#try to understand each other is so far gone. on every other topic it's been there which is why the way people get shunned for opposing

[blackpearlblast]

i'm going to be honest i think if you are going onto a jewish person's artwork that makes use of a hundreds of years old (if not much older) cultural symbol/concept and talks in depth about their feelings around it and the way they utilized it in the piece to say they are being antisemitic and not engage with what they said at all... well it just so clearly shows that zionists and zionists supporters have internalized accusations of antisemitism as a "shut-up button". i think trying to shut down a jewish person with a misappropriated term for their own oppression is actually the antisemitic thing going on here and not *checks notes* opposing a genocide.

[flippinpancakes64]

Could you do one where the Cullens leave for the safety of their partner? (Just like Edward did) With the difference that they don't leave for months, they see each other for seven or eight years, but when they return they realize that their (now ex-partner) She has made her life, when they see her after returning and go looking for her, they see her with a man who is carrying a little boy of approximately two years old and that she is next to him with a pregnant belly waiting for her second baby (and very happy, his happiness can be seen from thousands of miles away, just like that of his current partner)

What would their reactions be like? Anger, maybe sadness, repentance?jealousy, would they come closer? Will he watch her from afar to take care of her and her family? Or would he try to be with her again? There are too many reactions that could have.

Would they say something like "I should be in his place" or not?

How would they deal with that?

Does it also occur to me that in her second birth Carlisle will be the one to attend to her? I don't know, it sounds good, it would be a big shock. Also let it be seen that her new partner loves her and takes care of her

I don't know if you understand, English is not my first language and I tried to explain as best as possible, I'm sorry if there are any errors

The Cullens with a Fem! Reader who has moved on

Wow this ask is so huge. And very specific. I think I understand what you're asking for so hopefully I brought this topic justice.

Summary is that the Cullens (individually) leave their human partner so that they can be safe, and when they end up coming back after they realize that they can't live without them, the reader has already moved on. Like a husband, a baby, is pregnant, the whole nine yards.

Thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy!

Edward:

He's been through this before

He's a monster, he's no good, blah blah blah

So he leaves

Only this time he intends for it to be permanent

He thinks about you every day, but he knows that you're better off without him

But there's a part of his brain that thinks that you're still there

Bella couldn't even leave her room she was so depressed

So when the Cullens move back to your city, he fully expects the same from you

He goes through every stage of grief when he sees you

So human, older now, no longer the teenager he once knew

Your stomach is just as round as Bella's once was, only this time you're lively, glowing

And he knows it's because it's not his

There's a beautiful little boy by your side and a handsome man with a matching ring on his finger

You're perfect

This is what you were made for

The human life, the life of tradition, of happiness

The life he can't give you

He receded after that

He moves to South America, somewhere far away

When you see that the Cullens are back, you ask about Edward, but he's long gone

You never see him again

Alice:

Her choice to stay around you, her family's choice to stay, was putting you in constant danger

It was a constant thing

The changing and unchanging future was warping right before her eyes

Every possible danger that was coming for the Cullens was coming for you too

So she had to leave

She made everyone pack up and leave

She didn't leave a note, no indication of anything

Only she fully intended to come back when the danger was gone

But as weeks turned into months, and months turned into years, she saw you change

As attuned as she was to you, she kept tabs

She saw you go on a couple of dates

Eventually she saw your wedding

She saw the birth of your first baby boy

And she knows that now you are pregnant again

She doesn't come back to your town

She knows that you are happy and better off where you are, without her

But she still wishes that she had stayed

That maybe she should have changed you, and that you would be with her now

The only time she ever reunites with you is at your funeral, where she wishes she could have changed something

Jasper:

He almost killed you

It was something super small, a pimple that you popped that started bleeding a little

You didn't even think about it

But Jasper pounced, Emmett and Edward had to pry him off of you

He left that same night, the Cullens packing up and moving not too long after in the hopes that he would come back if you were nowhere near

His guilt was eating him alive

Even years later

But the Cullens had made their rounds moving from place to place and were finally back within state lines of where you were

His curiosity got the best of him

He made Emmett come with him in case he couldn't control himself

He stalked around on the streets of your town until he eventually spotted you

You were radiant, glowing and gorgeous, a sharp contrast from how you looked the last time he saw you

A handsome man by your side, a beautiful kid at your feet, and glowing smiles all around

And then on the side of your neck was a huge, teeth-shaped scar

A splash of dark ink on a beautiful white canvas

That was all he needed to see

Seeing how happy you were, how perfect your life was without him, and then seeing how what happened all of those years ago is still present

He knows he could never do that for you

Never be that perfect man, give you that perfect life

And you never hear from Jasper or the Cullens ever again

Rosalie:

It would take a lot for her to leave

If you're a human and she loves you, chances are that she is not leaving you

But eventually she gets in her own head about it, and she decides that you need the chance to live a normal life

She wants you to be human, and even though she loves you, she wants you to have the life she never had

So she leaves

But she can't stop thinking about you

She yearns for you every day

In her mind, you're waiting for her, you can't stop thinking about her either

So she comes back

Independent from everyone else, she flies back to where you are

She imagines you in your room, unchanged from the teenager you were when she left, depressed and sulking, waiting for her

What she gets is much different

Your childhood home is empty

Your parents are graying, and your room is nothing more than a relic

She finds you in the American dream

A white house with a white picket fence, a dog running around in your backyard

Inside, she can see a little boy, no older than two, running around and playing with some toys

A man sits on the couch, smiling ear to ear as he watches the little boy, even participating in his games from time to time

And then you

Glowing, older now, you filled out so beautifully

You're standing in the doorway, looking upon your beautiful scene, a hand rests around your pregnant belly

She has to leave

She's caught between anger, happiness, sadness, and everything in between

That should have been her

That should have been her life, you should have been hers

She doesn't know if she wants to be you or be with you

Both, preferably

The last time you ever hear from Rosalie is when a package shows up at your front door, easily a million dollars, with a note that says "Take care of your babies"

Emmett:

His reason for leaving is a bit more simple

The Cullens have spent all of their years in your town, they can't stay there any more

And, simply, you can't come with them

You have a life, you're human, and not one of them intends on turning you

It's a hard decision for him to leave you

He loves you so much

But you deserve to live a human life

One day, a couple of years later, Alice gets a vision about you

Not necessarily about you, but you're in the background

She tells Emmett instantly

He doesn't even care that you're not the one primarily in danger, he has to go to you

So he books a plane ticket and away he goes

It doesn't take him long to find you

But what he sees is shocking

You're so happy

Married, a mom, a beautiful house, the perfect life

He doesn't want to disturb your bubble of peace, but he has to talk to you, he needs it like air

He's so scared when he knocks on your door

And you are shocked to say the least

The Cullens felt like a fever dream from your teenage years, and yet here he is, the man you loved so long ago

He comes in and tells you about Alice's vision, telling you to be careful

He intends to leave after that, but he can't

He asks you one last time if you want to come with him

It's selfish, he knows, but he needs to know

When you say no, that's it

Esme:

She knew from the beginning that you didn't belong in their lives

It would always be too dangerous for you

You would never be safe

You can't have both sides

Either you're human and stay far away from vampires, or you're a vampire too

She would never turn you, so the answer was obvious

The Cullens left without so much as a warning, and you were heartbroken

You tried to call, email, text, hunt them down, anything you could do

But it was all pointless

Years passed by, and Esme still thought of you every day

Finally, her curiosity got the better of her

She flew out to see you, to visit a little, chat a bit, have some closure

But when she sees you with a husband and a baby, her plans deflate

She can't bring herself to see you

She's caught between all kinds of emotions

Anger that she left, sadness that you have moved on, but happiness that you are happy

She does meet with you, she finally texts you back after so many years, asking to go get some coffee

If she can't be with you, then she would at least like to be your friend

Carlisle:

He was never supposed to fall for you in the first place

But he did

He knew he couldn't take you with him

And he has already been so selfish the past

He turned Edward because he was lonely and wanted a companion, he turned Esme because he loved her, and he turned Rosalie because he wanted Edward to have someone too

He couldn't turn you too

So he tried his best to break it off with you

But you weren't having it

So he left

But now he's back

Not in your town, but a couple of towns over

He tries his best not to think about you, to not wonder what you're doing, if you miss him too

One night he gets a call from the hospital in your town, their normal doctor is gone on vacation and they have no one else who is qualified to deliver a baby

So of course he packs his stuff immediately and is on the way

Imagine his shock when he gets there and sees you

Your husband by your side, a small boy in his arms crying out for his mama, a nurse next to you holding your hand and trying to calm you down

From the look in your eyes, you recognize him too

But now's not the time

He gets to work, trying to only think about delivering this baby safely, not about whose baby this is

Only after it's all over and you're holding your beautiful baby girl, does he truly take in the scene in front of him

He wishes so much that this could be him

That he was the man holding your hand and soothing your older baby

That he was the one who was stroking your hair and telling you how well you did

He wishes he was the one you would go home with later

But he's not

He mutters a small congratulations and leaves

And that's the last time you ever see him

Vampire! Bella:

She always thought Edward was dramatic

Yeah, she was clumsy, but she wasn't in any serious danger when he was around

In fact, she was safer when he was around

But now she gets it

Yes, you are safer when she's around

But none of these threats would even be posed to you if she had never been around at all

She apologizes to Edward afterward

And she asks the Cullens to leave

She wants you to be safe, first and foremost

She sits you down and tells you why before she leaves

It's not easy, but she knows she would have preferred a conversation from Edward rather than him just leaving

You cry, you scream, but she leaves anyway

When she comes back years later she expects you to be the same as she was

Young, sad, waiting

Only you're not her

You never were

When she sees you, your husband's arm wrapped around you as you both watch your son play on the playground, it finally sets in

What she wanted to happen actually did

You moved on

You made a better life for yourself

Without her

Despite everything telling her not to, she goes to you

You both talk for a while, you're upset, rightfully so

But the more you talk about your life now, one that's always changing and evolving, she finds herself yearning for humanity

Wishing she could turn back the clock, if only to be with you

The subtle lines on your face, your growing figure, she wishes she could evolve with you

But she can't

She leaves after that

Unknown to you, she keeps tabs, watching as you grow from afar, wishing that she could be there with you

[gohandinhand]

Almost exactly one year since everything splintered into a Before and an After. I’ve been struggling to come up with the right words - how do you encapsulate the hardest year of your life, tie it up pretty with a ribbon for presentation?

