#tumblr ate like two of my responses already but ill be getting around to answering them soon! ish

[whmp]

I just wanted to say that your video game looks really cool! I'm a (fairly beginner) game developer and overall it just looks really great. I love the graphics and style. I do not consider myself a sadistic person and I can confidently say I have never had any urge to hurt somebody, but I'm still super hyped to play your game.

Anyways, I guess I'm just curious on how you're making it/ any details of the process so far you'd like to share.

hehe thank you so much anon!!! don't worry, the "have you ever wanted to keep someone in your basement" was (mostly) a joke, being a sadist is by no means a prerequisite. : ) the process itself is a bit chaotic - such is life of a solo developer. i'm spread a bit thin between animation, modelling and programming so when making the game i'm trying my best to stick to my strengths: for example, when you look at characters and items, most of them have only very basic textures, but they do have a neat little shader on top which makes them look cel shaded. there's also a hefty dose of VHSesque post processing on top of everything! i left for a bit of a vacation recently, hence the lack of updates, but i YEARN to go back to work. on top of the to-do list is to finish up the time-simulation system. originally i wanted the game to be in real-time like animal crossing or something, but i've since shifted focus to a different approach with a simulated time, kind of like in stardew valley or minecraft or pretty much any game with a day/night cycle. the two tasks i dread the most are going to be fixing whumpees hair and his skeleton. god. take a look at how this smug fucker's hair look like:

if you know anything 3d you're probably getting a headache just from looking at this terrifying thing. stop. stop looking at it now, please, avert your gaze and don't make fun of my topology skills. if you don't - on the left there's a wire frame of polygons that when painted gives us the poor little meow meow on the right. as you can see, his hair is SUPER DENSE when it comes to polygon distribution. basically, a good 95% of whumpee's geometry is concentrated in his hair. i have since changed it (it's an old screenshot) but his hair still is a bit too dense for my liking - this is the sort of thing that WILL cause performance issues further down the line. i should just shave him bald i swear.

the second thing is his skeleton (or rig, or armature or """avatar""" if you go by unity's terminology). there's no nice way of putting it, his bones are fucked up. i rigged him in blender and upon being transported to the game engine environment, his spine just sort of left his torso. i managed to shove it back in, but it's far from ideal. here's how he looked like prior to the Bone Surgery:

scary. think of the back pain.

to summarize, gamedev is hard, bones are bad, but i really want to get back to work. hopefully i'll post a major update post within a week or so! no taglist on this post since it's not really an update, but @fanboy-enby-undead mentioned wanting to see bloopers/glitches so here's an @. : )

[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Yaaay!! Thank you Soraya's inbox, sorry i blamed you on eating the last ask😂😘. You did great. Nono, he wasnt a torero, he looked like a prince. (Which is not better bcs i dont like any of those  figures but... whatever). Ooh, talking about suits, did you see the ranking hsfashionarchive did of the suits he wore this tour? Bcn was winning, pink suit was second and Mdd was third!! (1)

[I hope this works 😜🙏🏻, bc this was TOO long, jajajaa.]

Ohhh. Your mom is the best. So supportive! Petition to give her that award. She is clearly the winner. (1D clinex? capitalism in its pure state 😂. Did they really made those? Glad i didnt find it on time bcs i would have definitely brought them as a joke to my sister or something). You are already playing Niall’s songs to her? Did she like them? Does she have anything similar to “pikachu get away” she had for SOTT?. (2)

JAJAJAJJA. Netflix always does that to me too. Dont know why. I started watching Black mirror backwards bcs of that. Did you understand anything of chapter 7 os ST? (Did you finish the show??). Yep. The 8th season is the last one, and i dont know hoe to feel about it. Dissapointed by the shows? As in with the ending?? Or how? (3)

You sound like a devoted cat lady, yes. Ooow, i have little cousins too, though they are reaching the age of “too cool to be seen with you, old girl” Of course they make me laugh. Honey is a menace and i appreciate it. JAJAJAJAJAJAJA. He ate the chorizo?? Honeeey!! 😂😂😂 that made me laugh at loud int the train and now my neighbour is looking at me weirdly. I see, you’ll never get bored with him. (4)

When i was younger and + close minded, i didnt like tattos. Considere also that the ones I had saw in real life were the tribal ones, so there’s tgat. But then i grew up and started liking them (you can partially blame larry for that). Nobody in my family (cousins and so) has one, and thats kind of a encouragement, I’d love to piss them, but my dad has threaten me to disinherit me (we dont heven have that, lol) and i dont have any tatto on mind, so i wont do it… maybe in the future, yes. (5)

