#tried a new technique!!! I'll get the hang of it eventually

[lichymograine]

Rendering practice of my orc warrior :)c

[cubingciruitblog]

What Speedcubing can Teach... #1

I've been cubing for almost 2 whole years now, and apart from finding a new hobby and passion, I feel that speedcubing has taught me much more too. This is a (lengthy) blog on what I've learnt through cubing. I'll be writing about a lesson that cubing has taught me every 2 days for the rest of the week so check back to see more. Short Intro - How I got into cubing Of course, the first big step would be finally solving your cube for the first time and seeing all 6 colours solved (not by peeling the stickers). But I really was fascinated by this puzzle. It looked so simple at first, but when I actually tried solving it, well of course I did not succeed. However, I was determined to solve my cube. I spent days trying to learn off YouTube videos. And one day, I did it. No more messing up in the middle of trying to return it to its solved state. I remember holding it up in front of my family proudly. So anyways, after that I saw some videos of speedcubers solving it faster than the time it took for me to type this sentence. And that's when I started trying to improve my timings and really learnt a lot from cubing... Lesson 1 To improve, I first decided, hey why not learn a faster method, knowing that probably wouldn't get far with the beginners' method. Like most cubers, I chose CFOP, mainly because it was similar to beginners' and therefore easier to grab the concepts. I started by learning cross, taking it a step at a time. So I tried making a white cross directly, instead of a daisy. I thought that I would be much faster at once. Who knew? It took me longer to make a white cross than a daisy. I was sort of disappointed but I decided to give it a chance. So I practised a lot and looked at other cubers' ways of making the cross, practised the techniques and a started getting the hang of it. I'll come back to this later but let me give another example. Now the next part I learned was 2-Look PLL, a set of algorithms. It was tortuous memorising them. Everytime I tried using the algs. in solves, I would just mess up. What did I do? I told myself to keep practising over and over again. I'd start the moment I had time, clocking in as much practice as possible. It was hard, but worth it. My times then, were now halved as compared to when I was still using beginners'. Back to cross, I just want to compare how I put in the effort to practise to my brother. My brother can solve a cube. He uses beginners' and I tried teaching him the cross. However, he too ran into the problem of his daisy being faster. He gave up. I tried convincing him that eventually, as long as he was willing to practise, it would help a ton. But I guess it's not easy to change someone's mind. Just because of our different attitudes, I'm 4-5 times faster than him. So what is my takeaway and the lesson here? I think it's quite obvious by now but here it is anyways : Although practice can never make you a perfect person at whatever you are doing, it can make you much better. Hard work pays off and overall, this makes me understand the concept behind delayed gratification. This is the end my blog for today

~ CubingCircuit, 18 July 2023 (from where I am)

[autumnalwalker]

Empty Names Masterpost

I'll be updating this post with links as I post chapters. The intent is that everything I write for this project will be posted here to read in its entirety.

Also mirrored on Scribble Hub: (Main Story, Side Stories)

Cast list is below the "Keep reading" line.

Pitch:

A trans woman accidentally summons a demon while trying to DIY her transition with magic and computers...

A young wizard returns to Earth after his adventure in a magical otherworld only to realize you can never truly go home again once you've changed too much...

A teenage girl gets stood up for prom, kills a lake monster, and spends the next decade hunting down things that go bump in the night...

An assassin marries an immortal sorceress and allows the rumors that he murdered her to flourish once she disappears...

A world-hopping adventurer sees the potential in all of them and asks if they're interested in helping make the world a better place.

"Empty Names" is an episodic urban fantasy series about a group of misfits fighting monsters and grappling with existential questions regarding the interplay of reality, perception, and identity.

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Summary: Road, an adventurer with a penchant for jumping between different worlds tries to set up the sort of adventurers' guild so common in sword & sorcery setting in a modern day urban fantasy world where "adventurer" isn't considered a legitimate profession and magic and the supernatural are kept behind the scenes and out of public knowledge. The story is told from the points of view of the people that get roped into being the initial test run adventuring party but never Road's.

Update Schedule: Once or twice a month, depending on chapter length. New chapters get posted on Saturdays, when they're ready.

Overall Content Warnings: Genre-typical violence, gender dysphoria, anxiety, occasional mild body horror, death. I'll update this list as more is written and if anyone points something out to me that I should have included a warning for and missed. In general though, I aim to try to keep this approximately PG-13-ish, but we'll see where this all goes over time. Individual chapters have more specific content warnings at the top of the post with anything likely to be distressing below the "Keep reading" line.

Current Status: Rough Draft (just throwing things up as I write them with minimal review or editing)

I'm primarily viewing this project as practice for moving out of my comfort zone and doing more traditional prose with proper dialogue and action scenes and such rather than the journal format that I've been doing with @thearchivistsjournal. The original plan was to write a few sort of prologue/character introduction chapters and then mostly do a series of one-shots with the same setting and cast based on whatever random idea or writing prompt strikes my fancy that week, but as time goes on it's starting to verge more toward "continuous narrative". Time will tell how it eventually winds up I suppose.

Chapter List:

Hello World

Back From The Looking Glass

Dance Partners

Prince In Gold

Rite of First Refusal

Background Checks

Compilation

En Route

Test Run

Cleanup

Afterparty

Houseguests

Open Office

Down Low

Matters of Technique

Mall Rats

Embedded Media

Mom Energy

Shire

Changeling Child

Old Flame

Leads

Compression

Nostalgia

Euphoria (coming sometime in May 2024)

Love

Attention

Concern

Side Stories:

Scenes that don't fit well into the main story. They might come before it, focus on side characters, or just be conversations between the main cast during downtime.

There Are No Dogs At The Dog Park: Every full moon Eris does some volunteer work. Set a couple years before the main plot, shortly after Eris and Lacuna met and started hanging out.

Once Upon A Time...: A bedtime story by Sullivan Bridgewood.

Pop Quiz: A younger Ashan not-yet-Glassheart gets a refresher on terminology.

The Sphinx And The Spider: Two first-time interdimensional tourists run into trouble on vacation. (Coming when I get the motivation back to return to this one)

A Shining Shallow Sea: They say the Sorceress Bridgewood never gave a gift which she didn’t benefit from the giving. (More of a loose idea at the moment than an in-progress story)

Non-Canon AU:

I suppose at this point you could call it writing shipping fan fiction of my own work.

2023 Pride Month Drabble Challenge: A series of dialogue snippets from an alternate universe/timeline where Eris and Lacuna avoided ever learning about the existence of the supernatural, wound up meeting anyway, and became a couple instead of (or perhaps in addition to) best friends.

Core Cast:

Road:

The experienced adventurer and idealist who started this whole venture.

Very much the iconic "hero" archetype. Brave, strong, kind, strict "no killing" policy, etc.

The kind of person that you quickly feel like you're best friends with and can count on and share anything with, but then several months or even years down the line it occurs to you that you don't actually know anything about their personal life.

Humor/Color Scheme: Balanced

Sullivan Bridgewood:

Road's best friend since childhood and the only one who knows that under their heroic persona they're about one really bad day from an emotional breakdown at any given time.

Married for power and money and is using that money to bankroll this adventurers' guild startup operation. May or may not have killed his wife.

Kind of an asshole, but reins it in when Road's around for their sake.

Humor/Color Scheme: Choleric

Lacuna:

A trans woman whose introduction to the existence of the supernatural was a failed attempt to magically get a new body that resulted in a demon trying to eat her, and then being rescued by Road.

Now works with an unholy combination of applying AI-generated art algorithms and principles to create custom magic glyphs.

A walking embodiment of imposter syndrome, who vacillates between "I am a mad genius!" and "I have no idea what I'm doing and really am not qualified for any of this."

Humor/Color Scheme: Melancholic

Eris:

The team's physical powerhouse and heavy hitter. A veritable brick wall of supernaturally-reinforced muscle.

Survived a scenario out of a C-list monster movie as a teenager, enjoyed the experience more than she reasonably should have, and has spent the past decade since then as a semi-professional monster hunter.

Has sort of taken Lacuna under her wing as the younger sister she never had but always wanted. In spite of Lacuna being the older of the two.

