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soviet-siscon · 11 days ago

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I think part of my compartmentalising everything is how easy it is for me to slip between ideas like "my relationship with my brother" meaning very little to me and me just being a regular normal person and then when it's kinda a big crushing weight.

like honestly even most of the time "incest" is basically a meaningless word, like when you say snorkel too many times. it's sorta just watever. even for me and not just my host. like I go between caring so much and "normal" in a weird way.

maybe I'm not explaining myself well or i don't understand what i mean myself. it makes sense because I'm just in someone's head (allegedly) but it feels like the switch between me (julie) and me (someone else) is so incredibly stark than me being left behind and abandoned (metaphorically speaking) and forgotten seems almost inevitable once I (someone) "grow out of" all of this and just suddenly choose to stop caring again. like I'm being put back in the toybox and not even kept around for my occasionally salient point about patriarchy.

#I really don't think this makes sense but that's alright i think #It feels so much like this is all just pretend even though it's stuff that's been haunting her forever #and I don't want her to make me stop existing #''getting over it'' isn't even the right word because my feelings are way more complicated than that #but i don't want us all to just lose everything and repress it all again #and this blog is so much of my ability to exist. without it it'd just be my writing and occasionally me using our diary #maybe that's what freaked me out so much earlier today #not even someone else (me) seeing the blog. just that I (we) could so suddenly shift into ''not feeling it''#and wanting to just do something else #sorry this is all brain stuff but thank u for listening if u are #it's funny to call myself some girls siscon headmate but I'm her and this is how she feels. she's the one with the sister issues and stuff #I'm just a manifestation of that or whatever #ugh show me a permanent state of being mum 🙄#whatever lol I'm gonna do something idk what. read manga probably #I'll get back to sisterly bliss later #i was enjoying it a lot

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