I MISS LOUIS TOO! I hope he is fine. Resting and so. Im sure that creating the album that will destroy us all takes a lot of effort. (Seriously, where is heeeee?). Heeey!! I wont get bored. Or mad! I have such a great time talking to you. If i dont talk more its bcs of the character limit and bcs im always worried about pressuring or imposing. Dont be dumb. If i dont answer its bcs im busy with finals and so. Nothing more. Promise. (6)

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING. i know i know. It makes sense and its a smart move, but… i cant stand raeggeton/latino, its not for me. Sad. I havent lost hope though. Maybe ill change my mind later Yeah, i have the same problem with my friends, they only listen to trap and raeggeton and i die everytime. We mostly agree to put something neutral like pop or the radio. (Disney songs never get old😂). (7)

Ay. I just saw that i wrote “heven” instead of “even” and now i want to delete myself. I was walking while writing the asks and i didnt proofread it. I feel so dumb. Anyway, sorry for sending so many asks (today i made a record xd) and, as always, good night!!————————————————————————-Hi!!!! Yes! I saw the ranking. But it isn’t exactly a ranking. It’s more to like chose wants your favorite suit. I did it and guess what? My first choice in the Madrid one, jajajaa. Second the kilt. And third the jumpsuit. Very accurate.

Oh, you’re telling me! My family bought me a bunch of 1D merch (unofficial all): the clinex, a hair brush, a bracelet, 2 books!, one perfume (this I love it, it smells so good), a make up box… I can’t even remember everything. Ah! A birthday card too!! Where they talk when you open it. I always use to wish happy birthday to people (the audio) 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I had to tell them to please stop wasting money on those things. I don’t even know where I have it. And if a can ask, I’d rather they give me the money so I can go to their concerts,jajajaja.EDIT: I can’t believe I forgot the poster!! I have it beside my head right now,jajaja, and I only realized it was there when I looked at the boys to ask for inspiration,😅😅)

Oh, my mom loves Niall’s album too. But I don’t think she “knows” any of the lyrics,jajaja. Though, she knows the hmmmm in This Town. But that’s all. She and my sister, both separately were like: “oh! who’s him??” When they heard Fire Away. And I was like: “ehhhhh, it’s Niall’s album, so guess who’s it?? What, you like it? See, Harry’s not the only one who can sing…” jajajajja. It’s because of comments like this, that they think I don’t like Harry. And I get so offended when they hint at it! Like, of course I like Harry. But I like all of them too!! God!! I love Niall’s album so much (I’m hearing it right now, bc I couldn’t remember what song was the one they liked it so much, and now I can’t stop 😅). Harry’s and Niall’s albums have been lining in my car since they were released. I had Harry’s playing in a loop till I got Niall’s one and I interchanged them. Then Harry’s came back a month or so before his concert. And now it’s time for Niall’s again. (You can’t imagine how hard it’s being writing this with honey laying on my arm!! Jajaja, I can’t barely move my fingers😅).

AND WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU REALIZED YOU WERE WATCHING BLACK MIRROS BACKWARDS??? I’ve watched canter 1 and 2 of ST afterwards, but I hadn’t gotten to watch the whole thing yet. I can’t stand to be looking at a screen for 50minutes without doing anything. And don’t get me wrong, lol, I can be on tumblr for hours, jajaja, but a have to move my hand, and I can go from a blog to another… y'know, jajajajaja. And when I watched chapter 7 of ST i was like, okay… now they have to investigate what happened… or a guessed they would be doing flashbacks… jajajajajaja. Then I realized my mistake and thought I was stupid, 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣“I see you from a different point of view🎶🎶” ( sorry, that’s me singing,jajajaja, Seeing Blind. I LOVE that song)And shows have disappointed me in the sense that they turn out to have an awful ending (seriously, I know you do it for the audience, but end a show how it deserves it, don’t turn it into shit just for a handful of money); or bc they just end it bc they don’t have enough audience. It’s always a matter of audience,jajaja.if they have a lot, they want to explode it. And if they don’t have enough they finish it ASAP. 😒

