#trying to feel better by admiring myself and figured why not post

[bunnyboy-juice]

you're welcome 🩷

[aloesarchives]

Tags/Warnings: Fem!Reader/Pronouns, Swearing, Gojo has a hard crush on you, Gojo vs Toji Part 3, The word ass being used, Toji straight up having beef and fighting a bunch of teenagers, Nicknames such as beloved and hon(ney), JJK OCs, Out of pocket moments and sayings, Me being an annoying narrator

[Semi-proofread, informal formatting, and edited as of 12/22/2023 10:18am CST]

Summary: One of the truths behind Toji's beef with Gojo

Word count: 2.8k words

(A/N: I spent 10pm-6am writing this because I just need to or I would never forgive myself if I didn't! I promise I will have some of the "Toji lives" AU posts ready by next week because your girl got her ADHD meds back in stock!! Thank you for being patient with me and my inconsistent updates!!) (12/22/2023 6:05am CST)

💙I love you all! 💙🥰😚💙

💙❤️Please Enjoy!!!💙❤️

The REAL reason Toji has major beef with Gojo is because Gojo had a crush on you during his high school days when you would sub for Yaga in the classroom and training sessions. He did try his best to keep it under wraps but Geto was like,

"Bro, she's the same age as Yaga-sensei. . . Stop reaching, Satoru. . . Do I need to remind you who (L/N)-sama is married to again?"

The Gojo responded with, "Suguru, I don't give a shit about that loser. He's a bum, anyway. The question you should be asking is why (L/N)-dono is fucking married and still in-love to a deadbeat like him. I would have been a better option. Face it Suguru, I'm right."

While Satoru has a point, as Suguru noted, it doesn't change the fact that Satoru was crushing on a MARRIED woman who had TWO kids.

Though it was true, Satoru would have technically been a good husband/father/lover. However, there are many reasons why it must be ruled out.

Satoru is over half your age. Picking him meant allegations and a prison cell. Gojo tried reasoning with you, "But (Y/N)-dono! Age is just a number, give me two years!" "And Prison is just a place, Satoru-kun. I don't want to be labeled as a child predator, let alone be framed for "seDuCinG" the Gojo heir. I want to have a clean record."

While his personality brought you happiness, his carefree nature would clash a lot with you. He can mature but his child-like spirit and carefree persona isn't something you would personally deal with.

He was more of your protégé/junior/student if anything. You saw him more as your son and acted like a parental figure. You wanted to watch him grow and mature. Not become his lover.

To spite the higher-ups and Jujutsu elders(excluding your clan). Given you were a powerful and skillful sorcerer, marrying Gojo would be "BeNeFiCiaL" to Jujutsu society. However, it meant that you were on a watchlist 24/7 and pressured to have an HeIR. It made you physically sick and ill thinking what those old useless dementia white-haired cowards are allow to do that just to better "society" but not its citizens.

You are MARRIED to a man who is trying to step up after his major fuck ups. It's not perfect but Toji is his best trying after you gave him his life and freedom. Since he technically can't leave your home or go to Jujutsu High without your supervision, he's basically househusband duty. And he was getting pretty damn good at it too. Plus Toji's hot, he got you feral and gnawing at your teeth with his signature smile and smirk. And the way his arms flex when he crosses them, or how they feel when you link arms together.

While it wasn't super obvious, okay it was obvious, you always shot down Satoru's playful confessions and light-hearted shenanigans. Basically rejecting him every time. Usually, Suguru would warn you in advance but you know it would happen with each interactions. While you firmly turned him down, you made him understand why it can't and WON'T happen. You still care for him, just never romantically, only platonically and motherly. You made it clear that his "love" for you was just a strong admiration and infatuation disguised as a crush.

Though he was heartbroken, at first. Satoru slowly understand what you mean and his crush slowly fades away as it's replaced with immense respect for you.

HOWEVER, it still linger and not widely known because Toji finally gets word of this through the grapevine. A.K.A, through his two children Megumi and Tsumiki. It happened one day when you brought the two to the school so you can keep a close eye on them since they didn't have school that day. Toji was out doing errands so the two kids are accompanying you. Megumi and Tsumiki were occupied with their books and toys while you taught and trained the students. Megumi and Tsumiki went to find you because they were hungry and you had their lunches. As they looked for you, they see you talking to Satoru. They meet him a couple of times but he's still a stranger to them compared to Shoko or Suguru. So when they see Gojo with you, all alone with no one around, they thought it was major sus.

As they snuck closer, they could hear bit and pieces of what Gojo is saying to you. Megumi lowkey thinks Gojo is super annoying and acts more of a child then he does. But what catches his ears first was something with along the lines of, "(L/N)-dono, please consider it-" "Satoru-kun, how many time will I need to say no to you? You know I can never feel for you that way. Plus it's bad for me to agree to it. You know that it's admiration and infatuation if anything. Not love."

See Megumi knows you only use love as in 'I love you" to him, his sister, and his dad. But to this dude? Nah, something fishy is going on and Megumi gotta tell his dad about it. Megumi comes running, yelling "Mommy!!!". You and Satoru turn to see your son running to you and colliding with your legs. You crouch down and pat your son's head and smile at your daughter following behind him. Megumi hands your hand tightly as you lead them away to have lunch with your kids. Satoru made a face at Megumi when he saw the kid glare at him.

Once you three made it home, you're in the bathroom changing into some home clothes. Meanwhile, Toji was cooking dinner while Megumi and Tsumiki were waiting for you at the dinner table. As Toji was asking them about their day with you, Megumi brought up Gojo's advances and confession towards you. When Megumi said this, the beef Toji was about to flip plopped right back onto the pan. He looks back at Megumi and asks if there's anything else that he can share. As Megumi shares what he has seen through his perspective, Toji asks Tsumiki to confirm is this is all true, to which she said yes, backing up Megumi's claims.

"Yeah, Papa. Satoru-kun is weird. Even though Mama keeps saying she's married to you, he still does it. Tsumiki saw it too."

"I see... Thank you, Megumi and Tsumiki for watching and taking care of Mama for me. I appreciate it a lot. Can you tell her that dinner is almost ready?"

The kids nodded and went to go get you. After dinner and putting the kids to bed, you were sipping your favorite drink as Toji is doing the dishes. You would have helped him but he said no. While you two were talking, he brings up Satoru and his school crush on you.

"Toji, beloved, you know that it's just a small crush. It's nothing more then puppy love for me. Nothing more and nothing less. And you know that you're the only man that I am willing to give my heart to."

"I know that, (Y/N). But what does this brat got on me to think he's a better match for you? Just because this kid is practically a god doesn't mean everyone will bow down to him. I'm definitely not one of them. And to know that said brat is flirting with you even though you're visibly married with kids, he needs to read the room. I will be going with you to school tomorrow. The kids go back to school the next day, and I already got this week's groceries and cleaned the house."

You would have protested if Toji didn't give you a searing kiss while caging you in his arms. Fuck he looked so hot. Curse him and his good looks *punching the air*.

"Fine, you can come. BUT, Toji you need to behavior yourself. You already knew the deal. You better not be doing any funny business."

"Yes, Ma'am. You're the boss, I promise you." Toji says as he gave you a kiss on the cheek before lightly patting your ass.

After dropping the kids off, Toji accompanies you to the school. Toji is just silent and sits in one of the chairs as you do your lessons. Toji is leaning on the chair with a smirk plastered on his face. Not a care in the world. After a few lessons, you were going to teach and train Gojo, Geto, and Shoko for the rest of the school day. As you went to their classroom, they greet you, especially Gojo. However, the mood changed when they saw Toji walk in behind you, wearing nothing but a black slim fit t-shirt and grey sweatpants. Toji gave a head nod to the teens while he just takes a seat in a chair to lean on it. The three were shock to see him.

Particularly because they did expect him to come with you to the school at all. Suguru had an idea but he hoped it wasn't going to be it. After teaching a lesson, you told the three to practice their curse techniques and let their curse energy loose. While doing so, you told them that you would have to speak to Yaga for a bit on something and would be back 15 minutes tops. You told Toji to behave, and he nodded and gave a thumbs up. As you leave the kids and your husband on the train grounds, that's when the storm started brewing. Toji walks up to Gojo and is 3 feet from him. He smirks while looking at him up and down, sizing him up. Shoko and Suguru are on the sidelines as Toji, a married adult male in his 30s, was beefing with a 16 year old high school student.

Suguru: "Satoru, I don't think this is a good idea-"

Satoru: "Hush now, Suguru. . . It's my time to shine. . . Watch the master at work."

Suguru proceeds to roll his eyes but becomes a little weary after his last encounter with Toji was. . . unideal. Given one of their teachers was shot in the throat by Toji saving Anamai, and himself getting injured. It wasn't something he wanted to constantly get reminded of. But ever since you liberated Toji from the higher ups and explained it to your students, Suguru has slowly been changing his views on Toji. It will take a while but it's getting there. Anyhow, Suguru told Shoko to book it once the two were going to throw down.

Satoru: "So, what brings you back here, Toji~? You just couldn't get me out of that little mind of yours~? You're mad I'm 1-0 with you?"

Toji: "Kid, I'm pretty sure that it's 1-1 since I won our first battle. Anyway, I heard through the grapevine that you gave (Y/N) a love confession. Don't you know it's bad to confess and hit on a married woman who has kids? Were you taught any manners? Then again, by the way you act, you probably have none."

Satoru: "You're just mad, Old Man. That I, Satoru Gojo, would treat (Y/N)-dono better and treat her worth. Face it, Old Man. I'm a better match for her than you'll ever be."

Toji: "Like she ever goes for someone half her age, Brat. Plus, you'll never look at you as a lover ever. You're more of a son to her and that's the closest you'll get."

Satoru: "Well, she doesn't need a bum like you around. Imagine fighting a bunch of teens and getting your ass beat by said teens. Skill issue if you ask me."

Toji: "Watch your tongue, Boy. Remember who made you struggle for the first time in your life and actually killed you. While, you know, fucking up your best friend, the second strongest sorcerer, with no curse energy? I got your ass with no gifts other than being a superhuman with weapons. You can never beat me, I'm just built different, Kid."

Satoru: "You wanna test that, Toji~? You got no curse weapons with you. I can pack you up like you're a school lunch."

Toji: "Kid, please. I don't need any weapons to beat you, let alone kill you. You see this? This is a rock, and I can use it to beat you. I also still have my hands too. And I am more then willing to give it to you, Gojo~kun."

Satoru: "You think I'm scared of someone like you? I've ascended, enlighten if you will. If you even know what that word is. Throughout Heaven and Earth, I alone am the honored one. Remember those words, Fushiguro-san? Remember them good because I will put you six feet underground."

Toji: "I see then, Kid. . . So you're playing God? I guess that makes me a God Slayer then. . . Prepare yourself, Kid. . ."

Satoru: "Alright, bet then, Bozo."

Thus, Gojo and Toji started to go at each other for round 3. Shoko was already gone and the two started fighting in the training grounds. Five minutes have already passed and they have made five decently sized craters. Just as both of them were about to throw a punch at each other, they suddenly felt a powerful presence which halted them. They turn to you walking towards them with a furious face unimaginable.

"GOJO SATORU AND TOJI (L/N) FUSHIGURO!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?! I LEAVE FOR LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR AND I GET CALLED BACK BECAUSE OF THIS!?!?"

"(Y/N)-dono!!"

"(Y/N)!"

You moved like a blur and appeared next to them vice gripping their forearms tightly. You dragged them to the nearest empty classroom you can find or any room. You were just so livid that you didn't hear Gojo whining about your grip and asking to let you go like a child. As you let them go once you dragged them far enough, you smacked both of them hard on the head. Shoko and Gojo were watching this as Yaga appeared right next to them shortly. It was interesting seeing two of the most broken people in the world kneeling with their heads down in-front of a woman who doesn't have god-like abilities.

"GOJO, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT USING BOTH OF YOUR ABILITIES DURING TRAINING SESSIONS!?!? YOU KNOW THE CALAMITY AND DAMAGE YOU COULD'VE CAUSED!?"

"BUT (Y/N)-dono! He-"

"NO BUTS, GOJO!! AND YOU, TOJI, I LITERALLY JUST SAID NO FUNNY BUSINESS AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO CREATE THE NEXT SECOND COMING OF CHRIST. I DON'T NEED ANOTHER RAPTURE HERE. I'M STILL DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH FROM THE TWO OF YOU AS IT IS!!!"

"Okay, Hon. I take full responsibility for my actions today."

"YOU BETTER, TOJI!!! YOU'RE A FULL GROWN MARRIED MAN WITH TWO KIDS!!!"

"But (Y/N)-dono, I was not going to kill him last time-"

"NO ONES DYING HERE!!! NEITHER OF YOU WILL NOT DIE AS LONG AS I AM AROUND. I WON'T LET THE BOTH OF YOU KILL EACH OTHER OVER SOME PETTINESS AND A BOY CRUSH."

You start to calm down but you are still firm with them.

"I know this started because of Satoru's crush on me. . . Satoru, I will not love you romantically and date you. Please understand that. I care for you like family and that is said for the rest of you. Yes you, Suguru, Shoko, and Yaga. And Toji, I'm not leaving you for a child. I would be in jail and not working here. . . Geez, I saw this from a mile away but never expected this to happen. Now, you two better behave yourselves or else. You two don't have to say sorry or anything like of the sort. Just don't go tearing at each other's throats when I both am and am not around. Please, for me. . ."

The two looked at each other before saying a soft yeah. After that, Yaga told you to go home early and he would take it from there. You had to patch up Toji a bit but it wasn't anything of concern. From then on, Toji and Gojo just banter and bicker with each other. It's funny to watch except for Megumi since he's seeing his dad beefing with his unofficial adoptive older brother 24/7.

Satoru eventually grows out of his crush for (Y/N) but Suguru and Shoko never let him down. Hell, it's a running gag in the school about Gojo's old crush on you. Gojo always gets super embarrassed about it, especially when you join in but it's all fun and games with you all.

The only person who genuinely hates it is Megumi because the thought of Gojo having romantic feelings for you and trying to woo you made Megumi visibly ill and sick to his core. He would lowkey help his dad beat up Gojo if Gojo's crush on you became serious again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

💙Author's Notes💙: 💙I am truly grateful to each and everyone of you in showing me that my writing is enjoyable to read!!! I appreciate you all from the bottom of my heart for making my comeback worthwhile! I hate to sound giga cringe but every single one of you that likes, reblogs, and comments on my writing post make me want to continue writing because I know that there are people out there that like what I make.💙 💙So once again, I am truly grateful and feel appreciative that everyone single one of you enjoy what I have been writing. I hope you all stay healthy, drink your water/favorite drink, treat yourself kindly, and take a break because you earned it!💙🥰 ❄️💙💙Happy Holidays to all of you, my GOATS!!!💙💙❄️

[huellitaa]

hello hello huelittaa 👋✨ do u have any tips for someone struggling with motivation to workout? or even to take a simple walk? thank uu 🤍

bee's physical activity handbook: motive 🎀 . ݁₊ ⊹

hiiii ml!!!!!!!! 🫶🏻🩷💗 sorry this has been sitting in my inbox for a few days BUT IM HERE NOW !!!!! honestly this is something i also struggle with myself ,, i am still recovering from depression personally so this is still difficult for me sometimes too but these are some things i do !!!! ♡

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 1. prepare urself for the possibility

so since i know i have this problem a lot, it helps me to be prepared for this in advance. i actually have a whole notion page filled with a table of letters to myself in specific situations i find myself in a lot, this included, and have a whole archived stored of cute photos and motivation and things like articles and videos and tumblr posts on the main page and in the letters that make me wanna get up and do shit and its my LIFESAVER. (should i make a post on this?)

but i'd suggest to keep a note or page or document , physical or digital, filled with just motivation for this specific thing, like things you like about it, photos romanticising working out or going outside, songs that motivate you, etc etc etc. the list goes on but you get the point ♡

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 2. detective chapter: analysis! ♡

figure out why you dont want to. this is the main thing that helps me and its so simple but once u figure out the root u figure out the rest and this applies just the same here too. is it laziness? mental health? exhaustion? overworking? burnout? you won't be able to continue until you haven't found the actual problem. it's like trying to travel with no path to travel on.

💭𓂃 ࣪˖ 3. pep talk!

one thing i do that helps me the most is literally just lay in bed or wherever you are where ur procrastinating and thinking about this over and over and going back and forth whether to do it or not is to force the thoughts out (literally. u can envision it if it helps!) and deadass bully myself into doing it 😭😭

(🗒🎀 note: i've also found it helps for some people to do this in the mirror, just so ur face to face w urself as it were. plus u get to admire urself at the same time so its a win all around)

if ur not into harsh motivation, another thing i love, esp when im not feeling great enough to deal w harsh motivation is pretend ur giving advice to a friend or ur child in this position. this is one of the greatest pieces of advice ive ever gotten i literally cannot stress this enough. do this‼️ p.s. you can do this in ur head or out loud. i usually do some mix of both because i am a professional at talking to myself constantly literally all the time

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ 4. use gratitude in ur favour!

one thing i like to do is essentially guilt trip myself into doing it. erm. you can also call this gratitude it sounds a lot better. think of how grateful you are to even have the opportunity to go outside safely to go for a walk, to be able to work out and keep urself healthy, because there's always someone who's not going to be able to do those things. it is a privilege to live your life and this should be classed as one too.

