#ugh. i wouldn't be as annoyed if i didn't have a horrible day today. but come on now.

[sainteclectic]

got a comment on a petre post that says "none of these words are in the bible." can people PLEASE be normal about pet regression for 5 seconds

[velocesainz]

Why are you here?

F1 masterlist | Main masterlist |

Summary: You are an engineer at McLaren and work with oscar, however, the relationship between the two of you is complicated

Warnings: Angstyyyy, mentions of su!cide, happy ending

Pairing: Oscar x engineer!fem!reader

Your POV:

I walked into the McLaren garage and threw on my overalls. This was going to be a long day of repairs.

Why?

Because of Oscar Piastri of course.

He decided to ram the MCL60 into the barrier during fp1 causing the car to sustain some serious damage which had to be fixed before quali the next day.

As I was working alone, I heard someone walk into the garage.

"Finally somebody decided to help me fix this assholes ca-" I instantly shut my mouth when I saw Oscar.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

He's never in the garage unless he's getting ready to get into the car.

"I came in here thinking someone useful was working on my car and to check with them if the damage was bad. But I guess no one is here" he replied curtly with a smirk on his face.

Ugh I hate him so much I tell you.

I couldn't hold the rage in.

"You know what just get out. I spend all my days slaving away to fix your stupid car that you keep crashing and I don't even get a thank you in return. I have to do this all alone because the other mechanics refuse to take orders from a "girl". So sincerely, if you have nothing good to say get the fuck out." I snapped.

Oscar looked at me for a second and then replied "Thank god I'm not in the garage as an engineer or something or else I would have to hear your annoying voice yap all day long and look at your ugly face while you complain" and walked away, thank god.

Thank god this was my last season with McLaren. I haven't yet signed the renewal contact but I doubt I want to stay in formula 1 after this experience.

Heck I didn't even want to live on this planet after what he just said.

Was I really that annoying and ugly?

Oscar POV:

I walked out of the garage and as I walked to my driver's room I tried taking in all the y/n said.

All she did was her job and me being a coward who can't express his feelings just ends up insulting or arguing with her.

I felt horrible. What I said was vile, disgusting and mean. I was going to apologise the next day for sure.

The next day:

I walked around the garage talking to my race engineer and getting ready for the race.

I didn't see y/n anywhere which is odd, she's always there for all races no matter what happens.

I ignored it and went on with the race.

2 hours later:

I can't believe it! I got P2!!

I better thank y/n, she fixed my car all by herself after all.

After the podium celebrations came time for the team party. I dressed up in a nice tailored suit and fixed my hair. I was going to confess to y/n today.

I made my way to the party and searched everywhere for y/n but she was still nowhere to be found.

I suddenly received a text from her

Thank you Oscar for all you've done to help me become a better person. I appreciated the insults to some point but yesterday really got to me. I know you hate me but I'd like you to know that I love you. It's alright though, you won't have to see this ugly face in the paddock or anywhere else really. I hope you live a great life, I sure didn't.

What did I just read? Was that...no. It can't be...

Was that a su!cide note?

I have to get to her immediately.

I got in my car and tracked her location on my phone, driving to her as fast as possible. I hope I can save her, she's my everything.

Your POV:

Everything was ready. The notes were sent. The bathtub was full.

It was perfect. I can finally end my misery and suffering.

I got into the tub, fully clothed, and completely submerged myself in it. I tuned out all the noise around me waiting for death to come take me.

That's when I was suddenly pulled out of the water.

Why wouldn't this person let me die? Why is this person here?

I opened my eyes. It was Oscar.

"Why are you here?" I asked

"Because I love you y/n. I can't live without you. I was stupid for not confessing earlier but please don't leave me" he was silently crying giving his confession.

"I love you too Oscar" I replied

"God I love you more. Don't ever leave me please" he said as he kissed me.

He helped me get out of my wet clothes and he held me close for the rest of the night.

I finally had someone who cared for me and all my worries disappeared.

[pbandjesse]

I am annoyed that I had a package lost in the mail. I got a refund and rebought the things. And it was supposed to be delivered today at the museum but the post office claims the museum was closed. Which is not true! It was 11:40am!!! I just want my package!! Ugh.