Much of it is gone anyway, lost to the tricks depression plays on the brain. I think I’m thankful for that, for the agonies which only exist in the pages of the little yellow journal I sealed into an archival bag several months ago. The agonies which rebuilt me - through carefully curated messages of desperation I sent to friends to pull me through my lowest moments, in the studies I pored over trying to understand why suicide can be contagious, as though understanding was the key to finding a way out of the dark - exist in a time far enough behind me to find thankfulness both that they happened and that they are done.

I am here a year later a different person, still grieving but with a mind no longer on the opposing team - brain literally rewired over two months of being zapped with powerful electromagnetic pulses - left wondering:

How do we share the love and the grief that are now forever one, while honoring the deeply held reverence they had for their privacy?

I don’t know. I think, perhaps, there is no right answer. For now, I cry a little extra every time I read the Beijing chapter because you never will again. I speak of you, present tense, when WoT unexpectedly becomes a topic and for a moment you are present, somewhere just behind me. I flip through the pages of a book, I kiss Simon’s forehead, I stare at the ocean, I cradle a pan of PB33, I feel the moss under my toes and I smile even as I miss you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

How lucky we are to love people, the possibility they hold to be both catalysts for anguish and the path out of it. The conclusion of the hardest year of my life, simply: it’s worth it. These friendships, even if they exist solely in a screen, they are worth it. Grab hold.

Bring them out of the screen, if you are lucky enough. Talk on the phone every week. Walk through the botanical gardens together, sit and chat by a lily pond. Fly across the country to squeeze in a weekend together to put your feet in a creek and dress up and go to ren fest. Let me convince you to come for a weekend so we can walk through a dark corn maze and carve pumpkins in each others presence. Go to the tidepools together and hang out with my cats and marvel at the hail. Come to the aquarium for my birthday. We are so lucky to have all of it, every moment, even if it ends. Especially when it ends.

I love you all. I miss you, Em.

[shin-meddlesome-hero]

Some notes on Char’s Counterattack while it’s still fresh in my brain and right before I watch video-essays about how I didn’t understand the movie. (With spoilers)

For starters, it was as gay as promised. I’ve seen the Charmuro scuffle scene like a million times and it turned out to actually be gayer in context. For me, this is the aftermath of a very bitter and harsh divorce. The thing is already unsalvageable. They still try to talk it out every time they’re near each other, but Amuro is about to give up on Char completely (if he hasn’t, already). He even tells Lalah that he doesn’t want to be with that guy for all eternity as newtype ghosts, that’s how done he’s with Char.

As with Char, it feels that we needed another anime season or at least a couple of OVA’s to explain how he got there. I know that it had something to do with how disillusioned he was by the events at the end of Zeta, but the movie feels like it needed to give more context about him. It’s very clear that his ideals take a back seat in favor of his real motivations. He just wants to get back at the universe. Would trowing a meteor and freezing Earth actually help Earth’s restoration and humanity’s evolution? Did he stop to think that by doing such thing he’ll get Sayla and Kamille killed? Or was he too far gone to care about anyone that isn’t Lalah and maybe Amuro?

This may be unintentional but it’s amusing that the first part of Quess Paraya’s arc looks like a teen girl’s power fantasy: she meets Amuro, she gets adopted by Char, she happens to be the most special Newtype who becomes an ace pilot in a few days, there’s two boys after her, Char entrusts her to act on special missions and she even gets to kill her lousy dad. Under this framework it makes sense that she acts so selfishly all the time. Of course this later takes a dark turn when she starts feeling all the horrors of war and eventually gets killed by one of the older women she antagonized. Despite her not being a nice person at all, she was only a kid who was affected by her family situation and desperately needed a father figure. Amuro was honest enough to realize that he couldn’t fulfill that need (and he didn’t have to), on the other hand, Char admits that he took advantage of her and used her as a machine. He would’ve never done that to Kamille, that’s how low he’s fallen.

Finally, Char’s last words were about how Lalah Sune could’ve been a mother to him, showing that at the end he was unable to get over both his mother’s and Lalah’s death, which is very tragic from a man that most of the time came out as Larger than Life. However, none of this justifies his actions. Char’s Counterattack was the last piece in the puzzle that is Char Aznable, and after watching it, all I can conclude is that he’s kind of a loser, isn’t he?

(Yes, I’m aware that it’s way more complicated than that, there’s still much to say about how he projected on Amuro and the nature of his relationships with other characters of the franchise among other topics like Amuro’s growth and Hathaway’s arc, but these are just preliminary thoughts. I may do a more thoughtful review once I write more about Zeta and ZZ. Also those video essays about how I Don’t Understand Char are still on my to-watch list, my perspective could change after getting through all that).

[angryspacegirl]

@scnzoku

She'd slept like the dead the night before, having passed out shortly after returning to the sleeping quarters she'd be sharing with Caulifla for the 299 days to come. When she awoke, early in the morning of their second day inside the time-distorted mini-dimension, her friend was still resting, so Serori grabbed a few things to eat and flew off, away from the building, so as not to wake her. It was all fake, of course, the mountaintops and rivers of the Planet Vegeta inside this room, but that didn't make it any less beautiful, she thought, as she bit into a helping of bread stuffed thick with meats and cheeses.

"What am I going to do with myself," she muttered, tearing into another bite with a sharp ripping motion, like an animal devouring some fresh kill. Everything had been too fine, until it wasn't. She'd crash-landed on Earth, and in the months that followed, things turned out better than she could have expected. She found a place to live, with another Saiyan woman hosting her when she would have had every right to try and beat her ass. She'd made friends - with Venan, at least, if not necessarily every member of her friend group. She'd fought and won in an Earth tournament, and her training had been coming along well enough - her growth steady, if a bit unspectacular.

And then, somewhere along the line, things had fallen apart. It would have been easy to blame Grendine for all of it - he was the one who messed with her head, he was the one who amplified her negative emotions, he was the one who directly lead to her killing all those Earthlings. Venan, too, could shoulder some blame - too concerned with parties and shirking her duties to step in and help her when she most needed help.

But, Serori herself was abrasive, ill-tempered, touchy about far too many topics, and on a hair trigger when it came to everything. How many times had the moment been fine, even intimate or warm, until she'd flown off the handle at some minor transgression and ruined everything? It was hard to take, but Serori couldn't ignore her own role in everything. If she'd been kinder, or more understanding, if she'd let others in instead of pushing them away with ki-powered fists and sharp words, things could have been different.

So where did that leave her? As she looked out over the sights of the false Planet Vegeta, there was no easy, obvious answer. The only thing Serori could think of was moving forward, however she could. This wasn't the first time this had happened. She'd left her community behind as a teen, and she'd lost everyone on Ikonda. This was just another rotten thing that she'd have to accept. She'd told Venan she never wanted to see her again, and Shuko had gone back to her own time. Kousa had left, never to be seen again. Nixxo and Suu wanted to go home, even if there wasn't anything for Serori there, and Venan's friends had scattered. The kids she'd been training had all moved on to their own things, their own goals, and Maki... Well, she still loved Maki, but, things were as they were. All she could do now was put that all behind her, as she'd put her mother, her childhood ship, even Tanma and Nagi, behind her, and focus on Caulifla - someone who was still here, and did still want her around.

Besides, Caulifla was nipping at her heels. If she wasn't careful, that little pineapple would surpass her, and she couldn't have that just yet.

---

Day 200. It had been two hundred days since she and Caulifla entered, and each one had been filled with training, broken up only for meals and small moments of rest and relaxation. Whether she'd gotten particularly stronger, Serori couldn't say - she'd been in a rut for a while, but it was also hard to see her own progress from her limited point of view. At the very least, she'd been able to keep up with her student, avoiding the worst case scenario of Caulifla leaving her in the dust, even with that purple form of hers. In fact, at this particular moment, she'd managed to catch her boot clean across Caulifla's cheek, purple form be damned.

"Hey! Focus up!" Serori could talk and fight at the same time, her landed kick followed up by a knee strike, and a series of ki-enhanced punches that she didn't expect to land cleanly, but could at least force Caulifla to stay on her toes unless she wanted to get smacked around. "I know you're not thinking of something else while we're training." And if she was, she'd regret that when the full force of a Super Saiyan of Serori's caliber pressed down on her. "Or is this much training finally at your limit?" That definitely wasn't true. Caulifla barely had limits, in Serori's estimation, but coming down hard on her when she was slipping up would hopefully yank her attention back.

[cybernightart]

Genji head cannons number I already forgot

1.

Unless Genji is actively in ninja mode, in the mindset of controlling every single movement he does and being aware of everything happening around him, he can be incredibly clumsy.

Like accidentally dropping something, if he's not dodging then getting nailed on the side of the head with a snowball, tripping over himself, bumping his hip off the corner of a counter, falling off of things constantly (this one would happen a lot more considering the other head cannon of him unintentionally always just perching on things like a bird like the back of the couch), etc. With a prime example of this being the time kiriko retales about him tripping over his sword in training and just (how I imagine atleast) completely and totally faceplanting

So unless he is actively in the zone and the mindset, you would hardly know he has insane reaction time, to move really quickly, can dodging deflect like no one's business, or just move in general at incredible speed. If the adrenaline isn't pumping, you wouldn't be able to tell at first glance he was a ninja assassin trained from birth. He's just zoned out half of the time, or he's just so intently focusing on listening to someone that he's unaware of everything else around him.

