#trying to spend more time writing this weekend instead of drawing and playing family therapist but... *shrugs*

[tei-to-tei]

December 16 - Mischievous Activities

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[ladysarahsakura]

Bucky Barnes X OC Ember

Note: Ember is my OC character for Marvel and is the daughter of Hades and Persephone. I also do not own anything here but my own OC I hope you enjoy!

They met in 1940, Sarah worked in a small flower shop in Brooklyn that James “Bucky” Barnes and Steve Rogers chose to pop into that one afternoon. When James saw her, he couldn’t fight the urge to talk to her. He asked her for her help with picking out flowers for his mom and all Steve could do was smirk at his friend for fumbling his words at first. After making their purchases and paying, she told James to let her know how his mom liked them when he could. A week late, he caught her on her way home and James offered to walk her. He grinned when her cheeks bloomed a soft pink against her fair skin as she accepted. As they walked, the pair got better acquainted and learned they had similar interests. Bucky started slowly falling deeper and deeper for her as he watched her enthusiastically talk about her childhood. Once at her doorstep, he chose to ask her out to dinner next weekend and was ecstatic when she said yes. Over the next year, dinner dates turned into dancing, beach trips, picnics in the park, even to a few movies,. They were very much in love, more than once Steve would hear his best friend tell him, his mother and his siblings about how she was the one for him and that he wanted to marry her. By December though, the young lovers’ plans made a drastic change. The U.S had entered the fight over and Germany and Bucky had been drafted. Soon he was being shipped off to Camp McCoy in Wisconsin along with the other young men in his regiment. The week before his departure was heartbreaking for them. H promised to come back to her after the war was won and to write to her every single chance he got. She promised to wait on him and to keep an eye on his family and Steve until he returned. She gave him a small, leather-bound journal to use and said it was an early Christmas gift. He smiled softly at her with tears in his eyes as he grabbed hers, a small necklace with her birthstone as the pendant. On the day of his departure, he huggled Steve, his mom and his siblings goodbye and when Sarah handed him his bags, he pulled his girl into a deep kiss and repeated his promise to her and told her he loved her. He watched out his train car window until they were all out of sight. Sarah waited a full year and a half but was sadly called back home by her father before her soldier’s return home. When James came home and she was gone, Steve gave him the letter she told him to give him which said how much she loved him and how she would be back in Brooklyn before he got back from the war, gave a new mailing address and a promise to be there when he got home.

Sarah had a secret, a secret she was terrified to tell James, and that was who and what she truly was. Her birth name was Ember, her parents were greek gods- Persephone and Hades. She did wish to tell James the truth as they were slowly talking about spending their lives together, even if it would’ve cost her his love. She returned to the Underworld realm due to her father being swamped with new souls and paperwork due to the war overseas in the mortal realm. She returned to Brooklyn in 1945, only to learn Steve had taken part in a military experiment and became Captain America only to crash a plane into icy waters and couldn’t be found and that Bucky- her Bucky- was gone. She mourned with his family and helped them however they needed her to until once again she was called to the underworld, to mourn on her own time.

Fast forward to 2011, now a member of S.H.E.I.L.D, being told by Director Fury that Steve was alive. He put her in charge of helping him when he woke up which didn’t go as planned. After calming her old friend down, she explained everything including what she was and why she never told Bucky. He assured her that he would’ve loved her no matter what. She longed to see him again to know if that was true, little did she know she would get that chance.

2014, she was just as shocked as Steve and Natasha to find Bucky not dead but brainwashed by H.Y.D.R.A. An ability she possessed was mind-reading and memory recovery which can only be used through direct contact with the person wishing to have their memories recovered. As Bucky- now the winter solider- went to grab her, she twisted his human arm behind his back and slammed him to the ground, before her hand could reach the back of his headache had flipped them around, grabbed her by the throat with his metal hand and was about to hit her when he was knocked over by Sam Wilson. She didn’t join Sam and Steve going against Bucky when they encountered the winter soldier on the Triskelion but did assist Steve in Romania when they finally tracked down his location.

Present time after the blip so much has changed. Sam is now the new Captain America and Ember and Bucky finally had a moment of peace to catch up. His memories were still hazy about her but he knew she was important to him. Each passing day he remembered her more and more, mainly as the girl at the flower shop and the girl he took to dinner a week or so after. He trusted her wholeheartedly and once learning what she was and of the powers she possessed, he trusted her even more. She didn’t shy away from him, she wasn’t scared of him even after their violent meeting again after almost 60 plus years, she sided with him against her other friends, and now that Steve had retired, he spent almost every day he could with her. He loved the city but for once he took his therapist’s advice and moved out of Brooklyn. Instead of living with Sam, he moved to Pennsylvania which was where Ember was. In a two-bedroom cottage in the rural part of the state with an attached Morticia Addams style conservatory that housed all matters of plant life, was where she settled. Buck lived in a studio apartment in the neighbouring town which was only a few minutes away from her however he felt as if he belonged beside her. The two shared a usual breakfast and sat at her kitchen island when more memories of her flooded his mind. By this time she had already told him the truth of who she was as well as her parents and they had even met Bucky. As she reentered the kitchen from watering a few of her plants, she saw the look on Bucky’s face and grew concerned, “ You alright, Buck?” His gaze rested on the pendant that was around her neck, “ I-I gave that to you. In 1941 before I had to leave for training, didn’t I?” He sounded scared almost. His memories of him and Steve had come back in droves after being woken from the cryostasis and with Shuri and the other Wakandan scientists help. His only memory of her was being the girl from the flower shop as well as her truth she told him after he was woken up and Bucky internally panicked thinking he messed something up somehow. “Yes. You gave it to me as an early Christmas gift because you wouldn’t be there. Bucky, an ability I have is memory recovery did Steve or Sam tell you that?” She spoke softly to him trying to ease his panic. When he said no she went on explaining what her ability could do. When she activated this ability, she could take someone into their own mind and show them the memories they oppressed or couldn’t remember. He stood slowly and walked to her side of the island and grabbed her hands, placing them on his cheeks, “I want to remember you. Please.” Ember studied his eyes for a moment before her hands glowed a soft blue. Suddenly, she and bucky were back in 1940’s Brooklyn and Bucky smiled, pointing out what places were still standing in the modern-day. The two took the path he and small Steve took every day until they spotted himself and Steve making their way home from work. A perk was nothing in your memory could be tainted so the pair followed through the crowd, not worried about getting caught. His hand instinctively grabbed hers as they followed young Bucky into the flower shop she worked at. Another perk was you could hear the person’s inner thoughts from that time so suddenly Bucky heard his voice talk about how pretty she was and he saw Ember’s cheeks turn that same soft pink again. Suddenly the memory shifted to him walking her home, asking her out to dinner, and a feeling of anxiety washed over them, ‘Bucky had been nervous about their first date’ she thought fondly. Memories played of them being in her apartment, of her meeting his family and the bear hug his mom gave her, Suddenly they were in his childhood bedroom with small Steve drawing away as Bucky got ready for another date with her, “ I’m telling you, Steve, she’s the one. I’ve never felt this way about someone before.” Small steve chuckled and told his friend that was the fifth time he’d told him that. Again the memory changed to Bucky at Sarah’s apartment, laying on the full bed she had, talking about the future as

