#ummm whatever haha sorry guys i got too vulnerable

[boycritter]

would probably be easier to hashtag love myself if my own body wasnt a constant visual reminder of how bad shit has been and also actively is

[kingsdominionalumni]

The Princess and the Rat (part one)

Deadly Class fanfic, fluff, kind of angsty,  Reader x Billy Bennett

Warnings: mentions of abuse, prostitution, murder, blood, swearing

You’re new at kings, but not new to  the whole killing thing. Your parents sold you to a pimp who used you to kill “customers”. Master Lin found out about you, how young you are. Only fifteen and has a higher body count then most his other students.The only person you trust, the man Master Lin sent to find you, punk, green mohawk wearing Billy Bennett.

(First fic so this is probably going to be bad 😂🤷🏼‍♀️ Also the name probably doesn’t fit the story, but when I thought of it I loved it lol )

Word Count: 2023

Nobody. I know nobody. I have to get through my life day by day. I wish I had a normal life. When I was little I watched all these sitcoms about happy families sitting around the dinner table just talking about their day. The last time my family sat around the dinner table, halfway through dinner a man came into the house. I had no idea who he was. He gave my dad some money then my dad pointed at me. Tears streamed down my ten year old face as I yelled “Daddy! Daddy! Stop them!” my dad just turned away. A coward too weak to even watch what he had just done. The man slapped me in the face. Told me that was not my daddy anymore. Told me that Vinny was my daddy and not to call him Vinny either or I’d get hit like that again. Vinny told me I was special, that because of my age I didn’t have to do the same as the other girls. That he had a job just for me. He handed me my first knife and told me that everytime he needed me to I had to come with him to meetings. Because I was so young the men didn’t think I was going to kill them, Vinny said “Go give your uncle a hug” and when he said that it meant “Go hug that man and shove the knife into the back of his skull”. This went on for five years until now. Last week was my fifteenth birthday and Vinny called me up and told me that I was moving up. I was too old to fool the men and I had to sell myself for him. I didn’t mind doing the killing for him when I was little because at least then the men didn’t touch me, but now I’m done. It’s getting harder to hide. I’ve had seven customers this week and I did what I knew how. I took the money for Vinny, but after that I gave them my “hug of death” as Vinny called it. He doesn’t want me killing these men, I know that, but I can’t have them touching me, I can’t do this anymore. I have one last customer tonight, but after him, I’m out. I'm going for the big fish. Vinny. I will die doing that I know, if not by Vinny then by a goon after I finished him, but it would be worth it to kill that piece of shit. I have one last customer, a man they call Lin. After I’m done with him I go after Vinny.

———————————————————————————

“So, I can’t hangout tonight. Sorry dude, but master Lin has me on some mission to get this new student. She’s got some rep. She’s only fifteen, but has probably killed more than all of us combined.” said Billy to Marcus as they smoke their cigarettes up in the graveyard.

“Doubt it.” Saya said from behind him.

“Holy shit! Dude when did she get here!” This made Marcus laugh. Billy was always over the top, but in a good crazy way. “Well anyway miss perfect, I meant all us rats,” he motioned to Marcus, Petra, Lex, and of course himself  “We weren’t born into this shit. Anyway, this chick is posing as a prostitute and taking money from men and instead of doing… you know… she kills them. Lin said that she’s only been doing that shit for a week though. That before she was just killing them. No prostitution. She posed as a sweet young girl instead, but apparently she’s not a sweet young girl anymore…” Billy went on

Marcus interrupted  “Well it sounds like she really wasn’t that sweet. She also sounds like someone who could fuck you up, no offense Billy, not saying a fifteen year old girl could fuck  you up, but if she’s been doing this her whole life… it sounds like she can fuck you up.”

“Well she was told that Lin was her client and that he was old and shit, so when she opens the door and sees that it’s me instead, I think it’ll throw her off.”

“Wait so you’re getting a prostitute?” Petra asked, seeming all of a sudden interested in the conversation she was trying to ignore

“Oooh, is that jealousy I sense in the air?” Lex piped in

“Fuck off Lex, I’m just saying what if she has STDs or something…”

“Well, I’m trying to get her here so I won’t actually be sleeping with her, and if you actually listened to what I said about her before you would’ve heard the part about how she kills people before they even get the chance to sleep with her, so I’m pretty sure she’s STD free…” Billy realises it’s getting late “hey any of you know what time it is?”

“Six forty five” Marcus said

“Shit I gotta go.”

And with that Billy ran down the stairs, to the closest exit of the school and started down the road to the Coastline Motel

———————————————————————————

You sat on the bed of probably the grossest motel room you’ve ever seen.

“Glad this shit is done after tonight” you thought

There was a knock at the door. You go to the door expecting a old man, but when you open it you see a cute guy who seems around your age… You haven’t had to communicate with someone that young in a long time, you actually got a little bit nervous. This wasn’t who was supposed to be here. You’re honestly not sure if you can even kill this guy.

