#tumblr is tumblring. tech is being a bitch. it's pouring rain. need i go on

[n7punk]

having a normal day

[hydra-collector]

love & death & kisses

AO3

Pairings: Anxceit, platonic Analogical

Characters: Virgil Sanders, Janus Sanders, Logan Sanders, Roman Sanders (mentioned), Remus Sanders (mentioned)

TW: suicide attempts, self-harm, cursing, panic attacks, v v v slightly implied sexual content, food

Words: 4,153

Summary: Virgil meets someone.

Note: Human AU, I’m bad at naming, bad at summaries, Janus is ooc, i swear this is one of my better fics

Rain seeped into Virgil’s clothes, making him even colder than he already was. He’d forgotten his umbrella at work, so he’d have to get it tomorrow. Funny how things work that way. You put things off to the side for a rainy day, but when you need them they’re not there.

A tall, slim man stood beside him. He would usually avoid other people at the train station as much as he could, but he didn’t care at this point. He was cold, tired, in a depressive episode, and frankly too out of it to care.

The other man didn’t have an umbrella either, but seemed much less bothered by it. He checked his phone occasionally, but only typed something once or twice, aside from a seemingly frustrating venture on Google Maps from what Virgil could see. He was more on edge by whatever he was seeing on his phone than the weather.

“Excuse me, do you know where the nearest hotel is?”

The first thing he noticed was that the man was absolutely beautiful.

The second was his scar.

A wide scar, seemingly a burn mark, covered the entirety of the left side of his face. It traveled down his neck and past his shirt where Virgil couldn’t see it. His left hand had it as well, a pair of gloves stuffed in his pocket. His eyes were also heterochromatic, one much paler than the dark brown of the other.

Virgil didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially after the earlier events of the day, but he tried his best. He subtly hugged his side to provide pressure comfort.

“I think there’s one a couple blocks from Edwards Station. I don’t remember if it’s south or north. I can check.”

Virgil pulled out his own phone and found that it was half a mile north. Logan had sent him a text asking him why he was so late. He didn’t want to explain that he had to spend an hour on a bench in the pouring rain, trying to calm down from a panic attack. The stranger confirmed and checked his phone again, sighing when he didn’t find what he wanted.

Virgil could see his screen slightly. He’d been talking to a contact named April, both of them using a lot of cursewords angrily at each other. It looked like a pretty bad breakup. He figured he’d been kicked out.

The train arrived a few minutes after that. Virgil was never going to be comfortable with the thought of a big, heavy object rocketing in his general direction, but he wasn’t attempting suicide or anything at the moment. He learned to deal with it.

“Sorry, Logan, I’m here now.”

Logan had been Virgil’s roommate for almost three years now. He’d been his best friend even longer. He was the one there for him when he needed it most.

“What happened?”

Logan was making dinner for the two of them, which Virgil was disappointed to find out. The rule was they could make each other meals, but whoever made it got to choose what it was, and Virgil has never known Logan to make anything junkier than chili. Virgil had got him to eat macaroni and cheese a few times, so he counted that as a win.

“I… had a pretty bad panic attack.”

“Is there anything I can do to help now?”

“I think I’ll be okay. You don’t give bad hugs, though.”

Logan smiled slightly and hugged his friend firmly. He’d looked up the best ways to comfort people physically and figured out what was best for Virgil.

“Thanks, L. What’s for dinner?”

“I’m afraid you’re going to have to make it yourself.”

“Hey, you have plenty! You’re using two pans!”

“You hate fish, Virgil.”

“That’s fish? Ew.”

“What did you think it was?”

Virgil shrugged.

“Go get dry clothes.”

Virgil changed into another, softer hoodie and sweatpants. He figured he’d get something to eat later. He could go a couple hours scrolling on Tumblr or something before he’d be really hungry.

When he turned his phone on, it was still open to the hotel directions.

I hope that guy’s alright.

He’d seen him a few times before, he realized. The unmistakable bleached hair against the man’s dark clothing he recognized had never been put to a face, but he’d been at the train station a few times before. Virgil vaguely wondered if he got off work at the same time as he did and it was a coincidence seeing him today since his whole thing with April, or whoever.

You don’t know what happened, shut up.

Virgil squeezed his arm with his fingernails, hoping to make his self-hate go away.

Today was exhausting.

He didn’t want to go to work the next day.

~~

He’d had another bad day. His boss complained about the quality of his work again. It seemed he was fucking everything up lately. He’d gotten Roman angry at him for an insult accidentally personal, and Logan angry at him because he’d started cutting again. Who could blame him, though? It was just so much easier to cope by hurting than actually trying to help himself. At least he was still showering.

At least it wasn’t raining.

It felt like it, though. There was weight on his shoulders and chest, and he needed to cry. He wished he could afford a therapist. Then again, did he even deserve help?

Stop.

His inner voice was right. He should stop being so self-deprecating, it was annoying, he’d always been an attention seek-

Stop.

Virgil exhaled, rubbing his forehead and sitting down on the bench instead of standing for the train.

“Didn’t get to thank you. For the directions.”

“Hm?”

It was the man again. This was the first time he’d seen him in the few days since then.

“I needed a place to stay, thanks for telling me where it was. I tried looking it up, then texting my girlfriend to ask her if… I ran out of data, I wouldn’t have been able to get there if you didn’t tell me.”

