#u had zero guidance from anyone that was supposed to be there for u

[mariposa-suelta]

having this silly lil blog is actually helping me sooo much w mindfulness its kinda crazy?? like scrolling thru it and fully absorbing the messages is actually getting thru to me im kinda shook

[spinchip]

i personally think u should write about the AU where Five was completed before the lab was destroyed. maybe a few moments where the ninja see how much Five truly cares for her brother?

A/n: this ended up being not what you asked at all akljnasdjlas sorry, I literally stopped it right before we see her interact more with the Ninja. 1500 words 

When she’s turned back on, it’s to wreckage and loss. Her siblings are gone, the mechanics and programmers too scared to venture back into a lab that’s one gentle breeze from collapsing in the roof. Her home is a death trap- or a grave, the bodies of her siblings laid to rest in their docking stations.

Her creator, with her salt and pepper hair and her laugh lines and her brown eyes, is the only one brave enough to risk the carnage.

“There you are.” She says, taking Fives hands. The world is thick and soupy around her limbs and her head, she's not quite sure where she begins and ends, her start-up rushed and shoddy, “Come on, Five, come on.” she says it like a plea, the support beams around them creak ominously.

She is supposed to protect those who cannot protect themselves.

Her creator is trembling, paper and salvaged hard drives and folders clutched under one arm, the other held fast to fives palm.

Five moves.

____

“What did you say your name was?” He asks, there’s a spark of something in his eyes that she cannot decipher.

“I didn’t.” She shoves her hands into her pockets, settling down next to him on the bench. It’s a secluded little thing, on the outskirts of the park near a walking trail, half-hidden in the shade of the forest closing in on them, “It’s Five.”

On her HUD, there’s a blinking warning.

Ice detected.

“It’s a unique name.” He remarks, pinning her with a calculating look.

She shrugs one shoulder, meeting him eye for eye, “I didn’t like any other names I’ve tried on.”

He’s right to be suspicious, of course, it’s not every day a random person came right up to an elemental master and made themselves at home. She isn’t scared of him, and he doesn’t seem to want to hurt her- or anyone, for that matter. He’s got a book in his lap and he’s holding a pen, and he doesn’t seem inclined to share what he’s been doing. He’s drawing. One day she’ll be lucky enough to see his sketches.

“Can I sit with you, Rudolph?” She asks.

“Of course, Five.” He nods, closing his book and putting it away. They sit in silence and watch the morning tick by.

She will watch him, just to be sure he isn’t a threat, and then she will move on. This is temporary.

___

“You are my longest friend, Five.” Rudolph says one day. They haven't seen any of the other Elemental Masters in awhile, not since her friend had stood up one day, from his home that was quaint and small and just big enough for the two of them, and walked out the door without ever planning to return. She had followed him, out onto his journey, dreading the destination with each step.

“And you are mine.” She tells him quietly, the snow crunches beneath their feet quietly.

“You have never lied to me, and in turn I have never asked you anything that would require it.” He stops walking, his old and wrinkled hands clutching at his walking stick as he turns to face her fully, “But I have always wondered what you really are. Do you think you could satisfy an old man's curiosity?”

She is as young as the day he met her, “You would be angry with me.” She tells him honestly.

“I won’t be, I promise.” His eyes twinkle, “As long as you promise to forgive my secret, too.”

“You’re hiding something from me?” Old protocols flare, suspicions she hasn’t indulged in years. She firmly clamps down on those feelings.

Rudolph chuckles, “You first, me last.” He resumes his trek, the snow soaking chill into his pant legs, and he shivers at the touch.

She hesitates, and then she follows.

And then she talks.

When she is done, he says, “I knew you stuck around because of my element, from the first moment we met.”

“i’m glad you allowed me to stay.”

___

“I will miss you.” She says honestly, sitting as his side in the little camp they’ve made. Silence stretches into the forest, the snow pausing it’s gentle travel to give them their peace.

He’s dying.

“Part of me will always be here, in Ninjago.” He nods to the snow around them, “You are not alone.”

the fire crackles and spits.

