#try and come in mf the grandmas WILL shoot you dead

[sasukemexican]

random

[fortunamuta]

Pt.3 Devilman Crybaby Post (anime spoilers)

Alright so this is the last post and honestly i forgot to talk about the last episodes 7-10. Can u feel my depression while writing this, bro the sadness is never ending. I have become one with the mf void, and within it there is no self, no thoughts, no emotions just darkness.

Also TW alot of this stuff is extremely gory and dark (lots of horrible deaths that I may talk about, so tread lightly)

Lets just say things took a turn for the......first of all WTAF Homeskillet NOOOOOOOOOOO (if u haven’t read part 1 of this post homeskillet is Taro Makimura) HE ATE HIS FREAKING MOM, AND WHEN I TELL U I GAGGED AND FELT MY EYES TEARING UP. THAT WAS THE MOST TWISTED THING I EVER SAW AND THE DAD FOUND THEM. Basically the mom had taken Taro away from the family when she learned that he was a demon, also i thought he was a devilman but he didn’t win against the demon so he was taken over. But in the scene when he’s slowly eating his mother, and his dad is screaming why pointing a gun at his son, who he now realizes is his son. Taro’s demon begins to tear up making me believe that Taro was conscious but not in control of his actions. And thats when the tears begin to fall, and the dad was screaming and crying at how unfair the world was and how disgusting the sight in front of him was he couldn’t bring himself to shoot. So then the army guys who kill demons came and the dad begged them not to kill his son, but without hesitation they fired on dad and Taro, subsequently killing both. Akira tried to save them but was ultimately too late and ended up atleast grabbing the bodies and burying them.

The next scene in the episode shows Akira crying while on his knees infront of three graves (with crosses) on what looks like a hill. And I wondered if this was alluding to the three crosses who stood on Golgatha’s hill. This definetly marked a turning point for Akira and how he felt about Ryo. Anyway demons from everywhere popped up and tried to kill Akira at the instructions of Psycho Jenny, but then Miko saves him.

OH SCHNAPP I FORGOT TO TELL YALL Miko is a devilman and sis ate MY KING OF SPOKEN WORD and I think she ate her grandmother too. Anyway she really uses her new abilities to her advantage and wants to be better than Miki M. She later confesses that her jealousy and hate was just her inability to come to terms that she loved Miki and looked up to her, she didn’t like being outdone when she was used to being the best. Anyway she saves Akira from the demons trying to kill him. At this same moment Ryo is having a come to jesus moment (more like come to satan moment) he realizes that he is SATAN. I FUCKING KNEW IT. Anyway he goes on air, and stirs chaos by OUTING AKIRA. If i could throw hands and get my grandma to pray the mess outta that fool I would, damn he really didn’t have to do him like that so the whole worlds now knows that humans can become demons, so people begin to openly attack everybody. Anyway that public call out puts a target on Akira. 

Akira and Miki have a moment where shes like even as a devilman he’s still the crybaby she’s always known and love. oh btw Miki now knows her parents are dead and so is her little brother. Let me tell u her screams of anguish THAT SHIT HURTED. Anyway The Spoken Word Squad is now friends with Miki because the main dude gotta crush on her, and THEY ARE SO MF LOYAL THE REAL MVP’S of THE SHOW. (except shorty he really played us) Anyway Akira goes to get answers and confront Ryo and u can see the betrayal on his face he truly still believed Ryo was trying to make the world a better place. Anyway a mob descends on the Makimura household and the Spoken Word Squad says to leave it to them. At this point I am bawling my eyes out, and i’m slowly being pulled apart by the void. Miko takes Miki on her back to try and escape from the mob but those hoes mad angry and for what reason, anyway before this Miki made a twitter post talking about how much she loved Akira i think in the familial since tho, and how even though he is a devilman he is still who he used to be and that the humans are capable of loving them even though they are different. He’s not the enemy they should be focusing on. 