“Oh. You’re welcome. Glad you found the hotel.”

He half-wished he didn’t have to talk to anyone right now, but something drew him towards this man.

And then he initiated a conversation. For once in his life.

“You just get off work?”

“Yeah. I work at the zoo. Reptile house.”

“Wow. I just have a boring tech job. I’m assuming you like reptiles, which one’s your favorite?”

“It’s basic, but I’ve always liked snakes. I have three.”

“I could never handle snakes. I know they probably won’t hurt me, but I’m anxious about everything.”

Am I oversharing? Should I be talking about my anxiety? Is that weird?

“I have a deathly fear of spiders, so that’s valid.”

Virgil would have said something else, but the train came, and it was difficult to talk onboard. It was weird how easy it was to talk to this person, even though he’d just met him.

~~

They’d got to talking about snakes.

Big breeds, small breeds, the most dangerous, the least dangerous kinds of snakes. Virgil swore he was being converted to like reptiles by this man. He talked about them with so much excitement, more than he showed any other time. Mostly he was calm and collected, a bit like Logan.

“I never got your name.”

“Oh, it’s Janus.”

Like, Janice?

“As in the Roman god, not like suburban mom.”

“Ah. Virgil.”

Neither of them smiled often, so whenever someone who knew them saw the smile, it always made them a bit happier as well. It was already happening with them, even a week or two into knowing each other.

“What kind of snakes do you have?”

“I’ve got a green tree python, a corn snake, and a ball python. Diana, Mercury, Liber.”

“All Roman names, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m a bit of a nerd.”

“It’s fitting.”

It was so easy to talk to him. More so than any other stranger. Usually he’d get anxious and all his energy would be expended (he usually had a mental breakdown if it was a lot of people). Something about him, the way he talks, moves, looks at Virgil. He’s like a reptile.

Don’t get a crush on him. He’s probably straight.

Maybe he isn’t, though. He could be bi or pan or something.

The train interrupted their conversation, but Virgil kept glancing over at Janus throughout. He was looking down at his phone, he must’ve gotten more service. Virgil got off after him, but it gave him time to consider Janus before he got home.

“Logan, I’m getting a crush on a straight guy and I just found out his name today.”

“You’re odd, Virgil.”

“He’s hot. And he likes snakes.”

“You hate snakes. Wouldn’t someone with an interest in spiders be more akin to you?”

“...He’s scared of spiders.”

“Virgil…”

~~

And he did get a crush on Janus.

They talked every day they saw each other, finally remembering they could exchange numbers. They spent months getting to know each other with pretty limited interactions, as neither of them texted or called much anyway. It wasn’t exactly a good thing, though, because he either spent his time at work thinking about Janus, panicking because his boss was mad at him because he wasn’t doing his work (because he was thinking about Janus), or completely depressed because he was angry at her for giving him a panic attack. And the cycle would continue.

It turned out April was his girlfriend, and they’d been in an unhappy relationship for a year or so. He was glad she’d broke it off, but was left without a house for a while. He’d managed to share an apartment with his friend Remus and that was going okay. Virgil didn’t tell him about his depression, but was open enough about his anxiety. Luckily for Virgil, he mentioned an ex-boyfriend.

He was not straight. Maybe he had a chance.

Are you kidding? He’s not gonna want to date you, worthless bitch. You can’t make him deal with your mental health, and he probably hates you anyway.

Their interactions were mostly limited to the train station, but that only meant Virgil appreciated them even more.

Still, he wished he could be happy.

The only times he was were, well, when he was talking to Janus and when Logan gave him hugs. Talking to Logan was enjoyable, but he kept reminding himself about everything going on, everything wrong with himself, how he kept fucking up, and cutting and wanting to kill himself. With Janus, he forgot. It was so easy to smile and laugh at sarcastic jokes and the cute things he did, like blush when he laughed and stick out his tongue unintentionally.

Time flew by when they were together. There wasn’t enough time before the train came to talk nearly as long as Virgil would have liked. Still, every interaction was worth it. His love for Janus grew the more he talked about what he does, and he actually seemed interested in Virgil’s job, even though he swore it must be the most boring on the planet.

“I think you’ve conquered my fear of snakes, Janus.”

“What’s this? I’ve shown my little ball of anxiety the ways of the snake with my own love for him and reptiles.”

My little ball of anxiety? And did he just say he loved me?

Was he thinking about this too much?

One corner of his mouth was raised in a smile and Virgil couldn’t help but blush, however much he wanted to ignore it. Janus chuckled slightly and picked up the conversation again, mentioning how Diana had gotten out and managed to get herself on the couch. Virgil proceeded as well, debating whether it meant anything or not.

~~

Virgil felt sick.

He felt all things horrible. Depressed, anxious, angry, hopeless, and worthless.

Over and over it repeated.

“I’m afraid someone as unstable as you isn’t fit to work here.”

Unstable.

Unhealthy.

Worthless.

Useless.

What was he going to do? He wouldn’t have money to keep living with Logan, he had to go through the stress of finding another job, people would judge him, he wouldn’t even be able to eat.

There was nothing he could do.

He trembled as he made his way to the train station. He was going to have a panic attack. Hell, maybe he was already having a panic attack. He wanted to cry but he wouldn’t cry. He had to go home and explain to Logan and he’d just have to live until-

No you don’t.

Of course he didn’t.

He was going to the train station, goddamnit.