“I have been selfish.” he admits suddenly, “I promised you if you told me your secret, I would tell you mine- but when I heard about your programming, I withheld my truth because I was afraid you would leave me.”

She frowns, “I don’t understand.”

“I am not the Master of Ice. I have given my power away to a boy in birchwood forest, when you had gone to town to get us food.” He folds his hands over his chest, clutching his fingers together, “I never told you because I did not want to be alone. I’m Sorry, Five.”

Her HUD flickers to life, and she runs a scan she hasn’t had to run in years.

No Element Detected.

He hums in her silence, it’s a quiet sound in the dead of the night, the dying fire casting odd flickering shapes across his skin, “But your purpose has been evolving, you are not a machine like you think. I knew you were watching me, but I was watching you too. Somewhere along the line, you came to care for me, dear, and I care for you too.” He reaches out to take her hand, and he trembles from the cold, “I love you, my friend.”

She adds wood to the fire to hide the wet of her eyes, “I love you too, you know this.”

“I do. I understand now I would not have been alone.” His eyes close, “We are not alone.”

Five feeds the fire, and breaks camp in the morning, and doesn’t know what to do.

No Element Detected.

She needs to go to Birchwood forest.

___

She knows loss, and how much it hurts. She’s survived it once, she can survive it again.

Protect those who cannot protect themselves.

There’s a boy in birchwood forest who needs guidance.

Five moves.

___

She’d never been here, Rudolph and her having split up for a handful of days while Five resupplied in town. The snow is thick and deep here, she struggles to trudge through it.

Halfway into the forest, with the threat of Treehorns hanging around her head, Five feels a program that was never supposed to run ping gently in the back of her mind.

The world stops, and then kickstarts back as she races through the snow with fervor.

___

This is her first time waking up.

She’s been awake before, inside the computer, with people asking her questions and fixing her when her code hurts and breaks. This is her first time in her body. Her skin is silver, there are wires poking through, metal plates shifter and out of place. Her inner mechanisms in her chest are exposed, the blue glow from her core fascinating and welcoming.

She feels connections branching out from her mind, pings filling up her head, and she knows- it’s One, it’s two, it’s Three and Four-

It’s Zero, all of her siblings, she can feel their presence in her mind- it’s a basic thing, something that was maybe supposed to be developed into a wireless radio, but it doesn’t get that far before the lab is destroyed.

What's the use of it then, when she's the last one left?

___

She finds him sitting on his knees in the snow, on the outskirts of the forest. She’d nearly missed him in her desperation, he’s dressed in all white. It’s clear he’s been walking for a long while, his pants soaked through. He’s clenching and unclenching his hands, his eyes are wet.

He looks up at her, wide eyed and surprised, and she falls to her knees too, her strength leaving in one shocked rush- it’s him. It’s her brother, it can’t be anyone else, it’s Zero.

“I know you.” He says plainly, the familiar and comforting connection in his coding flaring to life.

She nearly can’t keep from crying, clapping her hand over her mouth to hold it in. she has to be strong, she has to be.

His eyebrows knit together, “I- I am Zane.” He tells her gently, clenching his fists on his thighs, unsure how to approach her emotional state, “I… I don’t remember anything else, i’m sorry.”

“You’re- it’s fine.” She sloshes through the snow to take his hands, holding them like a lifeline. She smiles and it’s the most genuine smile she thinks she’s ever had, if a little watery around the edges, “You don’t remember me, but I’m your sister, Zero. I’ll protect you. You’re not alone.”

He looks up at her with big doe eyes, and she nods, all determination and strength, “I promise.”

Her HUD flashes.

Ice Detected.

Thank you, Rudolph, She pulls her brother into a tight hug.

Protect those who cannot protect themselves.

Protect him.

Her purpose is evolving.

___

When Wu comes, as she knew he would, he doesn’t recognize her. She didn’t think he would, he had been awfully self absorbed around the time she had been hanging around, too caught up in his own drama to pay attention to others. He asks politely to speak to her brother, she refuses, far less polite.

Zane has a nightmare about his own death that night, and Five wonders if she can survive it again.

