#ugh I love him too much it feels like a tumor sometimes

[soullessjack]

jack core

[scientia-rex]

Reporting back on this whole "how is life as a new attending" thing: well, the good news is I have money and a lot more time. The bad news is I'm still me.

So we're buying a house--it's taking forever but it's also a really great house that's not like a mansion-mansion but is light-years beyond what anyone else I know my age who isn't a doctor or the child of rich people can afford--and I'm really, really excited about it. But I'm also still depressed, on an SNRI for it, getting godawful night sweats because of the SNRI for it, and prone to severe acid reflux and chronic nausea. Also, there's a random spot in my right lower quadrant that occasionally hurts like hell for no apparent reason and deep down I'm terrified that it's my appendix thinking about getting real infected and rupturing, or an ovarian cyst that starts to torse and then de-torse, or an endometriosis explant that's going to finally burrow all the way into my intestines one of these days and give me, I dunno, sepsis or a hemorrhage or something. Any one of those could spontaneously become a life-threatening surgical emergency with no warning. So yes, I still have anxiety.

I have started to resume something resembling a normal human sleep schedule. I only took a week (technically just under a week) off after graduating from residency. I'd already passed the boards so as soon as residency was officially over and my program director submitted the final things I was board-certified. Which is fucking bananas! I'm still me! I'm still just a weird chump with frizzy hair, two to three chins at any given time and slowly developing jowls, a mustache and over the last couple of years a beard I savagely beat into submission with my favorite tweezers every fucking day, the short-term memory of a goldfish, zero ability to remember anyone's face or name but a near-godlike recall for bit-part actors in television shows based on just a few seconds of hearing their voice, a long-term obsession with Sherlock Holmes since the 4th grade back in the early 90s long before Moffat put his greasy mitts all over them, and some weird kinks I literally never talk about because I don't want to. I am such a peculiar, obsessive, hoarding, strident freak! And now I'm a board-certified physician. Jesus Christ. The only thing worse than knowing that I'm a doctor is knowing that my classmates are doctors. Not the ones from residency, they're all cool, but the ones from my actual medical school. You know! The ones who accidentally boned the same woman on an away rotation they did sequentially and then made homophobic jokes about sloppy seconds! Those ones! The ones who wore shirts with boner jokes on them to class while being devout Mormons who thought women belonged in the kitchen! The one who said awful things about Tamir Rice and then said he couldn't be racist because his nephew was black! THOSE ASSHOLES! THEY'RE PROBABLY ALSO DOCTORS NOW! I don't know for sure because I'm not friends with any of them on Facebook because they're horrible assholes and I called them all homophobic and racist and sexist to their fucking faces, but DON'T TRUST DOCTORS UNTIL OR UNLESS THEY SHOW YOU A REASON TO.

Anyway, I've been finding some solace in obsessively looking at different things I might get for our house. We're closing soon, thank God, but the current owners wanted to stay until the end of August because they're building a new house and it won't be done until then (and do I believe it will actually be done then? No.) and we wanted to be very attractive buyers in this godforsaken housing market where you have to bring an elephant's weight in gold and several wine bottles of your own blood to even get a chance, so we said sure, so we're still a month and a half from moving in. UGH. It's worth it, but it's giving me all the anxiety. I feel paralyzed, because I can't do shit about most of the planning and decorating until I'm actually in the space. And somehow I can't do any of my other hobbies, either. I can't write. I can't bake. I've been getting stoned more often than usual, but I did that on Friday night and frankly it just annoyed me because I didn't enjoy losing the ability to string my thoughts together. Sometimes I'm really in the mood to get stoned and it feels lovely and freeing, and sometimes it's just an annoying hindrance.

And I can't drink because my acid reflux is so bad right now. I doubled up on the omeprazole, which I never tell patients to do, and it did help some, but I'm still always one acidic beverage away from feeling like I'm going to die. I threw up a couple of months ago and I honestly think it was from just having too much acid in my stomach for my body to cope with. So naturally I'm worried I've got one of those crazy tumors, starts with a Z, Zollingers? that tells your stomach to make acid. Do I? Almost certainly not! Will that stop me from worrying about it? Boy howdy, no!

However, I have had some really nice moments. Last week I had a patient who had a history of migratory polyarthralgias. He'd never been definitively diagnosed, though he'd been tentatively diagnosed with gout based on presentation and placed on allopurinol. He was sitting in my office with a huge, swollen, painful knee, and I thought, well fuck it he needs a knee aspiration. Have I done one of those before? No! But I've put enough corticosteroids and hyaluronic acid into knees that I figured I had a good shot at getting something out, and it wasn't pretty but I did it. I got a good sample of knee juice all by myself. It felt great. For me. The patient was in a substantial amount of pain. However, it did give us a definitive diagnosis--birefringent monodium urate crystals! That's gout, baby! Sure, it presented a little weird, but because I stuck a big-ass needle into his knee now we know for sure and I wrote him for colchicine, which somehow no one else had???? despite the diagnosis of gout on his chart???????

I haven't really felt completely at sea much at all these first couple weeks of being an attending. I have an MA who is a sweet ray of sunshine and she is very determined to do a good job, and we get along well. I'm slowly settling in. I feel more and more like a real doctor and less like some crazed impostor wearing a doctor suit every day.

There's bad stuff, plenty of it, but overall I'm feeling pretty lucky. Mostly. Except for how today I had a bunch of caffeine and dairy, so my stomach is telling me that this was a Mistake. But! In counterpoint, the Baskin-Robbins Flavor of the Month was really delicious, and I regret very little. Not nothing, but very little.

[amelink66world]

Love of my Life

Hey guys!! This is the third chapter of my series. Ypu can read it on wattpad too! Enjoy 💞😉

Pheromones

Amelia's PoV:

I have to give Link some credit. He really knows what he's doing in the bedroom. I can safely say that he's the best I've ever had. But he can't know that. Male ego, you know. As far as I've come to know him, he'll start floating ;) Even Owen wasn't ever able to bring about that kind of a reaction from me even after the many years we were together which Link was able to do in just a SINGLE NIGHT !!

I have to say I'm quite surprised.

The amazing sex helped my mood quite a lot. All of the sadness and despair just vanished in thin air with his touch. So far I've been able to successfully avoid him. It's been two days since the conference in San Diego and still I just cannot take him off my mind. I've just seen him around the hospital once or twice. I actively run away whenever I see him. I just dash in the opposite direction. I make sure he doesn't see me. Just one look in his direction brings back all the memories of that night. I just know it in my soul that my self resolve will break and I will jump his bones as soon as I see his muscular arms, his full lips which seem to draw me in unintentionally, his soft eyes, his ton...STOP!! UGGHH!! I'll kill him. I can't even think straight. Ufff.

Maggie has recently introduced three rooms in the hospital as part of her research. I personally like the Blue and Green rooms more. They seem to have a calming effect on me, the green one more than the blue one but it's fine.

Link's PoV:

I've never experienced this feeling before. Not to brag but I'm accustomed with women throwing themselves at me and not the other way around. This woman has been haunting my dreams since the moment I laid eyes on her. I find my eyes searching for her even though she's not in the room. It's been two days since I've seen her. I really think she's avoiding me. I've caught glimpses of her in the hospital but as soon as I reach there, phuushh she's vanished. Ughh. I know she said it'll be a ' one- time thing ' but I just don't want to lose a friend like her. Maybe hopefully in the future things might be different but at least now just being her friend will be enough.

When I heard that Dr. Pierce has introduced three 'mood rooms' , I have to say my interest was piqued. I decide to check those rooms out. Maybe I'll even find her sister in the process, you never know right? ;)

Currently, Maggie and Amelia are sitting in the Blue Room finally having a much needed 'Sister Moment'. Maggie is telling Amelia how the Blue Room works. She wants Amelia to feel better as she knows how she had been recently. If only she could strangle that ginger man and the mother of his child for time and again hurting her beloved sister. Her whole life she had been a single child and now that she has been gifted with two amzaing sisters, she finally understood that she had needed them all along and can't help but feel fiercely protective towards them. No one can hurt them on her watch, she'll make sure of that. She loved them too much to see them hurt.

