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[atrophiedemotion]

okay doc *lies down on the therapy couch* tell me about aspd Ivan

(you don’t have to obviously I’m just curious)(love you)

hello valued patient, i will very gladly tell you about aspd ivan. (love you too tysm for the question)

before i start this i just want to add a disclaimer that i do not have aspd. if anyone with aspd says i'm wrong on this definitely believe them before me, this is just a personal headcanon. (i have discussed this with a friend w aspd who agrees with me and im in a similar wheelhouse to aspd, so i have a good amount of knowledge due to that and a lot of research, which is where the headcanon stems from)

okay, so to fully speak about how and why i see ivan with aspd i'm going to also mention the other pd i headcanon ivan with because i want to fully express my perception of him. i personally interpret ivan as having an aspd/npd combination (aspd im more sure of). i see aspd as something ivan was born with a predisposition for (reduced gray matter in the brain, less MAO-A, etc) that got solidified in his very early childhood growing up in the slums and going through the whole 'hung off the top of a building and threatened with death if he didn't make the cut' thing. genetics and trauma, the usual causes. npd is something i imagine him developing later on in life ofc, slowly over time. his chosen survival method being creating a fake persona others admire and his nonexistent self worth & horrible self loathing lead to him developing it (kind of as a subconscious coping mechanism).

okay, with that out of the way, why do i think ivan has aspd?

well. there are a lot of reasons. for one, vivinos and qmeng themselves say that ivan doesn't experience emotions in the same way others do, that he has a 'twisted' personality, he manipulated others to 'play with their feelings', that there was 'something off' about him, etc. while the way these are worded are a little,, derogatory,, it's all very important to ivan's character.

ivan's emotions are muted and dulled compared to others', he literally physically cannot experience them in the same way neurotypicals (in terms of pds) can. from that and other examples in alnst (setting up the wagyein incident w mizi & till, his reaction to his win in r3, his lack of care when it comes to lying & manipulation, etc) it can be pretty safely assumed that ivan doesn't really experience empathy. that's why he learns from other's visible emotions and mirrors them, because he doesn't feel them and instead adopts other people's reactions so he can react/act accordingly/'normally' (specifying here that not having empathy does not mean someone cannot feel sympathy or care about anyone. empathy is being able to feel/pick up on someone else's emotions it does NOT mean someone is uncaring okay thanks moving on).

ivan's tendency to manipulate and lie isn't really explicitly shown much in alnst but the implications are there and very telling imo. before i get into this i want to also specify that 'manipulate' is not the big scary evil word most people think it is and literally everyone does it. to manipulate is to try to have control over a situation, to influence someone/something to get your ideal outcome/get your needs met. many people with cluster b pds learn to manipulate from a young age as a survival mechanism because it is the only way to get the things they need. in ivan's case, his entire fake persona for the aliens and his placations and straight up lying to his peers/teachers/fans etc about his feelings and personality is all manipulation to paint himself in a more favorable light so he has a higher chance of survival. i also wouldn't put it past him to casually manipulate other students at anakt when he was younger so he could learn/observe more things (which was shown with the wagyein incident but i imagine that wasn't the only occasion). i've talked about ivan using subterfuge and disguising his actual intentions behind his odd behaviors which, yk, is manipulation.

when it comes to violence, ivan really doesn't seem to be outwardly violent unless provoked, but when he is he's uncaring about the pain he's causing the other (till lmao) and more focused on what he gets out of the exchange (till's attention & expressions and, imo, a physical stress release). i wasn't sure i was going to bring it up bc i wasn't going to get into the whole pwaspd are violent thing (i dont think it's true for everyone. thoughts and urges are different than actions) but i wanted to talk about ivan's lack of awareness when it comes to it. he impulsively fights back, doesn't pull his punches, and revels in it.

there's also his apparent lack of remorse for his actions (stepping on the flower crown, fighting till, leading mizi and till into danger, all that) and impulsivity when he's not masking (though i consider ivan to be a more calculating individual, a lot of his interactions with till show him doing things impulsively). his difficulty in forming intimate emotional connections with others, his lack of self worth and general lack of care for his own wellbeing, his fatalistic world view.

all of these are symptoms of aspd. im not going to pull out the dsm-5 (ew) because i hate the way it words things (love stigma against mentally ill folks), but all of the things i talked about go along with aspd, which is why i personally think ivan has it. a genetic predisposition, a fuckton of trauma in early childhood (qmeng refers to his time in the slums as a 'dark past') and onward through anakt and beyond, and his lack of emotional understanding. all of it lends itself to aspd. i think this adds a whole new level of understanding to ivan and his reasons for things and just. why he is the way he is. and figuring this out for myself made me love ivan all the more. all of the alnst characters are just traumatized kids who never learned how to live and be human and ivan having an even different baseline than most others put him even more at a disadvantage.