Also on multiple occasions he would do the thing of accidentally dropping his phone and in the process of trying to catch it accidentally slaps it into a wall instead of the carpeted floor it would have landed on.

2.

Genji is really intelligent, if he had gone to normal school, like Angela he would have been considered a prodigy. He was the one who built his collapsible shurikens and original wearable shuriken deploying gauntlet, he couldn't use technically terms, or even really explain how he did it but he could show it / draw it out. Drawing detailed diagrams explaining his thought prosses, but not really able to put into words his explanation for each part or how he figured out how to get it to work.

He has a deep understanding of mechanics and some robotics even before becoming a cyborg. This knowledge only grew once he became a cyborg and drying his travels had to repair himself. And in his time during black watch and OverWatch before the fall, he learned even more from talking with Angela, torb and other members of the cybernetics team.

And even though he's incredibly smart and eventually incredibly wise. He can come off as somewhat dimwitted, with him not picking up on jokes/sarcasm, being amazed by the smallest things, or not understanding things others would think is obvious.

He comes off as a trained killer assassin who knows about fighting and combat, and other things nessessary for being a ninja. But outside of that specific area he wouldn't know much.

But naturality when you get to know him, he's incredibly knowledgeable on a lot of things, and academically really gifted as well. (Maybe not as much in geometry as compared to Hanzo anyways lol) if it came down to it he could do really complicated equations with ease or understand a lot of science-based subjects, but this would mainly show through his knowledge on dinosaurs if he got to talk about it. Like if someone were to mess up a time period you would politely correct them and then quickly and efficiently inform them about all the intricacies and specific details about the differences between the time periods and what dinosaurs were in those periods and the climates during each period and more.

This also shows through the conversations getting Angela would have on base during the night, has Angela explained all of her medical research Genji would listen intently and ask relevant questions, and is genuinely very interested in learning more. This is helped person being a quick learner and can be able to pick up concepts he's interested in really quickly. Maybe even going as far to do his own research in between their conversations so he could come back with more topics for them to discuss and he could ask questions on. Similarly, he can be incredibly witty and sarcastic (even if he doesn't pick up on sarcasm himself sometimes), just overall be a totally smartass, which possibly played abit in the clan elders wanting him killed aside from the "liability" thing.

Long short Genji gives off himbo energy but is in fact very smart, dumbass yes, but also smart(ass) ...also his version of common sense it's incredibly different due to his up bringing which also causes half of his issues

[yukidragon]

Hey yuki, I have a question...actually two questions about the game something's wrong with sunny day jack. First: how did jack not find out about ian during these months that he's been with Sunshine? after all, her cell phone WOULD NOT STOP ringing because of ian's constant calls and voicemails, how come jack didn't hear about ian well before the middle of the demo?

Second: And do you think the protagonist has a certain "emotional dependency"? because even if she doesn't forgive ian for what he did to her, she supposedly misses him, yes, because when jack asked if she missed him, she is kind of silent, I interpreted that as a "Yes" . What's more, we already know that she doesn't feel good when it comes to the subject of "Love".

Before I answer your questions, I’d like to take the time to make sure this lovely picture is credited to the game’s creator Sauce. Even though I didn’t post it this time, I always want to make sure they get due credit for their hard work.

Anyway, onto your first question. It’s a pretty good one. In fact, MC wonders about that topic in the demo as well:

Did I ever tell Jack about Ian? Now that I’d thought about it…The subject really hadn’t come up formally. Which. Is a bit odd, considering Ian’s room remained (mostly) undisturbed, and right across the hall from my own. It was same as it had always been, minus what he took with him when he moved to a fancy performing arts school in another state… I hadn’t been in there since the breakup. But had Jack never wondered either?

It seems as though Jack was waiting for MC to bring the topic up. By not prying into their personal business (at least not obviously) he can be supportive and a good friend, earning their trust.

However, it seems those messages from Ian and seeing his room and clothing every day didn’t affect MC like talking to him directly on the phone did. It was such a painful incident that Jack is clearly worried about them. Maybe he was waiting for MC to talk about Ian on their own, but after seeing how much pain Ian put MC through, it’d be reason for him to push a little harder in order to relieve them of this pain.

Of course, I’m pretty sure Jack would have done his own research into Ian, so to speak. He wants to show only his best sides to his sunshine, so anything that might be less than pleasant is something that is best left where they can’t see it. It’s for their own good of course!

Jack might have already gone through Ian’s room on his own. Heck, MC could have let Jack sleep in Ian’s room until they started sharing a bed platonically. It’s really up to interpretation if the game doesn’t specify how the first few months of their living situation went.

So, yeah, I’m pretty sure Jack already had at least some idea about Ian before he officially brings up the topic; he was just being considerate to MC’s privacy... at least as far as they know.

For the second question... I think that’s heavily hinted in the demo. Though MC is trying their best to abandon all things nostalgic in a reckless manner, likely to try and abandon their feelings for Ian... they still live in the place they got together. Ian’s room has been (presumably) untouched. Most of their wardrobe consists of Ian’s clothes. Given how desperate their financial situation is, he might still be paying for half (or more) of the rent. They still listen to the messages and haven’t blocked him.

There was also the conversation MC and Ian had. MC is angry and hurt, but they didn’t hang up right away. They didn’t yell or say anything that would push Ian away. They made their anger clear, and they voiced their doubts that he can fix things between them... but they’re not ending things completely.

Part of it, I think, is because of Ian’s pleading. They have a history together. They know each other better than anyone. They are in tune with each other, as the afterlife episode showed. They understand each other.

Which makes it so, so much easier for Ian to manipulate MC’s emotions.

It might not be conscious on his part... but the things Ian says in the phone calls are pretty manipulative. It’s understandable since he doesn’t want to lose MC. He claims he needs them and can’t go on without them. He’s emotionally dependent on them.

I think, to some extent, Ian and MC had an underlying level of unhealthy co-dependency going on. Now, how much there is depends on the specific MC and our own headcanons, but we can see in the game from how much talking to him and thinking about him hurts MC... They want to move on, but they miss him.

Ian was MC’s only relationship, and we see some troubling things from MC when it comes to love, mostly in how they feel they’re not deserving. Maybe that’s just from the betrayal they experienced when the person they loved and trusted most cheated on them... or maybe it hints at an underlying toxicity to their relationship.

When Jack asked MC if they missed Ian, that silence was absolutely a yes. I think it was also them not wanting to miss him. They want to move on, but Ian won’t let them.

I think what Ian did to MC is a big part of why MC clings to Jack so desperately in any route. They are lonely and felt bad for so long... and Jack came to make them feel good. He supports them, makes them happy, and fills the hole in their heart that Ian left behind.

Whether or not Jack is a rebound though or can become something healthier though depends on the route taken in the end in the game. I know which one I’m going with for Sunshine in Hell because I like the idea of two flawed and wounded individuals helping each other heal and grow stronger together.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars @cheriihoney @illary-kore @okamiliqueur

[plumoh]

a prayer and a coin; chapter 3

Natsume Yuujinchou & Noragami crossover fic.

Rating: G Wordcount: 3603 Characters in this chapter: Natsume & Yato, a bit of Nora Summary: Takashi's guardians have been angrier than usual—Yatogami probably has a solution, right? AO3 link -- Previous chapter

Takashi knows that something is wrong in the house. His aunt, even if she has never been particularly warm towards him, keeps glaring at him whenever she sees him, and his uncle shouts more and more at every inconvenience he encounters. They aren’t the best people Takashi has been living with, but they are nice enough—they feed him and gave him a room to stay in, despite the fact the apartment is small.

So he doesn’t understand why they are suddenly acting angry for no apparent reason. Breakfast time is uncomfortable, each member at the table keeping their eyes glued to their plate while the silence is slowly suffocating them. Takashi doesn’t dare say anything and shovels rice into his mouth to leave the table as fast as possible.

“I’ll be home late tonight,” his uncle grunts.

“Tonight, like yesterday, and every other day of the week,” his aunt sneers.

“It’s not my fault my boss makes us work overtime!”

“I already told you months ago you should change jobs!”

“As if it’s that simple!”

Takashi picks up the last piece of tomato, barely chews it before swallowing, then gathers all his plates to put them in the sink. Then, he grabs his backpack by the genkan, hastily puts on his shoes and shuts the door behind him as quietly as possible. His aunt and his uncle are locked into a fight and they won’t realize he’s gone. The first time it happened, a week and a half ago, Takashi was sure he’d get scolded for leaving without saying goodbye first—but they didn’t reprimand him in the evening and acted like nothing was wrong.

His guardians’ outbursts are more frequent day after day and it’s starting to get worrying. Takashi has no idea what he should do, and stepping in in their fights sounds like a recipe for disaster; he has no right to meddle when the topic of their conversation doesn’t concern him at all. He doesn’t have anyone to reach out for help.

On his way to school, he always passes by a payphone. He’s never truly noticed it before, but ever since he met Yatogami, he thinks that he’s lucky to have a phone just within reach in case he needs anything. Maybe…

Takashi pats his pockets, fishes out a few coins and inserts them in the machine. He takes out the slip of paper with Yatogami’s number on it, copies each digit with care, and waits. There is one ring, then two, and Yatogami picks up.

“Hi, thank you for calling, this is the delivery god Yato! Fast, cheap and reliable, I’m at your service!”

Perhaps Yatogami should change up his welcoming phrase from time to time?

“Yato-sama, it’s Takashi.”

“Oh Takashi! You weren’t kidding when you said you’d call sometimes.”

“Well… I can handle whatever I see on the streets, but today I’m calling because my aunt and my uncle are acting strange. They suddenly got angry for no reason and it has been going on for almost two weeks. I don’t know what to do.”

The line is silent for a moment, then Yatogami hums.