Humor/Color Scheme: Sanguine

Ashan Glassheart:

Already went through the whole "little kid from Earth goes on an adventure in a magic otherworld and becomes a wizard" hero's journey/bildungsroman routine before this story even started. Except he was gone long enough that once he finally returned home there wasn't anything to come back to. Does a convincing job of pretending it doesn't bother him.

Mostly focuses on barriers, wards, bindings, and other such defensive techniques with his magic.

Actually doesn't mind all that much when strangers mistake him for a woman. Minds a little bit though when people call his wizard robes a dress. Minds a lot when people mistake his outfit for cosplay.

Humor/Color Scheme: Phlegmatic

[starrytimepod]

Space Gym: The Saga Continues - Trial, Error, and Success?

Annnd -- I'm back with more to share about my Space Gym project! I'd like to start by saying BoP would like to know the audience for this chronicle, so if you're enjoying it, plz let me know by replying, reblogging, or liking!

Here is Part 1 on the origins (or why I decided to do this): https://www.tumblr.com/starrytimepod/705821030963363840/a-space-themed-gym-part-1?source=share

Part 2 on inspiration and research: https://www.tumblr.com/starrytimepod/706430877328146432

Which brings us here to Part 3 - Trial, Error, and Success?!

Last we left off, I had created these three trial nebulas & even had nebula hands to show for my efforts!

Believing in the promise of space gym, though uncertain that I was going to be able to create the Orion Nebula, I went forward and painted the mural wall black.

Here's how it looked -- sponge murder wall be gone! Presto!

Great news for me: BoP didn't want to help, but my sister (and Starry Time Cohost, Jordan) was coming to visit for Hanukkah and she was ALL IN on Space Gym.

Together we practiced making nebulae on the left side of the wall because there will eventually be mirrors up there.

Confident in my little nebula attempt (middle nebula in the left picture), I went forth and made a big version (right nebula inboth photos below). My sister named her nebula (the far left corner) Puppis (which we insist is pronounced Poopis, even though it's not).

I'll be honest. Things were not hanging together well in the big nebula. It just wasn't scaling up well. But, I thought, it was OK, maybe I just needed to take a break and try blending things together the next day.

I didn't capture the in-between, but let's just say the next painting session ended in me creating this monstrosity out of despair:

Also RIP Poopis, my sister's nebula, which she replaced with the smoky, tendril-y painting on the lower left.

The next day, I painted over the horrifying nebula I made (which was very cathartic), and tried some new techniques. Below, you can see the painted over big nebula. And some new attempts -- the bright blue nebula in the upper left corner, the purple one next to it, and another attempt in the center-top of the wall.

But, honestly, I still wasn't very happy with any of them. That first good test nebula... it was TAUNTING me.

I took a few days off, my sister went home, and I re-evaluated my technique (and life choices).

And then, I watched this video called Mural Joe Live - Galaxy Sky by muraljoe: https://youtu.be/VQg2H08nGXo

And I tried again.

This time producing something that was both a nebula and vaguely resembled the Orion Nebula!!!

First day of painting using the new techniques

!!!!!

The next day, I decided to get rid of some of the tester nebulae, add another more wispy nebula, and to add some more layers to the new center piece of Space Gym.

Let's pause here, and next week I'll show you how it all came together!

[phiralovesloki]

This is a stellar post, but I really, REALLY want to talk about rapid tests.

(I'm a cell biologist and biology educator, and this post is based on my own understanding of COVID testing. I do not work in healthcare, I'm sure that there are exceptions to some of what I'm talking about here, and I'll bet that I'm oversimplifying. However, anything you can find fault with here is nothing in comparison to some of the bizarre bs I've seen people think is true about COVID testing.)

One thing I've seen a LOT of due to rampant misinformation and lack of scientific literacy in the general population is a complete misunderstanding of rapid tests. It's been wild.

The way that rapid tests work, in the simplest terms:

When you have COVID, your infected cells are used by the virus to replicate the heck out of the virus, including all of its bits and bobs. This includes all of the surface proteins and lipids (fats), which I know most people are familiar with because of the ubiquity of images like this one from the UN:

Eventually, the viral particles inside of the infected cell will lyse (burst open) the cell, killing it and releasing more virus to infect more of your cells and, of course, get sneezed or coughed out of you in order to infect other people.

A rapid COVID test can detect some of the surface molecules from the virus. One of the pieces of news you may have missed is that some rapid tests are better at detecting certain variants than other tests are. Like OP said, their infection was not detected by every brand of test they tried. So depending on the particular strain you have, and the particular test you have, you might be dealing with a situation where none of the surface proteins of your particular infection are going to be picked up particularly well by your particular test.

And if you don't have a lot of cells lysing, releasing the virus, and the virus particles are just hanging out in your cells, you might not detect it with a rapid test. And if the majority of your infected cells aren't in, say, the first itty bitty region of your nasal passages, then you might not detect it with a rapid test.

Essentially, to get a positive rapid test when you have COVID--

You need to properly perform your rapid test by swabbing for a long enough period of time at the right depth in your nose, with the right technique, and then add the sample to the buffer properly

You need to have infected cells in that part of your nose

Those infected cells need to be at the stage where they're beginning to lyse to release the virus (and therefore the surface junk that the test can detect)

You need to be using a test that works well to detect whichever strain you have

And you need enough sample to be detected

One of the reasons why false negatives are so much less common with a PCR test is that a PCR test is not detecting how much viral protein is in your nose. Instead of asking how much protein exists (which depends on a lot of factors, particularly how long you've been infected and what stage of the infection you're at), a PCR test is asking a yes or no question: is there any viral genetic material* in ya nose? Because if there is any, even a teeny amount, PCR can amplify it. That's what PCR does. Zero times anything is zero, so if you don't have COVID, there won't be any viral genetic material to amplify. But if there's a tiny amount, then PCR will exponentially amplify it so you can see that yes, it's there!

But a rapid test doesn't amplify anything, so it's not asking a qualitative question ("Is there any virus in my nose?"). It's asking a quantitative one ("How much virus is in my nose?"), and it's very easy for the answer to be, "Not enough to show up right now."

The viral genetic material can remain in your body for a long enough time that you can test positive on a PCR test well after you've recovered and are no longer contagious. However, a rapid test will not continue to be positive unless you've got cells actively infected with the virus shitting out lots of viral particulars to be detected by the rapid test. So if you're testing positive on a rapid test, you could still get people sick because your infected cells are actively producing more virus.

Finally, I like to tell people that rapid COVID tests are essentially the same as home pregnancy tests in terms of false results. It's incredibly easy to get false negatives on home pregnancy tests when you're early in a pregnancy. That's because, similar to COVID rapid tests, home pregnancy tests aren't actually asking a yes or no question ("Are you pregnant?"), but instead are asking a quantitative one ("How much of this one specific hormone have you got in your pee?"). Anything from being too early in your pregnancy, to diluting your urine too much from drinking a shitload of fluids (Looking at you, popular quirky film Juno), to not getting enough pee on the stick will give you a false negative.

Meanwhile, false positives are super rare (which I had to explain to my mother, who did not believe I was pregnant until her colleague explained that actually home pregnancy tests are exponentially more accurate than they were in the 80s when she was having kids). If you have a positive test, it's almost invariably because you have enough hormone in your pee, as a result of being pregnant, to react with the test.**

COVID rapid tests work the same way. A positive test means that you almost definitely have COVID, whereas a negative test could mean that you don't have COVID ... or that you DO have it, but that for whatever reason, it's not showing up on the test.

All this to say:

If you have COVID symptoms and a negative rapid test, assume you have COVID unless you have a negative PCR test as well

If you've had COVID and are still testing positive on a rapid test, you are probably still contagious and should act like it

All of the info about how long you need to isolate for is absolute bullshit capitalist propaganda, and if you CAN isolate until you're testing negative, please do so. COVID doesn't "know" that you "aren't supposed to be contagious" after 5 days.

If you DEFINITELY don't have COVID, but you're sick, please still behave with compassion and thoughtfulness for other people. For many of us, a "little cold" can be ruinous.***

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk, etc. And sorry, OP, for rambling on!

*I'm being a little annoying here because while SARS-CoV2 is an RNA virus (its genetic material is RNA), PCR only works to amplify DNA. So you have to reverse transcribe (make a DNA copy of) all present RNA, and then amplify that DNA. It's fun.