But outside of that I am having a nice day. My back hurts a bit but I am in a good mood and it's been a good Saturday.

I did not sleep great. I had heart burn and leg pain. And I was just up a lot. Including at 7am again. And couldn't fall back asleep. At least I got to see James before they left.

I would be up until the sun was fully up at 9. And fell back asleep until 1030. Thankfully most of my pains had gone away. I got cleaned up and just out soft clothes on. I would get dressed later on for work.

I had breakfast and spent the morning resting. I decided I would get a sandwich for lunch but I was not in a rush. I spent an hour sewing for my quilt. And would start getting dressed and felt pretty good.

Sylvia sits really high under my ribs. But still is absolutely on my right side and it is very comforting to be able to feel her move. I am really nervous about having her be here, but also I'm excited to meet her in a few weeks!

I packed my little bag with activities (tablet to draw) and snacks (yogurt and gummy worms) and headed out.

I'm glad I left when I did because it took almost 45 minutes to get the locust point. It should take 12 minutes. Traffic from construction was horrible. But I wasn't in a rush and I had lots of good music so I was just jamming. A lot of people around me seemed very stressed out but I was fine.

When I would finally get to Jimmy John's I got my sandwich and ate there. I would walk around the grocery store for a bit. I finally found a round brush that I liked! And then I headed to the museum.

I got there around 1:30. I was very happy to see James and a few friends. James was feeling a bit sad and frustrated by low attendance for our $5 day. But more people would come in and things were alright.

We didn't have a ton of idea of what was happening with the event. We didn't know who the catering was. And I was like. It's all good. I'll just go wait in the bay. But they wouldn't end up coming for an hour and a half. So I would bounce from back there, to the desk, and back. I chatted with some guests. I chatted with Jesse. I ate to many gummy worms and made my stomach hurt. But I drank water and tried to just be chill while I waited.

When the catering came they have been great. Super coordinated and barely needed any directions. While they haven't been with us for a while, apparently they have been here for years before for other Hopkins events. Works for me.

And it's been a nice evening. People are just starting to arrive now. I hope to get some food at some point. But I had my yogurt so I'm not starving. It's been fun talking to coworkers about baby. And this is a pediatric event so lots of attention on my baby bump for sure!!

Honestly it's great being round. This is the least self conscious I have probably ever felt about my body. I will miss it for sure I think.

Now though I'm just greeting people and drawing on my tablet. I hope all the resident doctors have a really fun party.

And I hope you all have a great evening. Tomorrow I have my first class of the year with the autism society. And I am just hoping for an excellent day.

Until tomorrow! Goodnight!

[wrenreid]

Just Acting

Chapter Twenty

Gifts are exchanged, hot chocolate and donuts are consumed, and your mom plays Christmas music on the tv. After getting the wrapping paper in the trash can and cleaning up the living room, you sit on the couch. Your legs are folded under you, and a soft blanket lays over your lap.

Lola plops down beside you after putting her things up in her room. "When are you going back to LA?"

"Trying to get rid of me already?"

"Yeah, obviously," she smiles.

"My plane leaves on the 30th,” you tell her.

"Okay."

"Why do you ask?"

"I don't know, just curious." she shrugs.

"I think I'm going to ask Conner out on a date," You say pressing your lips together.

"Really? I figured you would say you have no time for dating,” she says.

"Well, I don't. But I figured why not start getting out there again?”

She nods. "Have you talked to Matthew recently?"

"Why did you bring him up while we're talking about dating?”

Lola laughs at you. "I was just wondering." She has a small smirk on her face.

"Shut up."

"I didn't say anything!"

"I know what you're thinking, Lola."

She smiles wider, and you roll your eyes.

_____

"Hey! It's Y/n, I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date maybe tomorrow?..... Does that sound stupid?"

"Be more confident," Lola says, leaning over you and your phone. "Demand it."

"I'm not going to demand him to date me!" You chuckle softly.

She laughs. "Fine, but don't say maybe. Let him know you want it, but don't sound desperate."

You nod your head. "I never thought I'd be taking dating advice from a kid who's never even had a real date."

"I have!” she says a bit defensively.

You chuckle again. "Okay, I'm just going to send something before I overthink it."

"Hey, it's Y/n. Let's go on a date soon?" You text Conner.