she worked on a new yarn project. Present Bucky suddenly asked to stop and immediately the world changed back to their modern selves in her cottage. She went to let go of Bucky’s face, scared she’d done something wrong but he didn't let her go yet just had her back facing him. “ I fell in love with you quicker than I ever thought I could fall for someone. I remember going to the jewlery store to get your necklace that day and looking and engagement rings because I wanted to surprise you with a ring I had been eying fr months” there was a small pause,. “Why didn’t you tell me what you were back then?” His voice was soft as he turned her around to face him, slowing whipping the tears from her face, “ I-I didn’t know how. I-I thought you- you’d hate me or think I was lying or just some freak. When I finally wrote everything down the way I wanted to say it, you got drafted. I didn’t want you to hate me when you left. I wanted to make sure you were happy before you left.” She began sobbing, trying to shrink in on herself when he pulled her into him. “You really think that would’ve made me hate you? I mean it would’ve been a surprise, yeah but I fell in love with you for you not for what you are, that doesn't and didn't matter to me. I loved you then and I love you still.” Bucky suddenly felt very nervous, saying he loved her after decades apart wasn’t easy and letting people in wasn't easy for Bucky anymore, but he knew she was worth it still. He just hoped she felt the same way he did. He saw her fighting with her own brain, trying to think of how this would affect him now. He took her face in his hands and proposed something to her. Making new memories, a second first date and if after a few dates, they still wanted each other then they’d pick up where they left off. He saw her smile softly and it made his heart skip. Slowly leaning in, he kissed her softly, almost scared until she chose to deepen it. The memory of the first time they kissed popped into their heads along with all their other kisses. Pulling away he chuckled, genuinely happy again.

For once, he felt safe and at home.

[brytmoon]

i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

[stompsite]

The One About Dark Souls

This piece was originally slated for another publication about a year ago. It didn’t get published. So here it is.

This time, I’m confident I have him. Father Gascgoine has been plaguing me for weeks, but I’ve got it all worked out. I enter the arena, pumped up and ready to do this. For a few minutes, everything’s fine, but then I feel that telltale twinge in my hand. Before I know it, the pain’s burning up my arm and into my neck. I have to put the controller down. My poor health has betrayed me again. I’ll never be good enough to beat a Souls game.

Dark Souls is hard. That’s what it’s known for. In a world where the biggest and most successful games are built on promises about playing your own way, Dark Souls is brutal and unrelenting. FromSoftware’s magnum opus demands you take it on its own terms, a strategy that has proved wildly popular; few games can lay claim to a fanbase as passionate and loyal as Dark Souls.

A debate has raged for years over whether or not Dark Souls would benefit from an easy mode. Fans will tell you that no, difficulty is an essential element of the Dark Souls experience, that much of the game’s fun is found in its difficulty, and they have a point. Others, people who have wanted to embrace the series, but derive enjoyment in games from anything other than challenge, believe that Dark Souls would be better off with an easy mode.

Dark Souls joins all-time greats like Doom and Donkey Kong in establishing its own formula. Indie and AAA game developers alike have borrowed heavily from the Souls series, with games like Salt and Sanctuary, Lords of the Fallen, and Nioh. Before we ask ourselves whether Souls should have an easy mode, we need to understand how Souls games work.

Souls works like this: you, the player, have to travel through the game’s world, conquering its challenging bosses. Whenever you defeat an enemy, you earn a currency, called ‘souls,’ or ‘blood echoes,’ or something similar, which you use to purchase upgrades. If you die, you drop your collection of souls and respawn at the last save point, usually a physical location like a bonfire. Crucially, you cannot bank souls. This means that as your power grows, so does the need to explore world, putting yourself at risk, until you have enough souls to purchase more powerful upgrades.

The combat requires you to play thoughtfully. You must keep an eye on your stamina bar, which drains based on your attacks and movement. Draining your stamina at an inopportune time could result in an unfortunate death. Your attacks are usually animation-driven, which means that when you press a button to attack, you cannot break out of the attack animation until it has completed. A properly-timed attack means the difference between life and death in a Souls game.

These mechanics are then set in a world designed to accommodate them. Souls mechanics would never work in a game like The Witcher 3, where players could simply observe enemies and circle around them, avoiding the confrontation entirely. Souls maps, on the other hand, are built with explicit encounter design in mind. An early encounter in Dark Souls 3 features a dragon that will easily roast unsuspecting players. You rush up some stairs, get roasted, die, and start back at the bonfire, wiser now than you were before. As you progress, you discover shortcuts that make traversal significantly easier.

Over time, you learn about the game’s world. What seemed like cruelty at first is playful and mischievous. The world becomes more readable. Dark Souls thrives on initial surprise and eventual mastery. “Git gud,” the fanbase’s mantra, isn’t so much a statement of derision as a description of the player’s evolution. The more you play, the better you become.

One of the big appeals of turn-based games like XCOM and Civilization is the way they convince their players to keep going. “Just one more turn,” you tell yourself, and before you know it, it’s 5 in the morning and you’ve been up all night and have nearly liberated Earth from an alien menace. The Souls games are like that too, but they use difficulty to accomplish the same thing. Get instakilled by a cleverly-placed boss? Before you know it, you’re back at the nearest bonfire. “That was a cheap death,” you tell yourself, “I can totally get past it.”

