#trying to suck his own peen!

[thatguywiththefaceog]

Gravity Falls Choose Your Own Adventure-Wendy Corduroy’s Big Pay Day part 6

The following story is pornographic in nature. All characters depicted are over 18. This story is for adults only.

Wendy walked into a bathroom converted to a make shift changing room. She was stripped naked. “We'll be jumping straight into the scene, you don't need an outfit.” She was told. They some touch ups to her hair and make up.

She was directed to the living room. There were several very attractive and very naked. Their were several fluffers working their cocks. Standing around was the other girl working the scene with Wendy. And Wendy knew her.

“Mabel?” The brunette turned around. She was naked as Wendy. Now 19, puberty had blessed the girl with massive hanging tits with large pink nipples to match. While she had pubic hair, she kept it short, neat, and trimmed. Her chestnut hair went down her back.

“Wendy!”Mabel shouted pulling in her friend for a naked hug. “I was hoping Tambry would get you to come. My uncle didn't work you too hard today?”

“Naw, had like one customer. She paid a shit ton though.”

“Fantastic!”

“Alright girls, get on the floor. We're ready to shoot,” said the director behind the camera.

“What’s my motivation?” Mabel asked.

The director stared directly at her. “You want cock,” he answered flatly.

“Okay!”

The two girls found themselves surrounded by big burly guys with thick cocks.

“And action!”

Wendy and Mabel began sucking and stroking the cocks. Mabel slobbered all over one guy's testicle while Wendy already brought one to orgasm. He came all over her face. The director yelled cut and someone cleaned Wendy’s face. The director wanted to try some different stuff. Under his instructions, Wendy oiled up Mabel’s breasts. She then guided one of the guys peen into her cleavage and held Mabel’s boobs while she titfuck him.

Well he came and once again they cut, so Mabel could get cleaned up. The director wanted some girl on girl to mix things up so he had the two get on the couch. Mabel laid on her back while Wendy claimed on top of her. They giggled between make out. The kisses were very showy with a lot of tongue.

Two of the guys surrounded them. One shoved his erection into the girls’ faces while the other used his to tease the girls’ pussies. Wendy and Mabel kissed and licked the cock in earnest, while the other guy thrusted into them. They were rewarded with cum in their faces and between their pussies.

For the finale, the director had a very specific idea for what he wanted. He had Mabel and Wendy sit back on the couch and spread their legs. Each ten guys took turns thrusting and cumming into them. Wendy and Mabel gave one finale kiss as they showed off their cum filled pussies.

After the shooter, Tambry let both girls shower in her bedroom bathroom. Mabel couldn’t help but notice Wendy’s freckled butt as the red head lathered herself.

“You know Wendy, Paz and I were gonna have a bit of fun tonight. We would be more than happy if you would join. Wendy was gonna see Dipper in his lab tonight. Hmmm…

[skele-bunny]

I give up, have an unfinished Sarra. I'm never drawing wings again (I will end up doing it again.) Bodies aren't my strong suit, hands are nsjwkdk. Also if you've seen this pose on my account before - no you haven't 🌀🌀🌀

Uncensored, sfw peen below & wordless rambling

I think Sarra doesn't have a lot of scars, just a lot of burns from constantly going at it with fire ghouls in his era in the pits. His entire right side is miscolored bc of being burned, he doesn't have much feeling on that side AND BRO LOST HIS NIPPLE!!!!!!!!! While he does have claw gashes in his wings permanently, it doesn't affect his flight or movement, he's adjusted to it

Being decorated in jewelry wasn't really common for breeders, mainly breedings as they weren't meant for fighting. Breeders leaned towards piercings instead so their shines/noises didn't give them away during hunts or fights.

While in current eras - the shorter the hair = the higher magick status, for them it was the longer the hair = the higher magick status. He always keeps his in a braid or low ponytail, completely down when he's not on watch.

He does have body hair I was just too lazy to draw it 🤷

The scar in Sarra's hand is from his blood oath to his pack, promising to protect them and lay his life for them. Once again, an old era way.

The evolution between the Doves → Second Era was majorly the wing loss and horn shapes. Doves all have a form of curved back horns for better flight, while Seconds are more diverse in direction. Doves don't have tusks/heavy fangs, as their claws made up for it. The stages shortened claws and increased the size of fangs as hand-to-hand became more common.

The Doves have a strange middle ground for their glamour. Shortening their height causes major discomfort so they're always at a height advantage, but they have very human-like faces and body shapes. Unglamoured/true form, they can't be in the clergy as they're too big. So they're usually stuck right in the middle as a half/half. When they figured out to glamour their wings away, they were worse than Rain with trying to stay upright and constantly falling - they lost their main balance function.

At this point, the clergy's stopped trying to ask them to glamour their wings away when around the Siblings. They'd rather not piss off the Doves after they've been constantly falling and stumbling.

Sarra keeps his wedding ring (Special) on as well as his guitar tape, just bc he can, and considers them something sacred that can't come off. When the ring does come off on rare occasions, 10/10 times it's because Sarra is about to commit murder on another ghoul LMAO - he doesn't want ghoul blood on his daily wear that's sensitive

If you made it this far, THANKS LMAO. Sorry for the slop, I don't draw very often. I also suck at drawing certain things (horns, paws, wings, PENIS........) But hey, I tried. So thanks! I also trace over my own art sometimes bc I prefer shortcuts when it comes to bodies. Headshots and hands I can do fine on my own, bodies? FORGET IT LOL

[inviouswriting]

A spicy fic with Zhongli in his half-dragon form? If you'll allow it 😮‍💨

This blog is 18+ minors DNI.

pure smut idea

I can probably go with half fic/ and hc. This sparked something finally~

Warnings below the cut.

Zhongli with hemi-peen. breeding kink, and size difference, fem!reader!

In his half-dragon form he is blessed with two dicks, and the first time seeing both he had advised you, you didn't have to do anything with how huge they are.

Yet you decide to indulge him in your own curiosity of trying to take both into your mouth to the point he is lost to pleasure. Can't fit both in your mouth, stroking one while you suck on the other, and changing it up.

His tail is wrapped around you and he can't get enough of you toying with both of them that he does attempt to get both into your pussy, he has to try. Having one inside is filling enough, but he works on getting the other in arranging you in such a way that he manages to get the other in.

You're mindless to being so full of two large cocks, and Zhongli has such a lazy smile at you so tight and drenched on him. He grinds more than thrusts, one of his hands between to press his thumb on your clit to flick it making you bounce on him.

When you're more accustomed to his sizes, he thrusts wildly, relving in the feeling of you squeezing him, and glowing gold eyes regard you while he praises you for taking both. Zhongli keeps your ass prepped just in case he slips, and when one of his cocks does slip out and you land on it, he does stop long enough for you to adjust to the sudden feel of both holes filled.

He goes with it and enjoys both while you scream out for more, and cum on his lap while he fills you full. He's far from done, he's only gotten a taste of pleasure from having you on him, and after cleaning you up from the anal play he has to try again, he won't be satisfied until both of his cocks have cum deep in your pussy.

He keeps this up till he is sure you are carrying too.

[parttimesarah]

💜MY HIGHLIGHTS FROM 4x3💚

Again, I love how quickly things are moving along and that we are already at the point where the nightclub is ready to be opened!

Nadja with a very funny hat situation (Two! One and two!)

The Guide calling Nadja “MISTRESS Nadja” 💀

Nandor is already realizing Marwa isn’t right for him, no matter how much he tries to make her fit his atrophied understanding of what a good life partner should be

Interesting that Nadja encourages Nandor to try changing himself. Could this lead into Nadja saying something to Nandor later on about his obvious love for Guillermo?

I LOVE how much Nandor is listening to Guillermo this season. They are such a good team!!

The Djinn emphasized how he usually grants wishes in a way that will teach someone a lesson, so that makes me wonder what the lesson is in having Nandor think about Guillermo whenever he uses his new peen. Right now I think it’s probably something to do with trying to get Nandor to realize his true feelings and so when Nandor made that offhand comment, the Djinn just had to go with it because he is trying to teach Nandor a lesson!

I totally and completely called that that offhand comment was going to end up being part of the wish! I am still recovering!

Marwa says that it “happens to a lot of guys.” To me that could mean that he did not perform at all or maybe JUST MAYBE that he performed a little too quickly… a Nandermo shipper can dream!!!!

Seeing Laszlo become the Dadszlo he is meant to be it’s so much fun! and Guillermo is such a good guncle! Guillermo also was the one commenting on Colin’s YouTube video 🥹

I do wonder if maybe part of being an energy vampire is changing the person that parented you. We know that Colin Robinson has said that his mother was “really boring.” And we also know that “his mother” was not biologically his mother (due to the whole chest-fetus thing) so there shouldn’t really be a reason for her to be super boring other than the fact that her child made her that way!

Seeing the whole gang rush up to help Nadja when she got pushed was so sweet. I’m really glad to see them focusing on the concept of family so much this season!

There is SO MUCH to say about contrasting the Nandermo relationship with the relationship between Richie Suck and Doctor Tom Schmidt, but that will need to be its own post after I’ve watched it a couple more times!

This season is off to a great start! 🦇

[evening-starlight]

Warm Beers

     McKenzie Shoupe always had strong feelings towards JJ Maybank, but they were always platonic. At least she thought they were. But when she slowly runs out of warm beer excuses for the funny feeling in her stomach whenever JJ's around, Kenzie thinks they might be more.

---

New Series Babys!! This one’s OBX because I just watched season 2 and am OBSESSED.

Taglist is open! Dm or Comment to be added.

All Works Master List

Warm Beers Master List

1

Word Count: 1582

---

    The music and laughter greet McKenzie's ears before she can see the party. She smiles to herself, knowing her friends are waiting for her by the fire. The sand gives way under her bare feet as she treks to the boneyard, greeting other people she knows on the way.

    "Shoupe Jr, what's up?" John B. yells, jogging over to Kenzie with an unopened can of beer for her. He swings his arm over her shoulders while guiding her towards the fire, where the rest of the group sits on logs. "Where does daddy dearest think you're at tonight?" Kenzie rolls her eyes as she takes a drink of the beer, making a face afterward.

    "Why the hell is my shit warm, Routledge?" John B. laughs and points at their blonde best friend.

    "Because JJ was in charge of the ice, and what does JJ do best?" Kenzie laughs and waves to the rest of the pouges, not forgetting to flip off her favorite, JJ Maybank.

