#two years later it comes back like a sleeper agent

[wandafiction]

Billy's Discovery - Just Us Chapter 33

Warnings: None

Word Count: 3243

Series List | Chapter 32 | Chapter 34

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Wanda is currently sitting on my lap,

both of us wrapped in one of Natasha's blankets as we sit in front of the fire that we started not too long ago. Because it's a Friday night and the boys don't have school tomorrow we are letting them stay up a bit later as they are watching a film down in their bedroom for tonight. Wanda is sitting sideways, her legs hanging off of my right one, her head in the crook of my neck and her hands are playing with my rings as I rest them in her lap: with one arm around her back to make sure she is secure. 

I get random kisses on my neck and jaw which make me smile at the woman and melt into her touch more. We are currently listening to a story about how Natasha and her sister went to Budapest, pronounced budapesht from what Natasha tells us, and how it was a complete shit show. Something about their Airbnb being nothing like the pictures and people on bikes chasing cars.

"If you ask me you sound like Russian spies on the run." I interrupt the story telling when Natasha mentions bullet holes in the wall of the Airbnb. 

"What is it with you and thinking I'm a Russian spy?" Natasha takes a sip of her drink slouching back in her chair. 

"I don't know. I mean everyone from Russia are Russian spies or sleeper agents."

"Not all of us, no." She smirks and I laugh.

"Believable." I peck Wanda on the forehead as I lean forward to take a few sips of my beer before returning to my original position.

Wanda grabs my hand that's in her lap and moves it slightly, when I scrunch my eyebrows in question at her she simply lifts the hand to her head. I get the message and weave my hands through her hair, before I start to scratch it. I feel her sigh into my neck and completely relax against my body, sinking further into me and the blanket. Her eyes flutter at the feeling, continuing to listen to the campfire stories people are telling. 

"Y/n why don't you tell us a story." I sit up a little at Yelena's request so I can look at everyone as I tell the story, allowing Wanda to remain in her position.

"What do you want to know about?" I continue to scratch at Wanda's head as I feel her head shift a little so she can listen to my story better. 

"What's the best place in the world you have visited?" Sharon asks as she too wraps herself in a blanket. Even though the fire is creating enough heat to keep us warm the blankets are an added comfort.

"That is easy, well there are two places." I feel Wanda smirk against my neck already knowing one. "So you have Sokovia."

 "You've been to Sokovia?" Natasha sits up more in her seat, becoming slightly more interested at the mention of the country.

"Yeah, many times." 

"Y/n says she goes every few months. She has a promise to keep. How many years has it been since it started baby?" Wanda leaves yet another kiss under my jaw.

"4 years."

"So you started going when you were 18?" 

"Technically since I was 17, I turned 18 the first time I was over there. It would have been 2017." 

"Wow I forget how young you are sometimes." Sharon laughs out as she finishes off her glass of wine pouring herself another one quickly. 

"Are you saying I look old?" I joke.

"Oh, yeah, you do!" Sharon jokes back.

"I mean you're not the first person to think I'm older than I am, I bounce my leg which in turn bounces Wanda so they know I'm on about her.

"Yes but I've already said, the suit, the hair, the make-up and the fact you were drinking fucking whisky made you look so sophisticated and in my mind that made you seem older." She defends herself. 

"I mean she isn't wrong. I thought you were older when I saw you sitting at the bar too, I mean you don't see many 22 year olds drinking alone at a bar." Natasha comes to Wanda's defence. 

"But there I was."

"But there you were. And then I caught you staring at Wanda." 

"She wasn't staring." Wanda sits up more and her statement makes me laugh a little.

"Sorry?"

"I said she wasn't staring, she was admiring. Staring is something that creepy guys do." Wanda pushes her body against mine more, pulling the blanket tighter to us as well.

"I'm pretty sure it was staring." Natasha gives me a pointed look and I just smirk.

"Nope it wasn't. Y/n made clear she was admiring me." 

"Okay so she was admiring you by staring at you." Wanda chuckles into my neck as I place a kiss on her forehead laughing out as well.

"Anyway back to my campfire story." I get us back on track, as we have completely derailed from our previous conversation.

"Right so you have Sokovia. Then what's the other one?" Yelena asks, allowing me to continue where I left off.

"Wakanda."

"Wakanda?" Both Natasha and Yelena look at me with furrowed brows while I feel Wanda scrunch her eyebrows together as they all seem confused.

"Isn't that the place in Africa where they mine vibranium and that? King T'challa rules the kingdom there now, right?" Sharon asks, intrigued.

"Yup, that's correct. Have you been?"

"No I haven't but Shield works closely with them for stuff."

"What stuff?" I playfully wiggle my eyebrows so she knows I'm not 100% serious.

"Classified." She says with a straight face.

"Or do you just not want to spill your secrets in front of the spies." 

"We are not spies." Natasha grumbles bored of the joke already.

"That's what a spy would say." Sharon retorts and I lean over a little bit, making sure Wanda stays in my lap, as we high five.

"I'm sorry, I know you are not spies. I just mean it would be pretty cool if you were." 

"Why don't you draw them?" Wanda's voice vibrates against my neck causing a few goosebumps.

"Draw us? What do you mean draw us?" Yelena asks as she and Natasha look between me and Wanda.

"I draw comic book style super heroes, well I've only got a few so far and some of them are just names that me and Carl came up with. I need to base my drawings off of people to be able to bring them to life." 

"She uses Tony Stark to draw a man named Robert Downey who's superhero alias is Iron Man." Wanda feeds them some more information.

"I mean I could always use more characters and evil Russian Spies turned good would make a good story line." I fidget in excitement until Wanda starts rubbing her thumb against my hand and whining at the fact I stopped the head rubs, which I didn't realise, so continue as she relaxes against me once again.

"What would my character name be?" Natasha asks first.

"I don't really choose the names really. That's Carl's job."

"Who's Carl?" Yelena asks as more things are revealed.

"A boy back in Sokovia." Wanda answers for me, noting the tiny change from relaxed to uncomfortable in the way I squeeze our hands together. 

The women seem to get the message as they drop the subject moving on to their own conversations as they continue to drink their wine, well beer for Yelena. Wanda shifts upwards a bit bringing her face closer to my ear.

"Sorry about them dorogoy, they can be so unaware sometimes." 

"It's okay princess, just didn't know how much you have told them about anything." I turn to look down at her as she gives me an acknowledging hum.

"I haven't said anything, not that I know much anyway…"

"I promise I will tell you one day, soon hopefully."

"I know I didn't mean it like that, I just meant I can't tell them something that I don't know about truly myself. And I won't share everything with them, as that's not fair on you." She goes to kiss the underside of my jaw but I turn my head so we lock lips, but only for a few seconds as we hear fake gagging come from the other women at the table making me and Wanda laugh into each other's mouths. 

Wanda buries her head back into my neck where I feel her yawn against it. I brush my hand through her hair, cupping her cheek to turn her face to look up at me. Her tired eyes meet mine, another yawn leaves her mouth bringing her hand in front of her mouth to yawn into instead of my face. 

"Time for bed princess?" She nods slowly against my neck. "Okay, it's been a lovely evening and an amazing day but this one is tired so we are going to head to bed."

I pick Wanda up bridal style as she snuggles her head into my chest, wrapping her arms around my neck as she says a small goodnight to everyone who replies in the same tone. Just as I make it to the door Yelena is next to me opening it, I give her a small thank you as she closes it behind us. I quietly make my way upstairs, as Wanda's eyes start to shut on me and I can see how she is struggling to stay awake.

"It's okay princess you go to sleep. Is it okay if I get you changed and put the boys to bed for you?" I feel her nod against my head a small please and thank you coming from her. "No problem."

I use my hand that's under Wanda's legs to push the handle of the door down, pushing it open with my foot before kicking it gently closed behind me. I place Wanda down on the end of the bed, as she struggles to stay sitting up rubbing the sleep from her eyes to try and stay awake. I go to her bag, picking out her sleep shorts and the oversized t-shirt in there before making my way back in front of her. I place the clothes next to her on the bed and crouch down so I can untie her shoes, slipping them off easily and putting them on the floor at the end of the bed. I unbutton her pants, pulling them down her legs and off her feet, folding them up and placing them on her shoes. I pick up the sleep shorts and shimmy them up her legs until they get to her bum, lifting her body with one arm so she isn't in contact with the bed I am able to pull the sleep shorts up properly with the other arm.

I place her back in the bed and unbutton the shirt she had changed into, slipping it off her arms before unclipping her bra. I fold her shirt up, putting it on top of her pants on the floor and grab the oversized t-shirt. 

"Up." She lifts her arms in the air lazily making it that little bit easier for me to put it on her. "There. All done. Why don't you clean your teeth while I go downstairs and sort the boys out."

 She simply nods so I give her a quick peck before moving out of the room and down to where the boys are: in the basement bedroom situation that's going on. A fond smile grows on my face at the sight of the boys snuggled together on one bed, Nathaniel snoring lightly in between the twins' bodies as they hold him in their arms as Tommy seems to be asleep too. My eyes move to Billy who is smiling up at me as the light from the TV illuminates the room.

"Hey Y/n."

"Hey Billy. I just came down to say it's time for you guys to go to sleep, but the other two seem to have beaten me to it." I let out a quiet laugh as Billy laughs with me.

"Yeah they have been asleep for a while, but I wanted to finish the movie."

"What are you watching?" I move into the room more to see Cars 2 on and I smile wider when I look back at Billy. "You put his favourite movie on?" 

"Yeah, me and Tommy watched ours so it's only fair he gets to watch his." Urgh these boys are too good!

"Thank you for today Billy, I would thank your brother also but…" Tommy shifts in his sleep, mine and Billy's eyes darting towards him before he settles back down and we continue.

"It's no problem Y/n I had lots of fun, and I know Tommy did too. It was really nice to play with him, he is like a little brother to us already." Ah, my heart, this is too precious. "Where's mama?" 

"She is in bed. She was super tired so I said I would come down and make sure you guys got off to bed." 

"Okay fair enough." I turn to leave but Billy's voice stops me. "Y/n."

"Yes Billy?"

"Are you and my mama dating?" I freeze on the spot.

"What would make you say that Billy?" What else can I say?

"Just you're a new friend, one we haven't met before today, but mama seems a lot happier when you are around. Also I may or may not have seen you kiss out by the fire." I knew me and Wanda were being all snuggly outside but we didn't think the boys would come and disturb us and Wanda wanted to cuddle so who was I to deny her?

"If I said yes, would it be a bad thing? Hypothetically that is." He is smart enough to know what I'm asking for.

"No. I like you and I love to see mama really happy. You make her really happy. I don't even think papa made her this happy. So thank you for making her smile again Y/n." 

"Oh, I don't know. Uh, thank you Billy. I promise to make her happy for as long as I can. Also she didn't want to tell you today because she didn't know how you would react and it's all still new, not because she wanted to lie to you about it."

"I know. But you can tell her that we like you, and want to see more of you." 

"I will Billy, now try and get some sleep. If you need your mom or if Nathaniel needs me we are in the guest room." I make my way to the door, turning around one last time. "Goodnight Billy."

"Goodnight Y/n." I close the door behind me and make my way up to the guest bedroom.

Upon entering the room, Wanda rolls onto her back lifting her arms in the air making grabby hands at me. I gently laugh and roll my eyes, but walk to the bed to join her under the covers. Once I'm settled in the bed Wanda pulls half her body on top of me, resting her head on my chest with one arm gently resting next to her head while the other wraps around my torso. One of her legs tangles with mine while the other remains on the bed. Her hand on my chest draws random patterns, turning her head slightly to look at me through tired eyes.

"How did the boys go down?" Her voice croaks adorably as she whispers into the quiet room.

"Perfectly. Tommy and Nathaniel were already asleep, while Billy finished watching the movie. All three of them were snuggled together. It was really cute and adorable."

"I wish I could have seen it now." 

"You will get to see it again. Billy called Nathaniel a younger brother which is really sweet so I can only assume they want to see him again"

"Billy is so cute."

"He is. But he is also clever too."

"What do you mean?"

"Well he saw us outside during the campfire. More specifically he saw us kissing and proceeded to ask me if we were dating." I don't feel Wanda tense or stop her hand from drawing on my chest which is a good sign.

"What did you say?"

"I said in a hypothetical situation what would he say if we were." Wanda moves so her chin is resting on my sternum giving me her full attention as her hand stops drawing, obviously a little nervous of what I'm going to say.

"What did he say about us hypothetically dating?" 

"He said that it is nice to see you smile like this again and that he can see I make you happy. He also said to tell you that they like me and want to see more of me." I see Wanda's eyes turn slightly glassy, even the small things like this are so important to her and it must mean everything to have her boy's approval.

"You're right. Billy is smart, too smart for his own good sometimes."

"Are you princess?" She hums not understanding. "Are you happy?"

"Extremely happy. So happy that words cannot convey how happy I am." Her smile is so big, her nose scrunches and her eyes almost close as she looks up at me. "Are you Y/n? Are you happy?"

"I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time." Wanda leans up to kiss me slowly and I kiss back just the same. Once our lips finish dancing together she pulls away to smile at me.

"Goodnight dorogoy."

"Goodnight princess." I settle into the bed more once Wanda is back comfortably on my chest, as I listen to her breathing even out as she falls asleep. I smile down at her as I think about what Billy said, and how he noticed that she is happier now and it allows me to think about our future. My thoughts soon turn into dreams as sleep overcomes me.

When I wake up, I feel an extra presence next to me as they snuggle into my neck a little, while Wanda still sleeps comfortably on my chest. I look down to see Nathaniel's tiny body next to me, his small arm laying across my chest, his other one trapped between his body and the bed. I lift my head up more to see Wanda has shuffled a little in her sleep, her body now more on top of mine than when we fell asleep. Her arm that was wrapped around my torso is also wrapped around Nathaniel and I smile at the sight. I hear something else shuffle in the bed, but Wanda and Nathaniel don't move. I turn my head back towards Nathaniel lifting the cover slightly and see Billy next to him with a protective arm around him, his hand holding Wandas.  As I look back to Wanda I notice the extra body next to her as well. Tommy is snuggled up to Wanda as my other arm is wrapped underneath Wanda and curled under him too, I can feel his hand in mine as he rests his head against them. 

I want to make up to this, this family, every morning.

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[shalomniscient]

SELFSHIP LORE: SEVCHINO

master document. always stc according to new lore updates.

PAST: CHILDHOOD -> I meet Peruere and Clervie at the orphanage as the last one to join. Clervie is the one who opens up first, and where Clervie goes, Peruere naturally follows. We become a sort-of trio in the orphanage, mostly just following Clervie around since she's the more outspoken and outgoing one between the three of us. I do start to warm up more eventually, though not to Clervie's extent.

-> On a starlit night after a particularly brutal training session, Clervie assigns all of us nicknames, in a sense. Peruere is the moon, I am the sun, and she is a star. Then, she tells us both about the auroras of Snezhnaya, and we all promise to go see it one day. Together.