So here they are in the Blue Room, Maggie trying to uplift Amelia's mood that had been somber for a few days. If only she knew about the conference....

The room has definitely made Amelia curious. She wants to know what this room does. While languidly spinning in her chair, Amelia asks, " Sooo, blue light lowers blood pressure? "

"Significantly. And some studies even suggest that it could even improve your mood." Maggie wants to help Amelia in any way she possibly can and adds, "Well I'm not saying that it's a cure all or anything but you might wanna spend some time...", she trails off after turning her and noticing that she most definitely has lost her audience. Amelia is in her own world lazily spinning in her chair thinking God knows about what. Maggie is surprised to see Amelia in such a good mood after all the Love Triangle fiasco.

She curiously asks Amelia when she sees that she has yet not gained her attention, " Okay the room doesn't work thaaatt fast. I deserve an award if it did but...what's going on? " she smiles looking at her happy expression.

"Nothing" is her only reply. Since when did AMELIA of all people become a woman of a few words? Huh, astonishing.

Maggie probes further, " Nothing?? I can't believe it 'cause the last time I saw you there was a fair amount of crying and absolutely zero chair spinning. So spill, sister."

Finally getting her to answer, " Fine. I might have had some insanely good sex at the conference in San Diego " she says while stretching lazily.

Shock is written all over Maggie's face. How can her sister have sex with a stranger at a complete unknown place? She sometimes just cannot believe Amelia. Many a times Amelia's antics force Maggie to question Tom Koracick's surgical skills. Did that arrogant man leave a part of her tumor behind in her sometimes highly illogical brain? Guess she'll never know.

Chuckling nervously she asks, " Wait, WHAT? You had insane sex with a complete stranger in San Diego? I knew you should not be left alone. I definitely should've gone with you!! Ugghh "

" Hey!! That's mean." Amelia laughs. " By the way, it was not insane sex, it was insanely good sex. And not with a complete stranger. It helped my mood a lot more than your precious Blue Rooom" she sings trying to get under Maggie's skin.

" Oooh, so like a rebound !! "

" More like muscle-bound ", both laugh.

Link's PoV:

I just checked out The Game Room, I realised it can be useful for my patients who have trouble doing PT. Games are a form of PT only. I have to keep that in mind. The Plant Room was actually soothing. I really liked it. Only the Blue Room is left now. I step towards the room when all of a sudden I hear giggling inside the room. I immediately recognize the voice. Amelia!! Finally I found her. I enter the room with a grin on my face, " Knock knock..."

Meanwhile in the Blue Room:

The door suddenly opens to reveal none other than Link, " Knock knock...", he says with a goofy grin on his face. Ugh that mouth!! Ehhhh. What do I do now? I can't even run away! Thank God there's Maggie here.

Link's grin is replaced with a nervous smile as soon as he spots Maggie sitting on the other chair.

" Oh hey. Dr. Pierce!! ". He's just standing there like a dumb person nervously looking between the two when he suddenly recalls Dr. Pierce's email. Now there's a topic.

" Dr. Pierce I took a look at your sternal reconstruction thing and emailed you some thoughts.", all the while avoiding eye contact with Amelia because he knows as soon as he'll look into her eyes, his smile will give away their secret.

" Sorry it took me so long. I was at a conference in San Diego.", Link says, subtly glancing at Amelia's way.

Amelia's eyes widened at his slip up and she jerks her head towards Maggie. " Oooh ", is her reply. Amelia can practically see the dots connecting in Maggie's head. Her back straightens and she moves towards Link quietly scrutinizing him, silently letting him know that she's aware of their shenanigans. Maggie then looks at Amelia with humor and playfulness in her eyes and then looks at Link.

Link gets extremely uncomfortable under Maggie's scrutiny. He chances looking at Amelia to see her reaction but her head his down in embarrassment and she is trying her best to avoid eye contact with either of them. Oh shit Maggie knows!! Link then goes on to ramble, " Umm, nice room...very blue. Uhhh it's very cool", chuckling humorlessly. He quickly acknowledges Amelia's presence in the room, nodding in her direction, " Dr. Shepherd " and leaves hurriedly.

Oh my God that was awkward.

Maggie swiftly turns towards Amelia judging her slightly, " OH MY GOD!! "

Amelia tries to redeem herself by justifying her actions, " It was a one-time thing!! That is it. I just needed some pain management." Amelia then nervously rambles to escape Maggie's questions, "Does this room change colours? Does it do pink? "

Maggie just looks at her smugly, " Didn't I ask you to totally hit that Ortho God in the beginning? Okay so now you realise I was right all along? Heh? Ohh, this is so great. And to answer your question, no it doesn't do pink", she laughs with mirth.

"Oh shut up Maggie. I have a surgery. Bye ". She quickly leaves to avoid Maggie's further questioning and the look of smugness on her face. Yeah yeah yeah she was right. But I can't just say it to her face. She won't let me see the end of the day with her boasting then. I'll just kill Link. It's all HIS fault!! Why did he tell Maggie he was in San Diego? Where is that gorgeous, no wait, scratch that, stupid man?

Maggie can't contain her joy. She is exultant. I have to tell Meredith! I just don't understand why these two stupid sisters of mine don't acknowledge the fact that I'm the smartest and the most intelligent of them all? On top of that, I'm always right. Heh heh heh. Look in Amelia's case, I just knew Link is right for her. I guess I'm the most sane sister in The Sister Lafy Chiefs or The Lady Chief Trifecta...whatever it is that Amelia likes to call it. With a smug look on her face she leaves to search for Jackson.

Amelia gets paged in the pit. She bumps into Link on her way and corners him with accusations.

Link leans down slightly to hear her better as she is whispering and her body is too small and petite in comparison to his tall, muscular figure. He is smiling at her when she says, " I thought we agreed we weren't gonna tell people? "

" Yeah we did" , he looks at her quizzically.

" Why did you tell Maggie you were in San Diego? " Is she blaming me? He can't help but smile at her restlessness.

" Cause I was. At a conference ", he slightly raises his eyebrows.

" Yeah but I told her I had sex at a conference. She obviously connected the dots! "

" No no no, wait. Hold up. So you told her about the sex but I'm in trouble for mentioning the location?!", he teases her. Amelia realizes how unreasonable and ridiculous she sounds.

That teasing gleam in his eye is distracting her. She starts walking away and says, " Okay. Can I just reiterate that it was a one-time thing. It was..."

" Pain management like you said ", he says in a sing-song voice, completing for her.

" There's more to it. For acute pain, not a chronic. One dose. Do not refill ". She stops. Wait. That sounded really really wrong. " Ew. Sorry ".

Link laughs at the unintentional innuendo. That woman is too damn funny sometimes.

She again quickly walks further away from him. He follows her. " I think to be safe, we need to steer clear of each other for a while."

Link panics. How much longer does she want to avoid me? Why? " You have already managed to successfully avoid me for 2 days. Did that help? "

He asks incredulously, " You really think that's necessary? "

" I do. Because...", she trails off and turns towards him. Her eyes slightly glaze over and she stares at his muscular arms and sturdy chest, her mind obviously in the gutter while saying, "...pheromones"

Her answer somewhat shocks Link but he obviously notices Amelia staring at his chest whilst speaking. He then decides to mess with her a little and steps closer to her, " What about them? ", he says with a teasing grin.

She takes a while to answer, still looking at him.

" I really like yours " , she says straightforwardly. Ooh I like women who know what they like.

" Okay then. I'll avoid you completely ", he whispers seductively. Amelia stares at him a second longer, nods and then turns around sharply. She thinks, I have successfully managed to embarrass myself twice in less than 15 minutes. What is the matter with me today?!

" You paged? ", both simultaneously question Richard entering Trauma Room 2. Both of them look at each with surprise. Link has a very happy and teasing grin on his face. Amelia is a different story. She just wants to run away from there. How will I survive this day around him? I know I'll jump his bones before this day ends if he keeps looking at me like that!!  She has a shocked expression on her face.

