#u know there was a single week in there when i experienced the rare emotion known as Optimism

[embryonikz]

vent tw some sensitive topics idk its kind of graphic so maybe dont read it if its triggering for u

On my suicide prevention paper thingy it has a list of what are usually signs my mental health is getting worse and I do feel like I am checking alot of those boxes like.

Isolating more, eating less, sleeping excessively, talking to people less, watching stressful videos (like graphic death or injuries), forgetting to take my meds more often, taking over the counter drugs to self medicate, etc.

I should start taking my meds again. I think i've been experiencing alot of alexithymia (emotional blindness, like i can't recognize or understand what i am feeling). So it's like I assume I am just fine even though I am falling back into self harm and thinking like, "Oh what if I just got the rope today. I mean what if I just got it over with? Maybe it wouldn't hurt that bad. Maybe it would feel peaceful. I think I am going to die soon. What if I walked outside and got ran over?" and it feels so casual to me in my mind, like it is not a big deal to think about.

I mean I don't think I feel suicidal at all lately I mean I already had a attemept a while ago so I don't feel like.. doing that.

But I do know I am not taking care of myself at all.... I was doing really well earlier this year I could keep up with taking my trash out more often and cleaning my room and cleaning my self but idk. I just kind of stopped doing that. I lost all motivation for it.

I know eventually things might turn around but, I know sometimes these phases in my mood takes weeks if not several months or even a whole year and then some. Sometimes I can't draw for months, or I can't take care of myself for months.

I mean if it keeps going like this I might downward spiral mentally.. I just need to force myself to take care of myself somehow but all I want to do is sleep.

I take DXM to force myself to get tired, same with tylenol PMs. I've been considering taking benadryl again just so I can sleep more. I genuinely just don't want to get up alot of the time. Sometimes I wish I could go into a coma just so I could spend all my time sleeping.

I feel like when I am doing better mentally I usually have some like, fear towards g*re and graphic imagery but when I am doing worse I end up seeking it out over and over and spending hours just looking at it. And I don't know why I do? Because at the end of the day it makes me feel hyper aware of my eventual death, of pain, of my body. I know it is not good for me in the long run so I don't know why I do it.

I think maybe it is like one of the only things that stimulates my brain, even if it is not in a good way. I feel so numb about everything that I end up looking at extreme things just to feel something other than being a zombie.

It is just normal for me to imagine myself dying and it feels so vivid in my mind. It is like I imagine my dead body every single day of my life. It is so rare I go a day that I don't think about it.

and its like realistically- logically, I should know it would hurt beyond belief. that it would be a indescribable pain, but in my head for some reason i assume it would be peaceful. like id finally feel like i could let go, like there was nothing else to worry about.

i remember reading a suicide survivor talk about hanging themself and, they just felt the most incredible peace in their life doing it. they have never felt so at peace in their life except in that moment. there was nothing else to worry about it was just a release of every single weight on their mind.

of course they end up getting caught and saved, but i think about it.

i lay in my bed for hours and stare at the ceiling fan and i think about hanging myself there. the way id get the rope, tie it, move my chair, and wrap it around and eventually step off the chair and do it. just over and over, repetitively thinking about doing this one thing.

and i dont even feel sad right now talking about it but theres a good chance my brain is just, numbing my body out right now. maybe thats why its hard to tell what im feeling.

like if someone asked how i was doing id probably say im doing fine or ok i guess. like i genuinely just feel like, im just kind of here? i dont feel anything strongly right now.

i think about how a car or truck could roll over my head and crush it and my brain squishing out and maybe my neck stretching and wrapping around the wheel as it moved until it dislocated my head from my body entirely. and i just cant care i guess.

id just be gone. itd finally be over. what more is there to do than just feel the peace of it.

i feel like every suicide attempt i have isnt necessarily planned its just, impulsive. when it happens its like my brain just switches into that mode and accepts it.

i should stop myself before something bad happens i guess. i should take my meds. even if its late in the day i should just say fuck it and do it. just so i can maybe feel better, idk.

theres always that voice in the back of my mind telling me about how good itd feel to die. every different way i can do it and how at peace i would be once i did. and i just listen to it. and then suddenly its night time, and i havent moved from my bed, even though my body hurts so bad.

i guess putting it into words, typing it out- admittedly it scares me a little bit. it does make me see the reality of what is going on in my head, it starts to feel more real.

i remember in one of my attempts its like i was so kind to myself. the voice in my head told me it was gonna be okay, itll feel better, were doing this because i love myself. im doing this to protect myself. hanging myself would be a act of kindness to myself.

maybe i want someone to tell me something is wrong with my head. cuz it isnt enough to logic it out, i need someone else to tell me it. i need someone else to tell me it isnt normal the way im thinking.

for me the ceiling fan feels like a symbol of death, in the same way a cross is one.

my bed feels no different to a coffin. i think i will die there one day.

my room walls are the dirt that buries me in the ground.

i always imagined death would be a friend. death is the one gurantee we have in life. the one gurantee, of something true and real, that will take your pain away. even the tortured will be freed by death one day. and im glad to have it. it gives me comfort to know one day itll be over.

i live for my friends dont hurt themselves. i live for manga updates, and new episodes to come out from shows i like. to talk with my friends, to see my friends art. i think thats pretty much it..

i remember considering taking a lot of pills to make me sleepy and weak. a long time ago. and id think about, taking those pills right at the shore of the lake. and then id swim as far out as i could until i couldnt see anything. and then the pills would kick in, and id drown.

i mean outside of suicidal tendencies. i have disorders where i pick at my hair and my skin, and it helps calm me down but sometimes it gets to a point where i am bleeding.

and i mean these things i do dont really hurt anymore. they feel more relaxing than anything. but i feel like lately the fantasies get kind of more graphic. like lately ive been fantasizing about taking a knife and cutting parts of my ears off. slicing parts of my stomach off.

i think if there was no consequence to it, id probably do it. id cut everything off. just because it felt nice.

sometimes i think about taking gasoline and pouring it on my hands and feet and lighting it on fire. or dunking my feet in acid.

idk why but i just feel like having a body feels so uncomfortable. having hair, having teeth, having nails. its like i wish i could take it all apart. i wish i didnt have a body at all. i wish i could just be air.

i want to take a nap again.

im not going to hurt myself, just for the record.

[silenceofthecookies]

Henlo Cookie UwU! Happy to see your askbox open, hope you get many good requests! I need some of that motivation to dive into the Magi manga u so graciously let me borrow, so I am going to ask for a scenario with Kouen and his beautiful goatee UwU, maybe an arranged marriage, but him and fem!reader actually fall in love? It's a bit unexpected for both of them since they were just seeing it as a duty, but a nice extra. Happy writing, enjoy your week off and much much love and much UwU!

