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spideney · 7 years

Text

Soma (It 2017) (Stan-centric)

Pairing: Stan & Bill, reddie mention

Word Count: 1,996

Rating: T

After It, Stan wants to be okay, for everyone to be okay. This proves difficult.

AO3 Link

Warning, this deals with intrusive thoughts.

“Ice cream again?”

Stan kept looking down as he nodded to Eddie’s question; he didn’t need to speak, a chorus of soft “yeah”’s already coming from the rest of their group. It was all instinctual by now. They got on their bikes after school, spring’s sudden heat baring down on their backs, and rode to whatever place they could safely be themselves without the threat of bullies or parents. This week’s sunniness denoted getting ice cream along the way.

Mike was already there when they arrived at the parlor, greeting as usual—half-hugging Bill, high-fiving Richie and Eddie, ruffling Ben’s hair. His high-five to Stan turned into a handshake halfway.

“You ace that math test Stan?”

For the first time that day, Stan smiled. How Mike remembered these minute details about his friends’ lives—math tests, doctors’ appointments, parents’ birthdays—he didn’t know, but it was something he appreciated. It made him feel important—God forbid.

“You know he did, Mike. When does he ever not,” Richie grumbled, coming back from the counter with his double-scoop of fudge chocolate whilst glaring at the cone as if it just became sentient and spat in his face.

Stan’s smile grew into a smirk as he detected the jealousy. “He’s just being pissy because he failed.”

Ben and Mike snickered while Eddie followed Bill up to the counter; they already knew where this was going. Richie met Stan’s eyes with a matching grin, gearing himself up.

“Incorrect. I got a 69. Mrs. McMillan’s sending me signals.”

Simultaneously, Ben and Mike groaned—Stan merely held himself back, quickly rolling his eyes. “Gross. And Richie, a 69 is technically failing.”

“Ever heard of rounding up?”

“Richie, you did not get that grade, shut up. Let’s go,” Eddie cut in sharply, he and Bill returning with cones in hand. Richie held his hands up in faux innocence, gazing pleadingly at the shorter boy as he passed him.

“What’s with the tone, Eds? I actually studied—”

Bill sidled up close, and Stan immediately tuned out the others’ conversation. “I th-think Eddie didn’t like that comment about Mrs. Mc-McMillan,” he whispered, just quiet enough that only Stan could hear.

Muffling his laughter with a hand to his mouth, Stan nudged his friend and gave him a glance in agreement. Eddie was pretty obvious, at least to Bill, Stan, and Mike. Cows would fly before Richie ever got a clue.

It was still strange without Beverly there—times like this, when they were all together, her absence was especially stark. But they managed. She’d already visited once since she moved away, and was planning another before the school year ended. Bill and Ben took a while longer to bounce back from the initial sadness of her departure, but writing regularly back and forth to her seemed to brighten their moods.

With the proper urging from Eddie, the remaining Losers got back on their bikes and started their downhill, 5-minute journey to the riverside. Stan thought they’d found a rather picturesque little clearing—not that Derry itself was anything close to picturesque, in his opinion. But it was reasonably far away from any clowns or sewers, which was a plus.

“Eddie!”

At Richie’s yell, the other four boys’ eyes immediately darted to Eddie, seeing him motionless on his bike and his ice cream dropped on the road. They all halted, Richie wheeling over to Eddie.

“You-You okay Eddie?” Bill asked, but he got no response. Stan followed Eddie’s line of vision, and his blood ran a notch colder as he spotted the bundle of red balloons tied down outside the post office.

Not that they were It’s balloons; he knew as soon as he saw them. They were shaped like hearts, a bit darker red, almost maroon. They weren’t unreal. But they still caused a shock to run through him.

After a few seconds of silence, understanding quickly dawning on everyone, Eddie turned around with a slightly embarrassed expression.

“Uh, sorry guys, uh…”

“It’s fine,” Ben quickly answered, and the rest of the group nodded.

“…Want to g-go back and get another?” Bill asked, wheeling closer and motioning to the ruined cone. Eddie shook his head, taking a deep breath. Stan felt a bit proud of him—the fanny pack wasn’t on today.

“Let’s, uh, go.”

Eddie sped off almost as soon as he said it, but they understood. Dwelling on the bad things didn’t tend to turn out well.

Mike swiftly curved around to the front of the group as they started riding again, clapping a hand on Eddie’s back. “Remember, we fucked that clown up!” He looked over his shoulder with a tooth-baring smile. “Right?”

“..Yeah! We fucked him up!” Ben shouted, and Bill and Richie laughed before shouting out their own victories, Richie’s a touch more vulgar. They all kept laughing, and eventually Eddie joined in. The sun’s rays beamed down slightly hotter.

Their spot was situated between a few oak trees just so that Stan sat in the shade, a cool breeze bouncing off the river and hitting his cheeks every now and then. It was a good day; birds and squirrels were dancing in the branches above them, Ben and Bill were skipping rocks, Mike was trying and failing to catch fish with his bare hands, Richie was sharing his ice cream with Eddie—no explanation needed for that one. It made sense that now would be the time for Stan to feel uneasy. Of course, now was the time.

