#tsip fluff

[bonesandchalamet]

a glimpse of summer - j.fisher

part two

masterlist

pairing: Jeremiah fisher x fem!reader

warnings: some anxious thoughts + fluff + minor grammatical errors

a/n: ahhh season 2’s official trailer dropped and I’m sooo excited!

the cool air was finally lifting over cousins beach. the warmer days were approaching, the sun was shining, and the nights lasted longer. summer was coming.

these months before school was over always lasted the longest. the anticipation for cannonballs in the pool, parties on the beach, staying out until dawn, and you. your arrival was his favorite moment of the whole summer, and your departure is his least favorite.

things were different from before. you looked at each other much differently than you used to, and you caught on to his long stares and quick glances. what would this summer hold? was he still into you? the questions are exciting, but they don’t change how much time holds in between each other, before his arms could finally wrap around you.

—

the sound of the car parking, the doors slamming, it jerks him awake from his slumber. the clock reads 9am, and he knows by the smell of the ocean, the whistling of the wind from the beach, you’re here. the torturous months of waiting and debating on picking up his phone were finally over. he could see you again.

his feet quickly descend down the stairs, brushing past his mother, the gravel crunches beneath him as he moves to the passenger side lifting you into his arms.

“what a welcome.” you chuckle feeling your feet finally hit the ground. you pull away, those caramel colored curls still bounce in front of his eyes, his pearly white smile still spreads to his angelic eyes. nothing has changed about how the way he makes you feel, and the distance certainly hasn’t had any affect on him either.

“don’t say you didn’t want that.” he challenges, and he has a point. he can see you’ve been waiting for this too, you’ve been counting those nights and hours until you were in cousins beach once again. it’s just that this time you were counting those days and nights to see him, not just for the smell of the ocean, the sand between your toes. rather, his lips against yours, holding your hand in secrecy, the late night laughter you shared. it was all the things you looked forward to most. the scenery just so happened to be background noise now.

“we have to unpack.” your mother interrupts, and while she doesn’t want to, she’d rather share a glass of wine with her best friend than gag over young love.

you blush in slight embarrassment, she had to listen the whole car ride was your antsy finger tapping and anxious radio channel surfing. she knows Jeremiah fisher was all you had been waiting for since you left.

“I’ll help you unpack.” he grabs your bags in the back, the same bright yellow Vera Bradley pattern you’ve had since you were kid, enters his vision. he remembers when his mother gifted you that for your birthday, the smile on your face was irreplaceable. he couldn’t wait to give you your birthday gift this summer.

“she always overpacks, you think you can carry that?” your mother struggles to pull the bag out of the trunk, but he’s much stronger, taking the bag over his shoulder and grabbing anything extra that he could.

“how many clothes you bring this year?” he drops the bag at the end of your bed, instantly collapsing on the mattress he’s sure he’ll spend many nights in. he’d watched his mom set your room up last weekend, her excitement for your arrival was always uncontrollable. the weekend before your arrival signified that summer was here.

“just enough for every month.” you join him on the bed, faces turned towards each other, your smiles couldn’t be wiped. he takes his hand, wrapping his fingers around the back of your neck, pulling you closer for his lips to just brush yours.

“here’s to the next three months.”

read part two here

[wisteria-beach]

☆ Welcome to the beach ☆

Welcome to the blog! Here’s a couple of things about me/general blog rules

MASTERLIST

I’m Rosie (if you know my old blog you’ll notice this is a new alias and a name I’ve always loved I hope it’s not too confusing!)

I’m 20 & a Leo ♌️

I write (mostly) x reader fan fiction for the following fandoms: OBX, Harry Potter (marauders era & occasionally Theo Nott), TSIP, TVD, Stranger Things, Marvel & Bridgerton

Characters I write for

Fic recommendation blog: @wisteria-beach-reads

Come talk to me about music, books, fandoms or anything you like I don’t bite I promise! Always open to asks

Please be respectful of each other! Spread love not hate

I write fluff, smut, angst, hurt comfort etc but smut is only for 18+ readers and will be labelled as such

☆ ☆ ☆

[brokenjere]

strangers again (c.f)

synopsis: REQUEST - Can i request something too?

For Conrad x reader

Enemies to lovers/Friends to lovers

But reader is sick and Conrad taking care of her

Jeremiah’s name lights up on her phone next to her head, making her eyes hurt even behind her eyelids. She answers it with a groan and Jeremiah’s laugh cuts clear through it. “Whoa, you sound horrific,” he says. “Where are you?” She pulls her phone away from her head to check the time. She’s late. She’s been dozing in and out of sleep all day, trying to clear the headache that’s been forming in her brain. It was getting so bad, she started to feel nauseous and had to turn off all the lights. She didn’t even think to call Jeremiah and tell her she wasn’t going to be at the party. 

“I’m sorry, J. I have a migraine. I’m feeling really sick, I’m not gonna make it,” she tells him. He sighs on the other side of the phone. It didn’t say I’m annoyed at you, it said that really sucks. 

“Do you need me to come tend to you, little baby?” He asks as a joke but she can’t laugh. Jeremiah is a good friend to Yn. He always has been. She tells him no. “You sure? I can bring some Midol, and get you some ice-cold water. Lay with you while the lights are all off and pluck my eyelashes out from boredom?” 

“I’m okay, Jere.” 

“I’ll send Conrad, okay? He’s not coming.” 

She quickly tells him no. She says it so many times Jeremiah laughs. “I’m serious. No.” The last thing that would fix her headache was Conrad Fisher but Jeremiah insisted so firmly, she conceded. She doesn’t have the energy to argue. “He can’t stay,” she says. 

“Okay. I’ll send him over and I’ll see you tomorrow if you feel better?” 

“Yes, I’ll see you tomorrow.” They hang up the phone and she closes her eyes again. She sees Conrad’s face with a red aurora around it. They used to be friends, her and Conrad, but now she would do anything to stay as far away from him as possible which sometimes proved difficult considering he was her best friend's brother but she still tried. She’d dodge him at the house whenever he entered the room, claiming a full bladder or that she needed to go home. Jeremiah let her pretend and never says anything to her. He still tried though like he knew something she didn’t. 

She hears the front door open and shut and a voice calling out for her. Despite it being distorted and uiet, she knows it’s Conrad. She doesn’t speak because it hurts and lets him find his way to her bedroom. He flicks on the light and she throws the covers over her head in defense. “What the fuck is your problem?” She curses under the covers. 

“What are you cussing at me for?” Conrad asks. She hears a plastic bag rustling and it makes her temples ache. 

“Didn’t Jeremiah tell you I have a migraine? Why would you turn the lights on like that? And would you please stop fucking moving that bag around?!” She flips the blanket off of her head. Her eyes sQuint at the bright light above her head and she tries to focus them on what’s going on around her. He’s standing by her bedroom door with a grocery bag in his hand filled with God knows what. He’s smiling like he enjoys seeing her this way and she grimaces at him. 

“Sorry, didn’t know I was walking into a hornet’s nest,” he quips. She narrows her eyes, no longer having to uint and he walks toward her. “Are you going to be nice and let me take care of you or is this a drop-and-go operation?” 

“I’d prefer if you dropped and left,” she tells him. He pouts and she thinks it’s fake but when he sets the bag down on the bed and doesn’t open it, she wonders if he really does want to stay. And that pisses her off. “What do you have to prove?” She asks. 

“What do you mean by that?” He furrows his eyebrows but doesn’t look at her. He pulls out a bottle of ibuprofen and cold water bottles and set them on the bed. Yn could feel the cold through her blanket. 

“You don’t need to sit here and take care of me, you know? I can do it myself.” 

“Lord knows that’s true,” he mumbles under his breath. He pulls out an almond Hershey bar. Her favorite chocolate. She tries not to think about it. 

“What does that mean?” 

“You’re allowed to make snippy, inconspicuous comments but I’m not?” He finally looks at her, throwing down a rag he took from her kitchen. It hits her leg and she glances between that and his face. It’s twisted in frustration. “I don’t have to mean anything by what I’m saying.” 

“But you do mean something by it. You always mean something.” 

Conrad scoffs and crumbles up the bag making her wince. She curls back up in her bed and kicks the stuff he put on the bed to the floor. He laughs but it’s not a happy laugh. He’s mad and she feels good that she made him feel that way. “You really are a piece of work, aren’t you?” She doesn’t want to but she peeks over her shoulder to see him bending down and collecting the stuff off the floor. She looks away before he can catch her. “I can’t believe Jeremiah still puts up with this shit.” 