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 5. all about the outlook

another thing i love that falls into the category of motivation is treating it as an act of love and luxury rather than a chore and changing ur outlook on it. for example,

"oh, i have to do this or i'm a failure" or "i really don't want to do it today"

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ into...

"i deserve to do this for myself because i deserve to be taken care of and kept in good health."

and i find this makes me so much more open to it because you do deserve it.

🧸𓂃 ࣪˖ 6. romanticism; obviously!

okayyyy i know you hear this EVERYWHERE but ‼️its‼️because‼️its true‼️ romanticism is my LIFE not a day goes by where i dont act like im a silly girl in a pink girly shoujo world, and i do this even more so when i dont wanna get up and do simple tasks like this.

some things that give me motivation via romanticism is getting dressed up and cute even if i'm just going for a walk and listening to music and appreciating the world (🗒🎀 note: i love taking pictures or going on different routes whenever i go for walks! it makes the experience so much sweeter and more enjoyable ♡), or putting on cute clothes, loud music and grabbing a pretty waterbottle and hyping myself up to do even just 10 mins of pilates because something is always better than nothing!!!!!!!!!!!

🎀𓂃 ࣪˖ 7. something is better than nothing

with the last note from my previous point in mind, try and always do just a little bit, even if it's not the amount you intended. say you wanted to workout for 20 minutes every day, but you really weren't feeling it today? do 10 instead. this way ur still doing something. we always have tomorrow. take it at ur own pace. you wanted to go running every day? just go for a walk. you can always try again. there is no limit on how many attempts you have with these things. this is always better than just doing nothing at all. this is basically finding the middle ground when you do these things. which leads me onto my final point ,,♡

✨️𓂃 ࣪˖ 8. finding the middle ground

the no.1 thing in all of this is please don't beat urself up for it if you don't feel like it sometimes, but still keep to it as best as possible. say for example you really didn't want to one day but you had no real reason not to, you should still do it. but if your emotional or physical health or anything like that is in a bad place right now, then allow urself to skip for a day or two. dont beat urself up over it, but keep to it when and where you can because i know its difficult sometimes ♡

all my love, and u got this!!!!!!!!!! 🩷🫶🏻💬💗🎀

[conceptofjoy]

what do u think of dirk n hals Gender Situation given 10 or 20 years? if they ever finally settle down their various identity issues etc

......... great question..

dirk's masculine gender identity is fucking fascinating and there's always something new to consider when i look at it at a different angle. and i mean this also goes for bro too. like gender is a very complex thing in homestuck with many metaphors physical or thematical littered about. Dirk specific gender identifiers are lil cal (empty), being seen as cherry red (either failing at those standards or admired for achieving them), and bro-ism which in this instance is often interchanged with heroism.

canonically in caliborn's masterpiece, after dirk seals caliborn away into cal, and lets cal and arq go, homie has straight up lost all the signifiers he's identified with and is left in his pink god tier outfit. literally forced to reckon with the fact that he is a gay man, and how that actually may be way better than the alternative that he was trying so desperately to be seen as. idk there was a series of posts i made about it a month or so ago. this is like, the final realization dirk has in the comic. i mean i dunno about specifics of labels, but gay and genderqueer is like the basic all encompassing ones. to be honest most homestuck characters fall under this extremely broad category, as queerness is a huge underlying theme.

a dirk that doesn't immediately go through caliborn's masterpiece learns this the loooong way. cis guy-> trans guy (refuses to acknowledge this during the session but slowly gets it towards the end of 3 year voyage. will NOT say he is trans through his lips though.) and then shit just stagnates there. i think it depends on his environment, but 5+ years (depends on who he surrounds himself with. if its no one, he is COOKED.) is about the time needed to have those same revelations.

and then there's hal........ arq is one of them brightly colored gendersonas. like what swimz said, arq sacrificed her continued existence for her friends. i dont think arquius ever gave her gender a name because of how thoroughly she embodied it by her self love/ the joy she felt for being alive. it was already said by her existing. hal getting a body vs hal getting a body after being arquius r people who understand vastly different amounts of things about themselves.

a hal sans arq brain meld has a silent kind of depressive acceptance about them. yeah i got a body, things feel better, but it feels like there could be more i could be doing for myself right now, however do i really need it? umm sandpaper floor room esque. trying to figure out what to do with herself after getting less than the bare minimum of being a person. would take a bit to realize she can be a girl.

hal post arq brain meld. holy FUCKING shit i can feel like that?? suddenly no longer arquius's confident persona and is kind of freaking out about the various implications. there would be an amount of time where she falls into a depression, however tries to bring herself up back to that point because a part of her who was arquius knows she deserves it. she would over think the gender thing though, ok yes im a girl, BUUUTTT -etc etc-. almost for the same exact reasons why dirk is attached to those bro-isms. she was supposed to. red girl struggle. again, idk the specifics, gay and genderqueer is hella broad.

i do think hal is fem aligned and more confidently can call herself a girl over time, and dirk can finally wear pink without thinking about it and wanting to decapitate himself.

[hierophantmeme]

Masquerading Hearts

Corazón x Reader

Part 1- A Mystery Beneath the Makeup

Read part 2 here | Masterlist

Notes

I started writing this as a bigger piece but I need to figure out some lore first. Some of the snippets I am publishing have been edited to make sense as standalone pieces but there is still a story going on overall.

Once I get everything sorted out, I will post it as one whole piece on AO3 once I figure out how to use it.

Content contains: first-person POV, no y/n, slowburn

Reader is: Short, plus-sized, insecure

Summary: After a distressful day, you seek out your favorite hiding spot only to have it discovered by none other than your bully (and your favorite person to bully), Corazón. However, that may change soon after.

A year had passed since the day I became a member of the Donquixote Pirates. Corazón, my commander, was still as clumsy and mysterious as ever. And as annoying as ever. Even though I wasn’t a child, he kept throwing me around like one, but with the help of Baby 5 & Buffalo, I’d always gotten back at him for it. Doflamingo, my captain, had taken me in because I had nowhere else to go. He also wanted to help me train my devil fruit powers. I had eaten it not knowing what a devil fruit was. I just stole it from some pirates because I was starving. 

When I first met Doffy, I activated my powers in sheer fright, but haven’t been able to do so since. We hadn’t found a breakthrough yet, but he was persistent. He wouldn’t even tell me what its name was cause it would supposedly compromise our location and its abilities could be misused. He was beginning to grow frustrated with me, but felt I still had potential. That’s why he unofficially appointed me as the babysitter, which I didn’t mind. I liked it better than doing the captain’s dirty work, but I still felt like a failure. 

I’m glad that I found a family that didn’t try to get rid of me, but my self-esteem here got way worse. Being surrounded by so many cool people with amazing powers they could improve over time made me feel worthless. I felt like I had to work ten times harder to feel like I’d made any progress. When everyone was asleep or doing their own thing, I would sometimes sneak off and do some of my own training. I couldn’t stop until I had perfected my moves which took months most of the time. 

While I still held a grudge against Cora for treating me like he did, I couldn’t help but admire him. He was the only family member who didn’t have powers and was an uncoordinated mess but he still accomplished his tasks despite that.

Being overweight and short was not ideal, although at least not being as tall gave me some advantages. Even if I would never be able to look intimidating, when we couldn’t take the kids on missions I would be the one to slip through security without anyone noticing. I could also hide behind things a lot easier than the others. Yet, even with all the reassurance from the other members and what I could help with, I still felt like a hindrance to them.

I also couldn’t help but feel connected to him. We would be the only two who would make mistakes during missions. Doffy would scold us, as one would expect, yet Cora always seemed to move on from it. Perhaps it was because he didn’t talk, but it looks like he didn’t let things get to him. I wanted to be like that, too, but I had no idea where to begin. One small mistake I made would replay in my mind for weeks. It was difficult, but whenever I had the chance, I would sneak off and find a place where no one could hear me cry. 

Today would be different, however. Doflamingo hadn’t sent me on any missions and Giolla was taking care of the children today. She noticed how distressed I’d become and suggested that I go on a walk. Immediately, I knew what I set off to my small little cave at the island’s eastern edge. It was hidden by many trees but had a clear view of the ocean. I found this spot about 6 months ago when I was planning to escape, but couldn’t bring myself to do so because I didn’t want to leave the kids. I found the cave, cried it out, then returned to the hideout. I was sure no one else would ever know of its existence. 

I sat down, buried my head in my knees, and all my tears gushed out. I decided to shift my position about five minutes later to a more comfortable one when I was startled by the presence of another human.

“AH!!!” I calmed down when I saw who it was. “My gods, Cora. You scared the shit out of me! And what the hell’re doing here? I thought you went on a mission with the others.”

He takes out his notebook and writes:

“Finished early. Was gonna take a walk then saw u.”

“Is anyone else with you?”

He shakes his head.

“So much for my secret hideout. How long were you standing there?”

“3 minutes” Corazón signs which is rare as no one in the family knew sign language. He would, however, teach us common words and phrases whenever he got the chance.

“Dammit, Cora. You shoulda said something. Now you know how much of a crybaby I am.” I say with a slight chuckle while rubbing my eyes.

He shrugs and mouths out the word “sorry” and then points to the spot next to me.

“You wanna sit here?”

He nods, I invite him in, and he walks over. Before he can sit down, he naturally takes his mandatory tumble. I usually laugh and call him names, but not this time.

“You okay? Ya need help?”

He shakes his head and composes himself. The tall, blond goofball takes a lighter and cigarette out. Before he lights it, he brings it to his lips and mouths out, “Are you okay?”

I shake my head and point to his burning feather coat. I laugh as he tries to put it out with his hand but then winces at how hot it is. He takes it off, sets it on the damp ground, and finally stamps out the flames. I watch intently as he shakes it off and then kneels beside me. The black-feathered coat that should’ve been reduced to ashes by now was gently placed on my shoulders.

Bewildered, I look over at him. He successfully sits down and removes his signature dark red hat. The sunset shines a shred of light into the cave and onto his face. It made his hair look shinier than any piece of gold in a pirate’s treasure chest. With his first cigarette lost to the dark floor of the cave, he reaches into his pockets for another one. The cigarette is carefully placed between his teeth with one hand and then uses the other to bring the flame of his lighter to it. A puff of smoke fills the small space. Usually, I’d be exaggeratingly coughing to let him know how much I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, but the sunshine highlighting his face had me in a trance. The way the colors of the blue face paint and red lipstick extended to his cheek blended together in the presence of the sun’s rays made him look like some kind of painting displayed on the walls of an ultra-classy museum. He was always quite frightening to look at, but at this moment, he looked inviting. 

As expected, he didn’t say a word, but neither did I. We just looked out at the crashing waves in silence. My thoughts were silent, too. No words were exchanged, but we had a mutual understanding. I knew at that instant that I could trust him. My worries disappeared knowing that I probably wasn’t completely alone in how I felt.

We sat there for almost half an hour before he put his hat back on and got up. Corazón took his coat off my back and held out a hand to help me up. He signaled for me to follow him and we headed to the hideout. My thoughts focused on the tall klutz next to me. After almost a year of using me as one of his three human dodgeballs (I’m surprised he didn’t do the same to little Dellinger) and not giving me much attention, why would he perform such a gesture now? Was there more going on in his brain than everyone thought? I think he might just be more mysterious than my devil fruit.

[notesfromthepalace]

Don't Be Jenny from the BLOCK!

No tea no shade to Jen, that's my sister, I LOVE HER!

When I say "don't be Jenny from the block" - what I am referring to is dating someone from your neighborhood, your town, you high school, and if you've glowed up after college, I would say extend that to anyone you've met before the age of 23.

In the words of Joseline Hernandez (I'll explain why I love her in another post), don't be a "$2 hoe".

I repeat, DON'T BE A $2 HOE!

Now, let's get into some things.

You today, in your mid 20s, should be the best version of yourself:

The finest

Prettiest

Skin Glowing

Hair always done

Nails done

Just That Girl, Okay?!

Whether I am being casual or saditty, I am That Girl, ten toes down.

Do you know why I choose to show up as That Girl no matter what?

Because I remember when I was this girl:

Now, to be clear I have had NO cosmetic procedures. I just grew up, slimmed down, filled up in the right spots, figured out what to do with my hair and skin care, etc. There's really nothing wrong with me in the above photo except for how I felt about myself. I thought I was ugly so my confidence was low, and I did not think I was deserving of love or the finer things in life.

Naturally, the guys around me treated me how I felt about myself.

But when I believed that I was all that and a bag of chips, I definitely gave that in my aura and appearance, but I still entertained a childhood love. I don't doubt that he loved me but he treated me as the girl in the green dress and would get annoyed when I demanded better.

But you know what, it's not his fault. He was treating me like the $2 Hoe he meant in the sixth grade - and not because I was actually a $2 hoe, but when I use that term, I mean a person who feels like they are less then.

If he had met me today, he probably would have admired me from a distance because he would've knew he could not provide what I require. But because he met me in another life chilllllle, he thought yesterday's price was today's price, but it wasn't - hints why I finally dumped him.

Every person I met after the age of 23 is completely different from people I met in my adolescent years. This isn't tea or shade to my close girlfriends, but as you get older and your values change, you realize that the conversations you are having in new circles feels more natural because the older conversations are beneath you.

This whole $2 hoe thing applies not only to dating, but your friends and the conversations you entertain as well - it's like a frequency you admit, a low vibrational frequency.

For example: I have friends who still "roster date" - meaning they have a routine/rotation of men that they go out with - which is their prerogative. I am a happily monogamous woman who is on her way to engagement and soon there after, marriage.

mon amour

There are conversations that I don't want to have anymore. I don't want to hear how you feel played by the man you knew was married, or how John and Joe found out about each other, etc.

The conversations now should be about investing, skin care regiments and medical spa recommendations, marriage, children, family, whether to be a stay at home mom or to pursue careers, and how to go about being mothers, wives and financially comfortable, how to support our future husbands: these are the conversations that peak my interest.

I left the block about five years ago. Once in a blue, I go back home to visit family and get my hair done, but I don't make a big deal or announcement about my arrival because I am not trying to invite the rift raft that comes with it.

The block is no longer my Ohana.

I have created my own.

Sometimes leaving home and cutting off old friends and leaving romances from our early years sounds scary, but my dear, you will not regret it.

Now, my girlfriends that I have known for over 10+ years know I'm not talking about them because we all still talk. But is there some distance between some of my old girlfriends and I?

Absolutely.

And that's okay. You're real friends will understand that because we're all growing and changing. It's called evolution.

Evolve

Grow

Be that girl.

And if someone tries to make you feel bad for that, especially a man: unfollow, block, throw away everything that person gave to you, sever the soul tie.

As always ladies,

God is King

Be beautiful.

With love,

Sarah Chanel

[dreamy-jaeger]

I Know The End | Ch. 5

Zombie Apocalypse!Au, Older!Grumpy!Eren x Sunshine!Reader

Content: Reluctant traveling companions to lovers, Slight age gap, found family, eventual smut so Minors - DO NOT INTERACT.

Warnings: 18+,  Suicide mentions, murder, gore.

Chapter Summary: Under a quiet night at the church, Eren and Y/N get to know one another.

Masterlist  

A/N: I feel like this chapter took longer than it should have 😩😩😩 but i’m trying to be more forgiving of myself when it comes to how fast I write. The harshest critic is always yourself, am i right or am i right??? Anyways I hope you enjoy this chapter hehehe there is a lot of tension in this one!!! 

chapter 5

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Dammit.”

Y/N cursed under her breath, her skin stinging as the thin piece of scrap metal dug into her fingertips from the strength in her grip. The makeshift lock-pick caught on the wrong groove, threatening to split in half as she forced it into the keyhole. She slid it free from the confines, bringing it closer to her eyes to guarantee the functionality of the little tool. It didn’t look too bent out of shape. Maybe if she tried again…

“What are you doing?”

Y/N’s heart leapt out of her throat, her body lurching forward as the unexpected voice took her by surprise. The tools she was using scattered across the floor, clanking against the wood. Her hand was pressed firmly to her chest almost as if the pressure would force her beating heart back into place. She turned to find Gabby standing over her shoulder, her brown eyes wide with curiosity— the gleam of it glinting in the candlelight that they had conjured once the sun dipped below the horizon.

“You scared the shit out of me.” Y/N breathed, a few soft chuckles tumbling out from her lips in relief. Gabby grimaced when she took in the sight of the startled woman.

“Sorry.” She replied, somewhat abashedly, paired with a shy grin. But that particular demeanor was lost within seconds as interest took control of the young girl again. Her eyes flickering towards the tools that fell from the woman's hands. “But, what are you doing?”