This won’t last forever.

He slowly let a sigh out of his mouth, over five seconds. Nope. Rummaging through his backpack, he quickly found his History notebook and opened to his doodles, continuing the ones that were now relevant to his surroundings—trees, animals. They weren��t good, certainly not as good as Bill’s, but it was something.

“Oh, can I borrow your English notes from today?” Richie asked, scooting closer and beginning to dig through Stan’s backpack.

“Only if you actually use them to study.”

They don’t actually like you.

Stan clenched his pencil as Richie looked up at him with a teasing grin, eyes big and marble-like behind his glasses. “What else would I use them for? What do you use them for? Jacking off to the symbolism found in The Raven? I knew it.”

Another eye-roll. “Just get them back to me tomorrow.”

You should stay home tomorrow. They wouldn’t miss you.

His shoulders tensed, and luckily Richie left the conversation there, turning back to Eddie with the same grin in place. Stan urged his fingers to relax as he shaded in his crow’s feathers.

It’s dangerous outside. Stay in your room. Go home. Never leave.

It’s dangerous in Derry. Leave.

Life is dangerous. You should’ve died.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been staring at the same pencil stroke, but at some point, Bill sat down next to him. Stan blinked in surprise, wetting his dry lips.

“You a-alright?” Bill asked nonchalantly, and Stan finally noticed that he’d been tapping his foot. He stopped.

“…Yeah. Drawing,” he croaked, and relaxed in relief when his voice came out calm.

Bill nodded and pointed to the page, giving the various animals he’d drawn names and personalities. A game they shared once Stan began doing it with Bill’s doodles. Stan chuckled at the especially creative ones, and felt his heartrate slowing.

His eyes caught sight of the notebook on Bill’s lap—the writing that he’d presumably sat down to work on—and he asked without thinking, “Letter to Beverly?”

Eyebrows raising, Bill looked down at it. “Ah, y-yeah! I’m not too far in…”

He risked his life for her. He’d never do that for you.

Stan’s breath got stuck in his throat, dread creeping up his body. It started at his stomach, making him feel sick, reaching his heart and making it race faster… Once it got to his face, he’d be screwed.

“…So, do you w-wanna write a section?”

His ears started working again, and his eyes refocused on his friend’s expectant face. It was routine—the other Losers would always write additions onto Ben and Bill’s letters. Stan enjoyed it; he and Beverly had a lot more in common than he thought. They liked some of the same music, same books…

They left you down there.

Sharply, he turned to look back down at his drawings, foot tapping. When had that started again? He’d thought he was over this.

“…No thanks.”

He didn’t see Bill’s face, but heard the surprise—and worry—in his voice. “O-Oh… Okay, you c-can later. If you want t-to.”

The only sound in Stan’s ears, for what felt like a few minutes, was the birds chirping, leaves rustling. Water splashing. Richie’s obnoxious laughter. Eddie’s clear voice, clear like a bell. He tried to focus on them, but his fingers only clenched his pencil harder.

Snap!

A hand touched his, and he reflexively relaxed his grip because it was Bill’s. The lead on his pencil was broken, and he swallowed—which took a surprising amount of effort—as Bill slowly unfolded his palm. The pencil fell onto the paper, and his hand followed Bill’s to the space between them.

Bill pulled his own sleeve down a bit further, and Stan latched onto it, rubbing small circles with his thumb into the cotton.

Clockwise. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Counter-clockwise. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

It continued, and his heartrate slowed enough, his tapping and breathing slowed enough, that he raised his head. Mike was now competing with Ben for farthest skipped stone. He took a deep breath.

For the next thirty minutes he kept at it, and slowly the others left, shouting goodbyes and nodding to Stan’s smiles. Only Bill knew how bad it got, and Stan wanted to keep it that way.

Then, it was just them. There was always the “Do you want to talk about it?”, and like most times, Stan shook his head. But he did finally look at Bill, hoping his eyes would say enough to convey his gratitude. Bill smiled assuredly at him, and his heart jumped in a different way—not that he appreciated it any more this time.

After a few more minutes, they opted to slowly bike home. As they neared the neighborhood, Stan noticed Bill’s tensing expression. It wasn’t too much of a mystery, how his parents could be.

“You know you can stay over at my house, if you want? My mom will call your mom,” Stan offered, hoping to bring back some semblance of normalcy to this day. His friends didn’t need any more bad things happening to them.

“…Y-Yeah, I’d like that.”

Thankfully, as Stan hoped, the rest of their day—dinner, homework, video games—was normal. It wasn’t until early the next day, 2 AM early, did he feel that same dread, turning into outright terror as he awoke from his nightmare with a gasp, eyes darting around the pitch-blackness of his room.

He heard it and his blood froze—muffled, jerking sobs.

Someone’s in your room, oh God—

It was Bill, he remembered, and a portion of his fear dissipated, only to be replaced with worry. Though his own hands were shaking, caught in fright at the fading image of that thing, coming closer, he got out of bed and approached where Bill lay on the futon.

