#tw little person slur mentioned. only once tho | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

minimag1c · 10 months

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Holy shit I'm alive???!!! 😱😱😱😦😦😦😦 /J

Yeah probably the last one-shot if this year lmao

The family is growing

Cᴏᴏᴋɪᴇ ʀᴜɴ ᴀᴜ

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 :❥︎ᵈᵃʳᵏ ᶜʰᵒᶜᵒ

❥︎ʳᵉᵈ ᵛᵉˡᵛᵉᵗ

❥︎ˡⁱᶜᵒʳⁱᶜᵉ

❥︎ᵃᵖᵖˡᵉ ᶜⁱᵈᵉʳ (ᵒʳⁱᵍⁱⁿᵃˡ ᶜʰᵃʳᵃᶜᵗᵉʳ)

❦︎sʜɪᴘ

ᵈᵃʳᵏʳᵉᵈˡⁱᶜᵒ (ᵈᵃʳᵏ ᶜʰᵒᶜᵒ ˣ ʳᵉᵈ ᵛᵉˡᵛᵉᵗ ˣ ˡⁱᶜᵒʳⁱᶜᵉ)

➪Tw : slightly implied circle of abuse, mentions of past abuse, homophobia, transphobia, the f slur (tho I'm not going to write) and attempted sexual assault. Be cautious.

➪you all know at this rate that it will he ooc right? Cool.

➪Apple cider is only there for the plot (+ their backstory doesn't make any senses) since I don't usually use oc lol- Also! They use they/them pronouns.

➪The end is rushed sorry-

➪Request by @Vannilabomb

➪once again, I would like to apologize for my lack of writing skills and ability to fullfil correctly a request, it will happens again

♡︎♥︎♡︎♥︎

Dark choco was wandering around the streets at night after finishing his night shift.

At first, he wanted to stay because there were still some unfinished paperworks but then he remembered that his husbands Red velvet and Licorice were surely already home at that time and they were probably thinking about when he's going to go home too. Therefore, the latter preferred to have that though in his head, comforting him that despite a rough night, the two were waiting for him with warm chocolate drink and cuddles.

He smiled slightly at the thought.

Dark choco looked at his watch, seeing that already 9 pm. He widened his eyes.

"Already?? Damn it, I should walk faster." he thought as he accelerated his walk, holding a little more tightly his coat on his shoulder.

Dark choco cookie kept walking faster and faster, the light outside not really helping him to see correctly what was in front of him until they shut off. He groaned.

"Great, the electricity company really had to cut itself in the middle of the night and of course while I'm outside." he complained as he took his phone inside his pocket and activated its flashlight. He continued his walk, this time more cautious because of his limited light.

Until something bumped onto him, making him fall.

He yelped in surprise and groaned in pain, holding his bag. He tried to reajust himself to the dark in order to find where he bumped into something or probably someone but the moonlight wasn't enough for him to see in the dark.

However, the only thing he was sure is that his phone's was still on the floor, the flashlight on.

And that the mysterious shadow instantly took it and raw away in between the buildings.

It tooks three seconds for Dark choco to realize what happened and instinctively yelled. "HEY!" he immediately got up, still taking his jacket and and ran after the mysterious person, chasing them.

Luckily his vision wasn't that horrible despite having astigmatism and his myopia. Plus, the electricity came back but by the way the lights were not that bright, it was clear that it wasn't going to last long. And yet, he continued to run, holding his jacket tightly in order to make sure that it wouldn't fall off again. The mysterious shadow was small yet swift, dodging each trash bag and made sure they don't bump on the corner of a building but that didn't stopped Dark choco who only sped up.

"Come back here!" he yelled but the unknown person only sped up, only looking at the taller man from time to time. They didn't spoke yet their looks seemed to say something in those lines.

"Go fuck yourself, I'm not going to slow down!"

Dark choco grumbled as the two didn't stopped their track. However, the thief started to really seems tired while the older man kept his track. In the end, the mysterious person have met a dead end and there was no way out this time, not even a narrow street that could be used for an exit.

They gulped in anticipation and shakingly turned their head only to yelp in surprise when Dark choco took their wrists and cornered them. Still, they kept squirming, trying to let go his grip but he was just too strong for them, making the thief unable to fight back properly.

"Look-" Dark choco started as the person started to give up on trying to fight back the adult. "- I don't want to hurt you. I want to make it clear but just give me back what is mine and I'll let you go alright?" He negotiated with them.

"L-let me go! Let me-" they kept squirming but Dark choco cookie held a firm grip on them. Seeing how it was useless, the thief suddenly stopped but still, they looked at the other cookie, an indescribable expression on their face as the poor lighting of the streets light weren't helping either.

"Please let me go." They almost pleaded. Dark choco was taken aback a bit by their voice.

They seemed so young. Too young to steal already.

"Give me back what is mine first and I'll let you go" he insisted. They grumbled.

"Please, j-just-" they wanted to seem strong and confident but it was clear that they were actually scared. Dark choco cookie felt slightly bad for them but he still kept his grip on the smaller cookie firm, just in case. They bit their lips before continuing, slightly more panicked. "Yo-you don't understand, sir! I need it!"

The older cookie was taken aback by what the youngster have said. They needed his phone? But why? Well, he meant the fact that despite needing his phone, it wasn't actually an expensive one. Heck, he had it for almost 4 years and at this rate, the phone had already too much bugs and late updates, the thing probably didn't cost that much anymore.

"Look if you're planning to sell it I'm sorry but I don't think it will be worth it" Dark choco cookie resonated. The small cookie widened their eyes and the taller one swore that for a moment, a flash of dread and worry went past in their eyes before they growled and made another useless attempt to free themselves.

"Why should I even trust you or what you're saying???" They snarled but Dark choco didn't seemed to flinch nor affected by the other cookie's harshness.

After all, it was just a kid. A child who was trying to steal properly.

And that though really bothered Dark choco. They were told young to do that.

The youngster was still trying to go away until the two cookies heard a weird odd sound. Dark choco would have thought that it came from outside if it wasn't for the smaller cookie who yelped in pain and instead let go of the phone as they clutched their side, gritting their teeth in pain. Dark choco seemed startled by their reaction as he instinctively let go of them.

Somehow, the child didn't try to run away even though it was an opportunity but they seemed to be in too much pain to notice it. They clutched as they shut their eyes tightly as the taller cookie stepped out a bit, concerned at their attitude.

"Hey... Are you okay?" He asked. Well of course not, they were not okay! But- he didn't knew how to start of another conversation, mainly when he actually wanted to help.

The kid shakily waved their hand to dismiss his words as they breathed out heavily.

"Y-yeah I'm okay I-" they didn't had time to finish their sentence as the pain only got worse as they crouched down in half, getting even more uncomfortable. Dark choco winced in empathy, thought he still didn't knew what was happening to them.

Until he trailed hus eyes on their side and noticed the small puddle of blood that started to form on the fabric of their dirty t-shirt.

Immediately, the older cookie went into dad mode as he kneeled to their level, his eyes were wide and filled with concern.

"Kiddo! Your side-! You're bleeding-!!" He exclaimed in a alarming tone while he instinctively raised his hand to see the wound, not knowing how to exactly react but the child was still stubbornly trying to get up on their own however, that only tired them even more as their breathing quicken and started to get shaky and short.

They watched Dark choco from the ground, feeling tears building up on the corner of their eyes but they quickly wiped the droplet that were about to ran down on their cheeks, trying to be seen as "tough" and not a "crybaby" like how their parents kept calling them every they would shed a single tear.

The older cookie was a bit destabilized and panicked a bit but quickly try to help them as much as he could.

"Please kid, let me see it" he said, almost in a pleading way, still trying to use soft tone. The child flinched a bit seeing Dark choco cookie's hand reaching out towards them. That made the other cookie's heart broken a bit, seeing that despite how he tried to be gentle and friendly towards them, they still seemed to be in alert and scared, probably scared of him.

Just the thought of it made his heart aches even more.

"Listen kid I-" he took a small breath before continuing, a bit shaky. "-I'm not going to hurt you alright? I'm just- I'm just going to check on it-" he explained. The child was a bit unsure but they remembered their conditions on the current : the two were in the middle of the night, in small narrow dark street and if they would come back to their house, their parents wouldn't be that happy to see them even though they literally ran away yesterday and never answered to their calls...

In the end, even if the young cookie didn't even knew the taller one as they even tried to steal his phone, he seemed more... Trustworthy? He seemed way nicer and gentle than their own parents. And he even minded that they stole their belongings!

Slowly, the kid raised a bit their t-shirt to reveal their wound as dark choco delicately inspected it.

He winced at the sight.

There was a huge crack and even a hole on the cookie's dough that the latter have tried to fill with an handkerchief that was soaked with strawberry jam and even bleeding out from it. Seeing how the blood was still coming out of the wound, dark choco knew that it was still fresh but the fact that the child didn't even try to at least take care of their wound means that they didn't cared about themselves for a while now and that worried him.

