#uhm....................................... also i am eating very poorly i am so hungry and yet. :( i want to eat carbs so bad and it would

[cubot]

I've been having trouble sleeping lately despite being so tired. And part of it is that I will not fall asleep. Part of it is that when I wake up, I'm up for good. And part of it is executive dysfunction of I cannot get up and go to the bathroom and take my meds and brush my teeth and go to bed.

But because the last part of that is an issue right now, I'm using it to make my body so fucking tired that when I finally get into bed, hopefully I will just pass out within twenty minutes.

[jbemin]

Cold Love

⇨ pairing: reader x skz Hyunjin

⇨ genre: fluff, friends to lovers

⇨ length: 5.3k

⇨ warnings: mentions of alcohol, a few cursewords, unrequited love (idk, maybe that’s a trigger for some people?)

⇨ summary: You have the longest crush on someone, but it doesn’t quite work the way out you would like it. But maybe that isn’t so bad after all? ⇨ a/n: the title is sort of a pun..👀 thank you for proofreading @marculees ♡

Sometimes you make a decision and just regret it, like a higher force in universe let it regrets you immediately. But sometimes you make a lot of decisions and it all goes well until, yeah until now.

I mostly don’t even know which of my many decisions lead me to this moment, but I certainly know who it was. Big surprise; me. To be fair here, not only me, but that’s a different story. My way of handling things was never quite the most intelligent, but a certain someone makes my knees wobble and my stomach flutter.

Thinking back, all this could’ve been avoided if Donghyun wasn’t on that party. Well, I should give more details, right? No one cares if I’m stupid or not, which is already a pretty well known fact huh.

But y’all gotta know that Donghyun is my crush since pretty much ever? I don’t know when it all started, but one time he looked in my direction and smiled at me and then I guess..yeah. Don’t question that. Starting from that point, he’s on my radar. Sadly I’m not on his, but that might change (or not).

However I directed myself and my best friend Hyunjin - I will come to him in a bit - to this party. It was one of those college parties where pretty much the whole house is full and you just roll with the flow from one room to the other. With so many drinks you can’t remember getting a new one, but always having a full cup in your hand.

Well, it was one of those parties - as I said already. And I was there, with Hyunjin - also already said that. He’s not only the oldest friend I have, but also the best. I don’t know where to start, maybe with his laugh? It’s so contagious and even if you’re sad, you just want to laugh with him and forget about the sadness that hugged you so tightly, just a second ago. The way his eyes crinkle up to half moons is another level of cute, I tell ya. But there are times, when I plan murder on him. But then I ask myself, if I murder him, who’s gonna take the dead body away with me, if he’s gone?

That said, back to the party. Everyone was having fun, when I sat on the couch, pouty lips and ready to leave at any second. But Hyunjin came over, tip toe dancing with two drinks in his hands. “Why are youuu soooo sulkyyy?”, he frowned at me and nipped from one of the cups, while holding the other one in front of my face. Instead of an answer I turned my head and pointed to the kitchen. A busy Donghyun stood there with a pretty brunette on his side, whispering nice things in her ear.

Hyunjins expression changed. He knew about my very personal drama of course and it was certainly not the first time I talked about it and was being frustrated about it. “If you just talked to him, you could be that girl on his side”, the conclusion sounded very simple, well it was pretty simple, but every time I tried talking to him I made a complete fool out of me. You know..I mean even more, than I normally do.

Next to me, a wasted Jisung let himself fall on the couch, putting his arm around my neck and his head on my shoulder. “Didn’t know you were here too, when did you come? I would have- have had a drink with you”, he giggled over his words and moved his head a bit forth and back, from that. “Not long, but I think I’m leaving anytime soon-”, but before I could finish my sentence by telling Jisung, he already had enough drinks, he interrupted me by asking why I wanted to leave so early. Hyunjin then answered - not without rolling his eyes - because of ‘him’, waving his head to the kitchen.

Jisung came up, looking in between us all and formed a silent ‘oh’. It was a well known fact that I had unrequited feelings for Donghyun and that I apparently liked it, to languish for him. Well, far away from truth. But today was my lucky day, according to my drunk friend. He jumped off the couch, grabbed the full cup and my wrist.

A few minutes later I found myself on the improvised dance floor, next to Jisung. Next thing I knew was that this boy spilled my whole drink over the poor girl and then looked after her, leaving into the bathroom. My drunk friend, however, didn’t leave without softly pushing me into the right direction.

Looking back, I should have know better that this wasn’t supposed to work out with him. Which normal dude, wouldn’t go after the girl he was talking all night long when someone spilled a whole drink on her? Even if you just want to get into her panties, that’s decent behavior.