Honey is a menace, yeh, I couldn’t love him more,jajajaja. He can’t see me petting Liam, he gets jealous and comes to me and headbutt my hand so I pet him too. And Liam is so patient with him. They’re totally like liam and Louis, jajja. Hey! did I tell you the story about when I got Liam? no!! Well, someone gave my dad 4 kitties (they were sooooo small). So, guess their names (it was post March 25, 2015…) yes!! They were named (by me) Louis, Niall, Harry and Liam, jajajajajja. But Harry died a couple of days later, because he was really really young. He couldn’t survive without his mom ☹️. And the other three, my dad took them to a place we have were he has a little garden (?) with vegetables and chickens and proper farm-y, jejeje. I wasn’t too (any) into cats back then, so… Then he brought home one of them, to have our home free of mice. AND IT WAS LIAM!! And I adopted him. I took care of him. We started loving each other. And he became useless with mice, jajaja. He’s totally domesticated now 😝. And that’s his story. The rest? Louis became a big alpha male at their new home. But s car ran him over last summer, and he died 😔. And Niall is a female, jajajajaa. And I hate her. Because she hasn’t been able to keep her kitties alive once!! (She’s pregame again, and we’re praying this time she knows who to be a mom🙏🏻) Ah!! And Honey had siblings the other day!! The guy who gave it to my dad is my brother’s friend and he show him a pic. There are two white cats!! I WANT THEM!!! But they don’t let me have anymore cats! Jajajajaja.

Hey, we might have in common the reason why we started liking tats, jajajjajaa. And, well, to piss off the family is as good a reason as any other,jajajaja. And why are dads like that?? When my sister and I got our lips pierced he went to pick up at the train station and as soon as he saw us he turned around and walked to the car without saying a word,jajajajja. I HAD TOLMY PARENTS WE WOULD BE DOING IT!! I asked my mom:hey mom, if a get a 10 in maths, can I get a piercing?? And she say okay. So I got a 10 (I might cheated or not on this, bc I already knew I had a 10, but wel…), and I got a piercing.my sister only got it, bc I was 16, she had to go with me as an adult, and giving she was already there, she got one too,jajajaja. (My granny almost kill us 😅)

Oh, louis has a BIG responsibility on his hands. He will be killing a lot of people when he puts out his album. He has to chose the proper songs to do it. It will be considered a massive destruction weapon, so he better be careful. But god, for real, when will Louis and Liam release their albums. At this pace, Harry and Niall will be releasing their second one before LiLo has finished their respective tours. And when they finish, Narry will have release their second one, and will be promoting them. So Lilo will start working in their seconds one. And… and… AND ONE DIRECTION WON’T COME BACK EVER BECAUSE THEY CAN FIX A DATE WHERE ALL OF THE BOYS HAVE NOTHING TO DO, AND WHAT WILL I DO??? 😭😭😭😭😭 (sorry, I panicked a bit there,oops).

Uggggg, I can’t stand raeggeton either. I can’t stand the music, argggg. Or the culture of it (the how it treats women, and glorifies sex). I can’t I can’t.and you can’t go out without hearing it. My friends and I went on road trip once. And it was my friend’s car. And she only listens to raeggeton. And after 10, 15, 40? minutes I had to ask her “will this song ever end???” And she told me it was already a different one. And I swear I almost jump out of the car,jajajajaja. We were crossing a bridge, and I wanted to jump out of the car!!!!! I couldn’t listen to that any more!!!!!  Ejkbvwirbfeuirnfrvoieefvnv The she caved and we switched to movie’s soundtracks,jajajaja.

Ha! Don’t worry about sending a lot of ask, I learn something, you’ll see,jajajajaa.Also, I forgot to ask early. Is your sister a 1d fan too, then? She goes to concerts and knows the song… how lucky! you have someone to talk about all the gossip!! (And they know what you’re talking about…) or is she a “casual” fan, and doesn’t get into fandom drama? She just likes the music and doesn’t care about their lives?are you both into drama?? God, I don’t discuss drama very much online, but if had someone face to face to talk about it… I would be the happiest person in the world,jajajajaa (what an exaggeration 🙊).

I think this is all. I LOVE ORPUR CONVERSATIONS!! Jajajaja( I hope I did it correctly and all this is under read more, jajaja)Byeeeeee!!!! 😚😚😚😚

[missixo]

St Balderich Slays the Dragon [3/19]

01 | 02 |(on tumblr)

This fic (on AO3)

Pairing: Balderich/Mondatta

Summary:  The humans are right to fear omnics and what they can do. What he can and will do to humanity. He is Jörmungandr, and he will see humanity fall.