"Kid, how long did you had... This? You told no one didn't you? Not even your parents?" He asked, a bit hesitant, mainly on the last part. They said nothing, avoiding his gaze as much as they could. Dark choco frowned a bit but he was more focused on the thing that was worrying him about the child.

Did their parents actually didn't care that they got hurt? Or was the kid afraid that they would be angry at them?? Or else- no no they wouldn't hurt them, not that badly! Dark choco really hoped that it was something else, but the idea that those kind of parents would do this to their own child was sickening to him..

"Look i-...-i'm going to take you to my home alright? It's not really safe out there and I don't think there aren't hospitals nor pharmacies open around this hour. Of course, you can say no but- I really want to insist the fact that I just want to help you alright?" He said, his gaze switching from the child's face to his wound back and forth. The younger cookie's face was a mix surprise and disbelief, finally looking at him who tried to pull on a gentle smile.

They hesitated a bit, not knowing what do to before reculantly nodding weakly. Dark choco hummed in satisfaction as he got up and reached out his hand for the child to take it.

And the latter slowly but now firmly took it as they clumsily got up too.

-🍫-

"Dark choco! It was about to time you-! wait- is that a kid-?" Licorice exclaimed but soon got confused and surprised when he saw his husband with a young unknown cookie who sheepishly hid behind him. Red velvet was in his desk when he heard the voices as he poked his head out of the room, his eyes also widening a bit in surprise as he saw that Dark choco came didn't came back alone.

"Wait hun? What is this kid doing with you-?" The other man asked, widening his eyes a bit. Dark choco smiled a bit as he mentioned for the child to go furthermore behind him in case if they felt way too much uncomfortable with his husbands.

"They were lost so I'm trying to help them a bit just this night. They didn't knew where their parents where therefore I will call them after they would be safe" he explained. The child felt a bit relieved that he didn't try to tell the two everything and the reason why they were here as well with the fact that they had a severe wound on their side.

But the thing that happened next shocked them.

As Licorice hummed in satisfaction and Red velvet nodded in comprehension, Dark choco went towards them as he kissed the two on the lips in which both Licorice and Red velvet gave back the kiss with enthusiasm as one of them even wrapped his arms around Dark choco's waist.

The child couldn't help but cringe a bit.

They didn't knew that the man that took them was actually a homosexual man, and less in a relationship with not only one, but two men! Ever since they were little, the kid would hear from their parents that gay men as well as the LGBT community were the plague of society who only groomed children and were destined for hell as both of them would always call them with a word that started with f and that the child really founded ugly to hear.

And yet... Dark choco was nice? They didn't knew if he was just playing with them or not but during the entire time, he was caring towards them despite their rough start and if he wanted to kidnap them, he would already do that long time ago and probably, hurt them even more.

Plus they never felt like a girl nor a boy but never tell them about it, fearing them.

"Sorry hun I would like to continue more but there's a child I need to take care of", Dark choco's sing-song voice drove the kid back to reality. They swore they saw for a glimpse of second a pouting expression on the cookie who had a red face as well as crimson features as the other one with dark blue dreadlocks laughed a bit, covering his mouth. Dark choco smiled as he kissed him last time on the cheek as some sort of apology before taking the child's hand. It took them a few seconds to calm down as they instinctively tensed up like everytime someone would touch them without warning.

"Come, I'll guide you to the guestroom"

Dark choco but still, he waited for them to make the first step in order to not make them even more uncomfortable. The child hesitated before nodding and following the taller and older cookie. Dark choco couldn't help but smile a bit, seeing that they were actually trusting him a bit now.

It wasn't probably a full trust but at least, the both of them are making progress.

-🍫-

"Would you mind telling me your name?"

"..."

"Mmh. I understand, I will give you time but if you really don't want to that's fine as well"

Dark choco tried to make sure the kid was feeling comfortable in the guestroom while he was rummaging through the closet to find the first aid kit. The younger cookie was nervously sitting on the large bed, fidgeting with their fingers as the taller cookie came back towards them, bandages and alcohol in his hands as he kneeled down to their level.

"Can you pull out your shirt now a bit? You don't need to remove it. Just enough for me to see entirely the crack" he reassured.

This time, dark choco noticed that the child was a bit more cooperative than when the two were in the streets.

He couldn't help but feel a bit swell of pride by thinking that probably they felt a bit safer now with him.

Dark choco came back to reality as he inspected furthermore the crack on the child's stomach. At the same time, he was soaking a piece of cotton with alcohol as he warned before continuing.

"Sorry kid it might sting a bit" he said. The child in question bit their lips as they took a small, shaky breath.

Dark choco hesitated a bit but he knew that waiting even more would make the crack worse therefore he decided to directly put the soaked cotton on the main crack.

The child never felt something cold and spiky at the same time as they winced before calming down muttering a sorry. Dark choco smiled.

"It's okay, it would sting a bit but I'll try to be gentle with you" he spoke softly. The child nodded shakily.

The older cookie wanted to make them more comfortable around him as he started the conversation.

"Soo... Are you okay"

Alright. Maybe starting the conversation with this kind of question when he was literally fixing (if we could say that in a way) the huge crack on a younger cookie's skin was not the best approach. But eh, at least he tried his best.

"A bit... Tired actually" the child actually spoke, or more like mumbled, for the first time since the two went inside the house. They hesitated a but before asking what was bothering them ever since they saw Red velvet cookie as well as Licorice cookie.

"Uhm... I'm actually sorry for asking but- those guys.." they trailed off in the end. Dark choco hummed as he understood what they meant.

"Oh them? They're actually my husbands" the older cookie said. The child got even more surprised.

"Wait the TWO of them are BOTH your husbands??" They asked, credulous. Dark choco nodded as he chuckled a bit.

"Hey, we have been married for five years now. Yeah, it's a bit recent but eh." He laughed a bit seeing the child's reaction. "What? You never saw a couple of three people before?" His tone wasn't teasing nor playful. In fact, he was genuinely intrigued by them. With a bit of shame, they nodded slowly, head hung low.

"No uhm- sorry sir-"

"That's fine, it's probably all new for you"

Dark choco wanted to talk with them more in order to make sure they were comfortable with him but seeing how actually quite severe the wound and crack was, he needed to know how on earth they ended up that hurt AND without telling anyone.

"Kiddo.." he started, still a bit hesitant.

"Mmh ?"

"Please... At least tell me. Look if you don't want to tell me your name that's fine I just-" he paused before continuing, this time more tense.

"... Who did this to you?"

The question made the child's blood running cold as they widened their eyes. Of course, they knew that Dark choco would eventually ask them how on earth did they got that crack but they hadn't excepted him to ask about it- so soon.

They hesitated to tell and nearly wanted to play the muted person again but they have already closed their mouth enough as they spoke, their tone tense.

"Them- they.... They did this to me"

Dark choco wanted to raise an eyebrow but felt that it wasn't really an appropriate reaction on the current. Still, he asked

"... Them? What do you mean by The-"

"My parents."

The answer was short and quick but the child felt a weird, odd sensation filling them inside. Dark choco widened his eyes, not processing fully at first what they just said before realizing it. His face then went pale for a second.

"What?"

The child felt a feeling of regret and guilt slowly washing over them, talking about their parents in this way. Still, they continued to talk.

"They were the one who have done this, well, mainly my father. It's-" they stopped talking as their fist clenched even more. Dark choco saw how tensed they became as he softly brushed his fingers on their knuckles, speaking in a caring way.

"Kid, it's okay if you don't want to tell me. After all, you're the one who thinks if you're comfortable enough to do i-" he got cut off again when they spoke, gritting their teeth a bit.

"No no it's okay I-" they cut themselves again as they sighed in exasperation and a hint of frustration as well, finally letting everything out. "They have been doing this for a while now but that day, it was worse than any bruises they have done before.."

Dark choco let them speak as they continued, their gaze blank, an indescribable expression on their face.

"They wanted me to stay still a-and told me that I would be punished if I disobeyed them but.. but i-i- I didn't listened to them a-and he- he-" the child's tone became more and more shaky as their vision became blurry from the tears that haven't spilled yet. The taller cookie saw how distressed they seemed as he quickly intervened, concerned and worried.

"H-hey kid, please- you need to relax- look or listen I don't know- if you're not comfortable enough to tell it don't I'm begging y-"

"He tried to touch me! He wanted to use the opportunity to take advantage of me!!" They suddenly yelled as a few tears trailed down to their cheeks. It that moment, they broke down.

"I only wanted to prove myself to them! I only wanted to show how I was willing to do anything, even if it hurted me in the inside, but they never cared to aknowledge it in the slightest! And all they could think is how useless I am and not how many efforts I put to just please them a bit!! And a-and-"

They stopped as they sniffed loudly, wiping violently the tears that haven't spilled on their cheeks. In the end, they continued, this time their tone was even more shaky with a barely audible voice audible.

