#tweaking things for what is hopefully decent writing? XD

[coffeebeannate]

hi nate! 12 - Finally home after a hard day + 13 - “Tell me what you’re thinking right now.” for kaysanova please 👉👈 (dearpatroclus)

Hello Courtney~! Absolutely! @dearpatroclus​ (Sorry I totally forgot to actually include your username before kasjnsjadk)

Two-Part Drabbles

Joe sighs heavily when he drops their bags atop the dull green carpet of one of the endless motel rooms they’ve called ‘home’ for so long.

They do have other more permanent locations about the globe, but more often than not, it is this. Some temporary station that may or may not have running water, or heat. A dingy television that may not get all channels, if anything at all, and the uncomfortable springs of a bed with origins and body histories best not considered when so exhausted even blinking feels too monstrous. Too impossible. Too taxing.

Despite it being the 21st century, the motel has neither wifi, nor internet of any sort. The old radiator style heater is long yellow from age, and Joe eyeballs the dark brown cover of the single double bed wearily.

Still, it promised a shower, with hot water. A shower Joe is too damned exhausted to take.

Nicky’s hand is on his back, wide and steady, where Joe’s barely moved from the doorway.

“What is it?” He asks, in low Italian, though Joe knows it’s more courtesy to rouse him than anything else, “Do you just want to sleep?”

Joe tips his head back, accepting the shoulder that greets it. His ears still ring distantly from the gunshots, his head feels foggy and heavy with smoke.

“Would be no good.” As tired as he is, he knows showering at the very least is the better option, “But a quick one.”

A routine done thousands upon thousands of times before and there is no ease in the adjustment of it. Even if firing a gun, or holding his scimitar is done with the same physical memories no more complex at times than holding a fork at dinner, there’s an endless calling of ‘why’ and ‘maybe this time, do not.’ Something to trip him up, something to spark that brief second of hesitation.

There’s smudges and streaks in the small oval shaped bathroom mirror, and Joe stares himself dead in the eye, exhausted and tense, with each piece of clothing he removes while Nicky works to bring the stubborn old pipes to temperature.

Being fast healing, his muscles look little different than they did so many centuries ago, but having more continual nutrition allows a glow to his skin, a shine of health that had never truly been present the first five hundred years of his life.

His hair, though sodden and sticky from dirt and smoke, retains a healthily robust shine that Nicky comments on whenever he has an opportunity. There’s a spark of clarity in his eyes, and blood that flakes from his cheeks and leaves nothing but fresh, perfect skin beneath.

He’d not lived long enough as a mortal to develop the firm, obvious wrinkles he can barely remember his father or grandfathers having had. But there’s a definite crinkle to his forehead and the corners of his eyes where such things had slowly been starting to develop.

Until it was determined he’d be eternally 33.

Nicky would tell him, running his hands over the fuzz of hair against his chest, the looseness of a stomach well fed and unstrained, that nobody who looked to them could possibly guess what they’d been through. How they appeared so often in perfect health, still young and new to the world.

“Are you finished college?” Nicky had heard, more than once. “Have you kids?” Joe had heard to them both. “What do you do for a living? Where are you from? Have you got any plans for the future?”

“They cannot help it.” Nicky told him, curled up together later, “We look just like them. They can’t possibly comprehend.”

But they were just like them. The man Joe stared at in the mirror was him. A human. A human that just happened to heal really fast and could not retain death.

Was that not like them?

He held no super strength, no mystic abilities brought about by some fantasy element. He did not contain secrets. He was human. He just didn’t die.

Nicky didn’t die either. Nicky, who now once again was slowly trying to pull Joe from his thoughts. Nicky, with his careful, penetrating gaze of pure green concern, the vaguely hard, semi-chapped lips Joe so loved to kiss and new so well he could trace their shape in his sleep.

There’s dark black dirt on his cheeks, and ash on his nose. There’s the smell of weakening gunpowder on his fingertips when they run down Joe’s beard. His lips taste like soot when they come to Joe’s, his mouth pliant and willing when Joe pushes for more.

The shower water is hot and won’t be for long, the burning makes Joe yelp when he’s guided inside, slow, sluggish pressure not enough to soothe but good enough for cleaning. Nicky’s strong, sure hands finding soap and massaging into Joe’s hair.