He rubbed his hands on his face, static buzzing in his ears as tears almost came. This was going to be okay. It was all going to be okay. Finally.

He went up a different set of stairs, avoiding Janus. As he walked, the static slowly faded and was replaced with silence. Chosen silence, that is. He could hear the cars and the wind and the rain that had just begun to fall.

Fitting.

The train was early today, thank God. Its rumbling was familiar from the distance.

He took his last few steps to the edge of the platform, ignoring the tiny bit of anxiety that came with jumping down. He vaguely heard his name called over and over by the deep voice he knew well by now. He ignored it as well, starting with a slow walk, letting the raindrops soak into his hoodie. The walk sped up, and the rain got heavier, blurring out the train’s lights in a pretty way. He forced the muffled sound of his name out again, but it was getting louder.

There’s nothing you can do.

The walk got faster and turned into a run. He needed to catch the train before it slowed down.

Funny. Catching the train.

His ears pounded with the silence. So many things to distract him, things he loved. The awful sound of rain, knowing you’re going to get wet, but reveling in it anyway. The patter of feet on ground, now wood and gravel. And his voice, his beautiful voice.

The screech from the train stopped all other sounds, even splitting the silence in the bubble he created. It was warm, he hoped it was blood, so warm, so wonderfully warm.

Janus had never hugged Virgil.

He’d assumed he wasn’t one for being touchy-feely. He was tall and handsome, like the stereotypical distant, sexy man. But he wasn’t distant. He was there when Virgil needed him, even if he didn’t always know it. He put a hand on his shoulder or took Virgil’s hands in his to calm him down. He wished he’d gotten to know what kind of embrace he would have. Was it soft? Was it firm like Logan’s? Was it too tight? Was it always awkward like some people’s?

More than that, he wanted to know how his kisses were.

He imagined them soft, then passionate. Like something Virgil had always needed, the sweet feeling of pure love. He imagined he was the type to give solemn forehead kisses when a moment was serious, and short nose ones when the moments were playful. He imagined he’d kiss wherever he could on someone’s face, on his cheeks and chin, nose, lips, neck. They’d all be perfect for the occasion. There was a difference between a peck on someone’s cheek and smushing his lips against someone’s face. A slow kiss to the jaw was different from a badly-aimed one. Every subtle difference in position would say something new.

“I love you.”

“Shut up.”

“I need you right now.”

“You need me.”

He wished he’d learned every message. He wished he’d kissed Janus before today. He wished he’d at least told him and got rejected like he knew he would. He wished he could have everything. A hug and a kiss saying ‘it’s going to be okay. Nothing’s gonna happen to you. It’s-’

“-going to be okay.”

The sound of the rain hit the stones sharply, akin to the feeling on his back. Voices shouting, his voice, and a new sound.

His heart.

Virgil let himself sink into the rhythm and the feeling of warmth that encompassed him. Something was soft through the damp fabric, moving slightly every now and then. It was the pressure of something, a body-

-Janus.

He opened his eyes to see the blurry outline of blond hair covering Janus’s face. He raised his arm slowly to push it away, just then noticing the arms wrapped tightly around him, using the most of their surface area.

Janus’s eyes were beautiful and sad, was he- crying? Virgil couldn’t tell if it was the rain or tears until he sobbed, hugging Virgil even tighter, burying his face in his shoulder and muttering words Virgil couldn’t hear.

Virgil realized he was crying too. Of course he was crying, he was… alive.

He was alive.

“I’m sorry, Virgil. Please, please know I’m here for you.”

Virgil said nothing, still mute from shock. So many things happened just then, and now he was being hugged. And it was perfect, despite the rain.

“I could’ve- should’ve died.”

“No, Virgil, you shouldn’t have. You couldn’t have, I’d never let you.”

Did he really care?

“I need to- I need to tell you something.”

This could go horribly wrong.

I don’t care anymore. I’ve made the most impulsive decision of my life today, might as well make another.

Virgil took his hand to push Janus’s chin up, thumb tracing the scar closer to his lips.

“Can I-”

“Can I kiss you, Jan?”

He let his head drop towards Virgil’s, lips so close now. He would have smiled his snake smile if he could have felt an ounce of a smile.

Virgil pressed his parted lips to Janus’s, hand resting on the back of his neck. He pulled his fingers through his wet hair, feeling its softness even now.

It was everything he had imagined.

At first it was soft and tender, but Janus deepened it, hand wriggling out from under Virgil to hold his face. The raindrops drowned out that moment from the outside world. Janus’s heart quickened, as did Virgil’s, but they both relaxed into it. The scar was rough against Virgil’s face sometimes, but it only made him want him more. All either of them could hear were the raindrops contrasting with their hearts.

Virgil wanted to kiss him longer, hold this forever. When they did break, Janus laid his burned cheek against Virgil’s.

“Do you need to go home?”

He thought of Logan and how upset he was when Virgil cut, how hard he tried and how bad he felt for him. And how bad Virgil felt for hurting him.

“Can we go to your place? It’s... closer.”

“Oh- I suppose we could. I doubt Remus will be there.”

They avoided the people trying to help Virgil, weaving through the few scattered onlookers, Janus’s arm resting around Virgil’s waist. Virgil was scared he would have a panic attack again and tried to focus on Janus.