Both of them now put their game faces on and examine the patient. But the whole while Amelia keeps bumping into Link. Is he doing this purposely? He just knows I cannot resist. Ughh I don't like him at all!

Link is just having a blast. He finally came to a conclusion that the patient needed and MRI stat.

He informed the orderlies, " I'd like to take her for an MRI". He realised that he was not the only one saying this sentence. He turned towards her to realise that she had said the exact same words as him at the exact sa.e time. He smiled at her in a flirting way and she got extremely flustered and turned her head away softly whispering. " Oh God ". Thi bwas going to be an interesting case.

In the Scan Room:

They are waiting for the scans to come up. Amelia is sitting on the chair with Link leaning on the wall behind her. Both of them are painfully aware of each other's presence but don't say anything. Link gets tired of the wait and rests his hand on the armrest of Amelia's chair. Amelia glances at his hand and sharply turns away her head recalling all the beautiful things his hands are capable of doing. She blushed fiercely and quickly whispered, " I have to get off this case."

Link obviously understood why Anelia said what she said and smirked. Before he could say anything, the scans were up. They were disastrous. The patient was at an increasing risk of paralysis if they didn't do anything soon. They agreed that the patient needed both of their surgical skills and put aside their feelings and teasing for a few hours.

In the OR :

It would be an understatement to say that Link was impressed by Amelia's surgical skills. She had precision, stable hands, perfection, calmness, confidence and she knew exactly what the patient needed. This made her even more attractive to him.

He complimented her surgical skill and engaged in light flirting with her. He noticed her obvious smile behind her surgical mask which reached her eyes making her eyes gleam in a very captivating way. For a second there, they got lost in each other's eyes and seemed to forget that there was a patient open on their table. They quickly recovered and the surgery was going really well.

Suddenly a nurse informed them that the patient just lost motor signals in all of her extremities. Both the surgeons looked at each other in panic, double-checking their work but they had yet to make any mistake. What had happened?! Did they do something wrong? But we were nowhere near those nerves!! In the end, the patient ended up quadriplegic.

Both of them were deeply disappointed and disheartened. They were continuously thinking what had gone wrong there? Both came up with nothing. Amelia was more bothered by the surgery and was devastated. She quickly disappeared after updating the patient and her daughter about the outcome of the surgery. Link was worried for her. Where did she go? He was feeling oddly protective towards her and wanted to take away her pain. He wanted to comfort her and quickly found her in the only place he knew she'd be at the moment.  The Blue Room.

He silently entered the room to find Amelia leaning on the wall dejectedly. He closed the door and leaned opposite to her, near the door. She noticed him and walked in his direction. Link saw her sad expression and wanted to wipe that expression off her face. When she came face-to-face with him, he clasped her hands in his and held on to them tightly.  Amelia freed her left hand from his grasp and locked the door quickly. She then held his hand tighter and started leaning towards his lips.

He quickly understood what she needed. He could really use some pain management himself. When their lips finally touched, the failure of today quickly relieved their body and the whole world seemed to just vanish until there were only the two of them holding each other. The kiss soon became heated and Link let go of her hands to wrap his arms tightly around her slim waist. He swiftly glided his hands up her back, one rested just above her hip and the other just below her shoulders eliciting a long moan from her.

She quickly wrapped one hand around his neck to deepen the kiss and the other hand held onto his arm for dear life. Her knees grew wobbly. Link pressed her body to his until there was no space left. Amelia could not even describe this exhilarating feeling. He changed their positions so that she was now pinned  to the door by his sturdy chest. They continued kissing desperately. She slowly started backing him towards one of the chairs until he was sitting. He pulled her to him, deeply aroused, until she straddled his lap. The were sitting chest to chest vigorously kissing in the Blue Room taking away each other's pain. They stayed there taking away each other's pain until there was no hurt left and laid there in each other's arms in peaceful silence for the long night.

Author's Note:

Sooo how was it?? I was just too excited having started my first story that I just couldn't stop!! I just wish that these scenes could be included in the show. Anyway, please don't forget to comment your thoughts !! Until then.

[i-may-have-a-point]

Review of 14x12 “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger”

Incredibly long review - coming your way.

Let the battle begin. This episode opens with a montage of most of our attendings working on, or trying to decide, their project for the new surgical contest.  Usually I concentrate on the voiceover, but this time I think both the voiceover and the lyrics of the song playing over the scenes are perfect for what is happening.

Jackson is concentrating on his spray-on skin project while his intern is concentrating on him. “I’ve got something that you want”

Bailey is struck with an idea while Amelia paces the floor of the hospital. “Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.”

Arizona is eating her feelings in bed and Meredith is staring, frustrated, at a model organ in her hand.  “Easy for Thomas Edison to say.  He had all the good ideas.”

But we see that not all the attendings are hard at work on this new contest as the camera focuses on April just waking up for the day.  She sees a man’s leg in front of her and realizes, along with the audience, that she did not spend the night alone.  “Ugh.  Great,” she groans. “You’re like a schoolboy at the prom, and I’ve got something that you want.”

Vik slept over and that was not part of the deal.  She, not go gently, wakes him up and kicks him out of her bed. “Choices Vik.  Sex or sleep.  You can’t have it all.  Go.”

Based on the wine bottle and empty wine glasses on the night stands, it looks like drinking herself numb and having sex with Vik has become a regular thing for April.  But it won’t happen again tonight because April has Harriet. Vik reminds her that she is supposed to post the contest rules, but she is unbothered by being late.  “God is asleep at the wheel and humanity is locked in the trunk.  They can wait for their damn rules.”  That line gives us some insight into what April is thinking right now.  God exists, but he isn’t controlling anything.  He is just dragging us all blindly through this journey, but he isn’t helping or intervening.  This makes sense based on everything April has gone through.  There are only so many tragedies a person can experience before they start wondering why God isn’t doing anything to help. And sex with Vik is just a way to cover the pain.  She doesn’t even want to have a conversation with him in public much less have feelings for him.  

Unimportant thought: Can we get a scene of April in boy shorts in every episode?

The attendings wait impatiently for the contest rules and banter about their projects.  Maggie and Amelia have ideas, Mer and Alex have nothing, and Jackson has it in his mind that he has already won with his project that creates spray-on skin.  He is clearly proud of his idea and can’t wait to get to work on it. April finally strolls in, not giving a damn, with a hangover and some much-needed snark.  

“Okay, but who’s judging this thing?  Not just you, right?”

“It’s a world-class hospital and a multi-million-dollar contest.  Of course, it’s not just me.”

April snapping back at Jackson gave me joy.  Not gonna lie.  

So, why didn’t anyone notice something was wrong with her?  When does April Kepner ever come in late, with a messy bun, and a hangover? Why didn’t they say anything?  

They aren’t supposed to. Yes, in reality her co-workers would probably at least ask if she’s okay, but this story isn’t close to over. It needs more time to develop and April has more darkness to explore.  And they weren’t completely oblivious.  Maggie and Amelia definitely gave her some looks, and Jackson intentionally looked back at her when he walked away.  But they can chalk that up to April having a bad morning because the most important thing to all of them right now is getting started on their projects. (More on Jackson not noticing later…)

While April wants nothing to do with Vik in the daylight, he is following her through the hospital with coffee and making “I’ve seen you naked” eyes at her.  In no way do I want this relationship to go anywhere other than bed buddies, but can I just say how happy it makes me that the two men April has been with are both incredibly good-looking?  For a girl who grew up with the nickname Duckie, I could not be happier that these pretty boys trip over their own feet to make her happy.  

April wasn’t expecting to find Arizona in the room she ducked into in order to escape Vik, but once she did, she tried to reach out to her.  It’s been clear for several seasons now that Arizona wins the worst friend ever award, but this is up there for consideration of her worst moment yet.  April put her feelings out there, she told Arizona she is struggling and making poor decisions, and not only did Arizona not listen to her, she shamed her.  “This is not about you, April.  Just stop talking.”  April told her she is having sex with an intern and can’t sleep at night without at least a bottle of wine, and Arizona has zero reaction?  I get that Arizona is into her research on maternal mortality at this point, but how can she be so self-absorbed to not hear one thing her supposed friend says to her?  All she manages to do is break April more.  April already knows that God isn’t listening to her, and now she knows her friends aren’t listening either.  So, April further bottles up her feelings and her guilt - guilt that Arizona exacerbated by going on about Karin Taylor’s death.  

