#turn negative thoughts into thanksgiving

[dwuerch-blog]

What Do Your Little Eyes See?

I saw this online quiz – and took the test. The results of the quiz would tell whether I am an Idealist, Realist or Surrealist, based on the color selections I made throughout the quiz. I’m not validating the merits of this quiz, but I think it “nailed it” for who I feel I am and always desire to be. I’m sure I didn’t start out with those qualities, but I obviously developed them and have BECOME…

[steddieprompts]

Another cutesy little steddie thing. all fluff. Post vecna. 1648 words.

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It’s not that Eddie was a wuss…

Ok maybe he was, but still this was a terrifying prospect… asking Steve Harrington out.

It didn’t help that he was getting advice from a 15 year old.

“Do you think he likes you back?”  Dustin asked, tapping a pencil against his chin.

“I don’t know, Henderson,” Eddie ran his hands over his face.  What was he doing?  “You’re supposed to be helping me figure that out.”

Dustin tapped his chin again and looked at the ceiling.

In all honesty, Eddie would usually talk to Jeff about this stuff, but he had to be visiting his family in Ohio because of stupid Thanksgiving.

“Well, you guys hang out a lot, that’s gotta count for something.”  Dustin pointed out.

“You hang out a lot with Sinclair and Wheeler.  You wanna make out with them?”  Dustin pulled a face.  “That’s what I thought.”

“I am happily in a relationship, thanks.”  Dustin pointed out.

He always had a reason to point it out.

“I know, and I would like to be as well, so if we could get back to the discussion at hand…”

“Ok, ok… Well, Steve hasn’t really been dating recently… right?”

“No, he hasn’t.”

“Maybe that means something?”

“I don’t know… He says he just hasn’t met the right person yet…”

“Well… he used ‘person,’ not ‘girl!’  That’s a good sign!”  Dustin pointed his pencil at Eddie.

“Sure, but you’re missing a key point in that statement.”  Eddie sighed.  Dustin squinted at him.  “He’s met me, Dustin.”

Dustin’s eyebrows shot up.  “Fair point.”

Eddie dropped his face into his hands.  Dustin started up again.

“Your idea that Steve might like you is a hypothesis and science dictates that the only way to conclude if a hypothesis is correct is to prove it.  To run experiments.”

Eddie let out a belabored sigh.

“So, test it,” Dustin continued. “Ask Steve out.”

Eddie stared at Dustin, knowing he was right in his own little, nerd way.

“Yeah… Ok, alright, yeah, I’ll do it.”

\\\\\\\

The next day was movie night at Steve’s with the whole crew.  The kids, Nancy, and Robin were all in the living room putting out snacks and arguing about where they would sit.  Eddie figured now was as good a time as any.  He crossed over to the kitchen, meandering over to Steve who was waiting for the popcorn in the microwave.

“Hey.”  Eddie offered once he was a few feet away.  Nailed it.

“Hey,”  Steve looked over at him, “how’s physical therapy going?  I’ve been meaning to call you, see if you needed any help.”  Steve responded with a soft smile at Eddie, the kind that made all the nervous energy in him disappear.  The microwave beeped and Steve pulled the popcorn out, hissing when he grabbed the hot part of the bag before dropping it in one of the big plastic bowls he had waiting.

Eddie grabbed another bag out of the box, unfolded it and handed it to Steve.

“Uh, good, good, I guess.  I never really know if I’m doing the exercises right.  The paper instructions are shit.”

Steve laughed at that, “Yeah, I’ve been there.  I could come over some time, help you figure them out?”

“Uh, yeah, sure.  That would be great… actually.”  Eddie swallowed.  “But, uh, before that happens, I, uh, I have to ask you something.”  Eddie stumbled over the words before looking over his shoulder, making sure no one else would be witness to him getting shot down by Steve Harrington, even if he was in a house full of friends.

“Yeah?”  Steve turned toward Eddie, leaned his hip against the counter, the picture of nonchalance.

“Yeah,” Eddie cleared his throat, “Would you, uh, ever consider, maybe… shit. Start over.”  Eddie clamped his jaw in a grimace before starting again.  He couldn’t look at Steve yet.  If he saw any bit of apprehension or negative emotion, he would never actually get the full question out.  “Would you like to go out… on a date… with me?”

Eddie finally looked at Steve instead of the cabinet behind his head.  His initial look gave him nothing.  Steve looked the same, if not a little more still, a little more focused.  But he wasn’t saying anything.  The nervous energy was back with a vengeance and Eddie was starting to feel twitchy the longer Steve stared at him.

And then Lucas walked into the kitchen.

“Is this one ready?”  he asked, pulling the bowl with the popcorn bag in it across the counter.  The microwave behind Steve beeped.  He was still staring at Eddie.  Eddie was still staring at Steve.

“Uh-huh.”  Steve answered.

“Should I get that one out?”  Lucas asked.

“I’ll get it in a second,” Steve said, his eyes now roaming over Eddie’s face.

“I don’t mind.”  Lucas offered.

“Dude.”  Steve’s eyes finally left Eddie and he felt himself deflate a little bit, muscles twinging from where he had been clenching them.  “I’ll get it. Can you give us a minute?”

“Oh! Uh, yeah? Sure?”  Lucas replied, quickly grabbing the bowl and heading back towards the living room.

Steve’s eyes flicked back to Eddie and he felt suddenly compelled to talk.  Like a tidal wave, his insecurities drowned him.

“I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have sprung this on you.  I’m not your type, I know. I—”

“Yes.”

“Don’t even know if…”  Eddie stopped to process what Steve said.  “Yes? Yes, I’m not your type or yes you… you want to…”

“Yes. I’ll go out with you.”

Eddie finally looked at Steve, really took him in instead of concentrating on not collapsing in on himself.  Steve looked almost… shy?  Nervous?  There was the slightest blush on his neck, the smallest, guarded smile.  He, Eddie now noticed, had been white knuckling his own arm ever since Eddie asked.

Interesting.

Eddie relaxed a little.  “Yeah?”

Steve’s smile grew bigger as he nodded. “Yeah.”

Eddie couldn’t help the smile that took over his face.  He did it.  He asked Steve out. And Steve said yes!  What’s more, Steve looked caught off guard in the best way possible.  “Oh, just you wait, Harrington.  I’m gonna wine and dine you like you’ve never been wined and dined before.” Eddie grinned.

“The popcorn’s getting cold! What’s taking you guys so long!”  Dustin yelled from the living room.

Steve turned to the microwave to get the popcorn and Eddie reveled in Steve’s smile.  The way it looked like he was restraining it, the way Steve looked lighter than he had in weeks.

They walked back to the living room together, and Eddie kicked Mike off the couch so he could sit next to Steve. Halfway through the movie, Steve slipped his hand into Eddie’s.  On impulse, he pulled Steve’s hand up to kiss the back of it, before shifting closer and leaning his head on Steve’s shoulder.  When he felt the press of Steve’s head on top of his he thought maybe he was dead.  Maybe the bats had finished him off and he was in heaven.

He would have to thank Dustin for pushing him to ask Steve.  He would never hear the end of it.

When the movie ended and everyone was leaving, Eddie hung around the living room so he would be the last to go.  He refolded the blankets, rewound the tape and put it back in its box, and picked up the popcorn bowls and candy wrappers.  He was in the kitchen throwing things out, thinking maybe he had enough time to run to the bathroom, when Steve reappeared.

“Everyone head out?”  Eddie asked as Steve approached him.

“Mhmm.”  He replied before stepping around the kitchen island and stopping in front of Eddie. “Coast is clear.”

“Oh yeah?” Eddie grinned, stepping closer.

“Mmm,” Steve hummed before leaning in, pressing his lips to Eddie’s.

Eddie had kissed quite a few people before, boys and girls alike, but this kiss with Steve.  It was different.  It filled him up, distracted him from everything else so that when his back hit the counter it almost startled him.

“Sorry.”  Steve hummed, pulling away.

“Don’t be.”  Eddie managed to get out before pulling Steve back in.  He was definitely in heaven.  Except in heaven, he wouldn’t be almost peeing his pants.  Curse that whole bottle of coke.

Eddie pulled back with a soft, ‘shit.’

“You okay?”  Steve asked.

“Yeah, fantastic, great. Except I think I’m about to pee my pants. Don’t go anywhere, Big Boy.”  Eddie said before practically running to the bathroom, Steve’s surprised laughter following him down the hall.

When he got back, Steve was washing the popcorn bowls and pizza plates from earlier in the night, sweater pushed up to his elbows, the locks of hair hanging in his eyes swinging with his movements.  Eddie stepped up behind him and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist.

“No one has ever asked me out.”  Steve said after a few seconds.

“What?”  Eddie let go in surprise, moving next to Steve so he could see his face.  “Seriously?”

Steve nodded.

“The way girls talked about you I would have thought they would be lining up.”  Eddie mused.

“No. I’m the guy, you know?  I mean they definitely dropped hints, but none of them asked me.”

Eddie reveled in that for a second.  He was the first person to ask Steve Harrington out.

“So, how does it feel being on the receiving end?”  Eddie asked, nudging Steve.

“So good.”  Steve smiled at him, the sincerity of his words bleeding out of him so much that Eddie had to dart forward and peck him on the cheek.

“Where do you want to go?”  Eddie asked.

“You said you were gonna wine and dine me,” Steve replied, “I trust you.”

Those words sent a bolt of pure reassurance through Eddie.  “Oh, Steve Harrington,” he half sing-songed, half chuckled, “I’m gonna date you so hard.”

[dreamdragonkadia]

Christmas in New York, Christmas in ne- p. jackson x reader

Had this been your goal? No. But were you complaining? Absolutely not.

There was something undeniably magical about celebrating Christmas in New York—especially with Percy and his family. The city was always alive this time of year, its chaotic energy softened by snow-covered streets and glittering lights. Even the subway, usually filled with cranky commuters, seemed to carry a little extra cheer, or maybe that was just the hot chocolate in your hands and Percy’s arm around your shoulders.

Of course, your own mortal family hadn’t been thrilled when you told them you wouldn’t be home for Christmas again this year. Disappointed? Yes. But you’d made a deal with them years ago: Thanksgiving and the Fourth of July were theirs, and Christmas and New Year’s belonged to Percy and his family. Honestly, it was a pretty fair arrangement considering how hectic things could get in the demigod world. The monsters never took holidays off, after all, and neither did you or Percy.

Still, you felt a little guilty about missing the classic chaos of your family Christmas—your little cousins screaming about Santa’s arrival, your grandmother burning something in the oven while swearing under her breath, and your mom insisting you take enough leftovers to feed an army. That guilt had been softened somewhat, though, when Sally and Paul dropped their bombshell:

“We’ve been thinking about moving to the West Coast,” Sally had announced over dinner one night, smiling like she knew exactly how much drama she was about to cause.

The words had hung in the air for a moment, heavy with implications. You and Percy had frozen mid-bite, twin forks hovering like awkward statues.

“Wait, what?” Percy had spluttered.

“To be closer to you two,” Paul explained calmly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. “It just makes sense, especially after the engagement.”

You still got butterflies thinking about it—the engagement. Even the word felt surreal. It hadn’t been that long ago that you’d been fighting for your lives on quests together, and now you were planning forever. Sally had cried when Percy told her, wrapping you both in hugs so tight you thought you’d never escape.

Now, here you were, bundled up against the cold as you stood with Percy on the balcony of his mom’s apartment. The skyline stretched before you, lights twinkling like little frozen stars. Somewhere down the street, someone was playing a slightly off-key version of “Jingle Bells” on a trumpet, and Percy was grinning like he could feel the joy in the air.

“The only negative to it would be no more this,” you said softly, blowing out a long breath just to watch it turn to mist in the cold air.

Percy turned to look at you, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his hoodie. “No more what?”

You gestured vaguely toward the city, your face half-hidden behind your scarf. “The noise. The lights. The people yelling at cab drivers. It’s kind of our thing, you know? New York at Christmas.”

He chuckled, stepping closer until he could press a kiss to your temple. “I’m pretty sure cab drivers yell year-round. Not just at Christmas.”

You rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t stop the smile that tugged at your lips. “You know what I mean.”

He nodded, gaze flicking out to the skyline. “Yeah, I do. It’s weird to think about Mom and Paul moving out there. Feels like the end of an era or something.”

“Almost,” you teased. “But hey, they’d be close enough for both families to celebrate together. Think about it—my mom’s turkey and your mom’s blue cookies in one place. Worlds colliding.”

Percy laughed, the sound warming you more than any amount of layers could. “You mean my mom would finally have an excuse to out-bake your mom. She’s been planning that showdown for years.”

“That’s just because you hype her up too much,” you said, nudging his shoulder playfully.

“It’s not hype if it’s true.”

You rolled your eyes again, but this time Percy caught your hand, tugging you closer until you could feel the rise and fall of his chest against your back. You leaned into him instinctively, savoring the quiet moment between the two of you. The city was loud, but somehow it always felt quieter when you were with him.

“You know,” Percy murmured after a beat, his voice soft, “it wouldn’t really matter where we were. Whether it’s New York or the West Coast or—who knows—Mount Olympus someday, as long as you’re there…”

You tilted your head back to look at him, brow raised. “Mount Olympus? Really?”

He grinned, sheepish. “Okay, maybe not Olympus. But you get what I mean.”

And you did. Because no matter where you ended up—whether surrounded by skyscrapers or staring out at the Pacific Ocean—you’d be home, as long as Percy was by your side.

You squeezed his hand in yours and looked back out at the city. Somewhere below, a group of kids was laughing and chasing each other, their shouts echoing up to you. Snow had started to fall again, tiny flecks catching in Percy’s hair, and you couldn’t resist reaching up to brush a few away.

“Let’s make the most of it while we’re here, then,” you said softly. “One more New York Christmas, just in case.”

Percy smiled, leaning down to kiss you gently. “Deal.”

Everything was perfect—the snow, the city, the warmth of Percy’s arms around you. Maybe you hadn’t planned for any of this, but you wouldn’t trade it for the world.

[krirebr]

Thanksgiving with the Barbers

Pairing: dark!Andy Barber x f!reader

Word Count: ~3.4k

Summary: You and Andy celebrate Thanksgiving. Part of the Trapped AU.

Warnings: Dark elements, kidnapping, references to punishment, isolation, solitary confinement, hunger, negative self-talk, manipulation, angst, mental breakdown - This is a rough one, guys. All of my work is 18+ - Minors DNI

Dividers by @strangergraphics

Masterlist

A/N: So... remember this part from I Don't Want a Lot for Christmas?

"Don’t you want this Christmas to be better than Thanksgiving?” It took everything in you not to grimace. You still felt the marks from what he’d done to you after Thanksgiving dinner.

Yeah. This is that Thanksgiving.

Big thanks as always to @paperweight91 who read so much of this and always encourages me to go as dark as my twisted little heart desires.

Any comment, reblog, or ask to let me know what you think will be greatly appreciated. Even if it's just screeching at me. As always, thank you so much for reading! 💜

Andy’s soft murmurs traveled down the hallway to you from the entryway as he said goodbye to his guests. You couldn’t tell how things had gone. He’d seemed happy enough but as he’d started introducing you to his life outside these walls, you’d learned quickly how easily he could have one face for the world and a different one for you. He’d stressed many times all week how important it was that your first holiday together be perfect. Was it? Had you done enough?

You busied yourself with cleaning up the dining room, trying to ignore the churning dread in your stomach. The leftover turkey, mashed potatoes, and roasted vegetables had already been moved to the kitchen, waiting to be put away in the fridge. Then you’d start on the endless dishes. Hopefully, that would buy you some time alone, while Andy went back to the football on TV. 

You kept your head down and continued gathering the discarded plates as Andy’s heavy footsteps came down the hall. He entered the dining room and leaned against the old-fashioned buffet that took over one wall, his arms crossed over his chest. You felt his eyes on you, but you kept your own eyes down and didn’t say anything. You knew better now. 

You had a tall stack of plates now that you wanted to take into the kitchen, but you were afraid of turning your back on him and leaving the room. So, you stood where you were, and you waited. 

Finally, he cleared his throat. You looked up. “You were awfully quiet at dinner,” he said, softly, but there was an edge of steel in his tone. 

“No, I–” you started and immediately regretted it. That was a bad word. “I just didn’t have much to add to the conversation.” The guests were all Andy’s colleagues and their spouses. It’d been too much shop talk to keep track of. On top of being so many more people than you were used to.

Andy made a thoughtful little hum before he continued. “Barbara commented on it, as she said goodbye. Wanted to be sure you were ok, hadn’t felt left out.”

You forced a smile, trying to stop your hands from shaking. “Yes, I’m fine. I had a nice time. It was a good dinner.”

He pushed himself off of the buffet, straightening to his full height. “Really, you thought it was a good dinner? With a dry turkey and an unfriendly hostess?”

You couldn’t help the way you blanched. You’d never cooked a whole turkey before or anything like it.  And you didn’t have access to the internet right now, so you were limited to the highbrow cookbooks Andy had bought for you. While those recipes were detailed, they didn’t exactly have tips and tricks for beginners. You’d tried your best. And no one at dinner had complained. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. You’d thought it was ok. But he didn’t want to hear you defend yourself, so you said nothing. 

He looked at the dirty dishes spread across the table and scowled. “Finish cleaning this up,” he said. “We’ll continue this conversation when you’re done.”

You nodded quickly with a quiet, “Yes, Andy,” trying to keep your sigh of relief inside. He hadn’t said you’d continue the conversation downstairs, hadn’t said anything about a timeout or a punishment. You might be ok. You might get off with just a lecture. You could handle an upstairs lecture—kneeling at Andy’s feet while he listed all the ways you’d disappointed him and everything you needed to do to be better. Sometimes you even got to stay fully clothed. Lectures were fine. Lectures were easy. As long as you got to stay upstairs, you’d be ok.