So as u may have guesses SPOKEN WORD SQUAD DIED, eversingle one of them, but not without being the baddest bitches every before going out. Seriously Homeslice with the dread had that crowbar and my boi was swinging and taking hoes out, but homie ended up getting over powered and visciously stabbed to death. The same happen to the dude who was crushing on Miki M basically there were just too many people(those people were the real monsters, giving into raw fear to tear into children like that) 

Anyway Miko and Miki are making there escape and they end up on their old running path, and its really sad. A jeep comes out of nowhere and everybody a motherfucking automated weapons. And they continue shooting at Miko and Miki until they bring them down, Miko urges Miki to run and continue running until she’s safe and to leave her behind. Miki runs and then the show the screen with them as kids running and passing the baton. Miko passes Miki the baton signaling her death, then Miki continues to run with the baton she’s trying to catch up to Akira who in front of her but she can’t seem to and then someone in real life shoots her in the legs, but she keeps moving and finally she’s able to pass the baton to Akira. At this moment (not me tearing up as I write this) she is tackled by some guy who stabs her and she screams out, calling out for Akira. But he never makes it.

Akira goes to this place where humans have crucified other humans and there are throwing stuff at them. Akira comes and shields them, and cries out that if they should kill someone kill him. In the midst of his crying, a voice over of miki’s letter is played. And like in the bible a little child shall lead them, which a little boy goes up to Akira to hug his leg and other kids follow the mob stops throwing stuff and now some adults are coming up to Akira to apologize hugging him and crying and they help the people they had crucified. In the midst of this the demons convince Track Homie to betray Akira even though Akira was helping him. So he impales Akira with his horn thing, in the process trampling many of the humans who had been standing near, causing a panic. Demons come out of nowhere and Akira gets away.

Now Akira has made it back to Miki’s house after a big fight with Ryo promising to defeat the other. He gets there to find the house up in flames and a mob surrounding it all whooping and cheering. He focuses on the mob and almost throws up finding that Miki, Miko and the Spoken Word Squad had all been decapitated and amputated and their limbs where pushed down on spikes which were being lifted and waved around for all to see by the mob. In a fit of rage and sadness at the fact that humans had done this he releases a fiery blaze crisping the humans in the mob. He swiftly leaves and the final strand attaching him to Ryo breaks. In Ryo’s tranformation to satan they now are naked, full breast and genetalia on display with big white wings. Ryo tells Akira that he doesn’t want to fight him, he did all of this so they could be together. But Akira said he has enough spite and anger for both of then and charges, they have a midair battle and the demons back up Ryo, in the end other Devilman come to help Akira lending him limbs so that he may continue fighting sacrificing themselves. 

The fight is long and sad, you can tell immediately that Akira is no match for Ryo. The scene changes to when they were younger as children, playing in the snow and going to hotsprings, exploring and just enjoying each others company. It shows just how pure and adorable Akira was and how Ryo always showed sign of not having any regards for life and believing that the weak deserved to die. Then it changes scenes to the baton passing scene showing the baton being passed from miko to miki then to akira and finally akira trying to pass the baton to Ryo but the baton keeps dropping between then, it happens several time until it drops one last time and the new scene is of the sky. Ryo’s voice is speaking to Akira as he stares at the sky, we see the side profile of Akira and his eyes are open but he’s not responding. 

Ryo continues to speak about them as children, then the screen pans to the sky showing broken planets and the earth around them is destroyed all that remains are broken pieces and the heel they are on. No other signs of life. Ryo asks Akira a question, and believes him to just still be mad at him but then he touches his face and says he’s been so quiet. Finally he cries and he exclaims how he doesn’t understand these feeling and asks Akira what these feelings are. 

Akira finally hands Ryo the baton.

The scene pans to show us Akira missing half of his body and dead. Ryo cries out to Akira pleading with him to say something, then he pleads that Akira not leave him alone. He continues to sob into Akira and plead to not be left alone as the screen moves further away from them, showing the actual destruction caused by their fight which basically destroyed the solar system. 

So yeah, i am one with the void, devoid of emotions, thoughts, and feelings. I belong to the darkness, how tf am i supposed to feel after that. I-i just wanted Akira to be happy, but apparently that was too much to ask. Goddamn THE WHOLE MF SOLAR SYSTEM. I cried so hard my brother was actually worried about me, I had puffy red eyes and couldn’t stop my mf hiccups. and warning i do no cute cry, that shit was really ugly. 

