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allfortzu · 2 months

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our love is a ghost

-- sana / tzuyu. 2.3k - angst, unhappy ending. tiniest bit of smut // MEN DNI

tzuyu still looks like someone sana could fall in love with.

when sana woke up without tzuyu by her side, she did not cry.

while she was asleep, tzuyu took everything that was hers and left everything that they shared, just like she'd promised.

it would be easier for her to leave without sana seeing, sana had told her the day before, so she followed sana's words to a fault.

perhaps sana wasn't taking it as seriously then — tzuyu was still kissing her and loving her, and holding her until she fell asleep. perhaps sana had thought tzuyu would still come home.

so when sana woke up without tzuyu by her side, she did not cry.

sana sees tzuyu again at a party after a year of trying to forget her.

sana doesn't try to hide it. she doesn't stop staring at tzuyu over the rim of her solo cup, doesn't stop letting it simmer.

whenever tzuyu glances over, sana knows she is ignored, not unnoticed.

tzuyu hasn't changed. she still has a dimple in her left cheek and a tiny tug in her upper lip when she grins. sana recognises her laugh. her hair is darker, shorter; a style sana has always liked but never got a chance to experience until now. she still pretends she doesn't see sana like sana sees her. she still looks like someone sana could fall in love with.

sana only breaks out of her thoughts when people start cheering. she shifts her attention to the bottle on the floor, glass neck pointed towards her.

tzuyu doesn't cheer as loudly, which only entices sana more. what game were they playing, anyway?

“have fun in there!” nayeon drawls.

right, seven minutes in heaven.

beside her, dahyun stands up. her feet shift as she waits for sana, patient and polite, and after the nth wolf whistle from chaeyoung, sana finally understands. she stands up, and tzuyu's eyes follow her for once.

sana puts on a charming smile and takes dahyun's hand. “let's go have fun.”

the closet nayeon has allocated for their little rendezvous is less than appealing, barely exciting. it's her storage closet, and the only spot big enough to fit two people is the one next to the vacuum cleaner. sana wonders for a second how nayeon and mina did anything in here, then remembers how touchy they can get when drunk (nayeon, namely) and decides not to think about it anymore.

dahyun is frozen in place even as sana tugs her down to sit. there's just enough space for them to face each other, though they have to fold their legs.

“we don't have to do anything, you know?” sana says, tilting her head sideways for reassurance. “it's a game for drunk people and we're not drunk.”

dahyun visibly lets herself breathe again. “thank god.” sana doesn't know if she should be flattered or not. “not that i don't want to kiss you, but you're dating tzuyu, so.”

ah, definitely not flattered. but she can't put her tongue on what else she feels either. bitter, maybe. dahyun was the only one who knew, anyway, since tzuyu never had the guts to tell anyone else.

that, sana was sure, was shame.

“oh,” sana says. “we’re not…” her stomach churns at the thought. she's never had to say it out loud before, so the reality of it weighs ever more heavily when she does. “we’re not dating anymore.”

“oh,” dahyun echoes. she visibly stops breathing again. sana laughs so it stings less. “sorry.”

“don't be,” sana says. “it would've happened sooner or later.”

“can i ask what happened?”

sana debates telling dahyun everything, but decides against it for tzuyu’s sake. she was bitter, not cruel. but she is spiteful enough to spit, “i don't know, but if you ask tzuyu, she’ll tell you nothing happened.”

dahyun stays quiet after that, never one to push. she's very much like tzuyu in that sense — always cautious, deeply careful with her words, but respecting silence all the same.

dahyun reminds sana of tzuyu a lot. maybe she doesn't have the same dimples or laugh, but her grin is just as bright and hair just as dark, and if sana closes her eyes and tries, it could almost feel like she's talking to tzuyu again.

once sana runs out of things to distract herself with in the storeroom, she hefts herself up.