-> I rely mostly on Clervie and Peruere during the training sessions because I'm not the most physically capable. I am, however, an academic fucking weapon and destroy any of the academic tests that are set. So much so that by the time we turn 15, a scholarship comes in the mail from Snezhnaya for me, with the offer to study in one of the prestigious institutions in the Nation of Cryo.

-> I consider ignoring the offer, but Clervie rips into me for it. It's an opportunity to escape the Kingmaking, after all. I would be stupid not to take it, yet at the same time, I don't want to leave them. But Clervie assures me that they will both be fine--they have each other, after all. Peruere, on the other hand, makes no such promises (and perhaps, she was wise beyond her years to do so).

-> I head off to Snezhnaya in the coming week, and from then on, only communicate to Clervie and Peruere through letters. It's mostly Clervie writing, but Peruere writes the occasional paragraph or two. I treasure all the letters and keep them in a box beneath my bed at the institute. I get two final letters, one from Clervie and the other from Peruere. Clervie assures me that everything is fine, but Peruere's letter is more honest. The Kingmaking approaches, and nothing is certain. Though they both promise that when it's over, which ever way the chips fall, we'll go see the auroras together.

-> The letters stop the year I turn 17. It doesn’t take long for me to figure out why, since rumors buzz around Snezhnaya like wildfire; Crucabena, the Knave, assassinated by one of her orphans. I try and dig for more info, but everything is kept under tight wraps. I graduate at 18, and I officially won't be receiving any more letters, because I'll be dispatched as a sleeper agent to Liyue and functionally 'severing' any ties to the Fatui. The dream of seeing the auroras remains just that—a dream.

PAST: ADULTHOOD -> As a sleeper agent in Liyue, I work for the Qixing in administration. The Fatui gives all its sleepers a new identity, and as part of my own training at the institute, adopting it isn't difficult. I spend years as a member of the Qixing, and even get to watch Ningguang rise to power as Tianquan.

-> But orders arrive from Snezhnaya to work with a newly acquired 'asset' based in Liyue. That 'asset' ends up being the up-and-coming future Regrator. I become his insider in the Qixing, funneling information to him and functionally becoming his assistant. This goes on for about a year before Yelan comes into Ningguang's service, and the Qixing do a full top-down department purge of Fatui agents. Though by that point, we had already completed what we set out to achieve, so the retreat back to Snezhnaya was not one of disgrace.

-> As part of his 'team', I'm present at his inauguration as a Harbinger. But who then is also present, but as a Harbinger herself, other than Peruere? I don't take my eyes off her throughout the entire ceremony, and neither does she, but now is not the time nor the place for a reunion. Instead, she waits until a few days later, meeting me outside my temporary accommodation at the Zapolyarny Palace on a cloudless night.

-> We talk, and then with her permission, hug her tightly. She says that she looked for me, but it made sense that I couldn't be found since I was a sleeper. The aurora stretches far and wide above our heads, and I ask her where Clervie is, even though at this point, I could surmise the answer myself.

-> A few days after that, I receive a transfer order from the Knave, much to Pantalone's displeasure. I, of course, don't think twice about accepting it.

PRESENT -> I work for Peruere, now Arlecchino, as her adjutant and second-in-command.

FUTURE -> In honor of Clervie's nickname of 'star', our first child is given a name that embodies it; Estelle.

[uraniumwriting]

flowers smell sweet until they wither

Another prompt fill for @flashfictionfridayofficial , this time for the prompt "Gifted Violets"