So yeah, I thought it was really good, definitely not for everybody though. Imma need to watch some Ouran Highschool Host Club. Also prayed with my grandma the other day for extra protection. But umm somebody please tell me what the relationship between Akira and Ryo because the end scene got me confused. I think it Ryo realizing his feeling for Akira because he didn’t want him to die and realized Akira had always been there for him. So this was def a wild ride, Miki was honeslty a pretty solid person except when she was modeling for that creepy dude. And then sis went to his house and asked for a shower, I was like sis are u DumbDDumbDDDDumb, luckily Akira was there because Ryo out here killing grandmas and was ready to kill Miki back then too. 

Also FLY HIGH SPOKEN WORD SQUAD and MY KING OF SPOKEN WORD.

and Taro really was bestboi led astray.

My pain level is astronomical might as well be numb. 10/10 probably won’t watch again unless I need a good cry and psychological trauma. But it was really good all in all.

[garbagegrimoire]

podcast notes week 1

Here are the notes I had going into the podcast recording for week 1. 

There are some spoilers in here & all of the doodle/synopsis posts have not yet dropped but the episode is recorded & here we gooooo...

Train to Busan

Starting out strong with a zombley deert (to speak in cursed rickyisms).

Giving his kid some yuppie bullshit talk & almost gets them clobbered in traffic, great dad.

Damn that escalated quickly. Why did it take so long for the first lady to turn but the others are like instantaneous?

The shots, effects, & choreography in this movie are crazy!

The grandma has lucid moments before changing which seems more than what the passengers got. & she used them to break hearts.

Ohhh he's a “fund manager,” ofc he's a dick.

Watching a zombie movie during a pandemic hits different.

I like that the bad ass in this movie is a soon to be dad with a dad bod & he's also a boomer who doesn't know how to change his ringtone.

Okay, they’re officially fit daddy & dad bod.

Okay legit tears at dad bod sacrificing himself even though I knew it was coming.

LOL young capitalist bastard fighting old capitalist bastard

This is capitalism & I hate it. OFC the motherfucker willing to screw over everyone else even if he doesn't need to prevails nearly to the end.

We need a zombie killing axe... Oh wait, nevermind, a shoe is good too.

Oh wow, that shit is poignant. The most ruthless capitalist of the group having a mama moment before he changes.

I'm sitting here yelling, get his nards, fit daddy! Do the nuts still have any effect?

Oh shit, fit daddy is infected. Human bites are gross.

This sucks, I hate it. :(

OH FUCK WHY DO THEY MAKE IT WORSE OMG!

& worse.

I didn't want to cry this much, not fair.

Re-Animator

Ooh, my German 101 skills are tingling.

Chaos nerd is everything in this scene. You wondrous ball of absolute cheese.

The security guard saying "Nobody wants in & ain't nobody getting out" is the Chekov's gun of this movie.

Fuckin’ nerd talk. Do either of you even lift? Why don't you duke this out in a tables, ladders, & chairs match?

I don't feel great about that transition between her playfully saying "no" & them full plowing. Greeeeeassy.

I'm with the cat on this one — scratch him!

"The world's last living puritan." LOL, come to eastern Washington tho.

How in the world is this lady's creep radar going off w nerdboy but not with the creepy old man trying to bang her?

They did a few things really well with this cat thing. Because usually I could not DEAL with violence against a pet. First the dead cat doesn't look anywhere near realistic, nonetheless once it's reanimated. Also, there's no like huge emotional connection between the character & the cat because the only experience the viewer has with it prior to it dying is it scratching his back after he's done banging, which I mean, solid choice there kitty.

"Because it's maaaad?" Best line in this mf movie.

I like how quick Halsey turns on nerdboy who he was stoked on like two days later. All because he insulted the creepy old man?

"Here's your meatball!" Writers were A+ obv.

"I know you're all by yourself now." Ew no. Again, she reacts to something other than the creepy old guy trying to bang her. PLEASE REACT, maybe punch him in the face or move to a different state without notifying anyone.