Arizona has a small redeeming moment when she brings her proposal to April in the form of Karin’s death and tells April that it wasn’t her fault.  April needs to hear this, although, she probably doesn’t believe it. Arizona goes on to tell April that this is what she wants to study.  She wants to find out why women in America are dying at such high rates during child birth.  April can connect to this proposal more than any of the others. Not only did Karin just die, but April herself almost died giving birth to Harriet.  With tears in her eyes, April tells Arizona, “Put that in writing.  Send it to me,” and we have no doubt that Arizona’s proposal will be accepted into the contest.  

As much as I want to climb through the screen and scream at Arizona, this exchange is more than just Arizona being a crappy friend.  It’s a message to the audience to pay attention.  We all go through dark times in life.  Usually we can recover on our own.  But what if we can’t?  What if someone in our life is depressed and spiraling and asking for help and we are completely missing the signs just like April’s friends are?  There are always signs.  Check on your loved ones.  It could mean more than you know.  

Arizona and Carina – Arizona is dealing with Karin’s death, and it is her conversation about this with Carina that inspires her project proposal.  Carina, being from Italy, has never lost a mom, whereas Arizona has seen it happen over and over again.  So, what is America doing differently than other countries?  How does a country that is supposed to be one of the strongest in the world have such a high maternity mortality rate?  While I have many issues with Arizona in this episode, I do love the idea of Grey’s addressing this topic.  I don’t know that they will solve it because it is a complex, complicated problem, but I am excited to see what they do with it.  Also, Arizona partnering with Carina makes sense, even if it is just a way to put them together romantically.  Maybe Carina can offer some insight into what American hospitals are doing differently than Italian hospitals so that Arizona can try to make a difference.

Alex and Amelia – I like the pairing of Alex and Amelia for the surgical contest.  It is unexpected.  They decided to take on the near impossible task of removing the tumor from twelve-year-old Kimmie’s head.  The tumor is too close to her speech center, so they decide to try to use ultrasound waves to match the tumors frequency and shatter it.  Just like high frequency pitches shatter glass.  That would get rid of the tumor and keep Kimmie’s ability to speak and sing intact.  “It’s gonna happen, happen sometime, maybe this time, maybe this time, I’ll win.” Unfortunately, their proposal is not chosen to move forward in the contest. So that leaves Alex, Amelia, Sam, and Deluca without a medical study and Kimmie with a growing tumor in her head. I thought it was interesting that they allowed the audience to get attached to this patient and then chose not to pick Alex and Amelia.  Clearly, this story isn’t over, but I am a little bummed that these two won’t be competing in the contest.  

Mer and Jo – This may be an unpopular opinion, but I am not rooting for Meredith to win this award. She just won a Harper Avery.  It’s time for one of the other surgeons to be recognized.  To help Richard’s friend, Meredith comes up with the idea to generate functioning accessory livers.  I’m not a doctor, but I do have some questions.  Will these accessory livers all connect to one bile duct?   They would have to, right?  Would she have to reroute someone’s entire digestive system for these to work? Are they even going to be able to go forward with their project sign Meredith didn’t get the patent they need?  Meredith certainly didn’t look so confident when they found out they got in to the contest.  Also, I wonder if they are going to go any farther with the conversations they had about Jo sleepwalking and pinching herself.  

Bailey and Glasses – I love Glasses. I just do.  Watching him try to figure out if Bailey called him to her house to have sex was very George O’Malley.  His face when she told him to get the measuring tape, latex gloves, and turkey baster was hilarious.  I definitely want to see more of this pairing.  But did Bailey’s proposal get in to the contest?  We didn’t get an answer on that.    

Webber and Maggie – I have wanted the show to explore the father/daughter relationship with these two since we found out that Maggie is Webber’s daughter.  There have been episodes in the past where they touched on their connection, but I think this season has had several meaningful scenes showing these two growing closer and figuring out exactly who they are to each other.  This episode heavily focused on building their relationship, which is interesting, considering the “are Jackson and Maggie related” debate.  If they were really planning to go forward with J/M, why create a stronger familial bond between Webber and Maggie right now?  If anything, wouldn’t they be doing the opposite? And not only do they have increased screen time together, but they also are forming bonds overly deeply emotional parts of their lives.  Webber asked Maggie to help him take dance lessons so he could surprise Catherine for her birthday, but their scenes aren’t really about the lessons at all.  The lessons remind Maggie of her parents which leads to her thinking of her mom.  This gives Richard an opportunity to comfort her and remind her he is there for her.  Later in the episode, they dance in silence while he just listens to her talk about missing her mom.  The writers could have had Maggie confide in Jackson, Mer, or Amelia, but instead they chose Richard because the point of this it to strengthen their relationship. Maggie goes on to talk to him about her dating life.  The information she offered may have been a bit TMI, but this scene still screams father/daughter moment.  I also think that Maggie is Richard’s inspiration for his project. He created a pen that can identify cancer earlier.  Sounds like something a father would do for his daughter.  I am happy to see that Maggie is dating Clive.  She has been entangled in triangles for far too long. She tells Richard that Clive is a good guy, and he really seems to be.  They have decent chemistry, and he is interested in what she does.  I don’t like how she ran out of the restaurant after he kissed her, though.  She could have at least explained why she had to leave.  I think she sabotages her own happiness.  We have seen her hiding from men before.  We saw her hiding her relationship with Deluca.  It also seems as if she is looking for something wrong with Clive.  She tells Jackson about her project and notes that he “just gets it,” which of course, is a reference to her having to explain her project to Clive.  Maggie seeing this as a negative to dating Clive is a bit of a stretch.  Most couples have different jobs and need to explain aspects of their work to each other. He may not completely understand what she does, but he cared and wanted to hear about it.  That is what is important, and that is what Maggie should be focusing on.  I hope they keep Clive around because I think this would be a way for the show to explore Maggie’s fear of commitment.  

