#tumblr will forever be my real home i think and it HURTS to rebuild somewhere else but twitter is truly so garbage now

[siins]

i made one of these a while ago and it seems like it's finally seeing some action, so if you wanna follow me there too.. i'd rly appreciate it :^D

[aikainkauna]

Sorry I haven’t been giffing/posting/reglobbing much lately, guys. It’s that behemoth of a fic swallowing up all my sitting-upright time (and a big chunk of my reclining time). Four chapters or so to go and I’m still spending about 7-11 hours every day combing the remaining text for typos (yes, some of us actually do care about our fics and don’t think it’s some dirty “trashy,” “guilty pleasure” of less value), so it’s a full-time job with overtime. So if I’m slow to respond to anything, it’s that. I’m sure that soon enough, the post-fic existential emptiness will be upon us and you’ll be seeing more gifs and tag yelling.

Although it’s just been so quiet among the nice people here and so loud among the idiots that I might just take several steps back from Tumblr in general, just for my mental health. There seems little point in making gifs nobody reblogs and saying anything when it’s drowned out by the types who give liberals a bad name (honestly, some of the shit people say on here would already have made me a Nazi were I a bloke, because apparently nothing is ever enough and I’ll always be Doing it Wrong anyway; you’re not making tolerance seem worthwhile, if you nevertheless beat the tolerant person up for wearing the wrong types of socks).

I’m still looking for that fandom old people’s home, so if you find it, that place where people are old enough to have some fucking perspective, do let me know.

This whole place is eerily reminiscent of an abusive relationship where you’re constantly having to tiptoe because you never know when the next explosion is going to come and where from, what sort of utterly random thing someone is going to call abusive now and beat you up for, even if you’ve been working hard not to upset them, have made deliberate choices to accommodate them because you know their wounds. It’s like Borderline Personality Disorder, but in the form of a website. (And yes, I know first-hand what BPD is like. Had the spouse, had the flatmate, had the fuckbuddies, had the friends.) And the worst thing about BPD is that it’s catching: being around a human minefield makes everyone jumpy, and then *their* jumpiness becomes tyrannical towards others (when the hurt person is just self-defending, they feel) and then the cycle continues. Everybody is paranoid and beating everybody up in the name of great justice, and undermining everyone else’s psyches to the point where they become human minefields themselves. And they don’t know how to stop that cycle, if they’re in denial about having a problem, because of course, if you hurt and lash out, you’re just defending yourself. (Being told you’re a shitty person for freaking out at a trigger is worse than being triggered. Good luck trying to crawl out of that into any semblance of health, if you feel you’re just an explosive piece of crap forever.)

And while I know I can help a bit by stepping outside of that and offering fic and pics and lols where people can forget about it all, I’m still in two minds about offering it in a direction where the recipient is never going to be happy anyway, and where the effort is (or seems) wasted as long as the receiving end isn’t doing any conscious healing/rebuilding itself to better appreciate healthier things. It does nothing. Why am I buying medicine for someone who abuses me for it and throws the bottle in my face? I’ve been there, trying to please people who were locked up in their traumas and paranoias, throwing all my love and effort and work at them to no avail because I thought I could help; I’m not keen on doing it again. Because now I’m old enough to know I’m wasting my time, as brutal and as “selfish” that sounds (how about calling it “self-preservation?” “Sanity?” “Kindness to oneself?” I know women are beaten out of daring to have that, for daring to even think their lives aren’t meant to be lived for other people, but fucking watch me go).

Just like partners and friends aren’t the same as professional help, fandom isn’t the ultimate cure for depression/trauma unless there’s an inner change in the ill person to better utilise it. I was that ill person and I had to go through a lot of therapy and growth to not become a 24/7 abusive bitch myself (I still have shitty hypersensitivities, but those are in-built–they’re bad enough). I changed the way I see fannish activities (I now really do see them as medicine), and only then could I enjoy them to the fullest and only then could I start writing really good fic, because it comes from a firm ground of faith in the inherent value of fic. It’s a really complicated thing to explain, the interrelationships of fandom, queer people and mental health (there should be a book on fandom/queerdom and mentalness–we are wonky in the head, sometimes fucking awfully so, and it’s *not* all due to persecution but genes).

