#ugh the unmitigated jealousy

[lightningandfireinmybones]

okay but valaena agreeing to marry dalton because it would bring her mom an advantage as the CEO. and her whole family doesn’t want her to do it because they know she’s doing it out of duty and not love. she hears that aemond is coming back from his 4 year long business trip and insists on getting married before he arrives because she knows one look at him and she’ll be ready to marry him instead. so when aemond comes he finds valaena as a wife and he’s ready to strangle dalton for touching his woman with such boldness. he doesn’t care if they’re legally wed she still belongs to him. but alicent tells aemond that he has no choice but to wed cassandra baratheon. his immediate response is no that he would never do that but then his mother tells him it’s vital to secure her, helaena and daeron’s life because with the support of the baratheons daemon won’t harm them much. and aemond thinks it’s the perfect way to make valaena jealous too so he’s like “okay i’ll do it.” during their reception party aemond and valaena look at each other with so much jealousy. both wed to people who are not each other. and dalton and valaena are actually good friends unlike cassandra and aemond because let’s face it aemond doesn’t do friends. valaena so desperate to stop thinking about aemond that she drags dalton to a bathroom and let’s him fuck her and it’s good because at least he has his hand on her throat though not choking her like she loves, he’s whispering things into her hear but not as filthy as she likes, he’s giving her scars but it’s not as good and all she can think about is her uncle. she even says “please kepus mark me” in valyrian. finally they come out of the bathroom and it’s obvious that dalton’s fucked her and she doesn’t want people to know that because only with aemond can she show people she’s been well fucked. only with aemond she doesn’t care if people see her sex hair, ripped clothes and tear tracks with anyone else she needs to hide it. and she goes to the room next the bathroom to fix her appearance and as she switches on the light she sees aemond. sitting on a chair looking majestic and like a predator. she knows he’s been waiting for her. he doesn’t move just looks at her up and down and says, “enjoy that did you? calling out for me while your husband was still in you? asking him to mark you while calling him uncle?.” and as he comes closer she puts her hands up to stop him and says, “you have a wife & i have a husband aemond. we can’t. this is madness” and he doesn’t care that they are married to other people it doesn’t stop him from fucking her in the most violent way possible that would leave her sore for days. ensure that dalton can’t touch her while he arranges for divorce papers because he is not allowing his rightful wife to be anyone else’s.

Excuse me hello I’m stuck on the image of aemond waiting in the room next listening to them fuck, lounging like a predator

And he would know that Valaena would be left wanting, he could hear her moaning for him, just getting angrier and angrier as he hears her fake it while desperately calling out for kepus to hurt her in Valyrian

He would be so casual, both arms on the armrests, one foot casually resting on his knee, looking like a creature from both her nightmares and her dreams, tapping his fingers and staring at her like he can see through her

She really doesn’t want to cheat on Dalton but aemond is on her and it’s so good and exactly what she remembers as being what she need

It’s violent and animalistic and after he makes her cum in his fingers he makes her lick them clean, around the wedding ring to another woman

And she’s marked head to toe and dizzy and unable to think outside of him by the end, so aemond just takes care of her, tucking her in and pressing a kiss to her forehead and promising he’ll take care of it

Jury is out on whether taking care of it means killing Dalton or not but she’s too cockdrunk to do anything but go to sleep and hope aemond isn’t in jail by the end

[082112]

I told Nirali today that I decided to leave Outer Coast.

Context: for the past week or two I’ve been having horrible anxiety and it’s brought up all these horrible things inside me. I was afraid I was socially deficient and that I was vain and unimportant and had something wrong with me and would be consigned to a life of being secondary and being lonely, and perceived even normal activities or coincidences as slights against me from people or from the universe. I wanted to leave, and I told my parents and all my friends back home. I’ve been quite short and terse in classes this entire week to all my teachers. Yesterday after crying in front of Nirali admitting just a tiny fraction of this, I called home and then typed out a long rant while crying, lying perfectly horizontal facing the wall in my bed, until my literal eyeballs hurt. I showed up 5 minutes late to SB meeting clearly having bawled out my eyes too. Some excerpts from said rant:

