#trynna distract myself from todays episode like..........

[nnobara]

genga by りく Ligton

[iwanttobeyourwonderwoman]

Nobody Gives A Shit, Git (7)

So I’m currently on season 3 of Good Trouble on disney+ , and what I like about this show is that they always touch on very different topics, with a bulk focus on diversity. It features a very inclusive cast, focuses on different races and cultures, LGBTQ issues, BLM stories, women empowerment, poverty, current issues, and so much more. 

The reason for this post is mostly because of what was on the episode I was watching today, where one of the main characters, Davia, was dealing with her resurfacing eating disorder. They did talk a lot about body positivity in her story in previous seasons, and it was interesting that they brought this up again after so long, and it really hit me this time. The scenes were about her receiving clothes from a brand partner and her feeling a lot more confident and posting pictures in them because she realised she could fit into a smaller size and also receiving comments on her weight loss and appearance, which made her feel more conscious. She started skipping meals and lying about eating because somehow not eating feels like the solution right? And then she finally came clean about her issues to the guy she was seeing, and he was very supportive of her. It ends with her returning the clothes, once again speaking about how to feel positive in her own body and not basing it on the comments people were giving her.

This one hit hard, because yes although I’ve always had issues with body positivity, it’s always fluctuated. It’s gotten pretty bad recently, since the end of last year. My work schedule and work stress do play a major part in the resurfacing of my eating issues, considering the fact that I was purposely starving myself for large periods during the past 3 months, and then binge-eating my heart out, eating anything that felt like comfort. Now i’m at that stage again, but at least I’m eating during work and not stopping myself from eating because I’d definitely be feeling more depressed.

I’ve also started talking about it with friends a little more as well as reading up a lot more about it, just trynna figure out my own feelings so I can try to not go back to starving myself again. And yes I do talk about body image because I always look at the mirror and I just don’t like the way I look especially with specific body parts that seem to store a little more fat than the rest. And I often talk about how I used to look like 8-10 years ago in the prime of my fitness, and what my body was capable of during that time of being an athlete, versus now, a full time working chef with irregular meal and sleep periods. It’s funny really, I’m a chef with an eating issue. The person who makes food for others and can’t seem to feed herself properly? Yeah, that pretty much is me. I guess I’ve got quite a few friends to thank for constantly checking up on me and making sure i’m eating and trying to distract me from thinking that I will only be worthy if I am skinny. It’s a fucked Uo mindset to have, combined with my working lifestyle and how bad things can get at work which just make me want starve myself to feel some sort of control in my life.

Basically just wanted to touch on this topic, been wanting to write about it for a while but even writing just hasn’t been coming to me naturally recently. 

So I’ve got a lot to think about...

but in the mean time,

a timeline in photos...

They say your teenage years are confusing, and they sure are. You don’t just just skip the awkward teenager phase with all your dumb problems. But as a 15/16 year old I was mostly wearing shorts and printed tops, had no sense of style and was often questioning why I didn’t look like a lot of my friends ( body image issues that relate to the fact that sometimes as an Indian girl just looks different compared to her non Indian friends, like why my hair was so curly and couldn’t be style the same way as theirs) But then again I was in an all girls school and your view on things are very different once you go to a co-ed environment in poly. 

Then I became an athlete starting in 2012. I loved how I looked, no matter how big and tan I was, no matter how much everyone dissed me for looking like that, and somehow it still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t strong enough as an athlete and I was considered small. It was very confusing back then, and yet it was the prime of my fitness, being able to lift such heavy weights, bench pressing my little heart out, I felt good because I was different from the kind of people I didn’t want to be. 18-19 was my prime age, training in the water 3 times a week during school periods and 6 days a week during the holidays. I was around 50-52kg during that time despite being so muscular, and I was considered lightweight so I was using the boat meant for people 55kg and under. 

The challenge here was trying to figure out why I couldn’t build any more muscle or lift heavier weights the way most of my teammates could. That and wondering how come with all the training and weights I did, why I still couldn’t lose fats in a certain area. I was always very conscious about removing my top and just being in my sports bra.