Dark Souls is a game of mastery, expertly crafting an emotional narrative to accompany your growing skill. Overcoming that seemingly-impossible boss is thrilling. Laughing along at the designer’s jokey ambushes is enjoyable. Souls engages you, draws you in, and delivers some of the best emotional highs in gaming.

It’s unfair to say that Souls is just a hard game; there are thousands of challenging games out there. Dead Rising 2 creates challenge through time management. Ikaruga’s difficulty is based on player reflex. Souls is a game that uses its difficulty tuning to help establish its compelling formula. Without the difficulty, so much of what makes Souls such a brilliant series would be lost.

Despite this, I wish the Souls games had an easy mode, because I can’t play it like you. I want to share in the stories and strategies. I want to beat Father Gascoigne with a Donkey Conga controller and put the video up on YouTube. I want to master the game’s systems. I want to be a part of this passionate and vibrant community so much, but I can’t.

I can’t because my body is shutting down.

Twelve years ago, I got sick. At first, it was just mild fatigue. Doctors said it was some bug that would pass. Family thought it was teenage laziness. Then it got worse. Prior to getting sick, I’d been learning to fly planes. I used to climb regularly at the YMCA. I loved boating--whether it was a 50 mile camping trip or whitewater rafting, I was there. Within months, I’d almost completely lost my ability to function. One doctor told me that, after looking at my lab results, she was amazed I had the strength to get out of bed at all.

It took four years to get a diagnosis, but instead of having some name to give my illness, like cancer or lupus or something, I was told that some genes just didn’t work right. It was a lot more complicated than that, but that’s the gist of it. As a result, I suffer from chronic pain and chronic fatigue, and I also have all the symptoms that come with a severe lack of magnesium, because my body doesn’t absorb it properly.

Chronic fatigue is a deeply misunderstood disease. People don’t get it. If you get cancer or multiple sclerosis, there is some degree of understanding there. Chronic fatigue is much harder to explain. Many people don’t believe it’s real. Some countries classify it as a mental disorder, rather than a physical one. Everything I ever wanted to do in life has been ripped away from me by this illness. Without games writing, which I’m fortunate enough to be able to do from home, I don’t know how I would survive.

During her TED talk on chronic fatigue, documentarian Jennifer Brea pauses and simply states “my brain is not what it used to be.” I know what she means, because I’ve been there. I was so much more than this. Chronic fatigue consumes everything. I’m lucky because for me, there is some degree of hope. With regular treatment, I could go back to living something resembling a normal life, but since the illness limits what jobs I can take, my income is limited, which limits my ability to pay for treatment for my illness. Dealing with my illness is as simple as a potential employer taking a chance on me so I can earn enough to pay for treatment. I don’t know how I’ll ever get to a place where I can afford regular treatment, but I hope that one day I will.

In the meantime, I play games, which are an incredible escape from chronic pain and chronic fatigue. A physical therapist once told me that people like me spend 90% of our attention on keeping pain at bay. Playing games helps offload some of that stress. But, as you can imagine, playing Dark Souls style games for me is a lot harder than it is for most folks, which makes escapism challenging. So many of my friends love finding their Dark Souls groove and playing the game for hours. I’d love to experience that too.

Most of you aren’t likely to have your hands seize up after playing for half an hour, much less be drained for an entire weekend after trying and failing to take down Bloodborne’s Father Gascoigne. An easy mode for me would mean that I could enjoy these games at the same level of effort that you do.

But it’s not that simple. Disability isn’t something most of us talk about openly. Discussing it has a tendency to make people uncomfortable; some even resent having to deal with it. It’s hard to leave the house most days, knowing that most people don’t have the compassion or patience to put up with my illness. Worse still, many people go out of their way to make things worse, justifying it with some weird, self-righteous slant I’ve never understood.

I’ve had employers force me to work in conditions that exacerbated my symptoms because they thought they could convince me that my illness was all in my mind, never mind what the doctor’s notes said. Heck, I got kicked off a podcast; two of my fellow podcasters told me they were doing me a favor. Apparently, cutting off all ties would help me magically get over my illness and manage my life better. When it comes to disability, otherwise good people can do terrible things, going to great lengths to justify their abuse as “for your own good.”

Playing games with my friends or chatting about games on forums, twitter, and Skype gives me the ability to socialize with other people without having to worry about my illness getting in the way. As long as I remain untreated, I’ll be a shut-in, but I can still have human contact through the internet.

While I can talk about my own experiences in great detail, I am far from the only person whose health issues limit gameplay options. Many disabilities limit gameplay. I have a friend with severe arthritis that makes gaming on a console impossible. Two of my friends have epilepsy, which can be triggered by playing certain video games. I’ve met people with color-blindness and deafness; all of these things impact their gameplay experience.

How far should a developer go in ensuring their audience can enjoy their work? Generally, I think it’s best to err on the side of accessibility; if a game can support a color-blind mode, it should. If a designer can ensure that hearing impaired players have good subtitles, their game would benefit from its inclusion.

With my chronic pain and fatigue issues, rapidly mashing buttons in games like Bayonetta or God of War can be physically draining; alternate QTE options would go a long way towards making games more accessible. I was delighted to discover that Dragon Age: Inquisition, a huge, open world game, had an auto-run toggle button. Splatoon offers players a wide variety of playstyles, allowing players to contribute, regardless of ability.

At the same time, I recognize that not every solution is a perfect one; shoot-em-ups like Ikaruga are built to be bright and flashy. Projectiles have to be big and bright enough to dodge. These games can trigger symptoms in epilepsy sufferers, and I don’t think there’s a way to avoid that without fundamentally changing the game’s design.

There is no easy answer, but offering multiple difficulty modes, vision modes, and allowing control customization all go a long way towards keeping games accessible.

Some developers and publishers are going the distance to make sure that disabled gamers are cared for. Microsoft has recently introduced copilot mode, which allows two different controllers to control the same game. The Xbox One Elite controller is great for players with disabilities thanks to its extensive customization options. Unfortunately, Sony does not offer similar disability support, but thanks to devices like Cronusmax Plus, you can use the Xbox One Elite controller on the Playstation 4, or even a mouse and keyboard.