I’m dying, it looks like he's dribbling cherry applesauce out of his mouth.

This is the corniest, dumbest break up scene I've ever watched.

So once they're lobotomized they have like a mind link with the old guy head? Alright...?

Okay so we've arrive. This scene is fucking pure unadulterated cringe & makes me feel like I need to take several showers & drink bleach.

"Get a job & a sideshow." This entire movie is this nerd & that's what I'm here for.

How is there this seemingly endless supply of this green ooze? Also this reminds me of TMNT.

LOL the murderous colon strikes.

I'm very confused on the rules of what stays alive & how. Like the hand is still twitching but the guy in the hallway is dead?

Nothing gore-wise has bothered me so far but the chest compression sound is gross.

This guy is the worst. If he loved her he'd let her die.

Plan 9 From Outer Space

"Future events such as these will affect you in the future." You don’t say, friend.

Hillabilly gravediggers saying "sorta spooky like" is the mood here.

The scream is so good. 

A conspiracy theorist manifesto delivered on a suburban patio made entirely out of wicker.

The walking dead in this movie are so much more chill than the last two, just saying. Like if you're going to kill me, fine, but be chill about it.

"The earth people who can think are so frightened by those who cannot — the dead." Truuuuuuu. Thinking sucks, bro.

The pillow talk is all kinds of weird.

Hey, I know you're worried too, but because you're a child that can't care for herself, make sure you lock the doors because that's something a feeble woman wouldn't remember to do.

"You are on the verge of destroying the entire universe." Ooof this hits different now.

Yeah, it's old timey & corny but there are some seriously artsy scenes in this. I love the glowing trees.

Vampira is aesthetic goals if: I was more feminine, if I gave a fuck, if anyone ever looked at me, lol.

If some big dead dude was coming for you why in the hell would you just stand there or sit there & scream? Like these are the easiest monsters to escape from, you all are so gd slow.

That's it, I'm dressing up as one of these aliens for Halloween. All I need is some black pants, a belt, & a shiny purple shirt.

LOL little green men. Shoot first, ask questions later. Get all the tropes in there buck-o.

I just realized the dude alien is called Eros & I'm laughing. Total heartthrob. "You're always right, Eros." Fucking yuuuck. Miss me with all of this.

Holy trigger happy.

Explode the actual particles of sunlight. LOL, OMG "STRONGER NATION THAN NOW." These fucking nationalist trashbags.

Yes, of course aliens are religious too. & the're sexists. OH MY GOD IM GOING TO THROW THE MONITOR OUT THE WINDOW STAHP!

This was so much. I mean it's the old humans are dumb, violent animals & need to be gently led or annihilated. Okay, that can be true. But the aliens here needed to FOAD too.

Dead Birds

Is Mark Boone Jr in everything & will he die early? (yes)

Very aesthetic theme

Bank manager's whiskers are on point. 

The fuck? Oooh racist, niiiiice. I hate everyone all the time.

Yup this is how bank robbers would behave, wanting to kill of members of the gang to get a bigger share.

Gross, just listening into their friends banging, being creepy.

Is it turning into a bear? (Ohhh, the footprints)

Okay one of these dudes actually has something like a conscience, good to know, still hate him.

54 minutes in & I'm getting real bored.

Good jump scare w the little girl.

Okay the lady in the barn was too much for me. Gore was too much.

"There are worse things than dying" Best line.

Okay first I was like "that's not vomit, it's too white" & then I realized she'd been in bed with her dude earlier & yelled "ew, is she puking cum?" at my computer because that's where my dumpster fire of a brain goes.

Poor horses :(

He just disappeared? TF?

Nah, I’m not feeling this.