Today, we go to Halli Reed once again, with a lesson about plants and taking breaks.

~~~~

Halli walked into the AE Lounge with a stack of books in her arms and deep bags under her eyes.

Before she had left her old life, she believed that the busiest she would ever be was when she took Advanced Placement Chemistry and Biology at the same time as a high school sophomore. Just a year later, though, she realized that she was dead wrong.

Two tests on etiquette, three quizzes on intergalactic history, and memorization checks on a million different things, all in the next week. And that was if Jason didn’t decide to spring something else on the group “to keep their senses sharp.”

How was she supposed to sleep ever again if this was now her life?

“You like the flowers?” Zac’s voice shocked Halli out of her thinking.

He sat at the large table in the center of the room, the one with actual chairs instead of the beanbags that were piled in the corners.

On that table was a vase of purple flowers.

“Where did those come from?” Halli slowly walked past the table. She preferred to sit in the corners, where she could more easily ignore the blankness of the walls that should’ve been filled with posters and other signs of teenage life.

“I joined in with the Gardening Club here for the day and brought them to share.” He gestured for her to come over. “They smell really sweet, you know.”

She squinted at him. The flowers were certainly too dark to be lavender, so all Halli could imagine them smelling like was pollen.

“I think I’m fine,” she finally said. “I’m behind on studying already, and Jason’s going to burn me alive if I don’t get back on schedule.”

“You nearly die, and he’s worried about you taking quizzes?” Zac scoffed and ran his fingers through his still-shaggy brown hair. “Just a few days ago you were in the infirmary, Halli.”

“I know, but this school isn’t afraid to throw people out on the street and you know it.” Halli frowned and flopped down on one of the bean bag chairs. “I can’t be weak if I want to survive here, and that means I have to focus on studying as much as possible before curfew.”

“They’re violets, by the way.”

“What?”

Zac gestured to the flowers. “These. Violets. You remember what flowers are, right?”

“You’re acting like I don’t go outside anymore.” Halli opened one of her textbooks to the chapter “Honeypots and Sleeper Agents.”

“I’m just trying to make sure you don’t forget who you are.” Slowly, Zac stood and walked over to the corner Halli had settled herself in. “That gas leak must’ve been terrifying for you, and I’m here for you.”

“The gas leak was nothing. There’s no permanent damage, and I’m not going to randomly drop dead.”

“And what about your mind?” To Halli’s annoyance, Zac sat on the beanbag next to her. “Aren’t you scared? I mean, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t trust this place to protect me.”

“Well, good thing you aren’t in my shoes, then.” Halli did everything she could to focus on the words on the page. At the very least, the memorization checks would be informal, but Jason had already lectured the importance of knowing how to spot espionage around your own espionage.

“You know, why don’t the two of us go to the parkour course tomorrow night?” Zac asked. “Being in the books all of the time can’t be good for you. Moving around a bit always makes me feel better, and we could do some of that team bonding everyone waxes poetically about.”

“I’ve already promised someone else for tomorrow.” Halli shook her head. “Maybe I shouldn’t even do that, anyway. I know the older kids always study later on Saturday nights. I need their help.”

“No.” He grabbed her wrist a bit too quickly for her liking. “You don’t need their help. You need rest. Other than you being in the infirmary, how much have you really rested since you’ve been here?”

“Leave me alone, Zac.” She ripped her wrist away from him. “It must be great that you sleep well even with the idea of flunking out hanging over your head, but I have nothing to go to if I lose this. I’ll rest when I’m not in danger of becoming homeless, okay?”

“But—”

“Leave. Me. Alone.” Halli turned her back to Zac and curled up into a ball. Her face was probably as red as her hair, and tears pricked her eyes, but she couldn’t let her emotions get the best of her. It was difficult to tell just how close she was to flunking out at any given moment, which meant she would just have to work herself to the bone until she was safe.

Was it fun? No. But was it better than being thrown on the streets with nothing to her name but disgrace, or worse? Definitely.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” Zac muttered before he stood.

“Burning out is better than them shooting me,” Halli called back, not bothering to disguise the disgust in her voice.

Thankfully, Zac didn’t start an argument, but instead he grabbed his things and stormed out of the room. Only the violets remained on the table, though Halli eventually noticed the fuzz floating in the vase’s water.

They won’t last very long, she thought.

Halli studied until the curfew bell, but that still wasn’t enough. So, the next evening, she once again opened the door to the AE Lounge with a thicker stack of books in her arms and deeper bags under her eyes.

Instead of violets in the vase, though, something unlike anything she’d ever seen before entangled the whole table and reached out toward everything in sight.

The creature was purple and white, with slimy tentacles that seemed to grow with each passing second. Its body popped and creaked, and though Halli couldn’t see any eyes, the creature shifted as if it noticed her.

On its tentacles were razor-sharp claws, and all of them were flexed toward her.

Halli dropped everything she had been carrying. Honeypot.

Before she could open her mouth to scream, someone grabbed her from behind.

[four-color-words]

Okay, so. Thoughts on Charley, his resurrection, and the retcons...

The teal deer of this post is this -- I don't think a heel-turn, as presented in canon, makes much sense. But, with a different motivation, and a couple of changes to the plot, I think it could have made for a very emotionally impactful story.

This post is going to be long, so get a drink and settle in. And it's gonna get image-heavy, so I'm putting it under a break, to preserve your dashboards as much as I can.

With that warning (seriously, this thing is at least four pages long, I'm sure), let's go --

See, what we get in canon is this: Charley was a Titan, he was killed by the Wildebeest, and that seems to have been the end of this impact on the story. (The New Titans (1988) #72).

Image ID: the Wildebeest, a supervillain in horned, bestial armor, pins Charley to the ground, tightening a garotte around his neck. "...Now I should kill you," he says, "I should keep tightening this wire until there's no air left in your lungs..."

(page seven)

(Disclaimer: I haven't gotten to this arc yet. My Titans read is still sitting circa 1987; I skipped ahead when I first started looking into Charley some time back)

So, Charley dies, and then Slade and Dayton just sorta. Leave his body there on the rocks. Which feels... rude? But also, they don't really know this kid, and what would they even do with his corpse anyway?

I dunno. It doesn't feel ooc for either of them, but it does feel strange, if that makes any sense

Anyway, that seems to be the last we see of Charley-boy until 2005, when he finally reappears in Hawkman (2002) #37

Image ID: Charley Parker, in updated armor, makes a dramatic entrance that takes up the whole page. His wings are spread proudly behind him as he alights. The dialogue reads "Nope. The name's Golden Eagle!"

So... How did he come back? What's the story here? Well, let's hear Charley's version of events:

Image ID: While fighting Carter Hall, Charley says the following over the course of two pages: "My father was a hero... A credit to his race. But everyone betrayed him! My mother deceived him... And then his so-called loyal friends were next! Eventually, even the Thanagarian people turned their backs on him!" ... "He was once a hero to this world, fighting side-by-side with the Justice League!" ... "I'm talking about Fel Andar, my father! You and Katar Hol destroyed him!"

(Hawkman (2002) #45)

Which... Okay, he's Fel Andar's son. That's a surprise, but plausible. As part of his cover, Fel was married to a human woman. That's part of the retcon they made back in Hawkworld, where Fel was introduced. Sure, there's a lot of weird stuff in here about Fel being a hero, but that could just be a kid wanting to believe that his deadbeat dad wasn't a total asshole. Charley's not a reliable narrator. But then it gets convoluted:

Image ID: Charley continues his story: "My grandfather was Andar Nal, who in 1947 during a mission to study Earth with his brother Andar Pul, had fallen in love with a woman named Naomi O'Neill. A year later, they gave birth to my father, Fel Andar, and he was raised on Thanagar... unaware that he was a child of two worlds." ... "...My father was dispatched to Earth by the war council as a spy, to prepare for Thanagar's eventual invasion. Like his father before him, he fell in love with an Earth woman, Sharon Parker, my mother, and as part of his cover as a sleeper agent ... he married her. Soon after, they had a son. I was four years old when Thanagar called my father to active duty."

Holy exposition dump, Batman! The part where Fel is half human feels new (and unnecessary?) to me, but the rest of this checks out so far... Given the caveats I've mentioned. Charley wants to believe his parents loved one another. He wants to believe his parents loved him. Anyone would, really, so we can't blame him for that. But this is about where the story starts to fall apart:

"...He couldn't allow Thanagar to know he had fathered a child. In their eyes it would have compromised his loyalties. As a result, my mother was reprogrammed to believe she was Hawkwoman, while I was given up for adoption. When my mother discovered the truth, she vowed to expose my father to the world. Fel Andar had already made his choice between Earth and Thanagar. With her dying breath, she destroyed his legacy."

...Okay, that... Mostly fits with what I remember from Hawkworld...? I mean, the part where Fel genuinely loved Sharon doesn't, but again, unreliable narrator. But the part I don't understand is... How this is supposed to make Charley sympathize with his father, instead of his mother. This is a story that paints Fel Andar as an awful man who betrayed the woman he loved and his son, Charley, who is telling this story, for the sake of a government and a planet that destroyed his family. He sucks.

"By this time, my father had already proven himself as a hero here on Earth and wanted to stay, but you returned from Limbo with the JSA and ruined everything."

I call bullshit! This didn't fucking happen? Did I miss a comic somewhere? What would he even have been staying for, if he'd betrayed his wife, lost his son, and tried to help destroy the planet?? There's no goddamn way I can believe this guy:

Image ID: Fel Andar, his secrets revealed, fires a massive alien weapon at his faux wife, Sharon Parker, amidst a burning house. As he does so, he tells her "Die like the dog you are."

(Hawkworld (1990) #23, pg5)

...Had any reason to stay. I'll keep the less kind language off the post, but this man hated Earth and the humans that lived on it.

Ugh, whatever. Charley, please continue.

"My father fled to Thanagar where, by the grace of his lineage, he was imprisoned... But spared the death penalty. He escaped and returned to Earth twice after my mother's death. Once when he gave me the Golden Eagle armor. And once as I lay dying on the coast of Long Island." (Hawkman (2002) #45)

...And. That's it. That's all he says. We're supposed to believe a high-profile prisoner managed to escape twice? That he willingly came back to Earth? Saved his mostly-human son? A son he loved, and felt no shame over? That doesn't line up with anything else we've seen about Thanagar or Fel Andar himself. And really, a lot of things about Charley's story here don't make any sense when you start to tug on the threads. Let's wheel it back to Charley's pre-Crisis origins here for a moment -- the clearest origins we get for how and when he got that armor:

Image ID: Sixteen-year-old Charley Parker, dressed in a homemade Hawkman costume, is running around playing pretend. His narration reads: "I was jumping down some steps, pretending to fly... When all of a sudden..." The Charley in the flashback takes over then, with internal monologue. "Ohhh! Being zapped by something... Feel tingly all over!" The next panel, he's midflight, the costume turned real. The narration box reads: "The next startling moment found me soaring high into the sky -- as if I'd been doing it all my life!" Flashback-Charley continues his monologue: "Holy cow! My imitation wings... My hood... They're not a costume anymore...! They're real... Alive... Part of me! I look like a real golden eagle.... Fly like one!"

(Justice League of America (1960) #117)

We find out, as this story goes on, that one of Hawkman's villains -- aggrieved at Carter's absence -- has accidentally magically turned Charley's dorky larp into reality. But that's period-typical silliness. We don't really see him again 'til the formation of the Titans West in Teen Titans (1966) #50, where he mentions how he's gotten wings that will last beyond Matter Master's meddling:

Image ID: Charley, speaking to the other members of the Titans West, says "Yeah! I met the Justice League once -- And Hawkman gave me this set of wings -- But I never met you!"

...Heavily summarized, key details missing, but sure.

Now, this is all pre-Crisis! Normally, I'd just dismiss this as having nothing to do with post-Crisis canon, and leave it at that. Except... Charley and Carter clearly have some sort of connection. If they don't, then where the hell did this photo come from?

Image ID: Charley, at his desk, examines a photograph of his younger self standing with Carter. Both are smiling, and dressed as their alter-egos.

(Hawkman (2002) #42)

Charley himself gives a version of events, one that I had at first dismissed as a complete lie. It's several pages of giant panels, but the short version is this: Charley had a rough life, growing up in orphanages and foster homes. He didn't think he had much of a future, and in his depression, attempted suicide. Carter saved him, gave him a job at the museum, and ultimately took him on as a sidekick. This is also in the midst of him claiming Carter is his biological father, and that he got the Golden Eagle armor from Carter and Adam Strange (Hawkman (2002) #43). As parts of this story are later revealed to be a lie (in issue #45), we can't quite be sure which parts are true.

But some of it must be. On top of that photograph, we have this little anecdote of Dick's:

Image ID: a partial panel wherein Dick, as Nightwing, is speaking to Wally, as Flash. He says: "Flash, you were one of us. You know the worst thing you can do to the Titans is to show up unannounced. You used to hate it when Aquaman and Hawkman would knock on the tower door for an impromptu "cookout" -- We all knew they were just keeping tabs on Garth and Charley." Wally, regretful, admits: "I... I guess that did bug the hell out of us."

(Teen Titans (2003) #6)

I checked the publication dates, and this bit of dialogue was in place a whole year before Charley's return. Is it just Geoff Johns wanting to namedrop his blorbo? Probably. But it has consequences for the whole narrative they're presenting here. After all, Dick would have no reason to bring up Charley and Carter, unless this was a real thing that had happened. And Wally would have no reason to corroborate the story.

Image ID: a gif of Oprah Winfrey asking her unseen interviewee "So what is the truth?"

WELP, if we're gonna figure that out, maybe we should see what Carter has to say on the subject. I mean, if this kid was his sidekick, he ought to have known him, right? Had some kind of reaction to seeing him come back from the dead?

Image ID: Two sequential panels from Hawkman (2002) #38. Carter wakes up in a hospital bed. Charley comes into the room, dressed in a suit, coffee mug in hand. He greets Carter: "Carter, I'm so glad to see you up and moving around. How are you feeling?" Carter answers with a question: "Do we know each other?" Charley replies: "Kind of. My name is Charles Edmund Parker... Formerly Golden Eagle. I was a Teen Titan." In the following panel, Carter says "I heard that Golden Eagle died awhile back." Extraneous dialogue has been cut.

...Oooooor not. Yikes on bikes, this sounds bad. No matter how you slice it, Charley looked up to Carter. They had a bond, a relationship of some kind. One that's compared, in that tiny little anecdote, to the relationship between Garth and Arthur. Carter is implied to be a goddamn father figure to Charley. And... Carter doesn't even recognize him. Doesn't remember Charley's name, or his moniker. Shows no reaction to him being dead, or alive, or alive after being fucking dead.

It's goddamn tragic, the story this presents us with. Charley was a kid who was so unbearably lonely, so hungry for a family, for connection. And then, for a fraction of a moment, he thought he had it. He was a hero, a Titan! He had a mentor he could learn from, friends he could trust! He had a home! A family! Finally, he had somewhere to belong!

And then... He lost it. He was lured into a trap and left to die, alone, on the cold rocky shore. Forgotten, completely, by his friends, by his mentor, by everyone who he'd believed loved him. He had no one.

Who wouldn't want revenge, after that?! Who wouldn't be in pain?!

But is any of that brought up? Is any of that stated to be why Charley is seeking revenge on Carter? No. You know why Charley wants to kill Carter and take the Hawkman mantle?

"All Carter Hall did was loot Nth metal from a Thanagarian battleship that crashed on Earth centuries ago! His blood isn't pure! He has no claim to the uniform or understanding of what it signifies!"

(Hawkman (2002) #44)

...Bro, what? This doesn't make any goddamn sense. By Charley's own admission, he's mostly human. He doesn't have a leg to stand on in that extremely gross, racist argument. Besides that, Carter was the first Hawkman. Fel was a fake, Katar was a successor. If anybody gets to decide what it means to be Hawkman, it's Carter.

This is fucking dumb. You had a perfectly good, understandable, valid motivation right there. And you just... Dropped the ball to make Charley be a piece of shit for no reason. Why. Why do you do this to me. To me specifically.

I mean, sure, in his prior characterization, he could be a bit of an ass:

Image ID: Two panels, out of sequence, from a conversation between Charley and Garth. In the first, Charley comments: "I've got a summer house a few miles south." Garth replies: "I remember the party you threw when the old Titans disbanded. I don't think Donna's ever forgiven you for hiring that stripper." Charley laughs it off -- "Aahh, she was always uptight. She needed a laugh." In the second panel, Charley continues with his attitude: "Hey, I liked foes I could beat up with my right hand tied behind my back. Certainly made us look more impressive."

(The New Teen Titans (1988) #72)

...But he was a kid, somewhere between nineteen and twenty-one, nothing more or less. He had room and time to grow. We can see that, behind the jerk who's begging for a headlock, Charley's a loyal friend who doesn't hesitate to defend his friends:

Image ID: A closeup of Charley's panicked, angry face. He calls out: "Garth? Garth? Oh, my dear god." In the next panel, he swoops at Wildebeest, attacking from above. "If he's dead, you bast--" Wildebeest interrupts Charley: "Not my intention, bird-boy."

Unfortunately we don't have a whole lot of characterization for him post-Crisis, prior to his death. Aside from this, the most we really see of his character is him not getting along with Hawk (but who does?) and expressing that he's worn out in The New Titans (1988) #56 and doesn't wanna stick around while Lillith tries to revive Gnarrk. Neither of these things conflict with his pre-Crisis characterization, but they don't give us a strong sense of a whole character, either.