In the backyard she used to share with Rudolph, she teaches her brother Spinjitzu, and hopes it will be enough.

___

A year later, three boys show up on her doorstep, and she knows she cannot keep him from destiny any longer.

But she sure can tag along.

[laimeirtepat]

2 0 2 0

(in 2020 the calendar and time was the most relative matter that I did not follow the days, realizing I am writing the every year letter days after I normally do it)

2 0 2 0  w h a t a y e a r  (please say that in 2021 there is no pandemic and one is free to attend opera and coffee shops with his friends?)

what I love the most about this looking back is that for an hour or so (be honest, it takes a day)  I can travel in time - pack myself into a suitcase and go back to who I was 365 days ago. isn't it true that we forget who we were and where we came from. silly, because I do believe we must remember those milestones in our way from time to time. perhaps instead of looking (living) in the future and sabotaging ourselves with pressure that we are not there yet (where we strongly and obsessively believe we should be?), we could shift our perspective to the journey we have already experienced. I don't mean looking back and living in past (absolutely not), I simply believe we must notice and be proud of the steps we've already took – look back, realize how high you have already climbed and now see the highest step as the ground zero – start today where you left yesterday. And never think you have reached the top – let me tell you - you never will, there is more than just one mountain in this reality when i think of first two months (because jokes on us, in middle of march everything turned upside down) of 2020, all I can remember is coldness in the city and people around me. n o t a l l o f t h e m, but no surprise why in the place and time I am now, nothing makes me want to go back to where I was a year ago. oh, oh, FEBRUARY!! you were a dreamy month. we did go for croissants and cafe to Paris! woke up early enough to avoid traffics, packed our hummus bread, took the warm scarfs and jumped into the car. what a lovely and lively memory this trip has drew it's footprint. The impression is still so lively in me – just by coincidence, without knowing the opening hours, we passed by the opera house. We were lucky enough to get in and catch the magical air and atmosphere this building holds – never have I ever felt in this way in a b u I l d I n g. there were tears in my eyes, realizing on what stage I stand, looking at the ceiling that’s covering those passionately lived dreams in the hall. For a second I richly felt what I t could mean one day. See, after 5 years of writing those letters every year, there is this one thing I keep coming back to – if we listen to our hearts and t r u s t the journey, it does eventually bring us where we were meant to be. It puts us around the people we can’t imagine our lives without, it challenges us with adventures (some might call them difficulties) which are helping us to grow as an individual. It does sound little silly now when I write, but – in February the environment where I was, did make me question a l o t if I want to continue what I have started. The trick was that it was n o t about me. It was about them. But while you are going through something and literally taking day by day (because it seems like the only option to get through a day, a week), it’s little difficult to zoom out the picture to look at it from above. The short getaway to Paris, with laughter, hummus bread and on top of everything – the dreamy hours in opera house seemed like a comforting, loving and embracing hug from the higher understanding, as it would promise that it will all be fine (oh, how fine it will be, back then you had no idea!!). may one never ever lose his inner voice, the one that a l w a y s knows, and actually is telling us the truth at all times. We simply forget to listen, we think we know better (otherwise what my brain and mind is there for?). that being said, I want to remind you, whenever you are reading this – you always come back to the gut feeling. A l w a y s. a a l l w w a a y y s s. okay, do let yourself to listen to your mind from time to time, but don’t ever forget that for the answers, you must look silently and deeply inside of you. And once you’ve heard what needed to be said, you can start thinking and finding the best possible way to experience it.

2020 was supposed to be  t h e year, there were many adventurous things planned in my planner that now, looking back at it, of course it awakens tiny bitterness of realizing how things could have been way different. Yet. Probably (hopefully) this was the year which gave all of us the opportunity to simply sit back and look at our reality from a side. Zoom out the picture. Look at it from above. Rethink, recharge, re-re-restart if needed. Perhaps the only trip we had the chance to take was with destination “to yourself”. Mine has been with it’s ups and downs, but I remember it with cheerfulness.