    "Forgets shit," The group, including JJ, say in unison. JJ flips everyone off but smiles brightly. This was Kenzie's favorite spot in all of Outer Banks. The Boneyard with her four best friends, drinking beers by the fire and poking fun at each other. "So, where does Shoupe think you're at tonight?" JJ asks, making room on his log for his favorite girl to sit.

    Kenzie takes the seat and leans into JJ as he wraps his arm around her shoulders, playing absentmindedly with the strap of her bikini top. "At Sarah Cameron's," Kenzie says, drinking more of the disgustingly warm beer. "I haven't had her over in over a year, and he still thinks we're best friends." She laughs, shaking her head at her oblivious dad. "Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he lets me use her as an excuse because he knows I'm doing something with the people who give him high blood pressure." JJ scoffs and holds a hand over his heart in mock hurt.

    "Are you trying to tell me that your father doesn't approve of us?" Kenzie pushes JJ away with her elbow with a stupid grin. "I'm hurt, Ken, hurt." The group laughs with a shake of their head at JJ's theatrics. He fakes a pout while Kenzie steals his favorite red hat but really doesn't mind. She's the only person who's allowed to steal and wear his clothes.

    JJ wouldn't say he necessarily has a soft spot for McKenzie Shoupe, but if she asked him to jump, he'd ask how high. It's a mystery how the deputy's daughter and the town's bad boy became such good friends. All they know is that they can't go a day without each other.

    Kenzie lays her head on JJ's shoulder as she continues to joke and talk with her friends. An annoying feeling in his stomach makes him groan, gently pushing the girl off his shoulder. "Hey, you okay, J?" She asks, hand already feeling his forehead. The feeling gets worse, and he feels his face heating up.

    "I think the warm beer did something. My stomach isn't feeling too well right now," He mumbles. "I'm heading back to the chateau." He gets off the log and smiles at his friends. "I'll see you all up there later." JJ moves to leave, and Kenzie gets off her seat too.

    "I'm coming with you. I got to pee anyways," She says, shrugging. JJ lays his arms across her shoulder with a quick goodbye to the group, and they begin the short walk to the house. "You sure you're okay, J? You don't usually leave a party that soon after it starts," Kenzie worries. JJ would stay until the sun came up and after many boot and rallies. He was the party-going king.

     "Yeah, something just felt really off. But at least I learned the warm beer lesson," He jokes. McKenzie sighs with a nod. "You didn't have to come with me, you know? I'm a big boy who can take care of myself." She laughs and pushing him slightly away, only for him to push her back harder, nearly tripping her. The small amount of booze coursing through their system makes the situation funnier.

    "I know you can, but I honestly had to pee like a racehorse," She laughs, relief filling her as she sees the chateau coming into view. Kenzie should have honestly peed before she left, but she was too excited to think about it. The thought of seeing JJ again fueled her forgetfulness.

    "Well, Ken, I'm sorry to say, but you'll have to wait in line. I have to pee," JJ says before taking off in a sprint towards the house.

    "You mother fucker," She yells back, laughing as she chases after him. They wrestle and yell at each other as they trip up the steps until Kenzie gets the lead and slams the door in JJ's face. It won't be a long hold, but long enough to get to the toilet first.

    Kenzie barely reaches the restroom before JJ caught up to her, narrowly missing her waist as she dashes into the bathroom, already pulling down her pants. "Suck my dick, JJ," She laughs, sighing in relief as she finally gets to empty her bladder.

    "Only if you ask nicely, Ken," JJ prompts, grabbing a step stool from under the counter and standing on it like he's about to empty himself in the sink.

    "Oh my God, are you going to piss in the sink?" Kenzie asks in disgust. JJ smiles at her and starts unzipping his jeans. "Holy fuck, you're so unsanitary, Maybank."

    "Well, then look away," He exclaims, still undoing his pants to pee. "Unless you want to see my dick," He adds. McKenzie gags, shielding her eyes with her hand. "Oh, come on, you can't say you're not the least bit curious," JJ prompts as Kenzie hears the liquid splashing in the sink.

    "If you've seen one dick, you've seen them all, JJ." Kenzie jokes before wiping herself and pulling up her pants, looking the opposite of JJ.

    "I would like to disagree on that one, Ken," JJ rebuttals, situating himself back in his pants. The odd feeling is gone, so JJ chalks it up to having a full bladder. "See, dicks are just like pussys," He starts but stops when he sees Kenzie following him out without washing her hands. "Aren't you going to wash your hands?"

    Mckenzie raises an eyebrow as she says, "In the sink, you just pissed in? Not until it's bleached and gutted." JJ laughs and lets her lead them to the kitchen. "You were saying? About dicks and vaginas?"

    "Right," JJ starts again while he hops on the kitchen counter, watching Kenzie wash her hands in the sink there. "They're all different in their own beautiful ways." Kenzie chuckles at her friend's drunken analogy.

    "Is that your way of comforting yourself because you have a small peen?" Kenzie asks, turning around towards the boy, who immediately starts to protest. "No, no, it's okay. Like you said, everyone is beautiful in their own way," Kenzie jokes.

    "You want to see it and judge for yourself?" JJ asks, jumping off the counter, hands already on his button. Kenzie laughs, shaking her head before looking at the opening door. Kiara stops in her tracks, causing the other two boys to bump into her.

    "What's going on in here?" She asks, eyeing the situation. Kenzie is red and smiling while JJ's hands are on the hem of his pants.

    "JJ's trying to show me his micro-peen," Kenzie quips. JJ growls and lunges at her, causing her to squeal out a laugh and dodge his attack. She runs through the living room, laughing maniacally at JJ's continuous curses and insults while the rest of the group gazes on.

    JJ finally catches Kenzie, pinning her to the ground with her hands above her head. They're both panting and smiling at each other. "If someone didn't have a small penis, they wouldn't be so worked up over me calling them tiny dicked," Kenzie says, shrugging as best as she can in her compromising position.

    "Would you two just kiss already and stop this stupid thing you got going on? I'm tired of watching the constant pining," John B. sighs, plopping onto the couch. Kenzie suddenly feels claustrophobic with JJ on top of her, her heart beating faster and throat closing up.

    "Off," She mumbles, moving her wrists out of JJ's grasp as he slowly dismounts her. They stay silent as John B. puts turns on the TV, ignoring the awkward tension he caused between the two friends. JJ tries to hand Kenzie his hat back, knowing it's her favorite keepsake of his. She shakes her head timidly, squeezing between John B. and Pope, with her legs to her chest.

    "Why'd you guys leave?" JJ asks, setting the hat on the coffee table and planting himself next to Kie on the second sofa, avoiding Kenzie's watchful eye.

    Kie shrugs, bumping shoulders with JJ purposefully. "It's not a party without our party king there. Besides, too many Kooks showed up and ruined the vibe."

    McKenzie tries to ignore the angry feeling in her stomach, watching the two friends talk. She doesn't even know why she feels that way, but it only grows as JJ leans on Kiara. So much so that Kenzie has to avert her gaze to the animated show on the television, legs still clutched to her chest.

[pokehumanmagines]

hello 😳 is it ok to ask for a mix of sfw and nsfw headcanons for a zekrom x transmasc partner please ?? if a mix is too much to ask then just nsfw is fine NDJLWHSFJDL this blog is so fun thx for running it ✨

(I’m always here for my fellow transmascs. Also bless thank u I love writing for this blog. Do keep in mind I will still mention both penis and pussy, but that’s for my transmasc pals who have gotten bottom surgery. ) Sfw:

Zekrom is a large pal and is super attached to you after the events of B/W or B/W2, (depends on what you want).

He never wants to leave your side and goes with you everywhere, either outside or inside a poke ball doesn’t matter which, as long as he gets to be with you.

As he represents ideals, he is indeed very idealistic. Always sees the best in you, even in your lowest moments. So therefore fantastic at making you feel better during those times.

He may be big but please hug him. Hugs make him float up onto Cloud 9 and he will adore you more. Physical affection is going to be a cornerstone in your relationship.

Doesn’t quite understand any dysphoria you might have or desire to change your body in any way, but absolutely supports you 100%. Definitely calls you handsome all the time. Thinks your scars (if you have any) are super rad and will smooch them.

Nsfw:

As mentioned before he is beeg. Very beeg. Lube is going to be your best friend if attempting any penetrative sex and even then it’s probably not going to be the safest thing. Frottage is going to be much more common. Either peen against your peen or peen against your clit. Both will still feel very good regardless.

I hc Zekrom’s penis somewhat looking cervine or candid with small ribs/spines around the head and a very large knot. Coming out of a slit of course.

You know those weird adorable squeaks turtles make when mating? Yeah he makes those noises. It’s so cute, but please don’t make fun of him for it. He’s slightly embarrassed by it.

If you’re uncomfortable with him touching your chest he won’t even consider it. (trust me I know how it feels as a pre-top person with a big chest, bksdfbhkkd it sucks). He’ll focus on areas that make you feel good, not cause they’re the usual spots on seemingly everyone else, but because they genuinely feel super good.

Like lovingly and slowly running his claws up your side and back, around your inner thighs, like really weirdly sensitive places.

If you wanna pleasure him, eat out his slit before his dick comes out. Best place to go at it on any slit/sheath owning Pokemon, trust me. It’s a high pleasure zone. On that same vein, if you want to be the one penetrating, go for it on his slit, ass is also acceptable but he prefers it there. It either being an actual penis or strap-on, doesn’t matter to him feels good regardless.

(Just a little update to go with this, uh I've been having some bad mental health recently and that interrupted my writing work flow. I will try my best at getting back on it and finishing some other things up. Ask box will be closed until I get all the requests in it currently finished. :) Also I have some things planned on another writing blog if you wanna keep up with some other furry/anthro stuff I write, also reader-insert central. I'll link it whenever I've got some stuff up there. Have an absolutely lovely day/night.)

[jaynovz]

Black Sails night with Lauren @boatsfordays

2.3

Miranda gives James Don Quixote: -Lauren starts singing the man of la mancha(1972)- “I actually hate that show”

Vane’s crew “that guy needs a shower... yeah I don’t think those are purposeful dreadlocks”

Ned Lowe talking about how Vane is the one you don’t fuck with

Lauren: thank you for noticing that I’m a bad bitch

about Vane and Eleanor “Oh he’s conflictedddd. tough pirate side doesn’t want to but lover boy side wants to win her over”

about MaxAnne sex scene re: cunnilingus “her face is uhhh not low enough for that. I mean I know it’s acting but...”