“I’m trying to pick this lock.” Y/N answered, turning her attention back towards the locked door that resided in the back of the church. For emphasis, she tested the golden doorknob, for the hundredth time that evening.

Unsurprisingly, there was no give.

Earlier— when asked about it, Eren had told them that it was locked, contents forever unknown. But curiosity got the better of Y/N, and since she had the skill set, she figured it couldn’t hurt to try. So now here she was, sitting in front of the door, her fingers almost bleeding from the many attempts to get the damn thing open. Maybe her skills weren’t as finely tuned as they once were.

And of course, she waited to make her attempts until Eren had posted himself outside for first watch. She didn’t need to hear his reprimands… Or his ridicule as she failed over and over.

“Cool!” Gabby admired, dropping to her knees beside her. “Can you show me how to do it?”

Y/N narrowed her eyes in feigned suspicion, a sly smile curling the corners of her lips. “Why? You’re not thinking of committing any crimes, are you?”

“Oh, and what are you gonna do?” Gabby retorted, “Call the cops on me?”

“Touché.” Y/N grinned, earning a smile back from the teenager, who watched excitedly as she regathered the fallen tools.

She did her best to describe the process with as much coherency as she could muster, trying hard to recall the directions that were told to her so many years ago. Gabby was hanging on to every word, nodding along and listening carefully so as to not miss anything. The teenagers' rapt attention brought on a sense of conviction to Y/N. Confidence was key, and she felt as though she definitely sounded like she knew what she was talking about. But as her hands tried to enact the words she was saying, all was lost.

Again and again the pick would slip out of her hands, or there would be a misclick sounding out from the contraption residing in the door. There were times when the thin metal would tremor suspiciously, on the edge of breaking under Y/N’s ministrations. Countless times, the woman had to stop herself from breaking down in frustration, desperate to keep her cool in front of the younger girl. And finally, after about an hour of trying (and failing), Gabby thankfully had the good sense to put Y/N out of her embarrassing misery.

“I think I’m gonna call it a night.” She yawned, stretching her arms above her head. Y/N wasn’t completely sure if the movements were honest or not. The girl could very well be acting in efforts to let the woman keep her dignity, but she was grateful either way.

“I’ll be sleeping in the confessional booth.” She added, unfolding her legs from underneath her. She stood, wiping away the nonexistent dirt from her jeans. Y/N rubbed a hand over her forehead, as this gave her the time to appreciate how tired she was as well. She nodded her head sluggishly.

“Alright.” She murmured, and then glanced back at her dog, who sat rigidly on the pews behind them.

“Would you take Ellie with you?” Y/N asked, before Gabby completely disappeared behind the other door. “I think she’d be more comfortable with you.”

Gabby nodded, calling the dog's name. Ellie’s tail started thumping against the bench at the sound of her voice, her ears perking up. With more soft coaxing from the teenager, the dog bounded from her previous spot, and within seconds the two of them were now lost behind the mahogany door that softly closed shut.

Now that Y/N was granted a moment to herself, a deep sigh escaped her form as her head fell into her hands. She whined softly against her palms, allowing some of the stress and frustration to manifest vocally as the sound of it wavered into the air. She stayed in that position for a few minutes, before dropping her palms in her lap.

The tools sat on the floor in front of her, looking as though they were mocking her. Or maybe that was her own derision that flooded her brain, and she was projecting. She shook her head, running one more tired hand across her features before sitting up straight, ignoring the ache pulsing in her lower back.

One more try. She would give it one more try and if she couldn’t unlock it she would give up forever. The tools were back in her hands, her eyebrows furrowed in determination, tongue sticking out from between her lips in concentration. She was going to get it open.

She finally did after her seventh try.

Even though she broke the promise to herself to quit while she was ahead, elation filled her chest when she heard the resounding click of the lock coming undone. Newly energized, she scrambled up to her feet, pulling gently at the door. She held back the excited squeal that threatened to escape her lips when it creaked open, enthusiastically taking the first step over the threshold.

Her smile fell flat when her eyes adjusted to the dark of the room. It was a good thing that the teenager had gone to bed. Or else she would’ve seen the sight that sat before her now.

The priest hung limply from the rafters by a rotting noose. Recognized as such since he was still adorned in his cassock. His body was illuminated by the candlelight spilling in from the main room of the church. She caught sight of how his gray-skinned, decaying neck was snapped at an unnatural angle. His eyes were milky white, teeth a rotting brown. He hissed feebly when the girl bursted into the room, stirring him from his state of near immobility. She must have been his first sign of food in years.

Her movements were quick, as she left to get her crossbow. The moment she returned, the priest was officially put out of his misery as an arrow lodged itself into his forehead. The last bit of life he had left faded from existence. Y/N tried to tell herself that the man would be grateful to be free from the grips of reanimation.

Everything went silent, the previous groans from the priest now lost to the world. Y/N finally allowed herself to observe the rest of the room.

A hopper window high on the wall was cranked open, a ladder toppled over beneath it. A pang in Y/N’s heart made her realize he must’ve opened the window as a precaution to the smell of death that was left behind, faded by the many breezes that swirled around this room as the years passed. Maybe the man knew that one day he would be found. As Y/N moved deeper into the room, a letter on the desk proved that hypothesis correct.

It was addressed to someone named Rose. He was expecting someone specific to find him. Maybe she was the only one left with a key to this room. A key that was never used. A sloppy illmade lock-pick taking its place. Just as Y/N took the place that rightfully belonged to Rose.

After staring at the name scrawled messily across the envelope, she decided to leave the letter be, it seemed too personal for her to just read without permission. Even if the only one who could grant that permission was hanging dead above her. There would be a lack of protest if she decided to read it, but it felt all too disrespectful. She moved on.

There wasn’t much left to be seen in the room. It was your typical office. Walls lined with shelves that were home to old faded books and forgotten files. There were no personalized trinkets, no food or supplies saved for the purpose of survival. Just a simple office, holding a man who decided he wouldn’t make it in this new world thrust upon him— even with his faith. And now he was gone.

The only thing interesting in his office wasn't noticed until Y/N had turned to leave. Sat by the door was an old wooden crate. A lone bottle of wine sat unimposing amongst crumpled newspaper.

Eren’s P.O.V.

The church sat quietly amidst the dense forest. The only sound was the gentle rustling of leaves, as a surprisingly warm evening breeze swept through the area. Eren sat on the decaying front steps of the church, his eyes fixed on the darkness ahead.

The night sky was clear, the moon hung low, casting a pale glow over the trees, illuminating the old faded pathway that led to the church. He took in a deep breath, dragging in the scent of an oncoming summer. The smell of which brought on an overwhelming sense of nostalgia, and he couldn’t help but reminisce on simpler times.

He thought of his childhood. His parents. His old friends. All of them were lost to him. Even the memories left of them were so faded that he was certain he made them up. It had been a long time since he let his mind go there. He didn’t want to think of a world when things were inherently better, or the envy for his past self would leave him resentful… well, more so than he already was.

He glanced down at his hands, calloused from the years he had survived in this unforgiving world. He had caused so much pain with these hands. The violence he inflicted came easy to him when he set aside his morals. And soon after the apocalypse started, it was far easier to think of himself as the ruthless man he had become rather than the bright-eyed boy he once was.

The next question that flitted across his mind was if he could be anything different.

Before he could even begin to wonder about the answer to that question, a large creak sounded out into the night, intermingling with the song chirped by the crickets. A pool of orange light spilled out onto the steps where Eren was sitting, produced by the candlelight inside. He looked up to the source of the interruption to find Y/N, stepping out from behind the church doors.

She had his back to him, as she carefully shifted the door back in place, trying not to make any sound that could disturb any attempts of sleep. The light from inside now being lost to them once she completed the task.

“Gabby decided to sleep in the confessional booth.” Y/N spoke, once she turned away from the door. Eren nodded, turning his head back to the forest beyond.

“I had her take Ellie, too.” She added, as she sat down next to him. Due to the limited amount of space that the steps provided, her knee knocked against his own. Heat bloomed from the point of contact and spread over his skin that remained even when she pulled away.

“That’s good.” Eren replied, “She could use the extra security.”

Y/N snorted at his words, “Ellie’s not really the security dog type. If anything Gabby’s the one watching over her.”

“Doesn’t seem like it to me.” Eren responded, his eyebrow raised. The things he’s seen that dog do made him question if he really understood animals at all. The training of course was all credited to the woman who sat beside him now,

“Are you kidding?” Y/N laughed softly, “That dog’s a scaredy cat. You saw how she was today.”

Eren thought back to the events that transpired and how Ellie had acted when Gabby was held captive by their unexpected visitor. “I was wondering why she reacted like that. What happened?”

Y/N sighed, leaning up against the railing behind her. She looked out into the beyond, just like Eren was doing before she joined him. “She’s a rescue. She doesn’t really do well around strangers. Especially when they’re aggressive like that.”

Eren nodded, joining her in looking out into the darkness. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t want to dig for information that Y/N wanted to keep hidden. Though she continued on, despite the lack of prying from the man.

“When she was a puppy she was the runt of the litter.” She said, her tone soft, picking the words carefully as she recounted the past of her dog. “Guy who owned her? Well, he wasn’t exactly the best. Abused her every chance he got. I’m sure the other dogs got some of it as well but… she suffered the brunt of it. So she has a hard time trusting humans.”

Eren turned to look at her, but she was still faced away from him. He watched as she swallowed thickly, her eyes shining under the light of the moon.

“Then she was a foster dog.” Y/N explained, “I don’t know how they got her out of that situation but they did. And then my family found her on one of those adoption websites…”

“And now it’s just you and her.” Eren finished for her. This time Y/N finally looked back at him. She granted him a sad smile, nodding her head.

“The outbreak happened when I was traveling back from college for the summer.” She told him. “By the time I made it home my family was dead and she was hiding out in the basement. She was so scared, shaking like a leaf… It’s just been us ever since.”

Eren stayed silent, his eyes trained on the woman sitting beside him. The tears that were threatening over the edge of her waterline were now carving trails over her skin. He wondered how she allowed herself to be so vulnerable. How was it so easy for her to be open-hearted, the way she was? And why couldn’t Eren bring himself to do the same? He wanted to acknowledge her pain, to relate to it with his own stories of where he was when all of this started. But the words were lost on his tongue.

A sniffle rang out into the night as Y/N brought the sleeve of her hoodie up to her soaking cheeks. She laughed, bashfully, as if he had caught her in the act of something improper.

“Jeeze, I’m sorry.” She relented, glancing over at him quickly, “I didn’t want to burden you with my sad backstory. That’s not the reason I came out here. ”

Eren wanted to open his mouth and tell her that she was wrong. That she could keep talking and that it wouldn’t be a burden to him. But yet again, his tongue was immobile and the comfort that he wanted to offer was lost to his social awkwardness. Instead all he could offer as a response was another question.

“Why’d you come out here, then?” Luckily his tone was not as harsh as he thought it might be as he paired it with a soft, somewhat teasing smile.

“I wanted to see if you’d fancy a drink.” She responded, her own smile coming back in full force as she pulled something out from under the crook of her arm. As his eyes readjusted to the moonlight, Eren registered a dusty bottle of wine that Y/N held in her hands.

“It’s the communion wine.” Y/N answered the question that was scrawled across his features. “I found it in that back room.”

“I thought it was locked?” Eren asked, reaching out for the bottle, hoping for a closer examination. She handed it to him with no complaint.

“I can be quite crafty.” Was all she said, earning a low chuckle from the man as he observed the label. A cabernet sauvignon. Not bad for a little chapel out in the middle of the woods.

“So… what do you reckon?” The girl smiled, her eyes sparking with mischief that was sure to be dangerous for Eren. He just looked at her, not bestowing her with the reassurance of his words but instead reached into the back pocket of his jeans. Her grin grew brighter at the sight of his silver knife as it glinted in the moonlight. The cork was soft under the sharp point of the blade and it came out with ease.

“Ladies first.” He said, handing the now opened bottle to the woman. The aroma of the rich wine swirled into the air between them. Her fingers grazed against his hand as she grabbed it. He resisted the urge to rub at the spot she touched.

“Why, thank you.” She chuckled, bringing it to her lips. Her nose scrunched as she registered the bitter taste on her tongue. She shook her head slightly almost as if she was rejecting the alcohol’s flavor but persisted as she swallowed it down.

“Whatever takes the edge off.” She said breathlessly when she caught the look of amusement on Eren’s face. He chuckled softly as he took the bottle from her now outstretched hand, bringing it up towards his own lips. The deep red liquid burned down his throat, but it ended in a pool of warmth in the pit of his stomach, the buzz of alcohol already taking into effect.

“Can I ask a question?” Eren suddenly said, passing the wine back to her.

“Mhm.” Y/N replied, the sound of it echoing into the bottle as she took another sip.

“You said Ellie doesn’t like strangers.” He started, shifting his body so his back was now against the railing, mirroring Y/N’s position. They now sat facing each other, their features illuminated by the moon. He continued, “But she was fine with me and Gabby.”

“I think there was an advantage since we were the one’s barging in on you.” She replied, sheepishly, shrugging her shoulders. “Plus, I told you, she’s a good judge of character.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Eren said, before he could think to stop himself. His eyes were trained to his lap.

“You don’t think you’re a good person?” Y/N asked, he glanced up to find her brows furrowed in what looked to be confusion.

“I haven’t done much to be proud of.” He answered simply. Y/N pursed her lips, the deeper meaning of his words hanging low above their heads. She held him under her gaze, irises flicking over his features as she considered what he just said.

“We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Eren.” She said, breaking the silence that slowly started to form between them “There’s no getting past it if you want to survive.”

“Yeah but—”

“I murdered someone today.” She interrupted him. Eren’s mouth promptly shut, his mind going back to the man they encountered. One minute living, and in the next… There was a pause as she took another sip. Their fingers grazed again when she handed it back to him.

“It’s funny…” Y/N murmured, toying with a loose thread fraying from the sleeve of her hoodie. “That something like that comes so easy to me now, when eight years ago I could hardly even stomach seeing my own blood.”

“... I know what you mean.” Eren nodded, his thumb trailing against the open rim of the wine bottle.

“I remember every single one.” She practically whispered, “Do you?”

“Yeah.” Eren replied, his voice strained as he recalled the look in their eyes mere seconds before death, how red their blood was stained on his clothes and skin. He brought the wine up to his lips to try to force those images away.

“We have good reasons to ki— to do that.” Y/N continued. “Or at least we tell ourselves that. But it still haunts me every fucking second I’m alive.”

“Me too.” Eren responded, the taste of wine thick in his throat. Y/N offered him a melancholic smile at his admittance.

“I think that’s what differs between the good and the bad.” She said, “When you carry it— or actually— them with you.”

Eren moved back into his previous position, keeping his eyes trained on his boots, the actions of his past taunting him in the stiffness of his form. Of course, he remembered every single time he had to kill someone. But did he remember who they were? What they looked like? He sure as hell didn’t know their names. He never wanted to know their names or what they were like. He would kill them and move on because that’s what he told himself to do. Shame in the form of blinding white heat licked up the skin of his cheeks. Y/N’s integrity made him feel somewhat small.

“I’m… not a good person.” Eren muttered, surprised he had the guts to say it out loud.

“But you’re not a bad person, either.” Y/N replied, as if she were sure of it. “And if I can be honest… I think that makes you human.”

Eren glanced sideways to find Y/N’s warm gaze trained on him. It soothed away any form of diffidence that was threatening to worm into Eren’s brain. Even replacing it with an unfamiliar feeling of consolation as an involuntary half smile crept onto his features. Or maybe it was the wine that was now invading his bloodstream. He narrowed his eyes at her, playfully.

“I thought you said your dog could tell when someone’s a good person or not?” He teased, handing the bottle back to her. She smirked at him as she took it.

“Hey, I said she was a good judge of character. That doesn’t make you Jesus Christ.” She replied before taking another swig of wine.

“Are you using the lord’s name in vain? At church?” Eren mocked, feigning offense. Y/N threw her head back, her soft tinkling laughter swirling into the air and settling into Eren’s bones. His own grin now stretched across his lips. The harrowed tension from just moments ago melting away with surprising ease.

“I can’t believe you know how to make a joke.” Y/N quipped, once her laughter died down into subdued giggles, passing the wine back to Eren.

“I take offense to that.” Eren retorted, but the smile was still fully present on his face. “I’m not a monster, you know? I’m still capable of making jokes.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” She replied, shifting her body to sit upright next to him, nudging her shoulder against his own. His body rocked back and forth with the movement, exhaling air out of his nose in a form of silent laughter. “I think I like this side of you.”

“I think I like you seeing this side of me.” Eren countered, the words falling off of his tongue before he could stop himself. He felt as Y/N stilled beside him. He was almost too afraid to look, but his teal gaze flickered up towards her face to find her staring, wide eyed, back at him. His heart stuttered at the sight of her parted lips, her chest heaving slowly with her deepened breaths. Silence fell between them once more as they held each other’s stare.