i just want to, like. give this guy therapy or at least make sure he knows that it’s not his fault that his mind works the way it does and there’s nothing wrong with it. and with that, i shall end it here LMAO. tysm rock for the ask ik i asked if you were okay with an essay but this is longer than i anticipated skxjsn i hope you liked it!! and if anyone has any other questions about aspd or npd ivan lmk personality disorders are one of my special interests i love talking about this stuff ajxnsn

[cupidsdescendant]

Can you do headcannons/a fic of one of the tf2 mercs (any side) with an emo/rock obsessed s/o? (Can be gn or fem) PLEASE AND TYYY I LOVE YOUR WORKS

hey anon! of course I can do that for you <3 thank you so much for asking :33. I chose RED Scout for this one, and I hope you enjoy it!!!

The song I chose is "Rotten Apples" by Alice in Chains. one of the best songs I've ever heard, feel free to listen to it while reading!!!

(Ik this is more grunge ;w; but I couldn’t help myself. I’ll be making a proper “emo” headcanon soon <3)

----ROCK ON! - RED! Scout x G/N Y/N----

The New Mexico sunset beamed down on Y/N as they shuffled through their pockets. Inside was an original SONY Walkman, complete with foam-padded headphones. Unbuttoning the pocket at the end of their cargo pants, they pulled out a cassette. They hesitated momentarily, letting the items sit in their lap as they looked into the warm sunset.

It was a long day. Felt even longer with the inclusion of a blazing sky that pierced through their skin. The mercenaries had worked themselves to exhaustion once again, leaving them worn out. All of them scurried back to base to celebrate with a good drink-off, leaving Y/N alone outside.

A lush gradient of purples, reds, oranges, and yellows is painted on the once-blue sky. Everything the sun touched glowed with the same hue. From the cacti scattered across the sand to the lizards that scampered for shelter. It was beautiful, a sight to behold.

The sun hung on by a thread as the moon crept from the bottom, its setting confirmed the end of a long day. Y/N arched their back and sat up, tilting their head upwards as they took a deep breath in, their lungs filled with the hot air. 5 seconds in, 5 out.

They doused in this moment of isolation, being the most alleviation they had all day. A bright smile curled on their face as they fidgeted with their walkman, putting the tap directly inside. It was a black tape that had a red inlining. The production labels on the right, the credits at the bottom, and at the top in the text,

"ALICE IN CHAINS"

"JAR OF FLIES"

They clicked the play button eagerly, and the tape began to spin in rhythmic circles. An atmospheric guitar wafted through their ears, its gentle notes enveloping a whirlwind of emotions, wrapping around Y/N. With each strum, their needs and worries began to unravel, melting away into the background as the melodies took over. Emotions stirred within them, Layne Staley's hauntingly beautiful vocals rung with each lyric.

"Ignorance is spoken Hey ah na na, spoken

Confidence is broken Hey ah na na broken

Sustenance is stolen Hey ah na na, stolen...”

Pure ecstasy rushed over their tiresome body, Y/N rocked back and forth with the vocals, more and more lost in an emotion hard to provoke.

"What I see is unreal I've written my own part,”

"Eat of the apple, so young I'm crawling back to start”

Though without warning, a small tap shook Y/N out their trance. They hurried to take their headphones off, their ears still adjusting to the outside noises.

It was almost as if he spawned out of nowhere, a cumbersome Scout awkwardly smiling from behind. His hands wedged into his pockets, his shoulders tense. “Hey ah…got room for one more?”

The sky was already on the cusp of nightfall once Y/N looked forward, turning back to face him. “Uhm, yeah, sure.”

Though the invitation was accepted, it didn’t cease the slight disruption of Y/N’s alone time. They knew it wasn’t “that big of a deal”, but it was something to savor. Fidgeting with the rewind button, barely pushing it down enough to do its job, Y/N stared down Scout. His hands fidgeting the sand and rocks on the floor. “Long day, huh.”

“Oh yeah, for sure.”

“…”

“Whatchu listenin’ to?” He scoffed, easing back into his cocky personality. “Betta be something good.”

“It’s uh…” They popped the cassette out and turned it to face Scout. “Alice in Chains…?” Slight hesitation slipping out their voice.

“No way!” He blurted, slapping his knee. He rushed closer by Y/N, their knees in contact with one another. “Yo I love Alice! Which album?” A quick swat snatched the cassette out of Y/N’s hand. “aha, Jar of flies? Good one!” He started fiddling around with the rigids on the corners, admiring it like a piece of treasure.