**I've actually gotten a false positive on a home pregnancy test! It was because I had suffered a miscarriage, and my partner and I resumed trying to conceive before waiting for me to have my next period. So when my next period was late, I thought, "Ooh!" and sure enough, positive test! Except it was because my body was winding down hormone production from the non-viable pregnancy. Oops!

***My kids miss so much fucking school because other kids have parents who send them to school sick, and I'm not that kind of parent. My youngest has reactive airway disease (asthma when you're too little to be diagnosed with asthma) and we have been to the ER at least once every fall since he was 1 year old because of how sick he can get from "a little cold, totally mild." It's awful.

Things I've learned from getting covid for the first time in 2023

I wear an N95 in public spaces and I've managed to dodge it for a long time, but I finally got covid for the first time (to my knowledge) in mid-late November 2023. It was a weird experience especially because I feel like it used to be something everyone was talking about and sharing info on, so getting it for the first time now (when people generally seem averse to talking about covid) I found I needed to seek out a lot of info because I wasn't sure what to do. I put so much effort into prevention, I knew less about what to do when you have it. I'm experiencing a rebound right now so I'm currently isolating. So, I'm making a post in the hopes that if you get covid (it's pretty goddamn hard to avoid right now) this info will be helpful for you. It's a couple things I already knew and several things I learned. One part of it is based on my experience in Minnesota but some other states may have similar programs.

--------

The World Health Organization states you should isolate for 10 days from first having symptoms plus 3 days after the end of symptoms.

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At the time of my writing this post, in Minnesota, we have a test to treat program where you can call, report the result of your rapid test (no photo necessary) and be prescribed paxlovid over the phone to pick up from your pharmacy or have delivered to you. It is free and you do not need to have insurance. I found it by googling "Minnesota Test to Treat Covid"

--------

Paxlovid decreases the risk of hospitalization and death, but it's also been shown to decrease the risk of Long Covid. Long Covid can occur even from mild or asymptomatic infections.

--------

Covid rebound commonly occurs 2-8 days after apparent recovery. While many people associate Paxlovid with covid rebound, researchers say there is no strong evidence that Paxlovid causes covid rebound, and rebounds occur in infections that were not treated with Paxlovid as well. I knew rebounds could happen but did not know it could take 8 days. I had mine on day 7 and was completely surprised by it.

--------

If you start experiencing new symptoms or test positive again, the CDC states that you should start your isolation period again at day zero. Covid rebound is still contagious. Personally I'd suggest wearing a high quality respirator around folks for an additional 8-9 days after you start to test negative in case of a rebound.

--------

Positive results on a rapid test can be very faint, but even a very faint line is positive result. Make sure to look at your rapid test result under strong lighting. Also, false negatives are not uncommon. If you have symptoms but test negative taking multiple tests and trying different brands if you have them are not bad ideas. My ihealth tests picked up my covid, my binax now tests did not.

EDIT: Just remembered another helpful resource for I used and should add, The People's CDC had a link to this directory for the National Alliance on Mental Health Warmline - it's like a confidential hotline for emotional support, so you can call if you're in emotional/mental distress. Can vouch that the person I talked to on the MN warmline was lovely. Can be particularly helpful if you're in isolation and need support.

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I know that there is so much we can't control as individuals right now, and that's frightening. All we can do is try our best to reduce harm and to care for each other. I hope this info will be able to help folks.

[casspurrjoybell-27]

Claimed by the Beast - Chapter 12a

*Warning Adult Content*

Prince Charming - Part 1

Knox chuckles against the wall as he watches Everett do the opposite of what he had taught him.

The boy is standing in front of the punching bag that hangs from the ceiling almost like he fears it.

He's throwing light jabs that would, at most, tickle his opponent.

The two have been working on self-defense techniques for an hour, Knox having had to demonstrate and repeat himself multiple times for Everett and his new short attention span.

Everett's endurance is shit and needs a major upgrade, among other things, considering he broke out in a sweat barely twenty minutes into today's session.

His breathing now comes in short pants, his wild curls have since lost their volume and are currently pushed back with a headband.

His white T-shirt clings to his lean body from both sides, soaked with sweat.

Admittedly, he's more cute than threatening.

"I told you to move around, not remain stationary," Knox calls out. "In the real world, your attacker won't just stand there and let you kick his ass. You have to..."

"Fuck off. I get your thick ass is built for this shit but I'm not," Everett huffs. "This is exhausting. I'm ready to be done."

Knox sighs.

"We've barely begun..."

"I think an hour is good enough to start with," Everett continues, though his punches gradually falter.

"For Christ's sake, I'm not trying out for the army. I'm just a beginner, remember?"

"A beginner who's extremely fragile and weak," Knox adds, his tone soft. "I'm trying to help you become strong. Don't you want to be able to protect yourself when danger strikes?"

"Being strong is overrated. How about that?" Everett stops and takes a minute to center himself by resting against the massive punching bag, every single muscle group screaming for him to run and never look back.

He'd try if he knew he'd be able to get past Knox and reach the door.

"Please," he whines, still struggling to catch his breath. "I think my legs are about to give out and my lungs are on fire. This is torture. When can we quit?"

"When I see you've made actual progress." Knox approaches Everett like a lion stalking its prey, his movements slow and calculated. "First problem... you've been standing too close to the damn bag, and you're hitting it like you're apologetic about it."

Everett doesn't turn around when Knox stops behind him.

But he does gasp at the feeling of warm breath hitting the back of his neck, Knox's body heat slowly tangling with his.

Large hands grip his waist as Knox helps to position him properly and it takes a fucking miracle for both to remain professional about their close proximity.

"Now, when you hit the bag and it swings back at you, it's going to force you to move out of the way or get hit."

Knox shifts Everett's body from left to right.

He doesn't miss, or comment on the flush that travels up the back of Everett's neck.

"Pretend you're dodging someone's fist. Pretend the fucker just disrespected you in front of your friends. Hell, pretend it's Finn, since you hate him so much. Show me how you're going to handle him."

"Like this."

Everett zeroes in on the bag after Knox steps away, swiftly unleashing hell while throwing kicks and punches that produce a much harder sound than the ones he did before.

Knox shouts encouraging words, adding fuel to Everett's fire until the boy eventually drops to the ground, officially tapping out.

"Well? Did I kick his ass or what?" Knox laughs, giving Everett a short round of applause.

"Yeah. That was a lot better than that other shit you were doing."

"Fuck you. I tried my best," Everett chuckles.

He accepts the cold bottle of water that Knox passes him, gulping it down quickly.

"Guns are still a no but I think I can handle a small knife or something. You got one of those lying around?"

"I have plenty. I'll get you one later."

Knox holds out a hand as if to help Everett up from the ground but instead of doing so, he takes Everett off guard by pinning him down on the mat.

"Don't panic," Knox speaks in a low tone, his face expressionless and body controlled as Everett bucks against him. "Remember what I taught you."

"I'm trying. Ugh. This would be way less difficult if..." Everett pauses, briefly glancing at Knox's mouth, then at his shirtless torso and back up to his mouth again.

"If you weren't you."

Knox rolls his eyes, smirking a little while tightening his grip on Everett's wrists.

"Get your mind out of the fucking gutter, kitten. Your life is at stake here. Act like it."

"Ahh. I'm so scared I'm shaking," Everett teases, trying not to laugh. "Someone, anyone, help me!"

"Everett," Knox deadpans. "Cut the shit and be for real."

"Okay, okay..." Everett shuts down his chaotic alter ego long enough to forcefully lift his hips off the ground and push Knox forward to fall.

He works his legs and arms exactly how Knox had taught him as he twists himself using his remaining strength until he's straddling Knox, one hand lightly gripping his throat.

"Now, see, if I had a knife on me..." Everett places a fist to the side of Knox's neck, grinning victoriously. "Your ass would be a dead panda."  

"So you were paying attention to me earlier?" Knox grins, resting his large hands on top of Everett's exposed thighs and squeezing.

"Good boy." Everett's entire body shudders, and he breaks eye contact.

"Don't call me that."

"Why not?" Knox's face no longer matches his playful tone as he arches a brow, feigning curiosity.

He looks dangerous and sexy at the same time.

"You don't want to be my good boy, Everett? My pretty boy, my special boy, my sweet little kitten..."

"You're a damn mess, you know that?" Everett interrupts, flustered, as he rests his hands on Knox's hard abs.