And then, she sucked in a breath. “I should get you drunk more often. You’re nicer this way.”

Eren chuckled, shaking his head as he took another sip. “It’ll take more than a few sips of wine to get me drunk.”

“So, what? You’re being nice on a technicality?” She questioned, swiping the alcohol back from Eren. This time it was his turn to nudge her with his shoulder.

“Something like that.” He smirked as he watched her. Y/N averted her eyes from his stare, tilting her head back to take another sip. She smacked her lips against the taste, pulling Eren’s gaze towards her mouth, her supple lips darkened by the wine.

“Since you’re being so agreeable…” The woman started, making Eren realize exactly what he was staring at, he forced himself to look away, back into the shadows. “Might as well get to know each other a little better.”

“What do you have in mind?” Eren asked.

“I don’t know, we could play Truth or Truth?” She offered, Eren raised a brow at her words.

“I thought it was Truth or Dare?” He questioned.

“Yeah, but no one really wants to do a dare.” Y/N retorted. “This way we can just ask questions back and forth.”

“And if I don’t want to answer?” Eren asked, inquisitively. She just replied with a sneaky smile, holding up the wine as a response. A soft ‘ah’ escaped Eren’s lips, followed by more soft laughter.

It felt strange to Eren— to be able to laugh like this. To feel like this. From the outside looking in, they must’ve looked… normal. A man and a woman, getting to know each other over a drink. No one could have guessed the unimaginable horrors they had to commit to be able to be sitting there now. Just a mere few days ago, Eren would not believe it for a second if you had told him this is where he would be. And now that he was here, he decided not to question it.

“Okay, then.” Eren breathed, straightening his back and rubbing his palms against the rough fabric of his jeans. “You go first.”

“Okay.” Y/N parroted the first word, her smile flashing with excitement, “Truth or Truth?”

Eren rolled his eyes but ultimately decided to humor her anyway. “Truth.”

“What is your… favorite color?” She asked, leaning her forearms against her thighs, tilting her head to keep her eyes on Eren.

“That’s pretty tame.” Eren noted, earning an eye roll back from the woman.

“Duh.” She replied, “I’m not gonna just dive into the deep stuff first. We have to work our way to that.”

“Uh-oh, the deep stuff?” Eren repeated, “That’s what we’re doing here?”

“Thus the basis of the game we’re playing.” She teased, the wine sloshing in the bottle as she emphasized her words with her hands. “That’s what getting to know one another entails.”

“Right, I should’ve known.” He said, a soft smile dancing on his lips, “Um, my favorite color…”

There was a pause at that. When was the last time he had thought about something as trivial as what color he liked most? His mind was coming up with a blank.

“I don’t have one.” He answered honestly with a shrug of his shoulders. The woman gaped at him.

“You don’t have a favorite color?” She questioned, her eyes wide with offense as if his answer was truly despicable.

“Nothing comes to mind.” He told her, unthinkingly grabbing the wine from Y/N’s hands. He took another sip.

“That’s just sad.” Y/N responded, clicking her tongue as she watched him. Eren ignored her rebuke, retorting back with a question of his own, despite the rules of the made up game.

“What’s yours?”

The woman paused, stopping to think, and then she narrowed her eyes at him. “I feel as though that’s unfair.”

Eren laughed, the deep sound of it rumbling through his chest. “How so?”

“If I don’t get to know your favorite color, you don’t get to know mine.” She said simply, turning her nose up away from him in feigned condescension. And then promptly after that, she stole the alcohol back, her movements swift.

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Eren argued, throwing his hands up in exasperation, once they were free. “I don’t even know mine, how am I supposed to offer an even trade?”

Eren watched as she took a swig of the stolen alcohol, a mischievous glint in her eye. "Well, maybe you should figure out your favorite color then," she taunted him with a playful smirk. “As for mine, it’s a secret�� for now.”

His lips curled into a matching smirk of his own at her teasing. He shook his head, leaning back, stretching his long legs out on the stairs in front of him. The alcohol was bringing him down to a relaxed state— yet another foreign concept for him.

“We must be pretty bad at this game if we can’t even get through the surface level questions.” Eren noted.

“Maybe we should’ve skipped to the deep stuff.” Y/N agreed, leaning against one hand, palm pressed into the wood beneath them, her body inclined towards his at the change in position. Her knee was now resting against his upper thigh. This time, she didn’t pull away. Eren wondered if the contact between their bodies meant anything to her, or if it was all just insignificant. Perhaps it was, if she could lean into him so effortlessly, without a second thought. He swallowed, his eyes trained on the point of contact.

“Might as well give it a shot.” Eren suggested, inhibitions now completely out the window. Was it the alcohol that had his tongue moving so freely? Or the woman beside him.

“Alright then.” She grinned, setting the bottle down on the porch with a soft thunk. As the sound faded into the night, it was replaced by a comfortable quiet as Y/N took the time to think of her next question. Eren shifted his leg, it pressed deeper against her knee, almost to the point where it was resting on top of his thigh. She still didn’t remove herself from him. Eren took this as a silent acceptance to this strange new concept added to their still-forming relationship. He allowed himself to relish in her warmth.

“Have you ever been in love?” She said, breaking the silence. A juvenile question compared to the much harsher subjects they had already stumbled upon during their time out on the porch— But a question that had Eren freeze, his stomach churning with apprehension. He sat up straight, losing Y/N’s warmth as he braced his hands on the step beneath him.

“Yes… No— I don’t know.” He stumbled through the words. Y/N’s question had taken him off-guard, his fumbling actions doing the same to her. She stared at him with furrowed brows as she sat up beside him. A hand, smaller than his own, rested on his shoulder. He tensed under her touch, not used to the comforting gesture. Though unfortunately, his knee-jerk reaction caused her to pull her hand away.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” She offered, smiling gently, her hand now searching for something behind them, and then a lifeboat was revealed in the form of a bottle of wine.

“Remember the rules of the game?”

Eren shot her a grateful look, slipping the bottle from her fingers as he took a long pull from the bottle. When he finally came up for air, he brought a thumb to his lips, wiping away an excess left behind by the wine.

He looked to find Y/N staring at the spot his thumb just was.

“I, um…” He spoke out loud, the sound of his voice pulling Y/N out from whatever deep thought she was in. Their eyes met. He shook his head, trying to find the right words. He decided to start his sentence over.

“It’s not like I don’t want to tell you about it.” He murmured. “It’s just…”

“Complicated?” She gave him the word, offered with an understanding smile. He nodded in agreement.

“I know how you feel.” Y/N told him. He swallowed, his tongue forming around a question that had been on his mind for a while now.

“Does this have to do with that friend of yours?” Eren had no idea where he found the bravery to ask such a thing. If she got offended by his new found intrusiveness, he would just blame it on the burn of alcohol that sat deep in his belly, made more obvious with each sip he took. Maybe he should stop. He set the bottle down.

“Which friend?” Y/N asked. He wasn’t sure if she was acting obtuse on purpose or if she knew what she was doing, trying to evade who Eren was bringing up.

“Jean.” The name flowed freely out of his throat. It was only mentioned once, but it had been flitting through his brain every time he thought of Y/N in a way he wasn’t supposed to. Which was more often than he’d like to admit. The memory of her bare skin in the moonlight would soon be chased down with guilt, along with the mystery man whose name made her face look like that.

Her lips were parted, eyes wide and shimmering, her eyebrows furrowed with… worry? She shook her head, eyes pointing down towards her shoes.

“No… He wasn’t— It wasn’t like that with him.” She explained, somewhat awkwardly. “I mean, we traveled together for a few years and we acted on it once.”

Eren’s heart lodged itself in his throat. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear this.

“We’re only human, you know? And humans have urges, so one thing led to another and…”

She paused. Eren’s breathing was heavy.

“... And?” He must have been a masochist.

“It was like sleeping with my brother.” She grimaced at the memory, body shuddering, her words sounding resolute when she added, “We vowed to never try anything like that again.”

Eren nodded, feeling a strange mix of relief and annoyance prickling his skin. He tried to shake it away.

“So he wasn’t the one?” He tried to joke, but the words almost caused him to choke. Luckily, the woman beside him took it as intended. A single soft laugh protruded from her lips as she shook her head.

“No. Definitely not.” She replied, her hands now tucked between her thighs.

“Besides… I doubt I’ll ever have a chance at love. Seems foolish to bet on… especially now.” Y/N finished. Somehow these words were the ones that bothered Eren the most. He glanced over at her to find her staring wistfully into the forest stretching out in front of them.

“Not even if you’re the last two people left on earth?”

Her eyes snapped to meet his gaze, somehow sparking through the dark of the night. That same look from before flashed across her features, but this time it was because of him. Pride hung low deep in his chest.

“What do you mean by that?” She breathed, eyebrows furrowed, shimmering eyes flicking over his features to find the answer.

Eren shrugged, unconsciously leaning towards her. “Just that… maybe you shouldn’t count yourself out.”

“I never pegged you as an optimist.” She joked, but her words were still breathless. Eren’s eyes flickered down to her lips as it tilted into a half smile.

“I’m not.” Eren agreed, taking in his own deep breath. The mint of her conditioner invaded his senses once again. Was she getting closer? “But perhaps our luck has changed.”

“Our luck?—” She questioned, tilting her head slightly to the side in curiosity.

“—Your, I meant your luck.” He chuckled airily. His breath fanned over the skin of her cheeks. The only reason he knew this was because it had bounced back onto his own. Their noses were centimeters apart.

“Right.” Y/N grinned, a teasing lilt to her tone. Eren couldn’t help but smile back at her. Though hers was soon lost within a small gasp, when his nose finally brushed against her own. The touch was soft, Eren almost thought he had imagined it, but the thought was soon disproven when he registered the way her breath hitched.

“Eren.” She whispered, but it almost sounded like a beg. Heat surged through Eren’s body from his name on her lips. Lips that were so close to touching his own, if he moved just a millimeter forward…

A loud, resounding creak rang out into the quiet night from behind them, causing the two of them to jump apart. They both whipped to where the sound had come from to find nothing but the closed front door of the church. It must have been the building settling in on its foundation. And though it had turned out to be nothing, it had still broken the spell.

Y/N was on her feet.

“It’s getting late.” She said suddenly, her hand scratching at the back of her head. “I should probably get to bed.”

Eren stood as well.

“Oh, um, yeah.” He replied. “Me too.”

“You’re not gonna stay up and take watch?” He could tell she was trying to tease him, but it fell flat as she stared at him with eyes filled with what seemed to be regret. His stomach dropped.

“‘No… Not tonight.” Eren said, shifting his weight between his feet. “I think I had too much to drink.”

It was a lie. They both knew it. But it was also the perfect excuse.

“Right. Yeah. Same.” She flitted through the words as realization dawned on her of what he was trying to do. Looks like she was jumping at the chance of an easy out.

They stared at each other for a little bit longer, as if they were both waiting for the other to take it back. But no one did. And then the church creaked again, pulling them out of whatever trance they were in.

No other words were exchanged that night as they shuffled back inside and settled down for the night.

The wood of the pew that Eren chose as his bed that night was stiff against his back. His eyes were wide open, staring up at the highrise ceilings, eyeline following the pattern of the rafters. Regrets and desires played in a taunting game of tug-of-war within the confines of his mind. Eren didn’t know how he was going to get any sleep that night.

Though eventually he did, and he didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep until his current dream was interrupted. It was a nice dream too, one where everything went right. But it all faded away once he heard the sound of shuffling footsteps, and then frantic whispering, and then finally the click of a revolver pistol. The barrel pressing harshly into the center of his forehead.