“i think it's been seven minutes,” she announces. she offers dahyun a hand, one that is gladly accepted, then presses a kiss to dahyun's cheek — only long enough for her lipstick to leave a mark. “just in case they push us back in here for not doing it properly.”

dahyun's cheeks heat to a bright red immediately and sana thinks she's terribly cute for it. if she didn't seem so repulsed by the idea of kissing a friend in a closet, and if sana did actually feel like getting laid tonight, she probably would've kissed her properly. too bad.

at the sight of dahyun's flushed face, their group cheers.

sana is only looking at tzuyu, though, and when dahyun flashes the stain sana left above her jaw, she expects something, anything — but tzuyu hoots and hollers along like a friend would so sana looks away.

the rest of their game is less exciting than its name. if heaven is taking shots for seven minutes as they wait for the next pair to be done with whatever they decide to do in that dusty closet, hell must truly be torture.

it eventually — thankfully — comes to a close when nayeon inevitably passes out on mina's lap, and everyone else is drunk enough to settle down on whatever soft surface they can find to take a nap: nayeon’s room, momo's room, kookeu's bed, even.

anyone who is still somewhat sober gets the unfortunate job of cleaning up the mess of soju bottles and takeout boxes strewn about the living room, so sana escapes to the balcony.

she lights a cigarette and takes a deep breath before taking the butt between her lips. she's three draws in before the door behind her slides open, then closes again.

“sana.”

sana stubs out her cigarette once she hears the voice.

force of habit, as much as she hates.

“you're smoking?”

tzuyu joins her by the railing. sana wants to make a beeline for the door, wants to run away, wants to gauge her eyes out before she has to see tzuyu this close to her again.

“no,” she manages. “only when i've drunk.”

“that's still smoking.”

sana snaps. “so what?”

“… sorry.”

the heat and smoke from the cigarette has dissipated but sana's head is still hot. “what are you doing here, tzu?”

sana realises she might have a few unresolved matters knawing at her heart when the name slips out. she clenches her jaw, bites her tongue, and pushes past it.

“we haven't spoken in a while.”

sana shrugs the chilliness from her shoulders. “what is there to talk about?”

“i know we're not together anymore, but i still miss talking to you, you know?”

sana wants to laugh — sana wishes she could laugh. sana wishes she could turn around and pretend she doesn't see tzuyu the way she does.

“okay. what do you want to talk about?”

for the first time that day, tzuyu is honest. “did you… are you and dahyun a thing now?” rips the bandage right off, really. it stings disgustingly.

sana bows her head and throws her half-smoked cigarette off the balcony. she glances over. tzuyu is already looking at her.

“what, are you jealous?”

“no. i was just…” tzuyu trails off. sana recognises the way her brows furrow slightly, remembers how it only took her two weeks to notice it was simply what tzuyu looked like when she was trying to find her words. “i was just hoping that you had moved on.”

from here, sana is reminded of how genuine tzuyu is; how unknowingly cruel tzuyu is. how she dreads it.

she grabs tzuyu by the collar of her t-shirt, rough enough to startle herself with it even, but she goes through with the motion until tzuyu is dragged low enough to face sana at her height, mouth agape.

“you can't fucking say that,” sana spits, but then her breath catches suddenly. “you can't say that… like you have any right to care, or that you think i'd want you to care!”

tzuyu doesn't try to loosen her grip. she holds on to sana's wrist, and she — she listens. she looks at sana, she looks at sana like she does care. she hasn't changed at all, she's still the same person sana fell in love with, so sana cries.

“i haven't moved on, tzuyu,” she sobs out, chest tightening until she's begging for breath, until her ribs seem to shatter and every broken piece pierces and punctures and pelts. “because — because you promised —” and the tears that she didn't know were welling up are starting to spill now, and she thinks its pathetic; it's so pathetic that she's here and that she's crying and that she's talking and that it only took one sentence from tzuyu. she wants tzuyu to talk, too. “you know what you promised.”

then she lets go. she snatches her hand back and she crouches down before she digs her face into her palms. she hopes tzuyu leaves.

she knows if she looks up, tzuyu will be crying too. and she knows tzuyu won't leave.

“sorry,” she hears her whisper.

she feels her kneeling down too, and she wonders where tzuyu gets the courage to put her hands on her wrists again, prying gently, but only because sana lets her.

her next words come slowly, carefully, in the voice sana recognises and loves.

“you know i still love you.”

“fuck, tzuyu,” sana croaks. “why are you telling me that?”

“because i do. but — not in that way, sana. not in the way you want — in the way you deserve, sana.”

sana wishes tzuyu would shut up. sana wishes tzuyu isn't tzuyu. sana wishes tzuyu doesn't know better, and she wishes tzuyu isn't the same tzuyu who knows they're wasting time and who sana could fall in love with again despite it all.