“Excuse me-!” Y/N called out, snatching the tape back. Their eyes squinted with furrowed eyebrows. Annoyance was painted on their face. “It’s not very kind to take things out of people’s hands without permission.” following up with a scoff. “And yeah…jar of flies…”

"You care to..." Scout leans over and taps on the plastic glass of the case. "Ya'know, play it?"

"Well, there's no way we could listen to it together."

"Sure ya can, we share the headphones."

Y/N looked at him disgruntled. "no, you'd break it with your huge head.” Thereupon, Scout grabbed Y/N and howled a loud laugh. He rocked back in forth with their arm, Y/N snickering. "Ah, why don't you shut up, huh?" He exclaimed. "I oughta slug you for just saying that."

“Oh well, It’s the truth.”

It’s well past 6 now. The darkness of the night wrapping around the both of them. The stars glistened, as well their eyes, staring longingly into each other. Crickets chirped, breaking the silence. “Just try. We can make it work.” He smoothly slipped his hand on the headphones. “C’mon, get closer.”

His voice was huskier on the last line, almost flirtatious. An involuntarily smile crept up on Y/N’s face, a strong heat radiating on her cheeks. “Yeah, okay.” Their face flushing a warm, deep pink.

Scout cleared his throat. His hands expanding the headphones, stretching them as wide as they can take. The foam tickled his lobe, Y/N following behind with the right side. “By god, if you break it you’re paying.”

Now, both their skin were in contact. Their faces merely an inch away. Y/N could feel his breath, and likewise for Scout. “Is it on?”

“Sure is, doll” His firm hand gripped onto their right shoulder, pulling Y/N tightly in. It was beyond thought, their heart race spiking violently at the touching. They let out an even louder scoff, his fingertips were nearly burning through their clothes with the sheer radiation between them.

Y/N’s thumb squirmed around on the play button, their heavy breathing obvious to Scout. “Whats wrong, sugar? This to close to ya-?”

“Eh-hm…no-no it’s fine.”

Y/N clicked the play button, the same melodies playing over again. The guitar hit Scout, and he let out a sigh. “Oh man, been foreva since I heard this song- heh.” A smile peered on his face. “Cmere.” “Wh-at…?” Y/N sheepishly responded with.

“I said, Cmere.” He glanced at them, his eyes longingly looking over at Y/N. He let go of his hand and invited Y/N to hold his. They reluctantly accepted, pushing both of them down onto the floor, facing the galaxy that watched back.

The canvas of the sky was now painted with deep purples and blues, the starts twinkling in site. Some stars shined brightly, their light cutting through the darkness, while others flickered in delicate bursts, like distant candles in a cosmic wind. The wind rushed between them, letting out a strong “ooooh.” Scouts hand fingered with Y/N’s hand, indicating the want for more physical contact. He tried to play it off cool, him finding it inferior to be seen so sappy, but Y/N couldn’t notice through their own anxiety and ardor.

Without noticing, the warmth of his hand wrapped around theirs. The sensation sparked something in Y/N again, choking up at the touch. The song continued to play as they watched the moon. The moon hung in the sky, a glowing, huge luminous orb that looked down on the both of them. It was the prettiest night they both of them had experience.

Scout looked at Y/N, their eyes fixed on one another.

“Best fricken night, Eva.”

[chernobylcatfish09]

I know you didn't say you wanted asks tonight, but I got some questions which you can answer(if you feel like it) [and i also just like asking you questions because you are very polite and answer all my foolish questions quite nicely :}]

What is misophonia?

You mentioned you live in the Bible Belt: Have any tips for getting through a situation like that? Specifically, if you have anything that might help someone in a strictly very Mormon household.

Does misophonia happen with cats as well, or just dogs?

How do I stay alive, and stay safe, as a trans boy?

Do you like to stargaze?

(I forgot if i asked but) What's your favorite season?

How do I make better friends? How do I cut off a friend who's being harmful to me?

(If you have siblings) Do you have any fun sibling stories?

Tell me about all the different things you make art about?

What kinds of books do you like to read? (if you are a reader)

Are you vegetarian? Or vegan? (I'm pescatarian)

Do you like zoo's? I heard you can sometimes book to stay overnight in a zoo!

Do you like mythology? If so, what kind!

What's you're favorite weather?

Are you tired of my questions? Do they annoy you or do you like them?

Could you make it as a farm-hand? (I love working on a farm)

What kinds of questions do you like to get?