Flint and Silver going ashore “Oh is it just the two of them together on shore? ohhh this is where the ship really starts to sail huh? I seeeee” (indeeeeed)

“Max is calling Vane out how he’s simping in 4k”

Flint: He must be removed from that fort:

“ohhh boy I don’t think that’s gonna happen. and Flint doesn’t know about that other captain that’s giving her trouble that Vane is trying to fix”

James opens door to Miranda “he looks so confused lol”

“he look so young without his beard”

about Miranda “she being sus”

Hornigold: how can you stand so close to him knowing what he’s done and sooner or later you’ll be next?

Lauren: cuz he wants to fuck.

Silver: five million pieces of eight

Lauren: nah it’s ass reasons

about the fort nonsense “Flint does Not want to deal with this right now, he is so annoyed”

about Jack failing to get a new crew “just stay in the brothel, live a happy brothel life. You’re doing so well there!”

“There’s a lot of simping happening in this show. it causes ppl to make questionable decisions” (listen you’re not wrong)

about Jack and Vane public reconciliation: “Jack’s like ‘I dunno if I should be excited or terrified. I’m a little afraid of getting my heart broken, please don’t break my heart sir.’ are they gonna hug, are they gonna make out. OH THEY HUGGED IT HAPPENED”

about James “he does not look like a good kisser” (RUDE)

about Toby Stephens/Flint  “listen here’s the thing, I support him, no okay I do not support him, but like, red head solidarity. But like, I can’t. He looks like my father, that’s what my dad looks like. His like freckle situation is the same freckle situation as my dad. It’s never gonna happen” (I was fucking LOSING IT)

“Everybody wants to be at sea, why?? it’s scary”

about new low “what is going on with his teeth”

“They don’t play music on the action scenes and it makes them way scarier”

“Eleanor are you still sure this is the business you want to be in?”

“Vane def had that ‘I’m bout to get LAID’ look in his eye”

“Why does everyone want to sail?? they had a good thing goin”

“Jack needs Max to show him her ways so he can be better at sex. Jack needs a teaching session” (lmaooooooooo)

(Lauren is cheering for the MaxAnneJack ot3)

“Everyone is getting laid this episode... except for Flint” (I meannnn James got laid in the flashback)

About Flint and Silver: “Is it time for them to fuck now? I mean this is the fuck episode, everybody simping in 4k”

“I guess not... Flint is still upset that he’s stuck with Silver as his new right hand man. Silver has too much sass for him, he’s too young. Flint is not here for it” (BAHAHAHAHA Lauren’s commentary is always So Interesting)

Flint speech “is he LYING to them AGAIN. This motherfucker”

“Oh god he’s goin after Vane, this is not good, don’t do it”

“Oh Flint has nice handwriting”

about Flint and Vane “Why can’t they just be friends??” 

2.4

“I still don’t like Flint, I don’t want him to succeed. He has not done anything to make me like him.” (HARSH but I get it) 

“This is so stressful, I would not want to live this life”

MaxAnneJack morning after “many feet! they had a good time”

“More peen! they like to show his peen don’t they, that’s the second time” (this is about Jack naked LOL)

“My prediction is that Jack is going to be the key to all this, the one to devise a plan and take Flint down. Jack is my favorite character btw” 

“Yeah Vane sucks but he’s not a manipulator. He’s straightforward, you know what he’s about--super violent and kinda rash but he’s not a liar. 

But Flint is like a big time liar and manipulator (Me: so is Silver) yeah but he’s not the Captain, he’s just tryna get by, survive, make some money and maybe get his dick wet” (BAHAHAHHA that’s... not a bad summary)

“stupiddd... stupid men oh my god”

(Me: I’m really fascinated that you like Vane more than Flint, I wonder if that will change)

“Well, there’s some honor among pirates and Vane understands that and Flint does NOT”

Do you see me as the villain here? convo: “Yeah you are the villain sir. but it’s okay he wants to fuck the villain. Sorry... I just like viewing everything through a horny lens” (pffffft eyes emoji)

“I like this trio. I want them all to be happy and I want them to succeed more than anyone” (about MaxAnneJack)

“His hair is so curly and clean wtf”

“Jack has so many conflicted feelings about Max, I mean I don’t blame him. She’s fuckin his girl but also she’s helping him.” 

about Alfred Hamilton, “-sarcastic- well doesn’t he look like a pleasant person”

‘James is like ‘don’t do it ho don’t do it’ and Thomas is like ‘I did it’ ” (about Thomas telling his dad about the pardons)

“I mean... I agree with him too but it’s not gonna go well” (about James talking shit at Alfred Hamilton)

About shelling the fort “Flint listen to Mr. Scott, he’s right. You better back down sir but I know you’re not going to... oh god, he can’t. oh godddddd”

--

Lauren’s larger thoughts right now:

“Okay okay so Flint and Silver are both manipulators, but they’re in different ways right?”

“Okay so we know what’s up with Silver right? He wants to get rich, he’s not a man in power, he’s just the cook, he’s not responsible for the good of the crew. Okay he has some power but it’s subtle. He wants to get his money and get out. And I can sort of like... I get that, that’s forgivable to me. He’s a sneaky little shit who’s going to keep doing sneaky little shit things.”

“But FLINT. He’s in power, he has so much responsibility, and he’s using his crew for his own purposes. He’s like, lying to them constantly and using them and he killed his best friend. It’s really shitty, like way shittier to me. He’s so like... dishonorable.”

[monkey-network]

The Fiasco Finale of Future [1/2]

So in the penultimate episode of Steven Universe 2, the climax of both the season and series as a whole... is a group hug. As I expected, plenty were not too pleased with this turnout. Some felt it was anti-climatic, some felt it was resonating, and others tried to own the critics by digging deep into the scene like they always do sucking this show’s co- Coming from nearly a month later, I’m... split. One hand, I didn’t mind the climax. On the other hand, it was pathetic compared to plenty of other finales I’ve seen in media. It’s like this show as a whole, I enjoy it, but I also enjoy smacking it upside the head cuz it made some Karen-esque, All Lives Matter type stupid shit that I just cannot get behind. So you know what, Perry the Platypus, let’s mix it up. I wanna express the good and bad of this climactic end to the show and see where we can go from there. You ready?

What’s Good:

You truly wanna know what makes that final hug a great scene? A real showstopper? I have the truth, the best truth behind this, you won’t believe me but here goes. The climax worked because A Hug Is Nice. That’s it, there’s nothing else to it beyond a hug being nice. “But Monkey, you incel troll, there’s should’ve been more to that. The episode shouldn’t have taken that long to get to that point.” Well, in typical fashion, let me put it this way by talking about Spider-Man 2 (better than Spiderverse, don’t @ me). The whole movie is centered around Peter’s life getting shat on. He’s getting fired left and right, his people are abandoning him, he even loses his powers, he’s just at his utter lowest. But at his apartment, while contemplating, in comes his landlord’s daughter, Ursula, who offers him some chocolate cake and a glass of milk.

We can say the scene comes out of nowhere and that this is all that happens, feeling pointless, but I say this is an important scene because after everything that happens to him before, this one gesture from somebody out of nowhere to be honest was one of the nicest things he’s received in a while. It’s the seedling of a scene that keeps Parker going before Doc Ock comes to make him truly spring back into action. Above everything, it was nice. Like a hug.

I don’t need to be philosophically deep with SU2′s meta to tell you that a hug can be a worthwhile thing to get more than anything. It doesn’t resolve all the baggage Steven has in his mind, but a group hug from the people closest to you (and the Diamonds) can be a gesture so nice, it can numb you out, if only for a moment. Only other times where Steven got a hug was when he felt everything could be okay. With Lars, Peridot, and Connie after her “rejection”, and it’s after that “rejection” where he slowly loses it in his attempts to shake off that harsh feeling of abandonment and that everything can be okay. It is something where he can turn to the others for help but the concern of their response makes him reasonably suffer in silence. That last part is a little dumb, but I’ll get to that later. He can’t really hug himself because it doesn’t work like that. The point being that Steven, at his lowest, just needed something nice to consider. And a hug from everyone who loves him (and the Diamonds) can be that piece of chocolate cake he needed to be at ease, again, if only for a moment.

Like let me tell ya, as a deliriously depressed man that constantly wishes for death, a hug shouldn’t be spat on. Whether it be from your friends or mommy, a good hug can, at the very least, keep you sane and going. It isn’t medication, let’s not get it twisted, but a healthy remedy nonetheless, especially if you’ve ever felt touch-starved like I have before. It’s an affectionate gesture that for what it’s worth, should never be taken for granted. And while Steven could’ve well gotten this big type hug at almost any time he desired, I can at least appreciate the show for saving that at the right time. Whew. But, while the moment itself is nice, it’s predictably almost everything around it that unfortunately puts the moment in a vacuum and me with a bad taste in my mouth.

What’s Bad: 

Let’s get this out the way, because I’m such a literal bastard... *inhale*

Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.

MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!

Congrats on those with the corrupted!steven theories who no doubt had it hard on when this horned trunk ascended, hung its head high, and beat its meaty chest with blind rage, the crewniverse certainly had the balls to go with this design and a long discussion of utilizing Monster Steven’s full potential. And if you think I’m nasty about this, hoo boy, be glad that words are all you’re seeing right now because artists no doubt had a field day potentially ruining this design for you even more. I’m surprised Tumblr’s flagging system hasn’t taken down whole posts with this. HEHEHEHAAAAAAAA!

As you can probably tell, I’m not a fan of this Diamond Dinodildo’s design (say that 5x times fast). I mean Rebecca could be as horny as she pleased with this show, but this is next level, I tell you. But seriously, it honestly sucked that this is what they came up with when it served no purpose to Steven thematically other than him being a literal peen of a monster. Said this before, but what does becoming a corrupted looking amalgamation mean to him beyond “he’s a monster”? Corrupted gems weren’t the worst things in his world, they were products of a even worse thing. Turning into a diamond like figure would’ve said something about the cycle of abuse making you not feel like yourself, but a reflection of who you not only resent more than anyone, but were the indirect causes of your newfound issues. That would’ve took his struggle in the Diamonds Days arc to its next logical extreme, and brought most of Future’s episodes centered around Steven’s issues to a sensible turning point. Being a warped Diamond version of himself would’ve meant finally embracing inhumanity, and that would’ve conveyed the peak of Steven harshly feeling less like a human over the course of the season, especially when we had several episodes and new powers centering around him being inhuman. And a previous episode had him try to shatter a Pink version of White Diamond, two beings generally responsible for everything that’s happened to him. And it isn’t the design that made this a turn off.