gonna drop out of this microcollege because it’s actually been destroying my mental health and self image for the past few weeks

and i’m constantly convinced something is wrong with me socially

how violently angry and petulant my reaction [to being extended an offer to connect and spend time together with a teacher] was is a clear sign i’m not okay and clearly have some unmitigated issues. but every experience of someone else in my cohort having friends or a good time seems to me like clear evidence that i’m a social failure who isn’t strong enough to see what i do through (re: dropping out) and is cowardly enough to run away from things instead of actually confronting them

like. what if there’s something wrong with me and everyone that has loved me and chose to know me, ever, is because i got lucky

and the reasons i keep telling myself to stay are “i need a transcript from this microcollege so grad schools can see im not bumming around” “maybe my teacher here can write me a good letter of rec for grad school” “how am i gonna explain this to the x scholarship committee that my character and personal failings were so great I dropped out of something I intentionally walked into and was so excited for and told all my friends about when in fact I just acted like a huge petty loser at the end and ran away”

and my god. what if someone at this place saw through all the pleasant smiles and intellect and reflexive laughter and they saw the jealousy and insecurity and anger and fear. wouldn’t that be horrible?

I also texted Sun and Huitzilin about how I wanted to leave. Huitzilin actually told me about their experience too, which reinforced my decision, and I think by the end of the night I had made up my mind I was going to go.

Conversation excerpts from me, there:

Ugh. Is it crazy to feel like you’re losing your personhood? I feel like I should be experiencing the opposite at a place where we’re supposed to be learning radical new ways of understanding the world. But I keep on feeling like the opposite where I’m just a body with obligations to “community partners” and “class” instead of an actual conviction to do these things. And I was so excited originally too!

I also feel mildly insane for the thoughts of like “but no transcript?” (Said in the tone of no bitches? no head?) and like “if I only stayed for 10wks it doesn’t seem impressive enough as a full semester” and “what if everyone learns something life changing the day I leave and I am the only one who was left out on the Forbidden Mysterious knowledge” and shit 📲💁🏻‍♀️🤣👍😅😋👍

yes!! I have talked to my parents incessantly about this because like. I have ALL these reasons to stay. and I’ve been beating myself up over like not being excited enough about them or whatever

but at the same time the only thing that sort of makes me feel better is the thought of leaving

Which probably says something about like, how I’m doing. And maybe my need to go DESPITE all these fun shiny experiences I could have while staying

And so today I woke up having decided that I am going to leave, and lay in bed until around 11:30 just idly on my phone (cancelled my hatchery service and everything), called my mom to tell her I decided to leave, emailed Nirali for an extra meeting, took a shower, went to lunch, went to class.

In class we had some guests, and Matthew talked about a tough event that had happened yesterday - a pair of shoes belonging to a past SJ student was found on campus during construction - and so the Kiks.ádi clan was going to come today and do a ceremony. Our guest Yeilt’ooch’ Tláa shared a really beautiful phrase they used in the Yukon:

Which she wrote and I approached her after to annotate. She had this amazing air to her that felt so welcoming and kind and grateful and it made me feel very happy to talk to her briefly. I found it tremendously beautiful and moving. In this context she said it to the people of history, I think, the people that lived on SJ campus, and the idea that we will not leave you all behind - as in we will not forget you, we will not leave you behind in the past. But she says it’s used for many occasions in the Yukon, not just for the recognition and bearing of history. Teenagers, she said, will say it to each other. If you have a 12-year-old that is slow. If you have a group of people running together. Hél is another version of Tlél (lit. translation “not”), yee is the second person plural, nák_ is “to leave behind,” and gax_too.aat is “we will” + “go” (used in reference to multiple people, who are us).