So, let's look at pre-Crisis canon, because that's most of what exists in terms of Charley's appearances. (At least what's listed on the wiki; if I'm missing stuff, let me know. It's a lot of comics to cover!) We can see that Charley struggles with asserting himself in his civilian life:

Image ID: A physically imposing man looms over Charley, working as a gas station attendant. The man growls: "Listen, punk -- I told ya $3 worth!" Charley protests: "But, sir -- I distinctly heard you say "fill 'er up"! You owe $12.45!"

In the rest of this sequence (Teen Titans (1966) #50), the man proceeds to bully Charley into letting him drive away without paying at all. His boss says this is the third time this has happened this week, and says he'll take it out of Charley's paycheck. Charley, sick of this mistreatment, quits. As he walks away, Charley says this isn't the first time he's been out of work, and expresses a desire to go back to being the Golden Eagle:

Image ID: Charley is seen from behind, walking away from the gas station. His internal monologue is as follows: "Well, scratch another job for Charlie Parker, boy nebbish! I guess I should start lookin' for a different way to earn bread -- but I'm not in the mood! I'd rather go home and do my Golden Eagle gig--!"

The implication here is that he doesn't associate being the Golden Eagle with profit or earning money. He's not a mercenary, so he's genuinely doing this out of a desire to do good. And maybe to exert a little bit of control over his life, take on a more confident persona. But that's hardly a villainous motivation, especially for a sixteen-year-old nerd who larped being a superhero. He started being a hero because he wanted to be like his idol, Hawkman (Justice League of America (1960) #116). This doesn't exactly conflict with the arrogant jerk we see just prior to Charley's death. Rather, it paints that as overcompensation. Charley is concerned with how impressive he and the other Titans come across, flaunts his "summer home," and hires a stripper for a party -- all because he's trying to look cool and confident, and hide crippling self-doubt.

He's not the asshole we see in Hawkman (2002). This characterization comes completely out of left field, to my mind. There's not the barest clue of it in anything Charley was in before now, pre- or post-Crisis.

So what would make sense, with that prior characterization in mind? Well, I've got an idea, but that might be for a different post. This thing is already a mile and a half long, and it's killing my browser and internet connection.

Either way, what we get in canon doesn't feel right to me. Maybe there's more in the Rann-Thanagar War arc that will explain the part about Fel's sudden and total change in characterization, but at present, I have a hard time buying it. I sincerely doubt they'll be able to make Charley's bullshit motives for this heel-turn make sense.

I really think Charley had the potential to be and do more than he got in canon. He got twisted into a sad facsimile of himself, a prop to make Carter look better. And it really breaks my heart, because I think this story could have been a huge turning point for Carter and the Hawks as a whole. But my thoughts and feelings on that are an essay in themselves, to be honest.

Anyway, that's the end of this for now. If you actually read this thing all the way to the end, I am absolutely shocked and flattered. Thank you for listening to me rant.

[libertyreads]

March TBR--

I'm hoping the month of March goes a little better for me reading wise. I felt like I got a decent amount read in February (while still sticking to my goals for the year) but a lot of it was so mid. I'm ready for any of these books to just grab me by the throat and keep me hooked. I have two rereads in preparation for new releases later this year. I also have two NetGalley ARCs and a hockey romance (because I've read one every month of the year so far, why not keep that going?).

The Stardust Thief by Chelsea Abdullah-- This is one of those books you hear about a ton on the bookish spaces of the internet and I decided it was finally time to see what all of the hype is about. In this one, we follow Loulie al-Nazari as she and her jinn bodyguard are forced to help the sultan find an ancient lamp that has the power to revive the barren land. There is a ton more in the synopsis, but like a lot of reviewers these days, I feel like synopses are starting to give too much away. I'm hoping for some City of Brass vibes and lots of adventure.

The Foxglove King by Hannah Whitten (Reread)-- I read this one a year ago and I'm excited to dive back into it before the next book comes out. In this one we follow Lore who escaped from a cult beneath the city of Dellaire over 10 years ago. Lore's job as a runner sustains her, but when a run goes wrong and her power is revealed she's forced to work for the Sainted King to find the person in his court responsible for the deaths of entire villages on the outskirts of the country. Thrust into the Sainted King's glittering court, Lore becomes tangled in politics, religion, and forbidden romance. This was my favorite book of January last year so I'm excited to reread.

The Three-Body Problem by Cixin Liu-- A first contact with aliens story that's been translated from the original (and set to be released as a Netflix show soon) and follows the outcome of a secret military project that sent signals into space to establish contact with aliens. Will the alien civilization on the brink of destruction be welcomed on Earth or will there be a fight against an invasion?

Teen Titans: Raven by Kami Garcia and Gabriel Picolo (Reread)-- Before the next in the graphic novel series comes out, I plan on doing a quick reread of this one. Number one in this series introduces us to Raven who is forced to move to New Orleans following the accident that takes her foster mother's life. But that accident has also taken her memory. Then strange things start happening. This is a fun series and I'm glad I get the chance to reread it.

No Coincidence by Rafat Kosik-- Translated from the original Polish, this is the first novel in the Cyberpunk 2077 series. Apparently, this series includes collected editions of limited series, standalone graphic novels, and also full length novels. There are four authors who have contributed to it. It is all based on the game Cyberpunk 2077. My understanding is that you can start in a few different places. I hope it's true. Let's talk about the actual book now. This one appealed to me because of the cover. But the synopsis really got me. A misfit group is forced to do a heist thanks to some good, old-fashioned blackmail. The gang includes a veteran turned renegade, a Militech sleeper agent, an amateur net runner, a corporate negotiator, a ripperdoc, and a techie. They must come together to pull off the deadly heist. Also...is this the third book in this TBR about people being forced to work for people above them??

Must Love Hockey by Sarina Bowen (Kindle)-- This short hockey romance follows a woman who has an allergic reaction at a hockey game and is rescued by an equipment manager whose name she doesn't manage to catch. I've read and enjoyed Sarina Bowen before so I'm hoping this is a fun and quick read.

The Dead Cat Tail Assassins by P. Djeli Clark (NetGalley)-- The Dead Cat Tail Assassins are not cats. Nor do they have tails. But they are most assuredly dead. Those sworn to the Matron of Assassins--resurrected, deadly, wiped of their memories--have only three unbreakable vows. First, the contract must be just. Second, even the most powerful assassin may only kill the contracted. Third, once you accept a job, you must carry it out. And if you stray? A final death would be a mercy. Eveen's newest mission brings her face-to-face with a past she isn't supposed to remember and a vow she can't forget.

Ghost Station by S.A. Barnes (NetGalley)-- When I tell you that I was squealing the day I found out I got access to this book, please, do picture it as a cute and dainty squeal instead of the insanity that actually unfolded. I loved Dead Silence from this author so when I saw they had a new space horror novel I HAD to try to get an ARC. Space exploration can be lonely and isolating. Psychologist Dr. Ophelia Bray is assigned to a small exploration crew and she is determined to make a difference. But as they begin establishing residency on an abandoned planet, it becomes clear that the crew is hiding something. Her crewmates are far more interested in investigating the eerie planet and unraveling the mystery behind the previous colonizer's hasty departure than opening up to her. That is, until their pilot is discovered gruesomely murdered. I cannot wait to read this one.

This TBR is giving me such a good feeling. There's Sci-Fi, there's Fantasy, there's Romance, there's Sci-Fi/Horror (a beloved genre pairing for me), there's a graphic novel. I'm just hoping March is such a good reading month. I kind of need it.

[mousermayhem]

So I’ve been thinking about my past as a fan of TMNT, and had an interesting realization when comparing my attitudes towards characters from TMNT and characters from another series I love dearly: D.Gray-man. This is going to basically be an extremely long ramble and it’s more to get my own thoughts out, so feel free to ignore this if you want.

Years ago, in Elementary School, I got into TMNT. At the time Mikey was my favorite by a landslide, but I dearly loved Leo and Donnie too. After all, Leo’s weapons were super cool and Donnie was… well, he was the purple one. (It’s my favorite color to this day and many fav characters have some purple in them) But… I didn’t like Raph. I thought he was too mean. Too abrasive. Especially towards Mikey, who was my absolute favorite!

But then I kinda… Got over TMNT. Sorta. I never actually ‘get over’ most true obsessions, but they do go dormant like a sleeper agent ready to come back at any moment.

In Middle School my new friends got me into my first Manga: D.Gray-man. It’s a doozy of a manga/anime to start with but to this day I love it. There are two characters in the main cast that really stood out to me. One was Lavi, a guy who was incredibly silly but at the same time was incredibly strong and could be serious when needed. He also had an eyepatch and a big hammer so that was extra fun. For years he was my absolute favorite! He was my Silly Little Guy who I loved dearly.

But there was also Kanda. I loathed Kanda. He was rude. Mean. Closed off from basically everyone around him. And most importantly to me at the time, he would often lash out at Lavi. I thought it was unjustified. Lavi’s a silly guy who’s saying things in jest, and Kanda is overreacting to it.

Once again, my love for this also went dormant.

During college my loves for both reawakened. But… something was different this time.

D.Gray-man came first. I started rereading/rewatching it and made an rp blog here on tumblr for my favorite character for something to do. He was a side character and my favorite even back then. But… my other favorites had changed. I still love Lavi, don’t get me wrong. He comes with me everywhere as a keychain on my keyflail. But now I had a much greater love and respect for Kanda than I ever had before. Somewhere in growing up I started being able to see everything in a new light. Lavi’s teasing of Kanda was often over things Lavi knew Kanda was sensitive about. Like how Lavi would call Kanda by his second name, knowing Kanda hated being called that. I understood now how much tragedy Kanda had in his life and how it lead to him being closed off and abrasive. And I started almost feeling bad that there was a time I thought his reactions were unjustified.

TMNT (specifically 03) came later, though I wouldn’t be involved in the fandom for a long while still. I wouldn’t think about it much until now, but the same thing happened. For a while now Raph has dethroned all the others as my favorite turtle. I never had issues with anger, but… I felt like I could look at him and understand him now. Mikey is always going at him. The response to his outbursts or pushing back always seems to boil down to ‘don’t be angry’. I still love Mikey. He’s great. But my perception shifted to be more understanding of the nuance of Raph’s character and that caused him to become my new favorite.

I’m not sure exactly why this happened. Maybe it was because in the time since I had first gotten into both DGM and TMNT I’ve met so many new people. Got so many more different perspectives and became a more understanding person. Maybe it’s because I now have had moments where I felt incredibly wronged but also felt like I wasn’t allowed to get angry about it. Something about growing up changed things for me. I can’t say I’m too mad, though. Kanda and Raph are great and I love them.

[cry-internal]

i've basically all but abandoned this blog since getting back into ryu ga gotoku, but someone mentioned to me earlier today that they were getting into soundgarden and that's like a sleeper agent activation for me.

i wrote out a pretty long (by discord message standards; i strayed fairly deep into nitro character length territory) "review" of my top three songs from each album, plus three of my favourites from b-side collections etc., aimed mostly at someone who isn't as ill about soundgarden as i am.

not included in this post are the wellwater conspiracy and HBS songs i linked to them prior, because i will never not take an excuse to shill WWC to anyone who'll listen.

in any case, it's a fair amount of scrolling, so i'll throw the rest under a cut:

king animal (2012)

eyelid's mouth

taree

by crooked steps

i think my spotify wrapped had all of these, but not necessarily in this order. honourable mention @ blood on the valley floor for sounding like it came right off superunknown despite being composed 20 years later

eyelid's mouth has a delicious psychedelic tone & aforementioned feature. taree is a very stripped back, nostalgic love song to the pacific northwest with cute guitar licks during the bridge and outro that fill me with a sense of childlike whimsy. crooked steps GOES HARD and counting it is fairly difficult. it's just so much fun to listen to

down on the upside (1996)

tighter & tighter

applebite

zero chance

DOTU in general marked a distinct slowing down from previous albums; i don't hate the heavier songs on this album (I LOVE no attention) but the lower-key entries stand out and feel much more thoughtful to me in how they're put together.

tighter & tighter conveys a really strong emotion to me through the distorted open C chord during the refrain. applebite is mostly there as a sort of "break" in the middle of the album but i really enjoy it in its own right, as unintelligible as the lyrics are. zero chance is weird for me because i'm not usually a fan of heavily acoustic songs, but there's something about the way soundgarden present the acoustic guitar alongside everything else that sits really nicely in my brain. it's probably the bass tbh. ben shepherd is grossly underrated as a bassist

superunknown (1994)

limo wreck

4th of july

mailman

physically painful to leave limo wreck out of the linked recs but it's absolutely up there as one of my faves - the build-up and the vocal performance are almost unparalleled (beyond the wheel comes close, but feels a lot more static in comparison). 4th of july lays the dissonance on very thick - it's a song about a bad acid trip, and it feels legitimately apocalyptic. mailman keeps the sinister tone going (which i adore especially on this album) (not all of it is like this [try half]) but is a bit more toned down compared to the former two

badmotorfinger (1991)

holy water

room a thousand years wide

somewhere

solid album front to back, but these ones take the cake for me, very closely followed by mind riot (the song they wrote with all the guitars in oops-all-E ostrich tuning). holy water is fairly slow, almost brooding? with a strong beat that doesn't really feel like 4/4 but actually is. room 1000yrs wide and somewhere both employ 6/4; room keeps everyone mostly on the beat, while somewhere considers the beat a challenge

louder than love (1989)

ugly truth

no wrong no right

gun

ugly truth to me is one of their strongest album openers to date - rusty cage is good too, but this isn't about her. no wrong no right is another one of those spooky sounding ones that i really like, but it's different in its tonality because this is from when they still had their original bassist, hiro yamamoto. gun slaps and i dropped a line from it in the body of my dead souls majiwagi art post on tumblr

ultramega OK (1988)

flower

beyond the wheel

mood for trouble

UMOK is like pretty hate machine to me, in that i do like it and think it has some standout tracks on it, but it's not really my first choice to listen to. that said, not mentioning beyond the wheel when talking about chris cornell's vocal talent is a fucking disservice

extras

birth ritual (singles soundtrack) - i cannot understate how much i love this song and how mad i am that i can't technically include it on the BAMF lineup

into the void (sealth) (satanoscillatemymetallicsonatas)

little joe (screaming life/fopp)

[mishaapocalypsse]

Silent Skies

Chapter 01-“Roads Not Yet Traveled” Pairings: Soldier Boy (Ben Gilman) x Deaf! Original Character Warnings: Soldier Boy is his own warning, drug use, sexual themes, language, gore, blood, sexual assault, attempted r*ape, suicide, mentions of suicide, self harm, mentions of mental illness—that may be within this fanfiction may be triggering for some.

Do not repost, copy, paste this work or claim this as your own. Reblog instead!

Read at your own risk, enjoy.

Note: Some scenes may be out of canon, and character.

An AU where Soldier Boy gets a second chance to walk free. After his first time out of the box, William Butcher goes back on his word and the Boys put him back into the box.

Seven years later Lightening Bolt, a former member of Payback has him resurface to finish what Butcher couldn’t, however Soldier Boy had to learn how to handle himself in the new world a second time.

Lynyx Foster—was too kind and innocent for the everything’s happening around her. All she wanted was to be happy. Her world is initially turned upside down when she meets a man frozen in time with bad intentions written across his face.

She tried her best to communicate.

He believed she was mocking him.

Dust.

All he could taste, was dust in the back of his throat while he managed to drag himself from the rubble that Homelander had tossed him through. Thick, tangled clouds mixed with the smell of iron, which had come from the couple thousands of people that the American clad supe' had managed to incinerate alongside trying to kill him. Soldier Boy clung to the dagger he kept on his belt, his firearm running out of ammo earlier when he had been firing warnings that held no effect to Homelander.

This is fuckin' useless. He thought.

Homelander emerged amidst the blooming chaos as the rest of Soldier Boys fuckwads tore through their own troubles. He noticed Butcher a few feet away from him.

"This is unexpected aye'?" The Brit muttered, almost chuckling.

He ignored the snide comment, returning his gaze to Homelander, who had made his escape as quickly as he could. Soldier boy, turned slowly towards Butcher who had gathered the rest of the boys, all giving him their undivided attention.

They staged a coup.

Those fuckers.

Soldier Boy took a huge step back to find the blonde supe' at his neck, shooting a full blast of energy into his chest which he had tried to block. Mother's Milk and Kimiko, ambushed from the side, while Butcher tried taking him to the ground. With much error, they had succeeded in weighing the large supe', MM pressing the sleeper mask over Soldier's mouth.

"I'm not going back--into that fucking box!" He huffed out, trying to shake the others from him.

He felt himself slipping, eyes beginning to droop, feeling helpless and weak as he dropped like a brick to asphalt.

Soldier Boy did--in fact--go back into that box.

-------------- 7 Years Later--------------

Lynyx Foster had been sitting in the living room of a potential new home while she filled out the rest of the paperwork with her sisters. The two smiling over her, while she provided her signature; Aaron and Grace the payment.