[perlocutionary]

Christmas Miracle, pt. 2 - Dylan O’Brien

Description: . Spending the holidays at Dylan’s wasn’t right in Y/N’s comfort zone, but it seems his grandmum will do anything to make everything even more awkward. Relationship: Dylan O’Brien x Reader

Title: Underneath the mistletoe Word count: 2021

A/N: Not really anything. This is based off my grandmum so now you know what it was like for me to bring a guy around for the holidays. Let me know what you think! xox @minhosmeanhoe @mf-despair-queen

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

I don’t know how long we had been on the road when I saw the indicative sign, informing me that within the next twenty minutes, we’d arrive at our destination and I was to see Dylan’s family again. The thought alone made my skin crawl and I take uneven, harsh breaths as I stare out the window, mentally preparing myself for the intrusion I would be causing – on Christmas, nonetheless. Dylan assured me that his parents were fine with it, and would love to have me over, but there was something I couldn’t shake.

“Stop worrying so much, I’m fearing you might drop dead before we even arrive. You know everyone, it’ll be fine.” Dylan states matter-of-factly, his large hand landing on my thigh and giving it a firm, assuring squeeze. My head snaps back to my handsome best friend, behind the wheel of Roscoe, a gift from the Teen Wolf days, his tongue poking the corner of his mouth before he shoots me a toothy grin.

I rest my hand on his before shoving it off my leg, forcing him to drop it onto the seating between us. A playful glare rests on my features as I stick my tongue out. “The more you say that, the less I believe it. Let a girl worry in peace.” A sigh escapes him, a little shake of his head accompanying the sound. He comes to a sudden halt and my eyes widen when I see we’re in his driveway. “Worry quickly then, because we’re here.”

I stand beside Dylan in the freezing cold as he retrieves our duffel bags from the back, shivering from head to toe as I overlook the colorful fairy lights decorating Dylan’s childhood home. I reach out for my bag as soon as Dylan has it in his large hand, his other, free hand, swatting me away almost instantly. “Let me. Go on up, it’s too cold outside.”

Instead of listening and taking up on his offer, I keep standing beside him until he has everything he needed and slams the back of the car closed. I’m trailing behind Dylan, my hand fisting his thick coat as he pushes the front door open, music and chatter immediately greeting us as he enters.

“Dylan! Baby! And Y/N! Oh, it’s been so long! Too long!” Dylan’s grand mum is the first to greet us and after she has given her grandson the wettest kiss of a life time, I’m engulfed in a hug you could only get from a grand mum. “Mrs. O’Brien, lovely to see you again.”

“The pleasure is all mine, dear.” She grins toothily at me as she holds me at arm’s length, staring me up and down before giving me an approving nod. I jump on the spot when her hand loudly smacks Dylan’s biceps, who winces in fake-pain as he glares at his grand mum.

“Took you long enough!” I witness Dylan’s eyes widen drastically and his grand mum clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth, a sly grin curving her lips upward as her fingers wind around my wrist. “To bring her here for the holidays, of course. Y/N, come on, you have to try these cookies.” The scent of freshly baked cookies waves toward me and I stop in my tracks.

I take a huge sniff of air and I sigh in pure bliss, eyes snapping open again when Dylan’s grand mum pulls me further into the kitchen. “Ah, Y/N! Welcome dear. Happy holidays!” Dylan’s mum greets me, her arms waving around my shoulders to haul me against her chest. I tense, only slightly, as I reciprocate her hug briefly, stepping away immediately after.

“Thank you for having me over, Mrs. O’Brien. If there’s anything I can do to help…” I offer her my services, smiling tightly at her, only relaxing when I see Dylan in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed over his chest, watching me interact with his mom.

“Oh, no, no, dear. You go enjoy some time with Dylan.” She pats me on the shoulder, turning around and grabbing a plate stacked up to the top with delicious treats for everyone. The next part that slips her lips has me widening my eyes in pure shock.

“I always knew you’d end up together.” Dylan’s mum hums as she passes me, winking at me while waving through with a large plate of freshly baked goodies. My gaze snaps to Dylan, whose cheeks are tinted a bright pink and his lips tightly pushed together. He makes no move to correct his mother though. My eyebrows furrow and Dylan’s mouth contorts into something that should portray confusion, his shoulders shrugging as he lifts his hands to his sides.