Jackson and Catherine – In my 14x03 review, when Harper Avery shows up at the hospital, I said that I thought Jackson was also going on a journey this season.  Both he and April are looking for something they need – happiness, faith, answers, something to complete the emptiness.  Recently, I went through and just watched Jackson’s scenes from all of season 14.  Mixed in with all the other stories, it is hard to see Jackson’s journey, but in isolation, I think it is clearer.  And I expect many of you to disagree with me on this, but I don’t think Jackson’s story this season is about Maggie at all.  A lot of us saw April’s break coming.  Her clues were fairly obvious.  I am wondering how far back with are going to say this has been building.  As I posted on Twitter with what April wrote in her red notebook, her break could be traced all the way back to her first episode. Or was it Samuel?  Or the divorce?  Or the confusion after Montana? And I am wondering if her telling Maggie she thought her and Jackson liked each other in 13x24 is part of her spiral into darkness. Nothing was there. J/M felt nothing. So was she feeling so bad about herself she created it in her head? But let’s look at Jackson’s journey this season. His signs are much more subtle but they are there I think. In 14x02 April tells him she is hurting. We have zero idea how he feels about this because he doesn’t speak. The next time we see him, Harper Avery is at the hospital telling him to get the wife and kid and meet him for dinner. Then he tells Jackson he is like his father. This scene didn’t seem to connect to 14x02 the first time I watched the episode but watching them consecutively they did connect. April moved out and then Harper comes in and reinforces what Jackson is already feeling. Jackson is not good enough. He lost his family and may be more like his father than he wants to admit. I think these comments from Harper may be what sends him into his own crisis. Then Harper dies and leaves him a ridiculous amount of money.  Jackson has always been wealthy, but he also tried to distance himself from the Avery name and money.  Just look at his reaction to April calling the plane in 13x16 his plane.  He insists it is his family’s plane, not his. Now the Avery money is forced on him and he has no choice but to deal with it.  The next several scenes of Jackson’s focus on him and the money. For example, we see Alex teasing him about how much he inherited after the funeral. At this point Jackson needs a new distraction from what is happening in his life, as well as some recognition for his talent, so he creates the surgical contest that he can compete in. Plus, if he can win and prove he is a successful doctor, then he MUST be less like his father. Robert ran from his family AND being a doctor. Then there is the dinner party. This is still mostly about Jackson getting this money and what he will do with it. Maggie has her rambling speech about the islands, but she also says something about it being scientifically proven that having too much money, or too many choices, can cause a person to be very stressed. I think that is significant after rewatching. I didn’t catch it the first time. (And up to this point we have had several hints that I pointed out in earlier reviews that J/M are not a thing to worry about, Jackson fixing Alex’s collar, Catherine calling Maggie his sister, etc. so while she is often with him, she doesn’t actually seem to be the focus of his story.) In the next episode, we see Jackson still focused on the money when he, on a whim, buys a boat and sports car. This seems OOC for Jackson, but it makes sense if he is in a crisis. We have the sister conversation on the boat, which I think is to highlight how confused Jackson is, and we also hear him literally say he isn’t happy because he can’t buy happiness. He then shows up drunk to the intern mixer, which is also seemingly OOC, but who else has been getting drunk lately?  April. The other person in a crisis.  At the mixer, he tells Bailey he is giving her the money to start the surgical competition. This is another way for him to focus on his career because, as he said, he is unhappy, and his career is something he can control right now. Winning this contest would make him feel less like Robert or less like he has failed. The 300th episode was mainly about Mer, but we did get those looks between Japril in the ER that show they still have a lot they need to say to each other but are unsure of what the other is thinking. The awful helicopter scene comes along. Jackson does try to connect with Maggie, probably because he is confused and needs support of some kind, but the universe intervenes and they are sprayed with blood. I definitely think it is significant that they keep getting stopped before anything can happen. They are also stopped in the locker room with the guy bringing the scrubs. And yes he did ask Maggie to go for a drink, but he also referenced his money in that exact conversation.  This is another hint that everything he is doing is because he is confused and sad. 14x10 was mainly him reacting to the child who was shot, but the scene of Jackson and April standing outside the boy’s room in the ER is important. They both pause and look at each other, and again it is clear they both have things they want to say, but she gets paged away. It’s not that he doesn’t care about her. He does that side glance to check on her when she tells him about Matthew. But I don’t think he fully sees her pain because he has his own pain. I expect something to come from these looks and hints that Japril keep having. Omelia certainly isn’t glancing at each other across the ER, and that’s because the show really ended them. But I still say it’s fairly clear Japril isn’t over yet. Also, because so much of Jackson’s story has been about him not being able to buy happiness, wouldn’t it be something if the thing he did buy with the money, the surgical contest, led to his happiness? And not just professionally but true happiness. I don’t think it is random that April is running this contest that Jackson created with his money.  He is seeking happiness and she is seeking faith and the thing that connects them right now is this contest.  What are the odds that Jackson would give it to Bailey, who gave it to Webber, who gave it to April? That seems like more than a coincidence.  This contest has brought Jackson some happiness already.  It’s obvious that he is proud of his project to create spray on skin.  He gloats about winning while the others are still scrambling for a proposal.  Unfortunately, Catherine doesn’t see the merit of his idea. She pulls him into a meeting with Dr. Michelle Velez and, similarly to Arizona and April, Catherine shames him when he begins to talk about something important to him.  “I’m actually pulling together a research project kind of similar right now.  I’d love to tell you about it sometime.” But Catherine interrupts, “Jackson, she’s not here to work on your project.  She’s here to pitch us one of her own.”  This may seem insignificant, but this idea of Jackson not feeling good enough for his family goes all the way back to season six.  In 6x14, he tells Lexie, “…my family is smart,  driven, and crazy over-achievers. And they look like they're smart. They  don't look like me, which has its perks. Except that my family treated me  like I was pretty. They expected nothing from me, ever. Never pushed me,  never thought to. So I had to push myself. Hard.”  In many ways, Jackson’s family still treats  him like the pretty one who isn’t capable of thinking for himself.  Harper treated him like a child in 14x03,  and Catherine does that in this episode as well.  His ideas are not respected and he is  belittled until he gives into what his family thinks.  This is also why Dahlia, the intern, tells  him how attractive he is.  This just  reinforces to Jackson the idea he has been fighting his whole life.  He is not just a pretty face.  He is smart and he is going to work his ass  off to prove it.  Dr. Velez wants  Jackson to use a peritoneum to improve vaginoplasty surgeries.  The surgery is a great idea, but is isn’t  one Jackson is truly passionate about.  Side note: The conversations Jackson and Catherine have about orgasms  and genitals are great writing, but in the comedy, don’t miss that Catherine  doesn’t accept Jackson turning down the proposal.  As he walks away, she calls out, “Jackson  Avery, you are such a disappointment!”  As if he didn’t already feel that way  already.  Later she finds him again in  the lab to try to talk him into accepting Velez’s proposal.  He tells her he doesn’t have time because  he is making skin.  She scoffs at the  idea and tells him he is years and millions of dollars in research away from  making skin.  She could not be less supportive  of his idea.  Instead she gives him all  the statistics to back up the vaginoplasty surgery and belittles his, “Go on,  make your little skin,” as if it means nothing.  Watch his reaction.  He tosses down his instruments and is  visibly bothered by what she said to him.  Jackson plans to go forward with his skin proposal, but everyone around  him seems to be pushing him to do the vaginoplasty.  Meredith cites statistics of how many  people he would be helping in the trans community, Catherine has Dahlia type  up a proposal and Dahlia says she thinks it’s a better idea.  He has no support.  Because the person who always believes in  him and who never saw him as just a pretty face is April, and she doesn’t  know he needs her.  She is spiraling  into darkness, while he is pretending to be happy.  They just can’t reach each other. It’s “the  space between” as Jesse said on his Instagram caption.  And neither of them will be okay until they  can close that space and help each other.  That is where I believe we are heading.  And before you hit up my inbox with, “But  Maggie…” let me address the Maggie scene in this episode.  That was not flirting or jealous.  My brothers teased me about boys all the  time.  That was a friend/brother teasing  and nothing more.  Go back through the  episode and watch scenes they are in together.  When they are in a group at the beginning  there are no looks across to each other, no smiles when the other one  speaks.  When they joke about Clive,  there are no lingering looks of pining, and in the bar, when Catherine and Webber are dancing and celebrating their love, there are no glances in each other’s direction wishing that were them.  Every scene they are in is either platonic conversation or them not acknowledging the other.  They didn’t even show them  congratulating each other on getting into the contest.  But you know who we did get a reaction from  regarding Jackson?  April.  As she is reading off the proposals to the  board (who are all 95 for some reason?), she clearly reacts when reading Jackson’s name.  I don’t think it is  just because it made her think of him either.  I think she knows him so well, that she is surprised at his proposal  choice.  She expected something different from him because she knows who he is and what his interests are.  Her reaction is one of surprise and it was intentional.  As the audience we were supposed to see her reaction because there is more to come with their story.  Japril’s story is not over.  

[trulisthetic]

Note to Self (to read when I’m down)

So, which is it gonna be, self? Ugh, damn it, I always love the episodes and all this negativity online ruins them for me 😅😅😅 Gotta work on being so easily affected!

Anyhow, now that this half season has officially ended, I decided to white this ‘little’ positive note to myself to cheer me up. If you want to read it too, you’re more than welcome!

Warning: This is just what I would personally want somebody that could read my mind to tell me, you might not agree with some things I say and that’s totally fine. Peace.

Okay, self.

So you cope with the Jaggie situation just fine on normal days, that’s a fact right? You absolutely hate it, of course you do. Who ruins Japril for a couple with zero chemistry who popped up out of nowhere? Who turns Maggie into a black version of April simply so she can match Jackson when she was such a strong, brilliant character before? Of course you cannon believe this is actually happening to you favorite couple, the ones who helped you pull through your favorite person’s passing last year, your big exams, your parents’ stupid fights. They were your home, and now they’re getting ruined and you are incredibly mad and sad and devastated over that. But they still remain your OTP, they are still very much alive in your heart and your mind in the fanfiction world, and sometimes that’s just enough for you. Sometimes it’s not, and you wish with all that you have in you that this is just a phase and they will eventually fall back together after they take some time to miss and appreciate each other. But in general, you are copying. You have accepted that Jaggie is happening. You wish it would just happen already and yet you get goosebumps at the single thought of them kissing, but you have learned to live with it.