Without another word, he moved into the kitchen. You heard him opening and closing the fridge as you continued organizing the dishes into neat stacks to hopefully make cleaning up a little easier. He came back with a beer in his hand, moving through to the living room to watch the evening game. As he started to walk by the table, the movement drew your eye to something, his reflection caught in the shiny steel. The carving knife. Just lying there next to the turkey.

The knife block had sensors in it, just like all the doors downstairs or the front door of the house. You had to scan your wristband every time you needed to use a knife while cooking and it would send an alert to Andy’s phone, letting him know whenever you used one, for how long, and when you put it back. But the carving knife, he’d taken that out himself today. As the man of the house, he had to be the one to carve the turkey. And then he’d just left it there, forgotten about it. The carving knife.

As you stood there, staring at it, it was like all of the parts of yourself he’d worked so hard to turn off, suddenly came roaring back on. How much you hated the dress you currently wore. How exhausted you were after working in the kitchen all day without a single thank you. The lecture that you knew awaited you, being forced to kneel at his feet. All of your own holiday traditions that had been stolen from you so that you could accommodate his. Everything he’d taken from you. The rage bubbling up inside of you was cleansing. You felt it giving you new breath, new life. You felt yourself coming back.

You looked up at Andy as he continued to move, his back to you now. That perfect, broad expanse. You could see it so clearly. The way you’d bury that knife between his shoulder blades. You lunged across the table.

Andy spun around as soon as he heard you move, his bottle of beer slipping from his hand, it’s contents spilling everywhere. Somehow, in that instant, he saw what you were grasping for and lunged for it too. Oh god, he was so much closer to it. You'd timed it all wrong. You were stupid in your desperation and anger. Oh well. You'd already made the choice. There was no turning back now.

You threw yourself onto the table, arm outstretched, dirty plates beneath you, just as his hand wrapped around the handle of the knife. You let out a guttural scream as he threw it away from you and it clattered against the baseboards. 

A beat too late, you tried to crawl backward, your knees struggling for purchase on the tablecloth, plates crashing to the floor, but Andy had already grabbed your still outstretched arm, dragging you towards him as you flailed, trying and failing to grab onto anything that might help you. 

He pulled you over the edge of the table and you fell to the floor, landing harshly in a jumble, more plates falling around you. He loomed over you, face completely overtaken by rage. But it couldn’t compare to yours. You kicked out wildly, indiscriminately and you’d never felt more satisfied than when you landed a few hits to his shins and he grunted in pain. Your satisfaction was short-lived, however, as he recovered and reached down to wrap his hands around both your wrists, even as you struggled as hard as you could to get away from him. 

He didn’t say a word as he dragged you across the floor. That was fine. You had no problem filling the silence. “You fucking motherfucker!” you screamed, the frustration and terror and anger of the last several months finally finding an outlet. “I hate you! I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna burn this house to the fucking ground!”

Your struggles kicked up a notch as he opened the door to the basement with one hand, the other now holding on to both of your wrists. “No!” you yelled. “You can’t fucking do this! I’m done pretending to be your perfect little wife! You can’t–”

He wasn’t gentle at all as he yanked you down the stairs. You had to pause your fighting and screaming as you fell, the breath knocked out of you. You tried to protect your head, tried to protect any part of your body you could as you hit every step. Your dress did nothing to help as it gathered above your waist. You were exposed and vulnerable. But what else was new? You were immune to it now, after being debased every single day for months.

He paused at the bottom of the stairs to adjust his hold on you, using both hands to drag you again. Still, he said nothing. But you caught your breath and resumed your litany of hate. “You’re so fucking weak. You’re pathetic. Of course, you had to buy a wife. Who would love you willingly?” The carpet burned your skin as he dragged you across it, but you continued to struggle, continued to scream. Nothing would stop you now. “You’re disgusting. Embarrassing.”

He stopped in front of the door to the quiet room and you almost laughed. Did he really think this was just some little tantrum a time-out would fix?  Did he really not understand the rage and power that flowed through you now? Did he really think a few hours in the dark would quell this? No way. After everything you’d been through, everything you felt now, you could handle the quiet room.

He threw you in and closed the door behind you. You sank down into the darkness. This was fine. This was great. The darkness couldn’t hurt you.

You’d forgotten what it was like to have no understanding of the passage of time. It’d been hours. It had to have been hours. Right? 

He would come get you soon. What would you do then? Attack him as best you could. The rage still coursed through you. You were done laying down for him.

It must be getting late. It’d already been evening when the guests left. You were so tired now. Exhausted. But you had to be ready when Andy opened the door.

You startled awake as the furnace whirred to life. You were slumped over against the wall, your face pushed into the cinder block. It felt grimy.

You didn’t remember falling asleep. How long had it been? Minutes? Hours? Where was Andy? Whatever tenuous grasp you’d had on what time it was was completely gone now. That was ok. Andy would come soon and you’d beat the shit out of him, and then you would know what time it was.

It was the hunger that hit you first, but the thirst hit you harder. You knew now that this was the longest he’d ever left you here. You’d never gone hungry like this before. Well. He would let you out soon. He had to.

Your stomach hurt with how hungry you were. Your throat ached. Would he just let you die down here? Was he that angry? So angry that he’d decided to cut his losses. Start over with someone new. Was starving to death better than your life upstairs? Or the basement? You honestly didn’t know.

You were sprawled across the floor, as much as you could in the small space. What was the point of being upright? You could barely even tell which way was up anymore. It was all just darkness.

Suddenly, you were hit by a sliver of blinding light. What was happening? It took you embarrassingly long to realize it must have been a slot in the door you’d never seen before. Then something slid through it. You blinked at it, trying to get your eyes to focus, trying to make sense of what you saw. Oh my god, it was food! You lunged for it and tried to pull the tray to you, but it wouldn’t budge. That was better anyway. You needed the light to eat.  

On the tray was a small plate of leftover turkey and green beans and a bottle of water, along with a small plastic fork. You went for the water first, downing it, and then scarfed up the food, not even tasting it. After a few minutes, on the other side of the slot, you heard an alarm go off, and the tray was pulled back, a few bites still on the plate. “Andy, wait!” you called out, but the slot slammed closed and you were in the dark again.

You didn’t have anything to do. You couldn’t remember the last time you had nothing to do. Before Andy brought you here. Evenings in your little apartment, watching TV and eating takeout, fucking around on your phone. You hadn’t done that, hadn’t even thought about doing it in months. 

When you first got here, when your list of chores felt insurmountable and ridiculous, you would’ve given anything for the chance to lay around and do nothing. But now, it didn’t feel right. You should find a way to be productive. Andy was going to be so disappointed in you.

You hated yourself for thinking it.

You tried to do some yoga. You were so stiff from laying on the floor, but it was too hard when you couldn’t see how much space you had and were too scared of hurting yourself on the furnace or hitting the wall. So you went back to doing nothing.

The worst thing about waking up in this room was that you had no memory of falling asleep. It was all just darkness. Maybe there was no real difference between sleeping and being awake. How could you even tell anymore?

Andy brought another meal. Well, you assumed it was him. There was no one else. But you didn’t see him. He didn’t say anything. The tray was pushed through the slot, you ate and drank as fast as you could, the tray was pulled away. You didn’t say anything to him either.

You were so fucking bored. You’d tried singing to yourself. Running through old movies you remembered watching on TV as a kid. Reciting passages from old books. You felt like you were running out of thoughts.

There’d been three meals. If you could count the meals, that was sort of like keeping track of time, right? Even though you had no idea how often he brought them. Still, it had to be something.

The furnace was going to drive you insane. That whirring, whirring, whirring. White noise that wouldn’t stop. So loud you were afraid that the noise was just inside your head now. Maybe the furnace wasn’t even on.

“Andy,” you called out when the slot opened. “Andy, please.” He didn’t say anything. He never said anything.

The timer must have gone off sooner this time. The tray was pulled back when you were only halfway done. You started crying as the slot started to slide closed. Your stomach felt too empty.

You realized your mistake after he was gone. You had to call him sir when you were in the basement.

You started talking to yourself. Just to hear your voice. Any voice. You didn’t have anything to say, but you just couldn’t deal with the silence.

It wasn’t worth it. You saw that so clearly now. What did you really think you’d gain? You were never going to kill him. You couldn’t even hurt him. You were never going to win and you’d lost even more by trying.

You couldn’t remember whether there’d been six or seven meals. You’d lost count. And they were all the same. Nothing differentiated them. There was nothing to hold on to. This was the one thing tethering you to anything real and you’d lost it. There was no getting it back. You didn’t know how long you’d been crying.

He was tired of you. He was done. He was the only thing you had in the whole world and you’d lost him. You’d fucked it up. You were going to rot away in the Quiet Room until you were nothing. There was no getting out.

You crawled over to the slot when it opened and put your head right in front of it, keeping your eyes closed to avoid the burn of the light. “Sir,” you pleaded, your voice raspy, “sir, please. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, sir. Please.” You were crying. You couldn't stop. You couldn't hide it. 

He paused before he pushed the tray through, but he didn't say anything. 

You were lying on the floor, trying to figure out whether you were awake or dreaming when everything was suddenly bathed in light. You must be dreaming. Oh, but would a dream hurt so much? You rolled onto your stomach and curled up in a ball to try to shield your eyes from the light. Wake up wake up wake up, you chanted to yourself.

And then– Then, as you were curling up, tighter and tighter, on the floor, someone touched you, lightly, gently on your back. When was the last time you’d been touched? You didn’t know. You started crying, even as you pressed up into the soft caress.

“Oh sweetheart,” someone said. An angel. But wait. You knew that voice. “Look at you,” Andy said, “we’ve both had a rough few days, huh?”

You slowly rolled back over, wincing harshly at the light. There he was, crouching over you. You squinted at him, trying to make out his features. You started to sit up, but it ached to use your muscles that way.

He reached out a hand to help you. “Go slow, honey,” he said, and his voice was so gentle. “Give yourself a minute to adjust.”

“Sir?” you rasped. Was he really here?

“Hi sweetheart,” he cooed, as he carefully pulled you into his arms. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“How–” you blinked up at him, feeling so disoriented. “How long?”

“Too long,” he answered sadly. “But we both needed time to calm down, didn’t we?” 

He stroked your back, and you whimpered. It felt so good. You’d been alone for so long. You nuzzled into his chest, the tears still streaming down your face. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t– I shouldn’t have– I don’t know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t understand. Please forgive me.”

“Oh honey,” he sighed. You wished that you could drink up his gentle voice after so much silence. “I know. I know. It was a hard day. I understand. I’ll forgive you. After your punishment, it’ll be like it didn’t even happen.” 

“Punishment?” you looked at him in horror. “But– This– I–” You’d already been through so much. How could there be more?

“Sweetheart,” he said, his voice picking up a firm edge. “This was just a little timeout. For both of us. So that we could both calm down and think about what happened. You know I never want to punish you when I’m angry.”

“But I’m sorry,” you cried, grasping at his shirt. You didn’t think you could handle a punishment. You were afraid you’d break into a million pieces in that room.

“You tried to hurt me.” All of the gentleness was gone now. “You have to be punished so you learn.”

You barely nodded as you curled up in his arms, crying quietly. You’d been so stupid. So, so stupid. It was such a mistake.

“I’ll tell you what, honey.” His hand resumed its stroking, up and down, up and down your back. So gently. “If you’re very good for me, if you take your punishment like a good girl, then we can go right back upstairs when it’s done. We won’t have to spend any more time down here.”

“Really?” You’d been so afraid that you’d doomed yourself to months down in the basement again, even worse than before.

“Really. Neither of us wants to be down here, do we? We both want to be happy upstairs, don’t we?”

“Yes, sir. Please, please. I’ll be good. I’ll be a good girl.”

“I know you will be, sweetheart. Let’s go get it over with, huh? Then we can take a nice long bath to get all this grime off of you. Can you move? Can you get up?”

“Yes, sir,” you mumbled into his chest, but you didn’t make any effort to move. Not yet. You wanted to savor this for a few more moments. You knew that as soon as you got into the punishment room, all of the gentleness would be gone. He’d be the figure from your nightmares again. And you knew you deserved it. You were so stupid. But you needed a couple more minutes of his soft touches before you’d be ready.

Tag List

@stargazingfangirl18 @yenzys-lucky-charm @thezombieprostitute @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @bval-1 @km-ffluv @texmexdarling @ladyvenera @roxyfan14-blog @darkserenity24 @midnightramyeoncravings @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @ronearoundblindly @brandycranby @steviebbboi @missaprilt23 @foulpersonahandsvoid @alexakeyloveloki @spiderwebbedhearts

[kirameliaoustern]

Boston Chris - part two

Summary: After Chris and Y/n broke up she is miserable, she didn’t wanted to face reality, a reality without Chris. When she finally gets better is when Chris slowly starts to realise his mistake… will they make up or leave their romance in the past?

Read to find out

Angst & fluff

Not prof read!

[Part one below]

The day after Thanksgiving

Walking down the stairs after seeing their car gone y/n wanted to break down and cry but weirdly she couldn’t.

She just felt empty.

Chris was so long a part of her life. Going to high school - Chris was there, her parents divorce - Chris was there, finishing school - Chris was there, starting her career - Chris was there, losing friends - Chris was there.

He was the only constant in her life. To what should she hold in to now?

Sitting down with her fluffy blanket around her and the bowl of cereals, she pulls her phone out and goes straight to tiktok.

That was a mistake. Chris edits were everywhere.

There was and edit that said ‚I miss Boston Chris‘ a slideshow with photos of Chris from 2020 to 2022 and photos from 2022 to 2024.

Yeah she missed Boston Chris to.

Her Boston Chris.

Even his fans noticed how he changed, it wasn’t a negative change but a change nonetheless.

That’s just life right? People grow up and change. She just never thought her and Chris would become one of those people, who grow up and grow apart.

Closing tiktok she unfollowed Chris on every platform. If she wanted to move on, she couldn’t stand seeing his face everywhere and how easy it is for him to just go on with life without her while she is barely holding on without him.

She noticed that he hadn’t deleted their pictures yet, she deleted theirs of them on her account.

Chris was her first love she can’t imagine ever loving someone that way again.

She got up back in her bed and stayed there for the next few days, her phone shut off.

4 days after the break up

She turned her phone on for the first time since the day after thanksgiving.

A few of her friends messaged her asking what happened but one message stuck out the most.

Vinnie Hacker: hey are u alright with all those things going on?

Delivered 3 days ago

Vinnie Hacker: hey snoopy let me know that you’re alive, getting worried

Delivered: 1 hours ago

Y/n smiled at that. Her and Vinnie texted a few times after they met at the party in April, not a lot maybe a handful of times.

They met once so she could give him his jacket back and he invited her to eat ice cream because he insisted that this Ice cream shop in LA was the best one in the world.

Y/n couldn’t say no to free ice cream, obviously.

As they were there y/n took 5 scrapes of the so called “snoopy spoon” sort. Y/n said it was the best one and Vinnie laughed at how excited she was for the ice cream so he began to call er snoopy.

It helped y/n to take her mind off things. It was 2 days after Chris and her had this big fight after the party, her last day in LA.

Chris said he didn’t had time to drive her to the airport so she had to ask Vinnie even tho she barely knew him at the time. He was the only other person she knew in LA.

Vinnie saw the faded hand print on y/n’s wrist. He didn’t comment on it and for that she was thankful. After that day Vinnie checked in on her every now and then.

He didn’t had any Intentions behind this. She was his friend and he was simply just worried.

That’s it right?

Y/n: I’m feeling weird but I’ll survive I guess.

Y/n: thanks for asking tho :)

Delivered: now

His messages were different from the others, they all wanted to know WHAT had happened and HOW.

Vinnie just wanted to know HOW she is doing. He didn’t care what everyone else said.

Vinnie Hacker: I’m in Boston next week. Wanna go for a little ice cream snoops?

Vinnie Hacker: it’s one me ;)

Y/n: yeah sure, ring me up when you’re here

Meanwhile

The triplets were back in LA since a few days.

Chris felt weird seeing all the media having an opinions on HIS relationship, well his ex relationship.

It left a bitter taste on his tongue, he didn’t know why.

He felt sad seeing that she deleted all their photos together and unfollowed him as if she was wanted to erase him from her life like he was nothing more than a stranger to her all this time. Like they didn’t had existed.

Chris didn’t wanted to delete their pictures on his account. It was proof that they DID happened. There was a time were they were real.

The boy was happy in these pictures, in those times. He wanted to keep them and reminisce them, appreciate them.

So he didn’t delete them. He didn’t unfollow her. He wanted to keep track on her. Seeing if she would be okay.

She was still important to him.

A week later

It was around 6 pm and Y/n and Vinnie were walking along the beach with their ice cream in hand, the sun is slowly setting, casting an comfortable orange around them.

“You would be fine living like that?” Y/n asked him curiously.

Vinnie just told her that he would like to live in a small house in the mountains and his beloved ones.

“Why do you sound so surprised?” He asked in return looking down at her with a smile on his lips.

“It’s just I would never expect a guy like you to have this as his dream life”

“A guy like me?” He lets out a chuckle “okay what do you thought would it be according to ‘a guy like me’ ?

“Probably living in a big fancy house, partying everyday and living his best life with his friends and hundred of girls” Y/n finishes as she puts a spoon of ice cream into her mouth a smile also gracing her lips.

At that the boy let’s out a loud laugh almost dubling over.

“What” he spits out still trying to calm down

“If you think like that then you have the wrong image of me snoops” he said smiling.

“Okay you know I just thought-“ the girl was cut off as a group of girls around their age startet to surround them and asking Vinod for pictures.

Her smile fell. She knew what was coming. Had all this with Chris.

Flashback

Chris and Y/n were holding hands walking around the mall as girls came up to them and wanted Chris attention.