“B-Bill…” His voice wasn’t calm in the slightest, but he didn’t care. He sat on the edge of the mattress, and Bill quickly rose up, a hand over his face.

As soon as other hand reached out, Stan scooted close and brought him into his arms, clutching the back of his shirt. He heard Bill mumble into his neck, “nightmare,” and they didn’t say anything else.

The dread didn’t fully disappear—in this world, he doubted it ever would. But sitting there in the dark, their arms around each other, he started to feel better.

#stenbrough #stan uris #bill denbrough #it 2017 #it fanfiction #me writing stuff #um yeah whenever i write something im read it back and im like haha its shit so i hope this is good #also writing this sort offf fucked me up just a lil

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weiqiankun-blog · 5 years

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beauty you hold.

female reader x mark lee

pretty frickin soft

my first piece of writing so i do hope you enjoy reading it

3k ish

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You'll admit, working at a coffee shop had it's quirks but there were just sometimes when all you wanted to do was go home and just sleep cause after all you were an exhausted college student and lets just say times were...tough sometimes. You've been working at your local coffee shop for awhile now and youve made friends with the other workers keeping in mind that theyre all quite older than you but atleast you have one close friend who works with you, this of course being one of your bestfriend's yuta. When you first met yuta, you kinda thought he was a pushover and a bit too bossy (or atleats thats what you said to him when you were explaining why you didnt approach him when you guys first met but actually it was only cause you were too scared). But ANYWAY, you were first to start working at the coffee shop, its name being 'Euphoria Cafe' and once you saw the help wanted sign through the window you were probably the first to apply cause you loved that place. Need a place to study? Euphoria, Need a place to relax? Euphoria, Need a place to sometimes see a few cute boys from time to time?... Euphoria (hotel?trivago (sorry i just had to)) so yeah. you got the job obviously and it was difficult at first to get used to how to use all the machines and everything but eventually you got the hang of it. And this is when your (not yet) best friend yuta comes waltzing in as the newly hired worker and you were kinda nervous cause yeah sure you're good with making friends but that doesn’t change that fact that you're terrified of embarrassing yourself especially in front of someone you found intimating.

So your first day together was awkward to say the least, there were many glances on both ends and all you guys said to each other were hi's, sorry's, here ya go's, and bye's when you guys left eventually. The next day it was like something snapped inside of you and you were having a really good day and you were just happy for ledgit no reason but when you're in moods like this, you kind of forget how to act around people or not forget but it's just a lot more free? So when you come into work you see yuta just getting in as well, and out of nowhere you just shouted, " hey yuta!!! how's your day been, excited for work?!" and the shock on his face was priceless and he just turned around and said, "oh, hey y/n, its been good and yeah i guess you could say i am", and to be honest you were kinda surprised he knew your name cause you guys literally never talked before yesterday and today was the first actual conversation you guys were having so naturally you asked, " oh woah, you know my name?", " well yeah, you know my name so...", "good point good point". And that was the start of a beautiful friendship, you guys grew really close and pretty fast and what surprised you the most was how jokingly flirtatious he got and it was definitely a joke cause at this point in your friendship you guys have seen TOO MUCH (dont be weird not like that) of each other to catch any feelings. You guys came to work together almost every day with him basically clinging onto you cause he needs affection and you obviously giving him it cause um who could resist. So yeah life was nice other than the crazy amount of work you had to do for college but OTHER THAN THAT just great :(.