“He doesn’t put up with anything,” she mumbles. She closes her eyes and squeezes them shut so tightly to block out the lights he still hasn’t turned off. “He wants to be my friend. Just because you don’t doesn’t mean that other people agree with you.” 

She can feel a fight coming on. One that she’s been trying to avoid for months and that, right now, she does not have the energy to participate in. Conrad opens the ibuprofen and shakes a few out into his hand. “Can you take some of these?” He asks her quietly. When she opens her eyes, his palm is outspread in front of her face with three white pills inside. “I have water.” 

“I don’t want that right now.” 

“Don’t be stubborn.” She groans and sits up against her pillows, snatching the pills

out of his palm. He twists open the cap of the water and hands it to her once she pops the medicine onto her tongue. He watches her intently as she washes them down. “Good job.” She rolls her eyes at him and sinks back down into the bed. “Who said I didn’t want to be your friend?” His voice is softer now with a level of concern she hasn’t heard from him in a while. 

“You did, remember? When you told me not to talk to you anymore?” He doesn’t pretend to not remember. He just nods his head and sits on the corner of her bed as far away from her as possible. She was sure if he touched her she’d recoil away from him so she’s grateful he doesn’t make her do that. 

“You know why I said that,” he whispers. He looks down at his lap and picks at the loose fabric on his sweatpants. She didn’t notice them before now. They’re ratty and old and she doesn’t remember ever seeing them before but it makes her wonder if he ran out of the house before getting ready. 

“I don’t,” she says. “And can you please shut off the fucking light?” Conrad laughs a little bit. It’s a laugh that comes from deep inside his gut. It’s the kind of laugh Yn used to crave to hear and now it makes her stomach hurt. 

When the light is off, instead of sitting back down on the bed, Conrad grabs the rag and bottle of water. He gets it wet and asks her if it’s okay if he puts it on her forehead. “The cold might make you feel better,” he suggests. She nods her head and then says yes aloud when she realizes he couldn’t see her. He sits closer to her now, his hip pushing against her side. She doesn’t recoil away from him but she notices it more than she should. 

They don’t speak to each other as he presses the rag to her head but she can hear him breathing. She can feel his hand shaking. Her lips get dry and as the water drips down the side of her face, she feels like crying and she’s not really sure why. She wishes Jeremiah was here instead. She wouldn’t be so worried about his hip against her body. She wouldn’t be thinking about his hand shaking and wondering why it was shaking. Jeremiah’s hand wouldn’t be shaking at all. He was sure. He was so sure all the time it was why he was her rock. Conrad was never sure. That was why she couldn’t be around him. He made her feel uneasy. 

When the rag gets too warm to be helpful, he puts it on her side table and dries the water off her forehead with his shirt sleeve. “How are you feeling?” He asks. 

“Fine, I guess. Thanks.” 

“Can I tell you something?” 

“If you have to,” she says. She doesn’t mean to be rude but the talking made her head worse and if she didn’t have to, she didn’t want to. “Sorry,” she mumbles. 

“I asked Jeremiah if I could come over,” he admits. She wishes she could see him but she knows that the fact they were in the dark and couldn’t see each other was the reason he just told her that. It was the reason they weren’t at each other’s throats right now. It didn’t feel real. “I wanted to take care of you.” 

“Why?” Her voice cracks and her heart starts to race. She swears he can feel it in his legs from all the way in her stomach. Her nerves ran that deep. 

“You know why…” He trails off. 

“You keep saying that I know but I don’t. I don’t know anything. You, Conrad Fisher,

have always been an enigma to me.” Their entire relationship had been on the Conrad timeline. They spoke when he wanted to, hung out when he wanted to, and didn’t speak when he got in his moods. He was hot and cold and she just wanted to be there until it became too much. She know nothing when it comes to him. 

The sensation of his hip pressing into her side changed to his thigh. The heat from his body went from the side of her to on top of her and when he speaks, his voice is closer than it was before. “I want to take care of you because I love you. I can’t talk to you because I love you and I can’t love you. You know I can’t love you.” 

Her head is pounding but her heart is pounding harder and instead of worrying about the pain in her temple, she grabs his face and kisses him. He kisses her back like he’s been waiting for this moment his entire life. He leans into her, pressing his hands into the pillows on the side of her head as he deepens the kiss. He kisses her so hard, she forgets she’s in pain. 

When he pulls away, her lips tingle and she presses her fingers to them. They’re wet and hot and she feels herself smile. “Are you okay?” He whispers to her. He puts his forehead against hers and she imagines him sucking the migraine out of her head. She nods. “Do you still hate me?” 

She doesn’t answer right away. She puts her fingers to his face and feels for his lips. They’re stretched out in a smile and he kisses the tips of her fingers. She can feel his cheeks are hot and she trails her nail down to his jawline gently. She wants to remember how he feels in case she can never touch him again. “I never hated you, Conrad.”

[bienready2122]

Baby Convertible Car Seat Reviews - Britax Marathon Versus Britax Boulevard TSIP

Britax vehicle seat is getting well known in today commercial center, and numerous guardians do propose that it is an incredible brand to consider for your infant ultra marathon training plan As there are various models, we have picked the most mainstream ones for correlations...

Britax Marathon is a tough convertible vehicle seat that assists with keeping the child sheltered and make sure about in the vehicle. It can hold the infant from 5 to 35 pounds (back confronting) and 20 to 65 pounds (front oriented). The wellbeing configuration incorporates the five point tackle with licensed HUGS (Harness Ultra Guard) framework. Simple to-utilize press button highlight permits guardians to discharge the LATCH connectors effectively and rapidly. It additionally has the E.P.S. what's more, comfort froth for security and solace purposes. When all is said in done, this is a top of the line convertible vehicle seat that suggest by most guardians.

The disadvantages are the accompanying:

1. There is a round piece between the youngster ' s legs zone where the base tackle clasps and guardians need to haul it out to get the clasp. You could take it off in the event that it disturbs you.

2. The Velcro on the sides is utilized to make sure about the unused lash which is one of the extraordinary highlights; notwithstanding, when the ties are on the more drawn out side or if its pulled out a little, the ties are never again coordinate with the Velcro pieces and in result, the scratchy Velcro will fluff up the texture on the seat.

3. Try not to get the safety belt too firmly through the clasp since it will handily break as certain clients do whines on this.

4. Indeed, even it proposes that the vehicle seat is appropriate to youngster as much as 65 pounds, yet numerous clients whine this can't case.

Britax Boulevard T.S.I.P Convertible Car Seat is reasonable for baby from 5 to 35 pounds (back confronting) and 20 to 65 pounds (front oriented). It has a unique structure named "Genuine Side Impact Protection" with head backing and it could shield the kid from side effect crashes. The simple turn handle configuration permits guardians to alter the headrest and bridle tallness without any problem. The five point tangle free outfit gives a safe fit and the top notch press button LATCH connectors give a speedy and secure establishment. One of a kind highlights right now additionally including: the licensed V.e.r.s.a-Tether for vitality the board, and back and front oriented lean back for youngster comfort and a body cushion for situating.

The disadvantages are the accompanying:

1. This model probably won't well fitted to a wide range of vehicles, consequently, you have to twofold affirmed with the sales rep before getting it

2. The center tie that goes between the youngster's leg with the clasp is somewhat short

3. There is no head support for infant; along these lines, you may need to purchase something to help bolster the kid when the individual in question nods off.

4. Guardians do gripe that the leaned back confronting is awkward to infants and you may need to observe on this. Be that as it may, the front aligned has no issue with it.

These two sorts of Britax Convertible Car Seats really have their own points of interest and inconveniences, and so as to choose which one is better than the other, it is all relies upon what highlights you are searching for. The two of them do have high appraisals from numerous purchasers; in this way, it is currently your own assurance to choose which one is the best one for your child and family.

[brokenjere]

bad in the bones (c.f) part 5

a/n: hey guys, sorry about the long wait i know I’ve been inactive lately I just moved states so I’ve been busy and trying to get back into the swing of my normal life so I haven’t been writing so much lately but i will continue to update dont worry! Hope you enjoy💛💛💛 id love to know your thoughts!

catch up here

Mallory’s name flashes on the screen over a picture of her smiling, red-faced and blurry. Her hair is plastered to her face with sweat and she was holding up a beer. I remember taking the photo our sophomore year. It was our first high school party and she went a little overboard but I remember thinking how pretty she looked, even as completely wasted as she was. “Hello?” I pick up. Mallory always texted me before she called, mostly because she hated being on the phone and tried to avoid it and I know something is wrong as soon as she speaks.

“Hey,” she sings softly. “How’s it going?” 