But I was too busy caring about the situation I found myself in - sort of in Donghyuns arms, my heart beating faster than Hyunjin runs when I bring pizza. Not having enough alcohol into my body, to play it cool though. A whole mess. Thanks Jisung. “Are you okay? He pushed you pretty bad, that hurt for sure”, his eyes scanned me from head to toe. Wasn’t he so cute, asking how I felt? Right. “Uhm..I- no- I mean yes. No- I mean my arm hurts so I better leave”, the try to excuse myself this poorly, didn’t broke my neck for sure, but nearly my ankle.

He still had his arm around my waist and when I tried to escape, he turned me around, pinning his arm on the wall next to my head. “If you’re in pain, it’s my duty to take care of you.”, he whispered near my ear. Okay, everyone, this was the fuckboi handbook page 10 to 12, I am well aware of that, now. But don’t you dare telling me you would’ve acted different than me in this moment. So I stayed there, but we didn’t kiss. He got my number and that was how I entered hell.

However I was already planning on how we would get married and if we had two or three kids. You know the usual stuff you start to plan after giving out your number to a boy. I was lost. Lost on my own cloud 7. No idea how I got home, but when I messaged Hyunjin, he wasn’t too happy hearing that. After all I left him alone there. As a sorry, I suggested going to our favorite bakery. With me taking the bill. Well yeah, he was quite fond of that idea. He got so hungry and worn out after night outs. And maybe I knew that and that’s why I suggested it.

Finding myself on a little table at the corner of the cafe and a big latte in front of me, Minho the worker there, just brought me a piece of cake. I always got a little bonus from him, mostly because I took over his homework from time to time, but I liked to tell myself it was because he was ‘a nice guy’.

Few mins later, my taller friend stumbled into the shop. The door rang and he strolled over to me. No time wasting, he started whining how bad he felt. “It will be good - already ordered a big coffee for you”, I smiled and patted his back. He had his face smashed on the table and lied there dead. But he came up, as soon as I mentioned that coffee was on the way for him. With a smile, I took a slurp of my latte. “If you hadn’t- ah y/n you have- wait”, despite looking like a zombie, his face lightened up when he put his thumb on my lip, cleaning off the milk foam which was a leftover from my drink. “Stopppp-”, I softly pushed his hand away and laughed his antics off. As an answer he frowned at me, putting on a blank expression. He really liked to baby me, I suppose.

After the meet up, some unimportant time passed - maybe a few days - until I got a message. Not only a message, but the message. ‘Hey’, my heart jumped at the unknown number, that could only be one person. Nervous sweat broke out and I started running around the house, driving Hyunjin crazy. Who chilled on the couch, playing whatever game. “Just answer”, he yelled from there, followed by a curse, when he got shoot. Boys. I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t just answer.

An unplanned long time of waiting later, I got another message though. My dumbfounded face, spoke volume and so my best friend grabbed the phone just to fall over the next second from laughing. “Can you send me the homework for physics? Minho gave me your number”, he read out loud wheezing. Ouch, straight through my heart. I groaned in mistreatment.

I was just about to hold a speech about how unfair this was and how Hyunjin was a very bad best friend at the very moment, when my phone vibrated again. “Maybe that’s someone from your biology course this time”, he held his stomach in pain. I glanced daggers at my friend for that comment, when a surprised “Oh” came out of my mouth. Unknown number, but this time it wasn’t a request for homework. ‘are you free? lets meet on Friday after school’, well I am not lying when I said that I screamed. Hyunjin was back on rolling his eyes, while I answered a ‘sure’, followed by an uncool ‘:)’.

The time until said Friday was a never ending circle of panic and terror. I was so afraid for the meeting, that I completely forgot how to function like a normal person. Once the day had come I ran around like being under electricity. My nervousness reached another peak. So while I waited in front of the hall where our meet up point was, I spammed Hyunjin with sos messages. But he didn’t answered to my despair.

“Hey”, a male voice snapped me back and I threw my phone in the air. Not without looking like a dork, when attempting to catch it. Donghyun laughed at me, “chill haha”, he rescued my phone and handed it back to me. Casually dropping an arm around my shoulder and directing me to whichever place. I only remember that we had something to eat and that he paid. Such a gentleman.

He offered to bring me home, but it wasn’t even dark yet, so why the fuss. I thanked him for the day and to my fears and panic he went in for a kiss. Phew, yet another high for my nerves that day, for sure. But I managed to fend off the kiss and turned it into a gentle hug. Leaving without further actions. Silly me.