Chris let go off Y/n’s hands and began to fully concentrate on the beautiful girls.

She didn’t had any issues with Chris interacting with his friends, not at all she just didn’t liked how Chris just put her aside and ignored her as soon as he got attention from someone else.

As if she wasn’t important

It never was like that

It didn’t help that girls looked her up and down as if she wasn’t worth his time

Chris noticed this but acted like he didn’t

“Sorry Baby I just talk with them for a few minutes you can’t wait over there” he apologizes, pushing her away as if he was embarrassed of her

“It’s okay”

She sat down on a bench aside as Chris was swarmed with girls

It also didn’t help that the girls were super skinny and super beautiful.

Y/n wasn’t over weight but it still made her a little insecure.

She sat there for 30 minutes, alone.

This wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last time this would have happened

End of flashback

“Hey can we take a picture?” One of the girls says.

He turns to y/n “is it okay for you?” He asks

“Yeah of course.” She was dreading the wait ahead of her.

“Sure we can” Vinnie said to the girls.

What Y/n didn’t expected was that he included her in the picture and the conversations.

He didn’t wanted her to feel left out.

The interaction only lasted for about five minutes because Vinny cut them off.

“Hey guys so I would really love talking more with you but we kinda have plans so..” he trails off pointing between him and Y/n.

She felt important, she liked that.

A smile began to form on her lips.

After that day Y/n and Vinnie began to spend more time together.

Vinnie started become some what of a best friend to her.

February 2024

“What’s got you in a sour mood?” Nick asked Chris as he had an attitude the whole day and well the last few days.

“Nothing” his brother answered with an annoying voice.

“No nicks right, you’ve been in a mood since days now Chris, what’s up?” Matt chimes in.

“Oh my god it’s nothing guys, get off my back.” Now he really was annoyed at them.

He opens his phone and his brothers saw Y/n instagram story was opened. Chris must have gone through it before they came to him.

He quickly closes instagram and opens tiktok.

But it’s too late now Nick and Matt saw it. In y/n story was a photo posted if Vinnie as they were in Boston in the Ice cream shop.

In the picture Vinnie said in front of y/n with a big smile on his lips as he scraped all the ice cream from the bowl.

The caption was:

he ate all my snoopy ice cream guess he has to buy me twice as much the next time 🤧

Next time

They will met again. This bothered Chris even tho he would never admit it.

Not to mention it was the ice cream shop y/n and Chris used to walk to on late summer evenings back when they were together.

The shop was only a twenty minute walk away from their street and both of them always appreciated the time together. It was one of the few times they were alone.

He noticed they spend a lot of time together after he and Y/n broke things off.

He saw her on his and him on hers story at least three times a week.

He hated it.

His brothers ,of course, saw the story’s too because they also followed them on instagram and instantly knew Chris was in a bad mood because of this.

“It this because of Y/n and Vinnie?” Nick asks slowly with hesitation in his voice.

The brothers knew that Y/n was still as sensitive subject for the boy.

Chris didn’t say anything but shut his of and ran his hands over his face.

“Bro if you want to get over her you have to stop stalking her alright.”

“I still keep track on her because I wanted to make sure that she would be okay not to watch her fall in love with another dude.” Chris says.

“What did you expect? That she would come running after you after you treated her like that?” Nick said.

“I just never imagined her with another guy.” Chris admits in a sad voice.

“After all the shit you pulled I’m surprised she didn’t dumbed your earlier.” Nick scoffs

“Hey it wasn’t that bad alright” Chris said defensively.

“We heard all those screaming Chris.” Matt adds to the conversation.

“I broke things off with her because I saw what it did to her and I couldn’t stand her getting hurt because of me.” Said the boy

“Why did you waited so long if you knew what it did to her?”

“Because I didn’t wanted to lose her. She’s was always there for me I thought I couldn’t live without her. It was selfish but knowing that she was in was still mine gave me security even tho our relationship wasn’t good at those times.” Chris admits.

“And you couldn’t just I don’t know talk to her?” Nick explains sarcastic.

“It wasn’t that easy. There were so many times I wanted to but there was already this… wall between us that I hoped it would just solve themselves.” Chris began.

“These months we barely talked I was scared that when we finally talked, she would tell me she wants to break up with me. I ignored her because I didn’t wanted to face the truth that I was losing her.” He finishes.

“Were you still in with her when you broke up with her?” Matt again.

Silence

“It doesn’t matter she’s clearly doing fine with Vinnie.” Chris said Vinnies name with disgust in his voice.

“Chris do you regret breaking up with Y/n?” Matt asked again.

Silence

Chris stood up from the couch and made his way outside.

“Where are you going?” Nick yells after him.

“Need to clear my head.” Chris response going for a walk.

March 2024

5 months after the break up.

“Wow you finally took down the pictures.” Vinnie commented as he came into Y/n room and saw all her photos with Chris were taken down.

“Yeah it feels like it was time.” She responds.

“I’m glad you did.” He smiled as he flopped down beside her in her bed. “Proud of ya snoops” he finished ruffling her hair.

She lets out a giggle at his actions.

“Sooo what are we doing now?” He asks.

Y/n gives him the look.

Thirty minutes later Vinnie and Y/n both had a cup full of ice cream and were walking back to her house.

“We really need to find something else to snack, I’m gonna gain a lot of weight when we eat Ice cream every time I see you.” Y/n said with a Chuckle leaving her lips.

“You’re gonna be beautiful either way.” Vinnie let out.

Y/n blushed slightly. It has been so long since someone had called her beautiful. It didn’t just came from anyone, it came from Vinnie Hacker.

“Ice cream is our thing y/n. We can’t change that.” Vinnie jokes as he bumbs his shoulder with hers.

“When you say so I guess I can’t do anything about it.” The girl plays along while rolling her eyes.

Vinnie chuckles as that.

They chatted for a while til they got to her house.

“You know I’ll always enjoy our ice cream stops.” Y/n said friendly.

“I’ll enjoy spending my time with you no matter what we’re doing. But I’ll admit it’s cute how you always got ice cream on your nose while you lick your cup clean.” The boys responds.

Y/n gets a warm feeling inside her at his words.

“I have Ice cream in my nose?!” She exclaims.

“Yeah.” He whispers as he watches her trying to rub the ice cream off of her nose with a smile on his lips.

She doesn’t notice the way he looks at her.

“Is it gone?” She asks looking up at him. She notices now how tall he is in comparison to her.

“Almost.” He says quietly while walking closer to her.

She notices how close he is as he’s lifting his hand to hold her cheek while taking his pointer finger to wipe the ice cream away.

He’s still holding her cheek as takes his finger in his mouth to lick the ice cream away.

“No it’s gone.” He whispers looking deep into her eyes.

His smile slowly falls as he begins to lean closer to her.

She also leans in and closes her eyes.

She feels her lips touch his and it feels different.

As he begins to move his lips against hers she starts to move hers to.

It feels so good to know someone wants to kiss her so much she feels it in his body language.

She steps closer, her hands move from his waist ob his stomach, over his chest and cups his cheeks. All while never parting her lips from his.

His arms move to grip her hips and pull her closer to him.

His lips are soft, softer than Chris’s. Chris lips were soft but always a little chapped not like - wait

Why is she thinking about Chris now?

She hasn’t thought about Chris in so long. Of his lips in so long.

It’s the first time she is kissing someone other than Chris.

Chris was her first kiss. Her first everything.

Now he isn’t the only boy she has kissed.

She realizes her lips have stopped moving a few second ago.

Probably as she realizes she was thinking of Chris.

Vinnie begans to pull away as he notices her lips won’t start moving again.

So they just stand there now looking at each other.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” Vinnie apologizes quickly as panic begins to set in thinking he has done something wrong and ruined his chances with her.

“No no please you didn’t.” She pull his arms back around her. “I was just in my head for a moment.” She admits.

“If you’re not ready and still need time to -“ he starts but she cut him off. “No Vinnie, I enjoyed this really. It’s just you’re the first boy since.. you know. But I want to do this with you. I think I’m ready now.”

“Yeah?” He asks shyly.

“Yeah.” She reassures.

“Good cause I really like you.” He admits letting out a little breathless laugh.

She smiles up at him and pecks his lips.

“Good night Vinnie.”

“Night snoops”

April 2024

6 months after the break up.

The triplets arrived at their hotel an hour ago.

They were guests at the Ellen show today but Chris seems down.

Nick and Madi were out to get Starbucks across the street so Matt took the opportunity to talk with Chris.

“Hey man what’s up?” The boy begins as he sat down beside his brother.

Chris just looks at him and shakes his head. He knew what he was going to say.

“Save it matt”

“Talk to me”

“No”

“Why not, I could help you.”

Silence

“Chris come on.”

“…. I just uhm… lately I’ve been thinking about y/n… a lot”

“Okay and what about it?”

“I just wish.. really wish that I could call her right now and tell her all of this to hear her reaction.” He lets out a chuckle as he remembers all the time she was more excited than him about his news.

“She was the type of person who was more happy about your accomplishments than you. That was one of the many reasons I loved her.” He smiles at their memory of her as he tells Matt all of this.

“She was the first person I wanted to tell or see when I had good news. Wether it was a win at lacrosse practise, a good grade a new song I learned at the guitar as I was still playing.” He stops and his smile falls. “ I don’t have that anymore. I can’t just call her and tell her this but I want to so… ugh… so god damn bad.”

“I miss talking to her.” Chris continues. “She understood me. It becomes clear now how much I need this, her, y/n”

“There are so many things I want to tell her, tell her that we made it that the things we dreamed of became true. Did you know there was this one time in summer we were walking home this ice cream shop and jokes about us being on the Ellen show? And today we just were and I can’t share that with her.” He finishes.

Matt stays silent for a bit. He knew how much his brother has loved that girl.

“Chris.. uhm I don’t know how to tell you this but when you broke things off with y/n I knew you would regret that. I mean yeah we were suddenly known that you probably thought you wanted more but in the end you only ever wanted her u just lost focus on it for a while.” Matt said.

“And what do I do now?” He asks his brother, looking up at him with tears in his eyes.

“I don’t know.”

“Fantastic” Chris lets out a sarcastic laugh.

“Look were back home in Boston next month how about you just try to apologize?” Matt tries.

“After half a year?”

“Better late than never.” Matt puts a hand on his shoulder and gives him a smile that Chris returns.

He will try.

May 2024

“Vinnie stop” y/n is laughing really hard as he tickles her.

“No, say it.” He smiles down at her.

“Never” she says between laughs.

“You wanted it this way.”

He starts tickling her side now.

“Alright alright I’ll eat it. You’re better at valorant than me.”

Vinnie stops tickling her, turns her around in the bed and hovers above her.

“See it wasn’t that hard.” He says with as teasing smile as he looks down at her.

“Mhm” y/n lets out, pulling at his necklace that dingles in front of her face.

Vinnie gets the hint and leans his head down to capture her lips with his.

Their tongues melt and y/n starts to smile as she feels his hand at her sides again m.

As Vinnie feels her smile against his lips he can’t help it but smile to.

He pull away and start to nuzzle his nose against hers.

“You’re smell so good” he sighs against her.

Vinnie knew he was deeply in love with her. Hell he probably fell in love with her after their talk that night at the party.

He just hopes she feels the same. Sometimes he worries she might just is with him as a distraction from Chris.

Last week he asked to be her boyfriend and she agrees. He really hopes she means this serious as it’s serious to him.

A little while later they are ready to go out on a date. He will took her to this new fancy restaurant at the end of the city.

Amelia’s

As y/n put her jacket on Vinnie came down the stairs.

“Are you ready beautiful” he says leaning down to kiss her neck as he opens the door.

“I’m am my handsome boyfriend.” He chuckles at that, leaning down to kiss her as he walks backwards out the door, lips still locked with hers, pulling her with him by her jacket.

As they were outside he finally pulls away. She smiles up at him as he lets go of her and opens his car door for her.

Right as she was about to go in she meets a pair of blue eyes. The blue eyes that she would recognize anywhere.

Even tho everything about him has changed, he got a new a hair cut a new style his eyes a still the same ones she fell in love with so long ago.

Chris stand there with an devastating look on his face. He looks like he’s about to cry.

The triplets just got out of the car. They come probably from the airport to visit their family.

Great timing y/n thought.

“Y/n” Vinnie says pulling her out of her staring/ trance contest with Chris.

She turns around and looks at him.

She gets in the car and Vinnie closes her door.

She didn’t see the lion Vinnie and Chris gave each other as Vinnie gets in the driver side and drives off towards the restaurant.

Y/n tries not to think about Chris and enjoys her time with Vinnie but Chris is still in the back of her mind.

3 hours later

Vinnie stops his car in front of y/n house and turns his head towards her.

“I had fun today” he says.

“Me too.” She responds and she means it.

He leans in and kisses her passionately.

As he pulls away they look deep in each other eyes.

“I love you” Vinnie says suddenly.

This is the first time either of them has said the L word.

Y/n’s eyes widen.

“You don’t have to say it back I just wanted you to know it.” Vinnie says quickly in a soft voice.

Y/n kisses him again, gives him a smile and gets out of the car.

“Good night Vinnie” she says

“Dream of me snoopy.” He says with a smile.

“Always.” Her smile is so big.

She watches his car drive off and as she can’t see it anymore she turns around and starts walking towards her front door.

“You’re moved on.” Her smiles drops as she hears his voice.

The voice she hadn’t heard in six months.

The girls stand still. She doesn’t want to turn around and face him.

“I knew you would be okay.” He continues as he steps closer now crossing the road.

“Did you?” Y/n asks still not turning around.

“Of course I did. I always knew you deserved better than what I gave you. That’s why I let you go.”

“Stop it.” Her was is calm and soft. No anger. She was never the type to hold grudges against people. She turns around. “I never wanted you let me go.”

“I had too. I saw what I did to you.”

“When you knew what you did to me all those months why didn’t you stop? Why didn’t you talked to me?” She isn’t mad just curious.

“I don’t know.” She closes her eyes at his answer. “But I know that I regret everyday how I treated you. And I know that I’m so incredibly sorry.” She turns around and starts making her way to her door. She knows this isn’t nice but she couldn’t hear him talking anymore.

But he wasn’t finished. “And most importantly I know that I miss you more than anything.” She stops again and turns around to face him as she hears how desperate his voice has gotten.

“I miss taking to you, I muss telling you what’s going on in my life and I miss hearing what’s going on in yours. I muss hearing your laugh and kissing you, holding and.. and,” he stops for a short moment to take in a deep breath and calm his nerves. “ I miss being with you y/n.” He finishes his speech.

Y/n stays silent as they both just look at each other in the dark night.

The only lights are the moon and the street lamps a little away.

They never thought they would find themselves in this situation.

“Do you miss me?” He asks stepping closer to her.

“Chris..” she turns her head away

“Answer me please.” He sounds so desperate as he grabs her hand.

“Don’t you remember us? How good we were? Why are you wasting you’re time with him?”

She pulls away suddenly as she hears his words.

What they were.

The were he was talking about didn’t exist anymore and it never could. They were different people now.

She remembers all the times she felt not important to him. She never felt that way with Vinnie. And hearing how he talked about him made her angry for the first time that night.

Vinnie was the person who was there for her after he left.

He helped her repairing the things he broke.

If anything she was wasting her time waiting for him to show her love again.

“The us youre talking about does not exist anymore.” She said calmy looking into his eyes. “And my time with Vinnie is anything but a waste.” She turns around, for the last time she hopes.

“Are you happy with him?” Chris got mad. He was and at himself that he had let her go and he couldn’t unmake that mistake now.

“Yes.” She says.

“Do you love him?”

“Yes”

That broke him. She loved someone.. that wasn’t him.

He wanted to break down and cry, beg on his knees for her forgiveness.

“Wonder how longer that lasts.” Instead he only made it worse.

“What.” She turns around.

“I mean you see how it was with us. What made you think it will be any different with him? He’s also an influencer”

“He isn’t you.”

That shut him up

“He makes time for me, he doesn’t makes me feel useless, he won’t leave me.”

“Yeah alright” he lets out a sarcastic laugh. “ I see you when you’re come clawing back to me after he leaves you.”

“Fuck you Chris.” She finally tunes around and gets inside her.

As she slams the door shut she leans against it and slides down.

She starts so cry again. Again because of Chris.

The next morning

Y/n woke up to a headache.

She felt like shit, she honestly just wanted Vinnie.

Ding dong

Could Vinnie read her mind?

She made her way downstairs to open the door.

On the other side of the door was the last person she wanted to see.

Chris.

She bag an to close the door again.

“Wait” he calls out. “ I wanted to say sorry.”

“I have this feeling we were at this point before.” She responds.

“I wanted to say sorry for last night.”

She opens her door again.

“Come in”

“I over stepped. I should have never commented on your relationship with Vinnie.” It was hard for him to say what he’s about to say but it’s for y/n so he would do it. Because he would do anything for her.

“I’m happy if you’re happy. I really wanted to apologize last night but as I saw you with him.. y/n I just lost it. I never thought I would see you with another man.”

“It’s okay Chris” she tries.

“No it’s not. I admit I regret breaking up with you. But that was my mistake. I can’t blame you or him for that only myself. I mean I understand why he likes you.” Chris chuckles.

“You’re an amazing girl y/n i’m sorry if I ever made you feel like your weren’t.” She could see the honesty in his eyes.”if I’m completely honest I had hope that after our visit, we both Cousy start over -“

“Chris-“ she tries to cut him off.

“No let me finish. As I saw how he looks at you and how you look at him I knew that was it. I really wished we had a different ending. I mean for a very long time I thought I was going to marry you.” Letting out a soft laugh.

It was silent for a few seconds.

“I want to remember us as something I was happy about. I don’t want this us, the memory of us to be ruined. I want to remember the innocent us, the one who dreamed of the future and our biggest worriers were if we’re gonna have a ride to the arcade.” She said

They bitch chuckled at that.

