#trying to think abt my 2023 and it was like extremely not good at times .. but also i did a lot of things i always wanted to do

[eraiyang]

art vs artist 2023 with almost all zhonglis .. ehehe .. surrounded by my baby girl .. and his clown <3

[watermelonsugacry]

OMG could you imagine harry or yn on hot ones, I feel like yn would kill it(I’m not sure abt harry)😭

HOT ONES

A/N: this was so fun! ty to the lovies that sent in some questions for this one 💚 (picture credits to harianadimples & harianachile !) (4.6k)

GENRE: 1dbandmember!yn

SINCE 2010 masterlist

“Hey, what’s going on everybody. This is First We Feast, I’m Sean Evans, and you’re watching Hot Ones. It’s the show with hot questions and even hotter wings. And today we’re joined by the one and only YN YLN. You might have known her as one sixth of the most famous and influential bands in history, One Direction. She’s a triple threat and an 8 time Grammy award-winning singer, song-writer, musician, and producer and we shouldn’t be surprised if she adds a couple more on her shelf with her new album Waiting Room. The no features, no skip album that’s quickly making its way to the top of the charts. YN, welcome to the show.”

“What a fookin’ intro, man,” YN laughs and plants her hands on the circular table. “Thank yeh for having me on here.”

“The pleasure is all mine. It’s an honor to have you on the show. How are we feeling today?”

“M’actually extremely terrified,” She lets out a chuckle, clasping her hands together as her eyes look over the lineup of spicy wings in front of her.

“About the wings or the questions?”

“It’s half and half for sure.”

“So how are you with spicy foods?”

“M’quite alright with them but m’bit frightened by this gorgeous array of hot sauces here. Like—” YN holds up one of the tiny, glass bottles to the camera. “—this one quite literally has a picture of a bomb on it so,” She raises her hands in defense with a shrug of her shoulders. “Take that as you will.”

...

“Mhm,” YN nods as she licks her lips. “S’quite tasty. I like that one.”

“For the record, I did see that you ate the whole wing. Do you plan on continuing that as we go down the line?”

“I don’t waste food, man,” She smirks as she wipes her hands on the red cloth.

“So let’s start off with before you came into the spotlight. It was revealed that you actually didn’t want to continue singing as a profession when you were younger, but your childhood best friend and later on One Direction band member, Louis Tomlinson, made you audition on the XFactor with him. How did this come to be?”

“He tricked me actually. Louis had told me about how he was able to get an audition for the XFactor and I was super excited for him. Getting a chance like this was all he had talked about when we were growing up. On our way to Manchester—which was like an hour or two away from Doncaster—he told me that he got me an audition too and I was gonna sing in front of the biggest audience ever. The little shit."

"But do you think you would have auditioned if it were on your own terms?" Sean inquires.

"Probably not, if m'being honest," YN shakes her head. "And that honestly me skin crawl. M'very grateful for the path that I went on and that my fans have been giving me the opportunity to continue to do what I love for the past 12 years."

...

Once YN bites off of the last piece of her next wing, she shrugs her shoulders, “These wings are really good. This is easy, bro.”

“I’m just trying to keep up with you,” Seam chuckles before finishing off his piece. “Okay, so let me brag for you for a sec.”

“Alright,” YN lets out a nervous chuckle.

“You have 8, count ‘em, 8, Grammys in the 12 years since you became a solo artist and you have another impressive 8 nominations for the Grammys 2023. One of your many wins is being producer of the year—a category you nominated for the second year in a row—which you said in a Rolling Stones article that it was probably the best award out of everything you’ve ever received in your professional career as an artist. Can you give us some insight into how that became such an important staple on your shelf?”

“Wow,” YN huffs out a smile in disbelief. Her nostrils begin to flare and she can feel the tears threatening to escape her eyes. She feels uncharacteristically embarrassed that she’s suddenly overcome with emotions. “Woah, sorry. I don’t know why I was gonna cry for a second there.”

YN looks up with a chuckle, shimmies in her seat, before she gives a single clap. “Okay, m’good. Yeah I mean, for the first couple of years of my career, I fell in love with what it takes to actually make a song, how to layer instruments and vocals, and the details you can initially glaze over when you first listen to a song. But being the only woman in a music studio full of my male band members, producers, sound engineers, and everyone—it took me a while to be confident enough to speak out about making suggestions in the process of making a song.

I learned so much by just watching in me corner of the room, then I was shown bits and pieces from 1D’s production team. And when I went onto me solo career, I was taken under the wings of kickass producers like Kid Harpoon and Tyler Johnson. Being a woman in this industry—capable of making me own music is a huge accomplishment for me as an artist and for all women who want to break out in a male dominated environment.”

“Continuing the brag streak—”

“Oh, no,” YN smiles behind her red napkin. As confident and narcissistic as she can be, she’s never been one to take a compliment—especially the way in which Sean is just throwing them out there like free candy.

“—your first solo world tour sold out in less than 4 minutes, and your current tour sold out in less than two. How was it like to come into a solo tour after touring with the rest of One Direction five years straight?”

“Well to start off, that statistic is absolutely insane,” YN lets out a laugh. “It was such a big change to do this on my own without the boys by my side on stage. I remember doing a final dress rehearsal the day before me first show and while I sat on stage and just looked out at the massive arena I was in, I began to panic. It wasn’t like I hadn’t performed in that big of a room before but I began to think what if they only bought the tickets because they were so used to the boys? Like, what if they didn’t like just me onstage or the fact that I was doing choreographed dance routines and things like that? But that all changed once I was actually on stage performing. I…I’ve never felt that type of love before.”

...

After YN tosses the bone of her next piece of chicken away and as Sean begins his next question, she stares off to the corner of the table for a second and widens her eyes. Out of nowhere, the spice level has officially been kicked up.

“You’ve also made some impressionable fashion choices that have become a staple in not only your own wardrobe but in the closets of your fanbase. From your frilly shirts from your One Direction days to becoming the female face of Gucci. From your signature 7-inch platform heels to your variety of colorful and textured opera gloves. How important is fashion in your life and how you choose to express yourself?”