I thought about this for a while and was moved. I think this is a sentiment I will carry too. It’s reassuring to hear. It makes you feel cared for. And it’s very powerful, too. I thought about all the ways I wanted to bear history and the people I did not want to leave behind in it: my family, my predecessors on this continent, people in the world whose legacy or way of being I inherit, in one way or another, unto myself. And then I started thinking about how I could co-opt this for graduate school admissions (Histories of women? Queerness? Diaspora? Some other buzzword?) and now as I write this I feel mildly terrible about that.

(Quick aside: being here has gifted me a beautiful lexicon. “Ways of knowing,” “ways of being,” “holding things,” and so on. Haa kusteeyí, I think they spell it in Tlingit. Not sure on that though.)

Anyway, after class I approached Nirali and told her that I had decided I was leaving, and she told me that I was a gift, to which I asked for a hug and tried very hard not to cry. And then she was off to the ceremony and I was off to sit in my room and browse the CSmajors Reddit. Matthew said there would be a drum circle down at the docks at 5 and so a little bit before 5 I went down to the docks. I saw the ceremony still going while walking down so I mildly but did not particularly expect them.

I sat on the dock and looked at the setting sun and listened to the Oh Hellos.

I also talked into the SSP server about said feelings. At this point I was having a really lovely day because I had learned that wonderful phrase earlier and the sunset and sitting on the dock was very beautiful. I noticed the tide was very low so I walked down the path next to the science center onto the beach. The water had receded further than I had ever seen before, maybe fifty feet back, and plenty of rocks with barnacles and seaweed and sea grass (I was rather taken by how pretty and silky it looked) and mussels were all exposed. I spent maybe 10 minutes walking in this low tide zone. I tried to climb a large rock but my shoes kept slipping and so I made a smart decision to slide on my butt back down. Then I freaked myself out by telling myself waterlines always recede dramatically before tsunamis and scampered back up to SJ campus. (I’m pretty sure tsunamis are also preceded by earthquakes and that we get notifications for them if we can detect them, but hey anxiety, my old friend.)

While walking back I saw the mountains behind SJ campus. I think it was one of the Sisters. They were tall and pink-shadowed and very beautiful.

I then met with one of my SSP mentees to work on her early action essays, had dinner, found out the drum circle happened ten minutes after I’d left, felt mildly betrayed, and met with my other SSP mentee. I called my mom briefly to tell her about how great of a day I’d had and how it made me feel conflicted about leaving again. Now I keep thinking: but today was so lovely. If I have days like today, I don’t want to leave. There must be many more beautiful things that are waiting in the future here. Won’t I be missing all these new ways of knowing?

Afterwards I went into Jazz’s room and tried to tell her about leaving, but Ben came in and asked us to go to Pell’s. Normally I would say no thank you. But I was thinking, I’m leaving and I haven’t even been to Pell’s. So we went to Pell’s (I wore 4 layers on top and 2 layers on the bottom). It was very cold.

The stars were very beautiful. I was informed that at Samsing cabin everyone could a) see even more stars, even the Milky Way and b) everyone smoked weed together. One part was surprising to me. I did not know that.

I then begged to go on the docks to see the stars better. Apparently the aurora was supposed to be visible on the horizon tonight, but the mountains and town are north and we did not see much. Ben suggested the tennis courts, so we lay down there and I told them that I wanted to leave. Neither of them seemed very surprised and both were very supportive. Then I told them about how I was having second thoughts because of how nice a day I was having, to which Ben empathized. “I had the most fun when I thought I was leaving,” he said. “It was because I thought fuck it and just started doing things.” I agreed. I had just done that with Pell’s.

We also made it a bit down to the docks (it was very slippery, as a thin sheet of frost was intermingled with the top layer of wood) before we went back to Yaw because the other two people had to piss. Afterwards we dragged 3 sleeping pads outside to lie in the grass and look at the stars more. I told Jazz a bit of how horribly I was feeling these past 2 weeks and how I was worried there was something wrong with me. She was very kind and was like, “why didn’t you tell me! It helps to have someone there for you!” to which I was only able to sort of say something about pride and fear and not being able to ask for things in the thick of it.