So why is it that you get depressed every Friday?

You watch the episodes. And the awesome thing is that even though last year you were so boooooooored because there were almost no Japril scenes and the show without them was just MEH, this year you find yourself squealing in excitement at the single sight of the Seattle shots at the beginning. Does that mean you are falling back in love with Grey’s Anatomy as a whole? Probably. It’s taken a 180 degree turn from last year to your eyes, and it’s somehow exciting again. You’re not just watching for Japril anymore, admit it. Because there is not Japril, and still here you are. You laugh out loud with the new interns, you live for those hilarious lines of Bailey’s, you really loved what they did with the Nathan/Megan storyline and you actually teared up at that last scene with the beach and the sunset. You come to like Meredith again -remember those times she was your favorite character back in the early seasons and you only breathed for MerDer? It’s a nostalgic feeling that comes over you when you think about how different your life was back then when you began watching. But back to the point, the show is so interesting to you again and that thrills you to no end. You had to pause the episode for five whole minutes to calm your breathing when Jo’s husband popped up a mere hour ago! You freaking love season 14 girl. Stop denying because you’re probably the only one. And don’t feel guilty for it, for god’s sake.

Then again, you get what everyone has been saying about April not having a stoyline, which is really sad come think of it. And Sarah Drew is such a precious human and such an incredible actress and she is REAL and she deserves better than to play a side-character. Yet she seems pretty happy at all those selfies and it looks like she’s having a blast with Kelly, but for sure that might as well be just for show. You don’t know what’s going on behind the camera’s, only they do. What you know, however, is that she clearly loves acting and feels blessed for being on Grey’s Anatomy, so who are you to decide if she should move on or not? She is a strong woman, more than perfectly capable to make that decision for herself, and you know that she could book herself a hundred movies in a split second with that talent and dedication of hers. If she feels like she is being wasted, wouldn’t she pack her things and go? And yet there she goes in every opportunity given, expressing how grateful she is for being part of something as big as Grey’s, how she loves the show and the people she works with and how she feels so lucky that she is able to provide for her family doing something that she loves. Why would she fake that, Truli? Of all the interview for the 300th, how many actors showed such genuine gratitude? She is happy working on Grey’s. And that secretly gives you such relief it almost hurts, because it means April is here to stay, and you couldn’t be happier about that.

Still, would you want April to have more scenes? DAMN RIGHT YOU WOULD. You miss your girl so much, you miss her being in things, having a story of her own. But then again that’s how you feel every season. No matter how much screen time she gets, it’s obviously never enough cause you only get one episode a week and barely two minutes of April! However, the truth is that the few scenes she has gotten so far this season you have found brilliant. Starting at the only Japril scene of the season, you were amazed by how much she has truly grown, how well she handled the situation with maturity and openness and honesty. You are so proud of your girl. And then she has been interacting with so many people this season, including Owen and Arizona and Alex and Meredith and Maggie and Bailey and Richard and Amelia and the interns and that just makes you so happy because for so long she seemed like she had no people to turn to, while now she has a whole village. And that cafeteria scene at the Amelia/tumor episode was you undoing, just like good old times! Then when she was shot -Holy crap! She had dodged it for eight seasons! :P And when she prayed for Amelia even though they weren’t that close, and then thanked God, with her baby girl in her arms. Ugh, the feels! So April <3 And then that flash-mob mention... how she stammered “that’s not the point” was just plain B-R-I-L-L-I-A-N-T. Oh, and this last episode you know she got all the good stuff. That “awkwaaaard” line was so well delivered you were laughing for an hour, and the “Stone age” and newspaper parts just killed you. And despite many, you loved how she took a couple of episodes to adjust to the new normal back when she first moved out, to find her way again, to be a bit sad. It was so April. And for fuck’s sake, being emotional doesn’t make you weak. On the contrary, it makes you freaking human. Being able to experience emotions strongly is not a flaw, it’s a gift. It shows mental maturity, and if anything overcoming stuff is making the person go through an entire emotional roller coaster, which in the long run helps them grow and makes them come out stronger and wiser. Let people have emotions.

But you also wish your boy had more screen time, with scenes you could actually watch. Because now most of them are with Maggie, who you can’t say you ever really liked but you just can’t stand her now, and you know that’s not fair to the character but it was inevitable. And you try. You try not to hate on her, you try to be nice because that’s what you were taught. To only spread love, not hate, to see the positive side of things. You credit your grandma for that, too. But man, it’s so damn harddd! And you sure as hell love Kelly and you feel so sorry and mad that they did this to her and her character, because she deserves better than to be hated by en entire fandom. Nobody deserves that, nobody. Remember back when April had a crush on Derek and EVERY SINGLE MERDER FAN hated on Sarah with all their might? How does that make you feel? Hm. Infuriated, mostly. With a very strong urge to run up to your girl and hide her in your arms and protect her from this cruel fandom who thinks it’s okay to hate on real, actual people with real, actual feelings just because someone decided the fictional character they get paid to portray should have a little, fictional crush on another fictional character. That is not okay. And it makes you wonder what kind of shallow, superficial and immature people still go on with it.

Jackson is also getting a lot of hate, and you absolutely hate that. Because despite many other’s that are absolutely in love with April like you are, you are just as absolutely in love with Jackson as well. You have two favorite characters. Jackson and April. Those names are linked together, and you can’t imagine one of them without the other. And just like you hated when April got all that hate back in 12a, you hate how Jackson is getting it now. Do you think he’s different? Yes. He’s definitely less warm and emotional than he used to be. And he’s acting a bit recklessly and immaturely lately, spending money, making rushed decisions... Do you think that makes him an asshole? No. No, you don’t. Because you recognize people have flaws, you recognize people have their moments of immaturity and that they sometimes make mistakes. That only makes them h u m a n. And this short of stuff happen in real life. Sometimes we look at someone and can’t recognize them. It sure has happened to me a couple of times, and I have been the unrecognizable one a couple of others. It’s just how life is sometimes. But Jackson, truly, has done nothing wrong. Not being with April doesn’t make him an asshole. Being with April and thinking about someone else does, and not once has he come close to doing that. He made his stance clear from day one, he didn’t stop April from moving out because he felt like they could never work, or because the idea of Maggie was planted to his head, or for whatever other reason. That doesn’t make him an asshole, not to your eyes at least. That simply makes him honest when it comes to his intentions, and it protected April from getting further hurt as well. Hating his grandpa doesn’t make him an asshole to you, the man was unbelievable! He viewed him as a five-year-old child, ignored his authority, disrespected his choices for his own life and career, compared him to his father -which he KNEW was a soft spot for him and his worst ever nightmare- and was overall an absolute asshole. You hated him too, more than words can express, and you cried in joy when he complained himself to death, don’t deny it!