As my health has deteriorated over the past few years, so has my gaming ability. Destiny’s Trials of Osiris event is a competitive multiplayer event where players must win nine matches of five rounds each against an opposing team. I went on a flawless run back in 2015, but I haven’t been since. Controllers are awful for me; playing with them often results in hand cramps and muscle spasms. It’s much less painful to aim with a mouse, so I’ve been eyeing a Cronusmax with an intent to use its mouse and keyboard controls to play Trials of Osiris again.

I was deeply concerned to hear that Jeff Kaplan, Vice President of Blizzard, had argued against the use of these devices. If Kaplan’s shortsighted suggestion became a reality, disabled gamers using assistive technologies would have their consoles rendered useless, not just for Overwatch, but for all games. Kaplan also suggested letting all consoles use mouse and keyboard controls natively, which would be fantastic for disabled gamers, but it’s frustrating to hear that he would even consider the first option.

How would an easy mode in Souls work? It’s simple: let players take a lot more damage before dying. It’s a blast to watch my friends take on the dual-boss fight of Ornstein and Smough, but that fight requires some flawless timing that I can’t always pull off. I tense my muscles when I’m trying to time things perfectly; not having to worry about timing would help me avoid triggering severe pain later on.

Obviously, there are better ways to adjust difficulty, but they would require a lot more work on the developer’s part. Tweaking enemy animations to provide longer ‘tells’ prior to attacking would be a great step. Dark Souls’ movements are animation-based, rather than input-based, which means that once you press a button, your character has to follow through with the animation before making another move. Giving player input priority over animation would let players correct mistakes a lot easier.

To a hardcore Dark Souls player, I’m sure this all sounds like heresy. The suggestions are moot, of course--From is done making Souls games, and it’s unlikely that they would ever patch in an easy mode. Souls is just an example, something I hope that future developers can learn from. I would like to enjoy your favorite game as much as you do, but I can’t, not as it is.

Playing video games literally saved my life. On my worst days, games make life bearable. Games give me community and distraction. So, when it comes to the question of whether Dark Souls have an easy mode, I think the obvious answer is yes. For me, an easy mode would let me play the game like it was meant to be played without worrying about crippling muscle spasms the next day. I just want to enjoy life and spend time with friends; games I can play without agony let me do that.

Ultimately, developers are welcome to do whatever they want to do with the games they want to make. My hope is that this piece initiates a conversation about how to open doors to everyone who wants to play or make video games. Living life with disability is hard mode, and there’s no option to change difficulties. If you have the ability to help us, would you?

[rexhc]

rosebuzz kids

been meaning to make this post for a while but rosa and buzz have too many kids (SIX) lol. but they live on a farm (which i will post about eventually) outside of houston so they have plenty of room.

jacob abraham “jake” goldman

born september 15, 2018

his biological mother is polly bernhardt, but rosa adopts him when he’s seven and has been basically raising him since before he was five

guitar and piano prodigy. has been obsessed with music since buzz gave him his ukelele as a little kid.

total metal head. all his sisters hate it except sil.

he’s in a metal band for a long time. rosa’s very into it (in a really nerdy mom way) and goes to almost every show he plays in the city. she always wears a bunch of their merch and calls herself their “roadie” (which jake hates). buzz comes sometimes but it can be too loud for him to handle. jake understands.

teaches guitar and piano lessons for a living when he grows up. he’s classically trained and goes to berklee after high school.

he plays drums in school band in middle school and is on the drum line for three years in high school. also plays bass for the jazz band.

started skateboarding when he was six and when they leave the city for the country, rosa designs him a mini ramp on their land since the roads are mostly gravel or dirt.

hates having his hair short

such a good big brother. older than the rest by eight years but he takes his role as a big bro very seriously and looks after his little sisters and brother. he never complains when he has to babysit when he’s older.

he doesn’t mind working on the farm but he’s not into it like his dad is. but when he’s eighteen, buzz shows him the greenhouse where he grows medical marijuana for local dispensaries - which had always been strictly off limits for the kids. it’s the first time jake thinks of agriculture as fun.

very quiet and introspective. most of his focus is spent on his music. frequently referred to as antisocial and was teased a lot as a kid.

lilia hannah “lily” goldman 

born may 21, 2026

very skilled artist. loves drawing and painting. she draws on the walls a lot as a little kid and her parents never ever paint over her drawings. they love to talk about her masterpieces.

could be found every morning before anyone else woke up watching cartoons in the living room. loved cartoons so much.

loves “old” (old in the 2030s) cartoons her parents show her. she dresses as finn the human for halloween four years in a row. 

draws cartoons all the time about her family. which her dad loves so much and always hangs on the fridge.

the first one she does is of buzz with a beard of bees when she’s three and he keeps it in his wallet forever

fridge features include grumpy old man jake and rosa as a superhero called supermama who appears multiple times 

becomes an animator when she grows up

very bubbly and optimistic, excited about everything but also very bashful and is constantly embarrassed by her family

to be fair she’s very awkward and usually embarrasses herself more than her family does

hates disappointing people and always takes too much on her plate to make everyone happy

is constantly way too hard on herself and gets stressed out very easily

she gets this from her mother, who can always tell when lily gets in that mood and tears her away from her homework to watch animated movies and decompress

sophia demetria goldman

born november 4, 2027

fraternal twin of silvia

they couldn’t be more different and they aren’t that close but sophia always stands up for sil no matter what.

total daddy’s girl. loves working in the fields with him more than anything. they talk for hours.

they spend so much time gossiping. buzz knows so much about the social hierarchy of every class sophia is in. he knows about every snotnose kid who was mean to his daughter and gives them dirty looks when he drops the kids off or sees them at birthday parties. 

she tells buzz basically everything about her life. they’re super close.

when she goes to college she makes buzz get whatever device they use in 2046 so they can message all the time. he iris messages her every time anyways.

goes to the farmer’s market with buzz every weekend and is always a smash hit with the customers. she knows how to play up her cuteness.

she’s just like the nicest, sweetest, most well-behaved kid. buzz and rosa have no clue how it happened.

loves flowers and gardening. they didn’t have a flower garden before sophia expressed interest, but buzz set it up just for her. she spends so much of her free time there. even if she’s not gardening, she has a hammock set up where she’ll do her homework or hang out.