“They’re not usually angry, you say? Are you sure they aren’t just fighting because of some problem they have?”

“It doesn’t sound like it. One day my uncle started shouting and my aunt immediately got upset, which doesn’t happen usually.”

“Did you notice some ayakashi hanging around your house?”

Takashi feels dread and shame overwhelm him in equal parts. He hasn’t even thought about ayakashi causing harm to people this way.

“I’ve always thought that the monsters wanted to hurt us by eating us,” he mumbles.

“Yeah, well, some youkai and ayakashi do eat people, but ayakashi corrupt them by amplifying their negative emotions first. And when those people are too far gone, they get absorbed. So eaten.”

Takashi almost drops the phone. “There are ayakashi who are trying to eat my aunt and uncle?!”

“Hey, calm down, kid. I, uh…” There is some shuffling in the background, like Yatogami is moving around to speak somewhere else. “I can’t come right now, but I’ll swing by later, alright? Probably in the evening or in the middle of the night, so don’t wait up for me. Just put a coin in the genkan for payment.”

“What…are you going to do?”

“I can kill the ayakashi and stop them from affecting your guardians. Don’t worry, it’s an easy job for me.”

And the thing is, Takashi trusts Yatogami more than he’s ever trusted anyone else. He doesn’t know who he is, what he does on the regular or what kind of god he actually is, but Takashi keenly feels drawn to him. Yatogami tells him everything will be fine, and Takashi believes him.

“Okay,” he says, a little more reassured, and so relieved to have found a solution. “Thank you for always taking up my requests.”

Yatogami snorts. “Business is business! See you later, Takashi.”

Yatogami is the one who hangs up first. He’s most likely in the middle of another job judging by his hasty exit, which is good news for him, since he wants to earn money. Takashi should ask him sometime why he needs money so badly. (Surely a god doesn’t have to buy food or a house with real, human money? Do they really collect the money used for prayers at temples?)

Takashi hangs up, smiling to himself, and goes to school with a lighter heart.

-----

During dinner, Takashi notices that there are indeed ayakashi riding on his guardians’ shoulders. He wonders if they were hiding up until now, or if they only come out at night to…absorb the negative emotions? Takashi keeps a careful eye on them, but they seem too busy being delighted at feasting upon the anger that’s consuming their targets.

He’s not worried. The ayakashi aren’t that big, and Yatogami said he’d take care of it. His aunt’s drawn out features tell him she’s becoming exhausted day after day, and his uncle’s frown gets deeper with each passing hour. If Takashi didn’t call for help, he’s not sure that the situation would have been resolved by itself.

On his way to his room, he drops a 5-yen coin in the genkan next to his shoes. Even if his guardians find the coin before Yatogami arrives, they probably won’t bother picking it up—Yatogami’s low price has some advantages, after all. No one would expect that such a small coin could buy so much.

Takashi only hopes that whatever Yatogami plans on doing won’t be dangerous for anyone involved.

-----

“...sure you want to do it?”

“It’s just a regular job. I have to find the ayakashi and kill them.”

Takashi’s eyes flutter open. There are voices coming from the living room.

“You’re spending too much energy on such foolish jobs. The ayakashi might not even be present in this house. You know you don’t need to grovel at people’s feet to survive if you come back.”

“We’ve talked about it, I don’t want to repeat myself over and over.”

It’s Yatogami. He’s with someone—a young girl, by the sound of her voice, and Takashi wonders if it’s the sleepy haze in his mind that makes him think Yatogami isn’t really happy to be here. Or maybe he isn’t happy with the person who is accompanying him.

Takashi slips out of his futon and pads over his door to press his ear against it. He can hear their conversation more clearly, now that they are heading towards his way, most likely to reach his guardians’ room which is at the end of the corridor.

“That boy. It seems that he remembers you, if he called you multiple times already.”

“Spying on me when you’re bored, Nora? You’re always sticking your nose in my business.”

“Father is worried, that is all. He wants to make sure you’re not running to your death with every ridiculous plan you come up with.”

Nora. What a strange name; is she a god as well?

Yatogami’s voice doesn’t raise at all, but Takashi hears irritation starting to seep into it.

“Yeah, of course.”

“You already promised, anyway.” There is laughter in Nora’s voice.

Takashi doesn’t understand what they’re talking about, but he knows that Yatogami isn’t acting like he usually does. He sounds so cold and subdued, in a way that makes Takashi feel sad for him. Hopefully he will be able to cheer himself up after tonight.

(Takashi also hopes that Yatogami’s strange mood isn’t due to his request. He should call tomorrow to make sure everything is alright.)

Yatogami and Nora don’t say a word more, silently walking towards the room in the back. Their footsteps stop right in front of the door, or so Takashi assumes—it’s not easy to make out what a god is doing, when they’re trying their hardest to be quiet and invisible. In some twisted way, gods and youkai aren’t so different; they’re living their life right under ordinary people’s nose and those who can’t see them will never be able to figure out what is the cause of the odd events happening around them.

“Hiki.”

The word leaves Yatogami’s mouth just as the doorknob creaks, and from then on all Takashi can hear is hurried footsteps and things banging against walls.

Takashi’s stomach drops and panic seizes him—what if his guardians wake up because of the noise? What if Yatogami breaks something during whatever exorcism he’s doing? Is Yatogami trying to kill the ayakashi? Surely there is a more discreet method to get rid of them! 

For a full minute, Takashi’s heart hammers against his ribcage and his ears are loudly ringing as he listens to the commotion in the room. For a full minute, it sounds like an animal is being chased by a bigger prey, leaving behind sounds of a voice squeaking and wood groaning.

Then, silence.

Takashi’s heartbeat is louder than anything in the night. He puts his forehead against the door, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. He shouldn’t have made this request.

“That was a quick job well done. Return, Hiiro.”

Something touches the floorboards in an almost imperceptible noise, like a feather dropping on water.

“You haven’t complimented my skills in a long time,” Nora says, in that odd cheerful voice that makes Takashi’s skin prickle. “That boy must be truly important to you.”

“I just didn’t want the people sleeping in the bed right next to us to wake up because we broke something. And I know you like being the best there is among regalia, so.”

Yatogami doesn’t finish his sentence, but Nora seems content to absorb the words as they are. Takashi is too dazed by the events to properly make his mind come back to his brain—all he knows is that he didn’t make a mistake, and his guardians are wholly unaware of what just occurred. He hasn’t felt so much stress in his life before.

Yatogami and Nora pass in front of his room once more, then the door of the apartment opens.

“What are you doing, Yato?”

“Takashi left the coin next to his shoes.”

Nora doesn’t reply, but it seems that she patiently waits for Yatogami to finish whatever he’s doing. When the door quietly closes behind them, Takashi breathes.

-----

It hasn’t been easy to go back to sleep after the night he’s spent. He hasn’t seen any of what actually happened, but the conversation between Yatogami and Nora left Takashi puzzled and with a lot of questions. He never thought before that there could be more to the world of youkai and ayakashi than what he sees every day; maybe gods do live a life much like humans, with their own sets of problems and people to look after. Nora sounded like someone close to Yatogami.

Takashi tries not to yawn or rub his eyes during breakfast. His guardians look healthier and they haven’t shouted once since they woke up, so Takashi considers his request fulfilled. His aunt even smiles at him and gives him an extra egg.

“Don’t forget to take your sports clothes,” she says.

“I have my clothes in another bag,” Takashi answers. “It’s in the genkan with my school bag.”

“Good. I don’t want you to cause trouble to the teachers.”

Takashi nods stiffly, and eats the egg. He knows what this sentence means—don’t cause trouble to the teachers, so you won’t cause trouble to the family. He knows that all his relatives talk about him among themselves to find the best way to make him stop attracting problems.

He thinks that he’s gotten better at avoiding youkai, though. None of them has entered the apartment for weeks and he didn’t come across angry youkai waiting for him at the end of the school day. Following Yatogami’s advice truly helped him spend more normal days, but he can’t say any of this to his guardians.

As usual, he clears his plate and puts it in the kitchen sink before going into the genkan to put on his shoes. When he reaches for them, he stops short and blinks. There is a piece of paper in one of them, neatly folded in a small square. Takashi gently works it open, and he feels himself starting to grin, his heart full.

Thanks for doing business with me ✩ Take care, Takashi!

The note isn’t signed, but it isn’t necessary. The fact that Yatogami bothered at all truly makes Takashi feel like the call he made all those weeks ago is the best thing that has happened to him in a long while.

On his way to school, he considers calling again to thank him for taking care of the ayakashi corrupting his guardians, but he imagines that Yatogami must be overwhelmed with requests and doesn’t have the time to simply chat with a customer. Though if Takashi bumps into him in a temple or even in the street, it will be a lot more satisfying to talk and interact with him—so he goes on about his day, a little brighter, a little happier.

-----

Right when classes end, Takashi runs outside and makes a detour to the local temple. A curious youkai watches him from afar, hidden behind a tree, but hasn’t shown any signs of taking a special interest in him, so Takashi ignores it and tries not to look too anxious while doing so. He’s getting better at pretending to be a normal boy, but he suspects that youkai always know he’s different anyway, since they never stop staring.

The temple grounds are devoid of a tracksuit-wearing god, unfortunately. There was only a slim chance that Takashi would meet Yatogami again in the same place, around the same time, but it couldn’t hurt to try. Many visitors are praying at the offering box; with so many prayers and money to collect, Takashi does hope there is an actual deity watching over them to fulfill all these wishes.

Takashi goes back home and tries the phone number. He really doesn’t want to bother Yatogami, but he needs to express his gratitude. He pulls out the piece of paper from his pocket, dials the number, and waits. Waits for one ring, two rings, three rings. Nothing. Yatogami is probably busy. A little disappointed, Takashi puts back the handset and decides to try tomorrow.

