#underhandedness shady mentally ill evil

[hanzi83]

An Adrenaline High of Mediocrity

You know with recent events, even as miniscule it may look like on the surface in plain sight, but you know the narcissist, paranoia, and mental illness I need to ride that adrenaline high and try to milk it for everything I can, and that never ends up being anything special because it makes no money, and when you are limited in that capacity, and live this sad and trivial life, I try to hang on to any sort of confidence boost, even if it is just for a couple of minutes, you can always count on me to feel good and to ensure the rest of the world that I am not an egomaniac that I try to conceal when this mental illness takes a bit of a rough turn, but I knock myself down a few pegs at behest of the world. I can talk all the shit I do, but the reality is I am in my parent’s basement and live in fear because I feel the powers that be have targeted me and purposely kept me out of commission so they ensure I am seen as the craziest person on this planet. I wrote about all the categories you can check off with me and the ones check marked are normally the ones that have the most stigmas to it. I feel like the show has made my life hell, and when someone brings me up to some extent on their platform, it is a little entertaining to me to see how Howard dances around the issue, I mean that is the least I can get out of it, since he could possibly making my life hell with his underhandedness, where it has made me completely resentful and jealous of others and not being able to trust people in my life, so I concoct theories in my head and the vultures out this know this about me, and putting it out there has to be my responsibility but I know these people will use it to their advantage and they will try to goad me into a response, they will be peaceful and then their true side comes out with their dirty tactics.

These people know I will not fight back the way they want me to because they are trying to get me in trouble or push me over the edge, and due to my feelings of them having connections in the elite world, even though it is an video show on the internet that a specific few are tuning into, even Howard didn’t acknowledge this guy and to me it felt a little transparent like it was purposely done, and now because someone on a show who introduced me to Wendy from the Stern Show feels I need to thank him and keeps goading me into a response. I did have a blast for a bit, but then when I did put two in two together I suspected they were my anonymous tormenters and what is truly sick about it, is how nice they are with me because whenever they tried to exchange wits with each other, I would always get the better of that person, maybe in my own delusional head, and after a major blowback happened. I have written about it in past blogs, but after a huge dispute and it getting personal, we made peace and I make these temporary truces because I feel like people I feel are mentally ill have this niche to specialize in drama, and because I have seen how Howard acts and the tactics that I suspect of him doing, I can sense a familiar situation happening. Not just on the surface, the way Howard talks, or how he vents like him, even his head and hand motion, even having a fucking microphone. He has aligned himself with a crew of yes people, and the more I noticed this, I just didn’t want to be part of it.

They will fuck with past contributors and play their meltdowns, or instead of making fun of someone back, they would call grieving parents of someone’s brother who died of AIDS, and part of me hopes that this shit is staged, because as vile and harsh as I have been to piss trolls off, I would never call someone like that, and then there are unconfirmed rumors these same people have called cops on people, or have sent food to people’s places. I don’t know what the other parties did to do that, because I think everyone involved in whatever feud is going on are all kind of scummy. I don’t fucking know. Now that I have given attitude about not wanting to go back, because I feel like much like Howard, when Howard wants to influence you to call in, he will send his trolls to harass people and then it creates content for the show, and this is what this guy is doing. He stirs the pot with it, and that nice guy act he has had where he maybe even sends people to send me screen shots so I react to the shit talk because any interaction and content for this show is what fuels this guy and he seems like he is incorporating old tricks of what Howard did. He is upset I taken him off my lists, and he hates that I didn’t call in to wish him a happy birthday after knowing I don’t like him playing my streams on his show so he can have some type of representation of me on there. Now I have to do these at the time and having to defend myself while he paints it that I am the one who is being a bully because when I have to defend myself I get on the defensive amplified. And now that he is done kissing my ass to get me back on his show, because he figured I would be crawling back, because he notices I wouldn’t care as much of the views like he does, and then his next move is to send people from his group to come in and stir shit up and even ask me questions relating to him so I keep this constant conversation going, and then he can claim I am making fun of him. He doesn’t need me yet he keeps putting my name in the titles of his videos, keeps the digital banner of my picture there, and then claims he doesn’t want me on the show, while his crew mock my stuttering and call me a terrorist. These guys can get away with all that because they have their connections, I presume, and they are allowed to bombard people’s space and fuck with them with organized harassment.

I get seen as a pussy for expressing it. I have to because then I will go insane and I refuse to be what the past have done with people dying from overdoses and suicides because they were in too much pain to express it. I realize I am not always in the most positive light and I have to take that responsibility, but at the same time and in the same breath I can also blame a system that allows this to go on for their organized chaos. I just have to express what is going on with this situation because I don’t know what these people are capable of and now that he has show what he does to other enemies on his show, he is now being obvious about it with me, and I always suspected this is who this person always was. He takes it personal, and these people can fuck with me because they are allowed. It is disturbing. I have contacted media outlets to warn about this person, but it is just a small You Tube show and now he has dialed it back a bit, but I have to keep an eye on it because people keep sending me messages about it, and they know shit talking gets me going and I give in to the drama. By nature I fancy my mediocre ass as a performer, even though I barely leave my fucking house, and rely on hanging on to my former Stern Show fame and just shoot the shit about television shows, wrestling and conspiracies but they won’t even let that happen.