ridiculously caring and selfless. 

the sweetest nicest bean ever. would not hurt a fly.

so smart. not just in school but rosa swears she got 100% of the athena wisdom gene. she gives amazing advice. 

ends up becoming a therapist when she grows up. and her home garden is magnificent.

silvia atenea “sil” goldman

born november 4, 2027

fraternal twin of sophia

she prefers “sil” to silvia

got buzz’s crazy curls

loves loves loves animals, bugs, and biology. has to be told several times by her parents to stop hanging out with wild animals on the farm and still doesn’t really listen.

she sneaks insects inside that end up escaping and it’s no fun for anyone. she did this with a snake once and got grounded for a month. never again.

whatever it is it usually ends up in sophia’s bed because they share a bunkbed. sophia has a complete meltdown every single time.

talks to caterpillars and chases butterflies when she’s supposed to be picking vegetables. also loves playing in the dirt as a kid.

seriously buzz and rosa have to wash her like three times a day because she keeps coming back inside covered in mud

reads all the time, mostly nonfiction books about animals. 

she enthusiastically shows pages about inchworm digestion to sophia, who screeches immediately

doesn’t get along great with her sisters but is super close with jake (also adam to an extent because they’re both science geeks). they’re both kind of social outcasts in school so he gets her really well even though he’s nine years older.

jake shows sil metal and she’s all about it

when she’s 10-11 and he’s 19-20 jake takes her to a couple of his shows and she has the time of her life.

on the spectrum. she’s has high-functioning autism. she mostly just doesn’t look people in the eye and when someone is saying something she’s not interested in she tends to tune them out completely.

tomboy/gender non-conforming. doesn’t care about gender norms.

not very interested in other people or in making friends. she has her own thing going on instead.

can be mean but it’s not on purpose

ends up becoming a wildlife biologist when she grows up. plays the doctor card nonstop as soon as she gets her phd. even her nieces and nephews call her “dr. auntie sil”

amalia michelle goldman

born july 12, 2029

her family often calls her ‘mali/molly’ but she prefers amalia

the most dramatic of the six kiddos because there’s too many of them and it’s really hard to get attention. she’s the kid who always has to cause a scene.

car rides are a nightmare. “mama! adam keeps poking me! tell him to stop right now!” “no i’m not! tattle!” “mama if adam keeps poking me i’m going to open the door and get out on the street and probably die!”

every time she gets sick as a kid she acts as if she’s going to die and writes a will where she leaves her jerk siblings nothing because they’re jerks who suck 

had a grudge against adam until he was like six because he usurped her as the baby of the family.

there’s an infamous family video of a five year old amalia pushing a crying two year old adam off his tricycle and it gets played at every hannukah and christmas.

somehow around the time they’re about 7/9 they actually become friends

your typical try hard nerd. very much like her mom. gets over-competitive about everything, total know it all, tries to take control of any room she’s in

president of like every nerdy club in high school

she loves using difficult vocabulary. everybody else hates it.

amalia and rosa have been prohibited from being on the same team or going 1v1 on family game night because it gets too intense too fast and then family game night is cancelled

consistently has the cleanest bedroom in the house

very logical and efficient. comes up with her own systems so she can be the best at everything.

becomes an english teacher. all her siblings say they feel bad for her students. she eventually becomes a principal. they say the same thing about the entire school.

adam emiliano goldman

born february 14, 2032

total mama’s boy. loves his mom and hangs out with her all the time. even in his teens. he doesn’t care what anyone says about that.

she calls him lovebug because he was born on valentines day

very smart, witty, and energetic

really a heartbreaker tbh

naturally gets attention by just who he is as a person

this enrages amalia

he loves school but always gets sent to the office for arguing with teachers. this happens throughout his entire schooling from kindergarten to senior year

rosa is so proud every time

very into his video games. and this is in the future so i bet it’s super cool and VR by then.

weirdly good at rapping and most of the family’s kinda unsure how they feel about this

gets into 90s east coast rap and buzz tell him he was there he was a toddler but he was there

he listens to so much old school rap it really amps him up

isn’t intimidated by anyone. constantly stands up to bullies no matter who they’re targeting.

he get’s buzz’s height - ends up being even taller at 6′4″ - and gets pretty good at basketball. he even goes to college on a basketball scholarship.

buzz hangs a hoop in the driveway and they play so much

buzz sees him playing basketball on tv for the first time and cries real dad tears

science nerd - loves chemistry specifically

becomes a research chemist

[erraticfairy]

Feel Like You Live for the Weekend? Small Ways to Recharge During Your Week

So many people feel like they just need to get through their workweek so they can finally relax and unwind on the weekend. They feel like they’re running on a treadmill they can’t get off from Monday to Friday, and on Saturday and Sunday, they can finally collapse on the couch or actually have fun.

One reason we feel this way is that we don’t have clear boundaries between work and home, so the weekend is when we let ourselves be “off,” said Alicia Hodge, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist and speaker in Maryland whose work centers around assisting people to overcome anxiety, gain new perspectives and enhance their self-care. “Unfortunately, living for the weekend puts an incredible amount of pressure on 48 hours.”

Another reason is that our work environment might be anything but enjoyable. Maybe you don’t like the work you do because you’re not being valued or supported or living in your purpose, said Holly Sawyer, PhD, a Philadelphia-based therapist specializing in helping professional women live their best life.

When we have the mentality that we’ll live our lives on the weekends, we miss out on joy and fulfillment during the week, our needs go unmet, and we only add to our frustration.

However, there are many small ways you can feel nourished and supported throughout the week, even if your job is demanding or stressful. As Hodge said, every day is an opportunity to savor a sweet moment—you don’t need to fixate on Friday night.

Here are some suggestions to get you started.

Address any stress. The first step is to reduce or eliminate stressors at work, said Ilona Salmons, Ed.D, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist that works with high-achieving professionals to resolve personal and occupational issues, including chronic stress and burnout. “Many of us can eliminate at least one or two things.” She suggested asking yourself: “What are the things that are causing me undue stress that have a clear and actionable solution?”

Embrace the new. “[I]ntroduce new experiences to your week,” Hodge said. And these experiences can be small, even tiny. Hodge shared these examples: Bring a new food for lunch; take a different way home and notice the differences; go outside and use your senses to savor your surroundings.