YN licks her swollen lips, chuckling a bit from the spice is starting to pick up.

“Fashion wasn’t something I was super passionate about growing up. I wore a lot of dark clothing when I was teenager and when I was in the band I began to wear a lot of shirts and pinks and high heels which was a drastic change for me to say the least. I then went into a lot of changes of like—” YN moves her hand fluidly up and down in a roller coaster motion. “—I was angsty to girly girl to frat girl to comfy to leather. And when I went on this solo journey, I was embracing both a new and older side of me with more pinks and heels but putting a sexier twist to it. And now m’all trousers and blazers but m’still very much figuring out me style. All of my different fashion ‘eras’ define a different chapter of me life and I think that’s such a cool thing about fashion. Clothes don’t wear you, you wear the clothes and when you have that in mind, it can give yeh a big sense of confidence.”

YN can’t help the smile tugging on her lips from her memories of being on stage, “And it’s such an indescribable feeling being on stage for tour and just seeing a sea full of the fans in those long gloves.”

“It has officially become one of many infamous YN YLN trademarks,” Sean points out.

“I guess so,” She laughs along with the host.

...

“We have a segment on our show called Explain That Gram where we do a deep dive on your Instagram and pull interesting photos that need more context.”

“Sounds good, man,” YN nods and she reaches for the hot sauce used for this piece of chicken. "This one has like a lemony taste to it. I like it."

"Well, we have this whole set for you to take home today."

"Shut up," Her eyes widen in excitement. "No way, that's very sweet of yeh. Thank yeh so much, I appreciate that."

When Sean pulls up the first picture on his laptop, YN immediately coos at the screen.

“Wow you guys really went far back, didn’t yeh? Yeah so this was at the band’s third tour, I believe. I remember having such a shitty day earlier before the show and to cheer me up, Harry asked if I could braid his hair,” YN giggles at the memory.

She was going through a rough patch with Matthew and they had an argument right before she had to do some interviews for the day and a show later that night. Knowing how to approach her best, Harry knocked on her dressing room door to see a teary eyed YN wiping her cheeks as quickly as she could. He didn’t ask her why she was crying or try to give her comforting words right away. Instead, he repeated his question when she gave him a furrow of her eyebrows and tilt of her head.

For the last 20 minutes before they had to head backstage, Harry sat on the floor in front of the couch in between her legs. As she twisted and weaved his long hair, he kept her laughing with poor jokes and funny vines he saved on his phone.

She didn’t have time to finish the middle section of his head and when she asked him to sit back down to take the braids out, he refused and basked in the warmth of her smile. He went on stage with them on and he never saw the smile leave her face.

“I had been bugging him to let me do it ever since he decided he wanted to grow his hair out and donate it to charity. It was a very sweet thing he did for me.”

“Hehe,” YN giggles happily at the memory this picture holds for her. She sees her 20-year-old self squished in between Harry and Louis, her Ray Bands over her eyes as she smiles brightly at the camera. “So this looks like 2014 1D and if you’ve seen the footage you can tell that we are—” YN hits a higher pitch as she sings her next words, “High as a fookin’ kite. We were in Brazil and we wanted to go out exploring but there was this massive crowd of fans outside our hotel—”

“Oh, don’t touch your eyes!” Sean quickly reminds YN as she goes to wipe at her eyes.

“Ah! ‘Fank you,” She laughs and dabs at her eyes once someone behind the camera hands her a tissue. “Okay, so there were a lot of fans blocking the front of the hotel and we couldn’t have just merely walked out and got to our cars or anything. I can’t remember who suggested it but we ended up getting out through the back of a bread van. We totally went by unnoticed!”

“We’re going in that?” YN points to the back of the white bread van that’s stuffed with pillows. By the tone of her surprised voice, the hotel workers’ eyes widen, their cheeks get red and they can feel the sweat accumulating on their foreheads in fear. They didn’t want to disappoint and anger a member of the most famous band on the planet. Yet their eyes stay wide for a different reason as YN breaks out into a beaming smile. “Sick!”

She grips onto one of the back doors as she swings herself into the tiny space covered in pillows.

Louis gives one of the hotel workers a reassuring smile and a pat on the chest, “Yeh get used to it. Can I come in and cuddle you, Niall?” He teases as everyone begins to squish in together. Ben Winston is the last to come in and close the door beside him. He’s brought a camera with him to record the trip as it’s going to be a part of the many video diaries that YN can’t keep track of.

“I used to be a baker so I love being in the back of the bread van,” Harry notes like he hasn’t brought up his part-time job from his teenage years before.

“Would you give it a rest, mate,” YN groans from her squished position between him and Louis, giving him a playful roll of her eyes before chuckling along with the rest of the boys. 

“I quite like it in here,” Zyan smiles happily from his corner of the van. It doesn’t take long before they can hear the hundreds of fans screaming outside the vehicle. Everyone makes a shushing noise to quiet everyone as they pass the masses of fans. 

YN already gets anxious when the band has to drive through massive crowds of fans who like to bang on the windows of the Range Rovers. The boys even like to push against the thick glass to counter the weight but that doesn’t stop the anxiety rushing to her chest when it happens. 

Her mind starts to race at the thought that if the fans did actually find out that they were in there, they could easily shred the tiny van into pieces. 

When Harry sees her chest begin to rise up and down at an increasing weight behind his dark sunnies, he doesn’t think twice about putting a hand over hers that’s gripping the pillow in the space between them. He’s thankful for the dimly lit setting and the way she has her legs bent as it covers their tightly, intertwined hands. She discreetly follows his nonverbal instructions and inhales deeply through her nose to copying how he makes a small ‘O’ with his mouth to exhale.

“Why don’t we make this trip a little more exciting?” Zayn wiggles his eyebrows as he pulls out something from his cargo shorts pockets. 