“i want you to be happy. and i don't think you would've been happy with me.”

sometimes, it feels like tzuyu knows her terrifyingly well. sometimes, it feels like tzuyu has never known her at all.

tzuyu still has a dimple in her left cheek and a tiny tug in her upper lip whenever she grins. tzuyu still speaks slowly, carefully, and there was a time when everything she said was law — in sana's eyes, at least.

right now, on this balcony, happiness is neither here nor there. sana wonders how one person could be everything she loves and hates at once.

“can you kiss me?” sana asks. to remind herself, maybe, of which is which.

her eyes burn and her cheeks hurt, but tzuyu is here and she can't bear not knowing her answer.

tzuyu's brows furrow lightly, so sana takes her temples in her tear stained palms and presses her lips into tzuyu's herself.

sana closes her fingers into tzuyu's hair, deathly afraid of a pull she knows will soon come.

all at once, her heart bursts and her lungs collapse in her chest. tzuyu feels the same, tastes the same. she kisses sana just the way sana likes and it's both warming and painful to know that she still remembers.

sana is still in love, sana is still in love.

she could say it, she wants to say it, but tzuyu is kissing her, and if sana let's go, she might never get to kiss tzuyu again.

tzuyu’s cheeks are wet, or maybe just sana’s.

she kisses tzuyu until tzuyu falls back to the ground; falls back into a rhythm sana can't possibly be more familiar with, one where she's in tzuyu's lap and tzuyu's holding her like a lover would.

if there's one thing she knows how to do — she knows it the way tzuyu wants it, knows tzuyu perfectly; so perfectly it scares her how she might never know someone else like this again, how she has to forget for the sake of the both of them, or for herself.

but for now, she remembers, so she brushes her thumb, almost instinctively, definitely knowingly, beneath tzuyu's ear and hears the tell-tale gasp ghosting over her lips, more surpressed than any other time but made nonetheless, felt nonetheless.

“are you seeing anyone?” there's some sense still left in her.

“no,” tzuyu bates. “why… are you asking?”

“i still want you,” shameless, desperate. so pathetic, yet she still says: “is that bad?”

“i...”

sana has never been above begging, not when it came to tzuyu, really. “it doesn't have to mean anything,” she swallows the lump suffocating her throat and searches tzuyu's eyes. “i just miss you.”

tzuyu holds her gaze, silent, mulling her next words over. for a second, sana thinks she might miss her too, because she's always known tzuyu perfectly.

but then tzuyu looks away, and she wipes at wet cheeks stained with tears that aren't her own.

“i don't… i don't like how you taste after you smoke.”

sana's fingers slip from their hold.

tzuyu shifts from under her first and nudges sana off. she does it so gently it's almost cruel. sana lets her.

“would it matter if i stopped?”

sana knows the answer. she hasn't picked up a cigarette once since the day she met tzuyu, not until now.

yet, tzuyu says, “you know it's not about that.” and somehow this breaks sana's heart even more.

before tzuyu leaves, halfway to the door, sana, from her spot by the railing, tries one last time, “i'm sorry,” to save whatever is left, maybe. “let's forget about this.”

tzuyu looks back at her, and there are words on her tongue, sana can tell, from the way she purses her lips and hesitates to think thoroughly. then her eyes soften, she smiles her lovely smile, and she says what no one else but the tzuyu sana would fall in love with would say.

“i would if you could, sana.”

tzuyu leaves. sana closes her eyes and tries not to cry.

i am far from satisfied with this, but it had to leave my drafts immediately because i was going mad. angst makes me so so sad, i promise the next fic will be a happy one 🥹 @nr1chaedickrider had been asking for an angsty satzu fic for the longest time, and another anon had been asking for anything satzu since LAST YEAR..,,,, i hope this was somewhat readable,, sorry for the irregular activity lately, i'll try my best to get back into the groove!

of course, thank you for reading, always. this one was hard, definitely not perfect, but you've all been so patient. i hope it was alright!

#twice imagines #sana x tzuyu #twice angst #minatozaki sana #chou tzuyu #satzu #title: hard feelings by lorde #NO backstory written here id lose my mind #sorry my first fic after tzulo announcement is angst 😢😢 it wasnt on purpose 💔#can you tell im srs running out of satzu pics

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