The real estate agent smiled half-hazardously. "Are you sure that this is the place? You know who used to live here, right?"

Aaron laughed while Grace seemingly enough ignore the woman downright. Lynyx was left unbothered, entranced by the minimally furnished space.

"We've already put a huge chunk in for a down payment. Who gives a shit who owned this place. This is a long time gift to our sister, she deserves it." Aaron spouted, her anger rising while her skin grew hotter.

The agent apologized profusely to Aaron, while handing over the title and keys over to her. Plucking them from her fingertips, the woman scurried off, leaving Aaron to happily skip towards her youngest sister, bending down to her level.

'Here you go sis'. Happy Birthday.' Aaron signs.

Lynyx grinned as the keys were dropped into the palms of her hands. Flailing her arms out of excitement she returned the reply.

'I'm happy.'

It took three days to finish unpacking her things into the new house. Nestled deep in the woods, she had never been happier than what she was at this moment. Her sisters closer than ever, a new job given to her, issued by her best friend, Lightening Bolt. He had been in charge of the majority of departments that dealt with superabled beings that were injected with Temp V and Compound V. Maybe this job would be beneficial to her as she was trying to finish her degree at the local college. However, Lynyx knew that he’d placed her somewhere with the least amount of work, and more free time to do what she wanted. She also knew that her time as a student would be shortened, hopefully she could work something out.

Thinking about work.

She’d be late if she didn’t leave now.

Lightening Bolt stood close to Grace Mallory and the Boys as the group of them glared directly at Bolt.

Mallory slowly faced Bolt, a frustrated look plastered on her face.

“This Ms. Foster, this is what she’ll be doing-“. He interrupted her.

“Keeping our friend company. Dope right? I’m paying her a shit ton for a useless job. From the way I see it. You guys will just have to be on call in case something goes south. She will be fine, promise Mallory.” Bolt laughed. He wiped a fake tear from his cheek.

“She is the most harmless little thing. Don’t worry.” Yet, Mallory did not believe him for once second. The older woman huffed; while the security door slid open.

Lynyx shuffled through the doorway and into the larger room. The yellowing, concrete walls felt suffocating to her. Ceiling lights made the space more dull, almost a sickeningly dim hue, that yellow. A group of people, a few of them she recognized as her friend Bolt and her sisters. The two girls sharing the same look of disdain for her new line of work. She ran her hands down her dress that was perfect for the autumn weather, decorated with patterns of leaves and the perfect shade of orange and brown. Lynnie fixed a stray curl of hair, pushing it out of her face as she held her attention to the group.

‘Hello. I’m Lynnie. Nice to meet you all.’

Butcher coughed, hiding a laugh as he nudged Hughie. MM, Frenchie and Kimiko were baffled at the small woman before them.

“Is the little cunt deaf?” asks Butcher.

Lightening Bolt gave him the death stare.

“Rethink your fucking statement right now.” He said.

Butcher raised his hands in defeat.

“Aye’ sorry. Didn’t mean to offend. She’s just a bit too sweetsy to be running with Supes’.” Butcher retorts, rubbing his beard.

Bolt rolls his eyes and beckons Lynnie forward, smiling.

‘Let’s get you started?’ He signs to her.

She smiles, replying. ‘I’m excited.’

Lightening Bolt guided her towards the black Cadillac, opening the door for her. She raised a brow, just as confused as everyone else was. He placed a hand on her own, trying his best to comfort her.

“It is going to be fun, I promise.” He smirks; Lynnie frowns, looking away out the window.

The drive down the winding roads were peaceful, only if Lynnie didn’t feel like she was being held hostage by her best friend and his comrades. She fiddled with the hem of her skirt. Bolt broke the silence between them all.

“You’ll be watching a friend of ours. They’ve been a bit of a hassle lately, but I assure you the company will get them up and listening.” He began.

Lynnie snapped her head to send Bolt a nervous glance. Was he being serious? Was he selling her off? She bounced her leg nervously trying to regain herself when the car halted, the dust clearing. Lightening Bolt and his group stepped out of the vehicle, as Lynnie peeked up to see more people, men—in heavy armor and gear. Loaded to the teeth with AR-15’s and 47’s. She gnawed at her bottom lip; Bolt snapped his fingers, car door open, to get her attention. He held out his hand for her to grab onto as she shimmied out of the car seat, feet planting onto the gravel driveway.

The house in front of her was almost in shambles. She shook as she heaved a short gasp. Her hands wrapped anxiously around Bolt’s arm as she clung to him. He shot a “please don’t be afraid” glance to her. Lynnie did not accept that look at all. Her eyes found the others, all of them holding the same look as her.

Everyone was scared too.

She froze, almost making Lightening Bolt fall face first into the rocks. He swivels around, trying to figure out what was wrong.

‘Tell me what is going on—this is not what I agreed to. Is this safe for me?’ She signed, Bolt bit his tongue.

“Lynnie, look. I may have sort of lied to you. You were my last resort, really you were. But, I don’t have anyone else and you are perfect and smart, especially when it comes to people . Our friend is in dire need of recoupment—because he is way out of his time.” Bolt held tightly to Lynnie’s hands as hers gripped on his arm.

“Can you do this for me, please?” He pleads.

Lynnie gazed upon the house, then back to her best friend. Letting go, she crossed her arms over her chest. Letting out an exasperated sigh she shakes her head, as her arm extends.

Lead the way. It read.

All the thoughts, feelings, and confusion flew out the window when her eyes landed on the man sitting at the table. His head was laid down on his arms, slightly angled away, his eyes glued to the window. Tugging Bolt's themed sweatshirt sleeve, she again stopped in the dreary space meant to represent a living room. Lynnie motioned to everything around her.

'Is this where he lives?' She signs. Bolt nods.

'This is four walls and barely a roof.' Lynnie continued.

Bolt rubbed his face and groaned. He knew that this was exactly what would happen when she came in here.

"Lynnie, where do you propose we take him? Can't take him to the city, he'll be a danger to everyone--including himself. Can't take him to a motel because then we would have to put that on the expense tab--" Lynnie held her hand over Bolt's mouth to stop him from talking.

Frantically she signed out a response.

"No. Absolutely not." Bolt disagreed.

The look in her eyes when she looked at him was heartbreaking. For a man she hasn't even met yet, she sure wanted to make his life better. That was always how it went. Bolt knew the woman in front of him was the same little girl he grew up with. Always sweet, little miss. She cared for others--a little too much, and always would give the shirt of her back if it meant making their day brighter. Now, she was giving him those doe eyes, the ones he could not say no to.

He mumbled a few curses under his breath.

"Go on, get to know him before I change my mind. I'll talk to the others about the placement change." He said reluctantly.

'Thank you.' She signed, her arms around his neck in a tight hug.

Lynnie let go to slowly approach the man sitting at the broken table in what seemed like a half-hazardous kitchen. Again, his eyes glued to the window, staring out at the wooded area that surrounded the house. She took this moment to take in how much bigger he was compared to her. Telling from a distance, he could of been a foot or so taller than her, his large hands holding his shoulder, the definitions of his muscled form piquing her interest. He was much larger, and much, much stronger than her. Lynnie had to be careful of what she would say or do. He could be extremely unstable. Or worse, he could kill her with those hands of his. She wandered over to him, the closer she drew the more nervous she had gotten once more. Making her way around the table, she bends her knees, ensuring that she was at eye level with him.

His iris's were the color of sea glass, the rarest shade of green she had ever seen before. Whether or not the Compound V that ran through his veins was the culprit behind how beautiful his eyes were. Lynnie made an attempt to read him, there was a hint of annoyance in his eyes, and the ever so clenched jaw made it apparent that she was in his way. She smiled, waving to him, as she dusted the dirty floor to make room as she plopped down to sit.

"Who the fuck are you, princess?" He blurted out, raising his head up to sit straight in his chair, arms folded over that same muscled chest. Lynnie remained on the floor, with the same small smile.

'My name is Lynnie.' She began to motion her hands, slowly to make sure he could understand.

Alas, he didn't, sitting there with some offended expression plastered there. Bolt entered the room to intervene.

"Sparky, aren't you a delight to see." The man says, combing his fingers through his beard. Fuck, he needed to shave this shit, his hair needed a proper cut and he was in definite need of a hot shower; some hot food would be a nice addition too. Butcher, Bolt and the boys hadn't been the best company. The man placed his hand back into the crossed position they were before, a heavy sigh following after.

"Fuck you, Soldier Boy." Bolt started, Lynnie's eyes darted back to Soldier Boy's.

"If it were Herogasm, I would have taken you up on that offer. Though, I doubt you'd wake me up again for a quick fuck, gay boy." Soldier Boy joked, chuckling.

"I can still put you back in that fucking box, asshole. For the rest of your miserable, sad life. However, I have orders to give you, with the possibility of you walking free." Lightening Bolt gritted his teeth, the idea Soldier Boy being able to walk around in modern society as a free man was unnerving to him.

Lynnie continued to sit as the two bickered back and forth. She fidgeted once more with the hem of her skirt.

"Who's the girl, Sparky? Is she some cheap whore you hired or--" Soldier Boy did not get to finish his statement before he was falling back in his chair, his back colliding to the ground.

"Don't fucking talk about her like that, sick fuck." Lynnie got up to tug Bolt back, as she firmly shoved him back. Though he barely budged, she was able to quickly get through to him.

Soldier Boy laughed as he got up, brushing himself off. He picked up the broken chair, holding it in his left hand, eyes filled to the brim with a dangerous feel to them. The corners of his mouth twitched up into a heinous smile. He cracked his neck.

"You pack quite a punch nowadays, Sparky. I'll have fun teaching you who's in charge again." He made a quick quip, stepping forward and with one smooth motion, brought the chair up to potentially break even more over Bolt's head.

Lynnie shimmied herself between the two supers, both hands on either of their chests. Patting them repeatedly, Bolt as well as Soldier Boy stared down at her.

Soldier Boy huffs, tossing the chair to the side, Butcher and his men had entered through the back door to make sure everything was all right.

"Seems like princess here saved your ass. I wouldn't want the lil' lady to have to see a fight. You know...it's polite." Soldier Boy gave a toothy grin before tossing his attention to Lynnie. His head snapping down at her.

His eyes, were hungrily searching hers for any sort of weakness, but for Lynnie, she continued to give him a sweet, savory smile. She removed her hand from their chests, bringing both her arms back to sign to him. He ignored her and faced Bolt who still stood only a few feet away again.

"You're going to be put with my friend here so you can learn how to handle yourself in today's world. Seven years ago you may have gotten a nice little dip in the water, got your dick wet a bit. It is a lot crazier now, then what it was seven years ago, dickhead." Bolt stated leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.

"Ah, so shagging me up with a babysitter. How thoughtful. Could not thank you enough--"

"Shut your mouth, prick. You are getting a second chance at life. I'd fucking take this as a reason to do as your told. Starting with listening to my friend here. She is going to be overseeing every single little thing you do, and you are going to listen to her. Okay? Is that easy for you to understand or would you like foe me to dumb it down for you some more?" Bolt had removed himself from his position on the wall to be only inches away from Soldier Boy's face, noses almost touching.

"Yeah, yeah. I get it." Soldier Boy began, his lips quivered.

"Good. I am so happy you understand, asshole." He then gestured to Lynnie who waited patiently.

"This is Lynyx Foster. She is going to make sure you are up to date on how to be a decent human being." Bolt then checked his watch for the time.

"Now that being said, come on, let's get you to where you'll be staying, dickhead." Bold said, eagerly trudging away from Soldier Boy and out the front door.

The Cadillac screeched to a halt at the end of the long winding driveway up the wooded hill, thick with trees and brush. Soldier Boy narrowed his eyes, not trusting anything that was happening. Lynnie had unbuckled her seatbelt, stepping out of the car, grabbing her bag as Bolt did the same. Soldier Boy followed after, curiously looking around. They were the only car at the time, but he could sense Butcher and his friends scattered in the woods watching them. Soldier Boy was not stupid, he knew that there would always be someone watching him. Soldier Boy went back to the two people in front of him. Bolt throwing signs towards the girl as she did the same in return. She threw her arms around Bolt in a tight hug, and he kissed her on the top of the head.

"Be safe, goofball. I'll be back at the end of the week." Bolt says as she nods.

The two watched as the Cadillac pulled away, Lynnie took the chance and made her way to Soldier Boy.

'Let's go.' she signed.

Soldier Boy just stood there, stunned. Lynnie soon rolled her eyes at him, a bit of a giggle escaping her throat as she grabbed his hand, guiding him up the long driveway. She let go once he went with her, the walk silent for a bit before he broke through the silence with a sigh.

'Okay?' She cocked her head and furrowed her brows as she signed her concern.

Soldier Boy gave the same look of confusion as he froze in his tracks. She gave a soft frustrated breath while she drew closer to the man frozen in place. She gazed up at him, while he looked down upon her. The two staring at each other for only a moment.

'Are you okay?' she signed again.

"Fuck me. Quit throwing your gang signs, woman. It was funny back at the safe house, but now it's getting on my fucking nerves." Soldier Boy spat.

Lynnie was taken aback. She shook her head, taking his hands in hers. She guided his hands to cup over her ears, then tow his own, then back to hers. She sucked in a shaky breath and opened her mouth to speak.

"I-- am-- deaf. I have hear-ing aids. I--can hear you. Hard--to--talk. A--S--L." Lynnie murmured, the patchy words that she spoke definitely got across pretty quickly.

Soldier Boy scoffed, a mixture of disappointment, confusion, even a bit of admiration flooded his emotions. He was absolutely flabbergasted at his situation right now. Lynnie took his hand once again and he walked alongside her in silence, reaching her front doorstep.

"Holy fuck. This is your place?" She turned to him and nodded, pulling out her house keys from her back to unlock the door.

Pushing the door open, she beckoned him inside, that little sweet smile never fading.

She sucked in another breath.

"Home."

[flamechar33]

I am only posting enough about some Sonic AUs I've had in mind for context for an image I've come up with that I don't think I can just Not share: This entire chain of AU ideas started when I was in my mid/late teens when I started reading Ghosts of the Future (that Future AU written by Ian Flynn Evan Stanley, don't know how I got that wrong ) and after catching up I ended up thinking up a Future AU of that set after GUN's been defeated. All that's relevant of what I called GofT Whirlwind is:

The 'main' character who I'll refer to as the originally planned last name Hunter is a descendant of Infinite and son of a famous Extreme Gear racer known as the 6th Black Baron, who originally was a member of GUN before a whole Plot happened and ended up on the other side and taking up the mantle of his dad's opposing racer the Red Rider. (He was a faded green wolf originally but now I'm thinking that Hunter and his dad should be Jackals. Also I could go into depth about his suit as the Red Rider and how it isn't necessarily red. Also I can't remember if the notion of Chaos Powers was introduced in GotF or if I just expanded/made it up from somewhere, but his ability was Chaos Sight which gave him...essentially Eagle Vision from AC? idk I was inspired by the tracking mechanic from Lego Lord of the Rings. There's also just too many OCs from this to talk about Just in this post so, like, ask I guess.)

The only other OC I will mention is sleeper agent murder android fox who very much does not like 4 of those 5 words and ends up defecting before Hunter. She's called Sabina, probably more of the protagonist than Hunter is at first.

Tails uploaded his mind immediately post death to become an AI. He gets a robot body after being stuck inside the Tornado up until (reads notes) Story Chapter 2 of...5? (the entire Plot I mentioned earlier? That's just Chapter number 1)

Also there's another noteable part of this AU which is that Infinite had a sister who survived/left, who had a son who ended up as a part of the batch of Rookies and the main one's best friend. Remember this later

Then I ended up making an AU of the Dark GotF AU (where Shadow died instead) with Hunter having things A Lot Worse. His family died in a resistance raid and he nearly burnt to death, only to be taken by the GUN higher ups and made into a living chimera weapon who could absorb Chaos powers through absorbing blood. His deal in this AU is that when he gets introduced he pretty much only likes Silver, and that he disguises his nature with a longcoat, gloves, orange tinted glasses and a lot of other things to hide the wings and tail...and pretty much everything but his head.

That's the past context: onto this year, where Adult Me is looking back and brainstorming/rethinking again, while I'm also looking at IDW comics - especially Surge. I looked at Surge and Kit, I looked at Dark GotF Hunter, and said "yeah this could be fun" So onto the last AU of this, this time of IDW. A bad future ends up happening with Eggman Empire in control because Surge ended up killing Sonic, so Silver ended up going back in time to help Sonic. Hunter ended up going back in time as well to also stop Surge but meets them and goes "wow ok these guys need help." Sabrina also comes back in time but everyone thinks she's here to stop them from Preventing Sonic's death.

Long Story Short Surge ends up unable to kill Sonic, Sabrina finally gets to reveal that No she's here to stop Hunter because he gets all the Chaos Powers and ends up getting a vision that Maybe drives him insane/is him being possessed. I would have kept that as a surprise but Hunter going and releasing Infinite from the Phantom Ruby as his right hand man is important. But eventually everyone (except Sonic) wins and the future is changed again with only the timetravellers remembering the whole deal.

A later incident ends up with the planet from two different times (present and Silver's future) being in each other's sky. Another long story but basically Infinite joins Eggman and the future villain because he learnt from last time that he has surviving family, and basically Hunter redeems himself during this whole thing and takes Infinite to go see his sister (leading to him retiring). AI Tails also appears from the future world.