Well anyway (yes this is a mark fluff just waittt) after few months of working there another employee joined and you recognized him almost instantly, he was in almost all of your classes but you guys barely talked, actually you guys only talked when you were forced to (partnered up and stuff). He wasnt in your shift but you always saw him leaving when you and yuta coming in. Eventually, mid-term break came along and yeah you were excited as hell but yuta was leaving to back to his hometown in japan so you would be pretty lonely. But then... you come into work one day not really being aware of your surroundings because you were too absorbed in your music but then when you walk in you see mark behind the counter not looking ready to leave at all so you said, "oh hi mark" (get the reference?) clear confusion coming out with your words and mark acknowledged it so he replied, " hey y/n, oh i asked if i could change my shift time because this works better for me so youll be seeing me for a while haha", " oh okay then i look forward to working with you", you say while nodding your head slightly. so mark right, you always liked him, not like crush sense but you thought he was cool you guess, and theres no denying that he was pretty cute but you never even had the idea of liking him until one day. So you come into work and suprisingly mark's not there he was usually early but you just thought oh he probably had something to do and didnt really care (#sorrynotsorry) but then in comes an extremely disheveled looking mark with messy hair and ripped jeans and a hoodie on and you were concerned to say the least. Thankfully no customers were in the shop yet and mark just runs to the counter panting and you genuinely think someone's been chasing him but he later explains he woke up like 2 minutes before he came to the coffee shop cause his phone ran out of battery hence alarm=nonexistent basically. That day you had a lot of customers and since you guys had to stay the entire day by the end of the day you were exhausted. When it was about an hour to closing mark just went on his break and it was just you in the shop because he just went for a walk which he regularly does for his break, something you noticed. but there werent many customers so you were okay but when you turned around to the register you saw a pink post-it saying: stay back today for a bit?. you already know mark wanted to just relax after work today and you guys had stayed back after work sometimes and you enjoyed it so you smiled and continued with the order for the customer. eventually he came back and you smiled and nodded and he smiled back and that just made you smile harder. so the day was finally over and you went to sit infront of the counter and took off your apron while mark was busy making something that you figured was his but when he was done you realized he had two drinks in his hand one being your favourite, a hot chocolate and one a berry smoothie. He placed the hot chocolate infront of you and you were like huh? and he said, “you drink this practically whenever you have the chance anyone would know it's your favourite". your heart kinda fluttered but you were like gurl dont be dumb staph but that didnt really stop much. you guys moved to the sofa after grabbing a few snacks (this was the main perk of getting the end shift cause you could stay back). You guys were facing each other and the windows were all still open blowing chilling air in and although you loved it you were cold and being the dumb one you are you forgot to bring a jacket so you shivered but you were fine after you closed the windows or so you thought for like two seconds and then you were like yeah no i be cold. "so care to explain why you came in looking like a wreck today" "so are you implying that i look good every other day" " well im not denying it.." you were always quite flirty with everyone unintentionally (sometimes intentionally) but mark kinda got used to it " i just slept really late yesterday and today wasnt the best" "i can tell but hey whats up?" "eh just stuff" "oh also ive been meaning to ask how long are you going to be working this shift?" "oh you want me to stay i see" "please, if anything the opposite" "mhmmm sure" he says with a smug look on his face, "well until your boyfriend comes back" you spat out your drink," my boyfriend?!" confusion was plastered on marks face and he said" yeah the guy you were working with before i came, yuta i think his name was?" you genuinely couldnt stop laughing until you eventually explained that he was just a bestfriend and you noticed a look of relief on his face? but pushed it aside. suddenly mark just got up and went to the back where you heard rummaging. after a few minutes mark came back with a t-shirt on and his hoodie in his hand. He threw over to you "stop shivering and wear this" he says he sat next to you this time causing you heart to basically jump out of your chest he wasnt that close or anything just him being kind. you mumbled a thanks. after a few moments of silence mark asked " so do you have a boyfriend?" "no you?" "nah. hey wanna lock up and just walk" you were actually glad he asked cause you were kinda tired of being in the cafe for this long and you thankfully nodded ---- you guys walked to a nearby park just talking about literally anything that came to your mind at this point you guys were pretty close and both of you guys knew things about each other that a lot of people dont, irrelevant and meaningful, like he knows that you only like the ends of those soda gummies cause apparently then have the most taste, but he argues that it all tastes the same, that doesnt stop him from eating the other end when you dont want it though, and you know that whenever hes stressed the only thing he wants to do is talk to someone he trusts and you were the same that way. as you were walking you werent really focusing on anything cause your heart was kinda all over the place cause youve officially developed a big fat crush on this idiot and you knew he didnt feel the same but then you being so absent minded caused you to trip and almost instantly mark grabbed your hand to stop you from falling over and you just started laughing while mark asked you if you were okay. you guys continued to walk in silence with the howling wind filling the air, although you guys were nothing you couldnt ask for more in this moment. you were reaching for your phone when you realized mark was still holding your hand you just stopped walking and froze staring at your hands clasped together (they werent intertwined but just holding ya get?) and obviously every force has an equal and opposite Reaction (its SciEnTifiC oKaY) so since you stopped walking and you were connected to mark he kinda was pulled back and this is when you noticed how red his face was and that surprised you but at the same time youre sure you were too (but like im brown so you wouldnt even be able to tell ay ay) "you only noticed i was holding your hand this entire time now?" "uh.. well.. ummm-" "sorry do you want me t-" he said as he started letting go "no no its fine i was just surprised thats all" and you guys continue walking except now your fingers are intertwined and your heart beating double time. you truly liked mark for his personality, for the way he made you laugh, the way he made you feel, the way he treated you, you really liked him. you guys found a a green patch that was pretty empty and decided to sit. mark was pretty sleepy so he asked if he could put his head on your lap and you said sure. it was pretty late at night but you werent scared if anything you felt safe and happy. mark did that to you and as you looked down at his face you truly realized how beautiful he was. his skin was so smooth and the fluorescent lights along the park were reflecting on his round glasses that shaped his face perfectly. you then hesitated before taking his glasses off cause you noticed he takes them off whenever hes tired so you just wanted him to feel comfortable. he opened his eyes at that and looked straight into your eyes, his eyes truly glimmered in the light as if they were shining stars of their own but what you didnt know is that those same eyes have been staring at you all night admiring your beauty and presence. you give him a slight smile and he does the same before shutting his eyes once again. you kinda wished he didnt because you wanted to stare into his eyes for more but atleast he was getting rest. this is when you decided to play some music. it was calm and relaxing and always helped when you were feeling stressed and you could tell mark was for whatever reason cause he refuses to tell you and since music was such a huge part of your life you hoped it would help him too. you started singing along lowly and not to brag or anything but your voice wasnt half bad, after all you were a music major and one of the instruments you play was your throat so you sounded pretty nice and mark seemed to agree with this cause he then reached for your phone and paused the music to say, " i like your voice better" and you being way too scared to sing infront of him refused but eventually he convinced you by saying he would sing as well which he did and you guys sounded nice.