"Not bad," Lola tells you.

You sigh. "What should we do today?"

"What can we do? Most places are still closed."

It's December 27th, and you're bored at home.

"Ugh," you groan.

"Let's go drive around?"

"I'm down," you say. "Anything to get off this damn couch."

You get up and throw on black sweatpants and an unzipped jacket over your red t shirt. Lola changes out of her pjs, which you both had been in all day, and into gray joggers, a black hoodie, and a black beanie. You both slip on your shoes and head to her car.

Lola drives down random roads and you play dj. After a while, Lola pulls into the parking lot of a gas station and you get slushees. Your dad always thought you girls were crazy because you'd eat or drink cold things in the winter.

The sun is down and it's getting even darker out. Lola drives around some more and you guys just talk about random things and sing at the top of your lungs.

"Well, I have a date tomorrow," you say, taking a sip of your cherry slushee and texting Conner back.

"Ooh nice! What time?"

"Seven."

"So you're going to leave me all night?"

"I'll be gone for like two hours, Lola. Dramatic ass."

She laughs, starting the drive back home.

After about thirty minutes, you're back home and in your sister's bed. You lay down while she sits in a bean bag chair beside her bed.

—————

"If this goes south, text me and I'll act like Mom's dying or something."

You shake your head with a soft laugh. “Thank you, but I think it'll be fine."

You slip on a pair of black high-waited jeans then walk to your closet where you'd hung up some clothes you brought.

"Flannel or blazer?"

"This isn't a business meeting, Y/n."

You press your lips together and nod. "Flannel it is, asswipe." After putting on a white t shirt and tucking it into your jeans, you throw on an oversized black, white, and dark red flannel.

You'd already fixed your hair and put on natural makeup. You sigh, "Dating is so weird. Getting to know people is awkward and annoying. Why can't someone I already know well just me my boyfriend or some shit," you chuckle.

"Because someone who already knows you wouldn't want to be your boyfriend," Lola says. You glare at her. "I'm kidding. Dating in the adult world sounds horrible. It's so much easier in school because you see these people every day."

"And you have so many options," you smile.

"Hey, you could try girls," she winks.

"I've thought about it, just isn't for me I guess."

"Understandable."

"Do I look stupid?" You ask after slipping into sneakers.

"No. You look pretty."

You give her a strange look before saying "Thank you."

She gives you weird finger guns, and you shake your head with a soft laugh.

“Who's kid are you?"

"Yours,” she says.

"God, I hope not."

The two of you laugh softly, and you grab your bag. You head out of your room. "Bye."

"Good luck, don't act stupid."

You roll your eyes and head downstairs.

"Have fun sweetie," Mom says.

"If you need saving, call us."

"Thanks Dad," you say furrowing your eyebrows.

You borrow Lola's car and pull out of the driveway. The restaurant Conner and you decided on meeting at is pretty chill, not too fancy but not like a McDonald's or anything. It's a few miles east from your house. You drive past the suburban Philadelphia scenery, which is mostly nice houses and a bunch of leaf-less trees on either side of the roads.

Eleven minutes later, you pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. It's family owned and fairly small, but it's a nice low-key spot.

Conner is sitting in a booth inside. He smiles at you, and you make your way to sit across from him.

"Hey. You look pretty," he says.

"Thank you, not too bad yourself,” you grin.

"Not going to lie, I was hoping you'd ask me out. I was a bit nervous to ask myself."

"Why?"

"I don't know, you're all superstar now,” he says.

"I am not," you laugh softly. "Still just the random kid from school, except I'm older now of course."

Conner smiles. "You seem different though. Not a bad thing.... so what's it like out in sunny California?"

"A lot different than here," you say honestly.

"I bet."

"What about you? How's the business?" You ask, and he looks confused for a second.

"Oh, it's been going fine."

You nod, pressing your lips together. "Dating is weird," you say out of the blue.

He chuckles. "It really is. So how's Criminal Minds been treating you?"

"It's been really fun."

"Oh c'mon, give me more than that. Any juicy details?"

"You'll have to watch for yourself when it comes out," say with a shrug.

"Lame," he laughs. "I'll admit, I was a little jealous when I saw those pictures of you and that actor Gubler on the internet."