Then there's story set exclusively in the future, which I'm Not going to spoil since If I write it well it's going to have some really good twists, but I ended up thinking about in this future Surge and Kit being immortal due to whatever Starline did to them (Kit's also taller now) and them being part of Gun, and a bit where Shadow and Robo Tails meeting up with them (Tails is not allowed in Kit's stuff) ended up during the thinking process having Surge say something along the lines of "the hangout's not today".

So yeah, the image: Shadow, Surge, Kit, Robo AI Tails, Infinite, Metal and Mecha Sonic all sitting around at their usual immortals hangout session.

That's it, that's the entire reason I've released the knowledge of 3 of my Sonic AUs out into the wild. dropping this and seeing what happens overnight

[talatomaz]

lockdown | jj x fem!teen!reader

a/n: i can’t believe that a year ago today, the last ever episode of criminal minds aired. i miss jj so much 🤧

this is sort of in line with my own experiences (to a certain extent). and there’s not as much jj x d!r as i’d intended but I hope you still like it.

(feedback/positive comments are appreciated)

requested by @ouat2017 : “could you do a jj x daughter where the daughter’s school is on lockdown and jj is worried or something like that?”

warnings: gun violence. blood

word count: 2.6k

masterlist | request list | request rules

r is jj’s 18 year old adopted daughter and suddenly finds herself on lockdown after someone brings a gun into her school

i do not give you permission to repost or translate my fics on any platform - likes/reblogs are okay and are much appreciated

“Look, you’re the one that needs to be tutored so can you please focus?”

You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest in annoyance.

You were currently in the tutoring centre trying to help a self-absorbed jock pass English so he could remain on the school’s football team.

Looking around you, you saw a handful of students giving both you and Cameron - the man-child you were tutoring - disparaging looks.

“You’re not supposed to be yelling at me. You’re meant to be telling me the answers.”

The aforementioned narcissist leaned against his chair, smirking at you in a way that made you fight to hide a shudder.

You could have easily wiped the grin off his face by mentioning who your mother was and who she worked for but instead, you decided to just continue ignoring his advances and carry on teaching him.

“That’s not how this works, Cameron. Now either you listen to me or you fail and get kicked off the team. And quite frankly, I’d rather the latter happen.”

You watched as his brows furrowed in confusion. Sighing, you answered, “latter means the second thing of two things mentioned in a sentence. Now, for the love of God, just finish writing your paragraph on Heller's satire of capitalism in Catch-22.”

You let out a breath of relief when he finally relented and started to scribble on his sheet of paper. You glanced over at one of your friends, who was also tutoring for extra credit, and smiled when she rolled her eyes at Cameron’s actions.

Leaning against the large desk that stood at the front of the room, you relished in the long-awaited silence aside from hushed whispers that came from other students asking for help.

Taking out your phone, you glanced at the screen to see that it was only midday and soon the lunch bell would be ringing.

You smiled softly at your lock screen.

It was a photo of you and JJ, your adoptive mother.

It was taken a few weeks prior at your 18th birthday party. You’d been living with JJ for almost 5 years now; her having fostered you before later adopting you when you were 14.

You still didn’t know what she saw in you on that day you’d first met her - you’d lost your family in a home invasion, barely surviving yourself - but whatever it was, you were grateful because you’d gotten a second chance at life.

Several minutes passed and you’d only broken from your train of thought when you heard someone clearing their throat beside you.

Looking over your shoulder, you saw your friend, the one who’d rolled her eyes earlier at Cameron, standing beside you.

“I see you finally got him to do his work.” She whispered, loud enough for your ears only.

“Barely. He still has an essay to write and hasn’t even finished a paragraph yet.”

“I would have smacked his sorry ass by now.”

You laughed before clamping your hand over your mouth, her comment having caught you off guard.

“Ally!” You whisper-shouted, playfully hitting her arm.

She looked at you with a raised eyebrow causing you to smirk, “Trust me, I’ve thought about it but-”

Before you could finish your sentence, a large bang rang out, shattering the silence the room had once held.

With wide eyes, your head whipped to the door where the gunshot had presumably come from and you listened as the hallways were filled with panicked screams.

Running to the door, ignoring the gasps and shouts from the other students behind you, you turned the lock on the door, pulled down the blinds, switched off the lights and jammed a chair under the handle.

Looking up, you saw everyone had the same look of panic in their eyes; a few were crying, including Ally, and others were pale with shock, Cameron was one of them.

“Guys, we’re gonna be okay but we have to be quiet.” You whispered harshly, constantly looking over your shoulder at the door, listening for any indication of the shooter coming your way.

Everyone stared at you, as if you were the leader of a camp and they were small children awaiting for further instruction.

You supposed it wasn’t far off.

By taking charge, you were the one who’d been unwillingly given the role of protector.

“First things first,” you walked over to the group of 10 students, “I need you all to make sure your phones are on silent. We can’t risk being caught.”

You watched as everyone followed your instructions.

“I know you all want to call your parents but that’s going to attract attention to us so for right now, we need to be quiet.”

Your heart was beating out of your chest and as you spoke, one thought repeated in your head. JJ.

Taking out your phone, you scrolled to find your mother’s name in your contacts. You watched as your thumb hovered over her name.

Just breathe, y/n. Breathe.

Tapping your mother’s name, you brought the phone to your ear.

“I thought you said we couldn’t call anyone.”

Your eyes locked onto Cameron’s, his face pale and his eyes filled with terror and a hint of anger.

“My Mum works for the FBI.” You whispered as the phone rang out.

Any other time and you probably would have laughed at the way his face grew paler, if that was even possible. But, in a situation this tense, it was going to be difficult to find any levity.

Your Mum picked up on the second ring and you let out a shaky breath when you heard her voice.

“Hi baby. A bit early for your lunch, isn’t it?”

You closed your eyes at her soft tone, as if you were trying to engrave the way she spoke into your mind lest you would never hear it again.

From your lack of response, the blonde sensed there was something up, “Y/N? What’s wrong?”

A single tear dropped down your cheek as you struggled to maintain a steady tone. Catching a glimpse of Ally staring at you, you steeled yourself and spoke.

“Mum, you need to come quick. Someone’s brought a gun into school.”

“Oh my-AARON.”

You winced when you heard her shout for her boss, listening as you could hear her run up stairs. You held your breath as she filled Hotch in on what was happening before telling Garcia to hack into your school’s security system.

“Are you okay? Stupid question. But are you hurt?”

“Mum,” you interrupted her rambling, “I’m fine. I’m in the tutoring centre with 10 other people. I don’t know how many people are injured. It just all happened so fast.”

“It’s okay, baby. You’re gonna be okay.”

Though you could hear the clear panic in her voice, her words did bring some form of reassurance to you.

“Penelope’s hacking into the system so hopefully she can have eyes soon.”

As she spoke, you could hear the clacking of keys in the background of the call; presumably Garcia doing exactly what JJ said.

“Mum?” You questioned when you heard Garcia swear.

Instead of JJ answering, the usually peppy tech analyst replied, her voice shaky and wet, as if she was crying.

“Y/N, thank God you’re okay.”

“What’s wrong, Garcia?”

“Someone’s disabled the cameras remotely. I can only get them back online if someone reprograms them from the inside.”

Grasping what she was explaining, you nodded, “I’ll fix them.”

“What? No!”

Your mother had taken the phone off of Garcia.

“You are not leaving that room, y/n. We’ll find another way in.”

“Mum, someone needs to fix the system from inside the school. I need to do it.”

Ignoring your mother’s worried shouts, you continued to speak, “Mum, I have to. I love you.”

You disconnected the phone and switched it off, preventing her from being able to call you back.

“Y/N, you are not leaving this room.”

You’d only just realised that everyone had been watching you intently during that entire interaction.

“Yes, I am.”

Moving away from the huddle, you rose to your feet and replied to your friend.

Cameron rose to his feet and towered over you as he challenged you, “No, you are not. You’re going to put us in danger.”

“Do you know how to hack into our school’s security system and then reconnect the transformer and enter the Mastercode?”

His face contorted to a look of confusion making you reply,

“Exactly.”

Turning to leave, you felt a large hand enclose around your arm.

“I said, you’re not leaving.”

Your eyes flickered from Cameron’s hand up to his face that dared you to take another step.

“Remove your hand from my arm before I remove your hand from your body. You may letter in football but I’ve been trained by some of the best FBI agents there are and unless you want to end up in a sleeper hold, I suggest you shut up and do what I say for once.”

His harsh grip almost immediately lessened as his hand returned to his side.

“Good. Now, have any of you been shot? No? I didn’t think so. Well, I have and whoever did get shot is probably bleeding out in the hallway. I can’t not do anything.”

No one dared to respond and instead, shook their head ‘no’ at your asking if anyone else would try to stop you.

Content that you weren’t going to deal with any more unnecessary distractions, you made your way to the door and gently removed the chair that was beneath the handle.

“Ally, you’re in charge. Lock the door when I leave. By my count, the FBI will be here soon. And Cameron, you do anything stupid and I’ll shoot you myself.”

Unlocking the door, you stepped out into the empty hallway and hastily made your way to where the main security hub was located.

Just a couple of hours ago, all you had wished for was silence but now that your wish had been granted, all you wanted was to hear the playful shouts and conversations between your friends and fellow students.

The silence that currently fell on your school was unnerving and unbearable. And with each step you took, you flinched at the sound your shoes made against the marble floor. Each noise practically acting as a beacon for the shooter to come find you.

You let out a sigh of relief when you found the Hub and you quickly worked to reconnect the security system. Typing on the laptop that rested atop one of the servers, you couldn’t help the smile that formed when all the cameras re-engaged.

Tapping on one of the keys, you navigated through the various cameras, looking for any indication of the shooter or of any injured people. You stopped when you caught a glimpse of someone.

Squinting at the screen, you saw, what appeared to be a freshman - since you didn’t recognise him as being a part of your year - laying on the ground, a hand clutching his stomach as blood coated his clothing.

Immediately knowing where he was, you cautiously made your way to the east hallway before running when you noticed him laying on the ground, his blood coating the once-white marble floor.

Falling to your knees, you pressed your hands against his wound, trying to stop the steady flow. He groaned out in pain, tears staining his face.

“H-Help me.” He choked out.

“What’s your name?”

“Jackson. But everyone c-calls me J-Jack.”

“Jack, you’re going to be okay. I just need you stay with me, okay? I’m-”

“Y/N.”

You failed to hide the surprise from your face making the younger teen smile despite his predicament.

“You’re t-tutoring Cameron. Everyone knows who you are. Y-You’re the one who doesn’t take any of his shit. I think h-he likes you.”

“Well, tough shit for him. I may be bi but he’s definitely not my type.”

Jack’s laugh quickly turned into another groan of pain.

Unzipping your jacket with one hand, you used the other to keep pressure on his wound. After removing the jacket, you harshly pressed it against his torso and watched as it barely absorbed the blood.

“I’m gonna die, aren’t I?”

“No, you’re not. I won’t let you.” You said, tears filling in your eyes as memories rushed back of when you tried to save your brother after he’d been shot.

“You’re going to be okay. I just need you to-”

You stilled when you heard footsteps come up behind you.

“Well, what do we have here?”

You didn’t recognise the voice and couldn’t bring yourself to turn around to face the person who’d caused all this pain.

You opened your mouth before closing it again, unsure of what to say.

Closing your eyes, you readied yourself for your inevitable death when a shot rang out and a body slumped to the ground beside you.

Jumping at the action, you turned around and almost collapsed in relief at what you saw. Your Mum and her team stood behind you with several SWAT members flanking them.

The tears that had once filled your eyes now spilled shamelessly down your cheeks.

Without saying a word, JJ holstered her gun and ran to your side, hugging you as best she could since your hands were still pressed against Jack’s wound.

Paramedics soon followed and after that it was all a blur. It was as if you were floating outside of your body. Logically, you knew it was the effects of an adrenaline crash but you felt so disconnected from your body.

You barely took note as your mother gently lifted you to your feet, allowing you to be briefly looked over by the paramedics. Nor as your mother escorted you to one of the school bathrooms where she rinsed the blood off your hands.

You didn’t even say a word until you’d arrived back at the BAU where a worried Penelope wrapped you in a tight hug which you returned.

“I’m gonna take her up to my old office, Hotch.”

The Unit Chief simply nodded as he and the rest of the team watched as JJ led you to the abandoned office that was still filled with random case files.

Closing the door, she sat you down on her sofa and stared at you, not touching you in fear that even a simple caress would cause you to shatter.

You exhaled a long breath before finally speaking, “I’m sorry.”

Her brows narrowed, “Sorry? Sweetheart, why?”

You looked at your hands that had been coated in blood less than an hour before and then up at your mother; her blue eyes filled with nothing but concern, love and confusion.

“You told me not to leave and I did. I’m sorry.”

And with that, you started to cry heart-wrenching sobs that made your shoulders shake.

JJ gathered you in her arms, gently rocking you as her long blonde hair draped over you.

“It’s okay, y/n. I got you, baby. You’re safe now.”

Her arms wrapped tightly around you as she laid soft kisses on your head, her hand stroking your back.

That only served to make you burrow into her even more, seeking comfort in her motherly embrace.

You muttered your apologies as she continued to reassure you that you were okay.

JJ was afraid that if she stopped, you wouldn’t be here, safe in her arms.

Still rocking you in her arms, she whispered in your ear,

“I got you, baby. You’re safe now.”

[drwcn]

concubine/sleeper agent!wwx and prince!lwj bullshit continues: 

[story board 1] -  The two empires and the Imperial Lan Family [story board 2] -  WWX, Qishan Wen’s sleeper agent   [story board 3] -  The inner court (harem) of Hanguang Manor, prior to WWX

→ [Story Board 4] - “A-Xian”, the attendant of Jiang Yanli 

Wei Wuxian lived with the Jiangs for 2 years. After he came to Gusu as a 16-yro, he charmed/scammed his way into the Jiang manor, won the favour of Jiang Fengmian, the affection of Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng, and waited.  For a long time, no further instructions were given to him from Wen Ruohan. Then, one day, he saw Zhao Zhuliu on the streets of the Capital. Zhao Zhuliu was the head of Wen Ruohan’s intelligence bureau and incidentally, was also Wei Wuxian and Xue Yang’s shifu.  

— “Shifu, does bixia finally have an assignment for me?”  — “He does. Jiang Yanli is set to marry Lan Wangji. You are to find a way to accompany her to Hanguang-fu and get close to him.”  — “Close to him as in...?”  — “Any means necessary. He has a harem already, so you will not be the only one vying for his attention. Do think you can handle it?”  — “Well I don’t know, shifu,” responded WWX coyly. “ Word on the street is that this Hanguang-wang prefers pretty men. His ce-wangfu Jin Ziyan is famous for his handsomeness, and that mianshou Mo Xuanyu he keeps around is a looker too. Do you think I’ve grown pretty enough?” — “You seem very aware of his household, I’m surprised.”  — “Bixia sent me here to observe and learn; I’ve not been idle.”  

Wei Wuxian knew Jiang Yanli was set to marry Lan Wangji before she even knew herself. This was not a coincidence. Originally, three years ago, when Lan Wangji was first choosing members of his harem, Jiang Yanli had been considered, but at the time Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan were already engaged to be wed. Jin Zixuan had promised Jiang Yanli that as soon as he passed the imperial scholarly exam and secured a position for himself in His Majesty’s court based on his own merit and not on the influence of his father Jin-guogong (Duke Jin), that he and Yanli would marry. It was a marriage that his late mother had arranged with her best friend Yu Ziyuan, and both Yanli and Zixuan were amenable to it. However, when Jin Zixuan finally passed the exam and ranked 6th in the national polling, he chose to take a position far away from the capital and left without a word of affirmation regarding the engagement. The position was an important one given to Jin Zixuan by Emperor Lan Xichen himself and so in some ways, it was understandable that he could not refused. After Jin Zixuan left the capital, Jin Guangshan went to his “old friend” Jiang Fengmian and “apologized” profusely on his son’s behalf, spewing all sorts of words about how a young man ought to make his way in this world and such. However, this left the Jiangs in an awkward position. Jiang Yanli was 21 yrs old, already older than any unwed noble lady should be. The Jiangs were angry with this outcome, but given the politics of it, they could not say much...and that was when Lianfang-jun Meng Yao revisited an idea that had been put aside three years ago. — “Hanguang-wang...desires to marry A-Li?” Jiang Fengmian was somewhat flabbergasted. “But...” — Meng Yao smiled, “Jiang-houye*, three years ago I came on behalf of er-di to broker a marriage between our two families, but you and Yu-furen both refused on account of her engagement with Jin-xiao-gongye. But I must say ling’ai* is a fine young woman, eloquent and mild-mannered and would make a fine wangfei* some day.” — “Wangfei? but -” — “Yes, Hanguang-wang did say he would choose his own princess or prince consort, but as you can see, even with Jin Ziyan as he ce-wangfu, Qin-fu’ren and Luo-fu’ren at his side, our prince has not shown any desire for any of them to be his legal spouse. He is still waiting, searching, and who’s to say Jiang-gu’niang is not equal if not better than the lot of them?” 