after staying for a bit longer you decided it was time to go home so you told mark to get up and he obliged. he held his hand out for you and even after helping you up he continued to hold it. he insisted on dropping you off to your dorm which hes visited before to watch a movie or two but thats all. on your way back you asked him, "mark are you sure you dont want to talk about whats stressing you out?" "no its okay really, thanks for caring" he replied "anytime and if you change your mind just call me okay?" he nodded you guys reached your house by now and mark with such sincerity in his voice said" thanks for today, really" "we do this almost every week what are you talking about" " i know but just thank you for being you" he says while staring admirably at your face "look mark, well first you know im always here even if we arent working the same shift anymore im glad we became as close as we are now cause i truly cant imagine my life without you and yeah i know its really cheesy but its true but most importantly you need to stop beating yourself up whenever you mess up. youre human and we tend to make mistakes sometimes and thats fine because i know you mark and i know at the end of the day you’re going to be an amazing dancer and youll be great at whatever you want to do so i dont know whats bothering you but whatever it is i know you can overcome it so just keep your head up high and be strong but dont be afraid to talk to people about it. and mark, im just saying all this cause i care abo-" interrupting what you were saying mark comes closer and kisses you. His lips were warm contradicting the the cold weather and one of his hands was around your waist ever so gently pulling you closer to him while the other was on your neck gently caressing it. his lips were so gentle yet so passionate as if you could feel all of his emotions, your eyes were closed and your hands were around his neck and then your fingers ran through his hair. you dont even know how long the kiss went on but you had to pull away cause you were out of breath. Your foreheads were against each other and noses almost touching his eyes were closed and he mumbled under his breath " thank you, thank you so much. thank you for being the person you are and for making me feel the way i feel. every time i see you im so mesmerized by the amount of beauty you can hold. everything you do makes my heart beat faster and im just so glad that youre in my life and im really sorry if you dont feel the same ill act like this never happened if you want me to but i really like you and i have for a long while and i just want to compliment you everytime i see you and hold your hand and kiss you to show you how much i appreciate you and god y/n you make me feel things i dont think ive ever felt befo-" "mark..." you say moving your head to look a him, he hesitantly opens his eyes expecting a rejection "i like you too" you say before giving him a deep but quick kiss and after that he lift you up and hugs you and start cheering almost about how happy he is. And that was the start of your relationship with mark lee <3

3:00 AM 1/24/2019 (this is when I wrote this can you frickin believe wow welp.. that was it)

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mvssmallow · 6 years

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CWAC: Chapter 29 Part I (temporary re-upload)

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part I: …of airplanes.

Masterlist

Day 0

“You what?”

“I need to go to Japan.”

He stares at Hanbin’s back, waiting waiting waiting for the next reaction with a racing heartbeat in his throat.

“It’s three days till Christmas.”

“I know.” He says with a tired sigh. “They want to meet a producer over there. It’s the last time he’s free before he goes on hiatus with his family for a month. They want to get a lock on him before I start on the album.”

Hanbin stops cleaning his desk and turns around to face him. “When do you leave?”

“Now. Today.” He says, even more exhausted at the thought of having to pack for the airport. “Jin booked our flights already. The cars coming over in half an hour.”

Hanbin nods then and half shrugs. “Yeah okay.”

He’s a little taken aback, unsure what he was expecting but some part of him thought (hoped) that his absence would be more upsetting. He didn’t want to make them sad and miserable but there are times where he just craves some kind of evidence that he’s important in Hanbin’s life.

“So you’re okay with this right?”

“Yeah, of course. It’s your job now.” Hanbin moves past him to open their drawers and rummage for the passports kept there. “Which backpack do you want to take with you?”

He feels oddly blindsided by everything that’s happened this afternoon. The sudden phone call. The impromptu flight. Hanbin’s blasé response. His internal dissatisfaction.

“Jiwon? Which one?”

“Um, the blue one.”

A blue camo print backpack is thrown on the bed and his passport is tucked into the front pocket. He watches as their wardrobe doors slide open and Hanbin pauses to survey all the pre-ironed t-shirts just hanging there.

“Do you want me to help you pack?”

No, I want you to miss me when I leave.

He can’t say that out loud so instead, he settles for: “Yeah, if you’re not doing anything.”

Hanbin scoffs. “What else would I be doing right now?”

They pack with quiet efficiency. Well, he watches Hanbin pack with quiet efficiency, the tense stillness only punctuated by Hanbin’s short questions and his own single word answers. It makes him want to yell really loudly or say something stupid.