Once I was far enough away I called Hyunjin. “Hmh?”, he sounded sleepy, which caught me off guard. His behavior was well known to me and taking random naps, wasn’t part of it. “Did you- did I woke you up?”, my bewildered voice let him groan in frustration. He hated to explain obvious things to me. “No, it’s like 7pm. However, what’s the issue?”, my best friend scratched his head. Of course I couldn’t see it, but I knew it - I didn’t had to see it. “We have to meet, like now. Already on the way to you. So put some pants on.”, I said, pressing the red button and ending the phone call, before he could complain. Surely that wasn’t the best way to give Hyunjin happiness, but it was needed.

A grumpy, messy haired, in sweatpants and hoodie wearing, tall and pale boy opened the door to me. He looked down at me with a surly expression. “You look awful..”, I concluded and invited myself in without asking for permission. Like as if I had to. “Glad that I am not the only here, otherwise this would be really awkward”, walking to his room and right into his bed I followed him. Having a certain feel, he mostly spend the day there, at least the choice of his clothes fit that thought. Usually Hyunjin was more of the stylish type.

Hushing back under the sheets, he shivered and put them tighter around him. To me the room didn’t seemed cold. “Why are you here?”, he mumbled, blue sheets covering his mouth. Geez, now I had to tell him everything. So awkward.

Carefully listening and silently nodding however, Hyunjin didn’t seemed satisfied. “Why didn’t you kiss him? It was like the perfect chance, or not?”, the usually energetic young man, sounded so sleepy that I was convinced by now, he spend the whole night gaming and just didn’t wanted to admit that. We both were well aware, that would lead to me calling him a kid, which he hated. Ironic, really, when he was the one who always babied me.

It was time for the truth now, wasn’t it? But before confessing, I had to properly take care of him. I hissed a ‘wait’, before jumping off the bed. Running into the kitchen and preparing a heat pillow and tea. Finally I turned the heater on in his room, even though the sun was shining outside. “I never kissed someone before, or got kissed”, the nervous laugh followed by that statement was so untypical me, I gulped. It was that serious, huh.

Silence. So much silence. “And? Change that then. His lips waiting for ya”, pulling the sheets over him, I had trouble understanding Hyunjin. “Heeey, no, it’s not that easy. What if I accidentally bite him”, I jumped dramatically on the large lump in front of me and started whining, as so often when I wanted to get something from him. There certainly was a reason why I paid him a visit.

A deep sigh came off my friends throat, “You’re so annoying. It’s just a kiss”. Now, I climbed over him and sat on his body. “Yes, exactly, that’s why I am here. I am in need of someone’s help and since you’re my best friend, you’re the lucky one who was chosen to fulfill this important task.”, the way I worded myself, he probably already knew I wanted something off him and by the story before, he also knew what.

“No”, he simply answered, still under the sheets. Frankly, I expected a more dramatic reaction, but he was so calm about it, that I was surprised. “What do you mean no? It’s just a kiss. Your words”, I said and crossed my arms in front of my chest. A little argument then started, of reasons on whether to do it or not to do it.

“Hyunjin you’re my best friend. If not you, then who will do it?”, I begged so hard, why was he so stubborn, gosh. “And I said no, accept that. I am not kissing you.”, he answered again. Answer still the same like ten minutes before. I pulled the sheets away from him and looked in his face. I demanded an answer. “y/n look at me. Did you even noticed that I wasn’t in school today? Not answering my phone? I’ve been sleeping the whole day. Temperature was 39° earlier. I have one hell of a cold. Maybe you would have noticed that I am not well, if you weren’t so focused on mister Donghyun here.”

Now I was the one rolling my eyes, “Is that all? I’ll risk that and don’t be such a bitch. I made you tea and a heat pillow.” Maybe I purposely ignored the last sentence, cuz it lowkey hurt, but that was a thought for a different day. “Fiiiine, then”, now he came up and without a warning I fell off him, to the side.

Hyunjin loosened his hoodie and straightened his bedhead a bit, brushing lose hair back. “Do you want an invitation or will you come here?”, the tone of his voice was a mixture of annoyance, frustration and something else, maybe anger. But that snapped me back into reality.

I climbed back and before it got serious, I did the same as him; brushing my hair back and pulling my jacket off. “What are you doing?”, Hyunjin unintentionally started laughing, but I just rolled my eyes. It seemed like he forgot, that unless him, I wasn’t sick and the heater wasn’t doing so well for me. Also I needed some freedom and space for my nervousness.

“Close your eyes”, he ordered, when I sat down. Was he making fun of me? It seemed like that. Really, I couldn’t help myself and instead starred at him like Bambi in the forrest. Why did he made that so awkward? Damn it Hyunjin. But I finally did what he had ordered.