“Lin?” you say

“Haha okay well about that, umm well can I come in?” The guy asked you

You hesitated. This isn’t who you expected and you nothing about this guy, but for some reason you trust him… You have this feeling that he is someone you should know, and if you’re wrong and he kills you, well whatever. You step to the side opening up the door and letting this boy in. You shut the door after him.You notice him looking around.

“I don’t live here, my da-  boss is the one who sets up the rooms.” you blurt

Thoughts rush through your mind “Why did I say that! He doesn’t care. God dammit.” you think

“Hey it’s not that bad right? There’s a bed at least, some people don’t even have one of those” He says

“Well I didn’t think about it that way…. Ummm so since you’re not Lin… who are you?”

“Oh right sorry! I’m Billy, Billy Bennett.”

He reached out his hand for a hand shake. You’re hand feels connected to his before you even reach out, you start to reach for his hand, you pull away a little then finally you shake his hand. Why is this such a big deal to you? People shake hands every fucking day, but there’s something about him…

“Hello?”

You were staring off into some other world. How long have you been staring at his hand? Does he think I’m weird? Y/N what the fuck is wrong with you? You kill people, but this fucking guy is throwing you off! Get in the fucking game!

“Oh right umm sorry right, I’m Y/N”

“Wow that’s a pretty name”

“I mean I guess. It’s just my name… I don’t even know if it has any meaning to it.”

Stupid bitch! Why did you say that! You just made yourself so vulnerable

You continue before he can respond to that

“Well what the hell are you doing here? Why did you use a fake name? Are you here for… you know. Because I’m not going to just sit here and talk. I have other stuff… to do you know…”

“Oh right like murdering people”

“What the fuck did you just say”

You freak the fuck out. You grab him and push him up against the wall your arm on his neck basically strangling him.

How does this man know about that? Is this some kind of joke to him? Is he here for revenge? DId he know someone that  I…

“Woah okay okay, I didn’t mean it as a bad thing, calm down okay. I’m here to recruit you for this place where you’ll like fit in and shit, well maybe not fit in with everyone since you’re not a legacy, but since you are pretty badass..”

“What the fuck are you saying?”

“I go to a school that trains people to be assassins and the headmaster dude sent me to get you because he heard about you and thinks you belong at this school.”

“How am I supposed to believe you?”

“Let me go, trust me, you need to actually trust me. I’ll bring you there okay? Okay?”

You start backing off, still not fulling trusting him, but for some reason you feel like he’s telling the truth with no evidence…

He smiles “Good okay, you trust me. Well we can go to Kings and I can show you around and you can meet Master Lin, that’s where the name came from, he set this up, but thought it probably would be better coming from someone my age”

“Well if I’m honest, I haven’t really talked to anyone my age in a few years, nothing for real. Not a really conversation. The men who come in here they are fucked in the head old guys who think they can touch me. I haven’t even had my first kiss, but because of this shit I feel like a piece of shit. I’m nothing. I can’t go with you. This place you talk about sounds great for some people, but I can’t be there, I’ll probably be dead tomorrow and I’m okay with that. Go back to your Master and tell him that I’m not interested.”

You turn away from him. Not sure if you can trust this guy, once you have your back turned he could try and kill you, but after this it doesn’t matter. Everything is done tomorrow with Vinny. You need to kill him. You walk over to the bed and sit down. For some reason Billy follows suit and sits next to you. You look forward, staring at the wall not in the moment, but you can feel the man next to you looking at you. Why does he care this much? You turn to where you’re facing him. He has these beautiful blue eyes, they’re almost grey, but you can just tell that the shade of blue depends on his feelings. People with eyes that changed color like that always intrigued you. Do they know their eyes do that or is it just something that happens for the amusement of the outside world? Does he realize that his eyes look like that? Subconsciously you put your hand on his cheek. This makes him smile. Once you snap back into reality you pull away.

“I have unfinished business. I can’t go to your school until I finish that.” You finally say

“Well maybe we can help. What’s the business?”

“I need to kill someone, but if I kill him his people will probably kill me…”

“Is he a like the leader of a gang or something? Why does he have people?”

“Well he is a pimp. Pimp’s tend to have followers. His name is Vinny. My dad sold me to him when I was ten. He is the reason I’m in this situation. He is why your master is even interested in me. I need him to be dead. I don’t want anymore girls like me. He needs to be gone.”

“I didn’t know.. I’m sorry.”