Henlo Hazel! And I’m happy to see you in my askbox UwU. I’m really looking forward to you reading the manga! I’m expecting updates on feelings, though the most interesting things are in the second half, obviously 😉 For now, enjoy Kouen and his terribly weak goatee game! ❤

Word count: 1823

Warnings: Suggestive themes

“Do you, Ren Kouen, take L/N Y/N to be your lawfully wedded wife?” “I do.” “And do you, L/N Y/N, take Ren Kouen to be your lawfully wedded husband?” “I do.” “Then by the power bestowed upon me by the Kou empire, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.”

The first kiss held no emotion at all. Neither did the vows. Everything felt forced, just like the marriage you had gotten into. Not that you expected anything different. You and Kouen had been forced into a political marriage, you as the eldest princess of your kingdom, and Kouen as the crown prince, who would need a wife for when he ascended.

You had only met once before the marriage. The emperor of the Kou empire and your father were discussing the alliance, while Kouen was showing you around the palace grounds. He had been indifferent, uninterested and he seemed everything but happy. You couldn’t blame him, you weren’t too excited about this either. Though you were happy that Kouen was a handsome young man, and not some ugly old creep.

The party was stiff and formal, as you had expected. The wedding took place in the Kou empire, where you would now be living. Only a few nobles and family members from your country had showed up, so most of the guests were people you didn’t know. Kouen greeted them all with either a serious face or a confident grin, and he introduced you to every one of them. You were sure you wouldn’t be able to remember all of their names. The party wasn’t really on your mind at the moment, and neither were politics.

It was with your now husband, and what he would be expecting of you, mostly of the first night. You knew what was supposed to happen, but you did not feel ready for it at all. You had read many stories talking about the romance of sharing a bed with the person you loved, and the fact that you had to share this special moment with a stranger made you sick.

The party lasted until late in the night, and it resulted in quite a lot of drunk people. One of them had been one of the Kou princesses, Kougyoku if you remembered correctly, who had started talking to you. It was a little awkward because she was pretty far gone, but you could feel she meant well. She told you little things about Kouen, things you ‘should know as his wife’. How he would work until late at night, how he enjoyed reading and playing chess to pass his free time. How much all his younger siblings looked up to him, and how much of a respectable man he was. Before she got much further, one of her servants gently coaxed her away from your side, and apologised on her behalf for her intoxicated state.

Not long after that, the party ended and you follow Kouen to the bedroom. You were so nervous you could throw up, but you tried to endure it. Kouen held the door open for you, and you stepped inside.

“Your clothes are over in that closet. If you need anything, call the servants. I will be sleeping in my room down the hallway.” You stared at Kouen in disbelief. “But shouldn’t we… ehm…” “You’re uncomfortable, right? Don’t pretend you’re not, I’ve noticed your behaviour at the wedding. I refuse to take a woman against her will, wife or not. Get used to life around here first, then we’ll see about consummating the marriage.”

You stared at his back as Kouen left your room, unable to react. About a minute after he closed the door behind him, you collapsed and started crying, unable to contain all the feelings you felt. Fear. Had you been so obvious? Would there be consequences? Doubt. Were you not good enough? But also happiness. He would not take you against your will. You would not be forced to spend the night with him. You would spend the night in your own bed, without a stranger next to you, doing things to you.

Once you had let out most of the emotion and sorted the bulk of your thoughts, you got changed into your nightgown and lied down in the bed. After all the stress from that day, and the emotions from that night, you were both physically and emotionally exhausted. The comfort of your new bed took you by surprise, and it didn’t take long before you fell asleep.

The next morning, servants woke you up, helped you get ready, and your new life as a princess of the Kou empire, and wife to Ren Kouen, began. You were required to join him and his siblings during mealtimes, but apart from that you got a surprising amount of freedom. You were no hostage for your country, but you still expected a more restricted approach, certainly since Kouen seemed to strict. Then again, he had already shown you he respected you, at least until a certain degree.

For the first few weeks, you and Kouen barely talked to each other at all. There was some conversation during mealtimes, mostly to keep up appearances, but there was no spark, no affection, no love. Once mealtimes were over, you minded your business, and Kouen minded his. He never asked you to sleep in his room, nor did anyone else question it. It wasn’t like he was unfriendly to you, and neither were you to him. There was just very little interaction coming from either side. It was an arranged marriage after all, this was just your duty. Neither of you seemed very much interested in each other, until one night in the library.

You had been in the Kou palace for a little over a month, and you knew the place like the back of your hand. It was late, but you were far from tired. To chase away the boredom, you decided to head to the library to find a book to read until you got sleepy. Once you entered the library, you noticed the two eldest princes. Kouen was sitting on a chair next to a table with a chess board on it, and Koumei was walking away from the table.

“Come on, Koumei. Just one more game?” Kouen grinned. “You always say one more game, and then you insist on another one after that. I’ve had enough for today, brother. I’ll be retreating to my room. Good night.”

Koumei walked past you on his way out, and nodded to you as a greeting before he left. Kouen sighed, although still grinning, and looked at you.

“Good night, Y/N. What brings you here at this hour?” “I wanted to read a book before going to bed.” “I see… so you’re not tried yet?” “No…?” “You wouldn’t know how to play chess, would you?” “Only the basics, but I do, actually.” You were a little proud to admit you knew how to play chess. Maybe a little too proud. Kouens grin widened at your answer. “Then, why don’t you play a game with me?” You instantly regretted your answer, and the pride behind it, but it was too late to back down now. “Very well, one game.”

One game turned into many. Kouen beat you every game, but you learned from his strategies and got a little better every time. About 5 games in, most of the formalities and indifferent treatments had been cast aside and you finally managed to see Kouen as the person he was. Confident, curious, smart, strategic and most of all, someone who loves gloating at a win, even if it was against an inexperienced player. And on the rare occasion that you made a good move that ruined his strategy? He would actually scowl, which was an oddly cute look on the crown prince. The games continued for a good while, before drowsiness finally caught a hold of you.

“Perhaps we should end our game here for tonight?” “We’re mid-game, how come?” “Because you seem to be falling asleep right where you’re sitting.” Kouen said with a serious face, though he couldn’t help but grin at the end. “Maybe then you should make your move so we can continue this game. That would ease the boredom. I get thinking about your move, but you’re really taking long this time.” “I made my move 3 minutes ago, Y/N. Did you not notice?” You stared at Kouen, and he grinned back at you. Feeling your cheeks heat up, you huffed and got up. “Fine, we’ll end it here for tonight. Good night, Kouen.” “Good night, Y/N.”

