guitarherobocchimaxxer

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/18/2023

i know i said i would try it out on the amp and get back in the swing of things, but i haven’t. today and yesterday have been hellish for me. i don’t want to get too much into my personal mental state, but this is the worst i’ve been in a long time. mentally, i’m at my limit. i won’t blame myself for struggling to fly high in conditions like this.

nevertheless, i had a nice practice session for about twenty five minutes tonight. it was relaxing and cathartic to just strum some easy chords and patterns away, pluck some easy riffs. i checked my accuracy through the vibrations in my hands and lap as my ears focused equally on the audio i was listening to, about how to cope with living with abusers.

oh paradise, oh inferno, do i wish i could live anywhere but this house, with these people. even though i’m sick, even though i’m disabled and have so little hope. it’s almost invigorating, living through this horseshit. i’m going to get out to spite them, and they’ll wonder where i went and why i won’t come back.

i want to be a better version of myself, and that has to start with my hobbies. as soon as the phobic crisis clears up, i’m going to try to hold myself to a higher standard regarding productivity with my hobbies. i want to get back into the swing of full-length guitar sessions, and generally spend more time doing what really matters to me deep down, instead of idly wasting time in my little quasi-dissociative fugues.

i shrieked in desperation and fear that i wanted to live anywhere else. she callously barked back “THEN DO IT.” as though it were that simple. i want to do it to spite her. i’m tired of sugarcoating it. after everything she’s done, after how little capacity she’s demonstrated to change, to understand me, it’s true. she’s right. i do hate her.

but enough about the negativity. i’ve had enough for one two-day period. for a fucking lifetime.

for the future! for the paradise, the inferno! for me! for you!

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/16/2023

i promise i’ve kept up with it. i just didn’t see much reason to write an entry if it was just going to be “kept the habit today, feel bad about not doing more.”

today i kept the habit and more. i’m working on an original riff of my own creation. here’s the tabs of the very first prototype:

ignore my shit handwriting and formatting and the lack of timing. i’m in a hurry to get to bed and can’t be assed to get it looking like it should on this kind of hurry. sincerest apologies.

i’m going to give it a whirl tomorrow evening and see what variations of it sound nice with what voices and effects. it sounds pretty nice and is fun to play, and i can’t wait to find out what i mean by it. i fucking love my guitar and i love making music. i don’t know why the hell i didn’t try it sooner.

for you, no matter what happens.

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/11/2023

today was a full sized session, 30 minutes, finally. i did chord changes, and i’m starting actual song work on blue water blue sky.

i love my guitar so much, i need to treat it better. i love this thing...

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/07/2023

okay, i’ve come to a decision, after tonight’s practice session. even if i haven’t developed as much as i wanted to, i’m going to move forward. i think some new techniques and information will help me regain my motivation and passion.

i’m going to do my absolute best to make it happen tomorrow. i hope i can do it. i’m sorry about all this. from the bottom of my heart, i’m so sorry about my failures. i’ll continue to do my best.

for you...

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/06/2023

okay, okay, first things first. even though i haven't been posting, i've still kept up practicing. lately has been busy with commitments with friends as well as obligations of the season.

and not that this matters to some people but i feel like shit. i'm having a real rough time lately. i know everyone is, some much worse than i. but it weighs on my mind and keeps me from being what i want to be.

i'll never give up, i'll make every day i physically can. but i am really not capable of much lately, and as much as my first instinct is to berate myself, i know it's not helpful. i will stay here, even if there isn't a here to stay to.

for you...

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/03/2023

short session today because i had to spend most of my time on other, more urgent things. like caring for plants, and personal hygiene, and worrying a lot about someone i love.

i’m really sorry. i just keep letting us all down... i hope one day i can just, get things back on track. i wish i could just summon the willpower. maybe it just takes a little extra willingness to try harder. i’m going to try again tomorrow. just like i try every day. i’ll get there sooner or later. as long as i keep the habit, and believe in myself.

for you...

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/02/2023

fatigue hit me hard today. i still did my best to practice, since it’s the most important thing to me. when working on my minor chord changes, i made a mistake on the a minor chord. i strummed it a few times without fretting the second string. it was kind of beautiful. i don’t know, maybe that’s where i am? maybe i’m a borrowed misapplied mistake that makes someone stop and think. maybe i’m just a hopeful yet lethargic aspirant.

mostly i wish i could try harder. i’m sorry.

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

05/01/2023

today was a really fun session. i did the grind and refreshed with all my old chord changes, did the “spider exercise” stretches really fast, and i’m doing good at my cool riff, too. it’s really satisfying. i’m going to do my best to make tomorrow even better! i need to learn something new already! aa, i love my guitar so much... i love my guitar!

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/30/2023

still a shorter than ideal session, but longer than has become usual these days. i made good use of time to work on major chord changes i’ve been slacking on, as well as messing around some with strumming patterns. it was a lot of fun. i’m happy tonight, even if i didn’t do as good as i wanted.

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/29/2023

today was a short session because i had to spend my energy doing more immediately important things, unfortunately. i still stretched my fingers and did some derusting on chord changes. but, i was busy today with errands, worrying about someone i love, and cooking. so my hands were busier than they ideally would be.

but i’m getting tired of writing what feels like excuses. where has all my energy and passion gone? what is this mire it feels like i’ve fallen into? i’m sorry...

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/28/2023

short session today because i had a breakdown/episode. i just want to sleep, i just want tomorrow to come and for today to be over with. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry.

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/27/2023

busy as planned today. but i still got a little practice in. i still feel upset with myself, even though everything went according to plan. maybe i’m depressed. i wish i could pull myself out of it.

sorry. ahaha!

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/26/2023

today and tomorrow’s sessions are shorter out of necessity. i was really busy today, and tomorrow i have something else planned. so i can only spend just a little on practicing, unfortunately. today i did some finger stretches on the first fret, and practiced chord changes between some pairs i haven’t dusted off in a little while. but tomorrow, i’ll try to get in some extra afternoon practice before my arrangement, however.

i love my guitar so much! it makes me so happy. i’m so glad i decided to buy it and start this hobby. even if i’m slower and less skilled than many, it brings me so much joy and i know i’ll get there as long as i keep it steady.

for you!

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/25/2023

another short session. i hate it. i should berate myself, but for once in a blue moon, i won't. because for once i feel like i actually spent the time well, instead of just totally wasting it. i really, really need to fix this shit though. i'll do my best tomorrow.

for you...

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/24/2023

another short session. i’m so sorry. i just can’t live properly. i’m sorry. poor time management. i’ll try again tomorrow. i’m sorry.

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/23/2023

just a short session. i did well, better than last time. that makes me happy. but i feel like i haven’t done enough, still. i’ll try to do better tomorrow, i promise.

for you...

[guitarherobocchimaxxer]

04/22/2023

i just hate myself. i hate that i'm disabled. i hate that my hopes and dreams are inaccessible yet so tantalizingly close. i need willpower. drive. motivation. volition. something.

i just want to do what i know i want to do. please, help me. i'm just so, so broken person. i can't do it alone, and i can't accept help from people who terrify me - everyone. i want to try. i need to.

but i only rot and pray for forgiveness. i'm in a terrible rut. even outside guitar. i'm irritable and anxious and unlike myself and. i scare myself.

i only want to be me.

i'm sorry.

i'll try again tomorrow.

for you...