I smile, rolling my eyes at him before my attention is snagged away by his grand mum offering me a cookie. “Oh, thank you.” I sink my teeth into it, loudly moaning before my eyes widen in shock and my hand moves to cover my mouth. I see the mischievous twinkle in her eyes and it only remind me of Dylan when he’s about to do something I disapprove of. “Almost as good as – “ Dylan interrupts his grand mum abruptly as he steps in, taking a cookie of the plate himself as he drags me out of the kitchen with him. “You have to see my mom’s decorations this year, they’re amazing.”

Instead of asking Dylan what his mom was on about, I decided to wait until after the holidays. I wouldn’t want this to end poorly because Dylan and I got into a fight. So, instead, I smile brightly as Dylan drags me over to the humongous Christmas tree, filled to the brim with ornaments. “It is, indeed, amazing.”

“Come sit with me.” Dylan pulls at my wrist, dropping me onto the sofa next to him. He lets go of me to grasp my ankles and fit my legs between his, my upper body already leaning against his shoulder, his arm thrown around my shoulders.

“Say, Dyl.” His mom interrupts our stare and we both gaze up, seeing the woman wipe her hands along her apron as she approaches. “You bring this lovely lady over, but where is she going to sleep?” Dylan’s grand mum appears as well, a toothy grin ever-so-present on his lips as she slaps her hands together.

“I am an old woman and I am not sharing my bed with any of them. I had to do that too many years with your grandfather. He snores, you know?” She winks at me and a chuckle leaves my lips, although I feel the anxiety rise again. I hadn’t even considered the fact that their might be no room for me to stay, and I hadn’t given any of it a second thought.

“I’ll just sleep on the couch, if that’s okay.” I try to make amends, but his grand mum won’t have any of it. A shake of her head shuts me up immediately. “Oh no dear, you two can sleep together. I’ll take Dylan’s room.” The twinkle in her eyes makes me fear the worst, although her grin doesn’t do anything but aid her mischievous glint.

“Oh – I  - uh – “ I start off, cheeks flaming red as I stare at Dylan. The best we had ever done with sleeping together was me falling asleep on his couch after a movie night – back in the day when he still had a girlfriend. “Grandma, why do you do this?” Dylan groans and I see his cheeks are the same color as I am sporting, if not worse, and relieves some of my own tension as it draws a giggle from me.

“Because you are adorable when you blush. Don’t you think so, Y/N?” And I know that now I am more ashamed than Dylan could ever be. I nod my head, although I wasn’t sure if I had actually moved at all, and his grand mum claps her hands together again. “Then it’s settled. We’ll eat in an hour.” Her dismissive tone is accompanied by her retreating into the kitchen, leaving both Dylan and I’s cheeks a fiery red.

“Okay, not that shaming me is out of the way…” Dylan starts, pausing as he reaches behind the arm rest of the sofa, fumbling and mumbling while I stare at the television.

“I know I wasn’t supposed to get you anything…” Dylan breaks the silence and I snap my head to his, immediately glaring as he wavers to continue. “So I got you something, that would sort of – uh – benefit me as well.” Dylan grins as confusion laces through my features, my hands reaching out to accept the small box Dylan holds out to me.

“What is it?”  I jiggle, hoping to determine its contents by the rattling sound, but come up with nothing. Dylan chuckles as I drop the gift back into my lap, toying with the intricate bow on top. “Open it up.”

I take my sweet ass time, gently untying the bow and dropping the lint onto Dylan’s lap before making my way through the adhesive tape that seems to be everywhere. Dylan grins stupidly at me as I cock an eyebrow, chuckling inwardly as I’m left with a simple, plain white box. My heart is pounding in my throat as I gently lift the lid of the box, peeking inside reveal something completely unexpected.

“Mistletoe?” I purse my lips before pushing them into a straight line, rather dumbfounded of its meaning. Dylan’s hand reaches out, large fingers wrapping along the stem and he holds it up. “What do you do underneath a mistletoe?”

He smiles nervously as he witnesses my eyes widen and my mouth drop open slightly, realization sinking in. A blush heats up my cheeks as I avert my gaze, suddenly very shy with Dylan’s proximity. I could be reading into this completely wrong and make a fool out of myself, but damn if my insides weren’t screaming at the fact that Dylan had implied a kiss.