After a few seconds of nothing, I could feel his hand on my face, putting a strain of hair behind my ear. I softly smiled - thoughtful as always of course. Then he put his hand on my cheek and I felt his warm breath on my skin, coming closer and closer. Till his lips touched mine. Without planning to do it, I automatically leaned in and adjusted to him and his proportions. Eyes closed the whole time.

Even though it was a really soft kiss and Hyunjin wasn’t really moving or anything, I clearly felt everything that happened. When backing off after what it felt a few minutes and dead silence, I opened my eyes again. “You still have fever”, I concluded when I felt the heat, his heat, slowly getting away from me and leaving my face. But I could still feel his embrace around me.

“And you didn’t bite me”, a smirk started to form on his face and I hit him lightly on the arm because of that. A laugh by me followed.

I stayed a bit after that, infact we starting watching a movie but Hyunjin fell asleep after ten minutes. Yup, he was really feeling unwell. So I silently shut everything down and re-heated the pillow for him and placed an extra blanket over the one he already had. Now I could leave in peace, right? Hyunjin laid so softly there, mouth half open and snoring a little bit, his hair fell into his face. I surely could leave. Okay, so now I was ready to get my real first kiss, this was just practice. Frankly, this is a good moment to look back and ask myself ‘what was I even thinking?’. But there is yet more to come. Past that experience I made up another meeting with Donghyun. To my displeasure, he didn’t try to kiss me. Such a gentleman, after seeing I wasn’t comfortable yet, he gave me time. However, I could not leave it that way, so I planned another ‘date’. Hm, I wasn’t even sure if these met-ups could even be considered a date, but be it. Next Saturday. Within the week, I made sure that Hyunjin was alright though. There was a check-up on him everyday. Mostly he was sleeping and I was just there and watched him, well, watching over him. At one point he had to clean himself up, hence taking a shower. Of course I wasn’t in the room with him, but waited in front of it and ensured he didn’t faint or something. “Don’t hurt yourself on Saturday”, with a smile I put a towel on his head and lightly brushed over his hair, drying it off. While Hyunjin sat silently on the toilet seat and just let it happen. “Why would I hurt myself?”, he asked, looking at the ground. “Because I am not here to take care of you”, I giggled and put the towel down. When the big day came, I will admit that, I extra dressed fancier than usual. It was like my favorite outfit, but with a bit of make up and not the usual pair of sneaker, it was suited for a ‘date’ as well. Not gonna lie, but my mood was so good and nothing was able to change that. Well, turned out one thing was. My phone vibrated, a message from Donghyun was incoming. ‘oomf just told me about this party, wanna go there instead?’, the real answer was the hell no, but I typed a ‘sounds fun, yeah’ instead. So then not much later I found myself on this big ass party with people I barely or never seen before, my partner for the night nowhere to be seen. He probably needed to get ready and was on this way - at least that was what I told myself. Standing at the side with a drink in the hand, I wasn’t alone for long. “y/n what are you doing here? Did not expected to see a familiar face”, Jisung stumbled over to me and seemed genuinely surprised to see me here. “I’m here with Donghyun..I think”, shrugging my shoulders and sounding off, I doubted if I was believing my own words and so did my friend. “Donghyun? He just left together with a girl, there”, pointing to the door, Jisung gave me a pitiful look. What. It was clear what to do here. Brushing off my drunk pal and through the mob of people, I ran out the door to get him. He, and I won’t repeat myself, won’t do that to me and think he can get away with it. The fresh and cold air outside felt so odd, compared to the hot and warm people inside, on top with the sticky and smelly air. But then I seen him, holding hands with a girl. Blond haired and wiggling around his side. And now I was really asking myself what the hell lead me to this situation and what I should do. The urge to hurt him like he did to me, was so big, I felt it consuming me and the more and more I started to see red. Storming over to him, I yelled his name. Big, innocent, puppy eyes, he blinked at me, “ ’cuse me?”. “You are not excused. Do you remember me? Your date.”, the only thing missing to complete the full look of a clown, was the make up now. Given, I would probably cry after this, so that look wasn’t far away. Either way, for now I had my arms crossed and glared knifes, swords and guns at him. Donghyun seemed to remember me now, but I wasn’t sure if that was a win or not. “Dating involves kissing. Don’t wish too much”, he said with a grin, putting his arm around the clueless girl next to him. Dang that hurt. “I limited myself to only humans to kiss and not octopuses that have their hands everywhere. Don’t you wish too much”, yeah I know that counterattack sucked, but I was hurt and bad at these things anyway. But at least it seemed as if he was confused by my words. He glanced to the girl next to him, with a bewildered look on his face. “Have fun kissing her then”, wow, that felt like power. Not for long, but I felt really sassy and cool. Sadly the next sentence of him, changed that. “Thank you, we already had.”, a presumptuous wink of him let me nearly threw up - sometimes the less you know was indeed the better - which was interesting since I hadn’t even touched much alcohol this night. My cup was still more than half full. To his misfortune, I might add. Without further thoughts and doings, I emptied the cup in my hand over him. A mix of brown and black splashed over him and the girl jumped to the side with a disgusted look on her face. Soaking wet, Donghyun looked like he couldn’t believe what just had happened. I smiled like the fool I was and winked back, before turning around and leaving the pair alone. Of course I wasn’t returning to this hell place of a party. No, there was only one way to go and that was straight towards Hyunjin. Not gonna lie, but I felt very strong for not crying