But the hour’s almost up. The car will be here soon.

“Wait a minute.” He’s checking the contents of the backpack with a frown, pushing phone chargers and socks out of the way but still not finding the thing he wants. “Where’s your Snoopy t-shirt?”

Hanbin looks at him with confusion. “Snoopy? That shirt is so old. Don’t you want one of your newer-”

“No.” He shakes his head, suddenly pissed off for some reason. “I need that one.”

It comes out harsher than he wanted it to but if picking a fight is the only way he’s going to get Hanbin to react then he’ll play dirty for once.

But Hanbin just goes and looks for the damm t-shirt without saying anything. It drives him insane and he can’t really remember a time he was this frustrated about Hanbin’s selective mutism.

“Here.” A soft and greying t-shirt is held out towards him. “Are you going to wear it out? It’s so old. It’s seriously getting holes in the sleeves.”

He takes it and tucks safely into his backpack. “No. I’m not going to wear it out. I just want to take it with me.”

“Okay.” Hanbin says slowly, eyes suddenly piercing into the side of his face like they always do when they’re trying to read his mind.

The phone in his his pocket starts buzzing and ringing then. Great timing as always. The car is downstairs to pick him up.

“I gotta go.”

Hanbin walks him to the front door and watches him put on his jacket and tie up his shoelaces.

“So umm, I guess I’ll see you when I get back?” He says, prepared and resigned to leave with just a brief kiss. Who knows how affectionate Hanbin is feeling right now.

“Message me when you land? And when you go to sleep.” Hanbin instructs, his voice shaky and watery for a split second. “And when you’re packing again too, so you don’t forget anything.”

He cracks the first smile of the day. “Yeah, I’ll just message you everything okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Then he sees it; the slumped shoulders, the downcast eyes that never meet his and the subtle frown pulling at the corners of Hanbin’s mouth. He can feel fingers playing with the straps of his backpack, even though there’s nothing to fix or adjust.

Well, finally.

“Come here.” He says softly, pulling at Hanbin’s t-shirt and relieved when there’s no resistance at all. Just a sigh.

He’s going to write a song about this one day. He knows it. This exact feeling whenever he pulls Hanbin’s slightly smaller body into his, the initial thrill of butterflies followed by the deep warm ache that comes from something so good, so unbelievable, so comforting, so his.

“Gonna miss me?” He asks. Fuck subtlety, he needs to hear the words sometimes.

There’s a nod against his chest that makes him want to laugh. Typical Hanbin.

“Say it baby. I wanna hear it.”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin whines.

“Baby..” He echoes with another laugh. “You’re gonna make me late if you don’t say it. I’m not leaving till you do.”

There’s more protesting and he can feel the outlines of Hanbin’s face as it tries to bury itself further into his chest. “Illmissyou.”

“What was that?”

Hanbin looks up at him then, all big doe eyes, long eyeslashes and static in his hair. “I’ll miss you.”

“You better.” He says with a relieved grin.

They don’t kiss for half as long as he wanted them to but it’s long enough for the phone to buzz in his pocket again.

“Ahh shit. I really have to go.”

Hanbin’s clinging onto him now, he can feel the slight panic and desperation in the way those fingers dig into his arm. He wonders if it’s wrong to want Hanbin to be like this all the time. It probably makes him a sadist or something but truthfully, nobody has ever needed him before and it’d be nice if that happened at least once in his life.

“Okay, well. I’ll message you when-”

“-I love you.”

It is so quiet against his own voice but he still hears it loud and clear.

Does he stop breathing? For a second? Or a minute. One of those. He’s not sure which one. The backpack is dropped to the ground and he holds that beautifully nervous face in his hands for so long that his phone buzzes in his pocket for a third time and he has the fleeting though that his Beatbox team should just go to Japan without him.

“Fuck, Hanbin.” He says in hushed disbelief. “Why did you have to say it right now? Worst timing ever. Shit, how am I supposed to leave?”

There’s the most sheepish of shrugs that makes Hanbin look even smaller. Maybe small enough to fit into his backpack.

“I really need to go but fuck, I’m gonna miss you so much. You have no idea. I haven’t even left and I miss you already. Wanna come with me? Please come with me?”

Hanbin laughs at his dramatics before leaning up to kiss him in that infuriatingly slow and sweet way that satisfies every empty part of his soul.

“Mmmmlove you.” He murmurs against those soft lips.

“I know.” Hanbin says with a smile before pushing him away gently. “Go to work. I’ll be here when you get back.”

He doesn’t bother hiding his sigh as he picks up his backpack. Every step outside their apartment door is harder than the one before it. He looks at Hanbin leaning against the doorframe in that old disneyland t-shirt, his hair is a mess, cheek flushed and there’s some kind of wistful bittersweet look on his face.

He loves him more than he loves his entire life.

It’s a crazy thought that he’d only read about or seen in movies, believing for all these years that they were unrealistic, impossible and overdramatic….until now.