Water turns grey beneath their feet, Joe tries to breathe through exhausted, small tears.

Nicky lets him cry, thumb pads gently pushing them away, encouraging Joe to breathe with him when there’s too many, when he can’t see and his eyelashes cling.

Hummed songs in Italian, gentle whispers in Joe’s ear.

The hands Joe fists into Nicky’s hips that clutch and burn, that bring him closer to himself in the need to know that there is something that stays the same. That there is something in this ever-turbulent world that feels identical. 

The towels are scratchy, the fabric loose, Joe cannot be bothered to find anything more exciting than faded blue boxers, sitting on the bed with Nicky only after he’s dried his own hair of the worst dampness, ancient black sweats loose on his hips.

He’s heavy in Joe’s lap and blissful in his patience.

“Rest,” Nicky says, kind, sweet, nose brushing Joe’s. 

If sleep came now Joe’d only be subjected to terror. Nicky knows and puts a finger to his lips. “Only rest, not sleep. Not until you’re ready.”

Under the blankets, Nicky’s chest is a comforting pillow, Joe’s eyes watching the muted colours of the TV without registering a single thing that happens in the program. 

Joe must fall asleep, for he’s sure he notes the room darkening, the distant television sound ceasing, and Nicky’s sleep-heavy voice in his ear, “Good Night, my love.”

And he knows nothing after that. 

[kingofthewilderwest]

This hasn’t been a good year for me first I was stalked then I lost someone who I thought was a friend because my mental health issues caused me to impulsively lash out at people I been apologizing and apologizing they refuse to listen to me all they told me was get outside help. The thing is I was there for them when they needed me but when I needed them they abandon me I am autistic and have trouble regulating my emotions I explained that to them when they told me that I keep lashing out at people even after I apologize for it. :( what should I do? Should I just just keep spamming how sorry I am and that I will keep my mouth shut and not lash out at people anymore I just want them to like me again I don’t like lashing out at people I have no control over that why can’t they understand? How many times do I need to cry in their inbox until they realize how sorry I am and that this time I won’t lash out impulsively.

Hello, friend. <3 I'm really sorry for the struggle and pain you are going through. That's tough. My heart reaches out for you. I was in an extremely similar experience once (I'll talk about the experience and results below), so I both care about your situation, and I hope my message can help you with your choices moving forward. My phrasing might sound blunt, but every word is written with love, and I will give comfort through the end, so bear with me. Sorry that I suck at brief. XD

From the way you’ve described your situation, you’ve already been messaging friend(s) repeatedly explaining your actions, giving apologies, etc. My answer is under the assumption you’ve been sending repeated messages. Here’s the unfortunate kicker.

You need to stop messaging them. Period.

If you want them to feel better and feel better about you, you need to give them space for a decently long period of time without breaking that silence once, it doesn’t matter if your desired topic is helpfully explaining how you tick, apologizing, or talking about something entirely unrelated to the drama.

I know that's probably the hardest thing to do. I know for me, when I was in a situation like this, every fiber of my being *SCREAMED* at me to try to make things right by messaging again. I was so terrified I couldn’t leave it alone. I understand how scary it can be for someone to not listen to your apology. I understand the drive to get someone to understand your circumstance for why you messed up. I understand the overpowering pressure of guilt for having done something wrong and the itch to keep acting until I make it right. But you can't make it right by messaging someone repeatedly.

While your intent is reparation, your result is harassment. I'm so sorry to say this, but if you’re messaging like that, you are continuing to inflict pain and make matters worse because your constant messaging gives them no relief. It’s like constantly picking a scab to make it bleed again rather than letting it heal without touching it. If you pick that scab too much, you’ll lose more blood and you’ll get a scar. Lots of people, after being hurt, need time to process their emotions before they can be comfortable resuming a chill conversation. So long as you keep acting like this, they aren't going to want to listen to you, and your actions are going to make them wish they weren't around you. They’ll see you in a worse light because if you can’t give them time and space to heal themselves and you can’t stop fixating on past events, then they see that you’re not handling the situation well.