“Chris I want to remember you as the boy I fell in love with in Highschool who would do everything to make sure I was happy. Not as someone who couldn’t care less if he saw me or no” the girl finishes.

“Y/n-“

“I know you didn’t mean too and I’m proud of everything you guys accomplished.”

“We were each others first loves. Let’s leave it at that.” She sends him a smile which he returns.

By now they were standing outside again.

“You will always mean something to me and you will always have a special place in my heart” he said to her

“You will always have a special place in my heart too.” She wispers in his ear as they hug each other.

As they pull sways she finishes with.”and you will always mean something to me too.”

After that Chris turns around and heads to his home.

“Say hi to Matt and Nick for me.” She yelled after him.

“Will do!”

As she turns back she sees Vinnie standing by her door. With flowers in his hands.

“You will always mean something to me?” Vinnie repeats her words as jealousy is written over his face.

“Vinnie let me-“ she starts

“Is this the reason you didn’t said that you love me back? Because of him?” He upset but more so sad.

“No Vinnie listen to me.”

He scoffs and gets in his car

She follows him and gets in the driver side.

“No stop, you listen to me now.” She said snatching the keys from his hands. “Me and Chris, we were together for over four years of course he still means something to me, he’ll probably always will have speical place in my heart but he is not the person I want to be with for the rest of my life anymore, thats you Vinnie. Because I love you.” The girl told him.

“Really”

“Yeah”

He leans over, cups her cheek and kisses her deep.

They both smile as he repeats “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Over and over again as he kisses over her cheek, nose, eyes, chin, neck. Everywhere he can reach.

“Say it again.” He says

“I love you”

“Again”

“I love you Vinnie”

Thanksgiving 2024

This year Vinnie celebrated thanksgiving with the y/l/n and the Sturniolo’s. It was great that they were all together again.

The triplets told them about their upcoming tour and new 8 million merch they’re about to drop.

Y/n and Vinnie told about how they going to move in together in London.

Who would have thought that a year ago?

As y/n and Chris sat opposite each other and smiled at one another they knew, they were always going to be alright and they would be beside each other when they would need the other.

I guess who ever said ‘it all works out in the end’ was right.

But he could have warned us about the hard way there…

-

A/n: heyyy loves I hope you guys enjoyed part two and are okay with who became endgame. I was thinking about making Chris and y/n endgame but I really liked the relationship with Vinnie.

Okay and maybe I have a slight crush on Vinnie at the moment.

Anyways let me know if you liked this part and want me to write more fics about different celebrities.

Also sorry again for spelling mistakes like I said English isn’t my first language.

Til next time, xoxo

[tayswife]

— all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothin'

☆ mother figure taylor swift x daughter figure reader

☆ description: taylor finds out how much you hate thanksgiving after you get into a fight with your mother on that day. she’s there to pick you up from your house and celebrate thanksgiving with just the two of you in a loving household.

☆ a/n: anyone else just really hate thanksgiving…can tay PLEASE just come save me ugh

☆ warning: mention of ed, family problems, depression, anxiety, self-harm. hard fic, please read with caution it’s pretty detailed!

you hated the holidays. it always made you feel lonely for not having a big loving family. everyone at school would talk about how excited they were to spend time with their parents or see their cousins and aunts and grandparents. you overheard all of their chatter as their mouths moved a mile a minute all around you. you were invisible at your little desk in the little corner of the class. it made you realize that you weren’t even loved enough to have a friends-giving.

thanksgiving had to be the worst of all. christmas was nice with all the pretty lights and the presents, halloween was fun to be spooked to turn a corner in your house, worrying that michael myer’s would be on the other side. But thanksgiving…thanksgiving was eating, and family and, love. everything you couldn’t do.

it wasn’t that you weren’t recovered. you were. or rather, taylor thought you pretty much were. you could eat food and you had skin on your bones again. however, every time that fork touches your lips, the thought of calories pops into your head for a second. the thought of thanksgiving being a holiday of eating a bunch of food around a bunch of people overwhelmed you. especially around the people who caused you to feel the need to starve yourself in the first place.

taylor was the one person who helped you to recover. she had been like a proper mother through it all. correcting all the negative thoughts in your head that your real mother threw at you.

it was almost a year ago that taylor reached out to you. you were a big fan of hers for pretty much your entire life and she happened to stumble across your twitter account. when she saw all of the sweet posts about her, it warmed her heart. however, the times where you would vent on there pulled on her heart strings until they ached. she reached out to you and met you at the eras tour a month later.

from there on, you’ve both became inseparable. you stay at her house at least a couple days each week with your parents hardly even noticing. she even goes as far as to introduce you as her daughter when it doesn’t matter much. to you, it means the world to have someone who actually wants people to know that you belong to her. you wish you truly, biologically, do.

you didn’t know what taylor was up to for thanksgiving. she hadn’t mentioned it besides asking you what you were doing. you told her you were going to be eating dinner with your parents and a couple of other family members at your house like every year. you left out the details of how you probably wouldn’t even get to eat yet before running off to your room crying over something someone said while your parents fight in the distant.

you really hate thanksgiving.

or maybe you just hate your life.

it was the morning of the dreaded day. you stretched out your limbs, groaning at the feeling your muscles after being curled up all night. you reached for your phone on your bedside table and then threw your blankets over your head to protect yourself from the late autumn chill in the air.

the first thing that caught your eye when you turned on your phone was a text message from taylor. it wasn’t out of the ordinary but it still made you feel fuzzy to wake up to that.

the text read, “good morning my darling girl, happy thanksgiving 🦃☺️ how are you feeling about today?”

even though you hadn’t discussed your feelings about this holiday to the singer, it was like an unspoken thing that it was bound it be hard. taylor wasn’t a stranger when it came to the topic of your family issues. she knew about it, she saw it.

you were always honest with her cause she’s proven, time and time again, that she would always help you. however, you didn’t have much energy to go deep into everything right now. you didn’t have much energy for anything at all, really.

you responded back, “morning tay. i’m feeling alright. obviously not very excited about it but i have no reason to be upset just yet.”

after hitting send, you shut your phone off, not having the motivation to wait and see what she says. you get up and start getting ready for the day. 

☆

as the day progressed, you only got continuously frustrated. you spent the entire afternoon helping your parents prepare the meal and set the table up. nobody had even arrived yet and you already had to bat away your tears.

it got particularly bad when you accidentally dropped a plate. it sent your mother over the edge. as if she didn’t have a million more of those plates, as if it wasn’t an accident. she began screaming at you for not paying attention, for always messing things up. you tried to stand up for yourself but your worlds always got caught in your throat. you were honestly thankful, as much as it hurt, when she said that you aren’t welcome at the family thanksgiving and can just eat in your room.

you didn’t want to attend anyways.

you ran to your bedroom, locking the door and sliding down it as tears streamed down your face. you didn’t really know why you were crying so much hence you got out of the dreaded dinner.

but the hurtful words of your mother, your father agreeing with her instead of showing you an ounce of compassion, your family caring so little about you that they don’t care about you not being at the holiday, the loud sound of the plate shattering and your mother screaming, completely overstimulating you.

you felt like you couldn’t get a proper breath out. and maybe it would’ve been easier if your nose wasn’t stuffed from sobbing or if the position you were sitting in didn’t squeeze you and make you feel like your air pathways were blocked.

your shaking hand reached into your back pocket to grab your phone. there was a notification from earlier. from when you responded to taylor and then turned your phone off. you opened it and a small smile spread across your face.

“i know, honey. i’m here if you need a break, okay? you know you can always text me <3”

you debated shooting her a text, going back and forth with your own mind. even though she told you to reach out to her, you were still afraid that she was just saying it to be nice.

you eventually fought against the overthinking side of your brain after minutes.

“sorry i didn’t respond, i was helping with dinner. no use with my help though; im apparently not allowed to attend thanksgiving this year.”

you flipped your phone over and popped off your phone case. a shiny metal blade fell right out of it. you kept it in there for safe keeping’s. if you were ever in a panic and just needed to cut for some release.

you didn’t even hesitate to drag the sharp edge against your inner arm, nearing your wrist. you just sat there with a blank face, stiff from the salty tears dried on it, and watch as drops of blood start pooling at the thin lines of the cut.

after a couple minutes, your phone buzzes so you pull your sleeve back down, not bothering to wipe away the crimson. it’s a response back from taylor,

“can i come pick you up now? how about you come stay at my house and we have our own thanksgiving? ☺️”

it seemed as if though taylor was just waiting for you to text her. like she was waiting with baited breath, her shoes and coat on and her car keys in hand. she knew today wouldn’t last long.

you suddenly felt guilty for cutting. knowing you were going to be seeing taylor and that she had been so proud of you for being clean for a whole 2 weeks. you really didn’t care about clean streaks, if you were being honest. but it was important to her so it was important to you.

you agreed to it and she told you to give her twenty minutes to get there. on your shaky legs that felt like jello, you managed to stand up and start packing for the night.

once your bag was stuffed, you heard the doorbell ring. you grabbed your bag and ran downstairs to your front door, knowing it would be taylor because the guests weren’t supposed to arrive for another hour.

when you got to the front, your mother had gotten to the door right before you, answering with a smile on her face. as if she hadn’t just screamed at you a half an hour ago. she needed to seem like the perfect mother to everyone else.

the door opened and taylor stood there with a maroon turtle neck and her blonde hair tied in two low buns. her eyes flickered to you and then your mother, clearly looking a bit concerned, however, it was a face only you could distinguish.

“hi,” taylor started, sweetly, to your mother, “um i’m coming to pick y/n up. i told her she can spend the night at my house.”

it was clear to you that even taylor was nervous to ask. afraid that your mother would blow up at her. you were afraid of it too. you couldn’t live with yourself if your mother yelled at taylor all because of you. 

your mother turned back at you, a blank stare on her face. you stood there awkwardly, clenching the strap of your overnight bag. your mother shoved you closer to taylor, no ounce of love in her touch whatsoever. “you can take her,” was all she said.

you would’ve been upset that she let you go that easily, but frankly, you were glad she did. you couldn’t stay there any longer.

the door slammed shut on you and you were left on the porch with taylor. she immediately wrapped her arms around you, and you completely melted into her warmth. it felt relieving to be out of the house. you didn’t feel trapped anymore.

“i know. come on baby, let’s get home i have a bunch of yummy food ready for us.”

home.

it wasn’t here. wasn’t the place you lived. it was taylor. it was taylor and her house that was home to you. it wasn’t the first time she called it home for you but each time it made the burning pain on your heart cool down.

the car ride wasn’t too long as taylor didn’t live that far. she tried to make conversation with you but she could tell that you weren’t really up to talking yet so she opted for playing your favorite songs the rest of the way instead.

you both hopped out of the car and she grabbed your overnight bag for you before you could. “tay, you don’t have to carry it for me. i’m not a baby,” you shyly smiled.

“i know you’re not, peanut. but when you are at my house you get treated like a princess.”

she smirked at you. you playfully rolled your eyes and giggled at her. when you walked into the house, your favorite three little cats came up to you and rubbed against your legs. you bent down, showing attention to each of them by petting their soft fur and gently speaking to them as if they were babies.

“benjamin, your best friend is here!” taylor said excitedly.

“ben’s my bestie.” you picked up the cat and gave him a kiss on his head. it was a joke between you and taylor because benjamin has a big liking for you; constantly sleeping on you, climbing all over you, just with you 24/7 whenever you’re over.

taylor laugh at the two of you, and endearingly rubbed your back. “how about you go settle in and i’ll get dinner ready for us, sweetie?”

you nodded your agreement and shuffled off to the guest room that is pretty much yours at this point. taylor let you decorate the walls and keep some of your stuff in there.

you threw your bag on the bed, only have packed a couple of necessities considering the fact that you had mostly everything you needed here at taylor’s. when you sat down on your bed, a little stain of blood on your sleeve had caught your eye.

you hadn’t even realized that your cuts leaked through. you heart started beating a little faster. you weren’t sure if taylor had saw it.

you stripped off your crème colored sweater and tossed a dark one on instead. taylor had taken all of your blades in hopes it would prevent you from hurting yourself. and so, you brought some with you today for safe keeping’s. you shoved them into a sock and then into your drawer, knowing taylor would likely never find it there.

you then made your way down to the dining room where you saw taylor place the last dish. the table was garnished with a pretty table runner and her fanciest dishwear.

“just in time, princess,” she says, brushing her hands on her jeans after placing the dish down.

you sat in your usual seat across from taylor. she could see the hesitance written on your face when she started putting food on her own plate. she knew what was going on, she didn’t have to ask.

“hey,” she got your attention. you snapped your eyes up to hers, being pulling out of your spacey headspace, “it’s okay. you’re doing so good. i made your favorite mac and cheese.”

you smiled, feeling much more at ease. you were doing so much better but you still had your moments. “there was no mac and cheese at my house,” you said. and it came out sad, however, you had a smile on your face. the happiness of taylor remembering to make one of your favorite dishes overpowered the sadness of your family not even knowing you loved it. “glad i didn’t have dinner there.”

you made a fake grossed out expression and you both giggled at that. she grabbed the spoon and added an acceptable amount to your place. then a couple other sides that you okayed.

“no turkey?” taylor asked

you shook your head at her, “tay, turkey is nasty!”

“what! you’re crazy it’s the best part!” she playfully argued back.

“no the sides are the best part! i’d rather get full off sides than that yucky meat.”

“how did i just not know that you hate the best thanksgiving food? i feel betrayed!” taylor put her hand on her heart, shaking her head at her own disbelief, a little smile on her face.

you rolled your eyes at her and belly laughed. you both finished up eating the feast, filling yourselves to the absolute brim.

taylor leaned back, hand on her stomach and you mimicked her movements. “how do you feel?” she asks you.

“full,” is all you say, letting your head fall back on the chair.

she giggled at you and then it went quiet for a moment before she disrupted it again, “i’m so proud of you, you know.”

at this, you lifted your head back up to look at her, seeing nothing but genuine love. “thank you,” you said back, barley audible as it felt hard to get the words out with what felt like a lump suddenly in your throat.

“do you wanna talk about earlier?”

you shrugged, nearly forgetting all about it. when you’re with taylor you forget about your real family. being with taylor just feels so natural and right. “i dropped a plate. it was an accident. i didn’t mean it. my mother started screaming at me. she told me how much of a mess up i am. wouldn’t stop so i yelled back and told her to stop. she uninvited me to thanksgiving and that was it.”

“that was it?” she asks, sympathetically, doubtfully.

you pull at the loose strings on the hem of your sleeve under the table. your cheeks burn up a little and your breath feels caught in your throat.

“mhm,” you hummed, because anything else would’ve made you spill.

taylor doesn’t seem the least bit content with that. instead, she stands up and walks to your side of the table, opting for the chair right beside you. your heart rate picks up and you swear she can hear it from where she’s sitting.

“baby, i saw your arm when you reached for your fork. i’m not mad at all. i just want you to be honest with me.” you looked down at your lap that had your arms resting on it. you think she was looking there too but you didn’t wanna check. “it’s just me. it’s okay.”

“i’m sorry,” you apologized shamefully. feeling the embarrassment spread throughout you.

“progress is not linear. no need to apologize when you haven’t done something wrong.”

you lightly nodded so she knew you were still listening. and then she continued, “can i clean them for you? can i do that?”

once again another, “mhm,” from you. you hadn’t yet cleaned them yourself because you like the feeling of them being raw and fresh and bloody. she probably saw the crimson spread all over your arm and realized that they weren’t cleaned.

taylor placed the softest kiss on your forehead before standing up and grabbing your hand. she led you to her personal bathroom. and from there you hopped up onto the counter.

“can i see?” she asks for your permission first like always. you nodded, slowly, hesitantly. you still hadn't got used to her seeing your arms. you don't think you ever will. it wasn’t the first time she had cleaned them for you but each time still doesn’t get easier.

she rolled up your sleeve all the way to your elbow. there was dried blood all over your arm. you were embarrassed that you couldn’t even clean yourself up, however, taylor didn’t seem to bat an eye at it.

“how about we watch a christmas movie tonight? i’ll let you pick and i’ve made and pumpkin pie we can have!” she’s trying to cheer you up, trying to distract you from the scary task at hand. “please tell me you like pumpkin pie…”

you giggle, “yes of course i do. and that sounds amazing, tay!”

she too laughed while she damped a rag in the sink. You could hardly feel the rag brush against your broken skin. She was gentle always. careful that she wouldn’t break you under her fingertips. the red on your arm started to fade away and turn into lines rather than a big blob.

taylor then got out the antiseptic from the cabinet. she carefully applied the paste to your arm. you sat there with your arms out, waiting for this to be all over. you bit down on your lip from the anxiety this made you feel, nearly drawing blood. and your legs, dangling from the counter, shook vigorously from side to side.