His skin is hot to the touch, body utterly mouthwatering.

The man is a walking temptation.

So much surrounds him that Everett is surprised he hasn't drowned in it yet.

"I'm literally covered in sweat and probably look like a wet dog. How are you like this right now?"

"Like what?" Knox questions, coyly.

"You know..." Everett whispers, blushing. "Still attracted to me."

"Kitten." Knox gives Everett's thighs another squeeze, harder this time, as he rasps...

"You severely underestimate just how badly you do it for me."

The words leave his mouth faster than a cheetah chasing after it's dinner.

Confusion twists at Knox's insides as he frantically begins questioning himself, wondering when and how he became so... sappy?

He turns into a completely different person around Everett.

There's no more denying it.

It shows in the way he carries himself, how he speaks and how his damn body reacts.

He can't remember ever feeling this way towards another human being.

Feeling such a spiritual pull that, sometimes, he swears he can sense the darkness fading from his black soul.

But Everett isn't up for grabs like that.

He's a job.

Someone to be kept alive until this shit show ends with The Jackals. Knox may have claimed him but deep down inside, he knows he can't have the boy.

Not in the ways his body desires.

They can never be more than what they are now.

Roommates.

They're just too different.

Their lives are the polar opposite of each other's.

Anything beyond a friendship could never work.

"Oh. I-I..." Everett stammers.

The blush on his face only adds to the guilt that Knox is choking on.

They shouldn't be doing this.

They shouldn't be touching like this.

It's sending the wrong message.

Or at least that's what Knox tries to convince himself to believe.

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

01/25/2023

wow, an actually good day. i practiced the same old same old, since i really want to get to hang of this basic technique before i try moving forward or trying to learn a simple song.

i tried practicing the muscle memory of chord changes separately from the fine finger placement. surprisingly, i think it really helped when i combined them in the one minute changes minigame.

my scores hovered around 30-32, but i still struggled at going that fast while staying accurate. the main problem is still accidentally muting string 1 in the A chord, and messing up finger pressure in it too.

besodes that, i'm noticably improving, even if it feels slow-going. i'm sure i'll get there in time. just take it one day at a time, guitarhero...!

i think it's also worth noting that my fingers are starting to not hurt as much after sessions. that's good!

also, i (temporarily) solved the amp problem. last night, i realized i had left on for several days the old strip i have the amp plugged into. so last night i switched it off, and today, no sound issues! i'll have to get a new one eventually, but for now, it's good to know how to keep my sound from deteriorating...

thank you for believing in me! thank you!

[whumpsday]

For Kane (During Kane's captivity. I'm not sure how similar our history is with your vampire history. But I think about Vlad the Impaler. Did you know that the impalement technique would actually keep the victims alive for days? Also apologies, I didn’t mean to let it get this long.)

A whumper, or hunter, or whichever approaches Kane's cell. The silver chains are placed around the vampire and he is dragged out...outside.

But it is night time. The middle of the night actually. But the hunters are abuzz with something new, something...terrible.

It is a thick metal pole, a couple of inches thick, made out of silver. The top end rounds off to a soft point, which is actually made out of steel.

The pole, pointed end first, is pushed up and into Kane's body. The point being made of steel does not burn, it stretches and breaks Kane's intestines. But now that it is inside of Kane's body cavity, the soft pointed end isn't sharp enough to pierce any of his organs, it just pushes the organs out of the way. The length of the pole is silver, so as Kane's insides slide around the pole, he burns.

The pole is forced into a slight angle. If the hunters wanted to, they could angle it into his stomach, punch through his esophagus and up through Kane’s throat and out through his mouth. But the hunters angle the pole so it barely misses his throat. They have to shove the pole hard to get it to pierce his muscles and flesh. It finally breaks through the skin where his neck and shoulder meet. And there you have it, A vampire on a stick…well silver pole. The hunters give Kane a moment to adjust. If there is any adjusting to be had. Then they lift him up, they prop up the pole, letting his feet dangle. The pole would slide further, but his insides are burned to the pole now. The hunters secure the pole. They secure him. They let him hang there, burning from the inside out. And then the sun rises. 

thank you @lost-in-labradorite-halls, who let me know that they are this anon!

this is fucking HORRIFIC (compliment). the absolute cruelty of this scenario had me completely stunned when i first read it last night. i literally can't even make this canon because it'd undoubtedly be the worst experience of kane's life and i already have references to other things being his worst, but holy shit.

so @whumpshaped and i decided to make this canon to our spk crossover instead! credit to it for coming up with some of the ideas in this response!!! so just imagine the above ask says "seth" instead of "the hunters".

for anyone who hasn’t read the crossover / tamara’s series, quick basics: seth (sir to kane) = whumper, pumpkin = fellow (human) whumpee.

content: impalement, torture, vampire whumpee, burns, begging, death wish / suicidal ideation, starvation, gore

-

Kane started begging the second he saw the pole.

He was already in pain, the silver chains burning his skin, wrapped tight around him. He was already afraid, being brought outside. It may have been nighttime now, but he knew that Sir rarely brought him out to not have a little "fun". But the pole increased his fear exponentially, and he was soon proven right as his pleas were ignored.

Kane had pulled more silver intrusions out of his body than he could remember, but nothing like this. It just kept going, slowly, further and further, skewering the entire length of his body with burning agony.

He tried to keep begging for mercy, it was all he had. But the more coherent promises of "Please sir, I'll be good, I'll do anything, please stop!" gave way to a babbling stream of "Please please please please please!", and eventually just to broken screaming when the pain got to be too much for him to consistently form words. The end of the pole tore through his shoulder, ripping an agonized cry from his throat. Everything hurt. He was burning from the inside out.

Sir lifted Kane up by the pole, too high for his feet to touch the ground, and propped it up. He gurgled with the sharp increase in pain as his body, burnt to the pole, caught on the silver and dragged.

Sir set up the video camera. Kane hadn't known what it was before, with the hunters, but Sir liked to play the videos back for him and make him watch, so he knew now.

"I'm going back to bed. We’ll see how nice you turn out tomorrow.”

The words cut through the haze of pain, igniting new panic in him. He was going to be left in the sun like this.

Kane wailed desperately. “NO! Please, sir, please! I can’t do this! M-mercy, mercy, please d-don’t do this to me, please please please-”

Sir smirked. “I let you feed today, leech. That was so you’d heal quickly and I could have more fun with you sooner. If you’re going to be so ungrateful, maybe I won’t allow you blood anymore.”

Kane could barely comprehend the threat of returning to total starvation in the face of what was about to happen to him. He shook his head as much as he could without hitting it against the pole protruding from his shoulder. “Please.”

Sir walked up to him and patted him on the cheek. “Good night.”

With the click of Sir’s back door, Kane was alone under the open sky.

There wasn’t much time until sunrise, he could tell. He’d gotten really good at telling. As the dread rose, he tried briefly to struggle against the chains burning his outsides and the pole burning his insides, seeing if there was any way he could get free, but the amount of pain that any movement caused was so severe that he gave up almost immediately, resigned to his terrible fate.

The sun, as always, was unforgiving in its wrath. When Sir left him out in the sun, it was usually with him strapped to the board the hunters had passed along with him like an included accessory, meaning only his front side burned. Now that he was restrained from the inside, every inch of his skin was exposed to the light.

There was no part of him that didn’t burn, inside or out. He’d thought he’d become intimately acquainted with pain, that he’d experienced the worst life had to offer, but this new agony stole the crown for the most he’d ever had to bear at once.

Kane wished for death to take him. It was far from the first time. Pumpkin had told him about the human religion they followed, about heaven and hell. Although he didn’t believe it himself, the mere concept had frightened him: he’d viewed death as an escape from pain, and although Pumpkin had assured him that they thought he would go to the heaven after death, Kane knew that would not be the case from what they’d told him about how it worked. But surely, whatever hell entailed, it couldn’t possibly be worse than this.

As much as he wanted to die, he couldn’t, forced to experience as much pain as his owner wanted, no matter how much he thought he couldn’t take it.

After hours and hours of burning, Sir finally returned to take him inside, dragging him by the pole. The pain from the movement was monumental, but Kane tried his best to show as little signs of extra distress as possible. He knew how Sir’s games worked. He could practically hear the Well, if you want to stay outside so much, don’t let me stop you. Luckily, in his current state, he was not capable of showing much of a reaction in the first place. He could barely move, and his lips were fused together by the sun.