"You were?" You furrow your eyebrows.

"Yeah. I mean, I've always had a crush on you."

"That's a shocker."

"How so?"

"You never said anything in school about it," you tell him.

"What can I say, I was shy."

"Yeah totally, the big basketball star was shy."

He shakes his head. "Around you, I was."

"There's not much to worry about this Gubler by the way,” you tell him with a blush.

"Really? You seemed all heart eyes for him," he laughs.

"That's funny,” you say.

"Okay..."

"What about you? I bet all of your dad's old lady customers are all over you," you giggle.

"Oh, totally. I get my cheeks pinched every day.”

A waiter comes and asks for your drink orders and leaves shortly after.

"Being in show business must be so much fun. I bet there's always something going on."

"Eh I sort of just stay out of it,” you say. “I’m not exactly a big name, so I’m not in all the drama.”

"What about on set though? There's got to be some drama there.”

You shrug. "Mostly just while we're acting. We're a family. No need for dramatics."

"Every family has drama," Conner says.

"Yeah, you would know," you laugh, referring to the family scandal his older sister brought onto them years ago.

"Hey, ouch," he says playfully. "So nothing interesting happens on set?"

You let out a breathy laugh and look at him questioningly. "We mostly just hang out and run lines. Or take naps. Trailer naps are the best."

Conner smiles. "Bet that's not the only thing fun in the trailer."

Your eyes widen. "Conner!"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Unless you have something to add to that, then I am very curious."

"Shut up," you laugh.

"Hmm not a no."

"No. No," you chuckle, cheeks turning pink.

Your waters come out and the waiter takes your food orders. You decide on a toasted sandwich with fries.

He’s on his phone for a moment. “Sorry, my mom’s texting me about something with the store.”

You tell him it’s no problem and sip your water as the two of you talk a little more. "I'm going to head to the restroom," you excuse yourself and rise from the table.

You get to the restroom and your phone buzzes quickly after washing your hands “Hello?" You answer.

"Hey where are you right now?"

It's Matthew.

"I'm still in Philly," you say with a questioning tone.

"Yeah I know, but are you with someone?"

"That's none of your business, Gu-"

"Y/n, there's this guy who literally just tweeted some shit about you, and it's already blowing up."

"Wait what?" You question, running your hand through your hair while looking in the mirror.

"Are you with someone right now?" He asks again.

"Yeah, yeah this guy I knew in high school, we're on a date."

"Does his name happen to be Conner?"

"Yeah," you say, your chest rising and falling a bit faster.

"Shit. You need to go home."

"What did he say?"

"Don't worry about it, it's just a bunch of lies," he says softly.

"We, l I would like to know what's being spread about me on the internet."

"We'll fix this, Y/n. Just don’t look online right now,” he says, his voice oddly calming.

You nod even though he can't see you. "Right. Okay I'll tell him I have to go. Can you stay on the phone with me?"

"Yeah, of course."

You walk back to the table, not sitting down. "Hey, Conner, my mom needs me to come home," you point to your phone, "Something happened with my sister. It was nice meeting with you."

"Oh okay. We'll pick this up later?"

"Yeah," you muster up a smile.

When you get into your car, you see him watching you from the window. "Can I know what he said now?"

"Just some shit about how you’re a horror to work with and slept with one of your cast-mates in your trailer,” he says.

"What? That's- He was asking me a bunch of questions, I just thought he was making conversation. All I told him was that we were a family."

"He's a journalist, they love making u stuff for and reads.”

Technically one of the things he said wasn’t a lie, but it was not anything anybody was going to know about. You didn’t say it happened, he doesn’t know.

“I feel like a huge idiot."

"No, you're just a small idiot,” he says.

"Very funny, Matthew."

He laughs into the phone and you start the drive home. "When are you coming back to LA?"

"Next week."

"I got those tweets taken down."

"That was fast."

"I'm speedy," he says. “Well, I have people, and my people are speedy.”

"Thank you,” you breathe into your phone.

"Of course. If someone's going to spill the news you had sex in your trailer, it better be me."

You snort. "Shut up.” You sigh softly. “Friends?”

“Friends,” he agree. “I've got to go, my mom and I are taking matching sweater pictures."

You smile to yourself. "Have fun, Gube.”