-----

Yatogami doesn’t pick up the following day. He doesn’t pick up either two days later, and doesn’t show up anywhere in the neighborhood.

It’s starting to worry Takashi. Something must have happened to him—an ayakashi corruption? a youkai attacking him? Takashi doubts Yatogami is the kind of person who forgets to call back someone after receiving multiple missed calls.

At dinner, for a few days in a row, his uncle asks him mundane questions about school (it’s fine), friends (also fine, Takashi is used to staying on the sidelines) and how he likes the city (better than expected). He has that thoughtful look on his face that Takashi can’t decipher, like there is a difficult choice to make and his uncle is finally seeing what he should do. His aunt is giving him smiles, but Takashi feels that something is…wrong. These piercing yet neutral looks they give him make him feel like there are thousands of ants crawling in his body.

That feeling is familiar and Takashi, down to his core, already knows what will happen. 

Takashi doesn’t understand. He hasn’t caused any problems for his guardians in months, he hasn’t broken anything in the house and he doesn’t ask for things that aren’t school supplies. They never seemed to…to consider him a burden to take care of. So why?

A week later, his uncle tells him over breakfast, “I finally quit my job. We’re going to move to another city, and we can’t take you with us.” He waves his chopsticks around in an offhand manner. “We’ve been discussing this for a while. You’re going to go to one of my cousins who lives here, not too far actually. You’ll be able to go to the same school.”

A small comfort, Takashi thinks numbly. It’s not too bad. He doesn’t have to leave the city and get acquainted with new places and new people.

“They already have a room for you,” his aunt says as kindly as possible, though Takashi still hears a drop of relief in her voice. “We can visit them this weekend, and then you'll move in next week. That gives you plenty of time to pack your things.”

“Thank you,” Takashi says without thinking twice, not knowing what else to answer in front of those two earnest, satisfied faces.

They aren't bad people, of course. They've taken care of him and they weren't as irritated as his previous guardians; they are one of the most comfortable families Takashi has lived with so far. He can't blame them for wanting to live elsewhere, with maybe a child of their own, after giving so much of their time for him.

It's okay. He's used to it. And, like his uncle said, he won't even move to another city.

That night, after the moon's risen high in the sky, Takashi tiptoes to the living room and uses the phone. There's no harm in trying again, even if all his calls never connected for the past week. With each key that his finger presses, his heart beats louder and his stomach twists itself into tighter and tighter knots. He's hoping too much. He knows how this call will end.

It rings, and rings, and rings. No recipient. No voicemail.

The window's slightly ajar, to let the night breeze in despite the cold weather. Takashi can hear the quiet howling of the wind in the silence.

That night, more than any other day, Takashi feels alone. He slowly puts the phone back on the stand, staring at the figures making up the phone number that he has now learned by heart. Did he imagine all of this? Did he finally lose his mind, and his brain tricked him into thinking that there was a solution to youkai and ayakashi—a solution that involved having someone listen to him? Yatogami probably doesn't even exist. There are no gods who answer every human’s whims through a simple phone call. Shrines are built for a reason.

Takashi lets his legs bring him back to his room, and when he slips into his futon, he squeezes his eyes shut and wishes that the last months never happened.

-----

Days blur together. Takashi wakes up, eats breakfast, goes to school, runs away from the occasional youkai, and does his homework. He has always lived that way, task after task and event after event, with nothing to look forward to.

There isn't much to pack in his room—a small box with some clothes and books, his school backpack and the shoes he's wearing. The box has been used for years now, and Takashi is surprised that it hasn't broken yet after moving so many times. Then again, it's not as if he fills it to the brim. He places the items carefully into it and rearranges them so that nothing will get damaged during the car trip, though he most likely doesn't need to be so meticulous about it for such a short trip.

The scraps of paper hiding a phone number, scattered in his school bag and his coat, are shoved to the bottom of the box. Takashi doesn't want anyone to find them, in case they get the wrong idea and think he's in contact with someone external to their family—he doesn't want them to worry or to be angry right after settling into a new place.

Takashi prefers not to think about the phone number at all, in fact. When he reaches into his pocket and his hand closes around one of the pieces of paper, his stomach lurches and he immediately pulls back his hand. He's terrified. Everything felt so real and true, but he only has a few drawings and a phone number to prove that he hasn't had a very convincing dream. But it wouldn't be the first time a youkai pranks him either.

It's alright. He's fine. He's lived with the burden of seeing another world for years, without anyone believing him, and he has always managed by himself.

There is nothing to worry about. Takashi will say goodbye to his aunt and his uncle, introduce himself to his new guardians, make himself as small as possible in a corner of his new home, and he'll avoid strange creatures. That is his life.

[jennyboom21]

👀

*forwards to Yinzer dad in the family group chat*

The topic is bridges: those that criss-cross Pittsburgh's rivers, and those that serve as a passageway between parts of a song. Taylor Swift, the unofficial queen of bangin' bridges, is set to hit the City of Bridges on June 16 and 17 when her Eras Tour stops in Pittsburgh. At every show, Swift performs two surprise songs, some of which are catered in some way to the setting. It would make sense, then, if she sets aside a few selections from her discography with especially celebrated bridges for her Pittsburgh shows.

"Ooo, maybe we'll get 'Hits Different,'" MP tells Pittsburgh City Paper, her eyes suddenly lighting up, a sly smile crossing her face.

We probably won't, since, after this conversation, Swift scratched that one off the list in Chicago, and she doesn't do repeats. (Unless she messes up on the first try, which she did! So who knows?)

It would be fitting in so many ways, specifically for MP, 22, who's attending night one in Pittsburgh. "Hits Different" is a buried B-side from Swift's latest album, Midnights, that contains a pretty much irrefutable queer lyric, with Swift addressing her muse as an "argumentative, antithetical dream girl" at the end of the bridge. MP used this part of the song underneath a TikTok video in which she tries on a haul of Midnights merch. It received a highly-coveted "Taylor like," meaning that Taylor Swift herself (or at least Taylor Swift's account) gave it a "heart."

"Cool, Taylor Swift saw me in my boxers," MP quipped in a response video. "Definitely wasn't on my 2023 bingo card but, can't say that I'm complaining."

MP is a gaylor, so that "Taylor like" was kind of a big deal. Some see it as one of many signals Swift has sent out that she's aware of the gaylor subculture, and doesn't mind it.

Gaylor refers both to a theory and an online community of people who believe Taylor Swift is queer in some form, and that she's been intentionally — and increasingly loudly

—

flagging that in her lyrics, music videos, and performances. The gaylor community is made up of predominantly queer folks, and within that, it's majority sapphic people. Viewing Swift's art through a queer lens, gaylors have identified queer themes as well as queer references in her work. And via TikTok, Twitter, and various other online forums, they have traded ideas, decoded messages, and shared interpretations. In doing so, this group has gone far beyond simple analysis of Swift's artistry; they've taught each other the history of queer coding and lesbian culture, and fostered a sense of queer, feminist pride.

MP is one of a handful of leaders in this sphere, frequently hosting Twitter Spaces for the gaylor community, and increasingly meeting up with other gaylors in real life. She's attending six Eras Tour performances this year (maybe more), frequently bringing gaylors together along the way.

That connection is, in MP's words, the most important part.

"People think that gaylorism is about us proving that Taylor Swift is queer — that's actually the last thing on our agenda," she tells City Paper. Instead, she says, Swift is merely a vehicle to a greater understanding of queer culture, and potentially a stepping stone to changing how the concept of "coming out" is viewed.

"We're not trying to get Taylor Swift to come out, or out her, or anything," MP says. "It's saying, 'We have a person who hasn't verbally said that they're queer, but they've done all this [flagging], and why can't we accept this as a statement of queerness?' Why does it always have to be 'I'm gay' or 'I'm queer' or 'I'm lesbian' to be able to recognize queerness?"

So, what are some of these queer flags gaylors observe Swift waving? The list is extensive, fascinating, sometimes a little unhinged, but largely compelling.

Gaylors have documented countless moments in which Swift has insinuated her queerness, from screenshots of Swift's mid-aughts Myspace page, to the infamous "eye theory," to the predominance of lesbian and bi Pride colors seen throughout her Eras Tour performance.

Probably the most frequently cited piece of standalone gaylor evidence is Swift's manipulating turns of phrase to include the word "hairpin" where it otherwise wouldn't appear. Evermore's bonus track "Right Where You Left Me" includes the line, "I swear, you could hear a hairpin drop," instead of "pin drop," which is significant because the phrase "hairpin drop" historically means to drop hints that you're gay. Swift doubled down on this in a Midnights bonus track, "The Great War," in which she sings, "Your finger on my hairpin triggers," instead of "hair triggers." It's hard to see this word play as accidental, especially when "Mastermind" Swift has told us explicitly that none of it is accidental.

The popularity of gaylorism has risen sharply in recent months, when the rollout of the Midnights album began late last summer. But it's been a theory since almost the beginning of her career, picking up significant steam during her 1989 era. Shortly after that album's release in 2014, Swift was allegedly caught kissing her then-best friend Karlie Kloss during a performance by The 1975 in New York City. The incident became known as "Kissgate," and fueled rumors that the two were dating.

It's a pivotal piece of gaylor lore that led to an unexpected encounter for MP.

At an Eras Tour show she attended last month in Philadelphia, "two very brave girls," she says, threw caution to the wind.

"Behind me, I hear someone go, 'Kissgate? Kissgate?'" MP tells City Paper. She wanted to respond, "but part of me hesitated," she says. "This sounds so dramatic, but I thought, 'What if I'm being baited?'"

Some gaylors have been covert at Swift's concerts for fear of homophobia and harassment.

MP took a chance, though, turned around, and said "Yeah, Kissgate!" back, and one of the girls responded, "Oh my God, want to trade bracelets?"

Trading friendship bracelets is a big thing at the Eras Tour, and it's yet another way gaylors find each other, albeit carefully.