Getting up the next morning was more of a challenge than expected. You had stayed up much later than expected because of the games, and now you were feeling the results of your actions. Maybe taking a nap somewhere around noon would be a good idea. Or straight after breakfast. That also sounded good.

“Well well, look who’s finally woken up.” Kouen grinned as you sat down next to him. “Did your defeat from last night keep you awake?” “Oh no, not at all. Though I suppose you slept great, gloating about how you, an experienced player, beat a novice at every single match?”

The table was deadly silent, with the exception of Koumei. Knowing what was going on, a single snort from him was heard before he continued eating with a smile. Kouen stared at you with his piercing glare, before actually laughing. The sound of his laughter sounded like music to your ears, and the way his eyes closed while laughing made your cheeks feel warm.

“Then why don’t we change that? My study, tonight after dinner. I’ll show you that no matter how good you get, you still won’t be able to defeat me.” “You’re on.” “Good.”

Kouen grinned at you one more time, before continuing to eat his breakfast. You had no idea why you agreed to getting your ass kicked some more at chess. It was probably his laugh, the sound and sight of it were now burned into your brain, and you were hoping to see it again soon.

As you walked back to your room, set on getting some more sleep now you knew you would probably be up late again tonight, you went over what just happened one more time. Mostly over what you felt during that conversation. The want to spend another night with him like that, and the heat you felt in your cheeks when he actually laughed. You had a good idea what this was, you had read enough books about it, but you wouldn’t call it love just yet. Maybe a crush would be better. You barely knew him after all, but you had a feeling that wasn’t going to be the case for long.

[honeymoonjin]

day 11 & 12

With Festa in full swing last week, I feel like I didn’t have a chance to breathe let alone sit down long enough to articulate a review worthy of Day 11. I shall endeavor to do my very best to make up for that here. And, upon reading the start of Day 12, I am actually kinda glad I waited because I think that it gave me time to put both chapters into perspective. 

Day 11 was a very emotional one for Jungkook and I feel like we got to see those emotions coming to a head in this chapter. On the whole, Day 11 was such a fun, lowkey entry that I wasn’t really sure if I would have anything coherent to offer beyond high pitched squealing accompanied by the occasional swoon and cooing. But after seeing the tension and subsequent squabble that transpired at the breakfast table on Day 12, I see that perhaps there was more to ruminate concerning the feelings that Jungkook had experienced in the confessional booth. It’s so interesting from a writers perspective that you chose Jungkook to be the one to reiterate the whole point of the show; he’s younger, thus perhaps conventionally he’s a bit more emotionally immature than the rest of the guys. And yet, from the beginning, none of these guys have ever been portrayed as stereotypical or conventional; you have always expertly reminded the audience that each of the contestants (including our lady!) is more much complex than what meets the eye. It’s one of the things that I love so much about this series; none of the characters are ever “too perfect” and it’s those candid moments of vulnerability or weakness that truly makes this story stand out from a lot of other stories that I read. So to choose Jungkook as the person to make those “bold” comments and to have Namjoon be the one to call him out for being insensitive makes me feel like Jungkook’s response was much more complex than what it seems at glance. Like, it’s pretty obvious that Jungkook likes and respects our lady and perhaps he realized his indiscretion just a little to late but now he’s put on the spot, he’s been called out in front of everyone, and beyond the fact that he probably feels like shit for saying what he said and inadvertently hurting our lady in the process. He’s probably also hella embarrassed. I wonder too if maybe Jungkook is also ashamed that the person who called him out was Namjoon, someone who I want to believe, he respects and perhaps maybe admires a little. And despite the fact that I chuckled a little bit when our lady noticed that Jungkook was “staring at his pancakes like he’s trying to make them burst into flames”, I realized that he might also be both angry and disappointed in himself for his behavior. *sigh* Boy, you were so right all those weeks ago when you said “emotions are messy”. Anyway, that’s my roundabout way of saying, I liked the breakfast scene. Haha! Drama is inevitable; I love that you don’t shy away from presenting conflict for them to overcome. It offers opportunities for character growth and character exploration and I really appreciate that! 

Speaking of character growth, Namjoon got a chance to really flex those skills he acquired from “Hoseok’s School of Sexual Prowess”. That scene left me melting! Melting, I say! I’m not sure if you noticed but I make it a point to not reveal who my actual bias is in these reviews because I feel like I want to give all of the guys a chance to win me over for fan favorite. What I will say though is that you kind of hit on a lot of my personal preferences with Namjoon’s scene. Beyond the fact that the scene was really, really hawt, it fulfilled me on an emotionally intimate level, so it made the scene extra special. Bravo! 

And I suppose Jimin also deserves a standing ovation for that amazing show he put on. Holy smokes that was so hot. From the light banter and quips at the beginning of that scene to Jimin actually owning that entire lounge! And as amazing as the show (plus subsequent private scene with our lady afterwards) was, my favorite bit might be the exchange between Jimin and Hoseok, another scene that filled with tension and new revelations! It might actually be the most fascinating scene because it gave a glimpse at something rather unexpected; something has transpired between Hoseok and Jimin. I might be reading too much into the exchange but it feels as though something has happened away from the cameras between them. Because it feels like there has been a shift from blatant hostility between these two to something more akin to a genuine understanding that this is now a battle for power and control. I could be reaching but I feel like, at the very least, there have been words exchanged between them! It made the scene all the more intriguing! I loved every moment of it. Oh! Speaking of which, what is up with Jin?! When Yoongi asked Jin to speak to Kookie about what had happened that morning, it seemed he was a bit apprehensive to take up the task. I know that there might not be anything more there than just the fact that Jin might not want to be the one to have to broach the subject with Kookie but I feel like there’s more there than what meets the eye as well… my theory is in it’s fetus stage though, so I feel like I’ll hold back on my thoughts concerning Jin for now. And Yoongi, for that matter! I feel like there is something more there as well. AH! Too many theories to juggle! I will let you know what my thoughts are about it once I have gathered more adequate information. 

I still feel guilty for not being able to give you a full length review of Day 11. It really was such a great, light day. Jungkook’s scene left me all hot and bothered to the point where I spent the entirety of the week, searching up Jungkook smut fics to fulfill my Jungkook fix that that chapter evoked in me! Not to mention that the boys getting up to antics for a whiteboard that in the end they didn’t really need just made me all the more baffled by their behavior. It was fun, hilarious and just what I would expect from the guys.