“And I’m sorry for yelling at you.” Is what you’re about to say before the call ends.

"This is exactly why I hate dating," you say after recapping to your sister what happened.

"Because crazy money obsessed journalists normally spread lies on the internet, I get it, it happens to everyone."

You laugh at your sister, nudging her arm with yours.

While lying in bed, looking up at the ceiling, you realize something about yourself. Matthew annoyed the shit out of you, drove you crazy, and made you mad because you like him. A lot.

You couldn't handle Jordan because he was too comfortable, too boring. And Matthew... well, Matthew is loud and fun and makes you feel things you didn't know were possible.

_____

Lola stares at you with a satisfied smile on her face. She's definitely thinking 'I told you so.' "Just tell him."

"No. Nope. I messed shit up before, I can't afford to do that again. We're finally on good terms... I think, and I don't want to ruin it. And having to kiss someone for work after being rejected does not sound pleasant for me."

"Y/n, just woman up and tell him. You're not in high school anymore, you can't just avoid your feelings," Lila says.

She's right. You really hate when she's right.

"I'll tell him in person. I don't want to do it over the phone, and it'll give me some time to think about what I want to say," you tell her.

Lola nods. "Okay. Deal."

"Feelings are gross," you plop on your sister's bed with an exasperated sigh.

"Yes they are." Lola lays down next to you.

Luckily, you'd been able to go on Instagram and briefly explain the situation from last night's tweets. Most people believed you, and the deal was settled.

You go home tomorrow evening. You were originally going to stay in Pennsylvania until the second, but Aisha and the girls invited you to a New Year's Eve party. 

Lola and you decided to go to the movies together. You got ready and left the house.

The two of you ended up leaving the theater halfway through because of how bad the film was. It made for a good laugh though.

You drove to Sonic and ordered some cheese sticks and milkshakes for you and Lola to eat on the way home.

Since you had less than 24 hours until you left home again, you shared Lola's room with her for the night.

____

On the flight back to LA, you look out of the window at the clouds moving quickly past you. You'd just hugged your family goodbye an hour before.

The plane lands a couple hours later, and you take an uber back to your apartment. You take a deep breath as you walk into the place. It feels good to be back, but you know you'll miss your family soon.

After setting your bags down in your room, you plop down on your own bed. You get a text from Jess not long after saying she wants to see you tonight. You ask her to come over when she can. It's nice to be back with your friends in the noisy city you've gotten so used to.

twenty-one

tags: @pauline5525mgg @theintimatewriter @lilibet261 @greysviolets @jazzymariexoxoc @one-sweet-gubler @thatsonezesty13 @necromaniackat @awhoreforspencerreid @sebs-oxygen @scarredelirium @bts-sugaplum @awesomeness1679 @preciousbabypeter @yazzyu @cynbx @r3idsp3ncer @1010lizz @tiredbut-here @skulzombiw @lena-1895 @eevee0722 @danis-stuff-is-here @kylakins88 @daydreamingqueen1 @regulus-black-223048 @virginmusicloverr36 @inlovewithcharmers @kylakins88 @f-me-reid @matthew-gray-gubler-lover <3

[jaycewrites-192000]

Growl: Chapter 9

Warning: This chapter includes sensitive themes such as language, violence, drugging, and sexual assault (nothing too extreme though). Read with caution.

Tag List: @theravencawsatmidnight @etroman @kaariqueen

Your P.O.V

I made my way through the halls to get to my next class, all day I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday. I spent the entire day with Kyotani, it really was like we were on a date, even though we're both just friends. I hated to think of it like that, but it was the truth. And it would stay the truth until I finally confess, which is very unlikely. I already made things awkward enough last night at the restaurant. I can't believe I told some random stranger that we were "dating". God, why did I do that? I'll have to apologize to Kyotani later. Just as I turned the corner to walk down the last hall before my class, I heard someone calling my name.

"Hey, L/n!" I stopped dead in my tracks and grimaced. And just when I was in a pretty good mood too. Not bothering to turn around, I respond. "Not in the mood today Chiharu. So save me the effort of wasting my time and fuck right off." I say before I continue walking. "Oh really? That's pretty bitchy of you L/n, walking away before I could introduce my friends to you."

