#u dont want to see something ure just lonely and sad and want validation thru notes

[metukika]

number one pet peeve is when someone posts something that is obviously just to grab ppls attention and for them to rt/rb without just being open about it 

[bitchpaw]

well heres a vent post cus im socially inept and dont wanna talk to anybody right now

im sad. i spend all day doiong nothing at all in my room. i just swing between been so disappointed and bored and being angry and sad. all day i just aimlessly watch youtube or eat chocolate or something. i get pissed off constantly bc my current special interest has exactly 2 communities and i despise everyone in there. interacting w them and making my ocs for that gorup just make me feel dirty cus theyre all bigots, and i try to talk about  it btu whats the point. none of my actual friends would like it and i get bored doing it on my own. then i feel guilty for even being there and anxiety cus idk what to do, if i should leave and be lonely or stay and get validation from my art from ppl who are gross anyway. i feel so fake and like everyone would hate me if they knew me. id ont fit in anywhere, nobody knows the real me. i keep everything to muself cus i dont wanna get ostracized and get sad when i build superficial relationships w people i dont even like, who wouldnt even like me either if they knew the real me. tahts what it feels like. my parents say im paranoid.  ireally need to see a therapist, but i cant. cus the uk gov just keeps killing the mental health industry, stealing all its money for fucking embezzling or god knows what. ive been on the waiting list as urgent for years. im struggling with my hygiene again. i cant sleep. my physical health is failing , i sit down all day and i know its fucking with my heart eventually and getting blood clots in my legs. my teeth are probably rotting, im trying to do proper dental care but its so hard. im just so tired and apathetic. ive been depreseed since i was 10, maybe even before.  iused to only shower once and week and i dont wanna go back to that but i have zero energy. idk when i last showevered. ive been meaning to go walk my dog for like 4 days and i still havent been able to get the energy. i never talk to anyone properly, i dont feel like i have any friends that dont hate me or are accessible. my paranoia gets worse every day, i feel unsage in my own room, always being watched. to a delusional degree. im losing my apetite. its too warm to go outside so i just feel like shti. as usual my skin looks awful but thats never going to change i geuss. i need to cut my hair. dysphoria. etc. i still havent confronted my past trauma.  i spend all day, for years now, terrified my abuser is going to idfk ruin my life somehow. even  tho i know theyre a sad sack of shit and probably cant do anything. im just so scared of being ridiculed and alone. which is bc of like 3 layers of different traumas and paranoia. i told my psych i wanna go at my problems from a trauma perspective cus treat the source not the symptom, etyc, but she probably didnt take me seriously/. nobody thinks im actually traumatized except my mom and shes emotionally nonexistant and has her own shit to deal with. like a lot. i just dont know what to do. i want to go back and re do my life. ineed to stop thinknig someone is just going to save me thru therapy or something i guess, but i  dont have any discipline or energy or initiative to try and help myeslf a tthis point. i have no hope for the future. etc. im so empty and feel so little actual emotion or empathy or shit i feel like a psychopath most of the time. i no longer have any self esteem or bravery to stand up to bullshit or people belittling me, even my ‘friends’, i feel like such a fucking mouse. i wish i was a child again cus i used to be actually forthright,  iwas motivated, talented. i still feel like a child. theres more but i dont see the point in adding to this. ur a champ if u actually read this far, jesus