One of the "Kissgate" girls pulled out a stashed-away bag of bracelets and said, "Here are all my gay ones."

MP has traded plenty of gay ones, too, including one that says, "Me Out Now," a reference to the way Swift announced her lead single from the Lover album via Instagram in 2019 with a caption stating, "Me! Out now!" It just so happened to be posted on Lesbian Visibility Day.

"ME!" is MP's favorite Taylor Swift song — one of her six Taylor Swift tattoos is an ode to it — which is odd only because it's pretty much no one else's. It's a universally panned single, but "I love bubble gum pop that sounds like it's written for 5-year-olds," she says.

MP channeled her dedication to "ME!" into a one-woman campaign for Swift to play it as a surprise song at the Pittsburgh show.

"I had this genius parasocial idea to convince Taylor Swift to play 'ME!' on June 16th, and it's so perfect: It's Pride month, no one else is asking for this song ... This has been my number one surprise song since I found out she was doing surprise songs. I'm 100 percent serious about it."

When "ME!" premiered, MP hadn't fully come out yet. As time went on and she listened to it more, "I feel like the song has been there for me in my journey of queerness," she says, "and so every time I listen to it at a different time in my life, I have a new understanding of that song ... When I found queer community and found my identity, I was like, 'I am the only one of me! This song is so good!' And the music video is obviously rainbows and sunshine, so it is really just a queer bop, whether she intended it to be or not."

Ultimately, MP reiterates, gaylorism isn't actually about whether or not Taylor Swift is gay, at least anymore. "It started that way," she says, "but it's grown to so much past that." She's been told by people she's met, both online and in person, some of whom aren't out in their personal lives, that the gaylor circle is one of the few places in which they can express themselves freely.

"Gaylor gives them this opportunity to exist in a space where they can be themselves — that's what it's really about," MP says. "It's about showing the world that we can come out however we please."

[lurkingshan]

Inspired by @waitmyturtles and @nieves-de-sugui, sharing my journey through BL! Putting this under a read more because I really found a lot of words on this topic. Feel free to skim at will - now that you got me going I have a lot to say!

First, a bit of background. Three big interests of mine really converged to make BL kind of a perfect storm for me:

Romance: I have been an avid consumer of romance stories as far as back as I can remember. When I was a kid I would read several books a week and before I even hit my tween years I always gravitated to the romance genre. Add in film and television and it's safe to say I haven't gone a week of my life without consuming some form of a story about two people falling in love. It is absolutely my shit.

Asian dramas: More recent but no less intense an obsession for me. I watched my first kdrama in 2019 - my favorite gossip blogger (shoutout to Lainey) was constantly posting about a drama on Netflix (It's Okay Not to Be Okay). So I decided to try it out and I instantly fell in love. Kdramas are written nearly exclusively by women, they respect romance as a genre, and they cater to female audiences. It was unlike anything I ever experienced watching Western media. I started watching them more frequently, then when the pandemic hit I found myself with a ton of time at home and a fun new focus issue, and watching dramas with subtitles was a huge help.

Fandom: Since I was a teen I was always kind of hopping in and around internet fandom. When I like something, I like to enjoy it with others and find community around shared interests. And when I'm frustrated with media, I really like to dig into that and explore ways to fix it, so I became an avid fanfic reader, as well. Fandom to fandom my level of involvement varied - sometimes I just lurk around fandom spaces, sometimes I actually develop a presence, and in one instance I even got deeply involved in a fandom community to the point where I was posting meta, writing fic, and leading fan activities.

ANYWAY, after that long preamble, I come to the point: Because I was so into kdramas, and had watched/read a lot of Western QL romances, when I saw Where Your Eyes Linger pop up on my Viki recommendations I clicked on it. I liked it, and immediately wanted to understand more about it, because it was the first kdrama I had ever seen with a same sex pairing, and the format was so different. So I did a bit of research, and that was the first time I ever heard of BL. I was a little mind blown - there's a whole genre of QL romances in Asia??? So of course I set out to find more. I did a general search and the first thing I found was 2gether. This was June of 2021, so it was already about a year following the initial frenzy of that show, but it was still hugely popular and there was fan content about it everywhere. So I journeyed to YouTube to watch it, and that was my introduction to Thai BL and the wider genre.

From there I started looking for guidance on what to watch, and because of my time in various fandoms tumblr was always a go-to place where I knew I could find other people watching whatever obscure thing I was into. I found @absolutebl quickly and started reading their history and analysis posts on the genre. That was when it really sunk in for me how much culture and history there was to dig into, and I was really intrigued by the different styles and industries of each country. So I started working my way through their lists of the top 10 BLs from each country and it all just kind of spiraled from there.

I will not go into detail about every show I watched, but a few highlights:

TharnType: This was the first high heat BL I ever saw, and because I came over from kdramas, the first high heat Asian show I had seen, period. This show is messy and the writing was a hilarious hodgepodge of strong character work alongside absurd plotting and what I came to learn was typical Mame problematic content, but the chemistry between the leads was off the charts. It really set the bar for me in that respect, and got me looking for other examples (which at that time were mostly from Taiwan).

Theory of Love: This one inspires mixed opinions in fandom, but for me it was the first time I realized a Thai BL could not only be fun, but also good (no disrespect to other early Thai BLs but... yeah lol). There was a coherent emotional narrative arc! Smart story structure! Believable character development and earned redemption! Good actors! This one set me on a path to find the good stuff.

I Told Sunset About You: Which led me to ITSAY, the drama that convinced me BL could also be high cinema and art. This show blew me way, honestly. And got me more interested in finding the other more cinematic entries in the genre, which I mostly found from Japan.

The Untamed: When I saw this one on the list for China, I was like wait why have I heard of that? The Untamed/Mo Dao Zu Shi is one of those fandoms that is so big and ubiquitous, anyone who spends time online will have heard of it long before they know what it actually is. This show opened up a bunch of new fixations for me - a new all-time fav character, an introduction to cdramas and the xianxia/wuxia genres, and the discovery of Chinese web novels. It's a very expansive universe with a lot going on outside the romance, unlike most BLs. Which I guess can be good or bad, depending on your perspective.

Bad Buddy + Semantic Error: These are the shows I credit for fully sucking me into the BL fandom on tumblr. Before BB aired, I was just kind of lurking about (it’s right there in the handle, fam) checking a few blogs periodically for recommendations and watching shows at my own pace. But BB and then SE caused such a frenzy that I decided to start watching them live and checking tumblr every week for reactions. I found more excellent blogs (like @bengiyo @negrowhat @laowen @liyazaki) that were posting not only BB and SE content but also commentary about other shows. Eventually I gave in and created a new tumblr account so I could actually follow them instead of going to their blogs on web browser like a weirdo, and my participation in fandom escalated predictably from there.

By early 2022 I had pretty much caught up on most of the history of the genre (though not everything - I refuse to watch Waterboyyy, I do have some standards) and developed a fairly solid understanding of the cultural context around it. I then started trying to keep up with new shows. As a cishet, it wasn’t the thrill of representation that drew me into the genre as much as the thrill of finding a genre that brought together so many of my favorite things, combined with the excitement of seeing the community grow and getting the chance to learn so much from the brilliant people who were watching these shows. Checking reactions to airing shows became a weekly habit, and my watchlist kept getting longer and longer. I learned about which platforms I should be watching on and where to direct my $$ to support the genre. And I heard about so many shows I never would have known existed without this community.

So that’s me! If you made it to the end of this post you are a true champion. Thanks for inviting the conversation @waitmyturtles - it was fun to reflect!

[milobyelo]

Jake Seresin does not forget. He might forgive someone if they were really that important to him, but he never does actually forget. He remembers every single insult anyone has ever had the gall to say to his face, all the back handed compliments he ever received, or any shit he’s ever gotten from other pilots. Even stuff from his past he carries along with him through life, like a chain, that as much as it doesn’t hold him back and he’s come to live with, is still ever present.

The first time someone whose opinion he cared about had hurt him was his English teacher freshman year. His dad left their family just that summer after only ever being hardly present, never financially responsible, and a burden to his mother. As much as his father was hardly around, he could lie to himself and say if he did better he might stick around this time. But now that he was gone for good there was no one left to try for. So when Mr. Rowan would pat his shoulder after class, and gave him high fives for his participation, Jake might have preened just a little too much at the attention. Mr. Rowan just filled a father shaped hole in his life and it made him dependent, made him an idiot.

They were talking about the Greek myths topic in the textbook during his lunch when it happened.

He had been confused on why Icarus was talked about with so much fake wisdom and empathy because at the end of the day he had free will, they all do, it was his fault he got greedy.

And Mr. Rowan just gave him this look, he thinks it was meant to be empathetic but really just made him feel uncomfortable, like he was under a hot flash of attention that was suddenly being thrust upon him.

And he looked at Jake and said, “You remind me of Icarus Jake, which is why I’m sure you can’t understand him. You fly so high, and I’m proud of you for it really, but you do it with such tunnel vision that you don’t even realize you’re burning up. Everyone’s wings are made of wax, even yours. That’s why people care so much about Icarus, they understand him.”

He didn’t really understand where he was coming from at the time because he felt he was nothing like Icarus. He could never be so stupid, so greedy, that he’d die over his own pride and desire.

Now at age 30, 16 years after he’d been sat in Mr. Rowan’s classroom, he thinks he might understand where he was coming from just a little bit.

But regardless it had hurt him at the time. He felt as though his fill in father thought him incapable and inadequate. That of all the myths full of heroes and gods with great accomplishments he assigned him the selfish, greedy, stupid mortal who died for nothing. Someone only remembered for their flaws.

Jake watches the squadron from across the bar. Phoenix has her arm thrown over Bob’s shoulder (who is crouching just ever so slightly as to not inconvenience her) as the two multitask between watching Fanboy and Payback play a shitty game of pool, and have a heated debate with Coyote over god knows what (but even from this far he can see all the signs of his best friend holding back his laughter at some extravagant show of hands by Phoenix). And even Bradley who is not actively in conversation with anyone is there and clearly showing a wide smile while listening to his friends.