"And when I finally fought back, the-they well he mostly, wanted to punish me.." they finished, letting out a small choked hick. Dark choco only stood (well more like kneeled down) there, unable to process properly everything that they have just said, his eyes wide before his surprise and shocked expression changed into pity and worry.

"S-sorry I didn't meant to yell and tell you everything I-" they didn't had time to finish their sentence as they felt the taller cookie hugging them close. They let out a small surprised gasp with widening eyes.

"God..." Dark choco started, not knowing how to start off his sentence. "I-it's okay, it's just- i-i'm so sorry for what happened to you, you didn't deserve any of that"

Actually, Dark choco cookie wasn't the best when it came to comforting words and emotional speech and mainly now because that kind of problem actually happened to him before. Well, it wasn't that severe like this but it did took a while for him to actually heal his relationship with his father.

And hearing such horrible situation from a child upset him so much.

The younger cookie in question didn't knew what to do, unable to process entirely what happened as they hesitantly and slowly raised their arms in a shaky wag to hug back the older cookie.

"I-it's-" they started as they bit their lips, not knowing how to talk furthermore.

"No it's not okay. Kid, you need to know that it's NOT okay to live like this, to have parents like this, to have such a father" Dark choco felt disgusted upon applying that statue to someone who was that much disgusting. He continued. "Listen, I know you won't probably trust me or something in this way but I will let you be here for this night until I find someone to take care of you, I can't- okay listen I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to bring you back when you-" he paused, before continuing, this time his tone was more hesitant. "When your parents do this to you"

The child though about it, shutting their eyes a bit as they though about it, their tone still a bit shaky yet firm at the same time.

"... M-maybe I can rest here a bit. Well, for now.." they said. Dark choco smiled a bit before the smaller cookie spoke again. "Th-thank you by the way-" they wobbly thanked as the other cookie nodded.

"It's nothing. Now you need to rest up, it's quite late"

The child nodded as Dark choco's hug loosened a bit but not letting them go entirely. The child didn't minded it that much, they didn't wanted to let go too.

The two sat on the large bed in a comfortable silence until the child finally spoke.

"Apple cider"

"Mmh?"

"My name is... Apple cider. Apple cider cookie"

Dark choco's eyes widened a bit before he smiled again.

"Alright then. Nice to meet you, Apple cider cookie. Mine is Dark choco cookie"

Apple cider hummed in a half muffled tone as they buried themselves a bit more onto the older cookie's embrace as for the first time in a while, they smiled lightly.

Enough to know that they were safe.

----

Wattpad version

Archive of our own version

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{4371 words}

Wasn't it supposed to be fluff family th- shhhh

-Miranto

06/12/2023

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tendous-socks · 3 years

Text

TOKYO REVENGERS HEADCANONS OF ME BEING NON BINARY / REACTING TO SOMEONE BEING NON BINARY

tw: ⚠️⚠️kisaki⚠️⚠️ and manga spoilers, mentions of death, transphobia,

would misgender and dead-name me

1.kisaki.

must i need an explanation?😐

2. shion

“ what’re you gonna do about it?? HUH?? WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT ???”

actively looks for a fight

… if y’all are in a relationship he’d still call you his “girl” but beats people up for doing so….

3. mucho

i get the vibes that he’s traditional

would silently stare in judgment

4. mochi

he just doesn’t care clslfkxkslk

thinks it’s weird

“ nor/mal”

7. rindou..

“you either have a pen or a vag. “

8.ran

“interesting”

*continues dead naming me*

9. KOKO

he would be nicer about it when he’s in toman due to inui… but once they’re separated- an ABSOLUTE MEANCE

… reluctantly apart of the protection squad with inui ( enjoys beating people up tho)

10. bontent mikey

… he’s just so tired and doesn’t really care ) that is if you’re not close with him… but then again how close can you really get?)

11. ) PAH CHIN

AND ONLY BECAUSE HE WAS IGNORANT AND HIS FATHER DIDN BELIEVE IN THAT STUFF AND HE DIDNT KNOW BUT THEN ( if y’all are close ) HE’D FEEL BAD AND AFTER YOU EXPLAINED IT TO HIM HE TOLD PEH CHIN TOO AND WERE SURPRISINGLY SUPPORTIVE

but if y’all ain’t close he would slowly get the hint… this is canon.

because i said so-

11. sanzu…

he’s quietly judging you

EDIT

SOMEONE SAID SANZU WOULD USE ANY PRONOUNS AND I REALLY LIKE THAT HC-

SO SANZU WOULD PROBABLY JUST ‘ SILENTLY JUDGE YOU’ SO OTHERS DONT CATCH ON MHMHM

12. akashi

traditional- plus it was a different era for him growing up so…

(would glare at someone if he really did see you getting emotionally distressed)

13. smiley

“ that’s one of the most stupidest shit ive ever fucking heard 😁”

.🙁

“ you either have tits or a dick “

.☹️

but would beat people up if you get SUPER upset ( call it his protect instincts with angry, but would send people to the hospital)

14. taiju

“ i wanna church girl who goes to church and reads her bible “

would spit at me

- WHO WOULD BEAT SOMEONE UP FOR DEAD-NAMING / MISGENDERING

1. PAH CHIN AND PEH YAN

THEYRE ABSOLUTE MENACES TO SOCIETY IF SOMEONE CALLS YOU A GIRL / BOY

head canon : during tenjiku you were there and had to adjust your transtape cause it was coming lose 🙄

which is literally the most annoying thing in the world-

and shion saw you.

he came up and was like “ HUH WHAT’VE WE GOT HERE?? A GIRL PRETENDING TO BE A G-“

couldn’t even finish his sentence with how fast peh chin clocked his ass 🤭

( peh yan supremacy)

2. my main man takemichy

no explanation needed ( maybe deadnamed you only once cause he didn’t know)

3. inui cause i said so

5. BAJI BAJI

BAJI WOULD ALMOST KILL A DUDE FOR CALLING YOU YOUR DEAD NAME

i KNOW mama baji raised him right ✋🙄

almost clocked chifuyu when you told him about your first encounter kcksldofospdoco

almost clocked your mom when she said “you got it girlfriend”

she was confused when she saw you desperately trying to prevent the next criminal minds episode

best listener for body dystrophia fight me 🙉❤️

6. senju

*comes out*

“..oh okay! anyways as i was saying [preferred name] “

would need some gentle reminders only once or twice cause i will say it does take a bit of time for people to get used to it and there are always a few slip ups

tells akashi about your pronouns ( ONLY WITH YOUR CONSENT OFC)

( promises to try and be more girly if he calls you by them and your preferred name)

she wants you to go into more details about what you’re feeling cause she’s genuinely very interested about everything and she wants to know more about you.

7. emma 😻 vv supportive 🙌🙌

*sicks mikey and draken out on anyone who hurts your feelings

“you know [blah blah blah] from history?”

“of course yeah “

“yeah he ended up calling me slur during class- what’re you doing?”

*emma pulling out her phone

“hm? oh nothing don’t worry about it”

gave more insight about it to draken and mikey

8. HINA

YALL SAW HOW SHE SLAPPED MIKEY-

THIS GIRL WOULD D R A G A BITCH BY THEIR HAIR IF SHE SAW THEM BULLYING YOU

the one of correct takemichy

9. yuzuha

hina but 10x worse

trips transphobes for shit and giggles 🤪🤞

i like to think that the girls (all 4) would just all stare down a girl who was shit talking you and just pick her apart mercilessly ( a little ooc but this is my head canons so they can be whatever i say they are)

ones idk about

1. mikey

he knows that you can handle yourself so he lets you correct people.

sometimes he’ll jump in and correct them instead for one of two reasons.

