#uhh and a major fear of death/not existing but how do u even tag that

[davepetea]

"The crow is dead."

"What do you mean it's dead?"

"It's just... dead."

Dirk doesn't understand. He wasn't there. You or Dave never liked to talk about anything that happened during the game. Even in those very early moments, where things seemed... Simpler. "Talk to me," he urges.

After a moment, you pick up your head and think, trying to make it sound matter of fact. Like it doesn't physically make your throat tighten when you talk about even the tiniest things from that time. Even just having a chill chat with a bro about cool magic shapeshifting powers can bring up bad memories and kill your vibe. "It's just the sprite... It was a dead crow. It was..." you shrug, "already dead when I- Dave, prototyped it."

He interrupts before you can think much further about it, "and? Nepeta was dead wasn't she? I mean... You. Weren't you?"

You flinch at the reminder, the memories that flash through your mind whenever you think about it are not pleasant. Unlike the crow, who presumably didn't see it's death coming, and wouldn't have felt a thing, Nepeta knew she was going to die. And she felt it. All of it. "Yeah. But we- I- Nepeta. Is part of this timeline." You point at the ground as if to make a point. "She's supposed to exist. She's the only part of us that was supposed to come through the end, we think. Dave is sort of like... A symbiote? He's not... I'm? not... from this timeline." Dirk opens his mouth to say something again, seemingly something reassuring, but you put up your hand to stop him. "We have Nepeta's memories, and Dave's. But not the crow's. The crow is just sort of... In there? Maybe it's the game," you shrug. "Maybe the crow wasn't important. Maybe it was just... A shape for the Kernelsprite to take. It may aswell have been an inanimate object."

This time, Dirk nods at you, his way of asking permission to speak. You half smile, to say you're done, for now. "Then, this whole... Becoming Dave and Nepeta thing... And your not-quite-sprite variant. That's just par for the course of being whatever you are. But... you can't be the crow. That makes sense," he nods, full of scientific postulating.

As if to remind him, and yourself, of the possibilities, you click your fingers. One. Then, you shift from the Dave form that you've been in for the last couple of days, straight into Nepeta. The troll-ish grey skin, the horns, your hair although still a mild rainbow hue, takes on the solid properties of troll hair and fills in mostly black, and the colour still shows in the light reflected off it. You click your fingers again. Two. Then, you let your tail grow out, green furred and entirely not-natural. You slowly take on your custom Davepeta shape, orange skin, green fur on your lower legs as they twist into catlike paws. All a property of the magic from the end-game. You were allowed to become something of your own when you were revived. You decided to keep some flexibility, unlike Equius. You let your wings unfurl from your back, but as you're not wearing a shirt that's fitted for wings, they pull it up and your shirt just sort of sits taught against them, even though it was relatively baggy. You click your fingers again. Three. This time, your body starts to phase out as you go back to your original Davepetasprite form. One that's very handy for getting around, but it is a little uncomfortable for others to be around. Not only does your body give off an unnatural glow, but it flashes and gives everyone around you a headache after just a few minutes. Once your form is stable and you've surveyed yourself, you click your fingers once more. Four. "That's..." You count on your fingers. "Four? Now. This one I haven't done much since I worked it out, but I think... I can..." Your brow furrows as you concentrate, closing your eyes and picturing it. Your body phases in and out, but you stay one sold colour. Orange. You take on a more dave-like appearance, and become Davesprite, as you were before you fused with Nepetasprite. Once you're happy that you're stable, you float to a nearby mirror and look at yourself. You slowly click your fingers, but it's more of a dull snap. Five.

Dirk seems in awe, and he reaches out to touch you, then hesitates. You smile and touch his hand with your own, just the lightest brush of fingers. "I didn't know you could do that. It makes sense I guess. You can be Dave, and you haven't been Dave since before... Dave... sprite." He looks like he regrets saying it as soon as it leaves his lips.

This is starting to get a little emotional, you think to yourself. You've spent the years since the game experimenting with what you can be, just for fun. If you travel to Alternia, you can 'be Nepeta' like this. The only thing that's off is your blood. Bright fucking green, and glowing, like cartoon radioactive waste. You can't even write that off as being a limeblood, if that wasn't already taboo. But any troll form is better than no troll form. But the longer you're 'Nepeta', the more you're... Nepeta. You start to lose Dave. And that's terrifying. There's some kind of deep horror that scrapes at the insides of your bones as you jolt to realisation in those moments, that Dave is slipping away, and you were forgetting him. The deep guilt tears you open. But he doesn't blame you, because he is you, and he was letting himself go too, without fighting back. You don't get the same thing when you're 'being Dave'. You're just you, both of you, in harmony as it should be. Dave doesn't take over. Sometimes you worry that one day, you could lose him. He's not supposed to be here. He doesn't 'belong' here. Your breathing's quickened and Dirk puts his hand reassuringly on your arm. You jump. You're still Davesprite shaped. It feels... wrong now.

"Hey. Calm down, alright?" He knows he has to be careful of boundaries with trolls and pale solicitations... but you're not a troll, you're part human, so being concerned about your friends is normal. You're part Dave. This PTSD induced terror is mostly him. He doesn't want to be lost. He doesn't want to die. And you don't want to lose that part of you. What would you be without him? You may have been a whole person before, but after being this, you'd never be whole again without that. You wouldn't be 'You'. Would you go back to just being Nepeta? Or would you still be You, but all the thoughts that are mostly made up by Dave, would be empty or half-formed? Would you lose all of his memories? You feel Dirk take you by the shoulders, and as you come back to the moment, he's looking directly into your face. "Dude. You alright? You want me to call Sollux?" You realise you were shaking, and now you're Dave shaped, without even noticing you were changing.

With a shake of your head, you take a deep breath, pulling yourself together and changing back into your normal Davepeta shape. Petea shape... And you smile at him weakly. "We just... Really like being Us," you settle on. It's a very simple conclusion to all of your thoughts, but it is the basic run down on it. You really like being You. You don't know what else to be anymore.

Dirk seems to read something in your expression that you didn't mean to convey, and he pets your head. Just the once. Letting his hand rest there for a moment as he looks you over approvingly. "Good. I like you being you too. So does Dave. And everyone." He drops his hands to his sides, but they make loose fists. "Maybe we should watch a film. What about... Time to Duel?"

"Time to duel?"

"Yeah, it's a great film. I found it on Prime the other day. You'll love it. It's completely amateur, but totally serious." His tone is genuine, and you feel safe. You feel loved. You sigh, and let yourslf fall forward, resting your head on his chest. He freezes, but relaxes after a moment, lifting his hands to rest against your back in a sort-of hug.

You stretch your wings open and wrap them around you both as you slump against him, and he holds you up. "Okay. But first we think we need to throw up."