on my way to him. But once there and after he let me in, the gates were open and tears, or rather little waterfalls, were running down my face. I crashed onto him and complained to him about my suffering and the pain I just had experienced. Backing off from him, a sad smile started to form on my face though. I cried a smiley on his shirt with my tears. Looking at what I just did, that actually lead me to a realization. “Why are you dressed? You are sick and should be in bed.”, my voice sounded weak and nasal, I was truly not in the position to give any commands right now. Yet I did. He actually looked very chic, sweatshirt, leather jacket and black jeans. Hair was nicely done and styled. “I was about to leave for a party, till you interrupted me”, he answered sourly. “Oh, sorry”, I wiped my own tears away and turned around to leave him then. “Wait- where are you going?”, Hyunjin looked at me with a confused, yet angry look. “Home? If you want to leave, then I won’t bother you. It’s okay”, said the girl who spend ten minutes crying in the chest of her best friend, over a boy who treated her like a clown. Yup, sounds about legit. “No, stay here, it makes it actually easier if you’re already here..”, huh what was he even talking about? But after he kicked his shoes off, I walked after him into his room. I felt like there was a detail I was missing out here. Still sniffling from my emotional outburst. Weirdly enough I forgot about that, because right now Hyunjin was more confusing - which said a lot. A glance at one of the clocks in his room, told me it was close to 1am and maybe that was reason he was acting so unusual. “You should really sleep. It’s not good for you to be up so late, especially when being sick”, I watched him, taking his jacket off and feeling tired myself I was one to speak. “I don’t know why you’re even planning on attending a party, when you’re sick, with fever. I mean, you should really take better care of you.”, rambling mode was definitely activated. “You’re hopeless dumb.”, my best friend brushed through his hair, ruining the perfect fit of it. Of course Hyunjin was right, but why was he telling me that now? As if I didn’t knew that already. Donghyun was an asshole and if I had trusted my guts or well, the obvious more, than this wouldn’t had happened in the first place. I sank down on his bed, closed my eyes and hugged my knees, “I know”. Once closing my eyes and being in this familiar environment, I remembered the feel of his lips on mine again. Wait a second- he was leaving for a party. My party? “Did you wanted to look after me?”, opening my eyes, I let myself fall back on his bed, starring at the ceiling of his room. “Maybe”, now I heard how he changed his clothes. Hyunjin was stupid enough to think I would believe he was interested in really leaving his bed or even house, for a party, when feeling like shit. He wasn’t attending any of his courses this week and I looked for him everyday. But there was more behind it. “Sorry for being so selfish and careless with you.”, I then said, without a warning. Now he stopped changing his clothes and I knew he looked at me, thinking about what to say and how to answer this. But he said something, sadly I couldn’t hear it. Already in land of dreams, this was impossible. However, this isn’t the end of the story. I woke up a few hours later, room dark and wrapped up in a blanket. A shadow next to me, Hyunjin for sure. I poked him lightly, but he continued snoring. “I am dumb for thinking Donghyun was really interested in me and for the kiss thing too. I should have listened to you”, I sighed deeply and changed my position in bed. Hyunjin was so nice to take my shoes off, but the rest of my outfit was like before. So I fumbled with my jacket. It was too hot, really. Well lying there in the darkness and talking to myself, I didn’t really expected an answer after all, but after getting one it wasn’t much surprising that my heart stopped beating for a bit. “You’re right, but it is how it is.”, Hyunjins husky voice echoed through the room, followed by a little scream by me and then laughter by him. “How dare you-”, I hit, how I believed, his shoulder and he laughed even more. God, this was so embarrassing, even for our relationship. “You never told me how the kiss was. Did I bite you?”, he then asked out of the blue and what should I say? Thanks to the darkness, he couldn’t see me. “Uhm..it was..ahh I don’t have any other examples to compare you to, so how can I judge it?”, the warmth on my face wandered down my other body parts now. This was new, guess the embarrassment reached, once again, another level. “But you can tell me if you liked it or not”, Hyunjin hesitated saying this. Oh well, my head snapped to the side. Of course I couldn’t see his face, but I had to make sure he was lying there and just had said that. “I did”, whispering silently, my voice was so small and my body so hot, I felt like exploding at any second. Him taking my hand in his, wasn’t helping at all to my condition. “Do you uhh..want another one so you can compare them with each other?”, was my best friend serious at this point? Despite everything I started laughing out loud. “You can’t compare kisses from the same person Hyunjin”, a wide smile broke out on my face. “Only making sure, your horizons are expanded“, this excuse, wow. Just, wow. Lifting my and then his blanket up, I inched closer to him and rested my head against him. I only made the dumbest of decisions, so this here could only lead to a better ending, right? And even if not, I already got the worst cold ever, so exactly how much down could it get. At least Hyunjin now knew how it felt to kiss someone with fever. “And?”, he asked and certainly knew for a fact what I was thinking. “I already told you, you can’t compare kisses from the same person with each other. Both was the same.”, I closed my eyes and smiled to myself, snuggling closer. He put his arms around me and pressed me against him. Can’t really say I didn’t liked that. For sure he was on his way to the same party to look after me and the reason he didn’t wanted to kiss me, certainly wasn’t his fever. Though I wish I had listened to him. This cold was nasty and it had only started. However, I had such a feel that there was someone who liked to take care of me. Perhaps my boyfriend.