Pause to reflect. Sawyer suggested journaling in the evenings about your day. For instance, she said, you might journal about: three things that went well; three things you’re grateful for; three ways you acknowledged and cared for yourself (e.g., taking several breaks, listening to calming music while working); and three intentions for tomorrow.

“No one can predict the next day, so we can at least try to set our heart’s intention on what we would like to project in the workplace in hopes of getting the same positive energy in return.”

Transition when you get home. Include some kind of break between work and home to help you reset, Hodge said. For instance, you might practice deep breathing for 5 minutes, she said. You might change into comfortable clothes, perform several stretches or take a quick shower. You can do the same if you work from home (once you’ve decided you’ve completed your work day).

Practice pampering. After work, engage in simple activities that appeal to your senses. For instance, Salmons suggested giving yourself a facial or applying a face mask or scrub. Take a long bath with the works: light candles, use drops of essential oils, put on your favorite music. What feels like pampering to you? How can you include that in your week in small ways?

Have an evening routine. A routine “can keep your body in a rhythm and will give your brain cues when it is time to rest,” Hodge said. For instance, she said, your routine might look like: not checking work emails 30 minutes before bed, writing a small list of what you’re grateful for; and listening to relaxing sounds as you fall asleep. Think about what sincerely soothes you.

Create small moments with others. You can do this both at home and at work. For instance, some of Salmons’s clients take the time to stop by their colleagues’ desks to say “good morning” and chat for a few minutes. Other clients aim to engage in at least one prosocial activity per day, such as giving a compliment, bringing a colleague coffee or offering to help on a project.

“Attorneys I interviewed who said they had at least one colleague whom they could trust reported that these relationships played a significant role in reducing stress.”

When at home, some of her clients have stopped discussing work with their spouses and instead use that time to reconnect or do something fun together.

If you have kids, Sawyer suggested asking them about their day, letting them read to you, and finding ways to laugh together. As she said, “Laughter is great medicine.”

Meet multiple needs with one activity. That is, go to a fun networking event, which includes professional development and social time, Salmons said. You also might take a walk with a friend, or start a monthly book club with family.

In other words, “group things together to get the most out of your time,” Salmons said. To start, think about what you need, particularly during the week, and what single activities check off several of those boxes (e.g., the need for connection, the need for calm, the need to play).

Identify what’s siphoning your time. You might have more time than you think for things that rejuvenate and energize you. Many of Salmons’s clients who are high achievers also procrastinate. “Once we work on their procrastination, they find that they free up a lot of time by being more effective and efficient while at work—and consequently don’t have to work overtime or [bring] their work home.”

Another time suck are mornings if you end up taking a while to get ready. This is when Salmons’s clients have streamlined their wardrobes or lay out their clothes the night before. This saves time, which can be spent doing something that brings joy, such as journaling, meditating, dancing, drawing or cooking breakfast.

Social media also siphons our time. “[M]any people spend hours per day on social media: 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, it all adds up,” Salmons said. If you reduce your social media use or eliminate it altogether, you can free up hours each day to practice self-care and other meaningful activities, she said.

In other words, take a look at how you structure your days and accomplish tasks. Can you do something to simplify your process, to decrease decision-making—and thereby give yourself more time to do what really matters, to do what you love, to do what makes you smile?

“Recharging during the week is simply about being intentional and also having self-compassion,” Hodge said. “Show yourself your value by making time for the here and now versus reserving happiness for the weekend.”

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2CIuFOc via theshiningmind.com

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Feel Like You Live for the Weekend? Small Ways to Recharge During Your Week

So many people feel like they just need to get through their workweek so they can finally relax and unwind on the weekend. They feel like they’re running on a treadmill they can’t get off from Monday to Friday, and on Saturday and Sunday, they can finally collapse on the couch or actually have fun.

One reason we feel this way is that we don’t have clear boundaries between work and home, so the weekend is when we let ourselves be “off,” said Alicia Hodge, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist and speaker in Maryland whose work centers around assisting people to overcome anxiety, gain new perspectives and enhance their self-care. “Unfortunately, living for the weekend puts an incredible amount of pressure on 48 hours.”

Another reason is that our work environment might be anything but enjoyable. Maybe you don’t like the work you do because you’re not being valued or supported or living in your purpose, said Holly Sawyer, PhD, a Philadelphia-based therapist specializing in helping professional women live their best life.

When we have the mentality that we’ll live our lives on the weekends, we miss out on joy and fulfillment during the week, our needs go unmet, and we only add to our frustration.

However, there are many small ways you can feel nourished and supported throughout the week, even if your job is demanding or stressful. As Hodge said, every day is an opportunity to savor a sweet moment—you don’t need to fixate on Friday night.

Here are some suggestions to get you started.

Address any stress. The first step is to reduce or eliminate stressors at work, said Ilona Salmons, Ed.D, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist that works with high-achieving professionals to resolve personal and occupational issues, including chronic stress and burnout. “Many of us can eliminate at least one or two things.” She suggested asking yourself: “What are the things that are causing me undue stress that have a clear and actionable solution?”

Embrace the new. “[I]ntroduce new experiences to your week,” Hodge said. And these experiences can be small, even tiny. Hodge shared these examples: Bring a new food for lunch; take a different way home and notice the differences; go outside and use your senses to savor your surroundings.

Pause to reflect. Sawyer suggested journaling in the evenings about your day. For instance, she said, you might journal about: three things that went well; three things you’re grateful for; three ways you acknowledged and cared for yourself (e.g., taking several breaks, listening to calming music while working); and three intentions for tomorrow.

“No one can predict the next day, so we can at least try to set our heart’s intention on what we would like to project in the workplace in hopes of getting the same positive energy in return.”

Transition when you get home. Include some kind of break between work and home to help you reset, Hodge said. For instance, you might practice deep breathing for 5 minutes, she said. You might change into comfortable clothes, perform several stretches or take a quick shower. You can do the same if you work from home (once you’ve decided you’ve completed your work day).

Practice pampering. After work, engage in simple activities that appeal to your senses. For instance, Salmons suggested giving yourself a facial or applying a face mask or scrub. Take a long bath with the works: light candles, use drops of essential oils, put on your favorite music. What feels like pampering to you? How can you include that in your week in small ways?