He called a cab as he wasn’t about to take the train after that, and sat in the backseat with Virgil, not letting him go for a second. It was expensive and Virgil tried to get Janus to let him pay, but he didn’t have much of an argument. Janus half-carried Virgil up the stairs and into his apartment.

It was clean, which Virgil guessed was Janus’s doing given what he’d said about Remus, and fairly dark. It wasn’t the kind of dark that made you feel uneasy, but rather as in lighted only with soft ambient light. He didn’t get a good look at their living room before Janus pulled him into his bedroom. It was painted a pretty yellow and lit with a color changing lamp, which Janus turned to purple.

He sat Virgil down on the bed, who was still rather dazed from the day. Janus rummaged through his clothing drawers until he found a shirt smaller than the others and an old-looking pair of sweatpants.

“Here, you can change into this.”

Janus grabbed some clothes for himself and left the room for a moment, allowing him privacy. Virgil removed his soaked hoodie and Evanescence t-shirt, putting on the soft purple one Janus had found. It had short sleeves, but he didn’t have anything to lose at this point. He put on the sweatpants, soft and warm and opened the door for Janus. He was changed into a big hoodie that Virgil would kill to wear.

“Are you comfortable?”

“Yeah, I- I think so. Sorry about the, the cuts.”

“It’s okay, Virgil. If you want me to get you something with long sleeves-”

“I think I’ll just end up stealing your hoodie at some point. Otherwise… it’s fine.”

“Okay.”

Virgil sat down on the bed again, craving the soft blankets. Janus took his spot beside him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders.

“Thanks, Jan. It- I’m, I’m alive because of you. I don’t know how I could repay that.”

“Tell me when this happens, and I’d die happy.”

Virgil smiled, leaning against Janus. He pushed himself against the wall, pulling Virgil along with him. He heaved the thick blanket around him and Virgil, but mostly Virgil. He snuggled into the weight and comfort, still sitting against Janus as if he were the only thing keeping him balanced.

“What happened today?”

“I got… fired. ‘Cause I’m too depressed to work. I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

“I can help you find a job, V. It doesn’t have to be the end.”

“Sometimes it just… feels that way. Like you’re never going to get out of this pit of loneliness and you’re sure everyone hates you, and you’re so scared something will go wrong all the time even though you don’t really care.”

“I don’t hate you. And I know you can end this the healthy way. Shall we start with some ice cream?”

“Ice cream’s not exactly healthy, Janus.”

“Ssshh.”

He left for a moment and returned with two tubs of chocolate ice cream and a spoon for each of them.

“No bowls? And two whole tubs?”

“Mhm. It’s better that way. And you could have both of them if you asked.”

“Nah, you deserve some ice cream too. I probably hurt you a lot by doing that.”

“Mm-mm, Virgil. You’re hurting, not me. Self-care rule number one: you’re better than everyone for a while, put your feelings first.”

“I’m not.”

“Pretend. Now, what would you like to do?”

Virgil considered the question for a moment. It might be nice to listen to music, or to distract himself with a game or movie, but he didn’t really want that.

“Honestly?”

“Yes.”

“I… want to kiss you.”

Janus turned pink for a moment, before smiling his smile with one corner of his mouth.

Before he could say anything that he wanted to, Virgil kissed that smile. He wondered what it would be like to do so many times, so he wasn’t going to miss his opportunity. He put his ice cream down to hold Janus’s face with cold fingers, savoring the feeling of the little half-smile turning surprised and then into a giddy smile that began to kiss back. Virgil grinned when it ended, looking back into Janus’s eyes.

“So you’re going to surprise kiss me now?”

“Yep-”

Janus, just as quickly as Virgil had, kissed him quick on the nose, eliciting a blush from Virgil this time.

“Unfair, Janus.”

“Nah.”

“I’m gonna pout and eat my ice cream now.”

“Is there anything else we can do while eating ice cream?”

“I suppose we could watch a movie.”

“Lion King?”

“...Lion King? I mean, yeah, sure, okay!”

He smiled as Janus put the movie on, his familiar excitement seeping through. Virgil managed to wrestle the soft hoodie from him, revealing that one, he had no shirt, and two, that Virgil would cuddle Janus’s burn marks and he appreciated that. As Virgil fell asleep next to him, he pressed his lips to his forehead, who was just awake enough to feel.

And one by one, the messages were unlocked to him. Once, after a dance, came the desperate, passionate kiss that told him “I need to kiss you.” One Disney marathon he came to feel the peppered kisses on his cheeks that said “You’re adorable.” After a weekend trip alone he got the long cheek kiss that said ‘I missed you.’ When he finally got a job, he was given the messy kiss, cheeks held tight that said “I’m so proud of you.” One tired night he blushed at the kisses on his jaw and neck that said “You’re hot and I’m bored.”

And again and again and again, the tender forehead kisses that said “I’m here for you. I love you.”

[djduskie]

ANSWER ALL OF THEM!!!! A L L O F T H E M! ! ! !

JFC WOMAN THAT’S 216 BLOODY QUESTIONS IN A ROW

ALRIGHTY THEN but I’m gonna put it under a Read More cause... yea, this is gonna get long I bet

1: My name?

My full name is Marissa Leigh Bell, but... that’s just a dumb name honestly and the initials are literally MLB

2: Do I have any nicknames?

Yes, and that is obviously Dusk! Or DJ Dusk, or Midnight... 

