#tw:covid mention

[byondtheveil]

Well we did a COVID test and neither mom or I have covid so yay on that.

My lungs are still trying to leave the premises tho...

[princegay-oof]

Hey uh, I know its one am but I've got a quick question

What're most people tagging the pandemic as? As in, for a blacklist or whatever its called?

[rosepegasusrp]

Rose Pegasus sadly shuts off her TV, crying for her friend, Destiny Star-Bowie, who might have COVID-19, as Rose’s twin, Seto Kaiba, just reported this sad news to her! “Why must i-it b-be her?!”

[thewheezingwyvern]

Dark Content

tw:Death, tw:COVID, tw:PTSD, tw:Medical talk, tw:rape mention 

It took me longer than it really should have to sit down and type this up. I don’t know if this is going to help but I hope that it helps some of you understand and to calm down when you get up in arms about dark content. 

As some of you know I’m a smut writer here. Most of what I share here now is smut. However if you were to take those pieces and assume my sexual activity about me you would be very, very wrong. I am on the asexual spectrum and my husband and I have never had penetrative sex. It’s not for me. Hell most times in general I find sex to be gross and repulsive. And yet there seems to be this mindset here that if I write it, it must mean I want it. I’m not even really a dark content writer, and yet I still see that. Why?

I think some of you really need to grasp the concept that just because we have stuff that we enjoy writing and reading does not mean we enjoy it in real life or support it in real life.

Fiction is a safe space for us to explore things. Not just writers but readers as well. I can enjoy exploring dynamics but that doesn’t mean that it’s something I would want in my real life. Take for example....I had the chance once to write a fic (not here) with a religious cult environment. It was super toxic and dangerous and that was part of the intrigue. It raised the stakes and honestly the dynamic was fun to explore. But I would in no way, shape or form want to be in that environment myself.

Not only can writing this stuff be a way to explore things safely, it can also be a way to process and help handle traumas and stresses. My fic Biohazard, is focused around the pandemic and some of the uglier sides of the medical field in addition to a romance/sex plot. And I literally write it because I am a responder knee deep in the trenches of this fucking pandemic. I decided to share that because while it’s helping me, it might also help others. 

I write things because I want to and because they help me and because I can explore things safely in the sanctum of fiction. But what is safe for me may not be safe for others and that is literally why the warnings and tags exist.

I’m going to be honest: it is incredibly hard not to be angry with a lot of you antis right now. Like a deep primal rage in me that could rival the heat of the sun. We are living in a time of a global crisis with an awful virus. I am watching in real time so many people DIE from this pandemic and die alone. Our entire medical system is being taxed to the fucking brink and we have a thousand and one problems that need to be fixed. A thousand and one hurtles to champion for and what do you pick?

Two D fucking lines. 

With all the time and energy some of you sink into this, you could actually address real world problems that are actively happening right now. But the fact is...most of you don’t want to actually “fix” anything. You want to destroy other people to elevate yourself and you pick an outlet that makes you have the “moral high ground” so to speak.

And I am so goddamn tired of it. 

Like I’m not saying you have to LIKE the content. Or even approve. But you literally don’t know anything about that person other than what they write out and believe it or not, fanfiction of any sort is not some kind of manifesto that authors put out on what we want in real life. It’s not a check list. It’s ok to not like the content. Just keep moving on with your life. Block the tag, filter it out and keep scrolling.

I don’t really talk about my experiences on here because one it’s a very personal thing and two a lot of what I see? It’s not something the average person can just hear casually. But I can tell you now in my line of work not only do I see grisly things, bloody things, violent things but I’ve also seen the effects of abuse on people. I have seen first fucking hand the look on someone’s face when they realized “someone just tried to kill me” or “that person nearly raped me”. 

You want to champion victims? Then go actively donate and support organizations or are supposed to actually help those survivors, not harass anonymous strangers over the internet that you make assumptions about without even knowing them based on their content. You want to make a change? Then go find ways to help the organizations that are dedicated to helping those people instead of directing that on fanfiction.

[firespirited]

I’ve had this song in my head

read more for tw:death tw:violence: tw:covid-19 tw:ableism tw:suicide

havn’t been able to get it out of my head and in a different way from your usual earworm. going back to the youtube page and pressing play like pressing on a bruise or pulling on a wound, disturbed by why a call to die is very much how I feel, someone spoke my ache into words and it’s wrong because i’ve got a depression that won’t quit and need to fight such dark thoughts. As I fell asleep my brain put two and two together and i’m not *quite* as disturbed anymore.