“Why would you know? I literally just met you. I don’t even know why I’m saying all this shit to you…”

“Well I’ll help you. I totally understand shit dads. I had to kill mine because I wanted to protect my mom and little brother. Pieces of shit need to be killed. If my dad wasn’t a piece of shit I wouldn’t be at Kings either. I understand, so I’ll help you.”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading even if it was shitty lol. Part two will probably be out tomorrow as long as I have time to type it. I have school vacation until wednesday so I’ll write the whole time… also I’m going to keep posting parts even if people don’t really like it because I like it 😊

[gidgett]

Fresh

Hi blog, it’s been awhile. It’s possible I’m only here because I’m a bit bored. But more possibly, I’m here because I’m nearing freedom. And there’s been another change to discuss. And life has just been unexpected and I. Am. Loving. It.

Next month, although nothing is really going to change except the mind fucks, “P” will be over. It will be DONE. It will have been two fucking years of fucking distress. Distress that, of course, I brought on myself. But it will be over and I won’t have to look over my shoulders literally or mentally, thinking something more terrible is going to come up or happen. I don’t think anybody will ever realize how much this milestone means to me. I don’t think anybody will ever know how much my heart has been dying each and every day. Not that I’d ever really bring it up for kicks, or that I’d really want to discuss it if I didn’t find it necessary, but the shame in my heart has been at overload and it’s just hard to think about, let alone talk about. I’ve been trying hard to keep those thoughts at bay. To keep them there and keep them small, because every time I think about it, I cry. Every time I think about it, my heart hurts and squeezes and I am devastated all over again.

Somebody told me that I needed to learn to put the shame away. Because I made mistakes, and I have been working to right them. I have been told that I’m a good person, that I deserve the good that comes at me, that I have learned my lessons and everything I put my own self through during this time, was just that. It was just something that I put my own self through, but that doesn’t mean to say that that is who I am, that I’m malicious, that I’m not deserving of being happy.

Another somebody told me some time last year, that if somebody was to come into my life, and he was meant to be there, then he would understand what I had to tell him, when I had to tell him.

I’ve recently come across a somebody. Unexpected. Not my usual type of tall white hot guy. But. Somebody..who is pulling at every piece of me. I can’t explain it, I really can’t. Because I told myself after and during my last relationship that I couldn’t do shit like that anymore. I couldn’t deal with not seeing my dude on the weekly. I couldn’t deal with having to physically see him every few months. And it’s not like I’m saying right now that this is the one, this is the guy, this is the guy I could potentially fall in love with, who could potentially fall in love with me, this is the guy who could be the one who gives me the next part of myself. I’m not saying that. But knowing that there’s a chance for it, knowing that he comes at me every day, every morning, every afternoon, every night, he comes at me and he opens his heart, and he opens my eyes, and he reaches deep inside me and fuck he makes me laugh, he’s so hilariously funny, and he’s so sweet and so kind, and he’s overcome battles just as I have, internal battles, and he’s strong. He asks me what the hell I did to him, like what kind of magic spell did I cast to make him like me so much. Haha. I promise I did nothing of the sort, but it feels so good to know that he does.

The last month or so, before several days ago, he would always bring up me coming to visit him as well as him coming to visit me. He’d say something like oh I have to take you to so and so, it is such a great place!!! Or, maybe if things work out with us, then we can take turns visiting each other for weekends at a time, keifey included. And every single time he brought something like that up I’d have to say yeahhhhhhhhh ummm sooooooo....

Firstly though, yes, I do like him a lot. I enjoy his messages, I enjoy the phone calls. It took weeks for me to be okay enough to say ok ok ok you can call. But after I did, after talking on the stupid phone for 3 hours, the nerves were gone because he made me comfortable. He made me feel completely wanted and every single day, he just builds on that. He builds on my thoughts, he build on my feelings, he builds on my internal struggles. I did mention to him a few times that I had gone through something hard and wrong and painful. Something that had changed my life for the worse, something I did that I regret, that I hate, that I wish I could take back. Something that could possibly affect what maybe future we could have. Something big and wrong and if, in the future, I was comfortable enough to tell him, then I’d understand if he wanted time, or if he didn’t need time and just wanted to quit whatever we had, right away.

So. I’d been talking to him daily for a month. We had recently started talking on the phone, hours at a time, and I enjoyed it, really. I can’t remember the last time I had real conversations with a dude over the phone. Doing this has just caused me to like him more and more each time. It’s allowed me to know him better, to learn his quirks, to see what makes him laugh. It allows me to be myself, to be real, to be open. To be vulnerable. And I think that’s one of the most important ones. To allow somebody to come at me real deep is ridiculously hard, but when you’re that comfortable, when he can already hear the differences in your tones, when he can distinguish the happy from the exhausted from the misery, then it’s got to mean something, yeah? One night, he brought it up again, said oh, maybe one day you can be MY plus one at one of my friends’ get togethers... and I said yeah....that would also fall into the category of what I should probably talk to you about but I don’t know how to talk about it or how to even explain how much this is terrible.. and he said I completely understand. I know it’s a big thing for you and if you’re not ready to talk about it I’m not going to push you. He said it’s been on his mind too, since the first time I kinda brought it up, but he’d never force me if I wasn’t ready for it.