YN pushes her sunglasses up to the top of her head and squints at the tiny object between her bandmate’s fingers before she smiles in relief. She watches as Zayn brings up the rolled-up substance to his lips, flicking his thumb on the lighter before a flame appears. After starting it, he goes to pass it to Niall who immediately shakes his head. Once Louis’s taken a hit, he passes it to an eager YN.

Everyone begins to have their own side conversations and Harry feels the butterflies in his stomach threatening to escape when YN doesn’t let go of his hand. 

He watches from behind his pitch dark sunglasses as she holds the blunt between her thumb and first two fingers, wrapping her lips around it ever so gently and hollowing out her cheeks. Her teeth clench together as she holds the smoke in her lungs for a couple of beats, her eyelashes fluttering at the feeling before releasing the smoke into the space above her.

“How yeh feeling, Nialler?” Ben asks and turns the camera towards Niall in hopes of not capturing what the band is doing. Especially YN as it could cause harm to her “good girl” image that fans already know isn’t fully her.

“Not good,” He mutters out.

“Yeh want me to shotgun you one, Ni? It’ll make yeh feel better.” YN asks with a teasing smile once she blows out another puff from between her full lips, passing the blunt off to Harry. As he snickers along with the rest of the band, he has to admit that he’s relieved when Niall politely declines her offer. 

Once Harry has it between his lips and takes a deep inhale, he's suddenly coughing a few times into his fist.

"Woah," YN giggles and puts a hand on her bandmate's shoulder, already feeling the effects. "Maybe I should have offered you a hit instead."

Her teasing comment only makes him cough more at the intimate thought as he passes the drug to Liam.

"S'just been a while," He manages to say once he's calmed down.

"Just offering," YN smiles at him, biting down on her bottom lip as she leans her head back to the metal wall behind her.

"Well, you seem to be feeling better," Harry quickly changes the subject before he lets his hazy mind wander. He matches her position and leans his head back. A smile etches on his lips when she giggles, closing her eyes and nodding her head.

"Thanks to you," She whispers and gives his hand a squeeze. Getting into a fuzzy headspace, she doesn't think about how long she's been holding his hand or how it makes her skin tingle at his touch. Instead, she brings their hands up between them and pushes them flat against one another so their palms are together. "Woah, look how much bigger yeh hands are."

His dimples dig into his cheeks as he cheekily chuckles at her, letting her maneuver their hands together as she pleases.

"How long?" Louis asks the drivers through the wall behind him. After letting him know that they've arrived, he dramatically yells out, "Okay!"

As soon as their security teams have opened the back doors of the tiny van, everyone begins to scooch their way out.

"S'almost as big as me face!" Harry lets out a string of high-pitched giggles when YN grasps his hand in both of hers and holds it up close to her face to demonstrate her point.

“It made the experience 10x better than it needed to be,” YN laughs, reminiscing at the fun memories she had with her boys. “I just felt bad for Niall, poor thing got both motion sickness and a secondhand high.”

"Alright, last one."

“Yeah, so—” YN sucks in a deep breath through her teeth from the spicy wing she just had. “Um, this was around the time when I started to write some songs on me own, just out on a whim. This was when me manager told me that someone was interested in buying it. So that was me reaction to the news. As you can tell, I acted very professional and calm about the situation.”

...

"I must say that you're doing a really good job so far," Sean smiles at the pop star across the table. "Most would have finished their first glass of milk by now while you're still drinking water."

"I'm built different."

“It’s no surprise to anyone that you know your way around a guitar. You’ve shown off some of your favorite and unique guitars from your extensive collection over the past couple of years. From your custom-made Daisy Rock Debutante butterfly shape staple to your Fender Vintera '50s Stratocaster that was used in a plethora of ABBA’s songs. From Jimi Hendrix's 1967 Gibson Flying V to your baritone/tenor snail shaped ukulele—The Snailele. Out of the all of guitars in your care, what would you say is the coolest guitar you own and why is it your Red Special?”

YN covers her mouth as she laughs out loud while simultaneously trying not to think about the heat increasing in her mouth.

“How do you even know that? I mean, yeh asking me to pick me favorite is like choosing my favorite child. I love all me guitars and they all have a chokehold over me heart. My Red Special is just—” YN has to take in a deep breath in hopes to cool down the heat building on her tongue. “—one of the fookin’ coolest things I own. It’s a hand-crafted replica of Brian May’s guitar that he uses for literally everything and when I met him I nearly shit meself, m’not even joking. Like, that guy is fookn’ superhero, know what I mean? And when he gifted me the guitar, I saw the light, man. I literally had an outside body experience. Like I saw meself in the middle of Brian May’s dressing room as he handed me the guitar.”

“Some people buy and collect expensive cars, I have cool guitars,” YN shrugs with a content smile.

...

“Now, let’s talk about the infamous Harry Styles.”

YN nods her head towards the host, hissing in a deep breath from the hot wing she just ate. This piece has easily become one of the spicier wings so far and she can instantly tell why that is from the mention of her secret fiancé. She smirks as she raises her glass of water to her lips, “Lets.”

“So, you guys have known each other for a little more than 12 years now as you guys were in One Direction together. And on New Years 2020, it has revealed to the world that you guys were in a relationship. Now, I won’t ask for you to go into the details of your relationship but is there any particular reason as to why you guys have kept your anniversary a secret?”

“You know, from a very young age, mine and Harry’s lives have always been in the public eye,” YN licks her lips and chuckles as the burning sensation only increases the more she speaks. They don’t call this hot sauce DaBomb for nothing. “Holy shit. Think m’gonna have to take off me blazer for this one, is that alright?” YN questions, already shedding off her coat. The tattoos scattered along her arms go on display and fans can see Harry’s handwriting inked on her upper rib cage.

“Go ahead, whatever you need to do,” Sean gives her a comforting smile. “Here, I’ll even take my jacket off, too. We’re in this together.”