“Hey,” she sings softly. “How’s it going?” 

“What’s wrong?” I sit up, scooting my butt all the way to the back of the lounge chair. Belly, who was absent-mindedly watching the boys in the water is now fully alert to me. I can feel her eyes watching me.  

“Oh nothing,” she dismisses. I can almost see her waving me off like she always did. “Just wondering if you found your new summer beau yet.” 

“Why?” I ask cautiously. Mallory laughs and I can hear some people chatting in the background, although I can’t really make it out. “Where are you?” 

“I’m at the pool with the girls,” she says. The girls meaning Victoria and Betty who we have been friends with since middle school. It has always been Mallory and I, but the girls were always good to have around but if Tori and Betty were around that means Josh and his friends were around and that made my stomach drop. 

“Is Josh there?” I ask. Now, Belly’s eyebrows shot up and she mouths Josh? I nod my head as Mallory confirms over the phone. “What happened? Why are you calling?” 

She’s silent on the other side and I wait for her to speak. I hear Josh’s laugh in the background and I want to throw up. I could recognize that laugh anywhere. It could wake me out of the deepest sleep. I could almost see him - head thrown back as a laugh escapes through his teeth. How his curly hair falls back against his forehead. I shut my eyes to try and get rid of the image. “He’s been seeing someone,” she finally whispers. “Her name is-”

“I don’t want to know her name,” I snap at her without meaning to. Belly’s eyes widen even more if that’s possible and the boys stop throwing their volleyball around and they’re all staring at me. Everything is quiet except for my heavy breathing. “How long?” 

“I don’t know,” she says. “Since you left, I think.” 

“Well, you can tell Josh that I’ve been seeing someone, too.” I don’t know why I lie. I never lie to Mallory and everyone sitting around me knows it’s not true but I still say it. I still confirm it when Mallory asks me really? 

“Who are you hooking up with?” Belly whispers next to me, her hands are already on the arm rest of my chair and she’s ready to shake the answer out of me. I shake my head at her with narrow eyes and she seems disappointed as she leans back in her own chair, arms crossed over her chest like a little kid pouting. 

“I gotta go, okay?” I tell Mallory as she’s blabbering on about Josh’s new girlfriend and how he’s only with her to make me jealous and not to worry. She says there’s no way she compares to you. I tell her thanks for letting me know and hang up the phone. “What are you all staring at?” I say to the boys as the door to the house slides closed. I didn’t even hear it open. 

“Nothing,” Steven says, shaking his head vigorously. He throws the ball in the air and hits it to Jeremiah. “Nothing at all, yn.” The ball hitting the water next to Jeremiah knocks his attention away from me and he grabs it. “Come on, Jere.” I look down at my lap and start to hear the ball bouncing back and forth again. I no longer feel a bunch of eyes on me. 

“What’s gotten into you?” Conrad asks from behind me. His hands are on the back of my chair and he’s leaning forward toward me with a smirk on his face. His voice is teasing but the energy in the air is tense. I can’t speak and I don’t know why. 

“She just found out that Josh has a new girlfriend so she lied about having a new boyfriend just to seem even,” Belly says. I snap my head to her with widened eyes and she recoils in her chair. “Sorry, that’s what happened.” 

“He’s an ass. Don’t let him get to you,” Conrad says. He’s trying to be nice and supportive and I can see that when I look at him but it just pisses me off so I stand up and push past him into the house. I can hear them all talking through the shut glass door but I ignore it. I ignore Laurel and Susannah calling after me in the kitchen and I ignore Laurel as she follows me to the base of the stairs. I shut the door to my bedroom and throw myself on the bed. 

I stay in my room until it gets dark out. No one bothered me except Laurel asking me if I want dinner. When I told her no she said, “I heard about what happened today. Do you want to talk about it?” I told her no again and she sighed on the other side of the door but then disappeared for the rest of the night. When the sun goes down and the house gets quiet, I tip-toe out of my bedroom. All of the doors are shut and there’s not a single sound in the house. I turn on the lights in the kitchen and start raiding the kitchen. I could leave. Take Laurel’s car and go to the corner store that we stopped at on our way in and buy a bottle of vodka and drink the entire thing in the car but I don’t want to leave the house so I open all the bottom cabinets until I find some. The bottle feels heavy and expensive and I start to feel guilty but I unscrew the top anyway and drink from the mouth. 

“Susannah would kill you if she found you.” I startle and the mouth misses my lips just a little bit getting a little vodka on my chin. I wipe it away as I turn around. Steven is standing in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe with a smirk on his face. He’s probably reveling in the fact that he’s not the most fucked up Conklin in the house. I can see him picturing my demise in his eyes as I look at him. 

“Good thing she’s asleep, right?” I say. He shrugs and holds out his hand and I give him what he wants. “No plans tonight?” 

He shakes his head before taking a drink from the bottle. “No one was really in the mood, I guess. Plus you’ve been MIA all day.”

“Wasn’t in the mood either.” I push myself up on the countertop, taking the bottle back when Steven hands it to me. 

“Listen to me, yn. Josh is an idiot, you know? I’ve known him for years. I told Belly when you first started dating it was a bad idea but-” 

“You did?” My heart rate picks up and Steven looks at me wide-eyed. “She never told me you said that.” 

“She probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings. He’s just an asshole, okay? Always has been.” He’s being quiet, I assume so he doesn’t wake up the rest of the house but there’s also a hint of something else in his voice. Sadness, regret, pity. It makes my stomach churn. 

“Why didn’t you say something to me? Instead of Belly? You let me get into a relationship with him for years and never said anything.” Steven shushes me and steps closer to where I’m sitting. “Don’t tell me to be uiet.”

“I didn’t tell you to be quiet but people are sleeping. Why are you so mad?” I shake my head and my hands tighten around the edge of the counter so hard my knuckles turn white. Steven looks at them and then looks away. “It’s not like he’s a serial cheater or something, he’s just a shitty guy sometimes. Always has been but he was good to you, at least he seemed to be from where I was standing.” 

“He was good to me,” I state. I’m not sure how much I believe that. Deep down, I think I do but the memories of the last few months with Josh taint the bigger picture. All I see are his furious eyes as we fight about what to wear to senior prom instead of when they’re soft and he’s loving me. I hear his voice strained with guilt when he tells me that he wants to see other people instead of how he sounds when he first wakes up. I thought he was just being a teenage boy. Trying to get out of being tied down in his early twenties. Maybe he was telling me the truth. He wanted to see someone else. Whoever he has his arm around at the pool this summer. I hope she gets him to wear sunscreen because I never did. “He just didn’t want to go to Columbia, okay? It wasn’t that big of a deal.”

“So you broke up  because of college?” Steven sounds skeptical and I nod despite knowing he doesn’t believe me. “Then why is he already seeing someone else?”

“Do you have to bring that up?” 

“It’s relevant, isn’t it?” We stare at each other. I can hear my own heart beating in my throat and I tell her to shut up but it doesn’t work. 

“Was my whole relationship just a lie?” I whisper, my voice cracking. “Did he ever love me at all?” Before I start to cry, Steven closes the gap between us and he hugs me so tight that the sound of my heart gets muffled with the sound of his. He whispers in my ear telling me yes he did, I know he did but I don’t believe him. He tells me it’s okay. It’ll get better. I will find someone new. I think I’m really about to start crying when my phone rings. I reach for it and see his name on the caller ID. Steven sees it too and I try to ask him what to do with my eyes but he doesn’t know me like Belly does, so he doesn’t answer me. 

“I’ll let you deal with that,” he says and leaves me alone in the kitchen. I grab the bottle of vodka and slide open my phone as I start up the stairs. Steven’s door closes just as I reach the top and I whisper a hello as I walk down the hall. 

“Yn.” His voice verberates through my entire body. I feel like I’m watching myself instead of being inside of my own body. He always had that effect on me. “I heard Mallory called you.” 

“She did.” The words didn’t seem to come out right at all. They get caught in my throat and come out all mangled but Josh doesn’t seem to react. 

“She told me you were seeing someone.” There’s no noise in the background wherever he’s at and I picture him in his room with the curtains drawn and the only light coming from his gaming keyboard he spent way too much money on for the amount he uses it. I can see him laying on his bed, legs crossed and outstretched in front of him. I used to lay next to him, my head by his feet, as I read. He’d be on his phone or playing video games and his toes would tap my shoulder making me look back at him and he would blow me a kiss. I’d pretend to catch it and throw it in the pages. “To keep forever,” I would say. That memory aches at me now. 