To make up for not having anything for last week, I would like to take the opportunity to tell you about me loving this amazing story so much I nearly force-fed my best friend to read it with me so that I would have someone to fangirl with. Let me tell you a little bit about her. See, she doesn’t consume fanfics with as much verocity as I do. She is a very casual fanfic reader and if she does (which is rare in it of itself) she only ever reads MxM. Period. So when I told her the premises of “The Gentlemen” she was curious enough to read the contestant profiles. But I must say, from Day 1, you had her HOOKED! She would text me screenshots and emoji filled fangirlings in the wee hours of the morning (the only time she had to read at all) every single thing she loved about each chapter and it brings me so much joy that she was really dissecting and appreciating all the little things that I too loved about your story! We would have long, deep discussions about her prompt theories, her favorite members, tiny details that you’ve so expertly woven into the story (like Jimin’s tattoo for example, which is something she is obsessed with, btw) all of her favorite traits that our lady of the house has. It’s been so blissfully fun having this to share with her especially since I have her to thank for getting me into BTS in the first place. So, please know that you have a secret fan of “The Gentlemen” who would like you to know that she has been enjoying herself thoroughly and that she looks forward to your updates just as much as I do now! 

Anyhoo, I think I’ve prattled on long enough. Thank you so much for your continued hard work and dedication to this series! This was such an amazing chapter I cannot wait to see how everything unfolds; it feel as though these last 2 chapters have planted some major seeds (no pun intended!!); I look forward to see what it sows in the coming days. 💜 Jan

Oh my gosh! In all of my ramblings, I forgot to say "shout out to Lady Mango! You go get that stake, girly!" Also, YAY Grandma Park!! Heck, that entire exchange in the bathtub made me uwu so hard my heart is just a pile of mush rn! Also, also!! Jin x Tae is lowkey underrated, so thank you for that! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*✲ﾟ*｡⋆ I lub u so much!! kthnxbye

---

i’m not ashamed (okay, maybe a little) to admit that i kinda teared up and did a happy lil dance when i saw the email that you’d sent in a submission fksdjfkds i figured you’d probably been busy with life or with the mountainloads of content bighit is giving us these days so i was content to wait patiently, and it just made it that much more exciting when i saw this come in !

thank you, as always, for being so sweet and articulate and thoughtful in your reviews of the chapters. often you point out things that make so much sense that perhaps i hadn’t even noticed when writing. other times you hit an idea that i’d slipped in right on the nose. 

jungkook definitely is having a pretty tumultuous time on the show. for him, i imagine he feels like he’s the only one having a difficult time ironing out his feelings, or that if anyone else is struggling too, that they’re acting like nothing’s up. i also feel like jungkook’s competitive streak comes through in unexpected ways. of course he feels proud of his sexual prowess and kinda wants to showboat a little bit, but i think there’s an aspect too where he needs to be the one that’s always bolder than the others to assert his position. writing the namkook scene i kind of drew on that feeling where you’re fighting with someone you care about or think highly of, and even as you realise you’re wrong, you don’t want them to think badly of you and so you desperately scramble for a way to come out on top or prove you’re in the right. there’s also def a degree of him trying to convince himself the show is just about sex and that the rest doesn’t matter. he certainly doesn’t feel that way inside, but we see him vouching from that position so fiercely in d12. 

i’m glad you liked the namjoon scene !! one day i’ll figure out your bias fkdsjfksdjk you do such a good job at analysing and discussing everyone equally that it’s difficult >.<

it’s so fascinating to hear your jihope theory that they’ve spoken before. i must keep my silence on the details BUT there will be a very important scene between them coming up in the next few days of the show that i think will really change things between them and also how the readers see them. i’m super excited to write it ! 

beyond that, i’m happy you noticed something about jin in this chapter.... yn and jin still haven’t resolved their issues yet, plus here we are having jin not respond that well to being asked to counsel one of the members, something he always stated he was happy to do,,,,, hmmmm 0.0

i love hearing your theories so much !!! i eagerly await getting new content out so i can see how they shift and change from release to release

and also you really don’t need to feel bad ! there’s never any obligation to write out a long review for every chapter, but you do so anyway and that means a lot to me xx if you’re busy one week you don’t have to force yourself to make time for it. we have over 50 chapters, so we’re in for the long haul ! there’s really no rush

ahhhh that’s so cool to hear about your friend! it always warms my heart hearing stories of people that got their friends to begin reading and stuff, honestly even the thought that people think about tgm outside of reading it blows me away, it feels so special that it’s something y’all wanna share and discuss w your loved ones xx 

YES LADY MANGOOO i love adding little slips of her in the chapters, i know she doesn’t factor into the main story that much but everyone can rest assured that all of the members of the house (okay, and probably our three on-site producers too) spend a lot of time with her, walking her and cuddling her and playing with her. tae is probably currently trying to teach her some commands, but of course the only one she’s got the hang of is lie down jskfjsd

(finally YES taejin is such an underrated duo i love them)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #252

my personal laptop has to be fixed, so therefore i don’t have games to play, so expect plenty of these to pass the time lmao.