And Jake is on a barstool, across the bar, watching from afar.

He fucked any chance of being friends because he wanted team leader so bad.

Javy is his friend, technically, he’s the closest person he knows outside his mom and sister but he’d never tell him that. And he’s never ruin their fun night of celebrating after the mission they were all chosen for. The one he wasn’t.

Because at the end of the day they aren’t his friends and he isn’t theirs. Not in any way to how they are with each other. He knows he’s a bother even when there was a time years ago when Rooster Phoenix and Coyote spent all their nights after training with him watching movies and laughing together. Because even when there was some type of relationship that he could have had with them, some string pulling him and Rooster together before it inevitably was snapped in half, he was only ever there because Coyote convinced them to let him join. Rooster was only ever pitying him. And Phoenix hardly even kept her distain for him at bay. Even when there was some part of Jake left in Hangman they still didn’t really want him around.

But It was fine because he thought if he couldn’t be successful on the ground he’d just prove himself in the sky. And he truly thought he had team leader locked in his hands. He was Icarus flying towards his bright goal with an outstretched arm, thinking it was just right out of reach when suddenly the world seemed to snatch it away and drop him from his safe place in the sky and into the reality of the grounded world.

Because for all he is a man with wings in the sky, on the ground his feathers are wet and burned, unable to support him as he drifts along watching as everyone else goes on with their lives like he never mattered at all.

[lovekindled]

just me rambling about kevin day, trying to make sense of his character and what i'm going to focus on writing post canon <3

ok so :) kevin day. his whole thing with the ravens and riko is sooo complicated because kevin's main obsession has always been being the best at exy. and that was something that he and riko could do together. and since they needed each other, there were certain limits that riko would not cross and that made it easier for him to stay. he was arrogant with it, because even if he was number two that put him in front of most of the team. he knew the way riko treated other people (jean!!!) but it never bothered him enough to do something about it, even when he found out about his father. it took riko breaking his hand for him to decide it wasn't worth it and leave. throughout his life, the one thing that he's been consistently putting as his number one priority has been exy, even before friendship or loyalty. he does again when he escapes, even puts jean at risk knowing what will happen to him. i feel like that by running away, he's once again choosing exy because he knows riko will do anything to stop him from becoming the best. if he was scared of him before, now he's terrified of how far he'll go. i think he tries to make himself feel better about the decision by thinking that the ravens wouldn't want him anymore now that he's ruined. but he still chose to train his right hand and continue playing exy, because without it there's no point in living.

he tries to make sense of his selfishness and cowardice by convincing himself that riko won't stop at a broken hand, and if he truly wanted to erase every opportunity kevin had at exy, he could. they could ruin his reputation and make sure he never played again. he's constantly thinking about consequences and trying to stay out of riko's way even when he also wants to win and become the best. it's not until neil calls him out for it that kevin starts to realize that he's been making excuses for himself. but realizing that also means realizing all the damage he's done. i think after they win against the ravens and riko dies, it's going to take him a while to come to terms with that. to realize that he was also cruel in his own ways. i don't think he could ever have a different priority that wasn't exy, but since i want to give him the character development he deserves, he'll want to try and amend some of his past mistakes.

also another topic i want to touch on is his alcoholism. i think riko's death is going to make him struggle with it, probably out of shame because i don't think anyone would understand his process of grieving such an awful human being. but they were both raised together, were promised to succeed together, and i don't think he ever took the time to grieve that until riko's gone. there's a lot of feelings that he's been constantly pushing down and they're probably going to resurface now that he's not constantly thinking about winning or surviving. once his alcoholism threatens to mess with his play, that's when he's going to decide to do something about it. hopefully before he makes us court tbh.

[void-cloud]

So I've been ignoring my Mom all year. Which is more than usual.

See, last year I made it a point to at least call for birthdays and meet up for food every couple months or so. But this year it's been full silence from my side since what happened in January. And with the usually obligatory major holiday meetup looming in front of me, I've been trying to figure out why.

Well, turns out: I hate her.

I know this is mental health tumblr, so this isn't really a very unique statement, but I'm happy to be part of this club now x)

I knew I didn't like her. And my entire family is united in knowing that she isn't easy to deal with. But for all this time I have maintained that I don't hate her for what happened during my childhood. Yeah sure the fallout is *vaguely motions to my entire psych rep sheet* but it's not like she is the only one who had a hand in giving me abandonement issues. Both my sisters and Dad equally fucked off and left me behind in one way or another.

And yet, I don't hold the same animosity with them the way I do with her. I can have zero contact with Sis 2 for a year and we'll get together and talk and vibe with zero problems. Sis 1 apologizing to me for leaving at that time is a memory I hold dear and while I have way more conflicting feelings about my Dad, his unwavering support in the last couple years has made up for a lot of what happened earlier.

While nothing is truly resolved (and likely won't ever be at this point cause tbh I have other priorities), they all made changes and evolved and we found ways to support each other to whatever capacity possible.

Meanwhile, the person who actually raised me has just gotten worse over the years. Getting more and more wrapped up in her own bitterness and jealousy and how she has to have it the worst and everyones problems are somehow her fault and *sighs*

She yearns for connection and yet everytime something is not about her or something that interests her then it will get dismissed and the topic changed. When I got a (second) tattoo years ago, her first reaction was to say: "No stop doing that." Whenever I tried to share my interests with her growing up, she would dismiss it cause she didn't care about the thing. And then be hurt by us not having anything to talk about. I have told her multiple times that her throwing out my cool nightlamp sucked and I still think about that sometimes and so far she has apologized twice for hiding a book that had pictures she didn't approve of. Oh no, H.R.Giger is gonna...idk, I honestly never noticed that book being gone cause it was an impulse buy.

Like, there are actually many things that I can rationalize away if it was just that. Her being weird about me being queer sucked, but she also never stopped me from dating same gender or otherwise express myself. Dropping me with "family" while they fought out the divorce is a good chunk of why I am as fucked as I am but also....I 100% understand that it wasn't done with any malice. From her point of view it was the best thing she could do and welp, nobody connected the dots and did some damage control afterwards. Which is also on the rest of the family tbh

The thing is that she just never stopped being that way. Unwilling to hear that her decisions weren't good and blaming people who bring these things up for attacking her and "Well ok all is just my fault! Are you happy now??! ;_;"

A lot of things broke in me in January.

My patience for her shit was one of those.

While writing this New Years passed and I did not talk to her. Instead I spent a couple days with the rest of the family on vacation.

She has tried calling me a couple times but I just stare at the phone and move on with the day.

Idk, part of me would be elated to just go fully no contact for longer, but another wants to give her...something? A notion of why this is happening I guess. Just can't find it fully in me to formulate it yet

I'm ready to say I hate her, but I'm not ready to fully abandon her

[ladyazulina]

A Writeblr Introduction Attempt

[En Español]

Hello everyone, I’m Lady Azulina 💙 Just Azu around these parts. I have been thinking about doing an introduction since I started diving into the Writeblr community who knows how long ago—certainly not me. But I wasn’t able to decide where to start. I still don’t know, but I believe that even the smallest attempt can be a great step, so here we go—I mean, I. Here I go. I really want to make this space something safe for me. For me to vent. For me to share. For me to be me even when I don’t know how to be me. I tried Instagram. I tried Twitter. Now I’m consciously trying Tumblr. Let’s see how this goes.

2-1: My pronouns are she / her. I’m also cis. And as far as I know, I’m hetero, but I haven’t had the opportunity to test my sexuality, so I can’t be totally sure. Why I’m telling all of it? I don’t even know! Don’t mind me.

2: The sun has gone around twenty-four times since I was born. I’m from winter. Like, an-early-Christmas-gift type. By five days only. I was supposed to be born in February, but I think I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday with the rest of the family. So it was Christmas. Sadly.

2+1: I'm legally a Sagittarius, but heartily I don't know where I fit. Sagittarius sun, Capricorn moon, and Aquarius rising.

2x2: I LOVE personality tests. For the majority of my life, I was INFP-T, but the last result says I am ISFP-T. My Enneagram type is a solid 4, a light 9. My color personal test is serulian (#9bb7d4).

2x2+1: I started writing when I was eleven.

2x2+2: I think I have a record of every writing in all these years (goddess, it will be twelve years soon).

2x2+2+1: I’m a love fanatic, even when I don’t wanna be. I’m a hopeless romantic, people. I write romance even without knowing that I’m writing romance. How the heck? I do not understand either.

2x2x2: In the same way, everything with the correct amount of romance can amuse me. And it doesn’t even have to be romantic.

2x2x2+1: I’m also a creature of fiction. Each word that comes out of my fingers is fiction. Be wary, I’m talking here about my writing, I can turn my life into a work of fiction, but it is not! Sadly.

2x2x2+2: On the topic of fiction, excepting a few self-insert (usually coming out in form of micro-stories), all I write and have ever written is absolutely and totally… fiction. Gezh, believe me, I was also looking for another completely unsuspecting word to get you all there, but I went b l a n k. You all know about it, don’t you?

12-1: I'm a fantasy-setup type of girl. I think I decided that with my very first novel, full of fantasy creatures. Though I haven't been writing there for a while, it's still one of my primary genres. I also like paranormal stuff, not in a very big matter, but its participation is still appreciated.

12: I love mysteries, and I think I’m trying to write one, but I do not try to solve them. My head wouldn’t forgive me if I try to push it so hard. On the same topic, I enjoy detective series.

12+1: I found my hidden love for (writing) action scenes thanks to a specific character. I'm still trying my ways because I don't get to write with her as much as I would like.

