#trust vic to come thru w the most fun most ridiculous prompts

[bumblybee-fic]

The Rink

@hockeybuns wanted to see a mockumentary version of the locker room after Geno’s 1,200th point a la The Office—I had so much fun with this; I hope you like it!

“He’s just an elite player,” Sidney Crosby says about Evgeni Malkin’s recent 1,200-point milestone. Crosby is flushed, cheeks pink and lips red after the game. He sits in his stall in his base layer that has seen more NHL locker rooms than many players have; there is a tear in the sleeve that has been mended on more than one occasion. “He’s—it’s incredible that he’s able to still play at this level considering his age. He’s just as good as he was in our first few seasons together.”

Kris Letang, who did not play in the game due to illness, is standing near the doorway between the locker room and the showers. His arms are crossed; he is wearing one of his infamous custom-designed suits, and he gives a dead-eyed stare directly into the camera pointed at him while Crosby continues his effusive praise.

“I mean, 1,200 points, there are so many guys in the league who never get there. Geno is one of those guys whose name deserves to be on that list. It’s just a testament to his game and how he plays.” Crosby runs a hand through his sweat-soaked hair, licking his lips. His eyes fail to focus on any one spot in particular, darting from reporter to reporter. “I’m really glad we were able to get that win for him tonight.”

Kasperi Kapanen turns his phone to the camera. He swipes through a few photos, pointing out one in particular of Malkin playing poker in someone’s basement. “I take pictures when he hits milestones. This is when he won a poker game.” He swipes again; this one is of Malkin in a white shirt eating pasta, a forkful of spaghetti halfway to his mouth. “This is when he ate pasta without getting any sauce on his shirt.” The next picture is of the top of Malkin’s head, taken from above, on the team’s jet. “Obviously I couldn’t get one during the game, but I took this one on the plane earlier. Even though he was sitting down, I had to almost stand up on my seat to get the picture. I’m pretty proud of that one; not very many people get to see him at that angle.”

When it’s time for the helmet to pass hands, it’s delivered to P.O. Joseph out of thin air by the nonexistent entity that inhabits the net while Tristan Jarry is out with an injury. It’s Joseph’s first time with the helmet; he is smiling even when he puts it on. “Yeah, I’m really excited,” he says. “It’s a big honor, and these guys are so fun to play with. And of course Geno’s big milestone tonight—I’m just happy to have been part of it.”

Jason Zucker is a regular on Malkin’s second line. When asked for an interview, he sits down, wearing a paper mask of Malkin’s face with the mouth and eyes cut out. It is unclear where he got this mask, or who made it for him. “Geno best,” Zucker says simply, then immediately stands up and leaves the room. He is wearing the mask for the remainder of the night.

“I remember when Geno put on skates for the first time,” Letang says. His face is neutral; he looks into the camera with an easy disdain for it. “I felt an itch on the bottom of my left foot as a toddler. I knew then that he was gonna be the 101st best player in the league.” When asked how he knew this as a child, Letang answers in French, shrugging. He refuses to answer any other questions presented to him.

After Crosby finishes his lengthy and unprovoked interview regarding Malkin’s 1,200th point, he chats with Malkin in the corner briefly before they both head out to the hallway. Jake Guentzel enters the locker room from the showers just as they leave and, on realizing they’re heading out, follows them out of the room. Malkin and Crosby get several doors down the hall when Crosby shoves Malkin against the wall in one swift movement, reaching up on his toes to shove his tongue down Malkin’s throat. Malkin’s large hands fall to rest on the swell of Crosby’s ass; when Crosby pulls away panting, just for a moment, Malkin uses his grip to drag him back in again.

Guentzel stares at this scene, eyes huge and terrified, and as the camera pans to him, his face blanches and he swallows loudly.

Later, in the interview room, Guentzel stares into the camera for several moments, mouth agape. “I’m sorry,” he says after a few seconds. “I just—it’s like I just saw my parents having sex. Not that Dad’s my father—I mean, not that Dad’s my Sid—I mean—” Guentzel’s face turns the color of a tomato, and his eyes widen. “Not that Sid is my parent. Or that Geno is. It’s just.” A shudder takes over Guentzel’s body. “Sorry, I think I need another shower.”

Bryan Rust and P.O. Joseph glance at each other, then look into the camera. “We’d planned on doing a little party for Geno once we get to the hotel in L.A.,” Rust explains. “To celebrate and everything. But I don’t think that’s gonna be a good idea now.”

Joseph shakes his head. He’s still smiling, even if his eyes look like they have seen things they should not have seen. “Yeah, we, uh. I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Geno seems like he has other plans.”

When asked about his plans, Malkin smirks at the camera, tongue between his teeth. “I’m get best present tonight.”