What was Steven even gonna do as a monster? He does nothing to the town, he never even makes it pass the cliffside. He doesn’t even try to attack anybody, the only times he does is when he’s provoked by either the Cluster, the Diamonds, or any of the gems. Spinel raised more hell than Steven. So on the look back it’s insultingly sad they hyped up this big dick energy only to do... genuinely nothing. He already didn’t deserve turning into Pinky the Phallisaurus, but having him not even do anything as a monster left far more to be desired. Mob Psycho 100 did this nearly identical, but better. You can’t deny that it would’ve worked better with 22 minutes, actually give him something to do beyond screech and stomp like he’s Scrat from Ice Age. As much as I don’t like Change Your Mind, 45 minutes worked to its favor to do everything it did. Oh wait, this episode did make good use of time... with a fucking pity party.

They wasted my baby

This is. The WORST scene in the entire series and I’ll stand by that 100%. It’s one thing to show something offensive, but it’s another to have something be completely pointless. Yes, Connie talked some sense into them, but we didn’t need to waste time having White Diamond and the others bitch about something everyone who isn’t a toesucking simp should’ve figured out at that point. Not like it mattered, the Diamonds and Spinel never show up after this episode anyways, so good job making them count for something, I guess. This as well as minorly acknowledge the fact that the gems had a lot to do with Steven’s mental trauma because hey, we don’t have to hold these gems too accountable for child neglect. Speaking of which, where was Jasp- This plays well into my previous point, we aren’t shown what Steven was gonna do as a monster, so what else is the episode to do beyond holding him back in time to just make the characters go “All is lost” for one second before getting back up like this is Marvel’s Captain Driftwood?

Friendship is Magic had this type of moment in its penultimate finale but in that, more time was given to show the villains getting the upper hand, Twilight at her low point, her turnaround with her friends, and the lead in charge to defeat the villains. While some moments felt convenient and downright insulting, they made the most of their limit. The same can’t be said for this and it makes no sense. Speaking of things that make no sense:

Was this shapeshifting or corruption? Rushing or dragging? This personally bothers me because people are saying he shapeshifted even when they were also on board with him corrupting. But what was the point where monster Steven cums cries into the ocean turning it pink?

Now if Steven got himself corrupted, this would make sense since the three Diamonds are there with so fully turning him back to normal wouldn’t be an issue. Questions would arise about how corruption can happen to a human, then again this is Steven Universe, fans never really wanted you to ask questions. But if this was shapeshifting, then why have this permanent monster form? It would’ve made a little more sense of Steven changing his shape depending on his emotions, like what we’ve seen before. Additionally, Steven should have been capable of talking normally instead of roaring and growling like he switched brains with an actual animal. Just because he kinned Godzilla’s joystick doesn’t mean he was unable to speak to anybody, that is if he shapeshifted. Lastly, and this is more implicit than my previous points:

This season shouldn’t have tried tacking mental issues and trauma onto this dickslap of a climax. I’m on the side where we should’ve seen more from monster Steven, but what does this tell me for the topic of mental health? Nearly killing people on three separate occasions didn’t help, but having him transform into a near mindless beast is a backhanded way to convey post traumatic stress. Let me put it this way, if we didn’t get that episode where we learn Steven had held up trauma and stress from Doctor Priyanka, everything surrounding it afterward wouldn’t feel as fucked up as it did. Yes, understanding a root of a character’s problems is good, beneficial even, but having your character nearly, sporadically, commit MURDER THREE TIMES only to then have him become a wildin’ creature does nothing, if not disgust. It's disgusting when you talk about PTS one minute and have your main character be socially dangerous the next. You’d feel sorry for him, sure, but I gotta say nearly killing people is not something we should just hand wave. That is not a good or realistic depiction of depression and post traumatic stress; especially when you trying to discuss this with children. And don’t try to justify it by saying it was necessary for his downward spiral. Having to think and see death before my own eyes in real life, there should’ve been a better way to make Steven hit rock bottom without putting other’s lives on the line. It wasn’t compelling or resonating to see him become a witless creature after saying he could get away with anything, it felt jarringly hallow and teeth gritting sadistic to think this was acceptable. It took him turning into a literal creature to finally go to therapy or a throwaway line about therapy in this show’s case? Are you kidding me?

The hug is a nice moment on its own, but it took far too many kneecaps to get to this point and think it’s believably or justly earned. I can make fun of the monster design all I want, but what they put Steven through to get to this point is the most insulting writing I ever have to think about. Because you know what that hug told me, personally? It’s that you can commit near irrefutable atrocities, you can behave like a blithering rampaging beast all you wish, but that won’t matter. Because you’re valid and your people will love you. That is not only asinine, but it kinda pissed on what I went through growing up. Like, as idealistic as that felt, it didn’t add up because it made the mentally unstable come off as more unstable than they mostly are. You can disagree all you want with this, it won’t change the baffling fact that I came to this conclusion in the first place when I didn’t want to. “But the crew said in an interv-” NO, just nope. If the message the show gives is this polarizing for those that invested or were concerned with it, maybe the message wasn’t clear enough, who knows? I can believe Mr. Rogers never fucked this up when he made his show. I tried thinking of this differently, but I can’t excuse what they did and how they did it. Bojack Horseman never pulled this with its main lead and when it truly did, that was given more time to sort out; not an 11 minute epilogue in its final moments. The hug was nice, but this episode was trash.

Speaking of which, next time...

We Finally Look to the Future

Here’s Part 2, if you’re up.

[monochromemedic]

Alright here’s my piece on this. I’ve been over some of this before. 1. The racist thing. No she’s... really not. You see the clips you see are all towards people who are asian correct? Let’s for second say she IS racist. She lived in Japan for how long like.. .years. Has tattoos of asian culture on her, and speaks the langauge, I believe she taught over there. now if say you were a racist or there was a racist against uhh... Germans. If you were say racist against Germans, where would be the last place you’d wanna go. Germany? Would you want to learn the language? No, you hate them. Would you want to have tattoos that involve their culture on you. no you hate them. Also i’ve seen the clips and I... honestly can’t tell the airport one as being racist, it’s been a while since i’ve seen it but I think it was more about language barrier or just airport security then ‘hey look japanese people don’t know shit’ then anything. And the other clip the one where she’s playing resident evil and says hello to the one character uh... ada? I can’t remember. It could be that she said... ‘herro’ or she could have just said it in a weird way that sounded like that.  I don’t know.  But in terms of people saying she’s horribly racist the evidence is... not adding up for me. IF someone is racist their gonna say and do shit more then just say ‘herro’ or complain about japanese airport customs. It’s gonna be something way bigger. And like i said if she was racist against presumably Japanese or asian people why the hell would she devote most of her life living there and learning the language. It doesn’t add up. 2. That one Transphobic game.  I didn’t know it was transphobic/against gay people at first either. Then again, i’m a dumbass. I just assumed it was more about weird... jerking off Idk games on steam are fucking weird. But looking back on it now, yeah I see the tells.  I think it was the same with Sean. Looking for content, ‘oh the name of this is funny’ plays it, doesn’t realize it.  But you have to remember he heard the concerns, apologized and took it down.  If Sean was Transphobic or against the lgbtqa+ I doubt he would take that direct of an action. That and the fact that he has donated and supported to groups and people who are part of the lgbtqa+. You’ve seen him play games with characters that fall into the groups before and relate to them and understand them and talk to the screen. I doesn’t see this as him suddenly not caring i see it as a lapse in judgement or a obliviousness that he went back and tried to correct. 3. Coranavirus joke? ADHD joke? I haven’t listened to 3 peens cause i usually get there later and i can see the games they play on the channels but it seems like he made a joke to Mark about the virus and about adhd.  Yes a joke like that can be tasteless, it’s dark humor but i’m gonna take a guess and say that Mark reacted and didn’t... care to either of the jokes. I feel like he wouldn’t. Why. Because they are friends and friends tell fucked up jokes to each other all the time. Now if Mark was uncomfortable that’s a different story and probably something he and Sean should talk about that has nothing to do with us. But otherwise it’s probably just a bad joke or teasing.  Have you heard some of the other jokes they say on the podcast? Bob joked about kicking dogs, Wade occasionally makes sexual innuendos that aren’t the most tasteful. They tease each other like no ones elses business so it just makes me wonder why these two jokes or teases are getting the most attention. 4. Toxic community/ doesn’t respond.  What the hell is he suppose to do. He is one man, and there are millions here. Yes he use to talk to us here and you know what he said. He was in a hell because he tried to solve every little problem, explain every little thing, he spent so much time checking up on people.  It’s all he did. And he was in a horrible place in his life. What would you like him to do? Go back to that and monitor every little thing and place the ban hammer down like he’s the law? Do you want him to spend most of his time spending it here and not living his life?  He said he’s taking a step back cause doing that is hell on his mental health and we saw it. One person can’t manage millions of people literally millions. It’s hard. So maybe the ‘go back to the green hair’ is talking about those moments of time,when everything seemed happy but in reality according to Sean, for him it sucked. Or he tries to take a step back and we all try to handle things on our own.  It’s a tough decisions and each one has flaws but I think Sean’s mental well being is more important then that.   But yes I agree the whole ‘pma, just cheer up’ and ignoring issues is shitty and NOT the way to go about it. Talking is needed but sometimes you can’t talk to people and other times they don’t wanna talk and just wanna make shit into more of storm. And at that point you just gotta block and walk away and think for yourself about issues that have been brought up. And if you don’t like them, then perhaps leaving is for the best. Sean isn’t the person he use to be yes. But... can you look back at your life a few years ago and say you were exactly the same person you use to be? Sure you might not do the mistakes Sean does but also you aren’t on camera everyday watched by millions with people counting on you all the time. That stresses a person. And sure that’s not an excuse it’s an insight on some things. You aren’t the same as you 2 years ago, 1 year ago, maybe even a month ago. And yet we’re putting Sean by these standards because he’s not exactly handling every topic the same as he once did and fucks up. Why? If you think Sean is really going off the rails, and won’t change then you gotta leave. I’m not saying that to be mean im saying that for YOU. It’s stressful and trying to possibly change a situation you don’t have control over isnt’ gonna help. You aren’t gonna change this outcome, if you think he’s doing bad or is turning into an asshole leave. You have no commitment or need to tie yourself to someone you once liked. If you think their being an ass then you are free to leave and if the truth comes out that they blew up a kitten or something horridence, then you can be the first one to come back and be like ‘i knew there was something wrong, and he was changing’ But connecting your life directly to one man and what he’s doing and weither he’s good or bad isn’t good and it’s holding you back. You gotta let it go and move on for alot of peoples sake, mostly your own, because that’s not healthy. 

