nasty little fucker. I’ll put a damn ring on your dirty finger someday.” He muttered, his high almost over, the hand on your mound parting your labia before he slipped in sloppily, some drops of his orgasm ending inside you, while the rest made a sticky mess between the two of you.

He crumbled forward, mouth at your neck, his spine arching up away from you as he kept pushing his hips against yours, chest deflating with heavy breaths. One of your hands removed the fingers still massaging your sex into overstimulation. You were both a sweaty bundle of limbs, exhausted and brainless. 

“I’m so in love with you, ____.” He whispered in your ear. “My perfect baby.” The hand under you slipped to your chest, helping you handle the weight of your upper body. “Can you wait like this a couple seconds? I need to clean you up before we make a mess.”

You nodded sleepily while he stretched towards the closest towel, wetting the cloth under the tap and placing it against your skin as he slipped out. The arm under you helped you rise up, his mouth immediately kissing your cheek. 

“Did I go too hard?” He asked, his free hand touching you in tenderness and devotion, stroking your heated skin. He used a clean corner of the towel to swipe the dirty spots on your behind, then cleaning himself roughly.

“It was amazing.” Your head propped on his shoulder, your neck stressed because of your previous position. 

“Let me take you to the bathtub and ease out the knots on your muscles, yes?” He discarded the cloth and turned you around, kissing you softly and fondly. “I’m so proud of you.” He kissed you again. “You’re amazing.” He pressed his mouth to your forehead, “and now I wanna take care of you.”

He took off your corset with care, knowing how sensitive you were, but also how tired your body was, incapable of handling any violent push and pull to undo the garment. 

“Tell me you didn’t ruin it.” You said, voice imploring. 

“No. I was careful. I still regret ruining that La Perla I got you for your birthday. The colour looked so good on you.” He blushed, completely oblivious that two minutes ago he had been an unbelievably sexy, self-confident man spanking you and ruining your orgasm without the smallest hesitation. 

“I feel so spoiled, I took a bath this afternoon.” You murmured, thinking of all the wasted water. 

“Would you prefer a shower?” He asked, already closing the tap.

You nodded. Your muscles were sore but your conscience was still awake.

Opening the enormous shower he loved so much, he helped you sit down on the wide seat on the wall, flinching as the cold marble made contact with your bruising skin. 

Namjoon looked at you with wide eyes, feeling sorry for the pain you were feeling because of his selfishness. 

“Can I make it better?” He asked, caressing your face gently before pushing your hair back. His concerned tone made your insides melt. 

“I think that having a proper orgasm with your tongue between my legs would help.”

“You’re a spoiled brat. Never gonna learn.” He tried sounding angry, but the smile on his face told you otherwise. “You’re lucky I love you.”

You opened your legs wide as he kneeled before you. “You mentioned putting a ring on it, Joonie.” You teased, the inside joke between the two of you now sounding way too serious after he said it in that context, with that voice just an orgasm ago. 

“Careful or I’ll wife you.” He kissed your inner thigh, biting playfully. “Fill you up with babies.” He bit the other side. “Have you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.”

“Please do, kind sir.” You begged, laughter spilling from your mouth.

He positively laughed at that, his fit of giggles tickling your skin. You were overflowing with love for him.

“Sounds shady coming from a lady who was flirting with the waiter at dinner just tonight.” He started sucking at your skin, the tissue bruising easily after his harsh treatment. “Do you think I forgot?”

Here he was again: gone Joonie, welcome daddy. “I’m sorry.”

He laughed sarcastically against your other thigh, now just a couple centimetres away from your heat. “Do you think he could have done you like that?” His hand grasped your breast, squeezing it viciously. “Like I did tonight?”

“No, daddy.” Your mouth opened as he started rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Do you think he could discipline you?” He asked, his voice matching the love bite on the soft skin of your crotch where your thigh met your pelvis. 

“Of course no, daddy.” You repeated, shifting delicately in your seat to accommodate his mouth.