“Don’t do anything stupid!” He shouts from down the corridor.

“Can’t anyway. My stupid is going to Japan!” Hanbin shouts back.

****

It’s weird.

Too many years spent on a diet of Linklater movies, Murakami books and songs about longing has got him expecting something that never comes. He expected to feel some big gaping hole when Jiwon left for the airport but he doesn’t.

Of course he misses him. He misses him a lot.

But that hollow melancholy that he felt when they broke up isn’t there. Which is good he supposes, he doesn’t want that feeling back. Ever.

It doesn’t really feel like Jiwon went anywhere though. He’s been gone for barely 20 minutes before the first of the texts come. It makes him smile like an idiot.

[did we pack snoopy?xj]

[Yeah we did. He’s in there. Don’t worry. hx]

He thought it’d end there until Jiwon lands in Japan but there’s another buzz of his phone after a few minutes.

[did we pack my passport?]

[YES omg]

[did we pack the killr bees]

[Yes. We packed everything you wanted. Stop asking me. Lol.]

[im bored.]

[Its been like 20 minutes.]

[Yeah I kno. Then we have to wt at the airprt]

[Your life is so hard. Poor baby.]

[Haha am I your baby now?]

[Idk, I have to check with my boyfriend]

[Wts he like]

[Better than you]

[wll thats rude]

[Talk to me when you have a record deal]

[its ok, gt my own bf. hes not as good as u tho]

[You can’t even pretend in texts?]

[haha nope. Can’t pretend like ur not the best]

[You need to get out more]

[nah, got u now. im nevr leavng]

It’s just a few words, full of typos, but it still makes his stomach drop.

[But what should we do about my boyfriend?]

[idk get a biggr bed haha]

[JIWON]

[WHAT]

[!!!]

[im kiddin! you gotta be crazy if u think im gonna share you]

[hey we’re here, hve to go. talk later.]

[love you baby xj]

[Have a safe flight. Love you too.xhx]

The smile doesn’t leave his face. Not for the entire time he makes dinner for himself. It’s only when he sits down at their table that he feels it, the hollow emptiness of the chair next to him, the off-balanced quietness of the apartment, the way there’s only one plate on the table. He looks at his phone but the screen is still black. He can’t even send a message, Jiwon would be in the middle of his flight.

The rest of the night isn’t much better. Even when he knows Jiwon has landed, there’s no texts. Maybe he was just busy.

He cleans up alone. Showers alone. Gets into an empty bed alone. And there’s still no message.

[Hey I’m going to bed now. Hope you’re okay over there. xh]

He doesn’t really sleep though. He can hear the traffic outside his window and it was always weirdly comforting to him, something to do with the mundaness of life continuing on regardless of how bad his day is. But it’s not working tonight, maybe it was only comforting listening to that sound when he had Jiwon’s warm body next to him.

It’s 1:30am when his dark room lights up from a text on his phone.

[are u still awake]

[Yeah?]

He expects another text marathon but Jiwon ends up calling.

“Hi baby.” Jiwon’s voice sounds rough, exhausted and muffled, like half of his face is against a pillow. “You okay to talk?”

“Yeah.” He’s not sure why it makes him sad that Jiwon has to even ask.

“Sorry I didn’t message or call. Jin got pissed that I was on the phone so much and just took it. He wanted to pack all this stuff into our schedule before Christmas. We just got back from this dinner with a bunch of Japanese rappers. I’m never drinking again.”

He laughs to cover up his paranoia. “Yeah? Did you have a good time?”

Jiwon groans in pain. “I think there should be an age limit on alcohol.”

“There is.”

“It should be like, 30.”

He laughs for real this time. “What happened? Did you do something stupid?”

“No!”

“Didn’t dislocate any jaws today?”

“No, I did not.” Jiwon says bitterly. “We just did a few shots. I’m gonna be so hungover tomorrow and that’s when we’re meeting Doc.”

His ears perk up at that and a shiver runs down his spine. “Who?”

“Doc McKinney. That’s the producer they want to get for my album. Which isn’t even half written by the way, I don’t get why they’re-”

“Wait. Doc McKinney? The american producer?”

“Yeah? You know him?”

“YES.”

“Tablo met him at some company event last month. Thank god he can speak English. They think it’ll be good promo to have a big shot producer on my album but why the hell would he want to work with a no name?” Jiwon laughs then. “Imagine what’s going on in his head. From the Weeknd to me. What a joke.”

“It’s not a joke.” He says firmly. “You’re good on your own but if you got him on your debut Jiwon….that would be crazy.”

“Yeah I know. I’m not gonna put much into it though. We got Tablo, that’s enough.”

Out of the two of them, he doesn’t know how he ended up being the more ambitious one when all the talent was with Jiwon.

“Still try though, right? You never know where it’ll go. It’s always good to make some contacts in the music business. He might be handy when you get into the US market.”

Jiwon snorts down the phone line. “US market? Are you tripping? I’m not even in the Korean market.”