1. he felt like it

2. they kept calling you your dead name and misgendering you EVEN THOUGH you already corrected them

but if the person ACTIVELY does that and says some… not so fruity things. he’ll send em to the hospital and end up on life support 😌☝️

like dom tertto, he cares about his family. and toman is his family, and you’re in toman ( not THAT kind of y/n way 🙄 )

“ BE WHO YOU AREE🌈🌈🌈🌈🤪🤞🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈”

1. draken

… listen… idk why, but i just don’t SEE him beating people up for misgendering me… well okay i kinda see it,

but he’d be like, “ i don’t understand what you’re going through, but i support you and if you want to talk about it i’m here”

wants to try and understand so like i said before, he lets you rant about what you’re feeling

would let you handle your own battles cause your strong enough to

a true king 😎🙌

does in fact throw punches when it gets REALLY BAD

2. angry

… idk h o w empathic he is and how mad he’d have to be on your behalf when people actively kept misgendering you to become the blue ogre.

but he’d just start crying at the confrontation.. 😐

my hero ig 🤥

3. izana

“ that’s fucking stupid”

*beats up middle aged woman who said for you to “ have a good day ma’am”

but if y’all close he’ll only say it’s stupid once when he sees you genuinely upset and ignoring him

“ be who you are.. 🌈”

4. kaku

same boat as izana, A LOT less judgmental

5. mitsuya

won’t hesitate to send a bitch flying

actively corrects people

( teaches luna and mana about your pronouns for the next time you come over 🕺🏻)

TAKES YOU SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES

6. haitani brothers

*actively bullies you

*bullies kid into the grave for looking at your chest area

7. …hakkai

he accidentally slipped up once🤒

WHEN I SAY THIS MANS FACE WENT PALE- HE DIDNT TALK TO YOU FOR A W E E K MINIUM CAUSE HE FELT SO BAD

YOU KEPT TELLING HIM THAT ITS FINE-

BUT HE FELT AWFUL

( has nightmares about it)

8. chifuyu would only do it in his mohawk era cause he wanted to seem metal and impress da boys 🥶🥶☝️☝️

pulled you aside at the end of the day to apologize

( like i said before, baji almost clocked him when you told him about your first encounter )

who am i kidding they’re all in gangs, they’d probably kill someone if they hurt you cospwpfoslief

——————

IF YALL GOT ANYMORE IDEAS LMK CAUSE IM INVESTED IN YHIS AND WANNA HEAR WHAT YALL THINK

#tokyo revengers drabbles #tokyo revengers scenarios #tokyo revengers taiju #tokyo revengers spoilers #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers mikey #tokyo revengers draken #hakkai #chifuyu headcanons #tokrev baji #tokrev #ran haitani x reader #haitani brothers #rindou haitani #non bianry #enby #tokyo revengers senju #emma sano

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omegawolverine · 4 years

Note

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

#shit self #asks #the get down #mylene cruz #shaolin fantastic #dizzee kipling #long post #analysis #info dump #idk if anon has seen tgd or is just being nice so i tried givinh background to things #kinz #bangerz #discourse

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its-just-a-fayz · 6 years

Text

Heartbeat On Air: Chapter 5

it’s late but it’s here and it’s 2k. also posting during school because...heck the rules. shout out to @sweetlialia for sending words of encouragement when i had to announce the chapter was late ur the best

title:heartbeat on air

masterpost

ships/pairings:ladrison (astrid x diana) and sinn (sam x quinn) with some platonic sastrid in the mix, also lana x dekka and lana x sinn get a smol mention in this chapter

things you probably wanna know:radio dj au, all ur faves are gay unless they’re villains sorry hets (some of you are lovely but I’m starved for representation), everyone is like, 18 in the present time thing

summary: All it takes is hearing Diana’s (aka Huntress) voice over the radio, and Astrid is in love. Sam knows that Astrid falling for Diana is tied up in his own complicated family issues, but keeps silent, wanting to give his friend the romance of her dreams. Yet things become more complicated when Sam and his boyfriend, Quinn, are caught up in a sadistic plot by Caine Soren to win back his ex. tw/cw:a lot of homophobia. like, a shit ton. and based somewhat off of my personal experience so it’s not just “ooooo slur how Evil”

tag list: @emilybarger @lordcheesy @sheeswee @tayuya3 @sweetlialia @thesickeststupidestcreep as always let me know if you’d like to be added/removed!

chapter 5/a shitload idk bro

word count:2,058

[[chapter 4]] (((ao3))) [[chapter 6]]

Moving past the awkwardness, the sleepover was fun. Astrid and Sam stayed up talking late, long after Diana signed off with “good night” and a few heart emojis.

Speaking of which, texting Diana went great. They picked up from their conversation at the festival, and Astrid loved it. Talking wasn’t awkward over text-they both used similar, internet-type grammar, unlike a certain Sam Temple.

When she was done texting with Diana, it was Sam’s turn to talk about his crush, or rather, boyfriend. Astrid knew about him, but nothing beyond that they were dating.

Talking about Quinn made Sam happy, and there was no end in sight to the stories Sam told about his boyfriend. They only stopped talking at three AM, when both realized that they had things to do the next day, and didn’t want to be completely sleep deprived.

Sam passed out on the floor, cocooned in a blanket and resting his head on a throw pillow, while Astrid took the couch in her sleeping bag. They slept peacefully until morning.

Ping. Sam’s phone lit up with a new text. He opened one eye to look at the phone lying on the carpet near his head. It was from Quinn. With a quick glance at Astrid, who was fast asleep, he opened his phone and looked at the message.

Ready for a hot date tonight ;)

Oh fuck. Sam had nearly forgotten about his date with Quinn, what with the all-encompassing craziness that was last night. He’d mentioned it to Astrid maybe once.

He also would have to tell Quinn about everything with Caine. Since Caine’s proposal involved Quinn, and Sam really didn’t have anyone to talk about this with, he was going to have to tell Quinn tonight.

Can’t wait! I have smth to tell u about then tho

Is it serious

Ya a little. But I want to talk w u about it

Ok, can’t wait. Gtg I have a job interview wish me luck

Good luck, see you later.

Sam gave a small sigh, releasing the tension from his shoulders. At least he had Quinn to talk to. They could come up with something together to keep Caine out of their lives.

Also, as Sam read over the texts, he realized that Astrid had corrupted his texting style. She almost exclusively texted in abbreviations and awful grammar, and Sam, who much preferred short, well spelled messages had initially hated it. But it appeared that he’d adapted it, to a certain extent. He looked over at Astrid, who was sleeping away on the couch even as sun shined through the tiny window in the basement.

He was going to have to tell her about this sometime soon. Sam knew it was only prolonging the inevitable, but he wanted Astrid to be happy. And, if last night was any indicator, Diana made Astrid incredibly happy. Sam could see that they were going to be such a power couple. Caine was the only one fucking with the situation in this case, and Sam was probably the person with the power to stop him. At least when his brother was giving the threat, Sam knew him better than most.

It was 10:45 am. Probably about time for Sam to get up and do stuff. He had to go home, and probably tell his mom that he’d slept over at Astrid’s. Of course, he’d sent her a text, but she was usually too distracted to check her phone. Getting sued was stressful, and she was obsessing over money. Sam worried about her, but he had his own things to deal with right now. Like finding a job and making sure Caine didn’t ruin his life.

Sam got up from the floor and went over to Astrid. Knowing her, she had something to do today. Considering how anxious she got sometimes, she probably wouldn’t be happy sleeping in until noon.

“Astrid. Astrid, it’s 10:45. Time to wake up,” Sam said, nudging at her sleeping bag.

“Is it really? I’m hungry.” Astrid’s voice was muffled, and she poked her head out from inside the bag. Her hair clung to the sleeping bag with static. “I want pancakes.”

“Me too,” Sam said, realizing that he was pretty hungry. “There’s a breakfast place near here.”

“Yeah. That,” Astrid said, untangling herself from the sleeping bag, which had gotten rather contorted during the night. “Maybe you should go home though. You didn’t bring a change a of clothes.”

“I didn’t, didn’t I. Well, if you still want to meet up with me for breakfast, I can go home and come back to that little cafe sometime around noon. You’re probably sick of me.” Sam tried to smooth out his shirt, becoming aware of the wrinkles dotting it.

“Nah. I’m not sick of you yet. I will be after another two hours of interacting with you, though,” Astrid said, stretching and yawning, “I feel like that’s when I’ll start wanting to strangle you.” Sam was getting the vibe that Astrid was very...odd when she’d just woken up. Filterless, and interesting, but temporary.

“Alright, I’ll get out of here. Noon, right?” Sam asked, mentally calculating where his things were in the room.

***

Breakfast with Astrid was quick, just Sam filling her in on his mom’s mood (bad, she hadn’t said anything about him not coming home last night), and Astrid telling him Diana had texted her that morning. They were kind of sick of each other, and went their separate ways after finishing their pancakes.

Sam drove home from the cafe to a silent house. He checked his phone for anything new, of which there wasn’t much. Just a few groupchats, a spare meme, and a message from Caine.

Remember what I told you last night.

Several profanities ran through Sam’s head as he read it. Evidently, there was no chance of Caine letting his threat fall by the wayside. One more thing to tell Quinn about tonight.

To kill time before the date, Sam actually took time to look for a job online and sent out some emails. While college had always been something he’d wanted to do, Sam couldn’t leave his mom behind. Everything in the last few years-finding Caine, him and Quinn, their financial situation, and the trial-had worn on her a lot. She was overworked at the hospital, and stressed out everywhere else. Her mental and physical health were in decline, and Sam couldn’t imagine leaving her alone.

When it came time, Sam threw on a jacket and went down to his and Quinn’s usual restaurant. It was a small old-style diner near the waterfront, called The Healing Place. Despite the odd name(or maybe because of it), it was one of the few places where he and Quinn could have a casual date without getting odd glances.