[arituzz]

Party Games 7

-SNOWBAZ-

How to fall for your enemy—A Dummies Guide

[1. Set the game] [2. Play like you mean it] [3. Keep playing and don’t ask][4. Poker Face] [5. Play dirty] [6. Show him what you’ve got] [7. (Don’t) Fall in the trap] [8. Cards on the table] [9. Play the game of love]

Summary: Playing games is an innocent and harmless thing to do. Except when you get so caught up in the game that don’t know if you are playing or not anymore, and then… Well. Then you burn

Chapter word count: ~2.4k

Rating: M

Tags: Watford, eighth year AU, alcohol, enemies to lovers, enemies with benefits, NSFW, smut, mutual pining, fluff, alternating POV first person

Also on AO3

Thank you @velvetnoodle for being my amazing beta!

7. (Don’t) Fall in the trap

SIMON

I wake up to Baz sleeping on my chest.

We’re on his bed, I think. Not that it matters.

What matters is Baz’s peaceful face. He’s impossibly graceful, even when sleeping. His hair falls in beautiful waves across his face, his nostrils slightly opening to allow the air in. His chest rises and falls as he breathes, soft sounds escaping his faintly parted lips. He looks so relaxed that he doesn’t seem evil at all. (He doesn’t even feel evil, lately.)

Baz looks fragile right now. But not the something-I-could-easily-finish-off kind of fragile. He looks like something I want to protect.

I resist the urge to tuck his hair behind his ear and ignore the Penny-like voice in my head warning me, “Five times, Simon.”

No, he doesn’t feel evil. Baz feels like home. (And I’m not getting up.) (Like, ever again.)

Baz. What matters is Baz.

Baz grinds his teeth together and clenches his jaw, which tells me that he’s about to wake up. (He always does that.) But I just… want to stay longer just like this.

BAZ

When I wake up, Simon is in the exact same spot he was when he fell asleep: Below me. Even with his eyes closed, I can tell he’s awake. (I know Simon’s sleeping face, trust me.) (It usually involves a greater deal of slobbering.)

I assume he’s pretending to sleep only because he regrets being in my bed in the first place. Either way, I won’t pressure him.

I will just…

I will just stay a little longer like this.

SIMON

Baz isn’t moving but I know he’s not sleeping. I wonder what’s keeping him from getting up.

Then I realise one of my arms is wrapped around his shoulder, immobilising him. I guess I should move it aside and free him. Yeah, I should do that. It’s what anyone would do.

But I don’t want to. (I don’t want him to go.)

BAZ

Snow’s stomach growls but neither of us moves.

Listen, I know that the longer I stay with him like this, the greater his absence will hurt me. I fucking know. But that won’t stop me from indulging myself as much I can. It’s like I’ve been presented a treasure, something I’ve wanted my whole damn life, under the condition that I had to return it the next day. Could anyone blame me for wanting that day to last forever?

Well, I’ll fucking murder time if I need to.

Simon’s stomach growls again, reminding me of how poorly he’s been eating these past few weeks. (Mostly because he’s been stressing out about playing his stupid game with me.)

Even if it’s his own fault, and even when I’m still supposed to hate him—I obviously don’t—my contradictory wish to stay with Simon is only overpowered by the urge to give him whatever he needs.

Carefully, I retrieve Simon’s arm from my shoulders and I sit up. (A bloody Struggle.)

Simon opens his eyes but still doesn’t move from my bed. He runs a hand through his messy curls and says, “Hey.”