I’m having a bit of trouble understand the questions, but I am happy to answer your questionnaires, they are super fun and I probably need to use my brain more, and tyyy

1. Misophonia is in short a disorder where some sounds, for example; mouth noises, chewing, licking, or dog noises, cause an irrational negative emotion

2. I unfortunately don’t have much advice, since my parents aren’t exactly the strictest, as I don’t have to attend church, but they are very much far right Christians, what I do is just follow along and agree to what they say, and just fawn, just to make them leave me alone about it, but I’m not sure how well it works for others

3. Besides licking noises from cats, I can very much stand and love to be around cats, so there’s only one noise crossover for misophonia triggers

4. Once again, I don’t know, because I am gender non conforming, and while I’m not androgynous atm, I can tend to be on the down low, and slip by just to survive. Once again, that’s just what I do personally and I know it isn’t the solution for everyone. I tend to fawn and just go along just to get out of making an even worse situation

5. Honestly, I don’t know the last time I have stargazed, but if I was with my friends I know I would love to do that

6. I would say winter, I get to wear my fave clothes (pjs, sweaters, hoodies) I love to see snow but hate to deal with ice, and I am not usually a sweaty bastard

7. I’m unsure how to make better friends irl, as I have gone to focus on myself more so, but I usually go for spaces that are about things I love or am interested in. As for cutting someone off, I think it’s better to just cold turkey and drop em like a fly, sometimes you have to be ruthless to protect yourself (granted I learned this lesson from epic the musical, it still is a good lesson)

8. I don’t have any siblings, but I have 2 cousins who are pretty much my siblings, and we used to go to a pretty awesome lake with a low water pass, we called it a low water bridge, and there was a jumping rock there, it was submerged in water but we had a shit ton of fun there

9. I usually draw my original characters and am trying to make stories for them, sometimes I draw myself but not too often, and I like drawing sort of Animal/human hybrids (usually more human looking with animal ears and tail) and I love to add details from that animal, like sneaky little details, god that’s one of my fave parts. I am not so good at backgrounds, and I need to work on that lol

10. I’m not much of a reader honestly, I prefer to listen to YouTube videos a lot, usually commentary, sometimes video essays, or if I’m in the mood for short form content, TikTok comps, but if I were to be a reader, it would probably be fantasy or horror, maybe a combo

11. I don’t have a special diet, I enjoy meat, veggies are great, love seafood even though I don’t have it too often, I do like to have some mini pretzels around me in case my stomach is a bit upset

12. I prefer Aquariums, it’s been years since I have been to a zoo, and I didn’t actually know you could book an overnight stay, that’s extremely cool

13. I adore mythology, my faves even though i don’t dig a lot into many are Greek mythology and Japanese mythology, mainly Yokai

14. Cloudy, rainy, or light storms

15. I really love these questions, honestly starting to look forward to answer them each night

16. I highly doubt I could, I’m pretty lazy, not to mention I have weak wrists, and my knee issues might get worse, in the hypothetical I would start at this age, although when I do move away, maybe they will get better, but unlikely

17. Any questions honestly, I can’t think of any questions I don’t like, well besides providing very personal info, but hell you could ask my deadname and I’d be fine with it (I think I have separated myself with my deadname to an extent, I consider my younger self to be the deadname, and the person I am now to be Norman/ Dusty)

I really do adore answering these questions it’s very fun for me, and sometimes I do have to think, which I need, I know I’m repeating but still, ✨

[addoration]

For the ask game:

💖😈🍰

tyyy suuuuun [pleading eyes] <3

heart: what do you like most about your own writing?

i guess that i like the moments that it gets a bit poetical. alliteration, repetition, that kind of stuff. i like to think im good at that!

imp/devil: is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

sdfghsdfjkhas i don't know! i would have said same as above except for the fact that i have had compliments on my writing style by commenters n friends (ty all) so i suppose... leaving many of my fics in the pre-slash area, or in the developing relationship stage, and therefore never just. finally getting two ppl together once n for all?

cake: name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn't have to be your all time fave)

hmm! im not sure if this means fave comfort fic that ive written or one by someone else, but i'll list both!

so by someone else: its actualy @matchamabs' "we've hit rock bottom and we've started to dig" because of just. the whole found family stuff!! and maybe it helps that i had a little hand in the early planning of this fic sdfghjksfd (mabs if ur reading this, i am planning on reading thru it all again, i just need life to settle down first!) like its such a treat of fantastic writing, awesome characterisations and fun exchanges between the crows, and the mystery of the plot!! the worldbuilding. the way mabs just *gets it*. chefs kiss.

a comfort fic of my own.... remains "rose quartz and cool safflina". i like the langauge i used here, the flow of words, and overall im just so pleased with it in general that unlike my other works, it doesnt cause me to cringe when i read it.

ty!! this was fun hehe

fic ask game