Dylan’s hand cups my jaw and tilts my head toward his, his gaze flicking between my lips and my eyes, searching for anything that indicated him needing to stop. A breathless sigh passes me, my gaze flicking up to the mistletoe he is holding just above our heads, before reconnecting my gaze with his.

Just as he is about to seal our lips, his face hovering mere inches from mine, I get the scare of a lifetime. “What is that doing here? It should be above the door now, shouldn’t it?” I almost jump out of Dylan’s embrace and off the sofa when his grand mum’s voice breaks the tension, my hand pressing harshly against my chest as I feel my heartbeat hammer against it. Dylan’s grand mum looks smug, plucking the little twig from Dylan’s hands and running off with it, a giggle leaving her lips before she disappears from sight.

I stare after her and it’s Dylan’s hand dropping from my face that refocuses my attention towards him. At first, he looks absolutely furious, but it discards into something more of agony when he looks back at me. “Unbelievable.” His fingers find mine and he intertwines them, shyly looking up as all I can do is reciprocate with a smile.

I squeeze his hands, leaning my upper body a bit closer and inviting him for a second try. His eyes twinkle underneath the fairy lights, his Adam’s apple bobbing with a harsh swallow, as he leans in again. “Dylan, dear! I need you in the kitchen.”

This time, a loud, aggravated groan leaves Dylan’s lips as his grand mum speaks again. “For fucks sake.” He keeps still, squeezing his eyes closed and taking a deep, calming breath. “Dylaaaaan.” “I’m sorry.” He sighs, pulling his hands from mine and raising to his feet, stalking to the kitchen, passing his grand mum on the way, who shoots me a wink before disappearing behind her grandson.

“Sneaky lil’ bitch.” I mumble, making myself comfortable on the sofa as I close the small gift box still in my lap.

Taglist: @ssweet-empowerment @fuckwhateverfuck

[pinelife3]

Music I Can’t Understand

Getting into hip hop in my late teens was like learning a new language: slang, cars, food, drugs, brands, gangs, locations. For example:

What does it mean to be sitting on 44s?

44 inch rims on your car - highly coveted, a desirable rim size.

What about coming from the 504?

The area code of Hollygrove, New Orleans: the neighbourhood Lil Wayne grew up in.

Please double cup me?

Kindly serve me lean in two double stacked Styrofoam cups.

Ice cream paint job?

Cars again - clean exterior with creamy white leather interior.

Finna hit a lick?

Fixing (intending) to rob a liquor store.

Wavy Brazilian?

Human hair grown from the scalps of the fine people of Brazil, harvested, treated and then sold to be used in wigs and weaves. The hair has a natural wavy texture and is typically long and dark.

Cop dome? 

Receive a blow job. Confusingly, I’ve also heard ‘domed’ to mean shooting someone in the head. 

Chopper?

You might be thinking of a helicopter or a motorcycle, but in hip hop a chopper is almost always a fully automatic weapon - I guess because it cuts people down?

A bird?

A kilo of drugs, typically cocaine.

Beyond the slang, I also found some of the accents difficult to understand. Lil Wayne speaks in a hoarse, treacly voice, he’s usually fucked up, his word association is crazy, he loves puns, and he rapidly jumps from topic to topic. So, initially, listening to Wayne was like trying to speed read Shakespeare. It took me a while to be able to properly tune in and listen to the lyrics - but when I did, I found hip hop so rewarding and fun. This is all from one song:

‘Cause I’ll serve anyone like a blind waiter

I work out in my office, guess I’m fit for business

Your flow never wet, like grandma pussy/ I’m always good, like grandma cookies

You niggas best not slip, Ice Road Truckers

I also appreciate the trite but appealing throwaways:

felt like rockstar, might die later idk

(Music critics under the misapprehension that rappers didn’t glorify hard drugs and depresso partying before Future need to go back to school.)