“She told me you were.” He clears his throat and I keep going. “Who is she? Do I know her?” I have to know her, right? She had to have went to school with us. Maybe it was Holly Eaton from our history class. She was always looking at him. 

“It’s not important.” 

“Is she going to community college with you?” The spite in my voice is hard to hide and I think Josh picks up on it because he lets out a breathy laugh. 

“Who said I’m going to community college?”

“Well you’re not going to Columbia, are you?” 

“And you are?” He snaps. “I heard you got wait-listed.” My heart stops like I’m riding in a car that comes to a sudden stop too close to the intersection and your entire body is jerked in and out of reality. 

“Who told you that?” I say through my teeth. I only told one person that so that question seems irrelevant but I want him to say it. But he won’t. He just sighs. 

“Yn, I didn’t call to fight.” 

“Then why did you call?” I ask. 

“Because if it’s true, if you’re really seeing someone-” I scoff. If it’s true. He pretends not to notice. “I just want him to treat you right, okay? I really did love you. I do love you. More than you know, I think. And if things had ended better, I would hope that we’d have found our way back to each other one day.” If things had ended better? I’m uiet. He ended things. He made them bad, didn’t he? Wasn’t it his fault? “I still think we might, you know? It was always you and me. I never doubted that. There’s just so much out there, yn. So much. You’ll thank me one day for this, I think.” 

“Thank you? For what? Breaking my heart?” I want to be mad. I want to sound mad. I want to spit so much fire though the phone that it burns the beard he’d been trying to grow all year right off. But I don’t sound mad. I’m quiet and I realize I’m crying. 

“No. For forcing you to get out of your comfort zone. I know you pretend to be big and tough and wild like your mom but you like to be safe in your bubble and that bubble was me. You deserve to know more.” He’s being sincere. I can hear it in his voice. I want to crawl in his bed under his covers and inhale his scent. I want him to love me again because I don’t know if I can ever stop loving him. “Her name is Kennedy and it’s not real. I lied. I was pretending in front of Mal.” 

“You lied?” 

“Mhm,” he hums. I can hear his smile. “Goodnight, yn. Have a good summer.” The line dies and starts to beep in my ear. I leave it there, the lingering of his voice in my ear because it’s all I have left besides my anger. But the anger is gone, isn’t it? I don’t feel it so heavy in my chest anymore. It’s more like a dull roar that’s leaving it’s mark in my body. In a deep hibernation. Until next time. But then I remember Columbia and Mallory and the beans being spilled so I remove the phone from the side of my head and I text her. Did you tell Josh about Columbia??? 

Being sad about Josh had been getting old. I spent too many nights in bed, crying. Mallory told me to just move on already but she didn’t know I had got rejected by Columbia that same week. She didn’t know the rejection letter was in the waste basket under my desk, rotting just like me. So I told her and her face softened once more and she let me wallow for a few more weeks until I started to look too rough maybe you should get up and shower and leave the house.

She’s the only person I ever told. Not my mother, not Laurel, not Belly. I would have to tell them eventually but right now everything was already too dark there was no reason to shut the curtains, too. 

No! Her reply text reads. And then another one: I told Betty tho :/

I don’t bother replying. I lock my phone and throw it on the bed. Betty, who had the biggest mouth out of anyone in our class. Betty, who thrived off of other people’s misery. Betty, who ran and told Josh that my life was crumbling down around me in the wake of him. I want to scream but I shut my eyes instead and picture her head inflating with all the gossip she eats and popping off of her neck. When I open them, blood is splattered on the walls and there’s a knock at the door. I go to open the door and the walls are white again. 

Conrad stands in the doorway, leaning against the frame similarly to how Steven stood only a few minutes ago in the kitchen. He looks like he was asleep. He has bags under his eyes and his hair was messy and he’s looking down at me in a way that makes me feel uneasy. “What are you doing here?” I ask quietly. 

“I heard you come up and then I heard you talking on the phone. Are you okay? It’s late.” He doesn’t give any indication that he heard what was being said but he was living next door, so he may have. I just nod my head and pull the door open a little more, inviting him inside. He doesn’t speak but accepts my offer by walking inside and I close the door behind him. “I don’t know what happened earlier, at the pool,” he starts, “but I’m sorry. He’s a jerk.” 

I nod my head again even though I’m not so sure I believe that anymore. “I’m fine.” 

Conrad spins around the room. His eyes search for any changes that I’ve made, which aren’t really any. I left everything the way that it was except for my small collection of books on the dresser and my clothes on my floor. “What are you reading right now?” He asks, nodding toward the stack. 

“Moby Dick,” I tell him. “Cliche, I know.”

“Just a little pretentious,” he teases and I actually laugh. “I’ve read it a few times myself,” he admits. He uses his finger to flip open the front cover and he traces the lines of the title page before finding my bookmark and opening it up. I’m a little over halfway through, but truth be told, I hadn’t paid attention to the last hundred words. It’s hard to really focus on anything these days. “Do you want to go on our boat tomorrow morning, maybe?” 

He’s still looking at the book and I watch his back move up and down as he breathes. He doesn’t turn around to look at me until I say, “yeah. I’d love to.” His mouth stretches across his face in a smile. 

“You won’t be too afraid?” His eyes narrow and I laugh, shaking my head. “Okay, good. I’ll knock around 5? Watch the sunset?” His words turn up in question and I tell him that’s perfect and he smiles wider and steps toward me. He leans down, his breath hitting my ear. “Get some sleep.” When he walks past me, his shoulders brush mine gently and I can’t stop myself from reaching down and catching his wrist before he gets too far away. His body spins around to face me and we crash together harder than I anticipated. It knocks the wind out of me but Conrad’s hands steady me. They grab my waist and hold me stable even when my entire body shivers as we make eye contact. “What?” 

I let out a shaky breath and I think about Josh. About how it felt the first time we kissed: exhilarating, powerful, real, and hot. Every atom of my body felt like it was on fire but right now I feel calm. Like a cloud that’s swimming through the sky slowly but too fast all at the same time. As I lean in now, I don’t feel a fire in my bones. They feel like jello. They feel like they’re floating. “Are you sure?” He asks me and I nod without thinking and instead of pulling away like I should have, I kiss him. I kiss him long and hard with my fingers in his hair and his pressed into my hips and when he pulls away again, to ask me one more time, I have to stop myself.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m so fucking sorry.” My shaky hands go to my lips as I stagger away from him. The look on his face is hard to decipher but it’s painful, nonetheless. “I don’t know why I did that. It wasn’t fair.” What I meant was it wasn’t fair to him because I still loved Josh. It wasn’t fair to me because I still loved Josh. It wasn’t fair to Belly because she still loved Conrad, didn’t she? The guilt is what pushed him away. 

“It’s okay,” he says. He’s trying to find an answer in my face that he won’t be able to find and he reaches for my hand. I let him grab it. “It’s okay. I’ll come to get you in the morning, alright?” He squeezes my hand and I nod and watch him leave. I stare at the back of the door until his bedroom door closes behind him.

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[brokenjere]

bad in the bones (c.f) (part 7)

catch up here

I’m trying to sleep but the birds are too loud and the sun is shining too brightly. Then, there’s a knock at my door so I groan and yell at whoever it is to come in. It’s Belly. I can smell the sea salt from her hair before I open my eyes. She’s smiling at me like she knows something but I play dumb and ask her, “what?” 

She sits on the end of my bed with her legs tucked under her butt and she shrugs. “Nothing but you were gone all morning and now you’re sleeping like you’ve been up all day.” I look at her under my lashes and don’t reply. We just look at each other. Her: expectantly and patiently and me: stubborn to a fault. “What were you up to?” 

“Nothing, just couldn’t sleep so I went for a walk,” I lie. 

“That’s weird because Conrad said the same thing.” 

“I don’t know what Conrad is doing,” I lie again. My palms aren’t sweating and I don’t think I’m breaking eye contact and maybe I’m a good liar. 

“I think he was with Nicole,” she tells me. I raise one eyebrow, something that I was taught in my two months of acting school when my mom went through a phase of wanting to make me famous. It’s the one skill I’ve retained. “She was at the bonfire, remember?” I did remember. The Red Sox girl. The familiar girl. 

“Why would he have been with her?” I ask. Even though I know Conrad wasn’t with her, the fact that Belly thinks he was, hits nerve deep inside my bones and I’m not sure why. 

“Nicole is my deb ball big sister,” she tells me quietly like we’re whispering secrets in the back of the classroom. “She won’t stop talking about him. Asking me if I think he likes her because he’s so hot and cold. It takes everything in me not to freak out on her.” 