My IRL nicknames however are stupid. There’s Rissy, Rissa, Rissa Roo (one of my hospital techs call me that...), Sissy... they’re all dumb and I’m the only one who gets nicknames.

3: Zodiac sign?

Libra~!!

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win?

Hmm...  suppose that’ll have to be Starbound!! I often times like to open up Starbound and just find some new goals, whether it be item finding on achievement hunting. I guess another game I like to do is osu!, but I dunno how chill I am on that game pff

5: Book/series I reread?

Honestly, the ONLY readable thing I ever would reread is the one and only book I ever liked; And Then There Were None by Agatha Christine

6: Aliens or ghosts?

Ghosts, defiantly~!! I even have my very own EVP recorder!

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write?

I... don’t honestly read that many things except for like, online game journalists. Which I don’t even know if they count. (And if they do, then I’d say Jim Sterling since he’s a funny guy)

8: Favourite radio station?

None cause I hate listening to the radio

9: Favourite flavour of anything?

Prolly chocolate! Chocolate’s always a good flavour for most things~

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

“Amazing”, usually pff

11: Favourite song?

WHAT KINDA IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION IS THIS I CAN’T ANSWER THIS

I guess my all-time favourite song is “BAD APPLE !!”, but I also really like “Hip Hop Addict” and “Furioso Melodia”!

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better?

Well first, I’ll need to find a new friend, and I haven’t had a new friend in literal years

13: Favourite word?

I did originally write down “friggin”, but as I was answering everything else, I realized how often I use “prick”, so prolly that

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them?

Prolly not, since I’m a salty prick who can hold grudges for years.

15: Last song I listened to?

“Reconstructing Science” from the Portal 2 OST (It’s so good!!)

16: TV show I always recommend?

I don’t watch TV, like, ever... so I’ll just say Futurama since it’s one of the very few TV shows I actually like

17: Pirates or ninjas?

Ninjas all the way!!

18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down?

I don’t watch movies all that often either actually... maybe “Muppet Treasure Island” since I watched that movie ALL the time

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song?

It depends on if I found a new favourite song for the moment, but it usually has been Markiplier’s “Five Night’s at Freddy’s: Night 2″ song he did for Random Encounter~

20: Favourite video games?

HOO BOI 

Touhou Project, Undertale, OFF, Oneshot, Starbound, Splatoon, and osu! just to name a few

21: What am I most afraid of?

Honestly? Losing everyone I love (and I already lost one of them)

22: A good quality of mine?

...Do I have any?? pfff

Um... I guess the fact that I can often times be fairly kind and understanding?? Like, I don’t actually like to be such a salty lil prick (unless I’m conversing with a complete idiot of course)

23: A bad quality of mine?

Literally everything else HA

No seriously tho, I am the JUDGIEST prick around when it comes to interests. Like, there’s a reason why I have VERY little interests when it comes to games and why I just about never watch TV (it took a LOT of convincing to even get me to watch SU)

24: Cats or dogs?

CATS without question

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they're in?

Uhh... prolly Will Smith? I dunno I legit don’t pay attention to actors that much

26: Favourite season?

DEFIANTLY Autumn! It’s the season I was born in, the colours are so damn beautiful, it has Halloween, and it has some of my favourite aesthetics!

27: Am I in a relationship?

No, and honestly (even tho I tried to peruse one) I kinda don’t wanna be in one

28: Something I miss?

I miss the times when I was young, where I didn’t worry about my illness and I was just.. happy about everything. I was so positive back then.

29: My best friend?

The one and only @evils-corner, of course~!!

30: Eye colour?

Green! Though I was told it’s kinda saturated

31: Hair colour?

Dirty blonde at this point

32: Someone I love?

In... terms of romantically? No one. Platonically there’s quite the few

33: Someone I trust?

Prolly my couple friends, honestly pff

34: Someone I always think about?

Uhh how much I honestly hate being so ill all the time

35: Am I excited about anything?

Not... really

36: My current obsession?

Currently I’ve been in a Fire Emblem drive, but I’ve also once again been deep down in Touhou Hell (The obsession shifts to OFF and Undertale sometimes too)

37: Favourite TV shows as a child?

Futurama! Even tho that’s a TV show not really for kids, who cares I watched it anyways

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to?

ABSOLUTELY not. I’ve never had a male friend in my life I don’t think

39: Am I superstitious?

Not really? I like to believe there are such things as karma or “bad luck”, and I’m a huge believer in fate! I even have a green Lucky Cat sitting on my windowsill for good health!

40: What do I think about most?

Read question 34

41: Do I have any strange phobias?

STRANGE phobias? I don’t think so...

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

Defiantly behind the camera

43: Favourite hobbies?

Drawing!! Tied with gaming and sometimes piano playing~

44: Last book I read?

And Then There Were None like, years ago

45: Last film I watched?

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame”! I never watched that movie before, and after hearing the song “Hellfire”, I was super interested in watching it. (Does that count?)

46: Do I play any instruments?

Yes, I play piano! Not that very well, but I do play it.

47: Favourite animal?

MMMMMMM it’s a three-way tie between bats, snakes, and turtles

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow?

Yo, I just follow my friends and some other dumb blogs and that’s it, I don’t really have a top 5 fave pff

49: Superpower I wish I could have?

Hmm, it’s either telekinesis, or the power to turn my creations (original characters) to life!! Imagine having my OCs help take care of me and help me...