12+2: Other than the ones I've already mentioned, I'm pretty bad at identifying genres or tropes, so I won't be doing that. If you recognize any in my writings, please point them out to me! That way I can add them to the tags and so on.

12+2+1: For a while, I was roleplaying in forums, so I think I can say I have fics from Digimon, Pokemon, Sword Art Online, and My Hero Academia. Needless to say, I'm trying to turn all their stories into original ones; I can talk about them whenever.

12+2+2: I always create characters in pairs because I don’t want them to feel lonely like I do, though it doesn’t mean they’re romantic pairs.

12+2+2+1: I’m pretty in love with the blue color, hence my name, its lighter tones especially.

12+2+2+2: My real-real name is also a blue color! I think I’m unbiased from birth.

20-1: I’m a Caribbean Latin lady, my first language is Spanish. I would love the second one to be Sign Language, but I think it really is English.

20: I started studying (in college) Maths, but it didn’t work. I shifted to English, but it’s not working either.

20+1: My alter ego is an editor, proofreader, and writing coach, I can serve as the mediator, and as a way of trying her services as a beta reader.

22: I think it’s already obvious, but my favorite number is 2. The 02, 20, and 22 also work. 12 just because it’s my birthday month, but it also has a 2!

Project Masterlist.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

hello, me again (person watching the last leg) - i've reached series 11 and i'm still really enjoying this show so i've come back with more notes from the past few seasons

-so far my favourite guest has been jessica hynes, due to her calling trump and pence cunts and the story about punching a guy who threw eggs at her. in a similar vein i liked miriam margolyes, who called alex a yob and said they should bleep josh more and then proceeded to say cunt twice in quick succession. -i experienced a brief millisecond long crush on josh when he snapped "well we should give back the elgin marbles cos they're not fucking ours" like yes king rage against the british museum

Part 2:

-one of my problems with this show is their tendency to "both sides" things a little too much, so im worried for when the topic of transgender people starts to pick up. idk how bad it is in canada but in the uk the media is extrememly biased against trans people, including the bbc, so i've got a bad feeling it won't be handled with a lot of grace.

-i think my favourite example of someone still laughing after the segments changed is in s10 ep10, where everyone is still laughing well after alex's misguided joke and josh is in hysterics during the outro

-im still not used to politicians turning up, but i dont have such an instinctive knee-jerk reaction anymore. yesterday i watched ed milibands episode and i was not prepared for him to a) have a sense of humour, or b) make that pig fucking joke. that being said i'm glad they all have the snooty rp accent because otherwise i might start actually liking them.

-in bad news, i've just realised that they've taken all but the most recent three episodes off of all 4 so when i get to later seasons i'm going to have to head to reddit for pirating links. i dont understand why they'd do this, honestly it makes me really sad to think theres a chance it's gonna be gone forever.

anyway yeah, im still having a blast watching this!

That's great, I'm glad you're enjoying it! And glad you still have notes!

- Jessica Hynes has been fantastic every time on The Last Leg (and just on everything else she does, which is on my mind at the moment as I only just watched last week’s episode of Outsiders and I think the way she and Joe Wilkinson play off each other is the best thing about this season). She was very good next to Chris O’Dowd in that episode when he showed up hammered, a whole situation that I found so hilarious that it makes me readjust how highbrow I like to think my sense of humour is. Another thing that reminds me I’m really not above things like that is I think Miriam Margolyes saying “cunt” twice in about a minute, and the collective reactions to that, is one of the funniest things that’s ever happened on that show. I sometimes re-watch just that bit and lose my breath laughing every time. Margolyes comes back a few times in future seasons, and she’s just good every time.

- Yeah Josh Widdicombe is not super political, but every once in a while he says something like that with what sounds like some genuine venom behind it, and that’s always good. Welcome to crush on Josh Widdicombe club, even if you were only briefly a member!

- Yeah, the tendency to “both sides” is a recurring issue, and one that, to be honest, only gets worse. It’s mostly not that bad, the show does take clear stances on lots of the most important issues, but sometimes they drop the ball. I understand why, they’re a mainstream Channel 4 show and they’re not trying to get in trouble, and sometimes, to their credit, they say some controversial stuff anyway. But they’ve pulled punches at times that I haven’t liked.

I can’t recall a lot of specifics about the way they take on trans issues, but I think I’d remember if I ever thought they handled it particularly badly, so you don’t have to worry about that too much, with one glaring exception. In 2019, people on Twitter asked them to give the “Dick of the Year” award to Graham Linehan, and they refused. I agreed with their reasoning for refusing – it involved the fact that Linehan had Tweeted about how he wanted to win that award, and they have a policy against using their silly year-end thing as a way to give more attention to people who are actively courting that attention, so anyone who says they want to win the Dick of the Year isn’t allowed to win it. That’s fair enough, but I didn’t like the way they explained it. There was a very short, careful, speech that really “both sides”-ed the issue in a way I did not and still don’t like. I think people Tweeted about giving Linehan that award because transmisogyny is clearly an important issue to lots of fans of The Last Leg, and they dismissed those concerns with the way they responded. I wrote a post around this time last year with the exact wording of what they said, if you want to know how bad it was before getting further invested.

I think it was a serious misstep, and not the only time I’ve remembered that they’re not going to get on the wrong side of people who do things like significantly influence their industry or, for example, give them MBEs. Their recent post-queen death episode reminded me that I should not expect this show to take difficult positions on things (I didn’t expect them to come out calling for a Republican revolution or anything, but any nuance at all in their sycophantic reverence for the monarchy and all it stands for would have been fucking nice). Having said that, I think they’ve got a lot of things right over the years, and moments with which I have a significant problem are few. But it’s good to keep your expectations at a level where you’re not too disappointed when they refuse to rise above things.

- Back to fun parts! The outro is always the funniest time for one of them to have an uncontrollable attack of laughter, because it’s when they’re not able to make up lost time by rushing through other stuff later, so Adam really has to just keep reading the autocue over whatever’s happening. Always funny. More often happens with Alex, but sometimes with Josh too, and sometimes they just set each other off. I think that might be my favourite thing about The Last Leg – any time Josh and Alex set each other off about anything.

- Oh God, I forgot they had Ed Miliband on. I suppose the fact that he can be so likeable on a comedy show is why comedy shows shouldn’t have politicians, but having said that, they sometimes create among the best episodes (I have to admit the Nick Clegg episode made me like Nick Clegg, it’s a good thing I don’t have a vote in British elections).

- Don’t worry, The Last Leg is well archived not gone forever. Send me something I can reply to privately (a private message or a non-anonymous ask) if you end up having trouble finding links, though stuff from seasons 15-ish and later tend to be not that hard to find. The early seasons are tough though, I’m glad I picked those up when I did. And the London 2012 episodes might actually be gone, but the rest is out there.

[mommalosthermind]

@kisnin I can see how that’s uncomfortable or scary. It’s not a kind thought, that’s for sure, and I’m probably not going to have a satisfactory answer.

The thing is, I would not mourn him if he’d died. I would have celebrated, because for a little while longer, we would have been safer than we are right now. Maybe that makes me cold. Mostly it reminds me of being a kid, huddling away from Abusive Asshole #3, and hoping when I wake up they’re magically gone forever, or dead, where they can’t get at me anymore.

I’m not going to make any statements about morality other than my relationship with what might be considered morals is gray. The means, as they say, justifies the ends, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t have any interest in the purity politics trend for exactly that reason. The real world doesn’t divide neatly into prelabeled boxes. And before the ‘piss on the poor’ webbed site gets up in arms and starts throwing stones: I’m not going to divert into other topics. This is about the attempted shooting of trump.

Trump is not remotely a good person. He is a byproduct of the worst parts of our already failing society, and currently, he is the figurehead people are gathering around with the full and clear intent to hurt everyone who isn’t them. I should say *continue* hurting people, since they’ve done a decent job of setting things up so that folks are already having their daily lives impacted, even if somehow the general public is suffering from amnesia.

I haven’t forgotten what it was like to be that afraid for that long. I haven’t forgotten why the Court is ruling against the populace. I haven’t forgotten how many deaths lay at his feet over his border wall and his mishandling of covid, and his encouragement of dictators the world over. I haven’t forgotten why there was a clear and sudden drop in the quality of how I can live my life.

Trump is not the only reason, but he is a very large part of it.

It’s the trolley problem. Sacrifice one person to save the majority. Trump on one side of the scale, and millions of others on the opposite side. That’s not even a question for me.

Removing Trump from the picture would, at least temporarily, make it harder for the republicans to organize, and since they’re currently—and loudly—organizing under a banner (and with a fully written out plan no less) on how they intend to remove as many rights/resources as possible from women, the entire rainbow, people with disabilities, people of color, immigrants, the poor, people who follow the ‘wrong’ religion, the young… the list is extremely long— well. I would prefer they not be able to do that.

Nearly every single person I’ve ever spoken to is on that list. Hell, I’m in the crosshairs more than once. If you are not one of them, you are on that list.

Their manifesto is what, 900 pages long? They know what they’re doing. And they’ve been using the bizarre hold Trump has on the right wing nation to get what they want.

I understand why the sentiment isn’t one you care for, and why it’s upsetting. Supposedly, one of the first lessons we’re taught is to be kind, right? To look out for each other? To be the bigger person?

Right now, offering people like him that kindness feels like a luxury I can’t afford.

Maybe hoping he dies doesn’t make me a good person, either. I find that doesn’t bother me, because if he’s gone, then my kids, my community-local, national, global-will be a little better off. Maybe we can manage to undo some of the harm he’s encouraged, so the next time this happens we can actually put whoever takes up the mantle in prison, where Trump should be.

If you’re old enough, make sure you’re registered to vote. Take the time to learn about how your government works. Look at your local government, your state, your country. And then vote in the way you want the world to grow.

But maybe remember that the right-wingers in Trump’s skirts are trying to take away your ability to vote, too.

They just don’t assassinate politicians like they used to anymore