Have you ever said something just to see what kind of reaction you’d get? No, not that I remember. Have you ever confronted someone about using too much chat-speak? ??? No??? Have you ever revealed someone’s secret, after promising not to tell? No. Secrets are one thing I'm very serious about respecting. What is one emotion that you experience regularly? STRESS, MOTHERFUCKER. Describe the last major change you made concerning your hairstyle? Lopped it all off, lmao. It's been like, two years now though. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? It feels like my friend Alex. She's kinda just... left me hanging for months. I think she's active online, but not with me, despite reaching out. She's also deleted her b.net account or just removed me from her friends list, idk. Absolutely nothing seems like it would've prompted that, though. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? I was going to say no, but the last person's answer inspired mine to yes; like, I'm not going to go talk to people with some crazy or offensive shit on their shirts, nor am I going to just go walk up to someone covered in blood. Name one embarrassing activity that you take part in? I don't know. Like I say enough I'm VERY self-conscious of revealing I RP, but only because I'm sensitive to how the person will respond. I'm in no way like, ashamed I do it. I'm just terrified of judgment over something "unusual." Ever been told that you can’t understand love due to your age? Not that I remember. I only claimed to "get it" (to my recollection) at a point in mine and Jason's relationship, and I very legitimately would've guffawed at and honestly nearly slapped you if you claimed I "didn't understand" love. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? THE PINK ONES. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I act more like myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? No. Who is the fakest person in your life right now? I don't keep those people in my life. Have you ever laid down in the grass, and made shapes out of the clouds? As a kiddo. When someone’s constantly negative, how do you deal with it? It depends on the person, but ALMOST in all cases, I really really try to support the person as best I can. It may start to bring me a bit down, but I feel I'm just like... hardwired to help those I love. I think it's what my relationship with Jason did, as he left because he couldn't handle my depression anymore, and with how that absolutely and utterly annihilated me, I don't want anyone else to feel that pain. Now, for people I don't have much of a bond with, it's easier for me to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now," but even then, I prefer to help. Does Christmas make you feel like a kid again? No. I'm really most excited for aunt reasons, lol. Do you have any artistic talent? Some. Would you ever shoplift from a store if you knew you wouldn’t be caught? Absolutely not. When one of your pets dies, how do you react? Usually cry. I've only ever not done so if I hadn't at all formed a bond with the animal. When you go to the movies, where in the theater do you sit? Close to the front, in the middle. When was the last time you lost your appetite? I don’t know. Have you ever neglected to take care of yourself? Er. Quite badly during '16, in the depth of my depression. I'll just say my teeth are kinda yellow because of it. I want to whiten my teeth at some point if I can afford that kind of luxury. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? In RP, the most recent section being written now is my main protagonists receiving a visit from their allies before getting their asses torn up the next day lmao. After a fight, who apologizes first - you, or the other person? Usually me, but it does depend. If I genuinely feel I didn't do jackshit wrong, no, I'm not apologizing. When you’re feeling creative, what do you do? Write. Do you mind being in your house alone overnight? Not really by now. Done so a number of times. Are there any dreams you remember from childhood? Nightmares, yes, and one very realistic dream. What worries you most about death? Not knowing what happens afterwards. Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970s or earlier? I love The Munsters, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Addams Family. I'm sure there's more, considering I liked to watch stuff with my mom as a kid. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ever been to a rave? No. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? I don't really do that. Like I'll vent about people occasionally, but "talk shit" seems like the wrong word. I don't like gossiping. Are you a jealous person? Envious, rather, sometimes. I get VERY envious when it comes to photography, but otherwise, I don't feel it much. Who do you text the most out of your friends? Sara is like the only friend I text, lol. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?
 Honestly, call an authority. I don't fuck with that. I'm not watching it happen. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?
 I played World of Warcraft daily until my laptop took a shit. Need to get that fixed. Now I play actual video games very rarely... but mostly just because you can only replay the same ole game so many times before you've had enough of it for like a year. There are a great number of new games I want to play, though. I want a PS4 soooo badly. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?
 More than anything, posting something that's crying for attention only for the person to be like "ugh I don't wanna talk about it." Then don't fucking post it. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? I feel like I haven't found new interests in a long time... Wait! I do feel The Handmaid's Tale and the Wings of Fire book Sara lent me have revived my love of reading! :') I want to go to the book store when I can and get both the new sequel to THT and the next WoF book. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?
 *shrug* Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?
 I need SOME alone time, but for the most part I love being together. Once we're really close, anyway. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Scrambled eggs. Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?
 Yeah. Funny story, there was this one time my sister won a stuffed duck from a claw machine, and it was the one I wanted after trying many times, and I cried so hard that one of the employees literally got one out for me lmfao. I probably still have it in the attic. When was the last time you went out to a fair?
 Not since right before the breakup. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?
 Like, two hours. We almost never go because of the distance. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?
 No. My dad's been a mailman all my life, and Mom is currently on disability because she has cancer and obviously can't work because of chemotherapy and all that. She was a pharmacy tech, though. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be?
 Can all this weight like vanish please. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like?
 ????? Why would I do that???? Well, I didn't yet like-like Tyler because we hadn't been reunited as friends long enough; dating was kinda like... a dumb way to re-get to know each other? Thank fuck that was only two weeks. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I'm single. Would you ever work at a fast food restaurant?
 No. History shows I can't work with people. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off?
 AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie?
 I never watched them. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck on a frozen pole?
 No. Are you a cat or a dog person?
 Cat. Does the movie Titanic make you cry?
 Ha ha, yes. I watched it on movie day while at the psych hospital and all of us were lil bitches almost sobbing, lol. Because it's a long movie, it went past our allotted time, but the nurses decided to let us finish it because we were so into it. I do have some good memories from those times... Do you think that fat people should wear skinny jeans? I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want without fear of judgment. Do you prefer game systems like Xbox, or older ones like Super Nintendo? The former. Do you enjoy indie music? Yep! What is the most strange piercing you’ve ever seen? Those ones people were getting on their fingers instead of rings... just huh. What do you do when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store? Look around, I guess. Think. What is your favourite beach to go to? I haven't been to enough to know. Have you ever been to a country club? No. Have you ever seen an animal die in real life? Too many times. Animals have been euthanized in my arms, and a kitten slowly died in my hands once. One of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. Teddy accidentally punctured its lungs or broke ribs, I think, or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was trying to bring it back to its siblings because it wandered off, but he held it too tightly. I was home alone, too. It was fucking awful. Do you live on a Rd, St, Blvd, Ln, Way, or Ave? Road. Do you have naked pictures of someone saved on your phone? No. Would you ever go see an opera? Bitch I played Parasite Eve, I don't trust that shit. But seriously, no, not my scene. Do you own anything John Deere? No. Do you have a push mower or a mower that you ride on? Neither. A friend mows for us; he has the latter. What is the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic for? No clue. I think during a trip to New York. Would you consider joining the air force, army, etc? No. Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Dylan. I thought he was super cute and cool. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? I dunno. Who did you idolize growing up? Steve Irwin. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? No. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? Best: English. Worst: math. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. Writing poetry. Drawing. Do you like to get your nails done? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT. Do you like to wear dresses? Hell no with my current body. Do you like any ‘manly’ activities like hunting, fishing, or camping? I find fishing to be fun and relaxing, but because of morals, I can't stomach doing it anymore. What was the name of your first boyfriend? First with the title, Aaron. First *real* boyfriend, Jason. Your first kiss? Jason. Are you still with either of those people from the last 2 questions? No. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? Ha ha no. I think. What is your longest relationship to date? Three years, 7-8 months. I don't remember if the breakup was in August or September. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was kinda like... mutual-ish, but moreso her. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Do you cry during romantic movies? Sometimes. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Have you ever been used? I don't think so romantically, but in other ways, I know I have been. Have you ever felt violated? Yes. Do you like when a guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? Not everyone likes guys, so what an assumption. But anyway, only if we're very serious and have heavy trust in one another. Do you ever leave the house without makeup? Pretty much always. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Been a few years. What kind of gift can win you over? BITCH buy me something Mark-related and you earn like 20 points. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? Depends on who you are. In almost any case, no. They're awkward. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Do you sleep naked? No. Is smoking a turn-off? Yes. Is there a certain tv show you get upset if you miss? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else’s house? When I was at Sara's a year or so back. What is one food you always crave? Ice cream. Are you an exercise freak? Hunny- What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Snakes don't scare me, so spooders. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? No. Would you ever get implants? Nah. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s sibling? No. Are you more of a 'girly girl’ or a 'tomboy’? A tomboy. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. Are you addicted to texting? No.