“I feel the support,” YN laughs but it only makes the stinging that much more intense. “M’actually starting to sweat. Oof okay umm…yeah, even the way our relationship was ‘announced’ kind of left us vulnerable, in a way.”

“What a start to the new year.”

“Exactly. And there was a time in our lives where we felt that everyone knew everything about us and it was something that just didn’t sit well with us. So to have this one piece of our lives for only ourselves just felt right. And even though I’m on social media more than he is and I post a couple of pictures of us every now and then, we definitely don’t feel that way anymore. Which feels really nice.”

“Moving onto the more professional side of your relationship with Harry, you’ve obviously worked with him during your time in the band. You were initially brought onto his production team as a songwriter for his first album, then a musician, vocal-arrangement manager, and producer for his second, and now you were all of the above plus co-lead producer for his current album, Harry’s House. You’ve also worked with big time artists like Little Mix, The Weeknd, Lizzo, and Olivia Rodrigo just to name a few. How did that initial experience help you grow as a producer and build relationships when working with other artists?”

“You’ve really done yeh research haven’t yeh?” YN giggles before going into a coughing fit, quickly bringing the red cloth over her mouth from the spicy wing. “Excuse me. Shit, sorry,” YN laughs before reaching for her tall glass of water.

“Is it finally starting to hit?”

YN takes a gulp of water, quickly licking her lips as she sniffles away the start of a running nose. Being as stubborn as ever, she shakes her head, “Nope.”

“We do have milk for you there if you need it,” Sean kindly points out and YN begins to chew on a piece of ice.

“Don’t need it, ‘fanks. Umm, oh right. Harry’s me best friend above all else and we’ve been writing together since as long as I can remember. We’ve gone through and learned about this process together for over a decade now. He’s considered one of me biggest clients and when we work together, I tell him the honest truth. I don’t like to suga’ coat shit and it’s how I work. That’s something that he knows, feel comfortable with, and respects. And there’s always that ‘something’ you learn about with every artist you work with. Like sure we can go into the studio cold turkey and make a song together but before I work with someone, I wanna take them outside of the mindset, ‘Okay, I wanna make a #1 hit single,’ and make a song that means something to them.”

YN swallows thickly, swinging her legs back and forth as she tries to get her thoughts in order from her spice-induced brain.

“With Harry, he’s sort of allowed me to explore and experiment when making music; he trusts me in that sense and as a producer, that’s the most important thing I can have when creating something as intimate as music.”

...

YN’s eyes widen when she sees Sean begin to shake the bottle, “O-oh we’re doing this?”

“It’s tradition around here to add a little bit more sauce on the last wing. Now you don’t have to if you don’t want to—”

“Seany boy, if there’s one thing yeh should know about me is that v’got a huge ego. But m’sure yeh already knew that,” YN just her hand out towards the host, wiggling her fingers while sucking in another sharp breath in hopes to ease the pain on her tongue. “Gimme that shit.”

With an uneasy sigh, YN shakes the bottle to pour some of the thick hot sauce to the last wing on the cutting board.

“Come on, YN,” YN whispers to herself. “You’re a bad bitch.”

Making sure to avoid her lips from touching the chicken as much as possible, she takes a heavy bite from the last wing.

She scrunches up her face as she chews but it turns into a pleasantly surprised expression. “Wait, what the fook that one was actually quite good. S’actually not that bad—oh shit, no nevermind.”

Sean chuckles at the rollercoaster of emotions displayed in front of him. YN gulps down as much water as she can.

“Okay, side question as you’re processing all of this: Since you have yet to reach for the milk we have for you, in your honest opinion, do you think Harry Styles could handle the range of spice that you’ve endured over the course of this show?”

YN chews and speaks around a mouthful of ice, “He can try but he wouldn’t make it past the second one.”

“Is that a little trash talk I hear?” Sean laughs.

“Listen up, baby,” YN leans her elbow on the table and points to the camera that’s solely directed on her. “I love yeh, you know I do, but you couldn’t eat any of this shit if yeh tried. Just the smell of it is gonna make your eyes water. Just looking out for you, lovie. And let’s face it, we both clearly know m’the stronger one here,” She blows a kiss at the camera and reaches for her water cup once again.

When she has the glass to her lips, she huffs out a giggle, “He’s gonna come after me for that later. Fook, s’like m’breahting fire right now.”

YN leans her forearms on the edge of the round table and balls her hands into fists to keep herself stable at the burning on her tongue intensifies.

“That last thing I wanna do before be close up shop here is play a little game of association. I’m going to throw out some stuff out to you and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to your mind. Are you ready?”

“Hit me with ‘em.”

“Jacob Collier.”

YN scoffs and shakes her head with a smile, “A fookin’ mastermind.”

“The restaurant Danny’s Place.” YN throws her head back and laughs at how much research this guy actually did on her past. Her brain has turned into utter mush from the spicy chicken that she can’t come up with a polite, media-trained response.

“It’s still shit,” YN shrugs and she doesn’t even try to hide her smile.

“Loophole.”

“Woah,” YN’s eyes widen with a chuckle. “Oh my word. Hell yeah. Okay—you are like the best interviewer I’ve ever had in me life. Um, bitch’n.”

...

“Okay to this camera, this camera or this camera, tell the people what you’ve got going on lately.”

“Um—” YN blinks away her spice-induced tears away, sniffing and rubbing the red cloth to her runny nose. “M’currently on a world tour. So if yeh bought a ticket, I’ll see yeh lot very soon. Also, me new album Waiting Room comes out the day after tomorrow—Wait, when will this air? Well, it will be out very soon because I can’t really think straight at the moment. Erm, this show was a fookin’ piece of cake and Sean Evans is a legend.”

The Sean and the crew members behind the cameras all clap and cheer making YN laugh. Once the shoot is a wrap and the credits begin to show up at the bottom of the screen, YN gets up and out of her seat to give a hug to possibly her new favorite host.

“How often do you do this?” She genuinely asks.

“Every week.”