“Good morning.” I don’t call him ‘darling’ like I did yesterday, this time he might actually hear me. Snow averts his eyes as I get dressed. When I’m done, I tell him, “I’ll go get some sandwiches.” I don’t ask him to come with me, I don’t want to give other people the chance to see him and snatch him away from me. (I just want him to stay here forever.) (Or, at least, the rest of the Sunday.)

Simon nods. “Okay.”

SIMON

I’m still on his bed when Baz comes back. He’s brought enough sandwiches to feed an entire army. “Cook Pritchard insisted,” he says.

Baz would never let me eat on his bed, so I take one of the sandwiches and settle on my bed instead. He gives me one of his death glares that probably translates into “I know it’s your bloody bed, but it’s still fucking gross.”

I shrug. Baz rolls his eyes. (Romantic feelings aside, I still like getting under his skin.)

Baz doesn’t like eating in front of people. He never does. But I know he eats when no one can see him. (Like at night, when he thinks I’m asleep.) After going with him to the catacombs yesterday, I thought he’d be past this. But he isn’t, apparently.

“Uhm. Do you need to… You know, get back to the catacombs?” I ask.

Baz avoids my stare. “Not yet,” he says, but still doesn’t eat.

I take one of the sandwiches and give it to Baz. “Just eat.”

“Uh… I’m not hungry.”

“Baz,” I say. “It’s fine. I… I like it.” I like you, I think, but I don’t tell him.

Reluctantly, Baz takes the sandwich and gives it a bite.

I don’t know why but that makes me smile. Like, Smile, capital S. Shit-eating grin, with teeth and all. Baz will never admit it but I can see him fighting back a smile.

When we’re done with breakfast—or lunch, I don’t know—Baz spells my bed clean of breadcrumbs.

I don’t want to leave the room—I don’t want to leave Baz—so I take out my magic words homework and sit on my desk. “Uhm… Baz?”

He cocks an eyebrow at me. “Yes?”

“Can you help me with this?”

BAZ

Snow actually listens to me while I explain him what’s wrong with his homework exercises. He doesn’t protest, he just nods along and corrects them. I have to admit he’s not that bad at it when he tries.

When we’re finished, I regret not having explained it all wrong to him, so now I could have an excuse to go over the exercises again. (And stay more time with him.)

Snow grabs the papers to put them back into his bag, but Simon can’t help being Simon—not even for a bloody day—and he cuts his finger with the paper sheet.

A drop of blood appears on the tip of his index finger and I have to remind myself to stay put.

Simon notices my distress and starts walking towards the door. “I’ll go--”

“Don’t,” I shout after him. He stops on his tracks, turning around. “You don’t need to go,” I say. “I can help.”

“Okay.”

I take his finger and cast Get well soon.

And then I kiss it.

SIMON

There are only two explanations: Either I’m dreaming, or I have magickally stepped into a parallel dimension. (I think the first one.)

That, or Baz is really kissing my finger.

But that’s impossible, right?

I want him to stop kissing my finger and start kissing my lips instead.

BAZ

Simon is looking at me in that way he does, that tells me something incredible is about to happen.

SIMON

Baz’s lips are so close and I can only think about kissing him. It seems that’s all I can think about, lately.

BAZ

We kiss, like we’ve done so many times before. Except, this time, it’s me who starts the kiss.

I kiss him, because I’m an idiot. Because I’m stupidly in love with him. And because a small part of me—an awfully dumb one—believes he can also, maybe, someday, love me back.

SIMON

It’s a soft kiss. Baz’s hands are on my face and I put my arms around his neck.

Baz lets out a low moan against my mouth and I… want to stay like this forever.

But this isn’t a dream.

This isn’t a parallel dimension, either.

And yeah, there is a third explanation: Baz is still playing the game. And I’m an idiot and have fallen in his fucking trap.

I let go of him.

I make sure to slam the door behind me as I run away from Baz.

BAZ

I don’t dare follow Simon.

I knew it. I’ve always known. Since Simon started his idiotic game, I fucking knew that sooner or later it would end. Still, I can’t believe I was so bloody foolish so as to hope he would get feelings for me along the way.

SIMON

I’m on the ramparts before I know what I’m doing.

I sit on the floor, around the same spot Baz and I were yesterday. Placing my palms on the ground, I rest my weight on my hands, and I look up at the sky.

Even though it’s not completely dark yet, I try to remember where the Perseus constellation is supposed to be. As I do, my hand makes its way to my chest, tracing the moles I have there, the same way Baz did yesterday.