Stairs. He couldn’t see, but Kane knew he was going down the basement stairs, the thunk thunk thunk of the pole aggravating everything inside him with terrible, new pain.

He was tossed to the ground with a groan. Normally, he would try to roll over onto his back after coming in from the sun. An agonizing process, but at least once he’d finished, his burnt skin wasn’t pressed into the hard floor. But this time, there were no parts of his skin left unburnt, save for the parts where his sides and arms touched each other. There was no slightly more comfortable position to move to. Everything was pain. Even inside him, the silver pole still actively burning away.

“Kane, oh no no no...” Pumpkin’s distressed voice soothed his nerves slightly, just knowing they were here. He wasn’t alone anymore.

He knew Sir had to have gone back upstairs, Pumpkin wouldn’t be calling him by his name if that wasn’t the case. Take it out. Please take it out. He wanted to wail it out loud, but he couldn’t speak, instead making a long, low whine of misery.

“I’m going to get that out of you, okay?” Pumpkin said.

Yes, please take it out.

After a moment’s pause, Pumpkin started ripping the pole from him. The pain of his insides tearing as the pole pulled the viscera away with it was overwhelming, new burns forming as the tearing revealed new territory for the silver to touch. A scream erupted from Kane’s throat, only slightly muffled by his burned-together lips.

Pumpkin stopped pulling. “Sorry, I’m sorry!”

Kane began to panic. Pumpkin thought he wanted them to stop. No no no, he needed it out of him! He needed it out of him right now, no matter how much it would hurt! He made frantic, urgent sounds, trying his best to communicate his desperation to his friend.

“You want me to keep going?” Pumpkin asked.

“Mm!” Yes! He couldn’t stand it for another second. He just wanted the burning to stop. Even if both his insides and outsides would continue to be in agonizing pain while he healed, at least he wouldn’t get any more burned.

“Okay. I’m sorry.” Pumpkin sounded so sad. Kane wished he wasn’t making them sad. He knew they were grossed out, too. They always tried to hide it and act like they weren’t, but it was obvious that Pumpkin found him disgusting when he was brought in like this, all freshly burnt. That the smell alone made them gag. It made him want to curl up in the corner and hide himself away, but he never could while in a state like this.

Pumpkin kept pulling. Kane tried his best to stay quiet as the silver tore his insides to shreds, but he couldn’t help but whimper and whine from the pain.

At last, it was out. As Kane trembled, he could hear Pumpkin dragging it further and further away, and a metallic clang as they dropped it against the floor.

-

It had been three days since Kane had started recovering. It didn’t take weeks, like it did with the hunters, now that he was allowed blood sometimes. Not enough blood, never enough to drive the hunger away, and certainly not enough for his healing time to be regular, but he should be mostly better by the end of the week.

For now, he’d at least regained the ability to speak. Which was why he had to ask, when Sir came down to give Pumpkin their meal.

“Sir?” he piped up quietly. He didn’t usually draw attention to himself, that was dangerous. But he had to know as soon as possible.

“Hm?” Sir turned his gaze on him, causing Kane to cower.

“Did... did I do something wrong? If I did, please, what was it?” He couldn’t go through this again. He would do anything to avoid it.

Sir smiled. "Oh leech, don’t worry. It wasn’t a punishment. I just got a fun idea and wanted to try it."

“Oh.” Kane said softly.

He could barely even process the thought that maybe that means that now that it’s been tried, it won’t happen again before Sir continued-

"And since it went so well, we could make it routine."

Kane’s heart dropped into his burnt stomach. He was going to have to do that again. Routine. That didn’t just mean again, that meant regularly.

He curled in on himself and began to cry. It was just so hopeless. There was nothing he could do. He could barely muster the energy to beg, feeling as though it would never work, simply whimpering out a weak “Please.”

“Just joking, leech. Got you good, though.”

The whiplash hit him so fast he could practically feel the sting of it, relief coursing through every inch of his half-healed body. “Thank you, sir! Thank you, thank you so much for not doing it, thank you...”

A reminder that things could always be worse.

[aio-rya]

Kabedon! Diasomnia Headcanons

Fem!Reader SO x Diasomnia

「Requested by: Anon」

Sebek ⚡

・You trying to pin him against the wall will only result in him, as tall as he is, pulling you apart and kneeling to check on your body to see that you have not hurt yourself.

・He thought you had stumbled. The height difference between you was relatively large so that was the most logical conclution for him.

・Of course he would check on you immediatly, after all, you were his significant other, the most important person in his life aside Malleus, so he was never letting anyone or anything hurt you.

・You will blush madly, he will immediately notice and stand up, placing his hand on your forehead and your cheeks trying to perceive if you have caught a fever.

・When you move from his touch and look away, he will ask —or, well, shout— with a concerned look "What's going on?" trying to hug you.

・With a defeated sigh, you will explain that you were trying to caught him between your arms against the wall to look a bit intimidating but in a romantic way, maybe planning just to look at him, maybe planning to steal a kiss from him, maybe just to look at his reaction...

・He smiles, kindly as he takes you between his strong arms and whispers that it's fine. He will not get that serious over those little details you're trying to do.

・Next time you try it, he will remember that first failed experiment so he could avoid another overeaction.

Silver 🗡️

・Maybe trying to surprise him this way will be easier, since he's drowsy most fo the time you spend together. It's not because of his Narcolepsy but because of his trust on you.

・He was about to yawn when you pinned his back against the wall, you have caught him with his guard down, his eyes widened as he stared directly at yours.

・"What's going on, [y/n]? Is everything all right?", he asked while his hands moved to caress your arms lightly. You looked away and folded your arms slowly until he finally grabbed you in his arms. You sighed, smelling his sweet parfum, some combination between flowers and a bitter but lovely man smell.

・You explained him what you were trying to do, and that you just failed since you couldn't hold his stare.

・He will just giggle and gently pull you away as he stretched your arms and placed your hands against the wall again, over his shoulders.

・He leaned back and looked down with a tender smile to see you, blushed. "What's supposed to happen next?", he asks as you tiptoe to —or at least to try to— reach his height.

・He loves your surprised expression when he acts as if nothing happened but willing to try again as long as this can make you happy. He couldn't completely understand the finality of this behaviour, but since it involves only you both, he may believe it's one of those "couple things" he must learn more about.

・Surely you're shorter than him, but that's the enchanting thing of the whole situation. There's nothing Silver would not do for you, the love of his life.

Lilia 🦇

・Trying to caught this old man distracted is one of the most difficult things in the world. You must have a good plan.

・"Fufufu~ darling, are you trying to push me up against the wall?", he will ask with a mischievous smile, placing a strand of your hair behind your ear and a hand on your waist. Leaning forward, his nose almost touching yours as you blushed and tried to gently free yourself.

・He started walking towards the opposite part of the hallway until your back hit the wall behind you, he lifted your chin with a finger and looked you straight in the eyes. He was amazed that you tried it, even knowing about his reaction speed and his obvious anticipation.

・"Such an ingenious attempt, my dear", he chuckles, you know Lilia enjoy teasing you often and he's going to take advantage of your nervousness right then and there. You're the cutest human he has ever seen, and he loves to see every face of you.

・"I'll try it again..." you whispered, facing him with determination. He bursted into a sweet but hilarious laughter as he let go of your body and started walking to your destiny together.

・As his significant other, he's willing to fake surprise or even to get his guard down for you to make as you please. He's an expert on pranks and teases, that includes the one you just tried on him. You won't get with it that easy but, eventually... You will.

・You may think of trying again, but he will find out about your thoughts, putting it harder each time to see how far can you get to have your payback. So he will approach hanging off the ceiling and scare you, he's always a step ahead!

Malleus ✨

・In this case, the situation will completely turn around.

・"Well, well... What do we have here?", he will ask, trapping you between his body and the wall. It's not difficult to understand the situation: he just turned it to his convenience and you were the victim now.

・"You are brave for your size, human child", take it as a compliment. You're smaller than him but that didn't stop you from trying, and you are not frightened by him, oh no. He's aware of it, that's why he turned tables: he wanted to see your reaction.