"What friends? You mean more of Oikawa's annoying ass group of fan..." I trail off as I turned around. Instead of girls at Chiharu's side, there were tall buff guys. They looked liked third years. "Wow Chiharu, totally didn't figure you as the type to date more than one guy at a time." I smirked. Chiharu returned the smug grin. "Can't say the same for you though, huh? I saw you hanging out with that freak that came to your rescue yesterday. I bet Oikawa wouldn't be too happy to hear you were with another man." Before I could remind her for the hundredth time that me and Oikawa were not in a relationship, she continued.

"I mean, whoring yourself out to every guy you meet is bad enough. But going so low as to date someone like that freak? Ha! Now that's just pathetic! Didn't know you needed attention that badly!" I felt a vein pop in my head. I could care less if she made fun of me, but she brought Kyotani into it. He's done nothing wrong. She had no right to talk about him like that. I stormed over to her and grabbed her by her shirt collar. "Listen here bitch! Keep Kyotani's name out of your mouth or I'll-"

"You'll what!? You won't do shit! And besides, I'm not here to fight you. Like I said before, I wanted to introduce my friends." Chiharu snapped her fingers, and two of the third years grabbed onto my arms and pulled me away from her. I was going to scream, but the third one covered my mouth before I got the chance. "Come on, I think it's time we teach this one a lesson." With that, the third year that was keeping me quite, knocked me out cold.

"Ugh...What...What happened?" I groan before slowly opening my eyes. My head was pounding, and I felt dizzy. My vision finally adjusted and I could tell just were I was. I was behind the school near the dumpsters. Why was I hear and...why can't I move!? It was then I noticed my hands were tied together behind my back. All at once it hit me. Chiharu, the third years, she had them knock me out. My breathing picked up rapidly. Why? What were they going to do? I managed to sit myself up, if I could just stand, I can run back inside the school and call for help. But I couldn't, I was so dizzy, it made standing was difficult. I felt something warm hit my knee, blood. I felt it run down my cheek this time, my head must have been bleeding.

"Come on!" I say to myself, attempting to stand once again, but again I couldn't bring myself to stand, I could hardly sit up straight. A hit to the head wouldn't do all this. "They must have drugged me..." I say breathlessly. "Right we did, sweet cheeks." I gasp and look up to see the three third years from before towering over me. "W-what do you want from me? Did that bitch tell you to do this?" I ask, glaring up at the three. "Oh, she's smart. I like em smart." Siad one of the three. "I prefer them more dumb honestly. But she'll do." Said another. "Yeah, Chiharu told us to do this. But really, we would have done it sooner." The one talking to me crouches down to my height.

He looks me up and down, practically undressing me with his eyes. It felt disgusting. "You're pretty cute. How have we not met you before?" He asks. I make sure my legs were firmly pressed together and close to my body. "I prefer to keep to myself so I don't meet people like Chiharu or you scumbags. Now let me go!" I demand. The guy in front of me chuckles. "Sorry, but no. We ain't going anywhere, anytime soon, princess." He moved his finger down my leg. I kicked at his shin roughly, making him groan in pain. The other two third years laughed at his pain.

"Damn, Chiharu was right. You are a bitch." Suddenly his hand was around my throat. He slammed me back down to the ground, hovering over me. "Hey! Make sure you leave some fun for us!" One of them called. "Shut it. There's plenty of her to go around." Says the one on top of me. his free hand tugged at my uniform's tie, loosening my blazer. "No! Stop! Stop it!" I cried.

"See, I knew you didn't give her enough. She's still bitching and moaning." One of the two said, referring to what I only assumed was the drug they slipped me while I was unconscious. "Who cares? No one's gonna hear her." I yelled and cried, but like he said, no one would hear. "Would shut up already!? I promise you'll enjoy it." The guy on top of me purred into my ear. "W-why? Why are you doing this?" I managed to croak out between sniffles.

"Chiharu figured you needed to be taught a lesson. If you want multiple guys, then that's just what you'll get." I sobbed and shut my eyes tightly. 'Someone please help me...' I whimpered in my mind. Just as the man's hand began to go up my skirt, a loud cracking noise filled my ears. Soon after was a cry of pain. My eyes shot opened when I felt the man's grip on my throat loosen. "What the fuck!?" He yelled. Another cracking sound and a cry of pain, then fast approaching footsteps, and before I knew it, the weight of the guy on top of me was gone.