Belly shakes her head and lets out a laugh like Conrad liking Nicole was the craziest thing she’s ever heard and despite the fact that she’s been running around town with Cam the whale watcher, she still likes Conrad. She will always like Conrad and Conrad will always have the familiar girl. The little sister. The girl who doesn’t matter when summer ends. 

“I thought you were into Cam now?” I can’t help the sharpness in my tone when I say this but she doesn’t notice. 

Belly blushes at his name and shrugs her shoulders. She plays with the hem of her jean shorts to keep her distracted. “I am but Conrad will always be,” she pauses. Conrad. She shakes away the last word. “Anyway, why can’t you sleep? Is it Josh? Steven told me he called.” 

I’m grateful for the subject change and dig further into the conversation, even though I really don’t want to. Anything to not talk about Belly liking Conrad. Anything to not talk about Conrad, period. “He did, yeah. He told me he wasn’t seeing anyone and Mallory lied. He told me he loved me still.” 

Belly’s eyes widen and she leans forward, putting all her weight on her hands. Her palms are pressed into the mattress creating a crater for all my sleep sweat to fall into. “What did you say? Do you still love him, too?” 

“It’s not that simple,” I tell her. 

“Of course it is,” she says. Her childlike ignorance is sometimes admirable. There was a time when I would agree with her. That it was that simple but now, I’m not so sure. I shake my head and she shakes hers but we’re shaking them for different reasons and then I feel like crying. “I watched you cry for weeks over him. Yn, I have never seen you so devastated and now, he’s saying he loves you. How can you ignore that?” 

I can’t help being angry with her. I can’t stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. I did cry over him for weeks. I wailed on the bathroom floor because he left me and I was alone and there was no one to hear me cry which is why ignoring it was the only option. “Because Belly, he left me.”

“Sometimes people do bad things for good reasons. If you love someone, can’t you forgive almost anything? I know if Conrad did that I-” She pauses because I sit up abruptly and get out bed. She pauses because I wipe my face so aggressively I’m sure there were some tears that landed in her lap. She pauses because she didn’t mean to say Conrad’s name. I can see it in her doe eyes. I can see it in her reddened cheeks. “What’s wrong? I thought this is what you wanted?” 

If you asked me before this summer, I would have said yes but now, all of it makes my head hurt. “I wanted to go to Columbia with Josh and be together like we used to,” I tell her. She looks at me like that’s exactly what she said but she doesn’t get it. She will never get it. I was a raging hurricane and she was the sun shinning so brightly that you forget it’s storming. “He broke up with me and I didn’t get into Columbia and it will never be the same. Ever again. That’s why I can’t sleep. I am never enough.” 

Her eyes soften and maybe she does get it, maybe she can understand and I underestimated her. She is my best friend, after all. My family. My blood, sweat, and tears. Maybe she will see. “Yn,” she coos and then I’m mad again. “None of that means you’re not good enough.” 

“My own mother doesn’t want to be around me, Belly. Do you get that? Columbia was what we’ve worked for. All the extracurriculars. All the afterschool classes. All the failed attempts to learn a new craft. It was all to get into a good school so I didn’t end up like her: chasing rich men around the world to fill the void. And I failed.” I didn’t mean to start yelling, but once I stopped, I noticed how loud I had been. I lick the salty tears off my chapped lips and there’s too much space between me and Belly. I silently beg her to not close the gap but she does anyway. She hugs me and I loosely wrap my arms around her. 

“You didn’t fail. You’re not going to end up like her.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

She pulls away and holds me at arm's length and smiles. She’s actually smiling and nodding her head and she says: “yes. I do.” And because she’s Belly and she’s looking at me not like I’m a hurricane but like I’m the rainbow that comes long after it stops, I believe her. I believe her because when we watch high school football games she always knows which team is going to win. I believe her because when I the tooth fairy for her in middle school, she looked at me with unwavering belief and told me of course he’s real, you silly goose and the next time I lost a tooth there was fairy dust on my pillow when I woke up. I believe her because even when Mallory let me down, Belly was still there. I believe her because she is all that I have. 

+++ 

I didn’t want to invite her. Truthfully, I’m still mad at her for spilling the beans about the Columbia but Belly said she was inviting Taylor for the Fourth of July so I felt obligated to invite Mallory. She seemed excited when I called and asked which made me feel bad for giving her the cold shoulder the last two weeks but not even the hottest of summer suns could make me feel warm and fuzzy inside right now. 

I haven’t heard from Josh since that night and I’ve been avoiding Conrad like the plague and I think he can tell. I catch him staring at me from across the dinner table and he stops paying attention during the water volleyball matches because he’s watching me read my book and I pretend not to notice but I do notice because when he’s not watching me, I’m watching him but Belly loves him so I can not. Sometimes, when it’s late at night, I swear I can hear him whispering my name on the other side of my wall. He’s calling for me and I ignore him. 

I did well for a while. I waited for him to leave before coming downstairs and I went to bed early to avoid running into him in the hallway and showered in the middle night. I did well, never being alone with him, until I didn’t. 

“Isn’t it a little late for you to be sneaking a snack?” His voice came from behind the fridge door. I had a handful of shredded cheese looming over my open mouth, a few pieces falling onto the floor. He laughed. “I was wondering where all the cheese was going.” 

I shoved whatever I had in my hand into my mouth and swallowed it as quickly as I could before closing up the refrigerator. “Sorry,” I mumbled. He shook his head, telling me I don’t need to be sorry and then I tried to go back to bed but his hand grabbed my wrist and he asked me to stay. “Can’t sleep?” I asked. 

He ventured further into the kitchen, opening up the cabinet that I already knew held all the alcohol. He pulled out a bottle of vodka and waved it at me with a question make drawn on his face. I caved and grabbed the bottle from him. He jumped up on the counter and I somehow found myself in between his legs as I drank straight from the bottle. His fingers brushed mine as he grabbed it from me and we drank in silence, much like how we had lived together in this house. There was something safe in the darkness, though. 

“Why have you been ignoring me?” He asked eventually. “Is it Josh?” 

“So you heard,” I said jokingly, grabbing the bottle. He let me take it without any resistance and he watched me drink from it but I avoided his eyes for as long as I could. I could only imagine that Steven told Jeremiah and Jeremiah told Conrad and I know Belly told Laurel and she told Susanah so maybe he heard it from her, but either way, the entire house knows that Josh is still getting under my skin. “It’s not about Josh.” 

“Then what is it? I thought we were friends.” The word sounded like tar coming out of his mouth. He said it with bitterness and anger but his face didn’t say that. 

“Belly said Nicole’s been asking about you. And Belly, you know she still likes you.” I’m holding the bottle by the neck and spin it around in my fingers. I watch the vodka create a vortex that I wished would suck me in. 

“Yeah, Nicole’s been texting me. I told you why I was with her that night.” Familiar. He put his hand on top of mine and it stopped the spinning. “And I told you I don’t think about Belly that way.” 

I looked up at him and he looked so serious. So sure of himself. So much like the Conrad on the boat that wanted to be with me. The Conrad I turned down. “But she does and that’s the point. Belly is my best friend. I can’t,” I paused. “I just-” 

He took the bottle from me and took a good, long swig. When he was done, he set it down on the counter. I don’t know what to do with my hands and I put them on his thighs. He looked down at me and in the safety net of the darkness, I let him put his arms around me. I let my head rest on his chest and listen to his heartbeat. His heart - that isn’t home to Nicole or Belly. His heart isn’t full for the familiar but that’s beating just for me at this moment. 

I swear I can still hear it in the engine of the bus as it drops off Mallory and Taylor. I can hear it as Jeremiah drives us all in the Jeep back to the house. I can hear it in all their laughter. “What’s going on with you?” Mallory leans closer to me in the backseat and whispers in my ear. “What do you have to be sad about right now?” I know she’s joking but it still stings. 

“I’m just tired, I haven’t been sleeping.” She nods as if she understands and looks beyond me and out the window. “I really am happy you’re here.” This gets a smile out of her and she wraps her arm around my shoulders and hugs me. I hug her back because she’s my best friend and I forget about Columbia. 

Having Mallory here isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. She’s been keeping to herself, indulging in conversation with Belly, Taylor, and Steven, and keeping her hands off Jeremiah. I thought for sure she would have dug her nails into him by now but she hasn’t. And it’s nice. She leans against the side of the pool as I sit with my legs crossed and a book in my lap. Her hair is wet and plastered to her head and she looks up at me with a grin. “Always has a nose in a book, you do.” 