Now. If you do talk to them again, after that *LONG* break, there are several things you have to do. Ask if it’s okay to talk first and be clear it’ll be a one-time event. Be rational, be calm, be objective, accept responsibility for yourself without trashing yourself or sounding desperate for their response, and make sure you acknowledge their feelings and experiences as much as your own. Accept responsibility for yourself in your words. Make sure you listen to them, too, and respect their thoughts. 

I know that’s hard to do. I can get scared, tongue-tied, and emotional in conversations like this. The way I get around that is writing down what I’m going to say beforehand. That way, I can spend several days carefully tweaking my words so they’re optimally diplomatic (and have someone else check me if I need a second perspective). Now I have a script I can follow that can prevent me from tumbling into babbling emotion. “I’m sorry, I’ll keep my mouth shut, I just want you to like me again” will turn more people away, unfortunately. People don’t trust that because it sounds like you don’t have control of yourself, which makes them think more bad things could happen. Level-headed but kind discussion of the issue is essential; it shows you are *capable* of handling the situation. Showing capability helps engender trust. Also, please make it clear to your friend(s) that once this convo is done, the goal is to move on.

Note that your friend can say “no” if you ask to talk. And that’s okay. If they say “no,” leave it at “no,” and don’t try to get a “yes.” Your friend can still say “no” to points you make during your conversation. Those aren’t the words you want to hear but you have to accept them if they come. Stay humble. Do not try to get them to fully be in sync with you because that may be impossible and only hurt everyone more. All you can do is present yourself at your best; after that, it is their choice how they respond, and their responses must be accepted. If they are bitches, that’s on them, and you’re better off not being friends with shitty-ass uncaring bitches. If they choose not to be friends with you for understandable reasons, it hurts, but it’s valid; we do not have to be friends with every person we meet, even if they’re cool. And if they choose to forgive you, which they could too, then you guys have a basis to move forward again without reopening cans of worms. I do want to reassure you: I’ve had plenty of conversations like this go well and friendships get repaired. <3 It can be done.

Now. You said you feel your friends aren’t helping you at your time of need. I understand the pain of supporting a friend but the friend doesn’t reciprocate at the time I need them most. This was hard for me to learn, but: a friend is not obligated to help you. Yes, good friends will help when they can. Yes, if you’re only helping them and they’re nevvvvvvver helping you, that’s a one-sided relationship and that’s a bust. But healthy relationships also have boundaries and “no”s. It’s not a contractual obligation to help a friend through everything. Plus, not everyone has the skillset to help you for every need. Friends who are not used to neurodivergence might not know how to handle neurodivergent-specific challenges (that’s what I’ve experienced with my own support networks). You can explain it and hopefully they’ll get better about understanding how you tick, though. There’s even types of friends who understand how you tick but still not want to be around it, and sometimes that’s because they have to protect their own health. They can understand you lash out but still need to leave to heal themselves because lashing out hurts them, and they don’t have the energy or emotions to help or listen to you right after. They have enough on their plate trying to keep themselves going without assisting someone else too. Those things can happen. You may find out what type of friends yours are later.

And I know it’s really hard to regulate emotions... I’m saying this as someone who had extreme issues regulating my emotions due to neurodivergence and mental illness, albeit of different kinds... but ultimately mental health is an explanation, not an excuse, and you are still responsible for the results when you are cognizant enough to act well enough. You are valid for being autistic and that is not a problem, that is who you are period, and if they don’t respect that, that’s their issue. Explaining why you act like you do is a first step. It’s good to communicate and I think it’s good you want to your friends to know why it’s hard. But you do have to work at getting better with your treatment of people, too. Sometimes we do things outside of our control. Sometimes these will never be in our control. But some things will be in our control. Part of our responsibility as a friend is to not just admit we hurt someone in the past when we’re at our worst and least controllable, but make an effort, as we can, to prevent these things in the future, as we can. Figure out prevention tactics. Figure out ways your friends can be equipped and prepared if something happens. Find professionals who can help you with emotional regulation. And so forth.

Your friends do have a point about getting outside help. I love supporting my friends and helping them through emotionally dark times, but sometimes a friend’s mental health struggles are out of my abilities and I can’t be expected to be the one to handle it. I cannot help my friend with heart surgery because I am not a heart surgeon; likewise, sometimes I can’t help my friends with mental illness ailments because I am not a professional psychologist. If it is within your budget, this may be a valuable resource for you that will help you, your friends, and more.