“You eat this spicy shit every week?” Sean nods and laughs at how wide her eyes get. “You’re a fookin’ legend, man. I mean it.”

taglist:

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[kuroaka]

as a college student, it would be nice to have and dedicate some time to college stuff

as someone who shares an apartment with someone i’m not related to, it would be nice to use my time to do all the chores exactly when i feel is needed

as a worker, it would be nice to dedicate some time to myself and actually rest so i could do my job nicely and improve myself whenever

and as a human being not mentally well, it would be nice to invest time in social events and not shutting down

but as all of these, i just do not have TIME for shit. i mean, i do, but i have to choose one of these stuff to focus. i can do college stuff OR all the house chores i have to do OR resting OR enjoy my social life because for fucks sake i am YOUNG and i feel like im loosing my time because i have so much to do and it feels like i can’t do ANYTHING and i absolutely HATE it

not only that, my ‘roommate’ (the person i share an apartment) apparently hates me for no reason at all and wants to make my life miserable (i’m exaggerating)

2 years ago she complained to my other friend - not me, MY FRIEND - about how i wasn’t doing the house chores, and like, i got it, i really wasn’t bc i was depressed but anyways. really later on she talked to me abt it and i spent the ENTIRETY of 2023 trying to do everything i could and not missing my chores. but then in this year, 2024, she said she doesn’t want to share the apt. anymore bc she has other plans and bc she is “dissatisfied with some issues”. like bitch wtf then why didn’t you talk to me sooner.

then okay, i told her she could talk to me abt it whenever and wished her luck. but she didn’t TALK abt it then how tf was i supposed to guess?????? what was wrong???? and she just dropped that and left, never talked abt it again. she really just dropped that bomb to me so i would feel guilty and left me to rot with this thought????

and it’s so funny cuz we both are PSYCHOLOGY students and in order to be a good psychologist you must have EMPATHY and this bitch can’t have empathy with the very person right next to her living in the same place???

bc when she complained abt me to my friend she said like “oh but at night i can hear her watching some series blah blah blah” yes?? when im having lunch or dinner i watch something bc that’s THE TIME I HAVE TO MYSELF, and it’s like 20 min tf

and it’s also so funny bc she talk all that shit abt me but it’s really easy when you don’t have to work 6 days of the week???? bitch you think i’m working just bc i want to??? and not bc i need the money)???????2$:!3$3! wtf is wrong with you??? i’m not extremely poor but the life i’m living now?? i need the fucking money!!!!! if you don’t need it then great but don’t talk shit u know nothin abt!!2?!2$:$: the only way to get your empathy is if im starving????? if i can’t afford college????

i deal with so much stuff with my shitty mental health and you expect me to be perfect????? ffs more often than not i can barely get out of bed without struggling 💀💀

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary71

11/21-22/2023

tuesday - wednesday

listening to arab on radar, made cookies, read some julia kristeva.

not as much as i would have liked. her book called black sun, about misery. she says melancholia a lot, but something feels distantly embarrassing about saying that. saying i am melancholic. i am, though. it's so obvious it's painful, which is why it's a bit of an embarrassing word to say. i'm excited for her chapter about beauty, in the book. i want to read more of her stuff, so i dled some pdfs, might check that out tonight. anyway:

today i woke up annoyed, because the thing that got me out of bed was being told about how my friends got confused, because of the one guy in there who i find really frustrating, because he is making my friend depressed, gently, or not gently, but it's not aggressively, i guess. he was like, it's next week right, and other guys were like, is it?? and then they were like, well maybe it should be. my friend's gf was like, well, you should all try to come by tomorrow! which got a lot of them to be like: okay. the only one who seems like a maybe at this point, is the annoying guy. i am still expecting him to show up, though. he is saying he's going to be cooking w/ his family for thursday, but who knows, he's not a good cook, he cooked for us on his birthday (a kindness, certainly (strangely, he talked to me extensively that day, that day only, about how much he wanted everyone to be together always, all the time, and how much pleasure he got from getting everyone together "like this"(lends credence to the idea that he really wants to be the center of whatever group he's in))) and when he cooked he burnt all the meat, overdone, a friend said it was quote unquote dog-food. so i think his family would actually be happy to lose his hands.

i made 31 cookies, 33 technically but i ate 1.5, gf ate the other half (too full).

i'm still looking forward to tomorrow. i'm going to bitch abt the annoying guy with my friend's gf, i'm sure she'd be happy to complain a little, since he tried to fuck her plans up, or not tried, he just kind of almost did, by stumbling in the dark. everyone was like, making me so mad, when they were like, maybe we really should do it next week. it felt like a bunch of men deciding that when women make plans that they aren't central to, they can freely ignore them and decide what would make for better plan-making. one said that it'd be easier to plan if it were next week, but this has been a plan for about a week, already, it feels like at least. maybe less? it's just casual, though. i guess i gave myself something easy to do, with the cookies, compared to other things people might cook.

anyway i want to post some dolls and then sleep:

@_godog_ hijikata haruna

i wonder if her name is her actual name or if a chosen name based on tatsumi hijikata, the butoh dancer/ pioneer. it would fit, aesthetically, the dolls are right on the edge of corpselike, i would like to put special attention to the recent works with dolls that have these nacre eyes. they're so dead, and so like cataracts, but still intone something beyond or before death, not lifeless, just beside the void. it gives voice to the experience/ thought that one speaks it, or is a vessel for that nothing to pass through, a perfection written with lightness, i also quite like what must be the earlier dolls with extremely off kilter / askew eyes, also near death, but also near the to the erotic experience, also dissociative, distant, it reminds me of being places and doing things i didn't like but also had no way to imagine excusing myself from, so i was just like, okay.

also, all the hands, they are between searching and articulating pain. arthritic and curious. (and the toes on the one with exposed feet, really special detail work across all the digits)

either way, they are really beautiful to me, i quite love her work.