50: How do I destress?

Aside from crying, I’d either watch a YouTube video to distract me, or I’d draw

51: Do I like confrontation?

Who the fuck does

52: When do I feel most at peace?

Usually on a nice rainy day, where the sky is a nice shade of grey and the rain is pouring, but not heavily. And it’s around 1 PM.

53: What makes me smile?

Talking to my friends, really~ 

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off?

Off, unless I start getting paranoid (which happens sometimes when I’m at home), then I’ll either keep my laptop screen open or I’ll full out keep the lights on.

55: Play any sports?

Nope.avi

56: What is my song of the week?

This song right here! It’s an EastNewSound song, and it’s SUPER catchy!

57: Favourite drink?

Pink lemonade, prolly!

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody?

Damn, that was prolly like... fuckin YEARS ago.

59: Afraid of heights?

You bet!

60: Pet peeve?

As dumb as this sounds (and I’m not even sure this counts), but... opened doors. If I’m in my room or in a hospital room (which I am right now), I CANNOT have a door opened. It just... disturbs me. Even when I’m at home alone I cannot have that door opened.

61: What was the last concert I went to see?

I’ve never been to a concert.

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian?

No, cause doing any of those would kill me since I NEED meat. (All you vegan pricks who whine and say EVERYONE can go vegan no matter what: fucking come at me)

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger?

I wanted to be a veterinarian for a while... then that just sorta stopped. I think I then wanted to just work for a zoo, which to this day I think would be neat

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy?

Kinda? My brother’s ex-girlfriend used to be a friend of mind before I... for some reason started being a lil bitch to her and we just cut ties. I really wanna apologize to her now, tho.

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

I wanna live in friggin Gensokyo!! And if I can’t be a yokai, then I’ll just happily live in the Human Village. Bro people fly and shoot lazors at others for fun there

66: Something I worry about?

Read question 21

67: Scared of the dark?

ONLY if I get unreasonably paranoid. Otherwise, not anymore. I used to be a long time ago due to one dream where I looked over to my toy shelf and saw a full blown skeleton hanging off of it.

68: Who are my best friends?

@evils-corner! (IRL, of course. I have a few others online!)

69: What do I admire most about others?

If anything, I’m just envy at everyone who isn’t sick

70: Can I sing?

HA

no

71: Something I wish I could do?

I wish I could walk/run/do literally ANYTHING without getting horribly worn out or have a bad coughing fit. It’d make so many things easier.

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do?

TO JAPAN!

73: Have I ever skipped school?

For no particular reason? I don’t think so. Tho there was one time my mother allowed me to sleep in til 1 PM on a school day cause I fell down the stairs and landed on my tailbone, causing me to just about jam my back. I was in a lotta pain, and on top of that I had sinus issues, so... eh

74: Favourite place on the planet?

No idea! I don’t travel to many places

75: Where do I want to live?

As prolly awful it would be to live in, I’d really love to live in a really forest-y area with creeks and waterfalls and just a lotta flora.

76: Do I have any pets?

Currently no, due to the owners of the house we are renting forbidding any pets.

77: What is my current desktop picture?

78: Early bird or night owl?

Both? Kinda? Recently it’s been night owl due to my terrible sleeping schedule. But I can and have woken up very early!

79: Sunsets or sunrise?

Neither cause none of them are appealing

80: Can I drive?

NOPE and I’m too scared to

81: Story behind my last kiss?

There is none

82: Earphones or headphones?

Headphones all the way!!

83: Have I ever had braces?

Nope

84: Story behind one of my scars?

Hm.. well I have this small oval shaped scar on my left hand!

��I was at the dentist and they were doing a root canal. Now, I have naturally long nails, and my one nervous tick is that I scratch. I’ll scratch myself if I have nothing to scratch, and that was the case when they were doing the root canal. I scratch subconsciously, so I have NO idea I’m causing damage. So I was scratching my left hand in one stop consistently, and thankfully the dentist assistant noticed and got me some stress balls to scratch on. Sadly tho the area scabbed really badly, and thus led to scarring.

85: Favourite genre of music?

Video game OSTs!! Or techno

86: Who is my hero?

My brother, Jonathon

87: Favourite comic book character?

I don’t read comic books

88: What makes me really angry?

Vegans.

Look I honestly have nothing against the concept of not eating meat/anything animal related cause you don’t wanna eat a previously living thing. I really don’t mind! You do you. But it’s the goddamn vegans that are the most PREACHIEST buggers that I swear to god sound like a cult, talking about “carnists” and how they “can’t see the TRUTH with how cruel they are” and just be so holier-than-thou PRICKS

Basically, as long as you aren’t telling me how to live my life and being fuckin rude cause I can’t see the “””truth”””, I have no problem with you. Otherwise, we’re gonna have problems. End of rant

89: Kindle or real book?

Kindles are nice cause you don’t have to deal with keeping the bloody book opened

90: Favourite sporty activity?

I... don’t have one I don’t think pff

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be?

I don’t fuckin know?? I haven’t been in a public school since 5th grade I don’t know shit when it comes to schools

92: What was my favourite subject at school?

Art, prolly. In homeschool tho I did Japanese, and I still do that on my own time!

93: Siblings?

I had my older brother Jonathon, who died when he was 19, and I have a little sister name Erica who is currently 16~

94: What was the last thing I bought?

