#ty we are obsessed with yours. words are the only art form we tend to recently.

[fleshaesthetic]

your blog is amazing and i'm obsessed with its contents, are you an artist yourself?

ty we are obsessed with yours. words are the only art form we tend to recently. thew is a good word.

[christiangaleofficial]

11/15/17

This is something I wrote in my notes about Don Hertzfeldt, emotion, and inspiration while sitting in a parking lot, a month ago if I have the date right. Usually I feel the need to make art or write out some big thing as part of a project about this stuff, but I was feeling overwhelmed and my friend Robert Tate suggested I just write about it, so I did, and it helped me. I’m not editing it at all, but I’m putting it here just so I have it somewhere where people can know this about me and know me a little more (if anyone is left on Tumblr idk I haven’t been on here in a bit). I’m sorry about the language if you’re someone I need to be sorry about the language to, but also these were just my own thoughts and I didn’t really have the intention of sharing it. Also, I’m sorry if you are Don Hertzfeldt and you are reading this because it would probably be really weird to read this about yourself, I’m not like a psycho fan, I don’t think, just scared and inspired.

Yesterday, in the midst of sitting in the Bargain Outlet parking lot in a controlled state of stress-paralysis, I discovered that Don Hertzfeldt has been keeping an online journal since 1999. I was on my computer, desperately, trying to decide once and for all whether to head home to be with my family, head north to go to Mt. Tam and Pt. Reyes, head way north to Lost Beach and the Redwoods, head east to Sacramento, or head south through Palo Alto…. toward home as well, I guess. I don’t know exactly how I ended up on Don Hertzfeldt.

I discovered his journal and I couldn’t believe how many things it did to me. He is a figure I have built up in my head to be pretty big. I have ideas about what kind of person he is, from watching his films, in kind of a cycle- I tend to do that with artists who inspire me. His films inform my idea of who he is as a person, which in turn inform my idea of his films. This was one of those amazing moments where all the sudden I had access to his actual ideas, and they exactly fit with my idea of who he is as a person, except even better, if only because they were real. I was overwhelmed by inspiration about artistic integrity and the sadness of life and tying the two together.

Somewhere in all of this, it became relevant for me to watch a 2 minute short film he made as an intro for The Simpsons. It almost made me cry.

I later tweeted a string of tweets; “every time I feel like I might cry the voice in the back of my head goes "yes! you're crying! you're not an emotionless robot look how much you're FEELING!" and then I never cry.” and then: “anyway, this most recent occasion was from watching The Simpsons Travel Into The Future Couch Gag by @donhertzfeldt, I SERIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY I haven't even watched that much Simpsons.”

And this was all true except the part where I said I SERIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHY, because I have a lot of ideas why. And it also made me think of some interesting things about how we portray ourselves on social media. I tweeted that to be funny and honest, and, I think, it was funny and honest. But it was also cute, and kind of skirting around what I actually was trying to acknowledge.

I very, very rarely cry. Maybe 5 times since starting college? Definitely no more than 10. And it makes me feel weird that I never cry, because it’s not that I’m just that chill of a person. I have very little chill, I care constantly, and about nearly everything. The reason it makes me feel weird is because I feel like I am never fully in an experience, a feeling, or a moment. I feel one thing, and then I think about why I’m feeling that, whether or not I really am, what that means, etc. I laugh and then I immediately think “was that even funny? am I even happy or having fun?” Crying, for me, means being totally overwhelmed by emotion, good or bad. I want to be totally overwhelmed by emotion, good and bad, but I rarely am. There is always the removed, disconnected, worried part of me questioning every experience, wondering why in the fuck life is even worth going through anyway.

So yeah, the tweet was funny, but that’s what I was getting at. I never cry because I am never that present in a moment. When I am for a split second, my brain thinks about it, and takes me out of fully experiencing the moment. It’s weird, but it’s how I am. In my best, and my worst, and all of my MOSTS.