St Balderich Slays the Dragon

Chapter 3

The transport is held up another four days. Four days. Because two idiot humans ate the wrong plates of fish. Jörmungandr - MD, ugh, he’s going to have to get used to answering to that, since it’s all the humans want to call him now - wants to strangle a few fleshy necks on the flight. One of the pilots is ridiculously skittish of him on sight, something about a white omnic being an ‘ill omen.’ He fully agrees, which makes his circuits crawl just a little to think about, but sadly he can’t prove the human’s fears right, at the moment.

Well. He almost does anyway because he and the five other omnics are being put in the cargo hold. Beg pardon? Does he look like a piece of equipment?! His indignation scares the one pilot off to the cockpit early, just to get away from him. Camp security starts paying a little attention to him, but he keeps quiet with no more outward signs that he’s ready to steal one of their guns and shoot all of them.

***

MD walks quietly into the cargo hold and sits away from the other omnics, but Jörmungandr looks around for something he can easily hack. Crate, crate, crate, crate… security equipment. And it even has an open port, how nice of them. He scans the port and feels his spinal connector change to match, and he sits on the crate next to it for the flight, leaning against it to hide his connector. There’s the smallest click as he connects, the sound swallowed by the engines powering up.

Now, does he make the equipment completely useless and cost the humans time and money getting a replacement, or does he give himself a door to access the live feed when it goes active? Decisions, decisions…

He’s going for the live feed when one of the other omnics approaches - skittish little thing with three points, he can practically hear their plates clicking together.

“You look upset.”

Does he? “My processors haven’t been quite the same since the last attack. And I wasn’t treated as ‘cargo’ before.”

“Oh! Really? -- Oh shoot, right, I’m Macky, MKE-3784 - Mikey was already taken. You?” They sit down on another crate next to him.

“MD-8178, no name to speak of.” He can feel the processing speed of his hack dropping, but he’s still confident he’ll finish before they land.

“Oh, well that’s odd. I would’ve thought an omnic like you would definitely have a name! You’re so--” Macky waves their hands in some incomprehensible gesture.

“Yes…?” He pushes a few more processors back into the hack.

“Pretty! You’re very pretty.” The other fidgets as they waits for a response.

… What? “What?” Yes, he was made to have an overall pleasant appearance, but… what?

Macky takes the opening to chatter away, and Jörmungandr takes the opening to push the hack even harder. It only takes half the flight - ten minutes, embarrassingly easy on so-called security equipment - and Macky doesn’t pause except to stutter, which is impressive on its own. If they were organic, Jörmungandr imagines they’d be entirely pink by now.

He disconnects from the equipment quietly enough and settles in, letting the flattering - if strange, honestly, how long has this omnic been watching him? - white noise wash over him for the remainder of the trip.

***

When the transport touches down on base, they’re immediately offloaded onto trucks heading for their destinations. To his joy, the security equipment is coming with him and Macky isn’t. Small mercies. The other omnics are all slated for the commissary and base exchange. Macky waves from the truck, Jörmungandr pretends to miss it.

The ride to the hospital is uneventful, his first day only marginally more so. He gets a tour of the facility with a dozen new human staffers, and as a bonus, the groups stops are long enough for him to scan nearly every new port design he sees.

Occasionally, they’ll pass a room where someone - usually a male, he notices - is loudly disputing the necessity of an exam, and it seems like every other hallway is populated with at least one walking mountain.

One of the new humans asks for the group after they pass the fifth monolith on legs, their voice vibrating and full of excitement, “Are those the Crusaders?!”

Their guide laughs, “Yes they are! This base is the staging area for most of their strikes, and as such has the largest contingent in Europe. You’re very likely going to meet several of our local heroes throughout your time here…”

MD tunes them out after that, reeling just a little. These are the Crusaders?? They’re massive! He wasn’t aware humans could get so… so… big. Most of them are the size of small bastions, for Maker’s sake. He keeps glancing at the ones they pass, moving his head as little as possible. He’s already considered tall by most standards, but these humans dwarf him altogether. He might be able to lift one or two of the smaller ones - 90kg qualifying as small, Maker help him - but he’s really not sure, and feels no urge to test this.

He stays very close to the group after that, no desire to give the great brutes whatever excuse they’d need to crush his core. He can practically feel the impact of the hammer already, looking at those arms. No, he’s not planning on giving them any reason to even look at him.

