#twoaf ep 5

[zrtranscripts]

The Way of All Flesh, Episode 5

In this episode: There's been a second murder, and everyone left alive in the house is under suspicion. What was the meaning of the victim's final words, which were caught on tape? And why has one member of the group disappeared? The truth lies buried in the past; but in the zombie apocalypse, what's dead will never stay underground for long.

JODY MARSH: Should we change that message now? Like, "there have been two murders and we're still no closer to knowing who did it"?

CHRIS MCSHELL: I wouldn't say that. There have been some very interesting clues.

JODY MARSH: How are you so calm, Chris? Callum's dead. Rose is dead. Someone strangled her in the night with chandelier wire! We've all heard the recording now. When everyone was asleep, someone let themselves into Rose's room and killed her!

CHRIS MCSHELL: Yes, and she let them. We heard that on the recording. As if she knew why it was happening, as if it was some kind of justice. She knows what it's like to take the blame for something...

JODY MARSH: You think the murderer took the blame for something they didn't do?

CHRIS MCSHELL: It's interesting, isn't it?

JODY MARSH: I think Rose would feel close to someone who took the blame for someone else, after what she did.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Perceptive as usual. I notice you did broadcast that thing we said we wouldn't broadcast.

JODY MARSH: ... it was a mistake.

CHRIS MCSHELL: If only I were able to see, I might have stopped your finger from slipping. Let's find the others, see how the zombies are. You never know. Maybe they all wandered off overnight.

JODY MARSH: You're funny.

[zombies groan]

MANISHA: What a noise to wake up to.

JODY MARSH: Is everyone awake? Me, Manisha, Sheila, Chris, Keith, Geri, and... where's the Prof?

GERI: Oh, he was poking around in the basement last night. He's probably asleep.

JODY MARSH: I miss Rose. She'd say something grim like, "Ah, the sleep that mirrors death." I liked that.

GERI: Yeah. Also, the killer struck again, so we're all in danger, aren't we? Any of us could be next.

SHEILA: And there are more zombies.

JODY MARSH: Sometimes it goes like that. The horde grows and just attracts more and more and more.

CHRIS MCSHELL: We should search the house again, and record what we find. Could be some weapons or a panic room.

GERI: Or some cyanide capsules! Oh, okay. Okay, let's explore. Again.

[recorder fast forwards]

[door opens]

MANISHA: Oh good, a zombie viewing platform. [laughs] I mean, conservatory. Well, at least we're high up so they're not battering on the glass. Yet.

KEITH: That's weird... an upstairs conservatory. Now wait, what are we on top of?

MANISHA: The ground floor, obviously.

KEITH: Well, yeah, but there isn't a room under here on the ground floor, is there?

MANISHA: What?

KEITH: Well, we just came through the music room. Now, that's on top of the kitchen. And we should be on top of the cold store on the ground floor – you know, the room Callum's in. Don't look at me like that, Manisha. I have very high spatial reasoning skills.

MANISHA: You find that out on Celebrity Mensa?

KEITH: No, no, I did not. Brain Training With the Stars. Actually, I think I knew before that. I was always good at woodwork at school. [laughs] Only my mom said I should do um, retail management, but I kept getting fired. Too volatile, apparently.

MANISHA: You never talked about that.

KEITH: Well, we're going to die together. Silly to hold anything back.

MANISHA: Yes... yes, I suppose so! Keith, do you fancy a shag?

KEITH: What?

MANISHA: Like you said, we're going to die anyway, no need to keep secrets. I fancy you. Up for a shag?

KEITH: You fancy me? Really?

MANISHA: Yeah.

KEITH: Shouldn't we tell the others about the secret room? And you don't even like me!

MANISHA: Maybe I've been won over by your spatial reasoning skills.

KEITH: Yeah?

MANISHA: Yeah! [laughs] Just get over here!

KEITH: Okay! [laughs]

[recorder fast forwards]

JODY MARSH: This is the indoor bowling alley where the Prof and Keith were pulling up floorboards, Chris. You okay getting over that step?

CHRIS MCSHELL: Yes, yes, I'm fine. Bowling alley?

GERI: It's also a bouncy castle and a paddling pool for the kids.

SHEILA: Or for grownups. These technology people are like children, you know. No sense of responsibility. Playtime all the time.

JODY MARSH: I'd quite like to work somewhere with a bouncy castle. You can get good ideas when you're... bouncing.

CHRIS MCSHELL: My, uh, daughter used to love bouncy castles. [laugh] She thought if she bounced hard enough, she could jump straight to the moon! I told her she couldn't. She cried and cried.

GERI: My girlfriend Lisa had twin boys. They're eight, now. They loved the seesaw. They were so evenly matched. [laughs] I can see them now, giggling, kicking off the ground.

JODY MARSH: Do you... do you know where they are now?

GERI: They're safe. Castle in Yorkshire. I had to leave them, had things to do. No way to talk to them while I'm away. It's hard. Do you have children, Sheila?

SHEILA: Me, kids? No. No, I don't. It never happened for me.

GERI: In a way, it's one less thing to worry about. Like, none of us are ever going to have to do a tax return again.