~

freak's circus

some of these skew a bit too trevor brown for me to want to post here (unfortunately i like some of his stuff, because i guess i look at it and have the stupid, wow, girl with surgery equipment looking crazy, i love that, response (he is so clearly a gross perv but i guess i excuse it in certain artists and not others (that's fine though because i don't think i'm ever excusing pedophilia like i feel like i'd have to w/ trevor brown (i don't think these dolls are pedophilic, though, so)))) anyways, i'm shocked i never saw or heard of these dolls anywhere, they're quite cute, and pretty. they just kind of lean on the whole creepy cute thing (all these dolls do) but these ones are much more willingly the kind of creepy cute pop art that can either become very bad or be very good, i'm fond of it. it's like so near bad taste it's kind of lovely/intoxicating, like the weird amputee dolls, it's an externalization of a cluster of feelings or ways you can feel like you are seen in such aggressive manner, i guess if you are one to read it that way, it's compelling no matter what. another reason i guess i'm so stricken by it, is the tension between perfection/the pristine, wanting terrible things to happen, and real malady, subtle bruising, illness, wanting to be tortured, being tortured actually, and needing to be beautiful, and that impossibility, all projected onto a toy, also remains compelling for me, in particular the conjoined twin dolls connect. the fish stomach one is simply very stunning to me, really really beautiful, and also silly and simple, it's stepping the line of good taste in certain ways, it does not have any restraint, none of these do, all excess all the time, everything at full volume, subtlety isn't absent, it's revived from a corpse though, killed and brought back by all the noise, it exists in the (dis)harmonies and nested thoughts happening as you are blasted by that image, sneaking many things in, dirty fantasies and the worry over the fantasies all the same.

ofc the mari shimizu feeling thing w/ the anatomical venus belly cutout w/ something religious feeling placed inside instead of organs (the sacred is the bodily??? gaspppp) is cute. i can't tell if it bothers me when anyone but her does that. i'm in favor, i suppose, because it is such a pretty/cute idea, to me.

~

@sekisyoku_metro

these ones really caught my eye, as where the last creator leans very hard into the kitsch/pop art area, and the first feels so heavenly almost, corpses stuck in a threeway of transcending, rotting, and still living, returning to themselves, or having never left, these really are the most corpselike and grotesque without being actually ugly. the first doll here, has a stomach as rough as the moon, it resembles io to me, the body is the color of a corpse left in a sulfuric lake, the face is that of an angry god. the noh mask features are quite insane, these dolls are maybe the most physical i've seen, or they immediately strike me as physical, heavy. the one missing her arm, she is less impersonable in her face, but she still remains strange, uncanny. i also quite love the desaturated pink ribbon as a mote of viscera. somehow more effective than anything grosser, it feels, it gives a sensation in my arms, of the tendons quieting after an execution.

~

anyhow, uhh, what else did i do, today. i tried redoing vox for another song, i think it's almost there, need to go back in and do a couple lines probably, i want some parts that are like girlier sounding i guess, no better way to put that. and then find a way to mix the vocals a little better, maybe just low shelf some stuff out. it can be quieter too, listening to arab on radar, it's not like the stuff i want to be like is really like, upfront vocally.

another song i think it'd be good to keep in mind:

i think maybe next super short song i do i should let myself use a synth sound that's really obvious, instead of these guitar thingies, just give myself like, a break, with mixing. i think it'd be easier.. . but who knows. i love to #fuckeverythingup and #dotoomuch (earlier in the blog, when i talk about subtlety revived, life poured into its mouth by noise i was also talking about something i think i do and #lovesomuch)

anyway i have to sleep soon. i get so much more talkative here when i ready anyfuckingthing. it's crazy. i have to make myself do it a bit every day. it made me write a little too. nothing substantial (substantial right now has to be me going in and working on the structure and slotting things together for the story) but doing anything is good. it keeps my mind working.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!

[back2badhabits]

03/30/2023

Y’all I’ve lost 3 pounds since my last entry woooooo. I’ve been able to keep under 800 every day this week. I haven’t even eaten anything today yet.

I had my first in-person therapy appt yesterday where I intended to break up w my therapist using the excuse that my psychiatrist said I need a psychologist but she got mad and uh it didn’t end up happening. I’m seeing her again Monday.

I told her abt all the food stuff and mentioned that I wasn’t rlly looking to change it. She said she wasn’t worried bc I wasn’t like deathly thin and when I mentioned my bmi she said it was “good”. When I talked abt how I purged a few days ago bc I didn’t like the feeling of being full, she was kinda like “ah yeah, I get it” lol?

She also just like. Does not comprehend so many things. She doesn’t think I’m psychotic or schizo despite that being why I’m on the meds I’m on, despite the delusions, despite the hallucinations. She just doesn’t understand a lot of Asian stuff and like will say things in just,,, not the nicest way. She got aggressive w me right after a long talk abt how react extremely negatively to any perception of aggression or anger. God. Idk what to do.

She thinks I wouldn’t qualify for hospitalization which is cool.

Oh, also, she thinks all this food issue stuff is more impulse mood-disorder issues than eating disorder issues which is. So cool. And I totally bet it’s because of my size ah hahah. Fuck.

Whatever. Whatever whatever whatever.

I have a massive beer in the fridge I want to find an excuse to drink but I also know that beer is like a shit ton of calories, ugh.

I wanna just keep fasting tbh but I know I can’t because I have to take my meds with food or it causes almost unbearable nausea. It’s so much easier to just fast and have nothing than it is to eat and restrict and try to make sure you don’t overeat.

I’m so tired dude.

03/31/2023

12:18 am

I just got off the phone with O a little while ago. I asked them and C to video call me while I cooked bc I was scared I might leave the stove on again or something, and I wanted to take my pill early since I have to be up early tomorrow for a passport photo appointment.

Yeah, so much for that.

I ended up throwing up after eating because I was so nauseous. I had about 615 calories before I did. I threw up about 1/4-1/3 of it so today’s cals are really like 489.