$13 worth of micro-transactions on FE Heroes (23 Orbs, weren’t worth it)

95: How tall am I?

4′10″

96: Can I cook?

No, but I wanna learn!

97: Can I bake?

Kinda?

98: 3 things I love?

1. My sister

2. My friends

3. Bats

99: 3 things I hate?

1. Vegans

2. Cystic Fibrosis

3. S p i d e r s

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

Girls pff

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys?

Giirrllss

102: Where was I born?

Miamisburg, Ohio

103: Sexual orientation?

I used to be Asexual Aromantic, but now it’s Homosexual and Asexual

104: Where do I currently live?

Kansas! Boring ass place

105: Last person I texted?

My mother~

106: Last time I cried?

Two hours ago

107: Guilty pleasure?

Listening to REALLY stupid rap/ghetto songs (they’re so catchy but I hate the lyrics pff)

108: Favourite Youtuber?

Man I can’t just choose one... I guess right now my favourite is this Youtube channel called Night Mind! If you’re interested in ARGs and other creepy webseries, PLEASE check him out, he has an amazing voice and he’s great at explaining stuff

109: A photo of myself.

have a low quality selfie

110: Do I like selfies?

are you fuckin mocking me right now

the answer is No btw

111: Favourite game app?

Neko Atsume, prolly

112: My relationship with my parents?

With my mother, it’s... fair. She pisses me the HELL off sometimes, but I know she tries, despite what my negative self says. With my father, well... he’s no father to me. I want nothing to do with him.

113: Favourite accents?

British accents are nice, and due to me listening to WAY too many British people, I end up talking like them

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

SOMEWHERE in Japan

115: Favourite number?

3! Cause 3 is the magical number~ (and 4, and I have no idea why I like 4)

116: Can I juggle?

Hell no

117: Am I religious?

Nope, I’m agnostic~

118: Do I like space?

Uh, I like looking at the stars? But space in general, no. It terrifies me

119: Do I like the deep ocean?

I love seeing what terrifying creatures lay in the deep ocean! I always wonder to myself if man was ever supposed to traverse and discover what lies in the ocean...

120: Am I much of a daredevil?

Noooot really

121: Am I allergic to anything?

Yes! I am allergic to nickel (the material, causes rashes), Vancomycn (everyone gets the normal allergy of Red Man’s, but I go further and turn into a tomato, and also get fevers and lose oxygen), HYDROmorphone (A strong pain killer that lead to me getting immediately sick and not breathing), and Flucanozole (A yeast infection medication that causes me hives)

122: Can I curl my tongue?

Yes! And I love mocking my sister with it cause she can’t~

123: Can I wiggle my ears?

Nnnooooo?

124: Do I like clowns?

NOPE

125: The Beatles or Elvis?

Boi, I grew up with The Beatles!! My favourite song of their’s is “Eleanor Rigby”!

126: My current project?

Don’t think I have one at the moment. I’m busy dealing with a commission

127: Am I a bad loser?

I defiantly try not to be! I’d like to think I have gotten better.

128: Do I admit when I wrong?

Once again, I defiantly try! 

129: Forest or beach?

Forest!!

130: Favourite piece of advice?

I legit can’t remember any of ‘em right now pff

131: Am I a good liar?

Yea, almost to the point where I can be kiinda manipulative... Not gonna lie (no pun intended), it’s a trait I really don’t like about myself

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district?

Fuckin, uh... Ravenclaw/That One Faction/and District 5

i know NOTHING of either of those can’tcha tell

133: Do I talk to myself?

Not often, but if I’m feeling relaxed and I’m playing a game, I will sometimes quietly talk to myself

134: Am I very social?

NOOOPE

135: Do I like gossip?

I personally don’t like to gossip, but I can’t help but listen in

136: Do I keep a journal/diary?

I used to! I have a whole journal filled out from me trying to do Daily Entries, but almost halfway through the second journal I just fell out

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test?

I don’t think so!

138: Do I believe in second chances?

Only if the first chance wasn’t something so major I’d wouldn’t even think about it

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do?

Try to locate any place that would potentially be able to keep it in case the owner comes by!

140: Do I believe people are capable of change?

Of course! A person could change every single day, that’s just how life works. Change is drastic, scary, and necessary.

141: Have I ever been underweight?

Eh, only my entire life (I’m currently 15 lbs. underweight)

142: Am I ticklish?

Not really!

143: Have I ever been in a submarine?

No, and I NEVER want to

144: Have I ever been on a plane?

Nope! I may one day tho~

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

I dunno, but there’s a good chance a film about my life wouldn’t even make it past production

146: Have I ever been overweight?

HAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA

147: Do I have any piercings?

No, cause most piercings are made of nickel, which I cannot wear

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real?

Sssshiiit... hm... There’s like, so many Touhou characters I’d prolly wish were real

149: Do I have any tattoos?

No, but I plan on maybe getting one in the future!

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

Prolly choosing to join the deviantART group, PMD-E, since that experience has basically kickstarted a lotta things for me

151: Do I believe in Karma?

I dunno, I never really think about it much...

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts?

I have glasses, but I never wear ‘em pff

153: What was my first car?

My very first car was this imaginary black car that I just made up literal seconds ago! It wasn’t the most impressive car, but I don’t give a shit about cars

154: Do I want children?