“So, you’re the motherfucker who killed Colt.”

~~~

A/N: My favorite thing ever about zombie content, is that it is the perfect medium to showcase the butterfly effect. So the next chapter will be about the consequence of killing that (not-so) rando guy from last chapter!!! I really hope you enjoyed what you read!! please feel free to message me about whatever you like!! ILYSM!!! (omg also edit to the authors note: did y’all notice my hunger games reference hehehehhe)

Taglist: @large-juice @dududubebo @jaegersdiary @tojis-discord-kitten @amityblu @givemeasec @conniesbbymama​ @prblmtic​ @comfypigeon @intimacywithceline @erensnumbaonegirl 

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

[nataliasquote]

Honesty teaser | n romanoff | wattpad book

Ok hello :) I know this goes against posting on Tumblr, seeing as it won’t be updated on here, but I really need to kick myself back into writing, so what better way than to promote my book on here so that I have more of an incentive if more people know about it! For now it’s Wattpad only whilst I figure out how AO3 works (idk if I even have an account) but I will try to get it up on there too. But… until then… here is the first chapter of ‘Honesty’.

College!AU | Enemies to lovers

Natasha Romanoff x O!C

O!C: Kaiiarina Lenkova (Kaia/ Ky). Sister to JB Lenkov (James Buchanan aka Bucky)

Current available chapters: 9

The classic ringing of an incoming facetime call sounded through the speakers of a MacBook, which made a rather exhausted 18 year old leap up from her sprawled out place on her bed. She threw herself onto her spinning desk chair, which spun a bit too far, meaning she had to grab the edge of her desk and haul herself back around before she fell off.

She lifted the lid and quickly typed in her password as an excited face filled the screen, their voice far too loud as the volume had been left turned all the way up from last night's dance session. Dark curly hair swung against her back as the girl winced at her friend's squeal.

"Have you looked?" The blonde girl screeched, far too close to the camera to create a flattering angle.

"Lena, it's 8am. It's a miracle I'm awake at this point." Kaiiarina groaned before she was cut off by a yawn, which only emphasised her point. She'd been awake since 7, knowing that today was one of the most important days of her life. Every possibility and outcome of her future was shuffled through her head as she tried to grasp any ounce of sleep that made itself available to her. But instead of blissful dreams, she was faced with pits of anxiety that made her dream feel like her worst nightmare.

"We promised we'd open them together, so hurry up!" Yelena was horrendously impatient, which was a huge contrast to Kaia's more laid back approach in life. But they'd planned this day since they were 11 years old, having been inseparable since they were 6.

Their first day of ballet class. Yelena was only there because Melina wanted her to follow in Natasha's footsteps; the golden child. But, naturally, the blonde wanted to be anywhere else, so she was stubborn in not moving from her spot on the bench. Her hair was pulled up into what could have been a neat bun, but she had wriggled so much that her baby hairs were everywhere.

Kaia, on the other hand, couldn't have been more different. Her uniform was pristine, tiny feet slipped into perfectly tied ballet shoes. Her almost black hair was pulled into a braided bun, secured perfectly on the top of her head, not a single hair out of place. She sat on the bench with her back straight, her hands folded in her lap. She looked alert, attentive; her blue eyes wide as she took in every person who walked past. She looked in wonder at the older girls who walked past, admiring their pointe shoes with lust. She was going to be like them one day.

Their teacher called everyone into the studio as a group, knowing a lot of the children would be nervous. Kaia walked in with her head held high; this was where she was meant to be. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw Yelena putting up a fight with her mother, who was trying to coax her defiant 6 year old from the bench.

What spurred her to do this was a complete mystery, but Kaia found herself wandering over to Yelena and extending out her hand.

"I'm Kaia." Was simply all she said. Yelena stopped squirming, peering up at the girl with her big green eyes. She looked at her mother briefly, who just smiled.

"Yelena."

"You know that class is about to start, right?" Kaia stated, confused as to why the girl wasn't in the studio like everyone else.

"Yes. But I'm not going." The young Russian was stubborn and folded her arms over her chest, pouting slightly.

"Ballet isn't sissy, you know. It's strong. You don't see the 'tough' boys doing it, do you?" Yelena shook her head, slightly confused at her point. Kaia leaned towards Lena and whispered in her ear. "It's because they can't handle it. They're not strong like we are."

Yelena smiled at the thought of being stronger than the boys in her class. She was fiercely competitive and she revelled in the idea of being better at something than someone else. Kaia's hand was still outstretched and so the blonde Russian took it gladly, their tiny hands clasping tightly together.

Melina watched the girls disappear into the glossy studio, a proud smile on her face. Those girls were going to be best friends, she just knew it.

And she was exactly right. Kaia transferred to Yelena's school in 2nd grade, and they became inseparable. Even the teachers knew they wouldn't be able to find one without the other 2 steps behind. And when one of them were sick and off school... it was like the one left behind was missing a limb.

When they transferred to middle school together, they made a pact. The girls would go to the same high school and the same college.

And that day had finally come. Acceptance letters were being sent out and the girls had applied to the same university. Which was what prompted Yelena's early morning facetime call.

Kaia scrolled through her emails, her heart pounding out of her chest. This was what they'd worked towards for 4 years. Their extra-curricular activities, sports, dance, languages... everything leading up to this moment.

"Oh fuck." Kaia muttered, seeing the email appear in her inbox. "I've got it."

On the other side of the screen, Yelena had her email open too, the link tempting her mouse, but also making her hesitate. What if their plan didn't work out?

"Wait." Yelena rushed, making Kaia freeze. "Whatever happens, we stay best friends, right?"

"I can't believe you just asked me that question Belova." Kaia scoffed, slightly offended as she adjusted the neck of her hoodie.

"I just had to be sure. Okay," Yelena let out a big breath. "It's now or never."

There was silence on both ends of the call as they waited for the link to load up. Time seemed to slow down, seconds turning into minutes as the loading circle span round and round. Yelena had picked up a hair tie and was spinning it around her finger as Kaia chewed on the edge of her thumb.

But the circle stopped spinning. The girls stopped fidgeting. They both held their breath as a message appeared on their screens.

Pale Oak University is delighted to offer you a place on your chosen course. We hope that you accept our offer and will join us in August on campus. Please click 'confirm choice' at the bottom of the page to secure your place.

But neither of them said anything. They tried to read each other's expressions as they looked back at the camera, but they were so scared of not going to the same college that neither wanted to burst the bubble.

But Kaia couldn't help let a small smile slip, which prompted Yelena to do the same.

"Did you-"

"Are you-"

Both girls started to speak at the same time but paused for the other continue. Kaia just nodded at Yelena's question, not trusting her voice to be strong enough to speak.

"Oh my god, me too." Lena's voice came out as nothing more than a hushed whisper, her hands flying to her mouth as tears welled in her eyes.

"Lena." Kaia croaked out, a tear slipping down her cheek. "We did it." She laughed lightly, which blended into a choked sob.

"We really did it."

"We fucking did it!" Kaia leaped out of her chair, spinning around like an excited puppy. "Mama! Dad! We did it! I got in!" Although she was still on facetime, Kaia sprinted downstairs to find her parents, screaming her results to them.

On the other side of the screen, Yelena did the same thing, racing into the kitchen where her parents and sister were sat.

"I got in!" She announced as she skidded to a halt in her fluffy socks, grabbing onto the back of a chair so she didn't slip. "I'm going to Pale Oak!"

Melina and Alexei scooped their youngest into a huge group hug as they cheered, leaving Natasha sitting alone at the table. She would have joined in, if it wasn't for the news that her little sister was going to be at the same university that she was currently at.

"Natasha, come and congratulate your sister. You know out of everyone just how hard the entry process is." Melina said, giving her 20 year old daughter a stern look as she rolled her eyes.

"Nice job Yelly." Nat said, ruffling her sister's hair, purposely messing it up even further. "Just don't bother me okay? I don't want you hanging onto me all the time. It's annoying."

"Natasha be nice." Alexei said disapprovingly. "Your sister is blessing to us all. We are so so proud." He pulled Yelena into his side, which she did not appreciate as she pushed him away with a disgusted look.

"Don't worry Nat. I've got Kaia. We're gonna be just fine."

Nat's head whipped round and she stared at her sister with a raised brow. "Wait... Kaia's going?"

"Duh. She's my best friend." Yelena rolled her eyes, not believing her sister's comment.

Nat shrugged, turning back to her phone. "Wow. Didn't know she had what it took." She mumbled under her breath for only Yelena to hear.

Rage flooded the blonde's cheeks and she clenched her fists at her side. "You're a bitch." she spat through gritted teeth, before marching up the stairs and slamming her door shut, slumping onto her chair in front of her laptop where Kaia was waiting.

"I'm guessing Nat didn't take it too well then." Kaia quipped, throwing an m&m up in the air before catching it in her mouth.

"You know me too well."

"No, well yes, but I also know just how much your sister hates me." Natasha always had a distaste for Lena's best friend, but no one quite knew why. Maybe it was due to them being in the same ballet class, despite Kaia being 2 years younger, or maybe how much time Kaia spent at the Romanoff's. But the brunette didn't really care. Having Nat like her wasn't exactly on the top of her to do list.

"Well, forget about her. She's not going to ruin it for me, or for you. We've had everything planned out since we were 10 years old Ky, and it's actually going to happen."

"Still gonna be roommates right?" Kaia asked, reading over the email one more time to cement it into her brain. It still felt surreal that they were actually going to college. No more high school. No more living at home. No more living 25 minutes away from each other. It was perfect.

"If you really think I'm gonna sleep in the same room as some random ass girl who snores and talks in her sleep, then think again. I'm sleeping with you or not sleeping at all."

"Well then I think we need to contact someone about it, because I don't even know if you can pick your roommates."

"I'll just say I have major attachment issues and breakdown into floods of tears whenever I'm not around you." Yelena said, spinning around on her chair before getting distracted by her massive shark plushie. She reached for it and pulled it onto her lap, stuffing her face into its fur.

Kaia just rolled her eyes. Yelena was always one for the dramatics. "Well that's going to work so well seeing as we are taking different majors, but sure." Yelena was majoring in sports science, seeing as she was on the women's football team and she loved it with all of her heart. Ballet was never really her thing, so as soon as she could quit, she did.

Kaiiarina was majoring in dance and they both were taking a Russian language class, as it was easy credits seeing as they both wanted to be fluent in their 'motherland' language.

"Well if that doesn't work, we can just get your brother to intimidate them all into putting us together." JB Lenkov (or James Buchanan) was in the army and had been away for 8 months. He was 5 years older than Yel and Kaia, so they joked about him a lot. Plus, he did try to ask Natasha out on a date, only to be turned down by her harsh words. "If you have a dick, I'm not into you."

"Let's just email them. See what they say." Kaia clicked on the email link, excitement surging through her body. It felt real now. But with the excitement came a lot of nerves. The kind that sent butterflies swarming in all different directions, extending from her fingertips to the depths of her stomach. A nauseating feeling descended in her throat, but she swallowed it down.

New experiences weren't really her thing. She grown a lot more self conscious from the bold and daring 6 year old she once was, but within the duo she was still the sensible and down to earth one. A stickler for the rules, which Yelena often felt were mere suggestions.

"I know its 8:30, but something in my body is screaming for a Starbucks right now, and unfortunately my asshat of a sister won't drive me." Yelena peaked over the top of her shark, which she had nicknamed Brucie, and batted her eyelashes rather dramatically at her best friend, who payed absolutely no notice to her.

"Kaia..." Still nothing.

"Ky!" Crickets.

"Kaiiarina!" Oh now she'd done it. The brunette's blue eyes seemed to darken as she peered up at the camera, narrowing her eyes into what became a bone chilling glare.

"Yelena Fyodorovna Belova. Did you just use my government name?" Although she was joking, Kaia made no effort to smile or even lighten her expression, loving how scared her friend looked. Similarly to a deer in headlights.

Lena flashed a sheepish smile. "Coffee?" Was all she offered, trying to hit Ky's sweet spot. "Caramel iced coffee?" Kaia was still glaring. "I'll buy you a blueberry muffin."

Now that was a deal breaker. "Even when I hate your guts, you still manage to win me over." Kaia groaned, pushing away from her desk and wheeling over to her closet whilst still sat on her chair. She grabbed a jacket and stood up, walking over to her table to grab her keys. "I'll be there in 20. Be ready or I'm taking Nat instead." She leaned over her laptop and hovered her mouse over the red 'end call' button.

"Oh wow. Threat of the century." Yelena feigned offense and Kaia blew a raspberry. Childish, yes, but

"Bye bitch."

~~~

Kaia's family was rich, very rich, but it hadn't gone to her head like many privileged girls she could mention. Her father was the CEO of a major jewellery company back in Russia, that had gone global in the last 10 years.

She had all the physical signs of a rich girl; expensive clothes, dainty jewellery, designer sunglasses that were nearly always placed in her wavy hair, pristinely manicured nails and of course, her most prized possession... her tesla. It was an extravagant 18th birthday gift from her father, and as normal as it seemed in a life like hers, Kaia burst into tears when she saw the sparkling white car parked on their driveway.

Yelena seemed more eager to show off Kaia's new car than she was, hopping into the front seat and immediately connected her phone to the aux, Mitski blasting at full volume.

And even though it had been 6 months since Ky's birthday, Yelena still clambered into the sleek white car with a gleeful expression, her phone ready in her hand to Bluetooth. Kaia's once peaceful music was soon replaced with songs more to Yelena's taste, reflecting her wild and chaotic personality.

"This is just like a free taxi service for you isn't it?" Kaia commented as Yelena clearly made herself comfortable, her hands adjusting the direction of the aircon as Kaia pulled away from the drive.

"Yeah, but you're rich so it's fine." It was true. Kaia didn't care about giving Yelena lifts. And besides, it's not like she payed for the electricity that powered her car.

10 minutes later she swerved into the Starbucks parking lot, a smile gracing her face as she saw the all-too-familiar store. The girls pushed the doors open and went inside to order their drinks. Yelena offered to collect their drinks so Kaia took a seat in a booth next to the window and peered outside, watching the hustle and bustle of the world outside.

Her hand was propped up under chin and she soon drifted into her thoughts, trying to process the events of this morning even though it was only 9:20am.

Yelena observed her best friend from afar, watching how she retreated into her head. She knew Kaia's concerns about college, especially with Natasha who was also doing the same course. The tension between the 2 could be cut clearly with a knife, which made thanksgiving and birthdays slightly awkward. But Yelena's outlandish personality always helped muffle the discomfort with a joke or a random song, which Kaia was thankful for.

She carried their coffees and blueberry muffins over to the table and slid in opposite Kaia, who was still staring into space out of the window. Her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth and Lena could feel Ky's knee bouncing up and down as their legs touched under the table.

"Hey. Kaia." Yelena said gently, placing her hand on her friend's knee. "I got that muffin you wanted." She slid the muffin across the table and watched as Kaia's eyes flickered into focus and she took a deep breath.

"I was beginning to think you'd forget." She joked, taking a sip of her coffee and smiling at the taste. Her grin was slightly forced and Yelena could tell it didn't quite reach her eyes.

Yelena laughed, her adorable giggle making Kaia smile harder. "Me? Forget? Never." She watched as her best friend slowly picked apart her muffin, breaking it into pieces on the wrapper. "What's going on?"

Kaiiarina sighed. Her anxiety wasn't anything new, and the duo had learned to cope with it really well. Yelena was goofy but always understanding, switching her naturally comedic tone to a more serious one when she needed to. And she was an excellent observer, which definitely came in handy as Kaia usually withdrew into herself whenever anxiety took over.

"Oh nothing." She said casually, more so to convince herself than Yelena. "It's just- well, college is a lot."

Yelena knew where this was coming from. They'd spoken about it a few times, but Ky still struggled to wrap her head around it. "Yeah... but it's not different for us."

"Why?" Kaia questioned as she bit into a chunk of muffin. A blueberry exploded on her tongue and sent a fuzzy feeling in her stomach. That's why those muffins were her favourites.

"Because we're still together. And we always will be."

Kaia thought for a moment as she chewed. Yes, they would be together, but they'd also be around Natasha and a bunch of new people they'd never seen before. Plus, they were doing different courses which meant different people, different professors, different buildings, different schedules... it was a lot.

Yelena took her silence as a hint to keep talking. "You're worried about Nat aren't you?"

"No." Kaia snorted. "Well... I'm hoping your sister is too busy to worry about making my life a living hell... but you know..." she trailed off and Yelena smiled, having figured out the root of her worries.

"You'll be fine. Besides, you won't even see her. You have me instead!"

"Hmmm... I wonder which Romanoff-Belova sibling I like best..." Kaia pretended to think long and hard, knowing it would mess with Yelena all too well.

Yelena narrowed her eyes and lined up a blueberry to flick, her lips curling into a pout. "For the sake of your white sweatshirt, you better say me. Or I'm gonna find another roommate."

"Okay Miss 'I breakdown in tears when I'm not around you'. Can't fool me Belova.". A smug expression crossed Kaia's face and Yelena huffed, sinking into the soft leather seat as she tossed the blueberry into her mouth and chomped on it with force.

"I hate you." She mumbled, glaring around the half empty coffee shop as her arms folded across her chest and one foot came to rest on the maroon seat.

Kaia chuckled at her childish behaviour, expecting nothing less. "No you don't."

With her infamous pout and inability to look her friend in the eye, Yelena answered "Yes I do" whilst eyeing up the baristas working quickly behind the counter, taking drive-thru orders as they drizzled caramel onto several frappuccinos.

"Okay then. See you around." Kaia grabbed her keys and iced latte and made a move to stand up from the booth, before Yelena put her leg on her seat so she couldn't get out. "No wait! I need a lift!"

Kaia sat down with a scoff. "Wow... so you are using me!"

"Yeah I am." Yelena said with no shame with a mouth full of muffin. "What about it?"

"Remind me why I'm friends with you again?"

"Because you need someone with good music taste to test your car speakers. And someone to bring banners to your dance recitals." A cheeky glint shone in Yelena's eyes as Kaia groaned, her head falling into her hands at the memory.

"No! Never again." She peeked through her fingers to see her best friend sniggering, to which she kicked her rather hard in the shin, earning a pained yelp from the blonde. "You may find it hilarious, but I will never live that down. I almost got kicked off the team for that!"

Yelena rolled her eyes. "Oh shut up. Natty was only jealous because I didn't make her a sign. She would never kick you off. You're too good. They need you to win." She was right. Kaia was unbelievably talented, although she would never admit it.

One of the many things the girls had in common was their dedication. When they wanted something, they were some of the most driven teenagers around. Both sets of parents were proud, although Yelena's showed it a lot more than Kaia's did. Her's seemed to think that the money they gave her was enough to make up to the detached and cold behaviour they showed towards her and her brother. But it just brought the siblings closer than they ever would be.

"We have 3 months until college. What the fuck are we gonna do?" Yelena asked, slurping the last of her coffee. It seemed like a hell of a long time to sit around stressing, which is what Kaia would do.

"We need to buy stuff for our dorm. And I want to go to the beach."

"Okay Ky that's boring stuff. I'm talking sleeping under the stars, going to haunted houses, days at the lake, getting drunk whenever we want! We have all this time and no pressure to do anything. We can't waste it!"

Kaia chewed on her lip before smiling. The sun as shining and it was warm. Perfect May summer weather. "Okay fuck it. Lake day?" She asked, grabbing her keys and adjusting her sunglasses on her head.

"I love you!"

They dumped their trash and ran out to the car, jumping in before racing home to collect their stuff. Kaia's parents weren't home (surprise surprise) so she didn't need to ask permission from anyone. And Yelena never asked permission She was 18 and frankly Melina and Alexei trusted her enough for her to do what she wanted.

"First day of stress free summer is about to commence!" Yelena announced when they were both back in the car. The electric guitar intro of 'Sweet Child O'Mine' blared through the tesla speakers as they pulled out of the driveway and it suddenly felt real.

It was summer.

They were going to college.

Together.

10 year old Kaiiarina and Yelena would be proud.