Second, I could figure out why. I was reading things about how Don Hertzfeldt thinks- his random thoughts, his ideas, his dreams (literal dreams), and his integrity as an artist. How he refuses to do commercials, refuses to give almost any of his control over his own art to anyone else. The guy DISTRIBUTES his own work. That’s crazy. And to see that, and then see this crazy fucked up Simpsons short, and see how it actually had the power to move me in the span of about 30 seconds, and it actually implied some pretty deep shit, and aired on national television, made me proud, and encouraged, and yeah, pretty emotional. And on top of that, the short just moved me. It was an actually beautiful depiction of society devolved, implying a winking, dark joke about the show, with a beautiful segment remembering the actual connections they used to have- ending with, again, a winking dark joke. In 2 minutes. Later I found his journal entry about it, and he had almost no input or editing from the Simpsons- they just let him do what he wanted, and that’s what he did, and it’s amazing to me. It moved me, and the fact that he made it moved me, and it made me want to cry. I watched it some more times and it held.

Today, I continued reading his journal, and and AMA he did, and other Hertzfeldt things, and I am overwhelmingly inspired. I can’t believe that his thoughts imply all the things I hoped about him as an artist, and I can’t believe he, who is semi-notoriously removed from the pop culture/interview/etc world, has given us access to his real life and thoughts like this.

I found out that he isn’t really into animation or cartoons besides the fact that that’s what he literally spends his whole life making. They were just the form that was best to convey his stories and interests and the way he felt most comfortable working.

I can’t say how huge that is- I have already written before that he serves as a symbol to me of making art on your own terms- that he has made me worry less about meeting industry standards, curating the exact set of tools I’m supposed to, and instead has just made me want to focus on getting good. And I worry a lot about art in the physical, drawing sense, being my main set of tools to communicate with. I worry because this is not the kind of art that has most frequently or greatly impacted me. Movies and music, and sometimes books, and the words contained in all three are what mean the most to me- what I feel drawn to, fill my thoughts with, and to an extent, build my life around. I worry that I am being lazy or safe in pursuing art, that I am just doing it because I know I am semi good at it, that I will never fulfill my potential because I’m not trying to. That I don’t really have anything to say with artwork in that medium. and that i just use it to mask my words and make me less embarrassed about them, legitimize them. But drawing is what feels comfortable to me, what I know how to do, and gives me total control of what I’m doing. (I think that’s some of the draw for Don as well, he is branching out now, but traditionally has retained total control over his work by working in this medium). So to see one of my biggest inspirations working in a medium he isn’t necessarily most impacted or obsessed with, but because it’s what he feels drawn to, someone who has already inspired me to be like that without knowing that’s how he is- that’s a pretty big deal.

The other thing that has stood out to me is how humble his lifestyle and opinion of his own work is. He obviously is proud of it, but doesn’t think he’s great, and even if he does, seems to refuse to actively think it. I think for a long time I’ve expected to eventually transform into the pure-art-version of myself, for my ideas to all the sudden be all amazing and inspired and exist on a higher level than my fellow people, like I like to think some of my other heroes do. And I think reading his journals is helping to remind me that that is not how this works, and encourage me that is okay. It’s kind of awesome, actually, to think that I could do work now in my not nearly “ready” state that could mean something to people- I don’t have to get to a certain spot first. It’s just working, and sometimes the work works and sometimes it doesn’t but it’s just working and you have to believe in why you’re doing it, but that’s it. You don’t unlock some magic ability. And traditionally that has been terrifying to me, but somehow it’s starting to feel encouraging instead? Similarly to how It’s Such A Beautiful Day shifted from a terrifying, yet awe-inspiring piece of art in my life to an encouraging yet awe-inspiring film. It’s crazy to see my perspective shift in places that I formerly thought I, or life, had to. But it was actually just the way I was looking at things.

Anyway, I feel that I might end up owing a lot to Don Hertzfeldt. I am so happy he is out there and making art, and encouraged by his mind and the way he uses it. If I could follow in his footsteps even a little I will be happy.

Also, his work ethic is like a million times better than mine, so I better get the fuck to it.

(Here is a link to the couch gag if you are interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m78gYyTrG7Y)