#trust. and thus living with him sends my entire psychological state into absolute fucking mayham and i find it impossible to clam down or
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#my stepfather is coming back on monday and im so. so not looking forward to it#thank god i had these few weeks to be alone. i was finally able to somewhat calm down and pull myself together#at least in comparison#but thats abt to be over. and i already feel like digging my own grave than dealing with it#wether its bc its him and im still very on edge after years of bullshit or whether its bc hes a man and not only that but one that i do not#trust. and thus living with him sends my entire psychological state into absolute fucking mayham and i find it impossible to clam down or#truly let my guard down even at 3 am alone in my bedroom with the door locked#god fucking damn it and americans make their homes out of twigs so the damn house are paper thing. im the quiet sort anyway. he is not.#gOD and the unnecessary fucking sex jokes and the jokes abt prostitution or about women which he always for some god forsaken reason#makes out of the fucking blue and everything time i makes me want to crawl out of my skin. its making me want to crawl out of my skin now#ohh lord. its going to be months of this. its already making me wanna cry lol#im already so fucking tired and dealing with so much shit and overwhelmed when im on my own#a literally prepetual state of feeling like prey and scared or disgusted even at every waking moment even at night will drive me fucking#insane again#fuck. maybe i should start taking my other antidepressants again too. the cptsd ones. and maybe i should take a double dose again.#just drug myself into a state of detachment and lack of feeling
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