SHEILA: I think that sometimes. What matters now? Remember that cyberterrorism thingy, Netrophil? Before the apocalypse, we were all so worried about them stealing our credit card numbers and blowing up university labs.

JODY MARSH: Yeah, I remember. I spent hours telling clients they had nothing to worry about from Netrophil. It was all lies. I had no idea whether they should worry about it. I turned out to be right, though, didn't I? It wasn't that they should have been worried about.

GERI: I heard those people weren't even terrorists, really.

JODY MARSH: We've had a look around, Chris, and we can't see anything useful.

GERI: One last look around the other basement. Nothing there but the boiler, and that hasn't had a fire in it for months.

JODY MARSH: Hook onto my elbow, Chris. We'll just walk through here.

[recorder fast forwards]

GERI: See? The Prof and I checked it. Where has the Prof got to?

SHEILA: Probably still sleeping. I would be too if my nerves weren't still on edge. This is just an empty room with a boiler, Chris.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Did you say the boiler wasn't lit when you came down last time?

GERI: Hasn't been lit for months, probably.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Honestly. It's not true that your senses become more acute when you're blind, but you do notice what they're telling you more. Can none of you smell that?

JODY MARSH: [sniffs] Smell what, Chris? Oh, wait, yeah. I smell it. Burning, just a bit.

SHEILA: It seeped into the walls, I expect, that smell.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Open the boiler, Jody.

[boiler opens]

JODY MARSH: Wow, you're right, Chris! Something has been burning here. The ashes are still warm, and there are a few bits left. [ashes rustles] I think it's the spine of a scrapbook.

[recorder fast forwards]

MANISHA: Oh, honestly, did we really record all of that?

KEITH: Oh, well [laughs] my manager was always saying I should release a sex tape.

MANISHA: I'll turn off and delete it.

KEITH: No! No, no, don't.

MANISHA: Why?

KEITH: Listen, I mean, we're going to die, right?

MANISHA: Probably. Good way to go, though. Oh, I don't suppose I mind if someone finds it. You're right. That was a good shag. Very energetic.

KEITH: I love you, Nish. I've been in love with you for months. Oh God, it feels good to have said that. Honestly, I've been holding that in since before Rotherham. 

Do you remember that night we fought off the zombies and that pack of wild dogs? I mean, you were fighting in your tank top and your pajama bottoms, your skin was glowing, there was this sheen, and you – and I thought – I mean, that is the most amazing woman in the world. I love you. I do.

MANISHA: What is this, Keith? If it's another cheap joke, I can't take it.

KEITH: It's not, though! I think, you know, I was always afraid to say it, because you and Callum were so close, and... [sighs] I thought you'd laugh at me. I mean, I know I'm just a clown to you. Sometimes I think I am to myself.

You know, it's all those reality shows, all those parts! In this one, I'm the arrogant one. In that one, I'm the funny one or the villain, or the one who talks about his dead gran. [sighs] You know, I feel like I forgot who I was. But I know this for sure: I love you. ... Do you feel anything for me?

MANISHA: I... I... um, let's go and find the others. We should tell them about that missing room downstairs.

[recorder fast forwards]

KEITH: Poor Callum. He looks so peaceful, doesn't he? Like he's sleeping.

MANISHA: He never looked that peaceful when he was actually sleeping, remember?

KEITH: Oh yeah! He used to shout stuff out in the night about his willy. Remember when he was shouting so loud that this kid zombie came along, dragging a... actually, maybe that story's better another time.

GERI: Where have you both been, anyway?

KEITH: Boarding up windows.

MANISHA: Checking the bedrooms. The point is, um, Keith's worked out that there must be another room leading off this one.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Whoever designed Gadsen Manor has a sense of humor. I think it's supposed to be a techno-pastiche of a country house. Look for anything that could open a door.

SHEILA: I don't know, love. Looks like a lot of kitchen equipment to me. Cans of beans, tomatoes, rice.

KEITH: What about this? A bottle labeled "secret sauce."

JODY MARSH: Well, they're not going to do anything that obvious, are they? [wall moves] Oh. Maybe they are.

KEITH: That's it! The whole wall is on a hinge, it's opening! I feel like James Bond! I would have been an amazing James Bond, by the way.

GERI: Wow.

CHRIS MCSHELL: What are you seeing?

JODY MARSH: It's a control room. There's TV screens with feeds from all the rooms. Any of us could have found this room and slipped in here, listened to conversations.

GERI: There are all sorts of controls. What happens if I do... this? [presses button]

JODY MARSH: Oh, don't press anything, Geri! We don't know what could happen!

[carousel music plays]

SHEILA: It's just made the chandelier in the kitchen go around, Jody, love.

GERI: What about this one? [presses button]

[doorbell rings]

JODY MARSH: The doorbell.

KEITH: Oh my God, look. Look at that camera feed.

MANISHA: What? I can't see. The stupid tree house is in the way.

KEITH: Look, it's the Prof! On the other side of the fence. Oh my God, he's escaped somehow. He's got to be the murderer. He's the murderer, and he's escaped!