I’m half tempted to shut the book but I don’t. “Not like I can join in on the fun.” She looks back toward the pool. Belly, Taylor, Steven, and Jeremiah start to play chicken, Jeremiah lifting Belly swiftly onto his shoulders. I can see her cheeks redden. Her hands wrestle with Taylors biceps until Taylor crashes into the water. 

“You could join in, you know?” Mallory says. I roll my eyes at her. She knows I won’t even put my feet in the water. “Maybe one day I can change you.” She winks and pushes herself off the wall of the pool until she’s floating on her back. “Where’s the other brother?” She asks. 

I shrug even though she can’t see me. I look around the backyard but I don’t even remember seeing him inside, so I don’t know if he’s even home. Nicole comes to mind. I see her face in my mind and then I see her for real. With my own two eyeballs. She’s here, in the backyard, holding hands with Conrad. “There,” I mumble.

Mallory kicks herself upright and looks toward the entrance of the backyard. The two of them walk hand in hand toward the pool. “Are you guys playing chicken?” She asks. Her tone is condescending and rude and Belly gets flustered because of course, Nicole is a deb. Belly falls off Jeremiah’s shoulders and suggests they play volleyball instead. Nicole still refuses to join and Conrad, without saying a word, sits down on the edge of the pool with his legs under the water. Nicole sits down next to him and they settle down next to each other like an old couple that has done this forever. He doesn’t look at me. 

“Who’s that?” Mallory asks. Her disgust is showing. 

“Nicole.” 

She glances over at me and then does a double take, her eyes narrowing on me the second time. “What did she do to you?” She’s joking but I shake my head. I can feel every muscle in my body tense because he told me he didn’t like her so why is he holding her hand? Why is he whsispering in her ear? Why is he laughing at her jokes and not fucking looking at me? “No wonder Belly’s obsessed with him,” Mallory comments. “He’s hot.” 

I look down at her and she’s devouring him with her eyes and I wish she had dug her nails into Jeremiah. Belly’s watching him, too and now I feel like a groupie. Three to one. And then it’s two to one because a volleyball flies across the pool and lands on Nicole’s head. She grabs her head in her hands and yelps out in pain. Taylor. She shrugs and calls out, “sorry, ball splipped.” She loves her best friend so she threw a ball at the girl holding his attention. That girl could have been me. Belly loves Conrad and her best friend threw a ball at Nicole’s head and maybe I could love Conrad, too, and my best friend is looking at him like she wants to jump his bones behind the bushes. 

I can hear Conrad asking her if she wants to go inside. I have ice in there. Frozen peas. Anything so it doesn’t swell. She shakes her head. Are you sure? She nods. Nicole. She walks away. He looks at all of us and he’s so embarrassed that he goes inside. “I’ll be right back,” Mallory says as she pulls herself out of the water. She’s shedding water as she walks to the lounge chairs and grabs a towel. She barely dries herself off before she goes inside and the entire time her eyes don’t leave Conrad's trail and she's too distracted to hear me tell her not to go. 

I get up and follow her. No one really notices because they all went back to their game and I sneak in the kitchen and follow the wet footsteps through the house. They’re in the living room. I peek my head around the corner and Conrad is sitting on the couch and Mallory is looming over him like a giant with her lanky, tan legs and noodly arms. I hate her right now. 

“That was kind of shitty of Taylor, right?” She says, laughing. I put my back to the wall and I can’t see them but I can hear them. I always know when Mallory is flirting and I can hear it in her voice when she says, “are you and Nicole a thing or?” 

“No. She’s just a friend,” he tells her. They’re quiet for a moment and then Mallory speaks again: “well are you seeing anyone?” 

“Why? You interested?” His response is quick and sharp and he doesn’t mean are you interested because so am I and I smile. 

“Maybe,” she sings. I can almost picture her wet hair twisting around her finger. 

“Too bad.” I hear the couch squeak and I dart for the back door before anyone can see me. I follow her wet footsteps again and I think I can make it. My hand is on the doorknob but then he says, “didn’t anyone tell you it was rude to eavesdrop?” I feel my heart racing inside of my chest and all I pray is that Mallory didn’t hear him. I turn around and he’s smiling. He’s not mad. He winks at me, puts his finger to his lips and shushes me. Our little secret. I thank him with my eyes and will that he hears me before pushing open the back door and occupying my spot on the deck. 

Belly notices me and swims over to me. “Is he pissed?” She asks. “Taylor shouldn’t have done that.” I shrug and tell her I just went to get some water and didn’t see him and she looks at me suspiciously but she lets it go when Mallory comes storming out of the house. 

“He’s such an ass,” she huffs and sits down beside me. She pouts like a toddler. “What do you even see in him?” Her question is directed to Belly but my cheeks get hot anyway and I look away so neither of them see. 

Belly stammers on her words and can’t get out a sentence before Mallory tells her she doesn’t really care and storms back into the house leaving a giant, wet imprint of her ass on the cement. 

+++ 

Susannah takes the Fourth of July very, very seriously. I was told this in advance but the reality of it was much worse than I anticipated. She dressed the entire house up with red, white, and blue decorations and she spent all day slaving away over a cake that’s been sitting out all day but it’s not time yet she tells anyone who asks to cut it. 

Belly invited all of her Deb ball friends and they come too dressed up. Shayla’s wearing a fascinator for Christ’s sake but when I make this comment to Steven, he tells me to lay off. “Because you love her,” I remind him. He blushes and tells me no he doesn’t but I can tell he does. Shayla’s a nice girl. I’m just grumpy and she’s wearing a hat to a pool party and it pisses me off. 

I was surprised to see Nicole show her face and even more surprised to see her and Conrad canoodling in the pool. Familiar. He pushes her hair behind her ear and whispers something in it. And I shove a grape so hard in my mouth I choke on it. “Hey, slow down,” Laurel tells me. She takes the bowl of grapes away from me and puts her hand on my shoulder and I relax a little. “What’s wrong?” 

“Everything is wrong. Look at all these people,” I say, waving my hands around at everyone. Everyone is wearing dresses and fancy shirts and back home we’d all be too wasted to wear fancy clothes and Susannah made too much food and spent too much time for something that was going to go to shit when the sun went down but I don’t say these things. “It’s just pretentious.” 

Laurel laughs and I think she understands. She knows what it’s like not having all this money and struggling unlike everyone else here but she can’t say that either. “Why aren’t you with the kids?” 

“They’re pretentious, too.” 

“You know, Belly really wants to be a Deb,” she says softly. It was the first time I heard her sound supportive of the entire thing so I let her talk. “Maybe just let her have this moment. It’ll be over soon and then you’ll have your Belly back.” 

I look at my aunt and she’s smiling because she gets it. She gets all of it. She always has and I hug her. She squeezes me back and I steal another grape from the confiscated bowl. “The ball isn't really the problem,” I tell her. I want to tell her everything about Josh and Conrad and Belly and Mallory but no one has ever taken my side before so why would she start now? She asks me to tell her what’s going on and I tell her, “nothing I can’t get over.” She smooths my hair back and kisses my forehead and I take a grape for the road.

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[brokenjere]

bad in the bones (c.f) part 6

a/n: hey guys! Hope you enjoy! Lmk what you think and if u wanna be added to the taglist so you’re notified when i update!

catch up here

Conrad's quiet music accompanies us on our drive to the pier. It wasn’t too far from the house, I remember seeing it as we drove into town only a few days before. It’s cliche, but it really does feel like it was forever ago that we arrived. Forever ago when I didn’t know Conrad existed, Josh was still the asshole that left me, and I was doomed to a summer alone with the prospect of Columbia spinning down the garbage disposal. Now, I’m sitting in the car with a boy that I kissed less than 12 hours ago and Josh still loves me and I can’t help but wonder if I still love him but my hand pulls towards Conrad’s as it dangles off the end of the middle console of the car. Maybe one day we’ll find ourselves back to each other. 

Conrad’s quiet music accompanies us on our drive to the pier. It wasn’t too far from the house, I remember seeing it as we drove into town only a few days before. It’s cliche, but it really does feel like it was forever ago that we arrived. Forever ago when I didn’t know Conrad existed, Josh was still the asshole that left me, and I was doomed to a summer alone with the prospect of Columbia spinning down the garbage disposal. Now, I’m sitting in the car with a boy that I kissed less than 12 hours ago and Josh still loves me and I can’t help but wonder if I still love him but my hand pulls towards Conrad’s as it dangles off the end of the middle console of the car. Maybe one day we’ll find ourselves back to each other. 