I came to this town on a rainy Tuesday of March. Left my previous home with inner feeling that six months later most likely I will live here. I did not have the explanation, I simply knew. I am a traveler in heart, but this place for the very first time in my life truly feels like h o m e. I am surrounded by people I enjoy being with, I feel the pulsation of the town which often times resonates with my heart beat, I have the dogs and horses in the park.. okay, but the most important – I feel motivated, satisfied and joyful whenever I think of my reality today. There is no other place I wish I was today. It’s the second time when I did not go to my family for Christmas period. The difference from the first time was that – I was not feeling any kind of sadness of not being there with them. I know I will go there whenever the world is little bit more silent than it is at the moment, and we will celebrate Christmas maybe when there are the spring flowers outside the window. This place and journey I have lived through has taught me the patience. And the acceptance. Amor fati. Do you still know what I am talking about also a year later? Because if there is one thing I wish for you and anyone a year and seven years later is exactly this idea. At the moment it seems like I have been living through this prism for quite some time now and I wish to continue and embrace it even more fully, now with the realization what it actually means and that such thing exists. However I won’t talk about it for too long – just to see if a year later you still stick with this phrase.

I don’t feel how 2020 has been..bad. yes, many things took way different paths from the ones we desired to see, but it has led me to many wonderful experiences and life changing moments. I said many. when I think of this word, I find myself thinking of the opposite - it’s not the amount of events; it’s how meaningful they’ve been and still are. and in the scale of good and bad (if there is such strong division?), they fully comprehend what didn’t work out as I thought it would in a way that the joyful experiences simply take over anything else. (I won’t call names, but those two friendships that were born this year are still there in 2021 (and 2,3,4,5,6…), right? Nothing makes me worried to think that those two strong connections might have disappeared, just wondering) okay, about the experiences - indeed, it might be my attitude and mindset towards it. but if there’s one thing I’ve kept coming back throughout the year(s) is that our lives depend on our attitude towards the reality. I can not choose the emotion that I feel, but my attitude and action towards it is completely up to me. it takes lifetime to master and I’m sure one never fulfills the complete guidance of his emotions - one can only become more aware of himself. that’s the beauty of it. that never ending becoming. b e c o m I n g. I know every year I think of this word as it’s one of my truths that remains quite unchanged throughout the time. what else we are here for, if not to become what we want, dream, remember and were meant to be? isn’t that a dreamful idea? That you can simply be a n y t h I n g you want. And the only person who is bringing you there (or stopping you) is you. It really is. Yes, you do need people around you and you need to experience life, which is not fully possible in four walls of your living room, yet – even in those 4 walls, instead of scrolling down another useless information, you can read books. Listen to recordings of great minds and masterful voices. Watch movies which can widen up your horizon. You can paint, write, sing, read, dig into being and create that little life of yours. It is entirely up to you what you do with the time that’s given. It’s entirely up to you how you experience and look at what’s going on in your life. The choice is always yours. I believe that’s the greatest lesson I will take with me from previous 365 days – realizing how important it is to decide something f o r and b y myself. I must be satisfied and joyful with and in myself, only then I can be a functioning figure in other lives – a supportive daughter, friend, citizen, wife, society member. Only then I have something to bring to the table. Only then there is actually the point of living – knowing that I am doing the best to my abilities to be what I dreamt to be. It requires patience, time, mindfulness, it requires passion, sorrow, joy. It requires my permission to f e e l the pulsation of my heart, which stands as a reminder for me that I am alive (and that I better do something with this fact).

To f e e l, to l o v e, to l a u g h, to c r y, to be accepting, kind, modest, generous. To listen, to sing (oh God, to sing!), to talk, to live to b e  a l I v e to embrace joy and give yourself the permission on taking an action. Whether it means jumping into unknown or walk away from anything that no longer serves you. To give others the space and time to be whoever they are – then you will see with whom you want to spend your days and give the time to. To take the time for yourself – by coffee and book, by astonishing performance, by reaching the top of the mountain or a day in pajamas. To live in contrasts, to be a collector of emotions, to let yourself to l I v e in acceptance.

2 0 2 1, huh?