If you’re anything like I was, what I said may make you want to go into another round of apologizing, but before you do that (you shouldn't! you can't!!!!), I want to explain what happened to me. This involves me talking about the worst period of my life, the worst mistakes I ever made, and the worst legacy I'll have to contend with. I haven't talked about it on tumblr because I haven't wanted people to misread me or judge me, but the truth is, those old mistakes are a defining characteristic of my everyday life because of how thoroughly I fucked up and hurt someone else by my desire to "make things right."

I was eighteen and sharing a dorm room with my high school significant other. We broke up several months into the school year. At first things were okay, but then our friendship started to slide. We both did foolish things and wrongdoings against each other. The result was my ex needed breathing space to heal, whereas I felt I needed to heal by coming closer to them. As you can see, these are opposites, and it... didn’t work. It resulted in me pestering them and them wanting to get further from me.

I was also suicidal at the time. I had undiagnosed ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria and maybe more, and all that put me in the worst psychological state of my life. My emotions were more powerful than I could control. I had no coping mechanisms yet. My diary entries sometimes don’t sound... sane... from that time period. Being suicidal, I begged my ex for help, and my ex said “no”. My ex was rude and cold (understandable... hard to be polite when you’re stressed), but still, she had a right to say “no.” No one is obligated to do anything, but I was extremely emotional at her denial. Terrified for my life, I tried telling my ex that I had helped HER through HER problems when SHE was depressed, why the fuck wouldn’t she help me with my low point? I felt like she abandoned me and I told her so. I was intending to suggest she was breaking a promise and being an uncaring, unfaithful friend... but my words came out sounding like I was guilt tripping. My friend felt emotionally abused, forced into a situation where someone was threatening their life if she didn’t do what I said.

That’s a lot of pressure on someone, a roommate screaming at her that she had to do X or someone would die. It’s a cruel thing to shove someone into. I did that. I did it accidentally, my only intentions were making amends and saving my life, but I’m still 200% responsible for the results. It destroyed her psychologically, and ten years later, I don’t think she’s fully recovered.

When I recovered from the worst of my mental illness lapse, I felt sick to my stomach about how much my emotional responses harmed her. Thus began my rounds of apologizing. At first she coldly “tolerated” it, but I couldn’t leave it alone because it didn’t feel like closure. She outright told me she would never forgive me and that made me more desperate. About once every six months for the next three years, I tried talking to her. She felt harassed. She increasingly hated me. Soon, she thought I was stalking her, and sent the start of what could’ve become legal action against me. One time, I tried talking to her about something entirely unrelated (I was trying to save a friend who was having panic attacks and my ex was unknowingly responsible for the panic attacks), I panicked, I grabbed her arm, she threatened to call the police on me, had the teacher drive her home from class, and the next thing I knew, we were both in the university’s Office of Student Conduct. Oof.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

For the rest of my life, I will have to contend with the fact I fucked up the person I loved the most, and that the best thing I could ever do to help her was... to... leave... her... be.

If I had let my friend breathe after my first apology, if I had given my friend space to process through her hurt emotions until she no longer felt hurt, we might have been able to rekindle a friendship. But I never gave her the time to heal. I never respected her “no, stop talking to me.” My apologies were intended to make her feel better because I knew I was hurting her, my apologies were intending to say “I’ll never hurt you again!” But instead I kept digging a deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper hole.

I realize this is a dismal story. I don’t want to scare you. I want you to read this private story of my pained heart to understand what happens when I let desperation do all the talking. I want to share it to show how much I care for your situation. And I want you to understand that... after I learned taking a step back... I had radically better results with the friends I got into conflicts with. It took a ton of effort and work to retrain my conduct, but it worked, and I’ve found stabler and happier and relatively drama-free relationships. And if I fuck up for some reason mental-health-wise, it’s usually a single conversation and done to get us back on track.

I fuck up, but I’ll never fuck up like that again, never ever EVER, nowhere CLOSE. And that’s a... happy ending in its own right, yeah?