[the-mad-starker]

Alpha Peter with beta Tony and Peter decides to submit himself to Tony by allowing Tony to fuck Peter not only that Peter allows Tony to lock his cock in a cock cage as Tony fucks him of course with Peter's super strength he breaks the cage when he gets hard but he still lets Tony have control for Peter loves and trusts his mate

Sorry for the late response! I actually answered one of your asks but Tumblr flagged it cause I was being naughty 😩 I was trying to do 2 asks in 1 too so 😩😩 here's my, maybe 3rd attempt to answer this.

I mentioned this ask to some of my friends and one of them provided this image which I think puts perfectly what I imagined if Peter's cock breaks out of a cage. (I tried to include the image but yeeep that's why it got flagged 😂) basically a happy peen. It's been turned into an emoji though so if we ever talk on discord, I'd be glad to showcase it haha

TBH though, the logic for this ask is sound! But I can't help imagining how incredulous they'd both be when it happens. Just means Tony has to make his own toys but that's nothing new 😏

2nd ask!

That... Actually isn't too strange for me 😮 I think I've had similiar discussions about someone sticking to someone instead of knotting haha! But! I love the idea of rutting. Like even with the alpha caught inside, they can't help but rut so the knot shifts inside a bit, tugging on the hole and well, could be painful, could be intensely pleasurable, maybe both?

But that little bit if give makes alphas rut and it's both torture and so good for whoever's being knotted 😍

Peter sticking to Tony in this case, hmm, maybe I'm thinking about it differently? Oh– I have read other types of getting suck in someone. Mainly mermen AU, think the Hannibal one I read called it hooking? Sounds intense 👀

[slashthedice]

Had this prompt in my head. Normal girl from Dallas, living her best life. One day, she finds herself in a bar, people listening to country music, drinking, dancing, having fun... the sound of a chainsaw catches her attention. The door of the bar is swiftly destroyed, a hunky man swinging a chainsaw around. Another man comes in, talking about revenge on the bar owner, laughing maniacally... the hunky man notices you, and your heart starts beating faster. Maybe Bubba Sawyer x reader NSFW? :3

Yes please! ♥(ﾉ´∀`)  I am so here for this.This one ended up being quite a bit longer than originally intended so uhhh I’m splitting it up. Second part will ideally be finished and posted later this week and will contain the NSFW bits. Might end up crossposting this one to ao3 as well. Soundtrack for this one is this which I was introduced to by @slashers-hell (＾ω＾)

It had been a wild night. None of your friends had been available to go out, but that hadn’t stopped you. You were young and looking for action, excitement, something to spice up the humdrum of everyday life. You found yourself at a small bar that you didn’t typically visit.

It was late, certainly later than you had planned to be out by yourself. Last call was breathing down your neck, and you could tell that the cantankerous proprietor and acting bartender was chomping at the bit to kick those of you still finishing your drinks out. Any minute he would tell you to settle your tabs and clear out.

You looked around the small bar, better able to take it in now that your inebriation had dulled to a slight buzz. It was all old wood panelling and aged furniture. A haze of cigarette smoke seemed to hang in the dimly lit space despite the numerous No Smoking signs posted on the walls and doors. A single light above the jukebox flickered on and off as the machine spun out the mellowed jazzy sound of a guitar that hung in the air thicker than the smoke.

The remaining patrons of the establishment were a motley crew, each varying levels of drunken and haggard, and each sure to be sporting a fierce hangover in the coming hours. You found that you were the youngest person left in the bar, and the one that fit in the least. You were a young woman looking for a good time and rounding out her night of bar crawling, not a hardened alcoholic looking for an escape amongst strangers.

The space had gone through quite the shift over the course of only a couple hours. When you had rolled up to the bar, the gravel parking lot had been packed with cars. Those populating the building were a mix of regulars and people drawn in by the flickering of the near ancient sign illuminated by neon letters. You recalled thinking that they had to be breaking some sort of fire code when you had forced your way into the middle of the mass of bodies dancing to the twangy notes of some southern songstress on the dancefloor. You had danced and laughed and drank, making new friends for the night with the girls exchanging drunken compliments in the bathroom as they did more harm than good while trying to fix their makeup in the tarnished, cracked mirror.

Your fleeting friends had long since disappeared into the night, and now you sat alone at one end of the dingy bar with one hand propping up your chin and the other wrapped around the once cold glass of a half-finished beer mug. Your arms and legs felt heavy, and your skin was coated in a layer of dust and dirt adhered by your own cooled sweat. You didn’t dare even glance towards any reflective surface, sure that what had once been an alluring smokey eye now gave you the appearance of a raccoon and that your hair was a tangled mess. You knew that you should settle up and head home, the softness and warmth of your bed calling to your exhausted body, but you couldn’t bring yourself to motion the barkeep over.

The relative quiet stillness of the bar was shattered by what sounded like a chainsaw revving outside the door. Around you, the barflies all looked up. You weren’t familiar with the area, but you had a feeling that chainsaws weren’t an average occurrence at this time of night.

“What the hell is all that racket?” The gruffness of the bartender’s voice cut through the roar of the unexpected saw.

He rounded the bar, brushing by you and making a beeline for the door. The thump of his boots covered both the din of the mechanical growl and the already drowned out lilt of music. All the patrons were silent, watching with curiosity and confusion as the old man went to confront whoever was disturbing the tenuous peace that can only be found at the end of a long night. The chainsaw had only gotten louder as the moments rolled on, and as the proprietor drew closer to the door it sounded like whoever was wielding the dangerous implement was basically already inside.

You watched the old man’s sure steps falter as he neared the door. The initial rage he had felt must have died when he realized the implications of facing an unknown person with a potentially deadly weapon. He hesitated, hand reaching for the knob but frozen mid air. The bar itself seemed to hold its breath with anxious anticipation of what would happen next.

Then the door exploded.

A shower of wood and splinters flew through the air, pelting the old man and startling everyone. Someone dropped a glass, but the sound of it shattering was masked by the roaring buzz of a chainsaw that echoed through your head and vibrated through your body. Everything seemed to be in slow motion as you watched him fall to the ground and debris fly through the air.

The man that stepped through the ruins of the door was massive, easily nearing six and a half feet tall. He loomed over the now terrified old bartender with the chainsaw you had heard prior raised above his head. He appeared to be wearing some kind of mask. There was little time to consider him further before a smaller man scampered in behind him. This new man seemed jittery, twitchy and somehow scared you more than the one with the literal chainsaw.

The chainsaw ground to a halt, and the bar was suddenly almost unnervingly quiet. You, along with the other patrons, were frozen with shock as this all played out before you. The small man stood over the old man, tittering excitedly and pointing what appeared to be a bent metal coat hanger at the prone male.

“Do you remember me?” He seemed to struggle with the words, stuttering slightly. “You kicked me out after taking my money. I was just trying to listen to music, man!”

The bartender seemed to remember his prior rage, though he seemed much less intimidating on the floor. “Yeah, I remember you! You almost broke my damn jukebox!”

“Music is my life, man, and you were disrespecting it!”

The old man began to attempt to struggle to his feet. “I’ll kick you out again! You and whatever the hell that is,” he growled, jerking his chin in the direction of the mountain of a man that now cradled the chainsaw with a surprising amount of delicacy.

Faster than your eye could follow, the jittery man pulled a ball-peen hammer out of thin air and with a loud crack! he brought it down hard on the other man’s balding head. With this single violent action, the entire bar erupted with activity. You sucked in a harsh gasp, hardly able to grasp what exactly you bore witness to. The men a little ways down the bar from you shot to their feet, moving to assist the man that was now under attack. This prompted the grinding growl of whirring teeth as the chainsaw was coaxed back to life.

��Get ‘em, Leatherface!” The rat-like man howled, shaking the bloodied hammer in the direction of the bar.

You were on your feet and running for the back before your mind could catch up with your instincts. You sprinted towards the cramped hallway that housed the bathrooms and what you had assumed was a back door. It was mere seconds before you heard screaming and the horrible wet sound of flesh being carved through. You whimpered as you threw yourself at the back entrance, becoming more and more desperate as you realized that it wasn’t budging.

To your horror, as you examined the door, you found a thick padlock sealing it shut. You pulled uselessly on it, knowing that it was futile but not knowing what else you could hope to do. The screaming quieted to moaning, which died into silence in the main bar room. Your struggles with the lock grew more desperate, but were still just as ineffective.

“Where’s the girl? Go get the girl!”

Your heart was in your throat when you heard those words from the strange man. An affirmative noise came from the other man. You were crying then, though you tried to quiet your sobs. The lock was going nowhere and your only option was to hide.

You ducked into the bathroom, cursing the way your boots slipped against the smooth tile. You ran to the last stall in the row, closing the door behind you, locking it, and balancing on the edge of the toilet seat with your knees pulled up to your chest. You knew it was silly, that the large man with the chainsaw would find you easily and hack you to bits, but you were scared, still slightly intoxicated, and completely out of ideas.

You heard the bathroom door slam open and had to stifle a whimper with your trembling hands. The chainsaw was turned off, and the only sound was his heavy footsteps on the dirty tile. There was a loud bang! as the door to the first stall was thrown open. The same happened with the second, then the third, and then you could see his boots underneath the door in front of you.

He pushed lightly on the door, probably expecting it to swing open as easily as the others had. When it didn’t budge, he pounded against it with a single meaty fist. The flimsy lock did not stand a chance. You yelped and tried to push yourself even further back, coming dangerously close to tumbling into the toilet bowl.

As the stall door slammed against the wall, you got a good look at the large man for the first time that night. The fluorescent bathroom lights haloed his bulky form. He was dressed up in a nice black suit, white button up shirt soaked with sweat and dust from his destruction of the front door. You realized with a sick jolt that what you had thought was a halloween mask of some sort appeared to be a second face worn over top of his own, a human face.

He pulled back on the cord of the chainsaw and it made a grinding sound but did not start. You knew that you had reached the end of the line. If he could get the mechanical tool going, you would become quickly and intimately acquainted with the acute pain that the whirring metal teeth of the saw could cause. As a last ditch effort, you did the only thing you could think of.

“Stop that!” You said as sternly as you could, trying to look as confident as a person cowering on a toilet was capable of.

He looked at you with more than a little confusion, but he didn’t pull the ripcord again. You took this as a good sign. You swallowed thickly, adrenaline still buzzing through your veins and fear tingling across your nerves.

“What’s your name?” Your voice sounded tremulous in your ears.