Fun maybe fact: if you let somebody in, to the deepest of your cores - if you let somebody in, who you find could be somebody big in your life, you will in fact, be rewarded. Greatly.

I took the chance. I took the chance and let this man add me on Facebook. I took the chance and messaged him back when he properly introduced himself, after our relatives set it up. I took the chance and said okay let’s get to know each other, knowing full well that I was against an LD relationship. I took the chance and chatted with him everyday and then took the chance and gave phone calls a try. I took chances and I don’t regret it, I really don’t. I took one more chance the other night. A big chance. A chance that could have resulted in him saying I appreciate you telling me, give me a couple days to think this out. Or that’s just...not cool, Danielle. I’m sorry I can’t do this. I took that chance and prepared myself for the worse, because what else can you do if you don’t want to be so utterly disappointed in the end?

As I told my story, remembering everything that I went through, remembering the feelings and thoughts and pain - so much pain - remembering the shame and deceit... As I told my story and got myself ready for rejection or even pity, his voice was soft and gave his affirmations that he was listening, he laughed at points when I tried to make the situation even just a little bit brighter, he exuded sympathy while tears rolled down my cheeks. And when I finished what I needed to say? He told me the most beautiful things. He knocked off the boulders, lightened me up, made me cry even more, and also told me that he thinks that it was meant to be, that we were to meet each other. So that he could help me feel better about myself, just as I have been doing to him. He told me if anything, he likes me even more because as I am right now, he can feel and see my remorse, and if he likes me now then that means what I went through had helped me become who I am at this moment, and who is he to judge my past for that? He told me things that I never imagined I’d hear because let’s face it, after what I did, I never thought I could feel even a little good about myself. All that shame in me, it dug in deep, and even thought I’ve been told a few times by different people that I deserve happiness, I still never believed it for myself. It is still hard to think that way. To believe that I deserve something great, after I did ungreat things.

I think all my life, I have always strived to be the person my siblings look up to. I always always tried my hardest to show them that I loved them with every piece of my body and soul. I always did what I could to put them first, to make them happy, to grab even a little bit of a smile from them. I hated to see them upset, hated to see them unhappy. And when I fell down this path, I know what I broke. I know I disappointed them to a million shattered pieces. Even if it was never ever said, I know that I could never again be the person they ever looked up to. Not saying that that’s how it was before, but now, I say no chance. After all this, then it went the other way around, and it was them fixing me. It was them giving their silent support that helped me get through each day. It was my brother talking on the phone with me, telling me what to do. It was him doing research for me. It was my sister not saying a single word about the situation but continuing the next day as if nothing had happened. The very first word she said made me feel love, whether she was uncomfortable or not or just didn’t know how else to approach me. That she approached me at all, was what did it. It was my brother coming with me to that wretched day, the day that killed me the most, the day I couldn’t bear to think about. It was having him right beside me then behind me, which told me he loved me and he supported me and wanted me to be okay. It was when I struggled with if I should tell a guy I was seeing about the situation and my sister gave me her thoughts and words. Even though that guy actually didn’t work out after I talked to him, her words still help me and they most definitely helped me in deciding if I should take this chance again. What I went through over the last two years is not ideal in any way. All the hours and seriously hard ass physical work that I did to redeem myself, all the hiding and secrets I kept from my closest people, all the classes and visits I had to do, it was literally and mentally the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. My siblings? They have their own struggles, like any other person would, but they are also the best people I know and I would not have gotten through these years without the knowledge of their support and love. I do hope that one day, I will make them proud and be somebody they can look up to.

So here I sit, a playlist of rock classics are filling the store, my Jeffrey is complaining that nobody’s coming in and he can’t sell anything, Alex comes by now and then to chat, Dave is trying to quit smoking but asks me for a lighter and says thank you dear, Martin brings his puppy in, Carter gets sad that I bring Jeff food, and Amery is just Amery. These people have accepted me as is, grumpy, smiling, working. My two big bosses know what happened, yet they’ve looked past it because they know who I really am, A comes to me whenever she has a dilemma and needs input or needs a cry, J & C are basically boyfriends who depend on each other for everything and we all take care of them too. We are an extra family, in a way. We are one that sees the stress and accompanies that with candy and food and stories. We are one that is struggling to get through the year, each year, but still pulling it off with awesome customer service, because you can’t win awards any other way! These people have accepted me as is, just like my real family, and I am so thankful that this workplace was the one that took me in and believed I could help.

I know one day, I’ll be who I really want to be. I know it’s going to take time, I know it’s going to take work. But I also know that if I keep trying, if I keep believing I can, I will be somebody you can all be proud of. Like I said in my last real post, I’ll find my way.

Ok, well? How was that for discussion?