O found out and then asked how much I’d had all day. I told them what the number was before throwing up and they got super freaked out and yelled at wouldn’t let me finish my sentences and I cried and I just want to die. I used to think of such wonderful and fun and beautiful times whenever I thought of them but now I can’t look at them or think about them without hearing what they sound like yelling. I hate it. I bet now when they think of me, they only think of horrible things too.

I don’t know if I want to go back. When people yell here at least, I can go sit in my room and close the door and be with my stuff and drink to cope if I want. I can’t do that there.

I don’t feel safe with anyone anymore.

I’m so worried about C too. I gave them weight concern issues when I was there and they started restricting their eating and O keeps talking about my issues and my calories and stuff with them and I know that that must be all kinds of triggering but even when I say they shouldn’t and even when I try to imply it’s not something to discuss in front of them, they don’t listen. I don’t know what to do because O will be upset if I don’t tell them things but I don’t want to keep risking triggering C worse since this just becomes an inescapable lifelong thing.

Fuck everything dude, I want a coma.

[btstarotpredictions101]

Tae future spouse part 1 ( highly requested )

• green is significant ( earth sign, libra, aries )

• this person is very balance in their life

• they know how to save money and use money in the right way

• they’re very attractive and attract both masculine and feminine people

• someone is very intuitive, they could be a psychic

• they could be a celebrity ( actress/actor, musician, model,.. )

• tae is a first born and in korea first born usually marry korean ( korean culture ), in this part im not saying tae gonna marry korean nor foreigner but tae is the type that he do what he wants/likes and he love to be unique so for me i would say tae he have a good chance to marry foreigner, i could be wrong but let see 🤷🏻‍♀️

• they could be younger than him, taehyung more into younger girls/guys or whatever they are but they have to be mature enough to be with him, young but have old soul. The old sould will came from their childhood trauma, they suffer a lot so they will be very mature at a young age.

• this is a karmic relationship, and rn the past life karma are affecting tae fs ( in a bad way ), and when they meet, the karma will affect both tae and his fs but in a good way

• im sensing that when they meet both of them will spend lots of time together, they will have some deep conversation

• November is significant, December ( could be 5 days/ 3 days before December they will meet, and November is the month that they’re very close with each other but they didn’t meet yet )

• tae will watch this person grow up ( damn its sound so wrong 💀 ), its like he will watch them achieve their goals and he be like “im proud of you”

• when they meet both of them will immediately build a bond, not only tae fs but also tae himself, he want a stable friendship

• this person like i’d said before they are very attractive, they have so much options ( in love ) around them

• this person kinda seductive and fruity but also cold as fuck, they’re not dry but also a comedian mom in a group friends

• they don’t know how to express their feelings ( or for them its just hard to express feelings and they don’t do that )

• their toxic traits is that they loose feelings extremely fast and when tae told them that he want to be more than friends, they will scared

• they hate using other ( friends/ partner ) money accept their parents money ( 💀 ✋same girl )

• yall know what, when tae finally comfortable around them, he will call/text/FaceTime them like every fucking days. He could be very exhausted and tired so he decide to call them just to hear their voice, they could have soft angelic deep voice but not that deep, tae finds its hot

• i think he gonna meet that person next year yall im excited

• they could deal with some anxiety, or their inner voice just telling them that they will meet a mf that really famous so their inner voice do be sprinkled some “anxietieness” to them before they meet tae ( is it a word or- )

• anyways, tae fs will be trap in a love triangle ( 2 masculine fighting for a feminine ) and yeah tae did not expect that and will be like “ back off people that person is mine”

• tae future spouse giving me poison ivy and maddy ( euphoria ) vibes im ngl

• meet in work ( maybe partnership ), they have to travel to somewhere because of work and they will meet tae their

• tae will be so in love the first time he meet them, they will notice tae always looking at them so they will feel a bit scared ( anxiety ) and try to avoid eye contact with him, my guy ready to risk all his life for them

• the put a lot of effort in their work/career rn so im seeing that from now to maybe first three or four months of 2023 they will be very success

• definitely a hard worker but kinda lazy

• i feel like she will meet tae in a tense situation, the energy are so negative, means that tae and some other people are arguing or talk abt smth or choosing smth, somebody in the room are a bit disrespectful and stubborn they could make tae annoyed or pissed off, I don’t really see what they are arguing about but after tae fs appears in the room everything changes.

• their friendship is amazing, when tae meet his fs, he might post stories about them on ig, if their friendship is getting stronger and have more chemistry, he will follow them or he will often post them on his ig or tag them in a picture or idk this mf will do anything.

• im also seeing that tae will have to deal with jealousy, because his fs ex might contact them back

• both of them spend lots of time hanging out together

• i feel like tae will force his fs to receive his expensive gifts

• tae will talk about them to his family and his friends

• tae gonna be so seductive too, idk whats gonna happen after they became friends but tae fs need some help from their friends cause my guy are trying to seduce them when he can and i literally just heard “you fucking jerks“ and pretty sure it came from tae fs yelling at him when he tease them

♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎

𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲

• 𝗳𝘂𝗹𝗹 𝗹𝗶𝗽𝘀

• 𝗵𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘆 - 𝗽𝗮𝗹𝗲 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗻

• 𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗹, 𝟭𝟲𝟱-𝟭𝟳𝟬𝗰𝗺

• 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗻𝘆, 𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗺

• 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘄𝗮𝗶𝘀𝘁

• 𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗴/𝘀𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗵𝗮𝗶𝗿, 𝘄𝗮𝘃𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝗶𝗿

• 𝗰𝗵𝘂𝗯𝗯𝘆 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗲𝗸

• 𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝗱 𝗲𝘆𝗲𝘀

• 𝗺𝗼𝗹𝗲𝘀/𝘀𝗰𝗮𝗿𝘀

• 𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗸 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻/𝗵𝗮𝘇𝗲𝗹 𝗲𝘆𝗲𝘀

• 𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗸 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗻/𝗯𝗹𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗵𝗮𝗶𝗿