Like I mentioned, I often look back at my life and wonder why I cant be that way again, trynna tell myself that age doesn’t matter and that I should be able to look and physically be that way again. Took me some time to realise things don’t work that way. ..

in 2015, I gave up canoeing (very unwillingly) so that I could focus more on culinary school. thankfully my body was still able to keep up with me and my weekly attempts at exercise to just keep my body moving. I lost my tan, and a good amount of muscle, but I feel like I looked pretty normal during those years. Then once i graduated in 2017 and started working as a full time chef, my weight did fluctuate a lot, getting used to the working hours and meal periods and sleep periods, which did obviously take a toll on my body. not eating throughout the day while working. 

2019, was my whirlwind year. My body was already accustomed to my work lifestyle, but I got very depressed that whole year. I started off January at 54kg, which was considered my average weight, then dropped to 50kg by April. the fact that people noticed it very obviously scared me. I knew I was losing weight but I started hurting a lot more when I received so many comments every week about it. There was a point in time along that year where I was so depressed I was eating 2 meals after midnight within the span of 2 hours just to fill the voids I was feeling. And yet I still wasn’t putting on any extra weight. So that’s how depressed I was, the skinniest I’ve ever been, shown by these 2 photos. 

The pandemic drove us all nuts, and made a lot of us do home workouts and which just made us all crave for the gym even more. Then when things started to slowly open up in 2020, i started a new job where I worked overnight which once again affected my eating times and sleep schedules and as the year got busier and more hectic towards December, I started eating a lot more, snacking a shit load and put on a lot of weight, i actually hit 60kg at one point of time, Seeing 60kg on the scale affected me so much. I didn’t like that I had managed to put on that much weight. so once 2021 came around, I started to workout out a lot more, running a lot and then going back to the gym, managed to build back some muscle and watched my diet on my gym day. It took a lot to convince myself that the number I saw on the scale included muscle mass that I had built over time. But not fitting into my clothes was also driving me crazy

And then when I got the opportunity to move to my current restaurant, it once again took a different toll on my body working insanely long hours and not eating properly because being the opening team of such a busy restaurant is not easy. About 2-3 months in, I had managed to drop to 55kg which made me happy. And I wanted the number to go down, so with being so busy, somehow my ind got accustomed to the fact that I don’t have to eat so much a day. 

Things started getting rough again recently, with so much going on and my head being an absolute mess, insecurities all over the place, my desire to self harm knocking on the door, my friends convincing me not to, all the work stress looming over my head, the constant attachment and abandonment issues creeping around and just being busy overall. I somehow managed to convince myself that eating was an unnecessary part of the day, that eating would make me more stressed and upset and that starving was giving me some form of self control. It’s not healthy, I know, but I was in such a desperate need to feel something, to feel some control. I barely ate, all I did was drink milo/starbucks, basically only eating sugar to keep me going, ignoring my rumbling stomach. And it worked. because my weight dropped to 52.5kg again and I felt some sort of relief. And even though I felt better looking at that as a number, I still looked at my body and didn’t like what I saw. It’s a deadly cycle honestly. I’m so critical towards myself that nothing will ever be enough. And I’m at the stage where i’m just getting by day by day. That’s the goal. Survive the day. Figure things out along the way. As much as it sucks, it is what it is. 

So here’s me at my skinniest i’ve been in a while, just trying to get by day by day. Trying to make sense of things happening around me, trying to fit myself into a chained box when I need to be, and letting myself run wild when I don’t. 

I don’t know. I’ll eventually figure things out. 

Till then, 

Day by day. 

[subjectsilver]

I wish i was mr happy.

here a story for you - i can't see anything because i got drunk and didn't properly close my contact case then i kicked them on the floor while i was sleeping...now I'm blind as fuck because i have only 1 contact left and don't want to wear just one... i asked my mom to send some like a week ago but she didn't so I'm going to be blind until tuesday afternoon....btw  being blind is not fun because what I've learned is that when you can't see you have one less distraction for your thoughts -  laid in bed all day with thoughts of suicide and refused to leave so i didn't hurt myself. eventually it passed as i took a shower and cried for a little

Monday night i had a dream that emma was bragging to me about her next boyfriend and my response was “HA HA tbh i don give a fuck and they shouldn't either (i was pointing at josh and hand)” bc she was bragging about how her life is set and all planned out now and i was like tbh they should be just as disappointed in you as i am for planning out your life because thats not happiness i was like spontaneity  is happiness - and thats not who you are you are spontaneous not this future planner girl - and then she got up and ran to me started crying and hitting me and hugging me and she was like i wanna be with you and i started crying and i was like no i can't do that right now

i woke up sobbing and soaked in sweat

TUESDAY i had a dream that i was on the side of this road in this own wish grass field with my mom and grandma and suddenly josh smith showed up and i distinctly remember him wearing a white shirt with horizontal orange stripes one inch thick and all the trees around me had n leaves and i went to climb one so i could pee off of it and my mom climbed up and pushed me off and i woke up.