At the end of the tour, the group he’s in is back in the hospital lobby, and the humans are being sent to their quarters somewhere else on base. MD gets shown to a room in another wing of the hospital where he’ll be staying, on site, with three other omnics. There are just as many frills here as at the camp, but at least there’s a door, and a bed for each omnic.

‘Congratulations to me, I’m now living in the ‘civilised’ bare minimum.’

The mattress is pitifully thin, but after his last living arrangements, he supposes this is several steps up. Or, to be more specific, about 40cm. He sits down on what seems to be the only unclaimed bunk, going by the small baubles he’s just noticing: a string of multi-colored lights looped through the slats of the upper bunk across from him, various scarves wrapped around the bars at the head of another bunk, a pair of decorative pillows on the last, and a few small plants on the windowsill. All attempts at self comfort.

Small duffels are tucked into corners, likely filled with whatever clothes his new roommates have somehow acquired, and he wonders what is even the point of an omnic getting dressed. He thinks of Ozzie’s orange shirt, Robin’s dress… he was even reluctant to part with his trousers after a while, which still confuses the sparks out of him. It was two tubes of plain fabric sewn together. Clothes have no purpose for an omnic except to make humans more comfortable around them. So why do they bother with it?

He stretches out on his new bed and settles in to recharge; he starts ‘work’ tomorrow. He’ll think more on it another day.

[hello-dolly]

(2) and she just looked at me and asked me one simple question. How old are your parents? I answered her, not really getting where she was going. She then told me, simply "They're responsible for their own lives, and you're responsible for your own and only your own until the point where you decide you want to have a kid. Then you'll be responsible for the kid as well." I disagreed with her, telling her that my parents drag me into their issues even when I try to stay away and she rebutted me

(3) She just smiled and said something along the lines of “Live your own life. When they see you’re doing your own thing, being happy, living your own life, they’ll start changing as well.” I didn’t trust her, tbh. I felt like I’ve always been there for my parents so they were used to me being there to listen and comfort and whatnot. I had some deeper issues so it took me a while to get on my own two feet where I don’t just jump up to help them whenever they come whining. I just started doing it

(4) And let me tell you, in the beginning it’s so hard. So hard to not just fix their issues when you know you could. But I realised that they can actually ix them, too. I just made them too much used to me being the one to fix them so they got spoiled by me. I fucking managed to spoil my parents, ridiculous, eh? But the more I’ve become independent in the way where I just listen without reacting and letting them deal with it all while I deal with my shit, they actually started getting better.

(5) It took me so damn long, though. So long to finally sever the damn phantom umbilical cord. I know how overwhelmed you must feel with parents who look to you for help, I know you must feel responsible for them in so many ways, but I just want to let you know it’ll get better. You’ll get better. And I say that because, and this was the hardest lesson I had to learn, the only person you can truly change is you. Others change as a reaction to your change, like a tidal wave. Take care of yourself

(6) Love yourself because you’re so damn lovable. And don’t put your life on any kind of pause or slow it down for others, because it will only harm you in the long run. On the other hand, you living your best life at the pace that is comfortable to you will inspire others to do the same. It does sound cheesy, but it’s proven many times to be true. If you need someone to talk to or talk AT, just message me, whenever you feel like it, okay? Be good to yourself!

I thank you kindly for your thoughtful advice, and I hear you completely.  Although it looks like tumblr ate the first part of this ask, I’m pretty sure I got the gist of the situation.  I thank you for sharing, and hope you do not mind that I am responding to this publicly, but I feel the need to make my own response public to see if there is anyone out there with the knowledge and advice that might help me more specifically.  In response:

These are strategies I’ve tried to reassure myself with for years.  But there are logistics to consider that I frankly need help dealing with, and due to a personal lack of finances, I am unable to seek professional help to help me answer these questions.

On my dad’s end, he will eventually learn to stop bringing me into his personal life on this level.  In part he does still emotionally lean on me because I’ve always been the only person that knew how to understand my mother and calm her down.  He discusses this with me to vent and also seek my guidance because we have always needed to respond very carefully as to not escalate the situation.  (On the other hand, he also communicates these issues with me to warn me of what the situation is, because I am always the next person my mother will contact if she is in a foul mood.)  My mother still had a lot of financial control and could put a lot of things at risk intentionally if we did not respond in a desired way.  Consequently, her actions would then affect the entire family, regardless of my involvement.  Losing our home is not something we can afford to go through right now, and this greatest thing at stake from my father’s end, until the divorce is settled.