The truth is that I think I keep pride and fear (and a few other relatives) so intensely close to me, so constantly, that they become my silence. And I really need to work on that. I think I will stick it through and leave. And I know I am leaving because I had such an awful experience with mental health these past few weeks which made me so sad to be here, in such a beautiful place. And I know that that experience happened because I was in a hard place, and I have been carrying a lot of weight, and I need to learn to listen to myself and be more kind to myself. I am horrible and ruthless to myself and I really deserve better. I think I have many parts of myself that are wonderful and gentle and good. But when I get so into my head, all I can do is think about how horrible I am and how vain and shallow and insubstantial I think myself to be. And I don’t really deserve that.

So I think I’m going to follow through with leaving. I need to figure out how to tell the rest of SB and staffulty. To be honest, I kind of really don’t want to. Especially after such a good day. And the kindness and warmth people bring on purpose here. Ben said that it’s hard to leave community. It’s hard to find a place where people genuinely care for you like they do here. And I think that is very true. I wish I spoke to staffulty more, picked their brains more, asked them more questions. But perhaps if I had stayed here and hurted I still would have left unsatisfied and resentful and unconnected. In this sense I think I would like to try again (not necessarily by repeating any experiences, but trying again as in connecting with others again) once I work with myself a little more.

I will miss this tremendously. Already I have a fear that I will never find a place like this in the world again. But I also think it is not wrong to go home. To rest - truly rest - and to ask myself how I can begin to heal. I don’t want to frame this as me blaming myself for ruining this experience with my weakness with respect to mental health or fortitude. Rather just that I am hurting. That is not a fault of mine. It’s hard for me to believe this, even as I’m typing this out in live time. But this is the truth. I did not blow this for myself because I am weak. Instead I am taking care of myself because I have been hurting for a long time. And Outer Coast is not perfect. There is a lot they could have done better. But I do not regret coming here at all. I have acquired many really wonderful experiences and ways of knowing. And I think I have taken a step in the direction of understanding myself the way I did before I went to MIT. That is very lovely and I am glad for it.

I think a lot of the questions are: how do I be truly, actively kinder to myself? How do I live and accept myself as-is? How do I stop taking everything and blaming it on myself as a personal failing? How do I begin to let go of pain? How do I learn to live in the present instead of running towards the future?

Oh, if only not for my stack of unread books… how am I gonna pack everything?!!

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2017: Pre-show

38. Sweden: Robin Bengtsson - “I Can’t Go On” Semifinal 1 - #01

SHOCK BOOT!!! Yah, I kind of really hate Sweden’s entry, not gonna lie. Sorry if you’re a fan, you’ll get over it. :) Eurovision fandoms have truly reached their nadir when “A Lad With A Pop Song About Sex” can be deemed “classy” and “great” just because he wears a suit and hails from Sweden. Lol @ “classy” btw. "I WANNA TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES, MAKE YOU WANNA GO OOOOOOF” The romance is killing me. 

Yes, I hate this because the music, the choreography, the LACK of romance and subtlety... It’s like I’m watching Robin Thicke and you know, I really fucking hate Robin Thicke? Sometimes, I can muster an ironic appreciation for the assorted douchelords if they make a fool of themselves (Imri Ziv ♥), but Robin *literally* sings about how he can’t contain himself anymore and *needs* to have (I presume consentual?) rough sex here  and there, which feels very “Hmm where did i leave my Rohypnol again?” to me.  Speaking of which, “I just can’t go on no more because you look this fucking beautiful ;__;” is the corniest, gayest thing I heard all year, and I sat through WiWiBlog’s William and Deban interviewing Slavko Kalezic. That line is *cringe*, but hey, at least they sanitized the swear words to make it family-friendly(-er?) I guess.  The hand gestures, however... THIS:

is nothing short of OBNOXIOUS (and gay slang for anal sex, juuuust pointing that out.) Who even uses that to describe someone else’s looks? DOUCHEBAGS, that’s who.  It is particularly painful to see such Loverboy Attitude coming from Robin because of his previous track record. About that:

PREVIOUS APPEARANCES: You see, Robin was actually my FAVOURITE out of last year’s Melfest, when he competed with this ADORABLE song.