・You blushed slightly but that didn't stop you from facing him with a smirk. Your beloved Tsunotaro wanted to know the reason of the sudden decision of trying to immobilise him.

・"A romantic gesture?", he ask. Well, he thought that romantic gestures were thing like giving flowers, chocolates, a poem or two, maybe a song, dancing under the moonlight, going on a date to some lonely place and appreciate gargoyles together... But this?

・You will hug him and hide your face on his coat as you quietly explain that you just wanted to try something new, some way to surprise him since he's always a gentleman. Acting as if you were the most valuable treasure in the world. Being the princess of his prince, literally.

・He will let that pass since he didn't even know what's next now that you're against the wall, looking at him as he leans forward, his face so close to yours. He will let go of you, would you try it again? Maybe. Would he let you get away with it? Maybe. After all, you, his beloved human, keep surprising him.

・Later, he will ask Lilia for advice like what was the romantic objective of that... Wall-slamming thing. When he finds out that it is useful as some human seduction technique or to steal a kiss from you, well... Prepare yourself. Malleus will to try it and you can't scape.

ー・Φ・ー

I'm alive, I'm alive, oh yeah～♪♪

「If you caught the reference, I love you」

I'm sorry for taking so long, but finally I'm free and I'll be fulfilling your request this week! Plus, I have a little surprise for you all～

I hope you like this one!

[rocksandrobots]

Of Rocks and Robots Ch. 20 - Therapy

Varian sat on the leather couch inside the doctor’s office nervously bouncing his knee up and down. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to run, but he knew that would upset Aunt Cass who was seated on the chair next to the door.

This was meant to be his first therapy session and he didn’t know what to expect, or to say, or what to do. Both Hiro and Wasabi had told him that all he had to do was talk to the doctor about his problems, but Varian didn’t really feel like talking. He didn’t feel like delving into his past and reliving those painful memories. Moreover, he didn’t want anyone in this world to know of his mistakes, even if they were just a stranger.

Just then the door opened and a tall woman with short bobbed hair and glasses walked in. She wore a white lab coat and held in her hand a clipboard and pen.

“Hello, Miss Templeton. Are we here to see Hiro today?” The woman asked Aunt Cass.

“Oh hi, Dr. Mcguire.” Aunt Cass stood up to shake her hand. “No, I called earlier and told the secretary this, but I’d like you to meet Varian. Varian this is Dr. Mcguire. She’s our family therapist.”The woman smiled and shook his hand as well, as Aunt Cass contunited. “Varian is from Europe and I’m fostering him while he’s here in the states.”  

“Oh exciting!” The woman enthused. “Is this your first therapy session, Varian?”

Varian nodded his head numbly, still too unsure of himself to speak.

“Well there’s many different types of therapy. I’m a grief counselor. I use different techniques to help people deal with loss or trauma, such as, listening to people talk about their feelings and problems, helping people develop healthy coping mechanisms for anxiety or depression, helping people pinpoint or understand where their underlying issues are and what might cause them to react the way they do to certain situations, and basically anything else that helps the patient cope with their grief.”

Varian listened to the woman intently but none of what she said made any sense to him. He knew what all those words individually meant on their own but all together it just sounded like a word salad to him. He had no idea what any of that actually entailed in practice.

"Well, now Varian, tell me a little about yourself?" The doctor asked as she sat at her desk.

Varian only stared blankly at her, unsure what she wanted to hear.

Dr. Mcguire expounded "Do you have any interests or hobbies?"

Varian looked back to Aunt Cass questionly and she gave him an encouraging smile and a go on motion with her hands.

"Ummm...I like alchemy."

"Alchemy? Like the history of it, or is that some new video game I haven't heard of yet?" Dr. Mcguire gently laughed at herself. "My kids are always trying to get me into the lastest gaming craze and I can never seem to get the hang of it."

Varian once again could only stare. He'd played a few video games with Hiro and Fred, but he had no idea what was deemed popular or not. Nor did he know how to explain to this woman that he was a practitioner of a long dead science.

When this didn't elect a response from him the doctor tried a new line of questioning.

"Do you have a favorite video game?"

Varian shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't played many of them. We didn't have video games back in Old Corona."

"That's the city he came from." Aunt Cass explained. "Varian is from a Russia territory."

"Oh. Well, what did you play in Old Corona?" Dr. Mcguire asked.

"Not much." Varian racked his brain for a childhood game, but there had been no other kids to play with and his dad was not much for chess.

"My cellmate and I would play 'Noughts and Crosses' to pass the time. It's a little like Gomoku, but you try to get three in a row instead of five, and you just draw an X or O on to a grid you drew in the sand instead of having a board and colored pieces.'

"Oh we call that tic-tac-toe here." Aunt Cass cheerfully said, not immediately picking up on his mention of being in jail.

The doctor however did notice. "Cellmate?" She asked with concern.

Varian clamped his mouth shut at that. He didn't want to go into why he had been in prison, certainly not with Aunt Cass there.

Sensing the Varian's discomfort and seeing Dr. Mcguire's confusion, Aunt Cass spoke up. "I'm guessing the secretary didn't give you the forms we filled out?"

"No, I'm afraid not. I saw your name on the appointment and just assumed it was time again for Hiro's session. I'm sorry, that was unprofessional of me to assume and not come prepared. Would you like to reschedule?"

Aunt Cass looked to Varian. "It's up to you, sweetie."

Varian really didn't want to go through all this again. "No. I'm good."

"Well do you feel like talking about what's wrong then?" Asked Mcguire.

Varian tightened his jaw, unsure how to say no to the woman. But Dr. Mcguire knew her business and understood what Varian meant even without words.

"It's ok." She soothed. "You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to. We're not here to make you feel uncomfortable. Therapy is supposed to help, not hurt."

This relaxed Varian a little, but only a little. He didn't know what either adult wanted from him then.

"Varian, would it help if I left?" Aunt Cass offered. "Or would you prefer that I stay? Either one is fine. It's your choice."

Varian looked back and forth between both women trying to decide. He honestly didn't know which would be more stressful; dealing with the doctor alone or risking slipping up again and having Aunt Cass find out about his past crimes.

"I...maybe?" He eventually answered.

"Alright then. I'll be just right outside the door if you need me." She stood up, walked over to Varian, gave him a peck on the forehead and an encouraging smile before closing the door and leaving.

Varian had to admit, he could breath more easily now that she'd left the room.

"Well," Dr. Mcguire spoke back up, "if you rather not talk about your issues right now, would you like to write about them instead?"

Varian gave her a confused look and in response she dug into a drawer in her desk and pulled out a notebook.

"Sometimes people find it easier to write about things than to talk about them. I often give my patiences journals, so that they can get out their feelings about stuff, make goals and plans, or to help keep track of their triggers and their responses."

She handed the notebook to Varian. It was thin and curiously printed on the front were images of lizards with hats and sunglasses riding upon skateboards. Varian might have thought it absurd looking but he was distracted by something that the doctor had said.

"Triggers?" He asked.

"A 'trigger' is anything that might make someone remember their trauma. It can be anything from a familiar sound or object, to an action or situation that is similar to an event that the person went through. When someone who's been through trauma comes across one of their triggers they might experience a panic attack, flashbacks, get angry or upset, or even completely shut down so to speak."

Varian studied the woman thoughtfully. Wasabi had described what a panic attack felt like and it sounded eerily similar to what he had felt when he ran away that day. The way he felt after having a nightmare. The way he'd felt when he had come home to find his dad unmoving in the amber.

“Do..do nightmares count?” He asked hesitantly.

“Well, yes, in a way. Nightmares are often associated with PTSD. They are a way for your mind to process what has happened to you. But they can also be caused by other things, like stress, anxiety, or just a lack of sleep. You’d have to dream about something multiple times and analyze those dreams in order to figure out their cause.”

She paused and studied Varian intently before continuing. "Some people write dream diaries to track the patterns of what they dream and when. You write what you've dreamed, good or bad, when you wake up. You also may write things like what time you went to bed, how long did you sleep, or what you may have eaten that day as those can affect how well you sleep."

"You could use your journal for that." She gently suggested.

"Then...then I show it to you?" He asked in kind.

"If you want to. Though, once again, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to."

"But, if I did, would it help?" Varian pressed, "Would it get rid of them?"

"It might help." The woman said measuredly. "Though it might not. Or you may need to do that along with a combination of things. The only way to find out is to try it."