Lana and Dekka ran the place together. They were pretty obviously in love, and weren’t shy about their affections. The result was that the place was free of homophobes. Lana also had a boyfriend, which only served to make the diner seem more accepting. It was a cute, small little place, with a short menu and several private booths.

It was only a short walk away from Sam’s house, so he got time to think to himself. Sam remembered how he’d met Lana and found The Healing Place.

***

The relationship was new. It had been a week or so since he and Quinn had taken the jump from just-friends-nothing-more to boyfriends. So far, it was enjoyable. The honeymoon phase that Sam thought they would grow out of.

Mostly, they met to surf and kiss and talk. No official dates yet, just love notes in class and clandestine meetings by the waves. It was a sweet secret that Sam hadn’t told anyone about, because it felt so good to be with Quinn that he didn’t want anyone to ruin it.

They’d arranged to do…things after surfing with everyone else in their crew. So they spent an hour out on the ocean with their friends, competing with each other to catch the biggest waves, to do the craziest things. Eventually, everyone decided it was about time to go home. Sam and Quinn told their usual lie that oh, my house is this way, and waited until everyone had walked away.

Sam took Quinn’s hands in his own, and said, “So, down for another wave or two?”

“Only if you go with me,” Quinn said, leaning over to kiss Sam, putting one arm over his shoulder and leaning in more. Sam deepened the kiss, and it wasn’t long before they were making out on the beach, bodies pressed together.

Quinn broke the kiss after a while, “Ah, finally I get to kiss you.” A smile spread across his face. “You looked really good out there.”

“Did I? I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you,” Sam said, kissing Quinn again. They’d been desperate for another moment like this, after being too busy with school to surf all week. Neither of them were willing to risk using empty classrooms or closets at school to spend quality time together. Breaking apart, they took a good second to stare into each others eyes, savoring each others presence. It was a peaceful moment, a bubble of time where nothing could go wrong.

But something popped it. Voices, and footsteps were approaching, and a bad feeling started to sink into Sam’s stomach. They broke apart, but the damage was already done.

“What the hell?” someone said, and then a “Wait, are they…gay?” The voices were derisive, the contempt and confusion brewing a storm on the calm beach.

The two boys looked to find their friends, or their now ex-friends saying things to them that Sam had mostly blocked out from his memory. The message was clear though. Nobody was comfortable having them there. It would be weird. Too much like…those people. They weren’t homophobic, but…as long as Sam and Quinn were dating, they weren’t welcome in the Perdido Surfing Crew. A name that Quinn himself had come up with.

Quinn started crying and Sam had led him away, holding his boyfriend’s hand and walking as far away from them as he could, kicking up sand as he went.

Sam stopped when they reached a road. They sat down on the side of it, tears still pouring from Quinn’s eyes, and a few from Sam’s as well.

“Hey, it’s gonna be ok,” Sam said, squeezing Quinn’s hand, “We-we don’t need them. If they couldn’t accept us dating, they’re not worth our time.” His voice was shaking, the reassurance as much for him as for Quinn.

The two sat there for a long time, Sam trying his best to be calming, but they were both panicking nonetheless. The setting sun behind them only made the situation seem more grim when the sky changed from warm daylight to empty blackness.

When they thought there weren’t any more tears to cry, and were just sitting there, shaking from the cold, Quinn turned his head and said, “We’re going to be ok, right?”

“Yeah,” Sam said.

“They’re not going to ruin this, right?”

“No,” Sam said, and leaned to Quinn, and after a moment of hesitation, pressed his mouth to the other boy’s. He needed their closeness right then, needed to feel the salt of the ocean and their tears blending together underneath his lips. It lasted only a second, but the kiss told both of them everything that couldn’t be said. They were in this together.

“You two look like you need a place to warm up,” an unfamiliar voice said. “Come on in. I’m Lana, and you two make a sad ass pair.”

Sam and Quinn got up off the ground and followed Lana into her restaurant. She gave them food, bundled them in blankets, and gave them hot tea to drink while they told her what had happened. When Quinn insisted that he pay her back, she shrugged and said it was on the house. Then, she told them about her girlfriend Dekka, and how they were always welcome here.

They’d gone to The Healing Place for dates ever since. While the name might seem a little weird, it was true to the establishment. Lana did more than serve food, she healed the souls of troubled people with conversation and love.

#gone #gone series #homophobia cw #homophobia tw #sinn #ladrison #diana ladris #astrid ellison #sam temple #caine soren #quinn gaither #i'm going to fight tumblr's formatting let me copy paste my italics #wc:2k #wip #fanfic #gone fic #starredwrites

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littleoldrachel · 7 years

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Sixth chapter is up! Read it here on ao3, or here on ff.net, or under the cut.

***Shoutout to @croatoanmary who is wonderful and lovely and deserves only nice things <3***

100 Ways to Say I Love You

Summary: In which actions speak louder than words, Sirius and Remus sort of fall in to a relationship, and even though neither of them have said those three all-important words, they both know it anyway.Or: 100 Ways to Say I Love You by Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

Previous | chapter 6/100 - “Have a good day at work.” | Next

Based on this post by p0ck3tf0x.

Tw for mentions of anxiety.

Smart-casual.

What does that even mean?

Sirius stares himself down in the mirror – his hair has never looked glossier, his eyeliner is absolutely on point, his highlight is making him fucking glow. His outfit on the other hand – he’s not so confident. Which is less than ideal, considering today marks his first day at Queerllustration, where, judging by what he’d seen at his interview, he’ll be surrounded by beautifully-dressed and well put together arty types; he cannot fuck up this look.

(Is it possible that he’s pinning too much meaning on his make-up and clothing, and not enough on the actual this-is-his-first-day-working-at-Queerllustration part of things? Yes, very, but that’s only because if he stops to think about that fact for even a second, then he will actually implode from anxiety – really, fashion is the only thing holding him together at this point).

A small part of him is livid at himself that he’s not thought about this properly before now, but the other part – the half that accepts that he is a born procrastinator, far too used to being able to pull it out of the bag last minute and still get top marks, and will probably put off his own death out of sheer laziness – is lowkey impressed that he’s doing this a whole two hours before he has to leave.

The Sia track in the background changes to something more dance-y, and Sirius absent-mindedly swishes his hips in time to the beat, lets his skirt fan out around his thighs as he surveys his reflection critically. What he needs, he decides, is a second opinion. Ordinarily, James would be delighted to advise, would probably demand a fashion show complete with lighting and music, but alas, he is already at school with Kingsley, organising his breakfast club for the disadvantaged kids of the area. Similarly, Lily’s at morning classes, and then she’ll head straight to work –

Decisions are so goddamn hard. Smart casual is so fucking vague.

He takes a calming breath, though it does fuck-all to actually calm him down, and then angles his phone carefully, before snapping a quick selfie. He drops it in to the group chat with “smart casual” and a string of question marks and thinking emojis. The replies come within ten minutes as he stews, trying to resist the urge to gnaw on his nails in nervousness.

Alice: slaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy [fire emoji]

Wormtail: [Brooklyn Nine-Nine emoji of Captain Raymond Holt saying “hot damn!”]

Prongs: babe

Prongs: you are stunning

Prongs: utter perfection

Prongs: I am high key in love with you

Lils: I second everything J said

Lils: (dat eyeliner tho [okay sign emoji] [100% sign emoji])

Kingsley: yaaasss queen

Marlene: [thumbs up emoji] [crown emoji] [love heart eyes emoji]

Frank: u look great bud

His heart warms at their encouragement, and the ball of anxiousness that’s been swelling in his stomach shrinks ever so slightly. Returning lovehearts to each of them (different colours for each person, obviously, and the sparkly one for James because he’s hella extra), he pauses over Remus’ name, where his message is still marked unread. He knows he’s being daft – he has reassurances from almost all of the people he loves the most in the world, but he needs Remus’ approval on this, because Remus always seems to know exactly what to say. And besides, he knows Remus doesn’t have work this morning, because he’d made Sirius promise to ring if he needs anything.

Does this count? Probably not what Remus had had in mind, honestly – Remus goes for comfort over statement, though he has a unique and incredible ability to look cute in sweatpants and a holey jumper – but his opinion still holds a special place in Sirius’ heart.

Things have almost gone back to normal between them after… whatever it was that twisted, warped and broke last week, and Sirius is fine, he is, and no, Prongs, he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, he’s fine.

The crushing disappointment is an aching lump in his chest, exacerbating the anxiety and the insecurities that always lurk just beneath his ribcage, and he’s cried and cried and cried (and sure, he’s a crier, but even for him, this is A Lot), trying to batter his stupid heart in to getting over the warmth and love and everything that Remus is.

But yeah, he’s fine.

(Shut up, Prongs, he will be fine).

Before he chokes up about it all over again, he jabs at Remus’ number, holding his breath as the dial tone sounds, then waits –

And waits –

And –

Just when he’s convinced himself that Remus isn’t going to answer, and the panic lurches up his throat so fast he thinks he might actually vomit all over his lap –

“Moony – what does smart casual mean?” he says urgently, the second Remus picks up. (It takes a moment to register that the long wait means that Remus was probably sleeping, and the grogginess as he mumbles, “hello?” confirms this).