"it’s okay," taylor muttered. her free warm hand was resting your cold leg which grounded you. "just take a deep breath, peanut. in and out. you’re safe with me." you inhaled and exhaled slowly, listening to her instructions. "i’ll always be here for you, pretty. I want you to remember that, okay? promise you'll come to me next time?" she asked, titling her head to look straight into your eyes, trying to convey her seriousness.

she put down the antiseptic and then put her pinky finger out to you. you gently smiled and wrapped your own around her finger, “promise,” you whispered. she smiled, feeling completely content with that.

once you were bandaged up and taylor placed a kiss on them to heal it with her love and care, you both sat on the couch with pumpkin pie slices plated in hand and the grinch playing on the tv screen. you eventually finished the slice and laid your head on taylor’s lap once you got sleepy.

her hands instantly found your hair like always, running her fingers through your silky locks and scratching at your scalp to calm you. “tay,” you whispered over the movies chatter. she looked down at you, soft smile on her face. you continued, “thank you for today. i’m so thankful for you. i love you.”

she wanted to cry. she was going to. she really was. but instead, she swallowed those tears down. “oh honey, of course. i wouldn’t want to spend today with anyone else. i’m so thankful for you,” she smoothed your hair back, “i love you.”

you smiled back at her and adverted your attention back to the tv screen. from the crying and all that food on top of it, you were so tired that you could hardly keep your eyes open. it didn’t take long for you to drift into a deep sleep on taylor’s lap.

once the movie ended and the credits started to roll, taylor had to plan how to get up without waking you. she had already saw you fall asleep earlier but wanted to allow you to just rest, knowing you really needed it.

she started to slowly scoot to the end of the couch, tucking her arms fully under your body so she wouldn’t drop you. you were a heavy sleeper anyways so she managed to not awaken you. she carried you all the way to your bedroom and thanked the universe that the bed was already unmade so she could just slip you in it.

as soon as you were placed on the soft mattress, you cuddled into it as if though you had been on it the entire time. taylor smiled down at you, kissing the top of your head like she always does and tightly tucking you into the warm cozy sheets.

she quietly shut your door, making sure that it wouldn’t make a loud creaking sound. once the door was shut, she took a deep breath, grateful that you finally got to feel some relaxation.

☆

later on in the night you began stirring in your sleep before shooting up into a sitting position. you clutched your chest, being confused as to how you ended up in this dark room. your mind eventually recognized your surroundings, however, you still felt so much anxiety in your chest.

you got up out of bed. it was so silent throughout the house that every step you took sounded louder than it usually was. you patted down the hall. taylor’s room was right by yours so you weren’t completely alone in another side of the house. her door was cracked open like always. she told you she did that incase you needed her it would make you feel more welcomed than if it was fully shut.

taylor was sleeping so peacefully and you felt terrible waking her but you were on the verge of a panic attack. you tapped her shoulder; no response. “taylor,” you whispered and gently nudged her. this got her to flutter her eyes open, rubbing at them so she could fully adjust to what was in front of her.

“hey, y/n? what’s wrong, sweets?”

“bad dream, tay. i’m sorry. i didn’t want to wake you i just got really scared. i—”

taylor finally cut off your rambling, “hey, hey, it’s okay. come here. come lay with me.” she lifted up her sheets and patted the spot beside her. you climbed right into her bed and instantly melted into her arms that were out for you.

anytime you’ve gotten a bad dream growing up, you would just be screamed at to got back to bed.

this felt foreign.

but it felt good.

“shhh i’m here. nothings gonna hurt you, baby.” she rubbed circles into your back, making you sleepy again. “bad dreams are just dreams, they’re not real. i’m real, you’re real,” she whispered into your ear.

your eyes started fluttering shut but you fought to keep them open. taylor quickly picked up on this. “close your eyes, get some sleep. i will be right here holding you until morning.”

they slowly started drooping shut at her permission. “goodnight. i love you, honey.”

“night mama. love you too,” you responded. and being half asleep, you didn’t even process what you called her before you were back in dream land.

her heart swelled at this, tears welling in her eyes. she didn’t have to be your biological mother to be your mother. it was the person who cared and loved you and would do absolutely anything in the world to make sure you were okay. that’s who was your mother at the end of the day.

[itsrlymine]

hi again it's 🧷!

the last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. i laughed. i cried. i peed myself. but im a person who likes a little journey. i've been affirming my ass off bc that's what works for me and i'm already feeling so much more control and better about myself. so thank u for the reality check.

also i have some successes....

yesterday, i thought i had a uti bc a girl keeps drinking apple cider cocktails i fear. it's just too good and it’s the holidays. 😫😭 but i kept telling myself i don't have one bc no way am i dealing with antibiotics (and no me time) for 2 weeks. and when i went to urgent care bc i still was a bit anxious in the 3D yk how it is. but guess WHAT. I WAS NEGATIVE 🤩. so that was cool. and they gave me stickers even though im like 20 which was very sweet LOL.

also today, i manifested that the type of pasta i needed for thanksgiving wasn't gone. bc if ur on tiktok and you've seen tini's mac and cheese recipe. the stores r sold OUT of cellentani shaped pasta... and i live in a big city.... so i made my sister go out and get 2 boxes on her way home from her rural ass college and she texts me like "hey you'll never believe this there were 2 boxes left all the way at the back of the shelf where no one would see them" and i was like😮‼️

but omg i'm like. wow!!! yay!!! all it took was a decision!!! i'm still learning to trust myself but i'm never turning back again. i'm embracing my title as queen god boss bitch of reality, and that even when i have off days it doesn’t mean bad things bc shit always works in my favor no matter what!!

All it takes is a decision!!!!! Yes babe like wtf lke this is so easy for you bc it is you!!! I love these successes of yours babe. You better keep drinking them apple cider cocktails. Lemme get one rq actually.

Health, appearance, food, getting people to do what you want.... All these "types" of manifestations are easy bc they are all the same!! There is only one way to get what you want and that is by accepting you have it. period.

This is amazing and I'm so proud of you babe!!!

[tirsynni]

Nivannedy Week Day 2

Survived the Thanksgiving trip. Barely. Here's Day Two of Nivannedy Week. I'll title it later when I post in on AO3.

DAY 2: “Who did this to you?” 

Untitled Part One

The plan was to meet with Agent Kennedy on-site. Leon’s handler, Agent Hunnigan, notified them that Leon had arrived approximately 24 hours before the BSAA team. Chris Redfield joked that the site would be cleared -- and probably on fire -- before they even landed. Piers Nivans wished he could agree. Maybe it was the echoes of Tatchi and the reports of Leon being killed in action prior to that, which did it, but Piers couldn’t shake his bad feeling.

When there was no sign of anyone at the rendezvous site, Piers’s bad feeling only worsened. A check-in with Agent Hunnigan confirmed no contact with Leon for the past four hours. The decision to split up and look for Leon was quick and uncontested by anyone on the team.

“Goddammit, Leon,” Chris grumbled over the coms. The signal was poor in this area, but not even the crackling of the radio could hide the worry in Chris’s voice. “If Claire doesn’t turn me gray, he will.”

Piers grit his teeth and didn’t respond. From the outside, the site looked like any other abandoned factory, ravaged by time and rust and the creeping wilderness. The inside looked much the same at first: broken furniture, cracked and shattered windows, no signs of life. Several rooms in, though, the picture changed.

“Bodies found,” Piers reported, assessing the area. He couldn’t quite make out what the room was supposed to be. Not a lab. Possibly an administrative room. There were multiple broken desks and chairs, and at least three visible bodies on the floor. Dried, dark red blood covered all of them.

“Anyone we know?” Chris asked. His voice was tense.

“No,” Piers said. He swept the room with his rifle and stepped carefully forward. He clenched his jaw as he studied the corpses. “I think they’re members of the staff.”

“BOWs?”

“Unknown.” Piers stared at the corpse closest to him. A woman with her long red hair torn from its bun. Broken glasses laid beside her body. “Human. Looks like stab wounds.”

“Do you think it was Leon?”

“No,” Piers said instantly. He assessed the corpse closest to the woman. The man was wearing a bloody white coat. “Not with these wounds.”

The woman’s death had been quick. She probably hadn’t had a chance to react before her assailant slit her throat. The cleanness of it hinted at a human perpetrator, but the man’s body definitely didn’t.

“Probable BOW,” Piers reported, studying the corpse. He had self-defense wounds. It looked like he had tried to raise his hand in self-defense before his assailant cut it off at the wrist. The man behind him had tried to run for the door but hadn’t made it before a single smooth blow stabbed him from behind. “Possibly something human-based.” The strikes were too clean and deliberate for a BOW’s brutal frenzy or something with claws. “I’ll keep you posted.”

“Do you need backup?”

“Negative. The bodies are already in stages of rigor mortis. If I see signs of recent activity, I’ll let you know.”

The next two rooms had more bodies. The third was empty of everything but dried blood. It was at the fourth that Piers paused and hit his comm again. “Update,” he said. He moved so his back wasn’t to the open door and held his rifle at the ready. “Signs of life found. Backup requested.”

The decapitated body behind the desk seemed good and dead, but on the desk, deliberately placed in a spot untouched by arterial spray, was a plate with a half-eaten sandwich and a cup of coffee. When Piers checked, the coffee was cool but not cold, with a splash of coffee still damp on the desk. The sandwich appeared fresh.

“Understood. On my way.”

Piers provided his location and swept the room again. Two doors: the one he came through and the one leading deeper into the factory. Chris should arrive shortly, and then --

“Piers?” a familiar voice called.

All thoughts of waiting for Chris flew out the window. “Leon!” Piers shouted. He started in the direction of Leon’s voice. Habit more than anything reminded him to comm Chris with the update and kept his rifle up. He ignored Chris’s demands for information to call to Leon again. “I’m coming! What’s your situation?”

“Shitty. Do you have a lockpick?”

Lockpick? 

The door led to a hallway with two doors on one side, three on the other, and another door at the far end. All of the doors were shut. Piers’s skin prickled, and he scowled. Not good. Not good at all. It would make sense to wait for Chris, but this was Leon. “Marco!” he shouted.

“Polo!” came Leon’s voice from the right. His droll response carried easily through the door.

It was a struggle to keep an eye on the other doors as he jogged to Leon’s door. “Is the door clear?”

“Clear!”

Good. Piers kicked the door open and swept the room with his rifle as he entered. Fortunately, there was no sign of the mysterious killer. The room was all but empty with no visible exits. Just Leon, a table, and a paper plate with a sandwich on it.

Leon, with a black eye, a busted lip, and his wrists shackled to the table.

Piers cursed and rushed forward. “Who did this to you?” he demanded.

“Someone who will be back any minute,” Leon returned. “Do you have backup? And a lockpick?” He paused and considered something. “And coffee?”

[1rsoldiersince2012]

Bound by Law (Matt Murdock x Reader)

Words: 3176 (chapter 49)

a quick update to break yet another writer's block * sighs *

49. Another night in Hell's Kitchen

"Who's this fancy looking fella?" Foggy asks, taking in Matt's appearance when you two come to the office minutes before the work day begins.

"You like it?" Matt slowly spins around, showing off his new navy blue suit, paired with a dark red tie with small black dots.

"Did you sell your kidney or something to buy this? Jesus, you're making me look like a subway worker." Foggy laughs, coming to touch Matt's suit to feel the material.

"Nah, got a good deal." Matt smiles, adding, "all the glory should go to y/n, she managed to bargain a smaller price."

Your cheeks turn a light shade of pink, and you quickly turn around from Foggy and Karen to hang your coat. "The owner is a friend of my mom and well, your blindness really soothed his character."

"Wait, wait. I think I'm missing something." Foggy stands, one hand on his hips, and intently looks at the two of you. "I think I need an explanation."

"Y/n invited me for Thanksgiving dinner and we raided the shops later." Matt shrugs as if it wasn't a big deal to hang out with an employee... On a holiday. At her parent's house.

"I just couldn't let him be sullen the whole weekend while we're all away." Making way towards the kitchen for coffee, you also escape curious glances, and soon, clients start coming, pilling up in the lobby with Karen. You don't get a chance to talk with Matt until noon, as he spends most of the time with Foggy, talking to clients and running around the lobby to print documents. You, however, continue to work alone in the office until the lunch break, and just when you thought you were all going to grab a bite, and you could have a chance to smoke a cigarette or two, three loud bangs on your office door, ruin all of your plans.

*** 

"I'm sorry... But your son has been involved in..." you raise your eyebrows at the short-haired black woman and her 16-year-old son, "an armed robbery?" 

"Yes, I've already mentioned it four times."

"Sorry, I'm a bit... Not well today. So, Paxton, could you please tell me what exactly happened? If you want to stay out of jail, I need to hear every single detail." 

Paxton's mother crosses her arms, clearly unhappy with the treatment she was receiving, while Paxton was sitting on one of the armchairs, not particularly bothered by the whole situation. "Nothing. My mother is exaggerating." He shrugs, looking out through the window.

"I'm sorry, he's joking, right sweetheart?" His mother tries to gently touch his arm, but Paxton slides away as far as he can. "He told me everything last night. That's why I came here without an appointment. I noticed how many people are here, I am so glad you could take us in during your break."

"Mrs Harris..." You begin, tapping your pen on your notebook, "enough with the pleasantries. I need the details so I could tell you if I'm able to help you and Paxton. Now, please, talk."

"Remember that article a couple of weeks ago about how five men robbed a jewelry store?" She asks, casting her eyes to the ground; you give her a negative answer and wait for a more detailed explanation. "Well, Paxton was involved in it."

"What did you steal?"

"Rings, necklaces, earrings. I found a box of them in his room." She answers for Paxton.

You look at the boy, noticing a small smirk he just bit away. "What were you planning to do with them, Paxton?"

"Sell. It's all gold." He rolls his eyes.

"Why?"

"I need money." Paxton says in a hurtful tone, sending a glare towards you.

"What for?" Your question hangs in the air heavily. "Why is a teenage boy so in need of money that he must go rob a jewelry store? Tell me, do you work somewhere?"

"No, the money that I bring home is enough." Mrs Harris answers for her son once more, and you look at him in thought.

"Is it drugs, Paxton? You need more money for a dose, don't you?" He stares back at you, visibly irritated. "Is it cocaine? Or marijuana? Do you smoke with your criminal friends after school? Where'd you get the guns from?"

"Excuse me, but these are false accusations, Miss y/l/n, I-"

You hold your hand up, and continue to look right at the boy. "It is drugs. Bloodshot eyes, runny nose. You keep buying those eye drops in hopes of concealing it, but they don't work, do they?"

"Miss-"

"How do you know?" He finally asks after failing the staring contest.

"I had my fair share of experience with drug addicts. Now, if we cleared this one up, where'd you get the guns and who were your accomplices?"

"I can't tell you. I made a promise." He protests in vain.

"Addict's promise is nothing more than an empty talk. Did they threaten you?" You're met with silence and uneasiness from Mrs Harris. "Paxton, we're bound by an attorney-client privilege. Whatever you say, stays in this room. I can only advise what's best for you in court."

"No."

"I think you're lying to me."

"Yes, okay? I had to keep my mouth shut so they would give me my share." You rub your forehead in thought, when Paxton speaks up again, "we found some guns in an abandoned place, it was like a warehouse or something. We only came there to threaten the owner, but then Joey fired a shot and... We didn't want to hurt anyone."

"Did you hurt someone?"

"No, the bullet went through the display glass, but we got scared and ran away." Paxton was still restricted, but after you assured that it stays between you three, he opened up. 

"Did anyone see you?"

"No, we wore masks."

"Can you tell other names? Besides Joey?"

He hesitates, cracking his fingers, afraid to meet his mother's eyes. 

***  

"He's agreed to help us, in exchange for a full immunity." 

"Did he give any names?" Mahoney asks, flipping over the papers.

"All of them." You answer, looking over at Mrs Harris and her son, still in your office. Matt and the rest of the office returned from their lunch break, and Matt was awkwardly hanging around Karen's desk, listening to you and Mahoney talking on the phone from time to time. Karen was pushing him to get a grip and finally start taking money from the clients, rather than doing everything for free; yet he kept pushing back with the same old arguments. 

"Well, I need you to come to the station, so we could take the statement, only then I can guarantee a full immunity."

"Alright, we'll see you soon, Sergeant."

*** 

You enter Josie's before seven, pushing through the thick crowd to the pool tables, old rock music is blaring through the speakers on full volume. Some guy almost spills his drink and starts apologizing profusely, so you quicken your step until you finally see familiar faces of Nelson and Murdock. "Apologies for the delay, Mahoney held us up." You sigh, stopping in front of the pool table to watch how Foggy misses a perfect shot.

"He likes to do that a lot." Foggy comments, trying to cover up his incredible failure.

"What happened? You were gone the whole afternoon." Matt fixes his glasses, directing his movements elsewhere, although he wanted to at least put a comforting hand on your shoulder... But not in public. 

"Uh... Whiskey neat?" You ask him, snatching his drink without waiting for an answer, and when the alcohol burns your throat, finally reply, "so basically, the warehouse where the kids found guns belong to the irish, yes, yet another gang in Hell's Kitchen. And the police are on the lookout for them, but it seems that they went into hiding." You put an empty glass on the table next to you, and touch Matt's shoulder, "Next one's on me."

"Wait, so what happened to the kids?" Karen asks, sipping her own drink, which you notice to be the same brand of  beer that Matt keeps buying for himself.

"We all talked, but of course, their parents weren't happy with the charges, so none of them confessed, but Paxton's on tape, and he still has the full immunity on the table." 

"And the store owner?"

"He didn't recognize any of them, but he did recognize the stolen jewelry that Paxton brought with him. At least they were smart enough to wear masks, but if Mahoney pulls out a search warrant, it's over for them." You sigh, plopping on the chair nearby. "I'm dog tired and I can't believe I've walked all the way from the station here."

"Hey, it's time to relax now, we've got all gang here!" Foggy puts his hands on your shoulders and shakes, a bit too strong for your liking.

"Nelson and Murdock are finally back!" Karen lifts her bottle and cheers when Matt's shot goes right into the hole. 

"That's a pretty damn good shot there, Murdock." You comment, and Matt's cheeks slightly blush. You quickly check him out, relaxed and laid back, his jacket ditched somewhere on the chair, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up and his strong arms exposed. If you could, you'd take him right here in the filthy bathroom of Josie's bar; but you can only bite your lip and wait for Josie to bring you a drink.

Matt laughs, "I only got lucky this time."

"He's been riding on that luck the whole evening, don't trust his words." Foggy comments and goes around the table to find the best position for himself again.

***  The evening goes by quickly, you've already lost the count on how many drinks you have consumed in those couple of hours, the bar is nowhere near empty, on the contrary, it only became fuller. Foggy has won two out of six rounds against Matt and has been glued to his beer ever since, apart from an occasional bathroom break, and now it was Karen v Matt in the 'grand pool battle', as Foggy called it. 