[imgoingtocrash]

1-20 lololol

thank u for your pity savannah joke’s on all of my followers I am absolutely going to answer them all because I’m bored

1. who is the hardest character for you to write?

At the moment it’s MJ--but I’m slowly overcoming that writing block and getting to know her better as I write her. Otherwise...I don’t know, I rarely write for characters if I don’t feel I have a decent angle on them.

2. who is the easiest character for you to write?

Deadpan Snarkers, lol. Tony, Kanan, sometimes Jyn...though I used to like writing for Felicity a lot too because she’s very cute-funny instead of snarky-funny and it was interesting to play with.

3. How do you know if your writing is “in character”?

This is tough, because I think a lot of the fun of fanfic is that we play with what “in character” means, but in my writing, I imagine it all very cinematically--could I imagine the character being played that way by their actor, could I make this scene happen in some alternate universe tv show and feel like it meshes with the real thing (or what I would prefer the canon character was like, in some cases)?

4. Where do your story ideas come from?

It depends. Sometimes it’s seeing something that already exists and taking inspiration (EX: an AU, a trope, an episode of TV, a movie) and other times it’s a very specific scene in my head. (EX: Tony finding Peter in the cabin in your energy has not died. I had to iron out the details of the story as a whole, but I saw Peter’s cabin and Tony’s approach very clearly.)

5. Do you tell the people in your life that you write fics?

I used to, but now I’m more careful about it. My parents have always supported it, but they didn’t really get it. Friends I’ve had since high school are either fandom friends who read it or friends who I showed my writing to at the time. My roommate in college wrote some, so we’d talk about it sometimes. I don’t talk about it at work because it doesn’t really come up, but I don’t think my boss or anyone would think it’s too weird bc we’re all creatives.

6. What has been the hardest fic for you to write?

Invulnerable is off and on hard, just because it’s a very “I HAVE AN IDEA...aaaand now I have to make it into a whole Thing” process that I have with it. this was is the story of our lives was pretty tough just because it’s futurefic, and I was determined to get my ages and dates and things right, and with Star Wars that can be a whooooole monster.

7. What fic of yours makes you the most emotional?

Chapters 5 and 6 of Invulnerable made my eyes water for sure. I haven’t been through anything like it, but the emotional, physical places that I put Tony and Peter in for those chapters were really raw. A Foreign Feeling is pretty high up there now, because it took MONTHS of work with Savannah, and it was fun and emotional and we both had writers block at times but WE DID THE DAMN THING and it feels really good and weird to have it done. Also, you got me hoping for a miracle, because it’s THE HUG WE DESERVED!!!

8. What is a scene you wrote that you are most proud of?

The Vanity Fair article in i fell for mantle photographs is a point of pride for me. I don’t know why, I just always wanted to do something like it, and it feels sleek and modern and super in-universe.

9. Is there one character that you refuse to write? why?

I don’t have any hard and fast rules or anything, but it’s unlikely I’ll ever write for villains. I know some people get a kick of exploring their POVs, but I rarely do.

10. When you write fics, how much of canon are you willing to ignore/skip over?

It seems like a cop-out to say it depends, but it does. In general I’m pretty flexible (most commonly, in who lives and dies), but there’s a point where it essentially becomes original fiction with character names slapped on it, you know? I like to be able to recognize the characters I’m reading about, even if it’s in an AU.

11. Do you prefer to be cold or hot when you write?

Cold. I like to bundle up and sit in my little writing blanket cocoon.

12. What is your ideal writing area?

I do just about everything on my laptop, in my bed. It’s made for staying comfy while writing for hours.

13. How do you come up with your titles?

I’m a fan of using details and quotes from the stories themselves. I also like using songs/quotes as a title that have relation/meaning to the story. I just want things to connect and have meaning.

14. How do you come up with chapter titles?

Honestly, I usually don’t use chapter titles much. When I do, it’s pretty basic.

15. At what point in writing a fic, do you decide to quit?

Well, passion is a big part of it. If I don’t want to write the fic anymore...I won’t. There are also some points where I just...know it’s not going anywhere. If I can’t come up with the next section, if I’ve been stuck on one place for months and purposefully am writing everything else BUT that fic...it’s time to let it go. If an impulse idea makes me want to pick it back up, it’s always there, but I have a lot of WIPs and I try to prioritize and keep it fun by doing whatever I feel like doing.

16. How much of your personal life do you put into fics?

Too much? Not enough?? Tbh I’m inspired by events/people from my life more than I directly reference specific things. Like, 287 Miles, i like (the idea of) you, and the Twenty-Something series weren’t my college experience, but there were a lot of things inspired by campus life, stressors I experienced, or ways I wish my college life had been.

17. What is the most supportive comment you have gotten?

Most recently, the user Laronia on AO3 literally commented on EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY MARVEL FICS. ALL OF THEM. AND THEN LEFT A GIANT, AMAZING COMMENT ON A Foreign Feeling. I am so incredibly touched about it. No one has ever done that before. I felt like a fucking superstar all day.

18. What is the most negative comment you have gotten?

Someone left comments on a couple of my Star Wars Rebels fics that were literally just. Fact correcting me. The most UM, ACTUALLY, bullshit. ON CANON DIVERGENT FICS. Like, no other commentary about the fic. They took the effort to sign in and comment as a guest--not a member, a guest with a username--just to “correct me”. Why. Anyway, in retaliation, I then took the effort to put those comments in the I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS DUDE meme from It’s Always Sunny and sent it to a friend to make myself feel better.

19. How do you handle negative comments?

I really don’t get many, which has been a relief. I think a lot of us do extra research on things like canon timelines, medical jargon, etc. because we’ve experienced gatekeepers like the above commenter and it sucks. We’re terrified that with every fic we have to prove ourselves as “real fans” “worthy” of writing fic. I still do it, even though a part of me wants to be the kind of person that doesn’t spend an hour researching smoke inhalation treatments, what ages everyone was before the Blip, or what year x Star Wars battle happened. I just...try to be kind to my fellow writers and hope that karma comes back to me.

