#ugghhhh i have no idea how to use this app pls dont yell at me if i dont do it right

[morg676]

Okay so. I'm going to type words about my feelings. I had Warren come with me to my doctors appointment bc I was angry with the dr ... She was scolding me for not taking my meds correctly, but I couldn't get them because she wouldn't fill it until I did my labs. So I did my labs, and it came back weird bc I didn't have my meds. So she messaged me like "what are you doing why aren't you taking your meds". Which I was. Wren and I have the same prescription for testosterone sooooo. Idk. I was taking it. I had missed a few doses bc depressive episode.

So we went together, and alexixsices comes in and immediately is like "so what's up with your little hiatus from your meds" and I'm already trying my best not to freak out, but I start shaking , of course. Ugh. I told her it was like two days. And that was because she wouldn't approve my meds. I actually asked a lot of questions , we tried to get over the miscommunications we've been having. I just felt so humiliated. My main goal tbh is to have my IUD removed. But my anxiety about it is Extreme. I told Alecsus that it's the fucking dysphoria and my distrust of people who hold power over me. Specifically doctors. She said "what's our trust level at scale of 1 - 10". She's so intense, she is always so sure of her words ... I said eeeeeee and she said "3? 2? 1.5?" Without letting me think, and so I gave her a 2. I need to get my IUD out it's causing me Problems, copper iud havers sound offff :(((( but I hate that b word sooooo much.

Robins been using specific BPD language with ne. Which in some cases is helpful but most of the time it just feels othering. I do split on people tho. That's what it's called right?? Whatever the point is , Ive been. Trying to accept that I'm just gonna hate some people. I don't have to like everyone. That doesn't mean I should be mean to them, but I can opt out. Sometimes I split on them in my head,, I don't ever want them to feel that rage from me. I split on this dr, becayse she froze some warts off my hands, she said "ok listen this will hurt" and I was very brave and it hurts like Bitch but I did it, and she said ok it good to go, the skin should just slough off in a few days , and I was like uhhhh ((guy who doesn't know what slough means)) okay. SO MY FINGERS HAVE BLISTERS THE SIZE OF G R A P E S on them and I literally can't do work. My point is that I feel like she didn't appropriately educate me on what the process was, what was going to happen to my body, and how to take care of it. WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT OF A DOCTOR IS IT FUCKINGGGG NOT???? But also if someone hurts me I'm gonna be defensive bc I have a rodent brain . so she's been on my shit list, but orange is very persistent and encouraged me to keep seeing her, bc I hadn't had a GP in. Like. Lmao probably 20 years. So it's been incredibly difficult to try and trust her , ESPECIALLY trust her to get up in my vagina and cause me more pain.

I hate having such basic survival instincts kick in when she talks to me. There's just that shame and misunderstanding of Cis to Tranz communication. Esp since she's in a position of power over me. She said I just want you to not be in distress. And I laughed and said me too. She just comes across so fucking. Oblivious.