Your phone vibrates and you pull it out of your purse, confused. 1 new message. You can't help but look around the bar, before opening the message from an unknown number. Maybe Todd has come back to haunt you again?

U/N: hey, just wanted to check in, how are you?

You: sorry, who's this?

You see three dots appear and disappear multiple times, and at last, the person texts back, you quickly sober up.

U/N: It's Poindexter.

U/N: don't mean to appear like a stalker, but got your number from the case documents.

You: Oh

Dex clenches his jaw tightly, and Ray turns to look at him, clutching his phone. "You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah." Dex answers, briefly looking around where they have parked their car. Dex and Ray were on a lookout mission tonight, and after a long afternoon of contemplating, he finally gathered enough courage to text you. And your response wasn't as warm as he expected it to be.

After two long minutes, which felt like an hour to Dex, you finally started typing something. Ray side-eyed his partner with rising interest, pretty much because he has never seen him staring at his phone like that. Dex's small smirk to your message added more suspicion to the already boiling pot.

You: does this count as a part of your job, agent? 

Dex: not when I'm off duty.

You: are you off duty now?

Dex: well, I guess you caught me this time.

Matt listens to the sudden liveliness of your phone, slightly confused, but then Karen appears next to him and offers to teach how to play pool 'correctly', despite the obvious fact that he's been playing with Foggy the whole evening. You watch them from behind a half empty glass of whiskey, catching the way drunken Karen allowed herself to boldly touch Matt. You shouldn't be mad or jealous... Theoretically... Because you two weren't public or official. But theory aside, you were biting your cheek to refrain from a sarcastic remark. Matt couldn't help himself but smile awkwardly when he felt Karen's fingers sliding along his arm; her closeness was too much for his liking, especially in front of you; but your attention was somewhere else already.

You: didn't think feds worked overtime.  You replied cheekily, but then added, I'm ok. Thanks for asking, Dex.

Dex's response was quick, you don't know a lot about us then. I guess everything that happened was very hard for you. 

You get a fresh glass of whiskey, thinking over his message. It was strange, that when your life has finally settled, weeks after Teneke's murder, Dex decided to text you. Although there was some truth in his words, it was hard, the nightmares weren't the fun part of the whole thing too... But it was all in the past now; with Matt by your side, you allowed yourself to relax and not think of all the bad things that happened in your life since your return to Hell's Kitchen.

You: it was, yeah. If we're already on this subject, how are you?

Dex: I'm good, thanks.

And he was, especially when you texted back. His smile, even though a brief one, didn't go unnoticed by Ray. Dex wanted to text something else, keep the conversation going, but his mind was blank, especially when it came to making small talk; although he was now guarded by his phone and safe from any first-hand awkwardness, Dex still didn't know how to deal with the sudden stress. But his self-pitying session got interrupted by your message, so, what are you up to right now? So, you did care after all. Enough to not let this conversation die.

Dex: on a lookout for a bad guy, pretty boring. And you? Hopefully something more exciting.

You: in a bar, drinking my salary away with the bosses. How bad that bad guy is?

Dex: pretty bad in my opinion. Don't drink too much, you won't feel well tomorrow  :)

You lock your phone and notice that Foggy and Karen were already dressed up.

"Look who's off her phone already, you missed all the fun." Foggy says, buttoning his coat up. 

"You're leaving already?" 

"Yeah, Karen's afraid to go home alone and I-"

"I am not!" Karen giggles, steadying herself against the pool table. Matt laughs, leaning on the pool cue and sips his beer. 

"Huh, maybe I should head home as well... Just want a cigarette so bad, haven't had one the whole day." You sigh, and say your goodbyes to Foggy and Karen. The bar is still full, Josie's been running non-stop, and you think to yourself if it's always like this on a Monday night.

"That leaves just two us now, huh?" Matt says, striking the white ball into the red one. 

"Isn't this just so romantic?" You laugh, walking closer to Matt, and whispering in his ear, "those shouting ones really know how to create an atmosphere...Full of sweaty bodies and that stink of cheap beer." 

"I'd say this is perfect." He laughs, handing you the pool cue. 

"No, I don't play." 

"Come on, let me teach you." 

"Really? And how will you do that?" 

"With your help, of course." Matt laughs into your ear, and puts his hands around your shoulders, positioning the cue in your hands. "Now, turn where the white one is." You do that, noticing that there's a green ball right behind the white one. "And now, you strike that ball into another one, like that." He pushes the cue with quick, powerful movement, still holding your hand. 

"It went in!" 

"See, it's easy." He smiles, forgetting that he was gonna ask you who was texting you this late in the evening. You celebrate for a moment, but then grab Matt's hand, asking to go home. And who was Matt to refuse your ideas, when he knew how tired you were?

As you were waiting for a taxi outside, Matt was standing so close to you that you smelled his perfume mixed with all the smells of the bar even through your burning cigarette. 

"Listen, I wanna ask you something, y/n." He begins, shuffling his feet on the sidewalk. "Do you... Would you like to go on a date tomorrow evening?" 

"A date?" You ask again, averting your attention from the passing cars. "Matt, we've been together for like a month."

"I know, and I haven't asked you on a date once, that's on me." His warm hands found yours and squeezed affectionately, "let's go to some nice place, maybe not too expensive," you laugh and it's like music to his ears, "I would choose it myself, but unfortunately," Matt gestures to his glasses, "I'll put on my best suit, and you could put on that silk dress I helped you choose... What do you say?" 

You wanted to kiss him right now and never let him out of your arms, "I have one place in mind... I just hope that it will be as romantic as Josie's." 

He laughs, throwing his head back, "so, that's a yes?"

"Affirmate, Mr Murdock." You kiss him on the cheek, leaving the biggest smile on his face. 

*** 

"Hey, I told you I'm sorry, I tried to reason with my mother to not go to that lawyer!" Paxton's voice rings in the dark alley, four dark figures hovering above him menacingly.

"So you had to tell our names to save your own ass, didn't you?" Joey asks, kicking Paxton's thigh with enough force to earn a loud cry. 

"I was busted either way. She cracked me about the drugs, I can't be in jail for having drugs in my house, please!"

"You're just a pussy, Paxton. I always knew you were the weakest link." Toby says, pulling the hood off his head. "We could've sold that gold for good money and taken more guns from the warehouse, but it's all busted now. And whose fault is that?"

"Guys, please," Paxton shields his head from another kick, "I beg you, stop, I'll take everything back, I promise-"

"I don't take promises from a snitch. We should just kill you right now." Joey says, picking up a brick from the ground, and gets hit by one of Daredevil's billy clubs, which bounces off to knock out Toby. The rest of the gang look around in panic, until they notice a dark figure on one of the rooftops, and another billy club flies through the air and knocks them out as well. 

"Please, please, don't kill me, Daredevil!" Paxton lies back down, keeping his hands in the air. 

The devil of Hell's Kitchen lands on the ground switfly with little effort and picks up his billy clubs, agonizingly slowly stalking towards Paxton. "Call the police, call your lawyer first thing in the morning, leave no details, you understand? Drop the shady business or I won't be so nice the next time we meet." Matt rasps out, in case Paxton has heard him speaking in the office.

"Okay, okay, I'll do it, please don't hurt me anyone." Paxton cries out, holding his bruised side. 

"Make the call right now, Paxton, I won't ask again."

The boy pulls out his phone, screen almost shattered from the kicks and dials the emergency number, fearfully looking at his knocked out friends and Daredevil himself, standing and looking right at him.

Another typical night in Hell's Kitchen.

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Part 30

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 827

Masterlist

It's not hard to find out where your mother is, (Y/n).

You have her boyfriend’s address in your phone's calendar with the note “niet vergeten kerstkaart te sturen”, which I figure out means don’t forget to send a Christmas card. (I know you never did that, by the way. And good on you.)

The hard part is getting to her. At first, I think I'll go when you're sleeping. But there are no busses out of town after nine pm, and there is absolutely no way for me to get back all the way from Utrecht before you get up, which means I have to make an excuse and go during the day. This is a problem, though, because The Netherlands has two Christmas days, which means we first have to spend another two miserable afternoons and evenings with your grandparents.

Why does this country insist on so many days of forced family time? You guys have something like Christmas on the fifth of December, already. You don't need two days of Christmas on top of Christmas eve, (Y/n). You guys don't even exchange gifts! You just sit around all day and eat and argue, and argue even more the more time you're forced to spend together.

Turns out, Dutch people don't particularly like Christmas.

You've dubbed the twenty-seventh our Christmas morning. We already exchanged gifts on Thanksgiving, but it's still a nice thought. However, it means I can't get away until noon, and even then, you're not very happy about it.

“But where are you going?” you ask, frowning, as I put on my jacket.

“I told you: I can't be in The Netherlands and not visit Amsterdam,” I answer. “I know you said it sucks there, but it kind of feels like a crime.”

“Why didn't you tell me you wanted to go? I could've gone with you,” you complain.

Your aunt asked you to meet her for a late lunch in an hour - you told me she most likely wants to complain about your grandmother - which is perfect. It means you won't insist on coming with me.

“We can do things separately, can't we?” I say.

I don't think I said it in any sort of negative tone, but my words still seem to hurt you. Your expression changes and you press your lips into a thin line.

I want to take what I said back right away, but I can't, because for your own sake I really need to go.

“Yeah, I guess,” you say, crossing your arms. “Well, don't go and get high, or something.”

“Of course not,” I say, and kiss your forehead. “I would never.”

“I like the cap, by the way,” you tell me. “Very sporty.”

I smile.

It's hard to extract myself from you, but eventually I leave. Then I get on a bus. Then a train. Then, another train. It's nearly a four hour journey and without you to look at, I hate every second.

It doesn't help that it's so busy today. I'm sitting in a compartment that has a large ‘silence’ sticker on the window, but nobody is being silent. I can't say anything about it, of course, because if I call attention to myself, someone might remember me later.

The ways I suffer for you know no end.

It's a little after four pm when I arrive at Steef's house. I'll have to be quick if I want to be able to make it back. Trains go until pretty late, though, and you think I'm in Amsterdam. If I don't make it back in time for the last bus, maybe you can call me a cab.

I miss New York.

My plan is to wait for your mom to come outside. I don't know if she will, but I get lucky: she does.

I recognize her from a photo you showed me, but she is not like she was when you were a kid. That woman was happy, smiling, slightly chubby with long hair and sparkling eyes.

This woman is thin, thinner than you to a very unhealthy degree. Her hair has been very inexpertly chopped into a pixie cut.

In the states, we would probably refer to her as white trash. She looks like a drug addict. You'll be better off without her.

She's carrying a trash bag, opening the grey bin in the front yard to throw it away. I have to be quick.

“Miss (Y/l/n)?”

“Hmm?”

She turns to me. There is no recognition, even though I know she's seen photos of me. Her eyes are glassy and she doesn't expect me here. Why would she?

“Is Steef home?” I ask.

“No, he is at work.”

She doesn't expect the blow, which means she doesn't have time to scream. And there is nobody outside, either. It's cold, and this is a bad neighborhood. I'm lucky.

“Good,” I say.

And then I drag your mother into the house.

[theboardwalkbody]

Succession 01x05 and 01x06 Roman-Thoughts:

So despite the dominant Roman scene we got at the end of 01x04 we still get a little nugget of the Roman who's not Into It with Grace's "every 6 months" comment.

Absolutely seeing how any time you say anything to Roman that is Absolutely the Truth about himself he doesn't want to hear it and just tells that person to fuck off and walks away. Because God Forbid Roman actually deals with his shit like a mature adult.

---2.5 - I know that coming up(?) is a moment between Roman and Shiv about therapy (because I think everyone goes at one point?) but I really find it hard to believe that Roman and Therapy go well together given his propensity for not talking about anything serious related to his behaviors, especially if those behaviors are "negative" or perceived that way.

Got a little peek into Roman's brain with the "I'm not smart but I'm not dumb" and "I don't have the attention span" and "this is the most important time of my life and I'm thinking about six other things right now" statement. Do we have some ADHD-Roman?

I would have LOVED to see Roman's face in response to Logan hitting Iverson. Obviously I have been spoiled and know that Logan physically abused Roman but from the gif-sets I've seen Roman plays this off as Not A Big Deal and makes excuses for it. So I really would have loved to see how Roman reacted to seeing it happen to his nephew.

Roman absolutely flew into detachment when Grace left. He broke up with her, and they gave each other the cold shoulder the rest of the night (especially Grace's bite at him while saying Thanks), but when she was actually leaving Roman just straight up ignored her. He was physically present in the room but mentally and emotionally he was Not.

I see you Roman-Barely-Eats-Roy. With the picking at his stomach in the earlier episode, declining food when au devours were brought around passing over his plate completely at first during Thanksgiving dinner and only taking food after Grace. Taking small bites. When having dinner with Lawrence he was shown to put a small bite of food in his mouth like, once. During the meeting at the diner about the Vote of Confidence he ordered only a black coffee (which if I remember correctly this is actually the SECOND time on screen he was ordering food / offered food and only ordered/accepted a black coffee).

I know Kieran said that he saw Roman as having some sort of disordered eating but I wasn't sure how much he actually got to work it into the on-screen portrayal or how soon this occurred. So I'm kinda seeing, at the moment, that clearly he worked it in.

ALSO: to some psych diagnosis - I've seen Roman later on makes a "joke" about having borderline personality disorder and I am looking for evidence of it (because maybe I am biased with my own diagnosis) but having seen that I keep looking at him through that lens and I have been perceiving that his dumping Grace was a reaction to seeing her watching the movie. I see it as him feeling betrayed, maybe also embarrassed, and that caused him to split and therefore any love/feelings he had for her turned into hurt and he pushed her away by breaking things off with her. And his ignoring her leaving was absolutely him shutting down to block out any regret he may have been feeling or any further hurt.

And one more thing: As much as Roman talked about voting Logan out I knew the SECOND Logan decided to stay in the room during the vote he was going to buckle. I could also see the nervousness in him when Kendall wasn't there to help act as a buffer/support for him. Roman was absolutely squirming that whole time and when it came to be his time to vote, even though he did make a nervous attempt at sticking with his original vote, when Logan snapped at him he tucked tail. The shame and fear was written all over his face. When his turn came that was no longer an adult sitting in that seat but a child.

[flowery-laser-blasts]

How would the first meeting between Drakken and Shego’s brothers would go?

Good question! First technical meeting was during the episode 'Go team Go' but that was barely anything. Let me try and write down how I think a first meeting would go:

So I suppose after the episode, the next best meeting could be during a family orientated holiday (Thanksgiving or Christmas). It would be very likely that Hego, after finding out where Drakken's Lair is located, would send an invitation for them to visit during the holiday; no hero activities, no villain activities just family stuff + Drakken. Drakken is a sucker for family orientated outings (See the yearly evil family picnic that he organises for his henchmen and the time he celebrated Christmas with first only Ron and then with the Possibles and Shego).

If Drakken gets his hands on the invitation first: Drakken might keep it a secret from Shego and makes her come along with him to GoCity under the guise of "We're going there for evil shopping" or anything and 'coincidentally' bumping into Hego.

If Shego gets get hands on the invitation: Shego will probably burn it and toss it away. However, she won't wait for it to burn out (like the photo strip of her and Kim in 'Stop team Go'). So Drakken might see it and stomp it out, see the address and could potentially read that it's an invite and then do the same as the previous part, go to Go-city.

Alternative: Drakken invites team Go to the lair for a family reunion.

Drakken and Hego would formally introduce themselves to each other and Shego would try and go away but gets stopped by the Wegos who surround her with hugs. Eventually she just gives up and everyone goes to GoTower or Lair.

Drakken + the Go brothers impressions:

Wegos & Drakken: The twins would probably be neutral over Drakken. He looks a tad boring to them compared to the Go villains. They are mischievous though and first pretend to be 1 sibling, making Drakken confused because he thought they were twins, then triplets??? Quintuplets?!? "Oh, just twins with multiplication powers, haha of course--." Drakken would also think they're around the age of Kim's brothers so he got them a pranksters' science kit as present. "How to build an atomic whoopy cushion? Neat!". Drakken is okay in their book.

Mego & Drakken: A looooooooooong silence between them. Mego and Drakken would probably start with having the least common interests, but something they both like to talk about is themselves. One would start talking about some anecdotes connecting to their line of work, then in turns they interrupt each other to tell another 'funny story that I just remembered cause of this story'. The conversation then turns into talking about Shego. Both of them then bond over getting onto Shego's nerves.. until Shego interrupts them "Hahaha, oh that's funny-- hey don't stop talking about me now, you guys seemed to have so much fun!" "Yes, uh, well, we're just--" "Boy! All that socialising sure dried up my throat. I'll get myself a water, would you like some too, Doctor Drakken?" "Why, yes Mego, here let me help you!!" And both of them hurry away into the kitchen before Shego can say anything. They also compliment each other's hairdo but secretly think it looks lame and theirs looks better.

Hego & Drakken: I feel like this is a double edged sword. They both like the Oh Boyz and probably would sing Karaoke during the party (making Shego and Mego cringe in their seats). They could talk about the fastfood industry/horeca in general and maybe Hego likes Snowman Hank as well.

Now the negative aspect. I think at one point during the party, Drakken might ask Hego something along the lines of "So, you are okay with your sister being evil? Running from the law? A super Villain's sidekick?" and Hego laughs it off, replying "Oh, yeah well, I'm not that worried. You see, if she's paired up with the likes of you, it'll be ok." At first Drakken might be flattered but then, "What do you mean, "paired up with the likes of me"?"