Guilt floods through him, as he hears Remus moving around – presumably sitting up in bed, rubbing at his eyes, squinting at the clock on his bedside table – and it’s so fucking domestic that his heart aches for it a little. “Give me a second, Pads,” he says, his voice still heavy and thick with sleep.

“Sorry I woke you-“ Sirius begins, unable to stop the guilt from pouring out of his mouth. “I know you’re probably exhausted – I just needed some advice – I – sorry.”

“It’s fine, Pads,” Remus says, and he just knows that Remus is rolling his eyes at him, even though it’s not fine that he disturbed his rest when he’s already so tired, he’s a shitty friend-

“Okay. What was the question again?” Remus asks through a yawn.

He takes a breath to thank whatever deity is controlling his life that Remus is so Good and kind and forgiving. “Smart-casual. What does that mean, I don’t know what to doooo.”

Sirius can hear Remus’ smile, and the line crackles a little as Remus sighs fondly – because his phone is ancient and terrible and barely functions as a phone anymore. “What are you wearing?”

“My black skirt – the one with the pleats that goes all whoosh, you know?”

“Cute,” Remus interjects, and Sirius’ heart does a little swoop.

“Plus my black boots, tights, and my green blousey thing.”

“Double triple cute,” Remus says, “you look great in green.” There’s something about just-woken-up Remus that’s even more wonderful than normal-Remus, and Sirius had no idea that such a thing was possible. This Remus is so openly affectionate, so soft, so warm - so wrong though because-

Sirius wrinkles his nose. “Red’s more my thing.”

Remus makes a noise of agreement. “I guess. You look good in all the colours.”

Sirius heart sings. “All of them?” he asks – too soft, too fond, too obvious.

“All of the colours,” Remus repeats, his words slurring slightly, and Sirius can tell he’s starting to drift back to sleep – he’s probably horizontal once more, his phone balanced precariously on one ear.

And he’s selfish and the worst, but he doesn’t want Remus to hang up yet, even though he knows that Remus needs all the sleep he can get. Because when he’s talking to Remus, he can pretend like the anxiety stirring in his gut is just excitement, like it’s something manageable that isn’t going to chew him up and spit him out before he even sets foot outside.

“I just – is it too much? Should I just go all classic white-boy and do a polo neck and chinos, like??”

Remus makes a little pained noise, and it’s honest-to-God adorable. “Nooo, why would you do that?”

Sirius flops back on to his bed with a sigh, a hand on his chest where it’s sort of hard to breathe if he thinks about work too much. “I – I know I can be A Lot, sometimes maybe Too Much, you know? I want them to like me-“

“No, Padfoot, no no no,” Remus sounds suddenly much more awake, the distress sharpening his tone. “Never. You’re never Too Much, you’re perfect, and if they don’t like you, then-“ he flounders, because it’s early and his brain isn’t quite caught up with his mouth yet. “Please never think that,” he says, “you shouldn’t have to change yourself when yourself is so utterly loveable and brilliant.”

Sirius is slightly horrified to feel the lump in the back of his throat, partly because if he cries now, he’s going to ruin his eyeliner, and partly because he adores this man with everything he has; every single atom in his body is hopelessly devoted to him, and perhaps always will be.

“I guess,” he manages, after a pause, once he’s sure that his voice isn’t going to crack.

Remus lets out an “oomph” and a groan, and Sirius is about to ask what’s wrong – probably in a voice laced with too much concern – when he hears a thrumming purr through the phone. “Is that Winky?” he says instead, unable to stop the childlike grin from spreading across his face.

“Yeah,” Remus chuckles, “she says hello.” The purring gets louder as Remus presumably holds the phone against Winky’s chest, like the completely wonderful dork he is.

Sirius laughs, and the anxiety takes a hit. Not a large one, not enough to do lasting damage, but enough to hold it at bay for now. He loosens his grip around his chest. Breathe.

“Anyway,” Remus continues. “Love, do you want to work in a place where you can’t dress like yourself?”

Sirius closes his eyes, because Remus is right. He’s always right, it floors Sirius every time Remus demonstrates just how well he knows Sirius. “No,” he says quietly.

There’s a moment of quiet, in which they just listen to each other breathe. It’s soft and intimate and perfect, and for a minute, Sirius can forget that he’s starting a new job in less than two hours, that he’s going to have to deal with all these new people and responsibilities, and just be.

“How are you feeling?” Remus murmurs eventually.

Sirius starts to say that he’s fine, then remembers who he’s speaking to, and ends up making a noise like he’s been trampled on.

“That well, huh?” Remus says, and Sirius laughs humourlessly. There’s another pause, then Remus continues equally gently. “You know that I know that you’re gonna fucking smash it. You’re gonna go in there and blow them away with your brilliance and your talent, because that’s what you do. You’re gonna charm the pants off all of them, you’re gonna look unbelievably cute, you’re gonna have the best day ever.”

Sirius screws his eyes shut against the tenderness in his voice. “But, what if-“

“Sirius. You’re gonna make me proud – you’re gonna make all of us so bloody proud, because you’re not capable of doing anything less. You make us proud every day by being you. So, go out there, be yourself, make us proud, we will love you and support you no matter what.”

The lump is back in Sirius’ throat and it’s actually impossible for him to speak around it. He presses his fingers in to his eyes, willing himself not to cry, his heart entirely full with how much Remus means to him, overflowing with love and gratefulness and friendship. It takes him several seconds to breathe through his tears, and his voice is horribly wobbly and crackly when he finally finds it again.

“I couldn’t do this without you, Moony.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. I know you. You’re amazing.”

I love you, he almost replies, then catches himself last minute – because although they say it to each other all the time, although it’s the most honest thing he can think of, it’s too soon after the mess of last week, and right now, it would be too honest, too true, too much. Instead he says, “I – uh I – I should go get ready. I – thank you, Moony. Thank you so much.”

“Of course,” Remus says immediately. “My phone will be on loud all day, so if you need anything, then just ring, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be better than okay.”

“Yeah.”

“Have a good day at work, Pads. I’m so, so proud of you.” Remus’ voice is nothing but sincere, kindness in every syllable.

“Thank you, Moons. I – I’ll call you tonight, yeah?”

“Come over, I’m in all evening… you can hang out with Winky, and we can watch Bake Off, and eat cake, and you can tell me all about how brilliant you were.”

Remus’ faith in him is so staggering that Sirius actually feels a little unsteady, even though he’s sitting down. “Okay. Yeah. Okay.”

“Bye, love.”

“Bye, Moony.”

Sirius takes a deep breath – then another – gets to his feet, straightens his skirt, and makes his way out of his room and in to the kitchen. Because fate seems to be on his side this morning, the current song that’s playing transitions in to Rainbow, and Sirius feels his anxiety shrink even more as the familiar chords, coupled with Kesha’s gorgeous voice, wash over him. Instead, his heart swells as he catches sight of the note that James has tacked to the kitchen counter.

Padfoot –

Today is a big day, and you’re going to be amazing. More than amazing. You’re going to shine like the fucking star that you are. I’m so proud of you. Go and make your dreams come true <3

Endless love from your best friend, who is only a phone call away, and can’t wait to hear all about it.

Prongs

The tears threaten to return, and – fuck it, at this point, he’s going to have to redo his make-up anyway – he lets them, because he doesn’t deserve James’ unbounding love and affection. He sends a snap of his watery eyes to James with a string of hearts, and then catches sight of the pot that’s resting in the oven. It’s warm when he pulls it out, and as he lifts the lid, the sweet, milky aroma of kheer hits his nose, and it’s like James has enveloped him in a hug – he loves him, he loves him, he loves him.

Once he’d started spending all of his free time at James’ family home, once James’ parents had come to look on him as their own son, James’ mother would make kheer specially for Sirius whenever he was having a particularly Anxious Day. On the days when the thought of leaving the safety of his bed made his chest tight and painful, on the days when having to get dressed and be a person made him want to curl up in a ball and cry, James’ mother would appear in his room with a steaming bowl of kheer and a chai tea, and she would just sit and listen to him talk about his fears. It was the kind of relationship he’d never had – and never would have – with his own mother, and these quiet mornings are some of his most cherished memories with James’ family.

After they’d moved out, James had taken over the tradition, and there’s always a pot of kheer ready on the mornings before exams, interviews, Bad Days – whenever Sirius needs it to be honest –because James is unfailingly generous and loving, showering his friends with care and support at the drop of a hat. (Sirius has never found the words to express just how grateful he is for James’ friendship – and it’s not for lack of trying).

Unlike the White People version that sits heavy in his stomach like a flavourless weight, this is light, tasty, full of love and kindness and confidence – and it’s the boost Sirius needs to get himself up and ready.