20. What story that you have written makes you the happiest to re-read?

The Cloak Verse is so soft, as a series. Everything in it is fluffy and whumpy and there just because I wanted it to exist. Also, everything I did for Pepperony Week 2019! I worked really hard on all of them, and every one came out really well imo. Again--they’re fics I wanted to read for them, so I made them. OH, and Honorary Stark. It’s EXCELLENT 5 Times fic in general, and I love when I get to do The OTP + The Parent&Child Relationship. (Plus, 3rd Person Perspective on The OTP!)

[rcsonant-blog]

                                           you don’t want to hear the story of my life,                                          and anyway i don’t want to tell it, i want to listen                                                to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.                                                 and anyway it’s the same old story—                                                           a few people just trying,                                                              one way or another,                                                                     to survive.

mirae was born to kwon hyemi, a beautiful dragon that’s features easily enchanted anyone with a passing glance. unlike many other dragons, her mother remained unregistered, roaming free and ���illegal” all of her life. well, almost all of her life. like dragons before her, she had been thrust into the system as a child, growing up in a care facility herself until she was sold off to a wealthy family. the family, like many families often did to dragons, treated her horribly, never addressing her as an equal, abusing her as a pet, and shackling her away when they had to use of showing her off around town. she was nothing more than a luxury item to them. and hyemi had accepted that as her life until she had met a man. in particular, another dragon from the families close friends.

a secret love affair was what they shared, running around in secret behind closed doors and reveling in each others company. they made each other feel alive, like they were destined for more than a life of solidarity and imprisonment. they loved each other, at least that’s what hyemi thought -- until she got pregnant. then everything changed.

they were both panicked, knowing that this information would tear the families into shambles. the news certainly wouldn’t go over well, especially for them. fear drove them mad, until realization struck. not only would this affect them, it would affect the children. if they weren’t ripped away from hyemi, they’d be subjected to the same torture she had to endure.

that just wasn’t going to happen.

hyemi tried to talk him into going with her, she really did. that was the best option -- run away together, start a new life. they could do it, surely. but that was the thing. he didn’t want to. he was afraid, the uncertainty too much for him, the pregnancy and responsibility that accompanied it much less desirable than staying shackled in a home.

so, in a desperate attempt at a normal life for her children, hyemi decided to run away alone. she didn’t have time for his cowardly ass!

hyemi lived like that, homeless on the streets, staying hidden and fending for herself. she made a few friends along the way, friends willing to help her out for a few days. but it only ever lasted a few days. hiding a runaway, illegal dragon wasn’t exactly what people would call worth the risk.

nearing the due date, hyemi had become incredibly sick, which put a stress on the pregnancy. because of that, when she finally gave birth ( in the home of a dear friend of hers ), not every baby survived. 10 had been born, and only 5 had survived. it was rough on hyemi because she knew it was her fault, even if it wasn’t actually her fault. her health was to blame, and she’d done the best she could with the circumstances but it just wasn’t enough.

flashing forward ( ‘cause the meat in the middle isn’t at all important ) mirae grew along with her siblings, her family remaining on the streets. if you’d ask her, she doesn’t remember much from the time other than a lot of nights were spent cold and were often scary, but her mother was warm. she had a tender voice, and mirae loved the way her heart sounded when she pressed her ear to her chest.

mirae gotten distracted one day, wondering far off without thinking while her mother wasn’t fully paying attention. five children was a lot to keep an eye on, but mirae was only 2 dragon years ( 8 human ). a simply shiny object and she was off. it was as simple as that, in the panic of the bustling city, she’d been separated from her mother and siblings.

while she cried, she wondered around until her tears dried, simply searching. just trying to find her mother. for a while she did that, not necessarily accustomed to surviving on her own, but doing it anyway. it was a few weeks later that she wondered into the kim’s shop, just desperate to see if they had a bathroom that she could use since the last two places had refused.

their curious and sad eyes fell upon her with sadness, offering her to stay for a little longer and asking if she was hungry. morally they couldn’t throw an 8 year old back out on the street, so they decided to let her stay with them for the night, and the next, and the night after that, taking her back to their home. she hadn’t necessarily moved in with them, but she definitely wasn’t going anywhere given 6 months had passed since she’d joined them. at least she had a friend. a young girl by the name of eunbi, only a few years older than her ( she was only 13 ) in human years and unknowingly, she had imprinted on her within a short time.

it was different than her imprint on her mom. a welcoming attention, a tight comfort. she didn’t want to lose her.

they still didn’t know she was a dragon, though ( her telling horns hadn’t quite come in just yet ). but it had taken one moment of which she’d woken up alone and bellowed the most horrendous, echoing cry that resembled something much more intense than any alarm could fathom that started it. the police were called on a noise complaint, and the issue was addressed. “oh my -- that’s a dragon! are you aware that your dragon is unregistered? that is a horrendous offense, you could get jail time, y’know.”

“my what is what now???”

it took some discussion with eunbi’s parents, but with pleading eyes they’d decided to register her. the process was quick for them, the regional boss of their little quaint shop giving them a fast pass to the registration process that usually took people a year and a half to go through due to the fact that mirae had already imprinted on eunbi and separation anxiety for a dragon was a bitch.

and i mean like ,, that’s it ?? she grew up with them, moved out with eunbi when eunbi moved out, and that’s been her life ever since. kind of an abrupt ending, but you’ll get the missing information between this point and now in eunbi’s bio so stay tuned!

IMPORTANT TIDBITS

alright so there’s not a crazy amount of information to know about dragons. i might add things as i go and figure it all out myself but these are the things i know so far that personally apply to mirae

when in her human form, she has the ability to harness a few abilities that she could as a dragon, the most important and prevalent of that being fire. most of it comes from her hands, but whether or not she can do it any other way (i.e. her mouth) is something she isn’t quit sure of herself. because of this ability, she tends to set things on fire a lot unintentionally. miniature expositions and general fire hazards are something to always be prepared for when you’re around her.

overwhelming emotions are very dangerous. when she gets upset, her cry can become alarmingly loud and, quit honestly, terrifying. if she feels highly distressed, or even angry, she’s at a threat of transforming into her full dragon form altogether. (eunbi only experienced this once, and it was when mirae had been hauled away from her and thrown into custody to be registered). overall, all u really need to know is Intense Emotions are Very Bad

when she turns into a full dragon it’s super badass. one day i’ll change this small section with a picture of what she looks like probably. the one thing i’d like to mention is her scales are iridescent. they shift from beautiful shades of a range of colors, which is rarely seen on dragons, and it’s quit the spectacle.