Now, we have my mother who suffers severely from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is in need of intensive care.  I agree with you, that this shouldn’t be my responsibility.  But here is the reality of the situation; my mother is 60 years old, jobless (she lost 5 jobs in just one year), she is unable to maintain a job due to both mental health issues and physical health issues. She is in thousands of dollars of debt from medical bills, and a couple thousand from credit cards.  Her boyfriend (who seems to have recently left her) was their only source of income, and since he’s only on disability himself, there was never much money around.  She will be filing for bankruptcy this year because there are no other available options.

My mother is still covered under my father’s health insurance because their divorce has not been legalized yet. ��However, she only has until the end of March before that health insurance is canceled.  The insurance however is a complete joke because our family is very poor and we cannot afford a lower deductible, so until we spend out $3500 in medical fees (money we do not have), we don’t qualify for much benefits.  To just see a general family doctor, our co-pays are $100 and up.  My mother who has no income other than the money I (had) been supplying her with, cannot afford to go to the doctor.  For over a year now, she has stopped taking all of her anti-depressant medications, mood stabilizers, sleeping aids, etc.  Recently, she has not had the money to pay for her other on-going medications for both hypertension and Diabetes type II.  She’s become very physically ill and her IBS has been affecting her daily life to an extreme.  However, with all of these things in mind, be aware that her doctor denied her his recommendation for disability when we asked.

I did take her to a social worker and we have applied to get her food stamps, cash assistance, and a medical card.  We have not yet heard back to see if she has been accepted for any of these government aids, and because we live in the bankrupt state of Illinois, I am weary of both how long it will take for her receive a response, and what her chances are of qualifying at all since her divorce from my father is not final.  (The divorce which we literally do not have money to afford at the moment.  My dad already had to take out money against his 401k to pay 5 missing house payments so that the bank would not start foreclosure. Which in turn, my mother then stole the money that he intended to use to pay off those bills, and used it to buy crack cocaine for herself.  She’s become an ongoing addict.)

My mother is literally at the point of being evicted from her trailer by her own sister.  Her boyfriend has left her, and he was the one that paid for all the utilities.  Knowing what I know about the health care system, I don’t think she will be quickly approved (if at all) for permanent Social Security Disability because it is rarely passed for people with Mental Illness, and her physical ailments are deemed curable as long as she has the money to afford the medications.  My mother has no other family members but myself and my younger brother.  I’m not at this moment allowing myself to consider the idea of letting her become homeless or forcing her to live in a women’s shelter where her health can only further deteriorate.

I would love to walk away from all of this and reassure myself that my mother will learn to change and that she will eventually be able to take care of herself.  However, at this moment, I know that she is entirely mentally and financially incapable of doing any of those things.  She’s been extremely suicidal and it’s taken every ounce of energy that I have to convince her that these problems are still manageable and there is hope that things will be better.

I love my mother despite all these issues because I understand how severe the disorder is, as I am a victim of it myself.  In a few weeks she will have no other option but to move to another state to live with me, since I am the only family she has that will take her in.  Opening my home to her means opening her to my care, and taking her on as a full-time responsibility.  I still do not have the money to get her the therapy and medical help that she needs; I don’t even have the money to afford it for myself.

I have no idea what to do, but I just cannot with good conscience walk away knowing that she will be left either homeless or to commit suicide.  I do not want these responsibilities, and I do want to live my own life, but it seems like my only way to live is to find a way to accommodate her life first until she is actually capable of doing it herself.  Most unfortunately to all of this is that I have no assistance myself.  I need help finding solutions, but I have no one to ask, and I have no connections to help me get things active.  As I mentioned before, I also suffer from BPD and anxiety, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to find solutions to her problems when I don’t have anyone first helping me to solve my own. 

I am truly and devastatingly in need of help that results in active decision making that will produce tangible results.  I need to be productive and make sure these situations don’t escalate even further than they already have, but I just have absolutely no idea where to go or how to make those changes happen.  I am not just frustrated with the situation, but also with myself, and I am endlessly terrified, but I simply know that doing nothing and walking away for my own benefit will result in consequences that I am not ready to live with. 

If anyone has any advice for what to do in the state of these circumstances, I am willing to learn and find a way to take action ASAP.