• 𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗼𝗼𝘀

• 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝘀𝘂𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘆 ( 𝗶𝗺 𝗴𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮 𝗻𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗷𝗼𝗯 - 𝗿𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘆 𝗼𝗿 𝗮 𝗳𝗮𝗰𝗲/𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗲𝗸 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗼𝘅 )

♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎

𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗲𝗿

• 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝗿/𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗻/𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗿𝗲𝘁/𝗿𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗻𝘁

• 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘀

• 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘁

• 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿

• 𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗮𝗻 ( 𝗸𝗼𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗻 𝗼𝗿 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗲𝗿 ? 𝗪𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝘄𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 )

• 𝘀𝘄𝗮𝗴

• 𝗶𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝘆𝗽𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 “𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝘁“

• 𝗰𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁, 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘁𝗲, 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘁, 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗵𝘂𝗺𝗼𝗿

• 𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗱, 𝘀𝗼𝗳𝘁 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗮𝗹𝘀𝗼 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴

• 𝗴𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗳𝗮𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝘂𝘀𝗶𝗰

• 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀𝘀𝘂𝗲𝘀/𝗮𝗻𝘅𝗶𝗲𝘁𝘆/𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮/𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗮

• 𝗳𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗲, 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗳𝘂𝗹

• 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘁

• 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝗹𝘆, 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴

• 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗱, 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹, 𝗮 𝗯𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗯𝗯𝗼𝗿𝗻

• 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗮𝘄𝗸𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗮𝗹𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘁𝗮𝗲

• 𝗮 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗲𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗳𝗹𝗮𝗴𝘀

• 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗿𝘂𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀

• 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗯𝗼𝗼𝗸𝘀, 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘀, 𝘁𝗼𝘆𝘀, 𝗰𝗼𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗲, 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴

• ����𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲

• 𝗱𝗮𝗱𝗱𝘆 𝗶𝘀𝘀𝘂𝗲𝘀

• 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝗱𝘃𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲

• 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝘆 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 ( 𝘁𝗮𝗲 ) 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲, 𝗳𝗿𝘂𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗸𝘆 𝗮𝗳 𝗮𝗹𝘀𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗮𝗲 𝗮 𝗹𝗼𝘁.

• 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗮 𝗷𝗲𝗿𝗸/ 𝗯𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝗱 ( 𝗱𝗼𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘀𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗹𝘆 𝗽𝗹𝘀 𝗶𝘀𝘀𝗮 𝗷𝗼𝗸𝗲 😭 )

• 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗰𝗮𝗿𝘀/𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗼𝗿

• 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝘆𝗽𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗼 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵

• 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗿𝗯𝗳

• 𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗰𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗻𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗹

• 𝗵𝗼𝗯𝗯𝗶𝗲𝘀 : 𝘀𝗹𝗲𝗲𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴

♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎♡︎

𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘀𝗶𝗺𝗶𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘆 : 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴𝗹𝗲 𝗲𝘆𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗱𝗼𝘂𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗲𝘆𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗱, 𝘁𝗵𝗲 “𝗩’’ 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝗲, 𝗹𝗶𝗽𝘀 𝗯𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗮𝗯𝗶𝘁

𝗔𝗴𝗲 𝗴𝗮𝗽𝘀 : 𝟱-𝟭𝟬 ( 𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗿 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 )

[shxxtingstarss]

therapy no. 20

Today was a lot, but my therapist def gave me the time I needed - we ended up talking +15 mins longer than the appointment time because we wanted to look at why I am in a constant state of crisis since the beginning of the year, which led to my self-doubts and bc he wanted to make sense of these doubts/why they're there, we needed more time. I'm so lucky to have found this therapist with that time of appointment (the one before his lunch break), this way he sometimes offers me to stay in my seat for some more time if the session was emotionally.. a lot, and sometimes I can even accept that offer, most of the time it's just nice to know that I'm allowed to be at this place, in this room that provides safety somehow, with that person that I am able to trust a lot and tell a lot.. and so on. Today I had to tell him if he should prepare the request for long-time therapy (which would give me the option to attend therapy sessions with him up ~the end of 2023) and of course I told him to do so, but this time not just because I think it's the right thing to do, but also because I feel so - I never felt so safe to talk abt everything going on in my head with any therapist before, or everything that went on in my childhood etc.

So, today's session was about the ongoing state of crisis, the lowest lows of the last weeks, all my problems and insecurities and the instability in all parts of my life (my studies, my relationship, the friendships I'm trying to build, my living/housing situation, ...) and how all of it is connected to my deeply-rooted self-doubts, connected to me constantly asking myself what would be the right thing to do, if I did something wrong, if I am wrong... etc. But we also talked about how these doubts might have helped me survive in my past (ok not just might have, they definitely did) bc of the hopes I had to keep up that my situation would change to the better, but everytime it didn't, I had to find the 'problem'/error within myself, I couldn't blame the person that was actually the problem, bc I was so extremely dependent on that person (from the beginning of my life..). When we approached the 'why' as in 'why am I self-doubting myself so much' I was absolutely clueless at first, but after some thinking in silence my mother kind of popped into my mind - how I started doubting her promises in the last year due to the (good) influence of my partner. It seemed too easy to be true first, I even said so ('this feels like a pretty cheap explanation/idea, but...') - then we looked at it more closely and actually found a lot of stuff in my past with my mother, so the explanation/idea of my self-doubts helping me in the past came up and made a looot of sense actually.

Well, there's not a lot more to tell for today, the self-doubts together with my past made a lot of stuff come up to my mind in the end of the session, also situations where I wasn't just doubting myself but where my mother doubted my perception of reality, my needs etc, even tho the point where she told me I'm lying when I said I heard a ringing in my ear all the time and wanted to go to the doctor (I think she said sth like I'm too young to have tinnitus) - went to the doctor a year later or so on my own and guess what - of course it's tinnitus and bc we didn't treat it / did sth about it for years, it became chronic. (': Actually it was always the same when she doubted me, it was obviously true what I said/saw (her punching my brother, her punching me, her telling lies to other family members, ...) and she only gaslighted me all the time. Didn't exactly help my mental development in a positive way, lol.