Hego explains that he knows that Drakken is no 'real villain'. After first seeing him, he looked up everything about Drakken in a villain database and concluded that Drakken is no real threat, at least not like the true villains that terrorise GoCity (according to him). Shego probably is the safest with Drakken cause she'll never be in real danger because of his shenanigans. Drakken will get fired up because this definetely hurts his ego. He will start getting real angry and tries picking a fight with Hego, telling him he's probably the reason that Shego left for villainy, because he's such a goodie two shoes that controls everyone like they're tools to get him in the best light and adoration of the city. Hego and Drakken will eventually get closer to actual fighting but Shego steps in, scolding both of them hard. "This is exactly why I didn't want to come." Shego grabs Drakken by his collar and heads out.

It's not the most perfect first meeting, but it's a first meeting nonetheless. I hope you liked my take on it!

[iknow-thisisallinmyhead]

Ahhhhhh! It's heeeeerrrrreeeeeee!!

The Holiday Lie | December 19th

Agreeing to be a fake date for your best friend is all fun and games until you have to lie to his sister’s face. - 12k - read on ao3

After an hour-long drive out of Harrisburg, the rental pulls to a stop in front of a big, yellow Colonial house. Snow covers the roof, adding to the illusion that a reindeer drawn sleigh has landed there. Multicolored string lights wrap around the large picture windows, off for the day, and a herd of white light reindeer sprawl across the lawn, snouts tucked down in the snow or raised high to the sky.

The house sits in the middle of the block, looking festively picturesque among similarly decorated homes, with a warm and welcoming glow inviting us in. A dalmatian shaped mailbox denotes it to be 118 Crow’s Nest Point, a fact that always cracks me up. I’ve been friends with Buck long enough to have heard about the Crow Incident of 2016- the story changes almost every time it's told but one thing always remains the same: a never ending war between Chimney and all crows he comes across. 

Buck clears his throat, bringing my attention back inside the car. He’s wearing a dopey grin while staring up at his sister’s house, soft and serene in the midmorning light. “Home, sweet home,” he murmurs happily. 

Chris’s dry reply floats up from the back seat. “I thought you never lived here.” 

“True, I have not! But it's always been more of a home than the house I actually grew up in.” With a shrug Buck opens his door, nearly falling out of the cab in his haste. A frigid gust of air blows in, sending a shiver down my collar. Before following my best friend into the icy Pennsylvania morning, I shore up my mental walls in an attempt to prepare for the coming week.

I think back to Thanksgiving night; the blond sitting dejectedly at my kitchen table, wringing his hands on the surface, an untouched slice of pie pushed off to the side. He looked so sad and frustrated; another failed relationship, another missed opportunity for happiness, another piece of evidence that he would be alone forever. He was a storm cloud, dark and gloomy and ready to crack open and unleash a hurricane of negative emotions aimed at himself. I couldn’t let that happen. Couldn’t let him turn inwards and close off to start the assault. And I couldn’t say no. 

I never can when it comes to him.

Leaning back against the seat, I run a hand over my eyes. Seven days, I just have to get through the next seven days. Chris opens his door. I can hear the grin in his voice as he calls, “Coming, Dad?” 

“Coming,” I mutter, unbuckling and getting out.

Buck’s already halfway up the walk, practically galloping with no regard to the ice and slush. His hand is raised, waving at the figures standing in front of a bright blue door. Jee-Yun leaps off of the porch, throwing herself into Uncle Buck’s arms. He catches her, scooping his niece up and twirling; little girl a blur of pink tulle and rainbow sparkles, candy cane striped tights and purple snow boots kicking out as Buck spins around and around.

Maddie pulls her eyes off of the excited and endearing reunion and smiles at me in greeting, reaching out to wrap me in a hug. It takes a beat too long for me to unstiffen and reciprocate the embrace but she holds me tight, rubbing a soothing hand up and down my back. “I’m so happy you and Chris made it this year!” she says pulling back. Her fingers slide to my shoulder where she squeezes once before letting me go. “I’ve been waiting for years for Buck to tell me you two finally got it together and got together! You’ve always made him so happy, Eddie, and I can never thank you enough for that.” 

The words are a sharp lance of guilt to my gut. Her eyes are so sincere as she looks up that I can’t maintain eye contact, dropping my gaze to my boots and the slick step below me. Agreeing to be a fake date for your best friend is all fun and games until you have to lie to his sister’s face. 

“Yeah.” I chuckle awkwardly and step out of her arms, looking over my shoulder at Buck. He’s flat on his back in the snow, lifting his niece up the while making engine noises. Jee’s cackling wildly, arms spread out like a plane. I can’t fight the smile that lifts my lips up at the sight. Turning back to Maddie, I shrug. “He makes me happy, too,” I admit, glad I don’t have to hide this stupid grin that only Buck can pull out of me. It’s all part of the lie I agreed to tell, right? Even if it's not a forced reaction. 

Maybe this week won’t be so bad. For once, I won’t have to pretend that I’m not in love with my best friend. I just have to pretend that he loves me too. And I’ve thought about what it would be like enough, spent far too many hours daydreaming about, that I can probably do it. I think. Maybe. Can I do it without breaking my heart in the process? That’s the real question. Only time will tell.

“Christopher! Look at you!” Maddie squeals.

“Hi, Maddie,” Chris says with a grin. He’s on the step below me, lifting one poison green crutch up as he waves.

“Come here!” Chris happily wraps his arms around her. He’s always been a big hugger, just like his mom and has no problem eagerly reciprocating her embrace. “You’ve gotten so tall!” 

The teen chuckles. “Are you sure you just aren’t getting shorter?” 

Maddie reels back, mouth hanging open in feigned shock. 

“Rude,” she says, wagging a finger at him.

A peal of laughter announces Jee-Yun’s presence as she runs up onto the porch. “Me too, me too!” she calls, skipping around. She’s holding two very wet Hello Kitty mittens in her very pink hands instead of wearing them. “I got tall too! I grew seven inches!” She jumps up, catching a few inches of air before landing back down with a wobble. “I grew seven inches!”

“Close, Sweet Little,” laughs Maddie. “You grew three inches since your last doctor’s visit.” She holds up three fingers, demonstrating how many inches the girl grew. “Now, let’s get you inside so we can warm those poor little hands up.” She reaches for her daughter, but the girl jerks back, stamping a tiny foot on the porch. 

“No, Mama! I grew seven inches!”

Buck snorts, amused by the five year old’s antics. I’m caught off guard by how close he’s gotten without my notice and end up jump a little. He quickly reaches a hand out to steady me, fingers splaying across my lower back and sending a current of electricity up my spine. Even through the thick coat I’m wearing I swear I can feel how warm his hand is, swear I can feel that warmth as it bleeds into me. He turns up the wattage of his smile, a ray of light breaking the clouds on this overcast day. There’s a tight, warm feeling in my chest and I can’t help it. The stupid grin is back. 

“Careful, it’s just me. I’d hate for you to fall and break your neck.” 

“If I fell you’d save me.” I’m sure of it, Buck wouldn’t think twice. He’s built for saving people, he was just born that way. It’s what makes him such a good firefighter. Those bulky arms would be around me before either of us could process what’s happening, before I’d ever be in any danger. That's just who he is. I may or may not have entertained a daydream or two like it over the years since I’ve acknowledged my crush; Buck catching me in his arms, holding me close, eyes darting down to look at my lips… 

He raises an eyebrow at the comment, self-doubt automatically scrolling across his face. The smile falls from his lips, hiding the sun back behind dark clouds. “You would! You’d never let me leave Christopher without a father.” I say dramatically, trying to bring it back, needing it back. But the words aren’t quite true. If I died Chris would still have a-

“You two lovebirds gonna come in or what? I’m not paying to heat the outside, you know?” 

Startling, we rip our gazes away from each other. A blush burns across my face and I have to look away from Maddie too, away from the knowing, amused expression on her face. She’s standing on the threshold with her hands resting on the door jam, pointedly looking around the empty porch. When did Chris go inside? Surely Jee-Yun hadn’t gone quietly. I didn’t even notice as they left us alone. One smile from the taller man and I’m a goner, floating through space with a tether connecting me to Buck and Buck alone, like no one else exists. I sigh internally. 

I’m getting too old for this kind of shit. 

Grinning, Buck pushes past his sister, stepping over the threshold and into the house. So I do what I always do, what I’ve done since we first met; I follow. It’s warm inside, too warm, and I immediately pull off my coat. The Buckely siblings disappear down the hall, but Chimney pops up out of nowhere with a hand outstretched so I pass over the tan, weather proofed material.  He pulls open a closet already over stuffed with colorful winter garb and shoves it in, glancing sheepishly back at me as the coat crumples into a black hole. Sardonically, I wonder if it'll ever be seen again. He slams the door shut, leaning against it like it'll bounce open again if left to its own devices.

“Eddie,” he says nonchalantly. 

“Chimney.” I nod. Overhead, there’s a squeal of delight followed by pounding feet running down the hall. My guess is Jee-Yun has already dragged her uncle up to her room.

“So, how’d you manage to get roped into this?” The shorter man asks with a knowing look in his dark, beady eyes. 

Wait, what? My stomach swoops like it does when you miss a step going downstairs. I didn't even know that could happen when you're standing still. Chimney crosses his arms, waiting for an answer but I’m stunned speechless. He can’t already have figured out that we’re lying, can he? 

“You were better off keeping it a secret, you know.” Shaking his head, he clicks his tongue in disappointment and I can breathe again. “We’re not the kind of family that gives you privacy.” He steps closer. “There’s no privacy, Diaz, you will spill all of your secrets to us.” Lowering his voice to a whisper, he adds. “All of them.”

Knowing it’s a lie, I say, “Oh, I don’t really have any secrets.” Buck’s smile flashes in the back of my mind, big, and full of teeth, and just for me but I wave it off. 

Before I’m able to push him away, Chimney’s got a hand fisted in the collar of my flannel. He drags me closer, pushing up onto his toes to level the distance and stare unblinking into my eyes. I’m starting to think he’s drunk, but it’s not even noon yet. He certainly smells like beer. 

“We all have secrets, Diaz.” 

“Howie, get off of him. I cannot believe you’re tipsy at eleven o’clock on a Monday morning.” Maddie comes to my rescue, pulling her partner off of me with an exasperated sigh. 

I adjust my blue and gray plaid shirt, smoothing out the collar. “Tipsy?”

“Mads, you know we have to pick the holiday special brew before we open today! I think I picked my favorite three: The Sam Adams one is okay but really I don’t think it’s what people want to buy for half off the week before Christmas. I really think we’re better off going with Highland Brewing or, oh, the Nutcracker Ale! That one was top notch!”

“Howie, honey, whatever you want! Just don’t break my new brother-in-law!” The title burns my ears as another lance of guilt pierces my belly. She pinches his cheek before shoving him unceremoniously through the doorway to the dining room. There's a cackle as Chimney very loudly trips and falls, moaning and groaning the whole way down. Sighing, Maddie shakes her head fondly. “I don’t know why I ever think pairing Howie and Hen together is a good idea.” She smiles at me and I feel guilty again. I’m not even doing anything right now and I feel guilty. “Jee kidnapped Uncle Buck and brought him upstairs, and Christopher and Albert are putting on Home Alone in the living room. The Lees should be here within the hour and we're planning on having lunch at the pub. Do you know when you have to check in at the Snowflake?” 

“Check in is at noon. Worst case scenario we can meet you at the pub after.”

“Okay, perfect, you can leave Chris here, if you want, and we’ll bring him over.” I nod at the suggestion. “Now, I’m going to tell you this because Howie is currently unreliable and Buck’s gonna be distracted for a while: I have to drop cupcakes off for the school’s Holiday Bake Sale. I will be gone for a half hour, forty-five minutes tops. And if you really want to prove that you deserve my brother you can get Howie to drink some coffee and sober up some before his parents get here.” She steps forward, coming up to press a kiss into my cheek. Before I can respond, she turns around and picks up a tupperware container filled with sparkly red and silver cupcakes, her keys, and a to-go tumbler of coffee. Then she’s gone; shouting a goodbye to her partner as the door swings shut behind her. 

All alone, my fingers reach up to press against a tingling cheek. This lie is going to be the death of me. 

With nothing better to do, I glance around the entryway. There's a mirror hanging across from me with festive silver tinsel wrapped around its edges. Surrounding the frame are dozens of snapshots taped to the wall: candid family photos, old pictures of Chimney and the Lees and of Maddie and Buck, and various group shots throughout the years. My heart beats uncomfortably when I find my own face staring back at me. 

The first- and oldest- photo is from the first Christmas with Buck. Chris is holding his new game console, a huge grin plastered across his face, while Buck and I are positioned on the couch behind him. It's a familiar picture; one that Tia Peppa took, one that hangs on my fridge at home, one that I have spent far too long staring at since I connected the dots on all these inconvenient feelings- how it ended up on a wall in Pennsylvania I don't know.

Next is one from the grand opening of Kevin’s- the pub Maddie and Chimney launched a few years ago. I don't even remember the moment I'm looking at; Buck and I are sitting at the shiny new bartop, grinning at each other over the beer bottles that we’re toasting. Chimney's in the background, arm curled like he's about to whip his bar rag at us. 

The last one is also from the pub opening, a group shot this time. Everyone important to the publicans are there: Hen and her wife, Karen, who own the nearest café, Bobby and Athena from the Christmas tree farm out on the edge of town, Anne and John Lee, the couple who raised Chimney to name a few I recognize. And then there's me and Buck. Taking in the way my face is forever immortalized on their wall, I can't help but sigh disparagingly.

We’re all grouped in front of the pub, a sash of cherry red satin taped across the doors. The owners are holding a pair of comically large scissors about to cut the ribbon and we’re all crowded around them to be in frame. Buck and I are standing at the back, mostly cut out of the shot given the size of the group. Everyone’s looking at the camera, or at the giant scissors- even Buck is, eyes trained up front towards his sister. But I'm staring right at him, seemingly unaware of anything going on around us. 

I remember how anxious I had been that day, surprised Maddie and Chimney wanted me in the photos, but worried Buck would think it was too much, too clingy, too awkward. Who was I to infiltrate his family unit? Our friendship was only a couple years old at the time and my feelings were just reaching a boiling point I couldn’t keep ignoring. I can see them all plain as day, frozen in time in the way only photos can capture. It's there in the way my whole body seems to curve towards him, the way my head tilts back so I can see him, the way my eyes are shining like they're filled with stars. 

It’s fucking embarrassing. I’m honestly amazed that no one’s ever picked up on it. 

“Diaz!” 

Jumping, I turn just as Hen steps out of the dining room, looking intimidating in a black tracksuit and her signature flashy glasses. She’s always seemed way too cool for a small town like Fire Station, but somehow manages to fit right in. Thankfully, she doesn’t try to hug me, just grins over the lip of a winter themed beer bottle. “Karen and I are so happy to hear you finally pulled your head out your ass and told Buckaroo how you feel! It was so obvious from the way you trailed after him like a lost puppy dog. Not that he was any better.” She pats my shoulder gently and then points up to the same photo I was just looking at. “So obvious.” Shaking her head she snorts, heading off down the hall and muttering about the bathroom. Listening to her walk away, I catch a glimpse of my face in the mirror across from me. Crimson blooms across my cheeks, splotchy and bright.

I sigh. Once upon a time, I bottled my emotions so much that no one could get a read on them. I’m pretty sure the only reason that changed is over six feet tall with curly blond hair and a set of frosty cerulean eyes that make me weak in the knees.

“Edmuuuundoooo!” 

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. The faint call echoes down through the ceiling followed by another loud thump. Sighing, I set off in search of my best friend and his nightmare of a niece. Not that I'd ever call her that within earshot of Buck. He'd never forgive me.

Heading into the living room, I find Albert and Chris set up on the sectional, a bowl of popcorn between them as Catherine O'Hara drags Macauley Caulkin past his siblings and cousins to deposit him on the third floor. Albert looks up, helpfully pointing over to the stairs where the sounds of giggling and thumping, louder than before, are emanating from. 

True to Maddie’s nature, it looks like a holiday bomb exploded in the house, covering the room in festive shrapnel; ribbons and tinsel and tiny villagers galore. Garland and lights twirl through the hand railing and balusters leading to the second floor and wrap around the mantle. Red bows and embroidered stockings dangle above the fireplace, currently cold, and more than one Elf on the Shelf can be spotted perched throughout the room. There’s something off about it all but it doesn't come to me until I'm heading up the steps. There’s no Christmas tree. A week before the holiday and they’ve yet to put one up. Weird, considering the Yuletide vomit covering every surface. 

On the landing, I come face to face with a large, framed photo of a much younger set of Buckley siblings. Buck's no more than sixteen, tall and skinny and gangly with an arm slung proudly around his sister. Maddie’s beaming in a horribly orange graduation gown, clutching a diploma in one hand and a massive bouquet in the other. He looks so young, so innocent and sweet. I wish I'd known him back then, wish I’d been there when all he had in the world was a sister. I wonder how many things would be different and how many things would still be the same. Wonder if more time together would make it easier to give in, to confess, to show him how much I-

“Edmundo saaaaave me!” Buck's call pulls me from my head. A delighted peal of laughter follows it a second later, full of joy and wonder. Trailing after the racket, I find more family photos and pots of poinsettia, fairy lights and holiday cards, and a small fake Christmas tree with a second, smaller village underneath it. Why would there be a tree up here but not one downstairs? They have a fireplace and a five year old, the tree should be by Santa’s preferred entrance, shouldn’t it? 

There’s a door cracked open at the end of the hall, a riot of color within but still it's Buck's blond curls that catch my eye first. He’s face down on a cotton candy pink shag carpet while Jee-Yun balances on his back, pigtails bouncing. Her purple boots are long gone, ditched somewhere in the chaos and her red and white striped feet are walking up and down his spine. Toys are scattered all over the place; falling from the overflowing bins under the windows, spilling from underneath the bed, and dangling haphazardly from the net strung up in the corner of the ceiling. The closet doors are thrown wide and a rainbow is escaping in the form of dresses and tutus, tights and shoes, and even more toys.