(He’s still anxious. He’s still a Bit of a Mess, and he’s still half-convinced that his new colleagues will think he’s Too Much, and hate him and his quirky queer self on sight. But he has friends who will stand by him, no matter what, who cherish him and care about him and make his heart sing with happiness at the thought of them.

He can do this).

“-And then they introduced me to the rest of the team I’m working with, and Akilah – my supervisor – said they loved my boots! And I got to meet the person who actually created Eclipse, Moony, I nearly died, I met my fucking idol, and xe was amazing. And-“

Sirius is horribly aware that he hasn’t stopped monologuing for approximately fifteen minutes – ever since Remus had made the terrible mistake of saying, “tell me everything,” with that warm, lovely, ridiculously-dimply smile. But he can’t seem to stop the words from overflowing out of his mouth, because his whole body is flooded with good vibes and pleasant memories, and sure, he’s exhausted, but he’s also thrumming with excitement for what the future now holds, and this – this – is why he wanted to go in to Illustration.

Remus doesn’t say much; he nods and laughs and makes the appropriate noises, head tilted to one side. (Sirius can’t believe how soft and cuddly and cosy Remus looks – he’s wearing a thick burgundy sweater that’s unravelling at the sleeves, ratty sweatpants, mustard-yellow fluffy socks, and glasses, and Sirius is dying). If Sirius keeps rattling off nonsense at Remus, he can ignore how Remus’ fingers are clenched around the hot water bottle pressed against his stomach, at how tired and world-weary he looks, at how he rubs at his temples every thirty seconds or so – because Remus had made it very clear when he walked through the door, that this was not a topic of conversation.

Winky hops up in to Sirius’ lap, and he pauses to greet her. She arches up in to his hand with a mewling sound, and he can’t help but coo back at her. Remus snorts, and Sirius pulls a face at him. “What?”

“She’s got you wrapped round her paw,” Remus says fondly.

“Of course she does, look at her, she’s perfect.” Winky purrs and settles down on his thighs. “Aren’t you, yes you are!”

Remus rolls his eyes, but reaches a hand out to scratch behind Winky’s ears. “So, to summarise, your first day was amazing?” he prompts.

“Understatement – it was – overwhelming, but not in a bad way? They actually seemed to like me and my art, and they really seemed excited to work with me, I can’t – I can’t believe it.”

“I can,” Remus says softly. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Yeah, you said,” Sirius says, unable to stop the blush creeping up his cheeks, because Remus looks so goddamn sincere and happy for him. There’s a comfortable pause, and then Remus clears his throat.

“So, I know I promised you cake, but, well, that didn’t happen,” he rubs at his left arm – a tell that Sirius knows means he’s embarrassed, and his heart twinges a little, because does he not know that just being here and listening to him is more than enough? – and continues, “But we can order whatever you like, and I have all of the new series of Bake Off recorded.”

“The new series?” Sirius fakes affront. “Moony, you traitor, what would Mary Berry say?”

“Oh come on, you’re just as curious as I am.”

“True.”

They snuggle together on Remus’ shitty, ancient sofa, with a fluffy blanket and Winky and Chinese food, in front of Bake Off, and honestly, Sirius can’t think of a better way to spend the evening of his first day. Eventually, he’ll have to head home, and be cuddled within an inch of his life by James, but right now, he can just exist in this comfortable, safe bubble of happiness and warmth with one of his favourite people in the world.

And it’s perfect.

#littleoldrachel writes #writing #fic #wolfstar #remus lupin #sirius black #100 ways to say i love you

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empyreanchimera · 8 years

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hoo boy okay so this is a piece i started writing a few months ago during a really Rough Time that came about as a result of some very sensitive reading material i was forced to deal with in a class i was taking... i ended up in a really bad place and had to drop the class so i’m not proud of how it all went down, unfortunately

i was trying to come to terms with Things and shink was lovely enough to let me borrow owen for this drabble as a means of exploring a little about elijah’s past. it helped me vent out a lot of my bad feelings at the time but i never managed to finish it until now... i felt bad for leaving it hanging tho so i decided to come back to it and give it another shot.

owen belongs to @asianwashington (cant @ u for some reason?) / @devilishlyclever

tw: past mentions of rape/sexual abuse/physical abuse, attempted sex while intoxicated (not fulfilled)

It takes one drink for Elijah to feel brave enough to even willingly take a seat next to Owen. True to his nature their conversation isn’t exactly… amicable, but he’s not surprised when Owen expects it from him and responds in turn. It’s who Elijah is, and it’s who Owen is, and after three drinks Elijah decides he doesn’t really want to be Elijah anymore. But he can’t – and won’t – go back to being Addison, or Chimera, or anything other than what he is right now. Owen calls him Agent Buzzkill and he can’t help but laugh, because he figures that’s the only person he’s good at being.

It’s strange to realize that everyone in this room knows about what he did. He’d hidden it for so long, lying through his teeth and playing the part of the grieving survivor. When it had come out, it was almost as relieving as it was terrifying. He could finally stop pretending that he cared. He could stop crying over a grave he’d much rather spit on.

He knows it doesn’t matter anymore. The suicide mission is over. The galaxy is falling apart at the seams and Reapers are everywhere, burning entire worlds while Shepard struggles to pull together a resistance that is probably doomed to fail. Everyone here is existing on borrowed time, laughing and drinking and probably trying to convince themselves that they aren’t surrounded by death and destruction and sacrifice. Somehow he doubts that what he did ranks very high on the list of their concerns.

He wonders what Owen thinks. He wonders if he thinks about it all. They never really talked about it back then. Even the night they shared before the Normandy went through the Omega Relay – it was quiet, and he’d never asked. They’d shared a drink, and a kiss, but nothing else. No secrets. No lies. No explanations. No expectations.

It was simple. He’d liked it that way.

It takes five drinks for him to finally kiss him again. He grabs his wrist and pulls him and suddenly they’re in the guest bedroom and he’s got Owen against the wall, fingers tangling into his hair as he kisses him too hard. Maybe they’d take this slower if he were sober and the world wasn’t ending and he wasn’t so fucking scared that this could never happen again. Maybe tonight was the only thing he could have before he died. Maybe Owen felt the same way.

He drinks a sixth from the whiskey on the bedside table and Owen is sitting on the bed and he’s on top of Owen, straddling his lap and kissing him because it’s the only thing he knows how to do right now. His head is swimming and he feels warm and things seem a little less scary for the shortest, fleeting moment, and that’s all he needs to grab Owen’s hands and put them on his waist. He’s too drunk for his skin to crawl at the contact, and for once, it feels like it should and he feels normal. He doesn’t feel broken, for once in his miserable fucking life.

When Elijah pushes his hands down, encouraging him to grab at his ass instead, Owen breaks the kiss too suddenly and Elijah’s frustrated at the loss. He tries to kiss him again, but Owen’s hands suddenly pull out of his grasp and he’s got him by the shoulders, holding him back. That warmth is trickling away and he shudders.

“Elijah, you’re drunk,” he states almost matter-of-factly, voice lowered in the silence of the empty room. “We’re not doing this right now.”

Owen looks slightly unfocused, but his expression is serious, even if his words are a little slurred. He’s clearly not sober, but it’s obvious he’s nowhere near as drunk as Elijah is. Elijah wonders if he should be embarrassed, but he wants to ride the high as long as he can before everything comes crashing down on him again.

“Why not?” Elijah can’t help but sulk, swaying a bit but otherwise staying upright thanks to the grip Owen has on his shoulders. His skin is flushed beneath the freckles and his eyes are glazed over even as he tries to focus on Owen’s face and read his expression. “S’wrong? Don’t you wanna fuck me?”

“I’m not sleeping with you when you’re drunk.”

Elijah’s scowl deepens, and he shrugs Owen’s hands off of his shoulders, before scooting a little closer so he can straddle his lap properly.

“It’s now or never,” he says, sliding his hands up Owen’s arms, before slipping them around the back of his neck and burying them in his hair. He can’t maintain eye contact anymore, though, and he finds himself staring at a spot on his collarbone. “I won’t wanna do this when m’sober.”

“If you have to be drunk to want to have sex with me—”

“I don’t,” Elijah interrupts him, eyes snapping up. Fuck. Owen looks… he doesn’t know. He seems hurt, like he’s coming to the realization that Elijah can only stomach the thought of fucking him drunk. But it’s not Owen, it’s Elijah, and he doesn’t know how to explain that.

“I… I wanna do this. But it feels better when m’drunk,” he finally says. That doesn’t seem to alleviate whatever misgivings Owen has about his desires, though, and he continues, choosing his words carefully even as he slurs them. “It hurts when I’m sober.”

The look on Owen’s face quickly changes to alarm, and Elijah realizes too late that the words that left his mouth weren’t the right ones.