I do believe in you. I believe that not every story has to end like the one between my ex and me. I want to give you that hope. I believe you have a good heart and you definitely want things better. You wouldn’t have messaged me (and I believe... others... on tumblr?) if this didn’t matter to you. And anyone who wants to do something about a problem has the starting kernel of Betterness happening. I believe you can find more peace. Maybe it won’t come right away and maybe there’ll be rocky points, but life can become better, relationships can become better. There are ways, even with mental health struggles, to find that comfortable equilibrium again.

I wish you the best, friend. Take care. <3 Rooting for you. I apologize if any of my words ended up coming out wrong accidentally. I really do hope you find some relief in this situation. <3

[littlemissgeek8]

For the ask thing, Tiffany, Jenny, Deborah, AJ, Kenny, Adam, and Lachappa

Welp, this took ages. Sorry about that ^^;;;;. Some of the asks I answered elsewhere so here’s Tiffany, Deborah, and AJ

The rest are going under a cut b/c it’s looooooong.

Jenny

First impression:I found her kind of boring, honestly. ^^;; Her stats weren’t ones that reallygrabbed me, she wasn’t skilled in repair or speed, and hiding just reallywasn’t my thing.

Impression now: Evenif she’s not my fave, I really do like Jenny, and not just for the chances I’vehad to write her outside of the game. She’s got probably one of my favoriteoutfits (the fairy princess one :3), she’s surprisingly good as a mediccharacter, and tossing a decent Marathon perk on her compensates for her lowstamina. She may not be very fast or smart, but when played well she can be areal pain in the butt for Jason. XD

Favorite moment:For Jenny, it’s probably another moment from when I was primarily doingquickplay games with random people. I spawned in on Packanack Lodge down at thebottom of the map, all alone with a boat escape. While the rest of the team ranaround fighting over the car and the cops, I managed to hunt down the parts forthe boat and repair it completely (and I think it may have been perfectrepairs) and got out on my own while Jason was distracted chasing people at thepolice exit. That was basically the moment I realized I could repair as Jennyand do a good job with it, provided Jason gave me enough time to work. XD

Idea for a story:I’m toying with the idea of a side story for Legacy, involving what exactly washappening with Jenny during the majority of the story… but again, I don’t wantto go into a lot of details because A: spoilers and B: I don’t know if I’ll getto it at any point. XD

Unpopular opinion:Um… her voice is obnoxious? Not really an unpopular opinion I think, but it’sthe best I got. Love ‘ya, Jen, but you need to stop shrieking.

Favorite relationship:Jenny and Chad, obviously. I’m really not entirely sure how I ended up shippingit, but gosh it’s just so cute somehow. Platonically, I see her being reallygood friends with pretty much all the counselors, since Jenny’s just that kind of person who’s basicallyeverybody’s mom friend.

Favorite headcanon:Jenny the Mom Friend, basically. XD She’s the one who’s always ready withsnacks or hot drinks or a shoulder to cry on, or even just ready to storm outthere and give a stern talking to whomever started picking on her friends.

Kenny

First impression:Honesty I thought he was boring. ^^;;;; Largely due to the whole “five in allstats” thing. Since he wasn’t really good at anything, I couldn’t really pinhim down and so just wrote him off as boring.

Impression now:Gosh Kenny’s a cutie. XD His average stats make him easy to tweak into whateverbuild you want to try, and he can actually be a really good addition to theteam! (At least before Jason got his heelies and became super-speedy-jason-6000and ruined the ability to play as anything other than a high-speed characterbecause only Chad, Tiffany and Vanessa can run fast enough to not dieimmediately.) He just feels like an all-around great guy and I’ve reallyenjoyed playing him.

Favorite moment:Hm, again I’m having a hard time pinning down a specific time. I think therewas one round where we had a massive battle at the phone box on the main Lodgeat Higgins Haven, and if I remember right I spent most of my time as Kenny body-blockingthe box or stunning Jason when he tried to break it, but it’s been a while.

Idea for a story:Wellll….. not to give anything away, but I do have a short story I’m working on….>.> featuring Kenny pretty heavily….

Unpopular opinion:I honestly don’t see him as gay? I really don’t mean to offend anyone with this and I don’t have an issue with anyone headcanoning it,I promise. I just… don’t. He reminds me wayyyy too much of a character from my previousfandom who had the fandom treat him the exactsame way because he wore plaid and did engineering stuff as well as being atalented pianist and artist so y’know, let’sstereotype the character that canonically flirts with more women than any ofhis brothers. It’s a super sore spot for me because the whole situation waskinda rough for one of my friends who had a really strong muse for thecharacter, and the fact that it’s happening to ANOTHER character the exact same waykind of frustrates me. Like, headcanon what y’all want but for me at least, I just don’t see it.