[eijiroukiriot]

why do you see bkg as trans?

i've had this ask sitting in my drafts since like august BECAUSE i knew if i did the question justice it was gonna get VERY long and pretty personal - if i'm gonna talk about it then i gotta talk about it in all earnest. and you've given me the floor to talk about it. so!!

at first i had these typed out as two separate points but i think they go a lot more hand-in-hand than that, so to start - when i think about my own gender and why i can't bring myself to identify fully with womanhood a lot of it is because there's something that feels so free about masculinity. mostly just like because of womanhood on a societal level a lot of my experience as a girl forever has been "you need to think about how your existence makes other people feel. you really need to present yourself in a way that's pleasant for other people. the way you look, the way you talk, the way you conduct yourself - people are entitled to having a say in all that. and if any of that isn't living up to the way it's supposed to be, then that's a fault of yours." here's a vent post i made when i was 17:

which is mostly really superficial examples of the suffocating expectation of girlhood but it's also so blatantly about bkg. in the moment my thought process was more like "i'm so deeply unsatisfied with so many parts of being a girl, it sounds like there'd be so many less people to answer to if i were a boy" but it's funny reading back on it bc it's like "dude are you just talking about bkg". but then who's a better example of choosing to stomp through life exactly as loud and rude as he wants to be without answering to anyone than bakugou katsuki!! honest about his thoughts in any case!! free to speak as bluntly and rudely as he wants!! never putting up with shit that makes him feel unlike himself!! walks with big wide steps and wears stupid baggy clothes and doesn't care what people have to say about it and doesn't feel worse if they do disagree. grins crazy blasting himself through the air. fights with big windup swings and shouts all the while. huge huge presence and so unafraid to assert it. named himself great・explosion・murder・god dynamight. i think i project a big sense of defiance onto bkg's character because everything he is just feels so defiant to me. there's just a lot that i admire about boyhood and bkg feels like the embodiment of it to me

and then you've got bkg himself, who like- isn't even fulfilling the "doesn't feel worse about himself if he is genuinely not the greatest or kindest" part of it!! bkg's character is so centered around figuring out who he is and like navigating through the mortifying ordeal of existing and not actually liking the person you are and trying to figure out where to go from there- he really thinks he has so much to prove...both in the sense that he DOES want to project this big image and also that he really can't cut himself a break. and then he freaks out when he's not becoming the person he wants to be and picks a fight with deku over it and totally breaks down and picks himself back up and forces himself to seriously rewire the entire view of himself and others that he's had his entire life - he's 16 - and goes to all this teeth-clenching effort to be a better person and has highs and lows and wears himself raw and then comes back to life. well the quality of the later part of his arc is very debatable. but his character is so about just figuring out who he is and kind of failing at it a lot of the time. and then eventually figuring it out and getting confident and stable in it. he makes friends who rib on him because they know he's got a good heart under it all, and moreover he lets them. he gets good at shouting something back and carrying on. you see the amount of conscious thinking it takes him to take some of those steps - rethinking his relationship with deku, the god am i really fucking doing this scoff before he gives kirishima back the money - but a lot of it is just steady growth. growing up. genuinely getting more comfortable and more okay with himself over time. but there's also all these little failures along the way because he's just a kid figuring it out, and also genuinely this anger towards the world for not understanding it when he does assert himself (sports festival....where deku also specifically notes that he knows he's not as confident as he wants to be!)

i haven't really closely reread bnha in a sec so a lot of this is probably a lot of projecting (i know it's undeniably influenced by the picture of bkg i have in my head) and i probably also didn't really clarify anything, because in the end everything bakugou is feels very trans to me. "the image you have of bkg katsuki in your head can actually be so personal" etc. digging into my archives i found this post from years back where i described basically the same stuff about bkg being a teen figuring himself out and saying "so yeah he's trans" without being able to hit it more on the head. kirishima is my favorite most special boy of all time, and i love him in so many ways, but bkg is my cringefail stinky teen boy in w the unshatterable determination to actually go MAKE himself the person he wants to be, no matter how many missteps he makes on the way there. it brings me a lot of comfort to imagine him being a self-made man as a part of the because gender is so confusing and questioning can be so intense. i'm 23 and i'm typing all this about an anime boy so i hope it's evident what a soul-bearingly honest answer this is bc otherwise oh haha embarrassing. but yeah i love that kid. i hope every little victory and day where his voice sounds good to him and glance of his top scars in the mirror feels like one of the high points on the journey

[tmwcs]

My Roommates Ex - Chapter 2

Okay here we go, on to chapter 2 of MRE. I'm going to finish editing chapter 3 and try to post tonight, along with 1st chapter of Mermaids Tale.

Pairings: Heeseung and you.

Warnings: Use of intimidating, use of force, heartbreak, and breakups. Not a whole lot in here, this chapter doesn't have any smut but is still a good read. Lots of angst and fluff. Mending of the heart, and touching moments in this one.

Summary:

The blissful drive became ingrained in your memory as both parked and continued to admire the view of the wide-open field. You both spent hours talking and laughing as you watched the cows and horses grazing, carrying out funny noises as they moved around or plopped themselves on the ground, struggling to get back up. 

You didn’t want to ruin the moment, but you had to ask in order to figure out how to go about the situation concerning Vicky. You looked over at Heeseung, who was facing straight ahead looking rather pensive, his fingers massaging your hand.

“You don’t have to say it…but just know I’m only asking because I’m struggling to find a way to tell her. Can you tell me what happened between you and Vicky?” Your voice shook in mentioning her name.

Remembering the last look he gave to her the night of the party, you didn’t want to stir that type of anger within him, thus bringing that same expression to meet your face when it was just you and him inside his car.

But he didn’t give it to you.

He remained totally unchanged and calm, still facing forward looking at the view through the windshield, his fingers kept stroking the ins and outs of your baby skin hands, he lets out a streamed exhale through his nose.

“Vicky made her choice…a long time ago in fact. I just…didn’t want to deal with it anymore…not after seeing you for the first time.” His voice was almost delicate, he spoke with emotions of anger, sadness, and happiness.

“So you don’t think…she won’t mind if I told her?” You responded. Faintly turning his face, he looked at you, still massaging your hand.

You looked down at it and watched, feeling too embarrassed to face him straight on.

“It wouldn’t matter if she did.” He replied. You felt compelled to explain; you carried the weight of the conversation.

“I know…it’s just…if I am going to tell her, I just need to prepare myself in case I am the cause of….you know…if I ruin our friendship.”

As badly as you wanted to keep Heeseung, acknowledging the fact that you would be giving up your relations with Vicky and the girls, whom had been the most stable friends you’ve had.

Heeseung raised his eyebrow at you in a perplex countenance. He leans in, the hand that massaged yours suddenly stops and grips you tightly as he brings your hand in towards his lap. He pulls you by that hand to bring you closer and meet him half way in front of his face.

“You’re not the “cause” of anything. You’re a reason. In fact, you’re THE reason.” You lifted your face to look at him, feeling overwhelmed by his words of flattery, you asked him as you gave a soft chuckle.

“Reason for what?” Your mouth wasn’t the only feature on your face smiling, he could see one in your eyes, along with the joy and innocence of being unaware on how much you truly meant to him.

“…A lot…”

He stared at you intently. His gaze was expelling all levels of compassion and love, his eyes moved around your delicate face when he gave his answer. He continued to add on to it.

“ You’re the reason why people reach for the stars. The one thing that makes a person get up even after a hard fall…the reason why we all keep walking and don’t stop moving.”

He spoke in the most loving manner as he commits to his usual habit of gently moving the hair out of your face so he could appreciate the full spectrum of your reaction.

As ever, Heeseung’s ability to take notice in the slightest bit of sadness or discomfort was beyond reproach, but his ability to ease you in was even better.

“Listen…you don’t need to worry about anything. We don’t have to be in a rush to tell her, we can take our time and whenever you’re ready, I’ll be ready too. We can…keep this between us. If that’s what you want.”

The level of appreciation you felt as he displayed his understanding of this situation nearly brought you to tears. You slight nodded but before you could thank him in return, he added on;

“Although I’m not going to lie…I hate the idea of sneaking around just to get to you.” He chuckled as he made it aware that the affection he had for you was something he couldn’t wait to display in public. The thought of showing everyone that you belonged to him tickled his heart. Though he never would rush into it at the risk of making you uncomfortable.

“Thank you…and I think I would like to tell her…in a little while. I just want a few days to figure out how to do it.” He nodded in agreement, his finger tracing your jawline as you spoke and shyly looked down.

The both of you spent the entire peak of the early to mid-morning enjoying each other’s company, never even blinking an eye upon realizing how fast the time flew by. You both just stayed with one another and embrace the feeling of not having a care in the world.

You asked Heeseung to drop you off towards the back parking lot. You both coordinated a time to meet up at the same spot later in the afternoon once you both were able to get some rest and take care of homework assignments.

The lot was nearly empty, being it was Saturday, you suspect that many of your peers may have succumbed to a brutal hangover and are probably still dealing with the repercussions of a pounding headache. Heeseung walked with you to the back side-entrance of the building.

Before you could reach for the knob, he turned you around to face him as he gently pressed you up against the wall. One arm was hovered over your head, resting up against the flat surface while the other was placed on his hip, entrapping you for just a moment as he wasn’t going to let you go without a kiss.

The kiss seemed like it lasted for hours as he kept bringing you in to him. The hand on his hip moves up and cradles the back of your neck, pulling you in. Of all the times you had seen him with Vicky, you never once saw Heeseung with this level of infatuation or affection, the man could not keep his hands off you and you loved it.

Eventually you had to be the voice of reason, and put the riskiness of possibly being seen outside the entrance to an end. You reassured him that you would see him later, and with that he opens the door for you and lets you in, closing it ever so gently as you make your way up the stairs.

Entering the dorm, you were shocked to find Vicky still hadn’t arrived. The room was just as you left it earlier with Heeseung. After a long shower, you laid in bed preparing for a nap. Beginning to feel the effects of being awake since 4am, your eyes felt too tired to stay open any longer. You set your alarm and drift off.

You wake up a few hours later, feeling more refreshed. Noticing there was still no sign of Vicky, you figured she may have decided to remain out for the entire weekend. You get dressed and started working on your homework, getting prepared to see Heeseung after a short while.

Opting to keep it comfy casual, you dress yourself in leggings, a tank top, and a pullover hoodie over. Just as you were picking up your phone, about to text and see if he was awake, you hear the door slowly creeping open and watched Vicky enter the room.

Surprised to see you, she gently shuts the door and continues to stand and look at you. You’re not entirely sure why you both were speechless; however, you broke the ice as you greet her and apologize for not answering any of her calls or responding to her texts.

“I was so worried about you.” She disdainfully tells you while looking at you with a slight furrow between her brows. To which you nodded in guilt and admitted that you should have called.

“I’m sorry Vicky…I ended up having a rough night after I got back to the dorm.” You left your sentence short and vague, not wanting to breach the subject of Samuel.

It wasn’t because you were feeling hurt over the email, you’re well past that.

It was because you felt your heart shutter whenever you breached the topic of the event that took place that very same evening, inside your dorm. An event, that entailed the most passionate level of intimacy you’ve experienced, and it was with Heeseung. Oddly enough however, you still felt this urge to bring it up and speak with her seeing as how you both were alone, Gabe wasn’t around, and Heeseung was more than likely still asleep. You wanted to have that closure with her more than anything else, so you toppled over the idea on starting off by asking her about her current relationship with Gabe.

“…Vicky…are you and Gabe…?” You hesitated for a second, not entirely sure how to word the question. This was a lot harder than what you initially thought.

Vicky looked at you with a raised eyebrow, one that signified a hint of suspicion on how you thought of a question, regarding her and Gabe, when considering she didn’t say anything about her relationship with Heeseung ending.

“Gabe and I….I’m not sure to be honest, I’m still trying to figure that out. I haven’t had the chance to speak to Ethan yet.”

Your heart dropped at her mentioning that last bit, you started to tell yourself that it would be best to drop the conversation and leave it be for now. You had every intention of changing the subject, but Vicky continued the discussion before you could get a word out.

“Why do you ask?”

You continue to answer her. Though nothing was said yet, you started to narrow down a theory on what may have happened between Vicky, Gabe, and Heeseung.

“It’s….nothing I just…I saw how close you two were at the party last night and I…noticed Heeseung didn’t come to you.” She raised both brows in shock;

“How do you know Ethan’s birth name?”

“His friend, Jake, called him by that name at the party. I met him and his girlfriend Emily.”

“Oh. Did you talk to Ethan a bit?”

“Yeah…”

“Does he…let you call him by his birthname? He only allows certain friends to address him by that name. He wouldn’t even let me call him by it.” Vicky’s gaze started to drift down to the floor as she felt the pain in her own words and realizing that Heeseung gave you an advantage that she never got.

You also a stared onto the floor, nodding your head in a “oh is that right?” expression when hearing about Heeseung limiting everyone in knowing, and using his rightful name. You projected a question that you desperately needed to know the answer to. Even though she had made it clear with her plans in ending things with Heeseung, you got this feeling that she had a hard time letting him go, despite her truly feeling he wasn’t going to make her happy.

“Did…Heeseung not tell you why he ignored your calls and texts?” Vicky shook her head,

“No…he didn’t. Did he say anything to you?”

“No…”

“Oh….well, I was thinking about talking to him tomorrow, I’d figure I would stop by his frat house and s-“

Vicky was suddenly cutoff when the door abruptly opens, not a single knock was submitted prior to opening it. You watched as Gabe walks in. At least this time he had shut the door behind him, although, you weren’t entirely sure if that had sat well with you. This time it didn’t matter if it was considered rude, you had a problem being in a closed room with this man, even if Vicky was there with you.

“Vicky, are you ready?” Gabe was very curt with his words, he looked fed up, no doubt he was still feeling the shame and embarrassment from last night.

“No…sorry. I was just talking with Y/N and I hadn’t grabbed my stuff yet.” Vicky responded in a shallow tone.

“Well hurry up!” Gabe rushed her, giving her a swift push behind her back, and towards her closet, right before he turned to face you.

“So where’s your bulldog?” Gabe antagonizes you as he asks the ridiculous question. You knew what he meant but you wanted to throw his words back at his face by treating him as idiotic as the question itself.

]“Bulldog?…”

“Yeah, fucking Ethan. What the hell was his problem? And why are you instigating it?”

You were shocked at his accusation. “Instigating? Me?” you exaggerate your sarcasm as you point towards your chest and eyed him with a look of extreme annoyance.

“You know exactly what I mean Y/N, you always want to be a tease and flirt with me, but whenever I try to keep it friendly you somehow play a victim and always get someone like Ethan to beat other people up.” Gabe’s lengthy and rather fabricated response was entertaining.

Not sure if you were angry at this point or just in complete shock, you turned over towards Vicky who was watching the whole interaction with arms crossed, not even displaying a hint of interest in breaking off the displeasing conversation happening before her. You had desperately hoped that she would see right through him, realizing that he was spilling out a heinous lie in her presence, to paint himself as an entirely different type of man than what he really was.

But her lack of judgement regarding the conversation tells you that she didn’t see anything, apart from Gabe’s capabilities to shower her with his father’s inheritance. You took it as fair game and decided to take the gloves off.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that obvious lie. In fact, I’m done having any sort of interaction with you.” Upon harshly relaying your statement to him, you turned towards Vicky, he was still looking on the floor, rather dead inside. But it was her turn.

“Vicky…why are you with him? He’s no good. He doesn’t respect you or your friends. He’s been lowkey harassing me whenever you’re not around or looking, and I don’t think he would take care of you the way you think he would.” You said a mouthful, and you felt bad for being so blunt, but it was way past due.

Vicky didn’t say anything, instead she just looked at you. Unable to tell if she was giving you a look of disbelief or if it was just one reflecting her annoyance with what you had just said.

Gabe scoffed and turned his eyes away, looking offended as usual. He overexaggerated a look of disbelief as well, insinuating that he was incapable of committing heinous acts against you.

“Vicky…you’re a nice, kind, and beautiful girl. One of the prettier ones I’ve ever seen. I don’t understand why you limit yourself, when you have so much going for you.” You continued, trying to reach through to her by appealing to her as a friend, since your earlier statement was rather harsh.

Vicky just simply went back to eyeing the floor, only this time it was off the side as she stared into the abyss.

Gabe began getting impatient, he grabbed Vicky’s arm and ushered her to hurry up and grab her belongings. He snapped his head around to face you afterwards, exposing his gritted teeth in annoyance.

“And you…” He grabbed your wrist as he continued.

“I’ve been nothing but nice to you! I’ve always complimented and told nice things to all my friends about you. You’re selfish!”

You were amazed at how committed he was in playing out this act. You tried to break away from his grasp, but your movement in trying to get away propelled him to tighten his grip. He yells out at you for moving as you try to release yourself.

“Hey!” You look up, your eyes were met with Gabe’s mouth remaining open as he frowned heavily. You turned to look over to Vicky, she was starting to look nervous and seemed like she wanted to stop him before things escalated, but she was hesitant.

Just then, you hear the door open once more. Heeseung notices you in a wrist lock of Gabe’s grip. Not wasting any time, he walks in, leaving all gestures of formality out the window.

He was oddly calm. Not at all displaying the heated, short-fused aggression as he did in the past.

Instead, he walked over towards your side in a nonchalant manner, keeping steady eye contact with Gabe.

His hands were tucked in the pockets of his straight jeans, the white t shirt draping his upper body was deceiving as it made him appear slenderer, hindering anyone to see how he was truly built underneath, and his shaggy hair was yet again, crowned by his fitted baseball cap.

He showered a certain aura into the way he was conducting himself as he walks towards you, still eyeing Gabe.

He was setting the tone, making it aware that he has no reason to waste his energy in getting angry, and that he had the luxury to be this calm. Because he knew, now that he was there, Gabe wasn’t going to do anything.

Heeseung sensed the fear in Gabe, long before he stepped foot into the room. No matter how much the boy tried to put off an act, Heeseung could see it plain as day and he used it to his advantage.

You felt Gabe’s hand loosen around your wrist and he hastily releases, dropping his hand by his side. He was nervous at seeing Heeseung’s tall and lean body approaching closer towards him, appearing gigantic as he towered above him. Heeseung glared at him and retorted upon seeing Gabe release you.

“Smart move.” Heeseung simply relays to him with a very firm, steady, and slow tone while raising his eyebrow in a fierce manner.

Obviously taunting the man, knowing that not a moment too soon he would have felt the clash of Heeseung’s fist to his face. Fortunately, he was smart enough to release you in time, right before Heeseung planted himself next to you, facing his direction.

Heeseung briefly broke eye contact, turning his head off to the side, he looks down at your wrist, taking a minute to visually examine it for marks. His jet-black gaze drove along your hand, arm, and even up to your shoulders. With that same stern voice, he lets out a warning.

“I wouldn’t touch her ever again. In fact…” Turning his face back to Gabe, he stares directly into his eyes at the last bit of his sentence. “If I were you, I just wouldn’t go near her.” He finishes as he leans his head back, just enough to reveal the exposure of one of his eyes to peer from under the bill of his trusty hat.