“Good.” He perched your legs on his shoulders, then his tongue licked your labia forcefully, your flesh and his adhering perfectly, the bridge of his nose rubbing your clit deliciously. 

The angle was difficult, and if it hadn’t been for the whole sink ordeal, you would have probably balanced yourself on your arms and used your hips to fuck his face midair, but from the way he was looking at you, you could tell Namjoon knew he couldn’t trust your body like that tonight, the risk of you slipping because of a lousy grip or tired muscles too high. 

Much to your dismay, he parted his mouth from your cunt, meeting your gaze. You loved seeing how blissful he got when he was using his mouth between your legs, his brain too focused to think of anything else. It was his go-to stress reliever.

“Hold tight. Be careful.” He said with intention, as he moved an arm behind your back and brought you closer to his face, making you plant your feet on the ground as he laid down on the empty floor. With some attentive adjustments, following his lead, you ended up straddling his face, his head luckily away from the stream of water falling from the shower head. 

“I need you to ride daddy’s face, little vixen. Show me how much you wanna belong to me.” He teased with a dark growl. 

“That sounds so good daddy!” You squealed enthusiastically. “I’m going to make you so proud.” You promised, smiling at him before his mouth latched on you, his arms snaking around your waist and dragging you down. 

“I’m so happy when you lick me, daddy.” You said, voice mischievous, while he enthusiastically picked up his pace.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world.” His tongue lashed on your clit mercilessly as he kept pumping your most sensitive part with the muscles of his cheeks, hollowing them with the force of his movement. 

“I’ll learn...” Your breath caught in your lungs. “I’ll be so good to you.” 

His hands helped you balance yourself attentively, chasing your high, until you felt your eyes closing, the room spinning around you and your hips moving on their own command, your climax already possessing you. 

“Daddy, please, that’s...” The breathiest moan exited your mouth, your arms collapsing, Namjoon’s hands on your hips the only thing keeping you from smashing face first against the tiles. He moved his head with wide sweeps upwards, accompanying you through your high. In the meantime you managed to readjust, your weight now again in control, you eased Namjoon’s arms, thinking of how tired he must be. 

You lifted yourself up, sliding away from his face, down to his lap. 

He was incredibly hard, once more, quite unusually. “Please, let me ride you, daddy.” You tried to persuade him. “I’ll do all the work.” You were literally batting your eyelashes at him. 

He laughed breathlessly. “How can I tell you no, baby, when you sound so nice?”

“Can I?” You pouted. 

“Yes, baby.” He groaned.

You were on him in two seconds, grabbing him, squeezing him gently in your palm -- at which he shut his eyes tight -- and holding his tip towards your entrance, sliding on it flawlessly. 

“You feel amazing, ____.” He breathed from his spot on the floor, still in the same position as you’d left him after your mind-blowing climax.

You moaned out at the sound of your name, going already pretty fast to make sure that you both came as soon as possible. Namjoon’s hands led your vicious pace while your hand, already toying with your core, made sure that you could come to the edge of your third high within a few minutes. “Joonie, tell me you’re close.”

“Keep going, baby, almost there. Use your-- oh that!” His mouth opened, eyes scrunched. “There!” 

You smirked naughtily as you worked him with your kegels, hips gyrating on him.

“Joonie, help.” You called out, noticing that his arms were going slack. 

Exhaustion was getting to the both of you, but as he pushed up, chasing his sensations, you felt the change of angle and in a couple seconds you felt his hot cum fill your every crevice, your own orgasm mixing with his as your upper body collapsed, mouth searching for his neck. “Joonie.”

“Here.” His arms wrapped around you, holding you close as your legs started shaking and giving out. “I’ve got you, ____ baby.”

Your nose brushing against the side of his jaw, teeth scraping gently against the vein on his neck, you let your body be lulled by his breathing. 

“Love, let’s finish this shower and head to bed, yes?” He caressed your hair back, lovingly.

You have little memory of what happened afterwards, except his weight beside you on the mattress, the lights switching off his heartbeat calling you to sleep.