“Elijah, sex isn’t… it’s not supposed to hurt,” he says after a moment, hands going to close around Elijah’s wrists if only to maintain some sort of contact between them. Elijah’s fingers twitch in Owen’s hair and he resists the urge to yank his hands away.

“It does when I do it,” Elijah replies, forcing out a small huff of laughter to try and make his words sound a little less grim. “Don’t like how it feels. Figure that’s normal for some people. If m’sober then I get all twitchy an’ it’s embarrassing. Booze helps me loosen up, you know?”

Owen’s watching him too closely for his comfort, and he realizes that he’s reading his expression the same way he’s trying to read his in return. Elijah is drunk out of his mind and Owen is tipsy at best, and that’s enough to know that he’s not going to win this one.

“When was the last time you had sex?” Owen asks after a moment of silence, and Elijah feels his stomach sink.

“I… dunno. Less than a year ago, I guess? Time’s been a lil’ fuzzy since we went through the relay with Shepard.” He finally slips his wrists out of Owen’s loose grip, scooting back an inch so they’re not pressed as close together anymore. “We don’t gotta make a big deal about it, do we? I mean, s’just sex. We might die tomorrow and I wanna have a little fun. S’that a crime?”

“I told you, we’re not doing this when you’re drunk,” Owen replies in a voice that’s forceful but not unkind. It’s enough that Elijah can’t help flinching out of habit, though, and his tone softens after that. “I just… I want to know who made you feel like you have to be drunk to enjoy yourself.”

“I did. S’normal for some people,” Elijah repeats, shrugging weakly. He’s trying to convince himself about as much as he’s trying to convince Owen. “Least I think so.”

Owen’s too quiet and it’s hard for Elijah not to squirm under his scrutiny. That warmth he was clinging to is starting to fade and he knows he won’t be able to hold on much longer. He’s not ready to retreat, but he knows he should before it’s too late. He can’t take it all back, but he can stop himself from making it any worse.

“If we’re not gonna do this, I should just… go,” he says, unsure if he’s more disappointed or relieved. Perhaps a little bit of both. When he goes to slip off of Owen’s lap and leave, though, Owen gently grabs him by the forearm, stopping him mid-movement.

“Elijah.” The way he says his name makes his stomach twist uncomfortably. “Please… talk to me.”

He looks away, focusing a little too intently on the pattern of the duvet. His vision is swimming, and it’s hard to figure out what it is he’s looking at.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I just want you to be honest.”

The two of them are at an impasse for a long, tense moment, before Elijah finally breaks it with a weak, bitter laugh.

“Listen, I’m too fuckin’ drunk for this kind of conversation,” he says, smiling ruefully. He’s not sure he has the mental faculties required to have a deeper discussion, and he’s just drunk enough that it’s easier to just let it spill out than try to protect it so ferociously. “You’re gonna try to get me to talk about it, and I’m gonna avoid it, and we’ll get upset with each other and I’ll tell you everything and then I’ll cry and it’ll be this beautiful moment of healing and revelation. Right?”

He’s not entirely sure how he made it through that without stuttering or slurring his words beyond recognition, but he supposes he’s got enough sobriety left in him to be a fucking asshole. Figures.

“That’s not what I want and you know that,” Owen replies. He seems to pause, hesitating, before he speaks again. “I had some ideas about what… what happened between you and your squad. But… I didn’t realize…”

Elijah’s stomach sinks even lower. He can see him fighting to control his expression, multiple emotions warring for control. He seems alarmed, confused, sad. Elijah doesn’t like any of them; he almost wishes Owen would just get mad. He could handle anger. He couldn’t handle anything else; not sadness, or questioning, or pity.

God, he doesn’t want pity.

“I’m so sorry, Elijah.”

“Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t,” Elijah manages, barely able to sound angry – his voice cracks and he shakes his head vehemently. He feels sick, and he doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol or the conversation. It’s probably both. “I made my peace. I get to live with it. They’re all dead and I’m fuckin’ glad. They can’t hurt me anymore. I won’t let them. I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to fucking relive it and I don’t—I don’t—”

His voice breaks and he stops, looking away. He’s shaking. He hates it. He hates that he can say these words and make these assertions but never actually feel them. He killed all three of them. He watched the life bleed out of Sharpe and he’d been so relieved, so glad to realize he’d finally managed to release the chokehold the man had had on him. But it hadn’t repaired the damage and it didn’t stop the nightmares or the flashbacks or the phantom pains and the fear that he’d never be able to move on. And sitting here in this half-lit room with Owen watching him as he falls apart reminds him that he hasn’t moved on. He could pretend all he wanted to, drink until it didn’t hurt. He could convince himself that it was what he really wanted, but it didn’t change anything. He’d wake up in the morning and hate himself even more for being so weak.

“I’m not the only one,” he finally says. “It happens all the time. There’s nothing special about me, or what happened, or how I deal with it. So don’t make it special. Just let me deal with it the way I need to.”

“I’m not going to tell you how to cope,” Owen responds after a time, voice going quiet. “But just because it happens to other people doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to hurt. Don’t bury yourself like that. Please. You deserve so much better than that.”

At some point Elijah’s hands had found their way to Owen’s shirt, and he grips the fabric tightly as a means of grounding himself to now, and here, and to Owen. Somehow he needs that anchor, or else he was going to slip away. It’s hard to believe that once upon a time he hated Owen; he wanted nothing to do with the snarky pirate who had wormed his way into his life like a recurring rash. He’d hated him for so long, up until he couldn’t, and now he doesn’t think he’d ever be able to do this with anyone else. It’s only Owen, and him, and the six glasses of whiskey that have made him brave enough to try, only to fall to pieces. What a fine mess he’s become.

“They hurt me. It wasn’t enough for them to beat me, they had to… they had to hurt every fucking part of me they could get to,” he says after he can’t hold it in any longer, forcing the words out and bringing out the ugly truth and the pain with them in the process. It’s something he hasn’t done in… No, there is no time to define because he hasn’t done it at all. He’s never sat down and broken his heart open in front of anyone else and talked about these things in a way that would force himself to admit that they happened. Owen is the first, and that makes it terrifying.

“I tried to get away so many times. Every time I thought it was going to get better, it would just turn around and get worse all over again.” He’s honestly shaking now, and Owen’s hands close over his own and it helps just a little bit. “Three years. Three fucking years. I—I let them do that to me, all of those awful fucking things for that long before I finally did something about it. I hate them, but I… I hate myself so much for ever letting it go that far.”

Finally, Elijah deflates, the anger and sadness and pain finally starting to release now that the words are out of him, no longer stuck in his throat where they can choke him. His head drops, forehead resting against Owen’s shoulder, biting down the urge to break down and cry. If he starts crying, he knows he won’t be able to stop, and Owen isn’t here to be his security blanket or his counselor. He regrets ever putting him in this position to begin with.

They’re both silent for a long time, the room quiet save for their breathing and the distant sounds of the party still going on downstairs. There’s heavy dance music playing and he can hear Tali and Liara laughing in the lounge. Everyone was having a good time, drinking and talking and connecting while Elijah was sitting in a dim bedroom talking about painful memories to a man who didn’t deserve this kind of shit from him.

“I’m sorry,” he finally whispers. “Please don’t hate me for this.”

Owen lets go of his hands and his arms circle around him, pulling him close until Elijah can bury his face in the other man’s hair, tension finally draining from his body as he leans fully into the embrace. He’s never liked being touched, but he needs this. He needs the safety afforded from letting someone he trusts hold him, if only to remind him that there’s at least one person in this fucking galaxy who isn’t out to harm him.

“I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make this better for you,” Owen finally says in a low voice, grip on him tightening somewhat. “I could tell you it’s not your fault until I’m blue in the face and I know it won’t help. But I don’t hate you, Elijah. I would never hate you for something like this.”

Elijah doesn’t say anything, feeling a phantom clench in his chest at his words. It hurts for a moment, comprehending Owen’s words, knowing that he’s with one other person who’s seen the worst part of him and has admitted that he doesn’t hate him for it. He knows he’s being foolish, assuming judgment based on things that no reasonable person would fault him for, but it’s not a feeling he can simply make disappear. He hates himself; why shouldn’t someone else?

“For what it’s worth… I’m here for you. Just tell me what you need.”

Elijah doesn’t reply right away, struggling to find the words and ultimately coming up short. He doesn’t know what he needs. He’s never thought about it; never considered the possibility that he could move on. He didn’t think he’d ever have the option. He didn’t think he’d ever find someone who would see these parts of him and not walk away.

Finally, after some time, Elijah takes a shaking breath and speaks.

“Stay with me?” he asks. He sounds so weak, and he feels so small. But he doesn’t think he can handle being alone right now.

“I’ll stay,” Owen replies, and the relief is enough to bring tears to Elijah’s eyes.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

#[v; the phoenix]#[otp; i almost told you that i loved you]#[sexual abuse mention]#[rape mention]#[my drabbles]

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