But my gist is that there’s no point in endlessly remaining in a draining relationship with someone who doesn’t want to heal–Tumblr’s anxiety-mongering culture of self-hate, ahoy! One has to pick one’s “battles” and channel one’s energy somewhere where it’s actually going to bear fruit. Not on a site that says the phrase “I don’t discriminate by colour” is racist, or that a feminist, mixed-race royal princess “isn’t enough” or that a given sexual minority gets to rule it over everyone else. Not on a site full of kids who are too young/American to have known *real* homophobia and racism, and who don’t realise that for most people, in the real world, even not being racist or homophobic is a *choice.*

Which is why I miss that supportive community of other brainy, feminist and reasonable fans who actually had conversations so. Fucking. Much. Where are they? (DW is where the militant vegan lesbian sociopath SJWs went, and if you’re not keen on eternal frowny moral meta, ehhh.)

Where’s the actual fun? Where are the other fans who are old enough to have been through therapy and who have experienced real relationships and have known actual real “minority” people IRL, and who consequently have an open mind about things? Who can see that things really aren’t as black and white as they thought they were when they were in their teens? Where are the fans who know something about psychology and psychiatry? The ones who know how gendered socialisation works and just how deep it goes, and who aren’t fans of Tumblr essentialism and its blindness to gender-based toxins? The fans who actually understand and respect the intelligence of other fans, instead of kneejerk assumptions of ignorance and moral corruption? The fans who legit don’t think a Gen X writer who forgot to use–or simply didn’t know about the existence of–a new politically correct term, is as evil as Hitler (because ignorance=/=active, intentional oppression, Jesus!)? The fans who respect the labor that goes into fanfic and fanart and always leave comments or otherwise support fan creators, instead of thinking of writers as vending machines for something “dirty” they feel ashamed for reading?

Because I’m that kind of ���old” fan and I’ll be there for you if you’re there for me.

I just need to know where the fuck you are!

[diableriepervert]