JODY MARSH: I suppose it was his poison.

GERI: And he was totally cagey about his research. Had Callum ever done any stories about him, Manisha?

MANISHA: Callum? No, he hasn't done that kind of story for years. Anyway, how did the Prof get out?

KEITH: Oh my God, do you think he was looking for a way out, and that's why he pulled up the floorboards?

MANISHA: So there's a way out?

GERI: He found the way out and didn't tell any of us?

JODY MARSH: Oh, we've got bigger problems. Look at Camera Six!

MANISHA: Oh God. Oh no!

CHRIS MCSHELL: What is it?

JODY MARSH: The zombies are through into the side hall. We've all got to move.

GERI: Shouldn't we try to find the way out? We could escape like the Prof.

JODY MARSH: There isn't time! Lock the kitchen door, barricade it. Move!

[recorder fast forwards]

[zombies growl, furniture crumbles]

GERI: They've got the scent of us. Move!

KEITH: Duck, Geri!

[gunshot, glass shatters]

JODY MARSH: Help me! That zom with the dangling hands is almost through!

MANISHA: Here, cleaver!

SHEILA: That's done it. Head clean!

KEITH: But there's more coming, south and west. Oh God, there's too many!

SHEILA: Everyone back out of the room. I've got an idea. Let me at the control panel. [presses buttons, blast doors raise]

MANISHA: Wow. That's amazing. Sheila, you managed to raise some... what are they, blast doors?

SHEILA: I thought there might be some special protective doors to stop fire spreading in an old house like this. Pandora Haze never spared any expense on technology.

GERI: That was fast, Sheila. They're sealed off again for now. You've bought us some time.

KEITH: How long, though?

CHRIS MCSHELL: If one of you could work out how to power up the control panel upstairs, I suggest we make a hasty retreat, and then destroy the staircases. Axes.

MANISHA: On it. Everyone, upstairs.

[recorder fast forwards]

JODY MARSH: Okay, Chris. We're safe for now. It's just you and me here in the study. Keith's taking out the staircase. Apparently, he had to do it once before in [?].

CHRIS MCSHELL: And the control panels?

JODY MARSH: They're working. There are even remote controls. Looks like you can do loads of things with the tech in the house.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Are there any instructions about how to do those things?

JODY MARSH: All deleted. Should be instruction manuals and Pandora Haze personnel records and all sorts, but it just says "file missing."

CHRIS MCSHELL: Hmm. Do you have the remains of the scrapbook we found in the boiler?

JODY MARSH: Yeah. I've been looking at it. It's weird, Chris. The pages are burned, right, but the spine's still intact, and so I've got all the... all the stumps of pages, yeah, all charred -

CHRIS MCSHELL: There's one page missing.

JODY MARSH: How did you know that? There is one missing. One of the pages at the start of the book is gone. Torn clean out, right next to the spine.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Yeah, that's what I thought. Right at the very start.

JODY MARSH: You've got an idea, haven't you?

CHRIS MCSHELL: I have.

JODY MARSH: Will it keep us alive more than another few hours?

CHRIS MCSHELL: I can't promise that.

JODY MARSH: Then what's the point, Chris? The ground floor's full of zombies, and we're trapped up here. Worst of all, we know the Prof found a way out, but we'll never get to it now. We're going to die in here!

CHRIS MCSHELL: Did you ever hear the phrase, "the Golden Age of murder mysteries"?

JODY MARSH: Yeah. Like, Agatha Christie, Dorothy Sayers, that lot?

CHRIS MCSHELL: That lot, starting in the 1920s. While flappers were kicking up their heels and American gansters were smuggling liquor past Prohibition cops, this new genre of stories suddenly became popular. A crime, a murderer, a detective. Hours spent working out what happened and why.

JODY MARSH: I used to love Hercule Poirot on the telly.

CHRIS MCSHELL: Why do you think it happened in the 1920s? Why that kind of story then?

JODY MARSH: I don't know. People needed something to read to distract them from not being able to get pissed?

CHRIS MCSHELL: [laughs] Maybe. I've always thought about what had just happened a few years earlier.

JODY MARSH: What? Oh! The First World War?

CHRIS MCSHELL: Millions of young men in unmarked graves. A new kind of war, mechanized and devastating. Millions of unidentifiable bodies. Millions of boys marched off bravely one day, and never came home.

Um... my daughter. You know, she might be out there somewhere. Or worse, she might be a walking corpse. I'll probably never know.

JODY MARSH: Chris... you never talk about her -

CHRIS MCSHELL: No, no, it's all right. It's all right. What I'm saying is, I think those 1920s Golden Age murder mysteries were a fantasy. There'd been so many stupid, pointless deaths. The slow unpicking of the reasons for one solitary death... it was comforting. Do you see what I'm saying?

JODY MARSH: Yeah, I do. Yeah.

CHRIS MCSHELL: So let's just solve this one.

JODY MARSH: But we're all going to die!

CHRIS MCSHELL: Well, that's always been true. Jody, could you ask everyone to gather in the sitting room? I'm certain I know who our killer is now.