Dr. Mcguire gave him a soft smile and Varian turned her words over in his mind. He would love for the nightmares to stop. They had only become more frequent since he moved in with the Hamada's. As if deep down he feared this new change in his life would become permanent and his subconscious was warning him to return home before it was too late. But, even still, while the doctor was right about not knowing till you tried, he worried over his past and what she or others might think of him once known. Then again, no reason to take a dream literally, right?

"I've..I...I've been having nightmares lately." He finally admitted. Dr. Mcguire only nodded along. She most likely had already guessed as much, but she didn't interrupt.

"They're always different. Like they're about different things. Sometimes they're about my home or my dad, sometimes about my friends, both old and new, and sometimes about, ummm, being in jail." He muttered this last part but then quickly contunited on, "They all end the same way though. With me being alone."

He met the doctor's eyes questioningly, wondering how she might respond. She looked to be contemplating over what he'd just confessed.

"Hmmm…Well dreams are rarely the same each time. It's usually just the repeated elements that we look for when analyzing. That's how the journal would help. But it looks like you figured out one of those elements on your own. Does being alone scare you?"

Varian looked at her wide eyed. He didn't know how to feel about having one of his greatest fears pointed out to him. It was true of course, but he didn't like to admit it.

"A, little." He admitted sheepishly.

"A lot of people fear being alone. We're social creatures. Humans need other humans and so we seek out relationships. It's nothing to be embarrassed about." Mcguire tried to ease his fear.

"Were you on your own in jail? Did you feel alone there?" She pressed.

"No, well sometimes, but like I said I at least had a cellmate. That's better than when I was completely on my own before then."

Dr. Mcguire face grew more concerned but she didn't pursue anything else about his time alone. Instead she asked, "Were you friends with your cellmate?"

"No." Varian scoffed, complaining about Andrew was easier than talking about his time spent on the run. "Dude was a creep."

"Oh, did you fight with him often?"

"Not usually. In fact we got along fine, but that's only because he'd pretend to be nice to get what he wanted. I always knew that's what he was doing, but I, guess I just went along with it because….because it was better than not talking to anybody at all."

Dr. Mcguire furrowed her brow, "What did he want from you then?"

Varian wiggled in his seat at that. He didn't want to go into the prison break and what followed thereafter. "Just….stuff."

This did not ease the doctor's fear. "How old were you when you went to jail?"

"I had just turned fifteen." He didn't know where this was going.

"And your cellmate was what, also fifteen, sixteen?" She guessed.

"Oh no. Corona doesn't have, what did the policeman call it, 'juvenile detention center.' Anyways, uh, I'm not sure what age Andrew was. He never said, but I would guess, like, late twenties?" Varian shrugged but he only became even more confused when he noted the look of horror on Dr Mcguire's face.

"And where were the guards when he was making you do… stuff?" She tried to hide it but Varian could still hear the way her voice shook.

"Ummm...well the guards make their rounds of the cells every ten minutes and stand guard at the door between then. Or they're supposed to, anyways. Sometimes they're late or they're switching shifts, or even sometimes asleep." He broke from his matter of fact statement with a little laugh. "I once saw Pete the guard fall asleep while standing up and Stan, the other guard, had to prop him up with his spear to keep the Captain from noticing." He whispered conspiratorially as if imparting some juicy bit of gossip.

But the doctor wasn't amused.

"It would appear that your home country has a very different legal system than ours." She stated as if trying to find a way to navigate Varian's revelations.

"I'll say." He snorted. Complaining about the conditions of the dungeon itself didn't bother him as much as admitting how he'd got there. He supposed it was because everyone suffered the same indignity as he did while there. So he didn't feel singled out.

"I saw what those cells down at the police station here looked like last week. Let me tell you. They were pristine." He began to number the differences on his fingers." Clean, not drafty, there were toilets, electric lights. I was on the bottom floor of the dungeon and all we had was a grate on the ceiling that let the tiniest bit of light and air in from the cell above us. Of course that wasn't much cause that cell only had a small window to begin with."

The doctor interrupted his ramble. "But what about when you were aloud outside?"

"Outside?" He echoed in confusion. "We never went outside. Who'd let criminals out of their cells willingly?"

Dr. Mcguire darted her eyes back and forth as if equally flabbergasted. "But, but what about for exercise!? Showers!? Mealtimes!?"

Varian looked at her unsure how to answer, now only realising just how vastly different the two realities really were.

"We ate in the cells." He said flatly in lieu of anything else. "Is the food better here too?"

"I don't know? What did they serve you?"

"Usually gruel, or bread and water. Sometimes we'd get scraps from the castle's kitchen. Like leftover bone broth before it went bad. I guess not to starve us completely."

"Castle?" She echoed hollowly.

"The jail is underneath the government's palace." He explained.

"And is that the only prison? Wouldn't that get over full?"

"Yeah, it does. That's why they only keep people there until they ship them off on the prison barge or…. til they hang them." He quietly admitted.

This seemed to be the last straw for the doctor.

She took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to compose herself.

"Well, that..uh..we seem to be reaching near the end of our session. How about we bring Miss. Templeton back in?" She flashed him a strained grin, but Varian knew she was rattled and he feared he'd said too much or had done the wrong thing.

"You mean Aunt Cass?" He asked.

"Yes. So you call her 'aunt' too?" He nodded. " Well let's get your aunt in here and we'll talk about how best to continue your therapy."

Dr. Mcguire walked out and Varian could hear her and Aunt Cass having a hushed and hurried conversion. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he knew it was about him. Soon after, they both reentered the room and Aunt Cass took a seat next to him on the couch.

Dr. Mcguire sat at her desk again and proceeded to make an announcement.

"So Varian and I have talked a little and he's decided that he's going to keep a dream diary, which he can share with me during our next few sessions if he would like. However, I feel that Varian might benefit from seeing a specialist."

Varian heart dropped. He was being turned away? He'd somehow managed to screw up his first therapy session so bad the doctor was pawning him off to someone else.

"But, aren't you a specialist?" Aunt Cass asked, equally confused.

"Yes, but I deal with post trauma, sudden events, like a car accident or the recent death of a family member. After talking to Varian, it appears he's been through prolonged trauma. It'll take a few more sessions to confirm this but, he may have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's related to regular PTSD, there is some overlap in symptoms, but ultimately it requires different treatment."

Varian's stomach began to churn and he felt his heartbeat quicken. All he heard, behind the doctor's unfamiliar terminology, was that he was somehow, wrong or broken, more so than even the troubled patients she normally worked with. He wanted to cry, but instead he blinked back tears as Dr. Mcguire contunited.

"I have the name of a psychiatrist that I can recommend. I've worked with him before alongside other patients."

She handed a business card to Aunt Cass who leaned forward to take from her. As she read it the doctor went on.

"Dr. Brown deals with former soldiers, war refugees, abuse victims, and others who've had to endure extremely harsh conditions. He's better experienced in such cases and as a psychiatrist he can also prescribe any medicine that Varian might need."

"Medicine!?" Varian exploded and both women looked at him with concern. "But, but I'm not sick." He whined in protest.

Dr. Mcguire stood up and walked over to him. She knelt down to his level and looked him in the eye.

"I don't know if you are or aren't, diagnoses of mental illnesses take time, but you might still need prescribed medication even if you don't have an illness. You mentioned not sleeping well, something as simple as a herbal tea with added melatonin could help with that. However as a psychologist, and not a psychiatrist, I can legally write you a prescription for that, nor should I."

Varian darted his eyes about the room in confusion. Logically what the woman said made sense, he supposed, but that didn't stop his anxiety from raising. He felt cornered. He wanted to run again, but the gentle hand of Aunt Cass upon his shoulder rooted him to the couch.

"Look, you're still welcome to come see me." Dr. Mcguire reassured him. "I'll gladly help you in any way that I can. I just think Dr. Brown could do even more to help you."

"We just want what's best for you." Aunt Cass interjected. "Thank you, Dr. Mcguire. I'll give this Dr. Brown a call today when we get home."

And that was the end of it. They said their goodbyes and left.

On the whole way home, Varian sulked in the passenger seat as he stared dispondingly out the window. He could feel Aunt Cass nervously stealing glances of him, probably afraid he may jump out of the car again and try to run away.