He looked around in a way that almost seemed nervous. He half shrugged and fiddled with the chainsaw. It seemed like he wanted to answer your question, but that he couldn’t find the words.

“You don’t have to tell me. I’m [Y/N],” you continued, not wanting him to get upset.

He lowered the bloodied chainsaw a little further, and hope swelled in your chest. He babbled something that was near incomprehensible, but the more optimistic part of your brain translated it as a repetition of your name. You smiled and nodded with more force than was necessary.

He seemed conflicted, shifting his weight and glancing back and forth between you and the door. When he was looking at you, you could feel his deep walnut colored eyes travel over you. He seemed particularly appreciative of your bare legs beneath your denim shorts when you slowly lowered them to the ground to steady yourself, as that was where his hesitant gaze lingered the longest.

Finally, he seemed to decide what to do with you. He dropped to his knees in front of you, motioning for you to stay where you were with one upheld hand. He yammered and babbled at you, and while you couldn’t understand what exactly he was trying to say, you could surmise his general intent and stayed put. Even kneeling, he was nearly eye-level with you as you sat on the edge of the toilet seat.

Maybe it was the alcohol still left in your system or maybe you were finally losing your mind, but at this proximity you could make out some of his features beneath the stolen face and you found yourself admiring what you saw. He had wide, dark eyes that followed your every move and searched your face. You could just see the shape of his mouth through the hole in the mask. Every time he babbled at you, you were granted a glimpse of misshapen and misaligned teeth. However, his lips were full and plump, glistening where his pink tongue darted out to lick nervously.

You watched him peel off his black gloves. His hands were much like the rest of him, meaty and strong. His fingers were short and stubby, but nearly as thick as two of your own. You nearly slapped yourself when you caught your mind wandering to how those fingers would feel against and inside you. All you could hope was that he wouldn’t notice the way your face suddenly reddened. You needn’t have worried, as he was focused on his new task. He dragged those same fingers you were admiring across the bloodied guide bar, collecting the cooling red substance on their tips.

When he reached towards you with his now blood-soaked hands you fought against all of your instincts that screamed for you to recoil. You could not suppress, however, the shuddering breath that left you when you felt the odd sticky warmth of blood smeared across your face. You wanted to grasp his wrist, to stop him, but he looked at you with such focus and intensity that you did not. Once your cheeks, forehead, and chin were sufficiently covered, he collected more of the macabre paint and spread it over your neck and chest. You whined in protest when he smeared the crimson over your shirt, surely ruining it, but he cut off your complaints with a huffed noise of warning.

Once he was done, he took a moment to sit back on his heels and admire his work. You were sure that you were now just a bloodied mess of gore and viscera. He nodded slightly before standing and lifting the chainsaw once more. You watched with confusion as he fumbled with it for a moment before yanking on the ripcord. You screamed then, sure that after all the hope and whatever had just happened, he was going to kill you anyway. He yelled too, waving the tool above his head before swinging it back and forth.

The whirring teeth never found you. He destroyed the wooden stall doors and broke the porcelain tiles. Your screams quieted as you watched the swathe of destruction he cleaved through the space. You realized he had no intention of hurting you, but that he was making a show of it for someone, probably the other man out front. Finally, when he was content with the scope of his demolition, he let the motor sputter and die. Then there was silence with the exception of his labored breathing.

He made a series of hurried motions which you somehow understood to mean “play dead”. Your intention was to slump back against the back of the toilet and go limp, but before you could do that one of his muscled arms found your waist and he was hoisting you over his shoulder. You nearly shrieked at the sudden motion, but remembered just in time that you were supposed to be dead. You let yourself go slack, arms dangling down his back as your knees pressed into his chest and his shoulder dug into your midsection.

He carried you from the bathroom and back into the bar. If he bumped your pliant form into a doorway or two, or if the steadying hand on your thigh was just a bit higher than you suspected was necessary, you didn’t say anything. You squeezed your eyes shut so that you would not have to see the carnage that you were sure was spread across the dancefloor. Your willful blindness did little to prevent the assault of the scent of copper from invading your senses, you could all but taste the blood on your tongue.

“Bubba!” So that was his name. “You got her?”

You felt the man– Bubba– nod.

“I got mine too! Let’s get ‘em in the truck.”

You kept your eyes clamped shut and your extremities limp for the entirety of the process. You were laid gently on the hard surface of what you surmised was the bed of a truck, followed quickly by a number of heavy thuds and disgusting squishing noises. You felt the vehicle shift under the added weight. Idly you wondered how they planned to dispose of the bodies. That was what you assumed they were planning, to hide the evidence of their crimes.

Blood pooled as it spilled from the multitude of wounds on the corpses, spreading to where Bubba had placed you. The warmth of it seeped into your clothing and hair, you fought the urge to gag. Someone patted your leg comfortingly before a tarp was thrown over the grizzly scene in the back of the truck, trapping you in with the smell of death. You were too afraid to open your eyes even when the engine started and two doors slammed shut.

The vehicle jolted forward, across the gravel of the parking lot and out onto the open road. You did not think to pay attention to the direction you were travelling or the number of times the truck turned. For the most part, your mind was blank. There was only one thought repeating itself in your head:

This was not the kind of excitement you had been looking for when you left your home earlier that evening.

Part 2

[puthywet]

Idea

Yoongi is an alpha, Taehyung is an Omega but they aren't typical roles. Yoongi was born into an all alpha family and Taehyung an Omega family. But yoongi was always extremely submissive and his scent was too sweet to be an alpha. Also his rare issue that he can make pups. His ruts make him desire a cock instead of a wet hole, and he always spends them in pain because theirs no one to help him. His family is just happy to have an alpha son. Taehyung on the other hand was always a daydreamer, but he was always agressive and too strong for his own good. He was Broad and tall and tan, not like the rest of his family, pale and small and fragile. He was the best farmhand in his family, and he was caught after many girls, thinking he was an alpha because of his strong scent. They always lost interest when he told them he was an Omega. His heats were, a bit different from typical omegas. Instead if craving and begging for cock, he always seems to crave a small fragile body with a cute twitching hole to fulfill his needs. Oh, he was also infertile, meaning he could not produce children nor slick. He always suffered his painful need because there was no alpha to give up his or her pride and let him top them, like forever. They both think that they can never find that someone, but after their beta friends introduce them, they realize that it's like God or whatever made them for each other.

_______________ Scene _________________"

Yoongi whimpered pathetically as his hands were tied behind his back , his little ass raw from the harsh whipping he just got, his ass leaking slick along with his little peen. He whined as he heard Taehyung's deep and beautiful voice vibrate behind his neck.

"Pathetic little alpha" Taehyung grips his hair so Yoongi can make eye contact with him, also forcing him to gets on his knees upright on the bed. Taehyung trailed one if his faith ty hands down to Yoongi's leaking member.

"Ha, this little thing was meant to please me, look at it." Taehyung forced Yoongi's head down to look at the red and suffocating member. His already flushed face got impossibly redder, almost resembling the red tint of his cocklet.

"Look at this you little bitch, you thing you can act all alpha on anyone with things pathetic excuse of the cock" Taehyung squeezed tightly and Yoongi let out a tiny scream as he was pushed to the edged and he let out an embarrassing clear liquid, that resemble a squirts from a pussy. Yoongi was ashamaed of his little  self control and Taehyung just laughed.

"baby just squirted on me like a cheap whore on me" Taehyung pushed Yoongi's head down even farther, making his sensitive nipples touch the bed sheet and his ass touch his feet, face to face with the clear liquid he just shot on Taehyung's thigh.  "Clean the fucking mess you've done baby"

He forced Yoongi's little mouth on the spot. "Eat it whore".

Yoongi did as he was told, looking up at Taehyung as he  sucked the juice up from his thigh. Taehyung let go of his grip on his kitten, trusting him that he'll be a good boy and continue sucking. He get his head and Yoongi closed his eyes, something like a purr built up in the back of his throat.

When Take considered the juice to be lapped up completely, he gripped Yoongi's hair up once again, making sure that his baby was back on his previous position. He observed the pretty thing of. His face, so very red and pretty. His lips looked abused and so very tinted, just the way he liked them to be. His cute eyes were glossy and desperate, deep in the hole of his own little headspace, which nothing but Taehyung matters. It warmed his heart how obedient his little alpha pet was being for him, so good as always.

Taehyung leaned into Yoongi neck, biting harshly at the skin of neck. Yoongi cried out once again since he bet his juglar, one of the most sensitive parts if his neck. Taehyung smiled and he leaned in while trailing his finger through Yoongi's little rim .

"Baby if I knew better, I would think that in the one supposed to be breeding you."

Yoongi hiccuped as he felt a finger being lodged up his tiny and wet hole. it stayed there for a few seconds before Yoongi became too desperate and tried to grind the fingers even deeper, trying to hit that spot that makes his brain more jelly than it is.

Taehyung noticed the little boys shift and the he pulled them out almost immediately. Yoongi cried out at the sudden emptiness of his hole that he pushed his ass back blindly, hoping that there something to fill his needy heat.

"Desperate little bitch, aren't you?" Taehyung yoongi across the face, and he whined. He needed something to stretch him, to make him feel good or he might just go insane.

Taehyung sensed this desperation and smiled a bit.

"you want my cock don't you baby" Taehyung just pet his head when he nodded desperatley.

"Pet use your words, do you want this big Omega cock to fill you up and pound you until you only know my name." Taehyung gripped his hair again and forced eye contact.

Yoongi let out a mewl at the pain of his scalp before he spoke.

"I want- I want TAe- Masters- Masters, Oh- Omega cock, please, please Pet wants" Yoongi stumbled across his words, his brain felt like mush and he seemed to almost loose the complete ability to function without being filled.

"Such a cute baby, can't wait to fill you up"

[munchflix]

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M:  I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 38

*inhales*

It’s here. Pray for me.

(Also, this should be pretty obvious, but this is indeed a chapter with a sex scene, so there will be NSFW text so maybe skip this one if you don’t wanna read that kinda stuff)

And Aelin knew if she didn’t get the hell out of this city for an hour or two, she might very well explode again.

I’m out of witty remarks to make about Alien’s piss poor temper at this point. Can you believe hundreds of people died painful and brutal deaths last chapter and all SJM focuses on is Alien’s feefees?

Rolfe and Alien have “edgy” “thrilling” “banter” where they insult one another, blah blah blah, you’re not here for that.

Also Rolfe sold his soul for the map on his hands which resulted in his sister and mother dying. How many nameless characters are gonna be murdered by SJM’s hands to give her main characters something to angst over holy shit.