What the Jiangs didn’t know was that Jin Guangshan was a traitor and had already sold his loyalty to Wen Ruohan, who promised him to make him a fanwang* when Qishan eventually annexed Gusu. JGS was a mole inside Gusu’s government secretly helping to further Wen Ruohan’s agenda. Nevertheless, Wen Ruohan wanted Wei Wuxian to get close to Lan Wangji, because as helpful as Jin Guangshan was, he was never fully trusted by the royal family and did not know their inner workings. Breaking Jiang Yanli’s marriage with Jin Zixuan was just a matter of convenience. Jin Guangshan was not fussed regarding a simple marriage when the reward would be much greater. As per WRH’s instruction, he used his influences in court to maneuver Lan Xichen into giving Jin Zixuan a position far away from the capital, thus removing his son from the dangerous political atmosphere and freeing up Jiang Yanli as a potential concubine for Lan Wangji. Then, Jin Guangshan sat back and allowed Meng Yao to finish the game that he started. Meng Yao was not a willing participant. He loved Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue but Jin Guangshan held the secret to his past and thus a noose around his neck. Everyone in court knew that Lianfang-jun Meng Yao was once a lieutenant in Nie Mingjue’s army and later became his personal secretary. He was known for his wit and silver tongue and the charming dimples on his cheeks whenever he smiled. However, not many knew that Meng Yao was the bastard son of Jin Guangshan and a prostitute. Meng Shi’s hope was that one day her son would be legitimized by his father, but alas her hopes were in vain. A child born to a whore would be condemned to a live in the “jian” caste unless otherwise freed. It was Nie Mingjue who chose to raise Meng Yao above his station and respected him as a person for the first time in his life. When Nie Mingjue and his long-time sweetheart the crown prince Lan Xichen were set to marry, Meng Yao thought his days of freedom would be over. To his surprise, Nie Mingjue opted to bring him back with him from the borderlands where Nie Mingjue’s battalion was stationed and introduce him to court and to Lan Xichen. It seemed almost impossible that Lan Xichen would love him as unapologetically as Nie Mingjue, but somehow he did. Meng Yao became the only concubine person in Lan Xichen’s harem other than Fengjun Nie Mingjue. Life was perfect, so perfect in fact Meng Yao even entertained the idea of coaxing Lan Xichen to take on a lady or two to be his concubine so that the palace could be filled with little ones. Of course he’d be a little jealous...but they would have children...and Lan Xichen loved babies.  Then of course, Jin Guangshan found out who he was, and from that point on, Meng Yao was no longer a free man. Every single moment of his life, his father threatened him with exposure. If anyone were to find out just how unseemly his origin had been, how not only was his mother a prostitute, but he himself had been nearly no different (given to the Nies as a gift by a stupid pandering official), his life would be over. At the very least Lan Xichen would be forced to banish him, at the worst, he’d be dead. Oh there would be no public announcement of course, but it would be said that he had taken ill and succumbed to his frail health, and with his death the smear on the Lan imperial family would be cleansed.  Meng Yao didn’t want to die, so he did as Jin Guangshan asked, even when the ask became Nie Mingjue’s life. (But NMJ isn’t really dead...Meng Yao was nothing if not a fighter. He could not let the father who’d cursed him to a less than hellish existence take away from him the first man who’d ever shown him love and kindness.)   — “Jiang Yanli must marry Lan Wangji.” Jin Guangshan instructed. “And you must ensure that when she does, the boy goes with her.”   — “What boy?”  — “The ward of Jiang Fengmian: Wei Wuxian.” 

So when Meng Yao came to speak with Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan, naturally he brought up the subject of Lan Wangji’s “preference.”  “The Qin family did very well in this regard. They were quite clever in allowing Mo Xuanyu to serve Hanguang-wang; the boy is too low-born to be of any threat. Even if Hanguang-wang’s harem of today becomes the imperial harem of tomorrow, Mo Xuanyu would not be more than a mianshou. His success, on the other hand, would ensure that Hanguang-wang’s favour stay with the Qin family. As we can see, their effort was not in vain. Qin Su became with child rather swiftly. Little Kaisong was born more no later than three months after Jingyi.” Meng Yao explained the delicate nature of the situation to the Jiangs. “If Jiang-guniang is to marry Hanguang-wang, forgive me for my boldness, but she would be wise to bring a male attendant of her own. Wangji is kind and would honour her as his concubine, but the man cannot control his inclinations, as none of us could.”  Yu Ziyuan exchanged a look with Jiang Fengmian. Yanli was older now; waiting for Jin Zixuan to keep his promise had delayed her and possibly ruined her prospects. If this marriage to Lan Wangji were to succeed... he is an honourable man who treated all his concubines equally and with respect. If he grew to like Yanli enough to make her his legal spouse as Meng Yao seemed to think is possible...then one day she would be Empress.  — “Hanguang-wang’s preference is men. Would he not prefer to have a wangfu instead of a wangfei?” Jiang Fengmian was still hesitant.  — “Indeed I’m sure he would, but politics being what it is...” Meng Yao sighed. “I’m sure Wangji understands that having the mother of his heir be his wangfei and his future empress is the best course of action to ensure the stability of the nation. We certainly have no shortage of examples to learn from in history: a shuchu prince with competing shuchu brothers walks a perilous road.”  — “Lianfang-jun is wise.” Yu Ziyuan nudged her husband. “Which young man do you suggest we include in the bridal party?”  — “That I have not decided, which is why I’ve come to see you today. Jiang-fu is a large manor, surely there must be some servants worthy to catch the eye of our Hanguang-wang. Yu-fu’ren, why don’t you assemble them, and we can have a pick?”  — “Lianfang-jun, that is a delightful idea.” 

Wei Wuxian was not surprised at all when all the young men of Jiang-fu under 21 and above 16 were assembled in a courtyard. He scanned the crowd; there were about 20-ish of them. One by one, they were beckoned forward, and when it was his turn, he walked with his head bowed towards the man sitting under the eave on a luxurious wicker chair, holding a fan. The fan was very expensive, drawn by an artist in the previous dynasty. An antique. This must be Zewu-di’s* only concubine, Meng Yao.  — “Greetings to Lianfang-jun.”  — “Raise your head, boy, let me take a good look at you.”  — Wei Wuxian obeyed. Meng Yao looked him over once, appraising and evaluating, before making a pleased little noise. “Hm. Your name?” —  “Wei Wuxian.”  —  “Wei...Wuxian?” Meng Yao gave a pretty laugh. “A rather boastful name for so young a person. My, but you are a lovely thing. Tell me, what is your age?”  —  “Eighteen.”   —  “Eighteen, excellent. It’s unfortunate that your name isn’t something a little more humble. What does your family call you?” —  “My family calls me A-Xian, dianxia.” — “Well A-Xian, if I were to tell you that you’ve been chosen to accompany Jiang-gu’niang to serve Hanguang-wang, what say you?”  — WWX thought *I’d say Lan Wangji better sleep with one eye open*, but said with a gracious and deferring bow of his head, “That would be my honour.” 

[next]

Note: 

houye - marquess ling’ai - a formal way to address someone else’s daughter  wangfei - princess consort  fanwang - a type of high-ranking prince with their own region/land to govern and possibly even their own army to command under imperial rule.  Zewu-di - emperor zewu. 

[softhxtch]

TITTLE: Just Be Here

SUMMARY: Reader just finished a case and her husband, Aaron Hotchner is always there to support her. 

PAIRING: female! reader x Aaron Hotchner

CHARACTERS: reader, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss and David Rossi (literally for a second), Allison (OC)

WARNINGS: child assault and abuse; mentions of misscariage, alcohol usage, body fluids (blood, urine, vomit), pornography.

WORD COUNT: 3,5K

A/N: am i back? i don’t know hahah, but it’s something, right? again in this story Jack doesn’t really exist, sorry. and again CAC - Crimes Against Children.

'Hey, sweetie. You're safe, okay? Nobody's gonna hurt you anymore.', you whispered taking little girl into your arms. She was sobbing quietly with tears falling down her pink cheeks. She was no more than three years old, still in her purple pajamas, that were dirty form all the body fluids person can imagine and also dirty room she was held in. 'You're safe, Allison. You're safe.', you kept repeating and little girl just held her hands around you even tighter.

You looked around the room and the whole sight was just horrible. No windows, barely any lights, cages, blood and urine all over the floor. Just an awful place to be in let alone to live for months. Even the smallest thought of what was going on before the whole team came in gave you shivers and blood started to boil inside you. The place was there for years at that point and no one knew about it. You were just looking at your teammates, taking the rest of the kids out of the building. Some were crying, some were screaming and some were just clinging to the agents hoping that they would never comeback. And they never will. You would make sure of that.

' Allison, we have to go.', you said quietly, trying not to scare her. But little girl just shook her head and tightened her arms around your neck. 'We have to go. You need to see a doctor. It's scary, I know, but I'm gonna be with you all the time, okay?'

It wasn't easy to convince Allison to come out of the building, but after some negotiations and conversations with you she agreed. You're holding her in your arms as close as possible, trying to avoid the blue and red lights that were blinding both of you in the dark night.

Hospitals were always the last place that you're wanted to be. If you were the it only meant that either someone from your team or family was injured or one of the victims from your case were in tragic condition.

To put it straight, hospitals were never a good sign.

But you couldn't go home, not just yet. You promised Allison, that you would be with her this whole time, so you were also there when she got a check up from the pediatrician. You were holding her hand, caressing the back of it from time to time just to reassure her that you're there. Sometimes your would just add how great she was doing and how strong it is.

'Home.', Allison whined as doctor was checking on one of her bruised legs. Few tears fell down her cheeks, which made your hear break. It was horrible to seeing anyone in that position, but especially a child.

'You're doing great, Allison. Just few more minutes, okay?', you said quietly, taking hair out of her forehead.

'I just need to check the other leg and then you can have a long nap, till morning. How does that sound?', doctor asked and written down something on her notepad.

'I think it's great! Do you, Sonnie?', you said with a happy voice, looking at a little girl. She just nodded, still pouting from her cry few seconds ago. 'I'll be right back.', you said when you heard familiar phone ring. Doctor nodded understanding, but Allison held your hand not wanting to let you go. ' Allison, I'll be back in few minutes. I just need to answer that call, okay? You will be able to see me through the glass. I'm not going anywhere and until then you'll stay with Doctor Ashley.', you explained.

She wasn't convinced at all. It took you few more minutes for to actually let go of your hand. You explained everything a least three times. Doctor eyed you few times, but you just tried to ignore her. After years of working with children you knew how long it sometimes takes to convince them. Especially the ones that have been seriously hurt. They just wanted someone to be with them through the whole process and you understood it one hundred percent.

You sent Allison a small smile, saying one more time, that you'll be back in few minutes. After that you left the room and took out phone, dialing number that called you before.

'Hi.', you heard deep, yet soft voice on the other side. You sighed and replied with the same thing. 'Long night?'

'Yeah and I can't even see the end of it.', you answered and heard your husband's laugh. 'It wasn't a joke.', you added, rolling your eyes.

'I know. But it's kind of ironic considering that the sun will be up in less than an hour.', Aaron said. You could hear him moving around the house. Walking from bathroom to bedroom, probably getting ready for work. 'How are the kids?'

'Fine, if you could say it after living in a basement for most of your life and posing for creepy middle aged men.', you answered, feeling the shivers on your arms. The images that you saw literally just came back. And you can expect they will be coming back more often, but this time in your nightmares.

'All alive?', Aaron asked. You could hear him doing something in the kitchen, which made you smile, still looking at Allison. You actually would do everything to be right now with him in that kitchen. Waiting for his famous muffins with bacon and eggs, like he would do whenever both of you had day off.

'Yes, all eight of them.', you nodded. 'You're heading to work now? It's a bit early, even for you.'

'Not yet.', he answered quickly. You could hear another chews from the other side, which actually made your stomach going louder. 'But yesterday I picked up from the post office that coffee table, that you ordered and I thought I would put it together.'

'You're gonna put a coffee table together? At-', you asked surprised, looking at the watch on your phone. '-4:38 in the morning? Are you okay?', you added with a laugh.

'What can I say? I'm just bored without you.', he answered. Right after that you heard a loud noise from the other side and a quiet curse from Aaron.

'You're okay?', you asked, furrowing you brows.

'Yes. I'm looking for the box with all the tools.', he replied. 'I think I'll ask Morgan about them. He'll know what I should use.'

'How about you leave it to me, huh? I'll do it, because we don't want another trip to ER. It'll be third time this year, they'll assume that I'm assaulting you.', you laughed, hearing just quick 'hey!' from your husband.

For the first time in hours you actually felt nice. You didn't had constant fear in your head about the case. You weren't even thinking about it, right now what you were thinking about was Aaron and that stupid coffee table. And he knew about it, that was the reason why he called. After you were in a car with Allison and two policemen, you texted him that the case was over and you're headed to the hospital with victims. Both of you always do it, just to reassure each other that the other person is fine. Aaron on top of that would always call you. He's a very light sleeper, even waking up when you stir in bed sometimes, so every vibrations of his phone wakes him up. No matter what the time is on the clock, he always calls you. He knows how much you love your job and how saving kids was your thing. You loved it, after few years in narcotics unit you know you found your place. But Aaron also knew that you get very into the cases and you involve yourself a lot and if the case goes wrong you blame yourself really hard. Especially being a unit chief, just like him. So he always tried to light the mood even just a little and talk about the day, whatever comes to his mind.

'You're staying in the hospital, right?', it almost wasn't a question. It wasn't anything new to be honest. A lot of the times you would comeback to the hospital with the victims and especially with this case. He knew it wouldn't be different. You were working on it for over a month and it was draining you.

'Don't think I have a choice.', you admitted, looking back at Allison who was also starring at you. The doctor stopped examination and was about to leave. 'One of the girls won't let me go.'

'Just be careful, okay? And take care. Don't forget to eat something.', he reminded, knowing the previous situations.

'I will.', you reassured him. 'I love you.'

'I love you too, sweetheart. Give me a call later in a day.', Aaron said and you agreed.

After you said your goodbyes, you put the phone in the pocket and went back to the room. Allison immediately opened her arms and you laughed coming closer.

'You're back!', she said loudly, which made you laugh even more. Doctor Ashley smiled at both of you and left the room.

'I said I will.', you reminded her, patting her head. You could clearly see the tiredness in her eyes and how hard she was trying not to fall asleep. 'I think it's good time for a sleep.', you proposed, but Jade just shook her head immediately, taking back. ' Allison, you need to sleep.'

'Not sleepy.', she answered quietly, putting knees closer to her chest. 'Don't want to sleep.'

'You've been awake for a long time, Sonnie. You need to rest. I do too. Everyone needs to sleep so they will have energy for the next day.', you explained, but she once again shook her head. 'I'll be there the whole time. Nothing's gonna happen to you. You're safe.'

'Seven minutes?', she asked, trying to stop the yaw. You nodded and observed how she put her head on the pillow, drifting away from the real world.

Aaron Hotchner looked at his watch for the tenth time in the last 8 minutes. He signed and went back to signing papers in front him.

It was a slow day. Most paper work days were slow, but this one was even slower. He just couldn't focus. His thoughts were everywhere but in that office. He was thinking about his wife and what she's about to at that moment, probably still at hospital with the little girl. It was literally breaking his heart when he was thinking about your job and side effects, but also about your personal issues.

Being married for almost six years and together over eight, was something he was very proud of. He loved you with his whole heart and couldn't see anyone but you. The whole team always loved to see when a woman would flirt with Aaron, because it was always so funny to see him nicely declining the actions. Aaron Hotchner was a strong man with a very intimidating vibe, his voice could literally break you into a meltdown and get when a woman would approach him his eyes would always look for you. He just couldn't see his world existing without you.

With that being said he also knows you very well. Whenever something was wrong, he could feel it. Just from the look in your eyes or movement. You almost didn't have to talk to have a conversation. He understood you without any words and so did you.

After long nights when there were only you two together, Aaron knew what you wanted. Be knew all your dreams and wishes. Where you would like to go for vacations or favourite cuisine. Things that he could control. He also knew about your dream job and family wishes. Things he couldn't control and everytime Aaron would think about this, his heart would break into thousand pieces. Because if he could he would give you everything that you wanted and to do that he would sacrifice anything he could.

Quiet sound of a clock, that was announcing noon, got Aaron out of his thoughts. He looked at the clock just to assure himself of the hour and pressed his lips into thin line. Then he just closed the files on the rest, took coat and walked out of the room. Aaron walked to his friend's office and knocked on the door. He opened them after quick 'come in'.

'Dave, I'm gonna be back in an hour.', Aaron said, looking at the older man working on his papers. He looked up with pen still between his fingers.

'Everything's okay?', Dave asked and got quick nod from Aaron. 'Y/N's at the hospital again?'

'Yeah, they finished the case few hours ago so I'm sure she hasn't ate anything since.', he explained. 'I'm just gonna bring her food and come back.'

'No problem. If anything happens, we'll call you.', David said, waving younger man off. Aaron just laughed and closed the door. Then he walked down the stairs, wanting to leave the office.

'Hey, Hotch! Are you going again to get some food?', Emily's voice stopped him from going further. He turned around to face not only her, but three other agents. 'You're going outside, right?'

'Yes, Emily.', he sighed. 'But I'm not going to the place you love to eat from.'

'I figured. But maybe you would want to do us a favor and go there? Since you're already going outside the office.', she explained and Derek started to come closer with JJ right behind him. 'Look, it's raining outside and it's pointless to have two wet agents in the office. We will pay for the gas and also your food, huh?'

