#ughhhh i hope the pain meds start helping more

[bloodydeanwinchester]

ughhh my dog is in pain and i fucking HATE it so much.

[mandelene]

✈: reaching out for someone [bonus points if they mumble! their! name!] — Arthur is the one who has to have surgery this time 😈 post op meds make him preeetty loopy, but he sees a pretty blond Frenchman in the room and knows he’s very much in love with him.

I had fun with this one. 😂

Sir, I'm Married Word Count: 793

“The laparoscopic procedure to remove his gallbladder went well. He’s recovering from anesthesia now and will likely be confused and sleepy, but you can go and see him. We’ll discharge him tomorrow morning if he’s okay and able to eat and drink,” Arthur’s surgeon says.

Although it was explained to Francis that this was going to be a very simple and low-risk surgery with a speedy recovery process, it’s still a relief to hear that his husband is okay and that there weren’t any complications. He thanks the surgeon profusely and goes off in search of his English oaf, ready to shower him with affection while he’s too groggy to protest.

Arthur’s already awake when he enters the post-anesthesia care unit. He looks paler than usual, and his eyes are visibly glazed over and unfocused, but otherwise, he seems fine. There’s a cuff around his arm that automatically checks his blood pressure every few minutes, and he has a pulse oximeter on his finger to monitor his pulse and oxygen saturation.

“Did you sleep well, mon amour? The surgeon said everything went well,” Francis says.

“...Y-You’re attractive,” Arthur mumbles, speech slurred. "Like a model...the under—underwear models."

Francis erupts with laughter, causing Arthur to blush like a schoolboy. Poor thing. “Why thank you. I would hope you find me attractive. And you have seen me in my underwear, believe it or not.”

“But I’m married, so…so...don’t try anything,” Arthur warns, lifting a weary finger and wagging it at him. His eyes are heavy-lidded now, and he keeps trying to raise his head but it falls back onto the hospital pillow each time. “You’re French…Can’t trust Frenchmen…I would know.”

Francis does his best to contain the rest of his laughs, opting for a reassuring smile instead. He shows Arthur his left hand, where he’s wearing his wedding band on his ring finger, and says, “Don’t worry, I’m married, too, darling.”

“Good,” Arthur says with a sleepy inhale. “I’ll…I’ll buy you a drink...What do you drink?”

“You’re in the hospital, Arthur. There aren’t any alcoholic beverages here.”

“Hospital?”

“You had surgery to have your gallbladder taken out. You were having severe abdominal pains and gallstones, so the doctor recommended you have it removed.”

“Oh…I work in a hospital...I like your hair…I’ll buy you a drink,” Arthur continues to mumble, completely disregarding what Francis just said. “You’re…You're not as handsome as my husband though.”

Francis raises his brows and feels a tad offended. “Really?”

“My husband…he’s the most…incredible man in the world.”

Oh, no. He’s not sure his heart can bear this. Arthur openly admitting how much he adores him? He should have him put under anesthesia more often.

“It sounds like you’re a very lucky man, Arthur.”

“I am…”

“But if he’s so incredible, maybe you shouldn’t be offering to buy other men drinks.”

“…Maybe,” Arthur agrees, and an alarm from one of the devices or machines in the room goes off.

Francis fears he’s agitated Arthur in some way or done something wrong, but then the nurse comes in and says it’s because his blood pressure is reading a bit low. She adjusts Arthur’s IV pump to increase the drip rate of his fluids and says she’ll come back to check on him again in a few minutes to make sure it’s helping.

“You’re too relaxed,” Francis teases him. “I made your blood pressure fall.”

“…Ughhhh.”

“Are you feeling worse?”

Arthur blinks twice, raises his head successfully this time, and then reaches out an arm to grab Francis’s hand. “…Francis.”

“Oh, so now you remember me? Things are a little clearer?” Francis asks, kissing the back of Arthur’s hand before giving it a warm squeeze and holding it tight. “Welcome back.”

“…What was I saying earlier?”

“It doesn’t matter. How are you feeling?”

“Tired…”

“Yes, I can imagine. Rest your eyes for a moment.”

“…Okay.”

They sit in silence for a short while, and the nurse returns, this time with crackers and a cup of ice water with a straw. “Try to have some water and a snack, honey,” she instructs Arthur. “Your blood pressure is looking better. I want you to have finished all of the crackers by the time I come back, okay?”

To Francis’s surprise, Arthur actually listens and drowsily reaches for a cracker with his free hand. He manages to find his mouth and take a bite of it. Impressive.

“Do you want me to help feed you, mon amour?”

“…No,” Arthur stubbornly replies.

He’s starting to feel like himself again, Francis laments. Docile, drugged-up Arthur was a nice Arthur, and he quite enjoyed hearing about what an incredible husband he is.

Good things never last. How disappointing.

[humanvoreture]

(🔔 Anon)

UGH I HATE MY PAST SELF SO MUCH AAAAAAAA

Okay okay let me just explain, I once fell in love with this boy, and then once I started oversharing and venting and being overall pretty clingy, he started ignoring me !!

I sent him this long text asking him why and that I just wanted him to tell me why (and hopefully talk to me again) and he sent me this long text back saying he did have a crush on me and I felt so happy :)

But he then said that he felt uncomfortable with how my mood was always down (I was going thru a tough time) and so we stopped talking 😭

Here's where the mistake happened. My friends convinced me to DELETE OUR CONVERSATIONS SO NOW I CANT FIND HIS TEXTS GSHSBSHJSN

I HATE MYSELF NOW I'M EVEN MORE OBSESSED UGHHHH (I've been like this for years)

Okay okay but today something good happened at least :'(

I go to this one class with him, and after I made a loud 'yes' (I did something good for once) he mocked me on another table by saying it too !!

I know he probably barely remembers me, and he was if anything being rude, but I'm so happy he even 'interacted' with me :)

I still dream about him. I still want him.

Sorry this is long, I think I just wanted to write it down? Also what are ur thoughts on this? Ty for reading <3

Mmm idk if you’re asking for my thoughts in a sane and logical mindset or if you’re looking for a more outlandish and mentally unstable reply I’ll give you both though.

Sanely I believe your friends made the right move. He does not seem like he’d be a good s/o if he’s already so disinterested in you when you’re going through a bad patch. Of course if you warned him and explained to him that you’re going through a lot during that time and he just sees that as you being unpleasant then that is concerning and a red flag. However he’s not entirely at fault for feeling that way. He knows he’s not the right person to deal with that and made a correct decision in removing himself from your life. Also if you didn’t tell him what you’re going through he could’ve possibly just assumed you’re a very pessimistic person and didn’t want to deal with that. Again, he would not be in the wrong for setting boundaries or sticking to his ideal type. You friends sound like great people. They helped you avoid a worse heartbreak and it’s good that you deleted the messages so you wouldn’t be so attached and clingy on to every bit of hope and reminiscing causing yourself greater pain. I do think he remembers you however that does not guarantee such feelings would still be in tact.

Now off the meds… this is your chance to slowly wiggle yourself back into his life. You could slowly start talking to him again copying the way he talks learning his interests and then getting into them. You could scope out who he hangs with and who he seems to be close with then become friends with them to get closer to him. Maybe bring him up in a conversation once in a while never too frequently to the point they know what you’re doing just enough to learn how he acts around them and what he does while not around you. He liked you before you can definitely manipulate him into loving you again and if you can’t then you should change yourself so that you can get what you want. It’s all about the approach. Text him again once you guys start talking. Some people like clingy and some don’t. Some like straight forward and others like to be in control. You need to read him properly and go from there.

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️