And also, being interested in someone new, as much as you despise it, doesn’t make Jackson an asshole to you. He is single. April is single. April is obviously already back on tinder and “so ready to be dating”, and you don’t see how Jackson is faulted for wanting the same thing. If anything, you wanted him to start something knew, just for the sake of realizing how there was nobody that could make him feel the way April did, that affected him and made him a better person like she used to. On the other hand the last thing you wanted was for him to be in a relationship with someone he looked good with, so the lack of chemistry between Jesse and Kelly is a gift from heaven to your eyes. Do you like the fact that they’re step-siblings? No, you fucking hate it. Do you think it’s a deal breaker. Ugh, that’s another no. First of all because they didn’t grow up as siblings, and have only gotten relatively closer since her mom died a few months ago. You could have seen them as siblings, but that bond was never really explored -whereas even though Owen and April are not related, their relationship was evolved in such a sibling-like way through the years that you practically view him as her older brother. And besides, you’d be a fucking hypocrite if you said that the fact that their parents got married is a deal breaker for you, since you know that that fact didn’t stop you from having as your first ever OTP a pair of 17-year-old step-siblings (who actually lived under the same roof for at least three years) and you almost cheered yourself to death when they got married at the end of the series. Yes, you know I’m talking about the Greek comic series “Ευτυχισμένοι Μαζί” (Eytyxismenoi Mazi/Together Forever) you freaking dumbass, don’t play innocent on me. You loved that show growing up, and you loved Markos and Eva together, step-siblings aside. And you found their parents’ reactions when they found out absolutely hilarious. You will not find Catherine and Richard’s reactions hilarious, however, no matter which they are, since you don’t find the entire storyline okay at all. Still, you are hoping with all that you have in you that the embarrassingly obvious luck of chemistry between the actors, along with the fact that practically every Grey’s Anatomy fan not only doesn’t ship them but hates them together, will result in the eventual dropping of this ridiculous storyline, which would NEVER have happened, by the way, after what happened in Montana. If Montana had never happened you might be better at believing it, but after Montana you just find it plain ridiculous.

Overall, you don’t think Jackson is an asshole. He is your boy. He is your baby. you love him more than words can say. And so if he wants to try and buy himself happiness, you are happy to watch him. You’d buy all shorts of useless crap if you had money too, and a yacht... man, hell yes! Although the first thing you’d do is buy a farm, we all know that. And if he wants to explore his options in the romantic department, why the hell not? It kills you inside, of course it fucking does! , but he is not with April, he is trying to move on and be happy, and if your baby finds that again, you will be happy too. All you want them is to be together, but if they can both be happy apart, then you can live with that. You can live with them cherishing their time together and simply being friends raising a baby -if we ever get to see a scene with them again. Grrr!- as long as they are happy. After all, you have your perfect version of Japril all shaped in your head where they got back together after Montana and are living happily ever after, in a house with hardwood floors, a washing machine and one of those milk-frothier things, with their little miracle of a beautiful daughter and a puppy. Because, come on, what’s a family without a dog?

You hate the canon Japril/Jaggie storyline right now. You hate it, yet you have learned to accept it. Or rather, to ignore it’s happening. You watch the episodes and really enjoy them, and then when a Jaggie scene happens you just watch it as an average viewer and roll your eyes and even chuckle at how somebody ever believed they could pass this as something actually ship-able. You laugh. You roll your eyes. You cope.

And then you go online, and you fall apart. You watch all these posts and rambles about how horrible the show is and how everyone is to be hated, and how the actors and us the loyal Japril shippers deserve better (which is the one part you partly agree with), and all these do is depress you and make feel guilty, guilty! , for falling back in love with the show that has been your home even since you were thirteen. And why should you feel like that, Truli? Nobody is asking you to apologize for liking the show. Nobody. But even if they were, why the fuck would you even pay attention to them? You don’t have to apologize for still liking the show, as everyone else doesn’t have to apologize for not liking it, and it’s terribly wrong of you to blame them if reading about it makes you feel bad.

People have the right to have their own opinions. People have the right to express them. If someone hates the show, they are free to say it out loud. And if someone loves it, they are free to express that too. Nobody has to apologize to anyone about the way they see things. But we all have to respect that our opinions might differ. That we are individuals with different characters, different upbringings, different beliefs, we are different people that have different views and nothing in the world will change that or ever should.

So I see two options for you, Truli. One is you can just give up on tumblr. If it’s screwing you up, if it keeps making you depressed, it’s not worth it, girl. You can’t ruin your life and your happiness over some fictional show. It’s not even that important. You know what’s important? Whether you will pass your driving exams this Monday. Whether your parents will make up or get a divorce instead. Whether you will study again to try to get into vet school or become a community doctor instead. Whether you will get your dog fixed or breed her. When you’re going to have another sleepover with you cousins. If you’re going to get that rabbit you want or not. Those are the important things you should be worrying about, not the storyline of a fictional show you can’t control anyway. And since you can recognize all that by simply watching the show but forget all about them the second you visit tumblr, maybe you should just give up on it and only deal with the show once a week when new episodes come out and whenever you feel like writing a fanfic about Japril.

The other option I see for you is that you grow the fuck up and realize the majority of the fandom feels only horrible about what is happening and won’t stop or should stop expressing it. You can accept that and learn how to not let it affect you. It can be easy if you just freaking try instead of complain about how negative everything is to yourself all the time. You can make an effort. You can do it, if only you try.

So, which is it gonna be, self? If you chose to go with the first option, that’s fine. It’s the healthier one, if anything. If you chose to go with the second one, that’s also fine - it requires some extra self-control but I think you can pull it off, and it will make you happier in the long run.

This is a choice you will have to make every time you get put down. Every time you feel like quitting the show and Japril, because you know that this isn’t what you really want. Every time you lose hope. Every time those happen you will come back to this post and read it -the WHOLE THING, no cheating, smartass- and you will be called to make this decision again.

And every time you choose to stay, is a time you will come out of this stronger.

[frankwallace]

In Sickness and in Health | a fool’s tale

Nancy, Frank and Fred | a love triangle or In Sickness and in Health | a fool’s tale

My heart is full of love. It embraces Fred, my angry liver.

http://www.frankwallace.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/30_Mercy.wav

[Please listen to Mercy, from Six Prayers on Six Strings]

Intro

We didn’t say typical vows at our wedding in 1977. We were hippies! Anti-establishment – remember? So we didn’t actually say “in sickness and in health, ’til death do we part.” But boy, my wife certainly had it in her heart. I have not really been tested the way she has the past two years. I hope I would do the same for her: drive ten thousand miles to hospitals in Boston, sacrifice a one-woman show she worked on for ten years only to be overshadowed at the moment of fruition by illness; constantly researching strange ailments and how to cure them. She has been precious, loving, generous, kind, forgiving – nothing but, and I love her for all that and more.

So here’s a little story, but a touch of background first. When we lived in Arlington MA in the late 70’s, we found an old porcelain clown in the garbage. Took it home and named him Fred. He came to represent my alter-ego, my nasty angry insides. And so when we moved in 1980, the last thing I did leaving the house was decide to leave Fred in the closet – a gift to the next tenants – ha! Little would they know! It was supposed to be a gesture of letting him go, letting my past fall away. It didn’t work – ugh!

Meet Fred

My wife is sick of Fred. She’s sick of me – being sick! Fred came back two days ago after promising never to return. Surprise. Surprise!

Here’s a song about life he wrote a long time ago:

Hey ho the Hie dee oH. I’ll tickle a dream and say it Ho Blither me Blimey and slay it oH The bloke is crammed with air to blow. Hey ho the Hie dee oH.

I’ll join her there in the thicket Ho To get one a dance with a cricket Bo The dream blows wild, the flesh grows mold. The block is jammed with beaus to crow. Hey ho the Hie dee oH.

It’s a silly a description of life. There’s always someone coming along, ready to grab your spot. Life seems sort of pointless to Fred. Short and nothing but a dance and a dream.

Fred’s a bum

He’s a hobo. He digs through the garbage to find rotten food and worn out clothes.

Fred likes lists, dirty laundry lists. Bad shit!

Fred gripes. He hangs his head. He likes to fight. It makes him feel alive.

Fred mostly talks about himself, except to point out what you are doing wrong! Watch out if he sees you messing up!

Here’s Fred

He’s hungry all the time. Hardly smiles. What a bum.

Fred’s me! He takes over my shitty days. He’s kind of in my bones, or maybe my gut, my liver, impossible to dig out. Until now. I hope! I pray!

Cancer treatments are squeezing him out. It’s just too intense for him: radiation, low carb diet, yoga, meditation and all…Maybe he is the cancer? It’s a theory, right? Does it matter who, what, why my cancer is? Is Fred the anger that ate at my soul for 50 years and started to grow into tumors.