It’s an absolute disaster and I hope it was like this before Buck came up. It’s been, like, five minutes, is it even possible to make this much mess in that short amount of time? Considering what I know of the little girl and her frenzied energy, yes, it is possible. 

Jee-Yun loses her balance, tiny feet sliding off Buck’s back until she’s got them on the carpet on either side of his ribs, hands pinwheeling until she’s sure she’s not gonna fall any further. She straightens up and lets out a demonic giggle. “Again, again, again,” she squeals, jumping back onto her uncle. He lets out a groan and I can tell from the way his body jerks that it doesn’t feel good to have forty pounds come crashing down on your spine like that. Jee wiggles around, earning a loud crack from underneath her feet. 

Buck finally sees me standing in the doorway. “Edmundo, save me!” He lets out a couple of fake coughs, reaching a hand towards me but pausing halfway through the gesture and letting it drop to the carpet. With a final cough, he goes boneless, melting into the carpet.  

Jee-Yun’s own brown eyes light up as she clocks me. “Uncle Eddie!” She starts clapping, jumping up and down, up and down on Buck’s back. The blond grimaces, air rushing out of his mouth with every bounce. 

“Okay, Jee-Yun.” I step forward, reaching out to pick her up and salvage my friend’s back. She must have other plans, though, as she bends her knees and catapults herself off Buck and into my arms. Giggling, she wraps her legs around my waist and rests her head on my shoulder, squeezing as tight as her five year old’s arms will allow. 

“Merry Christmas, Uncle Eddie.” 

“Merry Christmas, Jee,” I murmur, squeezing back. 

She gives me one minute of stillness, one minute as she hugs me and whispers she's happy I'm here, before wiggling her way to freedom. As always, my heart constricts at how easily she thinks of me as part of her family. From the moment she was born Maddie started calling me Uncle Eddie, despite my insistence it wasn't necessary. Any type of protest was met with a scoff or an eye roll until I gave in and accepted the title. 

“You’re Buck’s best friend right? You’re not going anywhere. She’s gotta call you something so Uncle Eddie it is.” Her tone brokered no argument. To this day, I will deny that it made me choke up more than I ever did with my sisters' kids.

When Jee-Yun’s back on her feet she darts out of the room and disappears down the hall, leaving a trail of sparkles and laughter as she goes. Two minutes with her and I’m already exhausted. I look down at Buck, still lying on the plush carpet. He rolled over at some point and is propping his head up with a hand as he gazes up at me. He looks dumbstruck, all wide eyes and parted lips. 

I arch an eyebrow. “What?” 

Is it my imagination or does Buck blush at the question? There’s a few splotchy raspberry patches cropping up along the apples of his cheeks. He quickly looks away, though, clearing his throat and getting to his feet. 

“Nothing, just uh-” he starts before clearing his throat again. “Just, uh, thanks for doing this, again. Getting teased every year about always being single is so depressing! I know this is awkward and I-I’m so sorry that I involved you in a lie like this, I just- I just-”

“Hey,” I interrupt, not wanting him to spiral already. We just got here. “I got your back, Buck. Always.” I clap a hand on his shoulder, heart somersaulting through something viscous as I gaze up into the expansive blue of his eyes. There’s only two inches difference, why does he always seem so much taller? “No matter how awkward and weird and inappropriate the request is, remember? We made a deal five years ago and I intend to keep it.” 

Buck reaches up, scratching at the back of his neck and looking away again. Why does he always look away? I never can, not really. His face is slowly getting more and more color; a pretty pink that matches his birthmark. No doubt caused by the unbearably high thermostat setting.

“Five years ago fake dating was not on the table.” 

“No, but honestly? Not the weirdest situation we’ve gotten ourselves into.” I grin, wishing he would meet my gaze. It feels like I spend half my life wishing Buck would look at me, this shouldn’t be any different. But there’s a sinking feeling in my gut that’s telling me this week is going to make everything about us, about our friendship, about Buck-and-Eddie different. 

Just not in the way I’ve spent years hoping for.

There’s a thump in the hall, distracting me from the anxiety crawling along my spine. Someone much bigger than Jee-Yun is making their way down to us. Buck’s eyes are still looking everywhere but me, hand running up and down the back of his neck and head. He looks guilty and sad and it feels like my fault, why does it feel like my fault? I let my lips fall, erasing the smile and stepping back. “Come on,” I say, holding out my hand. “Maybe we can snag some of Chimney’s winter ales before we go check in?” 

Finally, he looks back at me with a smile lifting up the corners of his mouth; small enough that I’m still worried but big enough that I can feel my heart do another somersault. He reaches out to grab my hand and I know it’s just for show, I know it’s just to keep up the ruse, I know that it means nothing, not to him, but it still sends a sharp electrical current up my arm.  

One of these days, Evan Buckley will be the death of me.

We bump into Albert in the hall, wearing what looks like a full cup of coffee down his front. “She’s absolutely insane,” he tells us, shaking his head as he steps into his room. 

There is a crash and a squeal from the floor below and Buck and I turn to each other, eyes wide. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had to wrangle a kindergartener,” I whisper. 

He jostles our hands between us. “We got this.” 

[terresdebrume]

Fic writer interview

Merci pour le tag, @almost-a-class-act ! :D

How many works do you have on AO3?

372 :D

Most are fics, but I do have a little under 30 fic covers hanging around there 😊

What's your total AO3 word count?

988 968 words! My goal this year is to crack the million xD

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Fun fact, this top has not changed in years and my more recent writing habits mean it's unlikely to ever change at this point xD

S.O.S. Ecrits Avec De L’Air (aka SEADLA) an unfinished Tony Stark/Loki fic in which everything starts because Loki stops Tony from commiting suicide.

 We Shall Have Peace, a fic in which Steve Rogers comes out of an 80+ years long captivity to discover Loki turned the earth into a utopia.

Dots: 2-4, 1-2-3, 1-3-6. A fic in which Tony Stark is a university student, and Loki is his blind teacher, and they fall in love.

Wooer Wooed. A fic in which Tony Stark tries to teach Loki how to woo someone and ends up surprised by the results.

Corny Lines For Thanksgiving A fic in which Tony Stark sees Loki iand Thor interact from his office window and mistakes them for a couple.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I like showing my appreciation and it feels more polite :D

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Say it three times and it will be done, in which Loki sends Tony Stark a very sad letter to tell him he's giving up on him and their not-relationship.

What the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Oh shit, I've written so many of these xD But I guess I'll go with a top 3:

Clark Kent, of Krypton because it's one of the ones where the protagonist's situation changes the most drastically.

Once more, with kissing because the protag ends in what would probably be my dream configuration for any kind of romantic relationship.

All on my own because it's probably one of the more hopeful endings I have.

Honorable mention to A summer evening in Philly. for being the most recent :P

Do you write crossovers?

Rarely. I did write a Battlestar Galactica x The Walking Dead crossover once for a friend, but that's about it. When I mix fandom, I gravitate more towards fusions :P

The fic is called Killing zombies (and other fun activities), if you're curious.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I think I got maybe...three angry comments on AO3 so far? One was pissed because the protag hated his stepmother, another was angry that I'd posted negative meta on a ship, and iirc the last one accused me of making a character stupid because they didn't understand a word as a little kid who was communicating in a language that wasn't his first language.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I try my hand at it on occasion x) It's probably not the greatest but so far no one told me it sucked so we'll see how it goes in the future xD

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

If I rememeber correctly there were projects of translation into Chinese and Russian for some of my fics, but I can't recall if they were completed or not xD

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. I toyed at the idea but it fizzled out, mostly because of me.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

I honestly have never thought of it that way tbh xD

But my two oldest ships are Taichi/Yamato from Digimon Adventure and Hyoga/Shun from Saint Seiya. I've liked those since I was a kid. As in, I first discovered Hyoga/Shun when I was under 10 so.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I'm not going to answer that one, I don't want to jinx it xD

What are your writing strengths?

I think I'm good at dialogue and worldbuilding.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I struggle a little more with description, and also The Doing Of The Sex. Also I sometimes worry that I do the writing equivalent of same-facing my characters, but I guess it might also be because I have A Type.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

More often than not, saying "[x] said in German" or "[x] switched to Italian" is more than enough. It's clear, concise and avoids the two main risks of foreign dialogues: losing the readers who don't understand the target language and (if you're not fluent yourself) making a grammar mistake that takes readers who are more fluent than you out of the story. (Example: I've recently stumbled across a Band of Brothers fic where Liebgott used Sie to address Webster. Sie is a formal form of address, which I guarantee Lieb wouldn't use for his fellow soldiers, especially not Web, and so seeing it made be tick hard even if I didn't spontaneously understand the rest of the sentence.)

That being said! All rules are made to be broken, and I've written a fic that was intentionally in 3 different languages and another where a significant chunk of the dialogue is just em dashes with footnotes. In the first case, I used the script format and the language juxtaposition to mimick the sort of humor you'd get from a more fast-pace, visual medium like a movie or show (and also because I enjoyed the idea of a fic that was a bit of an in-joke with readers who mostly understood all three languages).

In the second case, I used the em-dashes (intersped with the few words the POV character understands) to force the reader into the protagonist' shoes, because the whole plot revolves around her distress and frustration about being unable to understand the language her family speak.

So, you know. Do what you want x)

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

It was a very, very intense plagiaristic fic for Lord of the Rings but with Harry Potter style wizards. I don't think it was very good, but I rememeber having fun with it.

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

For a long time, that fandom was Digimon Adventure but I've done it now so... non, for now, I think x)

What's your favorite fic you've written?

... I'm gonna cheat and link you to my AO3 porfolio for my top 11 :P

Tagging : @takingoffmyshoes, @kyttwrites, @nemainofthewater, @ghostinthelibrarywrites, @liesmyth and @talysalankil :)

[metaltea]

Ngl I feel kinda somber now that it's Officially November...

(just sad thoughts)

All I have to look forward to is Thanksgiving and Christmas, both of which are family-themed holidays if that makes sense and it just makes me remember I'm now not in contact with my sibling. I may not even be staying with my parents by christmas, I may be back in my old apartment all alone or at a new one, still alone.

It wouldn't have mattered even if my sibling was still staying there, they were going to go on a vacation to Europe through christmas this year so I would've been alone anyways.

And like... due to climate change n all, September and October here were basically still summer. It's only now starting to feel consistently cold. I only have November, December, January and maybe February to look forward to before it starts warming up again and with it my anxiety, which I've only just now gotten under control.

It feels like I'm having shorter and shorter timeframes during the year (cool or cold months) where I'm not having horrific anxiety and ya know feel ok with the whole being alive thing. If I have to wait for just a small fraction of the year to not feel like dying, then like what's the point in living?? It becomes a quality of life problem at that point.

If you spend so much of your time just surviving, it's not really living, now is it?

It's just impending doom hanging over me, nothing new there. Now that my sibling is close to moving I have to worry about where I'll live by the end of the month, about financial aid and getting back into school (online if possible), getting a part time job for the first time, living alone for the first time, if I can get back on ebt... so many fucking things. Which ofc doesn't help with the suicidal thoughts. And ofc my mom had to bring up how all the war with palestine is seeming like The End Times according to the bible and my existential anxiety did not like that.

If god's real (the one my parents believe in anyway) I am of course going to hell. If god's real they're evil, or at least apathetic to the world's suffering, so I have to contend with both a god that hates me and a devil that loves making people suffer. I keep telling myself it's not real but ya know religious trauma and all that shit... Like I want to just turn off my emotions and remind myself if it is real Ok I guess I'll Die and Burn in Hell tm but at the same time it's like why not just make it quicker while I'm having and have so many guns around me.

Don't worry tho this year was the worst my depression or anxiety's ever been and I didn't attempt suicide even during the worst of panic attacks (tho it was tempting, and I couldn't exactly move enough to reach for anything dangerous) so at this point future me prolly won't. And hopefully I can continue speaking to the therapist I'm seeing even when I move.

I just fucking wish my parents would stop reminding me that half this country doesn't believe in climate change and thinks Israel is the victim in the war going on and all this other shit like can you BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE PLS. But no I'm just a stupid young person I guess, what do I know, what's my word compared to THE BIBLE or facebook or where ever she gets her info...

And ofc my therapist brought up a good point, aside from my parents and sister I genuinely have nobody irl I can turn to when things go sideways. I don't know if I ever will. When I say I have a resting murder face and an aura that makes people stay away from me I'm not joking and she rlly thinks it's all just a negative view of myself, but it's true. People are scared of me I think, always have been, it's just the vibe I give off.

So I will continue my life without friends and without people who will believe me when I talk about stuff like climate change and that is that. That's not to say I don't cherish online friendships, but I mean just like people I can depend on to really be there, to take me in if I genuinely can't take care of myself, bc it got like that for months and I couldn't so much as wash my own dishes or myself and I don't want to be alone when it happens again, and I know it fucking will.

But yea, I figured i should write this all down while it's fresh on my mind so I can reference it before my next appointment in two weeks...

[wanderinglotus7]

#BodyAcceptance

I haven't thought about weight loss until recently. Since I had my surgery, I've been unintentionally losing weight. I'm not complaining, but I don't want to be careless and turn around to gaining the weight back. The week before surgery I weighed 191lbs. On 9/20 I weighed 184lbs. So I lost 7lbs at this rate I can loose even more weight before Thanksgiving. My next goal is to loose 9lbs, so I'll be 175lbs by the end of 2024.

Reflecting on my overall weight loss journey, I believe I've been on the right track. I was at my highest weighing 195lbs in November 2022. At that time I was unaware that I had problems with my cortisol levels. I thought my rapid weight gain stemmed from PCOS because rapid weight gain is a symptom which is also a symptom of Cushing's disease which is related to cortisol and I was diagnosed with Cushing's June 7, 2024. I knew there had to be something else going on with me than eating poorly and being less active.

From 2022 to 2024 I lost a total of 11lbs which isn't bad because Dr. Tsai wants me to loose at least a total of between 12lbs-15lbs. The 12lbs-15lbs was a year goal set by Dr. Tsai (PCP). So, if I stick with my goal of being 175lbs by the end of the year, I will reach this goal. I would've loss 20lbs in 2 years. I know other doctors would say I need to loose more weight. However, they don't have to live in my body.

My goal is to be between 155lbs-150lbs. I'm comfortable with being that size considering my family's genetics and my history with Bulimia. Walking on this daunting journey, I could've relapsed and fell into my old disordered eating habits. I'm proud of myself for not relapsing. Maybe this is another reason why I attended Boston College. During my first year at BC all classes were virtual because of COVID-19.

I think on a random day, I was browsing through the college's various clubs and activities. Then I found The Body Project which helped me to recovery from Bulimia. The Body Project is a group-based intervention program for girls & women to confront unrealistic beauty ideals and develop healthy body through verbal, written, and behavioral exercises. From the 4th grade to my college years, I've struggled with my body image and self-esteem. Going through early puberty didn't help either. My weight became a BIG concern for me because I badly wanted to attend FAT CAMP (I was in elementary school). Ridiculous right!

Like a wine tasting, I dabbled in a little bit of everything until I decided that Bulimia was my niche. From middle to high school I downplayed my eating disorder and kept it moving. I was tired of doctors telling me and my mom that I was overweight and needed to loose weight. They didn't understand, I was a highly active individual playing multiple sports and spending most of my time outdoors. My mother provided me and my brother the best healthy foods as possible as well as allowing us to eat "kid" food (i.e. hot pockets, lunchables, Captain Crunch, etc.). Of course, these comments came from White medical doctors.

And this is were the disconnect comes to play: Race & Culture. Race is one reason why I couldn't talk about my body image and ED with my 2021-2022 therapist (she is a slim Yt woman). I felt like I could never win because I didn't have the 'ideal" body that is accepted in mainstream [Yt] society and I felt like I didn't have the "ideal" body that is accepted in Black America. The rise of social media increased my insecurities especially when I went off to college. Social media really popped off for me when I attended Bridgewater College.

Instagram was my App. I thought I found inspiration and empowerment. Instead I found myself in a constant state of comparison. I didn't realize IG was negatively impacting my mental health. The height for being slim thick was between 2015-2018 for me. I tried to model myself after Kylie Jenner, Jordyn Woods and a few IG models aka IG Baddies. I embodied the Baddie aesthetic outside of my student-athlete persona. Trying to look like Kylie Jenner was dumb; hello, she ain't BLACK and she had cosmetic procedures done to obtain her look.

I dressed like a Baddie to an extent. I wore high-waisted bottoms, crop tops & cropped hoodies, skinny jeans, leggings, bralettes with flannels or jean vests, regular hoodies, sneakers, wedges, and combat boots. I rocked my box braids and afro. At 27, I'm slowly going back to that style because I'm taking over my personal life. Still keeping it cool and casual. In the depths of my ED, images of slim thick plagued me. I hated my body because I couldn't look like the Nicki Minajs of the WORLD.

Then something clicked! I had to do the inner work to learn how to accept, appreciate, and love myself. I was already receiving individual counseling, next was deleting the bad/unhealthy influences on my IG. Good-bye Kylie Jenner!! You won't be missed. Sometime in 2018, I began my journey towards self-love. I was also riding a high from the news of me going to Thailand in 2019. Thank you Stacey for introducing Lizzo to me. Lizzo helped me learn about Body Positivity & Body Neutrality. Fast forward to the Body Project.

A group approach was best for me addressing and healing from my Bulimia. The Body Project provided me with space to be open with my body image issues and I didn't feel like an oddball. I was different from the others but the group was diverse. When I looked at my screen I didn't see digital space filled with slim nor Yt young women. It's been 2.5 years since I had my last binge and purge episode. Though I'm in recovery, I'm still working on myself every day. I LOVE ME!!!!