Have an evening routine. A routine “can keep your body in a rhythm and will give your brain cues when it is time to rest,” Hodge said. For instance, she said, your routine might look like: not checking work emails 30 minutes before bed, writing a small list of what you’re grateful for; and listening to relaxing sounds as you fall asleep. Think about what sincerely soothes you.

Create small moments with others. You can do this both at home and at work. For instance, some of Salmons’s clients take the time to stop by their colleagues’ desks to say “good morning” and chat for a few minutes. Other clients aim to engage in at least one prosocial activity per day, such as giving a compliment, bringing a colleague coffee or offering to help on a project.

“Attorneys I interviewed who said they had at least one colleague whom they could trust reported that these relationships played a significant role in reducing stress.”

When at home, some of her clients have stopped discussing work with their spouses and instead use that time to reconnect or do something fun together.

If you have kids, Sawyer suggested asking them about their day, letting them read to you, and finding ways to laugh together. As she said, “Laughter is great medicine.”

Meet multiple needs with one activity. That is, go to a fun networking event, which includes professional development and social time, Salmons said. You also might take a walk with a friend, or start a monthly book club with family.

In other words, “group things together to get the most out of your time,” Salmons said. To start, think about what you need, particularly during the week, and what single activities check off several of those boxes (e.g., the need for connection, the need for calm, the need to play).

Identify what’s siphoning your time. You might have more time than you think for things that rejuvenate and energize you. Many of Salmons’s clients who are high achievers also procrastinate. “Once we work on their procrastination, they find that they free up a lot of time by being more effective and efficient while at work—and consequently don’t have to work overtime or [bring] their work home.”

Another time suck are mornings if you end up taking a while to get ready. This is when Salmons’s clients have streamlined their wardrobes or lay out their clothes the night before. This saves time, which can be spent doing something that brings joy, such as journaling, meditating, dancing, drawing or cooking breakfast.

Social media also siphons our time. “[M]any people spend hours per day on social media: 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there, it all adds up,” Salmons said. If you reduce your social media use or eliminate it altogether, you can free up hours each day to practice self-care and other meaningful activities, she said.

In other words, take a look at how you structure your days and accomplish tasks. Can you do something to simplify your process, to decrease decision-making—and thereby give yourself more time to do what really matters, to do what you love, to do what makes you smile?

“Recharging during the week is simply about being intentional and also having self-compassion,” Hodge said. “Show yourself your value by making time for the here and now versus reserving happiness for the weekend.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/feel-like-you-live-for-the-weekend-small-ways-to-recharge-during-your-week/

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 23 September 2017

With a glass of spiked Prehistoric Punch in hand and Jurassic Park on the TV it is off to discuss the latest from my favorite advice columnist to complain about.

I’ve had two specific fantasies since puberty. Now, many years later, I feel my sexuality drying up and blowing away, and I want to check off these two boxes first. Except I am married to a wonderful person, whom I adore! I’ve asked, but she is not interested in these things. I’m not after anything dark or obscure. I could solve this problem for a few hundred dollars while on a business trip and that would be that. I never have, though, as my wife would be crushed if she found out. Is this kind of thing ever OK? How do other people handle this?

Is This Ever OK?

Dear In This Ever OK, other people handle this one of three ways:

1) They convince their partner to acquiesce to their interest; if not out of pure enjoyment at least out of a sense of “you know, I love this person and letting them dress as Olaf from Frozen and pretend to cover me with his magical icicle shooter will make him happy,” obligation.

b) They accept that you can’t always get what you want, and that life spent with a wonderful person you adore is well worth sacrificing never getting to act out their Kirk/Sisko slashfic.

III) They go ahead and cheat on their adored and wonderful spouse.

I’m going to assume you’ve made enough of an effort to bring your wife around to your fulfilling your fantasy that, at this point, any further attempts are just going to make her dig in her heels further. Plus, I’m sure a resigned “FINE.  I’ll let your draw the Mona Lisa on my back in Arby’s Horsey Sauce” followed by an epic sigh isn’t how you imagined the scene playing out when you were 12.  So this leaves you with 2 and 3.

As you begin scouring the pages of Fetlife and Craigslist do so knowing you’re going to get caught.  The Prudie archives dating back to before Good Pru and well into Bad Pru are filled with tales of significant others who discovered their partner’s infidelity by intentionally or accidently snooping.  Go ahead and be honest with yourself here.  Let’s suppose the fantasies play out exactly how you imagined they would when you were defiling a happy sock as a teenager.  You’re going to discover this plays out exactly as you hoped, and then you’re going to be satisfied with it for the rest of your life?  You’re not going to want to revist them again?  You’re not going to decide that fantasy you’ve had since your 20s isn’t also crying out for fulfillment?  Heck, let’s say it doesn’t play out as you hoped.  Are you really going to accept it wasn’t meant to be and not say “you know, that single mom whose ex is behind on child support just wasn’t into it, maybe this college girl needing help with books will be!” and give it another go?  You got away with it once, no reason you can’t again afterall.

Don’t cheat on your partner.  Accept that life doesn’t exist to fulfill your every hedonistic desire.  Go check out PornHub for what they have in your fantasy.

I have been with my fiancé for almost four years. He’s smart, funny, generous, and attentive. He also has some problems with drinking and a wicked temper. These problems have come to a head before, with a couple of drunken tantrums over the years. This past weekend, it was worse than it’s ever been, and he put me through a wall. I’m OK physically now.

Dear Shocked and Hurt, I can’t really add anything to Newdie’s comments about dealing with the appalling attack you suffered and how important it is you do what you need to ensure your safety.  That wasn't your question though.  Instead you were wondering whether it was delusional to believe it is something you two could move beyond and live a healthy, caring, supporting, abuse-free life together.  You’re not delusional to think that it is possible.  It might be unlikely but I’m sure sometime throughout human history there have been couples who have been what you’ve been through and were able to move beyond it.  Granted, the only example I can think of is Belle and (to Disney Wiki...) Prince Adam, but it’s a big world.  However you’re not going to have the life you hope together when the only consequence he faces is pouring out some booze and saying he’s getting therapy.  Your wedding date wasn’t set in stone and brought down from the mountain by a man carrying three two tablets.  Postpone or cancel it.  When your fiancé completes treatment for his alcohol abuse and anger issues, and after a long period where he demonstrates his improvement, and you’re comfortable and feel safe again you might be able to revisit a relationship with him.  However I would like you to consider the possibility this isn’t just an alcohol or anger problem but that he really is a manipulative abuser who waited until you were very deeply committed and entangled to really ramp up his abuse.