'Just text me your order and I'll see what I can do.', Aaron said, rolling his eyes slightly. Then he turned around and started walking towards the elevators, still hearing voices of agents behind him, who were deciding on the order.

Pediatric floor of the hospital was as always busy. Kids running around, parents trying to keep up with them, crying children from everywhere you can imagine and on top of that walls with so many colours, that he thought that someone vomited on them. He had no problem of finding the room where you were. Of course with a help from nurses.

Aaron slowly opened the door from the hospital room. He was expecting for either you or the child to be asleep and he didn't want to wake anybody up. But the sight inside made just his heart to melt.

You were sitting on the couch with Allison sleeping in your arms. Her head was on your chest and arms were really tight around the back. Her moth were slightly open, just like yours. But you also had your head hung back and he was sure he'd hear your complaints about the neck pains for the next week.

Aaron slowly put the package with your favourite food and something tasty for children on the small table near the door. Then he took the blanket from the bed and put it over you and the little girl, knowing how cold you must be from laying down in one place for so long. After that he just put a light kiss on your forehead and with one last look he left the room.

Aaron got to the elevator and took out his phone, checking out one message from Emily.

If you are going to the place near the hospital and there's a girl with short red hair, then say that you would like to order for Agent Prentiss 😘

He furrowed his brows at the message and dialed her right away.

'Did I say something wrong?', she answered after one signal.

'How this girl supposed to know your order?', he asked, looking at the numbers of elevator going down.

'She'll know, trust me. I've been there many time.', Emily laughed and Aaron could practically see her smile through the phone.

'Whatever.', he sighed, hearing the ding from the elevator. 'Oh and Prentiss?', Aaron called and heard quick 'yeah' from the other side. 'Stop sending me emojis. It's highly unprofessional to do it to your boss and it's making me uncomfortable.', he ended, walking out of the hospital.

You could physically feel lighter closing the door to you home. Everything related to work you always tried to leave outside this house and treat this place like an escape. And it was a long few weeks, so you were nothing but happy and relieved that it's over.

The house was quiet and dark. You could only see dim light from the living room and just thinking about it made you smile. You took off your jacked and boots, leaving the bag at the usual place and started walking towards the light. As you saw Aaron sitting on the couch with his eyes closed, you smiled even wider. His feet were on the coffee table and he had a glass of whiskey in his hand.

You leaned on the door frame and with arms crossed on the chest, you observed him.

'I'm awake.', Aaron said with raspy voice. You knew that he was probably sitting here for a while already.

'I know.', you answered and started walking towards the cabinet with alcohols. 'Aaron Hotchner is at home before me. What's happening in this world? Did they closed the FBI building?', you joked while pouring wine into a glass and sitting next to him.

'Very funny.', he answered with a sarcasm. He put arms around your shoulders and kissed your temple.

'I actually am.', you said, taking a sip. 'But I'm glad you're here.'

'Anytime.', he hummed, placing one more kiss on your head.

'Except the time you're working.', you joked and he just rolled his eyes. 'Thank you for the dinner, by the way. Although I would get something to eat myself, you know?'

'Yeah, you would probably eat your first meal of the day right now. I know you, Y/N.', he said, caressing your arm. 'So, how's the girl?'

'Allison?', you asked, reminding yourself of her beautiful smile in your head. Aaron only nodded, taking a sip from his glass, telling you to continue. 'She's gonna be okay, I hope. But she went through a lot.'

'You got close to her.'

'Yeah.', you admitted. 'I know what you think, Aaron. I know that it's not a good thing, I Get close to those kids and then I come home and they're not there. I know how this looks like. But I swear I just want to help them.'

'I know. But also you need to realize, that when they'll go to foster care they won't have someone to look after them every minute they're there. That there's gonna be many more kids their age and the attention you're giving them right now won't be given to them anymore.', he finished, looking down at you.

'Maybe they don't have to go to foster care.', you whispered, hugging your husband closer.

'You want to adopt a child?', Aaron asked slowly getting to the conclusion and realizing something else. 'You wanna adopt Allison.'

'I do.', you admitted. 'But I won't do it.', you added, sitting straight. Aaron just gave you questioning look. 'They found her mother in Portland, she'll come and get her tomorrow. Ignoring the fact that she doesn't have any job, is living in a two bedroom apartment with four other roommates and all the money goes to the alcohol. Yeah, so Allison has a bright future ahead of her.'

'You never know.', he answered. You put head on his chest once again and laid there for few minutes in silence, trying to relax.

'So, you actually put that table together.', you said keeping the eyes in small brown table in front of you, with Aaron's feet on top.

'I thought you'll never notice.', he answered almost sounding hurt.

'Oh, I did. Just wanted to hold the suspension for a little while.', you smiled and kissed him on the lips. 'Derek did it, am I right?', you whispered, narrowing your eyes.

'No.', he answered simply.

'Liar.', you whispered again, kissing him one more time, but stopping after you hear his phone going off. 'Everything's okay?', you asked.

'Yeah, just Emily.' he answered, but started explaining seing your confused face. 'I gave Emily's number to one of the girls that she has crush on from the restaurant. And I guess she had a good evening.', he ended and showed you the text.

SSA aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner, you are truly THE  man 🥰🤭💗🍑

[thevindicativevordan]

How do you feel about the way New Krypton was resolved? To me it felt really callous. Like DC was just sweeping it all aside with the Kryptonians being genocided, and then the whole world moves on a week later.

Two words: Wasted potential.

This should have been Superman's Sinestro Corps War, his big event/storyline that completely rejuvenated his sales and brought in a ton of new readers. It had all the hallmarks of being the big shakeup that the Superman franchise desperately needed: it gave Superman a big conflict that allowed him to punch stuff while also not being something he could solve solely by punching, it centered all of his big villains and gave them the revamps they needed (particularly Zod as I'll get to later), it involved all the other members of the Superfamily (bar Conner who was dead at the time) and gave them stuff to do, it even brought in the Legion of Superheroes at one point! The setup was all there to do something great, to give Superman that big event storyline he hadn't had since Death of Superman (or President Luthor if you're feeling generous).

And DC completely fucked it up.

First you had Busiek and Johns, the guys who were doing the actual setup and who had been doing great work beforehand, both leave the books right as the event was kicking off. Busiek to go do Trinity and Johns to go prepare Blackest Night, both leaving their big event to be executed by new writers who had not been involved in the process of conceptualizing this event. Then you had Clark taken out of Superman and Action Comics, those titles given to Z-Listers, and Clark himself dropped into a brand new mini. No offense to those who like Mon-El but there was never a chance in hell of him sustaining his own book as the lead guy unless Johns was writing it. Then you hilariously had the first son of Clark and Lois, Chris Kent, aged up in a bizarre way and made a costumed hero himself with a romance to boot in a deeply unpopular move (funny how history repeats itself, although I like what's unfolding with Jon a lot more). So of course the sales tanked, and what happened next was inevitable.

DC panicked and hit the reset button so hard a planet exploded and everyone died, except for Kal, Kara, and Zod plus some of his loyalists.

God I was pissed because while the side books may have floundered, the main mini itself following Clark on New Krypton? That was really good in my opinion.

Clark was forced into an interesting position: a second chance at life with his people, at the cost of renouncing ties with his adopted homeworld. Can Kal-El find a way of keeping the peace between the two worlds, with the leadership on both ends preparing for war? That's an exciting and enticing premise or at least it was for me! I loved the storyline also because it took the usual cliche storyline of Superman losing his powers and flipped it: what if there was an entire new planet full of guys who were just as strong as he was? What makes Superman special then? And we got to see the answer: his brains and his experience.

It was cool seeing Clark kick ass, seeing him navigate the politics of the Guilds and Kryptonian society. There was so much worldbuilding going on at the same time, old Kryptonian animals and plants being recreated on New Krypton, the dissatisfaction within the Labor Guild, the military spoiling for a fight, Kal's internal struggles with everyone seeing Zod as a hero and him having to try to work quietly to change that, it was all really fun to read about for me. There were also those hints of long term plotlines being set up, such as those aliens from Saturn who were also super powered, and were letting the newcomers know they were keeping an eye on things. I seriously thought we were going to get a Solar War with every race in the Sol system fighting each other for dominance. And the Superman/Zod dynamic has never been better than it was in this storyline.

The two did not like each other, but there was a grudging respect being built up between the two. Kal was coming to appreciate that Zod genuinely cared about protecting the Kryptonians, and Zod was coming to respect Clark's skills and insights. Zod was sympathetic and understandable in his goals while also still being a ruthless son of a bitch, which is exactly how I prefer he be depicted.

In all honesty this was the first big Zod story I read and it shaped my perceptions of how he should be. You also had General Sam Lane on the other side, putting together Project 7734 to tackle the Kryptonians, drafting Lex Luthor, Metallo, and others to his side. Hell this was the last and as far as I know only story to pit the Big 3 of Lex, Brainiac, and Zod against one another, something I would dearly love to see tried again. All these major players working their own agendas simply isn't something you usually get in Superman books. Lex working to kill Superman and the other Kryptonians of course, but also out to steal knowledge from Brainiac and secure his freedom. Brainiac wanting to recapture the Kryptonians. Zod and Lane out to preemptively destroy one another, with Zod seeding Kryptonian sleeper agents back on Earth. Superman's Rogues got good showings as the dangerous threats they are in this story, I'll say that much.

All of it torched in the end alas. DC definitely wanted it all swept under the rug and forgotten. I liked the retcon of Grounded really being Superman suffering a massive case of PTSD which is why he was being an asshole under JMS, but I doubt that was the original intention. You're right, Clark having to experience the pain of losing his people as an adult, and Kara having to re-experience it along with the death of her mother, really should've gotten more focus. But they wanted it gone and done with.

You know what kills me? Not even a few years later they'd reboot the whole damn universe anyway, so what was the point of taking Superman back to his "status quo"? They should've just said fuck it and let the writers go wild in the final years before the New 52, let New Krypton play out as it was intended to, it was all going to get rebooted anyway. Of course New 52 was a rush job I understand, so they didn't know ahead of time what would happen, but I can't help but be bitter.

The potential New Krypton offered is one I would 100% love to see revisited, in an animated movie or in that upcoming My Adventures With Superman cartoon. The animated side keeps changing the stories as they adapt them anyway, and I would love to see the ending to New Krypton get changed. Give me the original Johns/Busiek plan for the event, or give me something else entirely, it can't be a bigger disappointment than what we ultimately got anyway.

[therealvinelle]

theory : jasper originally made it all the way until Maria’s army fell when the volturi comes for them (Bc dammit Maria the humans are developing you’re gonna get us caught) and they’re like yo jasper you can come w us since it’s all U’ve ever known and also ur talent is super neat babe (Bc I’m a firm believer in that jasper’s power makes *him* attractive to the volturi but I’m not explaining that right now) and it was a DISASTER before time looping. then he loops back and meets Alice (her family moved to the south and got dead in the first time warp because in the first loop Peter died in his first year and Charlotte got ate later on) but they and Cullens die because they accidentally piss off the tribe (which is. good for them) and then this loop he’s like you know what fuck it I’m just gonna do everything the same and NOT piss off the tribe. then he makee it to the renegade fiasco and..gets murdered by the volturi because Bella died in birth/can’t figure out that damn shield. Anywho that’s why he avoids the hell out of Bella in the canon books.

(Anon is inspired by this post)

Jasper stuck in a time loop, alright, alright I like it. 

Though this opens up the potential for Jasper being a sleeper agent sent back in time to ensure events will line up so the Volturi fall. The canon timeline is a series of unlikely events where it all line up at the end of Breaking Dawn so the Volturi are doomed, and a timetraveller could explain that. And Jasper, as one of the only two Cullen vampires who wasn’t turned by Carlisle, fits the bill.

As for Jasper being desirable to the Volturi, I would agree though with caveats. He’d be welcomed, yes, but he’s like Heidi, nice addition but not vital.

[demenior]

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons: 

I love talking about my own work and 

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and 

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories. 

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God. 

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’. 

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency. 

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics. 

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression. 

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question. 

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”. 

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish? 

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent 

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult 

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance! 

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired). 

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc. 

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years. 

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did. 

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.) 

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

[gear-project]

With the data mine including voice lines from and to Nagoriyuki/Slayer, I've been more and more interested in who, or rather what Nagoriyuki's "Master" might be. In his interactions with Slayer, he says "You're a Nightless?" and "You got nothing on the old man". When Sol asks if Nagoriyuki is a nightless, he replies with "Do you know my master?" implying that his master is also a Nightless And finally, against Chipp he asks how he knows Tsuyoshi, also proving (not that we didn't already know) that Tsuyoshi both knows Nagoriyuki and has some type of relationship with him, whether it be as a fellow student, teacher, or master. So, who might this old man be, and how are they more powerful than Slayer? (supposedly) Could Tsuyoshi be a nightless himself? Were Tsuyoshi and Nagoriyuki training under the same nightless master?

It's a bit convoluted, but Tsuyoshi's past was revealed in the Novel Butterfly and Her Gale.

Originally he was a "sleeper agent" for the International Police Force, and his job was to monitor the activities of the Assassins Organization after they had been corrupted internally and manipulated by the P.W.A.B.

The Assassins actually worked alongside prominent members of the Mafia, which is how Chipp Zanuff was exposed to Drug Trafficking, as he was an orphan on the Streets in America.

Chipp got addicted to the drugs he was supposed to distribute and ended up becoming one of the Mafia's enemies, and so they had sent Assassins to come and kill him.

Tsuyoshi saw this and intervened, and took it upon himself to clean Chipp up and wean him off his drug addiction and even taught him how to use Ki and learn Ninjutsu.

It was brief, but Chipp bonded with Tsuyoshi as a father figure, and trained with him for a few months until Volf (one of the lower level assassin-thugs) found Tsuyoshi's hideout.

Volf brought a whole mob of thugs to attack Tsuyoshi when he was alone, but nobody was able to defeat him or bring him down, and they were forced to retreat from the area.

Unfortunately, by the time Chipp returned from gathering supplies, he had found Tsuyoshi dying from exhaustion from the attack.

Years later, Chipp was struggling with his feelings for revenge against the Assassins, and even had a lengthy conversation with their founder, Slayer himself.

Slayer swore only Chipp would be allowed to avenge his master as penance for how corrupted Slayer had allowed the Assassins Organization to become in his absence... but rather than avenge his master through that means, Chipp decided to complete his training and become stronger.

Around 2182, it was revealed that the Assassins were trying to manipulate both the United Nations and the American Government, and set up a scenario where America would go to war with Zepp.

Chipp was incidentally caught in the middle of one of their staged attacks and inadvertently saved Erica Bartholomew, the current President of America at that time.

Chipp also discovered that Volf was the one behind attempting Tsuyoshi's Murder, and Volf even managed to trap Chipp and cause him to take in some of his old addictive drugs externally.

Chipp used his Ki mastery to resist the attack and defeated Volf... though later it would be Venom who had other Assassins kill Volf for his failure.

While Slayer himself was not directly involved with Tsuyoshi or Chipp's activities (or Venom's at that time), his past involvement with the Assassins' traces all the way back to the year 1998 when the Assassins were Founded.

The purpose of the Assassins was two-fold: to act as a balance towards unfair increases in Human power and influence (Dandyism, a kind of chivalry that keeps those in Power in check), the second purpose was to provide Slayer with blood as sustenance as a Vampire.

It is very likely that Slayer was not the only Vampire involved with the Assassins as an organization, as even Nagoriyuki's history can be traced as early as 2137 (50 years prior to awakening from his slumber in 2187).

Nagoriyuki himself says that his style of fighting comes from Koretou family of sword arts and mistook it for Chipp's style, but Chipp corrects him by stating his is the Tsuyoshishiki-style Ninjutsu.

So we now know that Koretou has some connection with Tsuyoshi, but the precise story has yet to be told.

For now, that's all that can be said with certainty.