Making a sharp, direct, and unbroken eye contact with a very nervous and quiet Gabe.

With the lift of his chin, as he projects his face to look up at the towering stature of Heeseung’s form, Gabe let out a loud gulp, trying to prevent the look of fear to show through upon hearing his warning. Vicky looked as if she saw a ghost. Her hand placed over her mouth in shock as she watches Heeseung plant himself next to you, still eyeing Gabe down with his usual glare. The urge for her to speak overtakes her better judgement as she spat her words out.

“Heeseung…what are you doing here?” He shot a look towards her; it was comparable to the one he gave last night at the party.

“Since when?” Heeseung’s words and tone was direct and very firm towards her.

“When did I ever say you could call me by that name?” His voice was semi hostile towards her, you somewhat felt a little sorry for Vicky as you witness her body legitimately winced back as she lowered her head in embarrassment.

“Sorry…Ethan. Y/N told me she calls you Heeseung so I thought…” Heeseung cuts her off with the shaking of his head as he shot a peeved look to her. That was enough for her to get the point. She went back to her originally question, apparently desperate to get the answer.

“So what are you doing here?” She still was avoiding all eye contact with him.

Looking at Vicky silently for a few seconds. He sets his sights on Gabe, his eyes shot a different type of stabbing glare than the one he gave to Vicky, it was more hostile.

“Saw Gabe’s car in the parking lot. Figured he’d be here with you, and that didn’t sit well with me. So I came up.” Heeseung remarked as his eyes shifted to the side to look at you before look back at Gabe. His lips began to snarl.

“Actually, Gabe anywhere near this building doesn’t sit well with me either…not one bit.” His voice reached a dangerous tone of low, like the growl of an angry lion.

Vicky looked up at his statement, waiting a moment to catch her breath before speaking.

“…I told you we’re good friends. We jus-“ Heeseung snapped his fingers at her and a simple “Quiet.” Emerged from his lips. You’ve never seen him so demeaning towards a woman before, let alone someone like Vicky. You couldn’t hide the sudden breath that escaped from your lips as the shock stung you.

Vicky was taken aback, the glossiness in her eyes overwhelmed her as you witness small drops trinkling down. Heeseung on the other hand, was relentless with his attitude, there was a sense he expelled out through his actions that Vicky had crossed the line.

“Maybe there’s something wrong with your brain, but you should already know that we’re done. In fact, we’ve been done for a long time.” He spoke out, his tone was a little softer this time.

Obviously referring to when he ghosted Vicky, literally days after he agreed to start driving her to classes, yet you also got this feeling that he was letting on a lot more regarding the untimely end of their relationship.

Vicky’s mouth shuttered wide as she heard Heeseung’s statement. She even muttered a “What?” as she looked at him, begging him to clarify. He started to get a look of annoyance as Vicky’s response triggered him to feel as though she read the words “FOOL” on his forehead.

“Vicky…I’ll give it to you, you’re beautiful. You’re like a firework. Any man would be lucky to have you by his side. Any good one would cherish you eternally.” Heeseung’s tone calmed down back to his original relaxed one.

Vicky displayed a look of shock with a very faint smile forming at the corners of her mouth, seemingly flattered by his choice of words in acknowledging her looks. You got a feeling that he may not have expressed many compliments during the time they’ve known each other, which was a lot longer than the time he knew you. Yet, ever since last night, he coated you with words of worship on the very ground you walked on.

Vicky’s smile started to grow bigger, that was until Heeseung took one look at Gabe. His follow-on statement ultimately crushes her.

“But the moment he finds out your priorities are messed up, and that you do messed up things, he’s going to take it all back and resent you.” Silence filled the room, there was a pause filled with deathly stares shared between Gabe, Vicky, and Heeseung.

Heeseung looked over to Gabe and gave him an expectant look, one that hinted that an answer, or an explanation was due to him. He turned his look back to Vicky once more.

“I’m curious now that we’re finally talking about it. Exactly, how long has it been going on Vik? Was it just him or were there others?”

Heeseung’s words and tone became snarky at the last bit. Vicky shot a daring gaze at him, insulted by his statement.

“Is that what you think? You think I slept with a bunch of men behind your back?” Vicky retorted.

“You tell me, I know of at least one.” Heeseung’s words flew right through her as he looked at Gabe when he spoke out.

Vicky’s eyes widened and grew tearful, no way of holding them back, they started drowning out her peachy tinted cheeks. Sobbing, remorsefully, she responds.

“…It’s only been one…sorry…” The “sorry” came out broken as her voice was hiccupping at the sobs of her sadness, the guilt overriding her conscious. The conversation between the two continued.

“When did you find out?”

“I’ve been finding out about it for a while.” Heeseung admitted openly, disclosing Vicky’s infidelity to the room. His voice was much softer and calmer, almost as if he too was feeling remorse.

“Why didn’t you say anything or come to me!” At Vicky’s urging for an answer, Heeseung looked at her rather pitifully. As if he did feel sorry for not telling her sooner, but he maintained the stance of his countenance to reflect that she is wrong, not him.

“Would it have changed anything? With you? Would it have changed you?” Vicky was at a loss for words. Unable to answer his question, she continued sobbing as she stared at the floor.

“I also know…that you had plans.” He let on, earning more surprised looks than what he probably was expecting.

“Like…being unhappy with me, wanting to leave this place…wanting to leave me.” Heeseung continues to disclose all of Vicky’s supposed secrets. He knew of her true feelings and what she had been shamefully doing with Gabe, yet this was the first time he confronted her on the matter.

“…I wouldn’t have done any of it! If you had been just more dedicated into-“ Vicky’s words were cut off by Heeseung, noting the color of his energy, Heeseung’s annoyance reached the peak of its level.

“Stop.” Heeseung simply said. Another dreadful silence continued to cast its mark on everyone before he clarified his interruption.

“I was dedicated.” Heeseungs tone going back to calm. Vicky shook her head in disagreement at his words, in which he responded with raised brows, wide eyes, and a shred of defensiveness as he explained.

“Oh yes, I was. I may not have been dedicated towards what you wanted, but I was dedicated. I was dedicated to you. Beautiful girl saying she loves me. That she wants to be with me. Why wouldn’t I be dedicated?”

Heeseung’s feelings were beginning to come out through his words. “So what then? What? Are you going to sit here and point fingers? Or are you going to continue to ignore me forever? You could of at least told me so I could hav-“ “Moved on?” Heeseung abruptly finished her sentence, continuously looking at her with his brows raised.

Vicky just stared wide eyed, feeling the guilt coming back and punching her gut as she realized that she was being selfish. As hard as it was to admit it, and that she had her reasons for acting this way, she knew she couldn’t keep going in that manner. You had deemed that enough had been said.

You walked and stood in front of Heeseung, next to Vicky. Consoling her by placing your hand on her shoulder and rubbing it, you looked directly into his eyes, also reflecting a look filled with sympathy and comfort. In your mind, they both deserved all the consolation you had to give. You personally didn’t find fault in either one, nor did you feel that one side topped over the other.

The voice of your father emerged from the back of your head; it was of him giving you one of his life lessons. You could hear the shadow of his voice as it grew clear and loud in your brain…

Flashback “Sweetpea…sweetpea where are you?” Your father finds you on the steps leading to the front door.

You sat there, hurt by the actions of your best friend, Denise. A massive event was taking and your school district was asked to nominate a student to sing the National Anthem at the opening of it. You secretly disclosed to Denise that you were going to audition after receiving the encouragement from your choir teacher, in which Denise responded by telling you that all remaining auditions were called off on short notice. Stating that due to her title as class president and working directly with the main staff and the teachers, her sources were valid. It was believable. You also would never have guessed that she would never lie and manipulate you away from a rare opportunity.

The next day you found out that not only did Denise lie about the auditions being called off, but that she went to one that same morning, and to your dismay, she won the nomination. You felt crushed and betrayed and immediately took a bus back home, knowing the school called your parents to notify them of your unexcused absence. Your father knew from all the times you were upset, your confining spot was sitting on the brick steps admiring your mother’s rose garden. After reassuring the school that he would take care of everything, he goes outside and sits right next to you.

“Come here my girl. Tell papa all your problems, now, what’s wrong?” You explained to your father of everything that had happened. He nodded and looked at you with a smile, noticing your tearful eyes and sulky attitude, he found it adorable and cherished it, even though he knew you were upset.

He was a father after all, everything you did was heartwarming to him, it didn’t matter if it was relating to anger, sadness, confusion, or joy. Just the fact that he gets to experience every aspect of you, made him as a father, develop a fondness for moments such as this one right now. He cherished every single one, no matter if it was good or bad. He always filled the setting with a smile of gratitude, enjoying it while he can, because he knew someday, he was going to have to say goodbye to it.

“You know Y/N…. life works mysteriously in strange ways. There are countless times where we think we have it all figured out, come to realize we don’t. We think we know what we want in life, yet we go on trying to find out the meaning of it.”

You remained in place as your hands cupped your cheeks out of frustration as you stared at your mother’s roses while listening to your fathers’ words, trying to find the sense in it.

“Sometimes…when we want to be happy…we go looking for it, sometimes going into the wrong places to find it. We as humans, we want to be happy. We want to be happy so much, that we end up hurting ourselves and our loved ones in the process.”

You were 15 at the time when your father gave you that lesson. As you grew; graduating high school, enrolling into college, moving into a dorm, making new friends, and most importantly, meeting Heeseung, you didn’t understand your father’s lesson until the night Samuel sent you the email. You understood it with Heeseung’s help and now, you understood clearly as you examined the situation between the group, to even include Gabe.

Looking at Heeseung, you silently mouthed the words “I love you” to him and gave him an endearing look as you continued to console Vicky while she sobbed. Heeseung softly smiled back. In a moment such as this one, he would give anything to pause time to savor it.

You hugged Vicky, gently cradling her face with your chest as you softly signaled Heeseung to stand firm, hinting that you were going to talk with Vicky. You turned to look at Gabe, who was displaying a look of frustration and embarrassment, you politely asked him to step out for a moment so that you could speak with Vicky, assuring him that she will meet with him afterwards. You appealed to him as a human being, even if he had been less than of an impeccable one.

He didn’t argue or display any form of objection, he couldn’t, not with Heeseung standing there. He simply nodded and walked out.

You walked Vicky to her bed, sitting right next to her. She couldn’t stop crying, it was tough for her but the moment she was next to you feeling the comfort of your arms around her shoulders, she spilled out a line of “I’m sorry” towards Heeseung.

You gently shushed her, trying to have her focus on catching her breath as the sobs were already shortening each one, let alone her repeatedly apologizing. Finally reaching a level of stability in her breathing and sobbing, Vicky spoke first.

“Are you…both together?” She looked down at her hands as she asked. You were beyond surprised at her question, you did good for the most part in maintaining your composure, but your eyes gave it away as they grew wide as you looked right back at her, your arm still wrapped around her shoulder in comfort.

Heeseung didn’t looked surprised, he looked as if he expected her to know. You were beginning to question yourself if he possibly told her before she came back to the dorm but found it highly unlikely since you were certain that he had no interaction with her until this very moment.

Heeseung merely stood there, facing the both of you as you sat on the edge of her bed. Just as you appealed to Gabe, Heeseung appealed to Vicky as he began to explain yourselves.

“If you’re mad…take it out on me, not her.” His eyes no longer looking at Vicky, instead he reflected a tired eye look as he stared at the floor beneath your feet.

“I just…why? I don’t understand. What happened with your boyfriend?” She turns to you as she mentioned Samuel, before facing back to Heeseung and proceeding.

“What happened to you? Just somebody…please explain this to me.”

You were at a loss for words, you didn’t know how to explain, there was no way she would understand unless she had been in your shoes and experienced every second of what you went through with Samuel. Heeseung took over the conversation.

“I never meant to hurt you. I’m not entirely sure if I caused you to do act the way that you did. I just knew that I wasn’t making you happy, therefore you made me unhappy.” Heeseung’s face almost looked expressionless, just a hint of tired was marked.

“Why…I really do love you I just…why couldn’t you just be more like…like…” she stopped at mid-sentence, realizing that was she was saying only proved Heeseung’s point.

“I can change a lot of things Vik, but there are some things you have to accept. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to hurt…and I don’t want to be hurt.” Heeseung concluded his side of the argument.

Vicky simply stared at his face as his eyes remained glued to the floor. She turns to you with her wide and swollen eyes, she asks you a question that you weren’t prepared to answer, especially given that you and Heeseung just established an intimate relationship last night. You both haven’t tread near the topic of your relationship and the details of it, you just knew in your heart that you cared deeply for him and that you didn’t want to be without him, but that was something you had kept to yourself. That was up until Vicky asked you,

“Y/N…do you love…do you love him?” You silently gulped.

Your eyes moved over to the window next to Vickys bed, then moved it back to look the other way towards her desk. With Heeseung standing in front of the both of you, he appeared to look just as interested in your answer as Vicky was. The spotlight was on you, having no idea how it ended up being that way considering this started off as a matter between Heeseung and Vicky.

With newfound bravery, you relayed your answer by softly biting your lower lip, subtly squinting your eyes shut and nodding in the affirmative. You heard Heeseung’s smirk as a breath of satisfaction escaped his lips. You slowly opened your eyes but didn’t have the courage to look at Vicky and felt too shy to look at Heeseung. It was your turn to stare at the floor.

Vicky turned her head and closed her eyes. You couldn’t tell if she looked hurt, tired even, or maybe both. You were prepared for a reaction that would include lashing out, screaming, crying, and insults flying at you.

Yet, none of that happened. Vicky simply turned back to you and took your hand; her tears were beginning to stream again as she looked at you with a rather hopeful look on her face.

“You know…I never meant to hurt him. Right?” You answered her question by nodding once more, you just couldn’t find your voice in this situation, all you could do was nod.

“But I did…I did hurt him.” Vicky let out a slight smile, not out of joy or sadness, it was a smile of relief.

“Take care of him. If anyone could, it’s you Y/N.” She says to you as she gently squeezed your hand. Vicky had her flaws, but her heart was not one of them. You always knew she was kind and understanding, maybe not towards herself, but with you, she never ceases to amaze with her warmth.

With your hand still in her grip, she smiles at you upon receiving your answer, giving you reassurance that she wasn’t mad or holding anything against you. She then turned to face Heeseung, gently releasing your hand after one last squeeze, and stood up to confront him.

“I already know you’ll be good. You always have been to me. And I’m sorry for not being better, my lack of judgment got the better of me. I never realized that what I wanted the most in life…I already had it. The thought of getting spoiled with a life of comfort, stability, and traveling, that all was so appealing, and I just got lost in it all. And I’m sorry. Because now I truly know…especially now that I know I’ve lost it for good…those things don’t matter compared to having you, Heeseung.”

She smiled, ignoring his snapping from earlier when he warded her from using his birth name.

She pulls him in by his neck and hugs him. It was the most compassionate one you had seen between the two, all the ones that she had with Gabe couldn’t compare. Even though you were grateful for how things were turning out, you were feeling saddened at the sight of her giving Heeseung a final embrace, it was only natural, they had history. The trophies they collected within the time they had known each other was way more than what you shared with Samuel. You could only imagine just how many laughs, tears, screams, and kisses her embrace was putting an end to.

Heeseung took both his hands out of his pockets, yet only one returned Vicky’s embrace as he wrapped it around her upper back, softly admitting a gentle rub as he shifted his gaze to various spots on the floor. He patted at her shoulder blade, hinting to her it was time to let him go, and she did.

[yaralulu]

Thank you for the tag @sad-scarred-sassy @highlordofkrypton @achaotichuman !! This is so fun!!

Describe your writing process from idea to posting/publishing?

My writing process is very …ungraceful lol. Most of my fics stem from random dialogue that I came up with on like the bathroom floor and I just build a story around that dialogue. Usually I take a few days to kinda plan the fic and to brainstorm the overall scenes in it. Fill in the gaps on what happens before and after the main dialogue, figure out character dynamics and timelines,etc.

Once I have a solid idea of what I want to write, I will procrastinate for like week because I’m annoying 👍.When I finally get a surge of motivation/I force myself to open a new document , I just start writing whenever and wherever I can (I write on my phone because I am the farthest thing from a professional). I’m a relatively slow writer so it takes me either a week to finish something or a month,just depends.

Are you a plotter or a pantser?

Definitely plotter. I need to have a basic outline of what’s gonna happen before I even consider writing something.

What do you listen to when you are writing?

Nothing! But listening to songs that remind me of the fic i’m working on definitely puts me in the mood to write but I don’t listen whilst I’m writing.

What’s your drink of choice(while writing)?

Very rarely am I ever eating/drinking something when I’m writing. Either I’m slumped on my bed or I’m literally in the middle of a public place (professionalism 👍).

Promote yourself! What’s your favorite thing you’ve written?

My beloved luzriel fic Want by Proxy. I’m sure you’re all sick of hearing me talk about it but it’s my child. I’m very proud of it! (however my actual fav thing is lowkey all the things i’ve written for lucienweek hehe.)