⸻ THE BASICS

name: kwon mirae

age: 20

age in dragon years: 5

birthday: august 11, 1998

race: korean

gender: cisfemale

sexuality: bisexual

relationship status: single

⸻ PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

hair: brown

eyes: brown

height: 158 cm (5′2)

build: slim

distinguishing marks: horns. i know this picture is white, but i think the horns would boarder more of a darker brown/black [x]

common accessories: none

⸻ PERSONAL  

profession: helps eunbi around her shop

languages: korean

residence: taebaek, south korea

birthplace: pyeongchang, south korea

religion: catholic

fears: abandonment

disabilities: none

good traits: animated, adventurous, bright, compassionate, enthusiastic, playful, reliable, talkative, sincere, sweet

bad traits: childish, fearful, indecisive, messy, mischievous, picky, possessive, rowdy, sharp, uncoordinated

⸻ TRAITS

extroverted / introverted / in between.

disorganized / organized / in between.

close minded / open-minded / in between.

calm / anxious / in between.

disagreeable / agreeable / in between.

cautious / reckless / in between.

patient / impatient / in between.

outspoken / reserved / in between.

leader / follower / in between.

empathetic / unemphatic / in between.

optimistic / pessimistic / in between.

traditional / modern / in between.

hard-working / lazy / in between.

cultured / un-cultured / in between.

loyal / disloyal / unknown / in between.

faithful / unfaithful / unknown / in between.

⸻ PLACE IN SOCIETY

financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty

class or caste: upper / middle / working / unsure

education: high school / college / dropped out / didn’t go to school

criminal record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no

⸻ BELIEFS

monotheist / polytheist / atheist  / agnostic

belief in ghosts or spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

belief in an afterlife:  yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

belief in reincarnation:  yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

belief in aliens: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

philosophical: yes / no

⸻ CAPABILITIES

combat skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

literacy skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

artistic skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

technical skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

social skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

⸻ HABITS

drinking alcohol: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

smoking: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

other narcotics: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

medicinal drugs: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

indulgent foods: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

splurge spending: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

gambling: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess

⸻ HABITS

nail biting / throat clearing / lying / interrupting / chewing the ends of pens / smoking / swearing / knuckle cracking / thumb sucking / muttering under their breath / talking to themselves / nose picking / binge drinking / oversleeping / snacking between meals / skipping meals / picking at skin / impulse buying / talking with their mouth full / humming or singing to themselves / chewing gum / leg jiggling / foot tapping / sighing / hair twirling / whistling / eye rolling / licking lips / sniffing / squinting / rubbing hands together / jaw clenching / gesturing while talking / putting feet up on tables / tucking hair behind ears / chewing lips / crossing arms over chest / putting hands on hips / rubbing the back or their neck / being late / procrastinating / doodling / shredding paper / peeling off bottle labels / forgetfulness / running hands through hair / overreacting / teeth grinding / nostril flaring / slouching / pacing / drumming fingers / fist clenching / pinching bridge of nose / rubbing temples / rolling shoulders

[jessieyardley]

Online Dating

Wanted to put this here for the longest time.. Let me paste what I wrote before.

1. The Average Joe:

He applies the law of averages on any girl who makes the mark. No wit nor originality in his opening text. Normalities but well, lucky if he catch me at a good time. Sometimes he has a fancier copy & paste text ready for fast application.

2. The Married Man

Or the one who already has a girl. In disguise as the eligible bachelor or divorced, separated or widowed with a kid. His account disabled at times. Usually good with first texts.

3. Anonymously Yours

A scenery, a blurry selfie or a long shot like a golf ball. Sometimes an animal or a black hole. Can be very abstract too. Its perfectly fine that I do not have a mental image of him. Suspense or surprise, anyone? Usually inferior about his looks or could be The Married Man.

4. The Showstoppers

They pop up with a bang. Fancy word flattery & a keen eye on your profile details. Sometimes I am impressed, sometimes its a little overdone like steak. Always liked mine medium rare.

5. The Mad Hater

He detests my guts but secretly likes my whole package. He text me with a vengence becos he knows he stands no chance. So bad attention is better than none for him. I don't mind when I have time & popcorn to start entertainment. Let's start the trolling.

6. Flies

They text you as though to remind you of your next menstrual cycle. Or maybe more. They don't get it that I am not interested. Tough luck.

7. The Incredible Hunk

There's always a selfie shot at the bathroom mirror. Perfect body. Then you realise the 2nd or the subsequent ones are the same except the backgrounds. Either narcissistic or attracting DTF girls.

8. Minions

In endless chatter they talked about the mundane or their narcissistic selves. Why did I even let it happen? Kill me pls. Not Bill.

9. The Popular Dude

All the group shots without a single selfie. Make your guess from every 10+ mini heads in the pic. Sometimes he makes it clear with many emojis covered up for the rest. That's awesome.

10. Mr Bond

Maybe he doesn't have the looks but he is so accomplished. With his Porsche or yacht or his million dollar house in his pic. He makes me thirsty with the glass of champagne in his hand.. What is he even doing here? (Oops like me) I am no gold digger, baby.

11. James Blunt

He woos me like the lyrics from "You're Beautiful." He's mesmerized by me. And by the many sweet young things here too.

12. The Hookuppers

How can I leave them out? Soul of the online dating like the school of fishes in the ocean. Gotta give them credit for prompt honesty. Wanna have some fuck with no drama? No thanks.

13. The Imposter

Fake profile pics like the Louis Vuitton replicas those bitches are carrying while looking high & mighty. U think I am gonna fall in love with you via online conversations when u haven't an ounce of real confidence? U ain't even getting a fake orgasm from me, loser.

14. Mr Carefree

The feel of his pictures captures me & his written profile fascinates. He leads a life free like a bird. Commitment phobe but adores women. Usually a long string of love & sex history. Play no games but u gotta follow his rules. That u aint priority. Maybe we aint meant to be.

15. The Cougar Hunter

My age excites him. To him, it just means sexually experienced and high sex drive to promise fun between the sheets. Baby boy, sex is two way. I am not gonna be your lalaland for free.

16. My High School Boyfriend

He texts you sweet nothings for a long exchange for days, weeks or maybe months etc. No emotional depth nor real intentions to take it to the real world. Opps, sorry. I don't like High School Musical.