#ugh idk idk i lub you bby i'm sorry you're going through this

[howdoyousleep3]

Yes, stern talking to nonnie. I rewrote this whole thing.

I’m okay, it’s just that I did something pretty stupid during the holidays.

A distant cousin brought her boyfriend to the family reunion. Her tall, cute, funny boyfriend. This description is an omen. I found him pretty unremarkable at first, but we got to talking and even ended up hiking pretty much just us, and I developed a little crush (as in I thought we had chemistry.) It was fine, no big deal really, until they fought on Christmas Eve and she did some relationship-ending shit, and he got reassigned to sleep in the same cabin as me.

He said he wasn’t gonna be able to sleep, rehashing the breakup, and it was very late, and I wanted to go hiking super early, so we stayed up talking. I’m just gonna say it here: we did not have sex. We didn’t even kiss. We definitely crossed a line. I touch people a lot when I talk, and, when I thought I was touching him too much, I made a point not to. Then I noticed he was touching me a lot, lingering. We wound up cuddling on the couch.

So, the stern talking to part is, well, pretty clear, but here comes the reassurance part. I know it was wrong, but it felt amazing. He was nice, and he made me feel so good about myself. There are three reasons why I said no. First, he was vulnerable. Second, though not in order of magnitude, my cousin is my cousin even if I never talk to her. Third, and most selfish reason, I was afraid he was just in a bad way and would end up regretting fucking the fatty.

I’ve not been in a good place mentally, and consequently physically, in a long, long time, but he made me feel wanted. So, I guess I was hoping you would tell me that the fact that it was wrong doesn’t annul the fact that he did want me, because my brain is working overtime trying to convince me I imagined any and all chemistry we had and that he didn’t mean any of it.

🥺😤 Oh babe.

The fact that it was wrong does not annul the fact that he did want you.

My heart ached when I read your "selfish" reason, I think mainly because I'm going through my own body image issues that have bled into what I think I'm deserving of in terms of affection and touch from Husband. The brain is so fucked for telling us we are not worthy of attention and touch and affection and love because of the way we look.

It was a messy situation, yes, but you are no less deserving of those touches than others because your body is larger than theirs.

You deserve those touches, I deserve those touches, we deserve those touches. You are worthy of touches, of chemistry, of connection, of sex, of love.

I think the fact that he was vulnerable was enough of a reason alone to not have sex with him then (same with him being your cousins very recent ex), but that does not negate the fact that those touches were real, as was the chemistry, and that you'll find those again in someone that completely deserves your attention, touches, and chemistry in return.

Your brain is lying to you, you are fucking beautiful, and anyone would be blessed to fuck the fatty, (both you and me).