Share a fic of yours that you think is underrated/deserves more love.

Oh boy. My tamcien angst fic a bridge between us flopped so bad on ao3 but I really love it!! It’s short and yet very angsty and exactly the kind of tamcien stuff that I like to read. Honestly a little scarred by how bad it did LOL but I’ll get over it.

Do you have any advice for new writers?

I’m a baby writer myself and genuinely my number one advice is: Stop comparing yourself to other writers. It’s such a hard cycle to get out of when you’re a new writer but you cannot keep looking at experienced writer’s works and comparing yourself to them. With time and effort, you’ll be just as good but beating yourself up because you’re not as good as them right now will get you nowhere. Just keep writing!! Have fun and write what you wanna read and before you know it you’ll be just as good!!

What is a writing style/technique that others do really well that you'd like to get better at?

Descriptive writing!! I feel like I’m slowly getting better at writing descriptive settings but still it’s very hard. I just wish I had the ability to string words together so beautifully that you could literally picture what I’m talking about.

Using prose and lyrical language is another thing I aspire to be good at. I really admire people who write absolute poetry in their fics. Like the flow and language they use is just insane and so evocative. Being able to make readers feel the character’s emotions because of the strong language used is definitely something I want to get better at!!

Is there a character you were surprised you enjoyed writing as much as you did?

Azriel!! He really took me by surprise but I really enjoyed writing his personality and stoicism. Writing guarded characters is very fun because even I don’t know what the hell they’re feeling lol. It was definitely a guessing game trying to figure out how he’d react to stuff but I enjoyed crawling inside his head.

Also Eris!! I now understand why so many of my mutuals love writing him because he’s genuinely so.freaking.fun to write. Something about his aesthetic is just so addicting. Like I had a blast picking out what he wore in my fic and describing the clothes and his hair like he’s literally a princess. His aura just makes my brain go brrr. He’s just such a fun character to play around.

Tagging: @the-darkestminds @olenvasynyt @viktoriaashleyyx @sonics-atelier and whoever would like to join in!!

[adzowski]

Hi! I really admire how you color your digital art and was wondering if you could share a bit about your process. How do you typically approach coloring, and how many layers do you usually use for things like base colors, shading, and highlights? I’m trying to figure out how to do this myself and would love any tips or advice you might have!

Ah, how nice, my first ask!!~ Hello, and thank you so much :) I wish I had a standardized process to share, but what I do changes every time I do it, which is why I think I have such an inconsistent style (or many styles, however you'd rather think of it.) On my instagram (link here) I'll often post stages with the final artwork, so you can check those out and see if it helps, if you want! I am actually colorblind, so my coloring process varies a lot depending on how challenging the colors are for me in that individual artwork! I wouldn't say it's strong or anything, but it definitely affects my coloring approach. So, to actually answer your question as best as I can: for drawings, I usually make a sketch layer, then if I must, a lineart layer (I avoid doing lineart because it strains my wrist a lot and doesn't feel very organic, so often I'll just try to sketch cleanly and use that as the lineart!). For coloring, I usually separate background (if applicable), characters, and foreground (if applicable) into their own folders, and I apply each color in its own layer (skin, hair, clothes, etc), and once all the base colors for each folder are adjusted as best as I can (again, colorblindness), I merge them to one layer per folder! Then I'll add a layer for shadows or lights, then merge. I always try not to have too many layers at once! For paintings, I usually keep it all in one layer! Or at most separate the background from the main thing. I'll often not sketch, and if I do, I may paint in the same layer as the sketch, or paint under the sketch and delete it after. I often find myself adding a layer, making a small change, and immediately merging it down, then doing it again, if I'm too scared of changing something too noticeable. I hope this actually answered your question, and sorry for the very long-winded answer!! Find a process that works for YOU, though, just try out a bunch of stuff and see which feels better and yields the best results. It's okay not to have a process, or not to follow standards. At least I think so :)

[chironsister]

Ok guys. I've come full circle with my insanity. The root of all my problems is that I'm a repressed lesbian with serious mommy issues. I keep feeling magnetic attraction to older women and I've never vocalized it.

Jen has been there for me as a mother figure nonstop replying to my texts and caring about me and bringing me to appointments and crying for me. In this time I've come to realize I have a huge lesbian crush on her that I can't deny. I really really tried to shove it in the back of my mind and be like "oh, I don't really feel that, that's not true bla bla bla" but when it's just this consistent ache and longing and constantly checking texts and you realize omg ... This is what people act like when they have crushes.

The problem is I've only ever felt this strongly about older women. I don't know what it is or why but I am so sure this is how I feel in this moment and it's embarrassing but I've ALWAYS been like this and I feel it so fervently.

I posted on Reddit and everyone was so mean Lol ("cut her out of your life!!! Leave the married woman with the 50 children alone!!!!")

Then one commenter suggested something I had literally NEVER considered: TALKING to her and telling her.

I imagined me doing that and it going well and I thought, what? Is it that easy? Is this a joke?

I don't think she's going to be like, "oh I've loved you all along, too" but I do think she's going to be like "you're mentally ill" at least HAHA and try to comfort me but I really don't know.

She is very straight very normcore and very pretty. I don't know what to do. I do know I have to drink for this. So tomorrow I am buying beer and maybe sending her the following message ... Please someone read and reply or message me or send me a message in a bottle and be like "hey your idea is really good" (best outcome) OR "HEY Megan do NOT do that your idea is really REALLY bad!!!!" (sad :()

Ok Jen,

In maybe my most insane feat ever, I am going to admit something humiliating for me to you. I know I have mommy issues. I know I'm insane. Anyway, I guess somehow the intensity with which you cared for me somehow touched me in such a way that I somehow developed some sort of romantic feelings for you. I obviously know how unrealistic and crazy that is and I'm sorry. I don't know how that even happens but I can't control my feelings.

I found myself really clinging onto your responses and really emotionally affected by them, good or bad, and I don't know. I don't know how that is possible. I thought really long and really hard about whether I was just confusing my feelings of admiration with romantic attachment but I don't think I am.

This is perhaps the most vulnerable, honest thing that has ever come out of my mouth and while I'm proud of that I'm deeply ashamed as well.

Ideally this would not ruin our friendship but I think you're kind of a no-nonsense person who values practicality and status and you may even be ashamed and embarrassed of me, especially after learning this. But I realized it's probably better for me to say something than to hide it both from you and from myself.

I'm sorry, I wish I could control my feelings and I am truly the most repressed lesbian alive. Autocorrect changed repressed to depressed and that works too.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I'll give you time and space and if you want to talk again that's ok, and if not that's ok too.

You're kind of my lifeline right now also so the idea of you completely distancing yourself from me is scary because I don't know what I'd do. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I think some things are inside thoughts but maybe sometimes inside thoughts feel better when they're outside thoughts.

[lizziespoem]

❊ hello my angels, long time no see.

to be honest I kinda think I’ve lost my skills of finding the right words and being good at expressing things through texts, but I wanted to thank you all with all of my heart.

since I don’t want to brother you all I’m going to warn you that the next paragraph will be a bit more personal and if you don’t want to read it I’ll just wish you a beautiful new year and pray for each of you that all of your dreams come true.

over a month I’ve been taking a break from writing and it felt extremely strange to me. I’ve been writing since 8 years and I still can’t thank my twelve year old self enough for giving me the opportunity to comprehend everything that’s been going on in my head. But now I’m nearly twenty one and time passed faster than I’ve ever imagined, not to forgot that I changed too.

Since three months I’ve struggled with having the feeling I’m completely stuck in time, not knowing where I belong and what purpose I’ve been allocated. And since two month I’ve completely shut myself down from everything, I’ve allowed myself to give me the time I needed to figure out what my soul and heart need and what they both deserved. And I never thought I would say those words, but I’m currently writing on my own book, working harder than ever for my medical school and understanding what makes me feel good.

This post is not meant to be a goodbye or a warning that I will never post anything again (I will), but it’s meant to allow you guys to see that’s it’s okay to take your time.

I’ve always been a fool and believed that loving myself should be as easy as loving others, and believe me I fall in love so quickly and everyday. Daily I consumed videos of how to glow up, how to work out, how to be more productive, how to be a better version of myself, I believed that if I was skinnier, prettier and like the other I would feel better and happier, but happiness isn’t something that appears with a day or a month, with a lower scale or plump lips.

You don’t need to search for happiness, happiness is meant to find you.

I’m a terrible and highly sensitive person, I feel truly and deeply, I’ve always thought it was my weakness and yet know I that this is the reason why I admire myself. I admire that I love so deeply, that my seeds will grow daffodils, which I will collect and give to others.

What I’m trying to say with all of this, is that the time and life is not coming at you, they accompany you. Give yourself the time you would give a plant to grow, the time the earth needs to move around the sun and show yourself the love you give others.

I truly hope you’ll find what you’re looking for. I hope you grow with each day and remember you’re the brightest star.

text me if you need it, see you again on the day I’ll post another imagine or goodbye untill over paths meet again <3

[cynthesiscult]

I’m angry.

a guy unfollowed me today when I posted a video from a concert. a video containing music of my liking. this guy’s rich and successful. he’s also my age which is strange.

we met at the club due to the fact that he hangs out with people that are ‘known’ and my best friend wanted to meet them. we do like to socialise. so she asked me ‘yacinthi, can you get us in their table ? can you get us to meet them ?’ I said ‘sure’. so I just went over there and asked for a cigarette. they ended up inviting us to an after party.

so we ended up meeting these guys. we stayed together for hours, talking. it felt like a social experiment. they were amazed by me and what I had to say. I did not take that as a compliment. why were they so surprised to come across a girl who’s both pretty and smart ? why wouldn’t I be intelligent ? by the end of the night I was even told I was the most interesting person in that room.

the guy I want to talk about seemed to be fascinated by me. always tried to start a conversation. always interested in what I was saying. we were in his house by the way. when almost everyone left, it was just me, him and his best pal - who was also really invested in our convos. when I decided to leave, the guy offered to get me a cab and asked for my social media.

we’ve been mutuals for some time and he’s always watching my posts. and even though I don’t usually care, I got really offended when I realised he’d unfollowed me right after I posted my concert experience.

I’m writing this as I’m trying to figure out why I got so frustrated.

when you add someone on social media you do not do it expecting to see what you want to see. you follow them because you appreciate them and you just let them be and use their social media presence how they like.

maybe I got mad because I didn’t even have fun at the concert so it seemed unfair to ‘ lose ’ someone over this. if it were a good one I don’t think I would’ve reacted like that. I’d probably think ‘ fuck him, I had the time of my life ’ but that was not the case.

does he feel superior because he’s rich and successful ? do I feel small compared to him ?

do I feel like I need to create a whole new personality for every single person that I meet just to get them to like me ? maybe. it’s never really a ‘new’ personality though. every single one of these versions is an already existing part of me.

and I don’t do it because of my need for attention. I just acknowledge the fact that life is easier when people like you. and I’ve gotten pretty good at it… but I do not wish to waste my precious energy to please others.

I’m a loner. I’m never in the mood to be with people. I always see socialising as a game in order to have fun.

do I feel like I should’ve done something different in order to keep this guy following me ? maybe. but that’s so dumb.

we did get along so well. it makes me angry that people are so superficial. does he think I’m not worthy of his attention ? and if that were true, why is it making me feel this way ? is it because I looked up to him and wished he did the same ?

I know he fascinates me. he obviously admires me. why would I want reassurance over this ?

do I see him as a superior ?

do I feel like I’m behind in life just because this guy is my age and allegedly self-made ?

my real problem is myself , not him. I’m expecting more from me.

he could be mad at me too. I never texted him to thank him for the taxi even though I wanted to. I never reached out. I told him I was seeing a guy I’m really interested in. so maybe he just wanted to be romantically involved with me and realised it was not going to happen. so it seemed pointless to keep following me. to keep appreciating my interests.

now I feel the need to prove myself to him. but I also do know it is stupid. another mind game.

he’s not better than me nor am I better than him. he doesn’t even like cinema or listen to music.

may he discover the beauty of art and may I start being active and making money.

I wish to remove the anger from within me. I wish to find peace. there’s no one to please but me.

it’s time to release.

[metavandetta23]

nobody is going to read this, so I am just gonna put it out there warning: rambling from some fucking guy ever. you have been warned.

life sucks, blah blah blah, but instead of just complaning about that, how about I give you bit explenation as to why. so sit down there one of my 121 followers. If anyone of you read that is and not just clicked follow on one art I made and buzzed off (no offense there, just saying.) Okay so you might ask, why now out of sudden i blow like up that. Here is the answer: See, I have been doing creative stuff like, be it art, writing, music or whatever for past..... lets say 4-5 years. As you might guess, some of these ventures didnt pan out in the end. i mean, its given. It happens. Let me mention some of the things I tried over the years. I tried making a homestuck comic on mspa when I first started doing creative stuff. I managed to get pretty far compared to most projects I will mention, but I didnt finish in the end. Why? I got burned out, because I worked on it full non stop. Then I tried having a cool rp campagin session with pals from discord server I known. That ended in tragedy, especially after one of them out of fucking blue, send a fucking gore of dead person. None of us expected this to happen. Earlier I tried music, couldnt do that thing earlier unless you call "music" by swapping midis with shitty piano font. Well, atleast it didnt end up with a gore.

Then I tried working on some ut aus. Did it even work? HAHAHAHAHAHA, what do you think? Ofcourse, not. Didnt peak interest, because I didnt capture interest basically. Anyways this goes on and on. Deltarune au there, some another rp server there and there (one turned into glorified horny rp out of college setting that I tried initially, pal if you are reading this, sorry but this server just sucked ass) I think you might start seeing a pattern here. You would think eventually. That being "Gee meta, thats sure lot of failures, you must have atleast succed one time BIG right?" Haha, no. Okay I did manage to finish some of my stuff but like. really really low bar stuff. so essentially in the eyes for everyone, nothing. See, most of the failures from these projects came from me doing solo. You would think me teaming up with someone would help? Not really, unless I literally pay them money for it, tough fucking luck. Out of 5 years of me doing creative shit, only 4 people helped me out that I recall. they couldnt helped me out for long in the end, but i appreciated for them when they could. all rest of people? Fucking went ghost and then I was left alone, figuring this shit out myself. It isnt fun knowing that you put trust in someone, only in the end to be alone in this in the end. I wish I was so fucking talented, creative, witty or self efficent as the people i asspire to, the artists i admire who make works of artm writers who can write witty, fun but touching stories. I wish I could be at thier level, so I could make great works of art. But atlas, I am not. I dont seek glory or fame, even if it would be nice. No, I just want people to enjoy creating what I make, to feel like I have impact on the world, that people can share with. to make connections with. Look in the end I am just 20 year old guy from europe, that isnt much good at anything, including social life, apperantly. Only thing I am good at is pixel art, but just barely. I am very much uncreative person. and unconfident and rather hopeless one these days, despite how much I try to hide in fake smiles.

I dont have much better way to end this sort of ramble, besides mentioning tobys recent post from spring newslettter and my view on it. "There's times where it feels like your hopes and dreams are simply slipping away from you. That the things you wanted to achieve are floating away from you in the sky while you lie there, fallen in a crater, your wing torn off, never to grow back. Bitterness grows, and you feel like you may never leave the ground again.

But

That's not true.

You can still fly.

Even if you lose a piece of yourself, even if it feels like you can't get up anymore, you can. You can fly with one wing. You can fly without any wings."

Can you really even fly, even if you feel like a part of yourself was torn off? That it happened right before you could even took off. No matter how much you struggle, scream and rage. You can still never to be able to fly like others, much even take off from ground. No matter how much you try. You feel shackled to ground, to the bones of earth. While you look towards as sky, as other people dance in the air beyond your wildest imagination. Its so beautiful, yet so out of your reach. Cries of helps can be heared coming from you from miles in the air. But they all fall on the deaf ears. Or maybe its just out of bliss ignorance? You cant say. You want to join them, join them so badly. To feel like you could finally be a part of something greater. To feel like you could belong somewhere. To be cared. But you just cant. It wasnt meant to be made. Resentment grows inside your soul. As that feeling rots inside you more and more. Part of you wishes this feeling to be gone, to never be felt. But the other part, says otherwise. It wants that liberty desperately, looking with its green eyes at them. Why they? Why not me. Why not me at all!?. You just want what they have yourself. It grows inside you more and more as you allow it to. You eventually consdering tearning off other people wings. Even if you cant ever fly agian, doesnt mean you should be the only who suffer like this right? And why do they deserve to fly, anyway. They would be better off without that, you think. Plus, even in this state. You know you can do this option. To cripple someone, just to make yourself feel better even if its only for a moment. But then you realise. If you ever would reach to that point. Whatever drive you initally, would be just gone. In fear of your insecurities and weakness. You decide to lie up, instead. Rendering your shackled and vulerable. Locked inside, with no way or out. Perhpas in the end.... Its better if you dont fly at all...