Favorite relationship:I’ve got a bit of a soft spot for him and Tiffany at this point. I don’t knowif I’d call their relationship exactly healthy,much like with Chad and Jenny, but at the same time I’m a bit of a sucker forthe “ladykiller in love” trope (or whatever you’d call it if the girl’s the onewho’s a lot more flirtatious than the guy. XD) I also really love the idea ofKenny, Adam and AJ being a really tight-knit group of friends, and Kennyprobably gets along really well with Jenny too.

Favorite headcanon:He’s a bit uptight. Super charming and everything when he’s in “Head CounselorMode” and being friendly with parents and/or kids, but actually running thecamp can make him come across as somewhat neurotic. But on the other side, he’ssuper sweet and kind of a dorky romantic guy who probably serenades Tiffany withhis guitar when he has the chance. X3

Adam

First impression:The whole “edgy,” “biker-y” thing wasn’t really the type of character I’m drawnto, but I didn’t hate him. Like a lot of the characters, I was kind of “meh” onhim in general. Also the lack of stealth really wasn’t my thing for a long time.

Impression now: Ilike him a lot, even if I don’t get to play him much. And honestly,mechanically, he’s not really my best character to play as, especially since he’ssuper noisy and now can’t even run away from Jason at a full sprint. Butcharacter-wise? He’s pretty fun to work with. X3

Favorite moment:Again, really not sure I have one; I barely play him since the random selectiondoesn’t give him to me often, and I rarely pick him since there’s othercharacters I’m better at playing.

Idea for a story:Wellllll, he’s in the short story I’ve been picking at lately… though I don’treally have any stories in mind for Adam specifically. Again, he’s one of thosecharacters I like using as a best friend/side character.

Unpopular opinion:I dunno, I don’t see him as being quite the “tough, rough, bad-boy” some peopledo? Like, yeah he’s got the hair and the leather and stuff, but I feel like he’sa lot more “tough on the outside (especially to bullies) and sweet on theinside” than anything else.

Also I actually like him and AJ being a couple, which seemsto be a somewhat unpopular opinion.

Favorite relationship:Well, AJ mostly, since it’s canon. XD And cute. I do like him and Kennybeing really good friends, and probably the voices of reason in the camp, Adamespecially. (Kenny can be a bit intense as I write him, while Adam’s a lotmellower.)

Favorite headcanon: Iguess since he doesn’t have any confirmed backstory, I kind of really like Adambeing Italian (specifically Sicilian) since his last name is. Also that Adam’sthe cool, laid-back counselor that all the kids think is the Absolute Coolest.

Eric

Y’all had to do it tome, didn’t you?

First impression:I didn’t like him. Out of the entire cast, Eric’s the only one who hasn’tspoken to me at all. Like, at all. He’skind of the epitome of the kind of character I end up feeling very “thank youbut no” about.

Impression now:Nothing has changed. I don’t like him really at all. I don’t like playing ashim because even with a slightly higher strength, he’s still a much worse formof Deborah who can’t run worth anything. And he literally doesn’t speak to mecreatively at all.

Favorite moment:I don’t know, maybe the one time I was in a group and managed to stay away fromJason for like, 5 minutes? The Jason admitted to toying with us, but it was oneof the few times I felt like I wasn’t a huge useless burden as Eric.

Idea for a story:Literally none, he doesn’t speak to me at all.

Unpopular opinion: Idon’t get the meme-ness of him, or understand why people like him at all. Ijust frustrated with people acting like he’s some kind of awesome characterwhen he’s just… really, really not.

Favorite relationship:I don’t have one. I don’t even have friendshipones for him. I think he might have a crush on Deborah but yeah, that ain’tgoing anywhere in my stories.

Favorite headcanon:Uh, that he’s in charge of the radio? Look, I got nothing. I gave him the jobof introducing the radio to Deborah in my story to give him something to do, I literallydon’t have any feeling other than complete apathy at best when it comes to Eric.