Well, there’s a 99.9% chance having a child could potentially kill me due to my thin and frail body, so if I EVER find a mate (which I won’t), I’d maybe adopt like, one kid.

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know?

My lil cousin who’s like... I think  6-7?? And that lil guy knows Spanish, is learning French, knows about countries none of us has ever heard about, can tell you every and any capital of any state, and that’s only to name a few. Dude’s a miniature Einstein I tell ya

156: My most embarrassing memory?

Honestly, I’ve made it a point to throw every embarrassing memory out the window, so I’m actually blanking right now

157: What makes me nostalgic?

Old website games like Club Penguin (rest in pepperonis) and Webkinz gets me pretty nostalgic anytime I play ‘em, cause they were just such a huge part of my childhood

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter?

Yes and it’s fucking awful

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty?

Prolly brains cause I really don’t care about beauty or looks

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe?

Greyscales

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience?

Loads of times! We speculate that we currently have 2 ghosts in our house, one of ‘em Jonathon and the other potentially a 16-17 year old boy who used to live in the house

162: What do I hate most about myself?

Uhhh read question 131

163: What do I love most about myself?

Not much, honestly

164: Do I like adventure?

I’d love to! But I can’t ever travel, so...

165: Do I believe in fate?

Absolutely!! Fate has brought me and one of my best friends together! I am a huge believer in fate

166: Favourite animal?

Read question 47

167: Have I ever been on radio?

No, but that’d be cool!

168: Have I ever been on TV?

Same as above

169: How old am I?

Such a generic question so late in the questionnaire... I’m 17!

170: One of my favourite quotes?

A personal quote I made myself:

“The problem is that we don’t know what the problem is.”

171: Do I hold grudges?

Absolutely

172: Do I trust easily?

Depends on the situation I think

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes?

I’d like to believe I have learnt from quite a few!

174: Best gift I’ve ever received?

Hmm... I think my Wii U!

175: Do I dream?

WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T

176: Have I ever had a night terror?

No and I hope to gods I never do cause they sound horrible

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind?

Not really, which pisses me off... 

178: An experience that has made me stronger?

I don’t think I had one..

179: If I were immortal, what would I do?

Go to Japan! Then cry forever cause being immortal has to be the worst punishment ever

180: Do I like shopping?

HELLL no

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do?

Prolly steal a nice Wacom Cintiq pff

182: What does “family” mean to me?

Family means... I dunno I don’t think about this much

183: What is my spirit animal?

I dunno! Never bothered to check. I’d say a bat cause wynaut

184: How do I want to be remembered?

I wanna be remembered as the person who made that One Cool Webcomic

or as DJ Dusk who made awesome music

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

Learn how to make music, maybe. Either that or master Japanese

186: What is my greatest failure?

My whole life HA

Seriously tho, prolly me giving up on school

187: What is my greatest achievement?

I don’t think I have one yet

188: Love or money?

Fuck love gimme money

at least I can get things to make me happy with money

189: Love or career?

Well since I cannot have a career, in this instance love wins

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

I actually have no idea. Like, I can’t think of what I’d do.

191: What makes me the happiest?

Being with my friend? I dunno, I haven’t been happy in quite a while..

192: What is “home” to me?

The house I currently live in. It doesn’t have much a meaning anymore considering how often I’m in the hospital

193: What motivates me?

Nothing!

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be?

I feel like I’d want to say something super petty, but... I’d prolly say something like “I hope to see you soon”, like I’d be ghostie or somethin’

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

PROLLLY not

196: A movie that scared me as a child?

I dunno but there was this one Batman movie, and there was this scene where this girl took a punch of plushies and stabbed them and threw ‘em in a garbage disposal and that was absolutely upsetting to me cause I have a huge love for plushies

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now?

Lasagna

198: Zombies or vampires?

VAMPIRES YO

199: Live in the city or suburbs?

City, I guess?

200: Dragons or wizards?

DRAGONS

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

The first nightmare I ever had was me and a couple of neighborhood kids just hanging out in front of my house on the driveway, and for some reason my church priest or whatever was there? And for NO REASON a truck comes and runs him over, and black guts spewed everywhere and his scream still haunts me to this day

It was a fucked up dream

202: How do I define love?

Love honestly is just the strong feeling of trust and compassion you have for another. I dunno much about romantic/sexual love, since I’ve never experienced it tho

203: Do I judge a book by its cover?

Absolutely, much to my detriment 

204: Have I ever had my heart broken?

No, and I may never will

205: Do I like my handwriting?

Not really, no

206: Sweet or savoury?

Sweet, I guess!

207: Worst job I’ve had?

I’ve never had a job

208: Do I collect anything?

Turtle plushies and such! Dunno why

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without?

My treble clef necklace that holds a part of Jon’s ashes

210: What is on my bucket list?

To go to Japan!

211: How do I handle anger?

Uuuh I don’t. I cry for an hour until it blows off

212: Was I named after anyone?

Apparently I was named after Marissa Tomei

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot?

Literally like all the time

214: What TV character am I most like?

No idea! I don’t watch TV

215: What is the weirdest talent I have?

Uh... on my left foot I can raise my pinkie toe?

216: Favourite fictional character?

Either Komachi Onozuka or Satori Komeji from Touhou

AND THAT’S ALL OF ‘EM

SCREW YOU EVIL. I LOVE YA BUT HONESTLY SCREW YOU