#tumblr told me to suck a dick and deleted my response THANKS ASSHOLE

[todayisafridaynight]

Okay stream over and as such no one is safe anymore from my RGGJoposting (sorry in advance), HOWEVER I did want to say...

Of course Mine Himself At Present is the furthest thing from punk, but I believe the reason he has that belt is a nod to Nakamura, who is credited with bringing punk influences to the kabuki scene. (This particular photo was taken years after Y3, but...)

By the way, Nakamura is how I found out there's a lot of stigma against sons of kabuki actors who choose to play roles of a different gender than their fathers. He comes from an established line of onnagata, so it was a big deal for him to choose to play male roles.

Arakawa was a taishu engeki actor rather than a kabuki actor, which is less steeped in tradition than kabuki, so I don't know if it would've been the same for him doing the opposite to Nakamura. But it's Neat to think of it as a concerted choice for him in terms of feeling that strong of a connection to femininity.

oh fuck yeah punk in the kabuki world WORD UP TO THE LEGEND.....

[butterflyinthewell]

I hope you listened to why people where upset with you and learned from it, rather than just freaking out and then brushing it off. Learn something from this, better yourself.

Let me be brave...let me be brave...let me be brave....

Putting trigger warnings here in case people don’t tag them in reblogs.

tw nazi mentiontw hitlertw death threatstw rape tw murdertw suicide baitingtw sex mentiontw gunstw violencetw anxietytw abuse tw emotional abusetw cyberbullyingtw anon hate (not for THIS anon, but for the kinds of things I mention anons sending to me.)

Hello, anon.

I didn’t brush it off at all. I apologized, but I don’t know if it ever got acknowledged.

I freaked out because the way I got attacked by anons triggered a flood of emotions related to being emotionally abused and bullied. I had no control of the response other than to delete the cruel messages and type out how I felt to contain my panic. 

The only anon I really responded to publicly was the one who said I was being manipulative for posting how scared, confused and upset I was. I was deliberately trying to avoid using tags that people surf or not tagging at all except for triggers so only my followers would see those posts. I used ‘actuallyautistic’ occasionally when I did panic. 

If I want a post to get attention, I make sure the first five tags are popular ones that get a lot of visits.

I made a mistake. I fucked up. I blew it. Yeah, I get it. It was not intentional at all, but people wanted to make sure I felt as bad as I could possibly feel about it over and over. It’s the exact mob mentality that terrifies me on this site.

I don’t resent being educated. I’m glad for that. I’m grateful and thankful for that. Somebody very kindly explained why the comparisons made people angry instead of saying “don’t compare these things” without further explanation. I can’t learn if I don’t understand why something is wrong. My brain works in specifics, if thing A is wrong, I need to be told that thing B and thing C are also wrong and why they’re also wrong, or I may not connect those dots. It’s autism brain, it’s been that way since I was a kid. That is not an excuse, it is an explanation. An excuse would be “it’s autism, I can’t help it and I don’t need to change my behavior” and I never said that about this incident.

Someone made the time to give me the “why” that I was missing. I felt like an asshole even though I had no ill intent, and I wish more people would acknowledge that my intent was not to cause harm rather than throwing me into the same box as people who are purposefully cruel. People have come to me with kind messages saying they know I wasn’t being offensive on purpose and I appreciate them very much, but I feel like the people who I accidentally hurt won’t ever acknowledge my apology or that I didn’t have ill intent.

Again, I don’t resent people educating me. I took it in and listened to them.

What I resent is the flood of people telling me that I should die, that I’m an antisemitic bigot, that I suck Hitler’s dick and that I’m a Nazi whore. People told me I should get murdered and thrown in a ditch. I had people telling me that I should slit my wrists, jump off a bridge and get raped. I had people saying I deserved every bit of hate I got and that I don’t deserve any of the friends I have on this site. I got called a “basic bitch” (whatever that means), a fraud and homophobic. 

Then I got told I was going to be shot and I wasn’t going to see it coming, which led to me being afraid to open my blinds or leave my house between Monday and Thursday. For my Holy Week stuff at church, I kind of sat or stood slightly away from people so if those shots came, they would only hurt me and not anyone near me. I acted more fine than I felt. I kept watching peoples’ hands for any sign they were taking out a gun. I only felt safe when in enclosed areas away from view of large crowds.

I kept it quiet while it was happening because I didn’t want to call attention to those kind of messages. It’s been about a day and a half since I last got something nasty in my inbox about the whole mess, so I guess people are tired of the whole ordeal. I sure am. 

I got the mob that I’m deathly terrified of. All for a mistake. I came very close to deleting my Tumblr. I got as far as my cursor over the button, but couldn’t click it. Deleting would disappoint more people than my mistake ever did. I remembered all the people who say my blog keeps them going, and I would be letting them down if I vanished totally. I thought of all the nonverbal autistic people who need lots of daily help and can’t make their communications understood who would go totally unacknowledged except as caregivers’ scapegoats without my posts telling the world that they exist and deserve love.

I never set out to intentionally hurt anyone, but I got treated as if I had. I apologized for what I said and adjusted the video to reflect why it’s gone so that people see the issue is dealt with and won’t feel the need to slam me all over again. I really wish people would delete their reblogs of the post, but I know that’s asking way too much.

I didn’t brush anything off. 

I really hope people didn’t brush my apology off. It’s really not fair to keep shoving a mistake at someone when they make it clear they learned from it and have been beat up enough for it. I get it, I fucked up and I’m sorry for the pain I caused.

But once you fuck up on Tumblr, there are people who see you as always a fuckup no matter how hard you try to do better after setting off the hate mob. 

Again, I don’t resent being educated. I appreciate that people educated me. What I do resent are the people who repeatedly shoved the mistake back in my face as if I’m not allowed to pick myself up and move on after learning from it.

That is the one downside about Tumblr. Mob mentality is a terrifying thing. 

Unfortunately, it’s one of my triggers when it’s aimed directly at me because the bullying I got in high school involved being publicly humiliated in front of crowds of other kids and being taunted repeatedly by members of the crowd afterward. 

There was a boy who threatened to rape and murder me daily, and nobody did shit to stop him. I was told “He’s just being a boy. Ignore him. He probably has a crush on you.” So messages about “you’re gonna get shot bitch watch your back cuz you won’t see it coming” had me going back to the thinking patterns and defense mechanisms I utilized in high school. I freaked out and made myself small for awhile.

Having my feelings dismissed as ‘manipulation’ are exact words my emotionally abusive dad uses on me whenever I’m not emoting “properly” according to some esoteric rules he never bothers to explain to me. That made me get even more confused and scared that nothing I said or did was going to be right and that everyone was going to hate me forever.

I’m not seeking pity, here. I’m explaining these things to you so that you can understand why I behaved as I did in response to the situation. I was taking measures to prevent catastrophic panic attacks that would’ve led to me deliberately getting cruel in attempt to scare everyone away. That would NOT have gone well, and I’m glad I recognized I was falling back into a pattern and wrote it out instead of being silent until I blew up completely.

For the record, again, I am sorry for the harm the Shatner letter post caused and I hope people acknowledge that yes I know I screwed up and I learned.