From what I could see, my tears blurring my vision slightly, was someone grabbing the guy and punching him multiple times in the face before kneeing him in the gut and throwing him aside. The person who saved me walked over to the guy's limp body and kicked at it, yelling out in fury while doing so. That yelling closely resembled a man's yells.

After a few more seconds, the person hurried to my side and sat me up. Now that he was closer in view, I could make out who he was. "...Kyotani?" I whimper. "Y/n...I'm sorry I got here late..." He muttered before holding me in his arms tightly. "I'm so sorry." The dizziness that filled my mind had finally gotten the better of me, and once again I fell unconscious.

I woke up again sometime after that, there was something soft underneath my body, and something warm on top. I slowly opened my eyes, narrowing them momentarily due to the brightness of wherever I was. After a minute my eyes adjusted, I was in a room this time. Not just any room, Kyotani's room. "Kyotani." I breathed. Memories of what just happened replayed in my mind, tears begin to fill my eyes. Kyotani saved me. If it wasn't for him, I might have been...I felt sick just thinking about it. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted Kyotani. Where was Kyotani? "Kyotani..."I whimpered pathetically. From the other side of his bedroom door, I could hear his voice. It was feint, but I could just barely make out what he was saying.

"...She's not coming today, neither am I......Look I'll explain everything later just trust me ok?....Alright, see ya." After a few seconds Kyotani entered, his expression brightening when he saw me. "You're awake!" He rushed to my side. "Are you-Did they-what happend?" He fumbled over his words. I didn't respond, I just stared at him. He's done so much for me. He became my friend when he didn't have to, he helped me study when no one else would, and now he's saved me from a very horrible situation. I rose my shaky hand and gently pressed it to his cheek. "Kyotani...thank you. Thank you so much." I say weakly.

Kyotani put his hand on top of mine. "It was nothing. Y/n, what...tell me what happened. Who were those assholes?" Kyotani asked, repressing the anger in his tone. I removed my hand and turned my head away from him, not wanting him to see me cry. "Y/n?" Kyotani speaks softly. "I really don't want to talk about that right now." I tell him as calmly as possible. I felt Kyotani's thumb gentle wipe away a stray tear on my cheek. "Ok. you don't have to right now. How are you feeling?" He asked. I only shrug, still not look at him. In honesty, I was better. That damned drug wore off, my head was a lot clearer.

I felt something press down at the foot of Kyotani's bed, I glance down to see Killer. His ears were flat against his head and he was whimpering while pawing at my leg. I smile sadly. "Aw, it's ok boy. I'm ok now." I say gently. Kyotani pet killer's head a few times. "He went crazy when he saw me carry you in here. I'm glad my mom and sister weren't here to see it. They would have started pestering me." I glanced over at him. "Asking why I'm carrying an unconscious girl into the house, then having to explain what I just had to fucking see..." His hand moved away from Killer's head, and covered his eyes. He was shaking. I sat up and wrapped my arms around him. "You don't have to talk about it either." I say softly.

His arms found their way around my waist. "Right..." I sniffled. We both sat in silence, just enjoying being in each others embrace. After a moment or two, I finally spoke. "Who were you on the phone with?" I asked. "Iwaizumi. He wanted to know why we didn't show up to practice." I shifted my position to get more comfortable. Kyotani picked this up and laid me back down on the bed before crawling in next to me. He draped his arm over me and I laid my head on his chest. "I won't say a word about this to him or anyone, until you're ready. Until then, I'll be here for you ok?" I nod and close my eyes, breathing in Kyotani's scent. He was so warm. "Thank you Kyotani."

"This will be selfish of me to ask but, can I stay here with you tonight? I don't want to be alone right now." Kyotani rubbed my back softly. "Of course you can." I thanked him again before texting my mother, letting her know I'll be staying with Iwaizumi. I wouldn't have lied but my mom trusted him the most. 'Hope you don't mind Iwaizumi.' I set my phone aside and snuggled closer to Kyotani.

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[theskygivesmelife]

"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

...

[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

...

You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

...

[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.