I said my wife is sick of Fred. We talked about him this morning and came up with a theory. We’re getting on in age. We’re dealing with two years of various cancer diagnoses, one eye is nearly blind. I have adopted a very limited and strict diet and I have a morning routine that sometimes takes three hours. It has replaced our sacred morning tea and coffee chat. In some ways we are getting ready to – well, let’s be blunt – permanently separate. I mean the real permanent. Death! The ultimate giving up of all things material, all those precious things we cling to: guitars, music, art, family, home, dreams, and yes, each other.

We spent nearly 40 years doing everything together, in good health. No doctors, period! We toured and gave concerts together. We recorded LPs and CDs and even a few cassettes! I did the engineering, Nancy did the design. Everything together. We raised two beautiful boys together. We bought an old farm in the New Hampshire forest and chop wood to heat the house, live with deer, bear, moose squirrels, weasels and lots of dirt and bugs.

But now, it’s just me. Me and my cancer. It’s my body. Not ours. The needles poke me, not her. She drives me, she holds my hand, she steadies me when I’m dizzy from radiation. She loves me. But she’s not me. I had to do this. On my own. And I love that. But I miss her. She misses me. It’s tough being separated by illness.

So Fred rears his ugly head and tells her to leave me alone and stop telling me what to do, how any more calories I need to eat, how much more water I’m supposed to drink. Go rest, don’t worry about practicing right now.

A fellow friend in cancer, John Holmquist, one of America’s great guitarists who loves life to the fullest, summed it all up in a very elegant manner in the following poem. I am honored he shared it with me. Nancy edited it down to song size, which I hope to write this fall.

Will I Be Given Time in Full Measure?

John E Holmquist Edited by Nancy Knowles

Will I be given time in full measure to kindle light? If I have helped you throw me no bone of thanks. Thank, instead, the unseen hand which carves some good, even with so poor an instrument. If I have harmed you, forgive me, let not anger eat away your soul.

In the end, let there be nothing left: no feelings, no thoughts, no “other.” Let there only be light. Let the broken tool be made perfect for the task, so that only Love remains.

University Heights, Ohio, March, 2003

This Fred (my name for him, and not the original clown mentioned above) was created by Mona Adisa Brooks of Peterborough NH. Please visit her website, or better yet, go to Trumpet Gallery in Peterborough to see her, and other artists’, work.

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In Sickness and in Health | a fool’s tale was originally published on FRANK WALLACE

[itsyourturnblog]

I hate to tell you this, but your career will most certainly not go to plan.

You’ll be denied that promotion you deserve. Or maybe your new boss will turn out to be a jerk, or a spineless wimp, or a bit of a dumb-dumb. Or maybe you’ll be saddled with a project you don’t want. Or maybe you’ll have a health crisis that will keep you out of the game for a spell.

None of it will be your fault. But the consequences will be yours to live with.

Ten years ago, I sat in a meeting with two of my bosses (I actually had three at the time), as they told me that a product I built and launched and grew to profitability was being transferred to another division of the company. When I objected (because I believed the other division would screw up the product — and they did), I was told that my attitude was unacceptable and that I needed to be more of a team player. Ugh. You can read my thoughts on team players here.

The entire situation was bullshit.

The organization had been in utter chaos for some time. Those two bosses were playing at corporate politics, and losing, and so they were throwing me under the bus. And we all knew it.

At first, I was angry about the unfairness of it all, but then, right there in the meeting, something amazing happened. It was as if someone had flipped a switch in my head. I swear I actually heard the click.

I realized: I don’t have to work here anymore.

And suddenly, I was in charge. I told them I understood and left the room. The next day, I began networking. And six months later, when I walked out the door with a package, I had options. Lots of them.

Unstuck Project interviewee Emma had a similar experience. She was stressed and overwhelmed in a thankless job. “I was traveling for work, staying at a dodgy motel across the street from a Chuck E Cheese and I finally thought, ‘What the hell are you doing?’.” She quit her job shortly after and now she’s the CEO of another organization.

Like me, Sophia had her ah-ha moment in a meeting. “Business was really hard. We spent more time pointing fingers and making excuses than accomplishing anything. I realized, this isn’t going to get better.” She called an ex-boss immediately after the meeting and was in a new job two weeks later.

Sawyer’s decision to move on came slowly, but after years of feeling stuck, he finally did it. “The decision to leave was hard. I had a young family and I didn’t know where I would go. But I thought I’d rather take control. It was cathartic and liberating.” He’s the president of another company now.

You are not powerless. This is your career. You’re in charge of your experience. You’re in charge of what you take from it and what you give to it. But mostly, you’re in charge of how you respond to its challenges.

Sometimes, being in charge means letting go and moving on, as it was for me, Emma, Sophia and Sawyer. And sometimes, being in charge means digging deeper and making the most of what you have, where you are.

It’s about asking yourself: What can I make of this?

You may have had a project blow up in your face, but you learned a lot from it. Or, your financial situation may make it unwise to quit right now, but the experience you’re gaining will make you highly marketable in a year or two. It could be that your jerk/spineless/dumb-dumb boss is helping to hone your communication and influence skills.

Maybe, just maybe, there’s a hint of possibility, even in the darkness. And before you tell me that your situation is particularly impossible, let me tell you about an architect named Chris Downey.

At the age of 45, a brain tumor left Chris completely blind. It’s usually best if architects aren’t blind, but this didn’t stop Chris. He never thought his sight loss was insurmountable. Rather, he realized that the creative process of architecture isn’t so much about what you can see, but how you think.

So, a month after he went blind, he went back to work. He has a special printer that creates raised lines enabling him to feel blueprints. And, he uses bendy wax sticks to design and modify the drawings.

And he discovered something really cool about being blind. He can no longer see buildings, but he can hear their acoustics and feel their textures. This new perspective has made him a truly unique architect. And, a better architect. “It’s not about what I’m missing in architecture, it’s about what I had been missing in architecture.”

It wasn’t easy. Chris sees nothing. No shadow, no light, nothing. He’s in total darkness.

His story reminds me of an essay by Valarie Kaur that a lovely and thoughtful client forwarded to me just this week. It has a beautiful line in it: “What if this darkness is not the darkness of the tomb, but the darkness of the womb?”

In other words, what if the loss of Chris’s sight, or the loss a product, or a promotion or a job, isn’t about the death of something, but rather, about something new wanting to be born?

Chris now specializes in making spaces accessible to the blind. He’s worked on a rehabilitation center for veterans with sight loss, as well as spaces at Duke University Hospital, Microsoft and the San Francisco Transbay Transit Center.

He does what no other architect can do. And he has his answer to the question: What can I make of this?

“I took my disability and turned it upside down,” he says.

And of that, a new kind of architect was born.

So let me ask: What inside of you is wanting to be born?

You don’t have to wait for tragedy, pain and suffering to jolt you into action. Too often we wait for things to be born of necessity. But what if they could be born of love?

Why not? After all, you’re in charge.

Don’t Forget: No Matter What, You’re in Charge of Your Career. was originally published in It's Your Turn on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

by Judy Sims via It's Your Turn - Medium #itsyourturn #altMBA #SethGodin #quotes #inspiration #stories #change #transformation #writers #writing #self #shipping #personaldevelopment #growth #education #marketing #entrepreneurship #leadership #personaldev #wellness #medium #blogging #quoteoftheday #inspirationoftheday

[beautifullychaoticworld-blog]

I would really love to have a boyfriend... someone to hug me, hold me and massage me (my body aches so bad sometimes from menstruation especially my lower back hurts but I’m afraid this will freak him out when I share it and that a massage is much appreciated...) what if he can actually lift me up omg...

I don’t really feel convenient with the opposite gender and I don’t know how he will deal with the topic of menstruation but without this I would have a pit. tumor I guess... idk. it’s really unhealthy to live without a menstrual cycle in your youth as a woman... like something’s wrong with you... it just turned out I had a prolactinoma and hormone imbalance (because I had missing periods for a couple years or more and my doctors couldn’t find out what was the problem on time)...

and men expect you to be their servant or housewife wtf... sometimes a man can really hurt you physically if they’re not gentle, they have no idea how much more physically strong they are... wish they could just massage me instead of hurting me...

also women have to work too and the man is still considered the breadwinner and he gets paid more than a woman ugh...