i had a second dream that night that was at a are sremmurd concert except it wasn't at a large venue it was some basement looking type place and it was some random artist that was complete trash i went to this board that had facts about the show and i saw that the show was put on by this guy who was famous in history for his tragedies  - so i think the show was suppose to emulate some trash event in history but it as modern day rap and it was god awful.

WEDNESDAY i had a dream that i ate this caesar salad then i couldn't stop spying out lettuce from my mouth....kinda like  how a clown pulls scarves out continuously, i just kept pulling out mouthful sizes of lettuce it was extremely weird, I've never had a dream like it before

this week started off decent but then went downhill tbh.. when I'm not actively doing something to distract me i literally just sit and  my own head until i tilt off the face of the planet. i hate how much i think about dying and death in general i just can't escape the thoughts. there are multiple times a day or a week that i feel so numb and i just want to hurt myself just so i can feel something physically not really sure if it makes a lot of sense but its like an addictive feeling t me...its like a craving like cigarettes like i want to hurt myself so badly sometimes i just want to see myself bleed.

its really sad when i think aboutt it

when you think thoughts in your head i feel like generally its your own voice that you hear your thoughts in and u are consciously generating these thoughts.... sometimes when i get low i hear a voice in my head that ins my own and like it just appears and I'm not really sure if its just there or if I'm generating it..because when i catch it finally it goes away...but whatever it tells me is usually horrible and downs the fuck out of me and tilts me and makes me feel so small.

6 days into taking prozac one or two weeks to go.....havent really been eating - nothing new i have noticed tho that when you're skinny and don't need a lot to fill up you save so much money on food. i bought 2 chippotl bowls and i got 4 meals out of it.

i think that I'm going to try harder to stay away. maybe less snapchat stories - and less soundcloud reposting of songs because like my ex can hate me but for her to actually move soon i feel like i need to just become a memory to her and maybe thats not for e to say but i feel like she wants to move on from me and doesn't like me and even though its the exact opposite of what i want ill try to give her that.

its actually so annoying to type when you can't even see the letters of the keys when ur mac sits 18 inches from your face. i have to pull the laptop super close to my face if i think i made a mistake so i can correct it. even though i literally laid in bed all day i still kinda feel tired...im also trying to get 8 hours of sleep a night bc my mom said it'll make me feel better -  well that and I'm not really trynna have many episodes of forgetting 30 minutes of my life by zoning out into a sleep or day dream.

i had so many thoughts during the week for this moment where i sit down and type it all back to myself but now that I'm sitting ere I'm just kind of drawing a blank.

lief is just crazy for me right now.... its just such a weight on my back and its crushing me and suffocating me and drowning me

when i get down i feel like I'm a completely different person.. when I'm up or even bc I'm never really up killing myself makes zero sense to me...but when I'm really low i feel like its the only thing that makes sense like it is my destiny. 

i laid in bed and watch batman and youtube and listened to hella music toady it was pretty relaxing ig guess except not rule because i was role low and had a ton of anxiety until i started watching batman after i took a hot shower.

my whole family on my dads side is actually in NC right now... they drove thru the city I'm in to go on vacation to the beach...wouldve loved to go to the beach with the little ones but i guess they didn't feel like picking me up or thought i was busy or something, maybe didn't have the room idk.

loose rocks gotta fall its part of the climb...i am a few peoples loose rock and i understand  that as much sense as it doesn't make i can still see where it does. but i need to start my own climb. the thing that gets me is that i feel like if I'm a loose rock to someones life they are a loose rock to mine bc thats not the people i want in my life but i do understand....idk ?fate? ?trial?

that whole paragraph probably didn't even make sene I'm  not rule sure how to convey it and i can't even see what I'm saying so whatever...

oh shit i almost forgot that i watched so many fucking space views today it was crazy dude space is wild and we probably live in a snow globe also the earth is flat.

i hope this week is better than the last. i really do

“every breathe that i inhaled felt like i was trying to push 150 pounds with the movement of my lungs” -cam meekins