Aelin rasped, “No. I don’t know what happened. One minute it was us … then she came.” She rubbed at her chest, avoiding the touch of the golden chain against it. Her throat tightened as she took in that spot on [Rowan’s] own chest, right between his pectorals. Where her fist had been aimed.

FJDHFKJAHJDAS OH MY GOD THIS IS THE MALE EQUIVALENT OF SJM BRINGING TOO MUCH FOCUS ON HER FEMALE CHARACTERS BREASTS I AM ACTUALLY CHOKING AKDHFKHAFJKHD

“If I had killed you,” she hissed, but choked on the words, unable to finish the thought, the idea of it.

This book would be a lot better since it would mean less Aelin gushing and less Ratlin being hailed as the best relationship evah

“She enjoyed every rutting second of it. She wanted to see what my power might do, what she could do with my body, with the key.” [Aelin’s] flames burned hotter, shredding through her clothes until they were ash, until she was naked and clothed in only her own fire.

??? i ????? this is not a private beach???? youre a queen what if someone walked in on you naked im?????? im so confused why does she do this???

“How can you be so … fine with this?” Embers sprayed from [Aelin] like a swarm of fireflies.

FHSHJSD THIS FUCKING IMAGERY SJM YOU’RE KILLING ME

Rowan shucked off his boots, tossing them onto the dry sand behind him. “Because I’m the only one arrogant and insane enough to ask Mala Fire- Bringer to let me stay with the woman I love.” [Aelin’s] flames turned to pure gold at the words—at that word. But she said, “Perhaps you’re just the only one arrogant and insane enough to love me.”

Love it when Alien writes my snarks for me. Makes these chapter reviews a whole lot easier!

Aelin let [Rowan] pivot her in the surf and sand to face him fully, let him slide his mouth along her jaw, the curve of her cheekbone, the point of her Fae ear.“These,” he said, nibbling at her earlobe, “have been tempting me for months.”

Oh god here we go

Before we proceed, let’s have a little chat, shall we? SJM’s sex scenes? They fucking suck. This isn’t an erotica novel, therefore sex scenes serve to help us feel the connection between characters, no? I don’t mind sex scenes; I’ve read many before that made me emotional because if they’re well written, they demonstrate how much a couple loves each other.

But SJM fails so hard at sex scenes. Her sex scenes isn’t about the bond between the characters, it’s about her jerking off to fae peen. They’re so hilariously unsexy with the shitty writing and bizarre word choice, and since I don’t like any of her characters, why should I care? Her sex scenes are there solely to trick readers into thinking these books are hot and sexy. But its much easier to show you rather than explain, so.....*sigh* Here we go.

Rowan obliged her silent demand, pressing kisses and soft, growling nips to her throat. “I’ve never taken a woman on a beach,” he purred against her skin, sucking gently on the space between her neck and shoulder. “And look at that—we’re far from any sort of … collateral.”

Am i reading a bad fanfic? Tell me how the characters feel! If i want graphic descriptions of Rowboat fucking Alien, I’d look up fanfics on AO3. Tell me how they feel! Also Rowboat was literally insisting they shouldn’t fuck like animals out in the wilderness at the beginning of the book. Oh, how naive I was back then to the horrors I would endure...

Aelin remembered herself enough to say, “Someone might come looking for us.” Rowan huffed a laugh against her neck. “Something tells me,” he said, his breath skittering along her skin, “you might not mind if we were discovered. If someone saw how thoroughly I plan to worship you.”

JKDSKHDKADHKASJD YOU’RE JUST OKAY WITH SOMEONE POSSIBLY RUINING YOUR SEX BY WALKING BY. LIKE WTF WOULD YOU JUST CONTINUE FUCKING IF SOMEONE ACTUALLY DID WALK BY?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WOULD DO???

His lips crushed into hers, and he said onto her mouth, dropping words more precious than rubies and emeralds and sapphires into her heart, her soul, “I love you. There is no limit to what I can give to you, no time I need. Even when this world is a forgotten whisper of dust between the stars, I will love you.”

God ok I take it back I don’t need to know how the characters feel. This is just too much. Pro tip, declaration of love are better kept simple and sweet, with all that big mushy stuff left unsaid. Also pro tip, try to find other ways of characters saying they love one another rather than just “I love you”, having them have their own special ways of expressing their loves just makes it more special and interesting to read and tugs on the heartstrings. Having them give huge speeches like this is just too much for me personally and doesn’t make their declarations of love feel special or meaningful

Aelin didn’t know when she started crying, when her body began shaking with the force of it. She had never said such words—to anyone.

Uh, yeah you have? She’s expressed similar love to Chaol in Crown of Midnight, calling him her home and whatnot. Pretty similar declarations of love.

Rowan pulled back, wiping away her tears with his thumbs, one after another. He said softly, barely audible over the crashing waves around them, “Fireheart.” She sniffed back tears. “Buzzard.”

Human brain: They’re disgusting and annoying characters I am not attached to their shitty abusive relationship in the slightest

Monkey brain: special couple nicknames,, pure and soft,,, favorite trope,,,

“You … are so beautiful.” She knew he didn’t just mean the skin and curves and bones. But Aelin still smiled, humming. “I know,” she said

I fucking hate Aelin’s vain ass

“Is it that different? With someone like me.” “I don’t know,” Rowan admitted. Again, his eyes slid along her body, as if he could see through skin to her burning heart beneath. “I’ve never been with… an equal. I’ve never allowed myself to be that unleashed.”

What the fuck?

This is Lyria, Rowan’s former mate. She was a Fae who was pregnant with Rowan’s child when she was killed, meaning she and Rowan had sex. How has Rowan not been with an ‘equal’ before?? Did SJM forget her own character’s backstory?

There’s more unsexy foreplay and Aelin takes off Rowan’s pants.

Rowan had been bred and honed for battle, and every inch of him was pure-blooded warrior.

Oh my god, I cannot wait to see how SJM skirts around actually using the word dick/penis//whatever

Oh, gods. Oh, burning, rutting gods. Rowan knew what he was doing; he really gods-damned did.

Just... this whole chunk. This is epic fantasy. Also ‘gods-damned’ is a dumb word idc what y’all say

Rowan growled his approval, her breast still in his mouth

JESUS ROWAN ARE YOU TRYING TO RIP OFF HER TITTY

A phantom touch, like the northern wind given form, flicked over her bare breast. Aelin burst into flames.

what the fuck I am sh o cke d

Magic foreplay?? This is the level we’re at, folks. Fucking magic foreplay. The same wind magic Rowan used to kill witches he is now using to feel up Aelin’s boobs. Holy shit.

A roaring wind full of ice and snow blasted around them.

I have several questions.

Rowan’s smile was nothing short of wicked as he pulled away to run a broad hand from her throat down to the juncture of her thighs.

lmfao wtf. SJM wants to have graphic sex scenes in her YA series but won’t actually use the correct words for genitalia? Like christ are you sticking to YA rules or not???

So Rowan did, sliding a finger into her as his tongue flicked that one spot, and oh, gods, she was going to explode into starfire—

I don’t think starfire is an actual word. Also I hate these two.

When Rowan was seated deep in her, trembling with restraint as he let her adjust, she lifted her burning hands to his face, wind and ice tumbling and roaring around them, dancing across the waves with ribbons of flame.

HAHAHA I AM DYING HOW IS NOBODY NOTICING ALL THIS FIRE AND ICE AND SHIT JUST EXPLODING ON THE BEACH

Seriously what does the magic add to this scene?? it’s so fucking weird! How are they somehow fucking but also concentrating on doing all this magic??? Like what the actual fuck it just makes no sense

And as his thrusts turned deeper, she dug in her fingers, dragging her nails across his back, claiming him, marking him. His hips slammed home at the blood she drew

WHAT THE FUCK  WHY ARE YOU DRAWING BLOOD?!?! THAT ISNT SEXY THATS AELIN LITERALLY SLICING UP ROWANS BACK WITH HER NAILS WHAT IS HAPPENING

Rowan’s magic went wild, though his mouth on her neck was so careful, even as his canines dragged along her skin.

How is he careful but also dragging his teeth across her neck you can’t have both

Rowan’s own release barreled through him at the sight of it [Aelin climaxing], and he groaned her name so that she remembered it at last, lightning joining wind and ice over the water.

LIGHTNING

L I G H T N I N G

EPIC FANTASY SERIES COMPARED TO THE LIKES OF LOTR AND WE HAVE A MAIN CHARACTER’S CLIMAX SUMMONING LIGHTNING I WANT OFF THIS CRAZY RIDE

Already, she wanted more, already she was calculating how long she’d have to wait. “You once told me that you don’t bite the females of other males.” Rowan stiffened a bit. But she went on coyly, “Does that mean ... you’ll bite your own female, then?”

Aelin has a biting kink confirmed. Listen, I don’t care what kinks people have as long as it’s kept in the bedroom and everyone involved can and has consented, but this is just gross because I despise these two characters and don’t want any more paragraphs about Rowan biting Aelin please spare me

Understanding flashed in those green eyes as he raised his head from her neck to study the spot where those canines had once pierced her skin.

Are you bullshitting me. Are you actually fucking kidding me.

Rowan assaulted Aelin and bit her on the neck, causing her to bleed.. and this is portrayed as sexy? As a romantic moment between them?? What the actual fuck SJM!!! If a guy you were arguing with bit you, you’d knee him in the balls and call the police because he is assaulting you!! WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING HOW IS THIS IN A NOVEL IM DJHAFJKHDJKAFHJK

I’m done and I want this chapter to be over. tl;dr Aelin wants to bite Rowan and this makes him so horny they immediately have sex again.

They moved together, undulating like the sea before them, and when Rowan roared her name again into the star-flecked black, Aelin hoped the gods themselves heard it and knew their days were now numbered.

You’re fucking like animals in the middle of a beach where anyone could see you. Stop trying to make it all ~epic~ and ~most important relationship ever~ like god fucking damnit this Ratty/Aelin ship is literally my worst nightmare. Fuck this book.