1-99

I didn't know if you meant 1 and 99 or 1 through 99 so I just did 1 through 991: 6 of the songs i listen to most are Drugs - Eden, Season 2 Episode 3 - Glass Animals, like real people do - hoizer, I know those eyes/This man is dead - count of monte christo, obsessed with you - the orion experience, strangers - halsey2: If I could meet anyone on this earth, it would be Keanu Reeves3. The book closest to me on page 23 line 17 says "that is really cute and not at all surprising"1: 6 of the songs i listen to most are Drugs - Eden, Toes - Glass Animals, like real people do - hoizer, I know those eyes/This man is dead - count of monte christo, obsessed with you - the orion experience, strangers - halsey2: If I could meet anyone on this earth, it would be Keanu Reeves3. The book closest to me on page 23 line 17 says "that is really cute and not at all surprising"4. The thing I think about most is what my life will be like when I live all alone and nobody remembers me5: My latest text message from someone else says "beef" and that's all6: I sleep in just my underwear and bralette 7: my strangest (best) talent is that where ever I go there's always a dog somewhere and I always spot it8: Girls… are amazing; Boys… are also amazing I just like girls a wee bit better because I'm biased and gay9: I've never had a poem or song written about me but I would die of happiness of someone did but that's unlikely so (shrug emoji)10: The last time you played the air guitar was two or three weeks ago11: I don't have any strange phobias12: Ive never stuck a foreign object up my nose13: I'm agnostic 14. If I were outside i would be (depending on the time of day) stargazing, watching the sun rise/set15. I prefer to be being the camera16. I don't have a favorite band, just a jumble of playlists that in no way relate to each other17. The last lie I told was telling someone that I would cut ties with certain toxic people in my life 18. I sorta believe in karma19. My url just sounded cool to me, if you want you can make up a background story about it for me20. Greatest weakness - wanting to help so many people no matter what they've done, greatest strength - not getting heated in arguments 21. Celebrity crush is Mike Faust 22. I almost went skinny dipping with a girl once but then the weather got to bad to do so23. I bottle my anger24. I have a rock collection and a shell collection that I've had since I was really little25. I prefer talking on the phone over video chat so that way no one's gotta sea my freaky face26. I am happy with the person I've become but still recognise I could be better27. A sound I hate is an alarm clock and I love the sound of falling rain28. My biggest what if is what if I had decided to confront more people about things they've done to me or if that would've just made things worse29. You better believe that I am a strong believer of ghosts and aliens30. Sticking out my right and left arm I touch air with both31. The air I'm breathing smells like smelly dog 32. The worst place I've ever been to is this little house my mom was rebuilding that we'd visit every summer in LaSalle 33. East coast because I live there34. Most attractive singer of opposite gender is Brendan Urie35. For me the meaning of life is what is the best story you can make before time runs up36. Art is something that can convey emotion without through sound/display/ect.37. I believe in luck38. The weather right now is slightly rainey39. The time for me rn is 6:38 AM40. I don't drive 41. The last book I read was Emergency Contact42. Oddly enough I love the smell of gasoline43. I have one nickname (sommie)44. The last film I saw was mamma Mia: here we go again45. The worst injury I've ever had was when I was bike riding with my mom when I was little, we were going down a very steep hill and I lost control and hit a rock a flipped, pulling myself up I felt allot of pain in my hands and knees but only when I saw blood covering my hands and running down my legs did I start screaming, the second worst would be when I tripped over my down feet and my bones in my hand just sorta disconnected from my arm a little46. I've never caught a butterfly because I know they are fragile and I would hate to hurt them47. I have a current obsession with little nightmares at the moment 48. I'm bisexual 49. I had a rumor go around after I hit my head on a metal bar and fell of the play castle in elementary school that I was faking it50. I'm not to sure I believe in magic, I'd like to though51. I do hold grudges 52. I'm an Aries 53. I try to save money but then I see a nice book and suddenly all my money is gone54. The last thing a purchased was a book, and before that it was a different book55. Love over lust most of the time56. I'm single 57. I've been in 3 relationships that no one counts because with the two guys I only dated then two days and the girl I only dated a week, it's just that I try to give people chances when I get asked out but because there's no history or chemistry there I always break it off58. I cannot touch my nose with my tongue 59. I was at the movies yesterday 60. There is a pink bowl on my desk that I made61. I'm not wearing socks rn62. I love jellyfish63. My secret weapon to get someone to like me is to pretend I'm allot more interesting than I actually am64. My best friend is with her boyfriend rn65. My top 5 blogs on Tumblr are ikimaru, smileknife, cryptedspoon, roseebottes, and softwhispersinthenight66. I am half white half native American 67. Last night at 12 AM I was listening to music and reading 68. Satans last name is either something really deep with an intese meaning or something sad meaning69. Yeah but I don't every really do it that often, maybe once every three-four months or so?70. I am not the kind of friend I would want to have add a friend but only because I despise myself71. "You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?" You bet your ass I'm saving that dog, job be damned72. "You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?" I tell no one but I make sure there last memories of me are pleasent, and I'm not just afraid, I'm terrified 73. I would rather have love over trust74. A song that always makes me happy is Francis forever 75. My last four phone digits are 465376. A great relationship is built off of communication 77. Win my heart by loving me selflessly, talk through things with me, home with me, and understand me78. Insanity can spark more creativity 79. The best decision I've ever made was pushing my mom to getting me a dog and getting to know the best good boy in the world who I love more than everyone80. I wear a show size of 9 1/2 - 10 1/2 81. I want on my tombstone that I was loved by friends and family and will be remembered by many82. My favorite word is flabbergasted 83. When I hear the word heart I think love84. Something I say a lot is "Okie dokie" and "sorry"85. The last song I listened to is Diablo - Simon Curtis 86. My favorite color is red87. My desktop picture is of Homra from K project 88. If I could press a button to make anyone in the world explode it would be the leader of the group of people who bullied me89. A question that I would be afraid to answer honestly is "who do you hate the most"90. "One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?" I freak out a little on the inside but when I see that they're not really doing anything I try and make conversation with them91. "You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?" My super power would be to make people burst into musical numbers like the demon from once more with feeling92. A half an hour past experience I'd like to relive is just talking with all my friends when we all used to be friends with each other93. If I could erase any horrible experience from my past it would be when i got stabbed with a pencil in elementary school because i still have the scar94. If I could sleep with any music celebrity out my choice it would be kesha, no reason other than I feel like she'd be good in bed and nice to me95. That free airplane ticket takes me to Portland so I can visit my brother96. I no longer have any relatives in jail97. I have not thrown up in a car98. I've never been on a plane 99. If the whole world were listening right now I'd give some dumb speech about how we're all dumb and we all need to get along