Still waiting for my would-be husbear to serenade this to me, kthanks (*hint*). 

But while “Constellation Prize” was cute and corny and true to Robin’s chocolate-hearted character, “I Can’t Go On” turns him into an unmitigated douche and I just can’t support that. -- Candice Cody.

ALTERNATE OPTIONS I’ll start by noting that Robin was a SHOCK WINNER. Yes, the #3 in the betting odds wasn’t even expected to win his own national selection. He wasn’t even in the top 5 to win it. EVERYONE was blindsided when Robin won.

That being said, Melfest 2017 was SHIT, so it’s not like there were many options superior to Robin (first and last in the televote only differed by less than 50 votes lmao). Chief Gremlin Christer Björkmann had advertised their All Star Line-up very early into the season (featuring Ace Wilder, Mariette Hanson, Boris René, Roger Pontare, Krista Siegfrids, Dinah Nah, Charlotte Perelli and many others). Unfortunately, NONE OF THEM MANAGED TO DO BETTER THAN THEIR PREVIOUS SHOWINGS and were sucked into the maelstrom of mediocrity which was Melodifestivalen this year. Things weren’t completely hopeless, however. Jon Henrik Fjällgren, a Colombian-born Sami (so exotic <3) paired up with alternabitch Aninia and produced this passionate masterpiece:

The spoken word at the start <3 Passionate and fun as this was, it was let down by both international (*cough* xenophobic *cough*) juries and the basic bitches who dominate the Melfest televote, so it only finished third. :-/ Fifth place went to the bubbly Wiktoria who had previously entered with an upbeat pop song and suceeded her debut appearance with this First Song From A Disney Movie-type of entry:

Bold prediction: Wiktoria will win Eurovision someday.

However, while these two matched their previous standards, neither were a strong improvment over their former appearances. Nobody this Melfest improved.

Nobody except for one.

Claiming “Statements” was better than “Euphoria” is a very bold statement, but I stand by it. “Statements” has EVERYTHING “Euphoria” has to offer and does it better. Spell-binding choreography, fairly catchy hook, arguably better vocals, empowering message, a dancer cosplaying as professor Snape, etc. “My Heart is Refusing Me” remains Loreen’s best SONG, but “Statements” is her best entry.  Unfortunately, at the sight of so much perfection and majesty, I suppose jealousy took over? “Ugh enough of Loreen, give someone else a chance” how about... no? “Statements” would have been the ONLY thing standing between Francesco Gabbani and his Eurovision Winner Crown and I’m all in for exciting, competitive years. It was also easily the best act in all of Melfest this year.  Sadly, the Swedish public did not agree and relegated Loreen to the Andra Chansen semifinal where she was slain by the token Shawn Mendes clone. #CANCELSWEDEN. QUALIFICATION ODDS: Favourable

Sweden is fairly easy to predict because their staging in Melodifestivalen is the same they use in Eurovision. 

What WILL be interesting is how Robin will cope with the changes to his staging. He can’t KEEP his multiple backing singers and four treadmill dancers. He’ll have to pick one or the other. (using dancers as backing singers is a generally poor idea, as Samra found out last year)  Nevertheless, this is *Sweden*. It would take an underwhelming Anna Bergendahl-esque flop for them to miss a finale every again. Robin opens the first semifinal (contrary to popular belief, this is a GOOD thing) and “I Can’t Go On” is one of the few pop entries of that night. Also, he’s a good-looking Swede. I don’t think the qualification is *guaranteed*, but if he doesn’t make the finale, I’ll be surprised.

Now, onto the matter of Robin’s chances in the finale... He’s third with the oddsmakers, which is INSANE. Robin Bengtsson is never going to win Eurovision, nor is he ever going to reach the top five. He WILL finish in the top 10 with both jurors and televoters, most likely, but a lower top 10 finish is what we’re likely looking at.  Projected Placement: 6th-10th