Conrad’s quiet music accompanies us on our drive to the pier. It wasn’t too far from the house, I remember seeing it as we drove into town only a few days before. It’s cliche, but it really does feel like it was forever ago that we arrived. Forever ago when I didn’t know Conrad existed, Josh was still the asshole that left me, and I was doomed to a summer alone with the prospect of Columbia spinning down the garbage disposal. Now, I’m sitting in the car with a boy that I kissed less than 12 hours ago and Josh still loves me and I can’t help but wonder if I still love him but my hand pulls towards Conrad’s as it dangles off the end of the middle console of the car. Maybe one day we’ll find ourselves back to each other. 

“So, what is this boat’s name?” I ask. I need to talk to get out of my head. I need him to talk so I don’t hear Josh’s voice telling me that he loves me. 

“Well,” he laughs as if there’s a story here. Hopefully a very long one that makes his voice sound familiar and like background noise I could listen to forever. That’s what I need right now. Someone to talk and talk until their breath runs out. “My sailing boat’s name is the Unsinkable.” 

“How come?” Where’s the story? There’s always a story. 

“Remember when you told me you were afraid of the water?” I nod. “Well, when I was really young I used to be afraid of boats. My dad always wanted on and when we were young, he actually built one with me and Jeremiah. I was too scared to get on it and he always told me it was unsinkable.” He smiles to himself. I wish I could see the scene play out in his mind. “I don’t know how true that is, but.” He shrugs his shoulders and the fond smile washes away from his face. “That was a long time ago.” 

“So how come that boat isn’t named the Unsinkable?” I ask. 

“Jeremiah wanted to call it Shark Bait.” I laugh. Loud. Conrad glances over at my from the driver’s seat and can’t help but laugh, too. “It’s still docked at this pier. We just never use it. It’s not a good boat.” 

“It floats?” I ask. My cheeks hurt because now I’m smiling and I feel like I can’t stop. Conrad nods and says yeah of course it floats like it was obvious and I reply: “Then it’s a good boat.” 

He gives me a grateful smile. His eyes tell me that no one has ever told him that before and maybe no one has had the chance to tell him. Belly always told me that Conrad didn’t get along with his dad very much. That lately they’ve been fighting but he sounded fond of him just now and I didn’t want to crush that. I know what it’s like to find fleeting moments of love for your parents. “I didn’t know that Adam ever came during the summer. Besides the Fourth. At least, that’s what Belly has always told me,” I say. I hate that I say it but I’m curious and I hate that I’m curious. Summer was for the girls and the kids, she used to tell me. She’d beam so bright it would knock out the sun while she talked about it, carefully picking out each piece of clothing. For Conrad. I look back out the window at the ocean as it passes by. Guilt. That’s what I’m feeling. 

“He usually doesn’t. It was when we were young and I think they were going through a hard time so she let him come up for the first month. It was the first and only time he spent more than a weekend in Cousins and I don’t think my mom liked it very much. Jeremiah has fond memories of that summer, though.”

“And you?” 

“I remember him yelling at us a lot because we were doing stuff wrong. I remember him pushing me to get on it even after I told him I was scared and then I remember getting over it and then him yelling at me whenever I took it out without his permission. We only took it on the water once that summer.” His voice is quiet like he’s telling me a secret and I wonder how many people know this story. “I guess I can thank him for helping me get over that fear. Wouldn’t be sailing today without it, right?” He turns up the end of his mouth trying to lighten the mood but it feels heavy between us right now. 

“Have you taken it out since?” I ask him as he turns the corner down a gravel road. Further down the street is the pier with only a few cars in the parking lot. A couple of boats have their lights on, other people getting ready to watch the sunset I assume and there’s a small store with an OPEN sign flashing in the window and a sign that reads FRESH BAIT. 

“Yeah, I do occasionally. It’s not much of an ocean boat, really. But it does the job.” He pulls into a parking spot and shuts off the ignition. “We’re here.” He turns off the car and we sit in the jarring silence. The birds are awake, I notice. 

I feel like I need to say something. Something to even out this conversation even though he didn’t ask for it and instead of getting out of the car, I say, “my mom used to yell at me, too. Whenever she’d sign me up for some new class or enroll me in some new sport. She’d always tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough but my body wasn’t build for basketball, you know?” I let out a choked laugh and Conrad laughs through his nose. “She’d yell at me for anything and everything and that’s why I always quit. Because I thought she’d stop yelling at me but she’d just find something new. I think she was projecting.” I don’t want to look over at him but I feel his eyes on me. 

“Why are you telling this?” I can’t tell if his voice is quiet because he’s whispering or if because it got too quiet too quickly and his voice just sounds louder in the silence of the ocean. 

“Because you told me about your dad.” I finally look at him. He doesn’t look at me with pity like most people do when I tell them about my mom. He just looks like he understands. “And I want you to know that I understand.” I pause, swallow my tears, and continue. “I understand what it’s like to not really like your parent.” 

His mouth twitches and I think he wants to smile but he doesn’t. He clears his throat and nods and that’s the end of the conversation. I let out of a sigh of relief. “Are you ready to go?” He asks eventually and I nod. 

He gets out of the car and opens up the backseat, grabbing a picnic basket and a blanket. “What’s all that?” I ask suspiciously, cocking my head to the side and raising my eyebrows. Conrad blushes and shoves the picnic basket in my direction, motioning me to grab it. I wrap my hands around the handle and it hits my hip bone. 

“Don’t make it a big deal,” he says as he starts to walk down the parking lot toward the wooden pier. I can’t help but laugh as I follow him and I can see him shaking his head at me. He stops at the fourth boat, a beautiful white sailboat with white seats and navy blue trim. The Unsinkable. He raises his eyebrows at me, asking for my approval of the boat. I nod and smile. 

“Where’s Shark Bait?” I ask. He smiles wide and nods further down the pier. My eyes travel along the boats all docked in a row until I see a small, wooden boat at the very end. It seems extra small in comparison to the sailboats but I can see its name painted on the side. 

  Conrad gets on the boat, making it rock on the water. My eyes follow the waves that crash on the sides of the boat and I feel a shiver run up my spin.“Come on,” he tells me. I don’t look up at him. I can’t. I know the water isn’t that deep, it can’t be. But the pier feels less sturdy than it did a few minutes ago. You okay?” He asks me, making me look up. I nod my head but I can’t speak. “Come here, give me the basket.” He reaches out to me and I hand it over. With my hands free, I don’t know what to do with them. I wring out my fingers and pick at my nail. Conrad sets the basket down and reaches out again. “Come here.” 

I put my hand in his and his fingers wrap around my hand. He counts to 3 and then hoists me up onto the boat. I close my eyes as he pulls me over the water. Even when both feet are planted on the floor and I no longer feel the boat moving, I don’t open my eyes. Conrad puts his hands on my shoulders and he rubs them up and down causing a wave of heat to spread down my arms. “Look at me,” he coaxes. I do as he asks and see nothing but concern on his face. Concern for me. 

“I’m okay,” I say. He doesn’t seem to believe me and holds my eye contact for a few more moments before he lets go of me. I look around and try not to think about all the many ways this boat could sink. I sit down as close to the pier as I can and grip the sides of the boat. 

“I thought you said that being on a boat would be fine,” he teases. I narrow my eyes at him and tap my toe against his leg. He smiles at me and nods toward the pier. “Help me untie this stuff, okay?” I nod, grateful for a distraction from the water. I lean over the side of the boat to see where he’s pointing at and I see a black floaty hitting the side of the boat. “We have to untie this from the pier, see?” I follow the rope to the dock where it’s attached to a metal post. “I use a knot called a bowline to tie it,” he tells me as he undoes the tie. The boat floats away from the dock a little bit, the front of the boat pointing toward the sea. 

I follow him down the boat as he heads toward the rear and he asks me, “you wanna undo this one?” 

“I don’t know how,” I say. 

“You, the child prodigy, don’t know how to untie a bowtie?” I narrow my eyes at him and brush him off, making him laugh. It’s a sound I want to hear over and over again. I realize that I want to make him laugh again. “Come on, I’ll teach you.” 

He starts to undo the tie until it’s loose, then he makes me do it. I hold the knot in my head and go under and over whenever he tells me to until it’s just two pieces of rope. “I did it!” 

“You did it!” His hands grab my waist, turning me away from the pier to look at him. He’s smiling and his fingers dig gently into my skin. “Not so bad, huh?” He asks. I shake my head and he lets go of me too soon. He sits down in the driver's seat, turning on the lights at the front of the boat and turning on the motor. The light illuminates the water in a way that the moon can’t. It makes it brighter, sweeter. I can almost taste it. 