It’s not the same of course, but lately being a “vunerable” person with a “high risk” family has felt like being an acceptable civilian casualty, the cheap price for everyone else’s peace of mind and quality of life. You try to focus on all the people who are sacrificing and caring but the loudmouthed business interests speak over all the good, get their way at the majority’s expense. I’m afraid for the second wave and I’m afraid we’re already seeing distancing and hygiene fatigue that’ll set in before there’s a vaccine in 12-18 months, if said vaccine even proves safe for the at risk populace. I’m deeply upset at my mum’s nonchalance towards dying. I’m upset that they aren’t talking about how this is one of the worst ways to die. If you’ve been following for a while you’ll know I did extensive research into death and suicide specifically and joined groups that discussed these matters back in my late teens, early twenties cuz dad would threaten suicide or other high risk behaviour on the reg, at the time I didn’t know he was incapable of hurting himself, he was just toying with us.

...Blow me from the side of the mountain and into the sea...

For the past year or two before the plague arrived, i’d been having recurring dreams about an alternate world where I had a ex junkie roommate who was my best friend for years. She went in for routine surgery with a clear “no opiates” note on her file and been given morphine then i’d got myself in big trouble trying to ‘kidnap’ her to get to rehab. Her resentment ran deep because I represented guilt so she screwed me over big time, left me with ptsd. After time had gone by, we’d meet up and i’d hand her clean syringes, condoms, hygiene essentials. Help her map her veins for new sites. Cordial, sad, nothing more. Then she gets a lung disease where fluid builds up and you slowly drown and I work my ass off to get her a place in palliative care but can’t bring myself to visit but I know exactly how it’s going down because that’s the curse of knowing this stuff. I thought it was the brain’s way a way of dealing with unresolved issues wrt dad and his stroke or mazzie’s slow death far away or mum’s bad hospital stay, the guilt i felt for not being able to advocate for her. Sis thinks i might just have sleep apnea LOL that’s somehow comforting, I’ve had plenty of landmine dreams where I woke up with searing hip to foot pain so yeah. I don’t know. I really don’t know.

...Let me be the apple of your eye...

Then one february there’s a new SARS with lung fluid death and i’m suddenly faced with the concept that thousands won’t get sedation for THAT and I can’t explain, it’s like if you had a paranoia of ants and nightmares about ants and one day you woke up and there was a worldwide killer ant infestation being mismanaged. Can’t tell you how surreal this has been, writing my living will around the particle spray risk my body will pose to medical personnel if I code but really wanting to live some more if it’s survivable even if my liver’s shot and i breathe with a tank...having to know my loved one’s personal preferences about it all. i’m an expert at keeping distracted, just busy enough to keep the bad thoughts at bay but on any given day I can open the window and the neighbours are loudly discussing bad science, socially distancing 1 yard apart or a carer will knock on my door and want to talk over how scared *they* are of getting it, not to mention every business you’ve ever patronized wants to give their two cents.

So yeah there have been moments where i’m like “throw it at me world, let’s get it over with. I’ve been through excruciating pain and fear before, have at it” if I survive, i survive. ...I have a glint in my eye, I think I want to die...

But also sis has always assumed that her and I would die together and I can’t imagine going on without her. Folks think we’re twins, I’m the crutch to her autism and her the crutch to my ADHD, we’ve been a team as far back as I have memories. ...my blood, my blood..

So knowledge is supposed to be power but mind over matter is a lie. Knowing why you’re a mess doesn’t fix a thing so you tell yourself you have a mental cancer and you’ll take extra care and dog knows, I have. Maybe there has to be some space for the fear to scream, days we take to say I can’t take it any more , even though it’s wrong. Days where escapism doesn’t work so you wallow with your ugly thoughts and hope maybe your brain’ll make some extra serotonin? I could do with a good cry but nothing will come, it’ll happen at random and the toxic build up will seep outta my brain for a while. I want a big undignified messy meltdown. I want relief. I’ve wanted faith for so long and I want a fricking unicorn.

*         *          *          *          *         *          *

So I’ll pick myself up like a ragdoll, try to control what I can, do friday’s tasks, push it all down into a sore little ball ...my crystal guts... , look at my shiny plastic trinkets and hope for hope.

[littlestarcafe]

Mini Update: I'm doing better regarding c*vid; I partially got my sense of smell back and I'm slowly getting my sense of taste too

I'll probably be seeing a doctor next week to see how I'm doing and what to do later

[rosepegasusrp]

"I am the unfortunate bearer of bad news, sis. Our friend, Destiny Star-Bowie, might have come down with COVID-19!"

“No, she caught the Coronavirus?! Will she be okay?!”

[littlestarcafe]

Did I seriously mistake a simple chest pain cause by my period to a life threatening chest pain?

I swear having c*vid has made me more worried of the aftermath of how my body will function after this