[ao3feed-style]

C’mon baby make it hurt so good

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2wew6io

by lukioo

I knew the moment I met Kenny McCormick that shit would just go down the fuckin hill. But it didn’t just go down the hill, it went into a fucking pit where it couldn’t possibly even see the light of day from how far down it was. Kenny was capable of ruining practically fucking anything, and I let him walk all over me. I knew I’d never be able to stop myself from falling into his toxic habits, so I just succumb to the poison that he was. The poison that he is. I didn’t think it’d ever get this far, but how wrong could I have been? Kenny’s got a leash tightly tied around my neck and if I so much as look at someone with the small intent of flirting with them, he’ll yank it back to him, choking me and satisfying him with the struggles of me trying to get away. I’m gasping for breath underneath his unforgiving grip. He’s got me wrapped around his persuasive finger, controlling my entire life. I thought it was just fun and games, a little fuck and smoke and then we leave it at that. But the third time round, he had worse intentions. We both did. I wanted more sex more often and he wanted a bitch he could call his own. I guess we both got what we wanted.

Words: 590, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: South Park

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage

Categories: F/M, M/M

Characters: Kenny McCormick, Craig Tucker, Craig Tucker's Parents, Kenny McCormick's Parents, Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman, Karen McCormick, Ruby Tucker, Butters Stotch, Tweek Tweak, Clyde Donovan, Token Black, Bebe Stevens, Wendy Testaburger, Red (South Park), Lola (South Park: AWESOM-O)

Relationships: Kenny McCormick/Craig Tucker, Kenny McCormick/Butters Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Kenny McCormick, Kenny McCormick/Everyone, Clyde Donovan/Bebe Stevens, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger

Additional Tags: Fun times with crenny, Friends With Benefits, Underage Smoking, Weed, Underage Sex, Underage Drinking, Underage Prostitution, underage everything, Underage Drug Use, Kenny is an asshole but that’s how I portray him, Craig is too self absorbed up his own ass hole, kenny is a good brother to karen, gay af, craig wants the fuck, kenny wants the suck, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Daddy Kink, Crossdressing Kink, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Poor Life Choices, Bad Puns, Bad Parenting, Bad Decisions, hah this is gonna be a sad one, prep your anal regions, Porn Watching, Sexual Violence, craig gets upsetti spaghetti, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, This is a complete mess, Fuckbuddies, Fucked Up, Weird Plot Shit, Punishment, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Kenny is not a bottom, he does not want to be a bottom, Not a Love Story, craig does not like being a bottom, this is not a fixer upper, they will be more and more fucked up the longer this goes on, yeah - Freeform, this is just crenny shit and Kenny fucks around with other people besides Craig, tits, vagina phobic Craig, Tags Are Fun, Kenny’s massive peen, Spanking, Biting, Hickeys, Bruises, Band-Aids, kenny has some issues with him, Shower Sex, Post-Coital Cuddling, kenny likes to shout loudly at Craig and make him feel like shit, craig likes to do the same to him but it never stings as badly, FUCK, Rough Sex, Kenny has strange kinks and so does Craig, Domestic Violence, Blood and Violence, aggresive fucking, i don’t think that’s a spoiler, nah, craig is so broken because of kenny, kenny is all fucked up because of craig, Kenny is a fuck boy, theyre both 16 okay, Craig is gay, kenny’s sexuality is anything that’s hot and has a hole to fuck, Skipping Class, fuuuuck, Kenny is a manipulative lil shit

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2wew6io

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 7x08: “Season 7, Time for a Wedding!”

THEN: Sam calls Dean out on his behavior. Sam and Dean were separated but now they’re back together. Supernatural is a thing. Beck Rosen is their #1 fan; she has a serious thing for Sam.

A waitress in a strip club that’s also in grad school? Fuck yeah, girl! Get your coin!

Dean talking about his situation using the “I got this friend” narrative.

And there’s a blurred El Sol right behind Dean.

(Irrelevant, but do the brothers still do their “sacred pilgrimage” to Vegas?)

Ha, Sam’s text: “348 Twain Ave WEAR FED SUIT!”

“See? Baby bro needs you after all.” Aww, she was sweet.

The pink carnation. “Apparently, pink is for loyalty.”

“I'm in love. And I'm getting married.”

“...”

“Say something, like, uh, like, ‘congratulations,’ for example.”

“What?”

I’m with ya, Dean.

Oh goodness.

Special title card! With the Supernatural twist. Of course.

“Shouldn't she ask for my permission or something?” hahaha.

“You know what? Ignoring everything, have you forgotten the average life-span of your hookups?” AKA the peen of death.

Dean keeping his cool until Becky leaves. ff hahahaha

Dean’s general behavior here is hilarious.

"First official Tweet as Mrs. Becky Rosen-Winchester!" Oh dear. (It does have a nice ring to it tho.)

Dean’s still driving the car from the last episode. (And Cas’ coat is still in the trunk.)

I won’t lie: If I had a husband like Sam, I’d be inclined to show him off too.

“Guy, meet my husband, Sam.”

“Hey. It's an honor to meet you, Sam.”

Ohhhh, knowing this is a demon....

How fucking shhaaddyyy.

Dean juussttt missed them.

Huh, Dean’s got John’s journal with him.

And now he’s got a case that isn’t Sam.

(Oh, I recognize this song from “Pretty in Pink”.) “Cherish” by The Association.

Becky does look nice.

Sam broke through the spell momentarily.

“Feeling better, honey?”

“Now that I’m with you.”

Ooohhh this gives me the heebs and jeebs.

RIP this dude. Killed by baseballs.

pfft. A waffle iron.

Ahh, Dean thought Becky was part of whatever weird thing was happening in town. Fair.

“You know, I went after her, Dean. Maybe that's what's bugging you – that I'm moving on with my life. I mean, you took care of me, and that's great. But I don't need you anymore.” Big Yikes.

Bobby assigns Dean a new hunter partner.

Sam wiping the marker off Becky’s nose is rather cute.

“I got a present for you.”

“His and hers fake IDs? Oh!”

What every relationship needs.

Oh my god, I’m about to see my sweet, darling Garth!!

“Hey, you Dean? I thought you’d be taller.” 

“He said you’d be all surly and premenstrual working with me.” lmao. I love that Bobby had to warn Garth about Dean’s bad mood.

We’re not even a minute into meeting Garth and I’m already in love with him again.

Where did Dean get the sweater vest?? It looks amazing on him.

“Actuarial Insider” pfft.

Garth just cuts straight to the point.

“We were just wondering if you got here by nefarious means.”

“Whoa! Garth!”

“Oh. Uh, I-I didn't mean, of course, uh, corporate backstabbing – I'm sorry. I meant more like, uh, you know, black magic or hoodoo.”

Just when you thought Garth pulled back, he pushed forward even more.

The wife’s a big b-

Dean and Garth already communicate/work well together.

“I'm trying to save you from a really bad accident.”

“Are you threatening me?”   

“No. No, I-I-I'm pointing out a pattern. Why do people keep thinking I'm threatening them?”

“Because it sounded exactly like a threat, dude.”  

lol

Sam’s breaking through the spell again.

“Bring the damn car around. I'm not walking five blocks in my heels.” To be fair, I wouldn’t either.

Garth taking charge. No wonder he was the next Bobby.

“Uh, here's the plan. I drop this lady at my cousin's. He'll stop anything trying to get her. We, uh, find Sam, hopefully fix this, everybody's home in time for ‘America's Got Talent.’ Now, you – you'll be living with a tri-racial paraplegic sniper until this all blows over, okay?”

Bless his heart.

Enough with giving Sam head injuries!!!

From bad to worse.

“Don't worry. I didn't do anything weird.” TAKING OFF A PERSON’S PANTS WHILE THEY’RE UNCONSCIOUS AND THEN HOG TYING THEM TO A BED DOESN’T CONSTITUTE AS “ANYTHING WEIRD”??

“This isn't the honeymoon I had in mind. Well, some of it is, but not in this context.” Becky’s got kinks. That’d actually explain how she knew how to tie Sam down like that.

“social lubricant” pfft.

“You know your pal Guy is the one icing all those people, right?” Not directly.

My patience with this episode is running thin.

Becky’s deep in it now.

“I love reunions. The desperation! These schlubs will sign on the dotted line for money, power, hair – whatever it takes to impress the nostalgically bangable head cheerleader.” That’s smart, I’ll give him that.

Ha, Becky uses the word “gank”.

“Uh, she's got 11 Twitter...ers. Last post – ‘Going on romantic trip with hubster!!!’ Three exclamation points. I guess she got excited.” pfft, Garth.

“I got this thing about fish. Dead eyes, man.” That’s fair.

Sam’s muffled commentary is hilarious.

Not to be a broken record, but none of this would be happening if the Publisher was here instead of Becky.

Setting off the blueberry vodka devil’s trap. Nicely done, Becky.

“Dean Winchester. This is really thrilling. Hey, can I have your autograph?”

“Sure. Yeah, I'll, uh, carve it into your spleen.“

Burn.

Guy’’s “intern”, Jackson, is the one behind the killings.

RIP Jackson. Killed by Becky.

“You’re Crowley!”

“And you're – well, I'm sure you have a wonderful personality, dear.”

Damn. 

Ratted out by the intern.

“There's a reason we don't call our chits in early – consumer confidence. This isn't Wall Street! This is Hell! We have a little something called integrity. This gets out, who'll deal with us? Nobody! Then where are we?” I do admire Crowley’s business ethics.

Crowley and his long term plan: “ You met that dick yet? Smuggest tub of goo since Mussolini. I hate the bastards. Squash 'em all, please. I'll stay clear.”

I almost feel sorry for Guy.

Garth finally comes to, lmao.

An annulment. Even worse than divorce.

Sam has a pretty signature.

“So, I'll see you again?” NO.

“Becky, look. You're not a loser, okay? You're a good person, a-and you've got... a lot of... e-energy. So, you know, just do your thing, whatever that is, and the right guy will find you.”

I’m with Sam here tbh. Becky isn’t a bad person. She’s got issues that might require her to get help and work through them, and when she does, she can be a better person for her own sake. Through that, she can develop better relationships with people. So wherever Becky is in the show’s timeline, I hope she’s doing better.

Becky and Garth. That would’ve been a chaotic relationship.

“Well, buddy, I got to say, man – you, uh... you don't suck.”  What a high compliment from Dean!

AWWW.

“Look, man, uh... When I was all dosed up, I-I said some crap.”

“Oh, you mean, she – she wasn't your soulmate?”

Accept the apology, Dean.

“You know, I got to say, man... For a whack-job, you really pulled it together.”

“That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me.”

hahaha.

“It's stupid to think that you need me around all the time. You're a grown-up.“ Ohhh, look at that progress! We/they need to get it back soon.

“It might be nice.”

“What?”

“I mean, you basically have been looking out for me your whole life. Now you finally get to take care of yourself. About time, huh?”

*cries internally* That’s what I want for Dean too.