He tells me to sit down so I do and he starts driving the boat out into the water. The shakiness doesn’t bother me anymore and it’s not that bad as he drives. I just look up at the sky instead of down below. I can feel his eyes on me. They’re burning a hole in the side of my head and my lips twitch as I try not to smile. 

“Where are we going?” I ask him mostly to give my mouth something to do other than what they want to do. 

“I have a spot,” he says. I raise my eyebrows at him but he doesn’t look at me, he just continues to drive the boat. We drive until we’re surrounded by nothing but water and the darkness. It was starting to get light out, like a soft grey washing over the ocean. Conrad stopped driving so we were just floating idily in the water. It’s not so bad when I don’t look at it. He spins himself around in his chair to face me, our knees hitting. He doesn’t move them. “Is this your spot?” I ask him. 

“Okay, so I don’t have a spot. But there’s a perfectly clear view of the sky for the sunrise.” He opens his arms up at the sky. I can see the sun peeking its head out over the water line. 

“Do you bring all the girls here?” I tease. Conrad moves to sit down next to me and he slings his arm over my shoulders. I immediately regret the question. I look up at him and he’s so close to me, I can see every imperfection in his skin. The stubble that’s beginning to grow on his chin. He smiles and shakes his head. When he looks at me, nothing else seems to matter. My mind goes uiet. Columbia doesn’t exist. My mom is a mom. Josh is still an asshole. Nothing is confusing. 

“There are no other girls.” 

“Other?” I raise my eyebrows. “Meaning there’s one?” He shrugs as if that’s an answer. Of course there’s one. “Who says there’s one.” I’m trying to be coy. Tease him and make him think that I don’t want him because I can’t want him. 

“You kissed me last night, if you remember.” He glances at me out of the corner of his eye. His fingers dance along my arm as it lays across my shoulders. He’s smiling because he thinks I’m playing a game. 

“I remember. But I can’t be your girl,” I tell him. He hides his pain well, if he felt any. I try to hide my guilt just as well but it bubbles up inside of my throat. We’ll find our way back to each other. “We’re friends okay? We have to just be friends.” I love you, more than you know. 

“Why?” He sounds so sure of himself. Like there was never a single question about wether or not I would be his girl after that kiss. Like it was inconcievable that I would ever tell him no. “Tell me why not.” He turns to face me. His arm leaves my shoulders and his hands grab mine. 

I could think of one reason why not: Josh. Then, reason number two popped into my head: a brunette, brown eyed, bright smiled reason. Belly. I didn’t say these things, though. I kept them to myself. No matter how soft his eyes got and how hard they pleaded with mine, I had to keep my mouth shut. “I just got dumped. That wouldn’t be fair, would it? To you.” That wasn’t too far from the truth, was it?

He seems to consider this as his face turns golden from the sun. I looked out on the horizon and tried to pretend his hands weren’t hot against my skin. He leans back against the seat and he lets go of my hand. I want to lean my head against his shoulder but I don’t let myself. He doesn’t give me the chance to, anyway, because he leans forward and grabs the picnic basket that he brought onboard. “What’s in there?” I finally ask. 

He pulls out two bottles of orange juice, a container of grapes, and two breakfast sandwiches. “Because you didn’t like the muffins.” He winks playfully at me. They’re still hot and I thank him as I unwrap it. “I went out early and picked them up.” 

“How much earlier did you get up?” I ask jokingly but Conrad blushes. He shrugs as if to say it’s no big deal but I know the place he got these sandwiches from was a little ways away from the house and he had to still be back in time to pick me up and pack it all, so it must have been early and that fact alone made my heart skip a beat. “This was nice of you,” I tell him. 

“I wanted to make it special.” The guilt retches out of my stomach. It grabs ahold of my heart and squeezes so tightly it explodes inside of my chest. I see the blood rushing out of my nose, my eyes, my ears. The guilt makes me explode from the inside out. I reach out and put my hand on top of his. It’s a selfish thing to do - touch him. I know it is when I see the look on his face: pain, regret, a hopefulness that you know will end in disappointment. 

“Can we be friends?” I ask him. Yes. Yes. Yes. Please say yes. 

“Yeah,” he says. I sigh. He notices. His eyes soften and he picks up a grape, tossing it at me. I laugh as it lands in my laugh. “Yeah, we’re friends.” I pick up the grape and pop it into my mouth, smiling at him like a chipmunk. We eat our breakfast as the run rises. The sky turns from dark blue to golden orange to bright blue and I think to myself: I wouldn’t want to be here with anybody else. 

When the sky is blue and clear, he asks me if I want to learn how to sail and at first I want to tell him no, beg him to take me home, but I nod my head instead. He unties the sail at the front of the boat and hands me a rope. He tells me what it’’s called adn I store it away it in my brain. Jib haylard. He tells me to pull it as tight as I can and I attach it to the anchor on the side of the boat. He does the rest: opening the rest of the sail and adjusting it as needed. He seems so at peace. Like this is exactly where he needs to be. I like watching him be so focused and attentive. He catches me staring at says, “what? There’s a better view over there.” He nods toward the water passing by us. 

“I disagree.”

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[brokenjere]

Can you write a conrad X reader where the reader has PTSD from sex and shuts down during sex and conrad takes care of her

Thanks or the request friend 💛💛💛

She always lets it go too far. She knows she should make him stop. Say it and he will, she knows but when he kisses the base of her neck and trails his hands down her sides she can’t bring herself to say the word stop.

She wants him, she really does. More than anything. She leans into his mouth, eating up every moan that escapes his lips. She rips off his shirt and devours the hunger in his eyes when he looks down at her at one the bed. Helpless. Vulnerable. Spread open just for him. She can feel him pressed against the inside of her thigh and she presses herself against his body. She wants to be as close to him as possible, she really does.

He kisses her lips and then her cheek. It’s gentle because he makes love to her, he doesn’t fuck her. He told her that the first time they got this far. Her panties were down at her knees and she was nearly in tears. He looked like he was a lost puppy. So confused and scared. “I don’t want to be fucked like all the other girls,” she cried to him. He looked down at her, balancing on his fists at either side of her head, and said: “I’m not going to fuck you. I want to make love to you because unlike ‘all the other girls’ I love you.”

She stopped him then, too. She stops him every time because he gets too close. His breathing starts to bother her and she stiffens up like a board and can’t relax again. She let him try to relax her once. He kissed her entire body until he felt her muscles loosen under his lips but when he tried to move forward, she shut down again. She almost wants to give up trying but when his hair falls in front of his eyes and his face his flushed from the heat of the moment, she can’t give up. Pleasing him makes her happy.

He kisses her lips again and then pulls away. She touches the tips of her fingers to the creases in between his furrowed eyebrows and he kisses the palm of her head but still, his expression is filled with concern. “Are you okay?” He asks. She shakes her head. “Talk to me.”

She never really told him what it felt like to want to do something so badly but your body won’t let you. What it’s like to be in a constant battle between your head and your heart. She can’t articulate those words well enough to make him understand, although she knows he would try to. He’d try really hard. He already has tried and that’s what breaks her heart the most: he does everything he can to make her feel better, but how can she make him feel better?

“I don’t want to talk about it, I’m sorry. Can we stop?” He nods but he doesn’t get off of her. She doesn’t ask him to. His presence isn’t what bothers it, it was comes next. The sex. The intimacy. The aftermath. The leaving. “I don’t know when I’ll get better.”

“It’s not about getting better,” he tells her. Wraps a strand of her hair around his finger and she leans against his arm, fighting the urge to cry. “You’ll be ready when you’re ready. I know what happened to you was horrible and hard and I don’t expect you to just get over it or get better.”

He tries to get her to look at him but she can’t. He presses his palm to her cheek and coaxes eye contact out of her but only for a brief moment. “What do you need from me?” He asks.

“Nothing,” she says. And it’s the truth. She doesn’t need anything more from him because he’s already enough. “It’s not you.”

“I love you. I’m not going to do something you don’t want to do or make you do something you’re not ready for. And I’m going to be here when you do decide you’re ready.” She believes him so she just nods and lets him kiss her. She kisses him back and she tells him she loves him without speaking out loud and he tells her he loves her back. When he finally manages to break away from her, he tells her he’s going to be right back. She feels naked, cold, and ashamed while she waits for him but the moment he enters the room again, all of that goes away.

He hands her a cold glass of water and from behind his back, her favorite chocolate bar. “For you.” She smiles and takes it gratefully. He kisses her forehead and lays back down beside her with his arm draped over her middle. “I love you,” he whispers in her ear before placing a kiss on her ear lobe.