They have been targeting me more on Face Book and allowing the most racist people on the planet function and harass me and then shut me down for fighting back to these paid trolls. I feel like they hate that I get views despite what Howard wants me to have, even if they are just a couple of hundred or thousand, deposing on how many people are contacted to harass me, and because I am not flipping out the way they want, they try to shut me down so I use the Periscope app. It is easier to troll on there than Face Book. I feel this will never end or maybe something will be revealed and people are just getting desperate to bring me back on. It is fucking messed up and these people have channeled every Stern Show emotion and tactic on the planet and exploits people’s weaknesses to throw back in their face if something negative happens. I never trusted these people, and they will keep pointing it out to get me to respond. The tone in this person’s voice when wanting me to thank him for Wendy giving me a shout out, how about no, I will give a shout out to the person that did it. I thank you for introducing us, but I also spent hours for 2 months for no money to try keep things interesting, and if I did my own thing you would flip your lid about it. It is like he has been practicing to be some Howard knock off and thinks going back to what made Howard cool in the 90’s and early 00’s and is bringing it back like he is some edge lord. I didn’t want to be part of that.

He puts people’s phone numbers out there who call his show, and rumors have it he keeps files on people’s personal information to fuck with them. I don’t know for sure but those are the rumors, and you can’t necessarily believe every rumor, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least, because I do expect people to be functioning by instructions at the behest of higher ups. It is a fucking scary game. And don’t worry, anything I have said in here you won’t take seriously because I am not credible. I can own that, but I can also point out other factors as well that happens to a lot of people, and they can’t even express it.

I won’t talk about these other people, but they keep popping up. They get off at any mention. It really is disturbing that they would manipulate the situation this badly just to create content. When your cheerleaders are just hyping you up and playing a long with all this it gives them this adrenaline high and I know this because I have been down this road with my life when I kind of started being on the Stern Show and I thought I had to mimic the funny dialogue or attitudes from the television, movies, or radio and I see it all over again and again. It is not that I am scared, I am scared of someone using their mental illness and then partaking in evil with it.

As much of an asshole I have been, I at least try to bring awareness to the ugliness of mental illness on another level, even if it means it becomes detrimental to my image or my personal relationships. Then I look forward to wanting to ask women out and then while I have some good rapport with them to some extent, I envision how I would end up pissing them off, and not being the success she would want me to be, and her friends would be warning her about me and her parents would hate her. I bought into this narrative that women dig a guy who acts kind of ignorant and doesn’t give in to their mind games and treat them like you would treat a guy. I know it is sad and pathetic, but you have to understand I never thought I would be here this long. I never wanted to because I think I peaked in high school to be quite honest, and when that was over, I felt like it was the series finale of my life.

People can laugh at my misfortune or how pathetic I am, and because I am kind of a public figure I can expect that, but I still have the balls to put it out there and maybe to my own detriment. How many times have I used detriment in this blog? This was the word I needed to beat into the ground, don’t worry I will go back to vernacular again so I can somehow feel like I am smart while having massive cases of cognitive dissonance and being conflicted about being able to remember and retain everything I have experience (d) and everything I will never be able to, because even though 34 is a young still, I feel like I have been here for 50, and judging by the grey in my facial hair I sure look the part. These people don’t like I am able to find a way to convey my message or express my insecurities, even if it is in my own personal journal, that I suspect they keep on and have some idea of my irrational thoughts to get off my fucking chest. They can track anything and everything you can do. If that hasn’t been proven yet, I would like to express that this is just a hunch. I am not Alex Jones and I don’t have the proverbial documents.

I feel like something is coming to an end with some of these people with their careers and it is like they need me to be associated before a certain time is done. I just don’t like being bullied into calling someone’s show to apologize to them when they have been secretly fucking with me, and then display the immature and juvenile behavior against others and not expect me to suspect that this could be done to me, and it has been kind of been confirmed when recently you keep talking shit and mocking me while I am doing my own thing. They want this feud to go on so it gives into their ego. I know I am not supposed to be relevant but I know I have some value in this world, otherwise they would have killed me by now, and people for some reason need me and then when I suspect I am being used, they then play with my mental illness that they claimed they cared about prior yet they use it as a weapon against me. They organize the comments to be made and who says them on their show. It is kind of like when Stern didn’t want to bash something so he would get his people to call in and do it while he acted unbiased about it. I have seen these tactics before man. And because so many people have felt the wrath of Stern, in my opinion, I don’t want to see others go down this dark path with their mental illness. People always present it pretentiously and then the cynical gets fueled with something positive so they can call these people pussies etc, while they are trolling for elite type and sucking up to them, while claiming they are sticking it to the man because they don’t like some celebrities for speaking on social issues.

I feel like I am going to continuously get fucked with and I believe these people are dangerous. I don’t have enough proof nor is this relevant enough for people to cover this, and it feels like these people want something to happen so they can just ask questions after the fact, when people could be investigating this shit but I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit surprised that even they are bought off too. People assume it is all a plan to get me, but I am just the few of many that are putting it out there, even though I am at a huge disadvantage when the system controls the narrative and have their minions earn that check by coming for your in any manner. They can spread horrible rumors about people, then pretend to be peaceful. It is fucked up. So keep saying I am not relevant but if I wasn’t you wouldn’t be putting on a purposeful facade to get my attention. It is really fucked up that you do this to someone for content. It is fucked up. Now I know officially I am wrong and I have no proof so don’t worry you will be protected for doing the shit you do on a daily basis.