#um.... holy shit. i think i.... feel different now? lighter? slightly less burdened? my attitude in the coming weeks will tell for certain

[thisisasupergoodidea]

man reading my posts from seven years ago is embarrassing, especially because im pretty much incapable of letting anything about myself stay in the past. i HAVE to check what my thoughts were back then, over and over again, year after year. barely changing because for some reason its hard to believe that i HAVE been changing. as if im still 17 years old and just developed depression 3 months ago

isnt that wild? that i actually feel like i could still be that same person from 8-9 years ago even though i barely remember who that was? what about me is the same, or different? why do i feel the need to think back and figure it out? why cant i leave myself alone, leave the past me IN the past? why am i so overly concerned with my own thoughts and experience and dreams and all the other shit in my head that i forget to actually live? why do i NEED to keep understanding and re-understanding and remembering and analyzing when doing so has only ever trapped me inside of myself, rather than freeing me through personal understanding, like i thought it might?

this post took the complete opposite direction that i thought i was gonna go with it but to be honest i need to tell myself this stuff more often. i am never going to move forward if i keep turning back to check on the many, many chains that i carry in trying to tether myself to my past. does my past even matter to the person i want to become if the only parts i can remember are about how awful or cringy i am? what does that accomplish? it does NOT spark joy. fuckin dropkick that nightmarish, bastardized amalgamation of all the worst attributes i ever developed into the abyss where it can truly thrive among nothingness. it took such a long time to arrive here but im so sick and tired of being ashamed of a self who shouldnt and doesnt exist anymore because they genuinely did grow up and learn a few lessons (even if it doesnt always feel that way)

i forgive myself. but those things im holding onto arent me anymore and they arent pieces that i even want to carry into my ideal self