She attempted to say something a few times, but thought better of it and kept quiet. The uncomfortable silence weighing upon them both until they arrived back at the Luck Cat.

Varian tore out of the car, pounded up the stairs, and was just about to run towards his new room, when he heard Aunt Cass say. "We need to talk."

Varian found himself sitting on a couch for the second time that day. This one in Hamada living room. He eyed Aunt Cass pensively and waited for yet another lecture.

"Sooo, I know that didn't go as well as we hoped today, but hey, we made some progress!" She gave him a plastered grin as she tried to find the silver lining. Varian only gave her a look as if she was crazy and rolled his eyes.

She heaved a heavy sigh.

"Varian, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people see special psychiatrists. That's what they're for. They wouldn't exist if people didn't need them."

Varian still refused to meet her gaze.

"Also, not everyone finds the right therapist on their first try. It took me a whole year and three different doctors before I found Dr. Mcguire."

Varian did look at her upon that revelation, this time with surprise on his face.

Aunt Cass gave him a small smile.

"Did you think you were the only one who needed therapy?" She gently teased, before admitting, "I was only 24 when I took in Tadashi and Hiro. I didn't know how to be a parent. I didn't know how to handle two grieving little boys nor the emotional roller coaster I was on as well. I had to get help. I had to try out different doctors, different types of therapy, even took medication for a little while, and it took time but in the end it did make things better for all of us. I just want you to get better as well."

Varian processed this confession as he wrestled with his growing sense of shame and despair.

"But...but…you never did anything to deserve that. It was just a bad thing that happened to you.. I… I on the other hand…I wasn't in that jail for no reason." He confessed before bursting into tears.

"I don't care." Aunt Cass quietly said.

Varian looked back in surprise again. She stood before him with worry etched onto her face.

"I don't care what you did." She reiterated. "It doesn't matter."

She bent down and cupped Varian's face into her hand, just as she did when he returned after running away.

"Varian, no one deserves to be treated the way you were. Especially a child. That..that was just cruel." Her voice broke. "Cruel, and inhumane, and oh god, what ever did they do to you to make you think you deserved it?" It was her turn to cry as she scooped Varian into a hug.

Varian blinked rapidly, both because of the tears and because he hadn't been expecting this reaction. He knew he was at fault. Everyone in the kingdom knew it. They all blamed him for what happened and threw nothing but scorn his way. The only reason that Aunt Cass and everyone else didn't hate him too was because they didn't know, surely. But the sincerity in her voice, the tender loving embrace, the way she put up with him and his stupid mistakes around the house, all made him desperate to believe her. So he hugged her tightly back.

"But.. But.. I'm not 'no one'" The tears flowed freely now. "I'm...I'm…I'm not like anyone. The doctor said so herself, today."

"No!" She pulled away from the embrace to look him dead in the eye. "No. She said you needed help that she couldn't give. Dr. Brown, though, can. He deals with people who've been through what you've been through. You're not alone. You're not broken. You're not weird. And you are most certainly not deserving of being thrown in a dungeon."

She wiped her fingers through his bangs, a sign of affection he'd come to recognize from her, and blinking back tears said, "Oh how I wish I could have been there for you sooner. But I'm here now. And so is Hiro, all your friends, Chief Cruz, Professor Granville, and Dr. Mcguire. Ok? We are all here for you now, and we love you, and nothing is going to change that. And now Dr. Brown will be there for you too. So please, let us help you."

Varian searched her eyes. These were words he had longed to hear for who knew how long, but when faced with them for real he had trouble giving into them; to believing them. The nagging voice in his head was screaming at him, warning him that it wasn't true, that they would all abandon his as soon as he screwed up or they found out the truth of his past, the same as how everyone else had given up on him, told him how he didn't deserve such kindness, ect.,but he didn't care. He wanted it to be true.

He nodded yes and flung his arms around Aunt Cass again. They remained that way, just holding each other for several minutes. While Aunt Cass stroked his hair and cooed reassuring words. How she loved him, how she wasn't going anywhere, how he was her child now and nothing would change that. He wasn't sure if he was ready to accept her as a parent yet, to him his dad was the only parent he needed, but he deeply appreciated all that she had done, all that she promised to do, and it felt good to finally be accepted somewhere, to be wanted .

When they finally stopped hugging Aunt Cass said she was going to call Dr. Brown and set up an appointment. She then stroked the top of his head again and asked if he wanted to help her bake something special for dinner. He nodded yes and they both put the unfortunate incident at the therapist behind them.

[datdragonslayer]

Not very happy with today, I tried a new technique with the ink and I couldn't get it to replicate the results I saw in different videos. But Inktober is about getting better at using ink, so this is a stepping stone to paint with it! If I keep practicing eventually I'll get the hang of it.

[kozukenkitten]

It's completely fine tho, sweetie! I know you tried helping me, and I really appreciate that. But brooooo at least you know French, or rather somewhat, and one of my new friends knows Russian. I so wanna learn a new language!!! But there's no one to teach me :/ And about my test! I got them all delayed. I talked to the principal, and I'll be giving my tests later woo hoo! Also, baking is just an adorable hobby! Unfortunately I've never been able to get into cooking for some reason ;-; – 🍰

I'm glad to hear you were able to get them delayed! That's such a big help! It'll give you time to study and to deal with the stuff going on in your life (I remember you mentioning having to move, so I'm betting y'all are still transitioning through and recovering from that process, so having some time to deal with that without worrying about those tests is probably really helpful).

And yeah, if I could help, I would. 😅 I was a tutor for both English Composition 1&2 and the various Intro to Costume/Costume Construction courses in college, and was the resident mom-friend, so people I knew always came to me for help when they missed a class that we shared to borrow my notes, or when they didn't understand something about the assignments. So helping people out with homework or test prep is nothing new to me, and I really enjoy it! (That's part of why I eventually want to go back and get my masters in costume design & production, so I can teach for a living while still working in the trade I love. 🥰)

If you're wanting to learn a new language, it might be worth picking up an app like Duolingo, just to start familiarizing yourself with the structure of sentences in the language, start learning vocabulary, and learning some of the verbs and their conjugated forms! It's not great for really going in depth enough to be fluent, but it's a good start, and it's something that's free that you can do without having to hunt down a teacher. They also have chat rooms where you can practice the languages with other people, which can be helpful as a practical application of the written language. The practice modules can get a bit repetitive, but if you can get past that, it's not too bad. There are also a surprising number of people on tumblr who are willing to help you practice their language by sending them asks. (I think I saw a someone from China helping someone from the US with their mandarin practice a day or two ago by letting them practice their written skills by chatting with them over anon?) People are generally happy to help you practice as long as you're respectful and show that you're really trying!

Baking and cooking are a lot of fun, but they're the kind of hobby you have to learn a lot of techniques and skills by actually doing them yourself, so sometimes it can be frustrating before it gets fun if you try to learn something too advanced too soon. Even if you follow a recipe just right, sometimes it won't turn out right because your technique was a little off or something. (I may or may not have told my fiancé that he's never allowed to ask me to make any dish which requires the melting of cheese into a sauce, because I've attempted to make homemade mac n cheese or other cheese-sauce based dishes from scratch with no extra tricks, ie the addition of milk or heavy cream, at his request, and every time, I just suck at it so badly that I've wasted a lot of cheese and other ingredients because the final product was inedible because of the consistency being so off. I have cried over many a failed dish, usually involving cheese being melted into a sauce. 😅) It's hard to get the hang of, and it can be frustrating, but when you actually do make something edible and delicious on your own, it's totally worth the effort.

Baking is it's own beast altogether, and there's a lot of specificity and technique to it, but it's also super rewarding once you get past the learning curve! And the good thing about baking is, you end up with a tasty sugary treat at the end of it! (My sweet tooth is massive, so most of my cooking and baking tends to skew in that direction.)

Between these hobbies, it makes it a lot easier not to want to eat out all the time, which is a huge money saver, given I live in the U.S., where I was raised with the incredibly unhealthy habit of eating fast food at least once almost daily for the better part of 12 years. (Which is a large part of why I started teaching myself to cook as a broke college student on a scholarship, haha) So I guess you could say it's kind of a hobby I acquired out of necessity for my health and financial safety, but has turned into a really fun, enjoyable thing now that I'm a bit better off than I was when I started.