My parents died more than a decade ago, when I was 25. I moved home and helped raised my younger siblings (ages 11 to 17). I stayed until my youngest brother got accepted into college and made sure that the life insurance money went toward their schooling. None of my siblings had to worry about loans the way I did. I gave up a lot: my fiancé, getting my Ph.D., going to live overseas, etc. I didn’t even get to grieve for my parents because I was busy trying to be them. I wasn’t perfect, and I made mistakes, but I did my best.

Dear When do I get to Stop Being the Parent, ummmmmmm,... 14ish years ago?  Not helpful, I know.  You were thrust into a role you were unprepared for, sacrificed the life you hoped, and did the best you could.  It is time to return to being your sisters’ sister.  You don’t get to control “Stella’s” education, she is an adult.  What she is owed is whatever remains of your parents estate for her, and/or her education.  As for “Leanne” I’m going to take this opportunity to share my feelings on co-signing loans: don’t.  If you want or need to help someone with a loan give money to help with a down payment to lower the payment.  If they can’t qualify without your co-signing this is a blaring warning sign.  And while you say your don’t have this problem with your brothers, I’d recommend talking with them about your role as their sister too.  If you haven’t done so recently get with a lawyer to go over the estate, what is owed to your sisters, and what you can do to extricate yourself from the guardian role and back into an elder peer role as their sister.

Since getting married my husband and I have always spent Thanksgiving with his family. This year, for the first time, his mother asked us if “we” (me, since my husband doesn’t cook) would host since it is becoming too much for her. I said I would under two conditions: I’d ask a few other people to contribute dishes so I don’t have to cook everything, and I would not invite her racist, sexist brother. I’m not interested in spending Thanksgiving toiling away and being subjected to Uncle Bob’s gross comments on top of it. His mom is very upset and says I’m trying to destroy their family traditions and rip the family apart.

Dear Thankless Thanksgiving, minor quibble, you are trying to destroy family traditions since, apparently, “all of mom’s brothers” is part of that tradition.  Making a point of refusing to invite Uncle Bob is the sort of action which really will blow up traditions.  That doesn’t mean it’s a tradition worth holding on to, but it helps when you acknowledge the intended outcome of your actions.  Ultimately it is “your house, your rules”.  This is doubly so when it involves a significant amount of your time and your dime as major family meals tend to do, even with other contributing dishes.  Before you accept your mother-in-law’s request to host (assuming it even remains extended) you need to make sure you and your husband are on the same bandwidth about your requirements.  If he’s not willing to back your “No Bob” policy in the face of his family then you’re doomed.  Even if he doesn’t agree this is probably an issue he just needs to suck it up on and back his wife.

Apologies in advance for how melodramatic this is, and I promise I have a therapist and a psychiatrist and all that jazz. I’m still scared, though. About three or four times a year, I have the overwhelming desire to kill myself. This started when I was 9 (I’m 29 now), and it doesn’t seem like it will go away. Obviously suicide is bad, and I have people who love me and who would be devastated if I died, but if it were an accident … I guess I’m writing to you to ask if every human life has equal value, which is a casual and normal question. I truly believe there could be an exception for someone who is fine, but nothing special, and who no one could ever be in a romantic relationship with.

Dear Destined to Fail, no need to apologize to me.  One, you didn’t write to me, two you can’t control how someone perceives you.  This is not melodramatic.  It’s perfectly reasonable discussion.  I’m certainly not qualified to discuss the suicidal ideation.  Let me go ahead though and report the National Suicide Helpline: 800-273-8255.  You can chat with them here or text with them at 838255.  So let’s go ahead and discuss the non-killing yourself part of your letter.

Everyone’s life has value and everyone is the most important person in the world to someone.  You or I might not value any given person’s life the same, and they will value ours differently too, but that doesn’t mean they’re worthless or not precious and that their life isn’t to be cherished.  As for love and finding it, it’s not a quarter on the sidewalk.  It is work and effort and mistakes and loss and missed opportunities.  It doesn’t come easier to the beautiful or more difficultly for the homely (however you wish to define those terms).  Thinking of people in terms of bad or awesome personalities is corrosive to yourself though.  It’s impossible to know someone’s mind and what is going on in a relationship to which you’re not a part.  Maybe they’re an awful person to you, but to that person who loves them thinks they are the world.  Not everyone is amazing to all people at all times.  That description of being destined to screw up is the sort of thought which, in my experience, comes with some wicked depression; that overwhelming feeling that, no matter what, it is all going to go to shit.  And will keep going to shit.  And that you deserve to have it go to shit.  It’s awful and I sincerely hope you’re able to get the help you need.

My boyfriend is really into playing guitar. A lot. He’s good at it and gets a little income that way, alongside some (pretty unstable) manual labor. He’s trying hard to make it work professionally, which I’m trying equally hard to support. The thing is that there’s a little voice in me that’s unconvinced. I know how that sounds, but it’s a tough industry! And we’re in our mid-30s and totally broke. Also not helping is that when he’s in the “creative zone” (which can last for weeks), he gets stressed and short-tempered with me. 

Dear Fretting, are you from Canada?  Did your boyfriend once leave you for a girl whose parents had a pool?  How that little voice sounds to me is “The Voice Of Reason And Sanity”.  The issue of him trying to make it as a musician is separate from his issue of how he treats you while being “creative”.  Being “creative“ is not carte blanche to be an ass to everyone.  You need to have already been a success to have your asshole tendencies be that of a “creative mind”.  When you’re not successful you’re simply being an ass.  Don’t allow that to be an excuse he uses to treat you poorly.  Just because he’s being creative doesn’t mean he gets to treat his girlfriend rudely.  Honestly, he sounds like a drummer.  Maybe his problem is he’s really a drummer but he’s playing guitar.

What does “make it work professionally” even mean?  If what he likes is simply being a musician and playing his guitar there’s no reason he can’t do that while also having a job which provides for himself.