I have memories of rapturous repeat listens of Good Kid, Maad City, trying to decode the story. Falling in love with the mythology of Kanye. Digging through forums. Listening to famous classics and thinking I was the first to uncover an unknown treasure, like an oblivious archaeologist. The golden age of Big Ghost’s blog. MF DOOM super fandom. Discovering old artists online and stuffing my ears with their back catalogs. Visiting country towns and thinking ‘I bet no one here has even heard of Aesop Rock’ like a smug fuck. Pouring over lyrics on genius.com. Sweating profusely at gigs. Hoarding mixtapes from DatPiff. Weirdly, I associate a lot of my fondest hip hop memories with being by myself on my laptop. 

The interface hasn’t changed one bit:

Over time, though, I’ve gotten bored with hip hop. I feel like I haven’t really fallen in love with anything released since ~2014. Piñata might be the last hip hop album that really worked on me (exception: the Hamburger Helper album Watch the Stove from 2016). Even To Pimp A Butterfly has serious issues: listen to “Mortal Man” and tell me it’s not the corniest shit ever. The extended butterfly/chrysalis/caterpillar metaphor throughout the album is like bad high school poetry. For a while, I thought my cynical outlook on modern hip hop was just a product of getting older and being wistful for the music I liked when I was younger. But now I’ve decided that this is a problem solely between me and hip hop, because I still find music that I get obsessed with. But that music is exclusively Celtic.

I would timebox my Celtic music obsession to the past year or so, but Spotify went to great pains to inform me that Enya was my artist of the decade, so this must have been latent within me for some time. 

When initially dipping my toe in the Celtic genre, I started with instrumentals and songs sung in English, but I’m waist deep now and have started listening to Gaelic music. It’s like birdsong: I don’t know what they’re saying, but I like the way it sounds. Throaty, clear. Choking, sweet. Windswept, warm. Profound, unknowable. Ancient, important. Echoing, intimate. They could be singing about stale muesli bars and stubbed toes for all I know. 

(If you don’t listen to these songs - especially the one below - I don’t think this blog post will work on you. See please listen.)

Take the song “Thig An Smeòrach As t-Earrach” (above). Obviously ‘Thig An Smeòrach As t-Earrach’ sounds like something Gollum would hiss under his breath, but I find the song itself practically spiritual. Gaelic is so foreign - the words bear no similarity to words I’ve ever heard before - but I feel like I still understand what’s being said. It’s like a fiery angel has appeared at the foot of your bed and is telling you something important: but the angel is so beautiful and bright, your eyes are watering. You can hardly look. And you certainly can’t listen. But the message is burned in your brain. You didn’t understand a word, and wouldn’t know how to repeat what the angel said - but you understand their meaning perfectly.

Do you think the past or the future is more important? And not in terms of your own life (e.g. will your retirement be better than your time in high school) - that’s chickenshit, that’s two turns in early game Civ V, that’s low stakes table. No, I mean in terms of the whole timeline of the planet: neolithic magic in stone circles, valleys where no human has ever walked, unturned stones beneath deep water, dead languages. Should we protect the physical remnants of history or privilege the possibilities of the future? Would we crush Grecian pottery if it unlocked clean, sustainable power which allowed us to create AirPod batteries which never lose their charge? Without even asking, I will tell you that anyone making Celtic music thinks the past is more important than the future. And while you listen to Celtic music, you will agree. 

Once there were brook trout in the streams in the mountains. You could see them standing in the amber current where the white edges of their fins wimpled softly in the flow. They smelled of moss in your hand. Polished and muscular and torsional. On their backs were vermiculate patterns that were maps of the world in its becoming. Maps and mazes. Of a thing which could not be put back. Not be made right again. In the deep glens where they lived all things were older than man and they hummed of mystery.

Celtic music is humanist, but ancient humanist. It is not interested in what Elon Musk is doing, it doesn’t care what shirt you’re wearing, or whether you’re an Episcopalian vegan, or if you can finish The New Yorker crossword puzzle, or really any modern concerns - at least, I don’t think it cares. In a way, I don’t care what they’re saying, because I like the way it makes me feel: peaceful and romantic and connected to something eternal and profound. Like when a huge rock is warm to the touch. These are underrated feelings.