The wind blows against my face, making me shiver. That’s weird. I’m always warm, and I’d swear yesterday night was even cooler. Plus, Baz was here, and he’s freezing. But somehow I feel colder today. Is it possible to physically miss someone? Because I think that’s what’s happening to me.

Baz. I fucking hate him.

(I don’t.)

Merlin.

I sigh. Because what else can you do when you realise you’re stupidly in love?

I just fucking miss Baz.

BAZ

When Simon gets back to the room, it’s way past midnight.

The last thing I want now is dealing with him rejecting me—again—so I pretend to be sleeping. I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Or never.

SIMON

After everything that happened this weekend, going back to the weekday routine seems as easy as learning Arabic in one afternoon.

During magic words, I almost lose my shit. We go through the exercices I did with Baz yesterday and my traitorous thoughts can’t stop providing me very vivid images of Baz kissing me. Also, the tosser keeps sending glances over at me, so he makes sure that not even a second passes without me acknowledging his existence. (As if I weren’t already hyper aware of it.)

By lunchtime I’m about to go off.

BAZ

I take another swig of my tea as I regret every last decision I’ve made in my life.

Dev is telling Niall how “sparkling” and “deep” his eyes are. I roll mine for the umpteenth time. Niall actually fucking blushes and draws Dev closer to him, kissing his lips, no consideration towards me whatsoever. I am fucking family, for Crowley’s sake.

And after Snow rejecting me yesterday, the last thing I need is a live display of teenage hormones.

Speaking of which, Snow is about to go nova at the other end of the dining hall. I wish I could go there and calm him down, like I did the other day.

But I fucking can’t. I have no right. Snow made sure of it.

SIMON

“Staring at the plate isn’t going to make the food disappear,” Penelope says, bringing me back to reality. “I thought you loved Watford’s roast beef.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m just not hungry.”

Penny furrows her brow. “What are you sorry for?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. Everything?”

“Simon,” she says, shifting her position on the chair so that she’s facing me. “Stop thinking everything depends on you.”

Penny’s gaze lacks its default accusatory, judgmental, undertone. Her expression is soft, and I think she’s worried about me. But that makes me feel worse. I don’t want her to worry, it’s not her fault. It’s Baz’s fault. Everything is Baz’s fault.

I stare at him. He catches my eye momentarily and then looks down at his tea, his hand playing with the spoon. And I can’t help but wonder if he’s okay.

I look back at Penny. “Simon?”

I don’t say anything—I can’t, really—I just take her hand and look her in the eye for a moment. I glance at Baz, then stare back at Penny again. And she just knows. She knows what I’m trying to say: I’m in love with him.

I love when I don’t need to use words to make Penny understand me. I don’t think I’d be able to tell her everything out loud.

She doesn’t say “I told you, Simon,” which would be fair. She squeezes my hand, meaning: “I know.”

I bite my lip and squeeze Penny’s hand back.

She twitches the corner of her lips into a tiny smile, which means, “I’m here.”

I wonder if Penny has cast a silent spell or something to make me feel better, because it’s like magic: Even though everything is exactly the same, my mood is instantly lifted. And I know I’ll survive. I mean, I’ve killed a dragon; surely handling unrequited love can’t be that hard.

I smile back at her.

Slowly, an idea starts to take shape in my head, and by the end of the day I’m sure of it: I want to try it with Baz. The friendship thing. This could obviously also be a part of his evil plan but, whatever. I’ve decided I’d rather be Baz’s friend than his nothing-at-all.

I don’t know, I just fucking miss him.

BAZ

When I get back to the room, Simon is already there. He’s pacing nervously across the small space in the room. “Snow. Stop.”

Simon stops to look at me. “I—” he starts. Then, he avoids my stare and starts pacing again.

“Just sit the fuck down.”

Simon obeys me, sitting on the chair before his desk, only to start tapping his foot against the leg of the chair.

Asking Simon to calm down is like asking a stone to start speaking. (Stupid. Pointless.) I sigh. “What is it, Snow?”

Simon looks back up at me. He swallows and says, “I like this.” My heart does a little flip, because I imagine him saying, “I like you, Baz.” But instead, he continues, “Being friends. I like it better than fighting.”

Still, it’s more than I’d ever hoped for. “Fine,” I say, my voice breaking.

Simon stands up and comes closer. And then he hugs me.

My knees almost give out. Crowley, he can’t just go and do shit like that without a warning.

When I’m recovered, I melt into his arms like the weak person that I am. Because I love him. And he likes this better than fighting.

SIMON

Baz hugs me back.

Okay, yeah, I’m like so deep into his trap that it’d take me years to find the way out.

But I don’t care. I don’t want any way out. I’d gladly fall in it again—fucking jump right in—if that meant one single more moment like this with Baz.

-TBC-

(snowbaz fic masterlist)