“You should aim high.” He says, smiling at the dark ceiling. “You have the talent and personality for it.”

“I love talking to you. My ego grows like three sizes bigger every time.”

“Good.”

“Hey you know what else grows three sizes bigger?”

He groans at Jiwon’s lame line. “Seriously? That’s how you’re going to change the topic?”

“Yep. That’s how I’m gonna do it.” Jiwon says, words getting more and more slurred. “What are you wearing?”

“Wait. Do you have your own room?”

There’s a bark of laughter down the line. “Yeah, I do. I’m not that much of freak Hanbin. I’m not you.”

He goes red, even though nobody can see him. “I have never done it in a room full of other people! What are you talking about?!”

“I mean, you like it when you think you might get caught.”

He stays silent, trying to think of an answer that doesn’t self-sabotage or reveal any of his other kinks.

“Am I right?” Jiwon asks with a chuckle. “I am, aren’t I? You are so loud. Remember that time in the carpark? I get so hard whenever I think about it.”

Of course he remembers that night. He remembers it so vividly that he can still smell the sweat on Jiwon’s skin, the hunger in his eyes and the way he always comes with that deep growl.

“Baby? You still there?”

His hand was already wandering down between his legs. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just….”

“…thinking about it?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. What are you wearing?”

“Puppy pyjamas?”

Jiwon groans. “Why do you have to be so fucking cute at a time like this?!”

“You asked! What are you wearing?”

“Snoopy.”

He laughs. “Well, why do you have to be so fucking cute too?”

“Snoopy smells like you.”

His hand stops in its track. His stomach does that nervous flip again.

“Jiwon….”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I’m supposed to be nasty and talk about how much I want to fuck you right now. But here I am telling you that I took your stupid t-shirt to Japan just so I can pretend I’m sleeping with you. Fuck!” Jiwon laughs at his own ridiculousness. “I can’t even do phone sex right.”

He waits until his breathing sounds normal again. “I….really want to fly over there. Like, right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Miss me?”

“Yeah, I really do. It sucks being in this bed without you.”

“Well, it sucks being in another country without you. God, how lame are we? It hasn’t even been 24 hours.” Jiwon says in exhaustion before yawning. “My body is so confused right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t know if it’s awake or asleep. I’m half hard but half not. I really need to come but I’m too tired. And I miss you, so I’m sad, but I’m talking to you right now, so I’m kinda not.”

“You’re a mess.” He says with a chuckle, wanting to reach through the phone line to pull Jiwon into their bed. “What you need is sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep though! My dick is waiting for me to do something.”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know? Do it with me?”

He kicks his blankets off and throws the puppy pyjamas on the ground. He knew this was coming. “Take your pants off. And Snoopy too.”

“….Okay.”

He waits for the rustling on the other end to stop before talking again.

“I want to hear you touching yourself. Can you do that? I want to hear all those noises you make.”

“Fuck…..you sound so hot talking like this.” Jiwon says. “I’m so hard right now.”

“Good. What are you thinking about?”

“What your mouth feels like. I wish it was here with me.”

“Just my mouth?” He laughs. ‘What would you do with the rest of me?”

There’s a soft muffled sound, like Jiwon was rolling over in bed. “Mmm, no. I wanna hear what you wanna do.”

He’s stroking himself with a faster rhythm now and as much as the words always make him cringe, he’s so turned on and out of his mind that it’s like someone else just took over.

“I kind of…..want you to fuck me backstage after one of your shows.”

There’s a deep moan through the phone’s static. “Keep going, babe.”

“Sometimes I watch you on stage and you’re so sweaty and aggressive. I always wanted to pull you behind the curtains and lick all that sweat off you.”

“Mmmhmm. Then what?”

“Then you’d push me on the ground and I’d complain that my knees hurt. But you wouldn’t care. You’d hold my jaw and make me open my mouth just so you can fuck into it until I’m gagging and begging you to stop.”

“Keep going keep going….I’m so close…”

His hand is so wet now and he can hear Jiwon’s erratic breathing through the phone.

“I wouldn’t want you to stop though. I want it to hurt. I want to taste you when you cum in my mouth and when you’re done, I want you to fuck me and fill me up so much that it drips down my legs…”

There’s a strained ‘fuck!’ through the phone line followed by that familiar raspy growl and whispers of his name. His own head is full of flashbacks of that night in the carpark, he remembers Jiwon’s eyes as he pushed in, so deep and slow that the stretch made him want to scream. It was an overwhelming mix of desperation, aggression and possession. It’s that memory that makes him close his eyes now and cum all over his hand with a drawn out moan.

There’s a few seconds of silence where all he can hear is their breathing but suddenly Jiwon starts laughing.

“What?!”

“Nothing nothing. I was just thinking of how much trouble you’re gonna be in when I come home.”

He smiles in the darkness, sweaty and aching everywhere. How the hell are they going to handle three days apart?

Soundtrack: July - Kris

#cwac stuff #cwac re- uploads #the original chpt got flagged #tumblr is reviewing the original post #this is a temporary post until the issue is resolved

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